BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2e25 Mass Grave

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

This week the buds discuss Glenn's fear of Santa, Tom Cruise syndrome, the pheromone and correspondence. KOJIFull episodes now on YouTube! Watch here!Email or Dm us your cryptic crossturds, altered lyrics, worm stories and more at [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram.Join the BudPod Patreon for access to the BonusPod episode every week, the GeorgePods every month, discounted and early access to live shows and more to come! Join here from £4 a month.Glenn is on tour across the UK! For tickets go to https://www.glennmoorecomedy.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod Pod 25. And just 25 days to go until a few days before Christmas. That's exciting, isn't it? 25 days before you start your pre-Christmas screams. Which is however in your family knows that Christmas is coming, Glenn's doing his screams on the stairs. Yeah, one of the weirdest posts I have on my phone, I'll try and...

It's something along the lines of. It's a screenshot I took of someone I obviously must have gone to uni with or worked within some Saturday job years and years ago. But they would post the most shockingly mundane Facebook status and they post to a month which was like the countdown continues just 17 days to go until my

32nd birthday. What? Oh, the big three too. Oh, and 17! Guys, come on, gather in, it's nearly New Year's Eve. 17. 60. That would be so good.

That would be a way that, like, I would watch a full Knives Out style film where the detective is trying to figure out like, but when did this all start? And then it's like, it's when he started with 17. Yeah. That's when I knew I could never trust him, and I hated him, and I had to betray him. He did what? He did the New Year's ear cat down from 17.

So you're telling me he started, he said, 17, 16, and yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that is awfully strange. Because it reminded him if it's 32nd birthday. Just 17 days to go to my 32nd birthday. That's more than half a month away. Yeah, fuck. That haven't even occurred to me. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Double that is 34. It's way more than the longest month. Yeah. Fucking out. Sorry, we're not spending like a 24th of the year. Like, counting down to your big one. The three two.

Yeah. I, that is a sentence that AI couldn't write. It could have you fucked with it enough. Oh, correct. That was a weird number to count down from. Correct that in the future. AI that I've spilled milk on. And it's gone like, like an old machine.

Yeah, okay, yeah. Then it would say you start saying things like that. I mean, I don't really use chat GPT, but the worst thing is that it does remember, unless you do delete previous conversations, it remember stuff from previous conversations. I always delete, because otherwise it's like, Is that your internet?

Are you trying to set up the internet connection to look for more cheese? Don't combine these. I'll use it for mathematical sums, like trying to work out or how much would you be making per hour if you took on this job, that sort of thing. Yes. I'll use it for that where I'm like, previously,

I didn't know what to Google. And it would be one of those things you look back and go, what the fuck did I used to do back in the day? I don't know what I used to do. You used to open the calculator app and frown and delete and frown. And then go, why can't I see what I... Yeah, I can't be making 0.0.01 pence per day. dare. I've got that wrong.

And you're going, why can't I copy and paste within the calculator? It's only one space for writing. Yeah. So what it will do is it will be like, yeah, it would be. I mean, it would give you a number. It's 13.7626. So in many ways it is a bit like Mission Impossible. And you go, no, no, forget.

That was days ago. Days ago I was looking at if the Mission Impossible film was out on streaming. That was days ago. Ignore that. Good link. Yeah. It talks to me the way celebrities like talk. Tom Cruise apparently talked to, like, runners on film sets,

where they learn your name and memorize one thing about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Glenn is called Glenn and loves Mission Impossible. Yes, and so years later, it would be sort of like, Pierre, good to see you, man. Did your cousin have a nice birthday 18 years ago? Yeah. Great to hear it. Do you still choose the pecan pie option from the dessert truck that isn't there anymore

because we were filming in a valley? Do you go back to the valley, Clarice? Yeah. It's such an unsettling skill that works so well on so many people. I've seen... I've seen someone who I know who I... Me and a friend of mine both agreed that someone who he knew was like unsettling and that kind of the bad Tom Cruise way.

And I've seen them get one round by that, from the same person. It does, it's magnetic. Just going like, hey, I like your watch. And afterwards, they're like, you know what? I think we were wrong about that guy. Blood does sometimes just get on that. I love it when someone says my name out loud to me. I don't know why.

It's just, it's, maybe it's like confirmation of existence. Yeah. Like a, do, lo, lo, la, like a special. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like tinkerbell. Yeah, I love it when someone says my name in the mirror five times. You get to visit the house. And I pop in and go, oh, we will.

They say your name in the mirror five times. You appear in the bathroom. They scream they're run away. You get to have a bath. You get to have some bloody peace. Yeah. Speaking of people being summoned into your home at certain times of year, I told Katie something the other day that may just go, oh, Glenn. And it was that, when I was like five years old, I was absolutely terrified, petrified of Santa. Okay.

Because he's your first sort of running with... Burglary? No, authority. and a sort of judicial system. Of course, he's watching. He's a judge. And he's watching. He's watching.

And I used to go to bed on Christmas Eve. So scared. So scared. Because I was like, if I wake up in it, there's coal in my, there's all the presents of coal. What if he knows? Then he'll be like, because I'd be like, I can't even imagine what it might have been.

