BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E568 | Geists & Dolls

Episode Date: September 30, 2026

Youtube Version Here!This week the buds discuss Medieval healthcare, Glenn’s auctioneering days, Kim and Aggie, mad neighbours and correspondence!This week's sketch: 'Mock the Week'Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back!Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival - October 10, 2026 - Tickets available https://www.tickettailor.com/events/cheerfulearful/2230576Brighton Komedia - October 14th, 2026 - Tickets available - https://www.tickettailor.com/events/cheerfulearful/2378930Bath Komedia - November 3rd, 2026 - Tickets available https://komediabath.co.uk/events/128649554-budpod-live-2026-11-03-19-00-00/Catch Pierre live at the Soho Theatre! September 21st - October 1st - Tickets available - https://sohotheatre.com/events/pierre-novellie-okay-one-more-then-bedtime/Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVVote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Attention Podbuds. We've got a double plug for you. If you missed my new show, okay, one more than bedtime at the Edinburgh fringe, then do not worry it is coming to London and it is in London from the 21st of September. So that's really soon. The 21st of September all the way to the 1st of October. And speaking of October, Budpod Live is on the 14th of October in Brighton. another Budpod Live to add to your list. So we have the 10th of October, that's London. Midday, Clapham, be there. This is the new one we're adding, 14th of October. That's in Brighton. South Coast, come on in from your little swim in the horrible cold sea and check us out. And then if you are in Bath, we will also climb into the Bath with you on the 3rd of November. So there are three Budpod lives scattered around the foot of England And hopefully we'll see you at all of them And if I don't see you at them

I would love to see you at OK, one more than bedtime 21st of September to the 1st of October at Soho Theatre So that's soon, soon, soon. It's Budpod 68. 68. I have bad news about your fate. Okay. Yeah.

This is a new doctor. A new way of talking to patients. I'm afraid there's been an omen. It bodes ill for you. Yeah, the x-ray is showing a portent. A fiery dragon flew over the GP surgery while I was examining your testicles. And it's bad news. Yeah, showing you what you think of a Rorsat test, but actually it's sort of like, it's just x-rays of your lungs.

That's really bad. Why would you show you this? The capillaries are screwed. You're all in the shape of your dad's dick, et cetera. Ha, ha, ha. What, um, that brought to mind the sort of, the sort of thing a medieval doctor would say. How long do you reckon you'd have lasted in the medieval times? In the medieval medical profession?

No, no, no. Ages. Black and whatever. Yeah, leeches, you know. Yeah, just in, in life. Because you do have asthma. I'd just be dead. And hay fever.

I'm allergic to hay and horses. I mean, I'm dead. Yeah, you can't be as outdoorsy as you need to be. Yeah, and I need all I would. In medieval times, it was difficult to. find indoors. It's difficult to find an indoors. You had you had to make your own indoors

out of turds. Out of shit in mud and old reeds. Yes. So, like, is there a bathroom here? I need to Wotland Door. God, I'd give it 15 minutes if I were you. I just built a Wattel and Dorp settlement in there.

I just left signs of habitation. Because, like, what? What was it like to be someone in medieval times with OCD, you know? I think you'd have to be a monk because then at least it's like, rules, rules, rules all day. But in terms of how other people would perceive you, it'd be sort of like, did he see Edmund washing his dick in the stream? That's the second time this month. Everyone would think you're weird because you've washed your body.

Buy any of it. But it fits with superstition. Yeah, yeah. So if you just go, I need to touch the doorway of my hut three times on the way out, or everyone in my family will die. Yeah. Instead of going on, that sounds like OCD, everyone around you will be like, shit, do I need to do that?

Yeah, being such a clean freak, you try and display which behavior so you get the ducking stool. I needed that. A big dunking. Should we start a spa? And it's like, you know that kind of like Tumblr, we are the witches you couldn't burn or whatever. Yes, yeah, yeah. Like all that kind of sassy I'm a witch stuff.

Make a spa based around that. Yeah, I think. So it's one of the, it's a dunking stool? Ducking stool, and I think a very gentle rack. It just gives you a good stretch. Wasn't there a part of you that saw, you know, diagrams and paintings of the rack and thought, for a second that feels amazing? Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pull my spine apart a little bit. Oh, yeah, I needed a track. Yeah, yeah. The torture are going, you're very tense. It's because of you. Yes, it's because of that weird black hood you're wearing. And also no t-shirt.

Yeah. Why aren't you wearing a t-shirt? Oh, yeah. Hood and topless is so awful. Black hood, no top. Really big, like Conan the Barbarian belt. Yeah. And like big boots.

Yeah. Enormously, it looks like a fetish thing. Completely. Completely. Yeah. It looks like a combination of some kind of Berlin fetish uniform and the Zodiac Killer. Women love a man in uniform. Executionershood.

Swiss Guard. Yeah. Big buffy pants. Yeah. In a party shop, the advert would be called like a guillotine companion. Yeah. Why can't you say executioner? That's a fully copyrighted.

Head remover. Yeah, you can't say that. They get really funny about it. Disney owns the word. The mouse will get you. If you try and go to Disney dressed as an executioner, you'll get turned away for multiple reasons. These days, you can't even go to Disney World,

walk around dressed as an executioner, and silently point at Mickey Mouse. Well, did you know, the rules in Disney is, technically no one has ever been executed at Disney. They wait until the body's outside. And then execute them. And then then declare executed. Yeah.

