BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2e10 Fringepod 2 Chimpy Elliot

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

This week our buds join again from the Edinburgh Fringe! Glenn and Pierre breakdown the ripple effects of Oasis performing this past weekend, Glenn's ineffective inventions, the TRUTH about 'Chimpy Elliot' and some woeful toilet tat! KOJI !Pierre and Glenn are at the Edinburgh Fringe!Tickets below.Pierre - https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/pierre-novellie-you-sit-there-i-ll-stand-hereGlenn - https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/glenn-moore-please-sir-glenn-i-have-some-moore Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pot 10, double figures. With Pierre and Glenn. Bud Pot 10 with Pierre and Glenn. Very nice. We did it. Double figures, we did it. We did it, yeah. How have you been finding the fringe?

We're recording this in the interregnum between the three Oasis gigs. There's been two and there's an extra one tomorrow. Yes. Up in the Edinburgh Fringe. Yeah, we are doing this podcast live right now in front of a huge studio audience who are hating it. Yeah.

They're giving us nothing. Just bucket hats and nostalgia. It's going to right. To the point where this is going to sound arrogant, on Oasis's first night, I didn't know it was happening. It had no impact on my show whatsoever. Really? And then Saturday I was wary, but then it was fine.

And then the next one is when, sorry? Tomorrow. At the time of recording tomorrow, where I'm not here. I'm flying home after my show today. But have you noticed the OACs? I've noticed OACs. And also at the train, have you tried getting the train recently? Well, no.

Okay, well, I, my local station is called Brunstein, and it goes straight into Waverly. It's like one stop away. But when you're queuing up, this kind voice is sort of like, if you see anything suspicious, you know, obviously all the C, say it's sorted sort of stuff. And it's like our staff do not tolerate abuse. So don't look back in anger at any of our staff members. But all the stuff they're dealing with is physical and racial abuse and terrorism. But they're having to like make puns about it.

and stuff like that. Like, a bomb could demolish our wonder wall. It's something. Yeah, we don't have to do this. So maybe. Yeah, it goes on for ages as well. Report any fizzing packages, you see. If we catch you fucking in the bushes.

What? If you've never heard of Oasis before you go, what? You should go, why does it all sound like this? Why would you phrase things like this? I don't even know their back catalog that well. I only found out about the song, fucking in the bushes this week. Oh, right.

Okay. I was too young and foreign to have absorbed the blur versus Oasis. In many ways, that Tannoy is us getting, is us getting Billy Joel. You go, if anyone doesn't identify that, you go, you've been Oasis. You've been Oasis. Yeah. You've been Oasis by Rail Scotland. Again, every fucking year, even when Oasis aren't playing.

I've seen so many OACES walking around, bucket hat guys. I've seen lots of T-shirts, but I haven't seen anything, not to be judgment. I haven't seen anything tragic. No, no, no. I have seen some, like, incredible mod haircuts that are all... That's what I was looking for. Like the Paul Weller. I've seen loads of Paul Weller hair,

and most of the really, really, like, on point, Paul Weller hair I've seen, has been steel grey. Yeah, yeah. And it looks quite Lego manny as well. So when it's grey and it's... It's kind of painted on. Or it looks like a... Oh, but it's been clicked in like Lego, like a hat.

Yeah. Or like a... It looks almost like a knight's helm. Because it's grey. Like a helmet. It's because that haircut makes it look like you're standing under a waterfall.

Do you know what I mean? Like the hair is being pushed. It's being really pushed downwards. Yeah, that's right. I saw a racist in Heaton Park in 2009. So that was just what, just before they broke up. Yeah.

And seeing a lot of the weller haircuts back then looked depressing. And that was 16 years ago. Oh, man. So I can't imagine it's aged better. A lot of the, um, I saw Guns and Roses at Wembley Arena. and all the most violent or like,

or like shoulder shoving, like, what's your fucking guy, man? Yeah. Guys are all like in their 60s. Yeah, because this is their territory and children are here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're annoyed.

They're annoyed. Like, this isn't for you. You know about Welcome to the Jungle from San Andreas. How dare you? How dare you? But also, like, they're being Mardi and you just think, like, you have to take special bone pills now, don't you? You're old.

Yeah. Isn't it? Like, don't you feel like it's dangerous to start a fight with, like, a completely... How are you so furious at the songs play? I come here to listen to music. Yeah, how are you so angry at your favorite place? Your fucking birthday fantasy is happening.

It's all happening, man. It's fine. No, they were really, yeah. But like a young, what I mean is like these guys looked like, you know, your dad or whatever. Yadar, real, they were all very Yadar. But they were being like Mardi around like a strapping Mohawk face tattoo young man

who was having a nice time. Yeah. You think that's not. It's not the right way around. Yeah. It's not the right way around. Yeah. It's worth pointing out for anyone watching this right now. I am sweating buckets right. And I thought I should mention it to you. Because I ran here from the sea. I was going to... I was... I was... The train's got cancelled. Like a mermaid invasion? Yeah.

