BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2e24 Just Dance

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

This week the buds discuss Ronald McDonald's sabbatical, Glenn's dance, the duality of 'corporates' and of course PodBud correspondence! KOJIFull episodes now on YouTube! Watch here!*Apologies, we had issues with Pierre's video this week, we are looking into it! Email or Dm us your cryptic crossturds, altered lyrics, worm stories and more at [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram.Join the BudPod Patreon for access to the BonusPod episode every week, the GeorgePods every month, discounted and early access to live shows and more to come! Join here from £4 a month.Glenn is on tour across the UK! For tickets go to https://www.glennmoorecomedy.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod Pod 24. Do. Have you seen that? The Simpson. The Simpson. Also, a really crap dough as well. Do! Like a really horrible, like just shouting. Read out in a court.

Yeah. Doe, he said. Like Br-Oach in Tim and Eric. Brooch. I would watch a play called the indictment of Homer Simpson. where... Sentence to death. They get like a really good...

You know when you see a sort of Plexiglass model of a cartoon character? And it actually is right, in a way that a human costume would just not be. Yes. So they've got a plexiglass Homer Simpson in a... Like a witness booth.

So it looks a bit like when, you know, when Homo went 3D in that Tree House of Horror episode but no one liked. Exactly. Yeah. He's there. But it's an indictment. So I think all you do is confirm,

like, your name and like age. It's name and address usually. Yeah. I'm sort of no fixed a joke. Yeah, no fix the bold. And then that's it, and the rest of the play is just... Yeah, appearing via video link. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The rest of the play is just really serious people going through his crimes. Yes, and it's not like Lionel Harts, it's like, no, no, no, this is a lawyer, this is... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just an analysis of the character. Yeah, needlessly in-depth analysis. And he has to keep saying, uh, milady, like, the Oscar Pistorius case. Also, just like, what, 8,000 counts of child abuse for choking bar? That hasn't aged well.

That's old school. Phyma Simpson. Yeah. It's constantly like choking his child to death. Oh, sorry. I was like, what? He thought he was fucking Bard? No. No, no, no.

On hentai, yeah. On the versions of it, you watch. Well, explain these pictures I drew. Why did God make me draw these? If they're not true, God would never lie. So they have to be real. Yeah, you're right. I think that's always a really good counterpoint to do.

Then explain why I've drawn this. Where could it have come from? Yeah. Then why did I dream it then? All right? I was just telling you that I did what we call a corporate gig last night. Yes. And it was for Internet Service.

The Internet Service Providers Association Awards. Okay. The Espers. The Espers. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah. You're close to getting People want to win an I got, don't they?

Yeah, yeah. For Internet shows, Rider Awards. And then obviously for Grammy, the Oscar in the Tony. Sorry, not the Tony of a Teen Choice Award. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So people were getting their ISPERS last night, and I was sort of hosting it as best I can, host something corporate that I've researched,

but obviously I don't fully understand. I know what Internet is, I know what providers are. Yeah. I know the names of many of them to do with broadband. and fiber. You worry the jokes you're doing are patronizing to them because they go,

we know this is basic. We've made this joke in the office. This is the thing, but a couple of them I tried, had that reaction, but a couple worked out pretty well. Okay. Pretty well.

But here's how I embarrassed myself. It was in an enormous, and I always say gazebo, and I don't mean that, I mean marquee. Okay. So it's an external, it's not within a hotel.

No, do you know that near Liverpool Street is the, like a sort of castle, like a little castle for like the Honourable Artillery Company. It's like a little Tower of London thing. No. It has a massive grounds. Ever, no.

Yeah, it's just tucked away near Liverpool Street. The HACC. But it stands for the Honourable Artillery Company. Have you worked there? Felipe's done the silver service. Well, Felipe, you will know the big marquee. Yeah, it's got a massive cricket ground right there. I think so, yeah.

Because when you're backstage at corporates, you hang out with the waiters. That's it. You're all sat there and like the magicians and the dancers and for our dancers. So we're all back there. And I think what's happened is the military unit slash government thing that runs this mad old castle has gone, we've got a fucking football pitch next to Liverpool Street. It's becoming an event space. We're making money. Yeah.

So it's all set up like a huge, huge thing and a big dining hall with big heaters. And then there's like a backstage bin with little dressing rooms like a cubicles that are temporary. Oh, yeah. Like office cubicles. Yeah. Those are your dressing rooms. Yeah. And they had, like, food for staff.

And the guy was like, oh, we'll feed you here. We'll feed you back here. And I was like, yeah, yeah, great. Because, you know, like corporates that go get here at 5pm and your stage time is 10 p.m. Yeah, I always think they resent how much they're paying you. Because a corporate gig would be maybe 10 times more than you'd get for the average gig. But for a lot of comedians, like, these can be quite few and far between. So it's not a brag when we say that.

It's just sort of like, no, no, no. It's like a necessary part of the year that you hope happens. We get maybe three a year or whatever. It's feast and famine. Yes. Some people you know who just like, they'll do 60 a year and that's just what they do. And then some people just like, it's just not suited to them. But what I think they resent how much they're paying you.

So they're like, well, you can do a fucking shift then. You can get here yesterday. You can do a sound check at noon for your fucking 9pm stage time. And you can sit and think about what you've done. Yeah. And then when it gets to 9, they go, oh, no one's arrived yet. So they're going to have dinner first. Then they're going to have a thousand drinks.

