BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - Episode 99 - Correspondence Birthday Special!

Episode Date: January 27, 2021

Correspondence! The boys discuss Y2K, savants, learning to read, "What's this?!" and Callous Wang and whisky. Emails about: NZ lockdown praise, Alec Dick, a Poo Year's Eve fountain and a Masaai toilet investigation Get bonus BudPod on Patreon! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tonight we will be farting like it's Bud Pod 99. That's right. It's a turn of the millennium here at Bud Pod Towers. The millennium. The millennium. The millennium. This is a thing where it becomes gibberish again. The millennium.

The millennium. Ring in the new P. Lenobum everyone what do you mean you don't understand P. Lenobum I wonder if Budpod will fall prey to to Y2K Yes, yeah Guys, do remember to make sure that your

Budpods don't revert to zero Yeah Yeah Which will, yeah Make sure you don't go back to episode zero, which is a sort of secret episode that no one knows exists.

And is proof that Bud Pod is scripted. There. And the guest is Mewtwo. The Pokemon. Yeah. Yeah. It's like one of those glitches, like in the Game The Pokemon? Yeah. It's like one of those glitches, like in the Game Boy game. Yeah.

And Mewtwo says something really problematic. Mewtwo's cancelled. Mewtwo gets cancelled. So don't let your Budpod revert to zero. Here on the eve of Y2K. What is the Budpod equivalent of Y2K? Um, ooh.

Uh, BP... Oh, YPK. YPK. YPK. It was staring us right in the brown eye. YPK. Yes, don't fall into the trap of YPK. Yes, don't fall into the trap of Wipe Poo K. Now, this is something I've never been sure of. How real Y2K was.

People say, oh, it was nothing to worry about in the end. And then recently I've seen things saying, well, there was nothing to worry about because of all the computer scientists who fixed it. But was there a real problem with Y2K? I was sort of too young for it. It seems like it. I mean, I think that's part of the plot

of the movie Office Space, isn't it? Like one of the guy's jobs is just to change 1999 to 1999 in all the data and all the programming. But it definitely would have... I think it definitely would have fucked stuff up but frankly it is funny it's one of those problems where it's like

it's a bit like lockdown in that respect when people go like well not that many people are dying and it's like well first of all they are and secondly we're locked down so it's not going to stay like this if we stop yeah people just don't understand like preventative measures they sort of go

it's like well i don't think the mongol army is really violent we're behind these huge walls and none of us have died yet they've just got no understanding of so i can fully believe that it's just generally because like the awareness campaign and all the work people put into avoiding ytk was so huge yeah but what was the actual work people put into avoiding YTK was so huge. Yeah, but what was the actual work that went into it? Literally changing the year from 1999 to 1999 and changing it from a base of 100 to a base of thousands. Yeah, adjusting all the clocks. Internal clocks and internal programming and date machines. I mean, it could have just been paranoia, but also...

They call me the date machine. They call you the... Any date, you can name it. 1st of January, go for it. No, I meant in the romantic sense. I don't know, that's a romantic thing, isn't it? To know all the dates of the year. I'm just a date

machine. Yeah. That would be quite a funny way to mess with a kid, maybe. Hey, I know every date there is. Try me. What's mad are those people, those savants, who know the day of the week

for any date. You can name them a date in the 7th century. Like 5th of July 628. That's the year. And they'll go, that was Friday. And you go, my god.

And then you... What? Yeah, it's one of those skills where you go, that is a superhuman skill and I cannot think of a use for it outside of a detective story that's right that's right it's a great sideshow

in a Victorian time a person could have made a good living touring the country yeah but now now you might get like one phone in on a local radio station especially in those days where it's like now we you you and i can type that into a computer to check but if you can't check then you just have to go okay i'm actually what day did i say july oh july something six four Oh, July something 648 Hmm I was going to check it to see if I got it right

Um Nah, I can't be arsed now That's where you'll never be a savant Yeah, I can't even be arsed to go back into this recording and check what I said And I think

I might sit down and learn the days of the week. Yeah, lockdown. Do you remember learning the days of the week? It feels like one of those things that you just like the names Mama and Papa. You don't remember learning. I don't remember learning them.

I remember learning to read, but learning them I remember learning to read But that's because I learned to read quite late Oh yes This is an interesting feature of the Of the Pierre legend Yeah I learned to read when I was Six That's a late bloomer

I didn't need to read Up to that point Like a stale loaf of bread That is a late bloomer I didn't need to read up to that point Like a stale loaf of bread That is a late bloomer Very nice Thank you Like a pair of Victorian underpants That haven't arrived yet through the post

That's a late bloomer But yeah, I can remember That's a late blue bar. But yeah, I can remember. Like a tarty mother who's covered in who's covered in blueberry jam. That's a late blue ma. Like a depressed, famous

cellist. Who is dead. That is a late blue ma. So at the age of six, you're... But you have since been such an avarice reader? avarice wait what word am I thinking of? voracious

voracious? why are you doing avaricious? I might have started reading earlier but I've fallen behind in the interim. You started too early you're exhausted, you're out of juice I've fallen behind in the interim. You started too early. You're exhausted.