Sprinting up the... Yeah. You think mermaids would take just a... at least a few steps to adjust to walking. It's like full pell. Yeah, I like belted it three miles here. You had so much sweat on your t-shirt. I was going to ask, did you run in? And I thought, that's a rude question. It's a rude question, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, you were absolutely right. The train's got cancelled. Yeah, it's a train that go... The station that's nearest to me has one platform. Not two platforms, not like... No. There's no trains running either side. The train switch track depends...

It goes in? It just goes in. It goes out. And through... That's it. There's no... tidal trains. You just go on one.

side, but it's not the end of the line. It's, it makes no sense to me. That's mad. So that's why it's so eerie when suddenly out of nowhere, it's like, are you currently half the world a week? Stop it! That's creepy, yeah, it's really, really sinister. So you had to sprint in like Terminator 2, arms up?

Yeah, not blinking. Like, you know the guy who played the baddie in Terminator 2? Yeah. Like, taught himself to not blink when he fired the gun to make himself more terminatory. Oh, really? Yeah, but it's like, but what? What that means is when you know a fact like that, when you see the film, all you're looking at is his eyes being like, a day's fucking blink.

Dave, come on. You see his eyes closing together so slightly, he's really fighting it. Prove IMDB goofs wrong. Come on, come on, trivia. I can add to this to the trivia section. Anthony Hopkins taught himself to when he was being Hannibal Lecter. To eat human flesh. Several cameraman, the best boy.

He would only blink slowly like a lizard. So it made his blinking look like a disson. instead of a need. Oh, no. And it's really reptilian and horrible. That's an annoying fact, because what you've done there is you've made me now have to blink manually for a little while. And I'm going to have this until I feel, until I, until my mind goes on to a different

time. Until I forget. Until I forget. Like when someone, and you're going to hate you for this, anyone listening, when someone, when you think about the act of breathing and then suddenly you have to breathe, you have to like start manually breathing again. You're like, great, as if I didn't have enough on my plate. I had this automated, like in a city builder.

Yeah. You get the fact, that factory line was running now. Now I've got to go back to micromanaging. I've got to micromanage my lungs. Point and click. Yeah. Or if you say to someone, someone in the west, your tongue is on the roof of your mouth.

What? As you're resting watching something, your tongue is vacuum to the roof of your mouth. It's not resting in your jaw. Really? Yeah. Oh, I don't know that. I can't know because I can't relax

I'm too busy blinking and breathing But apparently that's not true if you speak Russian There's this down there in their jaw So that's there That's their that from Inglorious Bastards So I couldn't help and notice your tongue was really low down Your tongue down there

Comrade Couldn't up notice your relaxed tongue comrade Yeah exactly The comedian Chloe Pets We share a fringe venue this year She's straight after me She'd told me yesterday I haven't had the chance to look this up

that Anthony Hopkins' wife divorced him after he played Hannibal Lecter because she found him so creepy in it. Oh, I've heard something like that. I almost don't want to look it up. Such a funny thing to get the yick over. That you'd really, did really, really well as Hannibal Lecter. Yeah, yeah. That is weird.

Yeah. That's a very creative reason to divorce someone. I reckon it's the only time it's come up in a court of law unless you had some real Tim Robinson's guy who just wouldn't stop impersonating Han. Hannibal Lecter back home, and it was driving his family insane. Oh, I see, the first time it's come up specifically as the Hannibal Lecter thing.

Yeah. I thought you meant like, oh, it could have happened to Jack Nicholson after the shiny. No, no, no, no. The Hollywood. Specifically, a court order has had to write down the words Hannibal Lecter, is what I mean. Well, unless someone, yeah, keeps going. And what are we fucking doing? Clarice.

Like, while you're banging. That's, I, I. I've heard that or something like that, and I've heard Werner Herzog saying that when he played the horrible monster villain guy in the Jack Reacher film. Yeah. He makes the guy eat the finger and is all horrible. I don't remember that. I remember him being in it, because I remember being like, is that Werner Herzog the not actor acting in the film? Well, well, Glenn.

As someone who, for fun, listens to Werner Herzog's autobiography, I can tell you he did loads of acting, but almost entirely in, like, fucking baffling German films in the 70s and 80s. In the bit where he makes the guy, he says to the guy, I'll shoot you unless you bite off your finger for me because I had to bite off my fingers to stop myself dying from gangrene and the gulag. You go, a bit like the in-betweeners, he goes, it's not relevant, is it? He goes, beat reason.

He was saying, he's showing me how much you want to live. Oh, so he's like jigsaw. Kind of, yeah, in that moment. But he's really creepy and horrible in that film as that character. Enough that he said that people were like text, some family friends were like texting his wife saying,

this awful man, like saying, if you ever need somewhere to stay. Yeah, you fancy him. You fancy him. If you ever need to run away from this obvious psycho. Because as well, it must be really offensive. If you, I don't know if he directed Jack Reacher as well, but getting cast in that film, it must be really offensive if they're just sort of like, yeah, just be you, just be yourself.

