BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E32 | Family Cloth

Episode Date: January 21, 2026

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, guys. My Soho Theatre show is on in London at Soho Theatre. It's going to be from the 19th of January to the 31st of January. It's the London part of my 2026 tour. It's the new show. It's the one from the fringe. It's the one called You Sit There. I'll Stand here. And it has a story in it about beef. Come and check it out. Come and check it out.

And also, I know when reviewers are coming. And it's the first time the Guardian are coming. The Guardian are coming. Hey, have you got Brian? I do. Sorry, that's Glenn. If you say Brian Logan three times. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Glenn's got a Siri. Siri can hear whenever Glenn mentions a reviewer and then rings them. Well, they ring him. Yeah, so come see my Soho Theater Show 19th to the 31st of January. There's a ticket link in the Description. It's Bud Pod 32. You dirty poo. That's good.

You dirty poo. Calling someone a poo is funny. It's funny. That's good. Yeah. Yeah, he wouldn't appreciate this being broadcast. Sure. But there's nothing you can do about it.

But the wretch was constipated over the Christmas period. And I regret that I missed this completely. Katie said that he then broke the seal with like an agonisingly large one and was in some discomfort. And he just, the wretch cried out the words, My big poo! What? While on the loo?

Yeah. Like, where you go, my arm. Oh, really? Yeah, as if it was like a part of his body. My big poo. But also, I was like, oh, put my foot in it again. Me and my big poo. Stupid, stupid, me and my big poo.

Me and my big poo. That's excellent. Yeah. Not a big poo. My big poo. Yeah, his ownership is very, his use of some words is very funny. Have we discussed on the podcast? He's describing one of his wrestlers.

Oh, so good. He said to Katie, don't touch my beautiful champion. Which just made him sound like one of the incest emperors in Gladiator too. Stroking a Gladiator. My beautiful champion. and at any point I could have you killed. Popping grapes into their house. Yeah, like Dennythal.

Or the decadence bot from Futurama. Yes. My beautiful champion. So lyrical. Very lyrical. I managed to work out over the Christmas period, not to stay on it for too long, but it was just a big part of my life for the last few weeks.

A way to get out of, with a sting of my parents or anyone else, how to sort of get out of doing anything is to offer useless help and to offer it so much that people go, well, he is helping. Yeah, I've heard help-shaped things come out of his mouth a lot, so it must be helping. Are you sure I can't drive you to the Barbers? What?

I didn't just go to the Barbers. Okay, well, we offer's there. No, I've been bald for 20 years. No, I... But it's when the Barbers is like a 10-minute, four-minute walk away. Yeah. That's the perfect scenario. And also, you go, they're in no need of a haircut.

Well, no, ideally they are going, right? And they just go, useless, it's a useless lift. I'll tell you what, you hold the plate, I'll hold the sponge. No. Yeah. That would make this washing up so much worse and slower. Well, if you're sure. Yeah.

Right, I'm gonna put the microwave on. Anyone on anything? Yeah, just a Chicago town pizza if you're having one. Stacking on. Is that cheese or pepper rio? I'll have, just pepper rite, please. Stacking all the living room chairs at the end of the night. Yeah.

Like you live in a restaurant. Or offering to. Yeah, yeah. Should I stack the sofas? Should I stack all the... Yeah. Should I stack the sofas? Put it on top of each other?

Oh, thanks for the offering now. You sit down. I mean, you've gotten away with it for the rest of the day. I was just going to go out and buy some chorizo rings. There's big chorizoes all coiled round. Anyone want one? Yeah. Do you want to wear one?

You want to eat a whole chorizo? 300 grams of cooking cherriesos. Are you so? No, no, I'm all right, thanks. Okay. All right. I've done my bit. Text me if you change your mind. I know. You might just catch me. I think, yeah. Well, I've offered, and it's time for me to lie down for nine hours. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Yeah. I think that's a good tactic. Yeah. The George from Seinfeld tactic of looking annoyed while doing things at work so people don't give you more tasks. That's a... I used to try and do that as a waiter. It didn't work. No. I would sweat on cue like Christian Bail and American Psycho

and go to customers, Drenjave, excuse me, I turn around and go, yeah, yes. Like in a real... I mean, it doesn't work, though, because... Doesn't work because they do want something, and you are working for them. But also, as a waiter, because you are service staff, people have, you know, plus three entitlement to treat you like a goblin.

Yeah. Whereas a colleague in an office. Yes, you're right. Or even an underling one level under, they're still an office person. Yeah. And they still, it's like a knight talking to a slightly more junior knight in medieval times. Yes. You may be more senior than them, but they're still a fellow knight.

Yes. There's a level at which you can't boss. Like in Fallout, the people in the mecksuits. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't boss around an office person in the same way you can boss around a barman or a waiter or someone like that. I got bossed around walking through, like, made a veil. Like, 2013, I was doing just a temp job near there And I was walking home

And it was one of those like six-story houses And someone obviously lived in like the basement flat And it was someone who was trying to get their suitcase up the stairs But as I walked past heard this voice going You can help me with a suitcase? I looked down and it was someone just looking at me And this woman was like, are you going to help me or not? And it was like, okay

And I helped to like help this suitcase up the stairs As she went like, God of the sake So the thing and it was like Sorry, have I done working for you? It was so aggressive. You're gonna help me if this or not? How old was she? I should have just said, or not.

