BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 97 - RiotPod

Episode Date: January 13, 2021

Riot! Economy Heaven and Heaven Premium, conspiracy nutters storm the Capitol and the UK government still doesn't understand how food works. The old boys club and the challenge of being a blue collar right-winger in the UK, the profiteering of Big Bean, covid stuff, Lockdown Birthdays and some Tat Attack from Krish in New Zealand Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpod 97. Is 97 anything? 97 going to heaven. 97 going to heaven. Are you going to heaven, Phil? I guess it depends which religion. And which branch of each religion. Because some Christians, unless if you don't pray every day since you were born,

and never ever touch your penis once. Unless you do all that, you're not going to heaven. There's like eye of a needle heaven. And then there's sort of easier to access heaven. And it depends which sort of camp of Christian you're in, right? Yeah. Are you, are you are you um there's there's the everyone hippie heaven there's first class only heaven and then there's a sort of um economy plus that's right that's why i like to think of it there's like heaven free and then

heaven premium and yeah if you don't murder anyone you into heaven free, but it's got loads of ads. If you're really good, if you, like, helped the destitute and never broke a single heart and gave all your money to charity, then you get into heaven premium, which has no ads, which has no ads and you get unlimited ambrosia whereas if you're on Heaven Free

you hit an ambrosia limit every day of one jug you can only have one jug a day and then they say you've reached your ambrosia limit Heaven Premium has a lot of exclusive q and a's yeah yeah that's right yeah i wonder who gives the um who gives the key keynote speeches at um the heaven expos well i mean it's it's it's finally your chance to really pin down, you know,

the great prophet Ezekiel, for example, on various things. Yeah, and like Gabriel, how to convince a lady she's pregnant. How to convince a virgin she's pregnant. And other... It's an NLP coursep course basically from the angel gabriel yeah yeah he used to be a street performer yeah slash pickup artist that's why he always wore that robe and he had long golden hair. It's just to get attention. That's right.

Yeah. I mean, a halo and wings is the ultimate peacocking, isn't it? That's right. Yeah. You should have seen him in, in my head, every pickup artist lives in Miami. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it's, it's not LA.

It's always somewhere like Miami where it's like, there's palm trees and kind of money and strip clubs and organized crime, but it's always kind of la it's always somewhere like miami where it's like there's palm trees and kind of money and strip clubs and organized crime but it's always kind of it always feels a bit sort of like um gta that's right that's right it's like a cd uh it's like got the it's like glamorous but seedy and also yeah and a bit dumb that's exactly that's definitely have you read the game? it went round my school on a PDF and was the object of much discussion great great great great

I've read a physical copy you've read a physical copy of it? in like two days or something I was staying at someone's house in Manchester and I was only there for a weekend so I just tore through this book. It's quite a good read. I seem to

remember it was very much in the line of popular science books you might find in an airport. But one that was particularly embarrassing to be seen buying. Well, yeah, because instead of just there being a whole chapter on how

changing the way that you talk in your presentation stops investors undervaluing your company, instead of that, it was like how to get from hand stuff to mouth stuff. And what your shoes might have to do with it. It's always something really creepy like that.

Yeah. Anyway, it's a good read. That's all I'm saying. That's Phil's good read of the week, everyone. It's a good read, yeah. I've been listening, Pierre. Have you been listening to much music in lockdown? Much music?

Yeah. Sure, I've taken in some tunes, sure. Sure, I've dabbled. I was reminded yesterday of Leonard Cohen's final album You Want It Darker and I've been listening to that non-stop for the last couple of days

and it's such a good album and it's so sad and so sort of reflective and conclusive, it's the album he made before he died. So he and David Bowie both in 2016 made their final albums

during which they both knew they were dying. Yeah. And it's really amazing to listen to an album from someone who knows he's about to die and is making an album anyway and singing about it. Although then I started thinking well with Leonard Cohen his songs, his entire career his songs have sounded like eulogies.

Every song he's ever written it sounded like he thinks he's going to die. When he was like 29 he was going oh god please spare me when I see you tomorrow. But and I guess it's kind of a stop clock thing whereas now when he finally did die you go how did he know yeah every album has been i bet after every album when he didn't die

then the cone is like rats gotta record another one do you think the equivalent would be like uh wow this is the album that marilyn manson made right before he went to hell and it's all about the demons and being evil and stuff and sad yeah how did he know he was going he was going to become the new prince of hell? This is the song they recorded right before they went out and had a good night. Somehow they knew. If you listen carefully, you can hear them say that they have a feeling. How did the black-eyed peas know? What can they see through those black eyes?

Can the black eyes look through time? Is that what the black eyes refer to? Does the black eye of the black-eyed peas pierce the veil itself? If you pick up the black eye from the black eyepiece it fits perfectly onto the eye on top of the pyramid on the one dollar bill if you zoom in really close to that eye on the one dollar bill

it's Will.i.am in the middle of the eye yeah wearing those like slatted blind sunglasses yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like the end of the shining why mr i am you've always been here tonight is always going to be a good time yeah the i and will i am stands for illuminati phil

it stands for illuminati america man will i am he am he is in the illuminati and the eye follows the will so the illuminati follows his will he will i am is the head of the Illuminati Yeah Oh my god He actually recorded the song Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night I Have a Feeling Was recorded right before one of their rituals In that weird grove

Yeah He was just really looking forward to meeting Bill Clinton again With a big goat head Yes Speaking of A weird goat head Yes Speaking of A weird goat head Did you enjoy The