He loves it. He says in his book, it's like, because of my demeanor. Like, he's fully self-away knows. And like, he does some really, like, it's interesting to hear him talk about the fact that he's like, people think my voice and accent is weird and interesting. which is why I get to narrate all my own films. I don't know. If I was insecure about that,

I would release a book saying how okay I was with it. Whereas in the mirror when I got home, I'd be like, they are all laughing at me. They all think I'm a fucking idiot, idiot, idiot. They think I have the voice of a creep. I used to sound like this when I was four years old and all of the children would make fun of me. Hey, who wants to go to the cinema later and have a party?

But he wouldn't say it like, that it's a who wants to go be temporarily distracted from the constant murder of life by attending a screening of the new film vendors feel it'll be some niche as we marked the sun going up and down 365 times in your life we ingested gelatin in celebration what's your um what's your least and best casting sort of thing do you think like when when someone says you'd be perfect for this and Sometimes you go, like, okay, here's the condition. It has to be accurate. Damn, that's a tricky one.

Because obviously if they go, oh, we'd like you to play like rotting, rotting 700 kilogram blob man. And you go, well, I'm not, I don't. I know there'll be prosthetics and stuff. It's not accurate. I've turned down one role before ever, but it was in a TV show I was already in where people were playing just multiple roles

and it was like creep too. And it was like, no, no. Why do they always go? No, it's like, yeah, there's not even a creep one. But I was like, they were like, you need to be like leering at someone through a shop window and you need to start like licking the window as if you're trying to get to them. And it was like no amount of money would make me want that on television. Like, I couldn't bring myself to do that in the mirror and private.

What possible pull a lot point? It was a comedy sketch. But I was like, even then there's certain things where you go, not worth it. It's just not worth it. Not worth it for people having that on hand as a GIF. Yeah. I don't know. Getting sent that as a reaction gif by your friends.

Like you send them a picture of some food you've made and they sent a back of a giff of you licking a window going I think Jacob and Lordy, the really hot Australian guy from Euphoria and Saltburn. Yes. He, I think he made everyone feel more reassured about castings and auditions when he played Elvis

because you go, he's really handsome and he got an audition through for Peter Farley who dies on the toilet. So it could happen to anyone. Some kind of hick paedophile. He's wide? I was, Elvis came on the radio yesterday. That was the most,

A paedophile has died on the toilet. He's wide. You're hearing it on the radio. When I was, Elvis came on the radio the other day and All Shook Up came on. Yeah. And I can't get over the lyric.

A friend say I'm acting wild as a bug. What do you mean? Wild as a bug? Like slowly crawling up a window. It's meaningless. Or just like going in rapid circles outside your own front door. Because he didn't even write his own song. So you go, someone had to write that for you?

That's one of those phrases from like the American South, which sounds good until you think about it for even a second. Well, you're wild as a bug. You know, that sounds good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you go, wait, hang on. But by that point, they've already charmed you with some other thing. You madder than a frog in a tinful of biscuits.

What I'm saying is you're perfectly normal. I believe you have a mental illness. Oh, okay. You have been diagnosed with frog in a tin of biscuits. guy who runs a psychiatric hospital that is a really down-home southern just to deliver all his diagnoses through sort of really elliptical southern metaphors

Yeah, Anthony Hopkins in the father being diagnosed As you, number than mad of them a bag of hammers Why, you forget your head if it won't screw down You have got diarrhea of the mind I thought verbal diarrhea was a disgusting phrase I have a joke about that in my show I, it's awful Like, because diarrhea doesn't mean anything else.

Do you know what I mean? It's not like, it's 11 different types of diarrhea and one of them is bum-related. Oh, yeah, diarrhea contains multitudes. These people actually have 11 words for diarrhea. Yeah. Like the Inuit and snow.

Because as well, verbal implies non-verbal, a bit like verbal and non-verbal reasoning test. So if you have to have regular diarrhea is non-verbal. Non-verbal. How did he do on your non-verbal diaries? I had a terrible case of non-verbal diarrhea. That's a really good joke. You could slide that into the show, maybe.

It's similar to the joke that's already in my show. You'll find out in a couple of days. I will. In terms of lyrics, I always think how ashamed to go back to Oasis, Noel Gallagher must have felt when writing She's Electric and be pouring over the lyrics for ages and eventually just be like, guys, I think we're just going to have to go with,

and on the palm of her hand is a blister, that's all I've got. Like, it's such a shit. I think Oasis is great. That's one of my favorite songs of theirs. That is one of the worst lyrics of all time. What is it even supposed to refer to? Just talking about someone and various aspects,

what's going on in her life. Oh, and on the palm of her hand is a blister. Rost her manual, she's a manual laborer. It just, it rhymes. It rhymes with someone else. Or a weightlifter. Yeah, she's Rosie the Riveter. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she's in that pose at all times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she was, like, like, the opposite of John McCain. She'd been taught she didn't Vietnam. She'd been forced to rivet so many, so many, you know, thunder cats together, like fighter planes.

