BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E37 | Illness Cheese

Episode Date: February 25, 2026

This week the buds discuss robot Paddington, the BAFTAs controversy, Pierre's Venice trip and Dominos v Papa Johns!Watch the full episode on our YouTube channel here!Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!Glenn is on tour across the UK! For tickets go to https://www.glennmoorecomedy.com/Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVPierre is going on tour across the UK, Ireland and Netherlands! Including a headline show at the Leicester Square Theatre on May 28th! Tickets available now at https://www.pierrenovellie.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi guys, my tour starts soon. I go all around the UK, Ireland and the Netherlands. So come check it out. Also, if you're in London and you just missed my sold-out Soho Theatre run, I'm back at Leicester Square Theatre on the 28th of May. All of the links, dates, times, etc. are found on my website, Piannavelli.com. Scroll down to live and you will see it all there. And I'll see you there. It's Budpod 37. Oh, if Kirk Cobain had held on for just another 10 more years. Just another 10 more. Yeah, he'd have been part of much more.

That's all we need. I mean, as soon as it's your birthday, you can... Who do you think is in... Because 27 is young enough that you know it involves tragedy. Yeah. But like the sort of 47 club... Well, I've always thought this about like... Heavy smokers?

The 87 club is probably full of so many more. Like, it's probably like Thatcher and all these people. It's like... So many major historical figures, good or bad. Just when you thought... I don't know. Historically, who's making it that far? A warlock. Oh, yeah, but isn't it that thing of average age back in it is nonsense,

because if you just push through that threshold of the first four months. This is true. This is a harrowingly true. If you can just push through about sleep regression. Harrowingly true, bugbear of mine. People say, well, the average life expectancy in medieval times was like 31. It's like, yeah, because of the... Yeah, it's the only time in life statistically.

I'm like, can we just use the median on this one? Like, I think median might be better. Yeah. Mode is some bullshit. No one's using mode. Mode, I've never... That's someone who's jealous because their mates came up with mean and median.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the, um, frankincense. Yes, yeah, yeah. The most jealous person in the world was a person who invented the second ever car. I didn't need one. Every car should be a Ford. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Every car should be the same.

Yeah. I'm amazed that every car isn't just like variations on the smart car. Like as little material used as possible. Yeah. I probably made a foam. Foam car. Well, like, it shouldn't be possible to kill someone by crashing into them. No, but I think on a wet day, did you ever get hit with a, like, at school?

That horrible giant ball. Yeah. At primary school, you weren't allowed to play with a normal football. Yeah, but foam balls, which is fine. Play with the prescription ball. Then they end up having chunks taken out of them. So it looks like the, it's like playing with the Apple logo. And then it's a wet day.

It's simply under a fucking medicine ball. It's twice the size. And he'd be killing a goalkeeper. But it would become impregnated with filth. Yeah. With sort of mud water, like moss and things would grow in it, because it would never dry out. Yeah.

At least where I'm, I'm... It was like James and Giant Peach. It was just, it had like, this entire, like, it was a... It became a biome. Should we play foot biome at lunch? Yeah, you were getting killed like something from the end of Space Odyssey 2001, like a whole planet within an atom within a... Yeah.

Whole continents could be kicked off the surface of the... Yes, yeah. Did you see... I mean, we're recording this only a couple of days ahead of time. Did you see Paddington last night? No, it's addressed to the nation. Yeah, the BAFTAs. Oh, God.

They brought out like the West End Paddington. with like the hockey mask I had a lot of time I understand that Oh I love the suit Toughens the nipples Doesn't it Mrs Brown Do you

Do you Is it a robot or a guy in a suit Well Well I was walking with a friend of mine Through like the Strand Beginning in January And we just wanted to go for a walk We just go for a coffee

We hadn't had to catch up in ages and we saw a really like grizzled looking guy. It looked like a Samaritan's advert. Right, right. Having a cigarette. And we looked up and it was the stage door of the, the big theatre in Chancross, the fancy hotel, the Savoy.

Yes. And it looks like that photo filter where they really like do all the lines on your face. Yes, yeah, yeah. Like a maximum black lines, maximum contrast. And me and my friend were like, I bet that's Paddington. And my parents went to see. it weirdly on my dad's birthday. Sure. Well, he loves marmalade, doesn't he?

It was so surreal. Well, I saw my parents a few weeks go, and I was like, I asked my dad how he'd spent his birthday, and he was like, we went up to London, and we went to the West End. With the Angel of Death. And then I was like, did you get for dinner, and he said, no, we got on McDonald's. And I went, sorry, did you celebrate your 10th birthday? He thought it was up in Paddington and had a McDonald's. Was this like a kind of, Henneemort?

Sort of mix up where, like, one of your children were supposed to have this experience. Yeah. So like in a few weeks, your youngest, youngest child is being taken to the Imperial War Museum. Yes. And then for a state. Like, for plots you'd get in, like, the Bino. Yeah, yeah. Where, like, Dennis the Menace, switches his parents' diaries.

And his dad's first option is get a lady's haircut. You're like, why did Dennis' mum write get a lady's haircut? For once. Yeah. Yeah. And he's not questioning this cut and blow dry at all. Completely credulous. Yeah, he's got the enormous, like, egg-shaped hair, dry a thing over his head.