Capital attack The attack on the capital building In Washington DC The siege Oh Siege yes It did get very sort of Lord of the Rings-y When there were people like climbing a wall

that they didn't need to climb yeah yeah i wish there were the capital police had like big cauldrons of boiling oil to and all these conspiracy theorists and they have to get a really big one who's got bombs strapped over him and they lead him by a chain he's got a huge neck beard and then yeah just a huge cave troll with a QAnon t-shirt they delved too deep into the internet

yeah it was amazing it was amazing watching they delved too deep into the internet yeah it was amazing it was amazing watching it was amazing watching an army made up of everyone's most mentally ill relative everyone there represents on their own a lot of really

sad like Christmas dinners where someone has to be like listen, we're worried that you've gone down a rabbit hole and these forums and this theory has stolen your personality. And that's true of everyone there, which is mad. You have to stop wearing cargo shorts to family dinners. to family dinners. With white socks and then like running trainers, even though we know you don't go running. Or like hiking boots, and you don't hike. Yeah,

you have to stop trying to talk to grandma about chemtrails. She's old and confused and afraid enough as it is without you rambling on about chemtrails. It was truly amazing to see in the news something I'd only ever seen before in Red Alert. Yeah!

It was something I'd read. A story where it was like, oh, right, you can garrison up these windows. Like, I was expecting suddenly for barbed wire to pop up around the Capitol building and sandbags in the windows. Yes. Yes. And the whole thing changes colour to reflect the army that's in the building. Yeah, that's right. And also, there's a Tom Clancy video game that is essentially exactly this Storming the Capitol

where some terrorists storm the Capitol and they're dressed exactly like the guys who did it and you're part of a SWAT team that has to go in and rescue a bunch of people or something how did he know? how did he know? it was amazing it was amazing that bits of the footage where the police just like just let them in

well some of them you know in some of the clips the police are like hey stay back stay back and they literally get like in a cartoon stampeded over and then there are other clips where the police are like

I'm not even going to bother and they just move the gates aside for for Virgin Glastonbury to swoop in and do what they like but that's what amazes me is that like in all the footage from over the summer with the Black Lives Matter protesters it was like

the guns were already out you know they weren't just holding up their hand like the policeman were already out, you know? Mm-hmm. They weren't just holding up their hand like the policemen from Top Cat going, oh, there, boys. Like a kindly constable trying to stop kids throwing dice against an alley wall, like Officer McGillicuddy or something.

They had like a military-issue semi-automatic rifle and there were like a hundred of them. And they were like, if you come within 200 meters of us, we will snipe you from a helicopter. Whereas this was like this was like a small town cop

trying to reason with a kind of pagan bold man and his gang of wasteland raiders. It was insane. Yeah. Yeah, it was insane. Yeah. Yeah, it was very Fallout 3. Yeah, it was very Fallout 3. And it's very funny that, like, the craziest and most reckless and most insanely dressed type of rioter,

their natural political defender is a guy who looks like one of the congressmen or presidential candidates from Futurama. Just this, like, generic, oh, hello, with, like, neat hair, super religious, super conservative. guy who looks like one of the congressman or presidential candidates from futurama just this like generic oh hello with like neat hair super religious super conservative that guy standing up in front of the crazy insane bull man and going well seems like a fine gentleman are you speaking about a person in particular this politician or sort of an an amalgamation of ted cruz and

that sort well ted i mean they've all been defending them till they got to the capital anyway every single one of them but also it's like it's ted cruz but also that guy horley was it horley is this the guy with the sharp haircut yeah yeah but they all have the haircut they all go to the same like washington barber and get these kind of like terrifying dome haircuts yeah josh horley yeah horley josh horley i think i know what you're talking about but my point more is that these guys are like ned flanders if ned flanders was like aggressive and the people they're defending are not exactly like you know good christian family values reasonable conservative uh small town men it's such a bad match-up in every sense except for the fact that they're slavishly devoted to an

an insane an insane uh conspiracy theory that happens to be devoted to an insane man but i guess it's just a continuation of not biting the hand that feeds you right i think early on like when president trump became the republican nominee um a large section of the republican party went well well not when he became nominee i guess when he won they're like well i guess i'll just sit on the back of this kraken because hopefully the kraken will take me to the place I want to go it'll crush a lot of buildings

on the way but as long as I get to my destination I'll ride this Kraken and now they're on one of the flailing tentacles and well I'm still on the Kraken starting to get a little hairy but I really need to get to really need to get to where I'm going.

And the Kraken is still the fastest thing out there. I would love to find an interview with the person who started the QAnon conspiracy theory on 4chan or wherever it was. Because people post conspiracy theories on the internet for fun all the time, like ones that they've made up. And I would love to know... Like Bud Pod is scripted?

Yeah, exactly, like Bud Pod is scripted. Yeah. And I would love to know if the person who posted the QAnon conspiracy theory was doing that, having a bit of fun, or is genuinely just, you know, an undiagnosed schizophrenic. That's true. That's true. And what made it take off i i don't know that much about it but i found out that it's sort of like it's sort of like an rpg a real life rpg and all the adherents wait for a message from q or try to decode something donald trump has said so like when donald when Donald Trump started going on about that

cognitive aptitude test he'd taken with the memory tests, you know, woman, TV, camera. When he's quite obviously just being nuts because he is Donald Trump.

The QAnon followers were like, woman, TV, camera. What does that mean? It wasn't woman, TV, camera. And they started looking for they think Donald Trump said Donald, like, woman, TV camera. What does that mean? It wasn't woman, TV camera. And they started looking for... They think Donald Trump said woman, TV camera as code for QAnon followers to solve, to find their next quest.

