BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2e14 Rendered Devil

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

This week Glenn and Pierre discuss an era-defining aviation disaster, create their own ‘cryptic crossturds’ and relive Glenn’s pilates class. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Part 14. 14, we're nice and clean. Yeah. We, I think. I think so. Yeah. Generally. Yes, I shower more, I think, than the average person.

Do you think? Yes, but that's because on a weekday, for instance... You shit yourself. As soon as I wake up, part of the routine, wake up, shit yourself, have a cup of tea, shit yourself once more, leave the house. I wake up, I have a shower. I'll go and do the radio show. I'll sometimes run back home from the radio show.

It's one of the maddest things you do. It's quicker than public transit. Bear in mind, this is at like 9, 10 a.m. in like central London. I know. Public transport is hell. I will run home. Yeah, that feels like I'm in weapons.

Yeah. Like, you know, I'm doing. That's insane. Yeah. But I'll run home. But it's like 10 kilometers and you go 10Ks a normal, healthy amount to run. That's fine.

You get home, you're sweaty. Have a shower. Oh, later on that evening, I have a gig. I'll shower. Also, sometimes, if I've had a late night, the night before, let's say I've got that late from me getting at like midnight, got up very early for the radio show.

Run home. So, wake up, shower. Run home, shower. Have a nap. If I've just had a nap, I've got a shower. You've got a shower. You're a nap sweater. It's not even nap sweating. It's just, it's all mouth-based. It's the nap-mouth. That's the horrible,

the dry, from the town of Natmuth. That's the bad, when you've been to Natmuth. We've gigged in Natmoth. We've gigged in Natmoth. Yeah, yeah. But could your life not be revolutionized by the simple application of mouthwash? It could, but even then I'm like, I need to know that the brush was doing its job. The shower for the mouth.

The shower for the mouth. Yeah, it wouldn't be enough. You have to put your whole body under the... And I love to swallow it, so, you know, there's that as well. Sure, and why not? Yeah. I sometimes, if I eat a big takeaway curry, I want to have a shower afterwards. Is that mad?

It was one of those days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because, like, I know there's grease on my fingers. Yeah. And I can feel it on, like, my mouth. If I had... I sort of generally feel like I need hot water to cleanse me from this gluttony. I'm of the opinion that...

I know it's not, but in my opinion, is that madras is hotter than Vindaloo. And sometimes if I have a madras, I get such a specific reaction, which is the sweat forms in a sort of monk's wig, around, in a circle, in the... Just to ring around the top of my head. the way Hannibal Lecter takes off the top of Rayliotta's cranium. Like that a perfect disc, and it just sweats there. It's just a wet line there and not the rest of me.

And that is like, I need to have a shower before I'll feel clean again. Yeah, that's a bad one. Just from Madras. Just from a madras. And it's never from Vindaloo. But I don't really get Vindaloo very often. I find Vindaloo taste so bitter. I've had Vindalus before, though, where they've not been spicy at all.

The flavour is spicy. Yeah. You just go, that's not. But I've had them before where they haven't done it properly. And they're just, because they've gone like, we know this isn't right, but this is the right flavor we've arrived at, the right level of spice we've arrived at, after years of tedious arguments with awful customers. Or do you think they've seen you and been like, I'm sick of why guys thinking they can do this?

Yeah, but both, though. And they go, we're going to give you what you think you, like what we think you should have. But this is the thing. You're ordering the spices thing on the menu. I think they should be like, well, buyer beware. You deserve this. They should do for customers, they should just go, we'll let your table think you ordered the spiciest thing, and we'll put a flag in like it's Nando's.

Yeah. We'll put in a flag that says the biggest boy. Yeah. And I'd eat that, yeah. But it must be because afterwards, they're like, that's way too spicy. I want my money back. And they should say, you ordered the,

I'd like to fuck up my mouth food. No, I think it's because the staff have to clean their own toilets afterwards is what they have to have. Because a gammon went and exploded. Do you think it's that immediate? I do not know. I just know what men can be... I know what British men are like. I've been

on a flight. Whether it's a queue. It's awful. It's just awful. I've never had a turdy flight. Man, I think a lot about that article that was in the Metro years ago, that flight, I think... The plane had to turn around.

Because it was that pungent. and you go, someone's bum was a terrorist. Someone's bum was a terrorist. You grounded a plane with your bum. That's such an effective way of doing it. No one got hurt. That was the Martin Luther King of protest. Or Gandhi.