Reading Cosmo. Yeah, yeah. And all the other people giving that done to them have got their hands in front of their mouths with T-He written. Yes, yeah, yeah. Love the mustache, Mrs. Menace. Mrs. The Menace. It's Mr. Thank you.

Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha. It's terminacy, actually. It's pronounced temenice. Temenace. Dene Temeine. Dene? He's a sort of satir.

A figure. A figure. of chaos. Depictions on sort of, freezes you'd find on like the Parthenot. You can see Dennis the Menace, it's always sporting this huge, grotesque erection. Vainy purple goat dick

from Denise. Yes, yeah, yeah. The Menacher. It turns out Dionysus is a mispronunciation. It's Dennis the Menace. He's a servant. He worships the vine. Yeah.

They thought he was paying pan flight, panpipes. It's a pea shooter. To hit multiple teachers at once. Just like in the British Museum a marble sculpture of Dennis the Menace as a sort of cherub with a bowler shooting a panpipe at like an equally marble guy dressed as a British teacher from the 1920s for some reason. No one knows what it means. It's beautiful. Beautiful. They would have painted it, you know.

Yeah. Well, the softies would have been, like Walter Vasofti would have actually been the traditional portrayals of like the mortals. No, like sporting prowess because they'd have like miniature penises, which was always, that was always like, that's what you wanted. In ancient Greek, you wanted like an absolutely like... The most tiny... Baby carrot-sized dick. It sort of balls on the front.

Sort of always, they're so muscular that they've got kind of frontball. It's switched round, is it? Yeah. They're just there. But yeah, Paddington. Yes. Paddington gave an address to the nation. Yeah. Was it like the mask of the red death? He appeared at the Baptist to say, all the doors have been sealed.

You're all coming with me. Yeah, he took away like Anthony Hopkins. I don't want to go. You're coming anyway. Doesn't matter what you are. It is haunting C3PO voice. Because that's the thing he is just now C3PO because obviously he's got this like mechanical. So is a robot?

No, it's a guy. But he has like odd, stiff movements of, I'm enjoying tonight. but I'd enjoy it more if there was rather more marmalade. And the crowd are like, is that a fucking punchline? You're going, we know. We already know about our marmalade. We already know about this. You've made it your personality, like when people make bacon their personality.

He's let epic marmalade. You win Le Sumptuous West part of London for today, good sir. You win Le townhouse for today. Eight-floor townhouse. Yeah. All of Paddington's neighbours. should be Russian. They're never there.

It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. Paddington and a kind of long-term Brown family who, like, for some reason, haven't sold up, or maybe it's like a kind of council house situation.

They're clinging onto it for dear life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they haven't been able, they haven't been able to afford to repair anything. Yeah. They can't get permission from the neighbors because they all live in Qatar and they don't reply. So they can't do any modifications to the building. So we just want to replace a light bulb

and we have to ask the whole street. Yes, yeah, yeah. And then Paddington should just be walking down this empty, like, unlit street. Yes, yeah, yeah, like the beginning of Mr. B. Just empty, derelict. It must be haunting, like, where it sounds like when you hear a record playing

in like a blitzed city and saving Private Ryan or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's really echoing. That's always one of those. That house in Paddington, you go, Hugh Bonneville himself couldn't afford to live there now. It's bonkers. Even with the money from all the padding to see.

Yeah, it's just crazy. It should be on the market for 7.8 million or something. Unbelievable. I can't remember what their jobs are, but it's definitely like some money laundering thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He runs like an American candy shop. He wears like a fuzzy brown suit and you just think, what is this? Yeah, come on, man.

Yeah, yeah. No, we fly things to Dubai. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay, all right. Things, yeah. Things back as well? Yeah.

Okay. I think I've walked down one of those streets in Pimlico years ago. Some friends who I went to uni with had ended up renting a, like, you know, like a proper London basement flat. Yes. Where it's the most subterranean fucking... Yes. Bathroom of any London restaurant.

Yeah, you go downstairs and you go, oh, I'm not in Kansas anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You start hearing danger music. Yeah, and every bathroom smell so stash. I always described as holiday bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Draney. Yes.

It's not, like, disgusting, but it's very like, I'm in a bathroom on holiday. Man should not have delved so deep. It's the air in all those buildings. That was their flat. Yeah. Casa Dunn. Yeah, Casa Dum. And there's dwarf corpses everywhere, skeletons and things.

I knocked one down a well. So they were in this very, yeah, man should not have delved so deep kind of basement flat. And they found it in Pimler, for not that much money because of the condition and they worked very nearby. Because Pimlico is so fancy, right? But it's that kind of fancy where there's no shops. Yeah, I used to work in Pimlico.

But it's like a ghost town, right? There's no supermarkets. It was the only job I ever had where I had an hour lunch break. I'd go, can I just leave an hour earlier? Can I just play on? Because there's people here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to walk through Silent Hill.

Yeah, it was kind of strange. Kensington Architecture Edition. It was solitary but not confinement. And I don't know what that is as a term. The cruelest irony of all. Yes, yeah, yeah. There was time now. I went there and I couldn't find a shot.

