BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E55 | Tudor Tarantino

Episode Date: July 1, 2026

This week the buds discuss Fuzz Buzz, Wimbledon traditions, Tudor Tarantino and Red Wall!This week's sketch: '911 Call'Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back! In Bath! Tickets available here - https://komediabath.co.uk/events/128649554-budpod-live-2026-11-03-19-00-00/Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVPierre is on tour across the UK, Ireland and Netherlands! Tickets available at pierrenovellie.comVote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pot 55. Budpot 55. Why? That gives me an idea for an episode. I really thought... I'd give me an idea for a most marvelous episode. I thought you were going to go for... It's a name I haven't heard in a long time.

Not by that name. That type of voice, if you want a really funny and strange example of that type of voice. Mark Ruffalo. Yes. Is in some sort of adaption of one of those books which is always called like The Beekeeper of Avalon. Right, okay.

The seamstress of Beirut. Yes. The Mildred of Pumpkin Town. Yes. He's in one where it's weirdly two books that were bestsellers came out about either a blind girl or a blind man being blind in an occupied French town blind

and also something to do with books and book selling. Right, okay. Where you go, that's a coincidence, that's strange. Anyway, Mark Ruffalo is having to do a kind of... Like Deep Pumpat and Apococon. And Armageddon being at the same time. Absolutely. Ants and a bug's life coming out at the same time.

Mad? Yes. So, Ruffalo is being a dad to, I think it's a blind girl. But he's doing this voice. He's got a sort of mustache and a... It's not dissimilar to his poor things voice. Yeah, I was going to say, that was the example. What the fuck you're talking about?

But his poor things voice is actually pretty good. Because this is something... I think he's gone, oh, well, I'm not going to completely do that American thing of I'm playing a French character, so I'll still speak English, obviously, but in a British accent. Yes. So foreign. Yes. But he's a sort of, oh, yeah, like, it's, it's, lots of cake.

He's constantly promising cake in a whispery voice. It's such an odd interpretation of what it means to be a fun grown-up. Yeah, a friend of mine at uni, whenever we're in a play, I remember having to play like an old MP in a play. and the way to convey old. Get the talcumpowder out. It was talcum powdered hair all round. And I basically just sort of had, you know, it was a real sort of like uni play thing of like,

left arm behind your back, right hand up at all times, to signify that you're old. And he would do this for every character he played over the age of 25, because he was 19. In his play, I'm playing Harry Stiles. American girls! Watermelon sugar Like a summer evening

Yeah Dead Poet Society But it's just Harry Siles lyrics Yes, yeah Yeah You've got to eat their pussy boys It's like watermelon sugar So yeah

I get that as a weird I guess affectation that someone would put on I'm old Well that's how they sounded back in the olden days and I do hate that sort of I guess it's the Gandalfisms of you say I'm sure it sounds rather marvellous

you say It's just Gandalf Dumbledore It's Gandalf Dumbledore Again came out roughly the same time Yeah I think yeah there's a What I used to say to the I used to hate

Perhaps it would be in a way The greatest adventure Shuttle what What? What? We're going to Wickef Shopping Centre. What do you mean? That's not an adventure.

Do you want a toasty or not? Yeah, well, it depends what's in it. Your mum needs to get a refund from Laura Ashley. This isn't an adventure. She doesn't like the blouse. It's just not her. I'll give you a lift in my Vauxhall Astro. It's not the most amazing steed in the world, but it's reliable to get you to where you want to go.

If in doubt, always follow your Vauxhall. Stop talking like this. I can't. You're 28. When I used to work, I used to have a Saturday job at a library as a teenager and it was full of just meaningless quotes. Yeah. The importance of books.

And I do this to Katie all the time. It would be books like quotes from Charles Dickens and you go, I don't think he said that. Yeah. You know, the example would always give was like, who needs penicillin when you've got a good book? You? All of us.

That approach. trying to get kids to read is always so wrong-headed. Oh, yeah, I remember seeing a pamphlet in a library years ago, which had a picture of William Shakespeare and 50 Cent, maybe 10 years after 50 Cent had been at the peak of his heyday. And William Shakespeare had William Shakespeare being like, forsooth, my plays are like rap, aren't they? And 50 Cent was going, sure, man.

Like he was a weird fan. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, all right, great, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for coming. Oh, yeah, you know what? I would love to read Henry Vise. Yeah, but it does sound really cool now. But does sound the same as listening to 50 Cent. An audio book of a Shakespeare play sounds brilliant right now.