And then when they're all being six. then you can go on and try and get their concentration. I know someone who is not temperamentally suited to corporates who was at a corporate where most of the audience were like mortgage providers and something. And he said to the rest of the crowd about where the mortgage providers were, don't trust these guys, they'll eat your bones. Yeah, you're hearing that at a black tie event. Being accused of being a bone eater.

A necromancy. A your work event. It's so funny. But I bet they didn't relate that word to word, like word for word when they got home. He said I'm like, I, he said we were horrible. Grind my bones, I'm a giant or something like that, yeah. How was they, yeah, to like your partner. Yeah, this guy comedian said we were all horrible.

What did he say? He said it, he said we'd eat people's bones. Like a medieval slander. Oh, yeah, we don't really say that anymore. Yeah, that's a thing. They said that it was big in the 60s. It's a nickname for a mortgage pro bone eaters. Yeah.

I mean, I had one years ago, which we. in the grounds of the Tower of London. They love to do them in grounds, don't they? And again, was in a marquee. But it was two awards ceremonies. There was an early one and a late one. So they got me to get there for 10 a.m. And the second of the award ceremonies was going to start at 10pm.

But they said, don't worry, lunch and dinner will be served. But it was like, it was like silver service. So backstage in my sort of cubicle, my sort of weird work, basically a toilet cubicle, they gave me essentially an enormous plate with one canopy on. And that was lunch. And then about seven hours later, I got given another one. And I was like, do you mind if I just leave? Because I can see the silhouette of a bugging.

And they were like, no, you really need to stay in the premises. And it was like, it isn't... You're going to go, I won't get lost. I'm not four. It's one of the smallest meals I've ever seen in my life to the extent I took a photo and occasionally I look back through my camera on and find it to laugh at it again. I imagine, remember when that was dinner. You know when they say, like, a child,

needs to be given a pea-sized amount of toothpaste. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the portion of dinner I was given. So, how was it? So you were fed a meal, like, what, like, a kind of guy who calls into LBC thinks fine dining is. Exactly that, yeah. And the sort of thing where you could legitimately go, I think someone's dropped a canopy on my empty plate. Do you know what I mean?

Like, oh, this is... It's not meant to be there. Yeah, you sort of go, I think this needs to go through the dishwasher again, because there's still a bitter food on it. You really should have rins. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Weirdly, in the dishwash, it's kind of cooked them.

And it congeals into one center, and it's got lots of ingredients. Star Trek food. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Nutrant part. It's tricky because I don't like, your, there's no menu, and so your taste is just in the hands of those people. Yeah. I mean, I'm at the time of recording, I'm in Reading tonight for a tour show, and I remember

there used to be, our agency used to run a comedy and curry night. Did you ever do this in Reading? No. But it was like a buffet, and it was great because you had this enormous buffet. but the only option was to have... I know, I did do it once. Before you went on stage. So you're like, sorry, all you can eat before I go to work.

Go on stage with all the adrenaline as well. Adrenaline and a full stomach is the worst possible combination for like the caveman that we all are. Is that sprinting when you're drunk? Yeah. If you had to run for a train when you're drunk, I'm like, this is horrible. I can feel my organs moving within me. You're only supposed to eat when you're safe.

So to have... I'm eating in a live life and hoping he doesn't turn around. And if he turns around, I have to like sprint, burping and like sloshing. Yeah. Horrible. And so this comedy and carry note, the staff rightfully agreed after a few months of this night running of it.

It's unprofessional when the comedians go out to get curry alongside the audience. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, especially if they know who you are at all, or they know you from the poster. Yeah. And the, and so one time I said, we'll get your stuff for you. What would you like? And I was like, I'm very, when it comes to Indian food, I was like, I'm easy. I trust your judgment.

I'd obviously love a plate piled high because this is free. And she came back about 10 minutes later this sort of front of house person and she went, so I've taken a bit of a risk and I've experimented. And it was like, don't do that.

Don't do that. It's all. It was a plate of chicken wings and sweet yogurt, like a dessert yogurt, just on the same, like coated it on the chicken wings and she just had to be this.

And it was like, have I said something? Sorry. Did I cunt you off? It was like a desperate, like in a cartoon where they like, oh, what can we make tonight? And they open up the fridge and there's like... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there's a satsuma and some beef and then some frosties in the fridge. And they go, I guess I'll cook these. That annoying lion eggs advert. Do you remember that? What have you got in the fridge and the camera was in the fridge? Frittata? Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Pepper. Such a fucking pre-delivero advert. Yeah. You go, what's in the fridge? You go, Domino's peaked. A phone number. A phone number. A phone is in the fridge.

The internet. The internet is in the fridge. Yeah. I did the opposite thing. So I will say about the Espos. Shout out to the Espos. And one of their awards judges, who was an old German professor, who I looked up, did some research. He turned on the first internet connection in a German university.

As in an 1889. Yeah. Like a big Christmas tree, plugging. Yeah. In Christmas movies in American. I always plug a plug into a larger plug. Yes. Is it that?

Yeah. Or was it... That will be emails. Yeah. Or he did the cutting the ribbon thing and they go, no, you've severed the internet. And also it was like free booze and I was like, shit. Because my bit was after the meal, after dinner, pudding. Always is as hell.

You just... I don't know about you. I just keep my head. But they were fine. Oh, that's the... They weren't even drunk. I know. I was genuinely, I was like, this is...

