BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E3 - Holiday Hitler

Episode Date: June 25, 2025

This week, the boys dive into the unsettling question of Toy Story’s toys mortality, Hitler’s Argentine holiday, and Pierre’s bafflement over tradition of Bonfire Night.Email or Dm us your correspondence![e-mail] or DM @budpodofficial on Instagram.BUDPOD LIVE with Phil!July 5th, 2025 - Crossed Wires Festival, Sheffield.Tickets on sale now!Ticket Link - HereOctober 12th, 2025 - Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival, London.Tickets on sale now!Ticket Link - HereKOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don't forget to get tickets for Bud Pod live with me Pienaveli and Phil Wang as part of the crossed wise festival in Sheffield The 5th of July at the Playhouse doors open at 1030 in the morning get tickets In the link below in the description or the crossed wise festival website. It's Bud Pod episode 3 3 All thanks for having me Three thanks for having me three Three thanks for having me. Three thanks for having me. That's nice.

Yeah. Yeah. I just thought I haven't thanked you. I'm grateful for the shelter, the roof, and the hot meal that you provide at the end of each recording. Yeah, and cot. Like a Victorian workout. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Board, cot. Three hots, one cold a day. Gyroscope. For play. Pleasure and play. Every time, it is worth remembering how shit everyone's life was, isn't it? Sometimes. It's difficult.

I try to. A hot meal under cot, and then someone would be like, ooh, wonderful. And then sometimes, have you ever read about like motives for like a Victorian murder or whatever? It's always felt like the most embarrassing is like, he took his hanky. Oh yeah, the stuff people were like hanged over as well, even in terms of punishments.

And you were like, if that's what we're punishing people for, hang people for the smell. Like everyone's hygiene should have also been criminalized. Have a sort of smell commissar for the whole of London. You have to die. Jesus. You'll smell better. Yeah.

When you're... You'll somehow smell much better when you're rotting. In that sort of hanging cage. I try to anytime I'm really stressed out or ungrateful about anything in my life, try to sort of go, well, at least I'm not that, and think back to those times. And it just bums me out. Because you go, oh, that was also bad. Like a life so bad, that hundreds of years ago, people will go, oh, we just hadn't heard

of that. Yeah, I don't understand. Yeah, that's true, actually. I've got a friend who, when they're miserable or hungover, they watch like a kind of horrible I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad.

I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad.

I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad. I'm not even that bad to me. Oh, man. But I think that's the whole logic between, oh, remember,

there are children in Africa. Yeah. I think it works for most people. But I think you should just do something like Toy Story. And you'd be like, oh, thank god I'm not in a nursery with lots of hugging bear. Because then you go, at least it's bright and it's happy. And also, I don't want to be in that situation.

I don't want to be Buzz Lightyear having to collapse every time a human walks into the room. Thank god I'm not a sentient train controlled by a sort of fat industrialist. Some characters in Toy Story just have life. Some characters in Toy Story just have life better than others, don't they? Way better. There's a reason Woody and Buzz are the central characters because they can move and have the use of limbs and they're fully prehensile, as opposed to the Etch A Sketch you see early on,

where you go, the effort to bring yourself from lying to standing position with no limbs. And then all you can do is draw the people around you. And there's a reason we don't use Etch A Sketch is now, because it's fucking shit. That's your whole life. That's your whole life. All we have a character is, oh, have to play dead. And you go, the Etch A Sketch is already dead. It oh, have to play dead. And you go, the edge of sketch is already dead.

It doesn't have to do anything. It just has to wipe itself. Has to wipe its own face and memory. I guess it can wipe itself clean. That's something. That's something. Yeah, yeah. It's got that function.

It's not in palliative care. You have to be a toy with eyes to have fucking eyes. Yeah, it's a Mr. Potato Head thing, where sometimes his eyes, and he can put his eyes in his, because people, you stored Mr. Potato Head's features in his bum, didn't you? And so I was like, so he can see inside his bum. He's in the darkness of his own anus

until he is assembled. Well, I guess it's like the snowman coal argument. Can the coal see what the snowman sees or can the coal see everything the coal saw? Sorry. I said it's like snowman argument as if that existed. Yeah. Aristotle snowman argument. Yeah. But it is true though, like, cause when, here's a question. When did Mr. Potato Head's eyes become connected to his mind? Cause his mind's not connected. Is there a way that Mr. Potato Head could be lobotomized? Cause they just remove that and put that in his bum as well. There's no mind bit of him that you take out. Yeah, whence his soul, you know, like, what? Because the eyes of Mr. Potato Head,

he can leave them somewhere and they act as a kind of CCTV camera. Yeah, I... So they're connected like Bluetooth or something, but they were made in a factory before they were assigned to his potato. Yeah, and were they immediately functioning eyes is what we're saying. Did he have to pair them? He had to pair them like headphones.

He had to pair them and then the moment they were moved, are they still his eyes? I don't know, because he could transfer them to Mrs. Potato Head. People do make that argument of is it a sort of shipothecia thing, I guess. There's an advert that plays a lot on the radio at the moment, I think it's for British Heart Foundation, and it's a guy jog sort of ship a thesis thing I guess there's an advert that plays a lot on the radio at the moment I think it's for British Heart Foundation and it's a guy jogging and he's like can I still run if I've had a heart transplant and then someone else sort of being like can I still do this if I've had a child the heart transplant and then there's this voice of a little girl

being like is my mom still my mom if she's got a different heart and then I just thought it'd be so funny if a voice ever went, no. No, she's, there's a hollowness. No. She's someone else. Advert ends. And it's not, was that advertising anything? No, she's a different person now. The British heart, aren't they? And that's what the advert's for.

Just to let you know, they're different. Just watch out, they will be different. They are, there's an emptiness. There's a new, there's, they'll be different. There's an emptiness. There's a new... They'll be different. You'll sense it when you hug them. Her hair is more wiry. She has to eat meat raw now. She looks through you.