I'm going to blast the audio-only Henry VIII as I roll down the high street with my car. Oh, I'm listening to Hate It, Love, with collaboration with the game. No, no, no, no, I'm listening to Coriolanus. It's the same. It's the same, isn't it? Coriolanus Feet Eminem. That's what I'm listening to. Yeah. That's the only way you could convince me to watch Coriolanus if a word feet was in the title.

You know me. I only see barefoot players. That's a fun sketch. 16th century Quentin Tarantino. All on the globe stage over just possibly wiggling their feet around. Everyone in the crowd's like, me thinks he's into this. Tudor Tarantino. Yeah.

Yeah. The plays a thing Room will find the conscious of the kink. There's a lot of N-Words in this... In this Romeo and Jill yet. I didn't even have... I don't think I'd really coin that word at the time.

It was tradition in those days for the playwright to find a role for Samuel L Jackson. He had to be in everything. He had to be in everything. He's got a lot of nepoos. John Milton's son's in this one for no reason. It's the false staff of his day, Samuel L. Jackson.

Mm. Or whatever that guy's name was, the actor who played him. It's... They always pitch reading as medicine. But they should pitch it as fun. Yeah. It's good because it's fun. It was popular because it was enjoyable, not because it was medicine.

Well, I always thought, could you... I mean, this is my attitude as a child. Could you create a super-brained baby and raise a child to be such a boffing? Yeah. By saying a swat. Daily Express word. Boffin's guzzling champagne as tiny tots.

Yeah. The specky brains behind the project. And you really like the sun shouldn't be telling me about the Hydro Collider like that. Lead prof. Gloated. So I thought you could make just a incredibly wrinkly brinkly. brained child by basically saying to it, okay, if you do, I tell you what, if you do five minutes of PlayStation work, I'll let you do two hours of math games and treat it like that.

The Xbox is a lot of punishment and give them something shit on an Xbox, like a really bad game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. And then we're like making them have that a sort of association. Yeah. Because I think like, for instance, the wretch, if a tibre, if a tally, yeah. TV's on, he will just watch the TV. So we really limit his TV time. But like,

if he turned on the TV... Katie came downstairs one morning and he was watching all creatures great and small. The show about, is it vets in the country? Because his attitude was one of... I probably had the attitude as a kid. Well, anything's better than nothing. My brain is switched off. This is

perfect. Yeah. Just things happening. Yeah. And so, like, if I'm... If, for instance, the sod is particularly, like, grumpy of a morning. Yeah. And I don't want to say, like, wait, Katie up. We do a one-in-one-out policy. We switch it around, you know. You're like a popular nightclub.

Yes. If it's my turn, I'll take them down at 6th morning. You go, all right, Katie gets asleep and I'll have them downstairs. And if the sod is being particularly sort of upset, but the easiest way to quell him is, just put on time like, Mr. Tumble or Ms. Rachel, bright colors, whatever. Yeah. But the wretch will come over and be sort of like, oh, what's all this?

And we'll just sort of like, he'll watch, like a dad pretending to be disinterested in a doorway. Yeah. Oh, you're watching the... Yeah. What's going on there? What's? So, Seth has brought Ryan into his home in the Orange County,

and he's... He'd like to go out with... Also, Seth wants to go out of summer, okay. All right. And so Sandy's a top flight, like, okay. But it's your... It's your older son just standing hands on hips going, B, I know that one.

Yeah, yeah. So, yeah. B is for Badger. Yeah, I was doing this, only. There's like a dog shit free app. And basically it's like a fireworks sensory thing. Just a black screen and rotating brightly colored circles fly up. And if you press them and they explode into fireworks.

Nice. It just teaches a baby sort of vague dexterity. They're so bad at dexterity. Teachers them how to tweet. Yeah. Get them in young. In comes the wretch. Like it's Fortnite.

And you go, no, no, no, no. This isn't four. Like, you've achieved nothing. You've just ruined the game for everyone else. It's such an old-the-sibling thing where it's like, I know the fucking alphabet, idiots. Yeah, yeah. Well.

But you know what, when I was at school, my sister got put up a year. Oh. Yeah. But what was really funny was they put her up a year and put her into like the remedial class of the year above. That's so much worse. Isn't it so much worse? You're like a 21-year-old idiot. This is great.

Yeah. It's like I always say, like based on like my height, it's like I buy my clothes from High and Mighty, but from the kids section. A slightly longer shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So a really big baseball cup with the road on the top. But, like, it's, yeah, it's, I remember at school, so this is even more humiliating. That type of class at school was called FuzzBuzz.

Come on. That was the name of, like, the texts you got to give it. Like, they'd read books, and it was the FuzzBuzz Books, and it was like a sort of fluffy blob on legs. Come on. it had like antennae. Yeah. Fuzz buzz?

