BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2e13 Child Fm

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

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It's Bud Pod 13. 13. Free Tommy Robinson. That doesn't rhyme, is it? You're always trying to make that rhyme. Yeah. Yeah, we'll make it work. We can fix it in post, Felipe. He is free, isn't he?

Not within his heart. Not from hate. He's not free from hate. Free Tommy Robinson on the front of the t-shirt, on the back, from hate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not sorry. Sorry, from the spectre of his own hate for his soul. I don't like him.

I don't like him the way he is now. I would hope to like him later when he becomes nice. Yeah. The most confused sort of Christian forgiveness message possible. Yeah. I like his hair. Imagine that would be a really funny thing to do, just as a bit of a lot to just come in one day.

Because I think people would notice, did you take a picture of Stephen Yackley-Lennon into the barber? Because he's got such a lot. fucking like Simon from the in-betweeners gel down, then vertical quiff. It looks... I had hair like that in year six. I had the Tommy Robinson in year six. It's very...

The coolest kid in primary school hair. Yeah. And he's got the height to match. When I was a kid, like if I was a kid, if I'd gone to the barbers when I was like nine years old or whatever, and I'd seen a picture of Tommy Robinson in the front window, I'd have gone. Yeah, that. I want him to be nice. Yeah, yeah.

It's, do you think it's good in politics to have hair that is a bit like hair from a cartoon or a doll? I think it works for the far right Who was that That guy who then became Like tried to go into the priesthood That Calvin Oh

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Who had like big Just purely circular afro Yes yeah yeah yeah And that was very sort of recognised one I don't I mean I think he shaved it all off maybe A good silhouette Yeah

He shaved it off the way that like Pedro does In Napoleon Dynamite When he's like I got too hot I got too hot Calvin Robin That was it. Yeah, he had sort of, yeah, neat sort of afro circle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I kind of care is, it's such a superpower. Yeah, I mean, not for those guys. They can't hold down a job. And they keep ending up in prison. But they're very recognisable. They're very recognisable. Oh, yeah, that are fucking guess who characters. Yeah, so, I mean, has this man been rejected by the Catholic?

Yes, okay. Is it Calvin. Yeah, it's Calvin Robinson. But it's a superpower in our line of work. Yeah. There's that thing of like, oh, you can only be famous if you have a recognizable silhouette. Oh, I've never heard. Like Alfred Hitchcock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or even like. A wretched silhouette. That's a enormous baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much like a giant baby that keeps coming up with sinister plot twist. Yeah, yeah. I think it doesn't work for sort of, say, leading men, because then your silhouette is just handsome man head.

Yes. I'm trying to think of anyone whose silhouette I would fully be able to recognize. Edward Sizzarhands? The actor, yes. The actor, Edward Sizzarhands. Only one role that biopic he did of himself. I remember seeing a... Yeah, it's like when Howard Stern played himself in private parts.

I remember reading one of those like BuzzFeed clipbait articles like 10 years ago. And it was like actors you didn't know had killed people. And so it was like Matthew Perry. Obviously they led with Matthew Perry. But then beyond that, it was like, O.J. Simpson. And you go, yes. I think I heard something about that. Yeah.

And one of them was John Wilkes' both. Like the idea that anyone in the 21st century is going, honey, you know that actor we love? You know? It turns out he killed someone and not just anyone. You know, our favorite stage actor from 1850s theater. Yeah. He killed.

He killed the guy our second favorite actor, Daniel Day Lewis, played. It's all connected. It's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon. That's mad. You've got to retitle it, People Who Killed People Who You Didn't Know We're Actors. That's much more appropriate. Yeah.

I get very annoyed about articles where they don't do what they say they do. I think The Guardian can be particularly guilty in this. In those ones where they go, I haven't seen one of these for years. It's almost quite vice-like in quite a nice tame way. It was when they were trying to compete with the, bizarre to look back at it now incredible dominance of like cracked.com. Yes, exactly

that. And it would be like, I survived on Hule for one week. I had only Huel. And it gets like two days in and it goes, okay, I have to admit, I did snap and I got a salad. And you go, you shouldn't have been paid to do the article then. Yes, you failed. You failed. You didn't do the article. You didn't do it. You shouldn't

have published this. Yes. Yeah, I agree. Or they'll go like the 10 best Venezuelan films. And they're like, okay, it might not be Venezuela. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it was like the best episodes of Friends ever. And you go, okay, so the Seventh Seal isn't technically a Friends episode, this wonderful black and white betrayal of Chess with the Devil. But I think you'll find there's a lot of similarities.

It drives me up the fucking wall. There was someone, a friend of mine sent me an article the other day being sort of like, I tried to go, you know, like a week without my phone. And it was like, but I set myself a few parameters. I was still allowed to text. It was like, no, no, no, you didn't. You didn't. You didn't.

It was like, you used the phone for it. its original function. I went fully vegan except for lunch. Yeah. It's just dumb. In many ways, the article should have

just trailed off instantly. I went one week without my phone. I mean, it ends because they couldn't upload the article. That's how it should have gone. I was thinking the other day about

in terms of not being able to upload things or the realism of that. I don't know if you ever got given like creative writing assignments at school, but this is so misjudged like morally

and in terms of sensitivity, at school we had to make her own chapter of Anne Frank's diary Oh, come on. Did you have to do this? In upper sixth, did you have to do? No. It was like year four.

