BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E46 | Boeing 1

Episode Date: April 29, 2026

Video Version available here!This week the buds discuss Father Christmas, a Tom Waits Bond song, 'Matrix football' and steam punk planes.Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVPierre is on tour across the UK, Ireland and Netherlands! Including a headline show at the Leicester Square Theatre on May 28th!Tickets available now at https://www.pierrenovellie.com/Vote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Important announcement, guys, we want you to go and vote for Budpot for a listener's lobe in the Golden Lobe Awards. It's a public vote. The rest of the awards are judged by judges, but this is Democratic. It's up to you, the listener. There's a link in the description, and we'd love it if you clicked through and voted for Budpod for the listener's lobe. It's Budpod 46. Let's shop at Wix. Wicks.

Wicks. Wicks. I remembered the earworm I had where it was the radio. commercial radio advert for Leyland. Right. And at the end it goes, Layland. Yes.

And in my head it was, gay men, yeah. Men. We've got paint, we've got plaster, we've got ladders, we've got twos,

gay men. Is that how it goes? I don't know. It's some stupid fucking advert. I just can't believe how much commercial radio is for and by men of trade.

Oh, it's huge. I just, I don't feel like there aren't enough builders in the country. Oh, I think I probably feel finally comfortable enough to say this. If I did a voiceover last year, I shouldn't have done.

Because when I was at Absolute, when I was working at Absolute Radio, the breakfast show was sponsored by Wix. Yeah. Wix. I always like to pitch Timothy Spall in the recording booth, presumably that is him. Can we go a bit lower, Timothy? Wix.

Wix. Just go a bit witness protection. Wix. Wix. For everything you could ever want to be. and your confection project. When bagelers broke into my house, I realized that I needed to have stronger windows and doors. I was never a member of the IRA,

but I remember they came down the street and asked for money. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, a documentary about the IRA voice. Yeah. But I... Wicks. I got, like, I got asked if I could do a voiceover for Screwfix. It was specifically the rivals of Wix.

And I was like, I probably can't, probably not allowed to. Yeah. I went along and they were like, well, what, what you're playing is a guy, there's giving me like the usual voiceover person who is the comedian K-Kurd, who's the voice of Screw Fix. And he'll be talking about sort of like, at Screw Fix, we've got hundreds of deals, that sort of thing. Sure.

And I was, because they had like a thousand products, I was just playing, my voice was just playing someone who is in the stock room counting up the stock going 998, $199,000. And so because I was so nervous that someone was going to work out that I was doing, for a rival company, I was like, I think the guy would be like muttering it under his breath. Yeah. He'd be like really like, um, 997. And it was like ASMR.

I was trying to make it as not my voice as possible. And they were like, can you just do it in your normal voice? Because obviously, that's why we hired you. And I was like, yeah, I think it would be, I do think it would be, I think it would be Irish, actually. I think is what he'd be Irish. Did you try and like, uh, working class at, it could have London accented up a bit? No, not at all there. We're just like, just do it as you.

You're a guy who's diligently taking the stock. It's quite a strange booking for a building company. It took maybe 30 seconds. 198, 199, a thousand. That's it? And no one noticed. Got away with it. No one noticed.

To the extent where the advert got played on absolute radio. And it was bringing around the office and I was like, I was so scared. You must have been absolutely rigid. Oh. Like getting away with it, absolutely delighted. Yeah, it was more like... Was it a deep and unsettling sexual thrill? No, not really.

To betray your master in his own home. The ultimate in false vase. Like Jafar? Yes. I left like Jesse at the end of Breaking Bad. I was just relieved to be out of the building. Shaking, weeping. People wondered why I was just absolutely drenched

in just the perspiration of terror. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the telltale screact. Yeah. Oh my God. We're back in the same room. Good for you. We're back in the same room. Five weeks away. Back in the same hemisphere. Yes. Yes. How are you adjusting? Absolutely fine. I was in Korea on Friday, I believe. Yeah. So I flew to South Korea. I'd never been to Korea. Was it like the future? No, because their airport, there's kind of like a bit of a

peninsula around Korea. And the airport is on one of those islands. So it's not actually on the mainland and we were staying in a hotel that was in that it's called paradise city is the area and i was like great this sounds excellent the grass is green and the girls are pretty that's what i've it's just the airport hotels that's all the area was but we just stayed in one of those overnight and when we flew back the next day just to sort of break up a journey from australia yeah but i went to like how was the flight on your na na na na na na na na na na nees nearing on a flight would kill me i think kneeling on a flight would kill me my knees get fucked up on every flight because they're jammed into the seat of the twat in front of me.

We were on both occasions. We were sent to the front of economy. We have the wall in front of it. Yeah. So more legroom. The only issue is, your TV is in your pocket and you have to move the TV. You've got a bit of a Captain Kirk TV, don't you?

A bit of a dentist's mirror. Show me. Show me what the inflighted entertainment is. Oh, I don't think I want to. Do it! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, like the Joker. Well, maybe like, uh, Victorian planes would have just had that, just a mirror that you can gaze upon your visage.

What, and just... So, so, so, so, so that your assistant can comb your hair behind you. You look rather pretty today, ma'am, thank you. Quiet. Yes. Like a steampunk plane. Yes, and you're allowed to stand up, but only for someone to tighten your corset. You will marry Mr. Williamson.

