BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E56 | Hot Banana

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

This week the buds discuss bog bodies, double acts, England v Mexico, silent film and the Wretch’s graduation.This week's sketch: 'Poop and Circumstance'Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back!Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival - October 10, 2026 - Tickets available here.Bath Komedia - November 3rd, 2026 - Tickets available here.Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVVote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Like, I think we have to cut this. Why? It's not comedy. Too insane. It's too insane. Cut it if you like it. If you do, let's go straight. Let's start with Pierre going, I don't we have to cut this.

That's insane. Yeah. It's Budpod 56. Yes, we're here on Radio Budpod. We've been asking the question, what is the biggest meal you've ever thought of? Debbie's been in touch. to say, I nearly wanted to have four wheatobics, but I had to stop because of sickness.

So keep those messages coming. I nearly wanted to have. Not had. Nearly wanted to. I nearly wanted to have. Yes. Being friends of a millionaire as your life ambition. Being friends with a millionaire.

That was someone I lived with. You lived with. Life ambition was to be friends of a millionaire. It's just haunting. It's such a hauntingly sad ambition. Yeah. Like asking a kid, do you want to be the king? I mean like, no, I'd be the groom of the stool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I just, I know the king. So is there a bride of the stall? Best man of the stool? Best man of the stool. Funny stories about other times the... Yeah, but they're about really clean things. It's the opposite, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do a really, really clean bit. And then you end on something disgusting. Yes, absolutely, yeah. Just to bring it back to the right tone. A horrible job Horrible job Funniest job

Wiping Henry the 8th off So funny If you told a kid that that was a job I feel the same way About like If he'd gone your whole life The only animal you'd ever seen Had been horses

Yeah Then at the age of 25 You saw a giraffe You'd die laughing Yeah I think that's true It's like someone shook the horse And picked up the horse And shook it so hard

The note went Like shot out Like a xenomoff But giraffe's neck's Just picked it up by its neck Yeah, I wonder if you would laugh Or how much would be it's terror We're going to have to do one of those insane experiments

Where you raise a child to have only ever seen horses And then suddenly show them a giraffe Have we left it too late with the sod? Turn 1 at the weekend He won't remember if he's seen a giraffe by now He won't remember if he's seen a giraffe Let's give that a go From now on horses only

Horses only. We're a horse only household Well, we'll keep you updated with them Yeah. My younger sister is particularly allergic to those kind of radio phone-in thing. Yeah, where like the big phone-in thing is like, when's your bin day? Yeah, but not really like, I don't, I think they're a thing of the past because local radio doesn't really exist as much as it used to. In the last 10 years as well, so many got shut down and they've just merged into, well, now they all just play the Jordan North Capital Breakfast Show. Orville all play, like, it's all very sort of simple.

Yes, and it sort of subs in local news if available. Exactly that. Here's a question for you. All right. Do you know what a bog buddy is? A bog buddy. Bog body. Bog body, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the bog men.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, when they find someone like perfectly preserved. Yeah. I had a conversation about this when I was in Melbourne. Did you? Yeah, we did a sort of comedians day out with a friend of a show, Phil Wang, Helen Bauer, Sophie Duker, David O'Dockety, all these sort of people. And David was talking to me, we were talking about bog bodies.

And did you know this? Whenever they unearth one, that's like hundreds of years old, they said, I think this happens in Ireland, like, once every, I don't know, 20 years or so. Yeah. But they have to open a murder investigation. But they have to, the police have to, like, open an investigation. I think that's true of... Of just anybody, I guess.

Or human remains, yeah. Yeah. But when it's so clearly, like, they're wearing, like, some sort of, like, tunic. Yeah. What if it's a cosplay person that's been sort of boiled in tar? LARPing went way too far. And it's a guy called Jeffrey worked at CEX and he died last week. It's a...

It's a perfectly preserved tar man. It's either a perfectly preserved tar man or a murdered quidditch player. Do you then get a phone call from like the Irish authorities going... The guard? We've got terrible news about your great, great, great, great, great. Yeah, the one from the cord and wear civilization, that's right. It can't have been. I saw him just a thousand years ago falling into a bog.

Yeah, did your great times 30 grandfather have a passion for bracteats? Did he wear torques on his upper arms? Yeah, it was a bit odd, I guess, but it was the fashion of the day. That sounds like him? Yeah. That's funny, man. I haven't visited him in his Wattlanddorpe hut for years. Should have checked on him.

Yeah. All the milk was piling up outside his... Yeah, it was just fine, round, like, sort of balls of cheese, that they have wheels of cheese outside his house. Yeah, outside of his croft. Yes. I think Wadlandor would have been a really good name for, like, early 2010 sort of chase and status kind of, like...

Like, eat that, like... So sort of music sort of duo. Playing Redding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please welcome. Whatland's up! I think it's more like a kind of fourth century themed canon and ball comedy act. Like a sort of angry Saxon farmer and a sort of Roman.

Were the... Were the double acts of the 80s and 90s and probably 70s? Did you have anything remotely similar in South Africa when you grew up? Not that I'm aware of. We had a version of Dame Edna. Really? And continue to. Peter something.

He gigs at so-theater sometimes. Really? He's old now, though. Right. There was a version of that. Double X, I don't think so. I don't think so. Sorry, I need to know more about the Dame Edna.

It's the same. Just say, like, absolutely ripping it off and I hope that they hadn't heard of Australia. Not ripping it off. Day Medner didn't invent sassy wig, drag character. No, no, no, not at all. But as similar vibes. But Dame Edna's such a specific character.

But Dame Edna is more about, aren't sort of aspirational middle-class people in the suburbs of Melbourne funny, whereas the South African version... Yeah, because the South African version was a little more politically edgy by virtue of... By virtue of the context.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think it took a bit more guts to be the South African one. I've always admired the respect that Dame Edna would... would demand that people of the generation that would have enjoyed Dame Edna the most really respect her pronouns. Yeah, that's true.