She has to be invited in. To homes. Before she can enter them. No more going to church. You're two people now. She sleeps lying down, but it's not lying down like we lie down. There's a different kind of lying down. But anyway, you take care.

She's incredibly strong. She's as strong as ten men. So could she lift a car off me? She'd decide not to. She could, but she won't. The British Hard Foundation. I think... Those adverts would make you sit up and listen in the car though, you'd go,

Oh, I've really, yeah, I've advert, yeah, okay. Fuck off. I've been thinking a lot about the British, I've really managed to get the word out advertising-wise. I would bet 50% of the people who have the radio on completely wouldn't notice. You could have that advert playing to a million radio listeners for a week and you would get 10 emails and one complaint. I always wanted to do this on the radio just halfway through the breakfast show because

you go if there's a certain amount of people listening, to just during the song was Prince is playing or whatever. Just turn the dials down slightly and you go, Simon, Simon in your car. And that's gonna be somewhere is a Simon in his car. And if you can just nail just that one person. You triggering a breakdown remotely. Yes. Scamanturian Canada.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But we activated Simon. Yes. Scamanchurian Canada. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We activated Simon. What if you just, I always thought this about, I don't think people would pick it up if you just threw in gibberish in the middle of generic radio banter.

Gibberish happens more often than you'd think, because sometimes headphones are on a slight delay. And people have a habit, if your headphones are on the wrong delay, even by like 0.5 seconds, people have a habit of trying to catch up their voice or slow down their voice to match the delay Which is obviously impossible and I've heard instances and like cheery commercial like local radio I sort of like we're talking like 10 13 years ago or so whatever. That was Jesse James Very lightly coming up these little things very lightly or is it Lady Gaga

and then it just plays Lady Gaga and you're like what the fuck was that that weird paste delay I remember hearing that that was jittery and you hope that if you stop it will catch up as if it's just behind me, the voice is just behind me and then whoop and it's gone.

It's walked back into my body like a ghost possessing me. But I thought what if you're just doing like radio show stuff. Dude, text in. What are you doing to beat the heat? Will you? What are you guys doing to beat the heat? This Saturday it's projected to be the hottest day of the year. Kringle jimbles and then we're going to like just put it really quickly. Just this part of a

general flow and when it's when you're saying something that is a bit like linky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think people would notice. People wouldn't notice at all. People wouldn't notice at all. I've done it before when I used to be a newsreader and they just suddenly go I didn't read my script properly and there's a name I don't understand. And you'd be sort of like Amber and you just go if you say it read my script properly and there's a name I don't understand. And you'd be sort of like, Amberith and Dundum? And you just go, if you say it quickly enough, and they might question themselves and go, oh, I'm stupid, because I didn't hear what he said.

My ears failed me. Fuck. Yeah, that's the sort of thing you get on commercial radio, because sometimes as well, you just get features in like real, real, real local radio where they go like, we're asking you today, what is the furthest you've ever gone to get your sugar fix? And you go, what the fuck are you expecting messages? I killed a man.

Is that what you want to hear? He had my ice cream in his cot. So I stabbed him. His cot. That's so sinister. In the workhouse. Caught. But in conclusion, I think, I think Mrs. Potato Head, I missed Potato Head, must get up. I don't even think. They could swap eyes. They could swap eyes and have new experiences.

But I think as well, and also when they switch their eyes the other way around, I'm like, what's wrong with that? Does that, is that fine? Yeah. It's not like everything on the right is now going to be on the left and vice versa. Do you think they're into some really kinky stuff or do you reckon nothing's kinky to them because they just see the bum as like the bum is storage. The bum is pure storage and there's nothing exciting about it. It's as unerotic as a cupboard. Yeah. I guess for them as well, there's no, there's no frictional tension. Like you can put your entire, all your limbs in and not hit the sights. So no one's getting anything out of that experience.

It doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah. They do seem to feel pain, right? When? For toys and Toy Story, don't they? Yeah. Don't they? Have I made that up?

Am I, am I, am I going to have to fast forward to my toy story film and see them going? Oh, you stepped on my toe. It's one-eyed doll with the spider legs would be screaming at all times. I think But they do have a concept of death when they get when they go in Toy Story 3 and they're all holding hands and they're About to go into the gonna die. Yeah, they know they're gonna die and I don't know what that means because there's no There's no or they've got no organs this unless they do that means because there's no there's no they've got no organs this unless they do what if the toys in Toy Story are actually the idea is they are the only toys that can do that all the other yeah all the other ones in like ours toy bar no no no they're just like a toy they can't do anything yeah but these

guys are there's if you cracked open the wood it would be like in when they chopped down the tree and sleepy Hollow blood would start to come out Like when they chop down the tree in Sleepy Hollow, blood would start to come out of the... Well, there should be a bit though where like one of the evil ones that are going to that furnace should just say, what is death to a toy? That's why the evil bear is doing it, to see if maybe the plastic melted lump would still be a woody. Well, Lost Hugging Bear actually has a fate,

has like a Twilight Zone-esque end because those toys should have died in the furnace, but at least that would have been the end of their torment. Whereas Lots of Hugging Bear ends the film strapped to the front of a lorry with like other, what fate he suffers. It's like ancient Greek. I was gonna say it's almost sort of like medieval towns

with the heads, the severed heads. He's like Guy Fawkes. Yeah. He's just been hung, drawn and quartered. We display him on the front of a lorry. Was alive. Yeah, he's still alive.