They were looking for code in Covfefe. Right, were they? Yeah. They were using Hebrew, ancient hebrew numerology they're very into numerology they're very into like numbers meaning letters and stuff it's it's the same way that like extremely uh fanatical right-wing evangelical christians have been doing for ages so they try to add up the numbers in barack obama's name to equal the antichrist you know and in order to make it work they, like, a weird number of letters from his middle name.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. It's always like, okay, so it's, okay, Barack Obama doesn't add up to the Antichrist, and neither does Barack Hussein Obama. But, like, if we get the first H-U-S, and they're just completely, you know, it's like all conspiracies, you just bend the evidence to mean whatever you want,

and froth at the mouth, I suppose. And froth at the mouth i suppose and froth at the mouth i suppose that's what it's after you can i don't know froth at the mouth meanwhile our uh big scandal today phil is the free school meals thing yet again oh i'm not up to date with this is is the is the has the government learned from its past mistakes? I don't want to surprise you too much, Phil, but not really, no. Right. Basically, you remember Marcus Rashford campaigned to get everyone the free school meals over the holidays, etc.? Mm-hmm.

school meals over the holidays etc well um some councils are using like an outsourced you know company that the government has given the contract to to deliver the parcels instead of using a voucher system or something uh-huh and there's photos of what you get from this company for like five days ten days worth of food and it's like and i'm not even kidding they haven't even just given you like a loaf of bread they've like repackaged a loaf of bread into like half of one and cling filmed it up again so they've bought like a loaf of bread and taken a half the slices and wrap that up yeah and so it's like like god forbid you should just get a loaf of bread as it was packaged by the supermarket and there'll be like two slices of ham repackaged and cling filmed

yeah that's a real example like two individual slices of ham well basically the the one of the boxes they've added up how much it would cost if you just got it all from like asda and it's five pound 22 and the boxes are supposed to be worth 30 quid and that's how much the company's charging the government oh jesus christ so you're getting five pound 22s worth of bad food that's been repackaged by god knows who with cling film for the cost of 30 quid and it's supposed to last you for five days maybe they've taken on this the story of jesus feeding the 5000 with a single loaf of bread a little too literally. That's included as their expert citation in their plan.

It's the biggest selling book of all time. What do you mean? Ah, man. Was there a non-private alternative to this uh yeah you could just give them the like the devolved administrations as far as i know are just giving people 30 quid a week so that they can you know buy it themselves and they figured out that like with shipping costs and all this other stuff like it's even more than 30 quid that this private company is charging. But you would get like 10 times the amount of food if you just gave people 30 quid and let them order it online

from literally any supermarket, because all of the logistics are already there, because that's what everyone's doing. What is it with this government's judgment in private contractors? It's like they've never hired anyone for anything in their lives it's like um it's like if you if you got just like a a kind of mad prince and just went you need to find a gardener and he's just wandering around his kind of estate or like a gentleman's club in Victorian London, just going, are you a gardener?

Just asking anyone. It's like a series of The Apprentice where Alan Sugar's every week picked the shittest one. He'll go, you, you did a shit in the middle of flower market. I like it. Will you be my apprentice? I've never seen anything like that before. I like it. Will you be my apprentice? I've never seen anything like that before. You're in.

It's really incredible. It's amazing, isn't it? If you're the government of, if you're the party of business, fair enough, but at least be good at picking businesses. You're the poster party for free market economics.

You should show that it works. You should show that competition forces the cream to rise to the top and for the best services to be available. Well, I mean, you're also the government um the party that's supposed to be against overpaying for stuff through central government yeah so even if you don't think that poor people should have food you should be annoyed that something that costs five quid costs 30 quid because someone just let some dickhead take over it as a project instead of just handing out vouchers.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. This is the effect, though, of the precedent of economic sensibility that we are left in after Brexit. Because that was such an economic shit in your own pants everything after it is going to seem like quite sound judgement even if it is paying £30 for a £5 meal box

you know what I mean, the bar has been substantially lowered yeah I mean once you've filled your own pants with shit to that degree it would look quite clever if the next thing you did um was to to go for a piss only through your own underpants so you're still sitting on the loo and peeing and it is going in the toilet but it's through your own pants and people go well that's actually like an 80% improvement. That's right there's only a

single patch of urine wet pants there which is a marked improvement from a whole pair of pants entirely filled with shit. Yeah and people are like look the majority of the pant material remains uncovered in urine

the trousers have no urine that's 0% that's unprecedented there is no urine. That's 0%. That's unprecedented. There is no urine in the socks or shoes. Pretty good going. Real wily stuff from Johnson and Co. It's... I really feel that you and I,

Phil, know a few people who are working class or blue collar, you know, Tories. They're not social conservatives, but they're economic conservatives. And I really sympathize. I have a lot of sympathy for them when something like this happens, because they're trying to make this whole idea look good. for them when something like this happens because they're trying to make this whole idea look good and it cannot be easy when they're forced to defend what can only be described as like Dickensian levels of contempt and incompetence like it must be difficult if you're just like you know uh I grew up on a council estate and I just believe in personal responsibility and and

you know low fiscal overheads, low tax, low regulation. And then something like this happens and you're forced to kind of be like, well, you know, the carrots were pretty fresh. Like there's just nothing. It's just such a that's a weird thing about the conservatives in the UK is that they aren't like the ones in other countries. They still kind of wearing top hats all the time. in the UK is that they aren't like the ones in other countries. They're still kind of wearing top hats all the time. Yeah. Yeah, it's very

much that this government is very much the embodiment, well, Boris Johnson's very much the embodiment, well, not all governments, very much the embodiment of that Arrested Development joke where she goes, I mean, how much can a banana cost? $10?