They always refer to it as she and her. They're never like him, the bloke. That guy Dame Edna. Yeah. Yeah, fuck, you're right. Yeah, absolutely cast iron discipline. Cast iron discipline. That's also a testament to how deep the character seems

as its own person. Yeah, absolutely. Which everyone just goes, yeah, unquestioningly. Yeah, God. Yeah, yeah. It's really admirable. I, double acts, I mean, there was... I've never understood the double-act thing.

So I've never really watched Ernie Wise and... Morecambeen Wise. Never understood that. Yeah. I met the guy. I worked with the guy who was the... Katie once told me he just went, oh, you worked with the guy who was the toast.

And I was like, what do you mean? And there's some famous song they did in their house. I don't know which song it was but it's a song he sort of doing their house and then one of them walks over to a toaster and the toast like pops up perfectly and he sort of catches the toast but I worked with the director

who had been like squashed up in a tiny little cupboard ready to push the toast up at the right moment his job was the toast so his job was to kind of ping it up with sufficient force to... Yes, in the same way, like the groom of the stall you had the toast of the wise

the toast of the wise the toast of the... The toast of the... The Toast of the Wise. The Toast of the Wise. Is an item in the game. Yes. Yeah. Or like an ability. Yeah.

It's, but I thought that was quite charming. There was canon and ball. Canon and Ball. Morkerman Wise. Little and Large. Oh, yeah. Who I was brought up on stage with formative memory. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. And they said, what's your name? And I said, Glenn. And they went with 11 ends. And I thought, fuck you. I'm going to go into comedy now. You've done damage beyond your wildest dreams. You have cursed me. as he are cursed.

That's what you said. Your eyes went black. There was a lightning crackle. Yeah, your eyes went black and you hovered for a bit. Yeah, real 90s. You've been on a retreat. Yes.

You needed a spa holiday, is what you kept saying. Yeah, I did, yeah. And I kept saying a 12 months of the year. What's that stupid joke? Oh, well, actually, funny you should say that.

I came up with a really, I came up with a character the other day that I showed to Katie. It's called Reasonable Basic Bitch. Okay. Oh, I need a two-week holiday once a year. And after they've been on a two-week holiday, we go, I'm going to need another holiday in about 18 months' time.

Don't even speak to me until I've had my coffee, unless it's important. It'll be fine. Something like that. Yeah, because I'm trying to sip, and it would be rude. It would be rude if I tried to respond with a mouthful of coffee. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I like this character. Yeah, it's good, just completely normal.

Yeah, it's wine o'clock somewhere where it's after five o'clock. Yes. I had, it's similar to someone I had years ago of the normal cockney. Apples and pears, fruit. Plates of meat, meal. Weird, protein-heavy meal. Yeah, and say multiple plates. Protein loading.

Of just meat. Yeah. Plates of meat gains. What's the fucking Atkins, but also the, oh, God, keto. Keto, yeah, yeah. Did you watch the game? This is the closest I'm ever going to get to football chat with you. Oh, well, I thought you were talking about the Michael Douglas.

So, yeah, yeah. Do you catch the game on Friday? The Michael Douglas film. Oh, I found a pub show in the game. And it's all right. As he sort of uncovers more and more of the conspiracy, everyone's going, whee! Referee!

I, um, police! I like to do that. I always take photos in pubs where there's a TV. on and it's not showing sports. So if they're showing, it's one inside of it's always just showing only fools and horses. So I'll always message friends of mine with a picture of it and be sort of like, I found a place that's showing tonight's only fools and horses if you can get down. If you can get down here in 10 minutes, I've got us a table.

I didn't watch the game. You're talking about the Azteca. Yes. The way I saw it was, it was a busy weekend. Wretch graduated from nursery on Saturday. Yes. We need to talk about that. Magna cum laude.

Yeah. Oh, in which he won an award. that was the, for one thing we did not want to happen. Oh, yes. More on this in a second. Then the sod, it was his first birthday party on the Sunday. And so we were absolutely shattered. And the way I saw it was, if I stay up and watch the match,

which was, before I went to bed and you had been pushed back to two in the morning. If I stay up to watch the match and we lose, I will be so fucked off. And I'll be furious that I stayed up to watch it. And if we win, then it was the last 16. So it's not even the quarter finals yet. It's like, it does... Obviously, it matters, and it's a knockout round, and they all do.

But what I did was I got up at half five, and I made sure not to check my phone or anything like that, and I sat down and I watched it in full. So you did watch it? I watched it in full live. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Because I was like, but what's weird is I got really strange...

So, well, I obviously did, like, play from the beginning. and fast-forwarded through all the, because BBC had to feel like an hour because of the rain delay. Oh, I know. So you watched it. I was awake in a pub. Right, all right.

More on this in the second. I really want to hear about this. So I fast forwarded. Accidentally fast-forwarded too far and fast-forwarded to like five minutes in, still goalless. But seeing like Bukai Sakur on the board, it made me feel really,

I don't know. It gave me a tremendous sense of dread going, this has already happened. And I'm watching it, and I'm going to now rewind that to the beginning. You were like Matthew McConaughey in interstellar. Kind of, yeah.

It was... No, you've got to pass. You got to pass. Don't attempt on the goal. I was... I felt it was 30 seconds of dread and also because there was obviously, because it being half five in the morning, just perfect silence outside. And I couldn't help but connect that to or something...

It's just sober, isn't it? Something's obviously gone wrong. People would surely be chanting in the streets. I just knew something was off. Because... Because I was... And my mind was wrong. Because it was a suburb at 5.30 in the morning was quiet.