I don't know who, like... Or not. It is unfortunate. Unfortunately, we are going with or not today. I don't know, late 50s, maybe? Yeah, it's hard because if it's something in their 70s, you sort of go, you're tempted to go, oh, you're from a different time. But then you go, you're from the 60s.

Yeah, some people get so screwed up in their own rage that it just, they let it boil out to other people without even realizing it. And I was watching a comedy show in Edinburgh at the Monkey Barrel, and I empty seats either side of me, one empty seat either side of me, and this couple came in really late. And they came in with, like, piping hot sandwiches and coffees, like 15 minutes into the show and looking really indignant as if to be like, God's sake, the show's already started sort of thing.

And they came in and I was like, I think, and they looked at the seats either side of me as if to be like, there's a burden in the way. And I sort of went, I can move. And as I moved, like my coat slipped off my, lap and onto the floor. And the man in the couple went, oh, for God's sake. What? Pure pheromone. And I really wanted to whisper.

Fuck on. We just really slowly sit back down. Yeah. Bye forever. Enjoy eating your sandwiches in a show. Not next to each other, I guess. Yeah, because you go, you're very late. Also, it's unreserved seating. I mean, reserved seating in, me and Fredi should not be named. when we saw Gravity, the Sandra Bullock, George Clooney Space Film, went to see it in a completely empty cinema and, you know, just no one, no one buys the VIP seats,

the leather, the fancy leather seats in the middle. And because no one buys seats, you sit in them. Because they're empty. And no one's going to check. So you're a criminal, I'm a criminal. You're fucking criminal. And this couple came in, but we just told me, this wasn't even fancy leather seats, this was like regular seats, but we just sat where everyone was because of an empty cinema.

And this couple came in. like again, 10 minutes into the film with the, looking at their tickets, looking up at us and going, um, uh, and we were like, though, I think those are our seats. And we was just in such disbelief because it was like a 300 seat auditorium. In which we hadn't even taken like the dead middle.

It wasn't the best seats. We didn't even offer to go, do you want us to move? Because we were in such like, just sit anywhere else. It doesn't make, you're late. It doesn't matter. And we just sort of went, okay, and they went, it's fine. And they went to sit either side of us. And it was like, and then we both just leapt up in a sort of, okay, you fucking won, you've won, you've won, you've won.

Because this is mental. You have a brain disease. Both of you were ill. Oh, I guess we can sit either side of you. No, because that would put you in the wrong seats. I'm dialing 999 for you. What's your name? It's immediately...

That's a good thing to do if someone does something so stupid, you treat them like they're a casualty. Yeah. Can you tell me your name, sir? Well, are you... I used to do this. Is there anyone in your phone I should call? When the wreck was a baby, I used to change his nappy like that. Yeah.

Mr. Moore, my name's Glenn, right? You've wet yourself. We're going to cut you out of your nappy, okay? We're going to cut you out of your nappy. Right, keep looking at me. Jaws of life. I can't believe then. I'm on their side.

We were in the wrong. We were in the wrong. But I'm on their side. Yeah. It's different seats, like nice leather reclinies. And they're in like the perfect, you know, the perfect way... Directly in the middle. Directly in the middle, eye height to mid-screen height.

Yeah. Then I understand. But unless they were like, these are the blowjob seats. We always tend to center left. That either side is fucking psychotic. It was so, and we just went, okay, have your seats. Have your seats. Immediately step over into the next aisle and sit in front of them.

We were like, there's better seats there. You could sit there and have a nicer time. And I'd understand if even one extra person was in the cinema. But also, I'd understand it if it was maybe two minutes before the film started, because you go, this could fill up. This could fill up. Sure, yeah, yeah. But still, your plan is for the ideal scenario.

Yeah. Whereas I've seen this sometimes on the tube where there'll be like a bank of four seats. And another big guy will sit next to me instead of one away. Yeah, your rhinos are the worst for that. Toilet cubicle's even worse. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm in here. They've come in. They've come in with me. To shit through your lap.

Yeah, yeah. Or rather, I am, I'm just using... They're gonna sit on your left. I'm a shy pisser, so I've got, I've gone into stand and piss, and what they've done is they've gone back to back with me, crouched down, bent forward, and shat through my legs and in... Like a mortar. Like a howitzer, like a... Or like a hoop on a... like throwing hoops at a fair. Are you got it into the bowl? It's like Cirque de Soleil.

Everyone clapping. Yeah. That happening, but everyone involved is in leotards that are done up to make you all look like trees. People are so impressed by it. Wow, Quebec really is. It's its own culture, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. I was in a loo the other day, and I was sort of,

No, you were. Please, I was. I was in a cubicle. And it was empty. And so I thought... Making matter? Well, yeah. I mean, you know, I wasn't filming...

You were browsing. Filming vlogs. Yeah. Throwing logs. Exactly. Yeah. But I thought it's empty. That's good. Yeah. That's the best situation. The whole bathroom is empty.

Yeah. And it was one of those very, like, deathly silent, echoey bathrooms. Yes. And then someone came in. The thoughts rang out. Well, they weren't ringing out. I just sat down. You just sat down.

And then I... And I had a moment to think an empty bath. Great. And it has that coldness of a very clean, empty echoing bathroom. No one else has been here today. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Neri but the cleaner.

Yes. And what did he clean? Nerea thing. It was already clean from yesterday's clean. That's how isolated this loo is. It was a loo in the basement of a building. One of those. Yeah.