For anyone not watching on YouTube, I'm just getting wetter. Yeah, it's fascinating, though. It's like dripping. I'm refusing to dry my face now. I'm like, just let it all out. It's like watching some... awful.

It's like if you could CGI out the rain and watching someone in the rain. I don't like the Jordan Peel get. Yeah. The water is just coming from somewhere. It's hard to tell.

I had did a self-tape the other day for a pissing man. Oh, what? Yeah, it's like a drunk man weeing on a bin. Okay. That was the self-tape. And so you just got this email through

from, it wasn't from your casting agent. It was an unknown email address. I said, this is it. To do it, we just need you pissing onto the lens. And if you just upload it here. It was weird. When I tried to read the email, the letters kept moving. They wouldn't stay in one place, and I would start to get this headache.

So I can't really tell you who it's from. And the longer I kept the window of the email open, the louder the whispering got. Until I shut the window and then it was quiet. So this is for Bergheim the musical. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. So what did you have to do in the audition? So it's a man pissing on a bin, and then one of the other main characters in Bergheim,

the musical comes out and says, You only put rubbish in a bin, and that's not rubbish to me. And that's a whole thing about how to waste to piss on a bin, and you should come inside and piss on everyone in there. Oh, so it is a sex thing? No. Trickaloo! Fuck!

A tricklewle fresh off the griddle. You burn your mouth on that trickleau. Burn the mouth on your fucking piss, mate. You've got so many infections. Fuck. Yeah. Was there even an audition for pissing man? Yeah.

Oh, no, that would be a... That would be too much of a trick-a-lou. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's too deep. No, it was a guy pissing on a bin, and then someone, like, shouted him and he says one line back. It's not...

Fine. And I just thought, you know what, fine. This is actually... This is worse than a scene... to self-tape in a psychological sense, because it's more demeaning, but it is faster. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This will literally take a minute because I will not put any effort into this. How are they determining who's the best at pissing? Do you know what I mean? Someone needs to be able to seem like they're pissing and do the line delivery while pissing enough, well enough that they think. That's our pisser.

Did you get the screaming right? The screaming? Yeah, while you pit. You scream while you bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I had to scream the line. It doesn't make sense otherwise. Why else would I be talking?

Does this count as a trick-a-lou, or is this just an irritating alloo? When I was doing my master's at uni, I had to sort of fund my way through it by working at like a silver service restaurant in Sheffield. I remember this. Yeah, Nick Clegg used to come in when he was Deputy Prime Minister because it was like his constituency. And we'd know if Nick Clegg was coming in because a few months in advance, someone would book for a table for one. And then about an hour later, someone would book for a table for one for the same night. And eventually, about 20 people would have booked for tables for one at this restaurant. and then eventually someone would book for a table for six,

and it was like, oh, it's going to be Nick Clegg. And all those other tables are going to be taken up with security people who were just sat there. But what it meant was, you had a table of, like, Nick Clegg and his friends or whatever, colleagues in the corner, and then the rest of it looked like a food A-level. All these massive, bald, shaven-headed men. How did you do on your Chateaubriot exam?

It was bananas. So it's Nick Clegg and his friends. and then 20 Agent 47s all having the same thing. Well done, 47. You ordered the macaroni cheese on the side. Use the fish knife, 47. It's rude to use a normal knife.

Is it a tricklew? Is that what I used to do, I don't know why I found this entertaining to do, but if someone ever ordered, like, I don't know, the fish and chips or something about where, like, it had an element, it was something I cared a lot about as a kid was the concept of a happy plate,

like when I was a toddler, of having removed every single item on the plate. Yes. have to have a fully clean plate. I didn't even like they're being left over sauce. A happy plate. That's a happy plate.

Okay. It is now a neutral plate that's real. You could put it back in the cupboard and no one more question it. It looks clean. Cleanzed. Exactly. So why I get frustrated when there's no option for a happy plate? Like, for instance, you're having monkfish or something of that where like the bones are there and you go,

but what am I meant to do with? I cannot have, you've denied me the opportunity to have a happy plate. You've denied me happiness. You've denied me happy place. And that's what you say to waiters, isn't it? You point at the skeleton and you say, you have denied me happiness today. But when other people had that,

and so on the corner would be like a little slice of lemon or whatever, when I'd collect their plates at the end, I'd point at the small, tiny thing they'd left as if they'd just done a food challenge and go, especially with guys who really tried to pride themselves on eating a lot of food. Like someone would order the two-person chat to be on for one. If there was just one bit of steak, bone on the side or a slice of lemon, I'd pointed it and go, ah, you were defeated.

And they would just, like, really, like, fucking short circuit. That's a trick-a-lou. That's great. That's really funny. Close. Never mind. I think that's a trick-a-lou. Because you don't mean it.

Only I gained from it. And other people really lost from it. Yeah, exactly. And also, it's not true. And that makes it more annoying. Whereas it is slightly annoying if they really was a piece of steak left. And they were like, oh, you got defeated. But then they'd have to at least go, ha-ha-ha, yeah.