I've made him so furious. And not only that, but that will then, be how my parents find out I've been wicked and so then my parents be furious with me so I get firstly nothing for my Christmas list and everyone will be furious with me on Christmas Day and go what did you do to upset that nice old man

that's true the whole day your own parents would be like God has told us what the fuck have you done you're a piece of shit what did you do and also there's no appeals process there's no appeals process you can't write a letter saying

dear Santa Claus what was it what was it you maybe put it by the fireplace and be like two carrots this time and a glass of milk. And then you come, you come back in the morning and the carrots have been like mashed into the floor and the glass of milk has been smashed. And you're like, he's really fucked up with me. He's just a dump in front of the fireplace. Like a burglar.

Yeah. He's so angry. Yeah. So I, in a so I used to be really scared of parents evening because I'd be like, I wouldn't go. So my parents would go and I'd be like, like, Cosmic Parenting. Somewhere, conversations that are happening about me right now. And yes, there's what I think, is how I think I've done, which is like, never ever had a detention, never got told of ever. Yeah. Because I was so scared of authority.

Yeah. But yeah, if the teacher's like, he's one of the worst people I've ever met, he just disrupts every class. I've got no response to that. Because bear in mind, I had a tradition of because of the pharimo, adults acting utterly bizarrely to want you when I was a kid. For instance, must you be so wicked? Must you be so wicked.

So, of course you go, there's no logic to adults' behaviour. So why would I, like, why would this go well? You were like your entire behavioural model for the, adult world was that bit in Takeshi's castle where a big fist randomly comes through doors and knocks you into the water. Yes. Yes, exactly. Oh. Yeah. And they go, ah, idiot. And you go, what should I have done differently? Like most sort of weird. You should have worked harder to not be punched by a big fist through a door. Yeah, like those insane, like Eastern European prank shows. Yeah, yeah. But are like French, like, just for laughs or whatever. And it would be like, or someone's chased down the street of a knife. And then they take

their mask off and they point at the camera and the person, he goes, oh, wasn't I silly? And you go, no, you reacted. so well. It's not when someone throws their fist up in your face and you go, ah, you blinked and you go, good, my body's working correct. Yeah, if I didn't blink, that should be, that should be a test. But you should just keel over sideways.

Well, there should be a test when you go to A&E. Yeah. Instead of for hitting your knee thing, yeah. They should just like really just go for your dick quickly. You go, what the fuck are you doing? You're perfect, perfect. Your reflexes are perfect.

That's a doctor trying it out. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I was checking. Good reflexes. I'll write that down. No dick touching. You don't have a pen. I know I'm just using the blood from my finger.

I think, why is your finger blared? It's a scratch. It's been a long night. Yeah. A long night. I am surprised my Christmas lists weren't written in a... And if it please, your grace. Sort of tone.

Tiny Tim. Yeah, yeah. Oh, please, sir. Picking the king. It's just, we've had, but three rabbits stolen were like, an abrasive guinea fowl. So whenever I... Because like, whenever I... Your attitude to Father Christmas was like the way someone would be afraid of Caesar.

He is a God emperor. Yeah, it was exactly that. You go, like, God, I wouldn't have done well in the Old Testament days. Or you'd have done brilliantly, because that level of fear is what they want. So they would have been like, you know who does good cowering before the mighty Lord, Glenn? No, but then they do that annoying traitors thing or they go, I think it's a double bluff, and I think actually is the nastiest person we've ever had. might be martyred.

Yeah. I think it's, you know what it would be? It would depend on if God himself can smell the pheromone or not. If God can smell the pheromone, then all bets are off. Well, did God make the pheromone, or does he fear it because it's an unknowable entity? If he had no part in it, then obviously it's come from Satan. Yes. Yes.

What, yeah, does the devil have the power to create in the world? I think Manichayanism said he did? Right. Like, it's either Manichaean or Gnostic. I think it's Manichaean. There was a thing where they were like, oh, the material world was made by the devil. God didn't make like...

So it's the Matrix. Kind of. Kind of, yeah. God didn't make all the food and porn and things. Yeah. Because the devil did that. The food and the porn. On the sixth day.

All the biggest problem. Yeah, yeah. All the fun stuff. Yeah, all the fun stuff. That's what I've always said that Adam was lonely, so God removed one of his ribs so he could suck his own day. And he saw... And he saw...

And he saw that it was good. Yeah, he saw that it was excellent. And it's the only bit in the Bible that's italicized. And he saw that it was ruddy excellent. And it says, you go, I said it in like an accent. When I, so whenever I saw like a department store Santa or Santa, or Santa would, like, visit your nursery or whatever, do you know what I mean?

Like, obviously one of the people who worked at a nursery or whatever. It's like an inspection from God. Yeah. I treat it in the same way when you get overly diligent and well-behaved around a police officer. Good morning, officer. That's what I'd be like to Santa. Nothing to see here, Santa. I hope you're all well.

All the best to Mrs. Claus. All right. All right, you take care. You take care. In your deepest fears, what were you going to be punished for? Like being cheeky or like eating sweets or... That's what I mean.

And you'd go, but everyone else has done so much worse. And it'd be like, but it's different when you do it. And it makes, for some reason, it makes me really angry. That's, you know what, I, I, it's nowhere near as extreme as the pheromone, but I think especially in primary school, when you get very serious children who are like, but you have to behave or you get in trouble. And then there's the one kid that is like the proto version of a cheeky kid with charisma. Yeah. Or they're just like, they're naughty and weird, but in a way that the teacher just naturally finds very funny. Yes.