Yeah, that was the name of the books, but as a result, Vaveen got called FuzzBuzz. So you were like, oh, are you FuzzBuzz? A new slur? Yeah, sorry. Yeah.

So if someone... With the hard Zed. Sorry, he's a bit FuzzBuzz. That's what people would fucking say. So there it is. Yeah, FuzzBuzzB, that's exactly how I'd remember it. It's vacant eyes.

But it's so humiliating already to be sorted in that way. potentially. But it's even worse if it's like, well, obviously they're reading great expectations. You've got a fuzzy ball. Well, that's it like, also, bear in mind, this is like year two, year three. So the stuff we're reading isn't much more advanced than that. But they're still making it a different book.

Still making it a different book. Fuzz buzz. And I remember in like year three. That's not how you spell February. What are you, FuzzBuzz? But in year three, the teacher came in and was like, FuzzBuzz. I've got a very special treat.

fuel and they brought the fuzzbuzz group out to recite the alphabet but obviously to do that to a group of like eight year olds they're not going to be understanding everyone was like I've had this fucking I've had this in the bag for fucking years all the other kids were like furious it was just

the teacher used the word yes that's unacceptable the staff can't be absorbing slang from the body of students that's unacceptable the fuzz buzz are coming in yeah you know the cloud of Because also, just to clarify, it's like, this wasn't based on, like, disabilities or anything about it. No.

This was just the name given to the bottom set of school. Fuzz, buzz. Yes. I cannot get over this. It's so... Looking back, it had such a 90s cruelty to her. But I imagine it's like... As soon as like Gordon Brown got it and he was like, what have you been doing?

You've been calling them what? Yeah, yeah. Fuzz, buzz. Immediately everyone involved got beheaded. Yeah. For cruelty. So my sister went to the year above to immediately just be put in fuzzbuzz

and then they just brought it back down again. It was an absolutely bizarre decision. Like Batman being put in that prison in the desert. You have to fight your way out. If you can fight your way through fuzz buzz we'll put you in the normal year above set. Fucking hell, man.

The teacher can't come in and say FuzzBuzz have a treat for you today. Yeah. And then prod them into the room with a meter ruler and say, go on. Sing the alphabet. No, it's all meant to be like really in. But obviously, like, it was just done to the...

It would have gone better if they'd done it if the year three FuzzBuzz have recited the alphabet to the year sixes. Because they were like, they're just about to go to secondary school that would be more understanding. Doing it to people the same age where we were like, I'm sorry, I've not been rewarded for doing the alphabet. Here's my pitch to make...

Because I think going... You know who is famously able to restrain their cruelty? Children. Yes. No. Yeah. So any year of the same age or above, unacceptable for Fusbushb. Yeah.

If fuzz buzz are going to sing the alphabet, it should be to reception. Because then it's also helpful for reception. Look, the older kids know the alphabet. Yeah, maybe it's that. Maybe, yeah, that's what I should have done. Don't be like, you know who we're going to send fuzz buzz to sing the alphabet to? The 15-year-old fuzz. The cruelest age 15.

You're smart enough to be as cleverly cruel as an adult, but you have the restraint of a two-year-old. Just the most chimp age, 15. Fuzzbuzz. Fuzz buzz, that was the name. What's your emergency? I am not from I do not speaking English. That's okay.

Can you tell me what the problem is? We, um, pain. I have make accident. A car with the pedal. Pedals on your bike. You fall off your bike. Okay, yes. A pain.

Okay, where about Are you hurt? I don't understand. Pain. Where is pain? Oh my, um, has a break. The leg with the... abandon your leg, your knee. Any other cuts or breaks? I have the, um, lacerations on the perineum. I'm sorry, my Gutsch, a fleshy bit of real estate between your privates and your balloon knot. Okay, okay, um, what is, what is your name? I...

I... I... Where in town did you... Did you injure your... My grondel in Lafayette? Okay. Is anyone around you able to help? A man, um... the rep... the medic rap.

Bandage... ...andigry being also on my Biffin's bridge which was shredded the pieces. Okay, we will send a paramedic... Yes, a neat... Doctor... ...who, um... Special. specializes in injuries to the taint.

Okay, we're sending one to you now. Please be patient. Is there any other injury you have? My hand, the left hand, and have a rash on my buccl. Didn't people get your school get described as a bit redwall? I was a bit red wall. Yeah, exactly. That's what I mean.

Yeah, but that just means autism, doesn't it? No, my family would not let me live down the fact I, liked Redwall. Why? Even my parents, and they'd always refer to them as squirrel nutkin. And they knew it,

I fucking hated it. My mom would be like, how's your squirrel nutkin book? And I'd be like, catching strays at home. Do you want me to read? At the age of six, you want to read this 600-page tome or not?

