BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E41 | Inspector Surprise

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

Youtube Version here!This week the buds discuss nu metal karaoke, Salad Fingers, Glenn’s earliest 'pheromone' moment and Pierre's new type of stand up.Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVPierre is on tour across the UK, Ireland and Netherlands!Including a headline show at the Leicester Square Theatre on May 28th! Tickets available now at https://www.pierrenovellie.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Part 41! What a sum. What a sum of episodes? Sum 41. Yeah. Wow. Hey, I didn't think about it like that. Genuinely.

Fuck off. No, genuinely. You didn't think about it as some 41? No. 41, 41 comma sub. I thought that's why you would do. No. Did you ever get a...

Why were they called that? I don't know. I used to get them in the offspring mixed up, even though they were wildly different groups. Absolutely, though. I mean, that era. What do we even call that? It was like... Post-punk kind of...

It's punk pop, basically. It was essentially American busted, wasn't it? Yeah, but it had more to it than that. There was more to it, and New Metal was kind of like the similar category. That was like Lincoln Park. It was more serious. Alison Spittle? Yeah. New Metal karaoke.

Yeah. At the fringe? Yes. I think I can't ask to do it. And I was like, I feel so self-conscious about singing. I can't bear the idea of it. Me and Ed Gamble did chop suey. That's sort of 3 a.m. Wake up! Yeah, great.

You wanted to. Was it just incomprehensible lyrics on the screen? It just went brackets. Yeah. You wanted to. Possession. Possession instrumental. Demon noises. Yeah. You wanted to.

I've ever seen my character of Rodney Dangerfield in the offspring. Let me tell you, I can't get no respect. Got a tattoo the other day. I asked for 13. They drew a 31. No, I can't get no respect. It's good.

That's a good impression. But all this stuff happens to that guy in Pretty Fly for a white guy. And my wife said, should, hey, honey, you're pretty fly. I said, really should, yeah, yeah, for a white guy. No, man. Oh, needlessly racialized comment. Why don't you have to make it about race? It was strange.

Glenn still got his Shenyan coffee. should say, and now I do too. Yes, you've got the disease. If you have a friend with a cough, what you should do is sit in a shed with them loads, then you can have their cough. That's a hot tip for you. Yeah. Jealous of your friends, cough?

Let them cough in your mouth. I think that's what I shouldn't have done. That's what did it. Ah, fuck, of course. I was like I was feeding a bird with cough. Yeah. God. Is that a good headline for like...

You're at the supermarket. Yeah. You buy the bit with all the magazines. Yeah. Where, as you explained to me, I believe, there are magazines that just tell you the plot of upcoming soap operas. Yes. Phil's death mystery. And then it will be like two East Enders characters hugging each other and giving a smoldering look to the camera. And they're next to a series of magazines that are apparently just Sudoku.

Yeah. And next to the picture of Zodoku will just be a picture of like Lily James smiling at the camera and you go, she's not in the Sudoku. She's not a solution. It's not a crossword. Yeah. She's the number? She's the number, 98. What?

She's the number 98. Oh, wow, yes, of course. But those magazines are like, take a break or, and they have all this, like, my husband faked his funeral and... I ate my own head. I ate my own. Like, one of them would be how to get your friends cough. Yeah, it's how to get your friends. Without eating a thing.

I'm now thinking of, like, head injury bingo calling of, like, Lily James 98. What? 75. Ham. Ham. Ham. And everyone's going, what is happening?

What is happening? Someone just pulls a fire alarm. We can't keep playing bingo. I'm pulling the fire alarm. Something's going really wrong up there. Two fat ladies. Ham! Sorry, which is that?

Is that 88 or 17? is hammer code? Is it like Mr. Sands? There's a fire in the cloakroom? If you were walking I love the London underground I mean, I get a Lans off and they're like, Would Inspector Sands make his way to the...

But if it's... Tano and else went, Ham! Did you hear that? Ham! And it's interrupting other announcements? Yeah. If you see something that doesn't look right,

see it? Ham Orte it So there's a real guy speaking over the robot I don't understand When the next train Terminates at Unksb

Ham Sorry is that spell H-A-M-N-B Ham B M-N-B But you go up to a member of staff And you say What is the ham?

The ham, there's hat And they go It's all under control It's all under control Don't worry A lot of people get nervous about the ham thing. It's not, it's fine.

We're looking into it. I don't understand where they're like, would Inspector Sands, please come to the sandwich room because they don't want to spook you. Then sometimes they just go, will the nearest British transport policeman

please come to platform for? Do you have a gun? Does anyone here have a gun? You go, well, no, hang on, you can't code for some things and not for that. Yeah. It was, this is a surprise birthday party? It was a good surprise.

It's the policeman's birthday, no. Inspector Surprise. You spoiled it now. Would Inspector birthday... Fuck. Ham. It's unclear why the Metropolitan Police has an Inspector Surprise who does all the surprise birthdays.

Or why we announce him on the tube. It sounds like one of those weird pastries. Because they'll be like caramel billionaire. Inspector Surprise. I was doing Just for laughs in Montreal. And my agent and I went for dinner. just before like the big sort of like gala showcase thing. And just before we did new faces.

