BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E52 | Chia Seed Man

Episode Date: June 10, 2026

Youtube version available here!This week the buds discuss one year of Glenn on BudPod, gigantism, Easy Hotels and wackaging correspondence.This week's sketch: 'Matrix Flatmate'Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back! In Bath! Tickets available here - https://komediabath.co.uk/events/128649554-budpod-live-2026-11-03-19-00-00/Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVPierre is on tour across the UK, Ireland and Netherlands!Tickets available now at https://www.pierrenovellie.com/Vote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 52. Pover. 52. Yeah? Yeah. A year. A year. Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary, darling. I thought you'd forgotten. And then you brought me her blindfolded into the shed and I thought he remembered. He remembered. Yeah. But it was just because I didn't want you to see what I'd done. The blindfold was irrelevant. Yes.

Yeah. The podcast, yeah. I think it'd be funny to take someone on a, like a birthday experience, like the big surprises we're going to take one, a speedboat on the Thames or whatever. And you blindfold them on the way there, but also you blindfold them during the whole experience. And then after you take the blindfold off

and you tell them what you did. You went around the British Museum. He went on the London Eye. Yeah, you went on the London Eye earlier. You met Daniel Craig. That was his hand. That was his voice. Oh, I see.

He spun you around. And every time they're about to go for the blindfold, go, ah, ah, ah. Not yet. No. Not yet. You'll ruin the surprise. And then at the end, you take it off and they're back in the hotel room.

They show you photos of what you did. It's like you're naked. Naked in the sea. And you go, but I don't remember being naked and soaking wet. So how did you do that bit? Why's my head lolling backwards like that? You were so excited. Look, you were at the auction from Taken.

Really? Really? I'm on the stage, but if I look in the background, I'm bidding. as well. How is that possible? Well, it was your birthday. They let you do both. Gosh, it doesn't feel like a year.

A year of Bud Pond, series two. It's been silly. It's been very, very silly. It's been very silly. I think it's a good time for us, I think it's a good time for us to call it quits. That's a clean. We did one year and we're out.

Yeah, yeah. So yeah, right, I'm going to get an Uber. Be so, I'm trying to think what would be hardest to explain? It would be hard to explain that. And then who... What to who? To the listener. Right.

I've left. That you've just gone now after a year. I think that would be hard to explain. And who would be the hardest to explain replacement for you? I mean, Phil's back. I mean, Phil's back. That'd be really funny. It would be like when George Laysenby did an emergency secret service.

And then they went back to Shorten Connery after. And they were like, no. Yeah, we made a mistake with him. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was doing a podcast this morning. I was in the Always Be comedy podcast. I was talking about James Bond.

Shouted to ABC. Best Comedy Club around. If you manage to get a chance to go to London, either Kennington or Chelsea. They run several shows each week. We were talking about James Bond because we were talking about 007 First Light, the new game, the video game. So that's come out. And I was saying that I'm happy that I'm still younger than any James Bond has ever been.

Because I thought Daniel Craig was the youngest. It actually turns out it was George Lazy-Bee was 29. So I accidentally on a podcast implied that I'm 28 years on. So, yeah, all the way to correct that. Like a Hollywood starlet. Roger Moore was the... Roger Moore wasn't bonded until he was like 48 or something like that.

He was fucking old. Yeah. It's so strange. But it worked. I guess. I mean, like... They were pretty good. I mean...

He was in loads. He was in so many. The problem with the Roger Moore ones, I think Adam Buxton was talking about. about this at some point over the years. And he, like, you know, when someone says something and you go, oh, of course, that's what was unsettling about that. Like, you'd noticed it, but you couldn't articulate why.

Yeah. Bond is such a madman pre-the-60s revolution figure. Yeah. And then in all these, like, late 60s and, like, 70s Bond films, it's this time traveler, essentially, wearing, like, a Monte Carlo white tucks at, like, a grubby late 70s Vegas casino. Yeah. And it's like, ugh.

Yeah, you can't be. Everyone's going to spot you when you're in like octopusy or whatever. Yeah. Everyone around you is a fucking Manson family member, co-cared ex-hippie. Fucking stunk. Yeah. They're like baking hot country wearing like two tuxedos.

Yeah. And then you're standing next to a bunch of people wearing like flared jeans with like the most insane facial hair and like colored glasses. See, he was Austin Powers. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It didn't make any sense that he was there.

And he's trying to be like a lot of them. martini while people are just like screaming at each other for beer. Yeah, he's in a weather spoons. Yeah. Are these nuts free? Yeah. Yuck! This is not sophisticated.