Yes, Mother. Can you imagine how thick with smoke? From the pipes and the opium? And obviously the three huge chimneys, like on the Titanic, that you'd have a lot of, on this Boeing. This Boeing 1. People shoveling coal at the front of the plane.

Most unerodynamic shape in the world. Massive chimneys. Fucking hell. They say she's unsinkable. Yeah, that's the least. What do you mean? So if we crash on the sea,

we won't go down. Yes, yes. Exactly. We'll just explode. But we're on the surface. Yeah. And yeah, there's underneath where the luggage is,

there's just loads of Irish people dancing. Yeah. Do you want to see a real party? Just But like surround Like cramped in my bags Yeah Neen

Neen Yeah People getting on Rubber dinghies But they're They inflate them Before they push them Out of the plane

So they're It's like 12 people People People can win I saw one leave With just six people On it Six people

We didn't want Them cat sizes And if you get down Really low That's where they They store all the big old Cars Oh yeah

Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Yeah, of course. Yeah, all the carriages and stuff. Yeah. Your William Shakespeare Day joke poster, I think about all the time. Let's see if I can find that. Where I think I've talked about it before, but for listeners who don't know what I mean,

Glenn did a fake World Shakespeare Day poster where those posters that are always like, if you've ever used your elbow or your eyeball, you might like to think. And those are real examples. Yes, butch an inch. So I made a poster What I liked to do Or what I used to like to do with Internet silliness was

You like to be silly in a way That would convince and enrage As many of the least literate people as possible You do three sentences Exactly you don't blink Three sentences of normal And then you gradually introduce So I made this on Canva free trial

If you've ever budged an inch Or said good riddance If you've ever been eaten out of house and home Or had too much of a good thing If you've ever tried to fight fire with fire or seen something vanish into thin air. If you've ever let down the gatehouse or driven yourself over the allotment,

if you've ever dipped your knob in the wrong ash tray or given someone a cheeky Bethlehem. If you've ever liked one of these percentage signs or the ghost emoji, if you've ever shorted Benjamin to Benjamin E, or taken all of your clothes off to go for a shit. If you've exclaimed, Shagadelic, baby, yeah.

If you've ever eaten yogurt from a carrier bag or used a dual-shock controller, if you've ever seen that bit in Titanic and the man hits the propeller on the way down, then you might owe a little something to Williard Shedspezzar. Every time I think about the man who hitting the propeller in Titanic, I then immediately think about that poster. That fake poster.

There's two anonymous cinema victims I think about, with regards to their demise. Man hitting the propeller on the way down. Die-hard guy who gets shot in the kneecaps. Yeah, in the kind of office hostages situation. In the bit was being renovated. and it's all billowy curtains and just wood paneling and no windows. But he fires at someone and gets him directly in the knees.

Oh, yeah. Some German guy with long hair. Henschman had such long, luscious locks in the 80s. Impractical. I always thought this way with whenever a footballer's got like an enormous like perm. Yeah. I'm like, what happens when you head the ball? Does it just go in a different, is it as unpredictable as a rugby ball hitting?

Yeah, does it introduce an element of chaos? Yeah. Also, does it shave like a second or a few? you 100 meters, but add a second on rather. Yeah, it must do. You, like, all the air is getting caught in your hair. You realize that your legs are going a lot further forward than your head. Yeah.

You're running like a cartoon. Yes. Like, my goodness, my goodness. Really long steps. Yeah. What if we got to the point where footballers, everyone was so the same level of skill? And there was such small margins of error that, Every footballer was just like fully waxed, smooth, like Olympic swimmers are.

And you had all these, like, absolute minority report baldies running around on the pitch. Yeah, they all look like they're in Prometheus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all look like engineers. Smooth fish people. Commentator constantly scrambling for his notes. And he passes to, um, it would just be like he passes to player Epsilon. Player Epsilon passes to it like it would be done by AI.

Yeah. Matrix football. Yeah. I'd watch Matrix football. He passes to Diabolique. Diabolique scores Yeah And then the goalie would be really hairy

Because it just adds more space Yeah Like is it illegal to have injections A Brazilian butler for your hands So you just have Inauds ass hands That the ball just bounces off

Just huge Are you implying Bum cheeks on the palm Or are you implying Just really big Big hands Well it's just like If

So like If you're in a situation in like the group stage of the World Cup where your team just all you need to do to get through for the next round is not to lose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why can't they hire those sort of Americans where you have to remove a wall of their house together, ones that are documentaries about it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And put the wall in front of the goal. And they can't move. I never understood why you couldn't get enough people to form a kind of human wall in the goal and just kind of seal it with, like, flash. They do and it doesn't work. You get, are you aware of indirect free kicks?

Indirect free kicks? Yeah, well, they lie down on the floor in front of them. Yeah, essentially, because sometimes you can get an indirect free kick that's taken, like, closer than a penalty would be. Yeah. And they always try to line up in front of a goal. It never works out. But I asked, when I used to go to the Sheffel Wednesday press conference as well, I was a journalist,

former West Brom manager, Gary Megson, who was managing Sheffa Wednesday at the time. It was so dumb and embarrassing to ask this in front of all these BBC journalists. But I said, can I just ask a dumb question? Well, don't they have big bum hands? What? The hands, like a big bum? I said, the ball would hit it.

