BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E1 - Pierres Brosnan

Episode Date: June 11, 2025

Welcome to BudPod Season Two!Glenn's celebrity stress dream, offensive puns, childhood anxieties and of course, Tat Attack. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello again everyone, welcome to season two of Bud Pod. We had a classic 318 episode season one. This is the new season in our new studio, where Glenn and I will also be recording, not just Bud Pod, but a new podcast with Sarah Keyworth called Button Boys. Yeah, coming in a few weeks time, a video games podcast. A video games podcast called Button Boys. Me, Glenn, Sarah Keyorth, very, very focused on

video games. We'll save the red hot bants for Bud Pod. But yeah, it's going to be great and it's all going to be recorded here. So that's why you see it would, we did say to Phil, can we keep it just coming to your house and recording in your house? And he said, no. So, A lettuce? keep just coming to your house and recording in your house and he said no. So, um, Oh, let us. Oh, please. And some piggy pudding. A horrible idea just occurred to me. New Christmas Carols, like a satirical and it's like, Oh, we won't leave till we get a podcast. And then make it modern.

Did I, did I have a worst modernization idea I ever had? This is disgusting. It was a book called Wuthering Fucking Heights. And the idea was it was Wuthering Heights, word for word. But just with swearing, like Pride and Prejudice is zombies, but just a swearing. So it'd be sort of like she opened the cocking window and it was just exactly the same book out of copyright, but just swear words put in. And I think it would sell.

It would sell so many copies to the most boring people, you know. A billionaire. Picture that of a till at Waterstones. Like that, I do want to sell it. And I wouldn't have my name on it. Heathcliff, you cunt, where are you? It would hurt, it would hurt so much.

You'd be typing it like, oh boy. You try and get an AI to do it. You know when you hear people like really like people when they're writing their novel are sort of like, I was crying while typing it and you grow up. It's sad because of your imagination. You made up a friend who you made something bad happen to. You made that happen to them. It would hurt me viscerally like I was making myself disappear.

Do you know what I mean? Like if I was rewriting my own history Well, look I hope you all enjoy from now on it's season two and this is episode one of Bud Pod It's Bud Pod season two episode one Are we rhyming these yet? I don't know really. That's up to you I suppose. But I find it really funny the idea that obviously we had a traditional 319 episode, 318 episode series one. Yeah.

This is like if the news did series. Do you remember series nine of the news? All new lineup. Fiona's gone. New villains. Fiona's gone. New villains. What a twist. Yeah, it feels weird. I, it's, this is exciting. I'm, I'm going to start with an announcement. Okay.

I'm leaving Bud Pod. It's been a good run. Imagine if that's how we revealed it would be a different person each time from now on. In every episode. Some people last a few episodes, but generally it's usually one and done. They should do that with Have I Got News for You. As in the host gets executed after it. Clive Myhre's not been on it.

Yeah, he was taken out of the back and shot. Well, they shot him. They shot him. Yeah. If you watch Extended,, he was just taken out of the back and shot. Well, they shot him. They shot him. Yeah. If you watch Extended, you can hear the gunshot when the lights go down. Paul Merton shot him in a courtyard. In a courtyard. A snowy courtyard.

Yeah, but him and Ian Hislop, and they give him both guns and one of them's got blanks in. I was going to be good with those firing squads if they were like, they give everyone blanks so they don't know who the person is who killed the actual defendant, the combat. And the person who has the real gun, it's a very, very long bullet, like 11 feet long and it slowly leaves the gun and it's sharpened and it just slowly stabs the person. I think it might be me. I think I might be the guy.

Well, it's like ten firing squad of ten men, nine guns and one guy's just got a knife. It's just like, no, you have to run up and- Yeah, yeah, throw the knife. It could be any of you. You have to shiv him. We don't know why he's died, but you have to run up and stab him. We've run out of guns. I would, if I was ever faced with death in front of a firing squad, so if I've stolen a flag in North Korea or something like that, I don't know what would happen. But I think if it was like, if it is just the one shot and it wasn't to the head and you had just

enough time to, you had like five seconds of survival, I think you would point at the most meek looking soldier and go, just really Just really getting the head full eye contact. Choose one to live rent free in their head forever. Yeah. Yeah. No blindfold. Yeah. You take the blindfold off. Yeah. It came from over there. It was you, you did it.

Yeah. I felt it. I can feel the angle of wear. I suppose they don't do it with other forms of execution back in the day, like with Albert Pierpointpoint it was just a bunch of people with levers. You don't know which one's connected to the gallows. But with a hanging and gallows and trap doors, you'd have this kind of horrifying Takeshi's castle element where it's like, run through the doors, you don't know which one. Or maybe you just make it as part of a game show.

You've got a gallows. There's like 10 levers. One of them does hang the convict. Yeah. But the people pulling the levers don't even know that part. They just think it's to try and get like a kind of pigeon out of a box or something.

But that happened. So it happens anyway, but it's guilt-free because they don't even know. Didn't that happen in America, some electricity experiment? There were people who were told, oh, you get like 100 pounds every time you electrocute the person. And they weren't really doing it. The person was like screaming in pain and they were like, another hundred for me.

It was an actor, yeah. Yes, yeah. And they had to receive, they could choose the level of electric shock they received. It was one of those experiments that goes, oh, in the right context, everyone is a kind of horrible. Also, I think it was torture for the actor nonetheless, because he'd probably be like, can I just have a break for two? Can one of you stop pressing the button?

