BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2e30 Beef Impact

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

2026 and BudPod is back! The boys chat New Year’s Eve, collective lies and pasta madness. Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI Subscribe to our YouTube channel here, for access to full video versions of BudPod. Glenn is on tour across the UK! For tickets go to https://www.glennmoorecomedy.com/ Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and Now TV Pierre is on tour this year! Tickets available now at https://www.pierrenovellie.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod Pod 30! I can't operate on this boy. This boy is too dirty. You really got producer Ben. Sorry. Was that a sip of tea moment? This boy's too dirty. How filthy. I guess they do have to kind of...

I'm not ducking in touch with that. I'm a surgeon, but... Well, this is how I feel about a friend of ours who had to have a little operation on his balls, and they went in through his shoulder. Yes. But I thought it'd be funny... The things the balls are... would least expect.

You have to sneak up on the bullet. They hide. Yes, to operate on a bollet, you must first think like a bollet. Remember, Hannibal, through the Alps, took, almost took Rome, balls through the shoulder, yes. Dick through the ear, through the dick. That one is both in both ways. But through the balls, not for the shoulder,

through the balls for the throat. I thought it would be funny if he'd been like, Wow, is that how it's usually done? They'd go, no, we just saw your balls and thought, I'm not fucking touching that. I'm not touching that. That is fucking awful. So, I'm going to go through your neck. Your neck seemed like the cleanest part of you.

We actually just picked the cleanest area of your body and go through there, wherever it is. Yeah, and it seemed the cleanest part was your neck, which is very anti-Victorian, I think. It seems to pop up a lot in Victorian literature. You wash your neck, boy. They're obsessed with washing their neck. What's happening to it? Dirty collars? To stop your collar getting dirty, and I think it's...

they were always, A, the thing I always forget is that the air was just soot. Yeah. So, and then like that plus, like, you're putting grease in your hair and it's just all running down onto your neck. Oh, that's grim. Right? It's horrible. So that's a bit you'd have to scrub. Scrub your neck and behind your ears.

Yeah. I was thinking, actually, in terms of scrubbing. People don't get dirty the way that they used to. They don't. They really don't. I've always wanted to be muddied to such an extent that there's a lot of, there's a lot of He's a bit in the pianist, the Adrian Brody film. Now, the only bit of his life that I envy in that film is that...

When he gets to play the piano for that Nazi officer. That's your dream gig, isn't it? He gets to get away from his family for a while. He has a bath, and you just see this ring of just... You'd have loved... actual clods of, like, mud. You'd have loved the post-rugby game bath. Exactly this. I've always wanted to do tough mother for that very, only for the, for the cleanliness bit afterwards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I've really wanted. In terms of scrubbing, I was having a thought over the Christmas holidays. And it was back in the 70s and 80s, what excuses did bold people give for not going on a date? And did they have to say, I can't come out tonight, I'm washing my head. I'm washing my head tonight. I can't. You can really create a horrible feeling if you swap washing verbs around. Like brushing or... Yeah, I'm just gonna wash my teeth. Oh, I don't like that. That's horrible, isn't it? I'm gonna... And you wouldn't say scrub your hair.

I was gonna scrub my hair and wash my teeth. Yeah, but I'm gonna buzz shit, isn't it? I've been looking, I've been enjoying really visceral language to describe whenever Le Bufant's nappy needs changing every Christmas break. It was, of course, different to the Ratch. Yeah, Le Bufant is the youngest. Yes, but saying to Katie, sort of like,

oh, I think he needs scraping. Oh, God. Well, as our friend said in reaction to that, like the shells from demolition now. The three shell system. How was your Christmas? Good, yeah. Back to the island. Went back to the island.

Epstein's. Yep. Little St. James. Much quieter these days, and that's the way I like it. Yeah. Yeah. Again, to bloody get away from it all. Would you?

A quiet Christmas. I just need to be. to be massaged by traffic people for six months a year. Twice a year. Basic, basic Mitch Epstein. Live love, love.

Oh, I need a month long holiday 12 times a year on Epstein's Island. You don't have to say that final bit. Don't say that final, though. No, but that's what I want. Ginny Weasley. I thought you said, ginnel, please thee, on Epstein's Island. No, leave that bit out. You don't need to...

That sentence can happen anyway. Here's a question. Yeah. I think I once posed the... Nude. Would you like to see? No, I think I once posed the scenario to fill how funny it would be. Like, if you were Elon Musk,

the most devastating thing you could do to, like, us, would be to just tweet about how much you like Budpod. Oh, fuck. Yeah, right? Oh, no. Imagine your life would be changed just because someone likes what you do. Through no fault of yours. Someone's shit your pants.

Someone shit your pants. Someone shit your life. Someone crawled into your bank account and shat into the wires kind of thing. Well, I had this theory that, again, over the Christmas break, that in order of screwing someone over like this, that Jeffrey Epstein hated Stephen Hawking. Yeah, yeah. And as a result, brought into the island. Yeah.

Took pictures of him surrounded by girls. Hawking is desperately trying to type, I don't want this. We're trying to wheel her together, put the joystick away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did love strippers, so, Hawking, we do know this. Is that true? I didn't know that. Yeah. Well, he went a few times to Spearmint Rhino and stuff. A system where they dance and they're good for money.