It was a year four or five. Even then it's like It's so mortgage. It's horrible. But it's such a well-meaning but ultimately bad way to do things. Surely. Everyone's entries

ended with oh my God, they're coming up the stairs, I can hear them. No. And then like a pencil scroll down the side of a page. Because that's how that... Yeah, because they've watched... Keep writing.

I haven't finished yet. Because they've watched it in a film. Yes. People are still writing until the last second. Because they've played like a Resident Evil game. Yeah, is it? It's the diary entry. I need brains.

You put pen to paper on that. They were a zombie and then they went back to the diary? Yes. My research. But first... It's always mad to me in horror films and video games and stuff like that where people are like, well, obviously, they came in, either the Nazis killed the people in the room or the zombies came in and killed the people in the room and one of them was writing this diary. But of course, at no point did anyone try to take or destroy the book on the desk? Yes.

Like that's immune. You can't touch that. Never touch it, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just mad that they think it would survive in like a resident evil situation, just these pristine diaries. Yeah, in the movies they should go, this shit's unreadable. This is more covered in blood than the people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I look down the camera and go, end of scene, I guess. Yeah, not this is.

Enjoy the popcorn. Yes. And the movie ends. Well, my most, we've spoken about my most unreasonable horror movie opinion. It is kind of restricted mostly to horror films. But when they decide to end, otherwise satisfying film on a cheap jump scare, to spook you into the credits. And the cheap jump scare is, the protagonist gets killed at the last second.

Yeah. This is such a childish opinion. I'm aware of this. I hate when the protagonist gets killed because they weren't the protagonist, were they? That is my most unreasonable opinion of, I want to say to the director, you showed me the wrong person, didn't you?

I'm afraid you've made a mistake. You should have showed me, I guess, the detective, actually. Those people who scream when they see the protagonist die, you should have showed me one of them because they outlasted the protagonist, didn't they? You showed me the wrong person, because you've wasted my time. You showed me a victim at the beginning of an episode of casualty.

Yes, yeah, that's true. It was doomed, yeah. Yeah, it's like a film where the very end of the film is the main character being born. Yes. You go, well, this is a prequel, isn't it? Revenge of the Sith. Revenge of the Sith, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. That's a good point as well.

Revenge of the Sith. You're just watching Bystanders the entire time. Yeah, I do find prequels quite unsatisfying by nature of that, especially if the stories then link up. If you go, this is that, and it all started here. Like, Rogue One I was fine with because I was like, here's the same story from a rationalesque different perspective. Fine. But when they sort of go, and now you can sit back and you can actually watch the

original one. Now, you're prepared. Yeah. You're fully equipped. Now you remember how when you first watched the original one, there were all these like gaps, deliberate gaps left by the clever people who wrote the story. And there were gaps into which you could pour your own imagination and love and interest and enthusiasm. Well, we filled them in with concrete. Yeah, yeah. We've got a big cement mixer out back. Just for you.

A big cement mixer labeled Questions on Reddit that we've just gone and just filled it up because people go, but why do the Jedi dress like that? Just because they fucking do, man. Yeah.

They do. They do. They do, because they do. Why, Darth Vader, he's got three buttons on his chest. What do they do? Nothing. It's not an action figure.

He doesn't know. Someone Buzz Lightyer finds out it's a sticker. Darth Vader should be so aware. You know what they are? They're a decoy. They're a decoy. So people try and smush them

so he gets turned off and then he killed. If your fan base gets too irritating, you should be allowed to do a very destructive protocol where you go, okay, when we're going to rewrite the ending of the whole thing, and we're going to change it. And so I think, like, I always, like, it was called like Apocalypse or something about, it was like Mel Gibson's film about sort of. The Mayan, I think. Yes, yeah, yeah. But I thought it would have been, because it's all set in a sort of jungle sort of atmosphere. It would have been so funny if it was like a real, like, yeah, this is all historically accurate.

It's all perfect. And at the last second, the hero sort of like saves the day or whatever they win, you know. And out of nowhere, just this crushing, they just get crushed underfoot by something. But the big Monty Python foot. No, not a Monty Python foot. An actual like, a Hunter Wellie. And it zooms out, and it's just in like someone's garden. It's like a family on a National Trust walk in like Gloucester.

And it zoos out, and the whole film had taken place on a leaf. Yeah, you fucking idiot for trick-a-lou. It was on a leaf. That's what it ends with. It was on a leaf. That's what it ends with. The screen goes black. It was on a leaf.

It was on a leaf. It was on a leaf should appear with that kind of suddenness of the day of the week and the shining. Bow. Yes. Like Tuesday. Yeah, it's the new. It was on a tree. Yeah, it's one of the big cliches.

It was all on a leaf is one of the big cliches. It was all on a leaf. It was all a dream. It was on a leaf. It was on a leaf. So many films have ended like that. The main character was in a... The usual suspects where Kevin Spacey starts to like start walk, you know, in a more sort of like, you know, he's a more able-body fashion and he gets in a car.

The car gets crushed underfoot and it turned out as a family in Alicante. He was on a leaf. He was on a big flip-flot. He was on a leaf. He was on a leaf. The main character was in a coma. That's the most irritating and pervasive fan theory that you'll see online. and also about songs.

The person's in a coma and it's all... A coma dream, yeah. I mean, how many films have actually ever done that? There was one... It's a film of John Cusack, Ray Lottor. It was a thing in soap operas for a bit. As an excuse so embarrassing to do like crazy storylines and then actually it was all the coma dream.

