BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 98 - Inauguration Pod!

Episode Date: January 20, 2021

Biden is here (we hope?), the lads chat Biden, Boris and Brexit but also the best way for Trump to leave office and whether or not Wonderwoman: Margaret Thatcher is a viable movie franchise. Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 98. Is 98 something to you? Well, 98 is the age of America's new president from tomorrow onwards. Congratulations, Joe Biden. This is Inauguration Pod episode 98 in honor of 98-year-old president-elect Joe Biden. That's right. episode 98 in honour of 98 year old president elect Joe Biden that's right by the time this comes out not elect anymore yeah by the time this comes out he will have

survived an assassination attempt and become the president not that he ever was president elect not that he ever was actually elected Pierre not that any of that's actually true. Joe Biden is so old that when his supporters chant four more years with a question mark.

Four more years? That's a very good gag. It's a shame no one's filming. We aren't filming a topical and a comedy program right now because that would be great in the in the opening monologue i really wish that i could have been paid okay but not brilliant money to sell that to a guy in a suit to say it while he smugly reshuffles some papers. Yeah, the papers in the age of the iPad really is an affectation that no one is buying at this point, surely.

The only reason to have them, given that we know they will have autocues, would be for some kind of running gag where every now and then you might catch a glimpse of the papers and they're just covered in swastikas or dicks or something. Something that implies that the person you're watching is unwell. I mean, in a few years' time, paper will only be for doodles. Kids will go, Tell me again, Papa, about what you used to use doodle sheets for. And he would say, well, we would put news on it.

And correspondence. Correspondence, like in Bud Pod? That's right. That's right. That's right, my boy. That's right. The national podcast of the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister that they do together

the first ever podcast podcast the first ever podcast number 10 and we leave it up to you, listener, to decide who's Prime Minister and who's Deputy Prime Minister in this fantasy Not fantasy, definite future And it would be very funny for the prime minister and the deputy prime minister to have a podcast like done in such a way that it presumes that the public don't like like like

don't know who they are like it's private right so no one actually knows who the prime ministers are they just no no they like like they know but it'd just be funny if like you listen to the prime minister's podcast and he was like god i really had didn't have a fucking clue what i was doing today yeah yeah yeah he just he just shoots off national secrets and stuff yeah but because it's an informal medium of podcasting yeah that's fine. I was about to say, the next development in modern democracy is we are due our first podcast president. But then I'd forgotten, Joe Biden had a podcast.

Did he? Yeah, Joe Biden had a podcast series about me during the campaign that no one listened to. He recorded it alone in in his basement pretty much yeah so joe biden is now a first podcast president oh captain my captain he truly is the people's president he's he he's he's he's he's really he's really uh he's the he's the first podcaster to surpass uh joe rogan and mark maron yes in terms of um although i i'd go

so far to say joe rogan is more powerful now than the president of the United States. I would say that Joe Rogan has access to a comparably high number of steroid-abusing bros. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, our first ever pod prez tomorrow is going to be the first ever inauguration address, Pierre. I don't know if you know this. That is going to end with the phrase,

God bless America and remember to like and subscribe. May God like and subscribe to America. Joe Biden's going to be like, as I look at this sea of flags before me, I cannot help be humbled by the tremendous weight that fate has laid upon my shoulders. And I'm going to need a very comfortable mattress to relax. That tension tonight when I sleep. Are you moving house? I am.

Oh gosh. Their antsy in the old Washington, D.C. This must be the most nervous inauguration in American history. Oh, surely. There was a big scare yesterday about what turned out to be a fire miles away. Someone was like, there's smoke! And everyone shut down the Capitol or whatever. And someone got on a roof and just said, oh no, it's a fire literally miles away someone was like they're smoking everyone shut down the capital or whatever

and they got someone got on the roof and just oh no it's a fire literally miles away but that's how nervous everyone is yeah i can't help but feel like they're just trying to cover for how not nervous they were like oh 10 days ago yes yes yes yes like someone showing up to work 11 hours early because they were 2 hours late but this is I mean these are different like these are different people now it's the secret service and the FBI

now and it does feel a bit like the various law enforcement branches in America after the DC capital riots were like wait a minute those white guys with guns were terrorists? And only in hindsight are they panicking. Yeah. Did you see that footage of the DC Capitol rioters just going through like Senate procedural papers? writers just going through like senate procedural papers it must have been like you showing a showing a shakespeare play to a dog

it's funny because i i mean he's got a lot of praise for this and deservedly so a new york times reporter basically just like followed those guys like right in there and filmed them and it's just like a bunch of these like QAnon maniacs flicking through very boring Senate papers going like one of them literally says at one point, there's got to be something in here we can use. Like there's going to be a piece of paper where it's like, don't forget, you're secretly a demon who fucks kids. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's going to be just Google Maps of the sex dungeon. Just print it out.

Because they're so old, they still print out the Google Maps. And it's like a red pin on sex dungeon. Sex dungeon for Friday, 9.30pm. Don't be late! Like a clue you find in a video game that's got too much details in it. Like, why would they write this many details on this single piece of...