I was like, oh, just bring some booze to their flat from like an off license. Like the nearest off license was like a 20-minute walk away, which in London is mad. There's no supermarkets. Yeah. And I got there and we hung out, we had dinner. And then when I walked from their basement flat through the various windy Pimlico streets to the tube, no lights on. Oh, that's strange. Dark.

Street lamps, no lights on in any windows. And every now and then on one street, there'd be a basement flat or an attic flat where someone on, you know, average or lower salary lives. He's awake. And they're awake, I guess, panicking about living in hell. Everything else is just, I remember reading somewhere as the silence of bricks accruing value.

Just land growing in value. Yeah. Mad. So that's what Panickeying should be like. That's what Padding should be like. Should be no nice neighbours. I wish he was a robot. The BAFTA address would have been so funny if his mouth had just been mechanically opening closing and the voice had been like, oh, bon, bon, whome.

Or just silently going, oh. Yeah. Yeah, they go, what's the fucking voice actor? He's not here. Press play, press play, press play. And then it's unsinked. Leonardo, American's having to be told. Americans having to be told through headphones, like they're at Nuremberg, what's going on?

Yeah. British to American interpreters. This is a bear that's very important to these people. You have to clap after what the... The ambassador of the Peruvian ambassador is giving it a truth. His excellency. Yeah. You know how there's that like Japanese ambassadors to the UK is always walking around of like little bears of Paddington?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, Paddington walks around of a little toy of a Japanese guy. Japanese ambassador Yeah Yeah Cuddly pint Yeah

Yeah So the main I mean this is like The morning after the Batters isn't like I normally watch Yeah But you know about

The Tourette's incident I have just This morning seen people talking a lot About Tourette's And something about the Bafters And that's all I know

Right So you know the film I swear Yes this is the one Where it's like a kind of Indy film That this whole like struggle

About getting fun And it's a bad, the guy who is the leading it won, no, I think you won best actor. Yeah. But, yeah, it's based on this real-life guy who was in the audience. Yeah. And he kept it, like, during, like, Best Kids film was like, fuck off! In the audience. But the first award was presented by Michael B. Jordan and someone else from Sinners.

Yeah. And he yelled out the M-word. Go what? And also, not only that was, it was pre-recorded ceremony. They then put it out on TV. No, no, no, no. Yeah. No.

But obviously the discourse is now, obviously, well, what do you... Well... It's trolley solution. It's, yeah. But he's getting... Obviously, the guy who the film is based on is getting, obviously, a huge amount of hate online.

Which I don't think is entirely fair, because we don't know it was him. It was Hopkins. And then Mel Gibson. Just immediately pointing, I think that guy... He's been shouting... Yeah.

He's been shouting a lot. Yeah. And it scuttles out. Yeah. I did a gig once in London where there was a lady, and I think in this very specific context, it is relevant. She was a black lady. Right.

And she had Tourette's. And we were told before the gig. I don't know if you've had this experience. The organizers come and warn you. No, no. I went to eat with a guy of Tourette's, but I've never had it in like a gig. The organizers came and they said, oh, she's a regular. Like, we know her.

It's not like a. thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not making it up or something. She's like, we know her, but she does have Tourette's and she will, she'll shout stuff out while you're on stage. Yeah.

If you're all fine with that. We were like, yeah, yeah, whatever. And when I went on and introduced myself and said, oh, because I'm originally from South Africa, the first thing she shouted is, AIDS, he's got AIDS. AIDS. Just immediately, AIDS, he's got AIDS.

And I was like, well, that's, that's quite quick. And I was saying, I was saying it's also like, It's very specific. It's like Lee Mack, just the speed of... That's what he says all the time on would I lie to you. Yeah, she immediately, she was like,

I just got AIDS. And she kept saying AIDS and Nazi. You go, yeah, there's a, yeah, there's a... I can see where from South Africa. Because Tourette's isn't random. No, that's the point. That's the whole point. In Germany, people's Tourette say Heil Hitler.

Because it's an offensive... You know, you know, it's the worst thing you can say. Exactly. I think, I don't know. the UK, but I remember like a few very famous documentaries being on TV, one involving the guy that this movie's based on. Yeah, yeah. But also there was one where they took a group of teenagers of Tourette's. It was like a Channel 4 documentary. Yeah. To American. It was brilliant. And it's on YouTube and it's fantastic. But I guess in America, maybe they just haven't been like informed as much

about this as a condition. But they, they, they took them to America and they're in Manhattan. And immediately one of the guys is like, Twin Touse. Fuck shit. Oh, God. And he's like, oh, no. And they're all laughing because they're like, oh no, this is going to happen now. And they're all just yelling that out as loudly as they can. Just to be trapped with like a kind of glass head, right? Like people can just see. Because you always have that thought where you get handed a baby and you think, don't throw this baby over the wall.

