BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E4 - This Tin Made Me Sin

Episode Date: July 2, 2025

This week, Glenn and Pierre revisit the grim realities of Megabus life during their early stand-up days, dive into the bizarre world building in off-brand theme parks, and the worst things they've seen in McDonalds. Email or Dm us your correspondence![e-mail] or DM @budpodofficial on Instagram.BUDPOD LIVE with Phil!July 5th, 2025 - Crossed Wires Festival, Sheffield.Tickets on sale now!Ticket Link - HereOctober 12th, 2025 - Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival, London.Tickets on sale now!Ticket Link - HereKOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don't forget to get tickets for Bud Pod live with me Piano Veli and Phil Wang as part of the crossed wise festival in Sheffield The 5th of July at the Playhouse doors open at 1030 in the morning get tickets In the link below in the description or the crossed wise festival website Was yeah I was, I was. I was. Yeah, I... Maybe that should be the cold open like on those Netflix documentaries for this episode. It just fades in on this. It's... is it three? Four. Four.

I've already lost count. Yeah, it's four. I guess because this is still very new to me. Yeah. So I'm still, I'm still counting. They mean a lot to me. Counting the days. Yeah. It's Bud Pod 4. It's Bud Pod 4. You spent the day at a theme park. Yeah, I did. I spent an hour.

We should say we're exercising our right to bear cans, bear bottles at the moment. This is the first Tinnie's pod. I mean, we're on glasses at the moment. But this is the first time ever in a broadcasting job that I've been doing since, I guess, the tail end of 2011. The first time I've ever had alcohol on a podcast. Really? Does it feel mental? It feels mental. I don't like being in a microphone in the same way.

That feels really strange. It must feel like there's a microphone in the same... that feels really strange. It must feel like there's a podcast where you just have to leave a gun near a baby. Just watch it. It's as odd as brushing my teeth on here. Like you go there for different rooms. It feels really uncomfortable. That's interesting. I feel really uncomfortable about the fact that, and I like the fact that every radio station I've ever worked at, because those radio stations are 24 hours, always have a shower block in the building. It's very, very handy to have.

But I've only ever used them once or twice, even in desperate situations in which I've slept overnight in said radio station. I've never enjoyed the fact of showering because you go, you're naked in the shower and you go, I am two doors away from ruining my life. If I just fell forwards two feet, my life is over. My life is over. I'm in an office block because the showers just open up into a big office. If I just. I mean, I'm sitting naked in front of Gok Wan, who

was qualified to deal with looking good naked. But yeah, I would feel humiliated by that. I see, yeah, the danger of context. Man! That's really funny. Because back in the day, when I was a newsreader, I would do like overnight gig at, you know, Jongler's Cardiff, would have a miserable time. The only satisfaction of being getting like the overnight megabus or the last train.

So you get to literally flee the country because you go, I fled, so badly I fled Wales yeah I had to leave Wales and then I I mean I get back and you're fleeing like it's world war two because you're queuing to get on a bus with luggage and stuff yes yeah yeah and I'm wearing like a woollen cardigan and a big suitcase I'm in good night Mr Tom and then I'd get to London at say two in the morning and I try and sleep for an hour and a half and then start reading the news on LBC at say half three so you have like an hour and a half and then start reading the news on LBC at say half three. So you'd have like an hour and a half sleep. But what would happen is there were a few rooms in the building that had sofas in, but every room in the building was motion,

the lights were motion activated. So what would happen is I'd get to the building and the lights would be pitch black and I'd be like, here we go. And I would just have to mission impossible my way through. Like I'd be losing half an hour of sleep time Just walking so slow like I'm in a Peter Gabriel music video Whatever and then just I mean just lying down the sofa And then what would happen is you'd then wake up half an hour later because all the lights would go chung chung chung

You know like a like a big Hanger or the end of Raiders of Velostar like an enormous warehouse lights that are going on and you'd go okay What's happened there is either I've made too much motion or there's a rat in the room with me, those are the two, cause we're in Leicester Square. Those are the two options. Yeah. You're the hardest working person in comedy. I mean, the idea of doing these, there's some dog shit gig

and then you can't even sleep after really, you've got to do a burglary. You think? And then your job is burglary, bus journey journey like you're fleeing from France as it falls. Yeah, I think that made me really deal easily with like having a kid because people were like, well, were you getting woken up at two in the morning by a screaming baby? It was like, yes, but I wake up in my own bed. Instead of rats at work.

My usual experience getting woken up was on the megaabus at 2 a.m. and I get woken up because someone was crying because a bottle of piss had smashed and I was sitting upright in a chair. I was sitting in an angle no one's ever slept there. The angle of seats on the National Express and Megabus are like concave, they're slightly forwards and you go I'm falling, I'm falling forward. It's the angle of like a stapler. I'm sleeping halfway through the, I'm a whole bunch. I'm just leaving halfway through the brace position.

And I'm in such a stress position. I'm planking, I'm planking to sleep. Every seat on the national express or megabus or whatever, the angle is like the bit before the drop on a roller coaster. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm at the beginning of oblivion. Yeah, yeah. I'm on oblivion, you go, just put homeless spikes and be done with it.

If you don't want me to sleep, just say so. Just the whole bus, no seats, just sharpened broomsticks coming out from the floor. You can lean on them for as long as you can stand the broom poking into your ass. You've given us all the seat the driver needs to stay awake. Yeah. Well, I don't punish me though. And then the- I paid £3.50 for this.

