BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2e28 Diagnosed Christmassy

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

This week the boys unpack Pierre's recent stag do, Glenn's pheromone dreams, baffling business names and Christmas correspondence!Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram.KOJISubscribe to our YouTube channel here, for access to full video versions of BudPod -Glenn is on tour across the UK! For tickets go to https://www.glennmoorecomedy.com/ Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and Now TV from Sunday 21st of December.Pierre is on tour in 2026! Tickets available now at https://www.pierrenovellie.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpart episode 28. And a wizard is never late. That was some good Gandalf. Thanks, he's a dickhead, I think, in that. Yeah, because he says, you know, a wizard arrives precisely what he means to. Why? What other job would we let someone, I think you'll find actuaries arrive precisely when they're... Not why.

To be fair, like almost every tradesman... It's operating on a Gandalfi and a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. A plumber arrives just any time. It will be when I decide. The run again, Dolphian schedule. Yeah, I used to, I mean, I had this when I was in Manchester the other week. I got woken up at like 5.30 in the morning by like the room service phone.

The hotel room landline. And it's weird to hear a landline ringing in the year of our Lord 2025. That's already I'm in a horror film. Yeah, and it was to let me know that the cab that I'd booked for an hour later. He's already arrived and he's in reception. So he's ready for you to get up now. I was like, why? Insane, look, look, we don't live in the world of the Grand Budapest Hotel.

But insane that a hotel worker couldn't have intervened and gone, but it's for an hour from now and just kind of like deflected that as a matter of guest comfort. Yes, and it's made me realize actually. I guess they just go, well, there's a man in front of me, whereas Glenn is just a voice on a phone that I can annoy. Yes. This has given me an idea of what to do if I, find out the hotel room number of someone I hate. Yeah.

And to just go downstairs and go, I'm in room 1428, and I'd love a big old wake-up call at 3 a.m. You know that wake-up call where the clown comes into the room and just gently rest his penis on your forehead and drags it across? I'd love that one, please. And it's for me, not my enemy. I would love a wake-up call, but I don't like to wake up too suddenly.

What I like is the... lightening fire alarm volume of your landlines, which I know that they're that loud, because there's a hotel. But then when I pick up the phone, I'd like you to whisper the wake up call. Almost inaudibly. That's because then it's like I'm relaxing again.

Yeah. That's nice for me. I would like that. Yeah, I want overnight classic FM presenter voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect for when you're driving back from a gig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had that one, my first car, the only, uh, station.

if you get out in like a wilderness would always be like classic FM. Yeah. And on a drive back from a gig, it'd be like turning it up like to 50, just in the hope of just trying to get some bass for the first time. Like, why is there no base? Speaking of loud wake-ups, it was your stag do at the weekend. Yes, it was. And I gave, I specifically, because I was sharing a room with a friend who should not be named,

I decided it would be funny to set a very specific alarm or pretend to have an alarm, which was just a loud, solitary gunshot. Because I thought I was having a good thing about this I was like if it's like machine gunfire And obviously you have your initial Oh fuck And then you go

It's going on for ages The gunshot by the time you're out of Like by the time you sit bolt up right It's gone and you go Did I just So you got a really loud gunshot But then presumably with like a tail end Of like a minute of silence

So it didn't just go Yeah it was just one Like oh How did you find your stack? It was great Yeah It was great There was

We did clay pigeon shooting Yeah And there was lots of pork. Yes, and we all dressed up as monks. We dressed up as monks. And you were dressed as an abbot? Yes. Now do you understand why I resented when I moved house that I couldn't put in like multiple pairs of trousers,

but I had to pack a monk's outfit. As one of the limited items of clothing I can take in my temporary accommodation. So it's like Desert Island Discs, but you have to have a Gregorian chant CD. Yes. Because the plane, I love the Tabor. That's my favorite of the instruments. The plane that's crashing is full of floor. them. Do you have to have a Gregorian chant CD?

Yeah. That's funny. A monk costume in a bath is quite a sinister. I've left something out for you. Yeah, because it looks like he's dissolved. Yeah. Acid bath monk. I made a crippling social phopal, which I confided you on the way home.

The pork element was excellent. This involved the big hog roast. There was an enormous hog roast. Yes. It led to, I think, one person, but it could have been multiple parties. committing the worst farts I've ever encountered in my life. They were, it was astonishing. It was like burned.

Everyone agreed that it was astonishing. It wasn't a matter of like, oh, I guess the farts over there in that corner. I can't really smell it. It was like we'd gone there to vote, like in the UN on how bad they were. I would say that the farts were intense enough that it was like walking through a cobweb. Yeah, that was... It's like, ah! Yeah, Sarah Milliken would say, made a real skin on them.

And it wouldn't go. It was, because the finger kept being pointed, like, a round of, like, I think it's this person, this person, please stop fucking doing it. Yeah. When the finger at one point got pointed at me, I've never had less of a sense of humor about it. Because it was like, you're accusing me of being terminally ill. Because whoever's here,

whoever here is doing this needs to get themselves straight to a hospice. It was... God. It actually spoiled the week. You also said something very funny where you'd lost a game and you were having to drink too much beer. Yes, yeah, yeah. It was like essentially a beer pong-esque game. Yeah, and someone offered you some madri and you said the phrase,

I have all the madri I could ever want. Which is really funny. Brackets, negative. I mean that pejoratively. But you don't have any madri. I know. Yes. Correct.

And let's briefly pause this right here because you'll probably have noticed if you're watching at home. The studio's on fire. It looks like there's a fire in here. The studio's on fire. And we're really apathetic about that. It's a condensation issue.

We are working on it. Sorry if it's getting very cloudy, visually. It is, don't worry, going to get significantly worse. Do not wipe your screen. Do not wipe. Never wipe. Never wipe. This is a problem here.

