BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E42 | Blowjack Horsejob

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

Vote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJIThis week the buds discuss Glenn's Celine Dion story, Epstein's redacted food recipes, the blue dot drinking game and head injury tat.Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI! Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTV Pierre is on tour across the UK, Ireland and Netherlands! Including a headline show at the Leicester Square Theatre on May 28th! Tickets available now at https://www.pierrenovellie.com/Vote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Important announcement, guys, we want you to go and vote for Budpod for a listener's lobe in the Golden Lobe Awards. It's a public vote. The rest of the awards are judged by judges, but this is Democratic. It's up to you, the listener. There's a link in the description, and we'd love it if you clicked through and voted for Budpod for the listener's lobe. It's Budpod 42, Remote Pod. Acoustic boogaloo. Glenn, if anyone is watching, Glenn, you look at a lot.

like a Melbourne correspondent because you've got the city behind you. I've got the city behind me. This isn't real, by the way. This is like a green screen generated. I can change it to the Hollywood sign whenever I want. Yeah, low budget, late night, Fallon, Kimmel,

Jay LenoS talk show. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whenever GM TV had like an Aussie correspondent or whatever. Yeah. Did you ever do that as a kid where if you were watching something where there was a background like that, did you just watch the background to try and see if there was like a bird or like a light change to see if it was actually real? Yeah, see if it was like an enormous plane crash.

And they'd never mention it. Just Godzilla. But that would happen every time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's on a loop. You go, that Godzilla's looping. Yeah. That's not real.

We should probably point out, what time is it where you are? It is half-past nine in the morning. Right. So this must be your least favorite Tinnies episode. Yeah. Oh, God. Just spend the rest of the day howling on a bench. Yeah, whereas it's 7.30 p.m. for me, so this is my, I believe, this is my first wine 11.

We've done Tin Laden, and this is my first wine 11. And you're in Australia, so it's appropriate for you to be drinking white wine in the sort of warm evening. Yeah, I've been here for like a week and a bit now. It doesn't feel like it. I flew to Singapore. Yeah. I remember it's in Singapore for a couple of days. I, you know if I was really boring social media posts you see do the rounds occasionally of like the best kind of pint and it's like the airport pint. The pint on the balcony while, and it's always really blokey.

It's like, well, the missus is getting ready on holiday, that sort of thing. And I always want to do one of those lists where like it becomes increasingly insane, you know, sort of like first, first night in the prison cell pint. You know. Upside down. The upside down pint. But I've realized I think I do have a favorite. I do have a favorite pint. Oh, yeah.

And it's being in an Asian country sat on like a plastic chair on literally the pavement outside a place that seems to double as an abattoir but also serves beer and just having a pint like literally on the strip. That's like doing that like midnight, the night air I. It was like, that was phenomenal. I wrote an all-timer for me. Can we substitute that for maybe, I don't know, like, developing nation pint? Developing nation pint?

Because you could as well, this is Singapore, like, it's so glitzy. Oh, no, the plastic chair aspect and the like the weird business behind you, that could be South America, Caribbean, Africa. It makes you feel like Anthony Bourdain. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Sit on a plastic chair. Have your pint. I it's so unfortunate that I think he looks a bit like Jeffrey Epstein he's a fucking dead ringer for Jeffrey Epstein yeah and it made it because that's just who I think of in my head I'm like the Epstein chef and it's like people are like what is it he cooked for him and I'm like yeah no we don't know we don't know

we don't know there's all those TikTok accounts that are like oh you know Senator so and so or Brad Pitt is secretly Henry the 8th or whatever the fuck because the faces are the same Yeah, this guy from a Victorian photo is Nicholas Cage. And you never experience the concept of people looking like other people. But they never go for people who were alive at the same time, e.g. Bordane and Epstein. That would be more conceivable saying, like, actually, it is the same guy. They were alive at roughly the same times.

It all fits. Instead, they're always going for a time-traveling aspect as well. Like, they're just, they think, they're trying to play having undiagnosed schizophrenia or paranoia on hard. mode. I think he was so... Anthony Bordaimus, well, Jeffrey Epstein, was so paranoid that people would find out he was secretly a television chef

that he created this whole backstory where he had this whole paedophile island. Because he was like, I can't let people know that I made delicious food. Well, this is the thing that mainly what the FBI has been doing is redacting all of the fantastic recipes from the Epstein files.

Yeah, if you look at all the Epstein files, they always start with, my grandmother taught me this. amazing and it's just black text from that and then it's and then you're reading it

and you're going three fresh redacteds a kilogram of redacted a dash of redacted every single redacted file always ends up

with always ends of plate up and enjoy what? What kind of sick freak is this? What was Bill Clinton doing to these kids?