Which is just every restaurant in London. Fancy restaurant. I mean, you go down into the pier. I hope you enjoy the winding corridor. We'd use it as an old superstition of the restaurant trade. Tirds can't find their way through corridors. They're like ghosts. You have to invite them in.

They're like Asian ghosts. They can't cross running water. If you hear a wet knocking at your door, it's a turd and don't let it in. Really? Who's that knocking upon my bum? I know it's trying to get out. A poo at this hour? Open the door.

Nothing there. Farting at two in the morning, hearing someone go, it's two in the bloody morning. Keep it down. You've been playing your farts all night. In London, there's more than enough accommodation with walls thin enough for that. Oh, yeah.

It's just someone online saying that they farted so loudly their neighbor's dog went mad. So I'm in the cubicle. Someone comes in. Right as I'm thinking to myself, what a perfect situation. It's like no country for old men, you see the silhouette under the door. Genuinely, that was the pace they walked to the arrival. Like, in the most recent Halloween, just a handful of teeth just gets thrown into your cubicle.

It's just every weather's spoons experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go through teeth into my cubicle. Yeah, well, that's which one we, the Montague, I was at the Montague, yeah, yeah. That's going to happen. Don't worry, he'll run out of teeth. He'll run out, he'll run out, he'll run out. So I'm going to give you an audio play of the pace of this person.

Okay. Right. It's gonna be like a, what they call on the radio trade, Glenn, Theater of the Mind. Okay. Yeah. So you're in the cubicle. Yeah. You can't see anything. You just see the door. Yeah. And then, more footstep. He wasn't at the urinal. He stopped in the room. To look around. To look around and go, hmm. Yeah. This is the space. Someone's in here. Yeah. Then more footsteps.

Okay. I thought there was gonna be another footstep. And then another 10. And then the door closes. He goes a guy who goes into the toilet just to undo his flies. In case anything flies out. In case it stinks. He pees. Yeah. A long piss.

Yeah. But with no other sounds. So would have a long piss to be like, and you walked so slowly. Maybe it's the hubris of someone who goes, the toilet was right there. I was always going to make it. Someone desperate for the loo, but they treat it like, with the chilling sang foie of a sniper. Yes.

They're so certain they're gonna make it that even though there's like all kinds of other stuff going on, they're just... Someone could come in before you, take the spot, you know? Yeah, they're just perfectly in the zone. Very, very long piss. The whole time I'm sitting there going, come on, man. Yeah. Fucking, come on. Because I can't emphasize enough how much, like, there was no other sound.

So you get to the point where you're irrationally thinking, now I don't want to let them know I'm in here. Yeah, I then worry, am I, is my, are my breath's that loud? Am I, are they hearing? Am I the victim in like a slasher film? Yes. Oh, Jesus. I had a housemate with, years ago, terrible cholesterol. He only eat like bread all the time.

Terrible cholesterol. Just really like ruddy red face. It's so funny to say that about a housemate. Housemates from hell, I went live with one. He had the most awful cholesterol. He couldn't sleep at night. But what it meant was on the sofa, he had like, it was, at the time was like 23. But just like...

No, no. Wait, like 12 stone. What? But just had that breathing. Just crazy. Pug breath. Yes. You're fucking pug lungs. Sometimes I put LeBouffon up to my ear just to hear his, like, clogged breathing.

Yeah. And you go, I was so, it's so wet. It's passing through so many things on the way out. I said to my sister over Christmas about my niece, I said, I would love to blow her nose for her. Because it's right there. Yeah. And it could be clear.

Yeah. But there's no way of getting a two-year-old to do that. So hard to teach a kid to blow their nose. Yeah. They don't know what that process is at all. Yeah. Oh, you need to make an air pressure front in the back of your throat through your nose.

Yeah, that's true. That's hard to explain. And also your thing, every, every part of it. of you is too large to go into their nostrils. So that's their own territory. So they can't get it out. It's so grim. They've got sovereign nostrils. Yeah, it's never get spoken about with regards to parenting.

That's so... You've got those horrible, like, snot suckers that you can use. Yeah, I feel like I'm stealing petrol in Texas. You're on the road. I'm like siphoning it out, and then spitting it on the floor. Snip spitting it into your own nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I've got a block nose.

How, you didn't pay for that. You get back here! Hate to mass spudum. Oh, yeah, God, that is a... I don't know if I've heard that word out loud. So this guy does a forever place. And I'm filled with the irrational terror of like... Well, now I have to be perfectly silent. Yes, and what if a turd just now just falls out of you?

Like, you've just dropped the coin into the... And his footsteps stop, and then they start getting closer again. Stop, and I hear a gun being clicked. No, no, no. No fear of that. I've got excellent control. Okay. I'm like a sniper as well.

This is like enemy at the gates. Yeah? Yeah. Enemy at the cubicles. We're in a war now, me and this man. Yeah. Longest place in the world. Finishes. Zip.

Great. Again, like... Sentry trying to catch someone out pacing. Yeah, he's walking like a guard in a game. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. This can washes his hands for, I don't even know how many happy birthdays. Yeah, and you go-

This guy's got COVID hand washing technique. Yeah, you go fucking wash your dick better in the morning, if that's how much you're having to wash your hands after a piss. Yeah. Sorry, are you pissing through your hand? Yeah, yeah. Like a silencer. A man so scared of pissing, he does it through his fingers. Like he's...

Or he holds it at the end of his dick like a silencer, he screws it on at the end, like a silencer and a pistol. Holds a pillow over the end. So it's quieter. He's smothering a relative. Or it's trying to like lengthen the dick through hands. Yes, yeah, yeah. But make more pipe.

