BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2e21 Budpod Live W Phil Wang Stuart Laws Part 2

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

BudPod Live! from the Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival 2025. Part 2 kicks off with Pierre bringing back our beloved Marjorie, who’s trying to organise a peculiar leaving do. Then, special guest Stuart Laws battles head-to-head with Phil in another classic Tat Attack (Tat attached HERE if you wish to follow along!).KOJIGlenn is on tour across the UK! For tickets go to https://www.glennmoorecomedy.com/ Check out Stuart Laws' upcoming live show and more! https://www.stuartlaws.com/Email or Dm us your cryptic crossturds, altered lyrics, worm stories and more at [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram.Join the BudPod Patreon for access to the BonusPod episode every week, the GeorgePods every month, discounted and early access to live shows and more to come! Join here from £4 a month. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the stage for the second half. It's Phil Wang and Piano Valley. We're looking forward to this. We need this? Oh, you straight away? Okay. And we're kicking off. Woo! You have to turn it on.

Push the thingy up. We are professionals. Man, I really wish... Whenever I see Phil do a really heavily prepared, lucky Kentucky, I really, really wish that Marjorie wasn't in... It's such a mistake. That's here. Hey.

Oh, um, hello. I'm just calling to try and book a venue for a leaving do. My buttocks are leaving my body. They've had a good run, but it's time for them to go. They've let me down, they've let me down on several occasions, but we're parting on good terms. It's always important to part your buttocks on good terms. We have several guests who are allergic to ice. Not water.

Not water, ice. There can be no ice in the venue, but we do want plenty of water because people need to hydrate. But if it gets too cold, they will have to go to the hospital. Let me know if you can accommodate this. I would like a venue with seven entrances, one exit. I anticipate a lot of people coming and no one leaving. I would like finger food, which is to say amounts of food,

shaped like fingers, and roughly the size of fingers. But from things that aren't normally finger food size, so like a little roast dinner, or a tiny piece of egg and a tiny piece of bacon on buttered toast as well. I would like them to be in a side room with no lighting. I want a dark room, finger food room. People don't know what they're eating,

or even if they're about to plunge their hand into a plate of egg. This is something that my buttocks have requested specifically. Thank you. I don't know this. Several of our guests. are going to be VIPs, but not from this country, so we would like no security, please. At the end of the night, my buttocks are going to play Old Langsaint.

Don't ask how, you won't like it. And then we're going to throw a keg of beer through a window. We are perfectly happy to pay for the window or to install a sugar glass window for the sake of this particular stunt. It will be filmed from an opposite building and sold to a YouTuber prank channel. Okay, thank you. Let me know if this is okay. Okay, thank you. Thank you, goodbye. There you go, why not?

Hurt my throat. We should introduce our guests for the second half. Please welcome to the stage, fantastic friend, comedian, and podbutt, Stuart Law. It's lovely to have stew, but I do think we kind of glazed over. Oh, yeah, yeah. So... My work...

Yes, so Marjorie's buttocks are leaving her body. Marjorie's buttocks have jumped before they were pushed. They let her down. Right. And they've agreed that rather than go through a tribunal or a firing, it's best to present the whole thing as a sort of joyous. Oh, okay, okay. It's very much, I'm not fired, I quit.

It's sort of a collective onto greener pastures kind of thing. And she has hired a venue. Yeah, I was trying to, yeah. Okay, for the event, to mark the occasion. She stays the occasion off her buttocks leaving her. A leaving due for her own... Hang on. So Marjorie has buttocks that will just quit.

Yes. Where were you a minute ago? Just over there? Oh yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. I should have looked over there in the wings with you, you frantically might be... Bum, won't quit.

Won't quit. Won't. I didn't see it. Thanks for being here, Stuart. Oh, it's a pleasure. Thank you for having me. Pod buds. Yeah?

That's it. That's played a crowd. Get them on side straight away. Don't worry, I was out there when you announced me in the first half, and I heard the palpable lack of excitement. We got a wonderful guest, Stuart Laws. They were just stunt. They were stunt. They got him.

It was a moment of genuine just... He's been on the run because of what he said about Malaysia. So to change his identity several times. Stuart, your wonderful comedian, wonderful filmmaker. Yeah, director of all my specials. Yeah. Yeah. Phil won't let me near him.

No. That's not true. Oh, you filmed my first two specials. And then Netflix came calling you were like, bye-bye, Stuart. Well, no, but... They wouldn't let me. They said...

No, they have outlawed me. It has to be Brian Cranston. Only Brian Cranston. can direct you. Brian Cranston, it turns out, it would be so disappointed to turn out he's one of those actors

that's got kind of suddenly developed a fetish for stand-up. It's always terrible when a really good actor decides, like, maybe I should give it and you have a thing already. Don't... Yeah, I think someone like Adrian Brody

definitely does it. Oh, yeah. Picture it. Yeah. Picture it, grainy footage of Adrian Brody dying on his hole in the comedy cellar

with a bunch of completely unrelatable stuff about food trucks on film sets. Ooh. No, thank you. God, you know what it's like when your girlfriend is 20 years younger than you? But from the back of the room, you just hear, I love his humor.

You see a Seinfeld really going through it. I do know, I do know that. I've done that. Really loving it. That is a fun prank I've do when people find out I've got a girlfriend. obviously they're stunned for a little bit. Yeah, it's like when we announced you.

Yeah, yeah. But I'm a 41-year-old man, and friends, when they generally know the ballpark I'm in, they'll go, oh, cool, how old's Chloe? I'll just, without blinking, go 21. And just see what happens in their brain. Cool, that's good. That's good.

I think that's nice that you're doing that. That's cool. And you're probably teaching her key skills and stuff like that. Do you ever get the kind of... Oh, she is not, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's 64.

She's 34. Do you ever get the long, drawn-out, wow? That's something that people do when they're trying to figure out how they feel about something. I'd love to hear it. So, okay, let's... Oh, how old's your...

How's your girlfriend? 21. Wow. Wow. Wow. If you're here that in a conversation, you've just said or done something that that other person is not sure about.

