BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E53 | Pooh Pooh the Willy

Episode Date: June 17, 2026

Youtube version available here!This week the buds discuss British nursery rhymes, Jaws, Hulk hands and 'Ponque Republique'.This week's sketch: 'Queen World Cup'Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back! In Bath! Tickets available here - https://komediabath.co.uk/events/128649554-budpod-live-2026-11-03-19-00-00/Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVPierre is on tour across the UK, Ireland and Netherlands!Tickets available now at https://www.pierrenovellie.com/Vote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Budpot 53. Where's Peter Pan? It's me. Very nice. Yeah? I like that. It's a baker's anniversary. Baker's anniversary, yeah.

53 weeks. Yes. I've started referring to the number two as the baker's one. So irritated. That's very good. I like that. I promised on our Patreon. episode last week.

We were talking about VHS experiences of movies. And you should sign up to the Patreon because you get a bonus episode every single week. Yeah. But. And a George pot a month. A George pod, George Four Acres from S&L. And a chicken in every pot.

And a Gestapo on every street corner. I, when I was maybe, I don't know, nine years old, went to a friend's sleepover. And when we got there, my dad walked me there. and my friend's dad opened the door and he said, the boys watching Blair Witch Project tonight, is that alright? Yeah. And my dad went, no.

Off you go, Glenn. And my friend's dad led me into the living room and said, right, Glenn's not allowed to watch Blowich Project so we can't watch it tonight. And it was just a room full of like 30 boys going, oh! Instead, we watched Jaws. Hang on.

And I was like, that's fucking better. Jaws is PG. Isn't that crazy? That is fucking. Isn't it crazy? Charles is a PG. Wow, okay. That head bobbing under the water with one eye is still horrible now.

You see a severed leg. Yeah. Those are the two most violent bits. You learn to fear the water. You learn to fear the water. You learn to fear Poseidon. These old black eyes. Now, that's the most tense bit of the film.

As a kid, you're like, boring. Why is the man talking? When is the shark going to explode? Does the shark get a gun? And some people never leave that. Yeah. My friend David's mummy, does the shark have a gun? Wake up!

I can't believe the dad... Presumably then he'd asked like 30 other people's dads who were like, yeah, yeah, Blair, yeah, whatever. Yeah, I don't care. Already in the car. Yeah. Already lighting a cigarette. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.

Yeah, you can watch that film, yeah. Well, I think a lot of them lived so locally, they'd walked there across the road on their own, So it hadn't been, like, asked. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah. I have a memory.

And when I did finally watch the Blair Witch Project, I can't have dreamt this. And I don't know what to Google. But my parents had, like, recorded it on the TV. Yeah. And so I watched it. And when the Blair Witch Project finished, the channels obviously went a bit fuzzy,

and it'd either switched to a different channel or this was on straight after the Blair Witch Project. It was a comedy show, like a sketch comedy show. And one of the sketches was... Why is this? This is not a joke, and it's still so disturbing. And I'm trying to work out how to word it without it seeming weird or ruining your day at home.

It was a guy who looked a bit like someone like Matthew from Suttie. Do you know what I mean? Like the 90s presenter of a show where there's lots of toys, whatever. And around him on this couch were four or so threadbare, clearly like telitubbies, all different colors, but were like really tall and just, like weirdly threadbare. It was a bit in Bruno. where in the movie Bruno

where Sasha Brancke is like jumping up and down and he's got like a big floppy dick and that sort of suit. Oh, right. So there's four of these things with suit and they all stand up and they went like massive dicks. And it's obviously like very funny to the studio audience, whatever, in the sketch. Come on.

And then they keep saying to him kissy-kissy. And then they're like putting him in a headlock and stuff like that. And he's like, all right, come on, it's painful now, it's painful now. And then they throw him down on the floor. And then one of them with a horror. dick pisses on his face, and then the broadcast cut out. And then the tape ended. And I must have been like 10, and I was so scared.

It's like a sketch comedy show. How do I Google that? This is not... How do I Google that? You have to get Chad Jimmy T to ask. I was so frightened. This just sounds like a normal 90s and naughty sketch show to me. That's what I mean, is in like, yeah, it's like monkey dust if it was

just in plastic, human. It was so, but they had these horrible, like, their voices sounded a bit like one of those tubes. It goes, whew. They were going, kissy, kissy. Kissy, kissy. And they're saying it as they're pissing on his face. It was just awful.

I hope someone knows what I'm talking about. You, this is just your... I haven't fucking imagined it. I remember where I was fucking sat. I sat in the spare room at home. Sat in this red sofa watching it. And I was like, oh! I mean, like, the tape just got ejected out the TV.

Like the ring. I cannot stress how frightened always, but you can't tell anyone that. No, it's hard to Google that. Mom is the telly-Dlew with a big Willie upstairs. Doing pissing? Yeah. Kissy-kissie. Yeah, my mom tells me to evacuate the house and the police come along and they arrest the... Like a clown statue.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think your parents just thought, Ah, Glenn's not going to find the Blair Witch Project scary? Let's make our own sketch. We'll make our own thing. We'll make our own thing for him to watch at the end. Well, my doubt would do this on... be nice.

Christmas, my parents said, let's set up a camera. One year when I was like four. They said, let's set up a video camera on Christmas Eve facing the Christmas tree.