I've paid an amount that makes me think it can't be a business. It can't be real. Also, I once took an all night Megabus and I sort of thought I'll sleep a bit maybe but what actually happened was there's so many stops and at every stop all the lights go on like you've been caught escaping from area 51 and then it's cold it's lights isn't it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I know if it's into the ceiling but why are they searching I don't know the search lights on the bus know they're fitted into the ceiling, but why are they searching? I don't know. They've got search lights on the bus. Also, they're so bright. Is this not half the engine power?

Yeah, and they're so blue as well. The lights are so blue that you go, it doesn't make me retain the sleepy. I know what you're trying to do is make me retain the sleepy so I can easily go back to sleep again. I don't see bright blue lights as I'm basically asleep Off I go again. It's like I'm in a giant horrible pissy tanning bed Yeah But you gotta say I got off Milton Keynes so brown. Those are miserable. Worst one I ever had was coming back from like an unpaid open spot in Blackpool in which I tried to go along to a promoter had said I can put you on for 10 minutes in Blackpool for 15 pounds. This is like 10 years ago. But back

in the day we just do any gig. You do any gig. I know. We sacrificed our whole lives. I lost so much of my 20s to this. And so the day I spent was inexplicably at a theme park, which we'll move on to in a little while, as promised. But I spent most of the day at a theme park at the Blackpool Pleasure Beach, and then I went to do the gig, and the promoter, the second I went on stage, left to have a cigarette and missed my entire set. And when he came back, I went, yeah, I didn't think you did that well. And I was like, you didn't watch it, but that's okay. That's fine. I'm just gonna be very polite.

Then anyway, I was traveling in the Megabus overnight because I was coming back for like a news reading shift at Classic FM or wherever. And I fell asleep and I woke up and I could hear the sound of the bus doors about to close. And I was like, oh my God, we've arrived in London. Holy shit, I'm gonna miss a stop and it's gonna carry on to Brighton or whatever.

So I went, stop, stop, stop. And I woke up and I rushed off the bus and it was Luton Airport. And I watched the bus just travel away. No. And so I had to pull out of that shift and so I made no money. And so like for my week's income was that like 15 pounds from that Blackpool gig. Jesus Christ. Which I don't think I ever got paid.

Yeah, not from that guy. Not from that fucking guy. This is the thing that people don't understand. It's so embarrassing to look back on. Because it's also the time in your life where you're the most telling people you're a comedian. Because you've had a taste of it. So you go, it feels so cool to tell people,

that's like my full time thing. But you can't legally say it's your full time job. This is the shit that's happening in the background during the period when people are most asking you, how's the comedy going then? And you remember the bus and the guy's cigarette and the lies. And you just go, yeah, yeah, yeah, good. Yeah, it's all fine.

Yeah, yeah, but you're having those sort of Vietnam flashbacks. Yeah, I did. The way I sum up the early days is I said it to Johnny Leonard, friend of the podcast, friend of us. I did a 12-hour megabus round trip to Cardiff where a guy dressed as Wario called me a cunt. You know?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I did some of my best material to the back of a man eating lasagna. Yeah, there's a lot of performing at the backs of people's heads. Where you go, one of the nicest things is when... People's heads while they're chewing. It's this horrible like muscle, jaw, neck thing happening. When you start doing your own tours and you go, they're all facing the front.

The seats are all facing the right way. Whereas so many times you go on and you go, oh half of you are facing the wrong direction. So I look like I'm on The Voice. And if the jokes are good enough, you know, but Tim Vine turns his chair around. The lasagna eating man spins around and with a mouthful of cheese says, I'm in or whatever the fuck. Oh, it's miserable. It's so comically miserable. But I remember, the two earliest instances,

I should have just quit on the spot really, when I made the move to London in 2013 to just give this a go and then I went to visit some friends back in Sheffield where I'd moved from maybe four months later and I went back to my old radio station where I used to work because they'd sort of given me such a triumphant send-off of good luck we hope you make it we hope you get to work in comedy. Yeah. And I came back four months later. Our dear boy is going to London. Oh, by Christmas they said. And I came back and one of the- Bring us a sausage from Berlin, won't you, boy?

One of the girls in marketing said, oh, it's such a shame it didn't work out. And it was like, no, I'm visiting. But we'll take the idea of after four months, she'd gone, what a failure. We were checking Michael McAddy's comedy roadshow every night and you just weren't there! And your solution to the failure would be to just physically walk back into the building.

Go back and go, I hope I've got my job back. Like you'd forgotten you'd ever left. Yeah. But I think one of my, and the second reason is the reason I think I'm so terrified of reviews. And I've been very, I've been very lucky with reviews, I think, up until now. But I'm scared of reviews because I think there's a chance, especially if it's a broadsheet, more people will read that broadsheet review than will ever see your show. So more people will be informed

of someone else's decision rather than what you can put forward. And I remember being in the final of So You Think You're Funny, that sort of new act competition, that back in the day, like Lee Mack and Peter K. One, and when you look at it on Wikipedia, just every single finalist has got a blue hyperlink up until 2010. It's crazy every single year. And I was so grateful to be in the final of it in 2012.