It's like every different company I had a talking to. Yeah. I mean, great for me. Mm. But I was amazed. because this is a corporate event in the UK. And the booze is free. And I was in there.

They'd been in the tent for three hours, two hour and a half. And they're fine. That sounds very, they can't have been from like the UK. Like drinking culture. I don't know. It was very strange. If you're with your boss. Big tent, though.

So maybe there was lots of like, uh-oh-noises, but they were getting lost in the fabric. Oh, great. And actually, your set wasn't being heard at all. Possibly. Very possibly. In terms of, like, bespoke material for these things about this time. last year I did like a kid's toy awards.

Yeah. Really fun gig. But it was a really sweet gesture. Everyone in the audience in the room was basically a parent. And so on the backs of everyone's chairs were little like kids rucksacks that then had loads of stuff for their own kids. Like as a gift. The gift bag was rucksacks which are like not cheap.

No, yeah. Filled with gifts. And at the end of my set, I was like, you know, you guys been lovely audience. We're moving on to the awards. By the way, I left my rucksack here earlier. Can anyone say it? And annoyingly, someone just... had and someone went, oh, I've got, yeah, and just held up an adult

rucksack that they'd found under their table. I went, yeah, we've got one here. And it was like, well, now it just looks like I've made a call for like an announcement. I'm like, with the person with the license plate, you know. And I was like, oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Are my jokes in there?

Fuck. So I had the opposite problem with you with your hors d'oeuvre plate scandal. I would never accuse the Ispers of undefeating me. No, no, no. Because I'm... It's the Ispers, after all. It's the espers. when the guy said, yeah, we'll feed you back here.

I thought he meant from the same thing as everyone else. Like, it was like, you know, silver trays and like a lady serves you on your plate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like staff meal, which I'm fine with. Yeah. So, you know, it got to like seven, seven 30, seven-ish. I had my, I queued up with my thing, my plate, and I had my thing and I ate it. And then at like 815, a very, like, stressed out waiter guy.

like, he's all silver service in there, right, Felipe. He's all dressed up, and he comes in it with like a starter in a main to my dressing room. You say great, but everyone's in the backstage area. So now it looks like I've gone, I need a shock on dinner. Shuck on dinner, please. Or I don't go on. Henry the 8th. Yeah, yeah.

I want to be burping. I want to be burping all the way through. And he came in and he went, oh, are you, are you Pierre? And I was like, yeah, and he was like, oh, I've been looking, oh, I was just trying to find you. This is your meal. And I was like, oh, it's fine. No, no, no, no. I ate already because I had like the plate next to me as well.

And he was like, oh, but I have to give it to you. And I was like, but I ate already here goes, but you eat in here, yes? And I was like, and he seems so, like, worried. Yeah. That I was like, yeah, yeah. And then he was like, oh, I'll go get the cutlery and that took ages. And like, you could definitely like smell my fabulous same meal. the people I had, like, all through the area.

Yeah. I was just, they're like, fuck, sake. And there's this three plates on my little dressing table. Oh, and it's a real, like, we want to watch you enjoy all of it. It's our grandmother's recipe. Yeah, yeah. And they're all cousins in the, all the waiters are cousins. That would have at least had a nice family atmosphere as opposed to, who's all triple plates over there? Fucking three plates.

Who's all three plates? And I managed to convince him. Everyone else has got one. We just figured you needed three. I just, I managed to convince the guy. I was like, please don't bring me dessert. Because I know it will have sparklers in. Yes. They'll be like a...

Yeah. A special treat for a sweet boy. Everyone stands on their chairs and clas. And they have to. Yeah. A few people don't. And a random guy who I've never met goes, Stand a clap! Yeah, you see someone being dragged up by the ear.

Why won't you clap it? Like, it's Kim Jong-il's funeral. ago. Insolent boy. No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. And also they're going, oh, we haven't got any matches to light the sparkling. Just give us 10 minutes, we'd just, we'd be back in a bit. Just hold this. Please don't get a sacked, I promise. Yeah, exactly. Just hold this. Oh, local newsagery is exactly the same thing. Yeah. Where they're so, they're so great, it's great community spirit for every time you go in there,

they'll be like, genuinely, anything we don't stock that you would like and you would, you know you'd regularly buy. Yeah. Let us know, we'll make sure we order it in for you. And so the shop is actually full of lots of random individual items. The one on the corner? Yeah. It's full of individual items for specific people and you go, if I buy this yogurt, am I taking away a yogurt from number 94? Is this Jerry's special? Exactly that. But what would happen is that occasionally go, you'd look around for something like baking paper or whatever. And they'd be like, you're looking for anything and you'd be like, I can't let them know what I'm looking for because if I say, just looking at it's a baking paper, they'll go, um, okay, right, well, um, god, yeah, okay, let me ring up.

There's a guy I know who makes baking paper I'll ring him up now and you go No no, no, it's 7am So don't do it No, no, I'll ring him up now He's, I hope he's asleep His wife died yesterday But I'm sure he'll

I'll ring him up and tell him You need it But Glenmore needed this now It's a hot His hands are They've seized up So making the paper is very, very sore for him His wife died in a baking paper

related accident She got covered like in a human version of rock paper scissors And she got baked on Yeah She got baked to death Yeah, he hasn't slept in weeks, and I know last night was the first night he was looking forward to getting good night's sleep, but we can wake him up. We'll wake him up.

Yeah, it's okay for you. If you need it. Yeah. That much. And you do. Because you just said, didn't you? You just said that you were looking for it. I hate that shit.