And I was watching it at the wrong times after it finished. It's gunfire. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like an insane person going, why isn't anyone celebrating my party? You didn't tell anyone. It's my birthday. Yeah.

So I tell you what I really enjoyed. Five minutes of pure, relaxed bliss winning them a two nil up. That was a five minute period where I was like, you know what? I think we're going to be. be all right. And then I felt physically sick for ages. But tell me, tell me your experience of it. Sitting in a cramped corner of a pub, like we managed to get a little room. So you were away with Phil Wang. It's okay for us to say that. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went on a thing to,

we were trying to get some writing done. So we isolated ourselves. Yeah. In Margate, where we could sort of sit in an Airbnb and try and write this thing. An idea that was riffed on this very podcast many years ago. I won't say which one, because there's been a few. Raw chicken fight club, the movie? Raw chicken fight? We couldn't have the rights to that,

much as I would love them. God. So there's some lovely gigs in Margate, chumps and so on. And through these kind of gig connections, we just got this little corner of a, like I mean, let's say a pub, like a bar. Yeah.

I mean, it was the size of a... It's, it's... One of these bars were, like, the size of a tube station shop. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And the delay just meant you... I mean, thank fuck we were on sort of 3% lagers,

because the delay... So what time did you get there? So you've already had a full day? We got there at quarter past 11. Okay. And you get to one... So that's before coverage has started. Even if it had started one in the morning,

the coverage doesn't start that at that. And the delay's not. known yet. The delay was announced while we were there and you just think, okay. Well, we're here now. There's no leaving. Yeah. No. But it was great. It was a very nice, like, shouty screaming atmosphere. Everyone was tense for the whole time. It was disgusting. It was absolutely disgusting. The thing he got sent off, everyone was just like, oh my God. Conceum. That's when I felt the most moment I did. I will admit, this probably makes me not an England fan. I mean, it makes me probably not an England fan that I didn't stay up. But after that moment, when we then got the penalty,

then Mexico got the penalty in return, I, every few minutes would fast forward for like two minutes just to make sure it was still the same scoreline. I was like, I can't watch all of this. Anxiety, yeah. When it said 11 minutes of stoppage time, I went, I'm not fucking watching that.

I'm not, why would I? When that came up, I just, I said to... Because I thought it's already happened. Well, I said to Phil, they need to stop pretending the games at 45 minutes times two. It's never in my life have I seen one. Oh, it's because of EAR.

It happens all the time now. Back in the day, you'd get one or two minutes of stoppage time, And now it is like nine minutes, I'd say it's probably the average. I was interested in the referee was like Captain Rules, like just obsessed. He loved it. Yeah. It was all very, like a lot of very soft decisions.

But I guess if you're going to be absolute about your rules, then you have to be. But they never are. It was like, it was weird watching a game where like a referee was being like an artist, just being like, well, that's a penalty then. It's exactly that. There was no leeway. It was like, that is technically, it looks fine to the naked eye. Yeah.

But when you watch it about that is technically, what you've done there is incorrect. and you need to be killed now. Whereas I keep walking around the house quoting the referee who sent a player off covering their mouth early on. Yeah. Yeah, I keep saying, number 10, cover his mouth. Decision is red card.

I just keep, just walking around going, cover his mouth. Cover his mouth. The vim and vigor with which he said it. Oh, it was great. Yeah, I'm a big football fan. I'm a lot of the listeners may not be or just flat out on,

I am also really ready for the World Cup to be over because it's been going on for ages. I, the main thing now that feels like it's been going on for a thousand years of the World Cup, the other thing is, is, I couldn't believe that Donald Trump only took office again in January 25. Oh, I thought we were like...

Three years in. Hang on a... So, so election year after next. He was elected in November... No, no, as in the next, if there is one. The next election is towards the end of year after next. It's November 28. On November 28.

They can't change their election dates like we can't fuck around. No, no, no, no. Yeah, well, I know that for a fact because inauguration day is always on my birthday. Yes. So on two birthdays, I had to watch Trump get in. And you're delighted, weren't you? Big orange cake. Tell you why?

Because it looks like I'm throwing a party for it. That's the worst thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a room in a pub the first time round, and it looked like it was like, Look at me and all my... You hired a room in a flat roof pub. Oh, man, such a bad idea. A big...

Because obviously we put it on the TV screens. You go, we're not missing it, are we? A big... I wouldn't miss it for the world! A big buffet of those hot dogs, you get in jars. Like his terrifying, when he hosted an NBA to even, had the McDonald's spread. Yeah, and he was lit like he was trying to offer Faust a deal. Yeah.

It's Memphisopheles. Yeah. All this McDonald's for your soul. Yeah. Yeah, he was one of those means of, like, tag a friend who could eat all this, but you have no internet for six months. Could you?

That would actually at least be, you go, maybe I couldn't eat it. That would be hard, yeah. It's actually quite a lot there. I meant to ask before about the bog body thing. Yes, sorry. How do you think they'd taste? Fuck.

I thought you were going to give me information, or like a little bit of history about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me tell you something. I can do that. I think it's delicious. I think it's the forbidden Bill Tongue. They look very caramel-y.

They look very caramelly. They look very Augustus gloop when he falls into the river. You mean when his corpse is pulled out of the river? Yeah, I mean, fished out of a canal. Looked like a bog body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess he would. Perfectly preserved in a sort of like a caramel glaze.

Yeah, but the acid, I think, I think he'd be. You think there's loads of acid in there. It's acidic, isn't it? All the sugar in the... Yeah, no, the bacteria. Yeah, that's a good point. It's not when I say, like, if you have pineapple in your mouth for too long, your mouth starts to sting, and it's like, oh, because it's dissolving your mouth.

