BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2e23 A Storm Of Flies

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

This week the buds discuss university pantomimes, the return of Glenn's pheromone, the worst smelling things and Croydon Halloween. *Apologies, we had issues with Pierre's video this week, we are looking into it! Email or Dm us your cryptic crossturds, altered lyrics, worm stories and more at [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram.Join the BudPod Patreon for access to the BonusPod episode every week, the GeorgePods every month, discounted and early access to live shows and more to come! Join here from £4 a month.Tickets to Pierre's Radio 4 recording here! - https://www.sroaudiences.com/application.asp?show_id=701Glenn is on tour across the UK! For tickets go to https://www.glennmoorecomedy.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 23. It's good for me. That's nice. I should have thought about this on the way there. No, but it's very positive. It's very positive. Okay. And it was quite casual.

Unless he was saying a sarcastic, again, Christian Bell sort of way. Oh, good for me. Good for me. That's the bit that's in my head the most from that rant. Ah, da, that. I don't remember that bit at all. He's doing a sarcastic impression of the guy walking across his eye line. Oh, okay.

You're just walking through the hat-da-da-da-da. Yeah, good for me would be weird in a sarcastic context. In the same way, like, if someone... Oh, good for me. If someone told you a really, really genuinely sad story in which you had a huge amount of sympathy for them, you just have big exaggerated hand gestures go, you see that?

I'm playing world's biggest fire. I've never been so devastating. Yeah, and you're like, I feel like that's... You're not being nice. I'd rather you have expressed it. Yeah, you've been quite insensitive. It's quite an indirect. gesture. I'd rather your face had done it than your violin. Yeah, you always let the violin

do the talking and that's a strange way to express yourself. It is. I'm playing the world's angriest violin. Mm. Yeah. I'm seeing you in normal clothes and the last two times I saw you you, you were not. Me? I wasn't. Yeah. What do you mean? Well, the last time I saw you was on Friday and Saturday for two separate Halloween events. Of course. Sorry, I thought, I thought, I think, I thought back to the last recording. Was I wearing like a fucked-up jacket? It was like a long night shirt. Well, I was wearing a long night shirt at the Halloween party we were at.

I was dressed like in an old lady's sort of night shirt dress thing for being the big bad wolf dressed as grandma. Yeah, I said, you look like Anne from Little Britain. And I thought it would be really funny and malicious to go around the party telling you everyone you'd come as Anne from Little Britain because it makes you look weird. And also, as though, it's a question I say, yeah, She's really scary.

It's David Williams. It's really, really frightening. So, let's go through the outfits. So Friday, you were a tree. Yeah. Now, you told me you were going as an end. Well, I said I was going as an end because there was a period in which my fiancée's plan for matching outfits wasn't going to happen. Right.

And I already had a big tree costume. Yes, and that was quite integral to her outfit. Yes. Yeah. And there's a Taylor Swift pun about her song about a penis. It's the Redwood Tree. Yeah. You came to...

Your fiancé made you come to a party as Travis Kelsey's dick. Yes, I went to someone else's penis. I think that's one of the nastiest, most toxic things I've ever heard someone doing a relationship. I think it's abusive. I've come dressed as a penis. Yeah. Whereas I went as an anatomically correct different NFL players. I went as Tom Brady's anatomically correct penis.

Yeah, and it was like a kind of scaled-up Madam Two-Swords thing. Yeah. It wasn't even like, oh, his heads poking through whatever. I couldn't see a thing. No, no, yeah. It looked like I was trapped inside a penis. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Turing my way out, yeah.

An awful costume. I could see your bare legs. So I guess you were wearing shorts in there. Yeah. But otherwise, you were encased in wax, and the back half of you was bigger because you had to have scuba air. Yeah. Yeah, and the worst thing is, like, at least you knew the person who's party it was. They didn't know me.

And I wasn't invited. Yes, that's true. It's really hard. Hadn't thought of that. Hadn't thought it was really, really difficult and they didn't like it at all. You could only have seen out of that costume if the penis had become erect, but there wasn't time to build that mechanism in. And then you would have heard of sort of telescope.

Yes, a telescope and I would have been sort of peddling away as it sort of rises slowly. Like an exercise bike powering a light bulb or something like that. Yeah, or like those things, there's old drawings where it's like a guy on a bike and that's powering a sort of flapping aircraft. Yes, yeah, yeah. balsa wood and cloth. And then you would have been able to sort of telescope.

But then it would have been very farcical and fun, because as you would turn to look at who was speaking to you, you'd knock over people and spill their drinks. Yeah, like someone holding a plank of whatever, their shoulder on a pantomime. Exactly. But worst of the characters in a pantomime. Yeah, also, especially bad on a panto when you see someone doing the plank of wood joke

on an vast stage with more than enough room. Yeah, you had so much space to not do this. Sorry, you're performing to people who have paid through the nose. Pantamines are so expensive. So expensive. Julian Clare does not demand a small fee for these things. No. And sorry, you're taking a break from the show to do some DIY.

You need to do this plastering now. Right now. That is always the bit, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, I've got to repair the stage, boys and girls. Apparently it is a thing. I was in a society at uni where I wanted to do, I really wanted to do plays. And I thought in my first semester, I maybe don't want to get involved in like a really

serious, wanky side of student theatre. Just want to do something slightly more fun. And like, the fresh is fair. there was a society that was basically like, yeah, we do pantomimes around schools in, say, sort of lower income areas of Sheffield, and we do pantomimes there because that's the only pantomime they're gonna see. And it was like, well, that sounds quite good fun. And I did that, but the guy running the society knew so much about the history of pantomimes.