I think they can't go back after Daniel Craig. You can't then go back to silly. It needs to get grittier and grittier and grittier. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The next bond needs to look horrible. The next bond needs to look like Gordon Ramsey levels of Craggly Head. Yes. Great deep rolls of wrinkle.

Yes, first bond to have like prosthetics. Yeah, yeah. The next bond. Yeah, he'd be like Aaron Taylor Johnson. It was like, he had to be in makeup for six hours a day to give him like an enormous forehead. Like the Grinch. He's got the Grinch's smile.

Yeah. You're a suave one, Mr. Bond. He looks like Pascal Savage from Johnny English. Double scars. One eye patch. Like, this is so haggard. No teeth. Fancy dress shop Bond.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alternating teeth. Yes, because he's bought, like, Pirate Sparrow outfit. Rum captain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bond needs to get increasingly gritty to the point where it's like, oh, yeah, Bond is just so over the years, almost without us noticing,

has just become a kind of heroin-addicted pimp. Yeah, whenever they go, Bond always gets the girl. What they mean is, no, no. he kidnaps a young girl. Yeah, Bond is a kind of human trafficker for a rogue part of the royal family. Yeah, it's our first Eastern European Bond. And he's from like a country that they never tell you what the country is.

But it's called like Melestinia. They just keep referencing the Civil War. It's very vague. The conflict. Welcome to Epstein Island, Mr. Bond. We trust you'll enjoy your stay. What brings you to Epstein Island, Mr. Bond? I wonder to feel young again.

Pleasure. Well, you're certainly in the right place to feel young. By some sort of like Dracula's assistant. Yeah. They always have a guy like that meet him at the airport with a Panama hat on. And he has to get choked out with a watchstrap. Yeah. I would love to watch that. Bon takes on the Pido Cabal.

Because they never get that dark. It'd be so funny. Bon takes on the kind of fictional. The thing that exists in the mind of people on Twitter. That cabal. Yes. So you get that kind of like... I call it Petragate.

Bond doesn't work for M.I.6 for years. He's just been doing loads of research online. Bond, yeah, Bonn just keeps taking a briefcase, dressing like that and going and sitting in the park near Vauxhall. This book's called Gorilla Mindset. He's like 2016 Brain Rot. It's just being thrilled. Looks like you've read the game, too.

Yeah. Nice peacock and goldfinger. Your mission is to infiltrate Benghazi and work out what happened. Well, the brave died, the politicians lied. And the American brain rod as well. So embarrassing for a British fight. They don't care about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They don't think about you at all. I would love that. I would love that. I kind of, you know, like the war room in Dr. Strange Love, but full of, like, famous P-Dos. Yeah. But he's... Michael Jackson's in there. Why?

Because they like his music. We're really playing him again on all the radio stations. Have you noticed? Oh, it's because the movie's out, I think. Everyone's just so excited. You know, I saw a great tweet review of the movie. It was like, wow, it's such an interesting film about how that level of, like, familial abuse, and then, like, early fame, early money, early exposure.

which really makes you grow up into a completely normal guy. Really nice guy. Yeah, here's what the film's about. Does the public get rapidly cut off at like 32? Yeah. Oh, really? It's like the film's made by like his estate. It's an official film.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. The official story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Do they cover him having like a theme park or anything like that in his garden? It's very pond villain-like. He's got one glove. It's all there.

No, it was to Bonnard's pet. Hey, Mr. Bond. You want to have a sleepover? Mr. Bond's strapped to the front of a Choo Choo Tram. You'll never get away with us, Jackson. Oh, I think I will. Chew what, have your Bardem's character?

Chew your food, Mr. Bond. Mommy was very naughty. Yeah. Yeah, I can't imagine. Like, it's so weird. just hearing on the radio because I just think Peterfile, pitiful, Peterfell, Peterfell, Peterfile, Peterfoy, Peterfile.

It was like when they played Gary Glitter in the Joker film. But that was like, you go, yeah. Nantes. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah. It's a fight song for a big hockey team in North America. I can remember which one. Yeah, yeah, because you got famous over there for that one song,

and then they stopped learning anything about it. Yeah. It's tricky, but also I think it makes a team more menacing. God does this song as a paed a lot. Like, whoa. Every one of their players. Everyone involved is a criminal. So you're saying it's like being a member of the Buckingham Palace, like the Guards regiments,

like you have to be above six feet tall. Yes. You have to be some kind of sex criminal to be on this hockey team. Yes. Yeah, that is frightening. I didn't know that about the Buckingham Palace guards. I think they may have dropped it because no one wants to join the army anymore for a long time. But for a long, long time, there was a height restriction on being a guard in the guard regiments,

or the lifeguards, a cavalry, royal household cavalry, and being a policeman. You couldn't be a policeman if you weren't tall. It was not possible. If you had flat feet, that was another thing as well? Yeah, flat feet was a general military service get-out. Bonespurs sort of thing. I don't know. I think it was like you'll just cripple yourself in boots or something.