I can't... Because I've got to do the thing every time. I can't come up with new ways to be electrocuted. Yeah. Convincingly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also, it feels like a slightly... Part of the experiment is surely that

you're a 19-year-old college student, and you're thinking, what are the odds I'll be allowed to kill someone with electricity just down the road from my dorm room here at this university? Exactly. And also you go, electricity is either death or you're fine. I don't know if someone's been injured for work with electrocution, but occasionally still getting out. Like I think you're fine. Flashbacks. Yeah. I also

I think my attitude has always been and this is not a healthy attitude to have but it's that if I if I was given the option of like you can die to save the world then you go well yeah of course because I mean I die in both cases if I don't die then the world's going to end. That's true. Yeah. It's almost like you like, would you would you sacrifice yourself to save Spain? No. Yeah. No, I don't live there. I don't know.

I'm really, I'm really sorry. It only pops up sometimes. Yeah. It's my most selfish opinion that I'd be like, unless it's the place I'm currently in, then I'm really, I'm so sorry. My hands are tied. There's nothing I can do. I can't do it. Yeah. I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. I can't do it.

Yeah. I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. And everyone would know it was me. I'd be really, really hated. Then everyone would be like, well, normally we'd go on holiday to Spain. But Glenn, like the whole world anyway. Yeah. Thanks to certain individual. And sorry. He'd be so unpopular in England and Germany. Yeah.

I mean, like, probably quite welcomed in Portugal or something. Yeah, you'd be, they'd just say, well, obviously you're now the emperor of Portugal. Yeah. You've turned Portugal into a kind of island. Yeah, Portugal's now sailing away. In my head, the moment land is separated from other land, it just starts floating. There's no structural integrity on the water. It's like a pool toy.

Yeah. My dad, some of the stuff my parents told me in like good faith was worded so badly when I was growing up that it just led to just like awful imaginings that I had in terms of like my dad telling me, and it's such a pointless thing to tell a child anyway, that like the UK was part of France in terms of like, oh yeah, South Africa and South America and Africa, you can pretty much like place them together because you go, that's like one land mass. He told me that like, yeah, the UK was part of France and then just one day it sort of broke off. But he didn't specify that one day being millions upon millions of years ago. And because of an event, I sort of was like,

oh yeah, me and my cousin Claude one day were just, this huge fissure just opened up in the world and you just waved, you waved them off. And it just so happened the people in Berets were on one side and the Gammons were on the other side. And then we, I mean, it was just that forever. Just a complete coincidence. I thought that until like, I genuinely must have been like eight years old when I stopped

thinking that. Like really, like you go, I'm still young, but you go, that's still late. Yeah. And so, and then also you have that thing where you go, well, then Scotland, maybe it could just snap off. Yeah, exactly. It was that, will this happen at any point? My dad told me when I was watching one of those like sci-fi channel five documentaries

that are clearly not based in any reality that there was something on spontaneous human combustion and I asked what it meant and he went it's when you burst into flames and die at any time. It's like nine. Why would you tell me this? He worded it like that and it can happen to anyone Why would you tell me this? He worded it like that and it can happen to anyone at any time. And that's why we're watching this documentary about it. It's so real. It was also like a night time documentary so this was like an hour before bed. Yeah.

And then just each night I'd go to bed being like, it's tonight the night. It's tonight the night, just bursting flames tonight the night? I just burst into flames. Or if not me, mum. Anyone. Anyone at all. Friends from school. Yeah. It was just such a realistic possibility.

I read a damaging pamphlet as well. When I was a kid, I was really bored in like a doctor's waiting room. Oh, those were the worst. Yeah, because it had like a cartoon bear on the front. It was like, so that's the pamphlet I read. And it was about bowel cancer. And it said, it said, don't sit on your symptoms, which is just a little play on words.

But I was like, what the fuck are my symptoms? I thought I was like part of your bum. Months afterwards, I was sat on like the edge of every seat. I was not really being like, I think, but like the b of every seat. I was not really being like, I think, but like the bony bit of my ass, I think was like, in my head, I decided that was a symptom. I cannot sit on that. Those are the symptoms. Yes.

Because there's two. Yes. And you must not, I know they're part of your bum. You must never sit on them. As if we wouldn't have just evolved to have been like, we're just going to kneel as a species. Because apparently when you sit on your bum, you just die. You just die. And I think I maybe did it for a few weeks and then eventually just went, well, stage four it is. And just started sitting normally again.

Just gave up. Well, that's it. That's the end of my life. I had a good run. I just. I read, I read a pamphlet on how like testicular cancer affects like particularly like boys. Yeah, only the youngest of boys.

It's the youngest and I was just like, well I'll get that then. Had your balls even dropped? Were you like trying to fish your balls then? Just going, I know you're in there, come out with your hands up. I just had this irrational thing where you just go, well, I'll die of that then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever I've seen a pamphlet on. I'll die of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because why else would I be reading about it? Yeah. Doctor's waiting room pamphlets were the worst though, because it was such a fucking, that little thing where they've set up all the pamphlets might as well have just been labeled anxiety buffet. Yeah. You get all these lovely, delicious new anxieties.

Perhaps I'll be anxious about measles. Yeah, ones you didn't even know existed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, ones that you can't pronounce. Well, yeah, just like- And there's a, there's always come with a photo of like, a child and someone's like, a doctor's like measuring the child's nose. Yeah, they've got a thermometer in already. And there's some sort of test where you go, what is that?

Like the thing with the glass and the measles? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You put a glass on your arm. And you roll a glass over the red dots and if they don't disappear under the pressure there might be measles. But also I would make it so, like, the longer you do it, you can trick yourself into being like they're still there. Yeah, you go, I have measles, I'm gonna die.