You was like, every pantomime, like, legally needs a scene where they sneak up on someone, I have a, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, that's a big part of it. You have to have a, it's called, I can't remember what the name is, feel free to correct me in like the comments. It's called, it's generally called like a splosh scene. And that's the plastering. That's what the plastering, the DIY thing is. It's just a messy bit just before the interval, before, you know, the wretched fire safety curtain comes down. With like a fucking Hieronymus Bosch painting. Yes, yeah.

I hate that about theatres. A painting from... And I really don't like the theatre already. So even the bit of respite I get with the interval, I'm like, oh, it's a horrible curtain. Theatre, I've just thought of this. Pantamimes are like your, they're like designed to upset you because it's a theatre.

It's got the horrible painting. Yeah. Borrowed public domain jokes. Borrowed public domain jokes. Deliberately traditional, repeated stuff. Yeah. That kind of acting. Yeah.

no real like everyone collectively pretending that something that they're not really enjoying is good yeah and and showmanship I have said before that I do not enjoy when as much as I'm blown away by his abilities when Darren Brown pretends to get a bit wrong and he's like oh god this is embarrassing

and he pulls it out of the bag at the end I'm like you are wasting time because we know you can do this so you could have shaved off five minutes by pretending you know like stop pretending you make a mistake so when they're doing like he's behind you I'm like, like, I remember even as a kid, even as like a four-year-old, going to like, oh, wow, and little large, the double actor coming out and bringing kids up on stage and that sort of thing. And loving it, but every time I did that, he's behind you.

And all the kids are going, no, he's behind you. I think I was sort of like, listen to me. Everyone stop talking. I will just communicate with you directly what's going on. Look behind you and keep turning because that's what he's doing. He's following your turning circle. Yeah. Look behind you one way and then rapidly.

oscillate. Sir. Yeah. Take a fucking selfie. Darren Brown pretending to get things wrong at this point, he's so far into consistency. It's like, it's as insulting as people thinking that the audience in a cinema would go, maybe Tom Cruise really will die now.

Yes, yes. No, he won't. Football are pretending to be injured. Yeah, you're not. Stop it. Have you had to take the wretch to Pantas yet, surely? We're going in December. I cannot wait. First one?

First one for him. I think the third one for me, because the first time I went up to Newcastle and spent it with like, like in the sort of, the interwar years that you get, between like the 27th and 30th of December, we go to Newcastle and visit all her,

enormous extended family. And they'd always, because there's so many kids in that large family. Panto, true. We'd always go to Panto. And in Newcastle, it's really weird because their main one in Newcastle. Usually they're like, name-led.

You'd be like, oh, it's Sean Williamson. It's Barry from Eastenders is playing buttons. Yes. And someone, who was on the X Factor, they're playing like the love interest. Yeah, it's all sort of like downstream from I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here. Yes.

In Newcastle, there was like a father and son double act who were apparently so popular in one of those celeb-driven ones a few years ago. They just went, do you guys just want to write it and be in it every year? And they're fantastic. Really? It's genuinely brilliant. It's incredible. I think we did like Peter Panor a few years ago.

And it was just like the fucking crocodile. It was like this huge 3D thing that came out like above your head. And I was like, I hate how much I love this. This is so excellent. That's good. This is so excellent. Yeah, that's good. So that's the one he's going to.

We're going in a bit too heavy because I'm like, no other one will match up to these guys. The Isle of Man Panto is the one place where you will go and see topical comedy about the Isle of Man. And it always gets this gunshot-level reaction. Yeah, because it's a local MC. Yeah, but without a local comedy gig that is... I mean, there is one, but it's not like that well-known or that...

Like, it's not like everyone. goes there. Yeah, yeah. So for most of the people attending, it's like the one time of year they hear a joke about someone within 100 miles away. A guy sitting next to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy who you always see at the shops.

I guess you'd rather it there than, say, like, the London Palladium. And you're sat 20 rows back amongst 2,500 people. And out of nowhere, Stephen Moorhearn starts making jokes about what you've been up to this. Getting slagged off by buttons On my Christmas outing For doing a podcast Yeah, humiliating You see the audience are like

Confused They're not They also, they don't know who you are But he won't stop I was, I mean I was brought up on stage At the, I think it was like I don't know I don't know which pantomime this would have been

But I was brought up on stage By the double act little and large When I was like four years old And they said, what's your name? And I said, apparently I said, Glenn and they went with a hundred ends and the crowd loved it and I hated it. And I wonder if that's one of those, oh, that's why you, that's why you went into comedy. That's your duvet wife flashback scene.

Yeah, that's my, that's my Joker moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get what you fucking deserve as you shoot little and large in the head. Yeah, I was putting like the Paul O'Grady show the following week and I killed him. Apparently, yeah, apparently a child shot Lily Savage on channel 4. Mad. Yeah.

Yeah. And then you're just, you're there at 4 saying, it was funny and I'm tired of pretending it's not. I wonder if that was formative. Well, you just thought, I could have made that fucking joke. Even at 4. No, I think I was just... I'd never been on...

I've never been on stage. I'd never been in front of that many people before. Well, yeah. I always feel bad for the kids going up because they're just visibly like shitting it. humiliating you. You are creating a wild series of fetishes 15 years down the life. Like, don't do this to people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Peter Pan has become some sort of unspeakable reference point for these kids.

So, you went as a penis. Yes. Just to our friend Murray's birthday. Yeah. I was between gigs, so wasn't dressed up. And I always feel very guilty about that. You were just dressed as Glenmore, the comedian. I was dressed as Glenn Moore, the comedian. And then the next night, we were out. friend of a show, Phil Wangs.

Yes. Who's appeared on the pod before. And I wore, I'd say, an almost unspeakably niche T-shirt, but wouldn't have worked in any other context. Nisha than I thought. Yeah. Nisha than I thought it would have been. But I think the...

I knew the reference. Phil knew the reference. And thank God. And that's all that matters. Yeah, I arrived there. I'd been at a printing shop on Brick Lane like an hour beforehand. Yeah.