Yeah. Something weird. But genuinely, like, if you were a policeman, like, you couldn't have a beard, you couldn't have tattoos, you had to be above six feet. Like, it was, they all had a visual type. One identical policeman. They were just like a massive bloke with no beard or tattoos. Yeah.

It's a henchmen. They were henchmen. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Robert Woddlow would have been such a good, fucking a palace guard. Biggest around. What's going on here, though? He picks the queen out of her window each morning.

Here you are, Mom. Did you ever hear him speak? No. It's that. It must be. Come on. His voice is genuinely the voice of a giant. He was interviewed on like a radio show.

And he obviously had like a go-to joke of like, what do you know, what do you do when people make fun of your height? He goes, oh, I just overlook them. Oh, very good. But he's so like, I'm just a happy giant man. Because his limbs are so. so long as well it was like a sort of flailing puppet for some like pagan festival. He just sort of like lumber around. Do you think he, it's like like a weird sort of like large praying mantis.

Yeah. Do you think he got into like a limousine and drove away from the radio station and be like, thanks for Harvard. Yeah, he gets in a lot. He just lies down in the back. We lie down and goes, those fucking assholes, I can't believe. My voice is killing me. Get me a cigarette. Take me hell.

Take me hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really little tiny voice. It sounds like Truman Capote. Oh, damn. He was so phenomenally large. I went to uni with a guy who was 6'7 when we started uni, and I think he was about 6'9 by the end.

Wow. He had to take various sort of steroids to try to slow. He had the exact same thing that most of the tallest people in the world have. Yeah. Which is like a piturity gland thing that just doesn't stop producing like a growth hormone. Yes, it just keeps on going. So I did say to him, I was like, do you ever consider just not? It's probably a really offensive question.

Sorry to ask you this, Ben, but do you ever consider just stopping the medication and trying to beat that world record? Think of the coverage you'd get of, like, you'd be nine foot tall, because the only reason Robert Waddley died was because he... Well, eventually got so big. He had to wear leg braces. Yeah. And one of the leg braces cut his leg and he got an infection and died. When he was like 23 or something like that. Yes, it was pre-antibiotics. Yeah. And he was also in like...

It was like 1920s he was around. I think so... He was like so... Like, it was like movement was a struggle for him. Yeah. I think he was about, it was something like he was like six foot by the age of five. This is the honey, I blurt the baby. Six foot baby.

There's a picture of him in like the scouts and he's like towering over everybody. It looks like, it looks like a ghost. It looks haunted. I felt so sorry for him, but also I was just like, oh, what a shame that he died so early because at the rate he was going, he would have been like 20 foot tall. But you'd feel like such a fanny if you ruined your own life by not taking your fucking medicine and then you stopped naturally at 7 foot 8.

So your life is over. Yeah, and you're not the tallest. And you're not the winner. Yeah. That would suck. Tallest person you've ever seen? Ooh. A family friend who I think was 7 foot tall, maybe 7 foot one.

That's fucking crazy. I think he was 7 feet tall. He's really, really tall. Certain people are really tall and you don't notice. Like, for instance, I don't have a tall personality. People are always really surprised from my height. Now, I am like 2 inches shorter than you. No one...

Everyone is horrified when I come off stage at how tall I am, and no one remembers me being as tall as I am. Yeah, people often say to me, I forget your height. I think that is to our credit. I'm happy with that. I'm fine with it. I would like to be... I think it means we don't impose on people. Maybe it's that.

But certain people have like a lankiness to the night. Peter Crouch. Yeah. Or I'd say Richard Osman, something's done. I've walked through Glasgow with Richard Osman before when we were doing House of Games. Yeah. And...

money. Yes. Like in the Godfather. Boom. All these Glasgowian women with headscarves coming out. Yeah. Yeah, he's like walking through

Glasgow Sicilian market and he's like taking a bite from an apple. He's got a white cape. Kissing someone. I remember a really surreal advert that came out years ago. It was Kit Harrington. It was John Snow in Game of Thrones. And he's like walking through that's in Sicilian

Village and he's like dancing with an non-a and then he sort of like takes an apple and he takes a bite and throws it behind him. And he's like waving at everyone, but I'm like, are you just a guy doing this confidently? Like, are you playing Kit Harrington? Yeah. And this town has embraced you. Or are you just everyone's like, who the fuck is that?

Who's that? I don't know. He comes to my nan. The camera pans over his shoulder and there's a mob of angry Sicilian men with, like, clubs and invests. It's like Frankenstein. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Through the fruit on the floor. So rude.