And if you're not hearing it, you're the wow. You are the wow. I don't know, something like that. Yeah, something like that. We'll figure it out. Fix that and edit. Yeah, yeah. Cut that. We'll redo that. A few times, though, like, if someone does that to me, if I get the long wow, I just want to go, well, what is it?

What is it? What is it? What is it? I would just immediately, I would rather panic and demand an explanation than try and spend the rest of the conversation going, yeah, yeah, it is good, yeah, while secretly going, how can I make them say more about why, wow? Where have I transgressed? What have I done? What social moray have I corrupted?

Yes. Stu and I are both autists, if that's not clear. I was literally just thinking which one is going to say it? Because I feel, I'm not. I'm allowed to say? Yeah. This is why they're both like being like this.

You're not allowed. I'm not allowed. Until you do the test. I can only do the Southeast Asian bit. And now I know how it feels. Yeah. It's you and I are both autists. I'd say, Phil, you're in the next postcode

to autism postcode. I'm on the border. I like to think of myself as the border guard between the land of the neotypical and the land of the autotypical. in the land of the autistic. I understand both languages, which is not something of Waterguards, no.

But I've always felt like an autism whisperer. I understand it. I never get offended by autistic people, and I'll see neurotypical people go, oh, that's very rude. And I think, no, no, no, no. Don't take it to heart. They're like that all the time.

In their culture. Yes, in their culture, this is polite. This is normal. What do you mean like that, really bluntly? or to correct you on a fact. Yeah. Or just to say, why is that? Yeah.

Without a interpretable facial expression. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like Blade. You're Daywalker. Ah. What does he do in Blade? Well, he's like a vampire, but he can go out in the daylight and he sort of like a half vampire. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's your role in the autism community. You're our Blade. Yeah, you can go to noisy environments. Yeah. And report back. We can send you into a room where the chairs have an awful. fabric on them. Horrible texture.

You send me in like the police send in a robot to diffuse a bomb? I just have like, I have a webcam on my head and you're in a room watching me like. And then we're on a mic saying that's right. So Phil, if you turn left the guy in the blue t-shirt he was the one who made the ambiguous social

comments. Okay, approach. Yep. Okay, stop. Okay, tap him on the shoulder. Ask him what he meant by it. Ask him what he meant when he said when he said wow to me a half an hour ago. It's like that Anten Deck, like, bit, isn't it? Yeah.

But it's autistic Anten Deck just being like, go over there and ask them what they fucking meant. Go in there, try that t-shirt on and tell me how uncomfortable it is. Yeah. So I don't have to do it. How big's the label?

Yeah, yeah. How big's the label on that sucker? Both are like giggling. I can't think we made him do it. You're saying, you're saying your show to you that you didn't realize you were allowed to cut the labels off your t-shirts, right? And it drove you crazy your entire life.

Yeah. When did you discover you can cut off the labels? So, yeah, I was confirmed autistic when I was 39. Yeah. You bit me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I had a choice to make. Yeah, yeah. It was either drain all the autism from you to make me more powerful. Or just, bite you and drain a little bit and then make you one of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was an eye-opening experience. I really liked it.

And by God, the amount of sex we have now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so sexy. Yeah. It's crazy. Really sexy. Yeah. People are calling it the party condition.

But I did find out, I'd say, only six months or so after that about the labels. I don't know why. Like, I tried to write a bit, it was a longer bit in stand-up before, that basically, I think I remember being told you're not allowed to cut labels out of clothes when I was a kid,

but that actually, I think, what it was was sofas. I think you're not supposed to cut the labels off sofas. And I spent over three decades just being like, okay, cool, so this just digs into me, but we all experience that. That's normal. Everything I wear just makes me want to scratch constantly. That's fine.

Yeah, it's normal to sort. of live in hell, and I'm sure everyone else is also here. Everyone else is also here in hell. Yeah. And that's what being a human being is like. And we just last 50 to 60 years, and then we get out of here. Yeah. What you do, you can't not have stones in your shoes. You have stone in your shoe, you walk around, it's horrible. None of us like it. Yeah. But it's the law probably, I won't think about this too much. Occasionally, you'll say stuff to people and they'll react like you've said to one of the most upsetting things you've ever, anyone's ever heard. Yeah. But in your mind, you just said, no, I don't want to come to the pub.

And they're like, but this is the most important pub visit of the millennium. Yeah. I didn't know that was the case. Yeah, you should have said that. Yeah, because I would have put some more effort in. Yeah. But what happened was, it got to it, and I went, I don't want to go. Yeah.

Because I'm drained. I'm out. I'm done. I'm dealing with this label. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's like having a kind of constant damage thing on a video game. Just like every day, every time the label scratch, would be like, uh, uh, uh, minus 10, minus 10. It's Duke Nukem, but it's that face that Duke Nuke, or is it in Doom or whatever, where it's like, the face is deteriorating, but you can't tell

because the label's behind his neck. Just over time getting more and more upset, but no change. I only have to cut it off my boxes, the labels. That's the only thing that bothers me, so I guess I have an autistic ass. Yeah. That's as far as it got. It only got to the ass.

Yeah. Yeah, that's your pickup line. You're artistic from the waist down, right? That's your... And that means exactly what you think it means, super sensitive. Or not at all. One or the other.

It depends, but it's not in the middle. How about that? It's on all your profiles on the apps or whatever. And still one of the shows you do regularly and you're doing it for the last time in March is a show where you just say the word never. Correct. Over and over again.