And you can backtrack and go, I was joking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was joking. Got you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got you. So, like, if they really needed to backtrack, brand becoming like king or whatever in Game of Thrones, they rewind it and it turns out, it was actually a dream in Desperate Housewives.

Even Angoria was dreaming all of that. And she woke up and she turned to Carlos and she said, I had the most curious dream. And they just get back to having big mugs of coffee on the veranda. It's like I'll have a few episodes, but it really trails up. She's sitting on the veranda just burbling on about Westeros. And his husband is just looking, her husband looking increasingly concerned. Yeah.

A dream that's really stayed with someone for a few days afterwards. Yeah. And also the level of detail and also the fact that it's like fantasy genre, you'd be like, really, you dreamt this? Yeah. And she's like, I think it was quite good. I like... I should write this down.

Yeah, but obviously because it's like 2004, you can't really Google it because where do you begin? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's the only thing I have about AI. The only thing AI has in its favor is sometimes you go, yeah, some stuff you ask AI, you go, I don't know how I would have found this out. I can't remember what I used to Google to get to this.

Yeah, you'd have to do a bit of legwork. You'd have to Google like an insane combination of stuff in quotes. Yeah. So instead of... I got AI to help me set up my fucking Wi-Fi extender because all the websites had like it was like a puzzle game where each website set up

by the people who manufactured the extender had a single piece of information you were doing this gate room yeah literally so I was just like this is so infuriating and like one of these applies but then on the other website these two things apply how do I so I just said to it

like how do I set up this model in this situation and it was all there but you're right before you'd have to Google TP link extender quote you can end quote 240 volt plug end quote Well we look back on that

The same way like Media journalists in the 70s Look back on the fact of like When you interviewed someone You used have to take the footage Look at the soundbars on the footage And you used to have to slice it with a knife And put it in

Before we had like audacity and Adobe audition It's going to be the same as like When you watch a movie where a guy is using a PC But it's maybe 1985 Yeah And he's like sure let me just sort that out for you slash print slash end game slash program starts and it's all green

and stuff you have to learn coding just to make it do things instead of clicking it's one of the weirdest things you see in sci-fi in the future I think is when like the computer just does a loading screen and you go we get rid of the bad bits you couldn't imagine a world without the bad bits you think that yeah but we kept so many of the bad bits

from her and so that was like one good fan theory I liked because the alien universe obviously is full of that kind of thing it's very very futuristic but for the 80s computers. Used future, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. You get dig it, dibidi, bidi, like with these old computers.

It feels like it is kind of a parallel universe where the world, these two universes, there's the one we live in and the one they live in, the world's got separated like in 1983. Yeah. And technology progressed with a focus on different things. Yes, but this person's theory was like, oh, when you see like flashbacks in some of the recent alien films

to like the weird, the weirder who's like turning himself into a replicant or whatever the Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy who owns the company and Yeah. And the much nicer technology of some of the research ships. Their argument was like, oh, but that's how it works in our world as well.

Like the computers on board, those big shipping container ships are old fashioned. Is that a class thing? Is it a class? But also just like they don't need to be nice. Yes. It's a shipping. Oh, it's like if you've ever worked at a company where they had an intranet or whatever. Yeah.

Yeah. And it looks like AOL 1991. So it's a combination of that phenomenon, but also them just going, oh, and it's like, no more money than needs to be spent is spent. So it's like the Soviet military. They could make it so that everyone has nice guns, but it's expensive so they don't, and fuck you. You wouldn't have seen this keyboard necessarily, but in the old Bauer Radio building, back in Golden Square, behind the back of Piccadilly Circus, we used to have this computer keyboard,

which if you needed to log in to the system to see what songs are playing next and if you want to go to the bathroom grab a coffee or whatever oh I can see we've got three minutes left of this song the way you had to log in and type of the login details was using a unique radio keyboard that looked like a regular keyboard

but it had a big red button that said like skip an enormous red button that said skip and it would like crash the entire system it would shut the entire thing down but the keyboard was done in such a way all the keys were slanted inwards like the red button was the sarlack in The Return of the Jedi

And whenever you pressed a button, your finger would slide towards it about how hard you tried. It was like, it was like, oh, for black hole keyboard. The black hole keyboard. It was so fucking scary. So hang on. They managed to make it destroy everything button. A destroy everything button in which all the other buttons were going, go on. But it's like the ring from all the ring. It's like, I'll just send this email.

Dear Sam. After all, why shouldn't I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Such a curious thing, isn't it? Oh, apparent, one big red bum. Glenn? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yeah. You haven't finished typing that email.

Whenever they catch me out, I just sort of burst into tears. What have I done? What have I done? I nearly stopped the stereophonics from here. It's Oasis summer. It's Oasis summer, and I nearly killed it. I nearly ruined the big weekend. No repeat guarantee.

I'm sorry, sorry. No repeat guarantee. I love the idea of a cursed amulet addicted radio DJ. I'd read a full seven series. What happened to him? How does this happen? He got sent it from a listener. Yeah.

I would read a seven-part graphic novel series about that. I would love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that kind of mixture of, you get it often with, oh, Alan Moore. Watchman Man. Yeah, Watchman Man. The Wizard, the Mage, Alan Moore. You get it quite a lot with his stuff,

a nice mixture of sort of completely banal late 20th century vibes, like a radio DJ with like spinning desks and stuff. And like the Eldridge Horrors of Lovecraftian mystery. I love it. It's a good combo. Yeah, I like it when there's one minor element that's just a bit insane.