Speaking of of a bad celebrity behavior. I had one of those, I think in a recent episode, it might have been a patron, we spoke about uncontrollable laughter and how painful it can be. And when it's in a situation where you shouldn't be laughing, on the Singapore Airlines flight last Friday, I had one of the most uncontrollable laughing fits

I've had in a long, long, long time. Because I remembered something I hadn't thought about since. And it's based off something I think we've discussed on the pod before. But I've ever told you about the Celine Dion incident when I was a primary school? Oh, I don't know if you have. So, my parents, this was great, but when I was like nine or ten years old, they took me and my sister out of school for like two weeks to go to Disney World because obviously it was

so much cheaper to go not in the school holidays. Yeah. So it was back in the day where I think you could take kids out to go on holiday. There was a time when it was very much just do what you want. Exactly. And also it's primary school and you go, really what's the, what's the day? What's the risk? And we went to Disney World and had the best time ever.

But when I came back, I found out that a bunch of kids had been hand-selected from my year to be backing singers for Celine Dion at Wembley. What? Yes. And because I had been away at Disney World, they would have selected me. And as a result, they didn't select me because I couldn't be part of the rehearsal process. I was the only kid to ever resent going to Disney World like in retrospect I was like I can't believe

I missed out performing at Wembley with Celine Dion and but this is the insane bit my friend JJ was like my best friend at the time he was like really gloating about it because the other kids

the kids weren't allowed to talk about it because we were best friends he like let it sleep that's a funny that's a you you don't meet Celine Dionne is such an incredibly specific. Yeah, he was like gloating about it all the time.

And kept on saying that like him and Celine Dion were like best friends and she like really, really liked him. And he was like, yeah, she just really likes me. It was driving me insane. And when the school announced that they were going to be performing like officially, they didn't an assembly. And they brought up a big picture from the rehearsal

process and it was all the kids. It looked like a school photo but where the headmaster Celine Dion, she was like sat in the middle. Celine Dion's school for the musical boy. Yeah. And so, and in the picture, he sat next to Celine Dion, and she's got her hand over his hand on his knee. So he was like, do you see, we're best friends? And I was like, oh my God, it's clear-cut evidence.

Like, she loves my friend JJ. Yeah. This is insane. It's the most envious I've ever been. And then that weekend they performed. And on the Monday, I was like, you know, come on, how was it? Lay it on me. Did you sleep with her?

Just tell me. He told me she sucked him off. No, no. Come on. I hadn't thought about that since. Come on. But looking back, that is the funniest allegation a kid could make. The Salientia on assaulted.

That Celine Dion organized this whole thing, this whole concert. We were like 10 or 11. He was, I can't just enough, he was happy when he told me. He wasn't like just staring at the wall. Something pretty weird happened last time. I'm like, that's amazing, man. That's so cool. But yeah, it turns out I think Celine Dion must have gone to the island.

If that was her behavior in the UK, hiding in plain sight. This is presumably backstage at Wembley as well. With a lot of people around, runners and things. So many people around. So many people around.

But this would happen a lot in like, in media at the time. Very Beano behaviour. I know the Beano has come up quite a bit recently. Yeah. But of like, oh, the cool kid in school, suddenly like in the Bastreet kids, suddenly has his arm around like a supermodel.

And you go, arrest her. Ritchin, yeah. Richie Rich. Yeah, in Ritchie Richie Rich. the McCauley Hawking film. He's on the front cover of People magazine, and the headline is Sexiest Man Alive, question mark? And the answer's no.

No. He's a boy. He's a little boy. I'm like, turn to page 40 to find out, no. He's a child. You turn to page 40 and it's just, it's like a policeman pointing at you. Yeah, yeah.

Your jail needs you. Here, come to this address. Yeah. I'm trying to find the, because was it Ritchie Rich or was there in a brief fantasy sequence in Home Alone? Am I crazy? Where what happened, sorry. Sexiest Man Alive, the McCulley Calkin magazine thing. I'm absolutely certain it's Ritchie Rich.

The only things I remember from that film, a toothpaste that can burn through prison cell. Fuck, yeah. That's all I remember. I don't know what the context of that is. I remember he's got McDonald's in his own home because I always found entertaining the idea of what the staff do most days. They have, yeah, there's like 10 employees there, and they're like, they're phoning it in beyond belief. That milkshame machine is never working.

You go, no, I'm not fucking making, I'm not doing that. If it's working, it's never cleaned. Right, yeah, he's getting ready. I'm not cleaning it out. Fuck this kid. And I remember as well, I think near the beginning you see the school he goes, two and there's only like four other kids in his class and they're all like insane rich kids and one of them's getting like a tailor is like measuring him up like during the lesson um and i remember

sort of thinking those kids look like terrifying dickheads like yeah a joffrey they're all just joffrey one of them is going to grow up to be the yellow guy from uh sin city and just in city yeah yeah he's gonna get his dick ripped off by mickey roark yeah yeah yeah eric trump running running running hand through wet hair and trembling as they say my father is a great man the people of gotham i just i always have to raise the question of self-awareness like that's what was so interesting to me about all the creepy cartoons that they did release from those epstein files which is that the cartoons they're like scrawled children's drawings were like a prop from a horror film Yes, he was not a talented artist.

