BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E57 | Fry Up Police

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

Youtube version available here!This week the buds discuss Glenn's shame, Heinz varieties, A+E and food eating competitions.This week's sketch: 'Goblin Pete'Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back!Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival - October 10, 2026 - Tickets available here.Bath Komedia - November 3rd, 2026 - Tickets available here.Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVVote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod 57. What do you think about that? I... Is that Heinz Varieties, isn't it? Heinz Varieties? Yeah. How many Heinz varieties are there? Right, sorry.

Are you aware of a term Heinz varieties? I am now. It's like a bingo call. It's like two walking sticks. Oh, what? Yeah. Really? Fifty-seven varieties, yeah.

The famous 57 variety slogan was introduced in 1896 by founder H.J. Hines. But I also can only think of three types of Heinz. Soup, ketchup, and other. Beans. Have I, can I have other, please? Heinz other. Something from the top shelf today, sir.

Tinned other. Heinz porn. It's beans, the magazine. Tinned porn. Tinned porn. Horrible. Horrible. It's the only way to keep it fresh for the apocalypse. Yes.

Stored No Tinned porn in olive oil Tinned porn in brine In brine In a tomato sauce Oh yeah So I was in Margate recently

Oh yeah It's a fascinating What of it What of it? I'll tell you what of it So many people on the pier at Margate Would have done that kind of comedy Um

There's a We came up with one the other day as well For observational comedy of Peter Kay is sort of like why do kids always skid a wedding disco but audience will say

in unison like a church a very Catholic church congregation we know it to be true yes and they recite that back to him after each sentence says what of it and there is we know it to be true

we know it to be true so it is so it shall be either is acceptable amen amen Amen. Amen, you guys have been amazing.

Amen, Wembley. I guess some preachers do do Amen Wembley. Yeah, someone said Amen Wembley before. Yeah, there's some big old... There's like mega churches and stuff, man. Oh, Billy, Billy Watts' his face. Yeah. I'd love to go to one of those events and go, what if it convinced me?

Maybe. Yeah? You and I are too filled with shame. to be con men, I think. In terms of like... Here's my question. I've seen a photograph of one of those mega-preachers' houses in America. Yeah.

And it makes Saddam Hussein look like a humble... Oh, it's like... Like Vladimir Putin's... Yeah. The Bond Palace. Yes. Yes. So there's like three fountains you can drive around in the front of the house.

And it's like got more wings than the... Father son, how to go, yeah. It's got more wings than the White House, it's got pools and tennis courts in the back. And even if I had the bollocks to scam that amount of money out of my congregations, I do not know what I would say

if anyone ever came to my house. I would just be so embarrassed. It's character in a sitcom winning the lottery and suddenly wearing a fur coat. That's people's go-to-parture. for some reason. My whole life I've always wanted a fur coat. And now I can.

Fur coat and some normal sunglasses. Yeah, it's such a strange trope. The other trope I was thinking about the other day that popped up in a TV show I was watching is that supervillains with a sense of humor is always game show host. Yes. They only have that as a...

A super villain's idea of a joke is always, ding, ding, ding, our survey says, that's all they ever do. And you go, why is that funny? Who told you that's funny? Why are you a game show host? You're being flippant. You're being Michael Barrymore. Why are you being a game show host and not anything else?

Anything else. Ding, ding, ding is the correct answer. Oh, is that funny? Because you're being sinister and flippant. Yeah, here's your big prize or whatever. They always say that kind of thing. Yeah. That's another piece of observational comedy from you that is sort of ruins a thing.

so comprehensively. Because once you told me that, it's just forever now I just go, why are you a game show? Any cartoon depiction of the Joker is always going to be that. Oh man, the Joker, the mask, all of them. I can't really think of one that isn't.

Yeah, you go, why are you doing tipping point? You're meant to be terrified. It's always games. You're doing pointless. I would be more frightened of a villain that talked like Alexander Armstrong on Pointless. tied someone up and was about to bathe them an acid and just said...

And it's that tweee politeness. Well, it's a polite... And he just says, What do you do, Colin? And inevitably, Colin just goes, well, I'm retired. And instead of going, well, what did you fucking do, what did you fucking do, what did you fucking do,

he says, what did you do, Colin? He goes, oh, I'm retired now. He goes, how lovely. And how do you fill your days? He says, no, a bit of fishing. Fishing. Lovely. Ah!

acid. Then he's just bathed an acid. That's really frightening. Yeah, that is quite good. If they were... Really polite. Really, really polite. Or like, um, uh, Miles Jupp era news quiz. Of, um, do you fear for your life? Yes. Two points. Two points. Yes. Elsewhere. John, which victim is going to get the acid porn ahead? Oh, is it me? Quite right.