It's true No one's ever shit themselves at Disney They make you leave Go to the car park and then they go Oh no you stink You're covered in shit What is it about all these cars That's made you unleash

Now that we're out here I'm starting to Yeah I'm really starting to get that I that wasn't like that in there They need to keep so many Nothing bad can happen in Disneyland Well yeah because of the rules That you'd

Technically it would be the longest Anyone has survived without a head For instance Because they go, yeah, it took two hours to get the body outside. He survived two hours of that ahead of him, and for some reason, leaving the park. Like it's in the Garden of Eden.

It was like a demon going into a church. That's when he immediately disintegrated to... If people who work at Disneyland try and leave, it's like when you go out into space without a spacesuit, they're just like... Yeah, it's that they get a return to Disney area, five, four, like all the Trinity. Yeah, and they explode if they don't.

Yeah. leaving fun zone. They've got those jeweled collars on. Like, we're running. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The goofing man. Yeah, it's so fascinating.

No one's ever been executed at Disney. Literally executed. My spy idea. Yes, yeah, yeah. It's going to be called hex. Oh. Yeah. Like, as in obviously,

H-E-X, but would you consider doing like C-K so people think it's potentially the chicken sausages? Oh, and so people go like, It's either something to do with witches, or I'm going to have long bank holiday weekend access to hundreds of spicy chicken sausages. Yes, or it's an exclamation from Wallace. Yes. OX.

But it's all the treatments are stuff like witches, ducking stool, being tied to a log. I think Holland and Barrett, in for a penny, in for a pound. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Should definitely make all their products look like. What is that one spirit? You see at bars where it is It is the... I mean, so thought you meant ghost.

What's the name of that? What's that one ghoul? Who's that geist? Who's that geist? On the tip of my time. Isn't there a song about a guy, something, a guy in Greece? What a guy? Oh, no, I'm thinking, what a man, what a man, what a man.

No, that's not in Greece. What a mighty good man? Yeah, no, but anything with guy and just saying, Guy, geist. Yeah, yeah. Geist and dolls. Yeah. And it's about Annabel and ghosts.

So you see it at bars. I've never owned it. I've never known anyone who's owned it. But it's a particular type of spirit. I imagine it's one of the more an acidi sort of ones. But it comes in like an orb that like the king would have to hold in his coronation. Oh, yes, yes. Shambord.

Shambord. That's the one. Shambord. Yeah. People added to other things. Yes. Champagne? Maybe. But I think.

It's like a mixer spirit. All like vitamin D tablets in Holland and Barrett should be in that sort of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd go in. Well, like in a saints relic, like when they have like a real person's skull, but it's covered in jewels and gold. And it looks like a kind of magical item. Like I imagine. And that's full of vitamin D tablets.

That skull vodka is, I imagine so much more popular because of what it comes in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to auction that off once. Did I ever tell you I worked as an auctioneer for one night? Come on. Come on, man. It's not going to sound mad when I tell you the context behind it. Dinner lady, auctioneer.

Yeah. Oh, I'm like Frank Abagnet. With all of the like not particularly prestigious jobs. Yeah, yeah. Like you're, you, you. Ones that aren't high stakes. Yeah. It pretended to be an auctioneer.

What happened? He just spoke slower than normal people would in that job. He sold stuff. So that's clever, isn't it? So it means that you can pretend to be one. Well. You were the dinner ladies uniform in hairnet, grinding confidently with aviators on through an airport with loads of models around you.

Loads of dinner lady. Yeah. That tabbath's too big to check in to hand luggage. It was my first radio job in Sheffield. And one of the women who worked in marketing was like, hey, you have a broadcasting voice. You're one of the broadcasters. Would you be willing to be an auctioneer for like 20 pounds? I imagine she'd asked, she hadn't even bothered asking like the presenters because they

I'd go, I'm not doing that for 20 pounds. Yeah. But I was like 21, I was like, I'll do that for 20 pounds. Yeah. And when you're young, you think, maybe this will lead to something. Yeah, I was like, this could, you know, it's all stage time. And it was a bar in Sheffield and her husband had a lot. Her husband used to play for Middlesbrough when they were in like the championship.

So that's a decent, decent, decent, decent salary. Very, very, very wealthy, like, couple. And loads of his mates were there for this auction. I don't know what it was for. But it was being sponsored by that, that skull. Vodka, which I think is, is it Dan Aykroyd, am I right in thinking that? Ooh, the Ghostbusters vodka. Yeah.

Mm. So... Is it tequila, like Crystal Skull? Oh, maybe it's that. Maybe it's that. Yeah. But I was having to auction off that and loads of other things like a helicopter trip for two, the chance to meet Ronnie O'Sullivan.

Yeah. A signed tennis racket from Tim Hemman. Free ober jeans are the golf course. Yeah. It's always like a really random combination of a food you're like me about and something like golf. and you go, yeah. Monogrammed his and hers bras.

And so I was just having to, I was just talking nonsense because I was like, this is, I just did sort of an approximation, like an impression of what I thought you meant to say. Yeah. As an auctioneer. And I auctioned off everything. Stuff was going for like 5,000 pounds and stuff like that. And I was auctioning it all off. And we zipped through the evening in like half an hour.

It was great. and in one of the most terrifying moments of my life someone of the organisers came over to me afterwards and went well that's great, thank you so much and I was like, no problem at all and she went, right, so who won what? And I was like, I haven't been

taking any notes. I haven't... I haven't read this. What do you mean? I don't know. Yeah. It's like, it's like, yeah. How would you?