Yeah. Peaceful. Yeah. Fully peaceful. And you can't be X-rayed for smuggling a huge wretched log. They can't pat you down very gingerly. And that's why they wear gloves. Don't pat them down too hard or it will pop.

Because when they make you stand in the scanner, that is the pose of someone who shit themselves. Arms out slightly to the size as well. But try not to touch their own jeans. It's a toddler. It's a toddler, yeah, yeah. It's someone about to be lifted up under the arms, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

That's all it is. Yeah. And shit yourself? It's why they don't get you to take your belt off anymore. They're like, leave the trousers up. Leave the trousers as up as possible. We're just going to give you these little belts that you can put around the bottom of your trouser legs.

Yeah. And I think that's why you were allowed to most to keep your shoes on as well because they were like people were absolutely great escaping it by the conveyor belts and just letting out bits onto the floor. What do you think happened with that poo, the flight grounding poo? The person or the turd? All of it. The person is, I want to lose the rude.

They walk among us. As a person who just goes about their day now, they did it. That's them, you know. Like the Zodiac killer. Anyone in California could be the... It could be anyone. And every time the detectives walking down the street, he thinks everyone's making eye contact with him.

But there was that one in America a few years ago where there was footage like of the streak down the plane. At least that Dubai one, it was restricted to the toilet. It was restricted to the toilet, and then what happened was, the smell just filled the cabin, and they went, we're going to have to turn around because everyone's crying. But the American one was like, it was on the floor. But that makes more sense to me, because that's a biohazard.

It's illegal to continue that flight. Right, okay. Because there's a biohazard on the floor. Biohazard is so funny, because I associate it with Resident Evil. I associate it with that danger symbol of the umbrella corporation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the plane should be full of people like, like, zombies. he's animated on quite a short loop.

Yeah, yeah. Did you get shit? Did you get shit? He's got chite marks. Yeah. Someone's hiding just like a brown mark on their wrist. Yeah. Nothing.

Just a scratch. Oh, okay. A scratch? A scratch. From what? Not turd. But that makes sense to me, because that is someone who's having sort of explosive diarrhea

while they're walking down an aisle. Yeah, I feel like everyone would group together to make that person not feel ashamed because they'd be like, you have not made a decision here. That's a very, very unlawed person. And it's like if someone project or vomited, you go, there's nothing you can do that. But someone making a decision,

go to the bathroom and try and leave and go back to their seat. And you go, which one of you did this? It's like Gosford Park. One of you did this. The Orient Express. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was seven turns. That's why it was so bad.

It was all of them. Yeah, yeah. Every single person did it? And it became unflushable. Yeah. But that's what I mean. There was one, there was one turd of myths. where it turned out an orangutan

An orangutan had escaped from a zoo and done an enormous shit. And when you look back, you go, of course, actually, that makes a lot of sense. It was Colonel Mustard's pipe in the library. Colonel Must turd. He must. He must. He must. With his length of pipe in the library.

Fuck. Yeah. Yeah, I never thought about that. Candelabra. Yeah. But so here's the thing. That one where had someone walking down the aisle, having diarrhea. Yeah. I can stand in the middle of the there, like Mind Palace at like Sherlock and be like, yeah, diarrhea, out of trousers, they walk down the aisle,

yes, yeah, I could see it happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other one I can't. Well, it's just someone who had a bad time and then they try to leave. No, no, no, no. There's no, like, smell has to come from the source, right? Yeah. In this case, the source should be being fired through a pressure hoover.

No, but it would just be in the room, it would just be in the room, it's in the ether, it's gone, it's all, you know. But this is what I mean. The only way that's possible. Yeah. is one, they laid out a truly, truly, truly terrible one. Yes, they did. It was a spray. No, I think just a big honking log.

Oh, no, in my head, I'm picturing a raccoon. I think it was purely couldn't. It went backwards. You thought they got gunged. It was not to get your own back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, but my point is, either they did a normal one. Yes.

And they just took so long in there that they gave that thing lots of time to fucking percolate. Yankee candle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's what happened. And so then even once it got hoovered away, it was still bad enough. Well, they were probably panicking because it wasn't going, like they were using roll after roll and trying to get rid, and it wasn't going, and then they were just like, well, now I have to leave,

and everyone else has met with this wall. Or it was somehow unflushable. Yeah. So the scented candle was eternally there. Do you know what I mean? There was no way to get rid of the centered candle, the origin point. Yeah, and even that, even if that frozen left the place. plane. That's like one of those meteors

that doesn't have enough time to break up in the atmosphere. That probably just like really made it large, but probably like smashed a car in Ghana. Why part of village? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give someone's superpowers. Standing near it. That's what I mean is that there's not enough

the logistics of smell. Yeah. If someone did a shit in a loo 100 years ago, it doesn't still smell. It does, you know, it needs to still be there. Yes, yeah, yeah. But a plane is just a capsule of trapped smells, isn't it? But people are constantly doing smelly poos on the plane. Yeah.