Because he's just there going, on a truck, covered in, I guess, fumes and bugs. There's that famous image of lots of hugging bears handwriting both before Do you reckon maybe just guy forces just given a shitter pen and that's what it was like The cool was running out of ink or he was just Are you just so nervous? I think it was because he was on one of those stationary rides where you go down a mineshaft on a... they're sort of jiggling him. He was on the runaway mine train at Alton Towers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They said... Sorry, Justin Tomado of Avengers. He said... Sorry. He said, I'll only sign it if you let me go to the fairground. I'll sign it on Nemesis. go to the fairground. Yeah. I'll sign it on Nemesis.

On Nemesis, yeah. But they probably don't really let you do that. It's kind of frowned upon, I think. I'm only saying this as someone who is actually going to a theme park next week. When did you get shown that image of the scribbly signature of Guy Fawkes? Because I said I get show.

Son, there's something we need to show We know you know how you love bonfire night and you love calligraphy well But I don't have to tell you this I heard some people discussing this and they saw it at school as part of learning about Bonfire. Oh, I didn't see that bit. No, no, I only saw it as an adult shared around. But also we weren't really given the ins and outs. We were just told naughty man and then we burn a guy every November. I think the reason that a lot of British history at school focuses on Egyptians, Romans, Vikings, Tudors, World War II

vaguely is just because it's easy to explain. Whereas the Guy Fawkes, you just sort of go, right, so it was about. Hang on. Is that, is Guy Fawkes harder to explain than a noob is weighing your heart? I think as a kid, you accept fairy tale shit like that very easily.

In fact, it was just because it was more fun. It was mental. The pyramids were mental. Of course you wouldn't make a building in that shape. It makes makes sense when you read that sort of like all workers were given a ration of eight pints of beer a day and you go, yeah. And of course they didn't build us a house. They built a, they built it the wrong way. They couldn't afford, they couldn't work out to do roofs. So they just thought what if all the corners matched up at the top instead in a nice little pinch, like you're holding a carrier bag. That would be

easier. Imagine eight pints in that heat. Is crazy. They weren't even cold. We know what Brits are like in like Tenerife after that. Like you can't build a pyramid. You can dress up as a smurf. You cannot build a pyramid under those circumstances. At least the beer would have been like 2%. I think as well it was more, it was a more fun, that sort of history, learning about mummies and stuff like that. We took the wretch to see a mummy, literally on his third birthday, to see a mummy and you go, we took to see a dead guy, like, do you want to see a dead body? And it was fine and it was like fun. Didn't he ask for it as well, the wretch?

I think he'd asked, he'd really asked for it as well. Show me the corpse. Yeah, I must, I must gaze upon him. I must look upon him to know for certain he is dead. I must look upon Ramesses. He's your enemy. Tell all your friends, Ramesses, what happened to you today. You put one of ours in the hospital.

We put one of yours in a big pyramid forever and ever. We need just to be lucky once. You need to be lucky always. You need to be lucky for 10,000 years in the land of the endless night. But it's fun, whereas I think maybe there was even with Guy Fawkes, there was perhaps a sort of domestic recent, a recentness to it that made it a bit more disturbing. And it's a bit like, I don't know what the cutoff point with horrible histories is for when you can start talking about

modern stuff, because it's always sort of like the turgid Tudors and stuff like that. And they used to use thumbscrews to torture people, but they never have sort of like, it's not like the horrid Yugoslavian conflict. It's never that, is it? The naughty 90s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's the sordid Serbians. It's never that, is it?

It's never gonna be that. The comedian, this is years ago before he was as massively famous as he is now, but the comedian Bert Kreischer came to London. And did it- You opened for him, didn't you? At the Bill Murray? At the Bill Murray, so an audience of sort of 80 people. years ago before he was as massively famous as he is now. But the comedian Bert Kreischer came to London. And you opened for him, didn't you? Yeah, at the Bill Murray. The Bill Murray, so an audience of sort of 80 people.

I think he was just gigging because he was in town, and why not kind of thing. But he made a great observation, which is that he'd gone around, I think, the Tyre of London. And he was like, you guys are really fun about these horrible things you used to do, whereas we're not in America. And I thought, yeah, because in America,

the recent kind of civil rights violations and torture and like government coming and killing you is all like much more resonant. Whereas the distance between like us and like a peasant who's a peasant who's being poked with a hot iron for not paying his church tithe is just so completely irrelevant. like a peasant who's being poked with a hot iron for not paying his church tithe is just so completely irrelevant.

Yeah, that's exactly it. You go, well, the stuff in America is still relevant today and it's still sore because there's like generations below who are still sort of affected by it. Whereas you go, there's no one still walking around with Guy Fawkes hats. And they get you like spatter in the street. Get out of here. Get out of here get out of here buckle your own

Else what is it a shoe shave that mustache you look stupid But it was really funny for him as an American to be like the fuck Well some tour guide was like and then we used to chop off their toes Yeah, you got medieval torture is so like sexually weird, isn't it? You go just kill them. Just kill the person. It's worse when it's not even a torch tent it You know, that's how they killed them and you go just if only you had guns use a sword. Come on. Yeah Come on. I think that's true. Pressing their forehead is less painful than doing that pressing their forehead to death Yeah, we've smushed them like a big sandwich with some rocks on top till they were dead.

It's just insane. I used to think that, when I say used to, I'm talking like five years old, I used to think water torture, the aim was not you just constantly, it drives you insane. I thought it was that like a rock over time it erodes your head and it's caving in your forehead and after all you're like well I look ridiculous I'll confess I can't go I can't go out like this because you've got like a cliff in your head but yeah and it's just one concentrated dot it's or's just like a kind of... You can maybe slide an entire HP pencil in. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

You could keep hidden messages in there. Little rolled up scrolls. Yeah. Oh god, what is my pin number? I mean, you just... Ha ha ha. Do do do. Oh, I must clean it out again.

Yeah. It'd be horrible. No, I think that's what it would be like. Please use cotton, but use those little things. Q-tips, yeah. But I think that's right. Guy Fawkes is not as fun. But I think it's harder to explain.