And so that's your first introduction to, oh, some people don't, can just talk their way out of trouble or. Some people can be Catwoman where you go, you're not explicitly, you're anti-hero and you're not explicitly good or baddie. Yes. Yeah, that. Yes. And simply because of your manner, you are permitted to do things that I know I... Because you're like Hillary Clinton forever. Anything you do that seems moderately bad is such a step down from the perfect governance.

Yes, I expected it of... I expected it of Hitler. I didn't expect it from you. But once you've set that bar... Yeah, that's what it is. Maybe the ideal strategy is to say to children, just be a bit of an irritating dickhead much of the time. Yes.

And you'll be so rewarded. You'll be so rich as beyond your wildest dreams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the expectations will be so low. Yeah. Yeah. I have a jingle. Oh, great.

Yeah, my first jingle on the show. Yeah. Okay. This is an advert. I wonder if you can guess what it is before I say the brand. Okay. All right. one second

I'm trying to remember the meter and I try to right is we don't enjoy it when you call Samaritans and it's like we take any phone call

we don't we don't enjoy it you have a tendency to bum us out when you ring that's a good point actually if you could say to someone I know people

have volunteered for the Samaritans but if you said to them gosh what's that like they would be like God I love it I really enjoy it you'd be like you're like

you see You can't say that. In the same way, when you go, like, what's your favorite film? And they go, I fucking love Shinders' list. Yeah, that's my monthly. But it's one of those ones where you can't say just sort of like, that was that. I'd watch it again. Like, if I, yeah, there's certain films where you go,

I wouldn't trust someone who'd watched it, like, I went straight to the cinema and watched it again. I always wonder, it's a tough, it's a tough job to do the graphic design for the Samaritan's ads. Well, it must be really tough to get a casting. We thought you looked perfect for it. You look devastated. You look exactly as sad as we need people to look for calling this number.

Well, this is, I mean, look, we have this right here. Yes, this is from Button Boys. If you're watching on YouTube, this is from Button Boys. Yeah, that guy. But that guy. But that's it. But also, like, how much do you think that they go, okay? And we're just going to get, Sarah's just going to come and she's going to work on your hair.

And, like, kind of, like, I would love to, it would be. And I mean this in a completely non-cynical way. Yeah. I would be fascinated to sit in the art design meeting and the, photoshoot. Yeah, I think they have to say like... It's not stock imagery. They go, yeah, it's a bit...

You've got a big day tomorrow. Make sure you don't get a good night's sleep. We want you to sort of hack it and exhausted. Or if you don't, is there an extensive makeup available? Yeah, do they have like a really violent version of a fluffer who just smacks you around in between? It just tells you statistics. Yeah. You go, fuck.

And then they go, great, stay like that. Yeah. To be fair, have you told me enough depressing statistics and just like, did that thing? where they'd take pictures like kind of every second. Yeah. There'd be one in there where it was, well, like, that... Oh, yeah, you just looked really sad. Yeah, and like the lighting was just right

that it made me have, like, much bigger bags under my eyes. And they'd be like, perfect, perfect. We're just going to up the contrast loads on this. Have we discussed this before? Are you allowed to do that? Are ITV allowed to do this with a political candidate they don't like? So when it comes round to, okay, it's general election, we've got to be covering the four big parties or whatever.

That whenever they, yeah, if with reform, they just sort of went, they just, we just, we just, we just distort their voice over so slightly, so we just, we just distort their voice ever so slightly, so they're going, I have a feeling, the British public. What's so like, whenever... It's like, when ever the reform candidate speaks, it's like the villain from, from Inspector Gadget. Yes.

Why is my arm metal now? But all, like, all the subtitle, all, subtitles are always unintelligible. Yeah, unclear. Or just evil, whispers in square brackets. I used to really enjoy that in like tabloids. We spoke before about how you used to have to read like tabloids growing up.

And it would be so funny the way that like, obviously completely egregious, but the way the sun, when they really got their fingers in someone and hated them, they could do no right. And it would be like, I'm innocent, he sneered. Outside his million pound house. Yes, yeah, yeah. It was including property prices. Came the grovelling apology.

And you go, why does that make it not an apology? anymore. Yeah, it was too much. It was too apologetic. Yeah, so now it actually is reversed. It goes all the way around again. It's worse actually now. You've made things worse. You've actually murdered someone again. Yeah. In my eyes, that level of apology. How about that? Yeah, maybe, because that's altering, right? But maybe they could argue they could say... Lighting isn't. You just got the light, the lights went a bit dim. Oh, if you lie, sure. Yeah. But I'm trying to think of a way where you could say, yeah, yeah, that's just how we, that's just, you know, quick of how we film. just like do like Tim and Eric crash zooms on their wet mouth

when they have a sip of water. Yes, just on their fingers. Yeah, yeah. Their fingers are going like, we're like, every time I take a sip, it's like, it's like, go. And then you dub in like after each sip. Yeah, walking away from the interview of incredibly wet footsteps. He shakes the hand, Farad shakes the hand of the interviewer, and there's a clear,

like sliding in of the hand. Yeah. And then, yeah, as he walks away, boi, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy. Yeah, because he, like, he, yeah, like, Nigel Farage claims he's a nice person. You know, you just say claimed, though, for everything that's like a positive. Minister, minister, minister.