Yeah. That's better. Your screams are drowned up by... John was dissolved in acid in front of the live Batman. Yeah. I think that's more frightening. And it was an Albert Fish production. How long do you think you could get away with calling your production company, Albert Fish Productions,

or someone actually Googled it? Oh, it must be a cartoon like Albert the Fish. No, no. No, no. No, no. I've named it after my hero. The child killer, Albert Fish. So, Margate Pier. We know it to be true.

Margate is a fascinating mixture of hipsters and the purest essence of Kent. Yes, I wonder if Blackpool will one day be gentrified in such a way. Because Margate seemed to be the southern Blackpool. Yes, it was. I think that's absolutely right. And a lot of it is like, you'll see a... brunch cafe that does like an incredible and elaborate brunch with niche flavor combinations that you'd

any street in London would be more than proud to call that cafe their own next to a kind of flat roof pub with Formica tables and England flags not just because of the World Cup. Yes, yeah, I've recently gone past quite a few, as he's it, flat-roofed pubs. Yeah.

They're frightening. Prefabs. The prefab pub. Yeah, it's like a pub that's been unfolded from a kit. And it's always this club on the front. It's always a club. Yeah, exactly. It's always...

Legion Club. What Legion? Which Legion? What side? But I know that if I go in there, I'm going to get two pound pint of Fosters. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the beers on tap will be like something from a time machine. From 2004.

Yeah. Opal fruits? Opal fruit. Opal fruit beer. Yeah, it was the thing. We just go, okay, on tap they've got Fosters. Spam. John Spitz.

Egg mail. Yeah. They'll have like, but the lager selection will just be like, Fosters, Carling, Carlsberg and Stella. And you go, whoa. Yeah. Whoa. Four supermarket beer pints.

Yeah. And then like a Guinness... A Guinness one, what are... Boddington's. Oh, I don't know. That's... Maybe not. It's been too fancy.

Cronenberg's a good shout. Guinness. Strongbow. 4X, which I don't think we've sold in the UK for a long time. It's always fucking odd. And there'll be like a guy with the broadest most sunburnt back you've ever seen. With like a quite fuzzy now thanks to sun damage. still very elaborate kind of St. George's flag combo,

a sort of crest of some kind, maybe, or like a dragon. And he'll be in there, he'll be sitting outside, like burning his front. I like it. In the sun. I like it. Well, I'm saying it's a heady combo. Because of what it's next to. Yes, because it's next to a, and I saw a poster for this,

soft boy fitness class. Soft boy fitness class. Tell me more. Boy is spelled B-O-I. Okay. So I think that... So not like a beginning of Billy Elliott. Yeah, yeah.

My lad's not going to be soft. Would you... Yeah, we're going to harden you up. Or make you ballet dancers. Anyway, the point is that the advertising for this was very much a... Finally, a gym class where we won't bully you. Yeah. But that's next to a man who looks like that meme guy from the England

football supporters. Tango, Tango, the Sheffield Wednesday supporter. Tango the Sheffield Wednesday supporter. So yes, that together is quite a combo. I mean, I went to Margate just to go, Katie and I just went to the beach one day about seven years ago and had a lovely day. And my main association I have with Marge what I think about most is that picture of Pete Dirty from the Libertines doing the competitive breakfast because he lives in Marguet, I believe. Fuck off, does he? Yeah, and there's a... Maybe that was him with the Shepardyne. There is a before and after picture of him doing one of those breakfast challenges, and he absolutely does it.

But he's being, what it's been served on is the sort of platter that you'd get under a closh, like a mirror platter, like a big oval-shaped platter. And just imagine the sound of fork and knife on that, scraping away. And the picture of, the after picture is just this smear of just bean, juice, grease, and little fragments of Friday. It is such a vile image. I think about it so much. I think about his revolting breakfast.

Bean juice. Because he looks exhausted going into here. It looks like he's reliant on this breakfast because he's hanging, absolutely hanging. Do we have any completely scraggly-fucked-looking pop stars now? Because we had Markey Smith. No, you have... And we had this guy.

You have ones who are trying to, like, Mati Healy. But it's all... That just feels like manufactured... Mat Healy, to me, is just... He's Maroon 5. But he's not scraggie. because of a crippling heroin addiction. No, no, I don't think...

I also... Was he? Was he? Mattie Healy? He must have been... Taylor Swift was his dealer. He must have been taken some really nice, neat heroin, though. Really crisp. He's never looked like that.