You're out of juice. I remember being complimented by my own mother for learning to read early. But I don't know if I was truly a natural or if she was just being kind. Yeah. Maybe I was five five i was five or six but i remember i remember watching i remember i remember the feeling of of learning like like letters becoming sounds in my head wow and i remember my dad i remember saying in in a gun instead of and my dad saying oh no when there's those three letters together, it makes an ing sound like when you say running. And I remember being like, right, I'd better remember that.

That's probably going to come up a lot. I like to think that's exactly the words you said to your father when you were five years old. Ah, right. I should probably remember that. I imagine that's going to come up a lot. As I noted it on like a yellow legal pad with a little pair of glasses yes yes thank you this is this is all great thank you so much for coming in yeah half moon glasses that you look you like look look like you peer down to look through the glasses yeah and i'm like i look over them skeptically at my own father

you're telling me that those three letters make one sound? Right, right, yes, that's very useful, Malcolm and Andy, yeah Okay, okay, see, now I'm glad this is why we brought you in This is the kind of thing you're bringing to the table I'm a bit hung over today You've been hung over? You had some sweet sweet wine I had some sweet wine I had some very sweet whiskey My mother sent me some birthday whiskey

Ah yes of course We should say on the pod Happy birthday officially Thank you It's that awkward Bud-pot of the year that's after my birthday but before yours. I never know what to do in these in-between days. Yes, it's like Christmas and New Year.

Yeah, or you just lounge around and wait for the next thing. Who are you going to kiss at midnight on Pierre's birthday? That's what's weighing heavy on my mind now. Well, I'm just sick of eating Phil Wang birthday cake casserole. And opening my presents. Yeah, opening all of your presents under the Phil Wang tree. Just a big mannequin of me naked, just with my arms outstretched,

like a Vesuvian man just stood in the corner of the room. I was thinking of it being like... I was trying to think of a particularly Malaysian tree, like a mangrove. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a coconut tree. Yeah, a mangrove tree or a palm tree. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be quite. That's fine. That's another example of the kind of horrifying pagan folk horror imagery we can come up with on Bud Pod. I just imagined you, like you said, like you naked with your arms outstretched, but also like within the gnarled tendrils of a mangrove tree. Terrifying. Like some kind of tree demon.

But it's just not Phil's birthday without one. Don't decorate it without me. Yeah, so my mother got me a bottle of scotch called... It's spelt of Bunahabhain. It's from Isla. the isle of first from isla the isle of isla um but it's pronounced buna haven haven it's one of those you know words with a where a bh is a v and it's the most delicious whiskey it's so sweet and and it's You know what? Sometimes you

get a drink and on the bottle it says there are notes here of beef tenderloin and amice and licorice and gummy bears. And you taste it and it's just, no, that's just tequila.

But this one is like dried fruits and there's caramel and vanilla. And you're tasting it and going, yes, yes, it's all there. It's really delicious. And you were there. And you are there. And dried apricots, you were there. And toasted nuts, you were there.

But now I am hanging. Yeah, I bet you're a good spokesman for the best whiskey in the world apart from Lucky Kentucky of course well of course nothing is as good as Lucky Kentucky you can't no other whiskey has the

delicious tang of octopus eggs that's true you can't get a certain level of depth and flavor without them sweet OEs. Yeah, but Bennehaven is in partnership with Lucky Kentucky. It's the sister whiskey of Scotland to Lucky Kentucky. Yes, yeah.

The slogan they've adopted as a kind of co-production is we'd like to think we can learn a lot from each other. Partnership. Well, so, listeners, the other day I sat down, and I desperately, like a student having an essay crisis in their first year at university, I desperately went through all the emails and I tried to just pluck some out so we can get moving.

Yeah, you looked like Bob Cratchit in The Christmas Carol. Just my candlelight going through all these emails about poo. Ink and poo all over my fingers. So hopefully we'll be able to do that. Because normally, I know we sound like a very professional and obviously, according to the conspiracy theory, pretty scripted podcast. But normally, I do just read them as I do it live.

So this is some good adult behavior that I've engaged in now. Yeah, the equivalent of sight reading in music is what pierre does yes um so let's do it let's have a correspondent special and see how many of the new slipstream streamlined emails we get through correspondence correspondence Correspondence. Correspondence. Bring letters. Keep getting emails. Coolest emails. Phone calligrapher. Twins. Your sister. Keep it pretty. I feel. To cool me.

Bring letters. Correspondence. I'm sorry, listener, for any cleaning noises you might hear through the microphone. Yeah, Phil is... But there's some cleaning going on. Phil is trying to hoover his microphone. I am currently being cleaned. I'm receiving my annual full body wash.

Like in Gulliver's Travels. They're just all these little people climbing all over me and waxing me. Just hoovering all your nooks. So, Leilani gets in touch. Leilani. Leilani gets in touch Leilani Leilani what a lovely name Leilani

yeah it's good I don't think I've seen it before I've never heard it before I've still never seen it I've still never seen it I've still only ever heard it you've seen and heard it relative to me you're a Leilani expert at this point.

Oh, I've got a PhD. She says, Dearest pod buddies, I felt compelled to write in in support of Phil's desire for everyone to calm their goddamn tits about New Zealand's successful management of coronavirus. Thank you. Not enough people are saying this.