We're a family cloth household. Oh, yeah. We'll talk about family cloth another time. It's a family club. There's not enough time to unpack a family cloth. Your friend of mine, Johnny Leonard, we were outside at this hog roast bit, and the people who came in a van to serve this huge hog roast and were excellent. Johnny and I were chatting and we're chatting about generally comedy-based stuff.

And then he said, this must be a really busy time of year for you. And I was like, yeah, kind of. I'm kind of winding down for the year, I guess. And I looked over at him to find that he was in fact addressing the people serving the hog roast. and I stopped mid-sentence and said, I'm going to kill myself. I was surprised by how affected you were by this. It was horrifying, because I've done this to someone before,

where I've started talking to one person, and someone walking past has assumed I was addressing them, and I've just seen the light leave their eyes, and I know how it feels, and I know what it looks like, so I was like it's best to just acknowledge it, because he tried to very politely go, no, no, I was asking both, you weren't asking both of us. And that's so nice of you to do that.

I was asking both of you. Yeah. Now, Johnny, I hadn't seen for quite some time, but the first time him and I ever met is also one of the most degrading moments of my life, which was a new act stand-up competition when I was very, very new in like 2012, 2013. And everyone, this stand-up comedy,

like, semi-final, or whatever it was, was absolutely tearing the roof off, doing so, so well. And I was feeling very smug and arrogant and excited about how my set was going to go. And the guy on before me, and I'm not sure if we mentioned this on a pub before, but the guy on before me was, it was like watching Richard Madeley do stand-up.

I haven't seen this guy since. I've never seen him before. It really was a hard watch. It really was a hard watch. And I was thinking, I was feeling even more confident. I was like, well, you know, enter Glam. We can make amends here. Even more so. Yes, and I got an even worse response.

And I'm like an arrogant early 20s me He wanted to say to the audience, no, no, no, if I'd been on anywhere else in the bill, you'd have been having a good time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy just reminded you of badness. Yeah, like, it stunk up the place. I mean, the gigs started to improve

after, once I was off stage. And I just felt so bad. I had no other gigs booked in the diary. And at the end of these competitions, they always go up on stage, and they say, right, we're going to announce our winner and runners up. Yeah. And I announced the winner.

And then the two runners up were also going to go through. And one of the runners up, they were like, we want to say, we want to make a note of saying, that we think this act would have gone down even better, were it not for, say, the act before them? And I was like, holy shit, it's going to be me. And they're saying that were it not for the bad, the guy on before me, yeah. And what they did was they announced the guy was on after me.

So they specifically had to say to the audience, we're really sorry about Glenn. That was, you shouldn't have been put through. But fortunately, the guy afterwards managed to pick it up. It was Johnny Leonard. Johnny Leonard was the one after me. He was the one after me. That they were like, we're putting you through, Johnny,

and we're so sorry for what you had to go through. That's incredible. Right? Yeah. That's so funny, man. I think that's one of the most damage. That was the real, like, Simpsons, you won't be needing this, tearing out the heart moment. I couldn't believe it, and I had no gigs booked in the diary.

So I spent months thinking I was the worst comedian in the world, because that's all, that's the only evidence he had. I got the megabust back up to Sheffield overnight, and I was, like, just staring out the window being like, I looked like Adele, like forehead pressed against the window. rain pouring down and me just going, I can't do this. And weirdly, I told my parents about it. You're like Eminem, hoodie up angrily writing your jokes on the bus.

But I didn't have anything booked in. So, and then weirdly, I spoke to my mom, my mum knew about the Milliken rule. Yeah. She knew about Sarah Milliken's role. Oh, yes, yeah. You can feel bad about a bad gig until the next morning? I think it's up the next morning, and it works the other way. You can feel especially arrogant or wonderfully hubristic or really positive about a great gig until the next morning.

And then you've got to reset. But I think it's up a next morning. But I had three months of that. Millican months. Milliman. Millim months. You've got three miller months. To live. I'm so sorry.

It's a matter of miller months. Is that sorry? Is that loads of months or a really short month? I just, I want the doctor. I can't possibly. Is it a thousandth of a month or three thousand months? Because three thousand months is eight or nine years. I'm really sorry.

The doctor has diagnosed you with 5,600 weeks. You've only got 5,600 weeks left. I'm really sorry. People in your situation go on to lead. incredibly long and happy lives. It's such a coincidence, I can't resist, but you've only got 9,000, 800, 600 minutes. It was a one year.

I got one year, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But all and all. Did you talk to Johnny about that? No, because I was like, I don't know to make him feel awkward, because even though it was years ago, I feel like he'd be like, well, you've held onto this. I shouldn't remember that. And you could say, I was telling the story to the pork man.

How do you feel now? Like a silly billy, I bet. You were just next to the pork man, and I was just telling it. On the way home from your stack, you reminded me of a food stuff that I'd invented, or a name I'd invented for a food stuff, that I'd completely forgotten about. and it was with regards to healthy pizzas. I had no memory of this. It's so good.

So I remember, I think maybe it was during the great pandemic and we were talking over a war zone or something, the great pandemic. But you were just discussing in general terms how pointless you find it when someone orders a pizza, but they get like a really thin, like authentic one with not that much cheese on and they'll be like just like artichokes and broccoli and things. No memory of this. The way that you described it was when you'd open the box and see that, you'd be like, are Offsted in?

Are we being inspected? But now, every time I see a healthy pizza, I'm going to think, you've ordered Offsted pizza. That's how I've been thinking of that for years. This is a good pizza. It's incredibly improved. Yeah. A few years ago, this kind of pizza would have been absolutely devastating for your future.

That's an excellent pizza. It's um, Vosted pizza is how I think Whenever I go through the menu And it's like capers, black olives And, and artichokes We're not having fun today, are we? Offsted pizza.

Yeah. The pizza expressal It's got a hole in the middle of a salad And you go, oh, like I'm trying to trick myself Like I won't notice. We put a pizza slice under your nose As you eat some broccoli. Like, I'm a donkey?