Oh, God. Yeah, have a look at the plate. You know what, he's at to take his coat off for the meal? They obviously got halfway through and he thought this is a coat off one. Oh, Jesus. man. Plain white ceramic mug that only has the most boiling tea

in. There's something about a full English in the UK. The tea never gets colder and I don't know what I do. By the end of a meal, I'm like, I still haven't been able to manage a fucking sin. The drink has to hurt the whole time. Yeah. To describe the platter, it is made of that very, very light,

cheap, thin metal. Yes. It would be a prop in a play that if you bashed over someone's It would just, it would form the shape of their head. Yes, and I would say for any medieval combat fans out there, it's about the size of a buckler. A buckler, nice. Not a full shield.

The meal looks revolting. Yes, if you were thrusting with your rip here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. The meal looks revolting. It looks like those early AI images where people were saying, identify a single object. Name one thing, and if you can't, then you might be having a stroke.

Name one thing on this plate. What's, is it chips? There's lots of, um, A lot of chips. There's lots of batter. There's a lot of chips, which I think is cheating from the cafe. Yeah, I, I, I, I, it's not part of the, it's never part of the breakfast. But even the BBC, uh, have been forced, and this is a story from a few years ago now,

to talk about it like they're writing in the sun. Lost down. Scoffing a mega breakfast to claim a free, just say, eating or finishing. What year is it from? Does it do that guardian thing of like, warning this time, this article is eight years old? He's not done this recently. We're not sure if Pete D.D. could eat a breakfast of this size now.

Don't be spreading this. Fake news. It's 2018. 2018, okay. He put away the feast inside 20 minutes. That writer is fluent in tabloid. Absolutely. Whoever wrote this, just know that I dislike and disrespect you.

How else were they meant to write it? Like the BBC. For the same reason that I am. hate the BBC News website for starting to use clickbait. Breaking news, Pete Doherty has had an enormous breakfast. Yeah, that's correct. Because it is... Reportedly included six Cumberlands.

Perfect. Because that level of seriousness and just non-tabloid-style reporting... Yeah. Underlines what a waste it is of time and money to report it at all. So good, actually. That is correct. Four bacon rashes, easy. Four eggs.

Four sausages. A burger. and chips and there's this plus plenty of trimmings. What are the trimmings on the breakfast? It's nothing but trimming's the fucking thing. Burger and chips is a separate meal. Yeah. And he had the Rogan Josh as well.

No, that's not the break. That's a separate thing. Four eggs is absolutely fine. I would think nothing of putting four eight, if I was having scrambled eggs, would think nothing of breaking four eggs. There's the menu below it, which says the whole thing. Okay, here we go.

Fine. And much, much more. And the price. four eggs, four bacon, four sausages, beef burger, hash browns, mushrooms, chips, onion rings, bubble. But I love bubble and squeak. It's nice.

Beans or tomatoes, good. They're giving me the choice to not have disgusting fucking beans on it. Two slices of thick bread. Served at your choice. I'm not sure what that means. Yeah, unless it mean like, all the eggs are done to... How much are we talking? And a mug of tea or coffee.

What do you think? for all of that. In 2018. It's 2018. Pre-COVID mega breakfast. 20 quid. It's 17 pounds 50. That's just what I'd expect to pay.

Now this is the breakfast. Yeah. I think that's all very reasonable, apart from the burger chips and onion rings. You go, that's just a separate evening. That's from a kebab shop. That's separate. It's got nothing to do with the breakfast. Yeah, they just ran out of breakfast items.

They should have put black pudding in there. There are other breakfast items you can put it. Or just go crazy and just be like, you know what? 10 rashes of bacon. I'm not one of the first. 10 fucking eggs. Yeah, I'm not one of those

fry up police people. I do not care how people have their food. Like, eat what you enjoy. But the burger chips thing is utterly bizarre. Someone said I'm having a, should we have a burger?

Do we have a burger for breakfast? You go, you're ill. You don't know what the time is. Did you just fly here from a different country? Someone called Tiny has did the challenge twice. Is on the Wall of Fame twice.

I mean, for 17 pound 50, yeah, if I was hungry. I would do. Both in the same year. Within the same year, Tiny showed up and did that. Jesus. So you have to do that in 20 minutes. I mean, that is impressive.

These food challenges are always done based on size and spiciness. They're never based on this meal's fucking horrible. You have to eat one dog turd. You have infinity time to do it. There's a wall of really unwell. It's like a list of the fallen.

A bunch of people who died. days later from having consumed it. Yeah, they all lost their hearing and eventually their limbs stopped working and you have to drink this whole pint of antifreeze. Antifreeze and dirt. They got a kind of worm no one gets anymore.

So no one really knew what to do about it at the hospital. One dog shit. Yeah, based on the movie Contagion. Would you eat would you eat Roadkill? No, the only So I went to...