So he's washing his hands for, yeah, a, I have harmed myself by doing this amount of time. Yeah. And then he's, finally, the tap goes off and I think, here we go. No, no, no, Glenn. Now it's time for the most thorough drying. Of course, because he's soaking. Using paper, not the machine. Because the machine would make sound.

And that would be to my benefit. Yeah. I can't have that. Just scrumple, scrumple. In the bin. Second fucking piece of paper. It's dreams of A4. But genuinely, I got to the point where I was like, this is deliberate.

Yeah. He's fucking with you. He's toying with you. But then I realized the idea of me, like, with my pants down, bursting out of a cubicle going, are you fucking with him? Then I'm the insane one. Yeah. This is, he's in some situation where he's in charge.

Or just to hear someone hiss and rage from a chucked cubicle. Your hands are dry. Your hands are dry enough. But it's like you're in a situation where you're not allowed to shit. Yeah. He's made the situation where you're not allowed to shit. Like the image I posed to you over the Christmas break, of you desperately trying to flush a turd in a situation

where you're not allowed to be in there. And a person very smuggly walks over to your toilet because the flush won't work. And he clicks a button and he goes, safety was on. Oh, shit. Or someone goes saying, go ahead, try and flush it.

I know you're well. How do you know why I won't? Because the safety's on. What? And then they get you when you look down at the gun. Yes, he was doing the toilet equivalent of standing in front of the shelf I need to get access to at the supermarket. Yes, absolutely, yeah.

And like whistling and just really reading the sandwiches. Like a jailer. And many, did he leave? Yeah, as slowly. Yeah. But like, again, another long pause, as if he was looking around going, hmm, some great memories in here. Like, so slow.

I wanted to even get a look at him and be like, be like, yeah, I just poachers, just checking. I wanted to look at and be like, is this a 95-year-old man? Had to have been. Even though, in my head, I'm picturing a very in-charge businessman. He's just in charge. He's just absolutely in charge of the situation. But yes.

If you'd poke your head through the door, I mean, immediately shut it again. It would have been like when Johnny Depp arrives in Sleepy Hollow and everyone's like closing their curtains. Everyone's terrified of the piss man. I always find if there are paper towels in the toilet, there's always a sense of, oh, like a disappointment. There's no hand dryer. But the worst used to be, and I don't know if he still exists, the awful, like, conveyor belt of towel that would come down and it would rotate back in again. The infinity towel. The infinity towel.

I always thought it would be the worst kind of toilet paper would be that design. Oh. People wipe the bum on the towel and then they'd just pull it down to reach a clean deck. We never explained family cloth. Family cloth. I mean... Was that in a magazine? It was on BuzzFeed. I don't know how I found it. This is like well over 10 years ago.

And it's the longest BuzzFeed article I've ever read in my life. It's still on BuzzFeed. But it was talking about the concept of people instead of using toilet paper to help save the environment or using a family cloth, i.e. a sort of just mitt that would live in there that they'd like wipe the seat. An oven myth. Yeah, but they'd wipe the seat and themselves with. And it would just, I mean, they'd wash it and it would just make its way back. And this family, they were focusing on it, as in America.

Fucking out. This family was being extensively interviewed, like it was an advertising piece. But it read like, this is definitely a hashtag spawn thing. In the middle of Esquire. Yeah. A three-page feature on family class. The latest thing. Like them relaxing at home and all this sort of stuff.

And this woman was talking about how her family starts using. A photo of them holding hot cocoa in both hands, silhouetted looking out the window. Yes. Like their next model. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was talking about how they only use it for wiping the seat after like piss splashes essentially and wiping themselves after piss. But we haven't moved on to number two's yet.

But we know lots of it. Their entire street was doing the family cloth. It was like this illness. Like the same Vita dance. It just infected everyone in the town. Just one street did it? That's so American in the sense that there'll be like one town where everyone's a Quaker. Yes.

Because the town was founded by Quakers. So that town was found about like Jeremiah Family Cloth. Jeremiah Family Cloth. Which is like... We don't like paper wipers around hereby. Family with like a double E hyphen cloth when it was like Brian Cloth. So that's how it was like...

Oh, I guess you got the name Family Clough from that. It makes sense. Family Clough. Yeah. Family Clough. Family. Family. Fumlycloth. The Dutch made their way as Oregon Trail sort of thing. They made a way through. And it's having wiped them so back in the day.

But this art going on to save it like all of our friends do it. And she said a lot of her friends do it for like wiping their bum and sharing a family cloth. And she was like, we have been ostracized by some people for not doing that yet. So people were like, oie, clean ass, get out of here. But like, friends of hers had like had issues with her being like, it disgust me. You ain't no shit, mitt. Yeah. It, like, friends of us were disgusted. They weren't using it for shit. And it was so strange because you go, wait until they fucking hear about everybody else in the fucking world. But they do. They like the God hates fags people.

Yeah. Yes. They hate everyone. Oh, my God. Yeah. They're the fucking Westboro Baptist judge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, this whole, it just kept on going. It just kept on going. Talking about how the towel, yes, it gets discolored over time.

It's just vile, absolutely vile. And then at the end of the article... You had a black towel. Yes. At the end of the article had like a little... Well, are you? sort of thing, and you can click the three options. And the three options were, we already do this.