Hoping that they'd get this done in time. but that meme of two government workers in India shaking hands and then their friends crossed out on the side it says friendship ended with Mudaseer, now Salmon is my best friend. Yeah. I did that with friendship ended with Phil. Now Glenn is my best friend and we had Phil crossed out.

And crossed out, crucially, with kind of neon green Microsoft paint brushstrokes. Yes, my friend Bunce did some wonderful artwork in getting that over the line. And I'm very, very grateful to him because I was like, I'm gonna give you a design that you won't understand. And please just get this done.

I'll give you, name your fee, and I'll get this done. Yeah. But it was just, I mean, it's difficult enough traveling to a party wearing a t-shirt with your own face on it because you look like a weird fan of you. Yes. But also, just, it's also so dreadful when you're at a Halloween party or any fancy dress party having to explain your outfit to every single person.

And it becomes so embarrassing. It's sort of inevitable, though, because, I mean, Ed Gamble was there and he posted his incredible outfit as the... The aunt from weapons. And it was perfect. It was so good. Yeah. But also like, we were that for him, right? Because only you and me and a few other people had seen weapons. Yeah, and everyone else.

It was like, oh, you've come as... Who's the artist, cross-dressing artist? My brain's just saying Grace Kelly. It's not Grace Kelly. Grayson. Perry. There we go. I have Alzheimer's.

Congratulations. Thank you. Ed was there, but like people thought he was Grayson Perry. Grace and Perry. Yeah. Not an evil witch. Yes. Yeah. I feel pretty confident in saying witch. In weapons. Yeah. A hundred percent of a witch. Absolutely a witch. In fact, to the point where I was like, I really liked that that film was about a witch because I was like,

that's such a rare, that never comes up. You don't get that anymore. Don't get witches anymore. Yeah. I think with Halloween costumes, you're gonna have to explain it anyway. Yeah. It's a Hindu symbol. I've come just as Charlie Chaplin if he was a Hindu And also A Iowa State Trooper They have brown uniforms

Hindu Charlie Chaplin State Trooper Oh, from... Yes, from nothing. Yes. My views have nothing to do with this costume

That's a good thing to say to people I haven't... And my dog has gone as Debbie Harry. Or, yeah, or Blondie, I guess you could say, yeah. That's a good thing to say to people at Halloween party. Oh, from nothing. You'd devastate someone. Oh, like, from nothing. Yeah.

Oh, I saw that in nowhere, ever. From nothing. What's the most effort you've ever put into a Halloween costume? I mean, fucking spending money. on a t-shirt getting printed. Despite the fact it was like, I could wear a jacket over the top and I just wore normal jeans and shoes. It was fine.

I really like niche ones that needed to explain. Me and a friend at uni, it was Christmas themed. Yeah. And we went as Robson and Jerome because they had a Christmas. Who? Oh, this would have been,

yeah, you would not have been in the UK. This is one of those moments where as I had the party and someone said, Robson and Jerome, I would just go, oh! Yeah, it was. So two actors, two actors that you've seen on things, probably most recently like, I know one of them was in like an episode of Black Mirror. And they were in things like, not necessarily, but adjacent to Alfie de Zain Pet.

That was their sort of, it was, it was Robson Green and Jerome Flynn, two very sort of prominent, like, ITV actors. And out of nowhere, in the 90s, they released a cover of Unchained Melody. And it was number one for my entire. fucking life. It was insane. It was insane. Right. I think the 90s had three number one singles, and it was that fucking wet, wet, wet one from Four Weddings and a Funeral. Yeah. Then it was Unchained Melody and then it was shares comeback with... Blin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was those three every single week. And because like, so much of TV and radio was dominated in the UK by the charts. And so

Sunday night, all radio stations would play the chart. And on Friday night, if you watch like Top of the Pops, it was like they had the chart. So it was just like, you heard these songs all the time. Right. So for some reason, inexplicably, they just had this single. And then they released a Christmas song called I Think, I Believe. And it's got, the only lyric I know from it is Or Touch a Leaf, which is a weird, a weird line. But we went as just two really 90s-looking guys in Christmas jumpers.

And you know it's a bad, a niche Halloween outfit when you need to have name badges to Yeah, that's like when you have to put labels in a political cartoon. Yes, exactly. And they have to keep writing the budget underneath like a big balloon. It's, um, yeah. Um, yeah, Prime Minister choppy water. The choppy water is democracy, so democracy, yeah. So it's choppy water is in trouble.

Yeah. Oh man. So, but I, the nice thing about Robeson Jerome is we didn't need to stand next to each other because you knew, it's like Anton Dek. If you see the word Jerome or Robson, you know. No one else is called that. No one else is called that. So that was like one I took pride in of being incredibly niche.

I went as my most humiliating one, going to a, as someone who was six foot three, went as Mr. Tall to a Mr. Men themed party, painted myself entirely blue. I got there and a guy who was six foot seven had also gone as Mr. Tall. And I think we'd never met. That is the nastiest thing anyone's ever done to me. That is. That is the most unreasonable thing. I was like, you.

fucking cock. How dare you be here? That is horrendous. Isn't it? Did you do the solution that I'm thinking you did? Or do you just lean into it and go, yeah, I guess I'm Mr. Second tall? I considered just going home. And then I was like, I think traveling home alone and blue physically would be more degrading.

And I just had to wait it out. And I was like, can I just wrap myself in Lou Roll and be Mr. Bum? I was literally going to say that I would have immediately. immediately gone, I'll be back in two minutes and then just gone, all right, fine. It was utterly degrading. It was utterly degrading. And then I went back to a friend's house afterwards. And her and I, so I had to buy her housemates, or rather buy them a new, like, throw for their sofa, because I got their sofa completely blue.