Which is it? You mum would just say, all right, gay boy, and slap the book onto the floor. Yeah, who's the 90s? All moms were like that in the 90s. That's fucking man. But that's different though, because presumably they just thought, oh, it's lame that there's these talking animals, as opposed to, oh, it's a very simplistic book.

Yes. Oh, that's what it was. It was the lameness of sort of like, because also, fantasy. If they turn to the first page, which would inevitably be the Abbott's latest recipe. You know, whatever, it would always... A dongleberry pie. Yes, it was never for stuff where it was like fucking beheadings. Yeah. They get so violent. And it would be dark stuff. Abbott would be a paedophile, that sort of thing.

He'd been looking at Dibbons online. Dippins? You pulled that one out of your ass. Where did you remember that? Dibbends, that's been in my head. Dibbons. For years, dibbons, yeah. He's been Googling Dibbons.

Or are we going to have to come with us? Are you afraid, Mr. Rabbit? Said the badger. Yeah. Oh, well, yes, what, what? Zah! The hairs, the insanely posh military hair. We're going to need the anti-spit hood.

The abbot's... Yeah. But it really ruined... Because in Redwall, there are evil animals. Love the tunic. Because in Red War, there are evil animals. In the same way as Wind and the Willers, the ferrets and the rats are bad. It's so, I guess, speciesphobic.

It's pharma logic. It's farmologic. And yeah, it, gosh, exactly. But then mice. Mm. The mice of the goodies. It was rats. You're right.

It's not pharma logic. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, animals. Yes. But then I was always a bit like. Rats, ferrets, weasels, bad. So, weasels bad, stoats, fine. Mm.

Ferretts. But those are a bit like, suddenly to look at the front cover and you'd be like. Which one is this? Well, yeah. Which is it? Yeah. I'm not a fur trapper from the 1800s. tell the difference between these.

Yeah. So I guess it would have a go by the fact of what they've got an eye patch or something because it was sort of like... A little earring. Exactly, yeah, earrings were the most frightening thing of all. But the author, Jack, something Jack? Brian Jack. I had a signed book from him.

That's mad. Yeah. He would have to pick an animal to be the paedophile animal. If he ever did that plot line. Man. And the abbot was a human man. I never remembered Were they our size?

Was the world shrunk down? Humanity didn't exist. It was inconsistent. They would live in a tree like a skyscraper, but they would still have like a built building. Yeah, was it moss flower was a city that was built into a tree and underground? Mossflower was the city that sank.

So they were still small. Man, okay. But then they would have like... For ultimate, it was all on a leaf. It was all on a leaf. It was all on a leaf. Fuck, yeah, God. I was thinking about like you immediately talk to hate all the rats.

I can't remember any example of in any of the books of one of the characters sort of switching allegiances or anything like that. There was one. Robin Jarvis used to mix those things up a bit and it would be a bit more interesting. There was one where one of the evil animals was like adopted and raised in the monastery in Red Wall. Right, okay. And it seemed to betray them but then it became good in the end. Right, okay.

So it was a bit like he was sort of gradually thinking, I should try and make this nurture rather than nature maybe. But it ends up being like the Nim Chimpsky experiment. You know what I mean? After a while, he'd start dragging the mice down until they become corrupt. And it would just be this awful generation of like, basically, like Charles Manson.

This one bad generation of Redwall. I was thinking about that sort of level of prejudice when... So I went to Wimbledon yesterday. Yes. And at a great time, but I was watching Harriet Dart, British unseeded player, playing against Yelena Osterpenko, who's from Latvia. And there is an inevitability

at Wimbledon that you cheer on the British player because it is home soil. But it became so over... It wasn't Centaur, but it was Court 1. The sound was so overwhelming that we stuck... K.C. and I are feeling really bad. Fas Topengo because he goes,

she's done nothing wrong here. She's playing really, really well. And the idea of going through a particularly grueling set, losing it at the last second, and then hearing everyone cheer so loudly. And then people started to, like, boo as well. And it was a bit like, oh, come, like, because he goes...

Because she can take no encouragement from the crowd being like, no, no, no, no, no, don't worry, don't. For booing, it's just because of where you're from. Yeah. It's because you're not from here. Yeah. Don't worry. It's nothing tribal.

Isn't booing, like, isn't there some guy in a straw boater who's supposed to go, no booing, please? Who fires, like, pot shots into the crowd. Yeah, yeah. It was, no one got, what it was, was she was getting so frustrated, Othepenko that she started sarcastically clapping the crowd. And sort of, like, sarcastically clapping her opponent, being like, oh, yeah, you're the goody, aren't you?