That's literally what, that's what this whole thing is. How much can a loaf of bread cost? £30? It's a carrot. It's what, six, seven quid maybe? Come on. It really is just absolutely unbelievable.

And I mean, that's why i feel for them because at least if let's say you're like an american center right guy and you want low deregulation you want low regulation low tax whatever whatever at least there's loads of other guys with like pickup trucks and fucking dungarees who think the same thing you do and all the right-wing politicians kind of line you up and say these are the salt of the earth good honest working american folk and there's a kind of synergy there between you two whereas in the uk it does just come across as like a bunch of top-hatted guys doing whatever they want and then you're like uh okay i i know they've just spat in my face or the face of people that like me but i do like a version of what

they're saying i guess because yeah the class divide in america is just between rich and poor and at least there in order to get rich you you probably have some business acumen or some just like thin understanding of how money works whereas in uk you can be in the upper class with none of the relevant experience, but end up in top positions. Yeah, I think the closest thing the US has had to that has been the Trump administration. Exactly.

It's like those families who've been rich on the East Coast for so long that they may as well be British aristocrats. Yes, yeah, yeah. And they're not as inbred, but they look more inbred. But the equivalent of the Edetonian effect here in the US would be like if... If I was a railroad guy, if the Rockefellers were in government now, the Rockefeller family was still going,

even though it was so many generations separated from JD, who knew what he was doing, who was competent and smart and hardworking, and I'm sure, I'm sure ethically compromised in some ways, but at least had business acumen. But that, but that's been distilled by so many generations now that is. His descendants must be alive.

Oh yeah. They're still Rockefellers. Yeah. I wonder what they're doing. They're just busy being really rich, I suppose. Imagine being a Rockefeller. How great. Rockefeller family. That's one of the classic things about

the anti-Semitic obsession with, say, the Rothschilds, is that there are loads of other families that are as old or older and as rich or much richer, but none of them are Jews. Mm-hmm. There's never any conspiracy theories about what the rockefellers are up to yes yes yes so it's not like a coincidence that the one family that they

pick that's old and rich with a famous surname that they want to be evil is the only jewish one when there's like 47 different like vanderbilts or whatever that they could choose but they just don't or indeed any aristocrat that's it so I guess what I'm saying Pierre is by all means have extreme inequality but

make sure the people at the top have done got an MBE or something. MBA? Sorry, I always mix up those two. Which business is better? This one that costs what it should or this insane one that your friend runs?

Man oh man. That is the old boys club we were promised, Pierre, when we were at university in Cambridge. We were promised we would enjoy that kind of nepotism. Have we seen it? No. Where's my private meeting to, you know, gently frot with, I don't know, Stephen Fry?

I've offered the government so many PPE contracts and I haven't got as much as a reply. I mean, I know as much about... I've sent it from a Camtab address as well. I know as much about logistics as many serving government ministers and I have not been given a single enormous ferry contract and you have to ask what is the point of getting an education if this is the way that you're going

to be treated it's true it's true it's downright unjust it is it is unjust yeah i think it's because we're too do you think it's because we went to the old boys club but we're still like colonial do you think that we're still we're left off the email list for that reason mmm perhaps do you think they sort of go oh well they're good but you know they're not quite as good

as someone whose name is like you know Buffy Bunter who I went to school with Buffy the Contract Sl who I went to school with. Buffy the Contract Slayer? Oh yeah, good guy. Yeah, it's because essentially we went to the right place for education, but we're not a Josh Berry character.

Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Great name drop for Josh Berry character. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Great name drop for Josh Berry there. Yes, good reference point for Josh Berry because, to be honest, he's probably the best purveyor of that kind of character at the moment on Twitter, Josh Berry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does a good posh show. He does a very good posh show. Whereas, I suppose, the other end of the spectrum for a lot of other kind of ghouls and things, none of whom I don't think are posh, it would be Alistair Green. Yeah, yeah. I mean, Alistair's grotesque characters are plucked fresh just from everyday life.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. yeah yeah oh my god but yeah essentially it does feel it does feel like we live in a kind of dystopia doesn't it where like the news is like the food boxes are only half full and the virus mutates from Africa and so it's all just very um yeah

graphic novel you know what I mean it's a very very shit Mad Max certainly yeah I'm not in favour of it novel, you know what I mean? It's a very very shit Mad Max certainly. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not in favour of it. I guess growing up I just hadn't realised, well before the last

few years, I hadn't realised how much of a luxury it was just to assume your government wasn't going to let you die unnecessarily. Yeah. Or just to assume that your government got this going to let you die unnecessarily. Yeah. Or just assume that your government got this, you know. And now you can't even assume that.

Now you're like, you can't even assume they're going to try their best or anything approaching what has been advised by the experts. I saw that Joe Biden chose to be head of the CIA. Just a very competent, highly achieving guy. You what? So the president appoints the head of the CIA, right? Yeah. Joe Biden's pick is just a really competent guy with lots of relevant experience and skills.