Yes, you're eating yourself. Yeah. Stop eating yourself. The pineapple bully. Yeah, or Hannibal Lecter. Stop eating yourself. I guess you'd say it to someone who's had a couple of ribs removed. A bully who makes you suck your own dick.

Stop blowing yourself. Why do you keep blowing yourself? yourself? Oh, that's horrible. That's absolutely horrible. What a weird bully,

people would say. I do think about that, that Reddit post quite a lot about someone who was talking about their experiences of being able to do that. Oh, yeah?

Enjoying it. Oh. Because they said it just felt like they were, they felt more like they were giving than they were receiving. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like trying to tickle yourself, basically. Yeah, because they didn't sit on their own mouth and make it go, no. Go to the dentist and then go suck yourself off. The post isn't designed to be hilarious, but the problem is they've just italicized every use of the word dick. And that makes it so funny.

It just felt like I was sucking someone else's dick. As other posts comes across. Like it's a blue link on Wikipedia. Yes, yeah. Why is every time they use the word dick, I know I can click it. Yeah, yeah. Is that a famous relative or something?

I'd click the first one if I wanted to read more about it. Have you ever played the Wikipedia separation, degrees of separation game? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You set someone to target and go get their via for Wikipedia hyperlinks. I love that kind of thing. It's so, yeah. Random article as well is quite good,

but because it is random, or as close to random as you can get, it will just be a town in rural Russia. or India. I tried to do it to just a sort of, I guess, to become a more rounded individual, was trying to find ways of doing that years ago and thought, once a day,

I go on Wikipedia random article and just read the article. And what happened was the first few were like, barely, like one sentence and then linked you back because it was about a cylinder from a 1950s car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But doesn't exist anymore. Obviously cylinder was, you can't find this cylinder anywhere. Right. Or it would give you, like, Africa. And you go, I'm not reading that. Yeah, yeah. Sorry that happened or I'm happy for you. I'm not reading all of life.

Half a book. Yeah. Yeah, that doesn't make you a more well-rounded individual. It makes you more of an artist. If out of nowhere you pipe up about a fucking defunct cylinder. Well, I used to sort of kind of almost avoid the history of certain parts of the world. Yeah. Because I wanted to sit down one day and just fully do it from start to finish.

the Wikipedia or a book? No, no, a book on it or even the Wikipedia page if you just wanted the... Right, in layman's terms, what's the simplistic version of this? What's the summary? Yeah.

So, like, okay, well, how about like destabilization of the Middle East? Okay, fine. So every time there'd be a new sort of like, a car bomb's gone off and back down, I'd be like, do, do, do, no, do, spoiler, I haven't... I need to go and start...

I need to start from the beginning. It's okay, so the history of so many things for you is like the wire is for me. I just think I've missed it. I've missed the chance. It's too much. I've tried the wire three times now. And I get about five episodes in, same time every time, and I go, this is like, I remember watching...

Are you just sitting there going, why aren't they using mobile phones? Yeah, like in a horror film. Just use your phone. I went through a phase of watching loads of Fritz Lang films, the German silent movie director. Yes. Because he had like Metropolis and M, those were like his two big ones. When he had Dr. Mboozar, which is like six hours long. But M is definitely...

It's about a child killer who whistles... Hall of the Mountain King, or the Alton Towers theme. And that's the only bit of sound you get. So it will just be a silent street, and then you just hear like, and it's like, it's really, really haunting. Yeah. And Metropolis is a fantastic film, but you, the patience the early cinema goers had, it will show you a ticking clock for nearly a minute.

Just to sort of go, so it's three o'clock, by the way, and you go, yeah, because, yeah, it's been three o'clock for quite, like, it's mad. Is it just because the sheer novelty. of it being visible. I can see. The thing is moving. It's got to be that. I think as well,

they just went, people will be fat, maybe as well, if this is really early cinema, you go, well, we don't know how, you know, like, quick cuts of,

like, Bohemian Rhapsody, like it won best, the best editing Oscar. But the edits are absolutely absurd. Every split second there's a different. Terrible.

So you go, I guess back then you go, is that going to bamboozle people if we only give them three seconds to look at a screen? We need to have everything on the screen for minimum 30 seconds to let your bed in. Maybe it's that. I think it's that.

And also, maybe it's because of the novelty, yeah, like the initial VR games. You're like, this is terrible. This looks like the bit the 90s Simpsons episode with. And they go, yeah, but your eyes are in it. Yeah, it's not enough. It's not enough. I'd rather wait. I'll wait until it's finished.

I'd rather play a better looking game that I'm not VRing in. Yes. So I'm not saying I have in any way. TikTok brain. No. But I wonder if the wire, TV from 20 years ago, people did just have a significantly better attention span. But what is...

But I tried watching The Wire even 10 years ago. I just couldn't... But you're saying you always stop at the same bit? Stop at the same bit because I go, I can't see when this would get interesting. So it's almost about not what is happening before my very eyes. It's also the potential for anything to happen. And I can't fathom the potential.

for anything to happen. But it's about drug dealers and corrupt cops and the... I mean, what's... It's just... I'm obviously wrong. I know I'm wrong. And every time I've watched one of those shows that people go, is the best ever. Breaking Bad, completely agree. One of the best things I've ever seen.

Sopranos, Katie and I never finished. But it was phenomenal. West Wing. Absolutely love it. But there's something about the wire. I'm like, it's also reasonable to not enjoy a piece of art. I'm like, maybe... Yes, it is reasonable not to enjoy a piece of art, but if someone loved nine different landscape artists,

and then not a tense, you'd be like, I know. I'm so much more interested in that than someone who just doesn't like landscapes. So this is what has frustrated me about myself when watching The Wire, but also, just to clarify, it's not like halfway through the episode, I go, no, no, no.