Calm the hell down. She says, I assume it's a she. She says, I love my home, but if New Zealand were a child, then its population would be the parent that brags loudly to every other adult in the place and buys every copy of the local rag when their darling makes the paper. This is very true. I.e. we lose our fucking minds if John Oliver or Stephen Colbert

acknowledges our existence. Right, right, right. Anyway, many thanks for the pod. It's very refreshing. Yeah. Many thanks for the pod. It was much appreciated during lockdown and I finally converted my partner into a regular listener by selecting choice bits to play with in earshot.

That's good, like tempting them over. Just through a megaphone. Yeah. It was the story about Pierre's bolly going berserk over Christmas that finally tipped him into being a full-blown fan. So please convey my thanks for its service, Koji. Was it when your bolly just started giving you real grief? Yeah, when my bolly went berserk.

Yeah. When bollies go crazy. Just a black and white picture of my right testicle in a slow zoom. Just the small word in the bottom corner, the word reconstruction. It's an actor who's just like,

he's basically, he's just a white guy with a beard. He doesn't really look like me. Yeah. Yeah. And his twitching bolly. Well, it was all worth the berserk bolly to get Leilani's boyfriend on side, so I'm glad we got another regular listener. Yeah, absolutely.

You never know what's going to get people. It's true. It is true. And to give you an idea of how to be fair how well new zealand has um run it that's that's leilani they're saying oh it was really nice to hear it during lockdown and she sent that uh in close to the middle of last year right gosh i've forgotten how old these are yeah they're not as old as you think Lalani's no longer listening to the podcast she's out surfing and going to restaurants she doesn't even remember that email

orgy just kiwi orgy after kiwi orgy I imagine a kiwi orgy would be very polite very polite. Very polite, and at which you're very likely to bump into someone you know. I mean, once you...

Two orgies down, and they're going to have to start being repeats. Oh, I'll have to fuck Steve again. It's just like a rotor. In my head, everyone at the orgy just sounds like Murray from Flight of the Conchords.

Yeah, yeah. Present. Put my dick in there. Yeah, taking a roll call. Joe gets in touch Joe have a go and he did have a go at sending us an email

hey there pod rosebuds oh yes it's what we'll say on our deathbeds. And I like this a lot from Joe. Long time strainer, first time dropper. Horrible.

That's like slow poo. Yeah, yeah, it was a bit like slow poo gosh i haven't thought about slow poo in a while yeah long time streamer first time dropper great uh he says firstly i nearly died in the shower when i heard the punch line of raw chicken fight club unbelievable delivery thank you very much that's i think our crowning jewel crown jewel raw chicken fight club i still think about that sometimes raw chicken fight club i think about it like i i want to put a balcony on an old house and stand on it and look out to sea and think about it yeah the spinning light of a distant lighthouse sweeping over your face

uh so joe continues in listening to episode 70 I heard mention of Sandy Cobbledick Remember that? Oh It rings a bell, what's Sandy Cobbledick? I think we were talking about phallic names And how easy it was to end up with a phallic name And I think Sandy Cobbledick was one of the names That one of us made up in a riff about that

Okay, okay, okay And how you never got a woman You got a woman called Fanny, but that was kind of the end of it. There was never anyone called like... That's right. Oh, yes. Never anyone called like Minj Edwards.

Yes, yes, yes, of course. Yeah. Says, I heard mention of Sandy Koboldek and was reminded of my very first girlfriend. Oh, I'm intrigued. Jess was a lovely girl and contrary to the typical father of 14-year-old tropes, her father and I got on pretty well.

How peculiar to get on with the father of the bride at 14. Yeah. That was until I asked what his first name was. 14-year-old girls are terrible at introductions. Now, it's important to know. It's important to know it's important to know that's really the idea of a 14 year old boy going to his 14 year old girlfriend well are you going to introduce me it's funny but like uh like flirting with the dad like you'd

flirt with the mom this must be your brother you didn't tell me i had a brother are you going to tell me the handsome gentleman's name? I can't just keep calling him handsome all night. He says, now it's important to know that Jess and her father had an extremely phallic 30s American detective surname. That's right. Okay. Their surname was Dick. Great, great. So imagine my amusement when this large former naval officer said that his name was Alec.

Alec? Alec Dick. Ah, very good. Oh, his parents should have foreseen that, surely. They must have done it. Alec Dick. Alec Dick. And what's great about Alec Dick is that depending on your pronunciation,

it can be I like Dick or I lick Dick. It's true. There's no way out. You snook it. And if you ever say, no, no, no, I don't like it, then they go, oh, you don't like it, but you still lick it. That's weird. You're screwed. You're screwed, mate.

You're finished. You're done. You're done. Move schools. Get over it. Allectic. Allectic. There's no way out of it. Allectic. Allectic. Allectic. Allectic. Allectic. Allectic. Alec Dick. Alec Dick. Alec Dick. Alec Dick. Alec Dick. Alec Dick. Alec Dick.

Me? Oh, Alec Dick. Who are you? Me? Oh, Alec Dick. When you say it like that, it sounds quite like a sassy way of admitting it. Me? Alec Dick. It must be a nightmare For him to have a reservation at a brothel And he turns up and they're like name please

I don't know if you have reservations at brothels And they're like name please And you go Alec Dick And they're like alright We'll have to change the booking but that's fine Name please Alec Dick. Sir, we don't have much time. We run a very strict schedule here, and you only get the... Alec Dick.