Why haven't you ever tried? Gat, ow! I've never been so offended all my life! I asked Gary Megson, why, and if he'd ever considered this, and why no manager had ever done this, when a player's got the ball, the rest of the team form a sort of Roman centurion around them, and he just slowly walked from one end of the pitch to the other.

You asked him this? I asked him that, and he went, Oh, I've never thought about that. And he wasn't, didn't find that weird. Absolutely zero respect for football. I already had so little respect, but the idea that they'd never considered it. Well, I... At least think about it.

Well, I didn't ask you my backup question, which was... Bum hands. Well, at the time... Is it okay that I kiss my cat? At the time, I think Peter Crouch, for six foot seven, strike was nearing his retirement. But if he was really in it for the love of the game, why couldn't he have an operation to be given a concave skull

and the goalkeeper he just run, basically, at the beginning of the match, you pass the ball back to the goalkeeper, or the Ace Ventura devil hair? Yes, yes. Put glue in your hair. What's to stop?

Like, what are the rules? This is such a be no dandy. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Roger does this. But pick up the ball, for goal he can, and put the ball into Peter Houch's

cup head. Cup head, yeah. And he just walks to the end of the pitch and just sort of walks across the line. So what you're suggesting is that Sheffield Wednesday become essentially the team of aliens from the movie Space Jam, a bunch of complete freaks that happen to be able to, big bum hands and goal, cup heads up front, the Legion will protect him. Would they introduce new laws in football? Or would they just have to accept that for the rest of Peter Crouch's career, the game is ruined?

and they'll win everything. Until they bring in someone who can do high kicks. Yeah. Like a flying ninja kick and kick it out of his cup head. Kick it out of his head. Yeah. Yeah. It's food for thought.

It's food for thought. That's what you said to him. As all the other journalists went, what the fuck is it? Food for thought has only ever been said by someone losing faith in what I've suggested. Well, I started to think of that, isn't it? It passed the time. At least I was saying things.

You can't take that away from me. It's a free country. It's either I've completely lost faith in what I just said or a threat in a sort of quite old-fashioned BBC ITV drama. Food for thought, Mr. Poro. Yes. Food for thought. Me and a friend who should not be named,

I'm not sure we've ever discussed this before, but it's what separates a sort of a supervillain from a henchman. is the aggression of which they speak. Yes. So the henchman will obviously be sort of like, I'm going to kill you, you know. The super villain... Yeah, they're always really pathetically angry.

And a super villain will say something in the lines of, you know, the hummingbird flaps its wings. 121 times a second. And then they just start talking about a bird for ages. Yeah. And for some reason that's more threatening. Have you about them in Skyfall?

Just talking about rats. Yeah. For ages. Before trying to touch Bond's dick or whatever. I can't remember. I can't remember. It's his pickup line. Yeah.

He does have quite a long description about rats, and I think in a tropical situation where you're trying to like kill all the rats on an island. And normally that gets the kind of people he hangs out with absolutely rigid. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's time for him to touch them. That's how he's worked. It's clearly been working for him for years.

And people have thought, I really like this guy. I'm going to have sex with him. I trust him. He's told me so much about rats already. Imagine how much more he'll tell me in the morning. Yeah. of a brunch. Have you, um, have you heard about the rumoured new Bond villain for the next film?

No. Father Christmas. Apparently, whisper it, but apparently it's Santa. Whisper it. Santa as himself. And introducing. Father Christmas. As himself.

First name, Father. Father. Father. Father. Father. Father Ahmed Christmas. And everyone goes, wait, what? Ahmed Christmas.

Father, because he's the right reverent, he's a vicar. He's a vicar. He's technically, yeah, yeah. Father, Father, please forgive. When I say, Father, please forgive me. I'm referring to Santa. I'm referring to Santa. As a vicar, for God.

It's very layered. And his name is Ahmed. It's spelled A-H-M-E-T, the Turkish way, Ahmed. Ahmed's Christmas. Ahmed Christmas. Yeah, he's from Turkey. He's just updated his name to go with the modern time. But he's going to be like a gritty or rebut.

boot of Bond. He's got a facility. He's got a facility. And he's got a henchman. Yes. What are the Bond, you're a punslinger, Glenn. What are the Bond? Even in Australia, you were accused of being a punslinger.

I couldn't believe it. Oh, always plans. Accused, yeah, yeah, yeah. Finger pointed. What are the puns for when you kill an elf? Like, you kick an elf into a present machine, and it's like, I don't know, don't unwrap it. till the death.

You've only got your elf to blame. Elth and safety. That's what he's at Elf and safety. It's that. Talk about elf and safety. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's for your elf. Yeah.

Nice. But they're all of Santa's children, so he's going to get angry and angry. But that's good for the finale. Hmm. What's Santa done to annoy MI6 so much? If we're presuming it's the era where bonds... Flying over any airspace he likes.

That's true. He's been going over North Korea over the straight of all moon. We found... Father Christmas is part of Russia's Shadow Fleet, 2007. When he's not delivering presents, he's delivering illegal crude from occupied Ukraine.

Present trafficker, Father Christmas. Present trafficker and Faye slaver. They call them Faye, like in all those elf books. That old Faye slaver. That's what people say about Father Christmas. when he goes to like a mercenary who might know where to find the... What do you want that old face lever for?

I want to know where he is. The North Pole. Don't fuck around with me. Belize. He lives in Belize. No one can live in the North Pole, obviously. He lives in Belize. It's a tax thing.