Let's see if we can get Santa. And it was like, wow. And then the next morning, we rewatched it about a year ago. Katie's seen it as well. It's like, there's like a tinkling sound of like a little bell.

And then my dad just, well, Santa, appears just on screen. Just pops into the living room. And he starts talking about, Janelle and Glenn and they've been very good children this year. And then he pointed like at the tree. They haven't seen any floppy dicks at all.

They told me. And each time he pointed at the tree, like presents would, like, it was jingling sound and the presents would appear. And he did it like, obviously, the jump cuts are awful when you watch it as an adult. Yeah. But it was like unbelievable. And he was like, oh, oh, bye. And then, you know, fucked off to wherever. But it was, I, that must have set me back. mentally so much as a kid because it was like, I had evidence.

I had evidence that Santa's real. Like, I'd seen it. It would have been better if they'd just had lead pipes for your brain development. They've given you this insane lie to be. An Arizona farmer who has been abducted. I promise they put stuff on my belt. I know that's the stereotype. That's what happened.

Yeah, you've... Your friends have all got together spiked you with like hallucinogens. built a UFO, put it on a crane, given it a spotlight, winced you up, given you an anima, knocked you out, you wake up in bed, like they've done so much effort, it's entirely fair that you believe this.

Yeah, this was, do you know what, I wanted to do this to the late Nicholas Parsons. Yeah, I remember. So he shared a venue. Sorry, to be clear, when he was alive. When he was alive, yes. Glenn was thinking about this. He passed away during the fringe, I think,

yet to go home halfway through the fringe and men passed away. The true spirit of the fringe. Yes. Still there. He was, it was bizarre. He's a very tall man. Very tall and thin. He was 96?

Something like that. His show was on straight after mine in the cabaret bar in Pleasance. It's at 2019. And I finished my show and he'd be like catatonic and like wheeled in by his wife. And then apparently just like, as soon as the show started, it was like, he would just be like, and it was called Happy Hour, and it was like, yeah, because it's probably the one hour, he's like, up and then apparently, he'd just collapsed back into his chair again.

So when you activate one of those animatronics in a museum. It's a museum animatronic, yes. Yes, exactly that. Four score and seven years ago. Yes. Lincoln. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would have been playing football with a pig's bladder.

Yeah, I mean, it sort of shuts down again. It's amazing, though, that's like when they find people who've lost their memory or dementia patients who are classical musicians and they can still, like, just put them in front of piano. It was exactly that. He'd just be, apparently was his, like, phenomenal performer. But his audience was obviously

huge Nicholas Parsons fans of a similar, a similar generation. How mad is it to think? He's 96, and the people going to see him are probably 75? Yeah. So it's a 20-year age gap. and they're all still just very old. Oh, yeah, I think it's crazy.

Like, it's mad that... It's like, I think about it in school. He's a few years above me at school. Yeah, it's between us and someone who's in their mid-50s. Yeah, same. Yeah, same people. Exactly. You just...

Oh, old blueprints, yeah, it's the same. So, I wanted to... I never... It really had the opportunity to, and you'll understand why in a second. It was such a nice, twee, wholesome, sort of seeming show and such a nice, too, wholesome audience. Yeah. who was there, you know, cozy and settled in for the Nicholas Parsons happy hour,

that I wanted when the lights to go down, because I had access to the venue, to wear a threatening gimp suit, and hold two large, like, vibrators in my hand. Yeah, but, like, ideally sort of neon or, like, something very shocking. Yes. And I would emerge from the curtain on the stage. Where you'd expect Parsons to be coming from. Yeah, like, the middle of the curtain.

So, like, the middle of a stage, and walk like I'm, like I've got two. swords, walk towards the front row really quickly, and then complete blackout. Complete blackout. And then when the lights come back on, I've gone, because I've disappeared back behind the cat, but they don't know that. And then Nicholas Parsons doesn't know any of this has happened. Yeah. And he says from backstage, what good of the stage? Nicholas Parsons, and he would just have the weirdest gig of his life and be like, why am I up with the audience? They were just really off today because everyone thinks it was a strange bar for show. I just love the idea that people should be like, oh.

Because you jump out of your skin, because we're talking like three large strides of, Dun, dun, dun, black out. Did I just see that? Or even just a really quick, like, interpretive dance with, like, what's definitely visibly, like, sex toys. Yes. Or swirling.

They're like, whoa, what's happening? And it's gone. And then in being immediately charmed by a nonogenarian. Yes, because they're like, he knows what's just happened, right? Because presumably he's hired that person. When will he say what it was? The whole show, they'll be going, ha, ha, ha, I love you, Nicholas Parsons. When will you address?

Five minutes time. At the end, he's going to go, and that was my nephew. Yeah, yeah. Who I've been discussing. That's what he does. That's his art. So you'd be questioning it for age and someone goes, it was probably the dildo Kemp made the audience with me and he was, what are you talking about?

What the fuck you're doing about? His management saying, Nicholas, yeah. We've worked together for half a century. I have no idea what you mean by Dildo Gimp. Well, everyone at the venue assures me there was a Dildo G. Nicholas, I've never heard you use either of those words. Is this like a phonetic alphabet sort of thing?

You know, your post-coding's in DG. The Director General? Nine Dildo Gimp. The DG of the BBC. No, not the guy in charge. The guy in the basement. It is a fun thing. to do with phonetic alphabet.