Yeah, fuck you, yeah. Whereas you're making. something up. You're suggesting a reality in which they would have eaten the bone. Yeah. Which they should have done. Or a piece of lemon. I thought I invented something the other day. And I'm really glad I, it turned out to not be a good invention at all. It turned out to be one of the most flawed things I think I've ever conceived. Okay. I don't know if you have this sometimes where you like, you think you've come up with something really creative and then you realize just how long it's existed for. And at said Silver

Service Restaurant, Sheffield is built on like seven. heaven hills. And I used to have to go over basically two of the hills to get to the restaurant. And it was a nightmarish trek each time. And sometimes it would be raining, but it was baking hot. And I was like, oh, I've got a raincoat, but I feel stupid having the hood up, but not the coat on, just having it trailing behind me like a long cape. Yeah. I don't want to do that. Yeah, because it's too hard. Yeah. And then I kept thinking, I came up with what I thought was an amazing invention because I came up with something called the detachable hood. And then I realized the hat. That. That.

Right. And even post hat. The detachable hood. Also a thing. It was on the next coat I bought. But I really thought I'd invented it. If only I had something just from my head. I thought you were going to say you thought you'd invented the cloak.

No. No. Yeah. Like the most medieval invention. I still find the name cloak room so funny at a nightclub. Because if you did check in a cloak, they'd ask you to leave. Blin. Yeah. Yeah.

I hit the idea of shitting in a room full of cloaks. What? Oh, is it when they call it the cloak room? And you go, you mean the shitting box? Yeah, but there's no room that feels nice to do that in. I think when it's like... Even the bathroom, you go, oh, someone's run a nice bath with scented candles. You're going to need them.

God. I think the one type of room where it does feel like this is where this should happen is when you get those bathrooms that are like one piece of plastic. all the way, their entire room. You send in a hotel where they got that? No, what is it? If you're in a really budget hotel, the corner of the room, that is the loo,

is also, it's like the toilet and the shower, basically on top of each other. Yes. And it's a single piece of moulded plastic that's been, like, grouted into the corner. Right, okay. That's the bathroom, but it's not, it's a plastic pod. Yes.

And so you could, like, set off a kind of cleaning bomb in it. And it would just, like, it wouldn't damage anything it's not supposed to hit. Yeah, I imagine that's with train toilets when the door slides across, you go, you could have it fully decontaminated. But they've got those in New Yorker, like public loos. It's like a grill on the floor. And it's just like...

I'd love to be in one of those. It's like a dishwasher. Great. It'd be great to go for a really bad one. And then just be still inside. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Yeah, it's sort of like... No, no, you're meant to come out and you go, trust me on this. Trust me. It's better if we...

It's better. I'll dry in the sun. Yeah, I used to have a... because we had a bathroom. When I first moved to London, I lived in like a five-person house. It was me and four housemates. And we had an upstairs bathroom, which had like a bath, shower, sink, toilet, everything.

And then downstairs was just toilet. Like door, toilet, nothing else. And we called it Kafka's bathroom. And it was horrible because you go, it was awkward to go into because you go, well, when you go in, everyone knows what you're doing. When you go into a bathroom,

you could be having a bathroom. Hey, you could be washing your hands. In this, it was like, no, I'm going into this room. to be stationary like a sim, then when I leave, everyone knows what's happened. And let something happen. Is something happening in there?

Yep. Yes. I'm allowing it. You don't, you don't decide to go to the toilet. Not really. Not really, yeah. You allow your body to go to...

You allow your body. I'll allow it, like a judge. Yeah. But watch yourself. Yeah, to your own bumhole. More on toilets in a second. The thing I thought I invented. the other day was I was at the shopping center in town, the one that's, the multi-story,

fairly new one. It's only been around for a few years. And I got in the lift and I pressed the wrong floor. And I thought, ah, I wish you could double tap and undo the lift button. Yeah. I think that's a great invention. But then I realized how obnoxious it could be if you got into a lift and you go on floor 20 and someone comes in, they press floor 10 and you go, no, no, and you just double tap it. No, no, no, we go, no, we're going to 20. Nope. And just stand by the buttons. Yeah. No, no, that's okay. We're gonna, we're doing my one first.

I think you'll find we're going to the right top. You can walk if you want, but we are going up to 20. To be fair, if I got in a lift and I put in floor 20, someone came in, we're on floor zero. And they put in floor one, I'd go, no, you get the, take the fucking stairs. Yeah, when someone, come on. Any time in a lift and like an able-bodied person. Yes. Presses the one floor below you.

You're like, what are we fucking doing here? Come on, man. Come on, fall. The stairs are next to. It's quicker for you to fall. Just go over the balcony. Just let yourself go downstairs. Yeah.

Allow it. Allow it. I allow myself to fall downstairs. I accept the consequences of going downstairs this way. Have we discussed either on the couple of times I guessed it before season two? The book we pitched years ago. I don't think we have. Should we talk about it on the Patreon?