But if he's going to every child, then they, you know, it means Christmas Eve's a nightmare of trying to track him. He's been arrested on... I mean, like, what, 20 billion counts of burglary. Yes, yeah.

Breaking and entering. Images of him flying over Soviet airspace. He nearly started World War III more times than we can count. The world's safer without him in at 007. M. stopping out of cigarette. We needed to kill him. Make it nasty. Make it really horrid.

The first 18-rated bond in a long time. Apparently they killed the actor as well, yeah. Yeah, it's an illegal snuff film, yeah. M just saying to Bond, we need you to kill him, Bond, in a horrible way, nasty. Really make me feel sick when I look through it. Q's lab just looks like the London dungeon. He's like, basically, you just pull his fingernails out if he wanted to. Yeah, and Q is like a kind of,

Hey! Yeah, Igor. Igor, well. Yeah, Q is the only letter I can write when I make my mark. This horrible dungeon below MI6. But he's sort of, all his contraptions are like iron and wood. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're not fancy at all.

It's candlelit. It's a whole candlelit area below, I suppose. Yeah. And he goes, look at this. And it's like a guillotine. He goes, you put the head in, a slice, slice, slice, slice. Head come off. Yeah, a guillotine, I know what that is. He has a name?

Like, he thinks he's done, they don't let him out. So he doesn't know what's already in the world. Occasionally he would you like. He thinks he invented the knife. Don't disagree with him, Bond. He'll occasionally create some tech that's impressive for him, but it is still data. So it'll be like,

The landmine. You step on it. It explodes. The whole film is about how on earth he's going to organically kill Santa with the landmine, that's the one gadget he's got. It's a landmine to kill Father of Christmas. Got one wooden landmine

from this fucking ogre that we keep in a basement. I guess I put it in a chimney? We have to wait until December. It's July I've been given this mission. Can I do other missions in the meantime? No, we need you entirely focused on this. Fucking, okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Tom Waits doing the first one theme for this. It's just, it's horrible. It's a horrible, horrible, I regret. Mr. Grumble. No, no, it's a double, so the song, making it's a song about 007, and he's insistently called Mr. Grumble. Watch out for Mr. Grumble. Come to your town on a rotten old steamboat

in a rust bucket tub covered in blood. Is this about James Bond? Naked silhouettes, presented by Barbara Broccoli. Incredibly. Oh, Mr. Grumbo. Mr. Grumbo. Dittamble. The accordion.

Mr. Grumbo's going to come and cut off your ear. They say he was in prison in Panama. I don't like this film. The film. The kids are going, eh. The Vondike comes up. It just says bond with two ends.

And that's it. And in the sexy silhouettes, all dancing and like the woman is dancing and she becomes like beard hairs and like a dead Father Christmas hair. It's all built very much around Father Christmas being the villain. Bond.

What was the budget for this film? Donned. D-O-N-D. Donned. And you got approval for this from the estate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know he's at the end credits. James Bond isn't here.

What do you mean? What? There you go. What did you think? What did you think? It's a big new direction. Everything about the new direction. When you see it at the cinema, like about half a three of a film,

the cinema lights come up, even if the film's still on. Do we go? Is that the second? Part of it. Part of it. It's up to you. Choose your own adventure, Bonn.

Donned. James Dunn. James Dunn. Go for the Christmas. Boom. It's just a big new direction. Massive new direction. They need it to reinvent it after Daniel.

That's why Daniel Craig was so keen to leave. Yeah, and they're replacing... It's Daniel Craig again, but he's doing like a droopy dog voice. Very good thing. You quit me. The name's Bond. James Bond. Shaking that's goat.

He's a bad center. Just everyone's throwing up through the whole film. Just because it's so not what? It should be everyone that's just like... It's not recognizably a film. There's just, like, quite shaky mobile phone camera footage of Barbara Broccoli throwing up and having a panic attack outside of like Man's Chinese Theatre in L.A.

And then like shaking her assistant and saying, what happened? Why has he got two ends? How does this happen? Bund. Yeah. So we're looking forward to that. Instagram. With that, with that,

thinking of him walking across the screen, turning to the camera and just firing a gun into his chin. Just immediately offing himself. Yeah, oh! I think it's going to be good. But that's just the rumor I've heard. But it's Father Christmas is the baddie. Instead of blood coming down,

it's a really creaky, winched fire safety sheet. A pantomime safety curtain. Fos used to terrify me as a kid. I hated them. Why? Because they look like the opening credits of cheers. Do you know what I mean? Just like you go,

Well, these images of these long dead people, or it would be like cherubs and... Oh, because of the kind of faded, faded, faded, because paintings and images on them. Yeah, and also you go, what's this for? And my parents have to be like, it's fire. It's in case we all burn to death. Yeah, why don't it's everywhere else? And who are they protecting the people behind the curtain or us? Yeah, also, like, the whole building will burn down.

You can't slice it in half from the stage. Yeah, is it so that we die, but Julian and Clary survive? It's because fire never breaks the fourth wall. It will never go into the audience. It will only burn performance. Yes, yeah. Yeah. I think that's a good direction for Bond.

It's a great direction for Bond. I wouldn't watch it. I wouldn't watch it. Were you a Bond kid growing up? Did you watch a little Bond? My first ever Bond film was the day I got into my... So we had 11 plus exams. Yes.