If you were Conan at the end of the Oscars, who won what? He could probably name four things. Yeah. Because it's not his decision. But how are you supposed to... I wasn't given a pen of paper. I think they were just like,

oh, it's like one of those waiters where it's all up here. It's all up here. But were they holding up paddles with numbers on? No, it was like hands up sort of thing. Oh, well, then there's no way of knowing. No way of knowing. It was completely pointless. Because when they hold up a paddle that has like 15,

you can go, okay, well, whoever 15 is. But also, I wasn't going to remember that half an hour later. No, no, no. Yeah. I don't know how the whole evening was resolved. I think they just ran the auction again. No. Well, we don't know who's one what?

Well, you just got to... So you don't know how they fixed it? I have no memory of this. Yeah. That's really stressed me out. But 20 quits, 20 quid. So... Do you know the best way to fix that?

You just announce, okay, everyone come line up and... Yeah, tell us what you did and what the bid was. But then, come on. By losing a lot of money that way. Don't say, just say, well, we all know who. you are, and we all know what you bid. So come and get it. Because it was 15.

And the money? And then just whatever they hand you. It was all cash. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. It probably must have been. Yeah. I would never sit in an auction, I don't think.

Have you ever been to one? No, I've hosted a charity auction. Right, okay. Or I've... Was it one of those sitcom ones where it's like, Win a date with... That's such a sitcom thing that comes up. loads, doesn't it?

Bid on a guy. Bid on a guy. A geist. High school reunion, boss is coming over for dinner. Yeah. If anyone has completed that Holy Trinity, then you live

in Springfield. Please do let us know. Yeah. Do people applaud when you walk into your living room? You have to wait for everything to quieten down so you can be like, can I fucking talk? I'm trying to say, honey, I'm home. Are all of your extended family

incredibly famous guest stars? Yeah. Do we all tend to in the living room or, even when walking around the kitchen, face the same way. Does loads of stuff happen in our house more than the average person? Happen within our house. How zany is our house? Uncle Ray Romano.

It's like... What are you doing here? Grandpa Ben Stiller's dad. Yeah, I mean, I don't have a brother, but if my sister came over to my house as much as Niles does to Frasias, I'd be like, do you have a home? Do you have a home? Maybe that's where they had to engineer him hating his unseen wife. Yeah, hating Maris.

But then he has the whole storylines of living in the Shangri-La and all that sort of stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He has to come over constantly. It is a thing in other places. I know someone who lives up north and they are always going around to their family's house and having their family come around to their house, like constantly every day. I guess it's if you're on the same kind of road sort of area.

Or even just in the same area. I think it's a cultural thing. It's very like, it feels quite Italian. or northern places that are friendlier and louder than around here. Yeah, I've got to say... We're in the cold-hearted southeast of England, Glenn. Katie is from Newcastle. Her family of it all see each other far more than my family do.

There you go. Yeah. Yeah? That makes sense. Jordy's popping around. Yeah, I see my family as much as if you have to sort of... You're sort of five years into having a parole officer. And it's sort of like a check-up every quarter.

Still sober? Yeah. Still going to church. Yeah. You see your parents, you piss on a cup for them. Oh. Jesus. I mean, speaking of parole, I had to take Beefy the Sod for his first shoe fitting.

Oh, it feels pointless. Kind of. Is he on his feet at all? Yeah, he is. He's walking. He's fully walking. But I'm going in a couple of weeks for his third shoe fitting. Because like in the Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman's character read, he keeps being turned away.

it's so about they go No, he's not ready yet What? Yeah, he keeps getting turned away From the shoe shop It's one of the things where like If you start on shoes so early on It's actually detrimental

They need to be walking Barefoot Barefoot as much as possible Really? Oh, I didn't know that Yeah It helps like build up the feet It's like a

To be fair I didn't wear shoe When I was a kid in South Africa I didn't wear shoes For like half the year But was that because it was nice and warm Oh yeah Yeah, but also like, like you're still like, you're not wearing shoes, but you're like running in a grassy field with like hard soil and stuff.

Wow. It's like Hobbit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have like Hobbit. Yeah. After a while. Like in summer, a lot of people just, especially at schools are just like, like, when my parents were growing up, shoes weren't part of a school uniform in summer. Really? Yeah.

Did everyone stink? No. But your feet are really exposed? Yeah, but to what? Because the smell of feet comes from stinky cotton cloth with sweat. Does, but surely also just, you're picking up so much dirt from the outside. No, but it's dust. Still.

It's hard soil dust. Dust can stink, that's my theory. Dust can stink. That's my new conspiracy. Dust can stink. I'm running for local town, like the local council, parish council. Yeah. And I'm running purely on the platform of dust can stink.

Dust can stink. Not dust dust dust, it can. Yeah. You want to hoover the parks. That's your platform, isn't it? What's underneath all that dust? you're saying. Yeah, it should be a good

Mott the Week episode tonight. Sorry, Rhys, Piaz just messaging me. Have I done my sketch yet? Have you done your sketch yet? No, I've got it all written out, but I'll record it when I get home. Fuck. Have you told him you haven't done it yet?

It doesn't matter. It's not due till tomorrow, so I'll record it tonight. You've left it so late. I'm going to have to tell him. But you don't have to tell him. I'm going to do this sketch later, so it doesn't matter.

This is really bad. This is bad. I'll ring him now. No, don't. It's not your problem. It's not worth telling him. Also, I forgot to do the sketch once and he got really upset. Like, as in angry?