Yes. I don't like holding other people's babies because I'm like, obviously I know I'm fine. But I'm like, but what's the benefit of me holding this versus what's the risk? Do you know what I mean? You do it like an insurance underwriter. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, Walter Mitty or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't imagine the horror of being the equivalent of being handed a kid and immediately saying, I hope I don't kill it, but having to immediately say the worst thing. Yeah. Because we all think the worst thing. Yeah. Time to time. I will shudder in the street occasionally

because I'll imagine sending, like writing out a terrible message about someone and accidentally sending it specifically to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because I've done that before. I've done it before. No. Yeah.

I did it to a... Oh my gosh. I'm not even somebody really says many... That's about anyone at the best of times. No. So this was like so off character. You went from full pacifism to nuclear war. And just looked up and I'd sent it to the guy in question.

And brain went into immediate overdrive of like, how do we deal with this? Yeah. And my housemates at the time were just watching me like sink into a beam. bag chair going, oh no, oh no. Who's just watching a film? I was like, oh. And I said, I think I sent a message going like, hello friends. If you've just received a message saying the following, please blame my, you know, and then just like blamed it on like a, and pretended it was like a copy paste message about everyone or whatever. Nice, nice, nice. It was papered over. But that was, oh, it was thrilling.

Was it alarmingly specific, though, the negative things you were saying? I don't think, no, I don't think so. So I think it was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his girlfriend, Becky. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his third nipple and... Yeah, yeah, yeah. How does he know about that?

Another crazy... Yeah, it could be anyone. Crazy message from... Third nipple's amazing, by the way. You just want to make that clear. I like them. Yeah, prefer them. So that guy's going through hell then.

This Tourette's guy. Yeah, he left halfway through the ceremony, apparently. But I wonder what's going to happen to the film, as well. Because if I was him, you've done all that work, you've won all these BAFTAs, in that moment where you can feel

your dreams coming true around you, and now this. Well, no, because this is like some 60-year-old Scottish-year-old Scottish guy who the movie is based on. And so that's the guy. So he's... No, but it doesn't...

It's gonna... If he's unlucky, or if they're all unlucky, it's going to be like the film, The Apprentice. The Donald Trump film? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when that came out,

I think when they started making it, they were like, oh, he won't win the second term, right? Because when it came out, he kind of, I think he just had or he was on his way. So anyone left for him was like, well, I don't want to praise the film about the rise to power of Donald Trump. And everyone on the right was like, oh, it makes him look like a moron

who got taught how to be evil by a famous gay sociopath from New York in the 70s. So we don't want to endorse that. So no one endorsed it, even though it's a good film. Well, I mean, speaking of the Donald Trump's second term thing, when we moved house a couple of months ago and we were going through our bookshel's being like, what books are we going to keep and stuff like that?

The first things to go to the charity shop were like, Hillary Clinton, what happened, fire in the fury? I haven't read them now. When am I going to read a book about Donald Trump's first turn? In what world? Is that interesting?

Hitler as counsellor. Yeah. As like a local counsellor 28 to 31. Yeah. Because here's how you approach. Oh, it's terrifying. Yeah. I hope someone does something.

Gosh, yeah. Just looking back. Just looking back. So many beerhole speeches and it never went further. Few. But they put him in prison. Yes. And that was the end of it. Is there a sequel?

Yeah, I should have... Do I still have fire in the fury? If I do, you're right. I should get rid of it. When would you ever look back of that? Yeah, because you go, it's already been... At a time of recording, the whole, whatever it was John Adams or whatever, the guy who used to pretend to be when he rang up news. networks.

John Barron. Wrang up a news network yesterday to complain about the tariffs. They figured out it wasn't him. Thank you. Yeah. Because I was like, this is too good to be true and it's two two-dimensional and the voice on the thing sounded so much like Trump and it wasn't Fox News. Like if it was really be ringing up Fox News.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel stupid now for having even fallen for it for a second. But they did have to look into it because he did use to do that and it is mental. Yeah. And he was doing some Chiefs of Staff thing at the time. And the call came from Virginia. Yeah, yeah. So they went, okay, no.

Yeah. Unless. Unless. I've, so many conspiracy theories now based on just Photoshoped images of documents that aren't real on TikTok about like Epstein eating children and things. Yeah. I've had people text me about it going. I think I. Is this you?

I'm just going. This you? You'd like this? Yeah. Here's a laugh for you. You're fucking, you're free. Yeah. Take a sideways glance at this, you fuck. Be wry about this.

Demon. Demon Island. Anytime anything is reported that is a thing a demon would do. It's 99.9% of the time not true. And 0.1% of the time, it is real. And it's a serial killer that we're all watched documentaries about for ages. Because you go, we've got enough real material to go on here. We don't need this.

We don't need it. We don't need it. Yeah, and it's not fair on cannibals to group them in with the hot. It isn't. Yeah. It isn't. All those German cannibals going, yeah, well, it's not like we all have islands. It's an outrageous.

Actually, pretty elitist of you to assume. Yeah, not every cannibal is some sort of billionaire, okay? I work in a shop. Yes. Yeah? Okay. So. In a little town.