I really like that film, Loper, but Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon-Levitt film, where it goes, okay, main insane thing. is time travel exists, but it is illegal. And it's restricted just as the black market. It's illegal. It's illegal. No one's really got access to it.

You can't go back in time and make it legal. But there's a little McGovern that's introduced earlier on, they were like, another thing about the future is about 1% of the population can make a coin levitate. Anything is like as light as a coin. They can levitate at about five centimetreve that's as far as it goes. And you go, great, pointless. Right. Pointless.

It comes about later, but you go, pointless. I love the idea of there's an evolutionary trait that we're just, Tate, like, if you could make yourself fly, but it just meant you could, you just got stuck in the air a bit. So it wouldn't even help a basketball player. I think I'd be quite, like that sort of thing, it's quite good fun. Like the, the old George Dawes song from Shooting Stars. Right, this is gonna, this is, um... You've never watched it.

This is sacrilegious. I've never seen Shooting Stars. So many major parts of British comedy I've never seen. You need to watch it. I've never seen Fry and Lorry. That's less crazy. What I've never seen? Because Shooting Stars is... I've never seen Red Dwarf?

That's a bit more crazy. But Shooting Stars, that came back. for a series in 2006. I'd no excuse. I'd no excuse. There's one of George Doors' songs, Matt Lucas's songs, is I can slightly fly. It's all about how he can fly, but only slightly. Great.

I can slightly fly. I can sort of, I can sort of sore. I can somewhat lift. I can barely glide. And it's amazing. Watch me zoom across a bit of the room. Watch me saw half a foot off the floor. I think it'd be an interesting.

it's useless because it would be like when you try and run in a dream. When you try and run away in a dream, you end up sort of floating backwards. Like you're on some sort of Takeshi's Castle thing where you've got like a harness around you and no matter how far you push yourself. Oh yeah, like a bungee thing. Exactly that, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How detailed are your dreams? Are you a detailed dreamsman? I write loads of my jokes in my dreams. Yeah. Which is the sort of, that is quite a kind of psychic power. Yeah, but it's more like, but it's more like because it's a mental idea and the visual image will make me laugh

if I wake up thinking about it. and I can then translate that. If I can then be like, oh, here is a weird behavior someone had. It's never like a well-constructed. Have you ever noticed this about that? It's never observational. But that usually, any visual image that is in my set is usually something that came about in a dream. Yeah, my dreams are very, very detailed.

Obviously, it's such bullshit when people say they don't dream because it's like you do it. Everyone does. It's just whether or not you remember it. But I think because I have quite disturbed sleep at the best of times, like it doesn't come from. a great place. Yeah, you must be very dream heavy because your, your schedule is the schedule of someone who lives on a space station. Where there isn't ever really a morning or a night.

Yeah, I'm like, I'm like Desmond and lost. It's like every 115 minutes, I have to get up and do something for a little while, and then I can go out to sleep again. So with lots of like napping or lots of like waking up at three in the morning, that's the problem with working in like breakfast radio for years means obviously every time you wake up, especially in the summer months, you wake up and it's already light outside because it's half 2 a.m. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then you go, oh, no. And then you check watching it. Okay, it's fine. But you go, I've already shaken myself. And you're going to woken myself up the most a possible. Which two o'clock is it? Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've made that mistake before. Oh my God. Awful. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they're really, really, very, very vivid.

In terms of dream jokes. Yeah. I remember watching your friend and mine, Ed Gamble. Yeah. Years ago as part of Peacock and Gamble at the French. Yeah, yeah. And he had a joke where it's like, some comedians come up with the jokes in their dreams.

And it was like, I've done that. I've got a dream. Come up with a joke in my dream. Oh, yeah, go on, do it then. And it goes, oh, fuck off, you big green fox. Get out of here, your big green fox. I hate you. Oh, I didn't work.

Whenever I try and think of a joke and a dream kind of thing, my first thought is big green fox every time. In your sleep, that's now invaded yourself. Oh, no, just in life. I had a dream so unfunny, it became like a, it became a way of describing a type of joke among friends. Oh. So, um, this happened in 2013. I, I was at the Edinburgh Fringe doing like, oh, me, Johnny Pelham and Matt Winning were doing, like, a triple bill in the evenings.

Late at night, like, half midnight, I was doing a mixed bill with Fern Brady every evening and two other comedians. And then also I was doing a sketch show, like half one in the morning. So I was only over 12 hours away from a show. Fucking hell. But I woke up one morning just like unable to breathe. Unable to breathe because I was laughing so hard. This isn't, I'm distancing myself from this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I disown this idea. Okay. But the idea was, it was like a business that was really in a very well-meaning way was like, isn't it annoying when, if you have a kid, at the time I was like 23? Yeah. But it was like, isn't it annoying if you're a parent and you've got like a nine-year-old kid or something

and you're walking them to school? But because your kids talking the whole time, you can't really have your headphones in because you look like a dick. And you want to listen to music. This product was called Child FM. And Child FM was a series of large speakers that were implanted under your child's skin up their arms. I looked like an octopus's suckers. And it would just blare out music. Like an obnoxious person with a stereo on the train.

And you'd hear it coming around the corner to be like, I think that sounds like Marine Vives moves like Jagger and it would come around the corner it would be just a mum holding a kid's hand and it would just be coming from this child where the skin would almost be vibrating and the kid wouldn't mind

the parent wouldn't mind. I couldn't breathe. I thought this was so funny and the worst thing is the first person I told found it equally funny and that then set me up for the rest of a day and for the rest of a day I was telling it to people

a bit like that Borat joke of there is a chair and the chair is what? It was like that. It was like everyone was just staring at me and I was like, and it's called Child FM. And it was like, what do you mean? Why wouldn't you just carry a boombox with you?