What the f- really? Yeah. It just all came off. just came off. Fucking out. Yeah. I had that with... Looking back, one of the worst times of my life.

Which implies a very sheltered and fine life indeed. No, I think that kind of thing sticks in people's heads. Because you go, I don't think this has happened to anyone else tonight. Or ever. Because also you go, like, I don't think it was hubristic of me to go to a party as missed at all. No. Statistically, the stats were on your side. The stats were on my side.

And this was in Sheffield. It was in Sheffield. Famously very small. The north is shorter, I think. They weren't all from Sheffield. Yes, they were. But it does, water does something to you. Yeah.

I went to some... The Hitcher from the Mighty Bush when I was at uni, and I had to green myself for that. See, I've never seen The Mighty Bush. Oh, yeah. In my life. So that would have made... I mean, I'd understand if you...

When it's like the moon... Yes, yes. That's a bit more sort of meme, doesn't it? Yeah. Other than that, no. What else have I gone as? I mean, like... What happened with the naughties and whimsy? What was that about?

That's kind of gone now, apart from TikTok videos. Maybe that's where the whimsy reservoir is. I think it got found out. Or, like, Veril Naturals... Like Mortimer. Yeah, they were elevated and it exposed the rest of them as frauds. In the somebody you go, like, Eric Andre, you go, that is pure insanity. You were a fucking lunatic.

And that's... No one can, no one can, like, fake that. No one can, without warning, suddenly fire a blanks from a gun. Yeah. And, like, try and break in. somewhere. Yeah, whereas if you're like dipping a lump of cheese into jam and going, ooh, ooh, like, yeah, that's gonna get found out. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Although I don't think, I think the Mighty Bush was good, but I suppose in fairness, I'm ascribing

to it a kind of massive cultural dominance that it only had for me because I was a fucking nerd. Right, okay. Whereas in reality, it only got made because there was some budget left over for BBC 4 or something. Like, it's not like it was a flagship. But I remember, I remember meeting Nabu. Oh, yeah. And everyone at uni, like, losing the minds that I'd met him. And I was like, this is, this means nothing to me. And it should have done in the same way. I once, when I was in, I was walking past the Crucible, obviously, the big snooka venue.

Yeah. But also their main, like, theater. And there was a man standing outside the crucible once. And there was just a cue of people getting the photos taken with him. And I just thought, yeah, why not? I had no idea who it was. Got a picture taken with him. Put it online.

And no one knew who it was. And it was like, what was that? It must have been... To this stage, you not know who it is. No, I looked at it. Any of the big ones, like Steve Davis, none of them. Never seen this person since. That's fucking weird. I think it was just a role on effect. It was that mob mentality. We need to do an appeal. Yeah.

Oh, there'll be a very funny prank to pull on someone. You get 10 of you to all go do that to your friend, so other people start doing it and it just keeps going. Yeah, I wonder if they would, yeah. I know a lot of people who dislike Halloween because... Yeah. In the UK, we've managed to import the part of Halloween where people shoot fireworks at the police, but not the part where the entire neighbourhood

becomes a charming playground of imagination for children. Well, apparently, that's not really happening in America at the moment, because, like, you don't get suburban homes owned by people who are of having kids age. It's just full of old people now. Fuck, yeah. Everyone's renting in, like, a block of flats. So you're probably getting it within a skyscaper.

But you're not getting it on the streets, apparently. And it's like kind of emptied out. Whereas I, inexplicably, I said this before. Like, in my, in the part of London I live in, there's like a big American contingent who all go home for Christmas so they don't get the opportunity to have a big festive build-up. America Town. Yeah. You lived in America Town.

So, they go massive on Halloween. They go massive on Halloween. And as a result, my road is usually just absolutely full of just, like, the doorbell just like, the doorbell just keeps going. You have to spend about 40 pounds on suites. I panicked when I found out Katie had gotten rid of this enormous, like, mixing ball we had because I was like, what are we going to put the chocolates in? We don't have a receptacle big enough.

You know, every year we've spent so much on chocolates and also then had to like deliver room more. Fuck. Later on, because it's just, you go, because it's just, it's waves of kids. It starts at like 4pm, 5 p.m. a toddlers. And then obviously, like, up till about 12 years old. They're then like 8 p.m. But it's relentless.

And it's all very good nature and it's nice. And it's not a terrifying, like, in crying when I was a kid. It's like a real lights off all night. Do not make a fucking lot. It was like being in the road. It was like... Halloween in the UK is like the scary version of Halloween in American dystopian films.

It's the purge. Yeah. It's the purge. For one night, silly string is legal. For 24 hours, you can egg houses. For one night, shooting metal BBs at windows. Yeah, it's crazy. It's such a shame.

It's such a nice... We're moving and so I'm really gonna... I'm gonna miss the element, but I was talking to... You can't... I will say to anyone listening, the part of America town where Glenn lives, you can't really get a good burger anywhere else. So if you visit London, I recommend going to where Glenn lives. We could provide no further geographical information.

Well, it's America town. They know everyone. It's America town, yeah. Great burgers, fries, cuisine, hot dogs, you can't get them anywhere else. Just go to America town. I was saying to our friend Murray, whose birthday was on the night of Halloween, that the issue was like I came straight to, so I had a couple of gigs, side of a party, but also earlier on that evening had taken the wretch trick-or-treating. Yes.

And exactly the same thing happened as last year, which was he lost his nerve. He was dressed as a wrestler. But he lost his nerve and each door would be like, I don't want to go. Like, you do it. So we had a complete reversal where what's meant to happen is, whenever you open the door to kids, a kid is knocking on a front door, a parents at the end of a driveway just making sure. What happened this time was an adult would knock on their door and a four-year-old was stood at the foot of the driveway.