I should sit my hungry ass down and listen. You should sit. sit your ass down and listen in this little pan with some butter and some garlic and maybe some pepper and be some thifer yeah i've always thought it must be so unfortunate if you had specific um say sexual interests yeah that weren't covered by any of the hundreds of categories on something like porn hub right so you're you have to just click on a true a true outline you have to click on the fetish category and that means you're in with all the weirdos yeah that is a broad that's almost like the category being

sex too. Yeah. Because there must be stuff in there. You're like, oh, I'm not into that. Don't group me with that. I kind of, I always feel, it's like how I feel bad for, like, terrorists having to use the dark web when they see the other stuff on the dark web.

And they're like, I'm trying to make a bomber. I don't want to, I'm not one of them. These good religious men. Yeah, exactly. Godfearing. Incredibly Godfearing. Fucking hell. Wait, but that's, but that's,

an interesting question. How God-fearing are they? Because they got fearing enough to go and blow up a lot of people. Yeah. But they think that once they've done the blowing up, God's going to be all of a hullabaloo. He's going to love to see him. You know, they're not afraid. I've done all the killing God wants me to do. Yeah, because I'm no longer God fearing. I've heard father's affection. Father will be delighted. Yes. Yes. I've always wondered how serious are in their situations. Like if They are just about to pull off a horrific attack somewhere, any terror group. And if one of them farts, do they laugh or are they just all about the terror? I think.

Are they just like focus? Either they like that or they laugh loads because they're freaking out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The adrenaline must be insane. It must be, it would be mad if you watch that kind of grainy CCTV footage of the London bombers. And they were just like chuckling. Oh, yeah. There'd be so much more haunting.

Yeah. These good God-fearing men. God-fearing is going to be the new way I refer to terrorists. In the same way, I've always referred to the freedom fighter of Somer bin Laden. The God-fearing freedom fighter from a good family. Yes. A nice family of construction developers, I think. Hobbies. Caving.

Spelunking. Yes, belunking. Noted God-fearing Spalunker Osama bin Laden. That's been a new unreasonable thing to say if I meet someone who's into like spalunking or exploring caves and stuff. Oh, like bin Laden. No, you've got to say it delighted. Yeah. Like bin Laden?

Oh, yeah. Like Al-Qaeda. Right, so. Yeah. You're the same. Isn't that marvelous? But do you hide in the caves? Yeah.

Then I just go an adventure in there. Oh. Oh, yeah. Some videos in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Life blogging, okay. They would have been... To the president.

Bin Laden would have been less threatening if his speeches had been him stuck in a cave. Yes, yeah. As opposed to in this big grotto film studio. Yes, yeah, yeah. He's literally, he's like that horror. Like, it's pressing against his chest. Shoulders up here upside down. Three millimeters of water.

Rising. Yeah. We will get the way. I don't think he made it out of this. It cuts out. I don't think we name. Yeah, when there's like weeks and weeks between the videos, you go, oh, we were worried about you, man.

You never call? Yeah. I won't you, but not like that. That's the worst way to go. Yeah. What did Paddington say, by the way? What the fuck was he doing up there? It was to present an award.

Oh, come on. Yeah. Come on. It wasn't like the in-memorium section of here are some of the people I've brought to the gates of hell. Here are some of the people I've punted across the river sticks. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Smeared marmalade on their eyes. So I've got something to pay.

Two little sandwiches. Yeah. Marmaline sandwiches over your eyes. Little buns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they go, yeah, they cross the river sticks in a bathtub because he just let the bathroom completely overflow. Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's like a wallace and grommet thing. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How was, you've just got back from Venice, the murder capital of Europe. What? It isn't. I genuinely, I thought for a second, fuck, maybe.

You'd push people into the river? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's like... That's what I thought. Why aren't we doing it, really? So I've never been, is it just, is it just like... It's just in the... Because the images I've seen are obviously of just the river bits, but is that genuinely the whole...

That's all it is. Right. It's like a film set. There's no land. Right. Like, there's land, but there's no... No cyclists. Or if they are, that are, deftified.

No cyclists, no cars. There's like a boat ambulance. Ambulance. They've got a ambulance. Right. Bambulantio. They've got a bambolantio or whatever it would be. It's fucking nuts.

We took a small... When they opened the back doors, just flub and drown the space. They just push them... It's like... It just tips upwards like a Titanic. It splits in half. It's when they bury a dead pirate. They're shrouded and then tips.

And someone blows a horn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very peaceful. Mm. I... we took a little trip on a water taxi thing to a different island and we realized that it was the first time in three or four days we'd seen grass interesting there's not even grass yeah it's just like a paved over canal bits of building

bridge it's mad i mean we you'd be standing in a square or something and you think here's the restaurant here's me on the map yeah and like on your phone it's like an inch and you go great I mean, but like four minutes. No, no, no. It'll be like 20 minute walk over bridges, like zigzagging, round through other zones and like down again. So it'll be like going like a horseshoe pattern. Yeah.

To somewhere that's actually physically really near you, but there is no way of getting there. I hate it on Google Maps when you're driving. It's like, the location is one mile away, but you're like, but you're like, but you will have to drive seven miles together. It's one mile if you walked through. walls like the beginning of Anton Dex Saturday takeaway or The Terminator.

It's one mile away if you crash into the hard shoulder now. Yes, yeah. Flea your vehicle and just run across fields. Yes. Like you're in a zombie film. Yes. Like you're in 28 days later. Or like Lunarines where you just see a person going over each individual hill. Yeah.