As a kid, I didn't get it. So Guy Fawkes wanted to blow up his own parliament to try and help the King of Spain. But he wasn't Spanish. He wanted a different English person who was Catholic to be the King of the... The moment you got past the word parliament, that is as far as our education went.

Yes, exactly. The Spain thing didn't factor. And also it wasn't ever made clear to us, are we celebrating what he tried to do, or are we celebrating his punishment? Which is- That's it. As a kid I was like, so we're doing explosions to celebrate the explosions that didn't happen.

Yeah. And we're going, imagine if, what could have been? Because we don't do. Yeah. And you feel like if I get this wrong, I'm going to get really told off because people are like, you want to blow up your own parliament? Exactly. You're a five year old boy? So we're like. You want to kill David Meller? No, I'm going to get really told off because people are like, you want to blow up your own parliament? Exactly. You're a five-year-old boy? So we're like. You want to kill David Meller?

No, I don't want to kill David Meller. You want to blow up parliament to help the King of Spain? Yeah. Who exists? Yeah, they have. Who is real? I always just go, right, so there's explosions in the sky in a big fire to celebrate explosions in a fire that didn't happen.

And we burn the, it just, it didn't make any sense to me at all. The poem kind of clarifies a lot of it, and I say poem very loosely, but all we were told was remember, remember, the 5th of November, gunpowder, treason, and plot. And I remember filming a TV show at a school for some reason a couple of years ago, and the poem went on, and I was like, there's more verses,

and it's one of those ones that really- Shall ever be forgot. It falls off as hard as 30 days of September, April, June, November. All the rest of 30, and then the rest is just a horrible footnote. And you go, not a poem, is it? But all the rest of Guy Fawkes is sort of like, and explosions you see, but then the Spanish that... I'm 10. I'm 10. So we don't have to do this.

It's like the rest of the national anthem. There's more? There's like eight verses to it, if you want. I thought it was just the football bit. I thought it was an in-out-done with... There's a bit where the original song is to do with stopping an uprising in the highlands. So there's a verse where it says,

rebellious Scots to crush. There's a line in the fifth verse of the old version of the national anthem. I think now they do just use the two verses verses which are just, good luck to the boss. We hope you don't get sick. Yeah, wishing you well. Wishing you well. Hope whatever you're planning comes off.

Good luck with the schemes. We don't want to have to change the lyrics again. Yeah. Yeah. Good luck with your schemes. We're locked want to have to change the lyrics again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good luck with your schemes. We're locked into King now for the rest of our lives, certainly. Easily. Yeah. So it would have to go so right for it to happen. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Are we the only regicide podcast? We're the only regicide. Yeah. We're actively planning a regicide. We're the only one willing to only regicide. Yeah, we're actively planning a regicide We're the only one willing to discuss regicide. Yeah willing to discuss. We're still an anti-murder podcast though anti-murder. That's Legacy has not changed. Yeah, that's

Others aren't brave enough to talk about that. No that murder is bad. Mm-hmm There was some clip of a guy going around Saying like everyone should just stop killing each other and then then everything would be fine Yeah, like on a podcast really with total seriousness as if that was like a really good idea. I it's so funny I just there's a guy I went to school with mega fan mega fan and and and Bud pod Old head the originator of The Baby Has Poot, Mari. Oh yes.

Sent that in, sent that to us, saying like, you're not the only anti-murder broadcast anymore. People are learning. A guy I went to school with, I saw on Facebook, this was when there were loads of ISIS attacks across sort of France and the UK. Oh yeah.

Posted a status saying, just love each other people. And I remember thinking I hope I hope that doesn't work and annoyingly after that they were just like no more ISIS attacks and it was like fuck's sake he made it work they read it he read it they read it and they read it and they had he John read it yeah he went mmm went, mm, hadn't considered that. Just so asinine and it fully worked. Just love each other. And he was just so, I could hear his smirk. It was just...

How many comments that were just heart or love emoji? Yeah, wow, I hadn't thought about it like that. That's a really lovely thought. Yeah, yeah. People commenting things like, quite right. Yeah. Quite right. One nicest person commenting. No

Stop it. Yeah, go break it up guys. Break it up. We can be civil. Oh We should say check Glenn's Instagram out for the poem We talked about the boomer slop boomer slop poem and and if you can find the original on Twitter do check that out because the replies Excuse me. We're amazing. It was just yeah people who were just fantasising about life in the 60s when it was obviously so clearly miserable. Yeah. Ten sausages a year. On the subject of the 60s, I had a horrible memory come back recently because we're at a stage of the year where you and I have upcoming new shows, like new tour shows. At the Fringe. Come see us at the Fringe.

And we're feeling sick all the time. Yeah, dreaming about it. Dreaming all the time. I woke up at half two this morning. Yeah? Terrified. What happened in the dream? No dream.

Just woke up and was sort of like, this is happening. This is happening soon. Oh, so you had like, OK, just a general. I woke up with a, I woke up in a Kevin sort of way. And the thing is, we're reaching a stage now where it's in a few weeks. So anytime you have a gig that goes a bit sticky, it's so much more profound because you're like, is this what it's going to be like? Or if it happened in November, you're like, that's

just saying what happens. A lot of people can't really get their head around the idea of like dying on your ass as a comedian because I've probably got relatives who if I was like, if you saw a Michael McIntyre work, Michael McIntyre has probably done one work in progress this year Where it went down to not much laughter. They'd be like that's not true. Yeah, you take that take that You bust they react you're horrid for saying you apologize to Michael McIntyre. Horrid boy. They react people react like you're saying sometimes a Brick wall can float and fly away and isn't heavy. Yeah, you just go, sometimes the doctor deliberately kills the patient.