It's awful. It's awful. The horror, the fear in this guy's eyes that I wouldn't let him give me two more dinners or whatever the fuck. And I'm trying to eat like. And it was like being a Homer Simpson or in a cartoon or something. Yeah, because if you say no, he'd go, why did I just kill this chicken? And you go, well, then everyone will see me taking full plates back to the kitchen and they'll want to know what's happened. Yeah, chef says he sent it back, so we sat the chef.

Yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, and me. The chef got sat because you said you were full up and you sent your food back. You sent your food back, so we're going to have to burn this marquee down with everyone inside. It's like, no, no, no, if I, yeah, yum, yum, you know. Yeah. But look, that's why we do these events. We do it out, the kindness of our heart and not for money.

You're not getting paid tonight, are you? We're just here to celebrate these fine people who bring us all the internet. We do it for the love of the internet. Do you not do it for the love of the... We assume you do as well. You do use the internet. Don't you, sir? You're certainly on it.

Aren't you? An awful lot. I saw you Googling pictures of Susan Sarandon earlier. I know you used it. Yeah, all right. You got me. It was a joke I didn't do, which was I wanted to do a thing of like, I love your work.

I use the internet almost every day. Because it's such a stupid thing to say. And I just thought, I think that's too stupid. Almost is so funny. Yeah, almost every day. Another jingle. Great. And I've got a song from a listener.

Okay. Well, we'll save your song from a listener for the Patreon. and I'll do my jingle now. It's a thoroughly good song. Okay, let me just listen to it again. I recorded it, so I make sure I get it right. So it's a, you know, Leon? Yeah.

So it's a, it's like McDonald's went to private school. Leon. That would be, that would play as you see like their latticed chips, like falling and bouncing out of a container that is essentially a McDonald's fries container. Moroccan meatballs just thumping into the ground. Yeah, thumping. Like I've leapt off the top of a skyscraper. Yeah, yeah, someone's snapping a wrap in half, that kind of thing.

Lettuce, flying. The issue with Leon is it's just not fun enough for the locations it's in. Do you know what I mean? I just think it's sort of like, I don't think anyone's like, should we be naughty? Should we get some brown rice? Yeah. Should we get loads of rice? Should we get brown rice in a container that an iPhone comes in?

Or like a kind of an Amazon package. Yeah, yeah. I quite fancy chips and orange juice. With Korean hot mayo. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, I want a San Pellegrino, sharp acidic lemon with Korean mayonnaise and chips. That's what I would like. Yeah.

It's such a odd flavor. I want to feel like someone stabbing my teeth. I want all the biggest flavors and potato alternating. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I think... I like the weirdly healthy chicken burgers.

Those are good. Oh, I've never had a burger from there, and I probably should. That's the main event, to my opinion. If it's a burger, I'm like, we'll go in for penny and for pound. I'm at Houston Station. Burger King's right there. Second mention of Burger King today. I don't know what's happened.

What do they do... There's something they do to the meat that makes... It gives me a headache. I don't know what it is. Yeah. I think it's the cheese. Yeah? I don't think it's the meat.

I think it's the cheese. It's very saucy burgers. Well, my issue of McDonald's is a lot of it is quite dry. They're really wet burgers. And I think that's a good thing. But the extra large bacon double cheeseburger, for instance. They're wet burgers. And I think that's a good thing.

The XLDCB is... Sure. I didn't get that right. Is, yeah, I don't think it's the meat itself, because the meat is, like, seared into oblivion. It's freeze-dried and then see it. It's been scraped off tin foil. You know it has.

It's like, yeah, it's on a blackened griddle. But I'm into it. But then what happens is Burger King's like 15 pounds. It's insane. But this is it. It's almost like you could go, you sort of think, I could have like a pasta dish at a restaurant and a side for this. Whereas McDonald's you go, you can have no complaints because it's so astonishingly cheap. But here's the thing.

Every time I go to Burger King and this is a UK thing, McDonald's is dry. Although they can fix it if they want to, because I went to McDonald's in Melbourne when I was in Australia, and they were like the juiciest, least dry burgers ever. They actually had grease drip, like a burger from a restaurant.

In McDonald's. Oh, that's not right. I know. That's good, but why is it good? I don't trust that it's good. Why is that happening in Australia, not where I'm from? And to be fair,

sometimes if you get a really fresh one from McDonald's here, it achieves that level of perfection. I don't trust it. It's like when a friend of mine in halls at uni, is in a really old halls of residence that ended up closing halfway through his first year

and then opened up a newer one. He said, once him and his housemates woke up, and there was just this remarkable smell of fish and chips, just amazing. And they followed it like a cartoon character would be on a meat wind going towards a pork chop. And they just followed this fish and chips smell being like, who's got fish and chips?

And the smell of them thoroughly into a toilet. That is. Is that as if I'm reversed. Faulting. Fusion chips brackets, but not the good kind. Toilet paper is just tomorrow's fish and chips wrapping. I don't like the idea of poo is having to be wrapped. That's not nice at all.

Like a swaddled. It's so funny to me the idea of three adults being like titillated and lured hungrily to a fucking a toilet is so horrible. Yes, yeah, yeah. It's like a Looney Tunes character. That's what they do. Yeah, a weight would be dropped on them at the end of it.