No, he just wouldn't stop crying. You do not have to tell him, honestly, this is none of your business. Hey, Harry. Glenn hasn't done a sketch of Budpod yet. That's so bad. It doesn't matter. I don't listen to the podcast, but I'll need to tell whoever you do it with. But you don't need to tell Pierre.

I'm going to do the sketch later. I have to tell Pierre. Has anyone got his number? Why do you care? Hey guys. Right, I hear, before anyone starts... Glenn hasn't done a sketch of Budpod. I'm going to have to tell Pierre.

Oh, he's going to be so upset. This is why Phil had to leave. Have you not done your sketch? Dara, I'm going to do it tonight, so Pierre doesn't need to know. You're in so much trouble. What is Bud Pod? I think one of the most childish things I really still want to do is take a hoover to the beach.

That's good. What would it be like to hoover up all that sand? And if someone walks past, you react like when someone blocks you when you're trying to clean the house? Yes, yeah, yeah. Like, annoyed, like, asking some baiters to put their feet up. Yeah, can you lift your legs up?

God, when was the last time someone did this? Fucking hell. Do you live here? Yeah. Do you live like this? Fucking hell. Yeah. You completely flooded over there, by the way.

Just hissing little and often under your breath. Yes. Like, what's her face from how clean is your house? Yes, Aggie. Agie. Kim and Aggie. How clean is your house? house.

Yeah. And the answer was always, I'm ill. But not so ill that this has to become a channel five thing. Yes. You slip down the channels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. BBC one is for the,

it's for people in suits. Yeah, yeah. BBC two is for the classiest of bird life. Mm-hmm. Or gardening. So you go, okay, so you're working for the people in the suits, but it's in a nice big sort of, you know, a lovely country garden.

Yeah. ITV is alright, well, okay, you're auditioning for a singing competition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you remember of the public. Yeah, is that. Channel 4 is you have an illness

and channel 5 is you have a sickness. Yeah, yeah. Channel, I'd love to see how clean is your house but it's just Aggie and Kim and Aggie? Kim and Aggie. Kim and Aggie just going, oh dear, with like a mountain of cat corpses and like turds of peace.

Yeah, yeah. The home of leather face. Look at these meat hooks. When was the last time you gave them a rinse? You don't tell me you eat on this table. Or covered in skulls and shit. Who's this? They redo it and it's like,

they have this wonderful sort of montage where you see like the before and the after is all like, Leatherface's bedroom now has like rocket ship wallpaper. Ruminous stars on the ceiling. He's still got dungarees on, but he's finally got a T-shirt underneath. Yes, yeah, yeah.

And he's got a little propeller hat on. He's now got like, yeah, very clean like Miss Rachel Dungarees. And he's sort of grunting and pointing excitedly at the glow and the dark stars on his ceiling. Nice, aren't they? How do we explain how clean is your house to our American listeners? If you're not from the UK, if you don't know this show, I encourage you to look it up because it will be a kind of, I think if you're not British, this is the kind of show you'd

imagine British television having. It's like something the onion would make up to make fun of our TV. Well, I guess in America it would be like. like the untidy equivalent of your shows that are all about obesity. Yes. America's version is, how big can you get? How big can you get? Yeah.

And you win if they need to remove the side of your house and take you out with a crane. They win if you can only be given an MRI at the zoo. Yes, yeah, yeah. Which is a real thing. Yes, oh, I know. I'm fully aware. Oh, man. Once you have to have an MRI at the zoo, I'm afraid we're going to have to x-ray you the way we do guerrillas.

Does that make the gorilla self-conscious? The guerrillas are, me not. Because the gorilla's like... Coco, not like... Yeah, what do you mean MRI at the zoo? No, it's because you're a gorilla. It's not because you're big. I only eat fruit.

Coco ripped. How cocoa be more healthy. Coco on my fitness part. Logging protein. My fitness ape. Watermelon hidden in log. Yeah. Type it in.

Yeah. Peanuts from tourists. Shit. Yeah. Yeah. They keep just logging stuff they type in the first two letters of enrichment and it auto-complaint.

Enrichment 500 calories. Pumpkin as reward. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Recently dead relative. of after a few days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, chimp baby. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, the, my fitness pal

logo. So, so much. What is the logo? It brings to mind the old BT logo. It's like a white, it looks like a star, but it's actually someone like, oh, it's like a leaping gymnast. Yeah, the, the, the, the final freeze frame shot of like Billy Elliott. Yes. Yes.

What I, noise me is that that, that's someone. like gymnastics or acrobatics or a ballet move, right? Yeah. And my fitness pal is about food. So why someone dancing? Yes. You can not exercise, to be fair. Yeah, but not accurately.

Not what it's for. Running yes, wait, no. No, what does it know? Yeah. It knows nothing. Yeah. And running as well, like it does, no, it's horseshit. The logo should be some sort of silhouette of me

frowning through a window at a display of, of pizzas. It should be like a hungry boy. Or the sort of angle you got in like the Sunny T adverts or that frittata advert, inside fridge looking at person. Yeah. Of you just looking at one egg. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And an apple. Why it's in your fridge, we don't know. It should be me grimacing as I pour egg whites into a pan. Mm. Yeah. That's what the logo should be. Yeah. Yeah, it would work a lot better.

Yeah, whereas the BT logo is. a boy with a long pipe. Horrible little flute man, yeah. Horrible little flute man. The pipe boy. Yeah. Here's a, I've got two earworms for you. Okay.

That have been in my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, kind of little things that I can't stop repeating to myself. Little thing I have to always do. I don't like it when people, and it's always British people, because only British people talk like this, when they try to shorten television to telly. Telly, yeah.