So that's always happening. So it's clearly never been a problem till now. That's what I mean. This has to be, by definition, exceptional. It's not just, well, you go to the loot, smells for a little bit afterwards. Yeah, but this is beyond. They've budgeted for that. Yes.

And they have done for 60 years. This is an era-defining disaster. Because also, I know that obviously when they open the plane, If you're from outside the plane, you have a guy who opens the plane doors when it lasts. There's a tin of farts. Yes, it must be awful. And I wonder...

I've heard it is. The ground crew are like, brace yourself. I wonder if then, that's why they sometimes get you to leave the plane on the middle of the runway and you have to get a bus. Is it because they're like, the pilot rings ahead and he goes, just to let you know.

A guy was in there for ages. So I think this is going to get the buses. Just to let you know, it's been an incredibly farty crew. Yeah, yeah. crew. Yeah. Particularly turdbulent.

We had a really bad turdbulance. And the Ayrhestas have sort of Geiger counters for how much people would start. It's just farting. Oh, horrible clicks. Yeah, yeah. Should we talk cryptic crosswords? Yes. This what we're talking about just before we started.

And it is on this. Cryptic crosswords, or if you're listening from America, British cryptic, is what they call it. Because in America, crossword is never cryptic. In what way? I find crosswords bullshit, by the way. So I'm not a crossword user. I like crosswords. Regular crosswords I find annoying.

I find it irritating when it's like three letters across and the clue is like boat, common, notwithstanding. And you're like, where do we begin? Well, no, but that's what I mean is that the fact that you think of that as a crossword clue is such an indicator that you are British. Right. Because that's a cryptic. Right.

But I don't like the idea of cryptic because with cryptic, it's like you either know it or you don't. Because they go, here are the rules. cryptics, there are rules in place. And once you know those rules, you can solve it in a second. And that's what I find irritating, because I'm like, well, it's basically like a crossword. They go, right, we find out if today's crossword is in English or French.

And it's like a word search. A cryptic crossword to me is the equivalent of a word search, and you go, well, it depends who wrote this word search, was it the English guy or the French guy, and it's a French guy, and you go, oh, in which case, then begette. Yeah, I can see Begette there. In most of the world, this is not what crosswords are. Right. What is the average one,

NYT? No, yeah, well, the average one, I just mean the style of clue. Right. The average, a normal, in quotes, clue for a crossword in the rest of the world, would just be Elizabethan explorer. And the answer would be Drake. Yeah. Impossible Action Addict, comma, Cruz.

And then it's three across. Yeah, but even that's a bit cryptic. Fuck. What, but if it, then you even know what you don't? Yeah. Bullshit. Yeah. So it's trivia.

It's trivia and word kind of figure reality. Yeah. So that's what makes British cryptic. it crosswords so interesting is that it is a better, you don't necessarily have to know the word sometimes, you can work it out. Yes. So I think it is more flexible. Yes, but I don't like it. No. No, and they're very hard. Once you learn the rules, it's still really hard. I found that I prefer that. I'm not, because I might as I was like, once you know the rules, you know it. And it's like, well, it's a language then, isn't it? No, no. Once you learn the rules, it's still hard because

there's still a riddle aspect to it. Yes. You're still trying to decode something. And I find the telegraph one slightly harder than the Guardian one, but I find them both hard because they'll be there for old people and they're written by old people. And it's like you're there to spend a day on it. You're here for the day. But unless you're really good at it. But my point more is the references will be like some convoluted clue around like a sitcom from the 70s I haven't seen. Or like cricket. Yeah. And they'll be like famous cricketer reversed Christian Mark? I don't know. I don't know any cricketers.

So you argue that a crypticroswitch should be like non-cultural references, just words. Like an IQ test. Yeah. Yes. So there are international cryptic crosswords you can download, and I can do those. Right, okay. Because they're trying to do a sort of everybody knowledge. Yes. Whereas when they're really, really English, I just, I don't know.

Yeah. I don't know that cricketer. I don't know what the ceremonial county's name is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not from here. I don't know that. Leisure Center Star Failed Empire sort of thing. Yeah.