What a fucking rude, weird guy. That's a goth. He danced with another. The curly head ghost. Oh, hey man, I was wondering if I could get that 20 quid from the other day. What if I told you that money, as you call it, was just a construction, something that isn't real. Okay, but... What if I told you that what you think of as your money or my money is just a number?

Something that people in charge have... made up for us to believe in. Yes. Well, that is how it works. What if I told you, money was just a story we're told, or worse, an illusion. Am I going to get the money back? What if I told you the milk in the fridge was an illusion as well? How would you feel then?

Are you saying you drank the milk? What I'm trying to say is, I spent and drank your illusions. Right. How can you be upset? They were never real. And nor am I, or you. Not in this form. Okay, but here's the thing.

There's a way to find out the truth. I think you've already told me the truth. You just said you drank it. Here. Two pills. Why your hands wet? Take one? No.

And you'll wake up tomorrow morning in bed, but no memory of this interaction like nothing ever happened. So is a roofy? But take the other pill. Uh-huh. And you'll start to see things. my way so okay hang on one of them is

a roofie and the other one is what like bad ecstasy or are they both roofies there's a crime the law is an illusion okay yeah I'm just I think I'm wasting my time here I can see you're starting to understand yeah you could say that you could say I'm starting to

understand look man you have to you have to get a job you really have to get a job an illusion yes yeah I know I know, but it's an illusion that you have to fucking join in with. Oh, I have far more important work than you know. And your coat, your coat, while I'm here, your coat stinks. It's the middle of summer and you're still, I know you're a goth or whatever, but... Well, it's not really...

I don't know. Can you dry clean that? It's like a... No. Can you dry clean leather? I don't think so. Do whatever. There's gotta be something you can do.

do, right? If it's leather, people, people couldn't have just left it like that forever. Smell is an illusion. And it's hand wash only. Speaking of Roos. Were you walking through Glasgow with Richard Osmond? Walking through Glasgow. Yeah, but I was just so struck of like, oh, he's like four inches taller than me, but actually visually, he looked like, he looked like grown up to when you're a toddler. Have you seen that thing where it's like, let me get this right? They prove.

this with like a psychological experiment, even though it doesn't make actual sense. For some people, 10 pounds is 15 pounds, but for some people, 10 pounds is 5 pounds. Do you see what I mean? Yes. Yes, I do. I do see what you mean. Yeah. So, like, it's about how things feel, even though mathematically it's a bang in the middle. Yeah. So, and I think if you are our heights, which is, you're 6-2. 3. 6. Yeah.

No, I'm three foot two. Sorry, three foot two. We're about the same height. 6, 3, 6, 4. That's the total. But I think there's a tremendous... I think you were so much taller than me. Genuinely, I really do.

I think you're so much taller than me. But you are two inches tall of them. How much of your height is your hair? You've got such thicker hair. No, but it's quite flat. I don't have a haircut. I need to have a haircut. I really need to have a haircut.

But I don't... I don't men lose... Losing. Yeah, because... It implies a don't have a hollow bowl head. It's just flat like a table. And it comes upwards and out. Like a cheer seat man.

Like a sancho bomb, yeah. But we're at the high end of the range of normal heights. Yes. So people go, gosh, what a tall brackets normal man. Yes, there are some. Above us, it's what a fucking hot, insanely tall person. Basketball player. Yeah.

What's happening? I am, there are some rides I cannot go on. Yeah, I slept in an easy hotel on tour. Treat myself. And my legs were too long for the bed. And I don't know how that's possible. Do you ever try to sleep diagonally? You go right, head goes in the top right corner,

legs go in the bottom left? Ah, I just sleep like a fetus. I just have to curl up like I've been traumatized by the easy hotel. Yeah, or you splay your legs so much that they dangle over the horizontal sides. Yeah. I sleep with my knees bent down. Yes, yeah, yeah.

Like I'm about to just rock it upwards. into a chair. Yeah, I have started to bed so small once. I slept with my feet on the floor. I turned around on my feet on my feet. A chair. As if I was just going to rise up to a standing position. Yeah, an incredible calf strength or something.

Yes. Just, look at fucking hot. Oh, God. My Easy Hotel, I book it through Booking.com. So I always get the one they can't or don't want to sell. So even within the realm of the Easy Hotel, I get the shit room. Yeah. I'm on the ground floor, I'm in the basement.

Your eye mask that you got in Leicester. Nottingham. And there wasn't even an easy hotel. That was actually a nice hotel. That's the only reason I bothered complaining. My friend Tom and I, we went to California about 10 years ago, straight after I left the Edinburgh fringe. Yeah.