Over and over again, as Michael Kane and Batman begins in the way he says, never. Correct. You say it all. And did you come up with the idea of the show before your autism diagnosis? I think the show is how you got your diagnosis. The NHS just wrote your letter after they saw it in the fringe guide and went, we need to interview.

we don't need to meet this guy. Yeah, when you watch a film that has a super obvious plot twist in it and you work it out in the first five minutes, you're like, fuck, all right, we don't have to go through this whole thing, do we? That was me and autism, except I didn't work out until, like, the credits had rolled, I'd gone home, and then someone else explained it to me. And I was like, what? Because everything in my stand-up career, everything in what I create is very autistic coded

and has been for a long time. repetition of certain phrases, just basically doing like vocal stimming in my stand-up. I would say honk, honk on stage quite a lot. You'd say honk-hunk. It would be a repeater, honk-hong! Repeating it. I wore a jolet on stage

because back when I was starting, I was like, I need to make myself look a bit weird, but I also want to be normal. And I settled on a jolet. A jolet over a t-shirt. Over a t-shirt, which is then, yeah. I was like, that makes me look like it. a bit of an idiot and be like ha ha ha but like so much of it in hindsight you're like oh this was

just an autistic guy being like you think this is funny everyone and then I was like not really and then as I got close I used to have a like I tried it worked one time and that is a damaging thing when the routine works once when you always are if it works at the first time that is a terrible friend yeah it's I did it 10 times it was about how to perfectly pronounce hoban and that it ended up just being three minutes of me repeating Hoban desperately trying, because you need a tiny bit of L in there. Hoban. Give it a go.

Hoban. It's too much L. Hoban. Okay, let me try. Hoban. Oh, that's pretty good. Thank you, thank you. Because the L, like, fell out the back of it, didn't it?

Like out of the truck. Yeah, Hoban. It's tumbled out. Hoban. No, you're not. No. Can you explain the Genesis of the never thing for people who aren't as familiar

with Batman Begins as you are. So in the film Batman Begins, there's a crucial scene where Razal Gould has come back to haunt Bruce Wayne, has burnt down his manner, and Alfred saves him, takes Bruce Wayne down to the back cave.

They're in an elevator going down, and Alfred is giving him a pep talk, and he says, why do we fall, Bruce, so we can learn to pick ourselves back up? And then Bruce Wayne says, you still haven't given up on me. And then there is an interminably long pause

as Michael Kane, Alfred, looks at him and then goes, never. It is the oddest line reading. When you first announced that you were going to do a show, which was just you, because you did a viral video of you as Michael King. I think that came from chatting with YouTube. Yeah. Like, in lockdown, we were on Zoom, I guess, or something.

And I was just chatting about that scene, about how funny I found it. And I loved it because I had exactly the same kind of echolalia autism sticky thought or whatever when I watched it. And I went, how's he... No. How's he done that? Never. The delivery is so impossible to replicate. Yeah, it's wild.

So I did a video in June 2020, which was just a 90-second single shot of me in, like, a homemade costume of Alfred. which is a dressing gown and then a bit of black rope that I found as a bow tie and a white shirt and then I recorded myself trying to do that line repeatedly, getting it wrong and then the voice of Christopher Nolan

being like, cut, no, let's go again, that's wild. And it was just Michael Kane just going, never! Cut! That's wild. Let's go again, just dial it down a notch. Never! Okay, you're doing weird stuff with your throat now.

And it was that. And it went viral out of nowhere. It just totally didn't expose... It's one of those that you just post out. You're just like, oh, that's just... It's like good observational comedy because clearly people around the world have gone, yeah, that is a fucking weird.

Yeah, yeah. Including Mark Hoppers from Blink 182. Oh, really? He loved it. That's for me as a teenager being like, you're going to go viral from Batman and Blink 182 are going to like it. Don't tell me Lucy Pinder's also going to like the tweet. Whoa.

She did. Yes, your wife will like it. So, and we can't emphasize this enough. The live show is that scene being filmed over and over again with a full crew and people, different comedians playing Christopher Nolan, playing the cameraman, playing the makeup lady, playing... Yeah, so I did a fake Photoshop of me at the Palladium

doing an hour. a live version of that, which some people believed was real. I was like, that's funny, put that out, forget about it. I'd also done where, like, I'd been nominated for a BAFTA for that video. So the level that, like, when I do things and I'm, like, in something where it's surprising

that I'm in it, like, like, a small part in a sitcom or something, people go, like, when they actually watch it, go, oh, I thought you were joking when you posted that. Yeah. You've built a cage of lies for yourself. Yeah, yeah. I'm the guy who's cried wolves so many times. And now you're covered in wolves

and it's too late to do anything about it. But some people were like, oh, that would be so good to see that show. And then I asked Nish Kumar whether he would play Christopher Nolan and Monkey Barrel venue in Edinburgh called my bluff. Now, I forgot that I'd ask them.

I'd ask them in April, I sent them an email being like, oh, if you've got a one-off, I'd love to do it. And then in July, they just replied, just out of nowhere, just be like, yeah, yeah, we'll book that in for you, this date. And I was like, uh-oh. I'm going to have to say the word never for an hour over and over again

to presumably a mixture of comedians weeping with laughter and tangibly angry members of the public now here's the thing now don't get me wrong I'm not going to be up here and pretend that I haven't played to tangibly angry members of the public before but the never show

the first time we did in 2024 we've done it three times the fourth one in London next year will be the last one. I'm going to kill it so it maintains like this ephemeral air that people are like, did you see it? Yeah, I'm trying to build my own legacy here. Yeah. And then people didn't see it, they can go, never. I never saw it. Why have I said it like that? But yeah, we, the audience, it was like 80 people crammed into like a 60 seat of room in Edinburgh and it was only people who were absolutely desperate to see whatever it was. No one knew what it was.

I didn't even know what it was, even though I wrote a 60-page script of it just in case we needed something. I feel like I can picture that script. I feel like I know what's on it. Yeah. Did you literally write the word? I did copy and paste some of it.

But I was like, as an exercise, I want to explore where it could go. So I was like, in Edinburgh doing a show, but just like writing out this script and then being like, Nish, you can have a reader this, but like, obviously you're going to have some of your own ideas. Amy Gledhill played Christian Bale

who just had to keep saying, you still haven't given up on me. And then we had Chris Cantrell, her sketch partner, come in as a DP who starts fiddling with the lights. And then she has a meltdown at him. And crucially, you have to remember, this whole thing is a period piece set in 2004 when Batman Begins was filmed.

and two weeks before we did it, Sir Michael Cain tweeted out, why do we fall, so we can learn to pick ourselves up again, Batman Begin. It is on the greatest tweets of all times. It's incredible. Because he says Batman Begin instead of Batman begins.