And so a local newspaper in Sheffield did an article on me going up to do the final. And I was so flattered and grateful and so excited about it. And then I was in the final, the gig went okay, but I was an unplaced finalist. But I was like, that doesn't matter. Blue hyperlink time. This is going to be okay. And then the Sheffield newspaper a few weeks later ran with budding Sheffield comedians stand up dreams in tatters after competition ends in humiliation.

No, no, no, no. It said dreams in tatters and humiliation in the headlines. Dreams in tatters? Dreams in tatters after competition ends in humiliation. And I was like, that is the most, I think a sentence has affected me in my life. Like that was Ernest Hemingway in like 15 words. Do you know what I mean? It was like.

You in the final. But that was like, just humiliating. I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, Oh, comedy.tumblr is coming to... Yeah, fuck. So you got treated by some local press... I think my fourth ever gig, yeah. Fourth ever gig. You got treated like...

The England team. Yes! Just, they got to the final. More questions than answers once again. Yeah. Should Glenn be replaced? Yeah, yeah. His own career.

And people say he's gonna do his debut next year. Don't make me laugh. Just yeah, can he do it at national level? Yeah. Just, yeah, that was really awful. That's horrible. Yeah, but that's, I mean, like, we were talking the other week about stress dreams and Edinburgh-related stress.

Yes. I had a dream the other night where I was four days late for the Edinburgh fringe because I was driving up to the fringe and a friend of mine. Four days later. Well, I was driving up to the fringe and a friend of mine said, are you driving up? And I said, yeah. They said, Oh, I need my car taken to Edinburgh. Can you drive mine up as well? And I tried to drive both cars. Simultaneous half the dream was I would drive my car a hundred yards down the road, get out, walk to the other car, and drive that 100 yards further. I was four days late for the dream. As opposed to just driving your friend's car to the fridge.

Right, exactly. Mine needed to be there for some reason. And then I arrived like a few days late, and they were like, I'm really sorry, but you're not eligible for any reviews, or no one's interested in reviewing, no one's gonna come to the show. It basically don't happen anymore.

Yeah, and then at the end of the fringe there was maybe I'd had two reviews from a publication called so good they reviewed it twice and the idea was it was a guy who reviews every show twice but under two different names so you can put both reviews on your poster and he gives every show five stars because he just loves comedy that much right gives every show five stars And at the end of the fringe I realized he'd give me a three and a two. And I said to my PR person, I said, why is he giving me a three and a two? And she said, because he couldn't make your show. So he couldn't exactly give it a five, could he?

Still your fault. You mean anyway, but I woke up like sweating. But I guess my ultimate conclusion about that dream is what was it about? What did that tree I wonder what that dream I didn't mean if you really I would love to see Footage of you taking it to a therapist as if you didn't know having not established a working comedy But then it would be too interesting say I'm a comedian here's my dream.. Yeah, and then just sort of like writing down, molested as a kid. But just look at them in the face and go, what does it mean? What does it mean? What's it about?

I hate having such obvious dreams because it means I have no imagination. It's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. It's humiliating. I had this when, because again, because of working in early morning radio, and then doing gigs in the evening means I often have to sort of sleep for a couple of hours during the day. So it's maximum dream time. But we've spoken about it during this before.

I get so humiliated when I have a nightmare during the day. Because it's so much more embarrassing, because you go, everyone else is at work. The sun is up. Everyone else is doing useless stuff. And I was so worried about a scarecrow for like half an hour. I was in my pants and going, yeah like having someone having a dream on TV. No.

I had the, yeah when they say the word no. They say the word no. And during that, someone was doing surgery on someone else. Someone was running the country. Someone was investigating a murder. Yeah. Stammer was doing something. Yeah, it's so embarrassing.

I found out on SleepCycle as well that my sleep talking voice is just my voice, which of all the voices to have is such a funny sleep voice to have, I think. Because most people's sleep voice is usually sort of like, just need to go to the supermarket, whatever. Yeah. think because most people's sleep voices usually sort of like just supermarket whatever yeah mine is mine's basically a theory about the propagation of light is like it's like your full waking voice it's a way it's playground voice it's just it's full volume trying to sound like intelligent about something it's like trying to sound yeah it's really embarrassing to listen about. So your sleep talking is... But then there'll be a fart underneath it the whole time. So it'll be like, and then over that you'll be saying, many people

speculate. Yeah, yeah. And then it'll just trail off, because there's no, there's off because there's no idea behind it. Apparently a lot of the dreams you remember were in the like hour before you wake up or half an hour. Yes because apparently dreams are only like 20 seconds and they're all still images and when people say for instance Kirstama I don't dream it's like that's not that it like medically isn't true. It's such a funny thing as a politician to say I don't dream Yeah, the idea is well, but that but you think that's what people would look for in a in a leader I thought he's looked at Martin Luther King and gone. What's he doing?

What are you doing Martin? Don't talk about your dream. Yeah, there's a boring thing in the world Hey hearing about other people's dreams. I want to hear about the theme park. So I went to a theme park I'm into a theme park. We've got it. We've got a crack open the can. Let's crack open a couple of cans. I've nearly finished this bottle of Heineken. Listeners, I've got Glenn and I some obscure Polish lagers. I would really like the podcast to be sponsored by some kind of quite sinister seeming Polish lager. Late night off-license cans. We go, I don't think Sainsbury's do these. Yeah, I don't think I can get poof-losh from Sainsbury's. Look at that. Here we go. Great song.