Gord, Britus, British, okay. Well, this came about because myself and the friend who we don't name, to protect their identity have a running thing we've done for years which you have described as akin to a cryptic crossword in which will present each other with two scenarios and say what do you prefer? And we start off cryptically and then we move...

It's so good, but also you guys have done it for so long that it is in the same way that if you get into the mode of being good at puns, you can just do them fluently like a language. The speed with which you guys can come up with these. So it would be a case of like, is a question. I probably haven't asked you this before. But do you prefer a song by the, this is one of his examples, but do you prefer a song by the moody blues or, um, or soiled hosery?

What do you prefer? I mean, I mean, when the other person goes, I don't know, what are you asking? And then you always say, okay, well, if I had to rephrase it, do you prefer nights in white satin or tights that I've shat him? And I mean, that's the end of the game. That's the end of the game. It happens over time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you rather fly with the help of a, a witch, or would you rather spend some time with a guy who's getting married that evening? I guess what I'm trying to say is, would you rather sit on a broomstick or a groom's dick? What would you prefer? And is that?

It's all the time. And they get longer and longer and more convoluted. And you described it as being like a cryptic crossword. Yes. And then what this started was a horrible, as Katie suggested, a cryptic cross turd, in which you and our friend, you should not be named, started coming up with decent cryptic crossweds. Actually, real cryptic crossword clues. The scatological stuff.

Because I would say not like a regular, a regular one, a regular crosswords, turd-based, clue would be awful trouser companion previously met at breakfast. And then our friend who should not be named, I think this is a really good clue. None of the podcast today has been non-turderated. We went straight in. We went straight in and we're sorry. We'll get cleaner on it.

We started by saying we're clean. Yeah. Our friend should not be named, suggested. This phrase is like Sankor MacArthur you would write. It's just gorgeous. Tarrantial... This phrase you got so obsessed with. It was like a...

I couldn't believe it. Someone fascinated by an emerald. You just look turning it over in your hands. Right, let's get this out with one go. Tarrantial undercarriage rendered devil initially. So, initially is initials. So T-U-R-D is turd. But T-U-R-D-D-D-D-D-D-Evil.

And it really stayed with me, idea of trousers being rendered devil. Rendered devil. It's like signing out of blood meridian. Tarrantial undercarriage as well. It's like something from the vich. And then with estimation marks, which I really provide it. I arrow hard, messy.

So that's messy or explosion or anything like that. Crossword means it's a rearrange all the letters. Yeah, Iero, aero is in chocolate. Also, but aerodynamicism. Yeah, it's like being thrown or catapulted. Iero hard. Iero hard is diarrhea rearranged. So Iero hard.

Messy. It's a cryptic crossword clue for the word diarrhea. Brackets British spelling. One of my favorite anagrams is radiohead is an anagram of de-diaria. I d. of masterment. Like Mrs. Brown's boys, de diarrhea.

The movie. De-dairia. Da-movie. The movie. De-direa. The diarrhea. That would be a good... You could say,

I was... Sorry, I was late. I was watching Mrs. Brown's boys. Yeah. It's that. It's the new dropping the kids off at the pool. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Render. devil. Rendered devil is poetry. It really got through to you that. It stayed to be so long. Something being rendered

unto the devil himself. It's quite Shakespearean. Oh. Yeah. They shall render us devils. Yeah. Beautiful stuff.

Yeah, so please, if you like cryptic crosswords or sending you're out for words in which we all know what the answer is. Yeah, the answer to do the shit. Or something horrible. Yeah. But it would be fun to have

like a really disgusting horrible cryptic crossword. I think Viz has one. Oops, Ups. Returned would be like poos, because it's... Yeah,

reverse. Yeah. Or soup, soup. Soup. Um, soup returned and misspelled. There's a clue that means misspelled. Right. Okay.

Or phonetic. Right. Yeah. Soup. Soup. Sounds like it's been, soup sounds like it's returned. Soup sounds like it returned.

I hear. Right. Okay. Yeah. I hear soup being returned. It would be poos. That's what he says. You put your ear up to a cubicle.

I hear soup being done. Someone's getting your refund on their cullen skink. Oh. Cullen's skinks. Your cullen skinks. Someone getting a refund. I would text British Transport Police if I was in a loo and someone was pressing their ear up against it going, I hear soup being returned.

Return to nature, return to the world. Yeah, yeah. Like you'd set tadpoles free after catching the... Yeah, yeah. Like, once you take a picture of the fish, you put it back in the lake. Getting a refund. Getting a refund. Really one of the most wretched things that's come up in season two, I think, so far.