To determine if you, like, grammar schools would sort of have them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I... The day I sort of got those results and I was going, to the school I wanted to. We celebrated by going to Valley Park, McDonald's and Croydon. And then we went to see Walters Not Enough, which I was too young for it. It was a 12, and I wasn't 12.

And it was the first Bond film I saw, and it was just one of the best days of my life. I remember that film vividly. What is 11 plus, if not 12? I still think it's one of my favourite Bond films, even though there's next to no redeeming features. Which Bond is it? Christmas Jones. It's Robert Carlisle.

It's Pierce Brosnan. Yes, Brosnan is Bond. Robert Carlisle has a bullet in his head. Oh, and it's slowly traveling, and it makes him not feel pain. Yeah, almost no redeeming features. And then at the end he has that limer. He's like, no, I know why. I thought Christmas only orgasmed once a year.

I thought I could only fuck up Christmas. By seeing all my relatives. I've never slown my dick up Christmas before. Christmas has never made me come before. And now it has. who you have. Well, it looks like I've got an erection. Bond.

That's a good roster. But just over the, like over his earpiece is Judy Danger going, Bond. Bond. Come on. We're listening. You sick, fuck. So many monitoring teams devoted just to watching one man do a mission. You think they'd have other stuff.

I'm fucking. It's like the third time he gets caught fucking. He's definitely into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've always said the most terrifying thing about James Bond is he only ever does missionary. Yeah, yeah. Because you go, you are supposedly

have slept with so many people. Yeah. And what that implies is you've done so much messed up stuff. Yeah. That actually the only thing that now turns you on has gone back to the base. And so now you're like, that's the filthiest thing

you could do. Like, it should have been when Casino Rao sort of like reinvented Bond, Eva Green should have walked in on James Bond, just taking your shit on someone's chest. Like a businessman's chest. Or just he's fully latex taped to like a pole.

Yeah, that's it. His bedroom looks like Dexter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just loads of sheets. For what substance, Bond? Did you need another suitcase for this? Yeah. Well, it's on the company credit card.

Why not do it? That's not why I'm asking. I don't care about the money. I'm asking about what it's for. Is it part of the mission? Oh, in a way? No, come on. Yeah.

It's Pish. It's for Pish. And like any good Bond, he always shits on the go. What? You need a holiday. Yeah. You know, we're actually going to make you take a holiday. Mr. Bond's holiday.

It's just going through France, killing people. It's just to look like at Wild Wadi Water Park. Yeah. What would be... Being into six flags. It must be strange if you are a proper, you know, high adrenaline spy you're not one of those spies that

gets sent to just kind of like just go to Mexico and we'll call you if we need something. One of the people he always meets who's like a fake crew he's handing him a suitcase. Yeah. Or handing him his chips and you go, that's a train spy. Has that to get a job in China at a casino? Well, that's an agent.

Okay. They're there anyway. Right. But if you're one of the people where it's like, we're sending you to Moscow. Yeah. Like your life is going to be... You've got to kill 11 people minimum. We'll check. Crazy adrenaline every day. constantly being followed, constantly being fucked with. If you read accounts of like, even just real diplomats, not just like, you know, wink-wink diplomats. Yeah.

Like, as a way of demonstrating to you that they have access to your flat or whatever that you live in as a diplomat, the KGB would break in and, like, leave a huge shit in the toilet or, like, fuck up your bed and stuff and leave your note. Like, they would vandalize your house. It's so funny, it probably speaks more to, like, your lack of security that you've just been, essentially what happened is you've been burgled.

Be like, KGB. KGB added again. They would do it. Like, it was a tactic. And there's a funny story of, like, some diplomat in Russia in the 80s who, it was like a communist block of flats that they were in. So, like, you can't, there's like a communal waiting list for plumbing assistance and stuff, right? Because it all has to be fair. And they knew the flat was bugged.

So they were just, like, loudly complaining about how shit Soviet plumbing was and what a bad, how you could tell communism didn't work because the plumber was taking so long. And next day, they got a plumber. It was just like, right, okay, that's proof. But those guys, imagine being that person. Yeah. Where does that person go on holiday? Because if you did go to Wild Wadi Watch World, you'd feel pathetic. Drinking a fucking scorpion, don't we?

This is what I'm saying. So every scene of him on holiday should start with him emerging from a wardrobe on loosening a noose that's been... And taking an orange out of the mouth. Insisting on going bungee jumping, just holding on, not even sealed. Like, not even tied up properly. Just hold on to it. Yeah.

Arm wrenched out of its socket, nothing, no reaction. Yeah, yeah. Bungy jumping. Wrestling a swan's neck. Bunchy jumping in perfect silence. And when he gets bounced back up, all the staff are afraid of him. But what noise are you meant to make when you bungee jump if you are on your own? But should you?

I don't know. I talked about my log flume incident. A couple of incidents. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking about this on the pod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you, I'm certain we have, yeah. Because you end up having to go down on your own.

Yes. And I didn't know what. But I had to go with a family. Yeah. Who weren't my own. So I didn't know what noise you meant to make. What's the etiquette? If I'm sat behind them.

Really sexual, like that. Make that noise. Fucking hell. Fucking all. Like that. We're really angry. Great, great. Be really sarcastic.

Oh, now what? Oh, now what? Look at the fucking booze advert. That's another earworm that's in there forever. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Lost my job. That one.

Yeah, it's company policy. I'm going to have to let you go, Oh, that's just great, Matt. No car, no job. Now what? So what's it going to be? Just two points. I think of this.