Yeah, yeah. Not just for fun. Yeah. He couldn't move, but he could just put like a fiver down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know he could do that. Yeah, it's just a very specific. It's the only thing. Yeah, he disliked him and whoever the fucking linguist is,

Noam Chomsky, who was there alone. But so in a similar vein To the Elon Musk doing a tweet about your question Because you got like They would immediately propel you Like of the 20 million people Who Rage looked at your stuff Yeah

You'd hopefully keep some fans But maybe the attention would destroy you Like a magnifying glass on an ant Well I tell you who did start To retweet loads of my jokes A few years ago That was Graham Linnehan And it was like oh no no no

I'd have loved this 10 years ago Linnehan going This is my favourite My protege if you will Yeah Yeah For most representative of my viewpoint of the world The way I see the world

He's buying another Solo Carbonara Retweeting it in the queue Robert Tyres Or like Not laughing But like reading your joke And going

Hmm Yeah That's a sort of thing They would do Isn't it? Hmm Very good So here's

That's the worst reaction to a joke possible. In the similar vein to the El-Mus thing, would it be... Let's presume you have an incredibly good reason for this. You have a good reason. It's not mysterious. It's incredibly easily explained. But there is a photo of you with Gillen Maxwell.

Sorry, is there a canon reason I'm with her? It's up to me to decide... It's a reason that the average person will be like, oh, weird, but fair enough. Yeah. Like meeting at an awards thing. corporate I handed out an award for like, best trafficker. Best trafficker, yeah.

And you say, well, I didn't know. I thought it meant directing traffic and everyone ago. Yeah, that's fair enough. Fair enough, yeah. Yeah. She had paddles. I thought she was like an air traffic. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, man. You'd put it online, wouldn't you? Yeah, you'd say, God, I can't believe. Look, let's get ahead of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be the first to get ahead of it. I can tag the location.

The location is London, UK. Yes, and I can be paid to write some article about what it was like to meet... My time was Jolaine, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I wonder how many kids are called that now, and named that. You know, like, Nigel just vanished from the UK?

Yes. I imagine they already weren't that many. I mean, it's a Celtic name. Well, I wonder... Scottish name. I reckon there's enough in the same people in the world that there are more now. In defiance.

Well, let's do it now. Show them what we really think. Yes, exactly that. So that our kid, when they're 35, we'll have to do the equivalent of us explaining some link with our name in like the Kennedy assassination. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm called Lee Harvey.

Yeah, I'm called Glenn because I was named after the grassy knoll. But Christmas was fine. Good, I'm glad. It was good. I was back on the island. Yeah. And so my extended family, which was very nice. My nephews did cards of me as a kind of hairy elf.

My nephews are obsessed with the fact that I'm hairy. For the rest of your family is very tall. The whole family's tall. But you're the only hairy one. I'm the only hairy. Harry and the Henderson. Yes, yeah, yeah. I'm kind of big foot to them.

Yeah, I keep asking you to leave and dropping you in the woods. Yes, yeah, exactly. See you soon, Pierre. And I've got like an unchanging facial expression. Big glove hands. I told you you looked like a hensons. Yes, they sort of... Their dad is not a hairy man.

Okay, yeah. So I think that's why you're in, when you're a kid, a normal man is your dad. Yeah. No matter what. And a weird person is your uncle. Yes, exactly. Yeah. And I'm a weird, hairy, giant relative who is sort of alternatingly fun and boring.

Yes. Is there a pressure on you over family events to be like you're the entertainment? Not loads. It's quite useful to have some boisterous kids around. The focus is really on them. Yeah. That's quite useful. a real node.

Yeah, I'd say it's more like that. They want me to wrestle them, though. My nephews want to fight me at all times. It's like I'm teaching them kung fu or something, and they know that they can only ever leave the temple by killing me. It's because they know that they can't bring you down, but they'd like to try. And doing so won't hurt you in the same way that they can't batter an aunt.

Exactly. Yeah, the Christmas aren't battering. Yeah. Is it a tradition canceled months ago? Months, only months. Yes, I think that's it. And also, I'm able and willing to do things like fully horizontally body slam them into a couch cushion. Oh, that's good, yeah, yeah.

Chokeslaming kids is always funny. I do it from, like, the torso. Yeah. Well, no, a choke slam is like hand on the chest, hand on the back. Oh, is it? Where your fingers look like they're around the floor. And they're absolutely not. No, I could pick my nephew up under his armpits and just full on like a paving slab onto a pile of cushions.

Yeah. Which is the best thing in the world, if you're like a seven-year-old. Well, I did this to a wretch years ago. Yeah. Because he really liked to sort of run into my hat. He'd run along the sofa. Yeah. And I'd put my hand out and it would like gently pat his chest

and he would go down as if he'd been like clotheslined. Nice. He loved it. And so I was like, well, let's show everyone. And I brought everyone in and I was like, look at this. And I did it. And he fell awkwardly and just started screaming. And everyone went, what are you doing, Glenn?

And it was like, I... He asked me too. He asked me too. The boy, wished the boy crazed it. The boy, Crave. He was laughing. It was funny. He wanted it to happen.

And everyone has their backs turned to you, occasionally looking back at you, like, oh, for God's sake. The pheromone. The pheromone. Somehow tripped the boy. I got very worried about the pheromone over Christmas break. I didn't get affected by it. How was yours?