Don't be late is like triple underlined in a big red pen. And just in case you need the code for the safe in the corner of the room it's here there's all it's like completely defeated the purpose of putting a code on the safe it's like don't don't tell anyone the code it's where we keep all the secret documents but it's looking like it's looking like phil my sort of fantasy might come true of Joe Biden, like, having seen from, like, in a way, Donald Trump has almost demonstrated to Joe Biden just how naughty a president can be with presidential orders.

Oh, has he made one? Or has he planned to make one? Oh, has he made one? Or has he planned to make one? Yeah, if you look at the Times, the Times of London, I should say, for our American listeners, not the New York Times, there's an article which says something like Biden plans flurry or blitz of presidential orders

to basically undo everything Donald Trump did in like day one. Yes, yes. So it's just like rejoining the Paris Accord, ending the Muslim ban, stopping people from pouring oil directly into the mouths of endangered bears, blah, blah, blah. Is the Muslim ban still in effect? I think so.

I think elements of it have been challenged, but the presidential order still exists. Oh, right. I don't know. But the point is, Joe Biden is like one of those guys who, someone like Donald Trump has shown him just how far you can push this particular computer processor, like an overclocker. It's like, no, if you treat it like a maniac, you can actually get this kind of performance out of this machine. And hopefully, we can look forward to four years of equally insane,

in the opposite direction, behavior. That would be good. What are the limits on executive orders? Does he get like five a week? I think you can kind of just go apeshit with them but

they can be challenged in court and repealed and nullified. Right, right, right. But they are enacted and then are challenged. But not across all areas. Right, yes. So there's some areas that are specifically reserved for the Senate or Congress or whatever.

To be honest, I'm completely unclear. And up until Donald Trump, they really weren't that big a deal. Well, Obama was quite a fan of them, wasn't he? Yeah, but this is like donald trump did like 10 a day or whatever he just constantly like he did a presidential order which was literally just diabetes medication should be cheaper or dialysis or something it doesn't it doesn't legally oblige companies to make dialysis for your kidneys any cheaper

but it's kind of a statement of legal intent or an undertaking obliges them to make dialysis for your kidneys any cheaper but it's kind of a statement of legal intent or an undertaking obliges them to make an undertaking it's it's it's strange for a democracy that prides itself on you know on checks and balances americans always going on about the check the system of checks and balances i don't see how executive orders sit in that environment. But that's the point, is that it just depends. The irony, from what I can tell, I mean, we're literally just pooling our ignorance here, so this is not a useful conversation.

But from what I can tell, they ironically rely on people taking them seriously in spirit. They aren't laws. Okay, right. Okay, okay, okay. They're like wish lists. The president's Amazon wish list. But then you have to remember that the president is the commander-in-chief,

so he can tell the military what to do. Okay, okay, okay. I see. So it's like, okay, if something is already in the president's playpen and he does one of these, it's worth more than if he does one that relates to somebody else's playpen. Okay. From what I can tell, again, neither of us know the answer to this. I'm surprised Trump hasn't abused that position as commander-in-chief to get the army to do just crazy stuff.

Just to march in the shape of the word trump through the nevada desert or just something he seems to have really missed the wall didn't he like didn't he order the army to start helping build the wall or right right okay an executive order here we go an executive order is a means of issuing federal directives issued by in the united states issued by the president that manages the operations of the federal government yeah okay yeah yeah so you can't force states to do things or anything like that no the ability to make such orders uh okay so presidential executive orders once issued remain in force until they are cancelled, revoked, adjudicated unlawful, or expire if they were given an expiry date. Cancelled.

Cancelled culture takes another victim, Pierre. The executive order. It does seem very vague. Yeah, they finally cancelled executive orders. It's so vague. You're so vague ok so Harry Truman placed all of the country's steel mills

under federal control but then that got found invalid ok here's a nice little tidbit I found out presidential tidbit I found out Presidential tidbit We all know Kamala Harris is the first WOC

The first woman of colour But first woman of colour To be vice president She is not however The first person of colour To be vice president Do you know I think I know this. This is good.

This is good. Do you know who was the first person of colour as a non-white person to be vice president of the United States? Isn't it the vice president to Hoover? Charles Curtis

Is that It was a VP in the early 20th century It is the early 20th century I think it's 1929 Yes you're right Charles Curtis The vice president to

Henry Hoover. He's going to clean up Washington. Who was himself the first vacuum cleaner president. It was a historic presidency. That was a really historic four years. And because of the drama, the obvious drama of having the first vacuum cleaner for a president, the first person of colour vice president sort of went unnoticed.

But it very much stands to be the case that Charles Curtis was the first person of colour to be vice president. He was half Native American. They were going to try and get rid of the president who was also a vacuum cleaner

but they were so racist that they preferred that to someone who was even not fully non-white yeah that's right they were like well he's a vacuum cleaner so that's terrible but we prefer we'd literally prefer that to letting anyone non-white run the country yeah you can always paint a vacuum cleaner white and they did they did do you think that charles curtis when people keep saying that um he's not the first poc to be vp um do you think he gets as annoyed as Wesley Snipes? Wait, wait, wait. You mean Kamala Harris?