Okay. Yeah. We already do this. The other option was, this sounds amazing, I'm going to do it. Or, this sounds great. I haven't tried it yet. And it was like, where's the, where's the, where's the, this is mental option? There was no... But, the... Where's this? It was like, the...

The most retaliatory option, the most offensive option you could give was good for them. It was like, that sounds great for them. I might try this. It was just crazy. Because it was bus for you going, because you will use the family cloth, won't you? Won't you? Yeah. Pressing a gun to your temple. I find that tone with a lot of eco stuff. And, you know, I recycle, etc. But when it gets to the point where it's like, why not bring back toilets in the garden?

I just go, no. Yeah. No. I am. No. I am cutting the plastic rings of a four pack of fosters, and I'm cutting out the middleman, and I'm strangling hedgehogs myself. I don't throw straws in the bin.

I throw them into the sea. You cut out the middle man. That's what it's all about. That saves on emissions, because the truck doesn't have to drive the straws to the sea to put them in. I'm cutting through, yeah. plastic rings, in case they get around the necks of a form of marine life, that isn't indigenous to where I live. Yeah. Yeah. Because all of that water pollution is like the far east and stuff. Yeah. Nothing to do with me. And you go, these plastic rings will have to go through

so much sludge and polluted water to get there in the first place. They're not reaching that bit. They'll get stuck in one of those plastic islands you get in the, you know, in the Atlantic. Yeah, let's build on them. Yeah. I absolutely, I do my best and I get really, it's very demoralizing when I find out that like, oh, if there's one thing in a recycling bin that basically taints the batch, they just, all of it goes into landfill. It's not very, like, sifting. A lot of it goes to landfill anyway. The most encouraging thing I heard was, I think you told me this via Stuart Goldsmith,

is that he said stuff like rinsing out a jar of peanut butter is just a courtesy that will go into, that will get recycled. If it's, like, and so up until then it was like, I'm not recycling fucking Marmike, because I'm not spending 10 minutes for it, rinsing out a jar. But until I found out, no, just honestly put that in a recycling. And that's fine. And it was like, great.

I'm not washing the rubbish, so it's clean for the bid. Yes, and it turns out you don't have to. That's for you and your kitchen not smelling. So it's like, great, that changed my... That helped me recycle even more. Yeah. But then I'll hear, like, on the news, like, Taylor Swift has flown into Big Ben again. And you go, fuck, so, like...

What was that all for? I just... Yeah, I'm not reversing the progress. human plumbing. I'm not doing it. Yeah. Not while we're not building nuclear power plants. We'll build seven of them.

And if that still doesn't help, which I know it will, I'll shit in the garden. Yes. Which is what you freaks want. Yeah. I'm not doing it. Yeah. Very indeed. But I guess that sort of sassy combined with BuzzFeed language

has sort of, that attitude has kind of vanished in the last decade, thankfully. You used to get like a guy in a kind of light blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a tie, saying things like that that he's never done and will never do. But suggesting them at like a government level as a solution. Yeah. Because his job is to suggest solutions.

Yeah. Which is a waste of time. There should have been a special department where there's a guy whose job is to go around and go, people won't do that. Yeah. And if he comes and people won't do that to your department, you all get fired. This is the department about how to convince people to try. And instead of buying expensive polluting wigs,

Just wear orange peel on their head. Yeah. People won't do it. You're all fired. You're all fired. Gunshot. Yeah, yeah. Lined up.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you don't know this story, I apologize. Brace yourselves. This is awful. Apologies of you own a reusable stainless steel and metal straw. But this is a good warning, maybe. They found this lady just, face down on the pavement, just dead.

With, like, some blood coming out of her mouth. And they couldn't figure out why she died. And she died instantly. And she'd been drinking her whatever mocker, latte, iced thing with her stainless steel metal straw, tripped and fallen. And as she'd fallen, it landed on the straw and it had just been driven into her brain through the soft palate at the top of her mouth. So the metal straw when you x-rayed her head was just like through the middle of her head and up into her mind. She died in a riddle.

She died in... Is that a riddle? She died in... A woman is found dead with no... What was it? And you get, I don't know, a peacock's egg? Is that what it was? What's the thing where it's like Alan Davies, I'm a mystery boy?

What's it? He lives in a fucking windmill and he solves these locked room. Oh, Jonathan Cree? Yeah, right. That's an episode of Jonathan Cree that got it cancelled. Yeah. That's horrible. Speaking of...

When I read... The shudder when I read that story. Yeah, because it's one of the worst... It's physical trauma you don't think about. People always in horror films don't like stuff involving, like, fingernails or eyes or anything about. No one ever thinks about the roof of the mouth. Oh, God. It's like something from the...

What's the thing? You're all gonna die? I can't remember anything today. You're all going to die. Yeah, yeah. You escape death, but when death's gonna come for you. Oh, final destination? Yeah. Yeah. There you go. But I reckon it's like, in China the film is called,

You're all going to die. Yeah, yeah. Like how my German teacher at school used to really enjoy telling us that in Germany, Rebel Without a Cause, was called, they don't know why they do it. That's so logical as well. Yeah, yeah. But there is a scene in the film where he has asked why, he was, He is without cause, yeah.

And he admits that he has no reasons, and so he is quite silly. It's the Joker. It's the joke. Yeah, for us, this man is unsettling. Because he cannot explain himself. The idea of keeping a stainless steel straw on me, like the way Ron Burgundy has a flute up his sleeve. Really unsaid me because I was like, what if I put it in my pocket and I sit down?