It was really nice, thanks. Yeah, a bit of it spent at my parents for a couple of days, and then we drove from Brighton to Newcastle all day. Bloody-old. And stayed with one of her aunts where Katie's extended family. It's like 40 people. And they'll have a big get-together, and it's insane. It's very, very nice.

But we went to a pantomime. Yes. And that was really good fun. And I was glad, I think we spoke about this off air, but I was really glad that, and I wish it had happened earlier, but about maybe an hour into the pantomime, I realized that Joe McHaldry, former X-Factor winner, was in the cast. Yeah. And I was glad of that information, because up until then, I was so baffled as to why almost

all the jokes in the pantomime were about how Joe McHaldry's get. And up until that point, before I knew who's it, I thought it was one of the most surreal on-stage shows I'd ever seen him, which was like, why are they constantly mentioning it? I haven't heard him mentioned for 10 years. Like an alternative comedy in joke. Yes. In a sketch show. Or like how in the Mighty Boosh they insist on using Euros.

Just like a deliberately odd choice. Yes, it was like, just leave him alone. And then it was like, oh, he's in it. He's in the show. Okay, right. This all makes sense. Was he wearing heavy makeup? Or are you just sufficiently unfamiliar with McEljory's face?

I think when someone gets a super famous when they're 19, and then you next see them when they're like 35. Fuck, yeah. And you've seen them not at all in between. It's like a high school reunion. Yeah, of course. Is that Joe McHaldry? Are you...

Meckldry? Are you still gay? From junior high? You were valedictorian. Yeah, yeah. You flunked math. Everyone was always valedictorian. Every...

Yeah. In films. Yeah, they don't discriminate. So I had a nice time doing that. I had... So my fear of the pheromone came about when staying at our aunts. I don't know if you ever to have this

when staying over night. someone's where you use their shower and you know you're not really, you haven't asked to use their shampoo. Yeah. Obviously you're going to use it. But also you're looking at it and trying to weigh up in your mind. Like, you have a toy for the bag of sad. Yeah.

But what you're weighing in your mind is how luxurious, like, am I about to use some kind of fucking 90-quid a bottle prescription? Very liquid. But like prescription that has to be flown in. Like, am I fucking up someone's life? But is it the kind of shampoo where someone's like, yeah, I've got like a cupboard of like 80 bottles. Yes, yeah, yeah.

I bought from Costco. Or is it one where within a moment they'll be like, there's some missing. Yes, yeah. People in my condition have gone to lead a long and healthy life. I just need to use this tiny bit of shampoo every day. And the bottle comes in 10 portions, and as long as I have that, I should, the immune system should be okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I always worry, I always go, will I get away with using their shampoo? Because you'll smell of them. So, I always in a situation At one point where they go, I always... You smell of me.

Like the mistrunch ball or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I always sort of like, look at the shampoo and I'm like, I hope this is the first shampoo ever to not smell of anything. Yes. And I don't know why I expect that to happen. And I...

If it doesn't smell of anything, the odds of it being an incredibly expensive prescription shampoo have increased enormously. Yes. And so I put some on my hand, and it was the most luxurious, like, chocolate-y aroma. I grew up near a chocolate factory in Croydon.

It's such a fucking... Willie Wonka. It is. And it looked just like Willie Wonka's factory. It looked really... It's called Paines Poppitz. Full of dwarfs? Trafficked African dwarfs? I thought they were. They were just children.

It was child labour, so it's fine. Don't worry. That's what those silhouettes were. But the whole area is not of chocolate. It was amazing. You got used to it after a while. There's somewhere near Birmingham where that's true as well. Well, Capri's one near there, isn't it?

But the factories are there. Yeah. Yeah. But there's, I put up my hand and I was like, this is the most, my hand has ever smelled of anything. Yeah. And it was like, I may as well go downstairs wearing a mask of her. Do you know what I mean? Like, it was so obvious, like a theft had taken, like a full robbery had taken place.

And I was trying to like get rid of it. Stinking of chocolate. I was both trying to wash my hair and be like, remove any scent that my air. I've never smelt of anything in my life. I was in the actually. Really quickly putting piss on your hair. Yeah, just a second, like flushing my head down in the toilet. Like it's cocaine in good.

Just a second! Did you get away with it? I think I did, but then I think they would have treated the theft with, if they worked it out, been like, that's a shame that Glenn stole. It was like a theft from a stately home in a period drama. Yeah. People were just stiffly not mentioning the fact that you've clearly got a candlestick in your pocket. Exactly that.

You're just strange your perpendicular erection. Yeah, you'll just never come back for Christmas. To the Buelly Manor. Yes. It was, it was very nice. Christmas Day was very nice. You run downstairs, put your head in the fucking... For Arga?

No, no. Just not immediately kill yourself. No, you run downstairs, you put your head on the quality street and go, which one will I pick? Now I smell of chocolate. Oh, no. It happens all the time.

Your dog can't eat my head. It will make your dog really ill if the dog eats my head. I slipped and my body fell in the chocolates. I got my... Individually enunciating. I got my body in the chocolate. Whatever are we to do? Oh my, oh my!

Yeah, it's cool play. So you got away with it. That's good. I think I got away with it. It was nice, the wretch being of an age where, like, Santa's obviously a massive deal. Yeah. And so it was quite nice to, like, lay out a carrot and milk and stuff at night. And then in the morning, it was very, like, we very convincingly, like, you know, sort of like, shit on the carrot is jizz in the milk. sort of like, oh, he's burgled, you know, we've been burgled.