Yeah, yeah. Not enough to go to the doctor, but I will die. But I'll sit in my room and look at my Lego and go, oh, death, death today. Yeah. I remember. What kind of child were we that we do that? I think a lot of kids do, but I don't think all kids do.

Not God-fearing, but death-fearing, just terrified of the idea of death and certain it was going to come. Mortality-fearing children. Yeah, yeah. Because I think as well, I was just like, you know, my parents made me read like tabloid newspapers from like such a young age. So I was still like at an age where I believed in there being like monsters under the bed

and also reading headlines of like sex monster abducts child. I mean like, so they're real. You were reading papers that create an excessive amount of fear and anxiety and experienced adults who've seen death. And you were just like, in your pink vulnerable mind, just putting six criminals and murderers and fucking. My parents brought me the sun every day. Isn't that insane? But it was because they were like,

it'd be good for you to know what's going on in the world. Because it's got a reading age of like six. Then it was like, I know, I just thought boobs were part of the news. Do you know what I mean? They were just so. She's go, well, there's been some tits in the news lately. I was just so dead into boobs when I was growing up because it was like, well, that's next to the politics page.

Page two is politics. And the lady with her boobs out has always been given a speech bubble saying something quite dull. Yeah, that was the news in briefs. That wasn't introduced until a fair few years later. Oh, OK. But the most quirky and interesting story of the day, the sort of story that the metro would lead on,

was always on page three next to it. So you'd look like a perv on the bus when you're just reading the most interesting story. So like, when you were a teenager at school, or like a teenager, I mean like 11 or 12, and like the other boys are starting to get like, there's a magazine with boobs in it. And you're like, what, like boobs like from the news?

Yeah, Loaded magazine looked like The Economist. I mean. like there's a magazine with boobs in one of you like, what like boobs like from the news? Yeah, loaded magazine looked like The Economist. Like, oh, it's another dry... That's a bit too high brow for me. On the cover they're covered. I mean, what kind of conservative magazine is this? Indonesia's at a crossroads. I was, because of that I was very aware of like soap stars and stuff like that. And I don't know if you would have been introduced to Daniela Westbrook at any point in your

life. No, you're my go-to. Like I ask you when I need to know something. What's going on in Corrie Glenn? Yeah, you go, please Glenn. I'm not allowed. Daniela Westbrook was in EastEnders for a very brief period in the 90s. And she really got into coke. So much so that this bit of her nose, the middle bit just fell out. The septum fell out. And her first thought, when she was clean for years after that, and she had it sort of reconstructed with like a bone from a heel or something. She said that genuinely

she was so like coke ridden that when that happened, her first thought was great, I can fit more in there. Like I can fit more coke in there. But I saw it as like, yeah, this bit of your nose can just fall out as opposed to the mountains of cocaine that would have taken seven year old me to ingest

for that to happen. To rot your nose off. Yeah, she's still the only person I've ever heard that happening to. And yet it happened when I was like seven years old. So I was like, could be one of... She was, she was one of the 10 people I'd ever heard of. So it was like, well, one in 10 of us, apparently. One in 10 people's nose falls out. Yeah. That's what you get in a pamphlet in the doctor's surgery. There's no solution.

It's just a warning. Yeah. One in 10 people's nose fall out. You could always burst into flame. Simultaneously. Don't sit down on your bum wrong or you'll die. What were you, did you have the same fears? I remember going through a spontaneous human combustion fear phase. Because I saw-

You need to protect kids from it. But I got it in, I got this book called, I don't even know what I'd call it. It wasn't a book. It was like You could buy these things and they came they were like little ring binders, right? So it was like you'd flip they had pages, but they were on like a ring binder not in a book I have no idea why okay, and they had additions and it was like spookiest things and like craziest ships or whatever They had editions and it was like, spookiest things and like craziest ships or whatever. Each little ring binder booklet was a different topic. Like a kid's quirky encyclopedia where you go, none of this is useful, but it's a bit sci-fi.

So like there was one that was like spooky, like spookiest tales. And it was like, it just scared the fuck out of me. It made me so frightened. But they were quite like ones, there were stories in there that are like classic horror stories or folktales. That's still free. Like when I think about them now, I go, God, that's horrible. I think you're going to be like clown statue in the. Clown statue wasn't in there, but clown statue is exactly the kind of thing. Some of them

there was just like an alien came and and you go, I don't care. Oh, like a yeti. But then some of them were like the bride in the attic. Bride, I don't know that one. It's like a new- Spook me, Pierre. Newlyweds. And on the night before the wedding,

the bride and her young siblings, whatever, play hide and seek. And it's all very funny. And they go to bed or something. And basically, the bride doesn't show up to the wedding. So everyone thinks that she's run run out on the groom and then blah, blah, blah. And whatever. It turns out like she went to go hide and hide and seek in the attic and got into a chest that locked as it shut on her. And they just find her

body like 40 years later. That happens to have a dad in gremlins. And that's basically the plot of the film, The Orphanage, the Guillermo del Toro film. So it's basically that sort of thing. Yeah, but it's like, it was, that it was... Needs revoke, crucially needs revoke for little kids. Neither of those, exactly. They're not for little kids. Also, I was at an age where I played hide and seek.

Yeah. So I was like, that's frightening in a practical level. It's frightening that there's now like a bride ghost, like haunting the attic, all sad because her husband thinks that she betrayed him and she didn't. It's also just sad. I think when you go like, ah, also, ugh, sad and frightening and mean. I did a module uni of like romantic literature, but one was for like romantic literature for children, as in not sexy romantic, as in like the period.