Yeah, like an ape. Yeah. Like the way you trick an ape in a lab. Yeah, sorry, why you eat this pizza someone is going to be sitting in and observing. Yeah, yeah. Oh, right, yeah. Okay, so that's why this all brother was.

But it's like the dream I had about the person going around AQA exams with a pepper grinder. That's what that was. That was off-stead pizza. Offsted pizza. You were trying to remember the joke. Your brain was sending you confusing signals. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I dreamt last night, me telling people about a game I play. And I'd realized, but it is a game I play in real life, but I'd never thought about it consciously. So my subconscious, for the first time had me articulation and explaining the game I'd play. It's this mind of yours and your dream knowledge. You're ill.

It's so wasted on comedy. You'd be such a good detective. Your dreams are telling you about who did a murder. Instead of like... What my dream was telling me about... The best fart. What my dream... Whatever.

Stupid. Fucking thing. And the award goes two. To best. Those we've lost. But it's not. But it's not useful, because it couldn't be a detective, because my dream was articulating the game I play subconsciously,

which is whenever I'm scrolling down on a document, like, skim reading, or like terms and conditions where you're trying to get to the bottom, I move my mouse around so it fits between all. the gaps in the word so I don't hit any words on the way down. Like it's a little game I play. Like a maze. Okay. So as you're scrolling through with a long contract. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just... You click the center button of the mouse in. So it's now just a case of moving the mouse

up and down, like a Jedi. I'll then move the cursor, like, from side to side. So it's going in between... like, in the gaps between the words. It never hits a word. That's fucking mad. Yeah. This is a thing you do every time you agree to a terms and conditions. I mean, I must have, I've done it certainly before. I don't think I've done it every single time. My dream was suddenly like, I was telling someone at a party and they were like,

you're really boring. And I woke up. Who was it? They weren't happy. I was telling them. It was just a dream person. The pheromone is so severe. I get told off in my dreams.

Um, I was... Are you still being told off? Yeah. Ow. I was in Lime Regis at the weekend doing my final gigs of a year in Cornwall. Yes. And sometimes you go to like a tourist town

and you go down the high street and you're like, I don't know how anyone... The people who live here, where do you get your things? Yes. Do you get your groceries from the trinkets shops? There's nowhere to buy objects. Yeah. Apart from... I can get magnets.

Yes. Niche milk. Like, I'm hungry, but not in... I'm not in the mood for a dinosaur bone. from the Cornish coast. That's not why I've come to Dorset for this. I think those places have been so revolutionized by big Sainsbury's deliveries or Tesco deliveries.

Gotta be, but there was nothing around. I was like, one of you, one of you has to sell first-hand books. You have to. Yeah, not every book can be a charming age-ed. Someone owned it originally. Someone, like, these have to have come from nowhere first. They've got factories now where they print the books, they bind them, and then on the way out, someone legally owns them for two minutes.

Yes, yeah, yeah. And, like, flicks through them and kind of fucks them up a bit, cracks the spine, like, folds over a few corners. Yeah. And for premium prices, you can get sort of, um, interesting little pencil annotations. Yes. Um, I had to, uh, I realized I didn't pack enough clothes and I had to buy clothes while I was there.

No, what? Yeah. Really? Yeah, just got to say for, like, one day extra of an night. I love it if you had to gig in a monk costume. Yeah, yeah. I've only packed my habit. Well, that's it.

I haven't packed that many clothes in the first place in my sort of stasis accommodation. Yes. So I was like, okay, I'm like one shirt down and I hate re-we. I'm someone who, if I remove an item of clothing, I can't put it back on. Okay. I really don't like that at all. Yeah. But what it meant was I realized I also hadn't brought scissors.

And in the sort of Cornish and Dorset-based seaside towns, all they have, white stuff, sea salt and fat face are like the three clothing bands. thick jumpers and the like and I bought like a shirt and the t-shirt and the tag is on like a thick rope Yeah, it's on a sort of nautical Yeah, and you go just a little bit of string that I can tug with my hands

You could catch a crab with it Yeah, so I found myself in a situation where I was in found with the next night like running late for the gig because I was trying to remove the labels from my clothes with my keys So I was like using it to saw through rope And it's the most I've ever felt like a prisoner

Like, oh just like trying to do an escape it And in reality, I'm just trying to, like, remove the label from a fat face shirt because I can't tuck it in. What's one of the funniest things that Tim Key puts into his poems is that his sort of poem self is just constantly going into fat face and buying things. Constantly buying fleeces and stuff. I see it's such Christmas present from your parents' clothing, I think. That and white stuff is such Christmas present clothes. What is Fat Face for? It's got a kind of zigzaggy 90s style logo label thing

The logo in no way represents what the content of the store is It looks like a tiki bar Yes, and in reality what it sells is the sort of stuff that the O'Bush, Tom Skinner guy, would wear. Is that who it is? Do you know what I mean? It's kind of like fake farmer. Yeah, kind of. Chelsea Tractors.

Yeah, kind of. It's quite Gilles adjacent. Yes, and fleeces and stuff. But yeah, the logo to me suggests like, surfing tiki shop. Yeah, it's Quicksilver. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it just isn't.

It's a lie. So I get very annoyed if I go past a restaurant and the name is of the wrong cuisine. I drove past a restaurant months ago that was called like the olive tree and it was an Indian restaurant and it was like, oh, I'm so sorry, you've got that wrong. I'm so sorry to tell you this, you're Italian.

I'm sorry you had to find out like this, but actually you're an Italian restaurant. Or Greek. Yeah. It's like if you went to a place that was called like the Blue Orchard and it was like, You go, no, no, you're sorry, I had to find out that this.