Oh, right. Yes, yes yes yes yes that is great I thought you said Joe Biden picked himself as head of the CIA he doesn't need to pick himself he already tells him what to do yeah yeah yeah my point more is that it was genuinely unsettling to read a news article about a political appointment that wasn't mental yes

from a man who let's face it has more excuse than most to fail mentally yeah he's incredibly old he's incredibly old and uh he you know he's making judgments of a person three quarters his age He's doing very well Do you think that if he has a second term He'll be like the emperor in Warhammer Just a big skeleton in a chair Yeah

He'll be the The cursed King of Rohan. Just like slumped on a chair, just really tired and green all the time. Can't even recognize his own daughter. Yeah. Why do you pour these thoughts into an already troubled mind? It'll be Nancy Pelosi saying that.

They're pulling up, they're trying to get Punch, they're trying to get Trump impeached again. Donald Punch? Donald Punch. That's his thinly veiled parody comic book villain. Donald Punch. Donald Punch. Donald Punch.

They're trying to impeach him again, yeah. But with using the 25th Amendment, which I'm not completely a fay with, but my working knowledge is that it basically is to be used if Congress finds itself in a position where it can prove that the president is insane. I thought they were asking Mike Pence to use the 25th Amendment, and if he didn't, they were going to impeach him on charges of insurrection.

Right, so the 25th Amendment cannot be used by the vice president, is that it? It has to be a majority of the cabinet. There's like a vote and there's like a time delay. And to be honest, it's weird because the number of days you have to give the president to respond to the 25th amendment being used and see what happens is longer than trump has left in office so it would never work this is it yeah is it is it just another symbolic thing of the democrats are they just are they trying to keep the republicans just busy for the next few days is that it i think it's symbolic to see if they could get pence to crack and be like all he's nuts, even though it won't work.

Which, of course, he won't. Because, I mean, if he was going to crack, he probably would have done it by now. And then I guess they're trying to impeach again. And it's sort of what can they get 60 senators? So they need like 10 Republicans, maybe more because actually more because I don't think the two new ones have taken their seats yet. Have they? Yeah, it's not going to. I don't think it's going to go anywhere.

No, no, it won't. But surely this is the time for Pence to go, you know what, you're right, this guy is nuts, because, you know, he's got his eye on the future, right? Yeah, he definitely wants to be the first android president. Yeah, he had a lot of hope for al gore um as far as that representation went yeah al gore was the last android to run um john kerry was pretty close to being an android but uh i think he's just um that's that he just seemed like an android because he was so kind of like highly educated and rich john kerry yeah his wife is the heinz heiress wow

yeah gosh do you reckon they have a lot of beans at home do you reckon they eat a lot of beans Gosh. Do you reckon they have a lot of beans at home? Do you reckon they eat a lot of beans? Yeah. Or are they like, ugh, I can't look at another bean for the rest of my life. Is she like that, do you reckon?

I think it's probably like being the head of a tobacco company who doesn't smoke and you'd never smoke. Right, or like being head of Facebook and not letting your kids on social media. With beans, you're like, I know what beans can do to people. I've seen how the beans are made. Do you know how much gas these things

give you? My kids are not touching them. I'm not having those farts in my house. And then there's like a heartwarming challenge about the regulation of beans. So the farts are okay for normal people But not for your own kids You're sweating on the stand

Yeah just frantically dabbing Their forehead at a senate committee And he's like Your honour I'd like to call My final witness Little Jimmy and little Jimmyimmy comes in and everyone and just a boy who just can't stop farting oh everyone's like oh no as he as he comes up that like the the aisle in the in the sort of

courtroom or senate or whatever he's on crutches and with each like clap of the crutch he's farting so powerfully that his legs just give way so he needs the crutches yeah yeah the judge is like almost vomits the bailiff is like oh boy bailiff is like Oh boy

Bailiff please handcuff the boy's anus Oh gosh I'm going to hold your anus in contempt of court If you don't stop farting young man Don't you say that's the problem Oh my gosh. Goodness me. I'm going to hold your anus in contempt of court if you don't stop farting, young man. Don't you say that's the problem. That's why we're here, damn it. You want the toots?

You can't handle the toots. Oh, what's that? Now I'm trying to think of something like Shitters and Kane. Yeah. It's not really a courtroom drama, though. No. What was I thinking of? 12 Angry Mr. Mr. Shit goes to Washington, maybe?

Okay. Yeah? Okay. Yeah? Yes. Something like that. Make up your own titles, listeners. 12 Gassy Men is the best I can do. Huh? 12 Gassy Men is the best I've got.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I've got I'm trying to I'm going to look up courtroom dramas now hang on have you seen 12 Angry Men by the way I have seen 12 Angry Men but a very very long time ago it was one of those films that always seemed to be on a digital

high number TV channel it's really great I mean you couldn't imagine a film that fails the Bechdel test more, but... It's in the title. It really is. The title fails the Bechdel test,

but it's still very good. A Few Pooed Men? A Few Pooed Men. A Few Good Men? Oh, of course a few good men oh of course yes yes yes oh wow there's lots of I love that google thing where you look up like popular thrillers and the first seven are like straight

to DVD Canadian TV movies really if you search for like genre types or something the first results you get when you click like the the if you search for like genre types or something yeah the the first results you get when you click like on the no when you click on a website but when you click on like overview or like search criteria it's just like dog shit or stuff you've never heard of in your life it's definitely not done by like fame yeah i mean i've never heard of Town Without Pity What's the synopsis of Town Without Pity? It's a good question, let's have a little look Is it some sort of harrowing

Yep, it's harrowing and it's from 1961 Oh wow, okay A classic bit of harrowing It's about a... It's a German-released movie with Kirk Douglas, and it's about... Whoa. Some kind of...