I think I prefer that way of travel because I find something like Manhattan frustrating where you're like, I can see where I need to go because everything's in a grid. I can see where everything is, but it's also 14 miles away. And you're walking closer and I feel like a PlayStation one game where it's just like, is that a pre-rendered?

That's not. Like, the Empire State Building's not, like... I can't go in there, can I? I'm not getting closer, am I? Yeah, you have to trudge down a sort of infinity corridor. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like American highways.

Yeah, that's why I think Americans are so obsessed of like, concept of like liminal spaces and backrooms and stuff like that. There's like a horror concept because it's true to life. Yes, yeah, yeah. They're always in a kind of infinite somewhere. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. I think there are more liminal spaces

somewhere where you have to travel more and in straight-al lives. Whereas in Venice, I imagine you can stumble upon places. 100%. You can't stumble upon something where you can already see at all. Stumble upon the Empire State. Yeah.

It's filled with, it's like a, yeah, it really is like a film set. It's filled with nooks and crannies galore. Crannies? So many crannies. Wow. Some really fit crannies. Yeah, yeah.

So it's such a wretched word, isn't it? I know, that's horrible. Because nook, you're like, occasionally hear on its own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never hearing it. Yeah, just check the cranny. Yeah.

Using the word... Using the word... Using the word cranny makes me feel like that freaky little Belgian man in Bruges, where he keeps saying, Elkovs. You have this word, the Elkov? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we have the world. Yeah. I mean, it's stunning, but the reason that for a second I thought,

maybe Glenn's right. There's loads of roads and stuff called, like, Assassins Alleyway. in like Assassin's place Oh really? Yeah, assassini Oh Which I guess is like

Yeah, assassins plural Or anyone famous die there? I mean, yeah, sure But not like in any kind of JFK sense Yes, yeah And I looked up like why there are all these In Balisconi was beheaded

And turned into her river Yeah Trying to fuck the doge Yeah So horny he tried to fuck the doge The doge himself The Dogee I looked up

I tried to find out Like, why am I walking through like Assassin's Boulevard? And the internet was like, yeah, mad, isn't it? Yeah. That sounds very chat GPT response. Well, that's what the internet is like now. Well, that's just one of those crazy little things we call life. That's what the internet is like now, though.

It used to be that you'd find a GeoCities page where another artist had put the answer. Yes. Now, you get 100 sponsored links and a robot going, while it's true that there are many roads of assassins in Venice, People are unsure link as to the reasons why. And you click link to footnote to unsure link. And it's like a photo image hosting account from 2011 with a photo of a street sign.

Yeah. And you go, what is this? Yeah, the internet used to be J-Story. It used to be a peer-to-peer learning experience built by and for the people. Yeah. And now it's a robot that's somehow been designed to be like a guy in a pub who you don't know. Yeah. Who's leaning over going, yeah, mad, isn't it?

while he empties a bucket of water. A guy next to a running tap that you can't touch. You're trying to turn it off. He slaps your hand. He goes, stop that. I need that. I need that to tell you I don't know. I need that to tell you how much I don't know and send you links.

Yuck. Yeah. So I don't know. I have no idea why there's so many assassins roads in Venice. But when you said murder capital, I thought... Oh, no. Maybe like over time, so many schemes. Yeah.

It's exactly where a guy in a cloak should leap out and knife you. Yes. To try and get something done in the court. Yes. It's very much that vibe. Very, very much that vibe. Lots of museums, lots of Byzantine stuff.

Couldn't believe it. It's your romantic, immediate post-wedding. Trip. And you sent a photo to the button-boys account of you in a fucking armoury. Yeah. How did you manage to make this not romantic? It's in the Doge's Palace. Yeah, but still, you have you grab a...

to take straight to the swords. You have to walk in a straight line. And I knew that that straight line would lead us through the sword room. Yeah, yeah. And it was the first straight, it was the first part of Venice you got to walk in a straight line through. So, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, man. And what an armour it was. What an armoury. Really great. Do you rank them? Do you have a favourite? Sheffield.

Sheffield? Is it Sheffield Armouries or is it Leeds City Armouries? I do not remember ever encountering an armour. In all the years, I lived in Sheffield. Maybe it's in Leeds then. Oh man, when I was in Sheffield a couple of weeks ago, there was a restaurant that we used to go to for every, like, first night meal whenever we'd done, like, a play at the uni.

Because they'd always sponsor your plays. Oh, and you put a shitty poster up in their window. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You put a poster on the window, and in return, they get, like, a one-page flyer in your program. And there was a restaurant in Sheffield, an Italian restaurant that was always open to a really late. and I went a couple of years ago to Sheffield and I was going to like a friend's party and I went for dinner about evening

and I thought, do you know what? I'm going to go back to that restaurant. I've never been before. And in my head as a student, I remembered it as like authentic. Yeah, yeah. Italian cuisine, like really... As you walk past on a dark night,

it's filled with laughter and orange glow. Someone playing the accordion. Yeah. Everyone's moving around like the people in the pub with Gaston. Yes, yeah, yeah. When I went about two years ago, I remembered it as this authentic. of the Italian experience. I went in, there were two waitresses called Lynn.