When Kato and I were reading out like a code. He's sometimes like, F, that's F for fuck your dad. D for dad's dick. G for going to fuck your dad. Then three, three times to fuck your dad. I thought of a question that I think

you would like. You just did. Didn't like that. That was horrible. I'd love to see it. It sounds like, I need to ask you a question. You just did. No.

No, no, no. No, I said that statement. Yeah, so. Don't be pulling that kind of Tom Cruise shit on me. We should say when I answered the door to you earlier, when you arrived, to record these podcasts we're doing. Because I'm going away on honeymoon, we're doing some in advance. And when I go away on honeymoon, the first thing I think...

When you go away on honeymoon, you go away on honeymoon. My honey, my moon. You know what I mean. The first thing I think is, what about the patrons? What about the Budpod listeners? What about the fans? Yeah. That's my first thought.

Yeah. All the thirst and hunger be sated and quenched. What of them? How do I make their tummies all wet? Internally. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. You don't want to dry internally.

You don't want them to be shit to my tummy. Please explain that voice, because people might not know. We explained it on the pod recently. Did we? The Glasgow Willy Wonka experience, a con man. With his various AI books. I really wanted to buy one on Amazon they got pulled

I was really good at it but he when he was interviewed afterwards did the sort of dapper laughs black polandex sort of apology tour interview when it just made me a few back

just made me fall set to my tummy so grotes so revolting but a hollow creepy little man oh no it's the unknown it's the kid's starting to cry phenomenally wet and phenomenally dry Oh, crusty, wet, soggy, dry flake. Wet exma.

Yeah, wet! That's exactly it. Yes. So, you care about the patrons. When you arrived, and I opened the door, you very like a smug character in a Pixar film finished a sandwich. Yes. The little corner. You poked it in with... I poked it. Obviously, this was very affected and meant to bother Pierre.

But I popped in the last of the mouthful of the sandwich and sucked each individual of my finger. before then making eye contact and not lodging Pierre. It was horrible. It was the way the Grinch would finish an M&S sandwich, like the corner, the last corner. Really horrid. Yeah, very well done. Really gross.

Here's my question. Okay. I was trying to think, what is the least appropriate circumstances to have Hulk hands on for? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, they're Hulk hands. We've got a Thanos glove at home.

Do you? You and the old wife? Yeah, nothing to do with the ranch. No, no, it's for the bedroom. Yeah. So the Thanos glove is the one with the weird jewels on. Yes, and I've got to say as well, the wretch, when he goes to nursery in his backpack,

got to have a spare change of clothes because it might get muddy or sweaty or might piss himself, whatever. So I had to put in his summer clothes because I realized it was like a pair of winter mittens at the bottom. Still his backpack. But like... Your son is like an eastern front soldier, just the wrong kit. Not like fluffy mittens, but just like sleek.

Popper wintry ones. I had the material of a big, thick winter parker. Oh, God, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, um, I put them on the bouffam. Mm-hmm. The, uh, 11-month-old Bufant. It's the funny, it's the funniest he's ever found anything. Really?

Yeah, because he just, the baby, he suddenly got up and midst of. And he just kept on, like, just clapping for hours. Like, was just entertained for so long. That's a hot tip. So, I think that's a good tip. Yeah. Finally, a parenting podcast. Yes.

That's anti-murder. Anti- Murder. And pro the faulty, Towers Dining Experience, which if you sign up to our top tier of our patron where you get monthly movie pod, you're also going to get our experiences pods, which we do as and when. Our second one after Shenyon, of course, there's a Faulty Towers dining experience. Stones brings it out again for England.

Croatia still penned inside their own half. England have really controlled proceeding since Jude Bellingham's early opener. 60 minutes in, England dominant in their opening game of the 2026 World Cup in Dallas. Stones to Rice. Simple pass across to Elliot Anderson. He's seen plenty of the ball tonight. Out to Reese James on the right-hand side. James and Saka combined.

Saka back to Bellingham. Well, England in no hurry whatsoever here. Interception from Croatia, but it comes off Luca Modrich, and that's an England throw. 60 minutes in, and we're going to see Thomas Tufel's first change of the match. Plenty of players warming up on the touchline. And there is a change coming for England. Esri Konse's evening is over.

Well, coming on for her international debut is Queen Elizabeth II. absent of course from the 2022 Catar World Cup having passed away just months previously but a surprise call-up in the last few weeks does appear to show Thomas Tuchel does trust in our mom and she's just waiting for the go-ahead to come on an imposing presence at the back 38 feet tall of course and making use of the extra height as they look to see this one out straight into the action too Queen Elizabeth second receiving from stones she's wearing the number 69 shirt because she said she thought it was funny

brief laser discharge from Mimachti there catches Matea Kovachich Oh referee says no physical contacts and no free kick there Croatia will have to continue with 10 men Lots of bone and viscera on the pitch there both sides will have to be careful not to slip in it Play goes on stones loses it in the center circle Peresich trying to break forward always inadvertently underneath the left foot of Queen Elizabeth the second unfortunate moment there for Ivan Peresich Croatian now down to nine I'm not sure if you heard that our Mike's picked that up.

Trash talk from the substitute there. England restarting with Pickford, who really has had very little to do. James combining neatly with Saka. England just circulating possession now. A crap perhaps wondering whether England might push for a second. They're quite content because, oh, Elizabeth on the ball now, striding forward. Ice blast there taking up, not only to East Stand, but all four of Croatia's defenders. Forward to Kane.