But someone might have given that. Well, of course. Hitler was better, yeah. Of course. No, someone gave him the drawings, I think. Oh, okay. I think it was that someone gave them to him as like a funny gift. Like, oh, I did a little comic strip about your life, Jeff.

He's like, I need to stop hanging out of kids. These kids give shit gifts. Kids give shit gifts. All those ashtrays. If the wretch got me an ashtray for my birthday, I'd find that the funniest thing. They probably don't do that anymore, do they? Making kids make ashtrays out of like instant clay and then painting them. No, I try to think whatever I had to make.

It was all, you know, all that dried pasta shell bullshit. Pirate maps dipped in tea. Yeah. And then DT was obviously inevitably coat hooks that looked terrible. Co-hooks, fucks. Yeah, God. I made an ashtray. I'm pretty sure in South Africa. Because everyone smoked. Everyone smoked. I think your mum's going to love this. Yeah. But teachers are like, your mum's going to love it.

And they were just like, yeah, I think if your parents didn't smoke, they'd be like, oh, I think you should be in a separate class. You clearly... I was actually going to come on this episode today and really sincerely and say just completely offhand that I was getting really into smoking and just see how far that could go before you were. like, we, hot weather, Glenn. Hot weather Glenn. Suddenly get really into cigarettes and I'm like, I'm already nervous about that duty-free.

I know I'm going to overspend. I tell you what I did come up today while walking around. Head injury tap. So you know, like, we've seen before those posters where it's like, Pilates, that's what you said, pie and lattes. Yeah, just such a, already hearing that.

I thought you said, Jinnle, please thee, and you go, go to see a doctor. I was thinking a big, a big poster of one of the stars

from Jurassic World. And it says, Bryce Dulles, Howard, I thought you said, nice phallus, coward. And then I was trying to,

I mean, I was doing that on a poster outside of cafe. And then I was trying to think what the context could possibly be. I don't think it's if like,

a streaker, has annoyed you and it's something you say sarcastically at Wimbledon. Nice phallus coward. Nice phallus. What a horrible. What a coward. But yeah, coward.

What a combination of so casualness and Latin. It's really horrible. Those two things together. Do you know what it could be? A sort of sometimes when you walk through Soho in London or

a lot of major cities, there might be like in Soho's Chinatown there is a middle-aged Chinese lady who stands around in a doorway near Cuba where there was that gig and she like tries to beckon tourists in

for a quote-unquote massage right like fine I've never encountered I used to do that gig at Ku-bar all the time yeah she haunts the doorway so you know if you come out for the Lester Square entrance and you go through the

it's briefly China town and then it's a big gay bar on the corner with a mad gig in the basement and then it's Chinatown again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In that first random like 10 metres of Chinatown right next to the hippodrome, there's like a lady she hangs, she's just always in the doorway and she's quite aggressive. And that could be her sign. Nice fellas coward.

That's really good. Yeah, but she's trying to like taunt you into coming into the definitely normal massage parlor. She's like, if you're not afraid, why don't you fucking come in here? Yeah. Come and have a go if you think your dick's hard enough. Is it that? Nice phallis coward. Yeah, I could work.

That's what you say, yeah, if you turn her down. I mean, maybe it was something people were saying to, like, lovers were saying to Noel back in, like, the 50s. Like, to Noel coward, nice fallas coward. Like, you know what someone, someone's always saying, tremendous dick, novelli. Tremendous dick. Referring to Noel coward as Noel really threw me there. I was genuinely like, sorry, who are we talking about? That's not the first Noel. It's not the first Noel.

Like, it's either like Gallagher, Noel, or that's kind of it. Here's an idea. What about an album called Noel and Noel's Noel? So it's Noel Gallagher and an AI Noel coward doing Christmas songs together. Like David Bowie and Bing Cosby. Yeah, exactly, yeah. I fucking hate that little drummer boy song. I hate, I hate it. Just the concept of a little drummer boy annoys me.