And just like, just tentatively watching. And it looked so humiliating. He was supervising me, yeah. He was making sure that you were safe. And the worst thing is, when I was like, well, he obviously is not into it. So let's go home and let's just receive trick or treaters, because that's fun because he can hand out all the chocolate. The doorbell would go and he'd be watching TV, he'd be like, you get it? And it'd be like, what part are you playing in this?

You are not involved whatsoever. And I was saying that like... You're just forcing Halloween on this. What's fucking Christmas gonna be like? What, he waits at the end of the department store, Santa Cue, while I sit on his fucking lap. And he's just going, just tell him I want to... Yeah, yeah. Just read the list.

No, no, no, like the green one. It's the green one, yeah. Just give them the list. I just look so weird. Your own kid asking, like, can I just have a ready meal? Yeah. Like, on Christmas Day. Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, it's that. It's just a refusal to really engage in what it's about, what you're meant to be, you know, you're missing the point. Get him a BB gun and a horror. Yeah, he can have a real Croydon, Croydon Halloween. Let him loose. Croydon Halloween is funny, man. I got to experience it for 18 years. Croydon Halloween is so scary. It's so scary.

It's so weird. It's just a real chill emerges. It's like, get home, close the door, fucking lights off. Let's go to the room at the furthest to the back of the house. It's so shit as well because it's like, Halloween is very scary around here. And you go, is there like a cool local monster? Yeah. It's like a cool local urban legend.

Or maybe even nearby, was there like a crazy axe murder 100 years ago tonight? And they go, no, no, just the... It's the same as everything that makes you afraid the whole year. Which is to say, like, frightening, like, kids in a big group and you have to walk past them. Or, like, really angry, kind of bald bloke shouting at you. It's all that. It's the same as whatever would scare you outside a pub.

But now it's coming to your house. Yeah, it's home delivery. Yeah. The delivery... It's delivering. It's deliver boo. We're delivering social disorder. Yeah.

To your house. Normally I have to go to that bit of waste ground to experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit behind the train track. This level of abuse from a drunk 28-year-old. Katie and I having this conversation months ago about, like, in terms of spookiness and perceived spookiness, when does a hotel get to legitimately claim it's, like, haunted? and that's a selling point.

Do you know what I mean? If you go somewhere like York, I'm booking accommodation at the moment because I'm on tour in York in January and it was like, where shall I stay? And so many of them are sort of like the most haunted hotel. But it's like if you went to like a motorway holiday inn and they were like, it's the most haunted holiday in

and you're like, why they're like, oh, a maid got like stabbed last week. You're like, oh, what? Yeah, she fully got killed, yeah. It's last week. Do you know what it is? Really recent. Really recent. But you say you can still hear her screaming

because she hasn't died here. We have the freshest guy. The freshest. Really unpleasant stuff, yeah. I think it's when you're not allowed it when the reason it's haunted is because of ongoing safety issues. Yeah. So when it's like... The case has to be closed?

A, the case has to be closed. Or cold. Or cold. But also, it can't be that... Well, yeah, because there's this thing in the hotel central locking system where all the rooms that have doors that go directly onto the car park don't lock. And you go, right, well then... It's not haunted, it's unsafe.

Yes, yeah. It's unsafe. It's a hazardous hotel. It's a hazardous hotel. So whereas if it's like, oh, it's a very old building that used to be an inn for fucking Dick Turpin or something and other highwaymen. And there was a pistol duel. Then you go, right, that's not relevant to hotel. No, but if, for instance, Fred and Rose West's house in Gloucestershire was demolished.

Yeah. And if they built a B&B on top of that, what can they say? Can they do that? No, that was the 90s. It's because it's not historical sounding to explain their crimes. Yeah. Because they go like, they filmed them and you're like,

Oh, what? With what? Yeah. Oh, an actual camera like we have now. Not even one of those like, where you put the hood over you and the flash... And the bulb breaks. Yeah, a guided tour guy can't go, The year is 1991.

Yes, yeah. Oh, well then, ugh, no. Yeah. Gina G is topping the charts. And the Soviet Union has collapsed. Jimmy Nails embarking on a solo career. It needs to be old-seeming. Yeah.

Also, the crimes before, when they're haunted, it's always like... Because also, like, the idea of, like, a guy in a cloak going around and murdering sex workers on the east end of London feels Victorian. Yes, and it's strange that, like, for instance, when I picked up his T-shirt on the day after Halloween for Phil's, I was in, like, Bethnal Green area. And sure enough, there's like, in that round sort of whitecham. There's a pub called like, Jack the Rippers or whatever, and you're like, have you read what he fucking did? Yeah. I'm just gonna go for a swift half down the old Ted Bundy.

Yeah. It's fucking insane. Yeah. Yeah. Just an, I could absolutely murder a cold one at Anders Bravix. The Yorkshire Ripper does a great roast. Yeah. I've met him.

He had me around. Yeah. It's something to do with the historiness of it. Whereas if the crime feels modern, and then crime I'm including perpetrator and victim. Yeah. So someone in a rage shooting an accountant, even if it was an 1812, sounds too modern. Yeah. It needs to be like...

Haberdasher. Exactly. Yeah. Bayoneted a haberdasher. Yeah. You go, right, past. I feel better about that. Yeah, yeah. That doesn't happen now because we don't have those objects or jobs anymore, so I feel safe.

Yeah. Whereas, yeah, I think Jack the Ripper is the exception. that proves the rule because of how fictionalized and sensationalized it. But what happens if it's a job that we don't have now, but it's still like, oh, he killed a sales assistant that phones for you. Yeah, I guess you don't have that. Yeah, it's like 20 years ago. It's getting there.

It's getting there. It should. Yeah. He was, they, they drowned him in the Harryboat Woolworths. Just a guy's head in the little thing full of eggs. Yeah. Candy hearts. And the head, it turned up, it was really expensive when they took it to check out. It's a fucking rip-off. So heavy.