Yeah, but when they spell it, T-E-L-E. Yes. Because that's not T-E-L-E. That's T-L-A. Or T-L. T-L. Just write a T-E-L-L-L. That would be like the Greek, ancient Greek god of television.

T-L-L-A. Yeah. Of communication. Tele. I have to read it as T-L-A. What do you think it should... T-L-E-L-L-Y. Yeah.

But I see T-L-E-L-E. Everywhere now. Yeah, like we've spoken before about The immature way I say, I now know it's Helicopter. Helicopter. But I say helicopter. Yeah.

Like a baby. I repeat what I said at the time. Helly is the abbreviation. And what you're saying is people would, the people who write Tele would write H-E, Heel. Yeah. Hellen without the end. H-E-L-I.

But that is Helly. Yeah. But they wouldn't say television. No. But that's disgusting. Television. But I hate it when people write on Instagram in our business. Like, can't believe I finally made it on tell.

And it's like, no, telly. So what you give me is an earworm that actually is a vocal. It's a tick. It's not a, I was expecting a song. No, no, no, sorry, sorry. I mean like a tick or a. Yeah, that's going to bother me now. Yeah.

Thank you. Tell it. Thanks, I guess. Teller, ta'a. Teller. I hate it. I hate it. So I'm a teller.

And whenever I read it, it's like having a seed, to put in between my teeth for the whole day. Yeah. Until I forget it. An absolute pebble in your shoe. Tell it. The other one. On my street, and she said this to me months and months and months ago.

Okay. But on my street is a Dutch lady. Yeah. An older Dutch lady, very nice lady. Yeah. And she was telling me about how one of the neighbours is mad. Okay. There's a house on my street where,

even though it's like free parking, not free parking, but like open parking, you don't have a parking space. No. You can park anywhere with a residence permit within like a kind of six street block. Oh, I used to have this in my old place, and you'd see someone get into just outside your flat

just before you and you'd want to go, look, I can see three other places. Would you, I know it's going to sound mad. That's mine. Yeah. I know it isn't, but it is mine. So there's a lady, and she's like a married, like mom.

She's not like a mad crow. There's a lady who's so insane about it being her parking space. Right. But the Dutch lady was telling me that someone parked there, and she, like, ran out the house to, like, berate them. And they got into a big argument. And then she ran back in the house, then ran back out the house and, like, splattered her, like, baby's nappy

all over the fucking car. Like, baby shit all over the car. Isn't that fucking mad? Yeah. You're the same, because that's where you live. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That's my name. That's a member of my community. Isn't that insane? That is vile. There was a... The road I grew up in Croydon, there was a family opposite who had... Maybe this was pre-nappy bags being a regularly available thing. I know it wasn't.

But they would just drop like a fully soiled kids nappy into their bin outside. And there was one time where foxes just got to... their bin and then and when we woke up in the morning not only had a particularly filled nappy been dragged into the middle of the road but a car had gone over it. No, come on. And they just had no sense of shame or sense of oh my God, this is obviously us. We're the only people on the road with a baby. It was just strewn across the road.

Like how I imagine it must look like if you got run over. It was, you know. It was what a visual effects place would use to demonstrate, like, foley, visual folly. Well, like, if you got hit by a car so hard that you just, like asterix, it shot you out your nappy. Boo! Into the sky, and all that was left was your big shitty nappy. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, that is all weird thing in cartoons is that people being frightened out of their underwear.

Yeah. It's unnecessarily sexualized, I think, as a concept, because you go, a dick is out now. This is how I feel about the Emperor's New Clothes I think it's such a strange story where the ending and no other kid's book ends in so everyone got to see the old man's dick It's the only time a book has ever ended like

That would be a good bit The Wretch has got the Emperor's New Clothes This is a book And it's like the opening credits of Austin Powers All the images Yeah It's all just like very People's heads in the way

Yeah nothing phallic It's not like an enormous brat vust Or anything like that Everyone got to see the king's fat dom. Yeah, and it's so big that the stuff covering it doesn't fully cover it. And I'm looking Quinton Blate's going, sorry, but that's just how big it was. I'm trying to get across how big it was. Look, it's famously the case.

It's, I'm trying to be historically accurate. This is a real king. The king wasn't humiliated. Everyone went far. That's the reason he's a king. Good. Yeah, that's what I want. Good, good.

This must be God's decision. He, yeah. A dick with a hapsburg jaw. But the wretch genuinely like complained. He was like, we can't see his willie. And I was like, yeah, that's a good, this is a good thing, but we can't see it. The artist is doing us a favour. So he was like, I've been promised.

Yeah, we got this from the top shelf. Brown paper wrapper. It's all like Julie Donaldson, the Gruffler. And so from the top shelf Is Adam and Eve. Yeah. Like getting to know your body. Yeah.

Emper's new clothes. It's through a beaded curtain in a kind of back room. And there's still like little kids browsing in there, but somehow they've got like little mustaches and dodgy leather jackets. Yes, yeah, yeah. Killing a long mac. Ponytails. Yeah, yeah.

Little boys with mustaches and ponytails. You know, oh, don't go very seedy. that's Waterstone's kid's section Soho Yes oh yeah Yeah very special yeah So my tick from this horrible story Oh yes Well the thing I keep saying to myself

Because of a nappy Is because the lady telling me this Has a strong Dutch accent It means I go around the house Saying to myself She wiped a car with a baby snappy Wipe the car As if you

paid for a car wash. Have they used the wrong shaming? It's not saying that off a Bito. But it has to be baby snappy. Baby snappy. Baby snappy. And said with a really, like, mournful, because there's a horrible story.