You go, oh, we're giving a child access to percussion is already a nightmare. It's the last thing you want around a baby. It's the last thing you want to round a baby. A slightly older child who wants more attention, just hammering away at a fucking drum. And it's very berries and cream. Do you know what I mean? I used to get annoyed whenever I walked an old phone box. and the old BT logo was like a boy with like one hand up as if he's holding up a tray of drinks

but just holding up nothing. And the other hand playing a long pipe like puck. And I just thought, oh, you, absolutely, you wet piece of lettuce. I couldn't stand him. I couldn't stand him. You don't like the little. It was the only time I ever got like really toxicly masculine was looking at the BT boy. who's only made up of like red and blue lights,

but I was like, we're becoming weak as a nation. You were pointing at the little BT, little flute-tooting cherub and saying, weak men make hard times. Yeah, I was getting like really like mannosphere about the BT boy. I'd love if this got you on Rogan

and you had to explain the tooting BT boy to, and increasingly it confused Joe Rogan. Yeah, and Rogan's like, and this is a real guy and I'm like, well, you tell me. You tell me. Jamie, can we get that? And he's like, I say to Jamie when we get things up.

Don't fucking talk to Jamie. Being in control of that, but I like being in control of any room you're not in control in is such a funny power to do. Going around a friend's house and saying to come up. Can we get some drinks around for these guys over here? Can we get some bottles of water in for these guys? And they haven't asked for it either. Can we get some bottles of water in for these people? Thank you so much.

standing up in a newsroom and saying, that's a wrap, everyone. That's a wrap, okay. It's all done. Yeah. Yeah, insisting on someone else's TV show. Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for. Stick around.

That's a great bit. Someone please do that. We should... I used to on stage, like, having just done, like, say, 20 minutes of just uninterruptible material. Like just constant jokes, no play with the audience whatsoever, to just be and go, right, I think we've got time for one more question. That's funny. But then it would get, but like, after a while, I think people would be like, oh, what do I want to ask?

I mean, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Silly billy is fine. Well, they'd be sitting there going, they're going, haven't been any questions. He's got it wrong. You got it wrong. Oh, one thing I must say about Melbourne audience is no offence to the overwhelming majority of Brits who listen. but they're nicer here. Well, this is the thing.

We were discussing this of a text, and if the pheromone does travel, it hasn't caught up with you yet. No. I remember reading once, I think it's the Bedouin who believed that if you traveled for a long distance, it would take your soul three days

to catch up with your body. And that explains... Also, it's like it follows. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to hit me eventually. Yeah, midway through. I think it's just sort of like, Melbourne is just,

is so up for it and they're very arty and they're up for, like, I've made my show weirder and sillier, like, as a direct result. Yeah. Because they're just like, a Melbourne audience is like, oh, we'll just take anything. Whereas British audiences are a bit more, what about their legs? They don't need those. And that, and you just have to adapt to that, don't you? I will say,

this is the second Bud Podhos who has referred to the British public as Orcs. It's a consistent theme. I will say you have been, not unlucky with audiences, but over the years, you have accidentally managed to cobbled together a heavily coated,

an anorek heavy, shuffling crowd sometimes. Why have you all got carrier bags of meat with you? Why? How did the venue let that in? It would be, it would be, maybe few and far between, but they'd be gradually as you cultivate your own crowd,

then they sort of, they sort of die out. And there was no one on the tour this time like that. And very few people on the tour last time. But certainly when I started, like my first Edinburgh fringe audiences were like, you've come here to hate something. I remember, I hate something.

Yeah. 2018 or there was some time where you said, I think you genuinely said to me, just come see my show, to come see the show, but also just please just... 2017, it was my second show. Yeah, at the Tron.

And you were just like, just tell me, if you noticed anything about the audience. You were interested if I noticed anything amiss with these people. And I did, I have to say. It was, um, it was odd. There was some very, very odd characters who chuffled in. Then from 2018 onwards, just a lovely, lovely, lovely people. But those first couple of years were like, I think just they see, if you were among those audiences, genuinely, I'm not talking about you if you're listening to this, because you have access to like headphones and a phone.

So like, this isn't you. I'm talking about people who are like, they live in a service station somehow. Yeah. And that's not, yeah. And as in what I mean is, they live in a perfectly nice house that's somehow within T-Bay services. And their eyes are permanently closed.

And yet they can, they can still drive to locate, from location to locate. Their steering wheel is like, one of those ones you get on one of those toy cars in it outside of a supermarket. Well, like, the wheel can just spin indefinitely. having no impact. The car is somehow taking them somewhere like a self-driving car.

It's been like pre-programmed in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're the creatures of fate. Yes. Would you get in a self-driving car? I haven't had this come up yet in my life. No, I'll let everyone else work out the kicks. I die first.

Yeah, I feel this way about laser eye surgery still. I'll wait for everyone's heads to explode at the age of 60. And then I'll go, I was right, I was right not to get it. Yeah, I'm still holding out on laser eye, self-driving cars and asbestos. I'm like, I'm three, but I'm like, hold the line. You're really betting on asbestos, aren't you? Yeah, I'm like, I just need to know. You've got that little asbestos.