That's it. Get out! Are you looking for a job? I like the idea of them taking bookings. I'm sorry, sir, but all of our sex workers are full. I'm afraid you'll have to wait. If you could have called ahead. Do you know who I am?

I'm the mayor. So, this big naval officer says, My name is Alec. It took me a second, but I enjoyed a hearty laugh and said something along the lines of you almost got me there alec dick brilliant seriously though what's your name oh no he repeated that his name was alec four or five times with such deadpan delivery that i really i should have picked up on the awkwardness now radiating around the table His name was Alec Alec Nick It's like an episode of Kirby Enthusiasm

Yeah exactly Your parents called you Alec? It's their fault, not mine. Come on! Come on, that's funny. I'm sorry. He says, we broke up a few months later after another brilliant anecdote, which I will send if I hear a relevant story on the pod. But Alec Dick is a veritable celebrity amongst my friends some 15 years later.

Hope you enjoy this, because I really enjoyed remembering it again. Koji, Joe. Wow, thank you so much, Joe. What a great story about Alec. And intriguing what topic we will have to cover to unlock

this second story. Like an Xbox or a Steam achievement. Yeah, but one of the weird ones like there's no way except for complete luck that you could you could find it yes yes yes yes and we just one day we do a story about someone uh i don't know someone someone holding a guinea pig to ransom and he's like that's it holding a guinea pig to ransom. And he's like, that's it? Holding a guinea pig to ransom. That's it. That's triggered it.

It's like the Manchurian candidate. He hears the code word and he just goes into a zombie-like state and sends us the email. Let's see. Who is next? Yes. Okay. So this is quite a long one, but I think it's worth it because it's vigorous.

It's a vigorous story from Tom. Vigorous correspondence. Tom. Tom. My hombre. Nice, yes. Tom says, gentlemen, I will dispense with the traditional pleasantries of attempting

to crowbar your names into any references to feces, as I fear we're about to delve into a tale where any superfluous asides will result in your dear listeners reaching not just to turn their devices off, but launch them into the nearest lake. Oh, very good. Yeah, this is good. Take my hand, he says. yeah this is good take my hand he says take my hand and i will take you on a journey to new year's eve as we were due to depart 2017 and enter 2018 i i just i love the artistry that our listeners put into their letters knowing that it could be months if not years before they are read but still

they commit they commit better than I do to certain professional projects yes they commit more than I do to things I know will happen this is a shot in the dark whether or not

we'll get to this before we retire. Yeah. They make their emails with such care and then just send them out like that fucking satellite with all the music on it. Voyager or whatever. I'm just hoping that an alien finds it. Yeah, exactly.

So he says, So it's New Year's Eve 2017. My dear friends Neil and Julia had recently moved to a new home and felt that it was the perfect opportunity to christen their new home by inviting their loved ones and closest friends for a house party and a New Year's extravaganza. Ooh, lovely. House warming and a year warming.

That's right. That's what New Year's Eve is. It's a year warming. It's a year warming. Now, this charming pair had met as childhood sweethearts at school, and we were all in our late 30s. So, as you can imagine, we have all known each other for most of our lives. Neil, however, felt that as they had moved to a new area and bought this new home because of a change in his work, should invite some of his new colleagues.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Something old, something new? That's right. Something borrowed? Something gold, something poo. A handful of whom arrived and did their best to blend into the group who, as you can imagine, having known each other their whole lives, have their own in-jokes and cliques.

Very tricky. very difficult situation tough it's a tough it's a tough and it's an uphill climb sometimes for people that's the that's a situation where you have to do the the worst thing for me the most cringy thing a person can say when they're trying to crowbar themselves into a conversation what's this you know you know when you're just on the periphery of a group conversation and you just stood there and there's been no clear opening for you to come in

and you just go you know you can see on this person's face this person trying to get in that they're gonna have to like shit or get off the pot at this point because people are starting to notice that they just stood there holding their drink for five minutes and they go what's this?

And they say it with a smile and their eyebrows raised. What's this? I've got to the age now where I can smell the passive aggression, the irritation coming off of that sentence. What's this? See, I have a lot of... The fear! The fear of that sentence what's this see i i have a lot of fear the fear of it what's this and then and then the worst is if it's an inside joke they go oh no it's it's it's nothing it's just this old is and then you can see their eyes glaze over as they consider

do i tell the whole whole story yeah of this inside joke do we have time yeah especially if it's if it's like it's only funny due to age what's this oh man that gives me shivers just thinking about it i see i have i i have sympathy where i'll just invite the person in and I'll give them just enough information about the in-joke so that they can kind of latch on if they're good at imagining stories. That's how you're very good. I've noticed in the group you're very good

at considering the people who have no idea what's going on and you will bring them up to speed. I consider myself like a war correspondent. Okay, and so... Okay, just over there. Yeah, you're very good. You're a Sherpa on unknown peaks, whereas I...