And it's like, she was giving me bad news about my new neighborhood. Yeah, yeah. Does she hurt the car at the baby snappy? I always feel like that. I'm opening the fridge. You're going, baby snappy. Do you think there is like a Swiss family? who mock her sentence they overheard you saying went on holiday once.

Definitely. And they still, to this day, say that. Definitely. If I mispronounced German or something like that, they're like, oh. It makes me so self-conscious about it because I knew what my family and I used to say. When we were growing up, my mom had a colleague who, it was like, my mom was a nurse. And one of her colleagues, I think, was from Greece. But when someone was late for work, whatever, I go, oh, is he hovering on Mickey?

That's good. But to this day, this is. like, this is like the late 90s, and to this day we'll still go, oh, you're having a Mickey. Having a Mickey is good. I had, and you had a guy at my school, he said, are you taking my piss?

That's great, I'm going to start saying that. You're taking my piss? I'm going to start saying that, that's great. You're taking my piss. My piss. Yeah, but any, that, it still works, and it's funny, and it causes people to stop just for a second. It's more personal. It's more personal. It's bespoke. But this lady

didn't say anything grammatically wrong at all. No, not at all, but it just flows so well. Something about it, it's just like a way. Because it was a horrible story, so that helped it stick in my head. Yeah. And the mournful tone combined with baby snappy. Yes, it's the mournful, it's, it's, it's the sadness behind it, the full sincerity. Yeah. That's done it there.

Just shaking my head to myself as I just like fry an egg, going, right to car with the baby snappy. Yeah. Wiped. Horrible. Yeah, so T'Ale and Babi Bishnappy. That's been my day. Well, thank you for giving them to me. Yeah, it's like vampirism.

Yeah. I'll be interested to see if either of them stick. I think Telet, Teale, is more likely to stick than baby shnapping. Yeah, because I'm probably going to see that more from one. I don't know. You have two kids. Oh, here we go. A note of my phone.

I was just going to write singing my phone. And here's a not even joke. But I just need to have said it. Okay. No one will ever laugh at this. Good. Bonjour. Jimmy Bell, Billy Elliott.

Just needed to get it out. Fucking hell. Just needed to get that out. Okay. Yeah. It's not useful to anyone. I just needed to get that. And you don't even speak French.

No, I didn't even know what it means, really. I had to, before I came out, to look up to make sure I definitely had it right. I speak zero French. Unusual. I'm a very rare Brit in which I reckon I have. I probably couldn't count to 10 if I tried. I probably, oh, cumulatively probably, you know, like, I don't know,

50 French words or whatever, but actually, like, couldn't form a sentence. Don't know what anything individually means. Although, also, like, a lot of French words are just, I mean, it's like, Specification. And you're like, right, okay, I know that one then. Yes, yeah, exactly. Specification, fine, fine.

Oh. Yes. Now, let me see. We have a message E-mail, text dispatches, SMS, and randoms correspondence

We have a message from Stephen Hi Stephen Hi Stephen Dear playing snake on my Nock Pierre 33 Glenn Wow That's really good Wow You could have removed all of it up until knock

Couldn't you? You could start with Nokia. It didn't need any of the snake. I liked how unnecessarily convoluted that was. Good job, Stephen. Most elaborate, Knock Pierre 33 Glenn is fucking great work. Prairie's redacted for a wonderful pod in Hort and Fiona. Season 2, episode 66. Pierre wonders if Peter Kay was only funny in the Amarillo video

because he was, quote, fat and shiny. I'm sure 99.9% of Podbuds enjoyed this, little joke on their breakfast or commute or poo. However, it gave me existential angst in front of the toaster, as I heard, fat and Chinese. As though I was saying, he was only funny in the Amarillo video because he's fat and Chinese. And for those confusing few moments before King context graced my auditory processing with his presence, I became genuinely worried that for my whole life I hadn't noticed Peter Kaye was in fact Chinese. Not even worrying...

Egg fried rice! One, ton, Liu Bao, Chow long, chow long, chow liong Bao. It's quite hard to do with like a northern accent and say like Mandarin words. Oh yeah, really? Shen, yeah, it's not, Chen Yun. That would be a good combination.

What a situation? Who he remembers life before communism? Communism is a future off yesterday. Felix, I wouldn't question Felix Knights as the name of a Chinese restaurant. Absolutely. It would be a Chinese restaurant in the kind of 1980s British Hong Kong fusion vein, where most things are just meat and red syrup. But it would still be a popular restaurant.

Oh, yeah. I went to one in, oh, God, it might have been like looting. It was before a gig. It was like an all you can eat Chinese. No. No, no, years ago, forgive me. But I saw a guy literally open like a Sainsbury's, packet of like sandwich chicken, you know,

there's this chicken slices. Yeah. And just like emptied them into a tub of red coat because it needed topping up. And it was like, oh, come on. Come on. It's so gross. So, so gross, man. Oh.

Oh. When you have a dodgy Chinese in like a regional part of England and it's like tinned chicken, it's got that harrowing softness to it. Look, this is now going to sound snobby about Brit. tastes with international foods. But I am...

Sneering. I am British, but I was doing a gig in Shoreum a couple of weeks ago. Oh, yeah. And I walked past on my way home. A really lovely looking curry house. It looked great. The smell was amazing. I looked through the windows like a little lurchin on Christmas.