In my head, that was the joke. I was like, it was so impractical. I found it and so like well-meaning. And so amongst friends who, like a friend of mine who I was writing a kid's TV show with it a couple of years later, every time one of us pitched a joke that we insisted was hilarious. No other person didn't. The other person could deploy the,

that I think this is a child FM situation. And so if he is even now, we'll still be like, I think that's a child FM. I like it, but it's child FM. It's child FM. It's child FM. I also just found the name child FM. It's really funny, because it's not a radio station.

Or if it is, then who's choosing the music? Is it a Spotify playlist at best? Yeah, yeah, at best. The FM. FM, like you could get it in the car. Yeah, also, even if you did have a dedicated radio station for children, that's the worst possible fucking name for it. You're listening to Child FM.

Yeah. All children all the time. No repeat guarantee. Bih-Bah-Bah-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-N nursery rhyme. Heavy hit after heavy hit. Yeah, yeah, so like, and we're back in a few minutes. We're just going to get it latest. It's gone 11 o'clock.

Four children have died. How's traffic down at the skate park? Like all kind of all the usual news, but from a child's perspective. Yeah, and instead of the weather, they've just got like all the, all the latest kids' heights or whatever. And Becky at Fiver O' Green Terrace is now, she's 4 for 11. She's grown an inch overnight. The shipping forecast.

Exactly that, yes. Another dream I had was about venues doing measurements. What do you mean? Like it was the stock market. And we've got the latest measurements for you. And it was sort of like, well, the inch is very strong against a centimeter right now. So if you are wearing jeans, be warned, your trousers will be a lot larger this morning. But it's chart of M.

It's chart of M. Fathoms. I'm incredibly short at this time of year. But it was like imperial and metric were in this constant war. Right. Like the pound and the dollar. Exactly that. So yeah, you go sort of like, oh, the foot isn't doing particularly well against the meter. You're all technically four meters tall now.

Yeah, Celsius is doing really badly against Fahrenheit, so it's crashing. And that leads to just like their deaths. Because the actual temperature is crashing as well. That's exactly it, yeah, yeah. That's like a brass eye bit. It's fucking mad. I dream it when I was like 14

That's mad It was a really weird dream I don't even think I found it funny at the time You just woke up And thought another fucking Yeah I was like thank God

It's not one of those dreams Yeah yeah yeah It's still not ideal It's always embarrassing When you have a dream Where it's There's no subtlety to the message

That one A dream I had a few weeks ago I couldn't get to The Edinburgh Fringe on time Yeah It's so embarrassing You go Be as to be like

It's like a It's like a It's like you've come up of a pop song. I loved you and you hurt me. And you broke my heart. What could this be? It's so embarrassing. God, this art is so deep.

Yeah, yeah. I want my dreams to be like the shins. I want it to be almost indecipherable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And full of like references, clever references. Yeah, yeah, and you have to have known a singer to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wrote the fucking dream.

Why don't I know what it's about? I wrote the dream and the dream was, I've been on like a really, like, strict diet, and the dream was me eating a big pizza and going yum, yum, Yeah, you've had a Bugs Bunny dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had a dream of... And you work up when you were eating your pillow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had the dream of one of those men on the desert island in a comic strip. I just... Yeah, it was just like a ukulele gently strolling. Yeah, yeah. And then just a thought bubble with a big pizza. Yeah, yeah. And I'm trying to make a pizza out of coconuts.

Fuck's sake. It's so embarrassing. It's time for some correspondence, Glenn. So it's Trickaloo's and Tat from Frank. Great stuff. Dear boys. Yeah, I like that.

I like you, Frank. Thank you. I'm very much enjoying series two of Budpot. My only concern is how it affect my standing in the community. I enjoy an evening perambulate while listening to podcasts. Yes, he likes to have a little walk. Yeah, that's nice. Prandal perambulation.

I mean, I'm someone who it's on the way to do something. I wouldn't I don't think I really sit down for the evening like in the 1920s with a with a podcast Yeah, yeah but I know this is no judgment to people who do I for me it's like a transit thing It's like an activity to do on the way to something I do some cause what happens when you're making other plans as John Lennon said Today was sponsored by me undies There will be no promo any more Peace and love we are not doing the sponsored code if you enter the code Beatles 10 you will no longer get 10% off. No more Lisa mattresses.

Peace and love. They send them to me every week. Peace and love. Peace and love. Be no more beer 52. Beer 52. They don't let you go, do they? They do not let you go. It's like trying to leave Scientology. Yeah. But if a Scientology insisted, you can't just have lagers. I don't want banana stout anymore. Peace and love.

No more salted caramel stout. Peace and love. I want normal lager. Any sound you send me will be tossed Tost. Tost is such a horrible term as well Yeah Sending him this beautiful portrait and it's just Ringo fucking it into a skip Fuck it, I warned you, I said it'll be tossed.

No more ashes. However, some of the recent episodes have made me laugh out loud on my own And I'm worried that I'll be seen as a local weirdo Walking around town and Laughing to myself I have this, it's really, difficult. There's no way around it. Yeah. Yeah. It's like stifling a ya yawn. It makes your mouth go into just the wrong shape. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. People can tell something odd is happening. I do not want to become someone that parents warn their children about while I chuckle about Glenn's restaurant clearing flagelets, etc.