Oh, and with that, the ref. The ref blows the whistle. Croatia down to five men. All subs use. They forfeit the game. England are awarded the win. Three points. It's all thanks to that goal from Jude Bellingham.

Other players are celebrating the surviving crowd. Ecstatic, the best possible start for Thomas Tugn's men. And with that, the Super Sub is blasting off to a home in space. So, Hulk cans. The big plastic. I know exactly what you mean. Or foam. Sometimes they're foamy.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, I've tried them on. I've tried them on. Okay. It's sort of like, as part of like a montage and a rom-com. Come out of the chamber, everyone's got their arms folded shaking their heads. And you come up with a Thanos glove and they all nod.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You do a little pose. Yeah. Just, it's that in lingerie. Yeah, you do a pose with Hulk Smurrush. He's going to love it. Oh, this is really, really tricky. Can I give you my first thought?

Wedding. Funniest thing to wear whole cans during. Yeah. Being knighted. You know, there's always that photo where it's you in profile. file. Yeah. And you're in tails and whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like two, like, up some steps, is the monarch. Yeah, is the monarch with a sword. And then there's the little piano bench thing in front of you that you're going to kneel on.

Yes. And just they're standing there with Hulk hands. On the end of your basuted arms. And I guess they'd be like... Never referencing that. Well, I guess it's like the Tourette's, I swear, guy, having that thing around his neck. Yeah. It must be, it must be some sensory thing. The second you'd show up, yeah, but now the palace would just go, what, I mean, no one's doing that on spec. Yeah.

There must be okay. So we cleared it with the... And they wouldn't even let you finish. They go, yeah, yeah, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hulk hands, yeah, of course. I think I guess if you're a surgeon... Have they been muted? Yeah, we've taken the batteries out.

She needs to hold them. I think a surgeon. My surgeon just wore Hulk hands and so... It's gonna be fine. I cannot operate on this man. I'm wearing my... He's holding his hands up to wash them. Oh!

Hulk's match! Oh! I cannot operate on this man. Time of death. Hulk a clock. Hulk a clock. That was his race. It's Hulk a clock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of operate on this boy. I am wearing Hulk hands. Yes. That's the riddle. Yes. I think that. Okay.

Or fine dining. Fine dining would be really funny. Yeah. I'm sorry, if this cutlery is useless. I'm sorry, I've accidentally glued Hulk hands to my hands. I need you to jab cutlery into the Hulk hands. kind of core. If it's foam, right?

You could do that. Or, look, if you... You're not like Wolverine. Look, just reach... Fine dining Wolverine. Reach into my pocket. I've brought duct tape. Please just tape from the knife and fork

to the whole cans. I really want this date to go well. It would be... It's also very funny. What would you like to order? What's the boniest fish on a menu? What's the most complex dish? The lobster.

I've loads of muscles, please. Yeah, it'd be cold. Big bowl of mussels. And fajitas. Make sure they're deconstructed. Do you know what? Fue de la mare. Muscles, lobster.

Walnuts in shells. Tortillas. For five ice peanuts. All of it. Yeah. I'm going to have a muscles and lobster for heater. Yeah. With walnuts.

And a very involved sort of Indian cup of tea. So, all the strain. Yeah, really traditional tea ceremony. It's always like whole. You can never just buy like Hulk feet on their own. Or just like a Hulk bum. Hulk dick and balls. He just wear around.

He loves it. He loves wearing it. Just the balls. Well, the idea is you can put your own things. Like a sort of hole in the wall picture. Oh. He said, he's on the sea. I guess the Hulk bum is always in the kind of purple pants.

That would be a really funny thing to draw on like a toilet cubicle that's had a glory hole in. You draw like a policeman. one. Come on, just let me get on with you in it. That's really fun. That's when you could tell Brighton that stopped being such a seaside pal. When erect dicks kept coming through the fun seaside postcard images.

If Banksy had any guts. You would find one of these dank public toilets and do that. Yeah. But like full, incredible paint job. Absolutely amazing, yeah. It looks like airbrushed, like from the 1950s. Yeah. Like those proper like saucy postcard type illustrations, but around the glory hall.

Yes, yeah, yeah. That would be so, so funny. You'd be, you couldn't stop laughing. Yeah. It's called Dick in the War. You've ever had to do it. You know the person, while you laugh them. While you laugh them.

Yeah. So I'm not laughing. You have to come in here. That's not the point. No, it's funny. Oh, close my eyes. I won't look at you. I won't look at this.

Look at the wall. Yeah. You look ridiculous. It's funny. It looks like your dick is a policeman. I'm a policeman. I know, but... Okay, shush.

Well, now you're the one making it... Not anonymous. I'm not laughing at you. It's romantic. It's romantic. I promise, I'm being serious. It's like a bit of baker. She's a baker. Okay.

Trying to describe it like charades over the wall. You look like a buxom lady with a big dick coming on a swimsuit. It's funny. It's funny. It's like there's a very buxom lady in a swimsuit who's face. You're gonna go to the boy's ice cream, it's funny. Her entire head is an adult man. Dick and balls.

It's like something from an A-Fex twin video. It's kind of... I would respect it. I would respect it so much as a Banxie. I'd be like, he's got it back. He's got his mojo back. He's got it back. Fuck me.