Yeah, that'd be great, thanks, man. Listeners, please look up this advert. The guy died, I think, last year. The barman? The actor, yeah. How do you know this? Because I think I saw people paying tribute to him online. But it was obviously like, you know,

in so many sort of great theatre productions and stuff like that. And everyone had it begrud and he go, the guy from the advert, the guy from the fucking advert. He gave the best cherry tree I ever saw a yes, the man from the advert. It's that. It's like how Alec Guinness hated Star Wars and then was obviously known as like Star Wars guys. Mr. Star Wars, Mr. Star Wars. Sign my Star Wars.

I'm afraid Mr. Star Wars passed away in the early hours of this morning. It's very funny to have people constantly go up to you and people to reply to them grow up. Is that what he did? Yeah. He basically would just be like, come on, man. What are you? like 40 fucking grow up, come on. It's so funny to do that.

You were in it. How dare you? You were in it? I'm not that weird. But he thought he was in like, it was the equivalent of being in an episode of Doctor Who, which they also all did. Yeah.

Apparently, if you go up to someone who did anything in Doctor Who and start talking about Doctor Who, they just immediately like activate every possible evacuation emergency. It's so great, man. Wow, fantastic. Tapping buttons on the desk start there. They immediately start doing that level of James Bond

looking for an escape group. Yeah, yeah. skylight, staircase, like, discombobulate. Discombobululate. Wait a minute, you were in the episode where the doctor, discombobulate. Yeah, Doctor Who conventions are just people getting punched by Karen Gillott.

Constantly discombobulated. Fuck off. Just putting a full tardis. What's going on? He told me it was a fan. Full tardis up the ass. Discombobulate. Ah! Discombobulet.

Just fighting your way through. That would be a good game. Find you away through Comic-Con. Yeah, and you're a sort of like, not washed up, but someone who's like known for a... You have a wonderful crib, like a group of fans know you for this one thing. Essentially the premise of Galaxy Quest.

I want a cross between the movie Galaxy Quest and the movie Falling Down. Yes. I want an aging Doctor Who type star to just flip. It would be funny, I think, to go into the Barbers with a picture of Michael Douglas from falling down.

Not just because it's a weird haircut, right, 80s spiked up. Yeah. But I think it'd be very funny when we spoke about taking pictures to the hairdressers. And I've had a tremendous show of support. Yes, people have said it's not strange. It's not crazy to take in a picture of yourself to the headdresser. Yes. Big framed A3. A tapestry.

Nude painting. Yeah. And if the pubes could be like this? We don't do that. I'm the 120 to the left. That's it. That's me. That's my school picture.

I'm the one next to Judas, scary it. Yeah. But take in a photo of someone from like a bad situation. Like a hostage video. Can I look like this? What's this from? It doesn't matter.

The internet. Even if it's like a picture of like Bill Gates's mug shot. Why can you just choose a picture of Bill Gates? I like this one. Bringing in a... Bringing in the picture of George Bush being told about 9-11 while he's reading that book. and you want to look like the advisor's haircut. This guy here, the one talking to the man reading the book.

George W. Bush. Yeah, whoever. So he's George W. Bush. No, the guy sitting is. Well, I don't care. The other one name. Take the picture of the Saddam Hussein statue. Could I look like that?

Just like that. Just like that. Taking a picture of Saddam Hussein being taken up the hole. Yeah, I just want a kind of long comb. You don't have enough hair. How do I get it like that? How do I get it like that? You need to wait.

How long? I want more hair in video games that give you more hair. Glue it on. So you want extensions. No, I want my hair to be long. It'd be like a four-year-old who doesn't understand things. Because I wonder how far you could push it. A picture of like E.T. when he gets ill.

For pale E. When he's like a dog poo. Because all horrible and crispy. I wanted him to be gone That bit I wanted him to be gone I'd really loved him up until that point But that point it was like

You gotta go home now You're kicking him out of a pub You've got any word to go for him Elliot ringing a bell Yeah it's time to go man Lights up lights up You're scaring my sister You've been staying at my house

For fucking ages Ooh Yeah I know I know I know I know You can't Go home if you can but you can't stay here Yeah Passing one of his little business cards

It's like your night is over You've been a wonderful guest but you must go now What is that from? What is that? I think it's just to ground to like X It was like a card that was being handed out to the pub That was like if you leave quietly now You're settled up, leave quietly now And don't kick up a fuss

Then you'll have had a great evening But it's time for you to go I can't imagine the level of anger and injustice you would feel if you got handed one of those within like half an hour of arrival. Anandos. I had a Diet Coke and a chicken butterfly. What do you mean? I think you've had enough. Just the way you've been.

The way you've been. The way you've been. You look like you were going to have too much yogurt. Koji to all the pod buds who've been coming to see me on tour. Hopefully more of the extra shows in Leeds and in Oxford and in Cambridge come see me. a whole bunch at Piano Belli.com I was on the train

between tour shows and there was a guy wearing headphones and he had two sandwiches like two baguette supermarket baguettes which was every sandwich I had in Australia

I wasn't prepared for how they make you two sandwiches yeah yeah it's insane I couldn't finish any sandwich I had I'm not like sandwiches

I'm not really a bread boy but you told me the sandwiches in Australia are incredible and every single one I had was impossible to finish and absolutely amazing. Shout out to Daniel Muggeton, my sandwich guide in all things.