And I've seen this on menu since, but the dessert was eclair of the moment. Such a vampire dinner. Or like a horrible compliment. Yes. Your wife really is the eclair of the moment. What do you mean? Thank you. We'll bite her at one end and goose butts out onto a man's chest.

Like in the beano. That sounded so much more gross that I was literally just visualising What happens when you buy I shouldn't want to Claire But put into human context That was absolutely vile That was absolutely vile Like you described biting someone as at one end

Which just his bum, isn't it? He just bit me at one end What? Which is bit you? A lead with that. Just say neck. Yeah, but it was at one end. Yeah.

Speaking of outbursts, I saw, I swear the other day. Yes. Okay to know watch it because it's on Netflix now. Yes, it's on Netflix. now and it's I'm told it's very good

and I'm told that it's a lot of people are watching on Netflix and going, oh, Tourette's. Yeah, you didn't tell me that. It's good. The film itself is actually quite incoherent. It's really, really well acted. The main guy in particular is absolutely fantastic. But the plot is kind of all over the place

as just like a strange sort of biopic in which bits they've sort of chosen to tell you. But because the nature of a biopic, what they always do at the end of a biopic, is they do an uplifting sort of bit at the end where the screen goes black and they go, and he still educates people to this day. And you go, hmm, it's not the end of

the story, though, is it? Because really the main part of the story of his life happened after the film came up. It's an awful addendum. Yeah, there's an extra bit. God. But apparently they're covering it in the sequel. I slur. I slur is I kind of swear? Yeah. I guess they must

be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it must be. Yeah, because, but I guess you never get people on, you never got people on Twitter being like dog mum, bit slurry tea drinker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bit slurry. Yeah, gin lover, very slurry. Very slurry. People who say swery. Because also if it just comes up as very slurry. Very slurry. Yeah. Wet poops. Awful. Yeah, people who say a bit swery,

it's obviously incredibly twee Because they mean saying things like Wank Puffin, which is always so... I know, I know, it's... Yeah, just come on. That is genius, good sir. You win the internet for today, Monsieur Le Bacon, a pooh-boo. It's so weird to me that, like, niche internet humour from when I was like 12 is now like the Elon Musk humor.

It's so weird to imagine like a Bond villain talking in memes. I could see Javier Bartum in Sky. mindful doing that. I really good. It would be good to have a Bond villain to be like really, really violent, really, really, can you has cheeseburger Bond? Like, really dated.

Can you really? Yeah. There's a, I think you'll find I'm about to release into the chamber, Mr. Bond. A badger, a badger, a badger. A mushroom. All your base have belonged to us, W. And then a snake.

Yeah, he's saying. Sorry, were you on Weebel stuff? Bond villain was on Weeble stuff. Blofeld was on Rathergood.com. Fucking hell, yeah. And then the guy got commissioned to make the Creshams advert, which is the milkshake you could get at KFC. Oh, I didn't know this.

That's him. That's Rather Good.com. The same guy. A friend of mine went to school with David Firth. Fuck off, really? Yeah. Who was Salad Fingers. Yeah.

So all this time, Salad Fingers was like a 16-year-old boy. Yes, yes, yes. When you go, of course he was. From how? It would have been Leeds, I believe. Leeds. Might have been Wakefield. Somewhere up.

Yeah, I think it was Wakefield. And that's where he came up with like, Devo. Devo, yeah. No, you're dickhead. St. Toast Boy. Oh. Burned Face Man. Bound Face Man.

Loads of his stuff. Burned Face Man. Do you remember his catchphrase? Was it shut up crying? No, that's, um, I'm thinking of, uh, there's a, uh, a, uh, uh, a, uh, uh, a, uh, a Rain Wilson was in a superhero, like a semi-superheroo film with Elliot Page and his catchphrase was shut up crime and he hit people with like a spanner or something.

And it was like, Mark, Face Man's thing. Crime you shit. Crime is a shit that needs wiping up. Yeah. Again, you go, a 16-year-old boy, of course. So funny. I was obsessed with Silent Fingers. I loved all that flash animation stuff.

I loved it. Weirdly, I did find myself the other day saying, From Cruxley Heath to Caldenby. To Cowdenbeath. It's so wretched. From that wretched war. Oh. Horrible.

Really, really gross. Everyone who I showed it to was, like, haunted by it. The Toast Boy one was... Spoilsbury Toast Boy. That was really distressing. Like, really, really actively unpleasant because the mind of a 14-year-old boy is a terrible place.

We've all seen adolescents. But it's like a dreadful place. place to be. Yes. I think it spans such a long time that he was an adult making money from it from the shop and stuff. Oh yeah, surely. Did you watch Homestar Runner? No. No, it was

American. And what was that? An internet thing? Like a website with flash cartoons and long-running characters, but not creepy, like funny. Yeah. Quite surreal. Strong bad? Strong bad emails? Is that ringing a bell? No. The internet back then was geographical. Yeah. You and me were on the

British internet. Yes, we had different, there were different corners. But it's strange, because you think, in theory, there's no borders. Yeah, I never really had access to like the American web comics. Pound Perry Bible Fellowship, which is the hardest I'd ever laughed at that point. But 13 years old, and I was in a barbershop and they just had magazines and it was only like, there was only FHM. Yeah.