That's tiny, tiny error makes it so much more valuable than if he got it right. And it's so funny to quote a Batman film you've been in as if you're quoting Aristotle or... Why do we fall to pick ourselves up again? Batman begin. As if the person you're talking to is going to go, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Batman do begin. Batman begin. But yeah, doing it. And like Nish is obviously a crucial part of it because he basically is in charge of the rhythm of it. of like working out when to push it in a new direction and I can't be the one that's like and that's the end he has to

find an ending to it and find an escalation but I just said to each and like Sharon when Joey was in it and Heidi Regan and I just said like Sharon you come in on 12 minutes, 26 minutes and 38 minutes and you just you're a makeup artist you're getting

food orders do whatever Heidi you're the script supervisor Chris Cantrell at 29 minutes you come in and you fiddle with a then Amy will rant at you like Christian Bale did to the DP. And then the rest of it is just whatever happens. I think this should have Arts Council funding. I genuinely...

Something should fund it. Performance art. Yeah. And like so, so detailed about something that is so impossibly obscure, a single moment on a mainstream film set in 2004. Yeah. I love it and find it so...

funny while my brain is screaming the word why over and over again. I love it. Yeah, and just think what it feels like for my mum. Yeah, hard to explain to those family friends. She's barely understood what comedy is, and how it is. Parents can struggle with the basics of normal stand-up, whereas

what you've done has created a baffling how's that going to go down among the family friends? How's just, what's you up to? He's on stage, he's saying never in a dressing gown. Yeah. When he gets paid for this, This is his job? Yeah, sort of.

I think so. Yeah, yeah. I hope so. She, until about two years ago, would always ask me whenever I was like, she was like, are you around this weekend? I was like, oh, no, I'm in Hereford or I'm in Glasgow, and she was like, oh, are you doing a gig?

Yeah, are they paying you? And I was finding it more and more frustrating. Yeah. To the level where her husband is a very lovely man, we started to gang up on her. Because she's in a choir. Say no more. And every time she's like,

oh yeah, we're going to go down to Brighton and we're singing at the Brighton Marathon, I'll go, and are they paying you? And then her husband, Lindsay, will go, no, she actually has to pay money to get on the coach to get down there. And then we're like, mum, they're taking you for a ride this choir.

You've got to be wary of these choirs. It's a pyramid scheme. Why don't you write to Netflix and ask to be on it as a choir? How much time do you have? Well, I should say as well, this sounds like a lie because I forgot to bring it down. I bought Phil a gift.

I bought him a goodbye champagne bottle. Do you want me, do I get it? Yeah, I mean, why, I mean... Up in the dressing room? Just to prove that I did it. Thank you, Stu. Stu is going to the shop to buy it now. Yeah, yeah.

Yes, just fetch it. It's the one that's... below 60 pounds. Stuart! I was very sweet of you. Well, it's very dry champagne, so maybe not that sweet. Ephrasia crane, ready you're four.

Pa, pa, pa, pa, pow. I thought I'd let my inner monologue out there after I said that way. That's what happens in my... Pows in your inner monologue? Yeah. Wow. Just like a little sarcastic.

trumpet kind of thing at the end of jokes that I make that I'm ashamed of. That sounds like the Taskmaster, um, sound up, bu, bu, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was good. Thank you. You got a very musical mouth, Philip. I do have a musical mouth, thank you.

It's about time someone said it. Yeah. Musical mouth, autistic ass. The Phil Wang story, that's my autobiography. That'll be your musical biopic. Yes, yes. Yes. Yeah, there's a heart-ranging scene.

You think an artistic-ass boy could... Different entrance. Oh, yeah, go. We can explain. We weren't podcasting. This is Phil's goodbye gift. Oh, thank you so much. There you go.

May I open it? Yeah, please. Oh, my gosh. I love... I love bottle. I love bottle. Oh, it's kind of funky because it's not got a foil cage.

No, no. It's hipster champagne. Yeah. It's urine. Is it... But it is fizzy. Is it... Is it a pet nat?

It's something along this line. It's called psyche? Yeah. Oh. Oh, this Emmeline de Sluver. Champagne, it says in there. Yeah. Or, Syke, which means it's a prank.

Yeah. Champagne. Syke. Syke. It's urine. We go, yeah. It's very, very dry champagne. It's blood.

from the champagne region. Syke. It's very dry champagne and then you open it and it's empty and dry inside and we all laugh. Literally dry. It's just like dust goes

pah! Yeah. Makes that sound. Oh, thank you so much. Beautiful. On that dry thing, there's something you said to me once that's stuck with me.

I can't stop thinking about it. I'm a vasectomied lad, right? That's how we identify. Yeah. A lady went, ow! A few others in. Unless she felt it for you. Ow!

I think we were having dinner once, and then we were just chatting about it, and then I told you about that there's two tubes. They cut the one that brings the sperm to the fluid, to stop the sperm getting out. And then you were like, what if they cut the wrong one and just clouds of sperm?

Yeah, just loose, dry sperm. And that is burned into it. It were just like poppy seeds. Being hit by like a little bit of sand. Just an awful, awful porn genre. Yeah. It's out there. Someone's making money off it if you're not.

You know something to think about. Well, thank you. I'll think about that when I open this. All the little bubbles, it'll be like little dry sperm jumping up into my nose. Thank you so much. It's a good tasting note. That's beautiful.

I could say that. When I was in the shop, because yesterday was George from George Pod's birthday, and I had, you know, 39 Guinnesses or whatever it is. I have a problem with, I have a medical condition where Guinness tastes like chocolate milk to me, genuinely. Yes, dangerous. Not kidding, it tastes like chocolate milk. And it's just like not drinking beer at all.

And I just drink it so quickly, and it's so bad for me. And that's, I was very, very hung over when I bought that. And I was in the shop. And the guy was like, oh, do you want to taste it? Actually, it's one of the ones that we have a thing and you can have a little bit. and I can't say no to free food or anything. And I didn't want alcohol, I was hung over. And I still went, yeah, great, yeah.