Found food? I went to St. John the restaurant for the first time earlier on this year. A friend of mine lives up in Newcastle. His parents trained under the watchful eye of Marco Pierre White and as a result he's a real foodie.

And he really knows his stuff. And so whenever he's down in London he's always like, he was like, I want to eat at this place I've never eaten at this place, that sort of thing. So, we went to St. John, and I was, I'm aware it's not a novelty restaurant. No. But at the same time, if you're going for the first time, you do want the most outlandish thing on the menu. For anyone who doesn't know, it's Fergus Henderson?

Is that it for chef? And his attitude is one of, if you're going to kill an animal, at least have a decency, to eat the whole thing. Yeah. So it's all strange, awful. Bumhole rings. Yes, essentially, yeah. So I had, I pigeon is what I had. and I didn't like it.

And I like any type of food, really. I'm not a fuss eater whatsoever, and I didn't like pigeon, and I was so keenly aware I was eating a pigeon. Oh. Yeah. Why didn't you like it? It's a very slight and stringy meat.

It's not a, you know, it's not like having a big, fucking chunky chicken breast. So it wasn't really much to it. Yeah. But also, I think the idea of Roadkill, yeah, I don't know. Tire's been on it.

I don't know. I don't know. Would you? Depends what it was. So I'm guessing there's some restaurant on Route 66 that prides itself on like, we serve a roll, we go out and we collect roc and every day, and this is what's on the menu, and it's a skunk or whatever. I think there's people who must do it, especially if you live near lots of pheasants and deer and stuff.

Yeah, why not? You've done the job for me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the issue with the horse meat and the lasagna scandal was because the horses were like, not for eating. We are not for eating. But they were like racing horses and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So God knows what they've been fed or given. medicine-wise. Oh, yes, of course. Yeah, whether it gets steroids or antibiotics or who knows what. But they cured my COVID, so, you know. That's your cure for everything, isn't there? You have seven microwave lasagnas and then go to bed. I have screenshots on my phone from insane antivaxes that I just found on like Facebook

and the like, talking about that inver, whatever it was called the horse. Invermectin. Invermectin, that was it. Horsdy-wormer. Horsdy-wormer and people talking about the bile worms and stuff like that. like that and like, yeah, I'd pass several baral worms today. I'm so happy. Jesus.

So dreadful. It's so, do you think it's just that, like, if you're a fucking idiot, you could probably just have worms? Like, it's not connected to COVID. Yes. But they are right that they need deworming medicine. Well, it cured something I have. Yeah.

Yeah. My eyes are pointing the same way now. Yes. My impression of sort of antivaxes is, like, I think I'd know. I think I know, I've never been right about anything in my life, so it's got to be my turn eventually. I think that's what their attitude is. I've got to be right eventually, so it's surely my turn. Yeah.

For clever people, it seems to be their turn all the time. It's not fair. I still think that we could design a way to filter these people at the entrance to A&Es. I'm still thinking about that. Most far right. No, no, no, it's not. Oh, no, no, you have much worse ones. I forget.

No, this is good Soviet far left style filtering. But actually it's not, but it's... If you're too crazy, you need different help. Yeah, producing Phillype's just very helpfully pointed out that many of you will not know what this is about. I was saying that there must be a way to design a test to tell which of the two A&Es you should go to. Every hospital should have two.

Blocking your way is a loose shopping trolley. and to your right is a shopping trolley-shaped hole labeled shopping trolley hole in 20 languages if you just go oh and put it in the hole you go to nice A&E

it's just people who are happy to deal with their emergency and in a normal way and in the other waiting room is the shirtless guy screaming Gaffa taped a bleeding arm or the primary example

given that my ex-girlfriend used to work in a hospital and someone once brought in a stool sample in an open jar of peanut butter. Here's the issue. It's based on vibes. It's two vibes-based. I don't think government policy can be vibes-based. Oh, it's always vibes-based.

You might be in a rush. To push someone else's trolley away. You might be... You're in such a rush, you have a shit in a jar? No. I think you have to alter it. Okay. You have to filter it, because there needs to be a different waiting room for people who are shirtless and bellowing.

So funny if Andy Burnham becomes a prime ministry sort of like that, here are my pledges, going into the next election. Voting age at 16. Voting age at 16. Yeah, yeah. We're going to have a trolley in the entrance to A&E. Yeah, yeah. To get rid of the mental people. People who are too weird to be helped in a normal way.

He's got my vote. straight away. It's the most reformed policy. No, it's not. But it is, it's a sort of... You can't have a shirtless screaming, man. No, no, no. What I mean is, it has the vibes of a reform policy.