Sometimes I lean in, and if I'm feeling gregarious, I lean in and go, sorry, this is about uh jeremy's yacht it's a brilliant catamaran or whatever it is we're talking about that's alienating um and but a lot of the time i adopt this sort of sometimes i get into callous wang mode you know and i i adopt this position of like survival of the fittest yes and i go no actually no this is up to them now they're gonna have to wade these unknown waters and um and they're going

to have to ask what's going on i'm not going to help i'm not going to help i think i think that's what it is i think you're much more willing than me to to turn around on on on the on the mountain uh face and and just cut the rope it's just mouthing i'm sorry only one of us can ascend whereas um i think it's because i what i'm what i'm really doing is putting my hand on the shoulder and saying i too was once a what's this. Yeah, exactly. As I throw back my hood. You got a scar.

A big scar and an eye patch over the eye. So this is what's going on at Neil's house. Yeah, yeah, what's this? Yeah, what's this? So one chap, who is that this is a work colleague um and he says let's call him stevie for anonymity's sake very good stevie so this is a new a new person isn't yeah this is a new guy um so stevie felt that rather than blending in naturally he would attempt to use his alpha male persona to install himself as the central feature of the party oh big risk big risk

potentially big payoff but i've never seen it work no not since teenage hood have i seen it work. No. Not since teenage-hood have I seen that work. No, no, that's true. You know what I mean? It's a big risk. So if that meant he would challenge Orland Sundry to arm wrestles, he would do so. What was his new job? What's his new job? Absolute legend at the Legend Factory One of the old bodybuilders at the beach

Is that why he had to move for this new job? We've just got to be nearer to the beach An old Victorian strongman Is that his new job? Hub ho What's this? Hub ho Just saying what's this to a

bodybuilder I challenge you sir to a trial of strength um so um if it meant he would challenge them to arm wrestles he would if it meant he would challenge people to drink beer out of a shoe he would um if it meant he would show what a top bloke

he was by diving fully dressed into a hot tub naturally he would and what a top bloke he was by diving fully dressed into a hot tub, naturally he would and did do so. Ugh. Yuck. What does that prove? It's a pleasant temperature. That's the whole point of a hot tub. Is that brave? I guess it's brave because you have to get out and now you're cold. Oh, right. I see. The drop. Yeah, I get it. I get it.

Yeah. It is perhaps important to note at this point he brought his wife, who wanted no part in this. I can imagine. In part because she was a functioning adult who could behave in social occasions, but also because she was, like her husband, in her mid-forties,

and as such around a decade older than all of us. Oh, no. Yeah. Every new detail about this man just makes the whole thing more tragic. And I know this guy I don't know him in his 40s but I've seen this guy in his early 30s, mid 20s

you just want to grab him by the shoulders and say calm the hell down you're making this so much worse for yourself all you had to do was walk in here and say nothing and it would be better than this is now. You just had to come in and

say, oh, hello. Yeah, that's it. That's it. That's it. We're not on tour. This is a housewarming. As the night continued, Stevie reached a level of intoxication that would surely bring down a large land mammal, and was certainly too much to handle for a middle-aged man.

As the ball dropped for midnight, sadly so it appeared, did his stomach, and our protagonist stumbled his way to the upstairs bathroom. As the party was in full swing, few noticed his absence to start with, but as time went by questions started to be asked. Those questions were promptly

answered by an ear-piercing shriek. Whoa. From one of the female partygoers who had entered the bathroom. This is like a whodunit. Like a Poirot episode.

A poo-vomit. A poo-vomit. Like a Poirot episode. A poo vomit. A poo vomit. Walking into the bathroom at a house party. It looks like we've got a real poo vomit on our hands. So, an ear-piercing shriek from one of the female partygoers who had entered the bathroom that brought all the festivities to a close and a stampede to assist her ensued.

What met us when we entered the bathroom was the poor man, with his head in the toilet bowl, on his knees. But. But. Yeah. Splayed legs aside, presenting irrefutable

evidence that while vomiting, but perhaps post-passing out, his bowels had voided. No. So his pants around his ankles or something. His pants down with his head in the toilet. No, his jeans are up, right, and his head's in the toilet bowl. Yeah. And he's filled the bowl with sick,

passed out, and then just filled his pants. Oh. Stevie, no. No. We told you this would happen, Stevie. All he had to do was come in and say nothing. This murky effluence was unmistakably stained throughout his stonewashed denim jeans.

Oh, my God. And I like the sinister poetry of this line. And a pool of foulness had gathered around his knees. No. Oh, my God. sinister poetry of this line. And a pool of foulness had gathered around his knees. No! Oh my god, I've now got such a clear picture of the fluid dynamics of what's happened.

Of it just flowing out of his ass and then going down on the inside of his jeans and just pooling around his knees. God. Is it seeping out of the jeans? Is iting around his knees. God. Is it seeping out of the jeans? Is it all being kept inside, sloshing about? He says you can see the staining.

So there's staining and leaking. So he says, his long-suffering wife, again, I repeat, who none of us had ever met before, leapt to his aid. I still love him. I still love him. Stevie! Stevie!

Stevie! Slapping his face to regain his consciousness, she implored us to get him into the bath to clean him up. Some hardy souls took on this thankless task and deposited him like a shitty porpoise into the tub. Just hosing him down. I like the idea of her turning around and saying,

I need four able-bodied men. Like a whaler. Not all of you will survive. Yeah. Be prepared to say goodbye to some of your friends yeah regrettably this wretched man had not completed his process this wretched man oh no oh no as his wife began in full view of all of us uh removing every item of his ghastly clothing in order to wash it or burn it. He rolled onto his front.