And he really liked that. He really liked that, yeah. That was good. What I did was, I hate AI. Yeah. I thought it was a nice use of AI. And I think this buys you a few years of Santa. Take a photo of a Christmas tree of presents around it.

Add Santa in on AI, like putting most presents down. And I just blows their mind. You go, oh, thank God I set up my camera last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then my dad was like, how did you do that? Can you show me? And I was like, if you're so imperative, I don't. show my parents how to use that.

I need to keep AI. This is like Good by Lenin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's for their own safety that they kept away from AI. Do not take this rich. Yeah. Yes, it's very good by, we did the same thing. And I almost felt bad because it's like,

you're using a technique on this kid who's like seven, five and seven is my nephews. To gaslight them. Would a level of deception that up until recently, the CIA would have dreamt of. Like, they're having to get someone, who looks a bit like Castro and film him like having sex with a male prostitute

or whatever. You're using like... The Bigfoot guys would have loved that. It's the closest thing to using alien technology to like trick. Like it's insane. Like I saw someone online pointing out that like it's not insane for kids to believe in Father Christmas

because the alternative to him being real is that every adult on earth, every major movie company, every TV company, every radio station is all in on the same gang. And the scale of that is too stupidly big. It's why I believe 9-11 and the moon landing. I have no questions about them because I'm like, the hassle.

Yeah. And because everyone was in on it. Yeah. That's why on the news in 2001 would be like, and we've got our Bin Laden tracker. You can see that the guys are in their planes now. They're crossing over Florida. But now, of course, as we've said,

it's so easy to just get AI to put Bin Laden in your living room. Exactly. Exactly. Like Pokemon Go. The augmented reality of a summer bin Laden is incredible these days. Well, I've got a rare. There's a bin Laden in my room. Shiny Bin Laden. It's a shiny bin Laden in Japanese. Those are the rarest.

Those are incredibly rare. Yeah, so it does make it like... Katie was saying this. It blows their fucking minds. But I think it is incredible. It's such a wholesome liar. It's the best lie in the world. And I think it's such a good concerted effort for the world to get on board with.

Yes. But Katie was like, it does get a bit weird when it is on the news of like, and finally, Santa is making his way around. Like, he should be in Poland roundabout now. That's a bit odd. My mum was telling the story of her mum, my grandma. My grandma's brother was naughty enough one year

that he genuinely did get coal. Fuck. And there wasn't like... Because Katie's brother had this, it's coal and then about 20 minutes later, once he started like tear up, they're like, no, no, we were joking. You obviously have no longer presents.

He was naughty, so he got coal. I mean, I will say, this is in a, this would have been in like the early 1900s on a farm in the remote Orkney Islands. Oh, yeah, you're hoping your kids are naughty. I hope they're so naughty to be given the thing we've already got. You've really got a fucking use for coal as well. Yeah. You know how freezing, freezing cold it is.

Yeah, yeah. So he really got coal. And my mum was telling my nephews this story. And just a general, oh, watch out, you know, my uncle, he got coal. And one of, one of my nephews is boisterous and one is. incredibly like, like he's, well, we've got to tidy up, you know. Yeah, yeah.

He's like, we've got to do things properly. You have to behave. Yeah. And one is just like a fucking spring break. And I think this story was more for the benefit of the spring break one. Yeah. But all that happened was, my mom told the story and the conscientious, they're incredibly, he's now even like moniorotic.

Well, he just, he literally, he put his hands on his head and he went, I don't want to get cold. Oh, fuck. He didn't say, oh, fuck. No, but because the thing is, even if you took him to one side and go, you are so well behaving. be funny. Be like, you don't know that for sure.

Santa knows me better. Yeah, exactly, yeah. I've been doing so fucked, I'm so bad. There's sin in my heart. I have not rejected the devil and all his works. Whereas, like, the boisterous one who's, like, kind of crazy and doesn't... I'd be fine. He wasn't listening.

Yeah. So, my one nephew's going, oh, fucking cold. And the other kid's just going, bad. Just having a dance party on his own. Oh, shit. Yeah. Really funny. Yeah.

And immediately he was just like, oh, no. No cold talk. It's not going to go down well. How was New Year's? Because I know New Year's Eve is a big deal for you. It's one of the most insulting things I think you can say to someone. That's incredible. Well done.

Fucking hell. If someone said it to me sincerely... Yeah. But you get so excited about your fresh start. Everyone deserves a second chance. That's what I insist on saying over and over again. Everyone deserves that. A 34th.

A 34th chance, yeah. Oh, God. Big deal for you, isn't it? The most insulted I've ever been is when someone wrote it into this podcast and said, I sounded like I wore a hat. It's the most damning thing. It's damning because you've got a very clear idea in your head of what hat that you think they're talking about. I went through it at the time.

There's no good hat option. Trilby's the worst, but the big trucker hat of beloved of so many podcasters. Beanie? Why, I sound like a, I sound like a Steve door. Do I? In my head, like, um, the British act in, like Zulu. Pith helmet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pithelmet or like Safari. Yeah. Van Pelt. Yeah, Van Pelt from Jumanji. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. New Year's, crap, isn't it? It's so boring.