And as they, like, rush to their ministerial car. Just, like, little farth. And then going, oh, no, oh, no. And then when they complain, go, no, sorry, it was the journalist saying that to himself because he was running after you. Sorry, that just got picked up by the mic. Yeah.

They keep a camera following them when they just excuse himself to go to the bathroom, and they go, all right, the cameraman would just... It was unclear what was going on in there. There's got to be a loophole. Midway through the interview, he rushed to the bathroom to urgently eject matter. Mortend we couldn't say. Yeah, Ben cuts to presenter outside like on a windy motorway. And it happened right outside this building.

It's unclear what went on. We are standing out stores for a reason. Why is it? As cars go past. Yeah, making candidates do their interviews in a really unsettling context in a warehouse full of dolls. You said it had to be here.

I didn't choose this. They're surrounded by dollheads. No one can pay attention to what they're saying. Because in the background, thousands and thousands of... Stacked dolls. Yeah. And someone behind it is just making the dolls move every now and then.

It's got nothing to do with the candle. Every now, then, yeah, one just turns to look at the camera. The dolls seem to really take to the reformed. He claimed to have no idea why we were surrounded by dolls. Just so distracting. Why can't you do that? I just think it's like where off-com would go. Right, there's actually nothing in writing.

We don't have a category. We don't have a category for what... This hasn't come up before. For what this is. It's like when the government tried to figure out what was legal or illegal about memes. Like, they're just like, we don't know. This is a new thing.

Exactly that. It's the issue with just like... Super injunctions only being valid for like this country. So obviously, like, in the case of the big Ryan Gig story years ago, where you go, well, actually, as a player for Manchester United, and Manchester United being one of the most international teams, because someone like Hong Kong, there's Manchester United shops. Yeah.

Like, of course that can be reported on in France. So as long as you just have access to, you know, any French newspaper or anything like that. Exactly. Then you're fine. But I thought it would be funny. And I did, like, when I was training to be a journalist, you usually will have like, um, to have like a, you have like a two camera setup of people being interviewed, like, let's say, in a field or outside a building or something like that. and you'd position the person.

So the camera, the person who's talking to, the interviewer, you make sure you're only getting the left side of her face and the interviewer you make sure you're only getting the right side of her face so you can see kind of both sides of the conversation when that's happening. And I just thought it'd be really funny once, just in the trading because I was like, none of this is being marked or assessed or anything like that, to have me interviewing someone. And then when it cut to the wide shot,

we were stood directly next to each other. They were in the same way. Like a Soviet poster. And it didn't actually get out of very, very well. Did I tell you? Did it tell you? One of those humorless people going,

oh, that's not actually how you're supposed to interview people. Did I tell you about my tea back thing? This is doing my journalism masters, and it was one of the first things they gave to us. Like, of just, look, you need to be learning how, if you're going to be doing, say, broadcast journalism on, say, TV, then you need to know how these TV cameras work and operate. And they said, just film something as if, you know, and like, someone's being interviewed on the local news about how their gas bill is going up by so much they're unsure how they're going to be able to afford it.

And obviously, that's not a very visual story because nothing's happening. And they'll just have a few shots of them opening an envelope and shaking their head. And it will cut to them making a really miserable cup of tea. Yes. Suddenly, while the voiceover happens over the top. It's just fluff.

A cup of tea that's somehow grey. Yeah, yeah. It's all like... Gray liquid. Yes, exactly. Or if it was like a gym shot and you just see like a bicep moving, like a dumbbell and then a weight beam peaked of a floor

and it's sort of like, you know, sort of like bodybuilder, you know, lifting 200 kilos, and then it cuts to an old man, and 82 years old. John from Darbyshire is one of the old, you know, that's how it would go. Or just generally, more and more Britons are spending 10% of their paychecks on gym memberships. Exactly that, so it shows people like tapping him with an oyster card or whatever. So we just had to do like fluff like that to just illuminate, you know, a piece. That was the first thing we had to do.

And so me and my friend Amy, we were just like, well, what the fuck do we? We do. We can just do anything we want. And so I got my housemate Richard at the time. I said, do you mind being in on this? We're just going to film you coming into the kitchen, our student kitchen, and you're going to make a cup of tea and you get your, you get like the tea bag and you get the milk out. And then you go to the mug shelf. Instead of looking at the mug shelf, we just cut to your hand patting the empty mug shelf and there's no mugs. And you realize there's no mugs. And so you bore the kettle anyway. And you put the tea bag in your mouth, then we'll cut you just pouring and then swelling it around.

of a teaspoon in your mouth. And we were like, crying laughing. Like, crying laughing while we were doing this. And we thought... We thought this would be... Yeah, this would be... Cup of tea and mouth.

And we had to show them one by one. And I was like, who wants to go first? And I was like, let's leave ours to last because ours is... It's really funny. The girl before us, hers was, like, her visiting

her really ill brother in the hospital. And we were like... And he did the same joke. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah. Fucker. God damn it. I can't.