What? Yeah? But like, we talk like once every like, once every two months. But they see it also that funniness is an immutable characteristic, like heaviness. Well, yeah. So you just go, you know there's really heavy weights at the gym. Sometimes they don't weigh anything at all. Sometimes they're completely like- Before I knew stand up was like written,

I thought it was just, oh, Lee Evans goes on stage and he just is funny. Yeah. And then it's like Inception where you never remember the beginning of a dream. You go, I never remember how this set started. So I was like, something must have happened in the room to spark off all this stuff that he said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. How lucky he's had such a funny day of thoughts.

Yeah. Well, thank God if it wasn't for that It would have been a miserable experience. I did have an old colleague You asked me that years ago. She said do you ever worry what happens if you go out and nothing funny happens? And I just thought it's it's better to just preserve the magic and just go it's a fear. It's a worry I worry about hasn't happened yet, but it might any day now the any day now the idea that you're like a sort of a Butterfly catcher and you just have a big net and you just go around trying to swoop funny things into this net. What if there's no butterflies?

What if there's no butterflies today? Yeah, I guess I'm just a hunter during a particularly barren season. Exactly. That's what happened. No carrots today. Joke's gone south for the winter. It's okay. We've made it through winter before. We'll do it again. We'll have to take some of the jokes from summer and pickle them. Yes, we'll take some of the old ones.

My mother-in-law is so, okay, we'll do that again. Pickled and salted jokes in a barrel. We've got one about Keir Starmer, that'll last for the next couple of years. That'll keep, Keir Starmer will keep for a couple of years. Put it in the smokehouse. It's, it was a basic, I've reached a stage of the year where I'm not trying to write any like brand new more bits. I'm like, the content of a show is there. Any additional bits I write over the next couple of months are going to be like directly linked to that show. I'm not looking to like come up with any more new routines or anything like that.

Because if you do, it's just, it feels like a waste of time. And it again, feels so much more profound when it goes badly. And I was having a flashback to the last time I did a tour show and it was a couple months before the fringe And I was in a pub having hung out with a friend And then he needed to head off and when I just had this idea for a routine And I just wrote it out and I was like I really like the sound of it I'm really happy and I happened to be in tough nor park where there's aces and eights which sometimes is a comedy night downstairs and Andy bar from the born yesterday podcast, he was obviously hosting a gig there and he was hanging around outside

because it was like the interval. And I was like, this is the sort of thing like Chris Rock would do, the sheer arrogance of what I did. I just sort of went, can you put me on for like five, have you got like five minutes spare but I can just try out something? And he was like, yeah, go right ahead. And I was like, brilliant, there's a couple other bits

I wanna try, but I really wanna try this new bit. And I think it is amongst the hardest I've ever died. And I just had such pride, confidence and just and fresh off the griddle ready to go. With just like a freshly hatched duckling of a. And I was so proud and I never said it again. Such a delicate joke. The whole concept with regards to the 60s was that I was talking very sincerely about

my grandfather who worked in basically sort of like MI6 and the like and died recently. But I was talking about his traumatic experiences as a spy. It became gradually apparent, but my token was Austin Paz. And that didn't work. Not remotely. And I was like after his wife died, he was so traumatized, he was found like wandering naked around the shopping center and people were like holding up sausages to try and cover him up.

When he lost his mojo, which I referred to as the government having him chemically castrated. Sounds like maybe you didn't make it clear enough. I didn't make it clear enough. But was it though? But it was just treated as like, what the fuck happened to your girl? Why are you telling us? Sounds like maybe you didn't make it clear enough. I didn't make it clear enough. But was it though? But it was just treated as like, what the fuck happened to your girl? Why are you telling us?

I was so sure about it. I was so sure about it. It was just miserable. It was so, it was such a miserable bit. Was Andy Barr like, what the fuck have you done? You've ruined the night. Like you said. You've ruined the night.

Like you've just said, sorry, can I just, can I leap off for five minutes? I've got this bit I'm really excited to try. Yeah, sure. The middle of the night. Like you've said. You've ruined the night. Like you've just said, sorry, can I just, can I just leap up for five minutes? I've got this bit I'm really excited to try. Yeah, sure. The middle of the show. So everything afterwards depends on that being a good mood. You've just gone up and read out a list of slurs. And then left.

It sounded probably to them like my granddad had just died and I hadn't dealt with it. No. I hadn't processed it. And I'd said to him, can I just, I just need to talk. I just need to go on stage. I just need to talk. I just think there's something in this. I need to him, can I just, I just need to talk. I just need to go on stage and I just need to talk. I just think there's something in this. I need to come to a conclusion.

I need to come to a conclusion about my grandpa. Was it that London thing that can happen where in some comedy clubs in London, because they are the first thing that comes up if you Google comedy London London things to do London. Yeah. The audience is mostly Spanish backpackers. Like yeah I know this sounds like a sort of thing like Katie Hopkins would say I've known entire comedy clubs to fall to international audiences.

When you go on stage and you sort of go, you could be like, has everyone heard of Mission Impossible? And they'll be like, I, I, I, um. Half the crowd's basically going, no, we don't want any. When there's so much whispering because the people fluent in English are translating for their partner who isn't. And you go, this is banal. I feel like I'm doing a gig at the UN.

But everyone's got headsets in. And he is saying that his uncle fell down the stairs and tumbled into a car. The mother of his wife, she is a burden. He's saying the bullies at his school, that was just the professors, the teachers, just the teachers. And then they're having to go, because you're doing a reveal, it's a punchline. Yeah, yeah. No, he meant he was actually a member of staff. I was confused, I thought he was a pupil at the school.

Doing a corporate gig at the Yalta conference. Stalin having someone whispering in his ear. Yeah. I had that the other day, someone was translating my set into Mandarin. Into fucking English, right? Into fucking comedy. How about that?

Into Mandarin, I think. They had a friend from China. They messaged me afterwards saying, oh, that was me. They enjoyed it, too. They were nice about it. Yeah. But it was mad, obviously the person having it translated laughed like three times properly, but about 100 times was going, ah.