Complaining to the bar stuff. According to the smell of the bathroom, there's something wrong with the soup. Oh. Oh. Was everything okay with your meal? Well, with our meal. But I went to the loo and I can tell you. There's something right.

Yeah, I think based on the smell of the bathroom, we won't be having the chicken. Oh, God. It's vile. Rendered devil. Horrible. Yeah, send us in your awful crossword clues. This is a good way, listeners, this is a good way for you guys to learn how cryptic crosswords work. and you'll come across like...

It helped me understand them better. Yeah, and you'll come across like the kind of smart person that gets used to help crack codes in a film about World War II. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I arrow hard. I'm messy, perfect, perfect.

Yeah. Yeah, air-rated. It's a disgusting idea. Really terrible. Well, we came back from the fringe recently. We're recording slightly ahead of time. You and I went out on the last Sunday night. Oh, we did.

our final shows. And then we went and drank a bottle of red wine each and ate loads of beef and potato dauphin was great. Shout up to Chejoules in Edinburgh. Shout to Chejoules. A French restaurant that you can't book online. No. You've got to bring in advance.

Like the olden days. Yeah, the staff are not Parisian, but they've managed through training to be as weirdly standoffish as real Parisian waiters. You'd rather use the internet. No, none of us want to do this. Yeah. None of us want to do that. What you want is for there to be an incredibly old French car who looks like,

who looks like, who's that old French creep who moved to Russia for a bit and then move back again? Gerard Depo-Depardieu. You want Gerald Depojeet to be the one running that restaurant? Yes, yeah, yeah. Despite the fact it's like, it's, because the restaurant is pitch black. It's lit entirely by candlelight, and it's so loud. And you go, I don't have a staff, I don't have a food gets to anyone. It looks like you've gone there to plot blowing up Parliament and a woodcut.

Oh, it's so great. Yeah, by the end, my handwriting was a lot worse. It's just so much beef Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guy Fawkes after he'd had the Chatterbury on. He was just so crappulent afterwards. Well, then...

Billius. Well, you went home, which was smart. I did. I know that our agency, Avalon, were having drinks. Yeah. And I didn't go to that. I went, and then I ended up just, it was the last night, it's the last night,

we're all going home after a month in Scotland, all doing this big stressful festival. And our friends were, there and I ended up staying out till like five. Your next day must have been awful. I had two hours sleep and then got on the train. What time is your train? 9.30, but I wanted to wake up early.

I know, I know, I know, I know. But because I was so full of our red wine and beef and also just loads of beers after that, like a terrible mixture, I just thought I could sleep on this four and a half hour train. But I think if I fall asleep, I'll have absolutely no control over some of the worst fines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if I fall asleep, I'll just go, ah, against the window, and then just slowly kill everyone else on the train. Because it's a kindness I've never, I've never farted in front of Katie. Yeah. We met, uh, 10 years ago. We met a decade ago. Ten years. Not where we didn't start dating. I mean, I asked her out the day after I met her. I got turned

down. Yeah. But I still to this day, haven't consciously done it. However, I, I, on anus. I hold them in out of politeness. I hold them in out of politeness. And I think that's such a good thing because it keeps the magic of the relationship alive. It keeps that going. But what I've been told is, usually when I fall asleep, I just deflate.

So, all that work for nothing. All that work for nothing. It's like a bouncy castle going down apparently. My sleep cycle picks it up. Really? Yeah. And it's all in chronological,

It goes sort of like, it's all farts of men it goes into snoring. And then that's it. And there's no, like, they're separate entities. But she, like, I'll sometimes wake up to like a text in the morning being like, I thought someone was breaking in to the house. And you go, what's it all for them? Why do I bother? I tried son.

And she'd always be like, it was so gross. They'll be like, but I did my best. You know, like in the Great Escape where they go, make sure you don't fall asleep on the train because you might sleep talking English. I'm like, yeah, I've done as much as I could but I've been betrayed by this fucking Judas attached to me. You're Janus.

You're Judas. Yeah. It's so funny the idea that she thought it was someone breaking in. Yeah, you know, because the windows were rattling. Because, no, because it was like, well, those ones where it was like, blab! Gunshots in Johannesburg.

Yeah, yeah, like distant, like, yeah, distant flat cannons. in World War II. Yeah. Every time it's D-Day and they land and you just hear it, they're just constantly just shooting at the sky.

Yeah. Yeah, North Korean test missile launch into the sea. Yeah, yeah. That sort of thing, yeah. Or just you falling asleep like, ah. It's that, apparently.