I need to know if I need to change, I need to change this wall. Change my pillows. Yeah. Fuck here. But I'll tell you. you who's not burning to death head up in their sleep. Oh yes, yes. I've been on tour. I came up with a song for you while I'm on tour. Oh, brilliant. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this. So let me just find the, here it is. So the song is, this is about the difference between London

and the rest of the country. Yeah? Okay. Just a little fun song. Regional town, regional town. It's the one place where you don't want to frown, because people will. I'll ask you about your mood. And if you don't reply, then they'll think you're rude. Regional town. There you go. What specific incident led to this? Just walking around a regional town.

Cheer up, it might never happen. Yeah. Yeah, imagine the person who shouts that at me. Incredibly confident. Almost flirtatious. Look more serious. It might happen. Which are you willing to share the region?

town where this happened? No, just in general, no, it was, it was just a general observation of, like, how much more people just come up to you and talk to you about, like, the train delay or whatever, whereas in London, just does not, you know, it's unacceptable. Do you know what? I mean, I lived in Sheffield for many years, and I did, I did like it. I did like just how, if you've got something to say, just say it to someone. Like, I think everyone's mental health is significantly better because you go, people are just letting it like, they're just, but, they're talking in the same way birds do in the morning. But just,

you just talk. I genuinely, I was like, this is a good thing. This is a good thing until it happens to you when you're not in the mood. I mean,

you're like, yeah. Oh, okay. My problem is I'm almost, I'm 99.9% never in the mood. Because if I'm on a train platform, it's maybe is the old autism.

Someone says, points at the delayed train sign, you know, the, um, yeah, the information, uh,

screen and they'll be like uh what's going on what's going on i don't know i want to turn to them and say i don't know man what do you want what they've they've got they've gone to the tallest person there as if that's what the train station recommends if you're frightened go they've gone find the nearest grown up if you see something that doesn't look right find the largest person you can they're in charge height height is power British Transport Police. See it, say it. Oh, isn't he big?

Yeah. And that's the whole slogan that they use on transport. See it, say, toilet, yeah. I did have one strange social interaction so far in Melbourne, I must say. Yeah. And this was yesterday. So I've had a lovely day at the beach, a splendid day at the beach. But yesterday I spent the day by the swimming pool and had a great time by the swimming pool.

There was a swimming pool in the block of flats I'm in. And it was just me. Whole pool to myself. It felt amazing. It felt really, really great. And then the door, like, bursts open. And immediately, you sort of like, I know this is so unreasonable. Like, I hate whenever someone gets on the train I'm on.

Like, it's so unreasonable, baby. You have mentioned this. You suddenly. It's public transport now. Exactly. That's been ruined. So as soon as someone enters the same swimming pool, you're like, well, now it's like we're sharing a bath. I hate this.

I hate this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They may as well. roll in a turd like a grenade into the pool. As far as I'm concerned. No matter how clean this person is, but I'm like,

there's just sighing about that. Sharing, sharing of a wet space. And they're like really, they get in and they're really washing their face. And you're like, oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They take ablution so seriously. Do you mean, like, when you're, like,

you know what? Like, in the gym changing rooms where men just, like, really aggressively towel their dick, like, so angrily. I should all be doing this I'm so furious They take their dick so seriously And they take their pubs so seriously

They have to be so dry Why aren't you looking at mine They're so important to me That you look at my balls It's so important to you as well That you see my balls That's really important They apply the same level of aggression

To inside their ear Inevitably as well with the towel They're like Yeah Oh Like they're fucking trying to start a motor Having a little uh, gym membership made me realize, I can't open my legs nearly as much as other men,

twice my age. They'd be sat there, like, they're sitting on a chair the wrong way around. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. They're sat on a bench with their legs fully 180 degrees. Straight line from knee to taint to knee. Straight line. A bullet could pass through and not touch anything.

Like a ballerina? Yeah, and you go, why is it so vital to you that I see your tape? Like, this is insane. It was so weird. But anyway, I'm sat there on my own, like on one of the sort of sun lounger sort of things, by the pool. And the door burst open, and it felt like being at school. About 20 people being led on, like, a tour of the apartment block. Oh, no.

All, like, so smartly and fully dressed. And I'm soaking wet and in swimming shorts just on a sun lounger. And they were just stood around, they were stood like around my bed. Like, it felt like this is definitely someone's fetish somewhere. Do you know what I mean? Like closed public nude male. Poolside. You know what I mean?

Poolside embarrassment. It's false far as. It was like, this is so fucked. But they were just like talking over my bed. And it was like, I hate this. So they were like. this. They were like doctors in a medical drama and you were the patient. Yeah. Like, as someone who's been like in a state of undr-

Nurse towel. As someone who's, as somebody's been on like a state of undress on stage before, that is amongst, that's more naked than I felt in a long time, even compared to like being naked in front of people. It was just awful. I hated it. Really, really unpleasant, really unpleasant stuff. That's, it is a kind of, it's like your, the sort of bikini model whose job is to stand next to the car, right? Like, it almost is like the hotel have put you there to demonstrate that it is possible to get in the pool. It's not full of acid. It is a real pool.