As a Banksy or as a... What's the guy who does all the collages that got really big for a while? Collarages? They're all like the cover of The New Statesman and stuff. Oh, I don't know. You do, you mentioned him the other day. It's like political art. It's big.

He got big on Twitter. Political art? Yeah, like illustrations and stuff. Collages. It's been on the cover of New Statesman, The Economist. There's an album covers. Yeah, collages. Digital collages.

It's like the cover of... Sergeant Peppers, but it's like David Cameron... Cold War Steve? Cold War Steve. There you go. Sorry. There you go. When you said, like, political images from the new statesman, I don't think Cold War

Steve. No, no, on the cover of. They commissioned Cold War Steve to do his collage work. Yeah, it's like an incredibly explicit Cold War Steve. Yes. Yes. Where were we? Oh, I need to tell you a...

But I told you already, I'll tell us to Felipe. It involves dicks. Good. Apologies for your Wednesday morning. What of it? I'll tell you what of it. I'll tell you what of it. I went to Brighton the other day.

What of it? You're to suck a police officer. I'll fucking tell you what of it. To a police officer. If you're pregnant, you're allowed to do it. If you're pregnant, you can suck his helmet. That's what they say. I think it would be so funny, someone who's so, like...

If you're pregnant, you can wean in a policeman's helmet as the urban myth. Yes, exactly. What's true is it. If someone who hates the police so much, they get pregnant just so they can see that all the time. If you're hung over, you can shit in their helmet. It's an incredible service. Yeah, if you just got married, you can... If you're 100.

On the day you turn 100. So, Katie was getting... the wretch dressed the other day. And all he had on at that time was just a t-shirt, nothing else. So she said, Retch, go downstairs and say to Daddy, hello, Daddy, and Winnie the Pooh.

And he'll find it really funny. And so apparently the wretch was like giggling away at this very idea. What she didn't realize is he doesn't know what Winnie the Pooh is. I've never heard of that. And she was just telling him in nonsense phrase. So I'm in the kitchen, and this awful bottomless boy comes running in. and like wiggles his hips

and he goes Hello Daddy, I'm Poo the Willie And I went Oh, what? And he burst into tears And he said you'd find it funny And I went, no, what? I went up to Katie

I was like, what the fuck was that? I'm Poo-Poo the Willie Also, in my head in this story you're reading a really serious big paper. Yeah. My nose over the top of the hefty. You've only... Why?

You've only lowered it to go, oh. But I really did like a... Oh, no, don't do that. What are you doing? I'm poo-poo the Willie. I'm poop-poo the Willie. But also, you go, I've been out to explain, I was like, there's a bear called,

and this is the funniest thing in the world, Winnie the Pooh. And why is he called Woody the Pooh? I don't know. It's actually never been explained. Oh, yes. Why he's called Pooh. Winston the shit.

Winnie the Poe occasionally I'll have like a laughing fit over the name Winnie the Pooh because it's so funny Winnie the Pooh even in that trailer with Ewan McGregor Poo? You call him anything else

That clip is so funny Especially because he's saying it while looking at his own ass Ewan McGregor's looking over his shoulder his ass going Poo? Yeah Someone sent me that clip once with a caption

When you're really hung over on the butt On the tube home the next morning and you sneeze You're I just They can't have been a period in British history Where that wasn't a funny name They all knew what poo was We know they do

But like I've been to that house And played poo sticks on the bridge or whatever And then having a game called poo sticks Within it It's just so For fuck's sake. I cried laughing relating that story to my friend John, who you know. Yes.

And he cried laughing hearing it. Great. Just the idea of someone saying, I'm poo-poo the Willy. But also, your mother saying, go downstairs, shake your dick and say, I'm poo-poo the willy. Your dad will love it. Don't find it really funny. And then you're just tutting. That's going to be his origin story of a, must you'll be so wicked.

Yes. Yes. Also, John and I agreed that if anyone came into a room and said, I'm poo-poo the Willie, we'd laugh immediately, we'd pathetically laugh immediately, like the stupid children we are. Yeah, it's not much more mental than I'm Winnie the Pooh. Yeah. It must be strange with kids, because you sort of presume that they're somehow ambiently absorbing popular culture for children like Winnie the Pooh, but then you sort of remember, oh yeah,

I guess it's not around, or if I don't choose to show it to them, it doesn't go in? Yeah, I'm not showing them fucking the most. magic roundabout. Yeah, exactly. He doesn't know about Rosie and Jim or like Jack and Joe went up the hill. He doesn't know any of that stuff. Yeah.

He's a fucking idiot. Well, she died in a car accident. Rosie. But you have a puppet. Not on the canal boat. And he, um... No, we're just talking about Rosie and Jim. Yeah, she died in a car accident.

The puppet died in a car accident. I mean, Jim, um, Jim never got over it. And he blew his brains out, like, a few years later. He ate his gun. He ate his gun. He matched it in his felt mouth. Finally got a hole in it. Yeah. And his flat tongue.

Awful when they eat. Oh, like, Domio puppets. Yeah. They should show, right, put your money where your mouth is Dommeo. Show them eating those felt mouths mushing it together. Mushing Bolognais. Jesus. It's truly.