Yeah, so you think from beyond the grave, Charles Curtis gets annoyed like Wesley Snipes when people keep saying that she's the first one. Oh, right, right, right. Exactly, exactly. What happened to Wesley Snipes? Well, people kept saying that Black Panther's the first Marvel superhero with a big movie franchise right but but he was blade right yeah but he's like a superhero

with a big franchise and a comic book and you know of course of course but wasn't marvel oh well yeah well you know what i mean like he's it's everyone was like wow there's literally never been a black main character superhero with a big franchise who took on at least two movies. Yeah, that's got to hurt. I think it's just because everyone was just like, well, the 90s never happened. The world began with 9-11 and it's been a horrible

place ever since. Well, so Blade never felt like an actual main, like a proper mainstream movie, did it? I don't know. I just found it kind of creepy. I never watched it. I thought it was too creepy. You thought it was too creepy?

He's like vampires and shit. It's too creepy. I don't like creepy stuff. You don't like creepy? Where's this come from? You like creepy stuff. I've watched horror films with you. No, no.

Have you? Yeah. I don't. Well, what horror films? The orphanage, that Spanish one with the kid with the fucking bag on his head? Well, there was this period when we were at university when a few of us would watch horror movies. But I could kind of watch them because there are other people there. But I don't like scary movies. This is my thing. I hate scary movies. Do you know this?

Yeah, I did know that. But hey, and also I've got like scary movies. This is like my thing. I hate scary movies. Do you know this? Yeah, I did know that, but hey, and also I've got news for you. Blade is a film and television franchise based on the fictional Marvel comic superhero of the same name. Oh, fuck. Okay. Oh, no.

Poor Wes. I know. I thought it was Marvel. It doesn't feel Marvel. I thought it's not DC, is it? No, certainly not DC. Certainly not DC. Because it was successful, am I right? Oh gosh,

yeah. I kind of want to see Wonder Woman, the new Wonder Woman. The first one was the only good. What is this? Wonder Woman 1980-something, whatever. Isn't it 1984? Isn't that the whole point? Oh, is it?

I think it's just an excuse to have gal gadot and sort of those bright pastel 80s colors and some neon isn't it well like uh like how the new the most recent call of duty is very 80s maybe that's it is it yeah it's cool aesthetic but i mean the the first the the her gal gadot's first Wonder Woman was the only good movie out of all the new DC movies I mean you and I watched Justice League of the Cinema and it was an unending stream

of piss in the mouth an impressively good, an impressively bad movie when you see a movie that's so perfectly bad, every step they manage to find the worst thing they could possibly do. You just kind of sit back and go, wow, well done. This is so bad.

This is embarrassing. You spent how much on this piece of shit? People bought mansions off of that film. Can you imagine? Yeah. Whenever someone manages to like buy a mansion after having made a really bad film it seems as unfair as if instead of picking lottery numbers i just wrote pee pee poo poo and i won the lottery anyway

and the lottery was just like you know what we just like the gumption of it what can we say we liked it okay I'm just looking it up so it is set in the 80s but it doesn't seem to be particularly based around like Orwellian or you know right I think they're only people in the world who don't know the significance of the year 1984 and they just blindly chose it maybe they just picked it as

like a name where people would go, ooh, yeah. And that was it. I guess every other 80s year they would try and look for what was significant about it. Mmm. So if they'd gone like, oh, Wonder Woman 1981, people would be like, oh, is it like a

Margaret Thatcher? That like, oh, Wonder Woman 1981, people would be like, oh, is it like a Margaret Thatcher? That'd be a great Wonder Woman, that it turns out Margaret Thatcher is Wonder Woman. I want to write that, actually. That's a great... I actually love that. That's such a great idea for an offshoot, sort of off-canon Wonder Woman series. Margaret Thatcher is

Wonder Woman. She's just going around punching all the Tory rebels or something. Yeah, just lassoing miners and just pulling them out of the mines. Get out of there! But then being disappointed

when they're stuck with the lasso of truth and they still just say, we want better wages and to still work. It's like, ah, damn. I was hoping you'd confess to something. But she has to make sure not to accidentally lasso herself with a lasso of truth in case her real accent comes out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there's an extended fight scene where Margaret

Satcher Wonder Woman kills a load of Argentinians in the Falklands. The Falkland Islands is where their island is. Or where the Amazonian island is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole Falklands War was a cover for what to watch. Of course, it all makes sense now, because

the motivations for that war are, you know, pretty unclear. But now that we know it is the secret home of the Amazonians, of course Thatcher wanted them. Of course she did. Yeah, and the Falklands war is very fun because

it is the one war where a fascist dictatorship invades a small peaceful bunch of farmers and left-wing people in the uk think that they should have won the dictatorship seemingly yeah the dictatorship seemingly yeah well these are the left who just hate Britain I sound like a fucking old Tory then but this like is a self flagellating leftism is like

well if Britain wants to do it it must be bad because we're imperialists and we just want to enslave the world the only way it made sense to me was that they hate Margaret Thatcher so much that even if Margaret Thatcher was like, vitamins are good for you, they'd be like, oh, and they'd go and immediately flush all the vitamins down the toilet. Yeah, yeah, all these picketers outside Holland and Barrett just throwing bricks through the window.