Yeah, maybe I felt like the world's wettest stock photo model. Because it's always bone dry. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, always bone dry. Like the wretch has been the most. bone dry I've ever known anyone to be because he seems to like to just be by the side of the pool and refuses to get in. And similarly with the sea, loves to look at it, loves to be directly next to it, refuses to get in. And I was thinking, he'd do so well on Love Island.

Never tempted. Never tempted to get away from the heart of the action. Yeah. Yeah. Refuses to get in the pool. I've always thought that was it was it Love Island, that your wife referred to in her wedding speech as a TV show that made you... Housewives. Real housewives. I said it. It makes me feel spiritually unwell.

Have you seen Love Island before? Yes. I've watched a few episodes and then I've seen clips of... I think maybe even your wife sent a clip to a WhatsApper in of the Love Island people saying is Barcelona in Italy? Are there trees there?

Or something along those lines. Right. The kind of sentences that a medieval person would say. It would come up on duolingo. Jolingo sentences. Yes, exactly. The bear stole my pineapple, they say, as they... My grandma's girlfriend has an apple.

Okay. I still can't say hospital. But okay. I was... Because they never get in the pool. Love Island would be so much more interesting if the pool also had to be, was fully empty and had to be used for all ablutions as well. Oh, like the sort of mega, a mega toilet.

Yeah, you have a show that's called Toilet Villa. Toilet Miller. And they sit around this like drained swimming pool, fully drained. There's loads of leaves at the bottom, even though there's no trees around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just who breaks first. One really big spider in the corner, but you can't tell if it's dead or not. That's the kind of thing you'd see. It hasn't moved and we're still staring at it, yeah.

I thought you were going to say it would be like... Because it would be who breaks first, because everyone sits around the pool. Like, I think it was... We might have discussed us on the pod before. I saw online, someone was talking about a pub, I think, in Wrexham back in the day that had... Basically, it was free, free pints until someone used the bathroom. Yes.

On like Wednesday nights or whatever. So you have actual, like, punch-ups happening because people were going in for a piss and people were like, don't you fucking dare. Like people literally like pissing themselves in the bar. Oh my God. Oh, it's so fun. One of my favorite pissing stories. A rectal catheter.

But I've ever heard. My other being, a drinking game that the absolute radio presenter, Dave Berry told me about, a real, like, rugby lad's drinking game called, do we have spoken about Blue Dot? No, I don't think so. Blue Dot is you and all your mates sit round, and you've got to, the game is, you've got to piss yourself as little as possible.

Blue dot, fuck me. As in on your jeans. Yeah. That is. What's the least you can piss yourself? So it's a keggle contest. It's a kegill contest. You're seeing who's got the most muscular dick valve?

I actually think it would be a really triumphant game to play for like NCT meetups when everyone's like a three-month-old. I'd like to see us add this to Mr. World, where... Yeah, yeah. Schwarzenegger, a young Schwarzenegger is letting out just a millimeter of piss, just incredible. I could see him getting very serious about that sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what he did with his calves? Oh, God. What now? No. Because working out your calves is one of the most annoying and difficult things for bodybuilding. this generally on average. And he was like, I was so lazy with my calves that I cut off the bottom half of my trousers

so that I would have to, people would be, see my skinny legs and laugh. And it would be like to humiliate himself into working harder. So he was going around in shorts, even in winter so that people would be like, ha ha, he's got skinny little calves even though his upper body so big.

What a weird though. So he would do that, but with his dick, his stick. Yeah, that's not the, I thought of Spartans did, didn't they? They'd get trained up, all the boys would get trained up. And part of the training was they'd get all the women from the town in and the boys would be naked and all women would laugh at her dicks.

It was like constant humiliation. So that you were just toughened and toughened and toughened. I haven't heard about this part of Spartan training. Yeah, no, no, this was supposedly a thing. Did you have this as a dream? No, I got taught this in classics, but by a very intense teacher, who always taught us the most sexualized elements of these things. With real, real wide-eyed delight.

Can you believe this used to happen, joy in his eyes? Yeah. I mean, looking back, I'm not sure how, like, I get, with the subject, especially with the subject of Nisha's classics, you shouldn't trust classics in a non-private school. Because it's a renegade. Yeah, yeah, I, so let's retract that bit. Yeah, that's

That's essentially As valid as my friend Getting a blowjack horse job from Celine Dion back in the day They're both exactly the same thing Oh, let's do some correspondence Mail, letter, post, message, E-mail, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, Not non-rands,

Correspondence Important announcement, guys, We want you to go and vote for Budpod for a listener's lobe in the Golden Loeb Awards. It's a public vote. The rest of the awards are judged by judges, but this is democratic. It's up to you, the listener.