Will I just break my waist? Like, it will break me? It will destroy me. It's something that you... You can't bend over with it. It's part of an assassin's rifle. Because you've given yourself a splint. It'll tear through your pockets.

Yeah. In terms of people being, like her being in final destination, and it being like a film or being like Jonathan Creek. Varech was really acting up recently. Oh, yeah. Really behaving badly. And we couldn't figure out why. And then we realized, well, actually,

we moved out of our flat at the beginning of December. We moved in with Katie's family just for a couple of weeks until we could move into one new house. Yeah. And then over Christmas, made in two separate locations, both my parents and one of our aunts in Newcastle. But when we've moved back, he's been taking an induction at the new nursery he's going to be at because we're in a different part of London, and has been taken on tours of schools

that he'll be starting potentially in September later on this year. So we were like, yeah, his behaviour is bad because every day his life changes completely. So he doesn't know what consequences are because every day he has a brand new life. and he has a brand new person looking after him and it's changed and we realized that he's in quantum leave and that's why he's behaving badly because there will be no consequences for your actions because you go like, well, you won't be able to play

with your toys in this living room, he goes, I wouldn't fucking be living in that living room tomorrow. I'll be in a different living room, so it doesn't matter. Groundhog day, but different. Yes, exactly. Well, you won't even be allowed to go play in the basketball final. He's in Groundhog Day where he is... I'm doing what today?

He's in Groundhog day where he is the only person propelling time forwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, when you're a kid, a day is a month. Yeah. So it's even more like just the rapidity of it. Yes, absolutely. He's like, he's got the psychological profile of a kid whose parents are on the run.

Yeah. We gotta go stay with your hands for me. Yeah. We gotta go to Newcastle. Yes. Yeah. And then years later, he finds out that's not his aunt. There's just someone else from like...

He's like the kids in a biopic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've been taken away to live with different people the whole time. He finds out his sister was his aunt and all that sort of stuff. Yeah. Exactly, yeah, yeah. That's good. My parents are on the run.

Yeah. You're gonna go to a new school. Maybe a new one. Yeah, new names. Your brother's called James now. Yeah. James, say it back to me. Yeah, that kind of thing. We should do some VIPCO.

Let's do it. Mail. Letter, post, message, email, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, and randoms, correspondence. Sue Bricket on... Is that Instagram? Is that Instagram?

No, on Patreon. Beef Impact, Tanuki Koji. Yeah. Koji is in the name of the restaurant, the shopping center. The shopping center where the restaurant Beef Impact can be found. It's so mad. I find it so strange when you see Koji up in the wild. It's some sort of ingress.

It's some sort of fermented rice thing. I now only see the Metagosolid creator as Hideo, Keep on Jackin' it, Ma. Keep on jacking it, Ma. Oh, horrible. Yeah. Like Bob Dylan's, it's alright, Ma. Keep on jacking it, Ma. He's the only wanking. That's why he had the harmonicas in that weird holder so he could wank. He just couldn't go a whole song without doing it.

song without doing it. That's what the harmonica bit was for. So Bob could go, I just can't go without one. I gotta crank one out. I'm gotta be jerking off. How many loads. How many loads Mr. Man blow out? Blonde on blonde is what he'd been watching. Don't sink twice, it's all right.

This is a completely gibberish advert Felipe found for Visit Saudi. The caption is, The Red Sea, a place of serenity that accompanies the journey. Oh, yeah. Gibberish. Yeah, that's very... Gibberish. Yeah, that's very proverb on a restaurant's plate.

Yeah, where you go, this was translated from one language into another language and then into English. That's how mysterious this is. I don't understand how the Red Sea can accompany a journey. And the image is... What's his name again? Christiana Ronaldo. Christiana Ronaldo.

And it's... You know those like Howling Wolf Moon T-shirts? We're like... The wolf's face has been kind of like airbrushed in... Yes. Over the moon? Yes, yes, yes. It's Cristiano Ronaldo's face.

Howling Moon Wolf airbrushed over some artificial Saudi islands. Yeah, it's like a Power Bad Ballad's music video. It's like a screenshot from... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like the heads in a... Will you come, will you go? Will you let me go? Yes. In the... It's Bohemian Rhapsody. Yeah.

And it's his face looking off into the distance to the right-hand side. Wolf air sprayed into this image of some Saudi islands. And the caption is, I came for football. I stayed for more. More football? Yeah. Money. That's how... Money, because you're insane. Yeah. I remember... Also, there should be more...

Yeah, more football. You can come to play one match, yeah, you came to... Yeah, because Christiana Renato is a deeply unhappy man. And I'm... He looks fucking miserable in this wolf moon picture, I'll be honest with you. One of his former teammates, Patrice Evra, French defender, this is when they're at Manchester United, was being interviewed years later,

and Patrice Evera is now just, you know, like a pundit, and was saying that... To give an indication of Christianaerrano being insane, they were hanging out one day, got invited to Christiana Renato's house. And that day, what had happened is, they'd been playing table tennis. And Christiana Ronaldo had, like, never really played table tennis before. And Patrice Ever, like, just about beat him.

And they're just having fun in... Like, if you see footage of footballers' personal lives, it's like they're in a youth prison. It's, they're all having to wear the same, like, track suit. They all share, like, hotel rooms. They don't get to experience, like, the lavish... The parties, because you're like, well, I've got to have salmon in an hour. They're in jail.