And I think it was FHM did like an interview with him. Really? And they had a few of his comics, and one of them was a kid being like, I'd sell my soul to have a puppy, And when he gets a puppy, and the final frame is of him, in, like, this Hieronymus Bosch painting of hell. It was stuff like that. It was so... I was like...

And I was the worst haircut I ever received because my shoulders and head were shaking. So, the whole thing. Because I was the giggling boy. You came into school with, like... It's the exact hair. Tufts of hair missing. And then you had to say, oh, it's because I found a...

I was fighting something funny. I found a comic book I really like. That was a humiliating moment. That's why my hair looks like this. Going to score with the... bad haircut was humiliating, and I remember the other day, a really humiliating moment, again, where someone has shit your pants, where you go, there's nothing I could have done here. Me and this guy, Wesley, used to walk to school every day.

We'd walk to school every single day together. And one morning, this guy in, like, his 40s, which sort of man of sort of scratches on his face, came over to us and started talking to us about where we went to school. And we were like, oh, what do we fucking do? It's the man from the leaflets. Yes. And we told them which school. we went to and he went, I went there

and we were like, really? And he went, yeah, yeah, yeah. I fell off the roof there once. And we were like, okay, okay. And he reached into his bag and he gave us a really grimy torch. And he went, remember, you can shine light into darkness but you can't shine darkness into light.

And then he just gave us a pat on the shoulder and walked away and we threw the torch away immediately. Yeah. And we went to school like, what the fuck? And I asked one of the teachers, I was like, Is there a record of someone once... Was there a torch-loving boy here?

Was there one of a boy who fell off the roof? I asked him out as if he was like the abbot of Red Wall. Let me check the records. It's in 1982. The maister. I had to, yes. But archivist will know about this. Roof, roof, roof.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going through all these scrolls. So we just thought it was mad. Dunkel of Lothian fell off roof. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I went home. And it was before my dad got back home

And I told my mum about it I was like, maddest thing happened And my mum did not react to the story In the way I hoped my mom was going to go What a weird guy? But she was like, what? And she was like, what? And she went, I need to tell you school.

And I went, no, you don't, no, you don't. You don't need, I'm telling you, you don't need to tell the school. By the time that I go to school again, the story will have become In the minds of the pupils that the torch was in my bum. Yeah, it's, do you don't have to tell

to have to tell the school. I'm going to have to school. And then the next day, bear in mind, you're a teenager. This is like the time when you were most at risk of humiliation. How old are you? How old are you? No, come on. And the headmaster gives us assembly.

And he says, and we just want to also give a sort of warning that if you encounter anyone sort of strange, that it is best to sort of tell the police or let your parents know immediately because, you know, we are in a part of London. you know you might encounter some sort of odd types. One of the students here, Glenn Moore, was very frightened yesterday and told his mum even got in touch with us about a frightening experience he'd had. And I was like,

I think it's one of the most humiliating moments. Humiliating moments of my life. Not just my year. Not just my year. Years above and years below. A school of about a thousand students being told how frightened I was like that. By a man.

You're just watching your entire social life collapsed before your eyes. I was like, no, no, no. But you can't go, I wasn't frightened. I liked him. I thought he was interesting. I had some good theories. I went back to her and I was like,

you were so scared. And I was like, I was laughing. What do you mean? I wasn't frightened. He was so scared. It's not relevant. But also, I was like, their head teacher didn't need to have school. Your name.

Apparently frightened. One of our students, Glenmore, him there. Yes, yeah, yeah. That boy there, very frightened. Take his trousers off. Look how not erect he is right now. Quivering, he was. Look, look at him.

Look at him naked. I don't know if he wet himself. It's not relevant. It is unclear how much urine sprayed out of him. And he went and told his mummy. He would say, mum or mother? but the fact remains he went home and told

he ran home to mummy let's say it how it is he ran home to mummy he was very afraid did she spank him we don't know we don't know but it wasn't his fault let's all hope

she gave him a lovely kiss and made him feel better because he kisses on the lip is that lip are you nodding or shaking your head I can't really see I think it's nodding on the lips so it is

so it shall be on the lips so if any of you do see Roof Brian Please report him We'll let you all now line up in a row one by one As Glenn sits on a ducking stool And you can show him your respects one by one And tell him what you do think

How your perception of him has changed in the last five minutes And how his personality and reputation of changed irrepure Based on what Glenn said We believe the person who looked like this And they show him it's like an ice cream man Or like a vicar A boy smaller than me. No! No!

It's just McCulley Culkin from home alone. Yeah. Looking frightened. Yeah. I want to emphasize that's who Glenn was afraid of. Yes. He was terrified, apparently. And he ran home to his mummy.

He won't let go of that torch. And his mummy rang me and said, she would be very upset him. I didn't tell all of you now. It's such a surreal... When I was moments, you go, I hope I'd grab that. I know I didn't, because it's, like, seared into my memory.