You're Chinese, actually. And you have been all along. I hope someone would have told you by now. Yeah, if it's called Pandan Leaf, I'm not going there to get fish and chips. Yeah. You're like, where's the... It should be a kind of green curry sauce on this.

Yeah, a place that's called like the Land of Reeds, and it's like a greasy burger joint. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't, yeah, you can't be called, like, Tiao Lin province. Yeah.

And sell me, you know. Like a lobster bisque. Oh, yeah, God. Yeah. That's, oh, yeah, no, no, no, no, that's no good. Yeah. Yeah, it's called like Tintau province or whatever the fuck. And it's selling like French cuisine.

Yes. Where was this olive... It was between towns, you know, so I don't know if you have a... have this. I mean, I guess you don't drive between gigs. Do you know what I think it is? I bet you, because I've seen this locally, it's the old sign of the old restaurant and they're just like, well, fucking... Good enough. We'll replace it whenever. Yeah. Well, they've gone, under this name, it has loads of good reviews. Yeah, we can pretend the BHS stands for something else. Genuinely. Big hot soup. Big hot soup. Big hearty stews.

I'm sorry to buy my kid's school uniform in there. No, it's big hot soup, and it always has been. Beef hearty stew. Beef hearty's in brackets. Yeah, it was, for me it was good. Oh, it was beef hearty. And you'll be farty after you've had a big enough bowl. I am near here. So dumb.

Near here. He's, he's, end of your hysterics. It is absolutely... End of term. It's a giddiness. There is a place near here where I don't want to say... I don't want to say it's true. Just the idea of a restaurant really proudly telling you how flatulant and crappulant you'll be afterwards.

We've got London's echo-yest bathrooms. Yeah. Don't bring a veteran into the toilets because the sound of gunfire is going to be like fireworks night for them. Do not bring a dog into the bathroom. But the age of someone eat it, like, them advertising your restaurant having a TV advert where someone's really enjoying the meal on the central camera and go, come, I might need to buy some more lure all after this.

But it's like really positive. The meal's cheap, but the Charmin wasn't. Oh, that smells great. And you'll be smelling it for days. Well, I came up a restaurant that. I realized a simpler version exists. But an all you can eat restaurant where they weigh you as you come in and weigh you as you come out.

And that's how they charge you. Like pick and mix. Yeah, there are some restaurants that just wear your plate and I was like, that's easier. That's easier because actually what would happen is you'd have people desperately shitting. People would be arriving ready to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so that they can then leave lighter. Which is of metal shoes. Yes, yeah. You left your shoes behind. I don't need them. I don't need them. They're yours, it's fine. You enjoy.

Yeah. Near here there is a barbers. And I don't want to say the real name. But near here there is a barbers that's called like, Susan's barbers. And it's got a big, like, metal sign kind of thing. So it's quite an expensive sign, I guess, to replace or get rid of. Susan's not in there. Yeah.

It's for Kurdish guys. And I go there to get my hair cut, and it's all fine. But Susan's not there. Yeah, can you go and ask and say, I quite like Susan, actually. like Susan, actually. The manager of the, I want the finest person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do know people, multiple people who, when they go to, like, the barbers, they ask for, like, the head barber. I'm always like, can the manager do it? It'd be very funny, but, like, he hasn't really cut hair, but, like, he's more an admin. Yeah.

He can't, you can't be worse. Yeah. Kind of suit comes down, like, um, uh-huh. Yeah. Who's your accountant? I'm, so that's offering you a business.

Yeah. But I know people who've lived in the air. area for years, and it's always been that way. So where's Susan? So Susan never existed. No, so at some point, Susan existed enough to... Look, Susan must have existed, because the alternatives of explanation is that these four nice Kurdish guys went, well, call it Susan's. Well, maybe they were just like, look, we're moving to a really English area. Will people prefer it?

Well, like, the racists and xenophos prefer it if it's got a very British name. Yeah. And that will make it more, I don't know, appealing to a guy. called Terry. Admiral Nelson's Curry House. It's like that. Yeah, I think so. Queen victorious Chinese takeaway.

I feel like to say about Rosa's tie. Yeah. Well, do you know why that is? She isn't. Because she had like a cafe. She had like a cafe in Soho or ever. And then she got bought out and they're like, in tribute to her for now homeless Rosa. We've named it after her to taunt her every time she walks past.

Soho's angriest fried bread. Yeah. seller. Yeah. That is all part of that kind of like, sometimes overwhelming Soho nostalgia that London does really suffer from. Yes. A little bit, like going on about, you know, who's the guy who would do like, Francis Bacon being at like the French house and stuff. Yeah. And, yeah. So I think Rosa's tie is a unique example of, yeah, people being like, but don't worry, it's still a shame old London. Yes. It's not, is it? Yeah. Sorry we've had to close down your jelly-eeled cafe, mister, but don't worry.

Well, name us casino after you, Mr. Hippodrome. Oh, thank you. Named after, old Barry Hippodian. Barry O'Dien and his cinema. He used to show the most frightening porn in Europe. And Francis Bacon would go in there and so was... Frightening porn. A dick jump scare.

What's wrong with them? What's wrong with them? Yeah. And Bruce Forsyth would come and watch it. Oh, he'd jack on. And you'd look at the back row, the cinema, and all along there, jacking off, would be the best and the brightest of England. Yeah, that's the only reason he hosted that show. He thought it was called Strictly Come, which was the name of the business.

Strictly. Strictly. Yeah, this whole thing of Soho being like this marvellous old... Sounded terrifying. It sounded terrifying. Which was terrifying, but now they try and still trade off that when there's like a Kath Kiddston and like 11 Barry Trotter shops. Yeah.

Or like wizard boy wand seller. Yeah, those are quite funny. They do look enticing, though. I'm both judgmental about them. I'm like, that's cozy. If I was an American tourist, I'd be like absolutely sucked into that. You love the coziness, yeah, that's true. I think your dream situation would be a pub that's been done up like a rip-off Harry Potter shop.