Like, you remember when Paul Nuttall was like UKIP leader? And his policies were like... I only remember who that is because of Stuart Lee's routine. It's tattooed on my brain forever, that. He was essentially brought down by a journalist I used to work with. Who on... Then moved to Radio City, the Liverpool station. You have a big tower in Liverpool, the radio station there.

He had Paul Nutter on. It was when Paul Nutter was UKIP leader. And he basically took him to task about his claim that I think he'd been at Hillsborough during the... Yes, that's right. His name is Dave Easton. He completely took him down. He wanted some scouse cred. Yes, but his policies were like what you would make up a UKIP policy to me.

It was like, check in primary school girls for FGM, I'll do it personally. It was that sort of thing. It was like that. It was like, what are you? You're a goblin. You're a goblin. So, you wouldn't. Separating society into the wipers on the mudmen.

My father was a proud mudman. Yeah. Non-wipers are called mudmen of a mudman. The mudman. Yeah, yeah. He wants a society of mudmen. Oh, he wants the mudmen. My father was, I've been a mudman my entire life.

Mudman is horrible. That's really horrid. That is really horrid. But I think that too much bad shit happens because people go, it would be really rude for us to not let the shirtless screaming man do whatever he wants. Okay. You have to deal with that. Okay.

Yeah. Anti-social behavior is like treated the way you would treat a kind of like leprosy. Someone just goes like, fucking cunt, next to a lot of schoolchildren and then throws up on themselves and everyone reacts like, oh, that, that, poor, poor man. And you go, no, he's fucking smashed on cider at 9 a.m.

He's, yeah, poor man in a way, but we can't let him be like, the kindest thing is to let him throw up the cider near the children. He goes, it's not, the kindest thing is to not let him near the children. I mean, all in getting from that, I'd love to publicly throw up cider. Yeah?

Well, it would be an issue. I haven't had cider since I was 18 years old. Yeah, the incident. The incident. In fact, it was the only alcohol I would have before that, before I went to uni. What a sugary boy you were. Magna's, it was just delicious. I wouldn't have much, you know, only a couple of pints would be enough to have me absolutely hammered,

but it was just a delicious drink. And now the smell makes me, the smell of cider makes me wrecked. Even pear? Pears even worse. Because I like eating apples. I don't like eating pears. Oh. Why?

Eating a pear makes me feel like a Victorian boy with the hoop and the stick playing. Mama, I may I have a delicious pair. It just makes me feel like a little court boy with his knickerbock, like his white socks and a bowl haircut. Oh, mother, I had the most succulent pair. That's our self-conscious, I feel, but eating a pear on my own. That's what it will make me feel like. this? Why is this disease?

I don't know, just like a shame? What's that from? A deep shame. Yeah, but why? A screw or nutkin shame, I'd say. Yeah, it's very similar. Yeah. Oh, were you enjoying yourself alone? Fucking pupper.

It's that. So hang on. Wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Are you saying that you have the shame and that's why you don't want to eat a pair? Or you have the shame and you don't like the taste? The taste of a pear is absolutely fine.

I'm not fuss about a pair. I don't... You've never had a good pair. No, no, no, I've had good pairs. It just doesn't really do it for me as much as an apple, mate, or a strawberry. But there's something about the eating of a pear that is like if I made a fucking crock and bush on my own. It feels so... Even though it's only a singular fruit, it feels so decadent.

And it feels like I would have to eat it, like when Homer imagines he's in that land of chocolate. And he's having little nibbles of stuff. It's that. I just find it. eating a pair so embarrassing. It's so strange. I know, because you eat it like an apple. But I think it's because if it's big

bottom, maybe, I don't know. What happened to you? Eating a pair? Your parents came in and went... Eating a pair makes you really ashamed. Your parents burst in and said, look at that little... Look at our camp

with a child. Eating his pear. Mom, I want a toffee apple later. Where's my wind-up? Where's this coming from? I don't know. I don't fucking know. Pears.

You don't have it with strawberries? No, strawberries's great. Strawberries are more like a fauntleroy treat. But a pear. No, a strawberry is like in small slice, a bit of pear. Don't allow me a nibble of your pear, Simon. Strawberries are fine. Yeah, big bush-fucking strawberry.

No, it's not a masculinity thing. But it's something to do with being like a freakly boy. It's something like being the BT phone box pipe man, isn't it? That strawberries are that true. I know, I know. There's no consistency because it's mental. Do you have it with anything other than pairs? This feeling?

Fruit-wise, no, no, no, absolutely not. Watermelon? I hate watermelon. I hate melon. I hate watermelon. Watermelon looks so, so. So delicious. Yes.