But that was a nightmare. So funny. It's the only time I remember the head teacher ever addressing the school about an individual... You know, because usually you'd use like a pre-planned lecture almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the only time I ever heard him refer to, like, one individual boy, aside from the time, one of the boys died. That was the only other time that any specific boy was mentioned. A kid died, and Glenn was incredibly frightened.

We've decided. God. A slightly odd, but not that odd in London thing happened, and Glenn was afraid. So the pheromone was there. Oh, that was such a wild moment. I remember saying, too, my God. Why did you ring the skull?

What did you do? We thought the guy was funny. We thought it was just mad. Clearly, he just was mad. Yeah. Never saw him again. It wasn't like Roof Brian with his torch was like on every poster, like,

Sirius Black. going, yeah. We haven't even got technology to make the posters move and he's doing it. Yeah. That's our frightening is. Oh, my God.

That's really, that's really sad in. I got in trouble at an assembly once because we had a guy, yeah, I'll save it for the patron. Yeah. For the Patreon. Okay. Because I think they might be able to tell

from the story who this guy is. Save it for the... Save it for the... Save it for the bedroom. Also, it's a story from the Isle of Man, and you know what? It's not a big place. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, I can understand. and the anonymity, oh, or as me being like, Croydon. It could be anyone. Could be Trinian Susanna. A part of London bigger than most towns in terms of population. Yeah, yeah. You're going to Australia soon. I'm going to Australia. At a time of recording,

we're recording this on a Tuesday. Wait, what day is it? Tuesday. Right? And I'm flying on Friday. Going to Singapore for a couple of days. Then I'm going to Melbourne. I'm doing a show in Melbourne for two weeks the Greek, and then I've got a couple of days off from which I fly to Sydney, and then I'm at Sydney doing various, like, gala's.

Sydney feels a bit more like, it sounds a bit more like just for laughs in Montreal. We're talking like gala shows and showcases and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I'm doing that for a couple of weeks, and we haven't even figured how we're going to get back home. Because of a situation in the Middle East, if you go on SkyScan, they're like, well, I tell you where it is cheap to fly to Dubai. Do you want to fly to Dubai, please? Please. We'll pay you. We'll pay you to go to Dubai.

How much is it? I wonder. It's, it feels like flying to Glasgow from London. It's like 80 grid? No, it's like, I'd say it's like 100 and something. Wow. It's going to Dubai. Wow.

Isn't that crazy? We're to go to like South Korea. It's like, how many doors do you have? I'll take all your doors. I'm not selling my doors. What do you mean? I'm selling you my doors. I'm away for a month.

I'm not selling you my front door. What I have a door? Yeah, it's such a bad time. I mean, we were a bit like, do we take the risk and assume that in a month's time, everything's cleared off and we go, we did amazingly well to get these cheap flights. Yes, yes, yes.

But I also think there could be... And Katie, wouldn't I look up, what don't I Google now, what the situation is right now? And she googled Dubai. And literally the first thing it came up was a news article 20 minutes previously, saying Dubai airport struck by missile. And we decided not to do that. Yes, but how many missiles do they really have?

They'll run out. They'll run out. I like the idea of people, thrifty people, doing roughly the same level of planning as the Pentagon. Yeah. Just going... we reckon they've got three weeks of myself. A reckoning going on.

Yeah. What are you, is there anything particular that you're going to do to help yourself through the flight? Or do you look forward to anything about these flights? No, it's going to be a long one. I mean, obviously, broken up by Singapore in the middle for a couple of days. Sure. But I'm trying to think, because this is the first time we've all traveled together. Usually long flights I've gone on my own. I remember being so gutted on the overnight flight back from Canada to London for.

after Just For Laughs. And lots of the comedians having drugs that would help you just be unconscious for the entire flight. Yes. And my seat was nowhere near any of my friends. Nowhere near. You couldn't even go and partake.

Couldn't even partake. And I've never done this deliberately. My seat was the middle seat in a three. With two strangers either side of me and I was like, when did I book that? When would I make that decision? That is fucked. My legs just hurt too much if I do that.

It's agony. Yeah. It's absolutely agony. I have to, I find if my legs are in a sort of cramp location like that, I need to sort of stand up or like push myself up off my seat and kick my leg out. Like, and that just almost like refreshes the leg. Yeah. And it buys you another, like, it buys you another hour.

But every time I do that, even at home, like on the sofa or like on the tube or whatever, Katie always does some impression of me like a M.C. and cabaret. Because when you're sat down and you kick a leg out, it feels very dad, nah, da. I'm in Chicago. Ah, Shigako. I've been cramming myself into flights. I've been in Amsterdam and Rotterdam recently. Yeah, how were those shows?

Koji to any Netherlands who'd come to Shimi. Really nice. Highly recommend any comedians go gig at Club Hauch and Comedy Train, formerly Tumler. Yes, I did a gig in Toomler a couple of years ago, which is where that story came about that. I think I've taught on the pod before, about the MC telling me before I went on, The audience want the sickest stuff ever.

They want the darkest fucking... You can be fucking crazy. Yeah. And that's when I was like, can I run a joke by you? Because I'm not a rude or offensive comic. But I came up with his joke earlier about the Am Frank Museum. And he went, well, obviously not that. Yeah.