Some American soldiers in occupied Germany who commit a sexual assault on a girl. Oh, okay. Well, it sounds like it wasn't like straight to DVD. No, it has Kirk Douglas in, but my point is like what did I

search for? I searched for something the other day for some kind of reference point and it was just full of like Disney, like straight to DVD Disney, like sub-Disney garbage. It's broken is the point. I was looking for famous films and it was giving me garbage. Oh, quick

film recommendation. Last night I watched Wajda on Netflix. You watched what? Wajda. W-A-D J-D-A Wajda. Ita-d-j-j-d-a wajda it's a saudi film about um a saudi girl who really wants to get a bicycle and it's brilliant how do you spell it w-a-d-j-d-a wajda wajda that's her name she wants a bicycle she wants a bicycle but society won't let her have it god damn it

it's really good and the main girl in it is really funny really really good okay and it's very yeah the middle eastern films are always like those sort of the award-winning middle eastern films are always about a kid who has to get something that we in the west take for granted a boy has a kite and that's the whole movie five stars i always like it i just read one of the synopses or reviews of that film wajda is uh contain the phrase a rebellious young saudi girl and i thought that's a low bar it's really good and it's by a female saudi director um isn't it depressing how easy it is to be a rebellious saudi girl or it's just like wanting

a human right wanting a bicycle yeah yeah yeah there's loads of stuff about them having to cover up and just like they're you know she's in a girl's school obviously and they're just playing out in the yard and but then there are builders working on a male builders working on a roof across the yard and they all have to go inside because they're you know they can't be seen by these men yeah um and just stuff like that. And watching the film, I was like, I realized cause I, you know, I'm middle Eastern films have always been on the periphery of my awareness. And they're always about kids. Usually they're always centered around kids.

And if, and, and centered around like girls, young girls and growing up in, and I was thinking, why is it always young people, kids? And then I realized, you know, it's probably because they don't have to cover up yet.

Yeah, that's true. There's no way you can have a female face on, you know, if you're filming in the Middle East on a film, as if they're, you know, below the age where they have to cover up. Yeah, they have to be, yeah, below the age where they're considered to be starting even to become a woman, right? If it's like Saudi Arabia levels of extreme

strictness. Also, they're probably younger countries on average, aren't they? That's true. What did I hear today? Oh, do you know what the average, the mean, I think it's the mean age in Afghanistan is.

The average age of a person in Afghanistan. I know that like the average age of someone in Burkina Faso or something is like 23. So I'm going to guess 23. It's 19 and a half. Get fucked. Yeah. The average age. 19 and a half.

19 and a half. Get fucked. Yeah. The average age of... 19 and a half. 19 and a half. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I mean, that is mad. I mean, the plus side is they've had very little trouble from COVID, comparatively. Yeah, I mean, Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. If the Soviets and Alexander the Great

and us and America can't do great and us and america can't do it then the disease probably can't either yeah yeah yeah the terrain is too difficult for the the disease they don't know it there they'll only ever be the coronavirus will only ever be a tourist in afghan land the coronavirus tried to invade afghanistan and it got shot by a man behind a rock on a hill but 19 and a half isn't that insane that's nuts i mean the average age of the uk i think is like 38 oh shit really gosh yeah high yeah it's high i thought be higher than that to be honest i thought be higher but think about whether it has to be for that to be the average. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. We old, man. We old country. We an old country. I mean, I was listening to the number of deaths, COVID deaths in like Africa. And was it in

Rwanda's like 45 or something? And, you know, I guess the numbers might not be entirely reliable, but the hospitals haven't been overwhelmed in the way they have here. And so much of it is just to do with how old the population is. Well, and also they're like incredibly rural places. There's no density at all. Yeah, that's it too, isn't it it there was a story in the south african news i try not to look at the south african news because it is of course

absolutely harrowing um pretty much always dude that's not at that stage just for news in general for me i've deleted twitter again because i just can't every time i look at i'm like i don't need this i don't need to see every single graph about every single death and every and what might happen next it's like the government are thinking about grabbing everyone and punching them in the arm on the first

day of the month until 2022 at least, and it's like well if that's going to happen it happens and me knowing now will only make me worry about it before it happens yeah exactly yeah I have no input here yeah anyway sorry you're saying when i was like a guy a guy died from coronavirus in south africa because he got driven between five different hospitals looking for space in the back of an ambulance and at one a matron in one hospital actually chased them away chased them away them away with a rolling pin?

Basically, well, from the description of the wife, yeah. They were just like, fucking get out of here. There's nothing here. There's no space. Get them out of here. And there's no oxygen, even if there are beds, and just a total crisis point, whereas I don't trust the South African government to

reflect stuff like that in the stats. I bet you he'll be down as like, oh, only a suspected case or something, you know? That's right, that's right. So whenever they're just like, we're doing so well with the stats, it's like, oh, yeah, I bet you are. With that kind of a recording ability, I mean... Is South Africa sort of in that unfortunate intersection of being self-reliant enough that, well, of being undeveloped enough that they can be easily overwhelmed by a virus like this, but self-reliant enough that they can control what numbers go out.