It's like from Hellraiser. Someone just saying, not even saying eat, just saying, show me what they do with the Bolognais. Show me what they do with it. Because the ingestion implies expulsion. So, either they have a name as possibly a shit-covered hand. The puppeteers going, for fuck's sake. You're supposed to prepare yourself before we film?

Sorry. Jesus. All the crows. rush on with like masks and squeegees and stuff. But yeah, it's, it would be like that bit in Event Horizon where they see footage of hell. It was just Domio Pub. It's going, with their no teeth.

Oh, I should say as well, I'll riff about living life in reverse. Yes. Just quickly, while I remember it, because I keep forgetting. I've been forgetting for weeks and weeks and weeks because I'm a pig. your friend of mine, Ali, who we used to do comedy with. Yes. Martin Amos's novel Times Arrow is about a Nazi living his life backwards, including a reverse shitting scene. Do we know how that works?

I will read it out on the Patreon. Okay, wow. Because it'll get sued. Okay, fine. Because it's spoilers. Yeah, spoilers. Right. Martin Amos' spoilers.

When I was a kid, we had the most random fucking collection of V.A. Because what would happen is South African TV was either like baffling... It's the plural as VHSS. Sorry, the most baffling collection of VHSS. And South African TV was American stuff. Yeah. With some baffling local content. I argue UK TV was like 80%...

Yeah, 80% English and Blue Peter. Yeah. So stiff and boring. I'm an amazing American. Like, everyone lives in a cool basement, baseball cap back to France. Skibort. that's it, yeah. So I'd never seen any of the... Reagan, AIDS.

Yeah, yeah. I'd never seen any of the UK stuff at all. But then I'd have a VHS of like, encred suffocatingly traditional nursery rhymes being sung by like, a woman dressed like where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Right, yeah, yeah. And she would just take you through, like, there's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza.

Yeah. And like, one about like a... On Oakleymore Batat, all that sort of stuff. A soldier went to, or like a, went to Mo a meadow, like really old-fashioned. One man went to Moe, yeah. And then something about a soldier? Soldier, soldier, will you marry me with your musket pipe and drum? I only know that from a Lucy Perman bit.

Really? As a comedy bit. Yeah, I thought she'd make that up. No. Right. I would have been there singing along, man. With your musket pipe and gum. Yeah. Yeah.

So I arrived, obviously, unprepared for childhood in the UK from both angles. I'm thinking that everyone was dressed like the railway children. Trilly dresses. Hello! Too old and too American or new. Yes. Nothing right.

They're buckled shoes. White tights. I never saw Rosie and Jim. I had no idea what the fuck anyone was all about. Yeah, that's how we all dressed in the 90s. I was thinking about I had a horrible vision. It's been stuck in my head since it was... You know those things?

You spoke about it on the most recent George Pot. Where you say, like, how many P's are in Google? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it just would bend... An AI would just bend over backwards. to make you right because it's a yes man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But someone said, someone asked what the horrible phrase, the two in the pink.

Yeah, said, what does that mean? And Chatty-Ptie was like, ah, this is a classic British phrase. And it said, it is when two of your like smart buckled shoes, you're in your smart pink dress shoes. And that means, yes, you are, so two of your legs are in the smart, bucket, pink shoes. but unfortunately your other leg is in the dirt, so that's in the stink.

So it's like this horrible image of his three-legged girl in a party dress. Ballet shoes. And it's a lovely, it's a wholesome phrase. Still somehow walking through shit. Yeah, walking through to mud. Oh no, she's left one of her pink ballet shoes in the mud. You know, the stinky mud.

Stinky mud, or poo as it's otherwise known, essentially. Come on. Yes. It's such a horrifying image of the three-legged girl. Who's told the robot that? Yeah, who told you this? You'd be standing up at, like, Google HQ, who told the fucking robot this?

Who told the robot? Is that not? No, it means the shoes in the mud. Darren, where did you get that? Someone British has put that on Reddit as a joke, and the robot's eaten it, and now it knows that forever. Fucking so. Anyway, so, so, Rau Richard and Nurse Rayleigh's,

we had a VHS of Carol Vorderman, like doing maths. for you. And it would cut to like two, like, teenagers with like baseball cats put on backwards, um, like, uh, sunglasses and like a big stereo like over their shoulder. Yeah. And they're like, one plus one equals two. Two plus three equals five. And it was like, no, you can't tell us this is cool. This isn't good. Actually, when you think about it, is numbers are really awesome. Wow. It was such like a dated version of what's cool as well. We had like, dated like French textbooks at school.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And even in like high school, even in secondary school, there was one of our French textbooks, it was like, it was talking about like what cool is in French. And it was like a cool teenager. And it was someone from like the late 1970s, black and white picture because the textbook was so old, but of like their collar up and smoking a cigarette.

And so it was just my image as a kid was if he went to France, every teenager was in like... Disco clothes. Disco clothes, motorcycle jacket, hair sort of gelled up like a sort of like a teddy boy. Cool, modern. Cool, cigarette. It's a schweet.

Cool, yes, his sunglasses, the toilet. Regade le table, no. It's cool. Punk. Yeah, spelled P-O-N-Q-U-E. The music of P. Punk Republic. Listen to punk republic.

So, yeah, and then the other weird V-H-H-H-H. we had was Le Petermain. Fuck, of course, yeah. The man with the elasticated anus. Again, French? Yeah. Who could inhale air through his bum and do these odourless farts to whatever sound he wanted.