Okay. Same as corporates. Exactly that. Seeking the head stuff. We're sick in the head. Fucking sick of the head. Yeah. Rotterdam is really nice. It's in like...

Had you been to Rotterdam before? I've never been to Rotterdam. Years and years and years ago for a gig. 2017. It's very futuristic because I think it just got bombed to pieces. Right. Recently. In the war.

And so it's all... The Gulf War. The Gulf War. They picked the wrong side. The mayor of Rotterdam really thought, you know what? Saddam's got this in the bag. When you look at the heat map, it's so bizarre.

I want to get on his good side. Yeah, and it's one bit of the Netherlands. Weird. Yeah. But the mayor, who was called, I believe, Haddam Susane. Not suspicious at all. Yeah, it's very, like...

It's sort of a Dutch blade runner. Because it's very neon and futuristic and stealing glass and casinos everywhere. Yeah. And the man called the Harrison Fjord. Harrison Fjord is there. And everyone's on bicycles and has having a kind of nice time as opposed to a dystopian time.

Nice. And they've probably got a chocolate called, like, Replicant. Actually, you know, I always love the Dutch chocolate It's always called like, fuck, shit. Shit fucking chocolatein. So, like, 11 casinos between the train station and the gig, though. Huge. Like, actual, like, casinos.

Yeah. So not, like, walk in and there's arcade machines. No, no, like, huge, like, Bond mission casinos. What? Not, like, lit up, like Las Vegas. Yeah. But, so, like, people in it. For the gambling.

They're in it just for the gambling. But they look like a Hilton. Interesting, okay. They're not like grim or anything, but they're not like a Rite, Lansuitary God, like they look like a Hilton. Yeah.

You go, uh, okay, this is, must be for all the sailors. I don't know. Surely even Rotterdale. Yeah. It's a rich town, though. It's very rich.

Well, we actually, before this recording. Also, a shop called Sissy Boy. This is like when I was in Vienna. Which I sent you a photo of. Oh, my God. When I was in a... Why is that a shop?

Caged I owned Vienna a couple of years ago. And the speed of which I crossed the road nearly got hit by a car to take a photo of a clothes shop called Bussy Bussy. I couldn't believe my eyes. It's so... That's the funniest shop I've ever seen in my life. Bussy Bussy Bussy.

Ah, come on in here, Bussy, Bussy Bussy. Actually, on the subject of you doing stand-up, we actually came up before it was recording with a new type of stand-up, a new radio hall type of stand-up. Yeah. Of a call and response? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How does it work again? It's called what of it. What of it? Because we realize that a lot of observational comedian requires the audience to just listen and know what track you're going on. And also, we were talking about the fact that it wasn't about me, but it does work with me to an extent. People are always surprised when they hear, I've never done stand-up in South Africa, ever.

But then, like, down there, I would have to do stand-up about being really British or something. So I've encountered this a couple of times where you do a gig in mainland Europe and you go to a comedy club and it's English-speaking audience they're not from England but they're all it's a combination of like expats and people who just have English as a second, third, fourth or fifth or sixth language. And if you've got a name like mine, my gig's in the Netherlands,

almost no Brits there at all. Interesting. And like Comedy Cluby in Estonia and talent, shout out comedy club. And they know it's going to be in English. Right. And they're all fluent, but they're business fluent, not culturally fluent. Sometimes the host, you meet the host of the gig, and it's somebody who gigs regularly at a club, and they're from England, and they're a regular comic. Yeah.

They've never gigged in England. And I'm like, be back in England all the time. Yeah. You're not done stand up here. No, I wouldn't dream of it. And you go, what do you mean? They just go, I moved to burn right after uni. Yeah.

And I got a job here, and I do stand up, and it's like, fuck, I guess. You're in which what that means then is your material must be purely about what it means to be a Brit in Korea. Oratia, or that sort of thing. Often, and also the way it works is that you have to use stereotypes that they know, not the ones we know. Exactly. So I have a story slash routine about the hinges around the idea that for French people in this country and in America, we know the ha-ha-ha. We know that means French. Yes.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. The Dutch don't have that. They don't have that sound for the French people. What's the sound for English people? Well, that's the joke. Right. In the routine. Right, okay.

But there isn't one. Hmm. But I had to say to the Dutch, like, you don't have that, right? When you go, ha, ha, ha, ha, what do you? You wouldn't think French people, and they're like, no, I would be. Well, you're in person that a French person. What are you thinking? They're just like, you don't make that sound.

But you have to learn what their version is. Because theirs is come, awesome from fucking al-a-a-la-la. Yeah, so. Or something from World War II. Like, a stereotype in the Netherlands, if you said to the Germans, like a bunch of bicycle thieves, they'd all get that. Yeah.

Because that's something from World War II that they associate the Germans with and there's like jokes about it and it's in their culture. But if you came to England and you went, yeah, this guy, what a bicycle thief.

I'd be like, from the film. The Germans. Is it that they steal the bikes in a very efficient way? You wouldn't know. Not only do you have to, you have to be like

doing jokes about being British but doing jokes about being British that are like stereotypes that are local so you'll say to your crowd in Croatia. Well, you know, I'm from England so of course I don't have a breadboard in my house. Yeah.