And, like, it would be so easy to assassinate me if you just went, would you like to try the poison? Do you like some free poison? You can just try, I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She immediately agreed, even though I didn't want it. And it was that thing where, like, I thought I got a handle on my hangover, and then as I sipped it, I went, oh, as I sipped it,

I just sweat just appeared on my face, like a ghost, just like, hmm. like just, it was like there was sweat in my body and everything in my body except the sweat took a step backwards. You know what I mean? Right, yeah. And I was like, yeah, that's lovely.

It immediately looked like I was carrying a bomb. Your body is so suffused with liquid after the pub that it's operating a one-in-one-out policy where even like a sip of new liquid has to push out. Like someone getting into a full bath, like just displacement. Yes, I see, yeah. Like, if you measured the sweat that came out,

the exact same volume as the champagne. And they would just infinitely be drinking from the same glass as the sweat went into it. Yes, with petrol lotion sheet. Oh, yeah, it's right. Oh, is right, yeah. Anyway, think about that and the sperm and the urine when you drink that.

Thank you so much. This is beautiful. 50%... Thank you. Oh, I think there's no pin on one. this 50% shot only 50,000 P. Dominion. Well, yes, this is interesting. Thank you so much. Wow. Wow. That's what you could say.

So when you buy a gift for someone that is outside of your area of expertise, but it's in their area of expertise. Terrifying. Terrifying. That feels like that's what was happening there, where it feels like, oh, actually, you got me a big old bottle of piss. There's like a word on there. You're like, ah, that's the clue. It's bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a special code word. It's like, by the way, this is deliberately bad wine. No, it's interesting. I cannot wait. It's bad wine for idiots, that's why we sell it. I love that label so nice. Thank you so much. It's a pleasure.

A pleasure. What a pleasure. Now is it time? We should do some correspondence. Yeah, let's do some correspondence. Let's hear the jingle. Ring letters. Keep the emails.

Phone call. Are you getting your sister. Keep a street. I feel. Thank you. All right. correspondence. Oh.

That wasn't planned. Everyone stepped in. We can't not hear it. It's a jingle equivalent of someone going, bupah, bup, and then you go, I have to finish it. I have to finish the little, you know, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Moon-pig, dot. Yeah. Are they still going? Moon-pick? Yeah. Yeah, they're crushing it. They're crushing it. They're crushing it.

Oh, don't you worry about the pig. They're on the footsie. He's going to... It's to the moon. He's going all the way to the moon, that pig. Cards to the moon. I always hated the jingle of a... Fuckypigeon.com.

Oh, that's a bad one. That's in there forever. Fucker pigeon.com. I have an advert from the 90s word-for-word tattooed on my brain. Oh, yeah? For, I think, Chelsea Building Society. Yeah, as a kid, you're like,

I'm going to need that in the future. I'm going to send you the link to the advert because I found it on YouTube. and it's a bunch of people sitting around a dinner table talking about how they can find more equity in their home or something. Yeah, and of course you, I said, an eight-year-old. Yeah. But also, genuinely, it was on, it was like on seven times in a row

in every ad break in cartoons. And you just think, why have you bought this ad space? Why have you done this? I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I'm learning about mortgages in the ad break. Is it the Isle of Man, though? No, no, no, like, I think Cartoon Network or maybe Nickelodeon or, I don't know. I just figured the Isle of Man that there's so few homeowners that they're just being like, to kids, being like, we need you to get in early. We need you to start living indoors.

It's a big change that we're introducing. And it's just like lines from that are just tattooed on my head, like into my brain, like funky pigeon.com jingle. Where it's just a guy saying, like, how could you get your hands on something like 100,000 pounds? And then one of the guys goes, I don't know, probably raid my savings. and your wife and kids too. They're all joking. I've got an absolute certainty. The three-tenant Kempton Park is something about a horse.

And then they do a whole explanation about how you can get all this money. And then some dickhead at the table goes, you could buy that horse of yours, let alone Beckett. That's in my head forever. On my deathbed. On my death bed. You can buy that horse of yours, let alone Beckett.

I don't know. Probably raid my savings. Sometimes when I can't get to sleep, It's because that is on a... Farniopeasim.com, that's on a loop. Your kids get there are slightly late. Like, oh, he's passed. Did he say anything?

Apparently Chelsea Building Society are really good. They have all these opinions on it. There's a brand of sliced bread in Malaysia called Gardena. And the jingle for that, it's tattooed into my brain, which is... Gardinia. So good, you can even eat it on its own. It's such a mild boast.

Okay. Unlike normal bread, which is fucking poison on its own. It turned out, you could eat it on its own because it's so full of sugar. It's just packed with sugar. It's cake. It's so sweet. It's cakes, absolutely cake.

This cake is so good you can eat it on its own. But then as a teenager, young adult, I went back to Malaysia, and they still have the same jingles, but they'd, like, updated it. And so they added, like, a little rocky riff right of the end, so that they went, Gardina

so good you can even eat it on its own and I was like no I'm old now don't mess with the classics no and I'm just realizing by the way the longer we talk that I left my phone upstairs

oh that's what's got the correspondence on it okay do you have your second sorry yeah thank you Sue this is why he's a good director this is why he's a good director we've we've

spoken before as well about how I have in my head from a trailer for a movie I never saw. The Sweetest Thing! Yes. Do you remember what movie was? Huh? Do you remember what movie was? The Sweetest Thing.

That would be, yeah. But it was just a period in my life where my brain was particularly raw and vulnerable where FunkyPigeon.com, the Sweetest Thing, and the Chelsea Building Society all just climbed in there and locked the door behind them so like nothing new and valuable could get in.

Auto Glass Repair? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Autoglass Repair. Oh, it's nice. It'd be hard to sing. Autoglass repair. Autoglass replace. Oh, it's nice.

It's a little... It sets up a little tension and resolves it. It's beautiful. It's musically perfect. Auto glass repair, auto glass replace. Thank you. Thank you, Stu. Can I say I was a bit panicked

that it wasn't your phone and then I looked at the lock screen and there's a quote in black and white from Annie Dillard and I thought that's Piers' phone. Yeah. Yeah. My fiancé says, why don't you have a background that's a picture of me?