There's a link in the description, and we'd love it if you clicked through and voted for Budpod for the Listeners Lobe. Yes, we are nominated under one of the categories, aren't we? Is it best tangent we're nominated under? Best tangent for Mr. Blobby IRA, which is an odd sentence. Yes.

In saying that you can get nominated for any sort of award, for making those sort of assertions. But yes, as we've always said on Budpod, Don't bull. Volt. We've always said that. We've always said that. And I should also say,

talking of Schwarzenegger and his little shins, we watched, for the Budpod watch-along tier, we watched the Schwarzenegger classic Commando. So if you want to hear what Glenn and I made of Commando, sign up to that tier, and have a listen and a watch-along, please. Yeah, it's a good film as well This isn't like going to be a slog for you to watch

It's like a legitimately just good fun Actually, really fun So yeah We should get thinking as well About our next movie watch along And I've got one that's like really sticking out for me Oh yeah Osmosis Jones

Oh my God, yes, yes I haven't had the chance to crack up in a while We're really looking forward to cracking up We've got to crack up We've got to crack up We've got to crack up The world needs laughter And we need to crack up

It's been a while since we cracked up. You know, I think it was nominated for like, VAM TV Awards for like funniest film of the year, which was obviously insane because, as we all know, it's the funniest comedy of all time. Yes, there should be a special Oscar that only goes to Osmosis Jones every year. Every year.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Asmosis Jones Award goes to, of course, of Osmosis Jones. They should make in-memor an Oscar category of the most dead, the most dead person. Was there if someone gets chopped up by a helicopter? They go, yeah. Right, the guy from the fucking Twilight Zone movie,

Vic Morrow, whatever his name was. Yeah, you just go, he is so dead. He's so dead. Some people would just like, oh, they died of natural causes, but someone who really died. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then obviously every speech always has to begin with. They couldn't be here tonight.

They'd always dreamt of winning this award. I think for the Oscars, they should be a designated receiver. so whoever it is that can't be there, they pick up the award, but they have to keep coming up with increasingly more and more awards tumbling out of their arms and dropping them and stuff. I was, we've hosted the same awards.

Corporate gig a few years ago, and it was for like, it was some TV and movies award. Do you remember hosting this? I can't remember what it was. It was like international films or international TV shows. It was the distribution awards or something. It was like,

widely distributed Spanish drama. Like it was very strange. And it was from films from all over the world. And people had traveled from all over the world the people involved in these movies to be there and was so excited. And Netflix won fucking everything. They won everything.

And Netflix had sent one guy, just one guy. And he kept coming. And he looked like so ironically like Wall Street like CEO. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he looked like Michael Douglas in Wall Street. and by the end of the night, he was walking up with this clutch of awards.

And I've never seen his brought in award ceremony, but it reached a point where he stopped coming up. And we stopped asking him to come up, because we were like, we'll just send the award down to you. Because he had nothing to say for each one. He was like, thanks again, I guess. I wasn't even aware of his show existed, but another win for Netflix, I guess.

Yes, yeah. It was awful. I didn't know Netflix. I didn't know Netflix was available in Portugal or Sri Lanka, but I guess it's good that we have won every award for those countries. I've never seen someone. I wish you could measure the applause from the first time you won to the last time you won and see the absolute downturn.

But by the end, everyone was like, we know. To a point where it was getting a sigh in the audience. Yeah. Whenever I announced Netflix as one of the nominees, because it was like, oh, okay. Like Putin in an awards category in Russia. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Mugabe's won the award for most votes. Um, right, let's be a little correspondence voice.

Let's do it. So, this is from Tom F. Tomoff. Tomoff, sorry. Tom, oh, shot for Tomothy. Yeah, yeah, Tomofy. Tomofy. Tomothy McVoy. From the, from the Acklahama, boeing.

Okay. Well, fucking two Ronnie's terror attack, that is. Just about to go life, but someone switched all the vowels on the breaking news, teleprompter. Swapping vowels is funny doing. Broking noise. Broking noise. Tomafee McVoye has done the Oklahoma bombing.

He's been sentenced to diff. By Lothal Injiction. And it's a good night for me. He's a sentence to be hinged by the knock into dood. By all but puer pint.

It just sounds like Dutch. Vahomen. Yeah, yeah. Hinged by the knock into the dude. Yeah, Dutch.

So Tomoff says To my favorite little bud dads Which is nice. Hello. Alison. Mad monkey kung fu. This is about the graffiti.