And they're all like, oh. Oh, yeah. Or you have to... They cut it on the counter. Or you have to do the most English stuff where if you've ended it in the UK, you'd be like, I'm from England. So naturally, I had fish and chips for dinner last night. And an English crowd would go, what?

So that's why... So to allow English acts based in mainland Europe to gig in the UK, what we've created is what of it? And what that means is So these English shows, so I think I remember we go, so naturally I had fish and chips last night, the crowd as a collective can go,

What of it? And then they go, well, I'll tell you what of it. Well, I'll tell you what of it. Something went wrong with the order, and it's a funny story. Yeah. That's how you expand the routine. Exactly. But we feel like that would have made a lot of sense

in the 1950s, and that's how comedy would have worked. Because, like, knock jokes require such a call and response. Yeah. Oh, I've had a trouble with my mother-in-law recently. What of it? I'll tell you what of it, if you allow me. It would be so kind A musical thing

I think we'd like to watch a whole show of what of it I had a... It feels like it existed It really feels like it exists We've hallucinated a real historical thing Yeah But I would have to do what of it

In South Africa if I went there Or just pretend to have never been there Yeah Just lie Yeah And go wow What is this I don't understand

How call and response jokes It came about in the first place Obviously it's been done to death about the idea of how on earth did the first not-not-chote work and all that sort of stuff. The Americans have the whole trope of like, how fat is she, you know? Yeah. My wife's so fat.

How bad is she? She's so fat. I don't know what that's from. See, someone had to save it. I remember that first from... There must be a particular guy. Yeah. Who we don't know.

Like the, you must be a redneck guy. Exactly. Yeah. In Soviet Russia, blah, blahs you. Yeah. Oh, that's fucking Chuck Morris. Yeah, okay. This makes sense.

This makes sense now. But how did a joke, like, the whole, like, my dog's got no nose. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we could do this. I think we could create a new joke format. I think I had an idea for a show once.

Yeah. Where the punchline is the same every time and you just change the setup. So the jokes are the setups. Right. But you, the audience. The audience has a... With certain...

set-ups about 45 minutes in where you go, I'd tell you what happened to me the other day, my horse was wearing a stripy job out, and the audience were going, oh, for fuck sake. No, but they'd start laughing because they'd already... Yeah, what could this be? Because when you're a comedian, sometimes when you have a quick audience, a clever audience, they laugh because they're thinking ahead.

And they've already done the joke. Yes. And they're laughing because they're going, oh, I'm laughing at the joke, because I've heard it in my mind's eye, my mind's ear. I'm looking forward to you saying it. I'm looking forward to you saying it. feel clever and I'm

paying attention. Yeah. What if a whole show of that? Did I tell you my joke the other month? This was a few months ago maybe. I'm not sure if I did it on the pod. I had to book a doctor's appointment yesterday for my pet hamster, my one-eyed pet hamster. Oh, God. Wait.

My one-eyed pet hamster who has particularly bad breath and used to be a ballerina. It was such a hassle. Very nice. And also the bad breathing is you're going halitosis. Yeah, yeah, right. So how's this going to... XPialidosis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it would never work in the same way. I had a joke, but I tried about three times. Even at the most generous comedy nights, like, always be comedy. And an audience are always just like perpetually lovely. Yeah. But I was like, oh, man, can you imagine if Christopher Walken had played The Terminator? Like, can you imagine what that would have sounded like?

I can't. And it would get nothing because everyone would be like. Like, were you meant to do this? No! No! It would be a hack if I did that! I can't tell you how flattered I was. We got a message from someone, I think in Switzerland,

who had to pull over because they were laughing so much at my failed joke that never worked about horses making noises like cars. I was like, there's a guy out there who loves this joke, and he just lives in Switzerland. There's only one of him. He changed the course of his life forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause it like a multi-car pile up.

Because he was imagining horses going, ba-b-b-b-bo-boo-bo-bo-wah-wah, until you put them in a stable. They were as loud as cars. So here's my idea for a full show. That's the same punchline. Yeah. But a different setup.

So the joke originally is, why do gorillas have big gloves? Let me try work this out. Okay. It's dumb. It's not a clever joke. All right. Why do gorillas have big gloves?

No, I don't know. Because they have big fingers. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of those. It's a kid, yeah, yeah. Big nostrils, big fingers, isn't that? That's the version of a joke. Oh, yeah, so yeah, no, the original one is big nostrils.

One of the other options is, why do they have big gloves? Then you just say, why do the girls have big gloves? And the audience, like, oh, because they have big fingers. Exactly. But you have to wait until them to say it. Like, who's the guy, he's like, oh, Madonna, why did Madonna? The guy with the slicked over hair, the character act. Neil Hamburger.

Yeah, yeah, like Neil Hamburger waits for the crowd. Right. It's another one of the things that makes him deliberately irritating. Right. So if you're listening to this guys, Neil Hamburg is a very funny character act, very punk like Andy Kaufman. Does the Tim Heidecker's on cinema? Yes, he does. Tim Heidegger's on cinema.