And it's just crunchy water. It's lettuce. And it looks like the most incredible ice cream you've ever seen. Because I used to, sometimes you go on holiday. Yeah. You know certain, like, restaurant menus when you go on holiday would serve, like, an ice cream or whatever in, like, a big plastic bird. Or you'd have, like, weirdly shaped ice cream in the bee. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's out of kind of Tukin's head. Yeah. And you go, that's too. I wouldn't even think to order that. Like a monkey brain. Yes. Oiled in its own skull. Temple of Doom.

Yeah, yeah. So sometimes you get like a watermelon-shaped ice cream and he'd be like, well, think of all the flavors that must be. In my head, I saw every different color as must be a different flavor. Oh, okay. You know, like Neapolitan or something like that.

Yeah. And actually, in reality, it's all crunchy water with seeds. Watermelon to me is just, is crap. Crunchy water with seeds and an inedible rind. Yes, and melon is even more egregious to me because I, visually, from a distance, I can tell from the texture close up, from a distance,

I cannot have a difference between that and pineapple because of a colour. So I will often accident- Accident to lemonade myself. I'm about to have pineapple, the most delicious fruit. When it's chunked, you mean?

When it's chunked, obviously, yeah, yeah. Okay, and then you end up with the kind of sour, stiff melon. Yes, yeah. So that's a real shame and the flavour isn't nice. And also, I guess,

like a pineapple looks like it looks so exotic. A whole pineapple looks so exotic. And a whole melon looks so exotic as well. So I'm disappointed that the flavour isn't like that of a mango. A melon should taste like a mango based on what it looks like. Yeah, I agree with that. You imagine a coconut's going to be like the most delicious thing ever,

and instead it's like... Eating wood. Yeah. Wood with half-hearted cum. Yeah, your heart wasn't in that, was it? I'll put your bollocks into it. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Goblin Pete. The wizard's orb shines brightly from his hellside tower.

I must consult him about this strange pair I've stumbled upon. I fall ill. I lost much of my goblin kin to sickness. Yon cursed fruit. Old blackened and foul I've laid low half me tribe. I stole it from a gin. Is it safe to eat?

I wish to eat this pair. I haven't eaten in four days. A hungry little goblin but to eat a pear. It fits perfectly in my bindle and it sits alongside my coins. My cousin hates avocado. She used to call it snot on a pip. Snots on a pip, I like that. Yeah.

I'm fine with guacamole like smashed avocado. But the idea of having a chunk of avocado on some toast is pretty vile. To be fair, that avocados here are bad. So that's probably why. It doesn't help. Where have you had a delicious? South Africa. Oh, just because of the...

Is that a climate thing? They're grown there. The size of a fucking rugby ball. It's huge and creamy. You play football with the ball. The ball inside. Yeah, exactly. You play cricket with the fucking thing.

The chunk just spreads immediately because it's... That's... Oh, so it's like putting your knife in a jar up in a butter. Yeah, well, obviously, here... Avoid the poop. Avoid the poop. Same in Colombia. Same in Colombia.

Yeah, they're just massive. They're fucking huge. Oh, crazy. Whereas here, a chunk of avocado on its own or on toast doesn't work, because it's like trying to put a piece of, well, a chunk of met, it's like trying to spread a piece of melon. It's like a crunchy, hard lump.

Like, doesn't make sense. Yeah, yeah. No, it's no good at all. I'm interested in this food shame thing. I want to know if you have any other foods here. It's utterly ashamed to be caught eating. No, I think I would be ashamed to be having, like, a really decadent food alone.

But I think I... What about a box of chocolates? Would you eat that on your own on the couch without feeling any shame? Or would you think, am I in a drama? I don't have a sweet tooth, so I don't know if that's a tricky one.

But I feel like, I do feel a sense of embarrassment. Yeah. Very small embarrassment, not to a point where it stops me from doing what I'm doing, but making aesthetically pleasing looking food on my own.

So I might, because I don't work at Absolute anymore, obviously, I just have like mornings to myself. And so I'll often be like, well, like, but were times absolute where I'd literally just scramble three eggs in a paper cup

and put it in the microwave and have like... Jesus. No, but you just go... It's just purely for protein I'm going to run straight after this. I'm just going to quickly have a lovely cup of farts.

And then... But it was just like... We're in a rush. And also, bear in mind you, you're trying to prepare your breakfast during a two and a half minute break so you're like, I've got to make this work. Whereas now...

You've got to microwave my farts. Yeah, whereas now it's sort of like I'll make these battery scrambled eggs and a bit of dill on the top and then like a nice bit of bacon. So, like, I'll make this like, public and breakfast, and sometimes I'll sit down and just be like, this is for me.