I think it's very Patreon Guys if you are not subscribed to the Patreon It's an extra episode a week It's good stuff We're also doing a thing where every month You also get an episode of George Of George Forreikas So you get a George pot

You get an extra episode a week And you will be able to hear Glenn and I discuss the book we pitched That is psychotic I think it's the funniest thing we've ever done Nothing we do will ever be funnier than the book and I genuinely wish I I want to commit time to doing all of the rest of the illustrations

because people I forgot how harrowing people find my drawings and it was a real pleasure to rediscover that Yeah, you have a very unique style and it's really horrible It's really horrible And I spend years at school Training that

And I'd forgotten And then the second I showed it to someone And they were like Harrowed by it As they were looking at it going Oh no, I had this moment of going Oh, yes. Was it treated of as much concern

as Haley Joel Osmond's drawings at the beginning of a sixth sense where it's just like a stabbing man and loads of... They go, well, I didn't even know we had that shade of black in the coloring pencils. You want to say,

whenever you see those drawings in a horror film that a kid has done, you want to go, okay, they're scribbling in crayon, but they're fucking good. Like, you're really... Yeah, yeah. Like, how did you know that that is what blood

looked like coming out of a... Yeah, well done. Coming out of a neck. Who told you this? Children don't normally know about murder like this. Let's do some correspondence. Let's do some correspondence.

Mail, letter, post, message, email, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, and randoms. Correspondence. Tats from R. I'm a travel writer. He says, well, first, I like this. Howdy PG tips.

Nice. I like that. He's calling us chimps. The last thing, those. chimps needed was to be force-fed milky caffeine drinks. You imagine. Hot tea. Hot, scolding each other with hot tea and shrieking as they hurled the bags around the enclosure. Being in like a 1980 suburban house like Billy Elliott.

No, son of mine's going to be a chimp on television. You'll be at the zoo. Like me and your father. And your father's father. How does it feel drinking tea with the other chimps? It feels like electricity passing through my body. Chimpy Elliot I would

pay so much money to watch Chimpy Elliott It's Tom Holland started on the West End version And a big monkey suit And Elton John did the music And here's If you see an interview

With the director of that one With Tom Holland They said Even though he was very young We knew he'd be a big star Because you know It's a big ask But within a week

The other chimps had accepted him as a chimp It's an incredible actor Day one he threw his own feces around and you can see the other chimps going okay he's one of us how do pg tips i'm a travel writer so i regularly encounter hotel tat that's a cool job oh yeah you and i live like travel writers but for some of the least traveled to two places in the uk yeah yeah and uh and then the places we then stay in but not worth writing about no no no no uh over the years i've grown

accustomed to hotel tat and even able to ignore it most of the time however on a recent visit to a hotel in Portugal. I won't be any more specific as the rest of the stay was actually very pleasant and I would like to remain anonymous for similar reasons. I encountered what might be the most asinine ridiculous four-word statement ever turned into a glowing neon sign. Hanging above the check-in desk at reception was this absolute monstrosity that made me laugh for about 45 minutes the first time I saw it.

So the sign says, everybody should like everybody. I've been a big picture of Hitler Just a gun Everyone should like everybody Yeah That is infuriating when people say things like Why don't we just All decide to love each other

Yeah have you met everyone Have you met everyone Take one bus Yeah Meet your next door neighbor They're awful Stand You know what

Go to one of the Takeaway Coffee places in Edinburgh while there's tourists around and see how well you react to watching someone this happened to me the other day not to know how Starbucks works fuck you gotta know

it was like an elderly Swedish couple all dressed in hiking gear and the guy went to the counter ordered you know whatever a cappuccino and then immediately walked to the corner of the table where you know they start delivering the coffee for Sandra and started looking at the ones there for his name

he just ordered it and I wanted to say to him opposite of Michael Keaton in the, in the McDonald's film, where he's in, like, disbelief that the burger arrives straight away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This can't be my tea. And I go, yeah, correct. We haven't started making it. That's that guy's tea over there. Yeah. That's genuinely, but he was looking like, looking like this. He picked mine up and I was like, that's mine. He's like, oh, sorry, sorry. You just think, do you think that a cappuccino can be teleported a meter to your right? Well, does he think it's like a shop where you go, or it's like Argos?

And you go, yes, and it's over there. They're all pre-made. Bizar. They also were standing like in the way of the queue, but just staring up at the board. Yes, yes. Like, ugh. And then like, people would stand next to them as if they were queuing and then after a while they'd go, no, no, you go.

As if they were just like, we're gonna need about an hour to figure out this whole ordering coffee thing. I get so envious when I see people who have never been in a building before. I just, I envy, I think, what a nice life. And always, like he said, with the hiking gear and stuff, you always go, but your life is better than everyone I know.

Yeah. So what, how's that happened? Is it because, like, are you, okay, I'll paint your hypothetical picture. Elderly Swedish couple in hiking gear, not knowing how to be in a building, the both of them focus so much on running an incredibly successful lumber business in like rural Sweden. Yeah. But they just made loads of money by being like people who just live in the woods. And there's no time to go to Stockholm and learn how to do anything because there's more trees to fell and lumber to sell.