Oh, fuck, yeah. as close as possible. Yeah, that's really devastating and true. Yeah. A pub that's done up like a rip-off Harry Potter shop. Yeah. And the genre of cuisine is Al-Satian. And I don't mean the dog.

What do you mean? I mean that that is the part of the world, Alsace Lorraine. Oh, right, okay, yeah, yeah. Which has the intersection of all the things you like, which is French... Sausage and cheese. Yeah, yeah, rapace. Sausage cheese, wine and beer and bread. Yeah.

That's the French-German cult. Your heart is in Alsace-Lor-Aid. Fuck, yeah. I need to move. You have to move to the banks of the Rhine. Why did he do that? Because it's for the cheese. For the cheese, of course.

That's why I left. So we should say, our plan, due to insane busyness and Glenn moving house and being trapped in a monk's costume is this is going to be the sort of Christmas episode and for the episode that comes out on the 20th...

On Christmas Eve. It'll come out on Christmas Eve. It's going to be a Patreon episode that's given to you guys as a kind of fun, have a little taste of this. Yeah, we'll handpick a nice one. A little taste of the good life. And it will let you think, hey, I'll sign up to the Patreon. If you are a Patreon subscriber, you will get a brand new episode on Christmas Eve.

So do not worry. Also, obviously we want you to... We're plugging our Patreon because it's a brand new episode every single week and you get this for the price of £4,000, month is it? A beer a month. It's a beer a month. It's a beer a month. Full new episode every single week, plus access to the entire back catalogue of season two, which has been going since beginning of July. And season one now. And season one as well. So essentially like four years of content. Oh, hundreds of episodes that you can listen to. Yeah. For a very, very cheap price indeed.

You can also gift a subscription as well. If you know someone who's a fan of the podcast and you go, hey, I might gift them a year. You'll get it at a discounted rate as well. Yes, you get a discounted rate as well. Yes, you get a discount for bulk buying. As with all things. In terms of a Christmas plug as well. I think it will have been announced by now. But I have a special, a stand-up special that you can watch on TV over Christmas. It's my first ever special that I filmed, and it's going to be on Sky. From Sunday the 21st is when it's first being broadcast, 10.30 p.m., Sky Comedy and now TV.

But then it's on demand for basically months and months after that. So if you want to watch it over Christmas, this is a 2025 special recorded in 2024 of my 2022 show, which was about the year 2020. So I hope it's held up chronologically. Get 3pm on Christmas Day, finish lunch, get the family together, and all sit around and watch Glenn's Christmas speech. Yes, my Christmas speech. And I think it's aged perfectly fun.

It's mostly about how Russell Brand inspired me to get into comedy in the first place. But yeah, please do check it out. I hope you watch and enjoy it. And also, this is completely different to the show, but I'm touring at the moment. So if you like the show and then you're like, hey, I want to see, Glenn on Torven, I'm back on tour in January for a few months. I'm going to Melbourne and Sydney if you want to see me in March and April. And then your tour

starts in the new year as well. Yes, I'll be Soho Theatre in January. Come see me in London. And then I'm on tour from the end of February to somewhere near you if you live in the UK Ireland or the Netherlands. How about that? So do come along. And yes, these are

the Christmas gift options. Bad Pop membership and tickets to see us. Perfect for Nanny. Perfect for Nanny. The dog. from Peter Pan Mail, letter, post, message, email, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, not non.

And randoms. Correspondence. So, it being the Christmas thing, we should do some Christmas E. Let's do some Christmas correspondence. Christmas correspondence. Do you have any Christmas traditions? The main ones we do is Chinese takeaway Christmas Eve.

Oh, really? That's a must. That's a real must. Really? Yeah, yeah. I don't know when this started. It must have been about 40. years old. Yeah.

And I, what, what used to happen is on Christmas Eve, but it was a fish pie. And I don't know if that's meant to be something either. And I think we sort of gently staged an intervention with my mum years ago. We went, I just think none of us like fish pie. And my mom was like, oh yeah, I mean, I don't like it. And it was like, then why are we doing? It's a festive punishment. Yeah.

And then it became this, I think, actually, like, and actually we end up getting really generous portions on Christmas Eve because, you know, like, you know, You're like, you're our only customer tonight, so have everything we made. I hope you fucking like Chinese food. Yeah. You're getting double. That was the main thing, yeah. But other than that, nothing bonkers.

Oh, no, no, no, sorry. We exchange Christmas cards on Christmas Eve and hand them to each other. Yeah. Katie's like, what is going on? I'd forgotten. I actually didn't ask the question thinking of that. I'd forgotten that. And it's so odd.

And you read them in front of the other person. Silently. You don't read it. because also, like, and it's very strange, because I would like... Which is worse. I'd put the effort and do, like, insane cards. Like, for my sister, I would get, like, a few tabloid newspapers and cut out all the letters and make it look like a ransom sort of thing.

And I'd be like, well, at least try and put some humor into it. Or just, like, decorate it with a TV presenter that they do not care about. Yes, yes. That sort of thing. And I think we'd always be like, Glenn, it's not really in the spirit of it. Whereas then my mum would receive a card from my dad, which is just one of those ones where it's like, it's not a rhyming poem. Do you know what I mean?

Like, every day is special because you're in a... involved and Christmas is all the better for your existence. I hope your day is filled with merriment and joy, and it is a splendid day. And then my dad would just write to my darling wife lots of love from Roger. And I'm like, well, that's not nicer because you didn't say that. They're just formatted like a poem. Yeah. That's odd.