Maybe, maybe probably. Have I done this for me? Maybe deep down, I'm like, I don't deserve nice things. Maybe that's, I can't, I don't trust that I deserve nice things. But I'm like, we're saying about a Monday morning breakfast. I'm like, well, this is decadent, isn't it? How close are you to just saying out loud, you know. Am I worthy of love?

I don't, I don't deserve this. Yeah. Smashing the eggs onto the floor. But it feels odd, sprinkling, sprinkling, sprinkling dill on the top. It always feels a bit like, who's that for? I agree with this, because I... Me, and the flavour, but still, it looks odd.

I have the same thing where... I'm amazed by the... Mine is because I'm lazy. I'm amazed by the energy of people who make food like that for themselves just every day. Yes. It's so not worth it for me.

I struggle to... So, for instance, I would really enjoy making a huge decadent meal if I was like, oh, I'm having people over. For instance, you're coming to mine on Sunday With friend who should not be named And I expect cup after cup Of hot farty

Yeah, that's what you're making But I'm looking forward to like Getting up early and starting making that food Hours and hours before anyone's arriving Because it's for other people Whereas I've always sound like spending hours on myself Is quite a strange thing And it's not because I don't think that's a

Because I don't deserve it sort of thing It's like no no I just feel like that's a I'm so easily pleased Yes, and it's a different high. It's a different high, you're right. Making it for yourself, you sort of think, but I had to do this.

It's like tearing up a painting after finishing it. It's kind of what it feels like. Then I swallowed it, and now it's in my body. Like an idiot. Also, I can't get the same feeling from complimenting me because I'm me. Yeah. So someone else goes, this is great.

You go, yeah, I concur. I get that. Yeah, yeah. I'm receiving a nice... We're sharing in this. I'm receiving a nice thing from you saying that. Yeah. Whereas if you sit on your own, look at your breakfast and say out loud,

this is great, then I think it's time to go to hospital. I think that, yeah, I'm trying to think if I have any food. I mean, I'm ashamed of almost all the things I eat. Well, yeah, you did say to your wife, please do not perceive. Do you not perceive my plate. Although speaking of... Do not perceive me. Speaking of your wife and food,

yeah. Your wife's been working with Big John. Yes. The Bush guy. Yes. My wife is a colloquy. colleagues, at least, or was colleagues, for a bit with Big John. It just fucking blew my mind.

It's quite surreal. Because I, because the weirdest thing was, I saw a picture of Big John pub up, and I was like, oh, it's because I must follow him on Instagram. If I only had to see Joe in the background, and it was like, wait, sorry, what's happened here? Like, it made no sense to me. Talking to him on stage, yeah. It's like when I found out, when I was making dinner for my family when I was like 16.

They used to make me make Sunday night dinner In the couple of years leading up to that university To be like, I want you to have a good roster of meals And always used to be like put on a CD or something Why you're making it? Make us the Pete Docketty breakfast, would you? My mum was like, a huge CD collection And she was like, I'll put a just

And I chose the Beatles one album And the first song in there was Love Me Do and I was like Looked with eyes wide at the CD people I was like, fuck the Beatles did I know this song I didn't know the Beatles did it. It was great And then I flipped through the album sleeve while I was waiting for pasta to boil or whatever.

And I had the embarrassing realization and thoughts of John Lennon was in the Beatles. The famous singer, John Lennon, the famous solo artist, was in, like a supergroup. John Lennon was in, it just blew my mind. I had no idea. Really? I found out at the age of like 15 or 16.

How did you know who? You just knew John Lennon from Imagine and watching the wheels and woman and all these other... Just like starting over so many songs. And I just never had. Because I was like, oh, Beatles is Paul McCartney, Ringo, and another guy. And I knew who George Hatterson was, I just could never remember his name. Because obviously, he died in, like, the year 2000.

So obviously, my sweet lord was on top of the charts for ages. So obviously, you're never going to forget the name Ringo Star. And I knew of Paul McCartney. But the difficult thing with the Beatles is because all four of them would sing, individually on songs or as a group, so difficult to work out which songs are the Beatles and which ones weren't, because it sounds like four different bands. But what it surprised is most. about this is that you were so across John Lennon's solo career.

I know imagining like nothing else. Yeah. I was, it just blew my mind and I didn't, I didn't tell anyone that. And I was like, I've got to keep that to myself. I've got to keep this information inside, yeah. I had that with David Bowie. I bought like, I just thought. He was in steps.

Yeah, what a super group. I just got, like I just bought like one of those 30 track best of things. And I just thought, I should know more about this guy. Yeah. I've no musical hinterland at all. Sure. Everything I learn about music and enjoy has to come about through such like pathetically artificial means. They're so autistic, just deciding to be like,

it's time for me to know about David Bowie. Yes, I'll have a learning experience. Yeah. So I put it on and I had the same thing that you had with... So I'm guessing, like, if it was chronological, the first song would have been like Space Oddity. Just every track. The man who sold the... Every track, I would be like, wow, I didn't know he did this one. Wow, I didn't know he did this one.