And now. And you make your own coffee? And there, well, there is no coffee. boil up acorns and sip that or something. And then, like, they've made all this money. And they're, because they're woodsmen types. Yeah. Their holidays, like the highlands and summer just getting midgeted to death.

Maybe that's it. Do you like that? Would you like that lifestyle? No. But if I grew up in it, I wouldn't know any different. Would you like this lifestyle? Mm-hmm. Where you have access to all the money in the world.

Yeah. But when you burp, it doesn't, it doesn't make it, you can't control it. But your burps just come out. Yeah. You've no control over your burps. But it doesn't make a burp sound. What happens is you get up in people's faces and you go, burb. You say it like, really?

They have all the money in the world? Yeah, you say it like a really cheeky burb. But it is a burp. No, that's the sound. Okay, so I'm not actually burping. That is the burping. No, so, but I am burping. Yeah, but what happens is you just have to lean in close to the nearest person to you,

nearest stranger. Go, burp. Okay. What if I'm having dinner with five? friends. Is it the nearest friend? It's the nearest friend. Okay. Sorry, I refries that. It's the person you know the least. Here's, okay, here's how I would hack that. Yeah, yeah. Once I'd figure out the rules, I would hire someone to always be standing next to me, like a bodyguard. And you don't know them. And I don't, I never, and I never get to know them. Yeah. So I'll just say,

people would say, who's this? And they'd say, he's, he's my, my man, my employ. burp He comes home to his partner every night his partner's like, how's work? And he's like, fucking weird. He goes, the salary is incredible because he's got all the money in the world. I'm paying this guy like 80 grand.

Yeah, I've got skills. I've got... I just never have to employ them. I know karate. I can read maps. I think he thinks that's my name. Man. That's all he said to me was burp.

All he says is burp. And I'd lean in and go, yes. And then he wouldn't say anything else. And the second I try and say to him something about you or the kids, he just starts screaming and putting his fingers in his ears. And I was warned by his major domo that that's why the last guy got fired, because they got to know each other and ended up burping at Princess Anne. Because he technically knew her less than you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He flies in those sort of circles.

Yeah, that's how I would hack it. I'd have a sort of burp valve man. A burpman. Yeah. The burp confidant. I'd have a burpman. This is my burpman What's his name? I don't know. Burb.

Ingmar Burm. That's their name. This is Ingmar Burtman. Everybody should like everybody. Hate it. Disgusting. To put only four words together and manage to create such spectacular sentimental nonsense

is actually impressive. I love it and loathe it in equal measure. The fund didn't stop there, however, using one of the communal toilets, I was staggered to see what can best be described as a tap mental breakdown dourbed across the walls opposite the urinals. What's worse is that the urinals were the kind

that had mirrors above them. So while pissing, one could read the dread-filled paranoia painting over their own shoulder, making for a truly harrowing bathroom visit. So the painting is the phrase, it's all in your head over and over again, getting smaller and smaller. Why have we put that there?

Behind the urinals. So, like, as you're pissing, you can see it in the mirror behind you. And is it meant to be something about penis, like being shy when peeing? Do you reckon it's that? Like, so you know, sometimes they've got like... Maybe they mean piss.

You don't actually need to do this. You don't need to do this. Yeah, can you not? Maybe it's that. You know, sometimes you see a toilet and like above each urinal is like a woman, a bunch of women, like looking down, like making fun of your dick.

Yeah, and sometimes it's just pictures of them. Yeah. You mean the hallucinations, right? The visions I have. You draw them and yeah, yeah, yeah. For any women listening, this is a thing some hilarious toilets do have is above each urinal will be like a kind of

slightly burlesky cartoon sometimes. Sometimes it's a burlesky sort of cartoon of a woman and sometimes it's a photo. It's photos of women looking... It's as if they're standing behind the urinal looking at your pissing dick. Yeah, yeah, and they're making fun. They're looking down disapprovingly at your day.

They'll be like... I've seen one where it was like four urinals, and one where the lady is like shocked. Yeah. For good reasons or bad, who can say? Yeah. One where they've got like a magnifying glass. Yeah.

One where they're like taking a photo of it. Like it's all very funny. It's all very witty. Yeah, one was like a drenched, beaten up old man lying on his side. Begging you to stop. You've already taken my wallet. It's at most, you're right. Edinburgh Waverly Station, they've got some of them.

Yeah, the council commissioned it. I presume. It's like, it's like the fourth one along and the rest of women going, he-he-he-he. And the guy who's doing it after you, I remember you saying after the seventh or eighth time you visited in a day,

you noticed it was the guy who played Bankby. Oh, that's right. Yeah, it's Robert Carly. That's funny. Yeah. No, that's good. Because I welcome to Edinburgh. A call back to the city.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good. It must be a tourism thing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, very weird. But imagine being, there's a mirror, first of all, which is odd. Like you can look into your own face while you're... Yeah, like the gym.