The comedian, my sandwich dealer. The sandwich dealer. Daniel Muggeton. There's Batchez. Snitsch is coming. It's really good stuff. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sydney-based comedian, check him out. He even found amazing sandwiches in Edinburgh. Oh, man. Like, multiple places that I'd never heard of. So we exist.

They're out there, but we just got to ask Dan. My culture is not your sandwich. Yeah. But my sandwich is your culture. So, too, to get. sandwiches, two baguettes, from M&S, whatever. And he was eating them with his mouth open in like an insane, like, it almost had to be deliberate. To like piss someone off?

Well, no, but in that excessive a way. Like the, I won't make the noise, but. Yeah, full on like jaw at maximum. A lion, a lion eating. A jaw at maximum extension for each bite with a maximum amount of mayonnaise in mouth. it was the way an alien would sarcastically eat to make fun of how humans eat

I'm human I'm chewing nah nah insane it's what I would do if I was playing charades yeah yeah yeah and I just I think

a lot of people with misophonia or any other related thing with autism or ADHD lots of people of misophonia you get quite good at sort of just completely I think I should be honorarily seen as not like the top level of monk, but like level three. Yeah, yeah.

For restraint and... I can just take all that... It's not Zen. It's not Zen. But can you? Because I'm not getting it. Yeah, but at the time, I didn't leap up and punch him, which is what I wanted to do. Yeah.

I wanted to kill him with my hands. I literally, I genuinely thought, let's imagine a world in which I'm invincible. Yeah. He was sat on his own on a train table of four I would have sat next to him I would have taken his headphones off from his head and gone, listen man, you can't eat like that

anymore. Yeah, you've had a wonderful evening but your night is over. Your train journey is over. You're getting off at Milton Key. I know you don't live there. You're getting off at Milton Keynes. I know a train's not going there.

I'm going to push you out of the train through the toilet. You can't eat like that anymore. What do you mean? you're with your mouth open it's not allowed you can't do it anymore you have to wear a muzzle

or have a teetail over your head like Autaland bunting yeah because you should be ashamed I'm going to grab the top of your head and then I'm going to grab your jaw and I'm going to show you what I mean by chewing properly

with my hands like this that's what I wanted to do but I didn't I just went what a world we live in and I let it all go I was nervous on the flight back from but I'll never forget it

Would you see, would you recognize the guy if he saw him again? Decent chance, yeah. I was... Only in a lineup situation if you asked me to recognize it. Yeah, I did, last week... He had quite a generic head. Ten hour flight from Sydney to South Korea. And we arrived in the evening and we stayed at hotel.

And then the next afternoon, we had a 14-hour flight from South Korea to London Heathrow. And the wreck on the second flight just couldn't really get his head around the fact of you can't get off the plane. Oh, yeah. Because the wretch is four? Yeah, they just had a complete fucking meltdown And it was, and for some reason So the wretch was like the unreliable guy from aliens Like, I'm gonna get off, we're gonna get off!

It was that and for some reason, everyone else around us Despite the flight being, say, midday The second the flight took off went, Time to have my most peaceful sleep Ah, and everyone put the eye mask on it Everyone's wearing like a nighty for some reason And everyone's going, everyone's Hawkshaw, me, me, me, me, me. The wee Willy Winky flight.

But we really winky flight. And it was like... The air hostess is going around with a big tree, tray of candles on little trays. Yes, yeah, yeah. And if you need to stand up to a toilet and go, halt, who goes there? I was like, what the fuck is everyone doing? Of course, he's not going to stay quiet. A flight at this hour?

People keep saying things like that. Even the pilots, like, rubbing his eyes, go, oh! And the Ratchcavenant in Meltdown, and I was so worried someone was going to come over and be like, I'll kill all of you. I felt the need. I really wanted to stand next to the stewards and stewardesses at the end of a flight as they're saying, thank you so much, have a nice day. I really wanted to stand next to him and go, I'm so sorry.

to everyone as they went past. I'm so sorry. You're so aware, you're the most hated people on the plane. But so how are you trying to explain this to the wretch? I'm treating it like a vicious dog in an Arnold Schwarzenegger comedy. Nice doggie. Please, shut up, shut up. Please, please, please.

I'll give you whatever you want. What's he saying? Why can't I get off? No, I want to get. I don't want to be here. I want to get off. I don't want to watch this. No!

I'm like, you're annoying everyone. I'm not annoying anyone. I mean, just wanting to get up and run around the plane. You go, shut up. But did he understand eventually why he couldn't get off? Yeah, but he couldn't understand why he couldn't just run around the plane yelling. Everyone's trying to sleep. Never not.

There's a man awake. I can see there's a man, that man's awake. Oh, no. Shut up, shut up. Oh, no. Because it's not going to get us both killed. It's not going to soothe anyone to say, if we open the door, you will be fired into icy oblivion. Yeah, yeah.

Like, your fault, you're doom. You'll be dead before you can blink. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You see out that window, death. Death is out there. Do you understand the concept of death? Death, invisible death.

They can get you at any time, yes. Am I getting through to you? Let me show you some photos. It was just 14 hours of pure concentration. Of just, please, please don't make a noise. Oh, my God. You've just a quiet place. It was a quiet place.