And he was a very popular performer. The Patriot. And it was like, it was a movie. Where my dad got this? I don't know. It was unlike the fucking Darkweather. I think of someone delivered it to it. Like, someone like dropped it off one evening. And it had like, squalid le Petermain.

And it was, and the film only goes on for like 65 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's in black and white and it ends with him, yeah, farting the last post, because it's the war was coming in. He thought it would be inappropriate to carry on his farting performances. But it talks about how, like, he had, like, difficulty, like, issues in his later career. And he just, like, shits himself on stage.

Career. Career. My God. But it was like my dad was just, it was like seeing a five-year-olds being, like, tickle. Oh, man. couldn't, my, it was so weird, see, my dad just couldn't breathe. It's so funny, though, when you first discover this phenomenon.

Oh, yeah. I mean, fucking hell. Watch some, there's videos of people doing it in the modern day. I think you can watch Lepetaman on YouTube. I think my whole film's on, yeah. We would get our VHSs from, like, the mall, but not from like a blockbuster. They'd be like, you know, sometimes inside a shopping mall

is a kind of like market stalls on wheels almost. Yeah. The way like muffin places often look. Yeah, in the center. Yeah. In the center, we can get. pretzel. Or get your nails done. Yeah, exactly. Mass up's chair, maybe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jacked off by a shoestine boy. It gives you hot tips. Yeah. And a hot tip. There would be... The friction makes it hot. Like a starting a fire with Ray Mears. Yeah, kindling. That's how Ramirez does it to himself. It just...

On the side. Rubbing either side of his dick. Smoke stuff It's happening, it's happening It's happening. It's survival baby. A fish on that, yeah. You could cook a fish on it.

Yes. That's your pick-up line. It's almost like a sort of mobile library. Well, it was just this place that's... Like, take a book, leave a book sort of thing. It's where you've got your VHS is. Yeah. Oh, you could have cooked a fish on it.

Yeah. It was just a bunch of VHS's for sale seemingly at random, or the way there's that big stall of books under Waterloo Bridge. Yes. I would describe it as petrol station DVD. Or Garden Centre DVD. Yeah. Garden centres have the fucking strangest selection of like it's...

Was it released in cinemas? You won't find it here. It'll be like BBC adaptations, like Good Night Mr Tom, or like Nicolus Nickleby on VHS or DVD. or documentaries. War documentaries. So many. And then, Sunlight.

Oh, yeah, but I know, that was an ITV two-parter, so that's... We get these fucking tapes at random, and my older sister, you know when kids get obsessed with just one film. I want to watch it constantly, every morning. Yes, for me, it was Salo. What is that? It's a joke. It's a horrible. It's horrible film. It's horrible, horrible film.

Okay. Yeah. For me, it was Pinocchio. Right, okay. We watched Pinocchio to the point where the tape broke. it melted. Wow. It started going like,

roo, and then it broke. But that's only as creepy as much of Pinocchio when they turn into Donkins. Oh, yes, horrible. I don't know why I loved it so much. I have no memory of watching it,

so I must have been very small. My older sister became addicted to one. It was a cartoon that was produced and animated entirely by, genuinely, like a particular subbranch of the Mormon church

or something like some kind of Midwestern Christian organization. You know, like sub-vegetales budget. Yeah. And it was an animation of, like, Bible stories. Why do you know Veggie Tales? I had American friends growing up. Wait, is Veggie Tales that old?

Veggie Tales is American from, like, 30 years ago. It's been going forever. I thought it was like... I'm thinking of something different. I'm thinking of Vegysaws. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? It's a kid's TV show where all the... It's like dinosaurs, but they're, like, sort of kind of made out of, like, broccoli and stuff like that. Okay, no. Veggie Tales is actually probably the opposite in the sense that I'm pretty sure it's creationist.

Right. It's vegetables learning about Christ. very dogmatic, protestant, evangelical way. No, it's incredibly... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of leaks being abused by high-ranking turnips. Kind of, yeah, learning about sin and stuff. That's very, very down the line.

It was an animation of the fall of Jericho. But when I say animation, you know, like a movie... A film is like 24 frames a second. Yeah. And a good animation has to be at least 20, really. It's like maybe two frames a second animation. So, like, a PC can't handle, like, GTA. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

D-Dom! Like that, of like the fall of Jericho and the trumpets playing and stuff. And my older sister just watched the city of Jericho fall to the trumpets of David or whatever. Rubbing her hands. I have a weird one. Every day for years. This wasn't for years.

But I, when I was maybe like six years old, my sister and I, every day, would watch the same episode if you've been framed that we'd taped. And I'll tell you for why. I'll tell you for why. I don't know why we taped it as if it was appointment television. I was told that on this episode, there was, the first thing was a naked woman.

Who told you then? Someone at school, obviously wasn't true. The show was on 9. 5 p.m. Jeremy Beal wouldn't have allowed it. Right in the middle of you've been framed a naked woman tumbling down the stairs. Yeah, sliding into a patio door. Dead, is that stomp?

Oh, my God. It's like a paranormal activity. And she's at an angle where her legs are above her head still, up against the glass. Yeah, the neck doesn't go that way. And then you go, wait, this is being filmed from outside the house. Yeah, yeah. And it keeps getting closer and further away.