Ah. Just going, ah, yes, OK. Like we would if someone, like if we were in, you know, I don't know. I mean, if we were in China or India, India going, oh, this bit is about like, it's about how he shares a flat with his brother and his brother's really messy and he played a prank on him about them and you go, oh, okay. Yeah, I thought you were reading up a synopsis in the TV guide. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or if someone just went, I don't have time to take you through the whole plot. Yeah, he just can't seem to get things right, but would it be would it be funny if? Yeah, someone they're really messy So you do a prank where you you make you paint some of the mess on? To the counter and the guy tries to clean it off and it doesn't come off you yeah. Yeah, that could be funny Yeah, I can see I can watch it later. So it's more like a writers room thing Yeah, it's almost like you're having jokes explained to you in a writers room. I thought thought so much of my stuff is almost untranslated. Remember, doing a show in 2018. But that's the thing, it's like Austin Powers. It would take a few seconds for an English

crowd to go, hang on, it's fucking Austin Powers. Whereas someone from a country that they may not have seen it, they don't know what MI6 is, they don't have... You say, you know, back in the swinging 60s, and they go, ins and they go in my country the 60s great bloodshed we were formed in 1983 of 11 countries we didn't have the 60s there was no music and also if you saw Austin Powers today Union Jack Garth pinstripe suit you think he's in the you think he's in the EDL? He's a reform MP. Yeah, yeah. He's like, Osterbaus is in Britain first. He would absolutely be in Britain first.

But nobody's not a hooligan. Nobody's got that slightly off aesthetic. He would be the financier. Exactly. The very wealthy people who benefit from the thick people in Britain first. Those people. That would be him where you go, I don't know what's in this view. It's so much more sinister when they're in a really smart suit. And a much younger girlfriend, like far right, when you get a really far right woman in her twenties, that's like really sinister as well.

And they're always very Aryan. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Singapore based financier Austin Powers was seen today at the march. Austin Powers defending the Senator. Saying to a lot of protesters that what they're doing is not groovy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They keep interrupting him in silence because he keeps going, yeah baby,

yeah! He does it right at the end. Do I make you a nationalist, baby? How old is Austin Powers supposed to have been? He's 52. He's 52. You're such a big fan of Austin Powers that you're doing that gatekeeping thing. Yeah The suits are from a different tailor to the other guy that's why they look like that seen it

Have you want to be part of the club? Austin powers in the 60s. Well, how old is he supposed to be? I Man, this is gonna be really bleak because if we say like 40, I think it is then he's dead But that's my point they froze him yeah, so that's why he was alive now at all he was frozen He should have been he should have been dead God the idea of someone being transported of 1960s opinions to the present day, but that's what was so impressive Yeah, I rewatched it. It really stood up. What's the powers? Yes. You saw it twice yesterday, didn't you? I saw twice yesterday once this morning.

I can't wake up without it. Oh, dude. Don't talk to me until I've had my morning, the spy who shagged me. Don't talk to me until I've had my morning watching Austin Powers, in brackets, in full. Director's cut. Director's cut.

What was the director going? my voice needs to be heard? The director's going, the studio made me cut, in my opinion, nine out of the ten shagadelies. He should have been saying it constantly. It really stood up, yeah. I was expecting it to be as cancelable as large sections of say Ace Ventura. But it really wasn't. It's the stuff you'd imagine would be that isn't. Mrs. Doubtfire really holds up. Apparently White Chicks really holds up. Really? Austin Powers. Yeah. Because also Austin Powers is like all about consent. Yeah. It's just the... He's a hippie. It's just

the walking around shopping center naked, which is indecent assault. But also at the same time, as we've already established, that's trauma. But's trauma. You have to prove his wife has just died That's trauma. You have to prove intent. Yeah. Yeah, nudism is not illegal But it is illegal if people can say you were clearly doing it to fuck with people when I was at like primary school A rumor went around that there was an uncensored version of Austin Powers where you could see his dick And we so you were desperate to see it. Everyone was desperate to see it. We were all trying to find it. And I was like, what are we doing?

We were like nine. Everyone wanted to see Austin Powers' dick. All these kids wanted to see Mike Myers' dick. Wanted to see Mike Myers' dick. We were just so desperate. Like sort of like, let's see the guy with the shirt. Let's see his dong. Imagine the fear of hearing that as Mike Myers.

There's this school in London, and all the children there are hunting. They've heard. They're hunting for pictures of your dick. Yeah, they're looking for leaked dick pictures online. Yeah, all these children. And Mike Myers, you go, what the fuck? Why? Yeah, you're on, they're looking for Mr. Skin.

They think you're on Mr. Skin. Someone told them about Mr. Skin. If he was... Can we establish the worst ever name? Oh, it's a horrible name. It's the name... Mr. Skin. It's a name from like a schlocky horror film. His entire arms are scissors.

Mr. Skin. He's got a, well, he's a doctor that's got a torch on the forehead. One of those ones, the big light, the big mirror light thing. Yes, yes, yes, yes. The reflective disc. Yeah, and he says things like,

Dr. Jones, you want to see inside the Ark as much as I do. Get out of here, Mr. Skin. You have no idea what you're, the power... you're toying with. Marianne, don't look at the nudes! Mike Myers' dick flying out of a box and melting Mr. Skin's head off. And they gazed upon the glory of Mike Myers' dick and their faces melted. Yeah, Mike Myers' dick was causing all these heads to explode it's glorious Jones don't know what you're missing 12 inches of Myers's dick it's a very good Harrison Ford. Oh, thank you. I think it's very good. It's horrible to hear him say things like that.