I just never get around to that sixth episode is what happens. I then leave it months and months. I'm like, I'm just not in a rush to watch that next episode. Something about the character, like, you just think, I don't care about these guys? Yeah, and I think I need to sit in a... I think I need to sit locked in a room and be forced to...

like clockwork orange, match sticks holding my eyes open. You're right, Glenn, I'm watching the wire. Whether I like it or not. I'm watching the wire. I've heard I love it. Because I've heard about plot points or lines of dialogue that happened later on. I'm like, that sounds fucking amazing. Omar sounds amazing.

So much of it sounds great. And I just can't. I mean, have you watched it? No. What, fuck you! I didn't give up on it three times, though. That's different. No.

I haven't tried. I'm put off by being too late to the party. Yeah, my other biggest shame is Better Call Saul. Just wasn't in a rush. And I love Breaking Bad. I haven't seen The Breaking Bad film that was on Netflix. I haven't watched that. You don't need to watch the film.

No one needs to watch that film. Better Call Saul is good. And I love Vince Gidd again. I love... It's fucking slow. Yes, I'm aware of it being slow to the point where I go, well, I would lock in. I would actively lock in. There shows that you have your phone ready for.

and then there's phones that you have to treat as if they're subtitled, and you go, I need to be eyes glued on the screen all the time. I only watch like that. Yeah. I can't phone watch. No, I realize I get to the end and go, if I had to sit in the exam afterwards, then I'd fail.

I think there needs to be a consequence of having a Netflix account. I think every time it registers that you have finished watching an episode or something, it should give you an exam, and you have to pass that exam to get to the next episode, and it would improve people's comprehension of TV shows, Well, you have like an Uber rating. Yeah, because... As a user.

Obviously, this trope, and I don't know if... I don't really know if I've identified it in any TV shows or films, but now, like people were saying in the final season of strange things, you know, writers being told to repeat plot points over and over and again. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's noticeable and it's awful. Make them set a fucking exam. On the app.

That's better, instead of having to make the writers change their art. We pay extra 2,000 months to have an exam-free version. Yes. Make easy phone. Yeah, exactly that. For me, you know how in the press when they're like, and I think it must just be horseshit, but who knows, when they used to be like,

the queen has worn her top hat-shaped brooch, which is a very witty comment on the Dutch ambassador's visit. Yeah, like we have a Susie Dent would sort of say, today's day of the word is reform politic cunt. Oh, right. What could that be? Yeah. It's an ancient word that means it's, yeah.

When a silly man who drinks beer says naughty things. Yeah, yeah. But when I look at my phone during a show, it is a signal of complete contempt. Yes, in the same way, it would be in like a live event. Correct, yeah. Yeah. But for most people, it's just some phone now. Yeah.

Phone now. I now have to make sure it's like it's on the other side of the room. Because I can't help myself. Happens a lot in video game cutscenes now because loading times, video games, it used to be phone time for me. Oh, this Skyrim's taking a whole minute to load the next bit, so I'll get, well, I'll have to look at my phone. But now it's also instant. You go, well, I'll have to save it for the cutscenes.

The best bit for plot bits. I have to keep playing this game. No, I never knew about the Queen and her brooches and stuff like that. He's always in the press. Do you know it was as much truth to that as the bananas in the toilet thing? Biggie a pardon? Do you know about this? It's obviously not true. Bananas in the toilet.

Is it, what do you think that means? What do you think that means? Tell me, come, come, tell me. I think it's where they get the photos from for those articles where it's like this one food can help remove all your belly fat. It's a photo of bananas being boiled. This will remove your gut. Yeah.

What? But boiled bananas. Hot banana. No, this was something about... Oh, it's when the queen kept getting caught shoving bananas in the toilet. Ha ha ha ha. Just a second! Mom!

Yes! Your potassium levels are too high, Mom. That's why you're not allowed bananas. Oh, she has bananas! It was... Was that it? Some urban legend, no, no, no. But it was someone's job whenever the queen needed to use, like, a toilet,

say, like a public toilet one that wasn't her own. Yeah. But someone would have to go into, like, the cubicle next to her. Yeah. And basically slice bananas into the bowl to disguise any sound of the idiot. Now, I'm not making... This isn't true, but also I haven't made that up.

Do you know what I mean? Okay. That's an urban legend, but I haven't made up. Are you sure? I haven't drank that. I had the most wonderful... Awful dream. Yes.

Yet the groom of the stall. I mean, the banana slicer of the bar. No, it would have to be the Marquis of bananas or something. Yeah. It's also It's so funny if that's true If they had to go. Banana Squire. That's the most similar food style.

To the Queen's dumps. Not to everyone's dumps, but to hers. Better than like, um, to disguise the sound, someone empties a, uh, a squeezy ketchup bottle. And to get, no, no, just a salad. No, no, hang on. I'm not oil. Someone, someone pours, dry.

Lentils into the toilet. Yeah. Someone has a lansom tune, like a 1930s building, and they go, thump. There's a sort of dry thump. Bang. The bananas thing is not going to work.

No. Because what's going to happen is you're going to hear the rhythmic sound of banana segments plopping into water. And you go, I wonder if that was the banana. Excuse me. I wonder if that was the banana farting.

Plop, plop, plop, plop. Plop, plop, plop. Someone fighting for their life and then just the gentlest splash of banana. Yeah. I thought you were going to say that the banana is used as a kind of muffler. Like a silencer?

Yeah. I'm putting a pillow on the end of a gut. A bit of banana in your bum and it just shoots out through the banana and it's quiet. No, it was like... Because in my head, to sync it up, but you'd obviously have to have a view of the queen. Because otherwise it would be like in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where he's trying to break the library floor

and there's a man stamping books at the same time and he keeps thinking it's... It's the exact reason why they have that clapper board at the start of filming is to try and synchronize sounds. Yes. So you'd need to have a sort of bum clapboard Bon clap, okay, go.