Incredibly creepy. It was a really funny bit of someone digging dirt in the guard. Yeah. But we were told that, and what happened was the episode we taped, it started off Fuzzily, and it started like three minutes into you've been framed. So I would watch the same episode every day in the hope that, or maybe if I watch it today, the tape will correct itself. And today the tape will start from the beginning.

And we'll see the naked person. But obviously it never did. No, I could never tell my... I could never tell my mum that's why I was watching You've Been Framed. So what would happen is, I'd start you've been framed. It would show... It would show like a bulldozer tipping over, whatever.

And I'd be like, fuck! But obviously, I had to commit to the beer and carry on watching the rest of his you've been framed episode, even though I knew... I'll have seen this with it. Like someone pretending to walk past the Berlin Wall just because you're walking a dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm still... Yeah, I'm still... Yeah, I watch the rest. You know, I love it. The rest of this episode I love. You know, it's my favorite. It makes me laugh just as hard. All that cake really has fallen off, isn't it?

Fucking hell. Yeah. It's so hard, I imagine, to explain to people who are growing up now, right? When you're old, you'd be like, I was so desperate to see any naked person that I'd trap myself in, like, an infinity loop of people tumbling downstairs. Of half an hour of Jeremy Beedle every day. Of snuff for snuff. People would look so injured.

In the hope that some fuzz would manifest into the shape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if it didn't, then I must have done the ritual wrong again. I put the pebbles in the right shape. Put salt around the outside of the house. What am I doing wrong? It is snuff. Yeah, fully.

I think that's how I got away with it, yeah. I never liked it. Faces of death with Harry Hill. So. Lisa Riley. So often it was an old lady, and that was the ones where I was like, they're brittle, man. Yeah, but you fished out of a canal, motionless.

Fully floppy. The old lady at a wedding being, like, put through a table like WWE, and you're like, well, she's dead. Yeah, yeah. Well, at the very least, like. Yeah, like, a parachute not opening, and he lands in a greenhouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But even the old lady falling at the wedding, you're like, well, she's fully purple now. Yeah, yeah. For like months. She's like the color of Barney the fucking dinosaur. I know that much from having a grandma. It's sometimes to be someone at the gallows. Oh, really ancient footage.

Whoa. Yeah. And like, the date in the corner is like 6th of April 1533. What the fuck? It does look fuzzy. Wait, what? Yeah. To be back then, 250 pounds is a fucking lot of money.

Well worth time travelling and filming that. Fucking, oh, wow. Free post that you've been framed. Send it there. Ye hast been framed. You hast been framed. Yeah. Now haste been framed, Ed.

I was spilled milk. It's also a crazy title for a show. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make any sense. You've been framed. Framed for one? Yeah. Crime of clumsiness. Yeah.

So they're not real then. Oh, it's real. Right, so it's not frame-up. Yeah, so you've been framed. It's like shows it'll be all right on the night. What's a fucking mouthful? It'll be all right on the night. Yeah.

Man, they didn't have to try in those days. They knew people would watch. Well, it's still on. What? Katie wrote on it. What? Tom Allen, I think, does a voiceover. So Katie was writing his jokes.

But you're supposed to be standing in that studio. Like, that smiley old man. It's like where you've been framed. It's all voiceover now. You've been framed. You used to have a fucking house. Jeremy Beedle would present it from a weird little house in a studio. So in the television studio was then a weird, like, sort of strange lily put house.

I never saw the Beatle version. Oh, you should. You should. You must. It's really good. It's before a minute, it went off the end. You've been framed Breck as Beatles version. Yeah, yeah.

The Beatle Cut. Release the Beatle Cut. So, he could go to his grave in a high-gett Cemetery. It's near to Karl Marx. It's Jeremy Beadle's grave. Two titans of the... Yes, of communism. Fucking hell, man.

So, Katie wrote on it genuinely about five years ago, and one of the episodes aired maybe two weeks ago. What? Yeah, it just takes so long for them to... Because you've got to agree... It's... the people... I think you've got to agree to be on it. So a friend of mine, Anna, is a nice...

TV journalist. Yeah. And she got, she was attacked by like a pigeon or something on like ITV news. So they got in touch to be like, can we, can we have that on it? It'll be alright on the night. And she was like, yeah. Wow. Yeah.

God. really good. It's time to go to the Patreon. Yes, yes, yes. Where I'll read out an extract about someone doing a reverse poo, and that's worth the fee alone. That's true, it's true. You get an extra episode a week, and you get George Pod once a month, and all sorts of other things that pop up here and there, like eccentric little goodies.

And I'll film pod every month if you sound out for top tier as well as our experiences pod, because you can hear us going to the Forty Tower's Dining Experience. Also, go and see Pierre at the Edinburgh Fringe And please come and see me at the Edinburgh Fringe Yes, please. I'm on at 11am at the Monkey Barrel For the first two weeks of the festival You're there for the whole months

Yep In Monkey Barrel in the evenings And also, you're also doing an additional show For the second half of the fringe The last two weeks I'll be doing a best star Of all my old classic At assembly? Assembly at, I think it's like 1pm or 2 p.m.

Lovely. Or something like that. If you have any bits of stand-up that you think should be in my best bits, let me know because I'm, you know, cobbling it together. Because also if you were able to be able to friend, you may get a chance to see us in the same room together,

perhaps doing this show live in Monkey Baro. Bye-bye. Cogee.