Mm. What are these? Warka. Privilege of delivery for Prince's Court, 5.2%. I love that even the caption is in a Polish accent. Privilege of delivery for Prince's Court. Yeah. OK.

So directly translated. Yeah. So I was at a theme park today. The theme park has been stuck in my head ever since I put the tickets a couple of weeks ago. Yeah. Because for some reason when I put the tickets I've had stuck in my head to the tune of Killing Me Softly, Chessington

World of Adventures. And that was spun off purely because I bought tickets for Chessington World of Adventures and today I went to Chessington World of Adventures. I've come back to Chestnut Pond of Adventures. I've come back here on my way home. I had a brilliant time. I had a good time. This is how much Bud Pod means to us listeners.

Even post-Theme Park, we will make sure you get your slice of Bud Pod. Yeah. I mean, the last time anyone else went to a Theme Park, they fell asleep in the coach on the way home. Not me. I've gone to work. You've gone to a theme park they fell asleep in the coach on the way home. Yeah. Not me, I've gone to work. You've gone to work. Evening at the coalface.

The last couple of theme parks I've gone to I've been on my own. To explain, the Blackpool gig, I went to Blackpool Pleasure Beach on my own because I had nothing else to do in Blackpool. I went to Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Sinister? No, it was absolutely fine actually. It's a really wonderful theme park. But weirdly I bumped into Tim Vine who who I'd only met once before.

That was an open spot. This was 2015, so I was very, very new. But I bumped into him with his tour manager, and I knew his tour manager. And we went on the big one together. And we had a great time, and the big one got stuck. And so me and Tim Vine had a conversation just at the top of a roller coaster for an hour,

while we waited to be rescued. And I had a really good time. I was like, I had no issue. That's more useful for your career than the thing. Going to a theme park on my own. And then last September, Katie was in Paris working on Last Leg, because she's a writer on the Last Leg.

And they were doing a Paralympics were being held there. And they were doing their shows from there. So I went out to visit her for a few days. And I'd made plans with a friend who lives in France to go to Disneyland Paris as a fun thing to do for the day. He dropped out. I'd already bought my ticket and I just went to Disneyland Paris. That was harder because it's so child focused that you look sinister when you go around.

Yeah, you've got some very funny photos on your Instagram. Yeah, and they are staged photos in which I asked random strangers, can you just have a photo of me looking miserable under Buzz Lightyear's dick? But they do still represent the true... They do represent how it felt. The thing is, when you're on your own, you can speed run a thing. You can do any percentage speed run of a theme park. You can just go, you look at the queue lengths and you go, I'm going to do this one, this one, this one.

I stop when I want, not when someone else wants. And you just go through. What I've learned from that is single rider is a folly. Single rider is not a valuable concept whatsoever. Single rider does not work. People queue up in single rider. If you don't know what single rider is, the idea is you might get onto a roller coaster faster

because you were queuing up individually. And if a roller coaster has like one individual solitary seat, they will fit you on there. However, when a roller coaster comes up and there's a few seats empty, they go, how many twos? How many fours? How many threes? And if there's another three,

they might ask for another three. It's always an even number. Fuck, even number. People went past me maybe three times in a single rider queue who were going in the regular queue and it was like that's so much quicker. Never go in single rider. It never works out. Were you a theme park person growing up? Because I grew up on the Isle of Man and like we just wasn't anything like that really. Were you jealous of the other aisle, the Isle of Wight, for having black gang shine? Yes exactly, yeah. When the TT races were on, a travelling fair would come and set up the jankiest fucking rides you've ever seen in your life with like the kind of spray art Elvis's on the side.

Oh yeah, the ice cream van disney characters yeah yeah yeah yeah there's uh anytime i've been to um uh anytime i've walked through uh winter wonderland in hide park they've got this one roller coaster that's got a bunch of like bavarian cartoon mice yeah like poking out the windows yeah one of the little hats one of the mice has got and i'll post this on i'll post this on the patreon maybe one of the mice has got, and I'll post this on the Patreon maybe, one of the Cartoon Mice has got absolutely massive tits. And it's so untoward. That's so German.

Because she's like peering out the window and the boobs are like hanging over the window. It's so surreal. Mouse tits. It's so weird to say the sentence, have you seen the tits on that mouse? And it's so weird to say the sentence, have you seen the tits on that mouse? There'll be a ride that's just called Whirly Bird. And then the aunt will be Elvis, an alien, Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's a 13 year old's bedroom in the 80s. They've taken all his posters.

Take me to your dealer, Bob Marley. Yes. Bob Marley's on the roller coaster. So the roller coaster's about weed? And they go, no, no, no. It's Whirly Bird. And you go, no, I know, I know. But that's how Legoland and Disney have just

got that sussed because they go, we've got our IP and we can make every right about that. What Chessington have done based on today's experience is they've gone full Julia Donaldson. What used to be Professor Burp's bubble works, which I remember going on as a kid, is now a Gruffalo ride and it's a lot more gentle. There's loads, there's like room on the broom and all these Julia Donaldson, but that makes it better because I've never really understood and I've kind of enjoyed in the past non-brand theme parks, I thought park, I guess, must suffer from this. Roller coasters that try to have a storyline.