And it's like, well, you haven't said anything about writing advice. Say something haunting in clarity about the method of writing, and I will put it on my phone. Felipe reckons actually go straight to tat attack. You guys have to face off. So turn your chair so you can't see behind. I don't want you guys cheating. I don't want you guys cheating. I think that's a good call, Felipe.

Let's get into some tap whispering. It's wine o'clock somewhere. Give me the coffee and no one gets hurt. Bless this mess. I like two things. Pals and Poseco. And I'm all out of Pazzo. One Poseco, two Presceco, three Precico, floor.

If the wife asks, I'm working. Keep calm and keep drinking tea. Tata Tuck! Lovely. Yay! Well lovely bay. I'm actually gonna get out the way. I'm gonna use the Marjorie mic for this.

I think it'd be better. So the crowd has a full view. Man, I feel like I'm a mastermind. It's good tat. Yep, it's good. It's good stuff. Yep. I really like this.

I like this alone. Feels like bullying. So, okay. Let me paint you a picture with my words. It is an informational poster directed at children. Right? The top of the poster says, and I'm going to pronounce,

the words that are capitalized at random. At the top of the poster it says, plain text, in the dining room, we, colon, and then underneath it's an acrostic piece of advice. You know, so just as an example, it would be like, A, allow people to, you know, one of those. Okay, yep. And to give you a clue for, I'm going to tell you the... It's going to be difficult. It's going to be difficult.

I'll be honest with you. So the word is raw. Wow. They are, O-A-R. Oh, okay. Raw. Like raw going down and the words going on. Exactly.

Raw's going down one side. And there is, I'm going to say, a non-copyright infringing tiger cartoon where the tiger's like got his arms folded and an eyebrow raised in that annoying Pixar sassy eyebrow way that every single kid's movie poster has on it now. And he's got his arms folded as if to say, hey, kids, I'm a cool tiger.

and I also follow the raw systems. He goes, right, okay. That's wrong. My patented Raw system. Yeah, my patented Raw system. And he is a cartoon tiger wearing a jumper with an M on it for no reason.

There is nothing to do with M. It's unclear if the M is on his jumper or a kind of M necklace. Like, yeah, he's a tiger, but it's not Tony the tiger. It's Mark the tiger. The tiger's called Mark. So, Raw. In the dining room, we,

Roar, R-O-A-R. What do you think the first R-O-A-R? What do you reckon? In the dining room, in the dining room we, and it's advice for kids. Well, it doesn't sound like it's going to be easy to guess. No, I think that's probably true. So it's R, the first R of Raw. I'll give Phil the first go as he's retiring. In the dining room we reminisce. We reminisce. We reminisce.

We love reminisce. Love memory. We love nostalgia, don't we, folks. No, it's, uh, it's, well, Stu, your, your guess, what is the... Respect? It's the right kind of vibe, that sort of thing. I was thinking of respect, definitely, yeah. It makes too much sense, respect.

It's not respect, but you're thinking... Ritculate. Ritculate. Ritculate? We reticulate. Lock it in, reticulate. Okay. Steve's gone for reticulate, which I've been.

believe means to add bendable joints, which is good. Flashback to my childhood. You can't have any dessert till you've added more bendable hinge joints to your body. We reassess. Oh. Reassess the dining situation. Reassess our order. This is good. This is your back to being the guru, I think. Always use every meal as a chance to reassess, that kind of thing.

Yes, that's it, that's it. Okay. Are you locking in reassess? Well, clearly, no, because if I got it right, everyone would be like, wow, you got a right? I think if you got it right, people would say, wow. I think people would have, they would presume you'd cheated. It's that unlikely.

Shall I tell you? Retcon. Retcon. In the dining room, we retcon. We retcon our personal histories. You always had that cousin, that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. Sure.

When you add a character to the extended family universe. Like poochie. Poochee's your cousin now. Rest. In the dining room we rest. We rest on. On? A. Rorrels.

Okay. A. R. E. Rorals. It's because it's Tiger Voice. Arorals. Yeah. Oh, I see. But he's saying it's good. In the dining room, we like to rest on.

our raw rules. Yes. The previous meals we've completed successfully. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Despite this one being a disaster, just being plain Malaysian bread. No, I'll tell you the answer, and this will help you with your guesses

for the next few. In the dining room, we are clean up after ourselves. No. Oh, my God. No. Yeah. Ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You strung us along like two perfect fools there. We are clean up after ourselves. I will say the R in clean is silent. Or perhaps they do want it to say, in the dining room, we reclean after ourselves. We re-clean, we reclean. Okay, so it's completely open then.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, pretty much. So, oh. Oh, we. What else do we do in the dining room? We owe, ask if we can leave. That's a good suggestion.

That's good, yeah. I'd say this one is quite odd advice for the dining room. I don't really understand what it means. Clean up after ourselves, we can all imagine kids doing that, get your plate, take it to the kitchen, of course. But this one, I don't really understand what they're driving at. I don't really understand what they want from us, children. Oh, man, this sounds just impossible.

But if one of you get... one of them, it's going to be fucking limbs. People are just going to be pints thrown into the air. It's going to be like that clip from the football thing. Whatever that was. Stu, what do you reckon? Oh. Do not

discuss politics, religion, and sex. Yeah, yeah, that's a good, that's good. I'll tell you the answer. It's, oh, use our time wisely. Do you see what I mean? What's that about? Wow. No, that might be about the river ooze. Do you say ooze our time wisely?

Yes, you're right. In the dining room, we ooze our time wisely. Don't waste your time pressing your fork into the tablecloth. Put it into the food. Use your time wisely at the dining table. Our time here in the dining room is limited. It is but a flash in the pan of the universe. Our time in the dining room.

Use it wisely, children. Because it's good advice for a family where the food comes with a fucking, like, a timer. You just go, right, here's your dinner. 15 minutes. That's how long you have to fucking eat this. But you're eating with your sibling maybe, and it's like chess rules. You eat, then you press the button, then they eat. You take a bite and you slam it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're like, oh, I don't know which one to eat. Yeah, while mum and dad pace silently with their arms behind their back, round and round the table. Yeah, and one of you's got like a vibrator in your butt to tell you which thing to eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. and it's a big part of the Cold War

Russia and America and if you lose you have to knock your soup bowl over you have to take it over in all for something Yeah okay A what does A stand for? So so far we've had Clean up after our clean up after ourselves Oh use our time wisely Um

A Um Um A do some research before making our electoral decisions. Yeah, nice, okay. Stu, what do you reckon? A.