And in the kitchen, it dunk. Yeah, it was like Heinz's hoops. And I was backstage at my show at Sheffield Tiddie Hall a couple of weeks ago. And I was like, the show started pretty late. And I was like, where can I go for dinner after this? And I was like, this Italian restaurant, I may as well go back. It's the only place that I was open. And during the interval, I like booked a table. And it was like, absolutely like booked to table for like 9.45. And it let you look all the way up to like 1030. So I was like, great, 945. I get to the restaurant at 9.30.

It is pitch black and someone's mopping. And I was like, I have booked a table and they went, well, sorry. I was like, I respect that. I really respect that. I respect the goal. They just went, this isn't worth a guy spending like £9.95 on a bowl and a day. This isn't worth us staying open for. No.

Yeah. I wanted to come here? No. No. Okay. You won't. Yeah. That's incredible.

Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. What did you eat? I went back to my hotel room and got, because Sheffield is such a student city. Dominoes is open until four in the morning. No, no. What's wrong with that way he's saying?

No. Dominoes. But I got a Domino's, yeah. That's crazy to me. Do you not like Dominoes? It's like saying, do you like vodka? It's like, wow. Yeah, it has the effect I'm looking for in a speed running sense.

Yeah, yeah. It's a kind of incredibly expensive boxers. of salt I can be delivered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vodka gives me the sensation I've come back from a night out. Yeah, my mouth tastes like I've been out. Yeah, I haven't enjoyed any of it. Yesterday.

Yeah, but I can't do, I don't enjoy the experience at all. There's nothing worse than waking up in a hotel room having eaten a dominoes. I find that experience terrible because the kind of hotels, certainly that I book onto it to save money. are airless tubes. Like easy jet hotels, where you have to pay extra for a window. Like you're in the Sims. Yeah, and you get plus five charisma

because the window has light coming through it. I've stopped getting stuffed crust when I get dominoes because it was like, they just use a very unique type of illness, geez. They use like a big shoelace. It's horrible. Yeah, it's like a strange, like, worm. I'm like, I've given me a parasite.

But I think they lay it in. like the inner tube of a tire. That is. Pizza up do that as well. Yeah, they just go, there it is. Yeah, they layered in them and then they build the base around it. They've got their ring of cheese, like a Victorian boy with a hoop. Often it doesn't melt.

No, that's the issue. You've got this, like, cord of cheese with, like, freckles of green in. Yeah, the more I thought about it, I thought, actually, this is about a satisfying to eat as a cheese string. Yeah. So it isn't. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is cheese based on the memory of an alien who visited our planet at some point.

They're trying to recreate cheese on their planet. Yeah. They don't have cows. It's like vegan cheese. If you said to me, if you said to me, everything in Domino's is actually made from like mushrooms and things. That's it. Yeah, I can believe it. I like vegan cheese if I know it's vegan cheese going into it.

You know, I'm like, I'm aware of it. I mean, I'm still, my go-to is still a John. Yes, you're a real father John's apologist. Absolutely. I'm on first-known terms of it with a guy. You know, it's, um, I, I love it so much, but I, I never, I wasn't even put off. You never butter dip, that pure butter dip they do. I wasn't even put off when I think it was Christopher MacArthur Boyd, the comedian who messaged me saying he, he'd seen the dip referred to as dog cum.

And I still, like, that hasn't put me off. And he's saying this message out of the blue, do you? Yeah. That is horrific. Yeah. I'll still have it. It's a horrific dip. I'll still keep eating that garbage.

Does Papa John still furiously emphasize how much their dough is made from Canadian red wheat? I've never noticed that in my life. They went through a real... But I'm not thumbing through the brochure. Oh, I'm... It's like I'm at an open house. I'm reading through the... On the boxes...

I ought to like Tim Robinson. Trying to do it a bit... Yeah. I, they used to emphasize on the box, I think. 100% Canadian prairie red wheat or something. And I would read it and go, so I don't care. You think I care about the wheat? Does Canadian wheat have a reputation for Americans?

Why would it be good? Yeah, I like it. Just like a mama used to harvest in Alberta, Alberta province. I would, no, I would never check my sort of things because I would order, Papa John's like it was a medical emergency. Get down, no, no, half a paparoni, half it, you know, like, just putting over the phone.

Being played with the little moving line. Yes, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Viewers of a sensitive disposition may want to look away, no. I dare a helicopter overhead and they'd be doing like live footage of my house. But then a minute, the box

would never be closed because it would be open on my lap and then it was in the bin. So I never saw. I never, I never read the box. To wake up. up in an airless tomb with no windows. So it's the perfect

blackness of the below the earth and to just smell a congealed dipped carton and emptied cow everything from a cow the milk the cheese

the meat all exploded into this card pod box you'd rather wake up hung over and find a dead body in the corner of your room be like I'll deal with that

fucking later I don't like... But you just wake up and you go and your mouth is like... It gets insanely dry because it's just salt. Yeah. I used to eat so much salt

that I didn't realize how salty those pizzas were which looking back seems insane. Yeah, because now they make you hurt. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a deer could be lured to aglaid with as a salt like this. Well, the night before your wedding I was... I had a tortee in Salisbury

then drove up to Gloucester where your wedding was. Yeah. And stayed in a hotel overnight and got there at like, I don't know, half 11 in the evening. Everywhere was closed. I was absolutely starving. I got a pizza hut takeaway.