The lint chocolatier. To see, like, obviously a work-to-of-like 20 guys in like the 50s or 60s. Blocks. Bloody blokes. And the... Nightmare front row. Nightmare front row. And the waiter was...

Two waiters were wheeling in, like, a tray after all their mains were coming in. The amount of omelets. No. It was such like a... You're kidding. Oh, is this Dom Dolly's new hidden camera show? Sort of thing.

What happens if we... Mr. Beasts... It was so many chips. What happens if we order 50 omelets in an obviously Indian restaurant? Omelets, really? Like, omelets, chips. It was... In the year of our Lord,

crazy. It was either that or like the most sizzling curry you've ever seen from like a dick-swinging guy who's like, I will have dire air on sight tomorrow and I want you all to know it. Omlets. Don't go. That's one of the snobbiest attitudes I've had recently on a sort of. Oh, fucking hell.

I think it's because I wanted to be in, I was running for a train, I wanted to be in that restaurant. I wanted to, and I would have ordered well. But they were squandering your gift. No, but also, but actually, They probably much more appreciate some of my economic because I can whip this up in two minutes. I just need to make a bland thing, that's ideal.

In the same way that I have a sense, I have such a misplaced sense of smugness and pride when someone at the front of me in the supermarket is purchasing a ton of stuff and it's taking the cashier a just to scan it through. And I will then walk up proudly with like one can of deodorant and be like, just this please. Like, uh-huh, see how I'm giving your company less money?

efficient. Yes, if it's better for them. I'm not wasting your time. Or giving you money. But I think it's a waste. Do they just go to the Indian restaurant because it's like, well, look, it's the only thing open? Possibly, it might have been the only place

that did like a table for 20, possibly a short notice. Omelets, though. It was mad. I didn't think it was omelets. It was like definitely a folded egg. But hang on, this is different though, because, because, because, because these guys, even if they are bloody old blokes,

These guys were what in their 50s, 40s? I'd say it was at late 50s, early 60s. Okay. Is that relevant? Yes. Okay. Because when we were growing up, someone who was in their 60s and ordering omelets and Indian takeaways,

when we were children, is now 85 if they're even living. Yes, yeah, yeah. So a quarter of a century should be long enough for these people to have tried a coma. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it hasn't happened for that. You can hold that against them, I think. You guys have had a quarter of a century of Indian food being the most popular

type of food in the UK. Maybe they were doing, maybe they had a deal on, buy six omelets, get one omelet free, and you get at an Indian restaurant, what do you mean? By 18 omelets. The amount of eggs is being poured into a big vat by baffled waiters. Yeah.

Just going, fuck it, yeah. I think that's, you were right to... That office won't smell nice the next day. It's not going to smell any nicer than if they all had Vindaloo. That's what I mean. It's one or the other. Yeah.

We're going out. for our annual fart dinner tomorrow night. The fart feast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The wind banquet is tomorrow night. So, so, get ready. Get the Rennies ready by the bed. Yeah, you don't have to be flatulent to work here, but it helps.

You don't have to be flagellant to work here, but it reeks. Yeah. On-site nappies available. Revolting. So. I think you were right to. So we heard from Seb Hi Seb

Dear Pierre and Glenn The Flower Pod Men Nice Doesn't fully The Pierre bits are relevant I'd say Yeah Yeah

Well They could use some of your middle name Uh hmm Gwill Gwill Gwill Pod men or pot men The flower pod men

Flower pot men No flower pots They are flower pot but we're pods Aren't we pod Budpod Oh fuck of course Apology Seb Bang

Ah! False executions are illegal. I've recently been looking online for a t-shirt of my baseball team that I support. The San Diego Padres. Brackets go Padres. Okay. That's quite a religious... A Padres.

Yes, yeah, yeah. A priest. Well, just even the fathers. The San Diego fathers. Go Daddies. Go Daddies. Should we start a really a... a really violent, like a proper 80s, like Sheffield.

Well, like, the Thumb. Yeah, yeah. Wolverhampton Daddies. A football team in London called The Daddies. Yeah. And it's famous for its fans being like, they make the Italian ultras look chill. Oh, yeah, the Rice-Lip Daddies. Absolutely terrifying.

Yeah, Rice-Lit Daddies. The Rice-Lip Brick is just a bigger brick. Yeah. The Rice-Lip Knife is a knife. It's just very literal. Yeah. Because they don't think metaphors are for weaklings. Yeah, nice.

At the daddies. The rice-lipped daddies. For my three-year-old niece. I think it would be funny, as she has no concept of what baseball is. And neither of her parents are interested in it. Yeah, why not? Novelty t-shirts for the three-year-old. Do you have any novelty t-shirts for your children?

No, my sister has a boy. I have a nephew. And my sister dresses it. He's so cool. He's got like long hair. He's like two. Yeah, he's about two. and he's got like really cool long hair

and he always wears like Ramones' t-shirts and Rolling Stones t-shirts and I've already said to my sister the days are fucking numbered because he's going to start wearing things he likes. Yeah. Like, you're going to have to move to Bluey eventually. Also, like...

He's going to start looking really uncool. For his generation, the Ramones are going to be like... Shoeba-da-bo-bub-bub-bub-a-bub-bed-a-dibbon. Do you know she wore a red ribbon? Tip-toe through the julius. He's going to... He's really laughing. your head back and talk,

what? Hello, my dear friends. Tiny Tim. So you could have told Tiny Tim back in the day, hey, you know that song that people of all generations enjoy? It's going to feature on a movie in decades time, and it's called Insidious. So guess what that's about?