And there was a bit of that. And then she won. So the brick got knocked out anyway. So it was a bit like, you got, you know, if anything, the booing encouraged her. Yeah. I never get it when a sport star was always like,

oh, I thrive on that sort of hatred. The more a crowd booze me, I'm more like to go over and stuff like that. I'm like, oh, no, couldn't. No, I'd drink into my shther. I'd probably go, I'm going to, do you know what? I'm going to stand here and just let them win now because that's what the crowd wants.

It would be polite. It would be the right thing to do. Fall on my racket. Yeah, weird like villainy. Yeah. Just choke yourself of the tennis ball immediately. Yeah. Weird villain energy from sports people who talk like that.

Yeah. You hate on them makes me more powerful. It makes me taller. And that's Emma Raducanu talking. Yes. Like when they take like three tennis balls. Yeah. I always find that weird when I put them in their pockets.

And I think I'd play better if I didn't have two tennis balls in my pocket that might fall out at any point. I can't think of any point. experience that would be improved by me having tennis balls jammed into my tiny, tiny pockets. Yes. But I think to make my opponent scared, I'd take a bite out of one of them and throw it away. Why wouldn't you? You take three tennis balls and then you take two and you put them in your eyes. Like stick them there and you just play like that. Like Luke Skywalker when he blindfolds himself. Yeah, play like that. Yeah. So I'm actually better this way. Yeah.

It'd be good to play Wimbledon set in an evil cloak. Do you have to wear tennis whites? It would be funny if you could do like tennis blacks. It'd be sort of evil. I think there have been like moves towards that. Yeah. But I mean like for say like female players for instance. They're still dressed in like pristine white.

Yeah. But they're still in white. They're still in white. And I'm surprised that hasn't changed because in women's football they're changing it. I think maybe it's also just. like a sponsorship thing where it's like it gets too chaotic if everyone's on all these different colours and stuff. Yeah.

Yeah, if you're playing it in a flowing cape, that would be, because also imagine the swish. You get extra sound on the field. Oh, yeah. Or if you just had like eight, like a spider, eight whips on your back. Yeah. As you move, just a went, pshh. And it would sound like lightning. Like an golden ring box.

Doc Ock. Yes, yeah, exactly that. Doc Ock's one Wimbledon. Spider, you couldn't stop him. He doesn't. hold the trophy a loft, he just lifts himself aloft. Yeah. Holding the trophy. Yeah.

Yeah. Spidey couldn't swing from New York to London, so. There's no skyscraper in the Atlantic. Yeah. I was so drawn in by the aesthetic of Wimbledon. Yeah. The cleanliness. It's just everything so crisp. The whole country could be like that. Yes. Yes. If only you'd let me run it.

It was, it's so, it feels, it feels strangely futuristic. It feels a bit too pristine. but it's um it like it in the same way i love the movie challenges because i loved even the pristine nature of like the areas behind the bits you see even when they're walking through the corridors all just the various murals and framed pictures and stuff it all just looked so clean and crisp it's such a tidy sport it's a tidy exactly that the worst you'll get is a grass stain even then that's unlikely the most kind of uh cutting loose craziness you ever see on anyone is slightly long hair on a man with a headband yeah there's no craziness.

It's such a different world. I don't think I've ever held a tennis racket. It just has not come up. I have tried to play tennis when I was a kid, and it's just like, I can't think of a sport I enjoyed less, or I'm less suited to. Because it's just like, okay, I'll hit it, and then you walk slowly to where it's rolled and pick it up. You hit it back at me, and then I'll slowly trudge to where it's rolled, and I'll pick it up. And then we'll just do that all day and get sunburn.

Yeah, it is, I think as, because V's a very, very wealthy players all with huge sort of sponsorship deals. I do think as a means of making them, you know, you're just a man. You're just a man. Means of leveling them. No boy boys, no ball girls. They should have to have to trundle after the ball, accidentally kick it a few feet forwards, and then sort of reach for they miss it slightly.

Head bumps into the sponsorship board on the side. They should have to do it. They should have to do it themselves. It's such a strange. I can't think of another sport. There probably are many. Yeah. Where they have this real disciplined, like, terrified children have to scuttle after the balls like urchins.

Yeah. And they will get like, like, your day is over. Yeah. You were too slow. Get out. Little crabs. And the crowd are, like, encouraged to laugh at these children as well. Occasionally if they sort of like vaguely fucked up, there would be sort of like laughter around the crowd.

And it was like, what are we doing here? It's the aristocratic roots of the game. Yeah. Oh, ha, ha. The little boy stumbled. Yeah. And Phil. Kill him.