Scum! Just pulling over a big dispenser of walnuts Candied walnuts Yeah, it's um Yeah, okay, well That's another good movie franchise for us to be working on, I think Margaret Thatcher Wonder Woman Margaret Thatcher Wonder Woman a movie that will annoy everyone

i don't it would not annoy those creepy um um what's what's what's the creepy fucking um vict Torian P, what's his name? Jacob Rees-Mogg. Jacob Rees-Mogg. It would not annoy him. The kind of Tories that definitely jacks off over Margaret Thatcher at home. He'd love that. Are you kidding?

I mean, he's so religious. I imagine that he sort of, he does, it's like in a movie where a character is so repressed and uptight that they do something weird instead of jacking off. Because Jacob Rees-Mogg can't admit to himself that he's going to jack off, so he has to just, I don't know,

rub his pants on a banister. Like, frot a statue. There's that great... Frotter statue. There's a very good Frankie Boyle joke where he says, it's someone who's into porn that's so weird it's legal. Like, I think the example is like

an amputee comforting a lobster. You know, sexual proivity, that's so weird. There's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing sexual about it. Yeah, to the untrained eye, it's just a piece of esoteric video. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, if you made that movie, it would definitely get funding from Jacob Rees-Mogg's hedge fund.

Oh, yeah. It'll be brought to you by the ERG. There'd be a bit where Wonder Woman has to burst out of a load of red tape. Ah, yes. Yes. And her main enemy would be like Jimmy Brussels or something. Yeah, looking like Poirot.

Yeah, looking like Poirot and always threatening to fill in forms or something. Have you been enjoying the Brexit border chaos, Phil? No, as I've said to you over text over the last week, I've stopped watching the news. I've become one of those people. I've stopped engaging with the news. I've deleted my Twitter app once again,

but I've been quite successfully staying off it. I don't know what's going on. And currently I don't want to because we've got to a point where in a week's time, the news has completely made the last week's news irrelevant. So I'm just not going to bother

and I'll just read the news at the end of the time, of time. I'll listen to the news on my deathbed and realize, and I'll go, oh, that's where we've ended up. All right. And I will be up to date without having had to bother with all the nonsense that happens in between

that's so temporary. It doesn't really matter. But no, what's happened with the border? All the fish and meat is rotting because it's really difficult to get all the right forms and stamps from vets and stuff to get the meat through. Is this in Calais that it's

rotting? Yeah, Calais, Dover, take your pick, everywhere. Oh, in both directions? No, no. The thing is the EU can just keep selling to itself. It doesn't need us. Right, right, right, right, right. Exactly. Okay, okay. The point is that a load of

lorries full of rotting shellfish were parked around number 10 like two days ago to protest this um if only they'd been warned that something like this would happen i know if only someone had spent five years telling them in great detail that exactly this would happen almost immediately uh did you see that that new story about the the eel man a couple of weeks ago Five years telling them in great detail that exactly this would happen almost immediately. Did you see that new story about the eel man a couple of weeks ago? The eel guy. I don't think so. In England, this guy who runs an eel farm in England somewhere. Kent, maybe?

I think it was Kent. I don't know. Big eel guy, Mr. Eels. And he sold eels to the continent. But for some reason voted for Brexit in 2016. And now all his customers in Europe are buying eels from elsewhere because they don't have to bother with all the forms. Yeah. eels from elsewhere because they don't have to bother with all the forms. And he's stood there going in this

sky bit of... in this sky little report. He's going, it's just terrible. I don't understand. It's just a mess. And the reporter's like, do you regret voting for Brexit? And he's just like,

well, yeah, I guess I... I guess I do regret it oh god just like and that's the worst tragedy of all because if all this shit happens and everyone goes yeah we knew this would happen but it's worth it

whatever you can't really combat that but if it's just like dumbasses going well I didn't think it would affect me well good so this really was for nothing yeah there's at least some poetic justice in this eel man um business but what that was the maddest thing about it is that it was always like the people most likely to lose out so it's like farmers fishermen like it was so many of the people who were voting for it, people from Cornwall, people from the northeast of England, who are, like, the only employers are, like, European car manufacturers and, like, docking services. They were just like, yeah.

Whereas, like, a bunch of people who don't need to trade physically, e.g. lawyers, accountants, you know. Us. Us. Need the creative arts. Yeah, the creative arts where it's literally just emailing people. It doesn't matter. We were the ones like, no, you're going to lose all your fish. And they were like, shut up, you idiot.

You pig. You elitist, metropolitan, out of touch scumbag telling me not to run this sharp blade across my throat. How do you know what's best for me? How do you know what's best for me? Probably, well, not all as lucky as you not to have a knife to your throat. But I have a knife to my throat. I have found seven or eight doctors, all of whom agree that you can't be

certain what will happen when I do this. They don't know for sure. And in a way with tracheoctomies putting a big hole in your throat is actually very healthy. Yes. We found some cases where surgeons actively cut a hole in someone's throat to make them better. So what do you say to that, you Ramona?

Actually, here's all you need to know, Phil. I saw a pro-Brexit Twitter account yesterday where they'd changed the description in their bio, clearly, or written in their bio, I've got no time for and instead of ramona's it was re-gloters really that's an interesting turn for the books it's an interesting sort of anthropological shift which like even changing it to re-gloters acknowledges that it's shit. Jesus Christ. It acknowledges that you're right, because you don't gloat about being wrong, you gloat about being right. So it's kind of almost tacitly admitting. It's also the first etymological step in the evolution of Ramonas that is completely departed from the original pun or the original wordplay.