Yes. Yeah. Shout out again to the person who goes up and down Holloway road writing Mick shit on all of the

McDonald's adverts in Marker Pen. Very funny. Mad Monkey Kung Fu is the name of a rather good 1979 Hong Kong martial arts films. Other good Kung Fu film titles include Shaolin Drunk Monkey, Dirty Ho, and The Magnificent Butcher. Yes, magnificent butcher I'm aware of. Anyway, regarding your important survey on graffiti,

I live in Tasmania, home of Phil Wang's beloved Fat Car, which is an important piece of art. for decades writ large on a brick wall in a popular suburban street was the phrase pig poo is crunchy oh

I don't like that it's visceral but it decades just like that's the pig poo is crunchy wall no you know that's just life when it was finally painted over

Tasmania was plunged into a housing crisis make of that what you will of all their portents Yeah. Of all the portents to have. They've painted over the pig poo sign. Well,

I have a very funny port. A very funny port and I'll show on the Patreon. I don't feel comfortable saying on the main. Just because of who I think might potentially listen. All be clear on the Patreon. And we have a trick-a-loo for kids from Ollie. Great. Always open to trick-a-lose. The basis for this was you pranking the wretch

by telling him that you had inflating his head on imagery air. Yeah, yeah. It's so funny. Afternoon, jents, before I tell you my prank, I just want to make it clear that as a father, I would never use the following on my own child, regardless of how effective it was. But here's how an adolescent me got my younger brother

to stop screaming in my ear. So it's to his younger brother, when he was a teenager. Back when I was about 18 or 19, I was playing on my Xbox 360, of which my then my then five or six year old brother wanted to play, or just to disrupt my game as little brothers like to do. I tried my best to ignore him,

but his shouting just got louder and closer to the point where I could no longer ignore as he was borderline screaming in my ear. Instead of shouting back, at the point of snapping, I instead just immediately dropped my controller, stared blankly ahead, gave my ear a couple of wax and simply said, Hello? Hello?

Oh, fucking God. Teddy, say something. something. Hello, murmured and our panicked child. Say something, I shouted. I did. Oh no, oh no. He cried out, literally. Teddy, I can't hear you. I can't hear anything. I think he's deafened me. Jesus Christ. By this point, he was absolutely freaking out and hysterical saying, Olly, can you hear me? It was then that I dropped the act and said, well, luckily I wasn't deaf, but if you carried on, I would be. And he never shouted in my ear again. That is like, that's like 50s dad level stuff, Holly from you as a teenager.

Well, I mean, I did a module I dropped out of in uni because I couldn't bear it. I ended up switching over to something else. Child definitely. My second year at uni. Well, I was doing a module called the Romantic Child. And it was... What are you talking about? I know.

It felt so like non-s adjacent. I don't feel comfortable doing this. But it was depictions in sort of old romanticism literature. early 1800s sort of stuff. The whole module was about depictions of children. I don't know why. But actually, it ended up being more like literature for children at the time. And it was really not in any way challenging me,

and I didn't like this module at all. But loads of it was about fables that kids had at the time and children's stories from the early 1800s. Every single children's story is something like that. A kid is just being playful, and then the worst punishment does actually happen to them. And so one was like these two boys, these two brothers, have this little like skipping rope sort of thing

and they have it stretched over a pathway. And when people are about to walk across that pathway, they sort of strip and stumble on the rope and the boys find it funny. And it's annoying, but you go, it's not the worst thing ever. And they see this guy properly sprinting. And they hold up the rope and this guy goes sprinting and just shatters his leg.

And the boys are like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And the guy's like, oh, my God, oh, my God, my leg. I'm a messenger. I work as a messenger. I can't do my job anymore. and they're like, oh gosh, oh gosh. And he was like, I'm meant to be delivering a message right now. And they're like, what's the message?

And he's like, your dad is seriously ill. And I need to get a doctor right now. I was going to get the doctor. And because he's broken his leg, no one can get the doctor in time. And the kid's dad dies. And the story ends with, so don't do that then. Fucking hell, man. Every story for kids in that era was that.

It's all horrified. It was so miserable. It was so miserable. It was like all the German stuff like Studeville Peter, where it's like his fingernails and his hair got too long. So they chopped off his head and hands. Yeah, we had no choice. We had no choice but to remove his heart without anesthetic.

So that's going to happen to you, isn't it? Well done. Well done. Hope you happy. Enjoy your book. Yeah. You fuck. You fuck, you little fuck.

So bear that in mind, listeners, as we move to the Patreon where we will be sharing even more harsh moral lessons. Thank you very much for listening. Don't forget to vote for the golden lobes. and I'll see you on tour. Koji to everyone who's seen me on tour so far. It's been a pleasure seeing you there. Likewise, thank you, everyone who's seen me in Melbourne,

so many pub buds, and it's been a hell of a lot. I am here at the time of this episode going out. I'll be here on the Wednesday night, the Thursday night, a Friday night, and a Saturday night and the Sunday night before I then go on to the Sydney Comedy Festival. But thanks so much, everyone who's been. It has meant a hell of a lot.

It's my first time gig in Australia, so it's just lovely to see people there in the first place. All right. Koji, see you guys next week.