What you do is you hold a joker-esque card to people and say, sorry. Sorry. Excuse my laughing. I'm listening to Budaparte. That's great much. If someone could mock that up, that would be really. Please, please. Please forgive my strange laughing. I'm listening to Budpot. No greater compliment.

And you're just handing it out. Oh, okay, but my mom still gets a kid off the bus. Oh, the farts pot. No, no, no, not the fart pot. I would love that. Yes, that would be great. The recent discussion of trick-a-lose brought to mind some of my cheeky lies that I tried out on friends at university. I found that I could affect a deadpan look

and be taken as some kind of factual authority. One example was when a friend queried why scouses were called Liverpoolians. I immediately told her it's because when Liverpool was smaller, it was called liver puddle. Puddles are smaller than pools. So obviously that is correct.

That's good. Yeah. There's an internal logic. It checks out. But also like there's such. chaos in the UK with what you call places and the names. Yeah. There's so much room.

And usually the logic around it is like, is insane anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called Norwich because we used to, we're all in agreement. There's Norwich around here. He's not saying. We're not calling it that stupid, is it? It's except, but then you, one in three times, it's real. And you just have to go, oh, good, as opposed to just laughing in someone's face.

A similar discussion was had with a friend when I was discussing the new forest. I stated that bears were native to this region of Hampshire. When she asserted that grizzly bears would not live in England, I retorted to that, obviously not, brown bears, they're much smaller. Pointless lies, no one gains. Trick-a-lose for all. I couldn't tell you what size bears are, because I've never encountered one. Yeah.

You go, well, no, brown bears, they're much smaller. You have to go, I have no. Okay, you said that authoritatively, so, yeah. And so quickly. Yeah. Finally, please see attach some dictator tat. Dictator tat.

I saw on Wikipedia during a slow work day. It states that in this house, Trujillo is a national symbol. So Dominican Generalissimo. Right, okay. So in this house, we do hugs,

we do laugh at. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We do Generalissimo. It's like we salute Gerser Bolsonaro. Yeah, yeah. We salute Generalissimo Trujillo. In this

Hagar, Trujillo is symbol of national. Well, rectitude, libertad, Travajoy, Moralidad. 195, Anno del benefactor de la Patria, year of the benefactor of the country. So it's like a full on mad dictator fucking tat. It's twy and terrifying.

Yeah. And it's a terrible drawing of him, unless he did look like that. No, that looks like, um, let's see it again? It looks a bit... Courtroom sketch artist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not a national portrait. No, it shouldn't be. It looks like a stamp. In this house, we believe. in the great generalissimo. I think I'd have that in my home. I think that's so funny to have in your home. Dictator Tat is funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also for a country that, like, most people in Europe couldn't find on a map. But also if it was like, if it was like 15 down. So it was like, it's like in this house, we cast Expelliarmus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We delve too deep into the minds of Moria. We support Robert Mugabe. We vote Zarnu P.F.

What? Yeah. Who lives here? In this house, yeah, in this house we do hugs, we do forgiveness, we vote for Zanu P. Hell hath no fury like an idiomine scorned. What? Ooh, yeah. True, yeah. That was, he was frightening.

They go, yeah, I know, I just thought there should be a poster about it. He may be Hitler, yet he is mighty. What was the original of that? I was sure. She may be, but small though she may be, she is mighty or something like that. Nevertheless, Mugabe persisted. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Tat from Queron.

Quaron, okay, hello. He says, don't worry about the pronunciation. It's Welsh, and an explanation would take several paragraphs. Okay. I think it must be, no, not Queron. I'm misreading that. Q and on. Qanon.

Qanon and Shalis Theron. Queron. That's when you believe that Shalise Theron was like trafficking kids under a pizza restaurant. You're a queron. You're a crown supporter. I've just searched the name as it's spelled and followed by the word pronunciation and there are no results. Wow.

That can't be right. Something's gone wrong here. Here we go. Rate the difficulty of the pronunciation. Kron. Kron. Can I play that again. Keron.

Kron. Very funny when that's not even an AI voice. Someone's had to do it bespoke because they were so annoyed that no one was getting the name. Kron. It's Richard, actually. And everybody goes, Rebecca, Rebecca, Juan, Richard. Matthew, Matthew, Matthew, Sarah, if you give a shit. Well, she said it right.

Keron, I'm going to say Keron. That's going to be my take on this. to messrs moor and novelli Karen's calling us messrs yeah you'll be glad to know I saw both of you at the machinthlith comedy festival and cried laughing a bit hey nice we were both in the same school hall

weren't we yeah never been in there before on the venue I liked it I really liked it it was so much like the kind of school hall where you could film Matilda sort of a bit wooden with big long windows Yeah, I smashed a plate over a large boy's head, but that was thus far as a comparison. Well, I ate a big cake while a middle-aged woman screamed. But that was something backstage I do to relax.

Look at him! Eat it all! For your pleasure and or horror, please bear witness to the attached tat. The first, a monstrosity I saw squatting in the corner of a cafe in Darwin, Northern Australia. The second, a baffling instruction in a tourist, quote-unquote, diner in Colombia. and the third an unsettling marketing angle from what turned out to be an otherwise normal paper company. So, first of all, the Australian Cafe.

I hope that there are, so it's like a coffee, it's like a, you know when people write on a blackboard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of them. I hope that there are days when your coffee tastes like magic. What? There's not even a joke attached. No, your playlist makes you dance.