That's what happened. I mean, when they realized it was a loo, how soon do you think they realized? When they hit the front door of the loo, like, well, maybe they're eating it on the toilet. Go in a bit more. You still have to look. Look, we have to open the cubicle door.

It's like in a horror film. This is where the singing is coming from. We have to open it and see if there's a little boy. If there's a little ghost boy. Yeah. Imagine the relief if they opened the cubicle door and there's steaming fresh fish and chips wrapped up on the seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, thank God. We were all nearly sick in the head. Yeah, but what's this ritual? What's this shrine going on here? And there's loads of framed pictures of a boy and candles, but then fish and chips on a toilet and you go, what happened here? There's a childish drawing of Poseidon.

It's someone trying to return the fish to the sea. Yes. Through the loo. This talk of McDonald's. Yeah. Has reminded me I dreamt an incoherent joke about McDonald's the other day. Oh, Child FM. It's an absolute child FM.

Yeah. People think it's really weird. The worst thing is I woke up being like, I must write this down. And then I read it back in the morning and was like, oh, fuck's sake. People think it's weird that I dip my McDonald's chips in milkshake. But just wait till you hear how weird my favorite milkshake flavor is. Catch up. I like dreamtiles saying that on stage.

Well, what happened in the dream? I was... I was saying it's like an empty... It was like a part of a sound check, I think. Oh. And then I woke up and it happened like ages previously in the dream, but I was like, I must write down that, because yeah, like... It's so close.

It's so close. To what being coherent. Yeah. Yeah. Because there is a pullback and reveal. Yeah. Because you're saying, you think that's weird. Well, this is even weirder, but it makes the first bit normal.

You'd have to... Because you're dipping your chips in ketchup, and that's not. normal. The idea of a ketchup milkshake is a revolt. Like, the idea of just filling up one of those big McDonald's cups with ketchup. But with essentially Pasata, right? Is what you're doing. Yes, yeah. Yeah, you'd have to rewrite it as like people think it's weird I dip my McDonald's

fries and milkshake. But to be fair, my favourite flavour of milkshake is ketchup. Yeah, maybe it's that. That could kind of... Yeah. But it is like returning to normality, which is hard. Yeah. I had a McDonald's... But I mean, like, it's... It's so close to not being childed FM.

Yeah, I'm like, well, if that's unconscious, then that's okay. It's forgivable. I had a line in a radio series years ago that really upset people that was that McDonald's has got four milkshake flavors because it's strawberry, vanilla, banana chocolate, and that's one for each of Ronald's udders. I had a joke about Ronald that only worked if you ate kind of were, some people aren't really that aware of Ronald McDonald. What do you mean? Like, because he's been so... Dormant.

Dormant. Like, penny-wise. Or like King Arthur. Yeah. He's sleeping under a big McDonald's franchise somewhere in Middle America. Yeah, and every like 27 years he comes back. Yeah, he rehatches. Yeah.

His barrow there to lie. So, just grimace being walled in with him to serve him in the afterlife. Yeah, hanging upside down. Yeah, yeah. It's a Transylvanian castle. Would you like McDonald's? we're not stopping again until we get there

this is your last chance I am some people aren't that aware of Ronald McDonald he's not as frant of mind to use some business speak as he is for us yeah and even then he wasn't really an adverts when we were kids I don't remember

I think there would be images of him effigies and restaurants murals it would be like in the Soviet Union like God they missed a couple of Trotsky statues Yeah, yeah. In lockdown, they tore down a lot of Ronald's statues, didn't they? Yeah.

In Bristol, he just went right into the river. Yeah, yeah, it's immoral. It's a moral business model. And so my joke was basically just saying, like, where's Ronald? Do you think he's like Brezhnev? Like, he died years ago, but McDonald's can't afford to admit it. And that's why you only ever see Ronald once a year on that balcony waving to all those delivery vans and trucks.

and then I would mime like, oh, dead Ronald, going like... Like waving, like this rotting Soviet dictator. It would be like, it would be... It would be destruction for the McDonald's Corporation if they admitted that Ronald McDonald's had been killed in action. Or he'd been...

Died in bed with his mistress. Yeah, yeah. When he was supposed to be cooking burgers or something. And also, I just like the idea of a massive Soviet-style military parade, but it's all like grimaces and hamburglers. Things like that. And he's just... this horrible dead clown

being like dragged inside by minders. Only people who knew who Brezhnev ever was. I think that's the bigger issue than the Ronald McDonald's thing. Massive bottleneck. Yeah, yeah. Massive bottleneck. Really terrible. People are into the law of McDonald's, but also Brezhnev.

But also Brezhnev, yeah. There's a particular person there. And I'm always trying to find them. If you're out there, you're one of mine. Yeah. We should do some VIPCO Or just regular

Oh sorry, yeah, regular co We save the VIPCO for the Vips Yeah, do sign up to the Patreon Because you get an extra episode every single week And if you sign up to the extra tier of the Patreon Then once a month You get a movie watch along Silence of a Lams one is out now

If you want to watch Silence of a Lams With us talking all over it But if on that first tier of the Patreon You also get George Pod every month as well With George Four Acres Yeah, it's true So you get George Pod once a month a free episode once a week and on the middle tier you get the watch along, which has gone down well.

People have enjoyed it. Good feedback. Good feedback. I don't know that because I'm not part of that tier. Well, you can't see it. Really? That doesn't make any... I don't know how to ask. And decided to do it in the most public forum of a reasonable. Thank you, Felipe. That's really funny. Text. Dispatches. Hello. Not non.