And they were all like cautionary tales for kids. And they were all so horrible and there were no lessons you could possibly learn. So it would be like two boys are playing with like a skipping rope and they're having fun with the skipping rope. And then a man comes running past and he trips over the skipping rope.

And they're like, oh my God, they go to help him. help him and he goes oh I've broken my leg I was trying to run to the nearest village to fetch the doctor because your dad is dying now and as a result he can't get to the doctor so the kids dad dies and then it goes the end so are you fucking happy you shitty little shit that might happen to you tomorrow so don't play don't play with that don't play yeah you got one't play. Yeah, what lesson? Don't play. What lesson could I possibly learn apart from don't play? Well like Strublpeter, Strublpeter, with his long fingers and hair.

Oh is he like a little... He wouldn't let his parents cut his hair off finger or toenails. And so he had these horrible long fingernails and toenails and hair. And then a witch got involved or something. Yeah. And so they cut off his fingers and toes and head with gardening shears. Which I guess just means like, let me cut your fucking fingernails. Yeah, because you go, is this what part of that is going to happen to me?

I don't know what lessons I can take from this. It's strange to me as well that you need to tell an elaborate story about skipping ropes or fingernails in an era when you could punch your kid in the face. You could just kill the kid. If you want them to do something you can beat them up. Beat the wicked child. With like a rod. Yeah.

And everyone will go, good, I was worried you wouldn't hit them with the rod. Enough today. Thank you for hitting the insolent boy. Thank you for disciplining the boy, the town boy. I wanted to ask you as well, because I've been laughing about it for like a week. I thought the listeners would enjoy your dream. Your dream you had. It's humiliating. But I know that like, dreams are never, obviously dreams are never interesting, but this was so, this was like one where I woke up like gasping for breath, like in terror. Yeah. Because I was at the Cat Last Festival in Kilkenny a couple of weeks ago.

I'd never been before. And the first gig you do, they basically, if you're one of the sort of Brits, they fly over, then they put you on a gig where it's mostly a Brit line up and the audience know this in advance. And it's all very welcoming and stuff like that. Like a showcase, like look who we've brought. Exactly, it's a showcase where there's a compare and all the acts are doing like, literally about seven minutes. You're not there for long at all.

And then after that, you're not necessarily, not thrown to the wolves as such, but it's like you'll be on a lineup with mostly Irish acts who the audience are going to really enjoy and if they hear your voice, they might not love you. And it's like, the thing is, it's like, that's not, it's not, it's not as binary as that. Like obviously like, hello. Yeah. Like what is this? Kill Kenny and lovely. And they're not, they're not going to hear it and like hear your voice, but I hate you immediately. But the gigs were sort of going fine. But I had a dream on the first night where someone came backstage and it was at the real gig that I'd just done that had gone nicely. The showcase. The showcase. So all the acts from the UK that you're friends with,

you're all milling around backstage saying we did it. Everyone had a nice time. I was on with Milo Edwards from Glue Factory, people like Amy Gledhill. It was just really, really good fun. And in the dream, this person came backstage, was helping run the show and went, guys, Pierce Brosnan was in. And we were going, what? Just couldn't believe it. And they went, and he wants to meet you all. And we were like, what?

I mean, with that, Pierce Brosnan like burst through the door. Like in a real like Jim Carrey sort of way. And he's, you're in mind, my bond. Yes, exactly. So it's huge. I remember getting into the secondary school I wanted to get into. And for day I got my like the 11 plus results. To celebrate we went to McDonald's in Valley Park in Croydon and then we went to watch

The World Is Not Enough. Which because I was like 11 years old was my first 12 in the cinema. Yeah, nice. And just that is one of the most memorable days of my life and that was my first Bond film. So as a result I'm one of the few people who thinks nice. And that is one of the most memorable days of my life. And that was my first Bond film. So as a result, I'm one of the few people he thinks, well, it's not enough, it's good. Because it was just the first instance of it.

Of course it was great. So he was just like, he's somebody who means a lot to me. And he just burst into the room like, hey, everyone. And it was like, oh my god. And he was like, you're all amazing. And we couldn't believe what we were seeing. And everyone lined up to talk to him. And he was sort of shaking everyone's hands. And we couldn't believe what we were seeing. And everyone lined up to talk to him. And he was shaking everyone's hands.

It was like lining up to meet the king. And then he sort of got to me and he had this big broad grin. And he put his hand on my shoulder and he had this big broad grin. And he said through gritted teeth so no one else could hear. So from an outsider's perspective, it looked like he was just going, you were great.

Just put his hand on my shoulder and went, I really didn't like you. And I just, I woke up like, oh, and I was nervous for the rest of the day. He said it was such a, oh man, I really didn't like you. I love the idea of a celebrity going down the line going like, so funny, well done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really didn't like you. Yeah, and to everyone else I saw the guy going, oh, Piers must have liked Glenn. He's like, he's smiling.

He's smiling. He grabbed his shoulder so hard. He must really like him. And to have had that impact on him in seven minutes of material. Yeah, for him to be sitting there boiling with rage. And really to me the idea that a celebrity would be like, well one of the acts made me boil with rage but I like the rest of them so I'll go meet them all and tell them all. I'll tell them all. This is the quickest way. I'll tell them all that. Yeah I couldn't just have one of my people let him know. I won't leave him out. I'll

tell him. I'll tell him. I have no choice but to be rude to him. I have no, my hands are tied. I find it weird when I have no choice but to be rude to him. I have no, my hands are tied. I find it weird when I find out in real life about celebrities going to watch comedy who aren't comedians. Who have you had like, have you had someone in your audience before you've, you had Banksy? No, no, no, no, no. That was the way he thought that was Garrett with the money. Oh yeah, sorry. Yeah. For the listener, there there was this someone went around the fringe one Yeah, giving putting like 2022 I think 2022 putting like Turkish lira in People's buckets with like a kind of weird signature on yeah

If I show was like a pay what you want you give money at the end and then but then like the bank The Turkish money says bank Banksy on it. Yeah, and it was like underlined Yeah, and so we were like, is this like a joke or like a Banksy? Yeah. Still, we don't know. But it happened to a few people. I think it was Frankie Boyle first. So it was like, it was verified. Like it was Banksy. Was it? Yeah. I never heard it was verified.