Yeah. But so what happens is, like, you're standing up and you're just going, like, reading it, and you're like having to watch their reaction live to see what they think. No, you all hand them to each other. So, I'll do one for my sister. My parents do one for me. so you have like two cards and then everyone else has got their two cards

and you just go oh thank you so that's really sweet thank you so much that's really sweet and you put them up and the whole time you're like I want to chalmain this has made me very tense imagining this yeah yeah it is odd the whole time I'd be sitting there going

yeah do you know what have I Christmased well do you know what it is horrible have I Christmas enough but I would worry that I'd written the wrong You know, because whenever someone says to me, oh, we'll do this, I, again, quite autistically, just think like, this is a chance to...

There's a thousand ways to get this wrong and probably four ways to get it right? Well, actually, I'd find you wouldn't really ever write a sentiment. You'd just write generic, I hope it's the best Christmas ever. You'd basically repeat what is already on the cart. Sometimes you can just write left blank inside for your own message. You could just write that if you wanted. I would have to make it funny.

What I hate. an opportunity for humour. That's what I would always do. That was always treated of like, oh, Glenn. You go, no, I wrote a joke. I wrote a joke for you. Glenn's drawn a cock and balls on this Christmas card again. I wrote you what I'd get paid for normally.

Yeah, I've given you free work. Yeah. What I hate in all kinds of cards is when they're not left blank inside for your own message. And they say, happy birthday in them. And you go, well, I was going to say that. You've taken my line. What am I meant to fucking right now? I went through a phase years ago of a running joke

where at random and for no reason I would send my friend Harry cards that I had like defaced to be different like really horribly so like he would get a really big chunky card that's like to my fabulous niece on your fifth birthday like a really specific one

and it comes with a badge that says I'm five today oh those are always fun to do but I would like really aggressively in Byro cross out niece and then put correct And write like Harry. And, yeah, just and sort of deface the images to try and, as though like that was the only card left in the world.

Yeah. And I had to just deal with it. Or you didn't realize until you got home. Yeah. Oh, fuck. And I'd write the message with my left hand. It would be a sort of insane, like, aggressive message. I'd always do this for Mother's Day and Father's Day by a one pound card where I had a one pound sticker on it.

And I'd have an arrow pointing to it. I'd say, I love you this much. That was always a fun one to do. Yeah, I mean, like, most cards are wretched, aren't they? I just really want a plain talking, like, happy birthday. I'll tell you in person how I feel. Just WhatsApp me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm still reading a message. Yeah. What does it matter if you held a pen? Oh, now your hand hurts, because it's 2025. I hold a pen about once a year and it's agony now. Do you know what? I feel like a horse. I don't mind receiving it.

It's the fact that then you feel bad about not doing it back. I feel like Christmas cards are like wearing bowler hats all the time An affectation No no, no, well yeah Yeah, but like society needs to all do it or no one does it

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah All day, when you see a photograph of like you see a picture of the first Like a big thing in Piccadilly Circus or something in like 1930 And there isn't an unhatted head

Yeah Because that was the rule Yeah. Christmas cards are like that. If everyone did it, I'd feel like, oh, what a nice thing we're all doing. Lovely pyramid scheme. And you give it to him and then you donate, you give cards to five other people. Absolutely. I would enjoy it then because everyone would have this long thing of Christmas cards and it would feel like a social network of like something that was binding us. Yeah, fuck. But if it's just like, I have to go buy a Trilby to wear to go hang out with my friend who wears hats all the time. That's it. I'd usually get a Christmas card. The one Christmas card I'll receive will be from someone I'd, barely know, but they send out 50 Christmas cards a year. And I'm like, great. So the only

Christmas card I'm sending this year is back to that former colleague. Yeah. As a way of sort of kind of, and unto you. Like a kind of social tension. And to you. Yeah. And to you. Wishes you, happy Christmas. I got a, like, a birthday card years ago from like one of my mum's friends. And it was like from her, her husband, her son, who I last seen when I was like eight. and his sister, and then also some other girl's name. And I was like, who's Sarah? Her mom was like, oh, that's his girlfriend. And I was like, does she know?

Does she know she's wished me happy birthday? Was it like when they write like a dog? I saw you my name with an ex. Like a deliberately bad writing from a dog. I thought it'd be really funny to find her on like social media and send a really gushing thank you. I've like genuinely, it made my birthday that you said happy birthday. Thank you so much.

But also demanding her address. Yeah. So that you can send her... But I remember at the time thinking, like... A card. But I remember at the time suddenly thinking, well, how many cards am I on? Yeah, fuck.

How many cards are out there that have been signed by, you know, by someone else on behalf of me saying, and Glenn? I don't know. If you're listening and you're going to send Christmas cards, please write Glenn's name on them. Yeah, you have my permission. Yeah. I wish whatever, relative, colleague, whatever,

I wish them happy Christmas. Yeah. So do put Glenn on your cards. And sent us what it's like to explain why. This might make more sense if you're as part of a large family and there's like six of you signing. If it's just one of you and then it's and Glenn, then it's going to look like we're in a relationship.

And we haven't told anyone. Yeah, that might be odder. But let's see what happens. Yeah. Let's see what happens. In terms of some Christmas-style messages. Martha has sent us some Christmas tat. Okay.

This is a wooden sign. Okay. Santa saw your Instagram picks. Right? That's in like Times New Roman. And then in italics, the funny bit, what do you think it says? You're on the naughty list. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely that is the vibe.

You're getting blanks and a blank. Coal? Blanks, plural. And ablank. Coles and charcoal. You're getting colds and a charco. What weird AI wooden board is this? You're getting coals and a charcoal.

But yeah, that's someone who can't do banter. Oh, yeah. Well, you're going to get you fucking ahead of it was screwed on, you idiot. Idiot. My mom says I'm twice the man you are, so fuck, so fucking hell. So fucking hell to you. Well, behavior like that. You're getting coles in a charcoal at Christmas.