And we went to San Francisco, and someone told us of an app that I cannot remember the name of it, but we didn't have it in the UK. And I hope there is an equivalent now. But we didn't have it in the UK, where you use it in the evening, if you want to hotel room, and hotels live. list themselves as just like these are the rooms we've got going, and they're so much cheaper, because they're the ones the hotel couldn't give away.

And it doesn't tell you to stop you from going directly to the hotel. It doesn't tell you, it gives you a vague radius of, right, we've got a hotel in this area of town, and you have to commit to it, and then once you've committed, it tells you what the hotel is. We did it a couple of times. It was so cheap. It was great. We don't have that here, as far as I know.

I would, oh, that's very tempting. That's very tempting. And, I mean, I've been placed, like, the front door of the room, like where you scan the key card next to the lift. Oh, yeah. As in like, you go like, elevator, elevator, my room on the same wall.

Yeah. You go, what was this built? This could not have been a room before. What the fuck? I've been there. I've been in a basement, so not only no windows, because easy hotel,

but like underground darkness. Never been in a basement. And it was like, like musty, like, oh. And then, In the last couple of days on tour, Koji to everyone who's come to see me, by the way, the main part of the tour is over. There are extra dates at the end of June and start of July.

Wow. A few extra. The never-ending tour. Yeah. The never-ending joking. I was in, like, there were ground floor disabled room. So I thought, ah,

seat in the shower. Yeah. Okay, cool. I went in. The bed was like five foot long. So I was like, well, that can't be the disobey, disability you've planned for.

There are tall disabled people. Yes. Fine, okay, I didn't fit in the bed. Very, like, noisy aircon unit in there that repeatedly just went like... Like a fly zapper. Yeah, or like it was being short-circuited. And they would just be fine. And be like, what is that?

And then, see, like, locked behind a glass, like, display case almost. The fuse box. Oh, handy. Meaning, you could turn off lights in other people's rooms if you wanted to. Locked under a glass. last case. Ah. But because it's the fuse box, e.g.

needed for emergencies, which for some reason is in my room where I could be fully naked and asleep. Massive green emergency light next to it. Built into the fucking wall. I always feel so bad for any, like, theater production or anything that has, like,

the blackest of blackouts you've ever had. And then you suddenly have been, there's this running green man next to the stage. And I'm like, let's say, can we just turn it off just this once? Yeah. I promise there won't be. a fire. We'll check to make sure there's not a fire.

Because if there is a fire, we'll be able to fucking see it because it's so dark. So just dim it. Yeah. What do we all agree before the show, we know where the exit is. Just fucking dim it. I tell you what, yeah, if there's during this two second blackout, just for the actual effect, I won't go immediately start freaking out.

I won't start smoking a cigar. Yeah, built into the fucking wall next to the building's fuse box, which is where I'm sleeping. You can't hang anything over it. No, it's flush with the wall. And it is like, bright. It's like as bright as those illegal lasers

that people were trying to fuck with planes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If that was outside, it would cause plane crashes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the entire room looks like, Mr. Oogabooge's room. Yeah.

Because it's all, like, haunted green, like bright enough that I tried sleeping looking away from that wall. Yeah. Still too green. Fuck. So... Can I just say on laser pointers, by the way?

You should immediately be hired to recruit for the military. If you were able to aim it at a fucking pilot in the sky, like, I'm so impressed when people can do that. We're building a team. Yeah. A team of the shittiest kids in the country. Yeah, the sniper in Saving Private Ryan had an origin story

where he was like making the Wright brothers crash out of the sky. When the war broke out, and the recruiting sergeant said they could use a man like me. Up to that point, I'd just been blinding tourists. So what do you think I did? I think you buried your head between two pillows. Between two of the thinnest pillows in Christendom? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're eating a pillow's ass. Your face is in the middle. Right. And you bury your face that way. It's difficult to breathe. I can't sleep face down or with my mouth covered. I can't do it. Was the shower a bit of a check-offs gun from you there?

Did you sleep in the bathroom? Oh, I could have fully dragged the mattress into the huge echoing bathroom. It's like sore. It was like Bond. We're doing Casino Royale. And to go to bed, you slide down the wall crying. The Bond experience. Slept on the floor?

I took a lesson. I took a lesson from our old friend, the wasp. Okay. What do you think that means? Firstly, don't ever call the wasp a friend of mine. Don't assume I like it. I hate them. Our old friend, the wasp.

Our old friend the wasp. And you... You, um, oh, made sure you were in the same room as me. Yeah, you do attract the wasp. Oh, fuck, I can smell fair. No, I don't know what you mean. I made a paper mashay light cover. Oh, fuck, you fucking art attacked.