Not mention people of different races to grandma. Yeah, yeah, yeah, good advice. In a way, you're right. In a sort of in a way. It's A, use manners. Use manners. Don't have manners. Use manners.

Or, as per your theory, ours manners. O's manners. A, U's manners or ours manners. But it's annoying because the first one is R, it could be, respect each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could literally have made sense. The final R, what do you think the final R

quote unquote stands for? Okay, this one is about... Don't repeat lines. Obedience. Yeah, don't repeat lines, that's good. This one is about obedience. Ah, do as you're told. Yeah, I, yeah, around that.

Stu, you want to get more specific than that? What Mum says goes. Oh! I think you should both get a point for that. I think it should be a... It's R stands for, listen to adult. Adult? Adult.

We love adult. Listen to adult. We love Adults I think that's a one one old draw We can take the scores on to the next one Take a look, turn around, have a look at this fucking thing See what I mean See what I mean about the tiger

Oh my god Why has he got an M? Why is he got an M? Does the M stand for dining etiquette? That's sensational Absolutely insane Incredible All right M tiger

Okay, eyes front, eyes front, let's go to the next one all. It's one all, we're getting to the final straight. So it's a, it's a sort of humorous one. It's a classic bigfoot silhouette. It's your classic bigfoot silhouette. What the one of him? Yeah, the one of him mid, either walking across the horizon in front of you or mid kind of fun Halloween dance.

Like, he's in the middle of a little fun dance. Looks like he's just forgotten something, he's going back in the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like he set up his iPhone to film himself dancing, and then as he was about to start dancing, it fell down. So it's classic Bigfoot silhouette,

and around it is just like a fun little slogan, which is also relating to a song. What do you think it is? Does this have something to do with Bigfoot? It's not directly related to Bigfoot. However, it is directly related to what you might imagine someone's attitude is to Bigfoot. It's a...

I'd say it's... Blank, blank, blank. Blank, blank? Yeah. And it's going around the picture. Yeah, so it's blank, blank and blank and it's one sentence. It's an instruction, you might say.

Horny for Squatch. Horny for Squatch. Okay, that's good. Horny for Squatch is solid. It's an instruction or an exaltation, a sort of... Anything is possible. Ooh, yeah, that's...

Yeah, it's pretty close. I'll give you a clue. files. Truth out there. Truth out there. Truth out there. You think it's about Bigfoot telling us that he believes in aliens.

Yes. Yeah. What else Bigfoot see? What else Bigfoot see? No planes fly here. Circle. Circle. Perfect circle.

Not everything as it seems. You should think bigger. universe infinite Bigfoot, who taught you this? Leaflets I find on floor. So yeah, X-Files. X-Files, that's your clue. What do you think, Stu?

Believe has got to be in there, right? Oh, I'll give you believe. I'll give you believe. That's a point. Trust your gut. Trust your gut. When it comes to Bigfoot. When it comes to Bigfoot, it's all vibes.

Don't believe anything he says. Time to believe. believe. No. And it's relating to a song. It's also a fun song. Oh, my God. Believe in love.

Love of Bigfoot, yes, perhaps. So, horny for Squatch was right. Horny for Squatch is quite, well. I believe one of the words? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, close. Okay. Oh.

Believe it out. Believe it out. What? Oh, like leave it out. Yeah, yeah. But it's like Sasquatch being like, oh, believe it out. He's Ozzy in this as well

I was gonna say Cockney Sasquatch Ozzy Sasquatch Yeah Just the most sunburnt ape in the world Just Bigfoot's Bigfoot's cooked corpse Has been found in Central Australia

Value Your belief I hate this game It's not belief Belief is not the word What It's not believe either It's not belief or believe

Believable No Unbelievable Unbelievable be fair, but no. Ibiza? Ibitha? Believe in ibitha?

Believe in Ibith. Just Bigfoot really thinks it's going to come back. Oh, I'm a believer? Yes, Claire. Daydream believer. And that's the song as well, so you're getting the right idea. Oh! Then I saw Bigfoot's face.

I'm going to have to, I'm going to have to, excuse what got a point. 2.1 to him, I'm going to have to say it's don't stop believing. Oh, that's not from that song. Just a small town squatch. Yeah. Don't stop believing. Don't stop. Okay, next one, Felipe.

It's 2.1 to stew. So, it says premium quality steak timer. Well done, blank, blank, medium, blank, blank, rare, blank. So how do you think we're timing the stakes here? Here in man humor world. So this is... The humor for men. So this is like a little clock thing on the dial there.

It's not a clock, it's a sort of funny bloody bloke's way of timing his bloody stakes. It's sort of why I wish I could time everything actually. That kind of thing. That kind of guy. Very much sign up in a pub where the pub has too many signs and you think who put these all up? This doesn't feel like these signs accumulated naturally over years. It feels like these signs were all put up in a single weekend. weekend by a cynical cynical pub owner

premium quality steak timer well done blank blank blank medium blank blank blank rare blank hmm hmm hmm and the Stu any ideas hang on so rare blank blank blank yeah so let's say this is not it but if it said well done five minutes

medium two minutes rare one minute it doesn't say that right but it says something like that How are these bloody legends timing their bloody stakes then? Is one like something to do with like, time it takes to get a blowjob? Ah, I see what you're doing. You're going for, um... I'm bloody how long it takes to get a blowjob from the wife. Because there's steak and blowjob day.

You're thinking of steak and blowjob day, that terrible meme. I see what you're doing. You're in the right humor zone, but it's not sexual, no. It's booze. Is it booze related? It's booze related. I'll give you a point for that, two all. So rare is one pint?