I heard it was verified because I think it was Christopher MacArthur Boyd, maybe, got one as well. And obviously he knows Frankie Boyle very well. And I think Frankie Boyle was like, maybe knows Banksy or something like that. Well, I got Turkish lira, but it wasn't drawn on. So you just go, what are the chances? It's like a weird Turkish man just came in. Yeah. Some when you're doing those sort of bucket shows, when the money people put in is some of the most offensive. It was usually like mums in their fifties who would come up and very like with a big grin and they'd really happily like show a penny to you and go, there you

go. And they put it in as if you go, thank you, I can buy nothing with this. Name a thing I can buy with that. The cost of the copper in the coin is worth more than the coin. If you gently pressed a petrol pump, you couldn't do one penny on it. You couldn't do that. The air from some petrol. Yeah.

Yeah, well, when people just dump a pocket trapnil in the bucket without looking at you, as if... Yeah, that'll do him. It makes me stones. Have you had like a big... Well, no, so I saw a clip online of someone a crowd a comedian doing crowd interaction in LA and it was um Zack Snyder

Yes, I saw that yeah You're Zack Snyder. Why are you watching comedy? Yeah? You have access to a different Echelon of yeah, you go to entertainment moon comedy. Yeah See jokes on then a moon base. Yeah, I'm like, if you're a billionaire, I find it so strange that there's no better fast food available to you. McDonald's doesn't have a special menu for you. The fact that Donald Trump is KFC every day, I'm like, he doesn't have access. That really is as good

as it gets chicken-wise. Yeah, and he has so many private chefs maybe trying to make him chicken. Saying, Mr. Trump, you don't have to leave. I'll make you some. And he's like, No, no, no. That's not what I wanted. I did I did a work in progress in Chiswick years ago. And Sophie Ellis Bexter was just in the audience mad. And I don't even know if the actor advertised. So she just gone to see just what was on. She she lives in Chiswick. She lives in Chiswick.

Yes, I used to date a girl who lived in Chiswick. It was like next door to Sophie Ellis. Chiswick's full of celebrities. That's why I was so annoyed to go out with a girl. I was like, who are you? Who are you? It was like a grandmother's house. For like generational money or something like that.

And I was like, I bet all the celebs in the area are so furious at like a 24 year old girl. Yeah, how dare you be here? But you just think, if you're Zack Snyder, it's like, but you're so connected and rich, you could be in the front row and then backstage at any of the best comedians on the planet's gigs. Yeah.

But then maybe it's that like, the king has a fancy where he puts on a disguise and goes to the tavern. Like the queen used to go out like sort of, fully like sort of shrouded up basically and she'd go around kidding homeless people. She used to put loads of paracetamol in a jar. Oh yeah. She put loads of paracetamol in a diet coke and give it to them.

Yeah the Queen used to do it. That's such a horrible detail. You know the Queen from the Queen's speech? Huh? She'd kill them. On the news, series 10, series from the start. She... Shrouded up like the angel of death. Yes, like full on like bits of duvet.

Like not, not clothing. Yeah, the Queen would cover herself with a duvet. Several duvets and shuffle around Windsor, handing the local homeless people a diet coke called a Parisis one. You know what, no homeless people in this, because she's, she was just on it. On it. Just with binoculars. That's why she had all those tallies on the side of her coffin, in that big coffin. It was like a fighter plane in World War II. Just little notches.

Mom is out hunting again. When will she be back? Oh, one never knows. One never knows for sure if she'll ever come back. Did you get many today, Liz? Four. I got seven. One never knows for sure if she'll ever come back. Did you get many today, Liz? What? Four? Four? Four?

I got seven! Take off your duvet, Mum. Never! No! We've just, we're not, we'll give it back, we've just got to wash it. Okay. We just have to dub her over on the speech. Like it was Gerry Adams.

Just to make her sound more regal because a natural speaking voice. Ah, it was Monty Python Monty Python woman. Yeah I'm going to try my best. Yeah, she had a slightly Gollum voice. Those who met her. That's why you know when she meets people, she goes down the line, but there's always someone with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're doing the voice.

They're translating for her. Or they're doing the voice. Yeah. Her lips go, mouth the phrase, have you come far? And they just ventriloquist, have you come far? Yeah, she's, yeah, she has like a personal sort of Han Solo who untubaccas her. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Of course they've. No, we're not getting in the four five. Of course they've come far. They're from Scotland. What were you talking about this the other day? Han Solo talks to Chewbacca in a way no one ever talks, because it's for the benefit of the audience.

Yeah, who aren't there. Yeah, because Chewbacca doesn't have subtitles. So everything Chewbacca says has to be translated through Han Solo. So he's like, no, we're not going to the ship. And if you're Chewbacca, you'd be like, why are you talking to me like that? Will you talking to me like that? Will you talk to me like I'm an idiot?

Yeah. Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot. Don't repeat my questions back to me. I'm a prince on my planet. Show me some fucking respect. Ha ha ha. Err. Like, you could fuck with him.