I did, I art attacked it. Except imagine, instead of a normal episode of Art Attack, bathed in an eerie, green glow is a fully nude, incredibly hairy man. So you're so... Muttering swear words. Did you soak loads of loo roll. Smushing loo roll on the wall. Like some sort of, bock, bock, bock.

Yeah, some sort of like... I'm so tired. Yeah. I soaked it only in hand soap, no water. Okay. Because I thought that's going to be sticky. I fumed it all up. Like, gloopy.

Right. Gloopy. And it worked? Yes, it worked long enough for me to fall asleep. And then at some point in the night, half of the layers fell off. Well, I was going to be an awful way to wake up is the sound of... And blinding light at the same time.

A blinding green light in the sound of wet plopping. Like, um, like a cargo, the back of a cargo plane has opened. Fuck. And a turd has come in. Yeah. And clapped onto the solid surface of the floor. It's like, I remember. Also, the floor's not carpeted.

That's where. It was all like a weird echoing room. Right. Oh, so you were definitely in like the utility room. You put those of washing machines. And it was like massive. It was so strange. Yeah. It's, um, it, I remember you, show me an article.

a picture years ago of, like, Victorian mouse traps, and they used, like, gunpowder. And it would, and actually, it would technically, like, shoot the mouse. Shoot the mouse, yeah. Waking up, being woken up by the sound of a gunshot, waking up to a red wall in the corner of your room. Just hair and paste all up a wall. And, I mean...

Presumably you've killed the neighbour as well. It's gone through the fucking rat. I... I... Fine. I've got to mop up guts at 3 a.m. You would be so cautious, setting it. I'm not putting cheese in that.

The only time I've ever had, I lived in a house share. I first moved to London, and I lived with about four other friends, and we got mice at one point. Yeah. And I bought those, like, humane traps in my room, because I saw there was one night where I'd moved in. This was a couple of nights after... We all need to sleep.

Just some of us don't do it all day. after that incident. The incident I have no sense of humor about. And there was like a rustling under my bed, like paper tearing, like someone opening presents. Making a nest, yeah. And I was like, what the fuck is this? And I was like trying to thump down.

Like if ever I've suspected I've lived somewhere with mice, like if I've been staying somewhere like in the Edinburgh Festival, for instance, I stomp around like a giant. Yeah. I'm coming into the room now. You know, so in the home they go, fuck we'll go. I hope no mice are visible. And what happened is, I'd be like reading a book or whatever,

and I'll call my eyes, I see a bit of movement. And it was like, as soon as we locked eyes, the mouse would then go. But anyway, I woke up in the morning, and I checked under the bed. And my previous housemate left a box of after-eight mince. And it had just shredded through all the packaging. It was awful. So I bought two of those, like, humane... Box of after-ray.

Yeah, it was so weird. Under the bed. Under the bed. Which was bed. Now that we finished shagging, would you care of the mint? It's after eight. The mouse's expensive taste. No more turds for me.

A little powdered wig on the mouse. So I put two Humane Mouse strips, either side of like the fireplace. No one darts for me. I'm going to live like a king on the fan of the land. And the idea was a mouse goes in and the door just shuts behind it. Yeah.

Two mice enter. One mouse leaves. And then you, I mean, the idea is you take it sort of into the garden or whatever. But I woke up the morning and the door was closed of the mousetrap and I was like, shit, there was a mouse in there. But then I was like, well, how do I...

Because I read the instructions, said, you go to a mercy, you just tip it. If you just tip it at an angle, the door just opens. And it was like, I'm not fucking touching that. Yeah, no. So if I tip this at the wrong angle, a mouse will just... Presumably parachute onto my body, screaming. Yes, yes.

Full of rage. Yeah. Mous rage. Because I have a fear of anything like that happening, because years ago, we were staying with my parents in... We were in Wales and we were... in a sort of block of flats, a block of apartments, and I took the bins down to one of those big outdoor sort of bins,

and I opened it up, and it was like a furry little bundle among the bin bags, and I was like, what the fuck is that? I threw the bin bag in top, and a squirrel leapt up at me, and just skidded off into a distance, and it was like, I am so scared of those bins now. You must have shat. I was, I was maybe like 14. Fuck, I know, that way.

And I think I, I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. There's a series of 24 that ended with Jack Bowd, which in his car, just burst into tears. And you just cry, the whole series ended up in crying. It's kind of a bit like that. So that's how I felt about the mouse. And I think, like, I did a similar thing years ago where there was a spider in my bedroom.

It was like the last time I was living with friends. And a spider's in my bedroom, and I, you know, use a cup to trap it under. I stupidly used a mug. Oh, no. So I had no sense. And I was like, I also don't know if I got the spider in time.