So, for example, somewhere like in West africa with a lot of charity presence say or un presence and much harder to cover up falsified numbers um it can definitely control the numbers it puts out to a large degree yeah although i would say that it's probably it's a much younger country and it's probably less likely to be overwhelmed in the sense that because of the HIV AIDS epidemic, like every tiny village has got, you know, this population blood sample test center, you know, capacity in a way that the UK has never had to ever bother doing. Yeah. Which is why early on it was like, well, all two labs in the UK are full, with every seven scientists involved. That's why I'm always... East Asia and Southeast Asia have done really well, but when self-flagellating Brits start going off on one,

I kind of want to say, well, Southeast Asia has had a respiratory epidemic every five years for the last 40 years. They're pretty well-practiced practiced and they expect it to happen yeah yeah it's it's it's familiar territory that's it and don't don't be don't beat yourself up beat up the government um i had um i had a mince pie today are you still eating when can we still eat christmas food i ate a mint i'm eating mince pies now like you still eating when can we still eat christmas food i eat a mint i'm eating mince pies now like a japanese soldier who will not surrender in the middle of the jungle that's

how i feel having a mince pie on the 12th of january carefully carefully uh uh unwrapping the mince pie from the sort of military handkerchief that you've wrapped it in yeah yeah in a kind of bunker taking one bite and drinking a sip of water and then wrapping it back up again i i my my goal is to still be eating mince pies after emails have stopped beginning with happy new year which is interesting must be like end of january i mean i went to tesco before the new year celebration like before 31st of december i went to tesco and they were already selling a huge display of mini eggs easter style so i think the rules are out the fucking window now yeah no yeah no one can remember what day it is anymore yeah i think you can i think people wouldn't begrudge you a fucking Christmas pudding in March. It's self-care, Phil.

Well, you and I are both birthday boys this month. We're both birthday boys this month. I will be turning 30 in a lockdown. Yeah, 31 for me in a lockdown. I feel lucky that I actually got a normal birthday last year. There'll be some people who have two years in a row will likely have a lockdown. Someone with a birthday on, say, March 28th

is almost certainly going to have two lockdown birthdays in a row. Yeah, that's true. They're screwed, man. Jesus. They're screwed, man. Jesus. They are screwed. It's going to be weird. I mean, I feel a little cheated, not particularly because it's my 30th

and that's traditionally seen as a big one, but more because I haven't really done any, like I'm not a big birthday boy. I mostly attend birthday parties. And I was thinking that 30th was when you should actually probably... You should probably get off your ass and organise something for your friends. Yeah, you're like that...

You're like that Twilight Zone episode where you collect all the books at the end of the world and then his glasses fall and smash. There was time now time for a birthday this is just Pierre on his own in this flat it isn't fair

it's just me in a huge library of Colin the Caterpillar cakes and food and just big like inflatable threes and zeros just floating about yeah exactly oh god yeah we're gonna be um uh birthday boys i mean i think january i think i think i think that's why i tend to say february is the most depressing month of the year most people say january but i think the birthday is

what lifts it up even though it's objectively a pretty shit month i think i've always liked january i think you're right there's hope in it there's my birthday which is important february yes yeah it's cold the the year The new year has lost its novelty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can totally see that. At least it is short. That is, it's one saving grace, February. That's true.

That's true. I also, in terms of, you know, in South Africa, January is like mid-summer. So it was, you know, great. Summer birthday. I was going to say, in South Africa, January's 28 days as well. You know, we do our own thing down there. The months are short in South Africa. That's right.

Life is good, the months are short. It really adds up over the years. Man. Yeah, yeah Lockdown birthday boys 3-0 though, pretty good going Are you going to save it up And maybe have a big bash When we're finally let out

I think I'm going to have to do that I think the idea of trying to hold any kind of celebration Whatsoever over Zoom Would only deepen the kind of You know Bunker downfall vibe to hold any kind of celebration whatsoever over zoom would only deepen the kind of uh you know bunker downfall vibe yeah and you just have to remember yeah you just remember that it it doesn't count this year it doesn't count none of the usual expectations count like someone you know friend was saying oh i don't know if my birthday present for you will get to you in time and i was

like it doesn't fucking matter the days don't mean anything anymore just give me a present at some point I don't care give it to me in November and say it was for whatever we don't have to abide by these rules anymore yeah oh I don't know if my birthday present will get to you in time well I won't be out

are you going to be in? there might be something coming for you today yeah I think so I think I to be in? There might be something coming for you today. Yeah, I think so. I think I'll be in. There's a high chance. Shall we read? Shall we have a look at a little bit of tat before we go? We'll do a tat.

We'll do a tat. A tat. We'll do a tat. We'll do a tat-a-tat of a tat. It's wine o'clock somewhere. Give me the coffee and no one gets hurt Bless this mess I like two things, pals and Prosecco

And I'm all out of pals One Prosecco, two Prosecco, three Prosecco, floor If the wife asks, I'm working Keep calm and keep drinking tea Tat attack Okay, so this tat Has been discovered and sent to us From Krish in New Zealand, I think

Ooh, New World tat A lot of untapped tat there, of course For such a young country That's right, and it's from a rural New Zealand pub, he says Wow Wow Even to the small communities TET is spreading its

dreadful tentacles Can you imagine that the Kiwis have just been going to the pub and having orgies for like seven months now Yeah, yeah, yeah I can't even imagine I feel like such a fool for not buying an underground bunker

in New Zealand like all these billionaires have been. So, let's see if you can whisper this tantrum. Okay, yeah. It says, I'll give you the first sentence, and you can guess the second sentence. Okay. It's in a pub.

Is it a plaque? Is it like metal? It's in a pub. It is a notice board where you sort of assemble it from... It's black and you assemble little white letters on it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is something the pub themselves have arranged. It looks like it. I don't know if they invented the sentiment. Okay. So, it's a sentence, and then it's another sentence, and then it's a hashtag.