Correspondence. Correspondence. Correspondence from Mazz. Hello, gentlemen. A long time ago, around episode 190. Gosh. Bloody hell. You read my email.

How many episodes were in season one? Ooh. Okay. Two 50s. Right, okay. Five times 50. I'm just trying to pick up the timeline here. Yeah, we did.

Shit. Okay, so this is like coming up to like nearly two and a half years ago. Yeah. Right. You read my email out on the main part About my silly ex-boyfriend Accidentally Consuming Cling Film Wow

Yeah he swallowed a bunch of cling film As part of some micro-waved Oh, because it sucks onto the It really gets on there Yeah, it really gets on it So his food had a kind of cling film glaze, I guess, or something Yeah, I did this one, like once In lockdown, Katie and I had this sort of like

Breadded Haddock, it was really lovely dish But I said to it was it, we got up from one of those like, groucho boxes, whatever they're called. A groucho box. Yeah, it comes with glasses and a nose and a mustache and the eyebrows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's a lot funnier than the other brother meals. You get a little cigar.

Yeah. But I was like, I remember saying vividly, I was like, this tastes really, no offense to you, this tastes really papery. And then we got to the end and realized that we went back and took the packing out the bin where both had it fillets a bin and there was one bit of paper. And it was like, oh, I've eaten paper attached to a hat. I've eaten fishy paper. Yeah, I've eaten fish paper.

Fucking hell, man. I like those horrible little, like, it's like maxipads that come on the bottom of steak and fish now. Yeah, Matt Ewan's called it the beef tampon. Yeah, beef tampon. Yeah. Awful. Never pleasant to accidentally find one of those.

No, no, no, no, no. Too late in the pan. Too late in the pan. You've been frying whatever they're made from. Oh, no, he can't do the job. He's too late in the pan for that, I'm afraid. My silly ex-boyfriend accidentally consuming cling film only for it to scare him half to death,

as it emerged the next day. Oh, like a horrid balloon. Oh, no, yeah. Like evidence. Yuck. That's really bad. Oh, yeah, that's a dreadful, like, um, dirt condom. Or like having to pull out a pumped balloon out of yourself.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's what it must be like when heroin explodes in someone's stomach, you know? Yeah. And then, like, you go, well, the rest of it's going to, God, that's awful. Yeah. Okay. That plus being dead, I guess. Yeah.

I happen to be at PS excellent gig a couple of weeks later and got to meet him and Phil in the bar afterwards. Thank you for being lovely and having a little chat while my slightly embarrassed husband looked on. No worries. Phil loving the new podcast and new dad, Glenn. I come to you today with a tale of autism that I hope you will enjoy.

I'll sit this one out. Glenn hates these. My older brother and I are in our late 40s. Our little brother is much younger and is autistic. Being of South Asian descent, when my older brother and I approached our mid-20s, Our mother became obsessed with getting us married off. This involved many embarrassing activities.

Mixer events full of equally mortified young people. That's tough, hey? Like, parentally organized as well. A friend of mine... Get in there, make friends. A friend of mine in unions. Make wives. He just had constant weddings, like big family weddings after uni.

And each one, mums would introduce him to their daughters. And he was like, I've dated everyone in my town. Like, literally everyone in my town now. Like, it's been on one day. That's mad. That's man. It's absolutely bonkers. It's so like 1850s, Connecticut or something.

It's very stressful. Visits to a Manchi office run by an auntie. You know, an auntie. Yeah. Not a literal auntie. Yeah. An auntie. Where you rifle through a ring binder

full of plastic punch pockets containing profiles of potential suitors. Like an assassin. Age, height, career. 47. This next target looks rather sexy. Just, yeah, black and white photos of them getting into their car. Yeah.

You want to marry him? Yeah. Yeah, these have all been taken from quite a distance of him kissing someone else who isn't his wife. Blind often surprise setups. That's malicious. That's on, oh man. You thought you had this cubicle to yourself. Meet John.

Me, John. He's single too. Let me tell you about one such setup. With each year that passed, my mother was becoming increasingly deranged in her attempts to get Let's paired off. One afternoon, us older siblings met her at home for lunch. Our younger brother was around 10 years old then. We were unexpectedly joined by an older woman we'd never met before.

Okay. And her 20-something daughter. Ah. So just people who suddenly appeared at this home. I later learned that my mother had met them in a supermarket that morning. Fuck. That's crazy. That's crazy for a mum to meet another mum in the supermarket.

to say to the man. Can you do like 1pm? Can they, if we do that, they can get the last orders at the church at 4 p.m. For a marriage. That's when they ring the bell. Yeah. Just imagine that and two moms going, wow, so nice to meet you. Imagine if our children had met this spontaneously.

Let's make them. Yeah. Let's make them do that. Met to the supermarket that morning, presumably the two mothers sniffed out each other's mutual desperation and invited them over for a bit of food and a gander at her eligible son. During the awkward meal that followed, my older brother was visibly annoyed by the sneak attack. He ate, made his excuses, and left, while the rest of us ended up in the living room with cups of tea and emergency guest cake. And if things weren't weird enough, halfway through her tea, the older woman proudly announced that her daughter could sing.

Oh my God. She can sing, you know? This is a woman who's in her 20s, the daughter. I hate this so much. This is awful. Surely I thought no young woman would just burst into song in a stranger's living room. I was wrong. Oh my God.