And it's always so bizarre. Oblivion in Orton Towers has a storyline. And there's a Ghana TV screen over and over again going, I mean like, there is no escape. You're all doomed. And you go, just don't let us on then. Who are you? Yeah, but don't let us on. If it's that bad, don't let us on.

So doomed for what? And then at the end they go, ah, you survived this time. I don't know if I did. And so there were some of the rides today that were a bit like that, where they go sort of like, you've got to help us get the emeralds. And then at the end of the roller coaster, they go, we did it. We got the emeralds. And you want to be like, I was largely incarcerated for most of the experience.

Like, please don't thank us. So kind of you. I was literally forbidden from putting my hands outside the ride. I was Hannibal Lecter being wheeled in with the muck. I really didn't thank you. That's so kind of you. I was literally forbidden from putting my hands outside the ride. I was Hannibal Lecter being wheeled in with the mug. I really didn't do much. That's so nice of you to say, but don't give me the credit for this. I couldn't have grabbed an emerald if I wanted to. I'm so glad those rides were about positive things you've achieved though, as opposed to it being sort of like, congratulations, you did it.

You abducted the president's wife. And you're like, did I do that? I don't think I did. No, but the riot, was that what the riot was about? You did it. I mean, it's like, they're saying it really loudly. This guy did it. He did it. Have your photo. We've got the photo.

I didn't, I didn't. You've defrauded the orphanage. I really, did I? All the money's gone. The riot was spinning around. We went up site with two inversions. Was it during both of the loop's gone. I was on a right-wing spinning rat. We went up site with two inversions. Was it during both of the loops that I defunded an orphanage? All these mannequins of children going, ehh. It's a sad world.

It wasn't me. It reminds me of the worst was, not a theme park a water water parks having storylines is really funny to me Where they're like sort of like catch the crystals and you go I'm plummeting down a slide So I'm not the person you want to hire in shorts The the last time I was at a water park and we've spoken about this incident before Personally was the Peter incident I was I was at wild waddy water part when I was 15 and I was at Wild Wadi Waterpark when I was 15 and I was in a bathroom and again, I feel so bad

that such an intense effort has been made to deterrify this podcast. And I did the Thames water thing on literally my second episode. Recolonizing. We got a few messages from people saying, I welcome it. Yeah, but recolonization,

especially now that the podcast is too white. I'm like, this isn't a good thing. I was in the bathroom at Wild Waddy Waterpark, which by the way, well done me. I went for a piss in the bathroom of a waterpark. Well done me. And I don't think that gets enough respect. I went for a piss in the bathroom.

I was in the water and I got out to use the bathroom. If you go for a piss in a water park. Everyone seems to be going for a shit. Well, a wall should turn around and it should be Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka. Yeah. It's going, my boy, my beautiful boy, you've done it. You did it.

You did it. You now own the water park. You're a nine year old with a job forever. You've owned the water park. Yeah. Isn't that your dream to deal with the finances and logistics of the water park forever? All these slaves are yours.

Whenever someone gets injured on the water slide, that's your jurisdiction. Can you go on the water slide? Not really. It looks bad when the CEO... Have you ever seen Richard Branson having fun? No. You'll be liable. That's you now. No, you'll be liable. You now So I'm in the I'm in the bathroom of Wild Waddy Water Park yeah, and there's a one cubicle and the door is closed and presumably locked and Woman marches in in like an 80s business suit. I'm talking like shoulder pads big perm She looked so 80s that she looked early 90s

You know how like the beginning of a new decade is the most the previous decade you can ever look? 2001 is the most 90s suits anyone has ever looked. So she was so 80s, she looked like she was in the mask. Do you know what I mean? She looked like she was like 1993. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, exactly. And she marched in in a business. Maybe she worked there, but she marched in and she just marched into a gent's toilet and she hammered on the door of his cubicle. And she went, because there were lots of Australians there because it's halfway, but you know, she goes, Peter, Peter, have you made your dirt? And I fucking died. Dirt. It's all to me. Like to this day, I still think in my head I must have made

that up I must it was so her voice was switching between like four octaves at a time it was like it was like a cat on a piano either ends of a piano remember you're saying to me that she was a real lady who sounded like a fake Monty Python lady yes I've never had a human so husky and like shrill simultaneously. Have you made your dirt? Have you made? Made is awful. Dirt is awful. Because dirt is, I know it's something you'd say for like maybe a dog or a cat. But I think of dirt as like rubble that you clean up with a dustpan and brush. Bits of stone, but dust. Yeah, I think of dirt as like, yeah, dry soil, clay. It's so terrible.

It's really terrible. Growing up, I heard British people saying dog dirt, and I thought that was really gross because I was sort of like, it's almost denying that it comes biologically from the dog. But certain- As if like, oh no, no, no, when you digest food, it becomes the earth. But certain... As if like, oh no no no, when you digest food it becomes the earth.