Reglotus has no or the original wordplay. Regloters has no relation to the word remain or remainer. Remowner word because you just changed main to moan. Regloters. If you just were given the word regloters and asked where did this come from? You'd go I have no

fucking idea. Goats? Is it to do with goats? And reupholstering goat hide to something yeah are they gloating again yeah is that what this is yeah yeah it really doesn't work but i it's amazing that like uh yeah i mean you haven't seen this because you've sanitized your life but the government's just been on the news all the time so like there'll be like a really angry Scottish fisherman who's losing like £100,000 a day worth of shellfish or whatever. And then they'll just be like Dominic Raab going,

there will always go to be teething problems. It's just an absolute spectacle. Yeah. Although the one benefit is that we're doing much better on vaccinations than the EU. So that's, you know, they can have that. I'm happy to admit that. We are doing very well on vaccinations, but would we have been prohibited from doing that had we been in the EU?

Because each country is in... Well, I'm not sure. Because each country is responsible for its own imports of vaccines, isn't it? Yeah, but the EU, I think, negotiated as a bloc. Right, right, right. And so there's all sorts of weird, labyrinthine conditions and layers of import and this and that within that. So we definitely wouldn't be doing what we're doing now.

It would definitely be different. And I'm happy to accept looking at how the EU's not entirely fucked it up but not it's doing pretty badly so far at least so they can have that but i mean no one can tell them they weren't warned about the fish part i mean i i made a pun i made some joke about jacob reese morgan the fishing disaster that was heading our way in 2018 on the radio. I mean, it's not a mystery. It's not a surprise. No. No. And you know what it is? It's symptomatic of the kind of boring people

who think that due process and management and the official arts are unnecessary and scams and easily expendable. They're for no reason but to be there. But it turns out there is a purpose for forms and rules and that when they fall apart or when there's a disruption there are real life consequences and i think that is what a lot of people are surprised by yeah they they've never taken it seriously they've always thought oh it's all just a sort of silly dance you could just oh there's no need to do any

paperwork you could just hand someone a car with some keys and tell them to drive away hmm hmm it's um it's the same kind of mindset that when there is an administrative fuck up they see that as evidence for all administration being unnecessary as opposed to

better administration being necessary yes and they just go oh well why do i need to tell anyone why i'm visiting a hospital and it's like what's important because people steal kids sometimes and if the daily mail did a big thing about a kid getting kidnapped you'd be like well why do a big snotty article. Yeah. But yeah, it's a long... I think it's a meme from 2015, but it's another good example of I didn't think the leopards would eat my face, says woman who voted for

leopards eating people's faces party. It's just leopards eating faces left and right and uh it's it's got to the point now where i'm so the entire debate on whether brexit should happen feels so long ago not just chronologically but emotionally that i don't even have it in me to be particularly gleeful anymore. It's just depressing watching a bunch of people go, What? As they step on a rake.

It's that point in, and you can see it with parents of young children. There's a point after which they have given up telling the child not to jump on the spiky twigs. And now the child is crying because his feet are bleeding. But the parent has lost all sympathy and is no longer explaining why it was bad. And they're just trying to get on with something else, going, mm-hmm, oh, it hurts, does it? Yeah, sorry, daddy's busy right now

because you're on your emails or you have to get on with life. We're now just getting on with life and all these kids we told not to jump on the sharp twigs are going, oh, my feet hurt. It's like, well, life's moved on now. Life's moved on. Thank God the people in charge

of fixing it are the same people who caused it. Not because I think it'll go better but because at least it's still some shit in their lap they haven't passed the buck yeah that's a bit of karma but you know I always think this that

people are all tired of Brexit but Brexit explains everything about how the UK has handled COVID like because of Brexit we have shat our pants on COVID Brexit explains everything. About how the UK has handled COVID. Because of Brexit, we have shat our pants on COVID because we have a government that was selected for its loyalty to Brexit, not for its ability to govern or look after shit or care for their fellow humans. And because the only qualification necessary was,

do you like Brexit? And they go, yeah. Well, you're in the government, great. And then COVID came along. Yeah, you're in charge of the economy now. And COVID came along and surprise, surprise, all these people who only had one interest are not capable of looking after it. So everything

stems from Brexit. Do you know what I find weird? Is that the same group of people who were obsessed with shutting our borders didn't do it when there was an actual reason and everyone was dying of a crazy disease. This is a very good point that's been made, yeah. Is it because it's the only time left-wing people said, close the borders, that right-wing people went,

wait, maybe we shouldn't close... Why do they want us to close the borders? Is this a trap? I love the idea that like the uk it's it's it's been a year and the uk has lost you know tens of thousands of people and it's just looking into maybe stopping flights now or yeah or asking for a negative covid test now yeah it's astonishing the idea that these people obsessed with stopping foreigners coming in and causing trouble obsessed the second it was like hey foreigners could come in and cause trouble with a disease and everyone agrees everyone agrees everyone that you need to shut down the borders

they went no in fact we're going to put on extra private jets for the people who cough the most in the queue for a fucking flight to Heathrow. Everyone with a fever gets to go in the fast queue. Yeah, yeah. If you can't walk, we're going to wheel you through the fast security check. Yeah, yeah. fast security check um yeah yeah so so we we're uk's in a position where we we have to we have to put up with all the shit bits of having little englanders in charge but not enjoy any of the few advantages of having little englanders in charge borders. No, for some reason, for some reason, Priti Patel has sat there and gone,

well, I see no reason why the International Wuhan Coughing Choir can't come for a visit in February, but I'm just going to deport these seven Jamaican pensioners. They're the real threat to society. These elderly black British people have weighed down this great nation for long enough. After coming over and rebuilding it with their hands. Just amazing.