But you'd have to be trained to time it from infancy. I guess you'd know, she'd be like, um, three, two, one, now. Activate. Activate! But you'd train with your, it would be the closest relationship. It would be like being a horse whisper or something. Yes.

It would be so, where you'd say, who do you think has the most kind of just instinctive understanding of you as a person? And you'd be like, well, the banana guy. Yeah. He just has this natural sense for what I'm like and what my life has been like lately. And knows what you've eaten the previous day.

He knows everything. Heavy night for Liz. Too many G&Ts. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Where did you hear this? Just a guy. Down at the barbershop.

A guy whispered it to you. Come here. Your hairdresser whispered it to you. Yeah. While he was putting that flaming stick in your ear. And something for the weekend. A story, if you will say. A tip?

I'd like a story, please. Very well. Like when Kate Winslet's boss gives her a tip at the beginning of the holiday. Yeah. A wedding is due to be announced. That can't. Yeah, yeah.

I hear a certain monarch. Let's have a look. So, the queen, I'm going to type in the queen banana. Queen banana toilet. I couldn't find anything on it. Genuinely could you know. Only about people

cutting up bananas for her to eat. The Queen? Like, she didn't want to eat it. Were you only, she didn't want to eat it like a, like, like, it reminds me of burning. I don't want to look like someone taking a photo of me, then it looks like I'm sucking a penis. The queen's like a really homophobic, kind of toxic man. Oh, no, I genuinely cannot find anything. What a horrible, you've made, realize, I haven't made this up.

I haven't made this up. This is like kissy-kissy and I was vindicated, so. Only via our listeners, research. Oh, that was incredible, yeah. I can genuinely see nothing on this. Okay, I think what happened is you heard about her having someone to cut up her bananas for you. Yeah.

Oh, and oh, so that it disguises the sound of the... No. For pooing. Yeah. I think you heard that while you were on the toilet and your brain just misremembered. We see here now in the procession something else that makes this country unique part of the pomp and circumstance we do so well.

We have seen the page boys comprised of the young sons of earls and barons and marquises throughout the country, some of whom will grow up to inherit their father's lands, some of whom will not. We've seen the age girls or ladies in waiting, the daughters are the same. We've seen the steward, the sergeant-at-arms, and various other members of the household who have roles still in Parliament. but bringing up the rear here, rather appropriately, if I may make a joke at such an auspicious occasion, we see the groom of the stool, the stools of the groom of the poop, and the poop of the king.

These are servants whose rose date back to the second, possibly earlier. There's one carrying a symbolic solid silver banana This represents the banana that he cuts up While the king is at shit Of course it didn't used to be a banana Very modern Part of the modernisation of the monarchy That happened under Queen Victoria

It used to be I believe cucumber Courgette When the court was French-speaking behind him the next official carrying a bunch of grapes for when the king is dehydrated behind him a tureen of soup for when the king is unwell and behind him as his tradition a series of um

sort of eclays and of of medium density for when the king is uh for when the king is at his best. And it's fair to say he's been at his best today, very dignified leading the salute of the palace earlier with the Grenadie of Guards marching into the tune. Have you ever had a situation where like music has stopped playing as you were saying something incriminating or... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It ruined a date for me.

Years ago, I was on a date with a girl who blaze and we were sort of, the dating was sort of like on and off and I just couldn't get her to be interested in me. But she would keep agreeing to dates She'd keep agreeing to go on dates But I wouldn't hear from her for ages And I was like, this is like last chance alone She obviously isn't going to work And I went to, I went for dinner with her

In St. Albans where she lived And we went to a restaurant And there's like music playing And like, and she, and the way to come over And said, what would you like to order? She said, you go first And I said mine and she went, oh no, you can't And I went, why not?

And she went, because I'm going to have that. And I said, we can both have it. And she went, no, can't. Ed Gamble disease. Is that? Is that why he has? He's got this, yeah. But she went, you can't have it.

And I was like, but I've said it first. And it doesn't matter to me. Yeah. So I was like, okay, Venno, and she kept them in this night, you cannot have this. And I thought she was being sort of quite joking. And I went, Blase, wouldn't you fuck off? But as I said it, the music and the restaurant stopped. And it came out, I was Blaz, wouldn't you fuck off?

And there was like clatter of cutlery sort of people that looked over. And it was awful. We never, ever saw each other. God. Ever again after that. Yeah, that was a bad one. That was a bad one. The most embarrassed I've been in a restaurant is when I was gigging in a restaurant.

Me and Johnny Leonard, who you know from old. Who I said, I'm going to kill myself in front of. Yes, of course. Yes, and who got in touch to clarify what he thought. To clarify what he thought had happened, yeah. Yes. We shared a half hour each friend. a month in the basement of a Lataska in Edinburgh. Yes, because I asked you a few months beforehand,

do you want to split an hour, and you'd already agree to do one with Johnny. I remember this. We got a duck in the Lataska, and it's where the kitchen was. So from upstairs, you go, just kind of Spanishy trumpety music. And then, like, the most distracting was when anything came out sizzling.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Birthday time. The whole audience, just, what's sizzling? Oh. Yeah, you just want to go, it's for heaters again. It's for heaters again. It's for heaters again. Listen to my anecdote.

So the queen. Yeah. Yeah? You want another queen? There's nothing worse than accidentally putting too much spin on a ball, as it were. Yes. With that kind of fuck off. Yes.

Yeah. I didn't. Ah, shit. Yeah. I went a little too. Sorry. Yeah. Come back.

Yeah. I put too much stank on it. No, I can't ever meet up with this person ever again. I think actually my worst restaurant moment was the, uh, the Silver Service Food Exam, Nick Clegg Restaurant. That's three separate references, so the people who have started listening to the pot at different times would be able to understand.