We were treated to a clumsy a cappella rendition of Whitney Houston's I Have Nothing. This is like some Soviet match. Because also, the implication is here that that daughter is just as keen. Yeah. Yeah. And she's there going, she's really a jazz hand. I can sing, I can dance. I can laugh.

She's giving it Why is that allure? She's giving it the old razzle-dazzle. There's a little top hat. Fucking hell. My deep, deep second-hand embarrassment, I think this counts as first-hand embarrassment. You're in there, you know?

Growing every time she started a new verse. The relief was sadly temporary when she stopped a few moments later because then she decided to warble out a Bollywood number. I didn't know where to look. My mom was obviously baffled, but smiled politely while her mother bopped proudly along. Bopped.

Your mum is there going, oh my God, this feels like Bunny's daughter and extras. You know, you let down your audience. You never let down your... It feels like that. My little brother, 10, and as yet undiagnosed, had observed the entire afternoon with fascination. Looking back, I think it must have wreaked havoc

with the map of social engagement. He had started. He had started. He had so imperative to talk to him after us and go. There is no protocol for whatever that was. That won't or shouldn't ever happen again. Please don't start rehearsing in your head for when you have to do that. Because that's what I would have done.

We just go, I guess at some point I'm going to have to either do that or receive that. Yeah. Time to pre-plan my reactions. Trying to put a lot of energy into pre-planning my reactions. Looking back, I think it must have wreaked havoc with a map of social engagement he had started to construct in his young mind. As I sat hoping the musical surprises were done with, he piped up with, I could sing something. No, no.

This is the singing time. Yeah, okay. I did not see this coming. He started out by sort of humming the intro. I recognized it a couple of seconds in, and my stomach fully turned as he took a deep breath and sing shouted, I want to take you to a gay bar. I want to take you to a gay bar. Yo!

I've got something to put in you at the Gay Bar, Gay Bar, Gay Bar, Gay Bar, 10. Just bellowing this in a living room. I can understand it being like a 10-year-old's first single, though. Do you know what I mean? Like, the first single I ever had on fucking cassette tape was Chef's chocolate salty bowls.

Yes, yes. Oh, my God, of course. So, like, yeah, I completely get it. That was Gay Bar by Electric Six. I think he thought everyone was trying to be funny that afternoon. Yeah. Oh, I can do that badly as well, just like you did it badly. I'm a silly billy.

Yeah. If this is a fun thing where strangers come to our living room and we all just scream horrible songs at each other in a silly way. I had a colleague years and years and years ago. Yeah. Who was like, can you sing? And I just think it would be, I just said no. And then she just started singing.

She was like, I can. I mean, she started singing. And it was so cacophonous and dreadful, but I wanted to be, at the end, I wanted to be like, well, yeah, I can as well. Oh, yeah, I can do that. Well, then yes. Yeah, it's my turn now.

Can you cook? Oh, not really. Well, and then it's like burnt toast. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, I can. Yeah, I can do that. That's, yeah. I can make an accident. I can scream.

Things wrapped up pretty swiftly after that, and we never heard from them again. You'll be pleased to know we went on to marry lovely people that my mom completely disapproved of. It's okay, she's over it now. Koji Maz. that is astounding. What an absolute bullet that 10-year-old brother took, though.

You go, I think... Oh, yeah. Thank you. What a hero. Absolute hero. Like, making sure that never happen again. This has to end. Gay bar, gay bar.

Scream shouting at a 20-year-old woman who's just been singing and her mother, who you've never met either of them. I've got something to put in you. Let's start a war. You remember the video? Yeah. Abraham Lincoln on an exercise bike. Yeah, but then, like, I remember even at the time

discussing with friends, like, they'd talk about how we should start a nuclear war. Or if a radio edit was, let's stop, start a witch-witch-witch. Insane. Yeah, and you go, what other rules then? So, like, is it in case any little kids listening

start a nuclear war? Yeah. At the gay bar? How at the gay bar? But in the video, they're like, all those dildos on plinths, and they were like pixelated. Oh, yeah, I think I remember that. At the end, a train went into a tunnel.

Yeah. Yeah, toy trainment into a tunnel. I remember that much, yeah. What a strange, yeah. I should remember it better. I watched it yesterday. I should remember it better. I was watching VH1.

Have you ever been made to sing? No. On your own. No, we are not a musical family, to put it mildly. So that's never come up. I've had something worse. I think I've been made to do an impression. An impression of someone singing?

No, an impression of someone. Oh, that's on the spot, anything like that on the spot. Oh, do your impression of so-and-so or something. Yeah. I had, my God, did I ever tell you about the cider advert audition I had to do years ago? No. So I got asked to audition for a cider advert. This was, I was very, very new.

And they were, and... It's not the one Tim Kee got in the end, is it? No, no, no, no. This was so vastly different because they rang up and said, okay, so the advert is, they've stressed, you don't need to be a professional dancer and I went, right, already I don't want to do this. I don't know it.

Bair, out. Yeah, yeah. Pop in the balloon, take me out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, the voice chair has gone full 360. There's no interest here. And I was like, what do you mean? No, no, no.