Your song's so horrible, and so are you, that it's going to scare people who don't even know who you are. You look like if I drew a witch. So, Seb. So, unable to find official merch, which feels strange, I turned to T-Public, where I found this one helpfully scaled down for ages one to three. After more browsing, I found a series of T-shirts

all with the same AI baby model, creepy. So the T-shirt says, San Fucking Diego. Oh, right. San fucking Diego, in what I presume of the part Drey's colours. Yes. For a three-year-old. That's crazy.

My nan got my sister a t-shirt that I think like her 10th birthday. Right. And it said like sex machine. And I don't think I've ever seen my parents laugh at heart. Which I remember why you're not looking wearing that. Why did she do it? She must have just misread it.

A sax machine. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Did she play the saxophone? Yeah, yeah. Maybe that's it. Yeah, sex addiction. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's clever. A sexually transmitted disease. Music. Sax criminal. It's someone who isn't very good at jazz. Sex criminal, yeah. Sax trafficker. Yeah, it's just simply a brass instrument, a trader.

The Jazz Re Epstein band. Yeah. Jeffrey and the Epstein's A band? Yeah, yeah. Jeffrey in his Epstein band. Yeah. Jeffrey and the Epstein's, right?

The guy, the front man has to look like Jeffrey Epstein. Yes. And he's wearing like one of those quarter zip fleeces. Yeah. Like a finance bro. Yeah. Chinos. Yeah.

Loathers. But then like the rest of the band is comprised of celebrities who are on the flight list. Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking on drums. Yes Clinton Trump Yes

Bass and guitar Yeah Clinton on bass Oh no Clinton on saxophone Of course Trump on bass I don't think you could rely on him To do guitar

Yeah I still maintain Bases is the only Instrument you can really Trity black Prince Andrew on guitar Yes Yes I imagine he does

Doesn't he Yeah yeah yeah Probably Yeah Why not Well in between playing Call of Duty is what he does now I can't believe

The idea that you Could be matched in a lobby With Prince Andrew You're a fucking new bait Come back from the gulag Don't you talk to me like that Come back from the gulag Because everyone deserves a second chance

I get more chances in bloody Verdansk than in my real life All right Andy Just fucking revive me would you Do you think he plays with like his butlers And they have to like res him all the time And Yeah he can't be good reaction time wise

I don't know I don't know I don't know It was in a conflict you know You can fly helicopters. Yeah. Maybe that's what he does. So bizarre.

It's like when you find out that Bashar al-Assad was like into gaming. Oh, yeah. And the one on a, like, a creepy AI baby model, warning may spontaneously start talking about San Diego. Like a big warning sign. Pathetic. Well, I told you ages ago.

Americans love their cities in a way that only scouses do here. I bought a bunch of T-shirts years ago, like in lockdown. that would just... I stumbled across a website. Oh, yes, your horrible t-shirts. Very, like, self-important... Yeah. Bro-y American dads, I guess.

Yeah. But it was like, don't even try to talk to me about bowling. You don't know nearly as much as I do. Never get between a man and his bass guitar. It was all that sort of stuff. It was mass. Stuff about fishing.

Yeah. I'd just bought a ton of those. I'd wear them around the house in case you were like, what are you doing? And I'd be like, I've had this for years. You know I've had this for years. My favorite one which I lost, and I still maintain, Katie destroyed it or threw it away, and she insists she didn't, was, it was, the design was incredible. It was like, either, the poster of the image even looked like a Bollywood poster or like old school, like the sort of drawn Indiana Jones or Star Wars poster about particular visual style.

Yeah. But several images of Shea Diaz, the stand-up comedian from the Sex and the City. The brilliant stand-up. The brilliant stand-up. who's one of the jokes is I have to get an Uber from my... I have to get an Uber from my kitchen to my bathroom. You guys have been great

as everyone stands up at their stand-up concert. People are laughing the way that you'd like angry laugh at watching your enemy be burned at the stake in a kind of medieval crowd. Yeah, emperor laughter. Emperor laughter. Yeah.

Shea Diaz. So a bunch of Shadeez pictures. Yeah, it was just a moment. It was amazing. All from like different images of them performing stand-up. It was, oh, it's great. I really miss it. I love that t-shirt. I loved it. No captions or anything. No, I thought it was a Shay. Yeah.

It's the new, yeah. I wanted it to become so popular that when someone refers to owning a Shay T-shirt, that's what they mean. Don't mean Gavara. It's only Shadey. I mean the other revolutionary. God. Well, it's all the time we have, guys. don't forget to come see Budpod Live on the 10th of October in London, Clapham Grand. That's at midday so you can get on with other stuff afterwards.

Go for dinner. Go for lunch. Who knows? Then Budpod Live in Brighton is on the 14th of October. Yes. And, yeah, Barton, November 3rd. Is it November 3rd, yes. My Soho run is ongoing for a few more days as you hear this.

Or maybe if you're hearing this, it's actually only available for one more day. but by now my tour will have been announced so go to Piano Valley.com to book tickets for the tour next year in spring. Get ahead of the game. Also in November, it's not gone on sale yet but I'm going to be doing a one-off show in London that's like a best-of

that is done purely with the, like we're being very clear about this, purely for clips. Okay. It's purely to just turn it into 300 clips. Glenn's clip farm. Yes. So if you want to come to my clip farm

and doing that November and I need a lovely audience for that. That would be great. Oh, lovely. I'll say more details once this actually got on sale. Great. Well, Koji, and we will see you next time. See you next time.

Bye.