But once when carrying out food for a Christmas party, my boss was in front of me. He used to have to wear a waistcoat. I used to have to wear a shirt tie and an apron like around my waist. Yeah. And we went to sort of turn around and go back to the kitchen and we couldn't move.

And it turned out the back of his waistcoat had somehow latched onto my belt. So we were locked, like, my crotch to his bum. You make a like sort of waiter's rat king. Of waiters rat king, in the middle of the restaurant. And we couldn't untie it because he was like, he kept to be like, it'll be undignified. Because it was like the sort of people at the restaurant

would be sort of like, like, the people you get in Frasier where, like, the super slate, they're like, I've never been so offended all my life. So we had to just silently, like, walk backwards in unison. Do your staff and dress in the restaurant every night. But we had to reverse Congar our way back into the kitchen. We had to like homo-going back into the shrubs.

It was so degraded. And then try and unhook, like, I had to take my belt off and he had to take his waistcoat off at the same time. You lived Fulte Towers dining. I lived Fulte Towers dining. It's happened to me before as well when I was going to the Lill on a train years ago. You brought your bananas? I suddenly just, I had my headphones in it.

This was back in the wired headphone days. Imagine someone doing that. That is horrible. Through your lap. Did you ever someone sitting on the toilet and doing it through their own lap? Through their lab and then having to really shout to the whole carriage. Now I'm bringing a banana into the toilet.

I don't want any of these slices. Yuck. Every chunk of this banana is more flushable than the last. I don't know what's wrong with this banana because it fucking stinks. The trolley sold me such a stinky banana. Look out, guys. Oh, I've clogged it with all this lure.

I'll try to get rid of these slices of banana. So, so, so. We're just describing a really unwell passing, an insane path. Yeah. But, um... Yeah, the queen. So, um, I was, I was walking towards the bathroom and I have my wired headphones on. And I suddenly, like someone with, like, getting a shepherd's crook around their neck, got yanked back.

And what it was, was somehow my headphone, like, the wire of my headphones had gotten entangled in the zip of a girl's handbag who I'd walked past. And it had gone under through, up and over, and was, like, nestled neatly inside a handbag strap. And we just couldn't, we couldn't remove it. And she was like, she was trying to imply I was like, David Blum. She was like, have you done this? And I was like, no, no. I don't. Have you done this?

And she was like, because I've got to get off at the next stop. I've got to get off at the next stop. And we just couldn't get it out. And eventually we were like, well, I guess her handbag is worth more than my headphones. So she just had to take my headphones. She just got my headphones. She just got to have my headphones.

Because it was even that where I'd get off at Northampton and I live there now. To listen to music. To listen to music. Can I have a bag, honey? You lost your headphones because... Because it got latched into someone's This is somehow the pheromone

No, it's not It's just bad luck It's just bad luck These things happen Yeah, but the, I don't know Did you do this? One day I'm gonna get fucking Killed in a multi-car

Like pile up on the M1 And you're gonna go Classic pheromone It's gonna be the pheromone In the same way It's gonna be like one of those mysteries Who no one knows why someone crashed And the Sherlock Holmes figures out

Like a bee got in through the window Yes, yeah yeah But it'll be the pheromone If you sneeze and cause a car crash The official cause is like an act of God Or something like that Is it? Yeah

What if you... Does I go over everything, sneezing, coughing? I think it's specifically sneezing, because sneezing involves closing your eyes. Can I... People should just fucking say that. I sneezed. I sneezed.

Something to do with the eight pints I had. Yes, and that's... I got really sneezing. Yeah, and then I just kept going back over my neighbor who I hate and his ex-L bully. I had a sneezing fit on my neighbor. Yeah. Through my car via my car.

No, I don't have a car. I am I'm trying to think I can't quite remember what it was that I was saying I think I was describing something gross or rude and then the music cut out that's happened to me a few times or if they like the music in a pub

the playlist has been put together by some complete freak and it goes from like tonight's got me god night it's a hard you know fucking bullshit and then it just cut straight to like Sufjan Stevens. Oh, yeah.

That's... We're gonna die. Simon and Garfunkel. Oh, America. And you go, so it turned out it was like, it wasn't a banana, it was a poo. Yeah.

Shit. I said. Yeah. That's the worst. Speaking of weird music, the wretch's graduation ceremony. Yes. They had to perform their songs.

Yes. And I was insisting to you that they did have to sing Tyo Cruz. Which you did at Cambridge, didn't you? It was all in Latin, but it was... Yeah, yeah, if you translated. If you translate it. If you translate it.

If you translate it. Which you shouldn't. Yeah. It's bad luck. So they added the word graduate. Graduate. They did that with loads of songs. It's kind of aggressive.

Wet ass graduation. And they did a very moving rendition of stand, didn't they? Yeah. tears in graduation as low. Graduation in the wind. Diana version. Diana version. I went to a karaoke bar in New York that had the Diana version of you could do cattle in the wind,

regular or Diana. And it had in brackets like Diana version. They had awards at the graduation ceremony, you know. Katie and I obviously insistent that the wretch will never go into the arts. Yes, yeah, yeah. Wanted to have a boring job. You've got the wretch. Be an actuary.

Playmobile accountant. software. Serious, serious job. Calculators. Academic. Yeah. They had awards for everyone and he won Most Hilarious and our heart sank. I thought, fuck. That's not the encouragement we wanted to give.

Is he like me? Yeah. Yeah, he's really funny. No, no. Fuck. Most hilarious. No, he's not. I've met him. He's a bit. Yeah. He's a little baby.

I can't remember the last time I smiled because he walked into the room. So, dwell on that, please. Nursery. Well, he's four, I guess, right? Yeah, he's going to be five in a few weeks. Yeah, so he's like a prop comic, really. Oh, it's all prop comedy. It's silly faces. It's clowning, it's...