Dirt. I think there are certain excretions maybe people can have where you'd go, that's dirt. Do you know? Not that that's like a new radio feature or something. That's dirt. That's dirt. But sometimes like, sometimes the wretch for instance, being three and a half years old, will do a certain, like, will do a fart

where you go, that's manure. If it doesn't smell of shit, it smells of manure. Or once you go, that smells of dung. It's not, like, you just got, I don't associate it with a human. It's a green. I associate that with a smell you get in your car on the motorway and you go,

I don't know whether to wind the windows down or put them more up. It's either from really inside the car or really outside the car. I think that's right. And I really not decolonize thought I've had is, I'm sorry to do this. Look, we're in it. Like this is this is the tins episode. And it was like, I think we've had a good run so far. I think we've done three episodes I'm really proud of. I've been nervous going into each one

about hoping they're gonna be okay. And for some reason I've thrown caution to the wind because I've been up by this point for 18 hours. And we're a couple of tens in and I'm like, I know this is more low energy from even normal, but we're just talking, we're talking turds baby. This is a standard routine I've always wanted to do and I know it wouldn't work I'm not foolish enough to try it because it's too pooey and it's too stupid

mmm but I want to go and say look there's a lot I know this is the kind of thing you're not supposed to say I know this is the kind of thing that we all know is true but you're not allowed to come out and say it for some reason Some farts smell like farts Some farts smell like shit and some farts smell like diarrhea And we all know it's true and you all know exactly But you just can't say it The man won't let you

I think I'm right about this, Mel thing I think I'm right about it, Glenn Yeah, no, you are. There are three kinds At least But we know of Take this Pokedex I need you a wild hungover farters appeared I don't have to deal with it's a gas one no physical attacks were the

only attack that works is 12 hours of sleep and a salad. Awful. Have you ever done one that's smelt? I, there's another- We've really gotten full in on this. I know, I know. It's a one-off. I think once you're in, you're in. And it's a one-off.

We won't do this all the time. It's the tins that- I know. It was the tin that made me sin. Another thing I said a few times on stage that kind of worked, but too many people pulled a horrible face when I said it, was have you ever had hangover farts so bad you've considered putting a Glade plug in up your ass?

No, because it would mix with the bad smell. You know what I mean? You go, it smells awful. You've got a great joke about that in your new show. Yeah, yeah. When you go, when you spray air freshener, you go, now you've made Alpine Forest smell bad. You should go, it smells like someone's covered a tree and shit.

It doesn't smell different. You haven't changed it. So my attitude is always- The base note is the same. Air freshener should smell of a slightly less bad smell than what the smell is covering. So it should smell of like a kitchen drain. That's what air freshener should smell like.

Oh no, no one's done a huge shit in here. It's kitchen drain. Yeah, and you go, oh, something's wrong with your drains. It must mean the neighbors have done something awful as opposed to you. You can blame it on the neighbors. Yeah, that's good. And passing the buck. It's on the neighbors. Yeah, that's good. And passing the buck.

It's passing the buck. Mail, letter, post, message, Gmail, notes, text, dispatches, Hello? SMS, and randomness. Correspondence. Well, so onto correspondence is the point. The public. The public.

The public, Glenn. Well, not the public. Our point. The public. The public. The public, Glenn. Well, not the public. Our listeners, who are above the public. Yes. I think we use public brackets derogatory. Public in a pejorative way. And when we say listeners, we mean really clued in great stuff. People covered in gold braid.

Wade down by it. Hello, boys. I'm very much enjoying season two. Hey, nice, thank you. Sorry, I shouldn't have sounded so surprised and enthusiastic. Yes, I know. Your recent talk of Facebook reminded me of a screenshot that's been on my phone for some time now.

It's not quite nostalgia slop per se, but it's certainly- Don't fucking get in touch. a slop per se, but it's certainly- Finn, don't fucking get in touch. It might not have been a bad attitude, if just, Finn, why have you sent this in? Right, another bad email. Yeah, OK. It's not quite a nostalgia slop per se,

but it's certainly adjacent and quite possibly veers into old fuck opinions. The original post was about Costa selling half sandwiches, just one triangle, which is mental. Absolutely. It's mental. Like selling someone a single chunk of beef. Well, it's as sad as like when co-op have just just two eggs, peeled eggs in a pot and you go for lunch, for my lunch, for me a human,

but I'm not cattle by the way, me a human as my lunch. It's not as a joke. It's a protein pot. Yeah, protein pot is so like, I don't like the use of words like protein or carbohydrate in like a positive enthusiastic way. And I usually find this weirdly only in Thai cuisine where sometimes you get like a pad Thai

and they go and pick your protein. And you go, we're not at the doctors. It's quite Star Trek. It's so Star Trek. And how many milliliters of the substance do you need? Yeah, I just want like a bit of chicken on it maybe. But the peanuts, how much of a protein do you need from the... And the fibre, how much will you be excreting later in terms of cups?

How many cups of excrement? If we see a cup as a Kit Kat shaped mug you'd get with an Easter egg, how many of those will be excreting from your body later? I just wanted a bad time. How many units of legumes? The original post was about Costa selling half-sandwiches, just one triangle, and the comment section was a helpful reminder of why the Tories keep winning election after election. I'll let you dissect the comments yourselves.

Kind Cogees, Tom. So. Oh, I see. Yes. Just the one triangle of sandwich. Do you see? Is it cheaper? I mean.

It's more expensive. Okay. So, nah, get in the cost to having a lot of this no punctuation. Yeah of course. I'm gonna read this as it's written. Yeah yeah. Nah get in the bin cost to having a laugh at this one £2.50 for one slice of bread emoji of woman with hand over face. Add punctuation, comments fine. Yeah. Comments absolutely fine. I just don't think they've got the same keyboard as me. They've got the same keyboard as me.