It's so, I was waiting. It's the worst one. We got back from... We went for such a... There's a... Italian restaurant in Newcastle. Yeah. Where, like, you can't book ahead, you just queue up.

And the staff hate everyone. And the portions are, like, sarcastically large. Like, Bruce Bogtrotty, and they go, a bit of that sort of shit you like. Cook will be very offended if you don't finish all this pasta. It's cheap, and it's enormous. Absolutely enormous. And I don't know if you ever have this sometimes,

but you just had, like, you've had... Either it's a certain amount of beer, or a certain amount of like pasta where you go from I'm having a lovely time at this restaurant of we need to leave now we need to get the bill now it's not a bathroom thing

it's I need to be outside I need to be outside I reached a level of full up Pastor madness I reached a level of full up where I like burst through the doors of the restaurant to leave outside like when Daniel Craig gets poisoned

in casino right and went to his because of a risotto you sprint to your car and like force a Rennie down you go ahead Yeah. Well, your partner on the phone is going, Glenn, Glenn!

Yes. Secret agents. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Take the bloody shit. I just needed to have to fracture. I just needed to... Come out the toilet and adjust your cuffs.

You had to roll his sleeves up. What a specific kind of... It was one of those ones we had to roll your sleeves up. What? Oh, no. A real tie-on-do-law. Yeah, a real bow-tie listener. We go away, he shaved his head.

It was one of those ones we'd say he had to put your contact lenses in. Well, the worst ones, we have to take them out. You'll take them out. Yeah. I don't want to see this. It's like Raiders of the Lost Art. Don't look at it. Don't look at it.

We got back home so full up at like 9 p.m. And it was like, I can't bear the idea of staying up for three more hours. No. to just watch Jules Holland tell me months ago, but it's now the new year. Yeah, the long dead Jules Holland. There's something so... There's something so undignified

and embarrassing about being full. Because someone's like... Oh! I had lots of dinner! It's pathetic. Yes. It's such a pathetic feeling. Because at least a hangover's a bit cool.

I'm too hungry. I ate too much. Yes. A character from a German folk tale. Yes. It's like any ice... ice cream headache. It's humiliating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the Jules Holland thing, I'm like, why can't he do it live? Show some respect.

Show some respect. You're on TV at midnight on New Year's Eve. Be live. Commit to it. Yeah. I think it would add to the jeopardy of all the live music. I hope this all works out. I hope it's all goes ahead. Well, you want to say to him, but you're Jules Holland, like you're so Mr. New Year's Eve, what else are you doing? Don't tell me you're having a quiet night in on New Year's Eve as George Holland. Yes. What the fuck's he doing? He's watching. Do you, does he watch it?

I think he watches completely nude and sort of covered in oil. Yeah, circling his nipples like the mad Max batting. Yes, exactly. He's got a horrible little chain through a waistcoat. I hate that guy so much. He's watching it. Big main screen.

Yeah. Screen over here and screen over here, every different social media feed about mentions of Jules Holland. Yes. And he's scrolling and oiling. Pouring at his screens. He's pouring oil down his chest and scrolling. And it's the night only.

ends when there's so much finger oil on the screen. Yeah, you can't scroll anymore. Leave me, B. Leave me, now I rest. Yeah. Because we ended up watching the Ronan Keating footage, profound footage of Ronan Keating performing. The BBC have, like, a designated person who is performing, like, last year,

at Sophie Alas Bexstra. Yeah, okay. And we were just like... Why was it Ronan Keating? Is Sophie Elis Bex? It was because of Salt Burn. Exactly. Yeah. It was Roning Keating, I guess he left magic.

I used to see him every morning. That was a surreal thing of, obviously, I left Absolute Radio towards the end of last year. Yes. Yes. To spend more time with my Budpod. Yes, and also sleep, sleeping. And to sleep.

I feel amazing. I feel amazing. Are you just like a character in a musical now? Just like, yeah, do that shibed-dib-do. I feel like in Wizard of Oz when it goes into Technicolor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am waking up each morning in disbelief. Like, is this what it was meant to be?

Is this what humans are meant to feel like? I feel amazing. I think you're going to... age backwards as dramatically as like the king from Lord of the Rings. I should love the two times in my life where I wasn't getting up at breakfast hours only for like say three months or four months. And I was doing this since I was like 22. Yeah. For anyone who's unaware, Glenn hasn't had a lion for 13 years.

Or even enough sleep. The two times it's happened, lockdown being the other one. It was like I just immediately lost three stone without trying. It's very funny to me. And I was having like takeaways every day. You ate takeaways and drank beer all day and you lost three stones. It was just happening because it was like, oh, I'm sleeping on it. So I'm like, I'm looking forward to seeing what, just what happens to me in the next few months.

It's going to be like when they give the injection to the guy in a Captain America. Yeah. Like six-pack. Yeah. It'd be worse if it goes the opposite way. And I become frail, Steve Roger. It makes me really uncomfortable to look at in those opening scenes of Captain America. I know it's difficult because it's CGI.

Little boy with very fair, soft hair. He looks too Nazi poster. But he's so. Grony, what I don't, I know it's difficult with CGI, but regardless of how they did it and how right they were about the proportions, his head is 8% too big for his body. And it's unsettling. Yeah, he hasn't grown into his head. Yeah. That happens to people when they're like 10. It's like in the, like when someone puts their face through a hole in a thing at the beach, you know, like one of those painted things. Yeah. But like the face holds too small for his face.