Strangers make you smile and the night sky touches your soul. I hope that there are days when you fall in love with being alive. That's got to be a lyric to a crap song. That has to be a lyric to a crap song. It can't be anything else. My coffee tastes like magic. Mad lips.

We don't know what magic tastes like, so how can you say that? But it's just... The Blackboard ones are usually the worst. I went through a phase, a fair bit of my camera, or when I say fair bit, I mean like 10 photos. Last time I went on tour. were of places, pizza places, quirky cafes,

where outside they had the same. Come in and try what one reviewer said on TripAdvisor was the worst slice of pizza they've ever had, the worst coffee they've ever had. We were just doing the same joke, are we? Yeah. I had about 10 of those.

I mean, I was like, what am I trying to compile here? I don't know what I'm trying to do. I'm not delete these. This is silly. I'm being me. I just, I don't understand why I can't get into the mindset

of someone who looks, up they're in this cafe they're having their their coffee they look up they see that sign they read it and they feel anything other than exhausted I don't think they're reading it though the eyes closed they're gonna take it in it's a bit like when like the those birthday cards where it's got a fucking message inside anyway which I hate yeah but it's always like know that today is special to us because you were the most special of them all whatever you go well I wouldn't have written that It looks like that.

Yeah, now I've got to write happy birthday or do I write happy above it and then birthday below it? What do I like, I hate all this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just don't think people like, for instance, my, I do think my parents would necessarily engage in the wording of that. They go, pleasant key words and that's nice enough. An example I've always taken is, one of the first times Katie came over to like meet them over the fireplace in the living room. It's this enormous, like, painting they've got. It's really, really lovely.

And there's other sort of piazza and somewhere in the Mediterranean. And it's gorgeous. And Katie sort of went, oh, where was that? Where did you go? And my parents were like, I don't know. I saw it in a shop.

Like, they just thought it looked nice. Yeah, it looked nice. Nice big painting. But they've also got images of places that they've been to. Right, so it's a mixture. But on this occasion,

it was like, that looked nice. I don't think it is of a place. But it was like, okay. Sort of fictional reality. Yeah. The kind of nowhere Italian location you see on a wall of a restaurant.

Kind of, yeah. They just sort of go, Italy. Because I don't think they're reliant on it being like, this must be somewhere I've visited. I think you're right on the keywords thing. I think people's eyes just skip over most words and they just see, magic darn smile, tie, it's got to touch sky. Yeah.

Nice, nice, nice. It's like those social experiments where it's like where the individual two letters of every single word are switched around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like 90% of people can still read this. Yeah. The creepy paper company, it's called Conqueror. What? Right.

So it's called Conqueror and there's a big sword next to it. Right. And it says A4 paper 500 sheet for laser and inkjet. And the motto is, it says who you are. Oh, man. It says who you are. Blank paper. My paper?

Yeah. Oh, it says who you are. This is what I think of you. You see all these blank sheets. Yeah. That's more of an insult than the All World Work and No Playmates Jackad Boy in the Shining, isn't it? You just go, this is you. And nothing.

We blank sheets of paper. That's what I think of you were less than nothing. Or just holding a piece of paper. You were Parmesan shavings of a tree. Looking at a black piece of paper going, it says here who you are. Oh dear. Oh, dear.

Oh, yeah, we wrote about your entire personality. They listed everything good about you. Oh. Oh, look at that. Look at that. Have you seen that? Oh, thanks conqueror. Conqueror paper.

And the Colombian diner sign just says, it says brunch diner, and then above it in English, like the motto. It says, forget love, fall in coffee. It feels like a Willy Wonka child. A scolding that. Or even if they got Augustus Gloop out of the coffee thing

and it's like, oh, Mr. Wonka, feel my little boy be okay? Of course he'll be fine. He'll be incredibly anxious and shitty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, he wouldn't fall into like liquid coffee. You'd fall into a big vat of beans like in the end of a quiet place or in the grain store.

but yeah just there's a river it's made of coffee yeah I have to is there a bathroom yeah

what an awful tour that would be you can even eat the dishes sorry is there a bathroom it's so dry yeah

is there anything else to drink just scolding hot that coffee when you flush the louis just coffee boiling coffee comes out you run

you just want you just get some water you run your head under a tap and it's just more cappuccino comes out yeah is there anything else i'm not sure we have boiling hot milk it's like napalm because it's full fat milk yeah no never mind it's most unfulfulfills they're all having stomach cramps oh little um espresso cups coming off a tree yeah is it coffee again it's because he found it's because he found it's because he found it's a

He found a gold sheet in his loo roll And that's why he won the tour of the factory I found a prize while shitting His grandparents are sat on two toilets opposite The other grandparents always sat on two other toilets They're all sat on one big toilet It have been for years I am one of the most unfulfilling

In terms of like coffee not quenching your thirst One of the most unfulfilling things I've ever been offered ever is myself and the comedian, Sean McLaughlin, were rushing to a gig somewhere sat between London and Brighton and I cannot remember where. And it was somewhere a bit like Guilfordy and like nice sort of pleasant town. And it was a Christmas gig.

I remember James Gill, who hosts Always Be Comedy, the excellent comedy club. He was host in the night. And we rushed there, and me and Sean from a station, and I was absolutely dying of thirst. Absolutely, we ran for about a mile, and we were like absolutely from a train. coat and jeans

arrived dying of thirst into his green room and I was like is there a sink or anything is there a glass of water I can get and one of the people helping run the gig

was like ah she was like well the audience sort of filing in through the bar so you can't really go to the bar area

there's no bathroom backstage and I was like I'm so thirsty I was just wondering if there's any just liquid I can have

I'm so thirsty and she went um I've got mince pie as if like that sort of it was a bit of moisture around the mince

to me Like, you can hydrate the way desert cats do. Like, they don't actually need to drink water. It's just they get their water from... It will come eventually. Will they get the liquid from within the meat of the rodents they eat and stuff? Yeah, exactly. That's where you get everything you need.