Make him go away. Kill him. I care not how. Yeah, yeah. The umpire's a rifle. That's why they hire up. Rifle or Australia. Yeah.

Either way. The ball boy community of Australia deported there. Yeah. It's one of the Alex Ryder books, I think. He's a ball boy. What's Alex Ryder? Alex Ryder is like teen Bond. Oh, okay.

But not able to be about James Bond. Okay. Alex Petterfer played Alex Ryder in a film that was filmed a lot on the Isle of Man. Right. So it's boy, boy, boy, so it's somewhere between Bond and Spy Kids age-wise. Yes. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think he had to be a ball boy undercover or something at some point. That's something, you wouldn't be surprised to hear that James Bond had been a bullboy. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. It fits the backstory. Were people selected to be boy boys at your, or boy girls at your school? No. Oh.

There was no tennis. Oh, okay. In my school. Yeah. On the Isle of Man. Yeah, I don't know. I just thought it was like across the UK. No, God, no.

Oh, okay. No, I don't think tennis was... There's some really good, um, uh, listener as well, if you're interested. David Foster Wallace essays on tennis because he was like a young competitive tennis player. Right, okay. And he wrote, he writes an incredibly interesting and nice essay about like how incredible it was as someone who, like, he competed regionally across the US. Mm. And so like, compared to the average person, he was fucking incredible at tennis.

Yes. And compared to professionals, he was. just a worm. Yes. And his experience of having that level of knowledge of tennis and going to tennis camp every summer and then watching like Nadal up close. Yeah.

And they're just being like watching God. Yeah. Really good writing. Oh, man. He grew up in Iowa and he realized that he'd gotten really good at playing tennis in wind. So I was thinking every time I was a breeze in the stadium, I was like, well, I see you'd go, oh, cut referee.

Zeus is not on my side. I don't know how to pronounce Eshalus, the big blowing cheeks wind guy Iskolas, is it? Yes, Gaelus. Yeah, Iskullus. Iskullus favours me not. Yeah, yeah.

But he went and did some tennis camp in Florida where there was no wind and he was like, oh, I can't play tennis. That's interesting. I got really good at pole because when my parents moved house, they're excited to have enough space for a pool table. And we had relatives who were trying to sell theirs.

And then what happened was my parents realized they didn't have space for a pool table. And so what we had to do was you had to have the pool table shoved up against one wall. So it was a three-sided pool table. And what it meant was, if ever at uni I was playing pool in a pub,

I was like, I've got an extra side. It was like if you'd spent your whole life playing football with just a traditional two goals. But actually football was played with multiple goals. You'd be like, yeah, okay, like I can put all these nets. All the borders are one big net.

Here's an idea. Yeah. So the middle of the far ends already has goals. in football? Yeah. What if the middle, e.g. the centre line,

yeah. Had goals on the long sides, and you could score in those, but they were only worth a quarter of a point. Well, I created a school game called four-way football, which was basically at a square pitch, but with four teams competing.

Oh, right. But you could score in any of them. Oh, fuck, okay. So I just thought it wouldn't work. But one ball? Oh, yeah, one ball. Yeah, yeah. The moment multi-ball is introduced,

you start to get into a sort of quidditch-based system where you go, we'd be favoring one ball. one board be getting all the attention. Yeah, and then maybe you could sneak one of the second ball around the edge as well. Let's do some correspondals. Nah.

Well, it's happening. Mail, letter, post, message, email, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, not randomness. Correspondence is from Chloe. Hello, Chloe. As I was listening to the Faulty Towers experience episode, available now on the page of on the page.

Yes, and you know what, mine and Katie's gifted subscriptions from producer Felipe had expired because we had been, obviously we've been going for a year. Yes. And so our Patreon gifts had expired. But those Patreon gifts at the time had only given us access to the lower Patreon pay tier, which meant I didn't have access to film pod or to the Faulty Towers dining experience part. Because I couldn't cancel my subscription.

It would be like you couldn't upgrade a free subscription. But I've since been gifted the new ones. So I can, I could listen to Faulty Towers. So I look forward to doing that. listen to it back. For those of you who, some people got in touch saying they're interested in just the faulty towers thing, not necessarily film pod.

We're looking into maybe allowing you to buy access to just that. Yeah, for about £100. £100,000 each per minute. Should we reveal what our next planned experience pod is? Yeah.

Because we got invited to it and we can't go to the invited night. We can't go to the press night, but we are just going to buy tickets and go to the Lady Boys of Bangkok. The Lady Boys of Bangkok, if you don't know, has been a fixture, well, not just of the world, but specifically in my life of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe,

since I started going in 2010. It's just been on every year in the middle. Yeah, it's on a big circus tent in a field, and we're going to go, not even in Edinburgh, we're going to go in London. And we got invited. They reached out and invited us, and we're going to go in London at some point.