Yes. A guy lived at uni. that when we all got our student cards for the year, everyone submitted, like, you know, a passport photo or whatever, and he submitted his. And for some reason, everyone else, passport photo, white background around their head. Yeah. The uni, when they printed his,

they used the four corners as, like, the corners of his, like, lower jaw, and his, just above his eyebrows, and then stretched to the cross. And he had the most horrifying image on his card, and he had to show it as, like, ID. Everywhere we went here. And everyone, and you'd always see a...

concert recoil. Because it looked like he'd thumped up against the glass like a zombie film. Did it look like someone had cut off his face and stretched it out to try and tan it? Deeply unpleasant. Really horrible to look at. So yeah, we watched the Ronan Keating

found footage of Ronan Keating performing. Just waiting for three hours for the year to be over because I was like... Groaning and burping. 2025 has let us live in it for a year. Let's show it some respect and see the end of it. You know, and I just I'd feel a bit crap if I just went to bed and missed it,

not by that fast. No, you'd feel like you were in the sad bit that establishes that a film character needs to be redeemed. Yes. He doesn't even stay up for New Year's Eve. Oh, no, yeah, yeah, that's a wonderful life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we're just waiting for Ronan Keating to,

for it to cut away to the London eye. And when we heard fireworks outside and realized we were watching it on like a two-minute delay. I'm like, oh, the fuck, say, I just go to bed. Went to bed about four minutes past midnight once we realized we'd missed the count. And we're like, oh, okay. But yeah, in terms of a Jules Holland thing,

scrolling through social media. Yes. I wonder if he does it. Like, no one live tweets anymore, do they? No. And Blue Sky is not big enough for that to really be effective. And Instagram, it doesn't work like that. I've seen people trying to do it on Blue Sky,

but the trouble is that there is no appointment viewing anymore. So when you try and live tweet something like, say, traitors, on Blue Sky, you're just spoiling it for people. Yeah, that's a good point. So it used to be that live tweeting something would be 10% accidentally malicious through spoilers, 90% fun activity because it's on live TV. Now it's just malicious. Yeah, the only time I really looked up tweets over Christmas, Gladiators was on TV,

presented by Bradley Walsh and his son, Barney Walsh. It pisses me off, man. Bradley only got that job because of his son. It's the only reason you got that job. It's powerful son. But I is intensely gifted son, Barney. I think is one of the funnier cases of nepotism. Like the Kate Winslet sun things doing the rounds.

Yeah. Because it's just so blatant and silly. And high profile. The Bradley Walsh, Barney Walsh one is so inconsequential. But I find it funny because you go, it is one of the most, like, obvious versions of this ever happening. Presenting a show with your dad. It's so... Are you 10?

Yeah, it's just bringing your kid to work day every day forever. With the Winslet thing, you give them so much more credit if they just come out and go, yeah, I wanted to make, like, making a movie's awesome, and I wanted to do it with my kid. And I've worked hard enough to be able to put myself in a position where I can do that. And you wouldn't you. And you say, like, well, it only got funding because I'm attached to it. So, yeah. Yeah, I hope it's good.

Let's see what the kid does with it. Remember Judd Appetal, said the Pete Davidson film. where he said he got his daughter to audition and she was just the funniest one. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But with what I would do... To be fair, I didn't just have my child.

I lined up a thousand children, and for some reason, I liked mine the best. You're an idiot, you're fucking idiot. It's, um, with the Bradley Barney-Barnie-Walsh thing, I was watching it, and I just... I don't know if you ever do this. To annoy myself, if I'm watching something I don't like, I type in intensely positive words

and the name of the show into Twitter and see if anyone has tweeted gushingly brilliant, yeah. Exactly, just to annoy myself. Okay. Of writing in this wonderful, and I'm like, and I'm literally typing in is a revelation about certain people,

like, I tell me it, and guaranteed, I'll magic it into the air. And I don't know why I did it was, I funny, because I always go air for fuck, so yeah, that's it. And so, I started to do this with Bonnie Horle. started to put like, you know, just such a talent, Barney Wallsh, you know, hashtag Barney Wall. There's so many tweets of people sort of saying that. And there was a picture of him. Really?

A piano, yeah. There's a picture of him at piano. And someone was like, oh my gosh, what a talent. I can't believe he can play the piano as well. And I was thinking, as well as what? As well as being the son of a man. What's the first thing? What do you mean as well as?

And do you know the best thing? Messy's also a footballer. What's the first one? What's the first one? It has to be embarrassing, doesn't it? Unless you lean in. I respect the, because the other nepotism thing is... Who Charles?

Yeah. I didn't want to say it. Who's the fucking method actor, There Will Be Blood? Oh, Daniel Deut. I mean, it like came out of retirement. To do a film with his son. But he said, I'm coming out of retirement because it's my son. Yeah.

And you go, yeah, fine. That immediately explains why you've done this. You like your son. You're such a prick about authenticity and this and that and the other thing. I trust him more. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. Because he's such a penis about making films.

And he's so like, well, I've got to have to live as a real butcher from the 1800s. All that mad shit. That if he's like, yeah, I liked it enough to let my son, blah, blah, blah. I go, you know what, I believe you. I don't fully believe you. But I believe you way more. than any of these other people. If the Wretch wanted to go into comedy,

I'd be like, you're not using Arsernay. Do your own thing. You're not. Because it looks bad on you, and it also looks bad on me. I think if I had a kid and they wanted to go into comedy, I would just lock them in their own room until they came out with a different conclusion.