It's a fucking match of the day two banter. It's very, oh, yeah. Being delivered with, like, the most ice white smiles. Ice white. smiles. And like, deep bronzed bodies. Yeah. It's like watching people from the George Clooney espresso advert

swap banter in a heat wave. That is, I think that's the hardest I've ever laughed, is when you and I drove to McHuntheth, like seven years ago. And we're talking about how bizarre the George Clooney Jack Black Coffee advert was. Horrible. But they're in L.A. in a coffee party. It's a 38 degrees, L.A.'s daytime coffee party. And we were talking about how it's like inceptionally, something you go,

I don't remember arriving here. And the toilet is just obviously, the cue is huge. They've long since run out of the last bit of Louro. There's like some wet trodden bits into the floor. But they turn them the taps and it's just hot coffee. And they're like, I just feel so fast. There's no water. And all you can ever have is a single espresso.

Just going... They've just got these large wet patches. Like George Lee's got these huge wet patches, like he's Lee Evans. Yeah, yeah. It's just getting trapped. People are so parched. I can't. I try to leave, but the door just keeps leading me back into here.

They're just having panic attacks. People are just going, you can choose between thirst and heart rate. Should we go out on the balcony? It's not better out there. The sunlight's just direct. But even if it was a party for recovering alcoholics, they're not having an espresso.

The year I went of just going, a year without alcohol, just to see what it's like. I had to go to four weddings. I realized after, a certain number of day, you go, I can't have another cup of tea. At this reception, I can't have another cup of tea. I can't. I can't have another...

The 11 cups of tea. Half pint of diluted milk. Yes. That's it. I wasn't considering the amount of milk I was... Like, I'm ill in a novel. I'm having to have gruel. Santa saw your Instagram picks. You're getting clothes in a Bible. Okay. You're getting clothes on a Bible. Right. Okay. So presumably there in like...

In a state of undress on Instagram. Yeah, they've got their bum out. So why is that not Christian? You know, why is that so? It's not humble. Yeah. It's not humble. This is very American, though, of course.

God, clothes on a Bible is shit. Also, I go like, yeah, so bad news, I'm afraid. You're getting clothes for Christmas. Oh, like all Christmases. Okay. Like the last few Christmases. Okay. And a Bible.

What, the new edition? What's check? What new rule of it? There's an 11th command. Don't have your knockers out. That'd be awful. As in as a, it's quite on a tablet. This is written here in Byra.

Yeah, well, think about it. It's in Aramaic. This is a cuneiform. This is one where it's just like AI slop badly translated. Like the fucking Shrek and Fiona one we saw over the... Yeah, it was... Shrek. It was like a snow globe. And it was like Shrek like, like, Rimming Fiona.

Yeah. His head was just buried between her, like in her ass. And it said, Haunt and Fiona. I have been dying, the last couple of all the idea that he's called haunt. Haunt. The verb for ghosts. Haunt and Fiona. About some, like, football Twitter account in 2009 being like, does anyone loki think Rooney looks like, haunt? Haunt.

What's your favorite, um, what's your favorite Pixar movie character? Ah, it's gotta be haunt. Yeah. Did you know? Did you know that originally haunt wasn't supposed to have a Scottish accent? It's... Yeah, it's because Chris Farley died. Chris Farley died.

He haunts the character. Mike Myers voiced haunt. Haunt! Haunt and Fiona and it's like a sex... Dull thing, like a... ...fucking... Haunt. Haunt.

How does that happen? It's not like, if it was called Shirk. I've looked at the keyboard, the letters are next to each other. If he was called Shirk, you know, you go, yeah, yeah, fine. Oh, I see what's happened there. Or like, or like, Hesrek. But I think it's one of those things that if you look up, you go, no, there's this like Danish folklore, like a horrible goblin and he eats, like he eats kids. And Haunt is a big thing.

So when DreamWorks really Shrek in Denmark, they have to call it Haunt the third because, That's what they, everyone would just think it's horn otherwise. Or like, Shrek is, is the worst swear word in Slovak. Yes. So they just had to call him haunt. Yes, which language is it? Is it Icelandic where the end is slut? So like finding Nemo, for instance, it ends up really lovely,

and it just goes like, slut, full star. Like, wow. Sorry. So this is a very haunt-style sign. Haunt and Fiona. They fucking nails Fiona. That's harder. It's not called haunt and grob or something.

Donkeys just known as like, the horse. We're a full stop. It's called him. Haunt Fiona and him. So, the little sign says, this is how it starts. As for me and my house, right?

So it already is... Right. We're mid-conversation. Starting a sign with, but enough about me. Working up to someone and going, as for me, I'm going to do that... Sorry. What have you been narrating in your fucking head

before you spoke to me? I'd love to start a novel with, however, comma. That would be good. I think people would be like, this is very good. Oh, I like that, yeah, yeah. As for me and my house... Didn't ask.

Also, like, are you... Like, how stuck? Oh, me and my big house. I think it means household. I think they've... Yeah. Again, it's badly translated from something. Yeah, because it's become a Game of Thrones thing.

Me and my house. My house. As for me and my house, we will watch... Right? Right. As for me and my house, we will watch. Yeah. And then in big italics, Christmas movies.

That's it. Well, that's the end of that section. Right, okay. So, as for me and my house, we will watch Christmas movies. And then underneath, it just says, Christmas 24-7. That's a wooden sign you can have. In your house. But I don't even know what that could have been translated from.

Yeah. Yeah, call me wacky, but we have a little old, weird Christmas tradition where we watch the Polar Express. Right? You're right, yeah. Yeah, that sounds, you've nailed it. Me and the whole house. Yeah, but I'm saying all of us as a family.

Genuinely, we sit down and we watch home alone together, genuinely on Christmas Day. Okay. Baffling. And then a load of, like, toilet Christmas signs. And I think if you're thinking enough about Christmas that you're having special toilet signs for it, seasonal toilet signage, it's too much. Yeah.