Yes, we're going to get to that. And before the end of year, do not worry, we will be going to Cafe Concerto. Yes. We'd likely be going to Madam Tussol, suggested by Simon. Park. Oh, yes, Simon Podcast Parkin. Yeah.

So, Chloe says, I was listening to the Fultytale's Dining Experience episode, driving on the motorway, dangerous in itself, as I have had to pull over from laughing before. Oh, nice. Queen Liz and her dreadful hobby springs to mind. Yeah. Do you know what? There was a market in Melbourne that Katie bought a tote bag from

because it said Queen's Harvest. And I keep over a few money and going, well, the answer is homeless people. Mom's out hunting again. The true Queen's Harvest. The Queen's Harvest is buried in the cellar. Mere minutes after Only Fools and Three Courses was mentioned, this van drove past me and I cannot stop thinking about it. No, no.

Screenshot and link attached. Annoyingly, I was alone in the car so I couldn't get a picture. So, only fools and hearsees. No. Yeah. Is it a, Robin, a three-wheeled car? It's a three-wheeled car to put coffins in. Offering loved ones are totally unique.

Del Boy Send-off. Not totally unique. Also, Del Boy Send-off implies he's died. But when he fell through the bar, he just smacked his head. It was like a million-dollar baby. He was on life support for a few weeks.

I mean, Rodney's so keen to get his hands on his fortune called the plant. Rodney discovered while he was in a coma that he'd been hiding actual millions from him. Yeah. And just in a vengeance. And it also implies to have a Del Boy funeral that your relatives have to have a del-boy funeral that your relatives have tried to save money on your funeral. By getting a new scheme. Deliberately shit.

Some absolute cowboy undertakers. A guy in a fur coat is coming out. Oh, do you an urs? Lighten him with a cigarette lighter. The hers is made of all those spent matches he bought. We guarantee a professional caring and personal service. He says in the lyrics of only Fawson and Horses is no guarantee. Have you not heard the words?

Goodness me. Get your funeral plan, dad, nan. Just change all the lyrics to be about... It says guarantee. Let's hear the song and hear what they promise. Then we've got to change the lyrics to be about corpses. No, but this is... I'm looking at the original version.

This says no guarantees, yeah. Yeah, he says... That's the wrong one. That's the wrong one. That's the wrong one. Yeah. But someone in a real version, he says something about. We guarantee a professional, caring and personal service.

Now, professional and personal, I can believe. Yeah. Caring, I don't wish to be comforted by a man dressed as Del Boy. While he's doing an impression of the character Del Boy saying, so sorry for you a lot. You're being silly. This is silly. Yeah.

They're dressed as Batman, deeply sad, Jubly. They're dressed as Batman and Robin. Doesn't even make sense. What's that about? UK wide and island, friendly and reliable, highest customer care, alternate arrangements. Okay. Fully customized service,

vinyl designed coffins. What does that mean? Check out the link. If we caught together, enough money, if enough people signed up to our film and experiences pod tier, could we... Have a fake, only falls on horse's funeral?

Yeah. But the truth. tragic death of a child and see what they do. Just be like, yeah, they would have loved only fools and horses. Obviously, they never saw it. They were too young. Like, I wonder how much it is. The hearse is like, the hearse is in a caravan pulled by the Reliant Robin.

But the Reliant Robin is the same shape as a hearse. So why can't they put it in the back? Just add a couple of windows. Oh, my God. Man. Celebrate your loved one's life. And if a Trotter's funeral was their character, then look no further for that special day for your loved one.

It's quite an odd. The copy is quite odd. Oh, this is so sad. Do you reckon there are other sitcom ones that you can do for funeral? Some mothers did have them. It's like there's not even like a famous car. Are you being buried? Mr. Hasbeen.

And it's his mini. and they're in a sofa on the top. Just this exposed corpse. It looks like it's driving. It's what Nana would have wanted. And then you get like someone doing a... It's like, the joke is like, oh, Mr. Bean's accidentally doing the service.

Yeah. Goodbye. Dead. They had like a wonderful mural of Nana, but he accidentally sneezing. on it and he had to paint over like Whistler's mother. I'm trying to think of other ones he'd have. Deadie girls?

Oh, God. But a bunch of Irish school girls come to your funeral and be like, what? Everyone is sure, what the fuck is it? Yeah, who did he know? What was he doing on those weekends away? Why are so many girls sad at his death?