Like, pull the tape. Pull the tape. So there's this heart-rending moment and it cuts to your fucking fart parade. Yeah. Do you know what's worse? That brother's fine now. So you go, on all for naught.

All that guilt for naught. He ended up recovering and being fine. Bullshit. Did you still have to show it? Yes, it was agonizing. It was agonizing because everyone was like, oh, right, you're doing a joke. Okay, right.

Yeah, typical. Yeah, we're all out here doing, you know, news, investigating crimes. Yeah. And you're there doing that. Well done. So, hope you're happy. Always go first.

Always go first. You're open. Always open. That's the thing about, like, working in comedy. You spend so much of your career in the early days of trying to get onto the comedy circuit, trying to be playing the weekend clubs. And then you start,

off in the middle and then you start opening, and then the dream is obviously to be the headliner, and the moment you become the headliner, all you do is just feel so much envy for the people who got to go on first and leave earlier. Fucking hell, because even if I're being paid like 20% less than you, you're like, I would pay that amount to go home now. And, you know, if you really fuck up your transport in London, that could be how much I end up spending to get home in 35 minutes instead of 80 minutes. Yes.

If it's an Uber versus seven buses situation. To a point where I was doing my tour show in Cambridge last night. Thank you all the cojis that were shouted out at the end. I appreciated it. But the show was at 7.30. But the venue manager came into my dressing and said, we've just got a couple of questions just for a show. So we've got the start time for 9.30.

And I went 9.30. Like, I'd lost all sense of like, well, the show isn't happening, then. We'll have to die. She'd misread the 1930 thing as that. But I was just like, I'd love. Having had a sort of like, thank you so much for having me. No, no, no. I'm all sorted.

Everything's fine in the green room. Thank you so much. The show's at 930. What? Get out! I can't Did she just flinch No I just went

What? And she went oh sorry sorry 730 And it was like Please don't do that to me I can't I want to go to bed I always want to go to bed I always want to go to bed

Yeah No one's staying up late anymore though Like it's an industry-wide thing Like Just in just in any industry Yeah Like late night stuff Especially in London

It's just crashing And like Ricky Jervais On his tours He's doing like warm-up tours Sometimes or the show time, the start time, you'd be jealous of this. Yeah. 5.30.

Why not? Why not? Like, if people have finished work, I think as well, because so many people, people aren't beholden to the 9 to 5 or the 10 to 6 anymore since lockdown. So everyone's free. And why is it better to say to someone, you knock off work between 5 and 6, say, my show's only going to start at 8, so feel free to have a dinner that will still feel kind of unnecessary and rushed,

but still won't take up. all that time. And I'll see you when you're 40 minutes into your own lull. And you'll come in and then you'll have to sit in a big uncomfortable chair for another half an hour. Yeah, I'm so grateful nearly all of my tour shows this year at 7.30 p.m. To the point where when you do get the occasional 8.31, you're like, well, why don't I kill myself? I am being robbed, personally robbed.

Yes. At a nice point. I'm doing daylight savings, loads this year for some reason. The clock is going forward. Oh, man. But yeah, when you're, if you're, yeah, if you're headlining and also if you're doing like 30, you go, I'm actually doing 50% more time than a 20 minute open. Yeah.

Not 50% more money. Yeah. It's often like you say, 50% and 20% more money. You just think, I could be home. I could be home. I could be at the only, the only curry house that's still open at this time, which means it's bad. Oh yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was disappointed to find that I'm in Sheffield, at Sheffield City Hall in January.

I'm looking forward to Keegan in Sheffield because I lived there for many years. But I was dismayed to find that a curry house I used to go to quite a bit of a student. Balty King was closed down. Balty King used to be open until five in the morning. Fucking hell. Really? Yeah. Wow. Great. Just brilliant.

Obviously, it was like you would have fragments of chickens swimming in a soup was what it was. That's what every meal was. It was bad stuff. It was bad stuff. But I was still gutted when I closed down because I was like, yes, you catered for that. You know, it was it was such a typically crap place in which is, there's always a frame photo of the manager meeting Vinnie Jones. Vinny Jones should not be in good shape. Yeah.

For how often he's in Curry House's meeting managers. Yeah. That Italian restaurant is close to where we are that's open until midnight every single night of the week. And it has to be a front. Yeah. It's open to midnight every single night of the week. the place where they always seat us is directly opposite

this huge photo of Peter Stringfellow in like a thong and you can just see the bulge of his dick and you go this is I wouldn't I can't We're seating you next to the visible

Bellin table The helmet table Yeah yeah I'd rather be next to the toilet Is he on the beach? No he's in a restaurant He's just like flashing like Mick Jagger or whatever You go

Right. How do... They weren't even here. This is a photo you found on the internet. You want to say, do you just like this? It's like the Italian restaurant. Yeah. Is this just that you like this?

Yes. He's funny. It happened in a restaurant. Yes? So maybe one day, it happened here. This is my hope. So you want me to come in and do that? Do you?

And Saga Speed does? Please. Yes. Please. Please. I will have my phone and we will take the picture it would be very nice

and my meal is then free no no no no why would this why would this be free why would it be free and he gets really really angry starts threatening you with the seven foot long pepper grinder

the fucking Indiana Jones wooden idol pepper grinder yeah whatever someone tells me a story story about a disappointing meal they had. You see that? I'm grinding.