Also, for Christmas 24-7, you go, well, it isn't because it's one day, so it should be 24-1. Yeah. I'm watching Christmas movies, 24-1. Just all day, one day. I saw a headline where it was like, um, Britain's most Christmassy man has had to downsize from his usual, like, 30 Christmas Christmas.

Yeah, you go, how many tattoos? How many tattoos of Santa did he have? Just tell us. Britain's most is always mentally ill. Yeah, but also with Christmasy, and my friend Jason sent to one of a group chats, a thing about, like, it's like footage from the 90s about like a man who has Christmas every day.

And he's like a very... It's true Barrymore in 51st days. He's a very camp old man who just like has Christmas every day and has a Christmas lunch every day. Fuck. Yeah, and I just, whenever I see a headline, it sounds like most Christmassy man, I just think, yeah, I got diagnosed Christmassy about two years ago.

I'm Christmasy level one Yeah Yeah Where are you on the Christmas spectrum? Christmas scale How festive are you? I'm pretty festive Yeah

It only manifests in certain ways Of course for different people Your Christmessy-ness Yeah So whenever I see that I think Okay, yeah Is this... Yeah also when I go like it

How benign is this level of media attention? Britain's most Christmassy house And you can just call it Britain's most electricity-using house Britain's brightest house Do you know the Tractor Ted? Is this a kid's show that you're aware of?

No. I don't know. I've never heard of Tractor Ted. So, this is just some altered lyrics from Dan that we should say. Okay. Dear Come and Commer. That's horrible. I really like that no effort has been made to change our names. Come and Come is really nice.

Dumb and Dumber. Yeah, more pejorative. Call us more like pejorative Jim Carrey slurs. For no reason? Yes. Or a AIDS Ventura. In so many ways, such a 90s insult. So I'm gonna try and find that the tractor TED appears to be some kind of green...

Green tractor thing for kids, right? But it's like real, except the tractor is 3D. Okay. This? No, no. No, this doesn't look. Let me get the tune in my hand. But yeah, let's hear the tune first.

Because then otherwise we don't know what the parody is off. As a farther to a toddler, I'm exposed to many annoying unsettle songs on repeat for hours. One key purveyor of such tripe is a boring green cunt called Tractor Ted. I'm sure Glenn is familiar with the beweeled prick. I'm not, but YouTube has muddied the water so much that there's the actual TV shows. And then there's actual YouTube ones. There's one called, like, Stephen Maggie. Oh, fucking hell.

It's just the most flat. Stephen Maggie's ice cream van. Ice cream. it's delivered like that. That's not me trying to sing it. That's exactly how it's delivered. It's as nasal and flat as that. And it's just a bloke.

It's just a guy who looks like Alfie Moore, the police comedian, just doing a YouTube kid show. It's absolutely insufferable. And to the point where I hate it so much, I now don't like hearing the name Stephen Mangon because it reminds me of Stephen Maggie. I don't know.

We can't have a... We can't have a society where everyone has a kind of three-person celebrity that they like. And I'm aware of the irony of saying there as a man with two podcasts. It just makes everything seem insane like a dream. Yes, yeah. So it's tractor, Ted is asleep in his shed. Dan's the Cockcrow says, good morning. There's lots to do, farm at arm, Tom and Mitch to, down on the farm, exploring.

You know, that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. So, Dan's version is a tractor. Ted's got kids in his shed and the police are coming, calling. He's made it through the first interview, but the body's now need moving. Time to leave the farm with Tractor Ted.

Toot, to, to, to, to. Let's burn down the barn. The kids are dead. Toot, too, too. Yeah, it's very good. I don't like a police interrogation of being like, I think I've passed the first meeting. I think I've passed the first interview.

Yeah, but I've got a big one with the superintendent. If that goes well, who knows. Maybe the Chief of South Yorkshire Police, if I'm lucky. Who knows? And a message from Sohan saying, checking in, exciting opportunity this February. Hi, I'm reaching out to invite you to be part of the seventh edition of the Middle East Women Leaders Summit.

Okay. Taking place this February in Riyadh, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Hey. Yeah, an exclusive invite-only gathering of the country's top C-suite executives, entrepreneurs and change makers. Join us at this event to connect. with a diverse community of empowered women. In Saudi.

So, wait. How empowered. Did Budpod get sent this? Budpod. This is for us. He is a podcast. Yeah. We're going to re-ad, baby.

We're going to read. Don't worry, it's not for the comedy festival. It's for something wildly different. It's to celebrate the Middle East Women Leaders Summit. And if any of them... Will they let me do a set? We'll both do a set. We'll both do a set.

And we'll let the Saudi authorities know if any of the women get a bit too empowered. So they can be executed. And with that, all that's left to say, it's Merry Christmas. They executed over 200 people in the last year. It's fucking mad. It's true. It could be Mickey Flanagan. Yeah.

They didn't like his set. They don't know what fish markets are. It's just not really a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They thought he was making fun of them. Yeah. They really, like, cheekiness is very highly valued in the Cockney community. but much less so in Riyadh, I think.

He'd get killed? He killed. Dude, he's going to get himself killed. He'd been too cheeky. Mickey... Cut it with the fucking whimsy, man. You're going to get us killed. Mickey Flanagan got sorn up and put in a big bag.

Some salt and vinegar. Mickey Flanagan's dismembered body was discovered in a suitcase. Sad news coming out of Riyadh this morning. The beloved comedian... Yeah. Mickey Flanagan. Yes. Like, with wounds consistent with beddock or something.

Yes, I'm just... Consistent with is always just like, we've got verbs. Use one of the verbs. Yeah, just say it. Well, look, it's time for the Patreon episode. Apologies for it looking like we're in a little room that's on fire. That will continue until we figure out what's wrong with these cameras. We're being sponsored by smoke alarm adverts.

Yeah. That's what it is. It's a big shout out to our sponsor. The smoke alarm. Yeah. A big shout out to our sponsor. of the concept of fire. It's back, baby.