It's that. It's almost like, we need to put the Lilo back in the suitcase because the flight's in two hours. She's like putting a foot on my back and on my shoulders just to even it all out. Slowly folding you over and then stepping on you.

There must, there's no alternative, though. But you go, like we said at the beginning, we're clean men, I'm a clean boy. There's not, I've done my best. Consciously, I'm doing my best. But it's like if I was just sort of like, yeah, I'm a reasonable person. And then for some reason, my sleep talking was just racial slurs. I don't have any control over that. I swear.

I'm not doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dreams. It's the dreams. I'm asleep. Fucking hell, man. What else can you do? I can't do anything. Unless I just go, I'm going to go for a walk around the block.

And then my neighbours just think there's just this farting guy. I'm like, I'm like in Fritz Lang's M. The serial killer always whistles the old towers song. Yeah, yeah. I did in the whole of the Mountain King, but I'm just farting around the guy. The Nightstalker. Yeah. Or people will think.

People will think it's raining because your footsteps are just like, Yeah. You need new shoes. Is it muddy outside? He's walking on pavement, isn't he? I'm doing my best. I'm doing my best. You can't siphon them off secretly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also I think she'd be suspicious if I just, before I went to bed, I was just like, I'm just going to stand in the hallway for four minutes. I'm just going to ultimately stand and squat in the hallway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And sort of like, punch myself in the stomach. Yeah, I'm going to do Pilates. And do like yoga positions.

So she was doing Pilates and then obviously she had to stop for several months while she was with Bufant. Yes. So because she'd already paid for a bunch of Pilate sessions, this place around the corner from us, I was like, well, I don't usually gig a great deal on Wednesdays Day evenings. And I was like, shall I just go and take your sessions? Because I've never tried it before. And I think it might be quite good fun to do. And I went on to like this Matt Pilates class for a few weeks. Yeah.

And it's like doing a fart exam. It's like sitting at A level in the farts. It's unbelievable. What do you mean? The positions they put you in, it's like, it's like positions designed to make you fart as loudly as you can. And you're obviously so like, and it's a real exercise in restraint because you go,

I've got to keep this in. And so I would never let one out, ever. But a lot of the men would just be like, it was just, it was, it was opening a window. These enormous loud farts and no one would laugh. And it was so weird. What? Because it would be a real, like that, like a,

like a, whoa! Like, real, like, every, like, you recoil. And then they would just sort of go, like, mh. Like, grumble and get into the next position. You go, we all heard that. There was a guy who used to go with, like, his 16-year-old daughter,

and he would have a loudest farts, and at no point did she go, Dad, I'm going to kill myself in front of you? Like, there was, like, everyone was so fine, and it was like, is this a prank show? Is this a hidden camera show? Because this feels, like, designed to make me laugh as hard as possible.

You must have been weeping. Yeah, but it was like every time I had to go into a downward position where your face is on the mat, I'd be like, thank God because I can let this out. I can, as in I can let my laughter out. But it was like every single position is like, legs open, bum in the air, and just push down on your tummy as hard as he possibly. It's like, this is insane. Just fully relax your anus and compress your entire torso. Yeah, and I'd like, I'd Google all the positions afterwards and be like, these don't fucking exist. These are real.

I'm at some weird fart fetish place. Yeah. And she must be so frustrated at the teacher when she goes home and she's like, no one fucking farted tonight. I do, what am I doing this for? I'm losing my touch. Yeah, yeah. Time was, we'd have to do it in the park. We'd get the fart, like an exorcism.

Like some old, like, preacher. That you'd get you into positions, and it would just come out. I would, you know, those evangelical healing. farting in tongues. You know, there's, like Paul Dana and Noel would be blown. Get back, you don't! But like those evangelical things were, like, they, touch, they grab their head

and they just start like that, but the guy touches your head and you just there'll be blood, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've abandoned my ass! You said, I've abandoned my ass! Louder! I've abandoned my ass! That, but just with

unconscious farting, I mean. It's like they're like possessed. Yeah. Get it all out! And people, like, they faint and they have to be carried back to their seat by guys wearing masks. Yeah.

Yuck. So you're not going back to Pilates? No. No, no, no, no. Enjoyed it while it lasted. Too smelly. Let's try some correspondence. Mail, letter, post, message,

e-mail, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, and randoms. So, this, if this isn't, this will be the first non-turred part bit of the podcast. today. Yes. Well, we'll see. Unbelievable podcast of the depth so far. Yes, yes. But you know what?