He's carrotop. Maybe it's carrotop. A carrot top, but carrot top had an invention. Because they were inventions. Yeah, he'd sell a tape a wheel to a shoe and create some fucking... awful perin top is terrifying to look at now he's like a sort of a jacked clown yeah yeah yeah he's like really muscular fight clown

a fight clown he's like something from the warriors yeah he looks like he's about to ask me to come out to play while like clanking something yeah yeah yeah he looks like the leader of a kind of mad max gang yes that has sort of stumbled across the tattered atomic

singed remains of Zippo's circus and misunderstood it to be some kind of powerful king. There's a character in cyberpunk who looks just like him and he's got a live grenade for a nose. It's exactly that. That's what carrot top reminds me of. Grenade nose. Yeah. But that's what he'd get... Yeah, he's pure mad max.

Are you ready for you next dad on Live at the Apollo? It's Immortem Joe! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Do not become accustomed to punchlines. Or you will mourn their absence. Is that what he says? Morn their absence? Yeah. Like the version of an applause break is people spraying that metallic stuff on their teeth.

What a show. What a funny show. We have both done shows where essentially people in the crowd have been spraying paint on their teeth and nose and screen. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, a lovely show! We've done those gigs. That's a real. Yeah, they're real people.

Oh, my God. I'm fascinated by the idea of saying, if I've told you once and I've told you twice, I'm going to graduate. It's quite a fucking aggressive. If I've told you once that I've told you twice, it's time to graduate. Like it's dynamite.

Yeah, like, it's dynamite. I did ask you, do you know what dynamite is? He dodged the question. Okay. You say, I'll ask you again, Minister. Yeah. Did you threaten to overrule it? Do you know what dynamite is?

It'd be really weird if he was really into those sort of archaic weapons. Yes, if he knew what, like, TNT stood for. Yeah, or like, didn't know those, but he was like, I know those landmines that sort of fly up in the air and sort of explode around midriff level. I'm familiar with, yeah, I'm familiar with daisy cutters. Yeah. Who told you about this? Yeah, when did you know, napalm and the like, but no.

Dynmonite. No, no. Diamond night, no. The anti-personnel devices I'm familiar with tend to use Semtex or other more recent plastic explosive. Dynamite was a weird choice of lyric even for that song back in the day. Some people would refer to stuff as a, it's a ticking time bomb. And you go, what year are you from?

Bucks money. You're ticking, a ticking time. Have they ever ticked? I don't think so. I think they're only from Acme. I don't think like the Nazis ever made them. No, it's as dangerous as a war. a wall with a really convincing door painted on it.

But Acme did use to sell to both Allies in the Axis. They were fully huge. It was like USA, they just sold to whoever. Swedish company, yeah. Yeah, big weights that they could drop on the Allied forces. Yep, anvils. Yeah, anvils. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes you can find anvils that still have swastikas all over there. It's because of Acme. Big trebushae, paint that makes a door on a mountain. Cliff faces that make it feel like you're. are walking along a surface, but when you look down, you realize you've been walking on thin air for five seconds, and only when you notice is when you fall. Yep, really big slingshot. But big things of those, yeah.

Big slingshot. And mallets that when hit over a Nazi's head would crush them into a pancake, and then they'd walk like an accordion for ages. That's what Joseph Goebbels had a limp, because he'd been accordioned. You can see that footage of... Oh, here comes Joseph. The last footage of Hitler before the end of the war, when he's handing out those medals to the Hitler youth in the ruins of Berlin.

And he's got one hand behind him. He's not showing them his weak hand. He's also not smiling because his teeth turned into piano keys. And all fell out and made a jingling sound. Well, if they saw his hand, they'd noticed that he'd hit it with a hammer. So it was now like a sort of bright red light bulb. Yeah, like glowing. Yeah, yeah.

Disney World War II. Yeah. Well, they made a lot of... Suffering! Sark on Tash! That's what he used. As he said in this bunker in downfall. Yes, yeah, if you translate it, he's just saying,

uh, uh, shush, I'm hunting wabbits and things along these lines. Yeah, I thought I saw a Winston Churchill. I like the idea of Winston Churchill as a kind of incredibly fast. Yeah, and the way he runs is a bit like the mask. He moves both hands to one side and then sprints in the opposite direction. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Leaving a kind of Winston Churchill cloud. That sort of whirlwind, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've learned a lot.

We've learned a lot. Well, now it's time to go to the paper. Patreon. We're going to do some VIP correspondence and discuss in more depth what Bogbodies will taste like. Yes, I do want to know what you think they'd do taste of. You'll find out. Also, tickets aren't on sale yet, but on the August 16th at 1120pm, a monkey barrel, you can see us do a live episode of Bubpot. And if you're a patron subscriber, you'll get advanced sale access and discounted tickets, and we'll keep updated on that. We'll also be appearing at the cheerful, earful podcast festival in London, October the 10th, 1230 p.m.

That's lunchtime, 1230 p.m. On a Monday. It's going to be a nightmare. Why are we doing that? It's on a Saturday. Tickets are available now. Link in description. Come and see us at the Bath Comedia, November the 3rd. At 7pm, we've been speaking about this one on a few episodes now, but yeah, we'll be in Bath. Come and see us in the Bath. And remember, as you can see Pierre and I individually at the Edinburgh Fringe.

I'm just doing a work in progress for the first couple of weeks. But for the last couple of weeks, you're doing your best of. And throughout the whole month, you're doing your brand new show. At the monkey barrel. You can find tickets. If you just go on our respective Instagram, look at Piano Valley or Glemour, and you can find us and also on Budpod, our Instagram page of that. Give that a follow.

Thank you very much. We'll see you next week. Koji.