The wretch has previously walked around, like, with a hairbrush pretending to be using the words on stage. Really? Yeah, I say this, you go, ha, ha, ha. And it's like, oh, this is such a slippery slope. You're just watching him, like, with a fucking toy needle set in his arm. Now I am all sleepy.

No, no, no, no, no, no. He gets a lot of toy money and hands it over to a toy manager. Yeah, yeah. Toy Edinburgh Fringe producer. Big plastic Edinburgh Fringe. Yeah, we've got him like a plastic black box theatre. And it's bigger than some venues. So it's like a bit of worse venues.

Yeah, we got him a plastic Scottish Arts Council venue for Christmas. Something happened, because obviously I have to fly. home for Christmas. Yes. And that does add a day of travel either side in a way that I think a train, unless you're doing something like driving the entire length of England.

But it does take it out of you. Yeah. Being traveled and being moved from place to place. Yes. You feel like you've should've should have maybe 5% of that burden, energy-wise? Yes. Than if you'd flown there literally with your arms.

Well, I peddled the plane. Yeah. I don't know where that comes from. Is your body just aware of distance you've moved? I think it's... I've heard someone say it's because, like, in the same way that some people, people get addicted to driving.

People, you know, some people just love driving. Yeah. And it's because there's changing in scenery, it's constant simulation. Oh, interesting. You're always looking. And also, I'm going to say. Even a motorway, you do zone out a bit. Yeah.

But you're, I think it's a, it's a conscious zoning out and not a subconscious one. Yeah. You are fucking on it. Yes, exactly. You were keeping your car within a few inches of white line. Yeah. For six hours. And other.

So much concentrating. Other speeding death machines. Exactly. And I think, and even if you're going on the airport, it's like, I've got to concentrate. Plus, I'm texting. Yeah. So, like, all those things as well. That all adds up.

And smoking. I'm doing it backwards and in heels. And all of that is what's tiring you out. Concentrating and visual stimulation, having your eye, just looking at stuff. Yeah. Like, you'd be as tired if I said to you for three hours, I need you to really concentrate and look through all these different pictures and, like, the differences.

Yeah. It's kind of what you're doing. Get my passport, get this. Yeah. And like you sit in a cramped tiny chair and you have to... I think that's what it is. But I think you'd like this. I don't know what accent.

The lady has... It's a flight to the Isle of Man. Yeah. It's not... Everyone who works on the plane is from the UK. It's not like they had some crazy foreign accent. Something went amiss with the speech of the head... What I'm going to call the chief air hostess.

Okay. So what happens on these little tiny planes is that two people do the dance, they do the macarena, the macarena of safety, and is narrated. Yes, it is, yeah, yeah, they don't do it, yeah. There's someone at the back of the microphone being sort of like... Dosey-do! He's welcome the Rocketti, yeah, no, yeah.

And Danny Graham on the base, and he does his solo. Please welcome to the Air Force. And Ginny on the Life Jacket, with a light and whistle for attracting attention. Whistle solo. We would always say on the Frank Sinner podcast, Mr. Jenny Babbatoo, like it's always a mister. Yeah, so they're doing that. And the lady who's narrating the safety macarena says,

and they're talking about the masks. Masks will descend from the cabin ceiling. And she said, before helping others, place your own mask over your mouth and beef normally. Now, no. Two of you, once in your life. Just beef normal. I got a weird phone call.

It's just heavy beefing. No one said their name. Well, hello. It's just heavy beefing. And I started crying, laughing, on my own on a flight. But she said, a mask of your face and beef normally. I looked around like, beef? No one reacted.

No one heard beef but me. And I heard it fucking crystal. It's not a debate. It's not a debate. She said beef normally. Why is beef so funny? As a verb. A friend of mine

A friend of mine was on Holland, Japan, years ago, and sent me a photo of a restaurant he'd walk past called Beef Impact. I was like, why is that? Why is that specifically a shit that shattered a windshield? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's such a heavy, like a really, a warming winter poo. Like, it's a fucking... It's a winter blend. What's the stew called from Burgundy? Beef, beef, bergenio. It's like a hearty poo. Beef normally is it like a revolting...

To me beefing... What do you want me to do? It's like a word for farting. Put a mask over your face and just try and beef as normally as you can. You also weren't in a perilous situation. What if everyone next to you were putting on their masks and just stewing steak was hitting the inside, like steaming it up?

Well, they're placing stakes on their head or something. And go, is this part of the... I don't have any beef? I don't have any beef? I don't have... Excuse me? And you just pass out for the lack of oxygen. A later inquest determined that one passenger's seat did not have any beef

in the front path in the little pocket. A big scandal. Yeah, beef normally. Yeah, I thought you'd like beef normally. Keep calm and beef on. Keep come and keep beefing. A few other things I found that I think you'll like because you like horrible, normal, weird phrasing. Yes.

So, I went to the dentist, which I hate, because they scrape your mouth with metal. Why are my teeth tired? They were tired. I had problems. Big book on the dentists. Yeah. For some reason, the dentist's waiting room has an electric piano.