He could go, brr. And he'd go, we don't do that to children. Everyone else on the plane. Chewy. I'm not going to abduct a boy. And the chipmunk is going. And then we're going, he's getting angry. He really wants to abduct that boy.

He doesn't know. He's so upset he's not allowed to. Thank God Han Solo's here. Fuck man. So have you had a big celeb in an audience before? Not a non-comedy one, I don't think. Right, yeah. I don't think so. Although when I did Loose Ends, the poet laureate was in the studio audience.

Studio audience? Well, like the theatre audience. So not even like to be brought in? No, no, he was just there watching loose ends. Very Radio 4. Yeah, I guess that's another one. The king of poetry. I'll hear a shot, Anish Kuma had Gerald Butler in Edinburgh. Yes, yes, yes.

And Garrett, I think too. Or someone we also know. Yeah, last year. It was crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. But mine is still to this day just Sophie Ellis-Beckster and Jeremy Kyle. What?

And saw my shot live at Soho Theatre years ago and came up to me afterwards to be like, there's me. It was like, is that Jeremy? Yeah, there's Jeremy Kyle. Thanks for it. You're not going to bully me into killing myself, are you? Yeah. I know you, Jessa.

Leave it. You're not on the clock, are you? You cheeky little boy. All right, Glen, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm really excited. And how are you with tat? Do you have any tat? My parents have like world class, one world class bit of tat in their home. I remember this. They live, so I was brought up in Croydon. And then when I was like 18, they moved to this village called Hurst Pier Point, which

is near Brighton. And they, for some reason, in Brighton's neighbouring town, Hove, there's like a meme basically of Hove actually, because it's one letter away from love actually, but you go pronunciation wise they're completely different. Yeah, Loaf, Loaf actually. Yeah. Loaf actually. And my parents bought a sign that says Hurst actually, but it's in the keep calm and carry on format.

So there's a crossing of streams that's, there's levels of tact to this. I can't get my head round and I kept talking to him about it and they were going, cause I was like, I really don't like this. Cause it's at like the kitchen table and it's just in your, in your vision. And they were like, no, it's clever. It's like, you know, love actually Hearst actually. And I was like, but I could, I could just say pudding actually. I don't know what we're. You know, at uni when you had like the sabbatical elections for the sabbatical officers. Yeah. I remember someone was running for like activities officer at uni and his name was Ben.

And his whole campaign slogan was like, was called I Ben. And one of the girls who was like campaigning for him as a friend of Mine and I was like, can I just ask why it's I bet and she was like we were playing on the whole like Apple foot thing, you know sort of like so like iPod iPhone I Ben and I was like I Know but I came but I don't but but Ben doesn't sound like that So and she was like, no, but we're just playing on the whole Apple thing And I was like, but why are you playing on the Apple? Is he like an apple got What's he got? Exactly. What what you can't just say that's clever. Is the other person like Windows? Yeah. Is that the point here? It's like someone having a poster that says

like Dr. Strangelove or how I learned to stop worrying and sandwich the bomb and then there's a picture of a sandwich and I go I just think that's really clever. What the fuck are you talking about? The Godfather part bread. Yeah, from the bakery. Yeah. The bakery's called the Godfather. He's giving you an offer. You can't re-bread.

What? What? It's clever. Yeah, yeah. Because it's a reference. It's clever, because I don't understand it. And it's a reference. Yeah.

I know it's a reference. I don't quite get it. There must be, because it's clever. It's disgusting. It's so. No, I don't. I don't quite get it. There must be because it's clever. It's disgusting. No, I don't deal well with it. Yeah, sometimes I have a visceral reaction to it. Yeah, I think Hearst actually is really. It's awful.

But in the keep calm format with a crown on top. With the crown on top. And obviously, it's not enough words. So just Hearst actually. So difficult to understand. Well, this is also going to be pretty difficult to understand. But this is like a genre of tat that you and I would make up for a bit.

Is it the Godfather part bread? It's close. Right. This is from Lauren. Uh-huh. Hi, Lauren. She says, hi, Bud Pod. I previously got in touch with some Come Dine With Me tat,

which I was delighted to hear you read out during one of your live shows. I didn't think I'd find anything to trump that until this monstrosity of a website was brought to my attention. My husband was looking for a gift for his dad for Father's Day and being a veteran, so this guy's dad was in the military, his mum suggested something from this website. So it's military tat. So it's like t-shirts and things. Is it really like loving the veterans? Well it's British.

Oh, that's weird. This is British so it's not quite as going to be as like. Modern day veterans or like those ones where they just go everyone over 50 was in the Blitz. Everyone over 50 was in the Blitz, everyone over 55 was at D-Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coming out of those carriers. Yeah. Yeah, well. Yeah, when they're sort of like, Captain Tom stormed the beaches. They're slaughtering civilians in Burma. Well, not civilians. But yeah. So here's some military tat. Warning. I don't

know how to pronounce this word. I think it's mate low. How are we spelling it? Mate lot. Right. Emma Emma it. No mate is in friend and then lotters and loads. Right. I'm going to look it up. Matt low. Matt low. Matt low. So the tat is, warning grumpy old Matlow, supply with rum and cheesy hammy egg. Fucking hell. Cheesy hammy egg. Cheesy hammy egg. What is that? Was that a rations thing? That can't be a decision. So many of the t-shirts on this website are about cheesy hammy egg. That it has to be something that happens on a ship. That's got to be such specifics. Cheesy hammy egg. What a crapin' joke. But why not cheese an egg?

Why cheesy hammy? Royal Navy alcohol disposal team. Very good. Very good stuff. Oh, man. Supply with rum. The rum thing is still going, though. That's nice.