Right? No. So I think he's nude at this point and he rolls onto his front. Just on the ground? No, he's in the bath. In the bath now, okay. Remember, she got the mortar gun and lifted him into the bath.

That's pretty impressive. Oh, I would not want to touch that guy. I'd make some excuse about not helping. No, that's callous wang time. Yeah, callous wang in full mode at that point. Callous wang would go downstairs and just have a quiet drink. That's right.

That's right. I'd stare out the window thinking about the chicken boxing story. Sipping my whiskey. Stare into the fireplace. So he rolls up, he's in the bath, he's nude because his wife has been de-clothing him.

You know, so well done her. Yeah. He rolled onto his front and presented us in his fully nude state to a fountain of brown. Right, so then it spouts out at this point. A spew of unholy liquid

turn arcing its way out of his buttocks. Oh my god, oh my god. What noises were people making at that point? Do you reckon anyone's laughing? Or was it just like, oh! Just yelling. Ah! It says, crescenting like a cursed rainbow

and now coming to rest on his now exposed back. Oh my God. Imagine, if you will, a totally stark and helpless man spray painting his own body in filth. Like a filthy whale. Is that Banksy? As his desperate wife attempts to help with an audience of agog strangers.

I've only just remembered this is a new house this is all happening in as well. Oh my god, yeah, and you'll never forget the visuals in your own bath. Oh god. Forever now. That's what you associate a bathroom with. Yeah, a diarrhea fountain. Um, now the next morning, it was clear he would be in no position

to drive home, and as we all woke, his wife sheepishly came down to apologize for last night's horrors, shamefully announcing that they'd got the urchin's elderly mother to agree to come and as we all woke, his wife sheepishly came down to apologise for last night's horrors, shamefully announcing that they'd got the urchin's elderly mother to agree to come and pick them up. The urchins? I guess he's the urchin. Right, right, right.

And take them home, and within moments, the octogenarian arrived to wish us a happy new year and apologise for her filthy boy. This man's in his forties. Mm-hmm. Oh, no. New Year and apologize for her filthy boy. This man's in his 40s. Oh no. Oh no.

We were sitting around assuring these women that these things happen and what's done is done. And with perhaps appropriately Jeremy Kyle playing to nobody in particular on the living room television. These things don't happen. That's the thing. Not usually. that's that's the thing not not usually yeah that's the thing um fountains of shit coming out of a grown man's ass and resting on his back

like a disgusting whale coming up for air yes that's not something that happens no not normally not normally at this moment Stevie bounded into the living room almost feeling light no doubt yeah kissed his mother and wife two separate people kissed his mother and wife and collected a carrier bag full of his soiled clothes from our host

wow with these in hand he turned to us and announced with derision and zero self-awareness that only dickheads watch that shite on tv and turned and left about jeremy kyle yeah you know what i have some respect for stevie now i think the main thing if you're going to be the guy who's like that obnoxious and big party time and wrestling and jumping into hot tubs with your clothes and whatever and throwing up like the only times i've ever seen that party persona work

is when you just like the person has like indomitable will yes and and eventually it's easier to find it fun than it is to not find it fun and one by one people break yes yes yes by sheer necessity eventually you have to go fine i guess he's fun yeah and what's interesting with stevie is that he's managed to retain that kind of power through mentality in the morning as a man in his mid-forties covered in his own shit who spray-painted diarrhea on his back and has to get his

80-something mother to pick him up and he's still doing it. And while receiving his own soiled clothes from the host whose party and home he's ruined. Yes, handing him a bag of his own clothes, saying you shat these

and your body. And then passing judgment on the TV that's on. Impressive. Really amazing. Calling everyone their dickheads, basically. He handed his own soiled pants and going, you're a bunch of dickheads. that show. He's handing his own soiled pants and going,

you're a bunch of dickheads. Have some self-respect. Come on, Mum, let's go. Come on, Mum, let's go wipe me down. Happy New Year! You're dickheads. You're a bunch of losers. Like he was a school bully in an American film.

See you later, losers! Him and his mum laughing as they drive away in the car, like the tyres screech know yeah yeah it's like a red convertible with a fire a fire detail along the side um tom ends up by saying uh turns out no matter how much shit has been evacuated from his body there's always a little shit in there. Lovely. Very good. Very good. What a story. What a guy. I wonder what Stevie's up to now. I wonder how he's taken lockdown. With grace, I imagine.

Well, you know, it's not the same if you have to stay in all the time and shit your own butt. That shows for dickheads. Alright guys, i'm off oh my gosh great story great story great story and and it's interesting isn't it how many like you know for every hundred stories of someone going to a bathroom at a party and doing something messy in there, you get one where it's just like that story.

That's what we're looking for. There's a twist. There's a new edge to it. A diarrhea fountain face down nude in the bath in front of everyone. I mean, come on. Yeah. Yeah, I've never heard of that before. That's the thing.