That is the bitter side of today being the last day of Donald Trump's presidency. Yeah. Is that tomorrow there's a good chance we have to go back to being the most embarrassed major Western democracy. Oh, that's true. Oh, no, now we're...

There's a decent chance. oh that's true oh no now we're now we're the yeah we're the oh yeah that's not good we're one of the only ones with a pants full of shit that's right we're that kid who's always got snot in his nose and for four years there was a

foreign exchange student who came in and was just covered in shit all day long and we were like well it's nice to have the attention of us for a moment but now that kid's parents are moving to portugal and so we're the snot we're the we're the worst kid in the class we're the most embarrassing we're the snotty kid in class again we're the worst kid in the class. We're the most embarrassing. We're the snotty kid in class again. We're the dirtiest kid in class again. Because a kid covered with shit has gone. And no one pays enough attention to how weird the Australian

kid is. That's the nearest comparison would be like Scott Morrison being weird and incompetent in his own way. But it's nothing compared to our long-running, our now long-running reputation as snotty boy number three. That's right.

That's right. Jacinda Ardern is head girl. Yep. She's already got a place at Oxbridge. She's head girl. Yeah, Jacinda Ardern is head girl. Justin Trudeau is head boy, but he nearly lost being head boy

because they found pictures of him blacked up at a sixth form party. Oh, International Dress Day was a disaster. Yeah, Justin Trudeau was sent home on International Dress Day. And the school had to apologise in the local paper. But ultimately he wasn't expelled because the school felt they needed him. Yeah, he's captain of the rugby team.

He's quite popular with the ladies. It's quite a difficult expel, that one. He's just on a warning. He's on a warning. Yeah, and he's got a couple of good offers from various good unis. The school needs him for the stats as well. That's right. That's right.

And his dad was important. His dad is a big school donor yeah I like this I like World Leader High School it's good Boris Johnson in World Leader High School

is definitely the kind of John Candy sort of John C. Reilly figure, sort of a kind of slightly overweight, weird hair, horny, silly man. Yeah, the really snotty one that the boys get to gross out the girls. Yeah.

And the one who they kind of goad into doing the horror kind of disgusting stunts as opposed to doing them themselves. Bolsonaro is just the insane bully. The one that you just... He's obsessed with guns.

He always has a stick gun. He's always got a toothpick in his mouth. That's the vibe he has. But yeah, I think I hadn't quite considered that. Yeah, now we are the only Western liberal democracy run by a fucking clown. Yeah, it's true. I can't believe Brexit and Boris Johnson's ascendancy, you know, kind of fired the starting gun on Donald Trump by a few months and remains. I mean, isn't it mad that, like, there are all those articles and think pieces of, like, what donald trump presidency means for brexit britain

and brexit and the donald trump presidency have coincided for 19 days yes that's true that's insane isn't it isn't that fucking mad well they'll be like well of course even if donald trump doesn't get a second term we'll have a wonderful trade deal by then. In the fortnight where the two will overlap. This mentally ill orange man will find the time to negotiate

a 10,000 page trade deal. Whilst trying to pardon himself and all his friends, he'll find the time to write up a new free trade agreement between the UK and the US. Yeah, he'll ignore Deutsche Bank calling in his $300 million overdue loan. And he'll ignore the idea that the FBI are after him

or the fascist riot that killed the policeman in congress that he inspired and he won't he won't kill himself until right after he signed that trade deal how funny how funny would it be if we were watching the inauguration and it's like all getting set up for joe biden and then it's donald trump you know walking to the helicopter and turning around and waving like nixon you know and he's waving and there goes and now no longer president donald trump and then as he's waving and walking to the helicopter he just jumps and just his head just gets whipped off by the races he jumps like the freeze frame at the end of an 80s movie and just and then everyone just has to go oh my god like the one way he could overshadow

joe biden completely it's by leaping into helicopter blades his red tie just swinging in the air i thought what you're gonna say was um which is what i think was how i picture it happening as donald trump leaves the white house and officially stepping down for the presidency the second he steps off white house ground the fbi go from watching joe biden to chasing donald trump because of all the shit they have to interrogate him about the second he becomes a civilian they have to go uh yes goodbye mr president it's been a pleasure and an honor get him and they just have to run and tackle him to the ground i feel like it's gonna look like you know when they show footage of how they train police dogs and they just hold the dogs by a leash and a guy just wearing loads of padding has to run really awkwardly along

a court and then let dogs go and he's trying to run really awkwardly along a court and then the little dog's going and he's trying to run in all this padding and the dog's like perfectly still until the trainer goes go! it's like the secret service guy shaking Donald Trump's hand goodbye and then

as Donald Trump tries to pull his hand away he's already handcuffed he's already in federal custody somehow. That's so funny. Like, yeah, that's going to be fascinating. Like, how... Yeah, what happens? What happens to Donald Trump when he starts being president?