They've got a keyboard. They've got the letters. They've got a keyboard that's in two halves. Yeah, I think they've got like Stephen Hawking's keyboard where they go, they've got preset sentences, bits of sentences. Joke, nabby pamby country, slap on the wrist. Yeah, having it released. Don't you do half the time in prison? Having a laugh.

Yeah, it's all those and they put them in. And they pack them with a laugh. Yeah, it's all those and they put them in. And they pack them with their face. That's the comment that gets left on Facebook. Like a chicken. So yes, the podcast today is sponsored by Varka Classic. Privilege of delivery for princes court. With the slogan, they don't know. They don't know they're sponsoring us. But if they did sponsor us, it would be so, wouldn't it be nice if just for once on a podcast the sponsor was truly like, if we can, if we can seed this idea early on, if we did get sponsored by them in six months time, uh, isn't it nice that we go and, and

do you have proof, audio proof that we like them. Yeah. Whereas like in podcasts in the past, I've never been able to say I was genuinely wearing me undies for two years before I got asked to advertise. I never imagined that Mark Maron is like on a Lisa mattress. You know? Yeah. Whereas yeah, if we were sponsored by Gleeshnack,

the Cilician pint of choice. Speaking of Lisa mattress, Marge is dead. Did you see that in the news? What are you talking about? Oh, man. This is going to make me sound insane. Sorry. What are you talking about?

Marge is dead? Right. I'm aware as well that we're recording this on a Friday night, so several days before the podcast is going out. Yeah. But the big news of the week, among other stuff internationally

and seriously involving human lives, is that a new episode of The Simpsons, which obviously we don't engage with, is that Marge is dead. And I'm not making this up and they're flashing forward to the future and the home is in a home and then Marge is dead. You know how everyone loves to see what the Simpsons look like in the future? Everyone loves to see Bart as an adult, don't they?

And Marge with like one bag under her eyes. Everyone loves that. They've had an extra line. It's awful, but apparently Marge is dead canonically in the future. They're all dead in the future. Yeah, but as in while the others, I guess she's the first to go, which is, it sounds sad, but when you go, well, this is not for you, Maggie. Do you know what I mean? If I go, Maggie dies first, uh, about the age of like nine or so, Maggie goes pretty, pretty horribly actually. Or they go, or worse ago. It was just a time to go nine years old. it was a time to go. What's that? What's that Morrissey song? Marge was the first of the gang.

The first of the simps to die. Oh my. I've ever shown you a character of a guy who's a big fan of the Simpsons but only knows them from hentai. It's like a work colleague and you're like, do you like the Simpsons? He's like, oh my god, yes, I love it when the blue lady with the big dick blows us up. And this guy's still finding it funny. He thinks this is... He's like, this is that cartoon I heard people like. Yeah! We have to click on the individual images and then the police come over sometimes? laughter What is this guy's view of society? He's never had the TV on at 6pm He's never had the TV on at 6pm

But when he when he hears that the Simpsons are like kids favorite cartoon does he think what kind of fucking country Homer was times past of the year. He goes did you hear about his fucking wife? What are you talking about? Why the kids watch this? She's an incestuous pedophile The stuff that people put on the internet of The Simpsons drawings ever since we were teenagers like DeviantArt and all that stuff is fucking outrageous.

I cannot believe none of it got sued into oblivion. So all right these are the comments. Terrible terrible comments. We've come quite some way. So sorry Tom we got distracted These are the comments so the original comment original post now get in the bin costa having a laugh at this one 2.54 Emoji of woman with hand on face

But they know they know the emojis Yes, they've got emojis on their boards What a piss take we used to treat ourselves comma on our way down to Cornwall with a cast of coffee. Okay, right. You don't know what treating is. Also, if you're already on your way down to Cornwall with a cast of coffee, but you're saying you're treating yourselves with one, like the grammar of it is all over the place. Yeah, and also, I feel like sometimes, do you ever feel sad sometimes when you go to a service

station and there's all the options and there's always sort of like, there's some like, there'll be like a McDonald's, KFC, well McDonald's is quite rare, but mostly it's sort of KFC, Burger King, W.A. Smith's, Costa Starbucks, and then occasionally you get like two like wok based outlets, and then maybe one like Indian street food based outlet if you want burrito base if you want egg noodles in red syrup. Yeah Well, do we have the outlet for you every time I order from them I go what have I done like I don't I don't Like the fact that you described the large portions as x large fat. That's childish I don't like I why do I keep getting stuff from you? But then occasionally lucky you get like a pizza express or a Wetherspoons.

I don't know why you'd ever have the time to go there or Nanos. But then sometimes you just see like what looks like a British home stores cafe. Do you know what I mean? They sort of go, the sour milk cafe where you can have a slice of bread, a bit of corn beef. And if you're lucky, I'll spit orange juice directly into your mouth. And you go, who's that for?

And occasionally you see an old couple walk in and they'll see that there's one of those and they'll go, oh, for fuck's sake, all right, well, guess we go in there then. Because they can't bring themselves to enjoy their lives. Yeah, kind of peri-peri. They have a tray of school dinner. On the menu, it just says school dinner and they get given

You know what it is. Yeah, Shepard's pie. I mean, there's a microwave next to it. So heat it up and Those ones I feel really sorry for you that you just gravitate towards that decision Just thought this is what we're doing. Yeah, not any cheaper cheaper. So those people, those people right there, they were like, damn it, I've got to get my lasagne in Venetian microwave. Yeah. So they're saying, what a pizdeck. Not anymore too expensive. We now take our own sarnies and coffee.