But he'll be like, what do you call? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he'll wait for the audience enough of them to say, I don't know what do you call it. And he won't continue until they do it. Incredibly annoying. Yeah, so annoying. So why are guerrillas so good at hitchhiking? because they have big fingers.

And you just create an ever more like baroque and sort of obscene. So it's kind of mock the weeks if this is the answer order as a question. Absolutely. Is it? Is it? Why do gorillas have such big bum holes?

Because they have big fingers. Correct. And you move on. Why is it so expensive to get engaged if you're a gorilla? You see? Yeah, I like this. A whole hour.

Yeah. A whole hour. Yeah. And the show will be called because they have big fingers. Because also, we've kind of zoned in on the guerrilla aspect, but the guerrillas don't feature in the punchline. Correct. So you don't have to have it. It doesn't have to be gorillas.

That's true. Yeah. That's true. There needs to be something big, I guess, that you can correctly accuse of having big fingers. Yes. And I can't think an animal that's big that has, that still has fingers. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Why does it feel more meaningful when gorillas count? More meaningful. What the fuck do you mean? More impactful. One, two. That's something I've enjoyed doing in the past

of giving someone an ultimatum. Yeah. But going, right, okay. Like, can you turn a TV off? Okay, or you turn a TV off. All right, I'm giving you three minutes. One. I'll come back to this later.

I thought you were going to do. Like, 180. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 179. Do you find that works with The Wretch, if you have to say, I've got relatives and friends who with their kids, they go, three? No. As in three, two, one.

No, because he knows nothing will happen at the end of it. Nothing will happen at the end of it. No. No, because it, like, failed to work once, and then after that, it failed to work forever. So what we do with television, for instance, is you're blessed by the fact that episodes are very, very short. Yes, they are. So, what you go is, you go, I. Okay, I know if I just turn this off at the end of this episode, it's going to be a tantrum.

So what you do is you let them know, you go, okay, at the end of this one, we're going to pause it, we're going to go and brush a teeth, we're going to do something up the thing. And then you come back, we're going to do one more after that. So you go, like, there's actually something. There's not only going to get to the end of this episode before we do something. There's going to be another episode after that. It's only way I can get it to work. Do you know the hostage negotiated trick thing of the false choice?

No. Where it's like, you want to turn it off. If you either shoot yourself or you can kill yourself. You can't. have a helicopter. You just keep telling the kid. You can't have a helicopter. I cannot get you a helicopter.

You say like, okay, this is your decision. Turn it off now or turn it off after one more? Then they feel like they're deciding what's going to happen. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. That's clever.

But I've got a friend who does it with their kids, but it gets to the, it's effective to the point where like the number three feels like the magic word. Yes. So it'd be like, three and then... Buh. Eyes roll back.

Yeah, and it's some weird like, um, Jones Town thing. It's like Darren Brown. Yeah. Three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could you hypnotize a kid? Maybe. I think it would feel immoral.

Yes, maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe they're too... Because they're big fingers. So, there's that. No, kids can have big fingers. Can they?

No. really weird if they did. Just like they were wearing like Disney gloves almost. I did, I mean, in terms of in terms of size, I did take, I did show the Wretch

a nice family photo of us. Yeah. But what I'd done is I'd put it through an AI and said, the boy make his head four times the size. And I went,

don't we all look really nice here? Did you? He lost his fucking mind. I think it's the funniest he's ever found anything. That's so good. That's so funny. Because it looked lovely.

It was like photorealistic. It's a fucking enormous head that was like obscuring Katie's head. And he immediately got that. He wasn't like, ah! No, obviously. Grabbing his head. Father!

Am I such a monster? We used to do it as a joke. We'd sort of go, let me blow into your ears. Oh, my God, I made your head massive. And sometimes I'll probably go, oh, no, we'll suck it back out. It's fine. But you'd be like panic for a while of it.

huge head. And that was the biggest shame you could have. That's the big head. Yes. Heavy is the head that is your head. Yeah. Because it's so massive. Yeah. I used to try and convince my nephews that either I or they had psychic powers. It's easier to convince them that they do. Because you can just say... They hold their hand up and you throw yourself. Yeah, yeah. Or you just say... Wrestling is so much harder for the defense from the attack. Yes.

Because the attacker just needs to do a move. The person who's like receiving that move is the one who needs to like backflippin pain. Yeah. Yeah. And ideally fake pain. Yeah. Oh no. It looks so dangerous, man. We know people who've done the comedians wrestling and it's like, people are breaking ribs and shit. What about me who ended up

in A&E after the comedians wrestling? Because your mouth exploded. You've my mouth exploded. It stitches in your gob. Yeah. Because Alex Horn punched me in the teeth. Fuck. What a sentence. I know, right? Yeah. That's at A&E when they put you in the mental hospital wing.

Yeah. I didn't say. The man from Taskmaster. Punch me in the mouth. They go, oh, yes, sir. Yes, I'm sure he did. Was it magnificent? Yes.

Was it part of the game? It was at the O-2. Joe Leisett was there. He was my manager. Right. Right. Yeah. Okay.