That's world's biggest pepper grinder. What? Is that good or bad? You tell me. I had a weird dream during my A levels. You know when sometimes you're so stressed about something, your dreams stop being imaginative? And it's like your subconscious is going, I don't know what else to tell you, man. You're nervous about your exam.

I dreamt. I've failed my exam. That I'm going to do soon. But I dreamt in like a German. exam, one of a teachers was going round, you know, one of the adjudicators who just sort of march. It's the most militaristic and prison-like.

Anything you do in life is a sound of footsteps of a teacher going up and down as you'd fit in an exam form. But had this weird dream where someone was going around with an enormous pepper grinder going, do you want pepper? And me, yes, just a bit, just on my paper. And it was just smearing all my paper. And a bowl of parmesan as well

that you could put in your exam and it'd be like, I don't know if this is helping me get extra marks. What does that mean? Yeah, because the rest of it was like, I get that I'm in an exam, I know what this is about. A friend of mine did have a nightmarish situation at university where he had to leave an exam to go to the bathroom and they were like, well, we need to come,

the person needed to come into the bathroom with him to make sure he wasn't checking notes. And he just had diarrhea. So he was like, great, so the chaperone is directly outside the bathroom door. And it's just hearing, like, clattering, like, gunfire. Sounds like a Wild West film. But it sounded like he was getting, of evidence.

Do you know what I mean? Like, oh, he's flushing notes. He's, yeah. He's flushing tiny balls of notes. Yeah, he's good luck pebbles. Are those, are you flushing rungs? No, no, no. That is genuinely, I could have cheated in some of my exams with runes.

How about that? How's that for a thought? Yeah, of course. I brought my own runes. Yeah, yeah. But, like, he can't see if, like, if you've put a load of notes inside your pants. Like, why do I stand out? outside the door.

Exactly. Absolutely pointless. Absolutely pointless. Well, speaking of pointless, uh, acts of... Devilry? Of devilry.

Let's look at some correspondence. Mail, letter, post, message, email, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, and randoms. Correspondence. I've got a little...

I've got a very little sound. Okay. But I save it for the Petrail. Yes. Do sign up to our Patreon, remember. Full episode, extra episode, every single week. Not only that, but we're, I don't know, about 20 episodes or 25 episodes in. So you immediately get access to 25 full episodes of Bob Pod that you haven't heard yet.

Yeah, yeah. And the back catalogue, beyond that even. And all for the price of a fiver a month. Yeah. You could buy a fiver with that. It's less than a beer now. Yeah. Fuck.

Yeah. We live in hell. No wonder people drink in their living room. Something that 30 years ago would have been a sign for an intervention is now the standard way to live. I love it. But we've been acclimatized to it. Would we have been big pub people back in those 90s, 80s days where it seemed like everyone had to just live at the pub? Because I can communicate with my friends from the comfort of my own home.

Yeah, that's true. You'd have to delete WhatsApp to save the pub. I don't have to go into a stale, neutral space with a clanging fruit machine. Have you ever played a fruit machine? No. They are just a riddle to me. Absolutely. I don't know what they're...

Yeah. People play them like the Phantom of the Opera, the organ, and they just don't understand what they're doing. I see it as the same as someone pressing, like, symbols and a computer screen in something like Star Trek. Yes! Yeah, just something that's... None of this is...

Well, it's all obviously in a made-up language. Well, in the flashbacks in the alien franchise, where the engineers, there's blue-skinned aliens. Yes, and it gets plugged into that computer. Yeah. And you go, it's unknowable. Yes, yeah. Watermelon. Times three.

Admin, close brackets. Yeah, all right, he's doing admin. But that fruit machine makes no sense to me. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, watermelon times three. Respin. Respin just the middle one. I don't know what I should be pressing.

I don't know what the buttons do. I'm saying this is somebody who's never tried it. I've tried it a couple of times, and I sort of get, I understand the manner in which my money's being taken. Beyond that. Is it like, um, uh, I never do this for babies, but old man sensory. So it's just if you're, if you're an absolutely hammered guy in his 80s in weather spoons.

it just stops you from having a fight. They just go, once you go to the colorful blood and it feels like you're doing... It can remind you of working... It can remind you of working on the cranes. Old man sensory classes is such a funny idea

where it's just... Someone blows fag smoke in your face. Yeah. And there's a fruit machine. Yes, exactly. And there's like a mat that they can lie down and there's a sort of gyroscope above them of just pictures of Barbara Windsor

that just sort of rotate. A smelly dog. Yeah, yeah. Or cat is available. Yes, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And it plays like a little sort of like ballerina music box sort of version of like her squeezes up the junction or something. Which is Ghost Town, by the specials.

Yes, yes, yeah. Something like that. And then every now and then, yeah. There's really annoying fruit machine noises. Yeah. I was in a pub the other day where in the perfect silence of various old men drinking on their own, every now and then something near the bar just went. ring.

But like at random, every sort of minute and a half, long enough for you to think. Like someone's donated to a cam girl. Yeah. Yeah. And there's just there going, this is ruining my life. I, um, the only reason to make you that reference is I, that was a bit I kept on doing in Zoom calls and stuff with friends over lockdown. Is I would just keep on playing that sound effect and go, thank you so much, Johnny 82. Thank you so much.