Yeah. This is a complete non-secretter. We also didn't address that what you went as on a Saturday, you went as a wolf. Big Bad Wolf. And your fiance, when it's Red Riding Hill. Yes. This is such a non-saintiff. What's the worst thing you've ever smelled?

The worst thing I've ever smelled. Ooh. Like, in terms of slap in the face reaction? Or in terms of like unsettling, like, what is that? Oh. What is that? I think I'd quite like to hear both. I think, yeah.

What is that is definitely one brackets question mark. Could have been loads more dead rats in a wall. Loads of dead rats in a wall. A bunch of dead rats got in a house wall and died. When? Years ago. In Palmer's Green. I used to live up near Enfield.

Yeah. And the house was like really nice, but very old and made of wood and with lots of holes. And it just stanked dead rats. And it's this really like honky, kind of cheesy, flesh-rotting smell. Oh, shit. It's not good. And then the smell went away and then a week later there was a storm of flies. Oh my God. The flies, there were so many flies and they were buzzing so loudly in the kitchen is where they emerged.

Yeah. That when the door of the kitchen was shut, I thought someone was drilling. Like I thought someone was doing DIY. Oh man, that is... It was insane. When the first radio station I worked at with a very, very appropriate for Halloween with the murderer. Yes. One of the largest flies I'd ever seen was just...

I thought it was like a rat king of flies. I thought it was a clump of flies. It was such a profoundly loud buzz. And it hit one of those fly buzz... One of those flies up as the blue electric things. And it just crackled and crackled and crackled. And I swear to God I saw a flame. You're cooking a lamb chop.

I wouldn't have been surprised if it started to scream. And then it just... The smell just hit us. And it was awful. Really? Yeah, the fact of you could smell a dead fly. It was that big. Fly, just going fucking out.

Yeah, yeah. Because I don't think it was even killing the fly. I think it was like if you held an electric fence, like one for a cat. Fuck this! Yeah, that was... Is that your worst smell? No, you've only just dropped my memory about that one. There was a couple...

There was one where... Oh, man, in my first year at uni, I was so ashamed... Yeah. ...of an enormous bowl of cocoa pops I was eating. Because it was so... I literally used like a salad bowl, because I was so hungry. And my friend Emily came down and knocked on my door and it was like, she cannot see this. And I hid it in a drawer. And I forgot about it. And a couple of months later, out of nowhere, it just suddenly started smelling again.

It just started to smell. I was like, 18. It started to smell and I was like, what is this? And I just took it his bowl and there was just this, this just like, terrain. It was just like solidified cocoa pops. And I was like, I don't know how I do this. And I thought, I'll take it to the bin and I'll just maybe just bin the whole bowl. And I thought, actually, I'll try to break it up. And I accidentally, like, broke ground. You broke the seal. Yes, and it turned out the milk was still liquid, like, underneath it. Like, there was like, mushy, mushy, bro. And that really hit me. And I think I instantly was like, I need to be sick. That was really bad. Usually, a story is protein shake seems to be the worst one. I was about to say. I have to sell my car because I spilled a protein shake.

An old protein shake, yeah. Because it's probably for breakdown of enzymes is the same as the process of a human body decomposing. Yeah, it's just little protein strings getting decayed, but really quickly because they've been powdered. Yeah. For the sake of your little drink. So, yeah, an old protein shaker that you don't rinse out from the gym. When I was about nine years old, we got on the bus to tooting. I don't know why we were going to tooting. But the bus was pretty round.

And my mum and my sister sat together. My dad was at work. And I was the only place to sit was just next to a random woman who was like my mum's age. And then there were two elderly men like in front of us. but... elderly men dress for the pub. Like, in sports jackets, but they're not going to an event. And that is absolutely the worst smell I've ever encountered in my life.

The only thing I've really encountered since is like ammonia, like smelling saltest, like car park stairwell. Yes. Really ancient piss. Yes. Ancient piss. I was gonna say, actually, I once had to share a transport with someone who smelled like fresh, medium and ancient piss all at the same time.

But to the point where someone I was with put a scarf over their face. Like it was intolerable. They had like slicked back, gel back hair or whatever, like, but maybe in like their 80s. And the smell was unbearable. And the woman sat next to me, got up and she went and like, whispered something to my mom. And I was like, am I getting told off of this? Like, what has happened here? And I felt like, I was on the verge of tears, it smelled that bad.

I've never been sexual before. I was like, I'm gonna cry. Because I was like, the smell was so bad, I was scared of the men. It was so profoundly bad. And then when we got off the bus and I like, eventually, like, took a deep breath. My mom was like, that woman came over to me and was like, I don't want you to think I'm moving because of your son. Those men smote, I've never smote anything like that in my life.

Yeah. And she said to my mum, I've never, I've never encountered that smell since. That was like insane. You thought she was going over going, you need to scrub your son. You need to wash your son. Yeah, please wash that boy. I cannot wash this boy, this boy is my son. No, it's irrelevant. You can.

That's like, don't... Doesn't matter who. Yeah. Sometimes smells really nice in the, like, in the original context, to then become dreadful afterwards, obviously. Have you ever been to the... I mean, it's probably the only one, the fondue restaurant in London, in Soho. No, I really want to. Yeah, because it looks like, it looks like some sort of Swiss barracks or something like the 40s. It looks like it's, it looks like where Michael Fastbender fucks himself over in a glorious bastard. Absolutely. It lacks it, like German tavern.

And it's got that thing of like, well, it's already cozy, so it doesn't matter that everything is raw wood, because that's what it's like on the skiing slope. Yes, it's just raw wood. It's very alpine. Katie and I went there once because I was like, I just need to go. And also, I was, I'm fine going to restaurants on my own, like, after a gig. I have no stigma, no qualms, no, no shame about that. But fondue was a two-person job. And everything on the menu was like, brackets for two people.