We make no apologies. It comes around, it doesn't come around very frequently. It has to happen. It's every few episodes, it will happen. It will just happen. Some silly tat. Great. In this house, we believe Bigfoot is real.

I'm going to kiss him. What? He will be my lover. I will be the little spoon. Me and Bigfoot will fuck, and you can't stop us. No, no, no, no, no. It was a fun street sign. I was going to say that as a joke.

I thought the ending was going to be up. People's wrong, I'm going to kiss him. He'll be my lover. I'll be the little spoon. Me and Big Put foot, all fucking, you can't stop us. Do you know what my favorite bit about this sign is? Is it's outdoors? Yeah, it's like a driveway sign.

It's like an election sign. Yes. Like, that's not tap. That's excellent. That's funny. It's weird. You go, you must hate your neighbours, or you want your neighbors to hate you. Or you hate your neighbors so much.

You've put it on your neighbor's driveway. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Is that illegal to like nail that into someone's drive over? Is it trespass and vandalism in theory? But it's so mild. You'd have to go to court and try and keep a straight face while complaining to the judge. Yeah, because I would be a great way to ruin the life of someone who lives in the same town as you.

He used to print off a picture of them and nail it to every tree. There was a guy called like Simon he didn't like. And I'm just thinking of someone I went to school with. And if below it, you said like, I'm looking for friends. Want to be my friend? Here's my number. And if you just put it on every tree. Yeah, you could ruin that person's life.

Is that illegal? Impersonating another civilian? It's so hard to prove that you did it. I think it is illegal to distribute someone's phone number. But how would they ever, ever catch you? Yeah. Maybe it's worth a try. Just a big picture of it.

It says, I'm not CRB checked, but want to hang? No, but with adults, with adults, I mean, it says in brackets, with adults, obviously. With adults, so it's fine. Yeah. and it's all in Garamond it's in a really inappropriate font papyrus

oh yeah that's fine I don't like the idea of Bigfoot as a lover I don't think you could call him that yeah it's because the closest you've seen of him is Harry and the

Henderson's and he looks dreadful yeah he'll have some kind of baffling genitals that he's a monster yeah you know he's not a lover no

he's not going to take you to Paris What do you reckon for dear Elizabeth? Bigfoot was something I couldn't really get my head around as a kid I wasn't sure what I was meant to be impressed by or what was meant to be crazy Yeah There's a monkey who walks

I'm like I can Sorry I can But also the monkeys can Yeah They're gorillas do I do not understand What I'm meant to be looking at here Yeah

Yeah but I think But also maybe that's the petulant So I think I was very jealous kid And I didn't like people being celebrated for things that I myself could do. So if my parents were like, look how clever the dog is, the dog can shake your hand. I'd be like, I can shake your hand.

And you've never once said, well done you. So I'd be like, I can walk better than, my posture's better than Bigfoot's. I'm bad. And I've got clothes on. I'm bad at being photographed. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm blurry.

Yeah. No one's ever sent a team of hillbillies to try and potentially hunt and skin me. I just think Bigfoot's such a mad thing to make up, but I'm like, I'm almost inclined to believe it more because I'm like, it's so deeply. unimpressive to me. Yeah.

It's like when they go, like, the big British supernatural stories were all about, like, the big black wild cat of such as a forest. And you go, okay. So? A big black dog, that's frightening.

Yeah, so? What are we doing here? It should be a vampire. Yeah, it needs to be minimum witch. Minimum which. Minimum which. You must be this witch to haunt me.

Like, yeah. Yeah. Like, BBC, BBFC age ratings on movies being like U, PG, 12, A, 15, 18, should be sort of like, there's witch, there's ghost. Yeah. Then, like, absolute top is... It's Dracula.

It's the B word. Alucard. Alucard. Yes. Backwards, yes. Reversed alu card, yes, yes, yes. Your bit about being afraid of Dracula is a great. great bit. It's too loud to do on a podcast, but anytime someone mentioned them in polite

conversation, I'd scream really loudly. Sorry, sorry, like I've been jumped scared. It's like if you read one of the big novels of the 1800s or whatever, and you're a big fan of, you know, Sherlock Holmes or Dracula. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Don't do that to me, man. Don't do that to me, man, yeah. Don't mention him. Or sometimes if I'd just be scribbling away and drawing on a piece of paper, I'd suddenly just yell out loud. I'd be like, sorry, man, I just drew, I just drew Dracula, sorry. Blur. The closer to that kind of classic Blair, Dracula,

the more pathetic it is. Yeah, it's just, yeah, it's a Romanian guy biting you. Okay, but yeah, all right. I guess I don't want that. Yeah. We've got some good wagging from Ali. So I'm not quite sure what it is for. Stars is the channel that just puts movies on all the time.