Well, we both did Twitch, so we did do that. Yeah. we did that job except people could make you drink water and things instead of putting a water bottle up your ass which I guess would have been the equivalent Christmas tent from Paul great

so dear PG et al medium time listener first time writer I like that accuracy my wife and I decided to scope the local department stores to get a general feel for Christmas

trends for this year as an excuse to buy hot chocolate. Fair enough. This sounds like my least ideal day out. You're not a fan of hot chocolate or you don't like... I'll just have it. I don't need to also add a bunch of weird shopping out, man. I don't like shopping.

No, I think I like the idea of going shopping. I used to weirdly make sure I did all my Christmas shopping at Luka in Sheffield, big Meadow Hall shopping centre and in London, either of the Westfields, like one of a Saturdays in December. Really? I would deliberately get on the most busy because you'd go, doesn't get more Christmas even there.

It feels like you're in an American film. Exactly. It feels like you're the dad rushing around looking for Turbo Man or whatever the fuck. A few months before lockdown, December 2019. I was in like Macy's in New York, and it was just like, this is excellent. I don't want to buy anything.

But it's nice to pretend I'm here. Ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. Yeah. Everyone's playing Greg. Good morning, Mr. Moore. From the doorman. That's perfect. Don't talk to me like that again.

I'll have your sack. Don't say my name out loud. No one is supposed to know I live here. Yeah, I've never found inspiration for a gift by just looking around. I'm like, I've never just looked around a shop and been like, what do I think? This is perfect. My sister would like. Exactly.

You just go, I'm just going to go to Waterstones and look out for the word Grisham. I'm going to buy a book with a silhouette on it. Yeah. I'm going to buy a book with a silhouette on it. and the title and names of the book on the cover, it'll be heavily embossed, but it still is a paper bag. Yes. That's the combo.

For my mum, which ITV presenter shouldn't but does have an autobiography? Ben Shepard, perfect. Let's get that. The life of Ben Shepard. I imagine it was excellent, and he went through all the standard routes to become a TV presenter. Yes. All normal and fair.

So, in one store I passed a shelf full of tacky baubles. one of the bobbles said, in an elegant and swooping font, Santa come. Slipper sable under the laugh. Santa can't. What? It just cuts off. I didn't clock it at first. My brain just accepted it.

Well, yes, of course. Santa come. Classic. It wasn't until we got home that I realized, why would Father Christmas deposit his load into a bobble? Why would anyone choose to hang it proudly for Nan to see? What was the neighbours think? I tried to tell myself I must have just misread it,

but what was I supposed to do? Do I dare enter Santa's cum Borbill into a search engine? No, you mustn't. After a night of thinking about the logistics of this terrible act, the penny suddenly dropped. It was showing, it said Santa Cam, and the protruding lens was covering the top of the A. So it's a sort of camera ball.

Oh, I see. So he's filled in the letter. Yeah. I've done something similar. This would have been your least ideal thing on your tree as a kid. An actual camera. Yes, absolutely. Yes.

Servaites, elf on the shelf would have fucking killed me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would have killed me. I would have gone to bed at 4 p.m. every day, straight after school, just living in fear that an elf is in your room. Yeah. I have a similar thing. There's a place near me. I think it's an electronic store.

And it's called Mass Grove. And the O in the logo is a light bulb. so it isn't actually a letter, and I always read it as just Mass Grave. Yeah. Hang on. What is itself? I think it's a light bulb is in the logo, so I imagine it's like an electronic store or a light bulb store. I imagine it's Mass Grove.

But that isn't a phrase. Yeah, whereas Mass Grave. Mass Grave. It's a day-to-day. Mass Grave. Where did you get these light bulbs from? Mass Grave. We'll post a picture on the Patreon.

Yeah, I've got it on my phone. That's insane. Mass Grave, yeah. Mass Grove, that's not a term. No one's ever like, yeah, it was like, a matter, that's a forest. Exactly, a mass grove. A large orchard. A large orchard, a mass grove.

Yeah, so Santa can. But even that, that feels we're so pornographied as a society. But I feel there, I'm like, what's he putting up his dick? Go what, just tell me, what's the joke? A candy cane. Like a chlamydia test. Yeah. Jesus.

That the curve of the cane is crucial in hooking it back out again. Yes, and thank God. Yeah. Otherwise, it just looks like a dick with a straw in. Doesn't bear thinking about. It doesn't bear thinking about it. Oh, it looks like a hendu accessory. Mm.

There must be candy cane strapped dick straws for the Christmas hens. Oh, presumably, yeah, of course. Some factory in a part of China we've never heard of that has a population of 80 million in one city. We've still never heard of it. Yeah. Makes those. Oh man. What do the Chinese factory workers think of the West,

given the fucking shit they pump out? They just go, over there, they buy this. Yes. You come home from work. You grew up in China, like before it had, like you'd never see a foreigner ever. Yeah. Because you're in the 80s or 90s.

And you work in a factory, and you're like a middle-aged bloke, and you come home from your long day in the factory. Long day at the dick factory. Well, yeah. And your wife and kids are like, so wait, what's the factory making now? And you go, it seems to, yeah, be penises you drink through.