Fondu on your own is a turning point. And I think that's sad. I did it when I was doing gigs in Switzerland because I was like, there is no other job. choice. Yeah. It's either this or I don't get fondue. So it's like, I will be doing that. Um, the restaurant is lovely. It's carpeted. Which is bonkers for, like, it's so strange that weather spoons is carpeted. It's got a big stink sponge. But you go of all the restaurants. It's carpeted because those tramps would slip on pints. It's an anti-tramp slipping device in Weatherspoons. Oh, do you reckon it's like spikes? They have it. Oh, man. It was just like,

because otherwise, like, how many trip and fall injuries do you think you'd have in Weatherspoons, you know? Yeah. Um, this was, uh, like, it, it was profound, such a profoundly weird decision. Yeah. To have a carpeted restaurant. And also Katie made... For the... ...katee made the mistake of wearing a jumper. And for like days, I think she got rid of the jumper. Followed around by rats. I think she got... I think she got rid of the jumper because it was like, genuinely, for days afterwards,

meanness in the nicest way possible. Like, I love more than anything else in a world. She's like a step-sister to me. Like, on the way home, it was like, we were like, you find it stitched. It was just this jumper that just smirsched had this cheese jumper. Or we had to go with her. And she like refuses to go with me again. I'm like, I want to go there again. She's like, never again.

Why would we? We know what happened. And we know how bad the restaurant smell. We can go. Yeah, I'd like to. But it's not, it's so cloying when you're in there. The air is thick with cheese. We have to go in.

You always have to crawl in. Yeah. Because the air is, the thicker air is, higher than... Yes, like in a fire. Yeah, apparently seven pure breaths of cheese will kill you. Well, that's the thing. It's not the heat of the fondue that kills you.

It's the smell. Yes, yay. That's what kills you. I have a stupid song, but I'm going to save it for the Patreon. Okay. We should do some correspondence. Yeah, let's do some correspondence. Mail, letter, post, message,

email, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, and randoms. Correspondence. while you find your correspondence. I got a... The pheromone kicked in, got told off at the weekend. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah.

For something that absolutely couldn't have been less my fault. Was on tour, arrived at the venue. And in one of the rooms of the venue was like a talk that was being given. This was like, I arrived hours before I was due on stage. So there was just a talk being given to just a small collection of like elderly people. Yeah.

And the guy who was sure... show me around to the venue. I basically sort of went, because there was a talk going on, I was like, so whereabouts are I am? Whereabouts are I going to go? And he was like, oh, yes, if a venue you want to be in is just over there. And it was like, shut up, shut up, shut up, and they get people like looking around to like look at us. Yeah. And I kept being like, so, basically, do I just go up the stairs here? It was like, yeah, just go up the stairs. And eventually the woman giving the talk when, could you both please shut up? And like, directed it at me. And it was like, this is the venue guy.

What's wrong? Generally, what's wrong with them? They behave like the people doing things in venues, like these weird ghosts that will go away. They'll go away eventually. They have no... At the fringe a couple of times, like two tech people in the middle of my show,

having a loud discussion, both of them, to be fair, not like your situation, about what was wrong with the tech desk? To the point where I'd be like, what's going on? Do this not in my show. I'm also just not in a position. I'm trying to get better. Like, I should have just gone, fuck off. All of you fuck off.

But I can't, I'm trying to, like, I think in New Year's resolution, I'll try and impose for next year. Okay. It would be to be, like, to talk back in situations I've had to defend myself more. Or be able to talk to the guy around and just be like, oh, just, there's a talk, so let's just keep us down. I think it's, well, that's what I kept saying to me, I kept saying to me, like, if we keep my voices down, sort of thing. And he just, he just kept talking at, like, an insane volume. But, yeah. It's reached a stage where I'm reading a book about like...

How to project yourself. It's, could you have authority, yeah. And it's like, it... Yeah. I'm fascinated by this. I want to know how it goes. So. Yeah.

Oh, wow. You're such a... Tricoloo. Such a cunt. Did you even get in trouble at the venue? Yes, I did. That's all true. That's all true.

Oh, always, that'd have been shitting. No, I was like, that has been in my fucking bag for weeks, and there's been no opportunity on any episode to bring this up. For the listener. It's that you do have the authority here, the Jackie Weaver book. Written by, written by Jackie Weaver herself. Written by Jackie Weaver herself. I've worked with her.

Oh, my God. It is fucking bonkers. I've only scrolled through... So, if my sister is listening, Janelle, stop listening. I'm going to get... I've got two copies and one's going to go to my sister for Christmas. Because my sister and I, every Christmas, we always give each other Captain Tom memorabilia. But it's actually getting increasingly difficult to find, like, Captain Tom based gifts online.

They're going to become expensive, yeah. Yeah, and it's really difficult. Like, well, once you bought, like, there was his kids book, and then there was his actual book. and there was a few key rings, but they're not really on sale anymore. She bought me a Captain Tom Candle that was of his face, and Katie and I lit it at once, and it just smelled a blown out birthday candle, and it wouldn't go down.

So, there's a lot of, there's a lot of cheap or knockoff candles where they're not made of the soy stuff that's like... Yeah, so it's gonna breathe it. Yeah, it's just, it's like petrol byproduct. Well, we threw it out because it was like his face isn't going... But technically, if it was a real kind of, it should have been a moment where, like, his forehead should have... Holden over his eyes.