I mean, yeah, either the rotor blades thing, or as the helicopter took off and it was flying away across DC, you just see this fat figure with a flying red tie just fall out. Just, and there goes the president. Oh, something is, oh my God. And it's the news, the whole day, the news has to be about that, even though Joe Biden's just been inaugurated. The whole day, the news has to be about that,

even though Joe Biden's just been inaugurated. I'm imagining him falling with, like, his arms rigidly by his sides as well, like a mannequin would. Yeah, me too. Just implacable. Like planking, like he's planking in the air. Yeah. If he gets in a helicopter,

I also see like him waving and then instantly once he's off the once he's off the ground just like two fighter jets just have to come and like flank the helicopter and like demand that it lands yeah we believe there's a federal fugitive

aboard he just wheels out a huge minigun we believe there's a federal fugitive aboard. He just wheels out a huge minigun. Where did he get that from? Just the helicopter lands in a prison. And he's still waving as he gets off, like going down the steps.

Melania stays. Just straight into jail oh gosh oh man interesting times interesting imagine the autobiography of donald trump oh imagine the kind of rambling insane imagine being the ghost writer where it's like okay you're not gonna like this but it it's like, okay, you're not going to like this, but it's worth like $10 million. You have to turn the diary of a madman into something approaching a recognizably true document.

It doesn't even have to be true. It just has to be grammatically coherent. We'll start at grammatically coherent. Just control F the phrase, some are saying the best, and just delete that. It's a good third of the word count. Yeah, find and replace.

Find and replace some are saying the best with a full stop. And just hit that and we're good to go. Yeah. Let's, let's hope he really pads it out with lots of sort of fun anecdotes about picking the right kind of steaks to have at the Trump tower restaurant, that kind of thing. As opposed to rambling denunciations of like 11 different generals.

He's like a, he's like a Roman emperor, the number of generals he's had. Personal quibbles with. He talks about generals like he is in direct competition with them to run for president. At any time, they could run for president. There's at any time they could they could run for president there's no there's no way that even someone you'd have to be as insane as donald trump like if you sat down to write your biography your autobiography rather and you realize that you were on your like 13th general who you were like and then there was this general who i had to fire there's got to be a point where you think maybe i'm bad with generals what is it about me and generals so i just i don't see eye to eye with these guys

you think he'd like generals because they're like the ultimate man's man surely a general yeah what's like he had he had like general mad dog mattis was like one of his chief of staff and also like his defense secretary at some point i think as well and they fell out and it's like if you can't get on with a general who's so warlike and kind of hawkish that his nickname is mad dog he was like head of the marines and like then you're too crazy for mad dog what the fuck was he suggesting that would be a good thing if it was an honest autobiography and it was just pages and pages of donald trump going and then i just suggested that we just you know uh uh for maybe a month

just to clear things up arrest all the black people in America. And apparently that was a bad idea too. Like just this amazing list. Oh yeah, I mean, potentially it's an amazing book. Potentially it's a more important autobiography than Barack Obama's. Yeah, and again, the second it's published, the first book that comes off the printing press production line is just immediately into the hands of the fbi again just everything is evidence we got him yeah the chief investigator just gets

the end of the book and closes and goes we got him yeah we got him it's all in here it's it's it's unbelievable what is wrong with this guy can we get a copy of that yeah in every bookshop and once the fbi had got together about uh 25 dollars uh well it was case closed like it's actually turns out to be the hardest case ever because you have to read and make sense of the book some officials wanted to wait until the evidence came out in paperback but we just thought there wasn't time the the judge nearly uh screwed the whole case when he he he considered the idea you know floated by trump's defense attorneys that the book was so unreadable and full of gibberish that it couldn't possibly be taken as serious evidence.

Or that was proof of mental illness. It was not of sound mind when he wrote this bestseller. Just that, yeah, the ghostwriter being depositioned, being like, yeah, I had being depositioned being like yeah I had to have a lot of like he would call me at 4am when he was audibly on the toilet rambling about how Barack Obama

had shat his bed I'm looking forward to it coming out anyway I'm looking forward to the audiobook I mean what an audiobook Oh my god Is there anything you think you're going to miss Obviously we'll both miss the company Because we're still run by a clown

But do you think there's anything you're going to miss about the guy himself I think I'm going to miss about the guy himself? Um, I think I'm going to miss that he was genuinely funny. And I don't say that in the sort of way your your dad's friend would. Um, he was genuinely funny

and so funny that comedy about Donald Trump wasn't funny. I think that's when you know someone, something is genuinely funny on its own merits is that donald trump wasn't funny i think that's when you know someone something is genuinely funny on its own merits is that when you try and make fun of it it's not funny so jokes about donald trump are not funny because he's already funny he's already funnier yeah he had that he had that really dangerous kind of wit where it's not highbrow but it's caustic enough at a kind of high school bully level and his timing is really good I mean like I don't know if you remember

one of the all those years back now one of the debates with Hillary Clinton where she just where she just goes it would be a tragedy if this man were in charge of the legal system or the FBI or whatever and he goes

yeah because you'd be in jail just like lightning just like pow and the timing is so of the legal system or the FBI or whatever. And he goes, yeah, because you'd be in jail. Just like lightning. Just like, pow! Just like that. And the timing is so... It's like a good compare. It's timing. And the timing is so good

that Hillary Clinton can't do anything with it. Yeah. Everyone laughs and Hillary Clinton just looks frazzled. And you just go, yeah, he's good.