That's new to me. And just imagining the arc of this diarrhea, That's the thing. That's new to me. I'm just imagining the arc of this diarrhea, like, and the pressure. And it's so liquid that it just shoots out like a spout and comes to rest. I'm imagining like... It gets air. It gets air

like a skateboarder. I'm imagining it more getting like perhaps an inch or two of air like a kind of broken fountain rather like a water fountain you go yeah it's almost like bubbling up

oh god whereas obviously what I would like is for it to get so much air that he's shitting the back of his own head this incredible parabola. Wow, incredible story. What a poo. What a poo. Every time, you know,

every week I sit under this podcast and I think, I've heard all the poo stories and every week, I'm surprised. Every week I find out there's more out there. There's something out there that I've never heard of. It's like some sort of metaphor for human potential.

It really is. It really is. Whenever someone says, well, you've got to run out of poo stories, it's like they're the poo equivalent of those people who in the 90s were like, well, we've invented everything now. Yeah.

That's right. And you know what they say? Um, a poo story sufficiently incredible is indistinguishable from magic. Yes. Oh, fuck. speaking of which Valeria gets in touch.

Valeria? Mm. Wow. Nice of her to take time off of Battleship Galactica. Yes, that's right. She'll join us. So Valeria says, dear sir, poot and Tootsalot I like Tootsalot Yeah it's nice

That's cute Valeria says A few years back I travelled to Kenya to volunteer with an NGO Very nice Lovely Upon learning that women's smoking was very frowned upon by society I decided it was a good chance To quit my dirty dirty habit Upon learning that women's smoking was very frowned upon by society, I decided it was a good chance to quit my dirty, dirty habit.

Mm. Mm. Mm-hmm. This was until the night of the incident. Oh, no. I was in charge of arranging a weekend meeting trip for the team, but upon arrival, none of the rooms had been correctly booked, and the little addict inside me decided to have just one teeny tiny cigarette to nicotine away the stress.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I don't know if this is the case for everyone, but stress and cigarettes work like the perfect cocktail for immediate bowel release. It's true. It's true. Cigarette, coffee, stress, and pretty soon you're spouting a brown arc over your back in the bathtub. That's right. That's right. That's right.

A cigarette is just lighting the fuse on a poo bomb. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. After a few months of not smoking, the cocktail hit rapidly. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that'll go straight to your head, mind to your bum. I began to run. This was a very sparse land

with no real coverage for me to release the demon I had inside. It is across the plains, running. Is it a Serengeti in Kenya? Yes, she's in the Serengeti, yes. Great, so that's why she's

As you can see, she's looking for somewhere to shit. And a lioness gets her. We see Valeria sweating and running and clutching her bum but it's like one of those wide panning shots from the side like when it's an antelope yeah and there's a little dust cloud

coming off of her feet there might not be enough cover for this young female to do her business so where is she running at this point to i guess to the bathroom at this hotel well so um i think yes it's a weekend meeting trip so i think they they're in like a sort of rural like lodge in the serengeti so it is kind of just like in the bush you know yeah um so she's she. Yeah. So she's searching and searching. She's hunched over and

sweating, she says, like something out of Jurassic Park. I'm desperately searching. I somehow... Which bit of Jurassic Park is that? Park is that? When he's on the toilet? I guess that's right, yeah. Desperately searching. I somehow managed to get to the squat toilet and begin the exorcism.

Oof, a squat toilet. That's some developing world stuff. Yeah, or French petrol station. Oh, really? Sometimes, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I know. We had them at school in Malaysia

and all the shopping malls. Can you imagine going shopping and, oh, I need a shit. And you go and you squat. It's supposed to be better for you. It's definitely better for you, but it would feel strange to have done something so animalistic in between going to, like, getting yogurt, frozen yogurt from Pinkberry,

and buying a hat. Just going, wow, I can't believe this hat fits great. Excuse me. Like this hat fits great. Excuse me. Like this monstrous deed. Yeah. With like your whole ass pointing out. It's also, I mean, it's like being walked in on when you're sat down on the toilet with all your bits covered is bad enough. Being walked in on when you're squatting, splaying, presenting yourself

and pointing your anus almost towards the door a little bit when you're at full dangle full dangle full spread, whatever you've got going on down there I would rather open a toilet cubicle

door and be confronted with a gun open a toilet cubicle door and be confronted with a gun. So, she's in the squat toilet and she begins the exorcism. And she says, Looking down, I realized I had miscalculated where the hole was. Oh no.

Yeah. And I like this phrasing. My remains sit scattered on the concrete bathroom floor. Ah, the remains of the day. That's what the book was about. Oh no. Frazzled, I swiftly jump out to see what tools are available for me to clean this mess. All I could see was a rock.

Oh, no. And remember, this whole time her fingers smell of cigarettes. Yes. Yes. Ugh. So she only... Oh, she has a rock. I went back and with heavy shame used a large rock to try and scrape it into the hole

again I think I've heard every Pooh story and somehow somehow it's like I heard I read recently or heard or whatever that there are more games of chess than there are atoms in the observable universe because of how many permutations there are.

I think it's the same with poo stories. There are more poo stories than there are atoms in the observable universe. Because there's so much that can happen. Where you do it, what happens, where the poo goes, what you do about it, what you try and fix it with, what you try and clean your bum with, who catches you.