That's always better than Costa. More comments? So this guy, Alan, who's saying it was a treat, and I know this is a boomer because they were taught, because they were taught how to type with a typewriter, you have to put a space before you put a full stop or a comma. Yes. Or it will look like it's part of the letter.

Because there's lots of ellipses with boomers. They love it. And to them, it doesn't mean trailing off in suspense. It just means pause. So this shit is fucking littered with it. I'm going to read it as it's punctuated for our generation. At Alan, it was never a treat, double comma, because it's shit, double comma.

With them so far. Sooner they go bust, the better. Bravo on your homemade. Four exclamation marks after two commas. The satisfaction is overwhelming. Oh man angry. Together angry about a shop that you'll never go to again. And says this will annoy you. Never been in a cost or a Starbucks. Don't see the point in walking about town with a paper cup in your hand. So she's one of those people who answers a poll with don't know. What are you bringing? She's a member of the don't know generation. Anytime you make a joke about a film online,

you can make a joke about The Short Shorts Redemption. Someone will go, never bloody see it. Yeah. Okay. Don't know. Yeah. Don't like it. Thank you for making me reading you. Don't see the point in walking about town with a paper cup. The point is that there's coffee in it, Anne. Yeah. Does she think it's empty? People are just licking it. Yeah. I went in Starbucks 15 years ago. Very funny to know the number of years. Obviously something happened. So we're talking 2010. Gangnam Style had just come out. It was blaring. I went in Starbucks 15 years ago.

I was in York with my kids first and last time. Never been in the other shithole. Never will. And never going to enter the other shithole ever again either. Hope they go bust ASAP. This is a guy who's so angry at Costa and Starbucks and he remembers 15 years ago he went in with his children.

People talk like that about cinemas that were showing porn instead of films that put me fucking kids in here. It's a Starbucks. You come into my kitchen after seeing a cappuccino. It's ludicrous the amount they charge. You could buy a jar of coffee for the price of one. Yeah. And yeah, don't Google how much pasta costs versus an Italian restaurant. You're fucking you die. You die.

I used to find it so funny when there was an advert on the radio years ago where it was McDonald's employees talking about their fondest memories working at McDonald's. What? And in the advert they were going, what? There was a guy who got locked out of his flat and so he came in with the dressing gown and he had to wait for four hours for a locksmith and so he dressed him in like McDonald's employees outfit because we had like spare shirt and trousers and stuff like that. And it was like a fun Tweet advert, but also you're listening to it being like,

I don't think I see most memorable. I don't think that's the thing you most think about about working at McDonald's. I think it's the time a guy just walked in and started wanking face down on the floor. That's probably the thing you think about most. How about something I've seen, which is someone walking up in the middle of like the night,

like 2 a.m, leaving the queue, the big queue for the McDonald's. The bouncer's just like, you know how in those video games where the line of sight of guards is only limited? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy just found the gap in the line of sight of the bouncer guards, left the queue. He threw a chaff grenade as well,

so the CCTV wasn't picking him up. Yeah, yeah, well he threw a rock and all the bouncers went, Hmm? And looked over. Imagination. Must be the wind. He walked over to the bathroom door by the counters, tried it, locked, obviously, just pissed on the door.

Just got his dick out and pissed on the door. I've seen a guy at a nightclub. And there's just like the expanding pool of piss over his feet. Yeah. Just while he's standing there rejoin the queue. But why not? Because in for a penny, in for a pound. Yeah. I was keying up for a uni bar once and I saw a guy ordering quad volds at the bar whilst holding a stick in his hands and pissing against the bar. Because the staff didn't know. The staff didn't know that was what was going on. And you go, yeah, okay, you killed two birds with one stone. I can't question that. I can't question what you've done.

Yeah, the most memorable thing in McDonald's should be someone vaulting the counter and having to be fought off with boiling oil. Yeah, two guys were shot dead in a suspected terror raid on the M1. And that's the advert. Another dream I had, when I dreamt that McDonald's changed their slogan to, it is what it is. But they weren't sad about it. They were like, da da da da da. It is what it is. Yeah. I think that would boost sales so much. What could you possibly complain about?

Well, this is the first time ever we've done an episode with a couple of cans. I've learned what I'm like. We've all learned what you're like. Thank you very much for listening, guys, to this late Friday night cans episode where Glenn is still reeling from the experience of Chessington World of Adventures. I read anything but you can get on about 10 rides and I think I had 10 rides worth of experiences. Fucking hell.

Eight of them were with the wretch so they were very gentle, gentle, gentle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, we're walking through this one. Professor Bump's hug explosion. Yeah, exactly. Well, Professor Burp's bubble works doesn't exist anymore, sadly. But you can watch the POV videos on YouTube. Is that one of the saddest things I ever do,

is watch POV videos of roller coasters I went on in the 90s? That is, yeah. Because I went to Disney World Florida when I was like nine years old. That's a level of nostalgia I can't possibly. No, but to go, oh, to see that ride from my perspective again, is that not nice?

No, you're OK. I think that's crazy. Sorry. We'll talk about it in the Patreon. Sorry to have memories. You should be. We'll talk about it in the Patreon. Thank you for listening, guys.

We'll see you next week. Bye bye. Koji.