And they go, what? And you go, look, it's Westerners. I think for the most part, if you're making a penis-shaped straw, you're like, I don't know what this is. I'm a six-year-old girl. Which vision of hell do I prefer? Right, exactly. Both are horrible.

Well, oh, no, that's Vipko. We'll save that for the Patreon. I don't, do we have any Christmas tat? I don't think so. Christmas is the only time I'm willing to. The purge-esque attitude is something I have towards Christmas-esque tat. I'm like, this is the one time of year.

Just go for it. I'm really enjoying going to bars at the moment appear to have really embraced that 90s style of like lots of multicoled, garish fairy lights and tinsel. And it's very, very dark. Everything's dark, like, it's all dark and quite dreary. It makes every public darker

because those lights are so individually bright. Yes, that's true. And it feels very 90s. It's possible to photograph. Yes. Because every building looks frumpy. and I actually quite like that. I do prefer that.

I was just thinking, like, I need to say to Joe, if we're going to go all Christmassy, I want reds and greens in there. Too often, it's just like white, silver and gold. That's been the recent trend of the last five years. Very classy. A very slithering Christmas.

Yeah, it's very Malania Trump's attitude. Yes. Yes, so that haunting corridor. Yeah, it was like something out of hereditary. Dead white trees. It's like something from Narnia. Yeah, really, really shit. Yes.

That weird phase about 10 years ago of every movie being a dark reimagining of a fairy tale. We mean a dark reimagining. We're all fucking dark. Every two weeks another film would come out called The Woodsman. The Huntress. Yeah. It was relentless. Snow queen. Yeah, and apparently it's like a really dark, dark interpretation of the witch from Snow White.

Ice Fairy. Or Angelina Jolie plays everybody. Yes, yeah. Or someone who might as well be Angelina Jolie. Yes. You have your, you know, to visit a check. Oh, you might as well be Angelina Jolie. as far as I'm concerned.

And it's always like, no, but these elves have like really sharp pointy teeth and also they are doing blood. Okay. Okay. Fine. Exhausting.

Yeah. Okay. Original snow white's already terrifying, so... They're all horrible. Yeah. This is just horrible in a way that looks like it was designed, yeah, for Paris Fashion Week.

It's just like a kind of Paris Fashion Week mishmash of... If you're going to make a horrible version of something, I have more time for the the, what's the Nightmare Before Christmas? Tim Burton? I have more time for that. It's at least self-conscious.

Yes, it got ruined when I was a teenager by Goths and emo. It got really taken over. It was like a year-round, they were obsessed with Nightmare before Christmas, got mentioned in a big Blink 182 song, it was just like relentless Nightmare Before Christmas stuff. And you go, for difficulty with Nightmare Before Christmas is you don't really know where it stands in the calendar because it feels weird to watch it at Christmas. And in Halloween, you're just like, this is two Christmas.

So maybe it's a perfect Thanksgiving film. It's a perfect November the 29th film. Yeah, it's a bridging film. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's true. And it's always funny, yeah, I think I've said this before where all the list of all the most horrible things are still, you know, a terrible tentacle squid. It's never just like...

In the night before Christmas. A murderer. I was scared as a kid because of a, I'm the clown with a tear away face. And he rips his face off. and there's a deeper voice behind it. For children. That is good. It's really fucking scary.

Yeah. Hearing a flash and gone without a trace. Is that what he says? Yeah. The voice was too deep for me to register. You know, like, as you reach a certain age, you stop being able to hear high-pitched sounds. So, like, as a four-year-old, I couldn't hear the Seinfeld-themed theme. Children can't hear the Seinfeld-Thief.

So in order to make kids not hang around outside sweet shops, they play those really high-pitched noises. Yes. That only kids can hear. Yes. But in order to make adults not hang around playgrounds, they play the Seinfeld theme tune really loud. Do do but do, do, do do, do do. All these, oh, Peter's going. Nose bleeding, like 11 from stranger things.

Yeah, that's a good security measure. Yes. We'll do that. Yeah. Right. Now time for the Patreon guys. Yeah, let's take things over there. Do you sign up.

You'll get an extra episode a week, a George Potter month. And the mid tier of the Patreon, one above the lowest tier, you get a watch-along film a month as well. We've done The Silence of Alams. We're going to do the holiday next. Yes, from Halloween for Christmas. At some point, we'll do a bridging film. Yeah, maybe that's...

Got to find one for January. Yeah, a classic January film. Yeah. I think there was a... There's been a couple of New Year's E films or New Year's Day films, and you go, don't try to, this isn't, this isn't going to work. This is not going to work. How dare you?

We can't be that easily tricked. Enemy at the Gates. There's a January film. It's fucking freezing and miserable. We're not doing consecutive Jude Law films. We're not doing that. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. As if there's a sequel.

He's so weird of the midter of the Patreon. And every month we watch a Jude Law film, so remember to say. Is there a star you could do that with for like years? Tom Hanks? I think most Hollywood stars are in loads and loads of films. Like every year, most Hollywood stars are in like one big film that they want to be in. No, one big film they have to be in. And then one little indie film that they kind of want to be in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, once a month we watch a two-lot film. Yeah, for however long it takes for him to start making them or for us to catch up. February is SkyCaptain and the World of Tomorrow followed very closely by Closer. really looking forward to it.