So I was like, either the spider's under the mug. It was stroding a spider, or it's under the bed. And I just didn't have the heart to check ever. I think I left that mug there for days. So it's so unfair, because in your head you think, oh, if I leave the mug there for days, the spider will, oh, it'll die of dehydration. But they don't.

It will die like an age of empies. It will sink into the ground and there'll be no mess to clear up. It'll go, ah! Yeah. And just sink. That'll be nice. So you managed to sleep with this... With kind of soapy paper wasps nest over the green...

This fucking Alcatraz escape sort of ploy of... We made a paper mash APF of the bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I was behind the shower cup. Yeah, yeah. Sitting on the stool and big table thing. It was also just that kind of thing where... That annoyed me, obviously, the kind of short-circuiting fan

and also the mad green light. But then also just in the morning just being like, there's like weird marks on the bedstead. like the shower chair's got like rust on it so it kind of looks like someone shut up it yeah have you ever um it's just bad stuff have you ever affected a hotel god what is that mean like left a stain left something in the hotel that you i've done it before where um i've always tried to open a bottle and i've just done it on the side of a desk and like a chunk of wood oh no oh no the cheapest wood possible yeah this is bestos

Looks as someone's bitten it. Yeah, if a whole desk is made of the back of a cabinet, that really thin board. Like a chipboard sort of thing. I don't know if it's a holiday inn or ibis, but they have a bottle open as drilled into the side of the desks. Yeah, loads of hotels do. To prevent that exact thing from happening.

Fuck. I always feel bad for the cleaner when it's been on tour and I've stayed in a hotel and I've ordered like a pretty vigorous takeaway. But you were never going to get all the way through. Or even if I have, it's just, You know, the windows open one centimeter so you don't off yourself on the Ibers budget. Yeah.

You know, the Sheffield Motorway, where you are. So you can't ever really clear the smell. And a takeaway smell when it's not yours is so kind of poo adjacent. It's so kind of body adjacent. This kind of hot meat smell. This smell of noodles or rice or something. Don't ever compare poo to that. You know, that's a sort of noodly, ricey, hot beefy.

You know, like your story with the fish and chips in the toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's an aspect. There is. And it's like unexpected lemonade. Like you say. Accidental lemonade, yeah. I did it to myself this morning.

Did you? Sparkling water. And I thought it was still. And it was like, blah. Because I was like, I've ingested cleaning fluid. It's bubbling inside, mate. I'm dissolving.

Yeah. I think that's it where like if you open a very, very sealed room and just a wall of like, our smell hits you. And it's a smell like cooked meat or something where it's like, it's not a smell of. chemicals is what I mean. It's not a smell of deodorant. It's a smell of...

Another person's takeaway. Matter. Yeah. Your first reaction is, what is that? It could be anything. I think someone's done another person's takeaway in the bathroom. I think someone's dined in here, if you know what I mean. So I always feel bad about that, because also the bin is like a kind of...

The bin will be a normal size, but the rubbish bag in the bin will be the size of a cup. Yeah. It won't hold anything. I will drop one tea bag in there and the plastic bag will plummet downwards. It takes the entire thing with it, like a size of a size of a small. It will be like a size of a... Suicide net. It's like,

it's, oh fuck, what are they called? It's like a, the plants that eat flies. Venus fly. Yeah, yeah, you put the tea bag and it's like,

gosh! I had, the only thing in Australia that I really seem to struggle with was finding any tea bags that were just a self-contained bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all had the hotel thing of a nice little string

and a little bit of card on the end. Yeah, don't worry. There'll be other things in there. Yeah. Exactly. And if you stir the tea twice, that should just all fall right in. That should all fall right in for you.

And the bit that will fall in was never in a packet, so it's touched whatever it's in the world. It should be a nice little bit of paper in there. Yeah, don't worry. Like you're having an LSD tab. Of Tetle's. Don't worry.

The tubes of what is probably milk have no best before dates on because they're from an enormous multi-pack. So who's to say? Who's to say? Those fucking milk sachets, feel like I've hit an artery. No, no, no.

Trying to save the other. No, no. Also, like, I've done one before of those, and what came out was like cheese. Oh, no. And it came straight into my coffee. Cheese came out, the pipe. I was like, come on, man. Oh, man.

And it was the last sachet of non-de-calf coffee. There was like a hundred blue. fucking Nasscafay sachets. And then I go, it's like, one with what I need to be funny. Oh, thank God. Cheese. It will always be like, we have 20 bags of lemon and blueberry tea.