You were in a 14 hour long. In which I was surrounded by the sleeping aliens. Immersive version of the quiet place. Yeah. You and your wretch were having to walk through also like the bit an alien with all the eggs. Yeah? Where if you make too much noise, they open.

Yeah? Oh my God. I don't watch a single minute of In-Flight Entertainment. I really thought the day wasn't going to end. At what point, so it didn't subside the despair of the wretch? Occasionally because you'd then, you go, settling, okay, how about you watch this movie? Just watch this movie, please. I was like, but you watch any movie you want.

Just watch Saw. Forever. Just fucking watch Saw. But it'll be that sanitised plane version where it goes on for 10 minutes because they can't show you anything Well, actually we had some good correspondence Speaking of sore

Speaking of sore Mail letter Post message E-mail notes text dispatches Hello Not non

correspondence We've heard From Benedict from Bourneville Hi Benedict from Bourneville Dear Glenn and piano Billy I missed that name. So funny. Piano Billy.

I was, because I was so confused when, at the time we were both at Absolute Radio, you on Saturdays and me on Monday to Friday, and coming in one Monday to find a framed picture of you in like a barbershop quartet outfit, your face being photoshopped into it, it said, please welcome Piano Billy. I was like, what the fuck is this? Have you mentioned it on here before what that was? It's the auto-subtitling of Spotify and the radio.

generally. And also you were introduced once as Frank's going to support and someone misheard here. I introduced myself as Frank's going to support. And yeah, a lady in the audience said, who's piano belly?

When I briefly had a job bringing up hotels trying to convince them to have vending machines at which I failed. Right. They thought I was saying piano belly. Which is a lot more like bluesy

in Louisiana. Piano belly. Big belly. Every couple of years there'll be like a death in the world. The Grammys every year, they'll be paying tribute to someone who's always called the Godfather of soul.

Yeah. Every year they can't have been a new one. We would have heard of this one. We would have heard of this one. They're all presented as being each more important than the last. Yeah, and you go, no, they didn't have that impact. Did they? Yeah.

Also, all the photos are in black and white, and you think, they only just died. He used to play the tree. Come on. There's pictures of him with Elvis, and he's old in the picture. Yeah. What is happening? That's Piano Belly, absolutely.

It's like, he invented the string. No, really? You look it up and it's true. Yeah. I think that can't. Can't be. Dear Glenn and Piano Billy, and then some lovely redacted praise.

Thank you, Benedict. You mentioned about films to watch on a plane. In 2018, I watched the shape of water whilst on a flight to the Middle East. Oh, the game to a tour of film where the mum from Paddington... Well, hold on to your hat. Sorry. I thought it was a brilliant film,

and one that my teenage children would enjoy. So I recommended that they watch it. They did, and then in fury, asked me why I had made them watch a fish man have sex with Paddington's mum. None of that had been in the very clean version I had seen. Clearly, the plane had shown me the family-friendly version, or rather

the Middle East friendly version. Keep on Jackie and Benedict from Bourneville. So the shape of water with no fishman fucking at all. Just a lady being quite nice to a fish man out of nowhere. It's pretty crucial because she's being nice to him and out of nowhere she just strips naked and gets into the bath with him. She just decides that she wants to bang the fish man, yeah.

Yeah. And at no point gets any real idea about whether the fish man quite knows what's going on. It does, yeah, is it fully consensual for the fish man? I worry about the fish man. I think about him often. I think of him often. Yeah, that's... That'd be quite a funny joke to play on someone.

Get like a locket and like always have it around your neck and never mention it. And then leave it lying around. And then someone one day sneakily will go, I wonder who's in his locket. and it's just the fish man from the shape of water. A picture from the Black Lagoon. But like a black and white still from like the 1950s. And they can't ask you about it because then they'd have to admit they were snooping. Yes.

But for years they just think, what the fuck? I considered doing this. Someone kept stealing my bread. A radio station I used to work out. Yeah, yeah. And so I considered, and I couldn't really talk to them about it because I hadn't like caught them in the act. I just had my suspicions.

So I considered putting a slice, a piece of paper in between two slices saying, stop stealing my bread, you can't. Because they can't go to HR. No. No. They've done the crime. Yeah. And I want to put their name on it and go, I know it's you.

Or just, hello, Derek. Yeah. Enjoy the bread. Yeah. Won't you? I wish I'd done it. I think you should do it. Or I should have just brought in mouldy, mouldy bread.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or just cover it in chili powder or something crazy. Some kind of psycho bread. Yeah. Yeah. Well, speaking of psycho bread, which means nothing. We're going to go to the Patreon now. Yes.

Time to go, do a little Patreon episode. If you join the Patreon, you get an extra episode. you get an extra episode a week and a George Potter month and on the higher tier, a film pod. And we need to do a new scheme, a new heist. We did Shen Yun part. Yes. I think the next one will be Cafe Concerto. We'll go for an evening at Cafe Concerto and eat an enormous birthday cake.

And explain what it's for. Just work out what it is. So you don't have to. Not to deprive them off the business, but that we could do an Aberdeen or Angus Steakhouse. Oh, fuck, yeah. Tourist Chet. Yeah, but I think Cafe Concerto is going to be the next one. Yes.

But send us the experiences you think we should. ourselves's experience. Yeah, a bit like Shen Yun, where you see it and you think, I'll never go to that, but I'd like to know what it is. So we can tell you. We'll tell you. See you next week. Goji.

Bye-bye, Koji.