On Disney. Is it on Disney? Yeah. It used to be a star's with a Z. What is it? Yeah. If it's what I think it is, it's the best bit about the Disney channel. It's the best bit about Disney Plus.

Because Disney Plus is categorized into, because I think a lot of people assume that certainly before like the bear arrived. Yeah. A lot of people assumed Disney was just its Nemo and it's all the Pixar's and stuff like that. Yeah, I did for a while, yeah. And aside from it being, obviously, every single Disney thing, obviously it's only got its separate Simpsons thing, but it's then got separate National Geographic. And then it's got separate all of Marvel.

And then it's got a thing called Stars, which there's saying about it, but I was just sort of like, this is going to be like entirely, in my head, I don't know why, I've decided it's entirely African movies. It's going to be like some, it's going to be cinema from a, from a random continent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's going to be sort of like, maybe sort of like entirely, like, entirely Nordic films or entirely movies from South America or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stars is just an excellent movie channel. Really? Really?

It's just movies, and the films are fantastic. It's much better choice than, like, Netflix or Prime. It's so good. It's so good. It's so many films that you just don't immediately spring to mind. It's never got like, oh, the hottest release has just dropped on stars. But you go, from like the 70s through to like 2010, you go, it's pretty comprehensive categorization of a catalog of films that were good. Like, if you suddenly go, I'm in the mood to watch like The Fugitive, I bet the Fugitive's on Stars.

It's that sort of caliber of film. I don't care. One of the best lines. Yeah. Great. I don't care. Where's my wife? There's a man with one arm, which does sound completely made up.

But this is bullshit stars billboards. Okay. So their motto on these billboards is, we're all adults here. And it's like they've done that thing where... It's just a picture of a dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that the film company? And they go, there's...

Yeah, I guess I will scan that QR code. We regret to inform you as per your latest request. Elegant nudity is still nudity and cannot be displayed on our billboards. It's like a fake email. So it's like restars billboard campaign. Oh, no, no. Sorry, may I? So the joke is like, oh, we tried to put cool billboards up,

but the man said we couldn't in these emails. But we're all at us. Yeah, tell us who are emails from. Who's the email from then? Who's that from? Yeah. Just say TFL and let TFL see you. But also, you go,

stars, an offshoot of a Disney channel was never going to show you. Like, Sharon Stone. Of course it's not going to be on a billboard. The Sharon Stone muff shot just on the tube. Of course it's not going to be that. We've frozen it for you. But just like Michael Fastbender's dick. Everything you want to be.

Everything you want to see. Yeah. Yeah. you go, what's this is a made of ale station? There's a school around the corner. It's a busy commute. Yeah. These Spanish teenagers, well, it's the least sexual advert they've ever seen.

But, you know, if there had been some German ones, they'd be outraged. I always thought it so funny. Family holidays to Spain as a kid. The TV would always be German. It would always be German TV. And you sort of like sit your way to... MTV Deutsch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I always really have the trailers for stuff where they were like they just couldn't be asked to translate the title of the film. film. And it would be sort of like, yeah, in Glasgow, Mitt, Peter Sellers, M, Dr. Strangelver, how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb. And it would be a case of like they go, because we can translate it, we just like to save a title really quickly and just throw it under the table. A bit like in the UK when you see a trailer for an art house film and they've tried to hide the fact that it's in French. And you get to the end of a trailer and you go, they haven't said anything. It's foreign. It's foreign. Yeah. But I remember like as a kid, like an advert would just

be like a naked man jumping out of a plane and screaming while wanking and then it would be sort of like Noi von Colgate and then it would just show toothpaste you go what?

It'd be like oh that's like the most pre-water shed that's like a 7 a.m. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's in between you know Tom and Jerry yeah, yeah, yeah. Dusty BBs.

Yeah, yeah. It's so wild but we're allowed. that. It's actually an integral part of advertising. Yeah, people who loved it. They watch it as a family. Well, now it's time to go to the filthy advert section that we

call the Patreon. So, thank you for listening, guys. If you're listening to this on the day of release, we are halfway through Glenn's Soho Theater runs. Yes, as it stands, I don't know if there are any tickets left, but if you're unable to get it, the tour

will be going all over the UK, starting in a couple of weeks. But always worth checking the I hope that to website for more details if you want to see in London. Check it out. Go see Glenn on tour and I'll be on tour in spring. Thank you very much. Goji.