Yeah. It's a horrible lifestyle. Yeah. And so Patrice Efer and Christianaer and had for one... bit of fun they have was playing with a table tennis. Patrice Ever had just about beat Christiana Ronaldo, and he said he got invited to Christiana Ronaldo's house like the next week. And he came around, Christian Ronaldo had bought a table tennis table and had spent the entire week practicing just so he could beat Patrice Ever because it bothered him so much. And then the meal he served at lunch was like

plain chicken and broccoli. And he was like, oh, because that's just all you think, like, even in like your downtime, even in like your day off, you'd never, oh, I'm having a mate over, let's do something fun. It's like, we must still have the medical amount of food. It's that train on Christmas thing. The train on Christmas. Whatever, fucking Tim Henman or whoever it is, Andy Murray. I don't know this. You always train on Christmas because it's the one day your rivals aren't, and that's the one edge you get.

Oh, I see. Oh, I thought he meant like, he made sure that like, GWR put on a train day to go to... Yeah, yeah. He made sure that you got a festive steam train every Christmas. No, no, no. Training on Christmas. Ah, yeah, I mean... So boring.

Yes. So boring. Yes. But this is the thing, what's he going to say to people? This is what annoys me is then, the price for being that boring should be complete social ostracization. Which is true, because he's probably not, he doesn't go to parties. No, but he will go to parties.

Right? No, he'll go to a ball and door, like a black tie event where he sits in a big auditorium and loses. Sure, but everyone will... And can't have champagne. Everyone will talk to him and want to be his friend and have photos with him and fucking suck him off. Yes, but that's not socialising.

People having photos taken with you, you're basically, you're basically Mickey Mouse. No, but I mean, like, you should be, but people will listen to his boring. It's what I'll be wearing a big Christiana Ronaldo suits. Ooh. Oh, and you get your autograph book signed by Ronaldo. No, but it's soo, and he does that. He does it. And like a sound effect plays out the mask when he does it, yeah.

No, because people will want to listen to his boring fucking football anecdotes. Yeah. It's not, it is not, it is not, not. proper ostracization. Yeah. Because everyone will be like, what was it like playing with fucking Mickey Bubbles or whatever? And he'll get to tell a long,

boring fucking story. Mickey Bubble. Yeah, some stupid name. That's it. This is what annoys me. This is something that people who know about football get away with. Yeah. They're not interesting stories

unless you know lots about football and love it and everyone does. Yes, you have to, yeah, you have to enjoy the rules. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so, like, he's a boring person. but he escapes the consequences

by having been affiliated with the world's hobby. Yeah. So he gets to seem interesting because he knows things... Because he's experienced it at the highest level and he's seen it all through his eyes. Exactly. So you could say to him,

you are so boring you make me actually sad for you. Please tell me what it was like in the changing room when Blabdi Blah came in. You went over the top in the trenches. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly that. Well, the thing is, I think a lot of die-hard football fans... Also, we'll pay you £100,000

for coming to our fucking dinner in telling this story again. But I think they pride themselves on a certain mundanity. And I found this when I was having to go to press conferences for like Sheffle Wednesday. Yeah. So my first ever sort of like rolls as a reporter.

And I remember once, it was like an FAA Cup fixture where Sheffield Wednesday would be paying a big Premier League team and I can't remember who it was. But as a result, the sun came to the press conference. Yeah. And everyone was like fawning over this sun journalist who was a football writer because everyone was there from like, you know, the Yorkshire Post and the Sheffield Star and the like.

Right. And they'd published like three books on... Yeah. The origins of tackling. But when they were talking about matches, I thought, the question around the room of like, best match you've ever seen. And I was like, Liverpool Lacey Milan, which was 2005 Champions League final,

was gonna be of no interest to you. But Liverpool were 3-0 down at half-time. Even I know about this game. And within five minutes, they equaled, they got to three and they won on penalties. And it was just unbelievable. It was unbelievable. And they all scoffed at that being like my favourite match.

Because it was basic bitch. You've said best of the Beatles is my favourite Beatles out of them. Yes, exactly. And they were sat there all like, arms folded. really high up. Arms folded really high up. What's that about? Leading back, well, I've got to say, Chesterfield-Rotherham, 78,

0-0, gets to 80-9th minute, there's a throw-in round about the centre circle, and the referee blue full-time, best match I've ever seen. Why's that fucking better? Why's that fucking better? Hipsters. It was fucking crazy. They're football hips. Yeah, but it was like, the more boring it is the better. It was so bananas.

So boring. Yeah. That's so boring. Every... A goal was seen as goat. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Oh, do you like... Yeah.

Do you need excitement to enjoy this? Which, I guess... Whereas I guess, actually, that is the reality of a situation. If you go to, like, say, Lester Square, there'll be a guy making quite a bit of money from doing kick-ups in Lester Square. And you go, yeah, I think actually that's... That is basic. That's what they saw me as.

Someone who enjoyed seeing someone do kick-ups. Yeah, you're like a sort of easily entertained little child. Yes. I just, whenever I hear too much about football, it makes me so, like, I don't, I feel, I feel bored, but I also feel tired. Like, it makes me want to go to bed. You've come over to mind to watch the football before, to watch like the World Cup and the Euros. Do you enjoy that? I enjoy it. You have once messaged me the words, it's coming home. Yeah. Oh, yeah. When it matters. But was that you, was that you watching me play with wrestler toys and go, oh, he's got in there?

Was that was, were you doing that to make you? You like this, don't you? Yes. No, no, no. Were you fucking Prince Williaming me going, well, and what are you drawing there? No. And he kicks it hard, does he?