Wow. Halfway through, I was like, I'm an idiot. I'm a fucking idiot. Again with David Bow, because he was like, he was changing sound so much. Young Americans sounds nothing like Starman or Ziggy Stub. They're so from different eras. Fashion. Beep, beep.

Yes. Fashion. He says beep, beep. It's fashion has one of the worst. dance moves I've ever seen. Oh yeah? But my dad finds so funny. Watch the music video.

His move is, he just wheels a hand like he's bowling a cricket ball and then just touches the floor, like crouches down and touches the floor with one hand. And that was like his dance move. Fashion. That's a brand new trend that I don't know its name. Do you touch the floor? Fashion. It's so funny for him to do a song about fashion at all because I think there's nothing

less fashionable. It's as naff as the song. money. It's what I want. It's what I want. Yeah, fashion. There's a brand new trend. Talking about it like a child. Yes.

I like the song, fashion. But it's a stupid song. It's like a song I want to buy a big car. There's a brand new car and it goes really fast. Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, driving. Renault. Yeah, I did that for like 30 tracks in a row. I want to drive it, but I keep failing my test.

Four majors. Major Tom. Mail, letter, post, message, email, notes, dispatches, SMS, not non, and randoms, correspondence. This is from Tom, some tap from Tom. Hello, Tom. M.K. High, Proctor and Gamble. I don't know why it says MK High.

MK.K. Just the letters MK.K. and then high proctor and gamble. Milton Keynes, Martin King. Do you ever call him Martin King? Are you going to call him Martin Luther King when he's in a lot of trouble? Yeah, Martin Luther King, Jr. You get in here right now.

Jennifer Love Hewitt. I didn't just see this sign. John the Baptist. John the Baptist. Yeah, Jesus Christ. I didn't just see this sign. I drove for many hours to the distant north of Scotland, caught a ferry to an island,

then to another island, then drove all the way across to the furthest piece of land in the UK. Then I walked across a barren, wind-swept field to find a toilet. I closed the cubicle door, sat down, and saw this sign grinning at me from the inside of the closed door.

With all my love, Tom. So this is a photo taken from the toilet. Yucky. Nice to know. So this is a very remote sign. in a very remote location. Yeah. It's a toilet.

Yeah. Sort of, I would say, a silhouette. Toilet, all right. Andy McNabb's toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Deniable toilet. When you flush it, it just sounds really deep. Blop.

Blop. It's a toilet silhouette. Like the way that like a silhouette of... Don't flush your ex-sweater. Goldfish down this version of trying to toilet. Can announce one. The way that a silhouette of a human is on the fire escape sign or a toilet sign. Got it.

So it's a very simplified. Yeah. Yeah. But they've done it where the toilet has like a huge Pixar character, quirky, grinning face. Yes. But it's on the seat. Or the cistern. It's not on the body of the loo.

Right. Okay. It's on the bit your back would rest again. Yeah. Yeah. Or the bottom of the seat when it's flipped up. Either way. Okay.

Hard to tell which they intend. All the face is there. The face is there, really smiling. Like really charismatic big Pixar character smile. No nose. Just eyes, eyebrows, smile. Treat me well and keep me clean. I'll not tell anyone.

What I've seen? I've seen that sign. Yeah. I'm not saying what I've seen, yeah. Really disgusting. What I've seen is horrible. Really revolting. Yeah.

It's such a bad one. Also, the sign is treat me well and keep me clean. I'll not tell anyone. Dot, dot, dot. What I've seen. and seen as in big capitals. Why is there a dot dot dot in there? And also the toilet has,

the toilet having eyes in the first place. Also, like, what can it really say? Glenn came in here and he bent over and shit came out of his ass. In the bathroom? In the bathroom. In the bathroom on my face, kind of. Yes. Katie and I ages ago.

This is in lockdown. Try to come up with alternatives to those if you sprinkle when you tinkle. Please be neat and white. the seat. I'll do some of those on the Patreon because we're fast running out of time. Yes, yes. We'll say some horrible things like that on the Patreon. Do subscribe, you get an extra episode a week and an episode of George pod every month. Yes, and a film pod every month as well on the higher tier.

And a growing list of experience pods. We're going to go to the Lady Boys of Bangkok. We are going to go to Cafe Concerto and Madam Two Swords. We've already been to Fulte Towers. And we've been to Shenyon. That's right. China before communism. Koji. Koji.