And when you look over your own shoulder, there's a load of... It's all in your head over and over again. That's bizarre. Cafe tat is quite profound, I think, usually, when it's in that swirly, sort of neon signs. I really hate when you go to a cafe and I've got a sign that says, but first, coffee. And I'm like, if you do that, then over the toilet, you should then have to be like, and then.

Winking emoji. Yeah, they give you directions. And finally fuck off, like above the door. And finally wipe on the back of the toilet door. Finally. Finally. Would you feel bad if you, you know, and sometimes in restaurants, it would be like all employees must wash hands.

If it just said all employees must wipe bums. Yeah, that's worse than what I thought you were going to say, which was some employees must wash hands. John must wash his hands. Some employees must wash hands. Some employees must never wash hands. Good luck. Yeah, must white bombs would be awful.

Choose wisely. And then just scanning through the waiting stuff going... Which is it? I thought the wipe would be someone you'd get in like a nightclub toilet who sells lollipops. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. How far are we from that disturbing?

No flush, no brush. No wipe, no what? Yeah, he'd brush. He'd brush your bum. It's awful. Oh, God. What? It's a real abrasion there.

It's sort of industrial cleaning. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got, like, 20 to get through, yeah. It gives you a lollipot for your bum. Don't fucking out. Being a very brave boy. It's so funny that they sell lollipers. A fucking nightclub.

The place with the most elbows, but I want something protruding from my mouth. Oh, it's something that's made of functionally glass. Yeah, yeah. I've never understood. then. Yeah. What's that about? Yeah, lollipops an after shave. What a weird stocking filler of solace. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like... A pair of socks. I know what to get you for Christmas. That's what you could say. I've never... It's always slightly unsettling to see 30 bottles of cologne at once. Yeah, because it felt like you at the airport. Yeah.

They should also sell a massive bag of celebrations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a box, big bag. And a size of whiskey bottle that you didn't think could be sort of legally available outside running a kind of mad giant restaurant. Yeah, and regardless of where... It's a four-liter whiskey bottle. Regardless of where you are in the UK, sweets that come in the shape of a red bus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A tin bus, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A Buckingham Palace toffee tin. Yeah. As you fly out from Glasgow and you think... What are out. Can't be right. I did a reference once to someone having, it was either someone having like really tall hair or something like that.

And I was in a comedy club in like Northumberland. And I said like a Buckingham Palace Guard was the phrase I used. And this old guy, maybe it was North Yorkshire, this old guy just went, like we have round ear. That was his, that was sort of annoyed him. What, that you were like, I'm saying stuff. You know in London anymore, by. Well, I haven't heard.

of that. Well, exactly, I was like... Unless you were saying, like, we have around here, there is one guy who fled. He's, like, he basically... Went AWOL. Yeah, he went AWOL. So you think he's...

He resented that I was referencing that they're harboring a traitor. Yeah, exactly. But how, how, like, fucking Royston Vasey is that? Like, we have around here. Oh, sorry, do you not live in England? Or are you unaware of what England looks like and what the fucking capital of your...

country it looks like. Or do you not, have you never heard of this? Look, I live in London. We think they're mental as well. I don't like them. They're just guards. Yeah. Like, I know you know about them. You're fucking old. You're actually more likely to know about them. It'd be very funny if the king was being brutally slain in front of them, but they were like, not allowed to move. And not allowed to blake, they just have to look straight ahead. Like a fleeing kind of King Charles has to like tap them to kind of, like, wake them up almost.

Then they can like, they're like the chess pieces from Harry Potter. What's the elvish word for friend? That's the only way you can. Bella. Or they're like the green ghosts. You have to sort of bring them that sword and command them with it or... Yeah.

Until then they're in this awful flesh prison. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. They never leave their post. Immortal, but at what cost? If you're wondering why they stink of piss at all times... Yeah. It's because people go up and wee on them. They're not allowed to do it.

anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do like the videos of them losing their shit at some, like, idiot tourist who's come up to, like, try and touch their garden or something, because they don't think it's real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very satisfying. Oh, yeah, yeah. For them to suddenly... Do you wonder, do you're gonna just get sacked on the spot for that? You were meant to let them jack you off. I didn't want, I don't want them to. You're in the army. Yeah. This is part of it. We've decided. Um, right, well, that's all the time we have here at the fringe. Mm-hmm. We're now we're gonna go to the bonus pod, the Patreon, and discuss our book, proposal. Yeah. Also, thank you

everyone who's come to our respective shows. Yes. Lots of post-show cojis. Loads. We're very grateful for it. Loads of cojis. And a big thank you to anyone who listens all the way to the end. I think anyone, the trouble with kind of, and I'm guilty of this as well. If you

slightly switch off a bit during the promo bit stuff like now, there was a couple of people who cogied me on the way out. You didn't know they'd been a Budpod live. They'd missed out on it. So you miss out on great stuff if you don't listen to all the bump, I'm afraid. It's the price of efficiency. Yes.

But yes, lots of Koji's, lots of Budpod listeners, really, really great and lots of nice compliments about season two, series two, which is very welcome. Thank you very much. Now it's time to go to the VIP section of bonus pod. Koji. Beep.