Dressed in school uniform? Constantly in school uniform. What kind of fucking weird secret life? What would be the one that was most worrying? I mean, I think the idea of school girls' turning I mean, you could do that to your enemy Be like, yeah, apparently he was friends with all of them Apparently he was friends of loads of he's 15 year olds

You ain't half dead, mum You ain't half dead, mum? It ain't half hot in hell, ma'am. It ain't half hot in hell, yeah, yeah. They're all just dressed in military uniform, though That could be quite mysterious. Yeah, yeah. Would cause the most trouble.

What would cause the most trouble? Probably the school girl's option. I think that, it has to be. Or if it's like a, the, death of someone who's extremely like prominent in some kind of right wing. The soil family. And the coffin is just a big couch. Yeah, yeah.

It's been lowered into the dirt. That guy looks so much like the Yorkshire River. The main one. Jim Royal. Yeah. It looks like the Yorkshire Ripper. I think he looks like Mike Bassett, England manager. Mike Bassett, England manager. Yeah, I think he looks like Mike Bassett, England manager. Chloe says,

Who is sourcing this for loved ones after death? How long will this be a business. It first aired 45 years ago. So it's about time. We say that, but we've recently spoken about the longevity of Dad's Army. Yeah, it's never ending, isn't it? Dad's Harmy. Dead's Army. Dead's Army, of course. Slackadder. Yeah, yeah. When we're in 40 years from now, do you think there'll be a funeral service called like Enns, like Friends?

Yeah, yeah. And it'll just be like, uh, pivot with the coffin. Pivot, whoa. I got off the hearse. And then like a sort of smelly cat type funeral song. Yes, sinister. That's nice. Both feet in the grave. Both feet, brackets and rest of body.

Father dead? Father dead is good. Goodbye, goodbye. That's great. Well, Chloe says I can't take the image of a rotund. I'm not beating the punslinger allegations right now, am I? You're slinging them pretty damn hard. I can't shake the image of a retund Batman and Robin slowly trotting ahead of a three-wheeled hearse,

followed by sobbing family members, bizarre. Will they be an equivalent for a millennial generation? In-betweeners funeral. Yeah. Yeah, like hearse-wankers. Yeah, hers wanker. Yeah, yeah. Being alive, completed it, mate.

Yeah, I think that would work. Oh, geez. How horrifying. Meg gets in touch and is offering us a hell person. Okay, yeah. Dear PNG, today I encountered one of the people who would definitely yell at Glenn for no reason. Yeah. While waiting to pick my husband up at the airport, I went to Joe and the Juice.

It's 30 degrees with no air conditioning in Copenhagen Airport. insane to have an airport with no aircon. Yeah, how does that even function? So obviously a lot of people want juice and iced coffees, but they're all waiting seated. An old woman orders, goes to stand at the counter waiting for her order, and right as she gets there, the guy behind the counter goes, juice for Sana, so Sana, whoever that is.

Yeah. And she turns and yells, That's not my name! Incredible. It's not your juice, mate. They are truly hiding in plain sight, Meg. Good to see a hell person in a while. I feel like dark carpenter's they live.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just need to put on the right pair of sunglasses and you'll be able to see them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Riding around inside their own skin. The hell people. Their body externally still, but inside full of yellow worms. That's not my name. That's a real.

Don't know. Yeah. Prefer not to say. Well, there's people in audiences where you go, oh, has anyone here heard of the Necronomicon? No. Crazy. They just say no on behalf of everyone.

I had this sort of preview last night. Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? Okay. Well, you sound like you have. Yeah.

You sound like you've done something. Do you talk to the TV? Yeah. Do you talk to the TV? You can consult everyone before you came in. Fucking hell, man. Well, we're going to go discuss hell people more on the Patreon. Yeah.

Thank you very much for listening. Come and see me and Glenda the Edinburgh Fringe. It's only a month. And by God, we're girding our loins for it. Yes. You were there for the whole month in the evening. Yeah. I'm there for the first half of the month in the morning

and you're also there in the second half of the month in the afternoon with your best of. Best of show, 1pm. I'm doing a work in progress at 11 a.m. at the monkey barrel. Yeah. The only place I'm talking about it on is podcast. I'm not posting about it on social media because I want you nice people to be there.

Only the elite. Yes, half the tickets have gone. So only half of the date still have tickets available. That's not mathematically true. They're spread evenly. It's sad. You'll figure it out. Yes.

Do please come and see us. And perhaps you might want to come and see us, do a show, live there. Ah. Budpod. In a room. Together. Tickets are going on sale very soon. If you're on our Patreon, you will be getting early access and discounted access to those tiki talks.

So keep your eyes peeled on the Patreon feed for those. Other than that, COG you see you next week. Bye-bye.