But the idea of like, I already couldn't swallow. The idea of like the crust of it. Chalky pastry. And then just desperately going, trying to suck the moisture out of already dried fruit. Yeah. Yeah, mummified, mummified saltadas. Just sitting in 40 degrees in the desert with just a lot of mince pies like that bit in James Bond where they send him into the desert with oil. Oh, if I'd been that guy by the way, I'd have drunk the oil immediately.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm thirsty. I'm drinking. Yeah, I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty. Just someone on a treadmill running, like doing training for a marathon, just smashing mince pies into their mouth. Awful. For hydration. It made me so stressed to think about the idea of putting that in my mouth and finish.

I'd have rather had the fucking tin. Yeah. You could have wept into the tin and drunk that. Yeah. That's such, I'm useless, but I feel like it's polite to say things kind of helping, isn't it? It was really well meaning. Yeah, kind of. I'd rather crash through the audience and run to the bar and put my head under the, like, the soda gun.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Desperate Dan. Yeah. Because this is ridiculous. I've got a mince pie. Oh, better. Oh.

Oh, thank God. I didn't want to say. Thank God. I was just going to say water because I thought that was a cheap option. I didn't know you got the better version. Yeah, yeah. It's like when a bar says, like you say, can I have a Diet Coke? And I go, I'm really sorry, when you go, better.

That's great. You go better. Yeah, sorry, yes. This is, we're not. Ford. I can't think of any other comedians who prefer Pepsi Max, but I really do. You love Pepsi Max to a level that you're who I think about when I see Pepsi Max. Oh, great.

I go, oh, Glenn's drink. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They can spend millions having Leah Williamson on the bottle. No, no, no, no, no, you're going to be thinking about me. Every time you see the big bottle, yeah. It's Glenn Moore. Great.

100%. Yeah, every time I see the kind of slightly underside of a skateboard sort of font. God, I love it so much. To a point where I think, I know the flavor so well that I think cinnamon is one of the secret ingredients. Because sometimes when you get it from a newsagents and it just tastes a bit off, it usually tastes a bit too cinnamon. Yes, yeah, yeah, it tastes a bit like some kind of weird pancake thing. Yeah, and I think this is too fat. Am I having Christmas edition?

Oh, we're only a few weeks away from having most of our food ruined by a Christmas. alternative edition, aren't we? Oh, yeah. I don't understand people who like the Christmas sandwich at Pret. It's got Cranberry in. I'm not a sandwich guy anyway. I don't see sandwiches as a big treat.

But I'll usually have the Christmas version of anything. The food version of anything, I'll have it, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Are there any winners? Yeah. I know this is so pathetically corporate. I like the Costa and Starbucks cups.

I do. What? I like the Christmas cups. It makes me know it's Christmas. You like the Christmas cups? Yeah. Can we cut this? This is the most ashamed of our fight.

You suddenly went a bit Paxman. I'm like... You like the Christmas Cuts? Do you? Well, it's not about the Christmas Cups. It's about the... What we're doing is we're putting in a range of strategies to ingest the coffee and tea

and we're using a wide variety of receptacles, which is what the people of Britain want. Let me be perfectly clear. The cups will change at Christmas and they will change. in line with our stated goals. I'd like to start talking like a politician around home and just avoid basic questions. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's sort of like, you know, have you put the, have you unpacked the dishwasher yet? And you're sort of like, well, what I do understand is the need for us to be able to have a clean future. I'm pro-packed dishwasher. I'm pro-unpacked dishwasher. I think it's a great thing. I really admire people who you use it. We're not here to debate if it should be a clean dishwasher or a dirty dishwasher, All I know is I'm fighting for a red, white and blue dishwasher.

Thank you very much. We all agree we'd like an empty dishwasher. That's not up for debate. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, nice. Send us your worm moments, your trick-a-lose, and make sure to follow and subscribe and like Budpot on YouTube.

Full episodes available on YouTube. We're trying to grow our presents there. And the second at George Pod for Patrons and VIPs will be on Monday. So check that out. Also, you can follow us on our respective social medias as well, Piano Valley and Glenn Moore, because we're both going on tour very, very soon. Well, you sooner than me?

Yeah, the time of this episode going out, I'm doing a week at the Soho Theatre from Monday onwards, so starting next week, and then a week after that, it goes all over the UK, but come along. So soon, soon, get down to Soho Theatre in London to see Glenn, or check out your Instagram. Yes, it's got all the dates there. All the dates there.

He is coming to your town, and we will not tolerate people saying, when you're coming to Nottingham, when Glenn was in Nottingham the day before you send that message. We all, we get those messages all the time, just read the list. Yeah, most annoying version I ever had about as someone was like, when are you coming to Norfolk? And I said, I'm there in a week's time.

It says it on the poster. And I went, well, I didn't read the poster. So they got furious with no evidence. Incredible. I saw a picture and went, I can't believe he's not coming here. So yes, go check out Glenn's show. theater and on tour. I'll be at Soho and on tour early next year. Other than that, find us on YouTube and subscribe to the Patreon for the extra content.