He's funny. And I started to worry when he was debating hillary clinton and she said we need to do all this stuff and also i've got loads of experience because i've been in high level politics for like 30 years and then donald trump was like and then we need to do all this stuff and um donald trump just goes well so why didn't you you're the one saying you've been in charge this whole time why there's so many problems and i was and Donald Trump just goes well so why didn't you? You're the one saying you've been in charge this whole time, why are there so many problems? And I was like oh no, it was like watching a monkey pick up a tool

and immediately know how to use it, like a wrench oh oh oh oh oh oh trying to press the button to call the zookeeper to come shoot the monkey Yeah Yeah Yeah I guess that's what's real danger about it, I mean from come shoot the monkey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's his real danger about him from a societal point of view,

from a comedy point of view, is that he was funnier than the satire about him. Yeah, satire was pointless because nothing could be as funny as what he was already doing. And also, it didn't matter if you were laughing with or at him because he'd already won.

He was the president. Yeah. Yeah. He was the president. Yeah. Yeah. He was the president and he was entertaining you. Whether you liked him or not, he was entertaining you. And that's all he was there to do. That's all he ever wanted to do. Yeah.

And then even if you said something which was true, he would just kind of shrug and go, yeah, well, you're a fat bitch or something. Everyone would go, whoa, because the president never says that. Everyone would go, whoa, because the president never says that. And in my darker recesses of my troubled spirit, I would go, he does have a point. That person is kind of a fat bitch. Did you see what Dave Chappelle said?

Dave Chappelle was talking about how funny he was in this SNL monologue. Right. Because Dave Chappelle quoted Donald Trump calling coronavirus Kung Flu. It's good. That's a problem. Think how awkward it is being East Asian. When I heard Kung Flu, I was like, brilliant.

That is a pun of the highest order. Yeah, I mean, i think i won't miss having him around but i'll miss i think for me uh because i you know i'm not particularly personally affected by a lot of the stuff he's done you know i don't live there or whatever but it's been like um if you've ever lived with like a completely insane flatmate or known a completely insane person in your group of friends who you don't really want to be friends with but it's just nonetheless there you sort of go oh thank god that person's out of my life but you know now i've lost a source of many anecdotes that's it that's true a lot of ridiculous and at

the time extremely infuriating and inconvenient humour came out of this awful person. But on the other side, we live now in an age of content saturation and there was no room for it. Now we'll finally be able to watch the box sets that we're supposed to watch and listen to music

because we don't have this ongoing content fountains just spewing catchphrases and unprecedented events and riots. And we have time. Time enough at last to read and to to to get to know each other it's like it's like if you ever have that one friend who's like a total liability and if you ever get a text about them or they start ringing your phone at 3 a.m and your general gut reaction after too many shenanigans like oh what the fuck have they done now but if that person was the most powerful human in history right yeah yeah yeah i've never i've never kept one of those i know most men have one of those you know liability friends i've never held on to one i just i just whenever i come

across someone who could potentially be that in my life i just think they should well they should be in jail and i try and have nothing to do with them. I just hope they get arrested. You should have seen Jamie on the weekend. He put a spike in his own ass. I hope he gets arrested for something, because I don't want to hear about this, and this is not good.

And this is not good. it's such a funny sentiment and this is not good okay you're saying it like it's good i just want to tell you right now it's no this is not good uh like me well um good luck american American listeners, with your new ancient deathless god president. Yes. Long may he reign. Long may he reign. The White House has had to import a historic amount of Werther's Originals for all the bowls. Listen, the White House is full of bowls of Werther's Originals. When you come in, everyone's offered a Werther's Original.

A lot of big tartan blankets. The White House is going to be warmer than it's ever been It's going to be more heated than at any point in its history It's going to be insufferable It's going to be insufferable And White House aides have been frantically reading up on references To television shows from the early 70s. I was listening to a documentary about Joe Biden today,

and there was an amazing bit when they were talking about him being lucky, in a way, because he was too old to get drafted in the Vietnam War. Oh my God. And I just went, Jesus, he is old. This guy is old. We've gone from a president we all made fun of for avoiding the Vietnam War to a president who was too old to get enlisted in the Vietnam War. To a guy who missed it.

Oh, man. That's insane. Oh, my God. Oh, man. Well... Oh, Lord. Well, good luck for a different reason, America. oh man well oh lord well good luck for a different reason America I hope you don't have a surprise fascist coup tomorrow I'm sure you won't

yeah yeah I think it'll be alright I mean if we learned anything about the storming of capital it was that all that's really needed to stop these people is some police. If they'd had some police, it probably would have been all right. And also, once they get in there,

what they tend to do is mill around and film themselves on Facebook Live. Whereas this will be filmed for everyone already, so they'll feel no need to do that. Exactly, yeah. Okay, well, that's inauguration pod listeners uh thank you very much for downloading it and goodbye bye