It should have looked dreadful. But yeah, this is a self-help book, churned out. By a meme. Churned out by Jackie Weaver, but was obviously just thrown together, whatever year she got been, December 2021, was thrown together by a publisher, like, a week later. It's like, just fucking hammer this out. And even if she was like, I don't have any advice to give me, like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

This is one of the vaguest and shortest books I've ever flicked through. Fagued. It's absolutely. Let's go through it. Well, you're on the Patreon. Yes. We're running out of time. We're running out of time. Yes.

It's called, what would Jackie Weaver do is the little... Is the hashtag? The only thing that sticks in my head from that fucking abysmal little video is the guy shouting at her. Oh, yeah. Was it? He repeats. He says something like, read the rules of something or something. And then he goes, read them and understand them. But the phrase, read them and understand them. It's so funny. Don't just read them. Read them and understand them. Such a funny thing to shout.

I've had it so bonkers, online. This wasn't a secondhand copy. There's someone still selling. Fuck, man. New copies of Jackie Weaver's book. Chapter 1, The Meeting. So it's literally just... Oh yeah, but I'm glad. They have to go straight into it. Imagine if she didn't address it. But the rest of it is the most live, laugh, love. But it's the, like, whole advice chapters that are like, just be yourself. Also, it's a parish council. It's not even a council. It's a parish council.

I was so ready for an actual self-help book and also so baffled that you would read one. He sort of thought... He'd get like a Paul McKenna hypnosis thing. I don't know, yeah. One of those ones that's got a good slogan. The tour story did happen, but I was just... Finally, it was like, yes, here's the opportunity

to present you with the book. Correspondence. There's a one about the pheromone, kind of, so actually relevant. Um, Ellie says Hi, Ellie. Hello, cheeky boys. That's us. Just talking about us.

Do you think? Yeah, I hope so, yeah. Upon listening to episode 18 and hearing about Glenn's English lecturer refusing to give up firsts, I have one question. Were they French? No, no. When I was so... No, I would leave it there. Okay.

I've answered the question. Yeah, that's fair. All right. Well, thank you, Ellie. So, there you have it. That's all we've got time for. Thank you so much for listening. When I was seven, after too many glasses of wine, my parents thought it would be character building to play. pluck me from Greater Manchester and move us to rural France. Wow.

It's such a classic sort of English thing to do. The French people have nice lives, probably. Yeah. French education was definitely an adjustment, as singing and coloring in was replaced by standing on a chair and reciting your time's tables and doing laps of the playground for being insolent. Yes, I love it. Insolent boy.

Wicked. Wicked boy. One of the most baffling things was reaching secondary school and being told by teachers that getting a 20 out of 20 in any subject was reserved for God. And that 19 out of 20 was for the teacher. So the best we could ever aspire to was an 18. Now, I understand how you can game that to fuck with students in an essay. Because you can just say, well, I don't quite agree with your point.

But in like, maths, if the answer is right. Yes. So you can't lie. You can't lie. You can't lie and say 2 plus 2 isn't 4. Yeah. But maybe then there's only 18 questions. And then there's...

Do you know what I mean? The math says it's 18 questions. Yeah, great. Congratulations, you've got 18 out of 20. Well, like, at the next two, to make it 20 are like blacked out, like, characters in Mortal Kombat. You haven't unlocks? Yes, yeah, yeah. I mean, if you say, well, would this change your mind? And you slip over a little bit of paper, it says, I am God, by the way. I wasn't a bad student, but I wasn't God, so I didn't think much of it until it came to our first English assignment.

I thought I'd have it in the bag as I was a fluent English speaker and spent most of the lessons helping our teacher. When we got our results, 18 under 20, I'm not sure what I'd done wrong, so I asked these you who informed. me that my pronunciation wasn't perfect and that my broad Mancunian accent didn't make the right sounds for words like Kapal Bath, e.g. Koppel bath. Okay, yeah. I was baffled, as were my parents. And for the rest of the time at my school, I never got higher than an 18 in English. Sadly, I'm now cursed with a very nondescript accent. And I sense that I'm owed some reparations for this. So, but maybe they were raised among the French,

Ellie says as well. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Because it's such an insane rule to set. that you go, but it wasn't even like, that French one sounds aggressive. Of like, I'm sorry, child, but you were born with sin in you. Yes. And as a result, you were being punished each time. This lecturer was like under the impression. She was like, no, 2-2's like really good. And two-one's obviously like, whoa, my God, you're a genius.

And I think there's probably been like one first in the world ever. But they're still like a human being. But I think she was mistakenly under the opinion that a 2-2 in English literature would get you a job. 2-1 doesn't get you a job. A first in English list doesn't get you any job. Well, let's go to the lecturing department of the Patreon now. Thank you very much for listening, guys.

If you subscribe to the Patreon, you get an extra half hour or more episode a week and a George Potter month, and then within the Patreon, the extra levels like movie watchalongs and stuff that we're starting to introduce. So keep an eye out for that. Yes. Oh, and come and see me on tour. as well. When this goes out,

the Wedden's say this is going out is the Norwich Playhouse tonight, which is sold out. But also this week, I am in Cardiff on Sunday, and there are tickets left, I believe, at the time of recording. It'd be lovely to see you if you have a Sunday evening

free at the Cardiff Glee. Lovely and rhyming. The silence of the lambs watch-along for Tier 2 of Patreon will already have been out for two days by the time you're hearing this. So do get to that level if you're interested in watching Silence of the Lambs with me and Glenn blabbing

in your ear the whole time. I think it was very funny and it was a lot of fun to do. Separate to that, on the 15th of this month, November the 15th in London, I will be recording two episodes of my Radio 4 series. And I would love there to be a lot of pod buds in the room to balance out the randomly

selected members of the general public who like radio shows that are comedic. So do please come along to that. If you are in London on the 15th of November, free tickets. They are free. You just need to sort of submit your information into the link in the episode description. So hopefully see you guys there on the 15th November. See you guys later.

Thank you very much for listening.