Why would you want to wear memories of your job? Do you know what I mean? Like I wouldn't want to wear a t-shirt with like memories of school. What a serious job. Comedian tat? I did have a Shay Diaz t-shirt the comedian from uh and just like that the sex and the sissy. That's so funny. And I lost it but I think also I think Katie my wife I think she got rid of it. Like I know she got rid it. Because I went through a phase of buying dreadful t-shirts that I'd wear with just like regular shorts to bed. And they were off. And it was sort of like, it was sort of like insane tat of just sort of like, if you get on the wrong side of me, I'm going to have to beat you at bowling. And it was like, guys, we're going

to bowling. Like, yeah, hell have no fury, like a bass player scorned. Like it was like, guys, we're going to bowling, like, yeah, hell have no theory, like a bass player scorned. Like it was just different hobbies. And I just had all these t-shirts and it was like, it is gaslighting, but I wore a different one to bed each night. Katie would go, what the hell is this? And I'd be like, I wore this yesterday. Like this is the same. I got about 10 of them for just this lockdown joke. But it was just for me. What was the Chez Diaz one? It was like a montage of Chez, it the sort of thing that like Tiger King would wear. Where it was like almost it was just like three images of Che Diaz like performing stand-up

comedy. So it faded in on each other. Yeah, kind of like a sort of quite stylistic almost Star Wars-esque poster. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Almost like painting style. Yeah, kind of. The way that in the Star Wars poster it's like Vader looking one way, Luke looking another, yeah. Almost like painting style. Yeah, kind of. The way that in the Star Wars poster, it's like Vader looking one way, Luke looking another, someone in the middle looking up. Yeah, but more of a tatty version of that.

So almost like how if someone printed their own T-shirt of like Cher. Yeah, and all that sort of like Wolf Moon joke. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For those of you who don't know, she's the standup comedian character from the new Sex and the City. And she has jokes like, the apartment was so big, I had to get an Uber

from one side of the living room to another. It's one of the funniest bad bits of stand-up I've ever seen in a TV show. The crowd lose their mind. They go, yeah, I am, uh, yeah, I had to get an Uber for my bathroom, and, uh, yeah, it was so expensive. You guys have been great. And it was like, oh, like, you ended on that? You ended on that?

That's a closer. They cut to the crowd, and the crowd are throwing up from laughter. The crowd scene, it looks like the level of ecstatic, almost panic of how much they're enjoying it. But you know sometimes you do see a trailer for a stand-up special on one of like the major streaming platforms and you go,

yeah this checks out actually. There is a market for this sort of thing. I remember watching a trailer for someone's big standup special and I don't know what streaming service it was on. But they were just sort of like, yeah I was walking around just looking really depressed and just walking down the streets looking like,

I don't know. I mean, it ended with that. And I was like, you, your trailer ended with you don't know. My big trailer ended with, I couldn't think of something to say. My life-changing stand-up comedy release trailer. Your big laugh is, I haven't, I've got nothing.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know That's how I'd end a stress dream Watching a trailer of yourself go I don't know and then cut to the Netflix logo speaking of getting stressed backstage I was doing a work in progress show downstairs at the King's Head last night Which is like the oldest comedy club in the UK, are we saying? Yes. Or longest running? Maybe longest running. And it's lovely and it's a lovely sort of like basement, looks

like the comedy cellar in New York, that sort of framing and it is a really, really lovely venue. But the guy who's been running it since the beginning, Peter, is really, really sweet. But I was in the green room with him before the show started. And I was really, really stressed out because I was just making big changes to my show and stuff. And he was like, look, I know you're stressed. And this is his way of reassuring me. And it was very kind.

I know you're stressed, but I know you care a lot about your shows. So all I will say is I tell you who else used to stand in that corner over there and get just as stressed as you before a show. Robin Williams. And I was like, the guy who went on to kill him. Do you know who else used to get incredibly stressed?

The following. It's like if you're feeling ill, you go, you know who else used to get sick? Alexander Lipton Yang guy. What? What is that? Who's the fucking chef guy who killed himself? Anthony Bourdain. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know who else used to get a little sad sometimes? Anthony Bourdain. Something to think about. And he was way more successful than you. And he did loads. And his life was about eating delicious food and traveling. And he would also get about this sad, I think.

So I guess watch out. Hang in there, buddy, for presumably the next day or two. Ha ha ha ha. That military tat is disgusting. See if you can guess this one. Time flies when you're having blank. Does it rhyme with fun or does it rhyme with any of the other words in the sentence? Uh, it, it does.

It's a half rhyme with the main. Oh, is it? It's time flies when you're having hammy eggy cheesy back or whatever it is. No, it's, it's the other thing the Navy likes. I don't know. Rum. Rum, Arthur. Time flies when you're having rum. Is that a modern day Navy thing? I thought it know. Rum. Rum, Arthur. Yeah, time flies when you're having rum. Is

that a modern day Navy thing? I thought it was just a pirate's thing. They do still have a tot of rum ration. And that's just a, that's like an affectation, isn't it? You go, but it's not what you choose. I don't know, really. Apparently grog was like water and rum, like just rum was sort of added to try and get all the diarrhea bugs out of the water. Oh, jeez. Someone told me years ago, grog now is literally just like any fruit juice if you're choosing with lime and rum. And that basically is just grog. Is it? So if you make grog with pineapple juice, which is like, if you made rum and pineapple

juice with some lime, which is delicious, then that's technically grog. But I'm like, it tastes too nice. I can't imagine a pirate having ever had it. It tastes too delicious. You can't call it grog. You can't call this grog. It's tasty. It has to be called sea breeze. Yeah, it has to be full of salt and it's going to make me feel ill. That's the point, right? Or it has to look like porridge. And somehow have rum in it.