I don't know why. It's in the corner. Like Kings Cross. Yeah. But like a little keyboard one. Yeah. But it's got a music stand. And in the music stand,

instead of like, you know, 10 concertos by whatever is a big picture book I'll give you a million pounds if you can guess the title of the picture book Okay, so it's not a It's not a script of a...

It's not piano music. It's nothing to do with music. It's not sheet music. It's nothing to do with music. It's a picture book. Like a coffee table book. Yes, but it's in where you'd have the... Yes, it's where you look for sheet music, which is what I looked for because I thought, do people come in here and play the piano are they waiting? What the fuck? A picture book? Is it biological?

Yeah, I guess. Is it famous? No, no. It should be. I think it should be famous. Is it something genital waste? No. Okay, right.

No, that's all other guesses. I did my best. It's an enormous picture book called, in massive big letters, unattractive teeth. And it's just a selection of bad... It's just loads and loads of bad mouths. It's the opposite of a modelling kettle. It's a fucking rude book to have.

haven't you? He's looking through saying, this looks like my teeth. And they go, yeah, we know. Yeah, that's why you're here and why we can change that. That's why you're here, pig mouth. Yeah.

You know, it's just like, rudest, I just couldn't be unattractive teeth. Not teeth that need help. But I've always, whenever I go to the dentist, I'm always like, if I'd known you'd have criticized me,

I just wouldn't have come. Yeah, exactly. Why are you telling me? They get so annoyed. And I've been quite lucky the last chance I've gone to a dentist a bit of been so, like, great, nothing to worry about.

Keep doing what you doing. I've never flustered my life. doing great. Don't worry about it. And I'm like, okay. Then you go, this is a trap. This is a trap because they're two nights. You've let me go over from needs help to, I'm like the kid in class, and they go, you know what? You don't actually have to come in. You don't have to come to school. They like compliment my teeth. And I'm like, I don't trust this.

No, I wouldn't trust that. No. That's something of foot there. Yeah. Yeah. That's sinister. But any time, we're always like, I mean, I've never had a feeling in my life, never needed a filling. Yeah. But whenever I've heard other people related by like, the dentist is always like, oh, got to have to have a feeling. killing now. Why are you so angry? A doctor wouldn't like get test results from an MRI and go, oh, for fuck's sake. But they see it as I'm going to have to wipe your ass.

Look at your fucking head. I've got to wipe your ass now because you can't do it. But you think this is your job? Yeah. I don't know. An optician doesn't get cross. I said to the hygienist, the hygienist. You need fucking glasses. Are you fucking, I'm right here? Are you even cleaning your eyes? I'm going to puff air into your eye for no reason. A spite. Yeah. If you went to the dentist

and the whole dentistry thing wasn't them putting fingers in your mouth, but instead they made you read from a chart that was like a big T than a slightly smaller E-E-E-H and it just got smaller and smaller. Loads and loads of mouths. Can you read the bottom? I can't.

Does that say teeth? How many teeth are in these mouths? I just think, I said to my hygienist she was like, oh, the gaps between your teeth, like I have the little brushes. And she was like, oh, but some of them are a bit different. And there's this wide range of sizes and you can order this one and this one and I just said, I'm not, I'm not doing that.

I said I'm not doing that. I have the, I have the, I'm not refusing to. I'm just telling you it won't happen. I have the brushes that work for most of the mouth. And beyond that, good luck, gentlemen. Yeah. It's like D-Day, good luck out there. I'll see you back here in six months, bleeding heavily.

You or me, you decide, mate. You fucking decide. Oh, fuck. Well, send in your dental horror stories. Why not? Yeah, why not? Horrify us. Crappy Boo's me here.

Yeah, we're going to be doing some correspondence on the Patreon episode, which you can go to now. If you're sent up to a Patreon, you get a whole extra episode every single week, plus access to not only our back catalogue, but all the George pods, and also all of the Phil Pods. Yeah. And all of the Phil Patreon ones. Five years of toil and work. Yes.

And another thing, if you signed up to the Patreon, we're going to see Shen Yun, this very month. Oh, yeah. And you can listen to Shen Yun pot. Our thoughts before, during, and after, Shen Yun. The Hammersmith Apollo. Yeah. And you have to go in business attire, and you may clap, but you may not whoop or cheer in any way. And it's about China before communism, question mark.

That's what the billboard says. And men who can put their legs above their head, which they can't do now because of Mao. And also come to see us live. Yes. We have tours this year. Please. My Soho Theatre run is in two weeks by the time you're hearing this. It's in London.

The Soho shows. They are the London shows. in January. Peace and love. Come and see those. My tour starts the 28th of February and I'm going all over the place in the UK and Ireland and the Netherlands. So check out my website, Piano Valley.com, for dates. I am coming to somewhere getable to you unless you live in Cornwall. Or the Highlands. Similar situation where from mid-January, the second half of my tour commences with big cities like Manchester and Brighton and returning to lots of locations that I've already performed that. and we're doing extra shows.

There's a big London one in February, plenty more. Just literally Google our names and tour dates, and it will come up. And watch my special on Skype, please. And buy tickets for me in Melbourne and Sydney, if you're around there in March later. But yeah, thanks a lot for listening, guys. Cheers, guys. Oh, if you live in Cambridge, my radio show is being recorded on the 10th. So you only have a few days to sign up for the free tickets.

I've spammed the link all over my social media. So check it out. Bye. Bye.