The work on the balls. It should be in a museum. It belongs in the Amsterdam Sex Museum. That's where he's a lecturer. That's actually where he's a professor. Yeah, there's a girl blinking and she's just tattooed dicks onto Riley. What the fuck? He's just horrified. I was gonna say if Austin Powers was 40 in the 60s, like he could have been a World War

Two veteran. Like genuinely, he's not necessarily the wrong age to have- Fighting for. Because I feel like the lady doth protest too much. If you're driving around in a Union Jack car, you go, that's the equivalent of fleeing to Argentina. It's like you go- No one British is doing this.

Yeah. Oh, Mr. England. Yeah. Yeah. Nice to swing here in Canobie Street. And he's wearing a disguise. I mean, he's wearing a mad big wig and glasses. Yeah, it's clear. He's definitely bald underneath. A mole thing and a big frilly collar. Yeah. I just like to dress like English person. Yeah. Yes.

Because his middle name's Danger. And it's obviously that's like dang it Other dangish Schmidt aircraft that was his name is is is is What's what's danger in German? Oh god attention, but then danger would be like God it's like hazard base. I can't remember. Yeah, it's something different because it's not like in Danger, or whatever, it's like peligroso.

Gefahr. Gefahr. Yeah, Gefahr. His name is Austin Gefahrmacht. Danger power. He escaped at the last second, he's like the end of Downfall basically, he was in the bunker being informed of, oh that's just not Chagadev. Oh that's really not on Churchill.

There's a bit in Downfall that they cut where there's the bit where Hitler's taking his glasses off and he's massaging his thing, his eyebrows. Yeah. What's this called? The bridge of your nose. Massaging your eyebrows, like the idea it would be the opposite ends of his eyebrows.

What's this? The bridge of your nose? God, I need to go on a one month holiday twelve times a year. Hitler's going, oh the Algarve take me back, take me back, fucking hell. Right, out of office on. O-O-B, out of bunker. I'm going on Skyscanner, I'm looking up flights to Buenos Aires and I don't care how I get there. How many battalions? I need some sea, I need some sun, that's it.

Ever, come on, You come in with me. You know what? Bring the dog. The bit where he's massaging the bridge of his nose and it's all the assembled generals and he says they should all need to leave except for like Keitel, Yordle. If you look actually in the back, Austin Powers is there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Standing nervously. Yeah, yeah, trying to figure out what happened to the fact. And Hitler's going, Kalli, Jodl, Austin Powers. He says it. They cut it.

If you watch the director's cut, he wants Austin Powers to stay and give him advice. Can someone please photoshop? It's Austin Powers reassuring the weeping secretary outside the door. Don't worry, I'm sure he's got an incredible plan! Yeah. And then just immediately tunneling out through a sewer. Yeah, there's a German Michael York, well done Austin! Well, speaking of crazies and bunkers, it's time to do some correspondence.

Holiday Hitlers really. Holiday Hitler. I've got me outer bunker on. It's time. Oh my god. So we've got some Instagram slop. Sun, sand, and suspicious Germans. That's the reality show for BBC Three about Nazi hunter Simon

Wiesenthal's expeditions to South America. We have vays of making you sunbathe. It's Simon Wiesenthal and the Nazi hunters watching CCTV footage going, that's a lot of sausages for a South American man to eat. Why would they sell schnitzel in this beach bar? I think we should interview this guy. This is oh lord, yeah, okay. This is from Tom.

It's pretty it's pretty wretched. Hi Tom. Is it wretched? It's pretty wretched. Sorry, one second. Hi, Tom. Hi, both. Majority of praise redacted, although very much enjoying the second series. Hopefully over time, we can start to see Glenn emerge as the Ringo to Phil's Pete Best. Oh, okay. Which is good. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not a huge beefers person. Hang on, hang on. Ringo replaced Pete Best. Pete Best, yeah. So the idea is you'd also then leave? No, no, no, no as in Pete Best was Phil. Phil, I see. Yeah. Got it.

In response to your request for Facebook slop, below is the worst thing I've ever seen, although in full disclosure I didn't see it authentically in the wild, but only being shared by people mocking it. Obviously dates from, you know, the whole take the knee thing. Okay. You know. marking it. Obviously dates from the whole take the knee thing. BLM and that four years ago. The height of all that. The idea is that there's an English taboo against kneeling. It's a kind of incredibly pixelated image of a crusader on one knee. And it says the only four times an English man should take to his knees. Oh, it's gonna be like fucking Dominic Raab again, isn't it?

Dominic Raab was like the only time we've ever kneeled. It was like, for our mom, and when I propose to the missus. Or something like that. And you go, shut up. And to Paddington Bear. And to Paddington Bear. One. And to Paddington Bear. One to propose, you've got that. Okay.

Three before our monarch. Fuck him when. When does that come up? It doesn't happen. And you don't kneel for the, I don't think if you met the, when you see people lined up to meet the king. You do a little bow. They bow, but it was a bit like I... Do you kneel for a knighthood? Maybe?

Yes, you do. You do have to get down on your knees, yeah. But I remember when the Queen's coffin was on display and all the queues were there. It was... You'd see so many people queuing it up and then it was always men. When they get to the front, they didn't know what to do and they'd make up their own military suit that was kind of like Father, Son, Holy Ghost, but with a sort of like salute. Our heaven mom, our heaven praised mom, I hereby declare thee in heaven. And you go, oh man, this is

sad to see. But I mean, they do like a sort of hops, like shaking goodbye. And then they go, well, this is a train wreck. Trying to kiss it. Yeah. So I think there are people that are sort of like, well, I would kneel. I would take the knee for my kid. They imagine they would kneel. Yeah.

That's true. This is the thing with it. If you remove Victorian etiquette from society, where there was a rule for everything, like how to go up the stairs versus how to go down, then people will just have to make up embarrassing things and do them. So if you don't want to be embarrassed, you have to have rules.