They'd obviously like, I was obviously the final order of the night. So obviously they'd like semi-cooked it. I'm like, I have no issue with you. No. I'm like, you guys want to go home and I get that. No, I say, take pride. If I worked at a pizza out, I'd be like, whoever's ordering this, they need this

more than the 6 o'clock customers do. Oh, no, they, like, rang me up to be like, it's so late. Our driver's gone home, so we'll try and get you fixed up with, like, Uber Eats, but there's a chance we might just have to cancel your order if no one wants to go. And I was like, it's imperative. I felt like I was in phone booths. Stay on the phone at all times. Do not hang up. Do not hang up.

But that it was such a liquid fucking pizza. The toppings were falling. I felt like, I felt like in a horror film where someone's, like, face has fallen off. You're just trying to put it back over there. Like, it was like in silence of a lounge where Hannibal Lett a little bit of a guy. It was like that. The toppings just wouldn't stay on.

I was like trying to mush it back in together. It was so wet and grim. And that was a real, like, in the morning, looked at it. And I was like, this, the fact I tried to eat it in bed as well. It looked like the godfather. My fucking horses. Christ. Woken up by the angry trumpeting of your own ass,

having eaten this insane dish. Yeah. And then in the morning, I had a shirt, put on a morning suit, When's he like, time to look good. Yeah. Washing my hands as much as possible. Like, the water's still not running clear. It's just running dip.

I just, I hate it when they make a pizza with like peppers or with mushrooms. Yeah. That haven't been dried out a bit. Okay. Because you, I always make this mistake because I love a home and mushroom. Mm. A regina.

The farmhouse? Is that what it is? It's a, whatever, you know, ham and mushroom. Pigs and mushroom. Yeah, pigs and mushrooms. It's a farm. They go together like pigs and mushrooms. Yeah.

And if they just use like, oh, mushrooms like from a supermarket, innocently, these innocent people. Yeah. Pints of water come out of the mushrooms in the oven. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. And so there's just like thin mushroom brown water puddling on the surface of the pizza,

but they've seen fit to do nothing. about. And it means that the whole thing has been steamed, if you're lucky. Like, you go like... And in a mushroom water. And in a mushroom, it's so like, I'm steamed in a mushroom water. Yeah. Instead of this, like, crispy, oveny pizza, you're getting this, like, boiled World War II

pizza. Whenever I was fucking, like, certain, like, a water... Like, I know, I know tins of plum tomatoes are better than tins of chopped tomatoes with regards to, like, wateriness. Yeah. The amount of water that comes out with things, or mushrooms or peppers. It always makes me think of life of pears. where he works at how to like boil seawater to make that.

I always think I'm on a ship with a tiger. I could live off this. Yeah. I don't need to drink ever again. You never need to drink ever again. And stop it. We're going to go to the Patreon now where I will say more about my post-wedding trip. They're calling, I was annoying my wife, I should say.

How does that feel? Weird. Yeah, don't like it. Yeah, really? Like I'm suffocating. Yeah. Yeah. No, it feels good.

It just feels strange. Yeah, it feels like I can't breathe. Yeah. I was annoying my wife by constantly saying on the trip, they're calling it a mini moon. Yeah. A mini moon. Because I think the term, I understand the need for the term mini moon,

but I don't like the way it sounds. Moon is too frivolous because most of a word is moo, and mini is also frivolous. Yeah. So it's just silly. It feels like it sounds like an ice cream for a toddler. Should we get him a mini moo? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he can have a mini moo.

That's okay, isn't it, when they don't have teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, great, great, great, great. Yeah, it's like baby chino shit. Yeah, yeah, no, it should be called something else, but I don't know what. We'll brainstorm. I'll talk about it more on the Patreon. And just an adult moo for me, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and two daddy moos.

A daddy moo and a mommy moo. For us. Yes. So, George Pod is also out today as we're recording this. So if you're listening to this fresh, that means yesterday. So join the patron to hear George Pod. Join the Patreon to hear the Patreon episode. extra episode once a week.

And in just a few days' time, cuts through our Island pod. Yeah. So I top tier subscribers if you want to watch the Gina Davis critically lambasted soft-buckling classic. Nineties pirate.

Pulled from cinemas within days. And somehow I managed to see it with cinema twice as a toddler. Like Haley's Comet. Yeah. Then please join the Patreon. Otherwise, thank you very much for listening. And come see me on tour.

Glenn, you're all done. all done. I finished as of the other day. Let's talk a bit more about that on a Patreon. You can see me in Melbourne and Sydney from the, I think the 25th of March, all the way through to the end of April. So just look me up online. Find me on Instagram, that sort of thing. You'll be able to find me quite easily. Yeah, just glim more. That's it. And I'll see you on tour, especially if you live in certain places that aren't selling as well as others. Do check out my website. Thank you.