Oh, boy. Okay. So, what do you reckon? I give you the first sentence. Yeah, give me the first sentence. Okay. The first sentence. Yeah, give me the first sentence. Okay. The first sentence is, Mum said alcohol is the enemy. Mum said alcohol is the enemy.

I like to keep my friends close, but my enemies closer. It's the right idea. You're close. It's a very short, snappy sentence, the second one. Okay, mom said alcohol is the enemy. Know thy enemy. Oh, you're getting closer.

Oh, come on. Mom said alcohol's the enemy. I can't do Kiwi short vowels. Mom said alcohol's the enemy. Mom said alcohol's the enemy. The enemy. God. Enema. Momid alcohol's the enemy. Mamsid alcohol's the enemy. The enemy. Mamsid alcohol's the enemy. It's something along the lines of know your enemy.

It's biblical. Oh. Forgive thy enemy oh you're so close love thy enemy yes Jesus said love your enemy yes Jesus said love your enemy hashtag

enemy hashtag enemy by the way. Hashtag blessed? No, to be fair, it's a very unrelated hashtag. So it says, mum said alcohol is the enemy. Jesus said love your enemy. Hashtag case closed. Okay.

Okay. Right, yeah. As we all know, the famous whodunit, the Bible. God, God did it. I like the idea of this particular cold case haunting a retired detective well into his old age. Mum said alcohol is the enemy. It's also such a... It's such a contrived setup to the joke they wanted to say,

which was love the enemy. I was just going to say, yeah. They made up this saying, which is mum said alcohol is the enemy. When you imagine a mother saying alcohol is the enemy, that's very... that sounds like she you're either in like a religious cult or like like you're mormon or something or your mother's had a real drinking problem and it'd be a chilling thing for your mother to say yeah essentially saying alcohol is the devil. Can you imagine, right?

You're, you know, you're 11, let's say, and you're sat at the kitchen table, you know, playing on your Game Boy, right? And your mum is standing at the sink and she's just doing some washing up and kind of whistling to herself. And then without turning around, she suddenly freezes mid-drying a plate

and just says, alcohol's the enemy. What was that, mum? Alcohol is the enemy, boy. You remember that. And then when you came across this Jesus thing years later, you point at the sign and you laugh. Oh, they've got her there.

I'll have to text her. Mum, you've got to get a load of this. You won't like it, but it's good. It's good. Exactly, you won't like it, but it's good. Yeah, Mum, they've got your number down in this pub. Mum, you remember how you would... Mum said alcohol was the enemy. You remember how you... Mum said alcohol was the enemy.

You remember how you'd whisper alcohol as the enemy into our ear every night when you tucked us into bed? Oh, well. Get a load of this. Oh, you won't like this, but I thought it was quite good. You've got to admit, Mum, they've really snookered you there. Also, another example of pub tat tat really preaching to the converted there yeah yeah i can't imagine anyone waiting for their drink reading that and going

well that's why i'm here it's also like if you're going to the pub thinking If you walk past a pub and you don't think Oh that looks like a nice pub to have a drink and hang out in If you walk past a pub and you look in That looks like a good place to get some alcohol I could have alcohol in there, couldn't I? You're already at a problem stage, I'd say

That looks like a good place to Liaise with the enemy They sell that chemical I need. Good. I'll go there later and purchase some of that chemical I like. Imagine if a supermarket just on the aisles had little signs going, Food is nice. You should get food.

Have you ever considered food? Try our new food aisle. Well, thank you for that. I think it was Krish who sent us that. Yes, thank you for that, Krish. Enjoy your orgies, Krish. Good luck with the orgies, Krish. Good luck with the orgies, Krish. Remember, mum said orgies were the enemy.

Keep your friends close at the enemy orgy. Yeah, hashtag case closed. Hashtag case closed. Hashtag arrest my case. Hashtag that's all your honour. And I rest my case hashtag that's all your honour and good luck out there the rest of you good luck to America

you only have at the time of release of this episode you only have a week seven days left to avoid a coup being done

by an out of work actor dressed as a bull so good luck avoiding that is he an actor the bull guy huh was he an out-of-work actor dressed as a bull. So good luck avoiding that. Is he an actor, the bull guy? Huh? Was he an out-of-work actor, the crazy bull guy? Among other things, yes. That's always a red flag.

Among other things. Yeah, it's not ideal. Plus all the potentially neo-Nazi tattoos, but yes. Yeah, how many sleeps is that now until Biden? Only seven more sleeps till Biden. Six or seven. Biden is a-coming, Biden is... A big truck just filled with sensible legislation

driving through a town, snowy town. Oh, I can't wait. I can't wait. And you know what gets me really excited when people say well he's really this is really just the obama administration again underneath um underneath the surface and i'm like yes yes bring back the old establishment i've always loved you all this establishment i love the establishment please bring back the establishment i hope that biden has taken note of just how much the president can get away with it turns out and just decides to go as mental in a liberal direction yes yes yeah yeah executive orders for gun control and oh just just streams of the stuff. Just make Mitch McConnell turn purple

and die. That's all I want. As an observer, at least. As a completely stake-less observer. Gosh, will it be the... Oh no, we just about... We've got one more pod before Inauguration Day, haven't we? That's on the 20th.

Yeah, the pod will come out on Inauguration Day. Interesting. Okay, Inauguration Pod next week. Yes, that's true. From Capital Siege Pod to Inauguration Pod. That's right. Well, stay safe, everybody, and we'll see you next week. Bye! Keep jacking it!

Bye!