It's Victorian style, incredibly autistically friendly, a rule for everything. If you can learn them, you will be correct. So we've got the only times I'd ever kneel, proposing, kneeling for the king. Yeah. And BLM. I imagine it was like really woke and you go, oh, okay. What? That's the only top, and no more. And still a picture of a crusader. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's this guy?

I was with Colin when he did it for Izzy, yeah. I was. Absolutely. And you'd go, I need, you'd click through on the guy's Facebook page. I'd go, this guy contains multitudes. Yeah, what an contains multitudes. Yeah, what an incredibly complex man. Yeah.

Gosh. The only statues I'd be pulling down is of slave traders. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. You're really cross. So you're saying you like it.

Yes. So yeah, Monarch. Yeah. Proposing to the missus. Proposing to the missus. And getting down to make a jam-butty. I bet it's going to be some... Is it going to be frivolous?

Or do you call it copper? Prayer. Prayer by the bed. Yes, sit before our Lord. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah. What a subservient little... Little man. Yeah. And there's another. Think

of the other thing that these people treat as a religion. I want to pretend I'm going in an elevator behind the soap. To make my family and children giggle. And only those four times, none of those a single time more. When I sellotape shoes to my knees and pretend I've got little legs. And walk about the garden. I thought, there's just this thing to do behind the sofa, is to go, this is me on the airport travelator and you just keep walking normally. It's just normal, it's just normal. Kneeling down, when do I kneel down?

Tie shoes? It's, no it's another thing where the kneeling is completely not what you do at all. So kneeling is a false path. Just think purely about this kind of person and the other thing they're obsessed with posting about on Facebook. Okay, so Lord, Monarch, Wife, Churchill. You're close. Fuck, is it English? Well World War II. Captain Tom! No, no is it English well World War two

Captain top no no no no war two in general wait they they kneel for World War two They know for the puppet to respect our fallen to respect our fallen. There's no kneeling There's no kneeling no they don't they don't kneel they sort of bend down. Yeah, you go you've never done any of this Yeah, you've never done any of this. Yeah. Oh, you've never proposed. You're single. I'm not. I'm not. I'm a guy whose whole thing is imagining kneeling.

Yeah. It's. I wish I had a reason. He refuses to put his shoes on each day. Well, it doesn't cover any of the four. Get the king on the TV, or I'm not doing it. Yeah. Well, something that irritates me about this kind of slop

as well is often you'll see someone really earnestly trying to share something about remembering the veterans of World War II or veterans in general. And all the pictures they're sharing are of the American military. Yeah, it'll be the American soldiers putting the flag up. It is like the US flag as well. And you go, come on, mate.

Once I saw one where they love those silhouettes. But the silhouette was of an American Vietnam. It was an American Vietnam War veteran silhouette. So like the wrong gun, the wrong uniform, the wrong helmet. And a Russian MIG in the sky behind him, being shared by a mad English person. And you just think, you don't actually respect this. Because you're not exhausted by you. If you're like, well, that's wrong. That's wrong. They go,

leave me alone. Leave me alone. You know, you, you do it. You know, the type of anger I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, this is somehow incredibly racist. That's all you need to know. You just yeah, they go, just take me as I'm implied to be. Stop trying to understand something because I don't mean anything. I don't mean anything specific by anything I do or say. I'm only a ball of vibes. I got a tweet years ago complaining that no one on the panel of Mott the Week was wearing a poppy. And I wasn't the first panelist to reply being like, this is a repeat.

It was from like the summer. Really? And this, because it was on Dave or whatever. And this person said they should Photoshop them in. I mean, you've made- Just, come on, man. You just want to say- How have you ended up in a building?

That's allowed, how have you ended up in any building that's allowed you to post this? They're watching it through the window of a gym. They're watching it through the window of a gym and they've stopped a policeman to say, can I use your phone? It's an emergency. It's to do with the army. Yeah, it was from like constable whatever. I can tell it wasn't really the constable who sent it.

It's to do with the military quick the Irish host isn't wearing a poppy quick I always want to say to the people who do that kind of stuff and tweet that kind of stuff go do whatever it is you're putting off I know you have something procrastinating yeah I do with Gilmore Gilmore Girls, this is your Gilmore Girls. You're doing this and I can tell your house needs to be cleaned. Clean your house. Yeah, the idea that an empty tin of corned beef that you procrastinated about washing up to put in the recycling bin has led you to far right nationalism.

You already thought that kind of thing, but the only reason you're doing it is it's a displacement activity, because you can't be asked, hoovering up all the fucking crumbs from around your face. The crumb people, yeah. Yeah, the crummy, crummy. Well, speaking of crumbs, we've now got to go to the VIP crumb tray of the bonus pot. Oh, that was a... Have you ever had a toaster with a crumb tray? No.

It's a tray you take it and from underneath it's collected all the mad crumbs from decades of toast. Is it as satisfying as when you put all your spare change in a mug and by the end of it you've got like 70 quid? Is it ever like a loaf of bread? Are you ever like, I could do something with this? I couldn't. But someone could. So I just... Collect them, yeah. Do any urchins turn up to your house when you're doing it and ask for a bag of scraps? Free the birds! Can I have a bag of scraps?

That would be a horrifying thing to do with the hairdressers. Oh yeah, fuck. Do a bag of scraps? Or just show up and go, any hair? Yeah, yeah. And you've just got a big one of those huge like wheelbarrows. Knocking on the door. Just whack as much in as you can, yeah. Hair man. Hair man.

What's it for? Alright, I'll leave it then. Bye bye. No, what's it for? It's okay. Don't worry about it. Just tell me what's it for. No, I'll leave it. No, it's okay. Yeah. No hair then.

I'll go to a different one. Alright, there's another one down the road now. Leave it. That's okay. Yeah, no hair then. I'll go to a different one All right, there's another one down the road busy day Gotta keep gotta keep moving Thank you, thank you for listening guys patrons, we'll see you on the patreon Koji