And it goes, oh, it has gone into the net. And that gets plus one. I see. Yeah. No. You've never thought about killing yourself. When it's in... You've never thought of...

You've never thought a damn thing. Gosh. No. When it's an international... game that matters. Yeah. I'm interested in it. Yeah.

And because it matters and there are restrictions, e.g. They have to be from the country. Whereas when it's just an American hedge fund versus Qatar oil. Yes. And they go, it's for the pride of the beautiful town of blah, blah.

And no one on the team is from blah blah, and the coach is Dutch and everyone's from Spain. This will finally bring back all the minds. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, it would be hard to... You have pride in what? The management of the hedge fund from New York. Yeah, I wouldn't get worried about a...

a war if Argos declared war on Gregs. Yeah. Businesses. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense to me to have any pride in it whatsoever. Oh, hedge funds got more dividends than yours. It doesn't make any sense to me at all.

And it's what people are cheering for is business management. Yes. The only football game I understand from the point of view of what reality is like is football manager. Right. Because you're going, wow, I finally get the chance to try and get enough funding from investors to invest in that you go, yeah, that's what you're cheering for. You're cheering for finance stuff. Whereas if you're cheering for, like, actually where you're from,

and the people you're cheering for are also from where you're from, and that's got a triable aspect to it that I can really get into. But when the tribal aspect is just the second a player switches teams, you hate them, because they've got a different colour on now. Yeah. It just goes, it strikes me as the vibe of someone who doesn't quite have object permanence. He's always been a baddie. Have you forgotten last week when you weren't willing to suck him off? You loved him so much.

I don't know what you mean. It's so weird to me. I did think... So, when ever talk... Anyone talks about Premier League stuff? You're like, I can't give a shit. And it resets every year. It's like hearing people talk about business mergers and stuff

in an industry I have no interest in. It's like, we make dried eggs. And there's been a lot of factory purchases recently. I mean, I used to listen in disbelief as my mom and my grandmother would talk so animatedly about what's happening in Coronation Street. Yes, yes, exactly that. I can't believe, Gail said that. I cannot believe she said that.

Yeah. Someone wrote it for... Yeah. And then... But I also think soaps... That's the same to me. Soaps... I've said this before, a soap should have a transfer window.

People are getting texting. A limos pulled up outside of the studios. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Transfer deadline day. And, well, they can get... Emmerdale can get Ian B on a free because his contract... But he's, like, cup-tied when it gets...

The thing is... Like, I like watching it as a spectacle. Because these are people... These are elite athletes doing what they do. I like the spectacle of, say, for instance, the Super Bowl, in which I don't care about the match... I just like the graphics. Like a magpie.

Yeah, of course. I like the graphics and I like the halftime show. I like the ad-liff. Yeah, it's that. Of course. But you can't fake the tribal emotion of it. Do you envy it? Do you wish you could?

Yeah, of course. And do you have this with rugby, for instance? No, even with rugby, it's international only. There's no... Yeah. I don't have a club. And even with international, if it's like a test... Yeah.

And it's like, yeah. I do understand that frustration. And I personally have this with rugby, I'm like, I can't... I love seeing a ball kicked in crap. incredibly hard from 30 yards into like the top car. I love seeing, I love that trajectory. Yeah.

I just don't get that from someone bringing a ball over a line. I just don't get it. It's, it's, it's, I think it's a thing where, like, it's easier for me to get that from rugby because I had to play it for years. Yes. And I know that, like, when 15 of the heaviest men are trying to be in your way and hurt you. It's gladiators.

To try and get through them is so impossible. Yeah. And you feel like you're in the fucking song because you're covered in mud. and your whole body hurts. Have you ever been knocked down and then had to get back up again? Yes. That like...

Emotionally, yeah. Yeah, but that thing where you're like completely on your ass. No, times I've turned a blind up. And having to go, fucking hell. Whenever they get tackled and get up again, they're doing that like a hundred times a match and then sprinting. Yeah.

It's just... It's so hard. Yeah, you're watching the guy in fucking 19, 17, or whatever the film is. When you're at the final dash. Yeah. Or like the revenant. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. So whenever anyone gets through, by trickery or by force,

it's just such an achievement. Yeah. Because everyone on the team weighs 120 kiloceros. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And is fast. But that's because I've suffered through it myself. Yes. We pretty much aren't enough time for correspondents again.

We're going to roll it over. We're going to roll it over. Oh, God, you're going to sign up to the Patreon. Yeah. Is that this right? Yes. Well, if you do sign up, you get all sorts of cool stuff. Free extra episode a week.

George Potter once a month you'll hear what we thought of Shen Yun things along these lines and middle tier people get the film watch along so we do director's commentary the next one coming up this month will be Madam Webb

Yeah, a decision we've made moments before recording A widely acclaimed Piece of shit film We're gonna watch it straight after this by the way As far as I can tell As far as I can tell in advance A paramedic who once met Spider-Man

That's the film That's the level of Marvel films that we're at now. Yes, very funny that Web is in her name in the same way. It's like treehouse of horror credits. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Just, I anticipate it's going to be absolute feces. If you've got Netflix, then you can watch Madam Web. Then you can watch long with us. Yeah. Or any other, you know, your methods or your own. DVD. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go to HMV. Get a bloody VHS of it. Make it if you don't have one. But other than that, Koji and patrons, we will see you in a couple of days. See in a couple of days. Bye-bye.