Was anyone else there? Elvis, Napoleon? I had to clothesline Olga Koch and Phil Wang. Right. Oh, I'm trying to think now of like pranks to play on my nephews. Have you ever a good prank? this is a good prank. I was with two friends

and they were like, oh, can you take a picture of us? And I was like, yeah, yeah, sure. And I very, very quickly downloaded a picture of the Chuckle Brothers. And I did the whole thing, I did take a picture. And then they were like,

and I was like, oh, you guys look great. Let me show you. And then like, in the second it takes them to realize they're looking at the Chuckle Brothers. Yeah. They go, oh! Because their mind is so primed

for their own face. Oh, yeah, in the same way that I've always thought, the weirdest a person can look. Yeah. The weirdest a human being can look is when you're walking. walking down the street and you go, hey, that's my friend Steve.

And then as I get closer, you realize not only is that not Steve, but they now look like a really weird version of Steve, where something's happened to Steve. So, because they look a bit like your friend. And you go, you've tricked me by walking closer. A minute ago, you were my friend. And now you're this enemy who I don't know. Now you're worse than nothing.

I hate you. Your eyes are too far apart. Steve's aren't like that. Steve's nostrils are bigger. Yeah. Because he has big fingers. Yuck! It is weird because then you're like,

I actually don't even feel neutral towards you. You're worse than a stranger. I'm glaring at you like an inception. Like, I want to shoulder barge you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it about that kind of anger? Like, they've betrayed you, your trust. I thought you were my friend.

Yeah. Literally, I thought you were my friend. Yeah, I've been kissed by Judas. It's something horrible about it. You're right, because it makes you feel like one of the people who has that delusion that everyone around them has been replaced. Yeah.

Do you know that delusion? I don't, I wouldn't call it a delusion. Well, you would. But the real... Oh, another person, the long line of people who are telling me, I'm delusional. Oh, now you've managed to somehow work it into the podcast. Alan!

Yeah. I know you're watching. It's harder to say, I know you're watching when you've literally filmed yourself. Yeah. You've really let them in here. But we look at a different camera. I know you're down there.

It's never a delusion of someone who thinks everyone's been replaced and they're delighted. Yeah. It's never like, everyone used to be such a fucking pricks. Yeah. So thank God. Yeah, thank you. I'm glad. I don't know why the aliens have replaced everyone, but it's made an absolute world of difference.

No one's ever pleased. Yeah. But I guess no one is about like the loose change people. aren't like, good, those two buildings were an eyesore. Have you ever seen, there's various pages online that post about this, but there was someone on Reddit talking about how one of their colleagues went to wear on holiday and a different person came back and everyone is pretending they can't tell. And you just go, you're developing a illness, but you're posting on Reddit so we can't get

through to you and tell you. It's such a creepy thing about the internet because... You go, help me help you. You're trying to say to them, like, the meth users subreddit. And you're like, stop it, stop it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. There's a subreddit's for drug users. And you want to just, every post on there should be, please try to stop.

Yeah, my God. Well, a guy. Horrible windows into people's lives. A guy I went to school with, once, this was about six months after we left school, all his pictures, his Facebook profile and stuff, just changed to a different guy. And it was still his name. And it still had all the same mutual phrase. People wishing him happy birthday on his wall.

But there's a different guy, different ethnicity. All the pictures were now of a different man. Come on. I think you got hacked and someone just couldn't be asked to change the name. But they were like, this hacker was like changing their picture. Yeah? It was so strange. To be fair, we're saying this.

Your phone background is a stranger's family. It is a different family. It's very funny. It's a stock photo at least. It's a stock photo. I think it's fine. It's legitimate. It's very funny.

Let us know your favorite pranks to play on the young. Trick-a-lids for children. Trick-a-lose for children You're listening to Trick-A-Lose for Children On Radio 4 How to get into a little boy's head How to freak the nut of the child in your life I think they're very funny

And my dad convinced my older sister That there had been goblins in the garden By Lee... That's a good one, it's a classic Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah She found some of the plumbers' hemp, like plumbers' hemp fluff You stick for it in leaks And she was like, what is this?

And he was like, goblin hair. Plummer's hemp doesn't feel real. I've been starting to use phrases like that around home, just stuff that sounds like, what do you want to do? You want to get him in a sort of fisherman's hold? What? No one ever questions under that.

It feels mundane. Well, you want us to put in a bit of plumber's hemp. Yeah, plumber's hemp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's your fault you haven't heard of it. Those phrases. Where it's your fault. But yes, Kogi guys,

and we're going to go remote for Australia. What is Plummers Hemp? Sorry. It's a kind of hemp rope thing that you used to... You put it into plumber's joints and as you tighten it, like it absorbs water and it's waterproof. So he stuffed it in there? In what?

Your dad? I don't understand what you mean. He left some around, like on the floor. So he got it out of the pipe? He was fixing a pipe. He was using it to fix a leak. Right. And he left some around.

And my sister was like, what was this? That was like goblin hair. That means we have goblins. What's trying to happen? What I'm trying to do? is trying to negotiate a certain syntax and choice of words, which would result on us ending with the sentence. Because his fingers are too big.

And I can't get it to happen. See, it's addictive. Fuck! It's a good game. Yeah. Well, Koji, everyone. Yeah.