Yeah. Yeah, you can't be like, ah, it's grog and then have this thing with like a little umbrella in and stuff. That's it. Yeah. It was very, it was very umbrella adjacent. It was very honey. It was a real honeymoon drink. Yeah. You can't, you can't have a pina colada, delicious creamy pineapple booze treat, and call it like splench or something, like scrunk.

We're like, no, that's not the right name. We need to name this again. Pina coladas are so humiliating to drink. They should order and to have in your hamburgers. They're so nice. It's because you go, could I have a pint of cream? Yeah, yeah, he's like, could I have a pint of cream? Yeah, yeah. Could I have a pint of cream please? And they go, sure. And you go, wait, can it taste

like pineapples? Cream that tastes like pineapples? Yeah, I'll do my best. Wait, can it also be alcoholic? Incredibly alcoholic. Yeah. And coconut. Fucking hell, man. Yeah. It's the most decadent drink. It should come with a baseball cap that's got a little helicopter rotor on it. It's such a childishly alcoholic drink. That's what Robin Williams would drink in Jack. Alcoholic Jack.

Can I have an alcoholic diabetic fucking gout Jack? Seven-year-olds, but looking 50 years old. Can I have a pint of cream? So decadent. So, okay, this is from Andrew. All right. Hello, boys. I came across this egregious piece of whack for tizing on the tube this week and I feel like it deserves your derision. I don't get it. I don't like it. And I want it out of my brain. Koji from Andrew. So yes, I don't like this. I don't like this at all. Have you seen this thing where it's like a water bottle that isn't flavored, but like

the lid stinks of fruit. So as you drink the water. That's the worst bit. Because that reminds me of when I've had things with taste. A thing that had taste and now it only has water in. Yeah. I ruined one of Katie's like, like coffee, like takeaway coffee mug things that she has that she takes to reusable. Yeah, reusable. Sorry. Because I had like a bunch of lem sip months previously. And we've just met, we've only just managed to get the lem sip out and it was ruining every coffee because it just had soaked in. It's like soaked into like the, the, yeah, the fibers and the cork or whatever. So just that what why would you want the lid to taste like this? Is it to

trick yourself into thinking you're having something other than water? Yes. And if so grow up. Yeah. Like grow up. Just have the fucking water. I've never understood not having water like. Just have it. I'm such a watery person. Well there's the versions of it where it's like, oh, we've you kind of trap a slice of lemon in a sort of magneto cage inside the water bottle. Have you seen those? No. Oh, and it just passes. It has to pass through. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So there'll be like a piece of fruit like trapped in a big water bottle. That's horrible. That's how like a fart works, isn't it? Like fart smell because they had to negotiate their way because a turd went, if you want to come out, you're going to go through me first. Like that's what the lemons do. That's like, it's horrible backhanded lemon. Backhanded lemon.

Yeah. So you want to hear the advert? Yeah. Tastes like a tiny passion fruit getting a face tattoo in a raccoon barbershop. I've seen this one. Yeah. I didn't, I saw it.

And then like averted my eyes as I would like someone with a knife walking through the tube carriage where you go, okay, just look down. Easy to look away. And it was so easy to just go, I don't like, you know that attitude people have towards like. Well, like if you saw someone breastfeeding a puppet, you just think, I don't get it, but that's fine. Are they, are they like manipulating the puppets backs of a mouth is going up and down?

That's horrible. That's horrible. Because the puppets then full of milk. Oh, it's not working. Oh, thank God. No, no, no. Oh, for a minute I thought it would be weird. But yeah, those like it tastes like a little hug from a raccoon getting a blowjob from

Peter Griffin. What? Stop talking to me! Stop calling my home! I hate that kind of thing. Over-familiar, cutesy. You can't just put individually cute things and just a bit of bit of just a bit of like oh isn't that quirky because you know it's been written by the most boring person you know the most

boring people I know who I went to say uni with went on to go into marketing and I remember how dull they were I remember one of them his LinkedIn about me said I like to do things I like to do and it was like you think that's clever, don't you? Come on. That's what a three-year-old says. Come on, mate. Yeah, yeah. Not this. No, don't do this.

Also, like, drinking water while smelling a fruit instead of eating the fruit. And it's like the kind of thing like you'd see in those cartoons where like one of like Donald Duck's starving to death. He's really hungry. Yeah, I saw like some video of some like momfluencer in like San Francisco who was eating lettuce but while sniffing a chocolate bar. Psychotic. Yeah, and you go, are you thick? Does that work for you?

Change the advert to, this will help you drink all the water you need to maintain your eating disorder because the lid smells like fruit. But the idea that that could trick you, is like you're not humiliated that you're tricked into that. About how much of your taste is smell. Kind of. I've told you about my dad before and the way he sets his watch. Well, let's save that for the Patreons. That's quite a good cliffhanger. Because I don't think you've told me this and I cannot begin to imagine how this will work.

So we're going to go to the VIP section now. Thank you very much for getting in touch and for downloading episode one of series of season two. Season two. Which one is the British one? Season? No, we do series. We say series. Yeah, but I think season is becoming the fashionable thing. Yeah, the Americans are winning. Let's say season. Season two, episode one of Bud Pod 2.0. But for the sake of it, it's Bud Pod. I don't want to keep saying 2.0. No, that's fine.

That's reasonable. And with the time I save, not saying 2.0 throughout the year, I'll gain enough time to say what I'm saying now, this here.