I've worded that badly. What I mean is, in the advert, you're meant to sort of be moving along a road to a particular rhythm, but there's more to the advert than that. And I was like, okay. And then when, in terms of look, like, it's a lumberjack shirt sort of thing, but like, okay, but I've stressed you don't, so, you don't need to be, Norwegian. But it was like, okay, right, what are all these things? It sounds like I'm not the ideal person for this. It sounds like you want to waste your own time. Yeah, it was really,

really strange. And there's this casting agent at the time. I just think it's really good idea for you to go along to this. And it was at a dance studio is an old street. So already it was like, well, this is not. Okay. So I don't need to be able to dance. Oh, the auditions at a dance studio. They said, wear something you feel comfortable moving around in. So I wore a shirt and jeans. Because I feel comfortable moving in those. because I walk and I sit down. And that's fine. And I got that.

That is an unusually autistic interpretation from you there. But I think I was just like, I think I was like deliberately cutting on my nose to spite my face being like, I legally have followed the guidelines of what you've said. I so don't want to do this. For anyone listening, if you ever get told something you feel comfortable moving around in, you need to be able to adopt a pose where someone could conceivably see your whole gooch. That's what they mean. You need to buy your first ever vest.

I hate vests so much, I would never wear one. So, I turn into this dance studios, and they're just the most, like, simultaneously skinny and ripped guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who are all in, like, really baggy, tracky bottoms and tight black vests. Yeah. Dancers. Yeah.

They're doing stretches to get ready to do something even more dramatic than the stretches, and the stretches would kill you. So I'm like, I've been told the out. advert is a guy leaving his job at the fucking side of factory and he's making his way home. And then music plays and he's sort of moving in a particular rhythm and he says a sentence at the end. And I was like, I guess I'm just reading for the sentence at the end. They say it's time for my turn to go in. I go in and it's like the audition at the end of Billy Elliott.

It's this long walk through a dance hall at the air, like mirrors on the walls. And at the end is a panel of three people looking very serious. And they're sort of like, you know, say your name, your agent, show your hands and all that sort of thing. And they get the camera set up. And they go, and so, yeah, get warned up if you'd like. And I was like, oh, I think I'm okay. And they were like, use the bar if you'd like as well. And they pointed out like a ballet bar that you feel like.

I'm like, what is? Feel free at any point to pull your foot up to your face. We hope. We hope you'll do that. I'm like, my heart is fucking pounding. Because I'm like, what could this be other than the most humiliating situation? I've never been in. And I'm like, I just want to go, I just want to go home.

Can I just go, this isn't, I already know this isn't for me. This is such a bad idea. can I go home? And they just went, yeah, so, in your own time. And I said, what do you mean? I went, yeah, just, just dance. Completely silent room. Just dance.

What the fuck. Just dance. What the fuck? Just dance. And I like, close my eyes as hard as I possibly could. And I just tried, I was like, I don't know what my body's doing right now, but I'm just going to move up. There was no music, no music whatsoever.

Well, it's just, As your fucking office shoes squeaked on the And they went, can you clap along to the rhythm Clap along to the rhythm as well So I'm just This is just like This is hell

They're not even playing the music No music whatsoever And I've been into like auditions usually at the end It get to a new piece and they go That was great, thank you so much Completely time wasting fuck This is the first time I've ever had an intro An audition end with

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn That's yeah, thank you Like, please stop. You'd lost yourself on the music. Please stop. It was hell. It was hell. It was so degrading.

There's so little respect for the people who have to do these auditions. They never tell you the right information. They never... But it's so weird. Just dance is one of the scariest sentences have ever been given. In front of three strangers. Is that the worst audition you've done, you think? A million percent, other than the Elton John Rocket Man

when we spoke about, where the guy didn't... Turn the camera on. That one, and then one for Jurassic World years ago, where I was, like, intrigued afterwards as to who the role did go to. And I watched the movie, and the role wasn't in the film anymore. So you go, oh, I was beaten by someone who also wasn't good enough to be able. That's how badly I did. I was beaten by footage missing.

Okay, then. So, like, comfortably, that's my top three in terms of bad. Okay. I had to once, the weirdest one I ever had to do, fully like French kiss two girls on a couch for like a coffee advert. Are you sure it was a coffee advert? Absolutely. But I was like...

Was the coffee made by you, porn? I was in a relationship with time. And I couldn't remember with with with Katie, but I did have to come home at day and be like, just to let you know you. When I was out of the house for two hours earlier, I had to kiss two people for an advert. A man told me to so I did it. A man told me to that, yeah. And also he filmed me.

But they were just like, are you all comfortable doing it? It was all very, like, sensitively done, but they were, like, just fully go for it. It was so weird. That was weird. One I got to hug, uh, Ewan, not Ewan. Ewan, Ewan Blair. Ewan is the name of the actor. Uh, Big Keith from the office.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. The whole audition was us cuddling. Oh. Yeah. Again, are you sure? Again, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. We'll talk about this in the bonus pod. We'll get to the bottom of this in the bonus part. Thank you very much for listening, guys. Do sign him to the Patreon. And go see Glenn on. tour where will people be if they're listening to this on the day it's come out?

So, this is Wednesday night. You cannot see me in Oxford tonight. That is sold out. I'm sorry. But tomorrow... There might be tickets on the door. On Thursday is Cambridge. At the time of recording, I think we got about 10 returns, so I think at a time of recording, there was 10 tickets left.

Saturday, I'm in Leicester, which is sold out, but Sunday I'm in Birmingham Glee, which I don't think is sold out. Well, there's also sometimes tickets on the door, if you are a loose end in town having a pint anyway. It's always...

It's always worth trying. Otherwise, thank you very much, guys. Koji, and see you next week. Icarumbo. Icarumbo. It's horrible.