I'll give you that. It's one beer, rare is one beer. One beer, okay. I mean, I think that's pretty much you solved it, to be honest. Medium is two beers, well done as three beers. Yeah, wow. There you go. It's two all.

It's two all going into the final run. I do think that if you're like, you're supposed to cook a steak rare one minute each side. So you're just absolutely smashing a fucking pint to you. Okay, the steak's on. Horrible. Yes, chef. Yes, chef. Damn that pint, yes, chef.

I say, let's see the last one. Tiebreaker. It's two of all. Let's see the tiebreaker. This is from the venue we're in. Oh, perfect. If you guys had paid attention walking around the venue, you've already seen the sign.

You've already seen the tat. This is a Darren Brown sort of tat. So, be quick. Be quick. It says, please don't flush paper towels or anything else, apart from Lou Roll down the toilets.

It's a classic toilet sign. Yeah, we're into it's virgin trains. Virgin trains, yeah. Don't flush on your girlfriend's sweater. Disgusting. Disgusting, awful nonsense. So it's a normal sign that says that, but underneath is a bunch of hashtags, funny little hashtags.

Yes, yes. So it's hashtag blank. hashtag blank blank and then hashtag four blanks like four words I will say the last one is not a phrase I've ever come across before so what do you think the

what do you think the hashtags are and there's also a nausea emoji I'm disgusted with you if you'd flush the wrong thing down the toilet emoji I went to A. Lou before we came down and there was a sign I said on it that had one of these hashtags and it said hashtag pre-show we

really that's not on there but I read it as shablishawee but I read it as shabashashashash like a cutie word for shower. Pre-shawa. Pre-showy. Uh-oh. Oh, it's just a wee. Okay, pre-shawa.

You thought it was like, oh, like a little, a mini shower before you go into a shower. Yeah, a little cutsy-showy. That was horrible. I hate that. So here we've got three hashtags. Four. Four hashtags. And each one is a couple of words. A single word, two words, a single word, four words.

Fucking hell, man. Okay. One, two, one, four. What do you reckon? What are they hashtagging? Some of them are pretty obvious? Hash- Who? Hashtag poo?

Yeah. No, not hashtag poo. It's very much focus much more on the blocking of the toilet if you flush the wrong thing down. Right. It's not general toilet hashtags like you're allowed to put poo down, hashtag poo. Like something like hashtag overflow.

You're close. Hashtag flood. Ooh! So close. Hashtag Dayleash, hashtag uh... Waterfall. What's the problem?

What's the problem? Black tag triangle of sadness. So blockage. Hashtag blockage. Hashtag blockage. It's 3-2 to Phil. The master. Hashtag blockage.

That's the first one. Hashtag blockage? Hashtag triangle of sadness. I mean, that would make more sense than the final one, to be honest. Hashtag blockage. Hashtag sad face. Close. You're so close.

It is a kind of slightly sassy, you know, come on, guys. Sort of hashtag the next one. hashtag do better you're so close hashtag try better you're so close hashtag be better no no no not like literally better

but like you're so yeah yeah yeah yeah come on Stu Stu you're falling behind here it's difficult it's like playing football with Messi it's like playing football with Messi

Phil's not making you is that a thing if I used that right Sad Bowl you're getting the right idea Waterworks. Oh, that's nice. That's close to the one word one we're missing. It's definitely water-based.

Hashtag be kind. It's a more negatively tone than that. It's very tele-offy. Oh, hashtag no assholes. Only way to guarantee a clean loo. Only way to guarantee it. No bumholes at all. Hashtag, stop that. You're so close.

Stop. I'm going to say it's, I'll give you this, it's hashtag not cool. Oh, of course, of course. And it's not cool as well. Now I think I'm out it's not cool. It's really not cool. Come on, guys. The final one which you'll never get, the forward one, is hashtag one yank all gone. One yank all gone. One yank all gone.

A really revolting phrase, may I say. It's not a phrase that I've ever heard. And if you said it to me out of nowhere, one yank all gone. I wouldn't immediately think toilet chain. I would think genitalia. Yeah. That's life after a vasectomy. One yank, all gone.

Yeah, Chloe hates me saying that. It's a horrible thing to say after a man... If you climax as a man to go, all gone! Ongon! That's vile. That's not nice. That's vile.

So the third hashtag we have is one word. It's one word and it's very toilet-based. Hashtag flush. You got it! I knew you'd get one Out of the gate I knew you'd get one It's 4-2 The final tat attack

The final tat whispering 4-2 to Phil Wang What a game to retire on You've got to get out of the game Before your knees explode And he has All gone Hipster urine for everyone

Well done Well done guys That's the final Budpot with Phil Wang I know. Love you so much. Thank you so much for everything. It's been such a blast.

It's time for our old dad to go back to wherever it is that he's moved to, he won't tell us. So the end of saving private Ryan when Matt Damon becomes old. Yeah. I don't know. Just sort of... Someone should do an edit.

You could do this with your... I'll do it. I'll do it where Matt Damon ages at the end of saving private Ryan, but it goes too far and he becomes a skeleton and forms of this. And everyone else of the graveyard is going, ah! And with Michael Kane in her?

Yeah. Never. When will you forget seeing Matt Damon become a skeleton? Oh. Never. That's the thing I meant to say. Yeah? Right.

It's very quick. I met Hymesh Patel and he is a fan of the never videos from the beginning. He is a famous actor. He's in Nolan films. He's in the latest Nolan film, The Odyssey. He said to me,

Stuart, I need to talk to you because I sent it to the WhatsApp group and Matt Damon has watched it. Wow. That's awesome. Whoa. Wild. So we might get Matt Damon for March 6th,

2026. And he'd nail it. Yeah. It would be too good. You'd be like, I'm actually enjoying this. Acting is so good now. It's no longer funny to me. It's like this, I'm really gripped. So follow Stewart Laws on Instagram, and March 6th come to the Batman Never Show. I'll see you there. I'll be there. I'll be there. Be there, I'll be square.

Let's get addle. Let's get addle. Thank you very much, so much everyone. I love you. I'll see you soon. It's Phil Swanlup here. Give it for Phil Lang. Thank you very much for coming. Koji. Koji. Koji.