For English breakfast, they're like, one. And you go, if you done this based on supply and demand, it's so, because I would trade with hotels, I'd be like, I would take another 10 tea bags over perhaps the bath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not

having a bath here tonight. The enormous bath. They always have some of the nichest flavors of tea you've ever seen in great abundance. Yeah, to a point where I'm like, I probably should take those home with me because I wouldn't find those in a supermarket. 18 kilograms of Demerara sugar.

What the fuck is it? There's no coffee. It doesn't make any sense. Oh, God. I was really concerningly recent when I found out that Hotel Kettles have the cable like bundled up under them.

No. I was having like... Tiltting the kettle. It's just like chained to a radiator. Like so close to the wall. I was like, why do they always do this? Is it so I don't strangle myself? No.

So you were just doing it tipped and hoping like I hope none of the boiling water tumbles out. Yeah, because especially if like if you... Certain kettles have this. We used to have a kettle at home. I did exactly the same thing. When they say this is the maximum amount, they mean it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. boiling, your kettle starts ejaculating. It's a pasta. It's horrible. And you can't stop it because you'll burn yourself. And because of the phallic spout, it looks so much worse. Yeah. That's what we call the coffee shot. Oh, God.

We should do some correspondence. Speaking of ejaculating kettles. Mail, letter, post, message, emails, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, and randoms. Correspondence. quickly some whackaging from Michael Hi chaps, not sure if you're still doing

Tatt-Tag advert cringe segment always Why not? Always But this noxious pile of words attached Dropped into my inbox And I had to send it over it So see if you can guess what the product is Okay

Hey Michael I'll say it like it's to you Hey Glenn Hey Glenn Your package is one sleep away From your front door Oh my god One sleep

Disgusting We checked twice this morning What? I'm a fucking Santa. Yeah. Disgusting. It has been moving through the night to get to you. Just when's it coming?

Like, it's it. Leave me alone. Yes, yeah. Soon you actually get to wear it. Glenn, clear a little space in your mirror for this one. What do you mean space in my mirror? I'm not in charge of the mirror. Also, it implies your mirror is encrusted with filth.

Also, what you mean is, like Jordan Peterson, tidy your room. That's what clears a lot space in the mirror is... Look, your mirror's covered and come. Scrape it off. Get a little clear patch there so you can see yourself wearing this thing. It's so fucking wet and sort of like, it's going to feel like a big bowl of hug. Jail. Three things to do before it lands.

Oh, God, really? I work for you now. Lans. I don't like talking about packages like their albums. Fuck off. One, pick the playlist you want playing when you open it. Oh, piss off. I don't usually get cross at this sort of thing.

I'm able to sort of suspend my display. Like, it's, I'm like... You can shrug and say that's marketing, baby. I'm like Laura Linney, and they're the brother-in-love actually. And when that hits me, I... Don't do that, my darling. I'm not getting annoyed because I'm like, he can't help it. He can't help it.

This is a marketing email. It can't help it. But this is really making me cross. Number two, decide who gets the first photo, then take it. Okay. Number three, wear it out. not just to the kitchen. Some pieces deserve a moment.

This is one of them. What if it is like a full-on gimp suit? It's a space in your mirror for your new gimp, unzip your mouth, I can't hear you. Big back plug. Yes. Talk soon. Violet.

P.S. If it shows up early, do not wait for tomorrow. Open it. Like, have you got a word count that's got a hit? I would genuinely, just to see what happened. I'd reply to this and say, hi. Yeah, just getting in touch, look forward to getting my package.

What have your employees, Violet? sent me an incredibly fucking inappropriate email. Yes. Like, pretend I think it's just her doing this? It was really creepy. Incredibly creepy, incredibly unprofessional. Whoever this person is, they definitely shouldn't be working. I think Violet is a horrible man.

It's a very sinister man, he's going to follow me home. And I will be contacting the police about violence. Make them admit that every email is like that. And you'd be like, I cannot believe. I'm sure this is just, can you confirm this is just a blip? This is a one-off glitch and it won't happen, and it hasn't happened before. This can't possibly be how you speak to adult strangers you don't. No.

This is some shit like the Home Secretary usually has to resign over. I was funny. The Home Secretary has had to resign because a number of like post-delivery people were sitting like stealing cash envelopes. If you're like, why am I fucking step in there? Yeah. I didn't know. Because someone in a question time audience went, the buck has to stop with you.

It's for a pair of shorts. I know. I know. I know. Absolutely revolting. Oh, yucky, yucky, yucky. Thank you, Michael. That was horrible.

That was horrible. Well, now we're going to go to the bonus pod where I have a shocking accusation to level a Glenn. Oh, I don't like that. I really don't like that. And I've got to wait till Friday, until the episode comes out, so I can then find out what it is.

Yeah, for your right to reply, yeah.