What have you been eating? What had you been eating? What was your mood? Did you fall into it? Did you not? There's so much that can happen. That's right. So much variation. There are more poo stories on Budpod than I dreamt of in your philosophy, Horatio. So, she's scraping poo into a hole with a rock. Of course, yes.

That's where we were. I ran out and flinged the rock away, and I returned it. And she just hears ow like a businessman getting rid of their phone in a heartwarming film because he wants to spend more time with his children yeah I flinged the rock away and I returned as if nothing had happened

but it turns out the facility only had the one toilet oh no and I returned as if nothing had happened, but it turns out the facility only had the one toilet. Oh, no. I spent the rest of the evening trying to keep a straight face as one by one, everyone discussed what the fuck had happened in the toilet. Oh, no. And she has to be like, huh? What happened?

What's this? That's the hardest, that's the toughest what's this of her life. What's this? that's the hardest that's the toughest what's this of her life what's this yeah it's just all over the place

brown disgusting smells a bit of cigarettes what's this what's this is this about what this is great

so everyone discussing what the fuck happened in the toilet later a very tall and majestic looking Maasai man told me he found a rock covered in shit by the crime it is a bad omen we must leave your people have brought nothing but misery to this land. I like the idea that he found the rock covered in shit the way

that like a tracker would. Yeah, well I imagine he's got pretty heightened senses, so he would have found that shit straight away. It would have been like something out of Sherlock. He just had his head, the second she threw it, his head just picked up, like, something isn't right.

Yeah, and he's like, well, yeah, I guess if you're used to the bush, the smell of human shit is so distinctive. That's right. So this very tall, majestic-looking Maasai man tells her this, like, confides in her, I found a rock covered in shit. Oh, this is just to her? Yeah. Okay. found a rock covered in shit oh this is just to her yeah okay she says i died a little inside and i have not smoked since quahari valeria what's quahari i think it's goodbye in uh in masai no in the the the trade language that they speak which isn't actually a native language, it's a trade language, and it's in all of Kenya and East Africa. Oh, like a lingua franca.

Swahili. Swahili. Did you know that Swahili is not like a native language? It isn't. Well, it's like its basis is, but it's so like mixed up that it is like a lingua franca for east africa yeah right interesting interesting and it's so it's so like um i mean i mean god that must like even even like it's essentially the way that english is treated in in southern africa pre-english apart from obviously mozambique and Angola, which is Portuguese. Mm-hmm, okay.

Are the Maasai the jumping guys? The Maasai are the BBC2 ident jumping men, yes. Yes, yes, yes, with the shields. With the long shields. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Mm-hmm. Oh, maybe that's what I'm thinking of. Sheng is a Swahili and English-based cant or mixed language or creole.

What, Sheng is the name of the language well swahili is a language and then shang is swahili and english mixed oh that must be interesting to hear i'd love to hear some shang shang on you shang on you for sitting on a rock and throwing it into the serengeti shang on you oh my god yeah one one drop toilet for a whole facility that seems not good enough given that it's a hole in the floor that's like last week when i said this is not good that's not good enough it seems not good enough yeah this is this is not good. That's not good enough. It seems not good enough. This is not good. What did you say that about? I can't remember

now. This is not good. It's about the friend in a group who is a liability and I just always wanted him to be in prison. This is not good. This is not good and I hope you get arrested. That would be a good t-shirt.

Just on the front, this is not good, and on the back, I hope you get arrested. That was my... Yeah, that was my attitude towards the entire Trump presidency. This is not good, and I hope you get arrested. Oh, my lord. Well, those are some high quality emails we got through some good ones there brilliant correspondence

good stuff everyone we're making our way through everyone in much of the world I hope you're enjoying lockdown everyone in New Zealand stay safe at that orgy with Steve

that's right look after Steve he's a fragile sort I wonder if it's the same Steve who shat himself in no that's too far no he wouldn't be able to do that much travel right now I don't think you want someone who's that

much of a chaotic shitter at an orgy. That's right. That's right. Too much can go wrong. Far too much can go wrong. Thank you so much for your brilliant correspondence, everyone. Thank you, guys. And have a lovely week.

Happy birthday to Pierre. Happy birthday to Phil. And soon Happy birthday to Pierre. Happy birthday to Phil, and soon birthday to me. Gosh, this is the last Bud Pod of your 20s. Oh my god, this is the last Bud Pod of my 20s, 99. Mmm, yeah. Wow, that Bud Pod should turn its centenary just as you turn your decade. Yes, that is weird, isn't it? Mmm. should turn its centenary just as you turn your decade yes that is weird isn't it any any any tips for my 30s phil you've had a year of them exact almost exactly a year of them it's mainly staying

at home your 30s i found weirdly i don't know what it is don't tell me how much staying at home and avoiding disease your 30s was but that's been the lion's share of the experience so far. You turn 30, you start wearing masks. You stop going out. They weren't kidding in your 30s. Wow, they really weren't kidding. Yeah, they always said in your 30s you won't see your friends as much.

And you know, they've been right. Jesus. You stop traveling. in your 30s you won't see your friends as much and you know they've been right Jesus you stop travelling you stop going out for dinner you stay at home you sleep a lot more you're worried your hands get all gnarled but yes you've got that look forward to

Pierre everyone else have a good time and we'll see you soon see you soon guys bye