BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E60 | Electric Play

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

Full length YouTube version here!This week the buds discuss talking pets, Glenn's brag, American houses and Mandarin.This week's sketch: 'Birthday Boy'Robot replicating the human voice - https://interestingengineering.com/videos/artificial-vocal-cords-real-human-soundEmail or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back!Edinburgh Fringe Festival - August 16th, 2026 - Tickets available hereCheerful Earful Podcast Festival - October 10, 2026 - Tickets available hereBath Komedia - November 3rd, 2026 - Tickets available here Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVVote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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All tickets are available now, Linkin' Bio. It's Budpod 60. Let's sail down the river Styx-Stix-D. Yeah. Yeah. Is it down the river sticks or across the river sticks? Across because you're going from one side to the other, but I imagine it is fairly downstream.

Strong current, yeah. Yes, yeah, absolutely. It's not the lake the lake sticks. No. No, that would be terrible. I, well, I'm in a WhatsApp group for Celebrity Deaths. Yeah, yeah, yes. I always forget that about you.

Yes. Well, Katie was in a group of comedy writers who had a Celebrity Death thing going. Yeah. And to explain what it was, every time a celebrity dies, you've got to come up with like a tabloid headline. Punt slinging, for you will. Pundslinging, yes, yes. So, for instance, an example would be Aretha Franklin died. You would have a wreath for Franklin.

Or something like that. So every time, I'm in a WhatsApp group, there's four of us. And any time, and it's been quite regularly, any times one of the members of the 1966 England World Cup winning squad passes away, someone inevitably goes with 1966. I love the idea of a presumably express or mirror reader across their Greek mythology enough.

Yeah, yeah. to enjoy 1960 sticks. Yeah. That one guy. I mean, I remember some, there are some I've got stuck in my head from like the sun. And I remember before the 2006 World Cup. This isn't going to be a sports episode, do not worry. But Wayne Rooney had broken his metatarsal before the World Cup.

And it was thought that he might not be able to go. I mean, it turned out he was given the all clear to get to go. and the son's headline was Can-Garoo for the 2006 World Cup in Germany. Yeah, you know, like kangaroo, but why is there a kangaroo? You go, because it's like Wayne Rooney, and you go, no, no, no, no. There was, um, did you have, like, sabbatical elections at uni? Like, sorry, for, like, a sabbatical officer's, like, head of a student's union.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Activities officer and finance officer, yeah, kind of thing. finance officer, yeah. And I remember someone, I feel like I might have mentioned this on a pod before, apologies if I have. A guy called Ben was running for one of them. And his campaign was called I-Ben. Like, like, lowercase I mean. And then I kept asking the people. Because some friends of mine were campaigning for him and I was like, what do you mean? They're just playing on the whole iPod, iPhone, I-Ben thing. And it was like, don't say the I-Ben thing. You don't know what the I-Ben thing is. It's not a thing. It makes you feel like Larry David. Yeah. Talking to these people, you're saying,

I'm becoming Larry David in a thing where even if Larry David wrote this, it would be like, oh, well, no one would say something like I, Ben, because that's too stupid. Well, the Caribbean enthusiasm always followed the same pattern, which was, Larry David is treated very unreasonably in a situation in the first scene. And then he later exhibits the same behavior later on,

but in a situation where he isn't in the right. Yeah. So it tricks you into thinking he is technically in the right the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mentioned to you before, I had a moment of, insane interaction. The big news.

The big news in my life. I'm not a bragger and this is the biggest brag. I'm going to be on the wall of an Indian restaurant shaking hands with the manager. You're kidding. Wow. I'm really excited. Wow. Yeah. I'm not going to say where it is

in case they don't... Do not serve these men? Yeah, yeah. It's grainy CCTV footage of me in a baseball cap. And it's like, it's from the front and going down onto my forehead. Yeah, because as you shook the manager's hand, you did that middle finger fingering. Yeah, and it just really creeped him out. Yeah, yeah. Watch the wart. That thing. Yeah, it's horrible.

So, I'm really excited about that. I'm really excited about that. Wow. I'm not going to say where it is because I'm worried it's going to not happen. How did it happen? Or has it not, it's not official yet. They took the picture, though. They took the picture and they asked if it would be okay.

Wow. Yes, so I'll be up there alongside presumably Vinnie Jones as per. Yeah, Lee Evans. Yeah, yeah. And then someone so American and famous that you just think, how? When did he? You look, you go, so is that? Jimmy Carter ate here moments after his wife's death.

Frank Sinatra? Yeah. Why was he here? My favourite restaurant paraphernalia is Italian restaurants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's always, did you know the mafia like spaghetti as well? But every picture, it's always just Al Capone. It's so weird to advertise your criminals and join the food.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would the equivalent? Like, the Chinese restaurant, there's just loads of pictures of triads. It's a guy with a dragon tattoo on his face, eating rice. Yeah. Yeah. Every British, like, cafe where it's, you know, like a greasy spoon, it's just pictures of the craze crucifying a guy.

It's the craze eating sausages the way they eat them in the bea. Yeah. Like, one big banger on a big fork. One big banger is a dog runs out with a string of them in its mouth. And they kill the dog for stealing. Yes, of course. You can't steal from the craze. Yeah.

it was dishonorable. So. So who recognized you? The waiter? Someone at the restaurant. And they asked if it was okay. And so I had like a signing for a football team. Someone who worked for the restaurant.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So either waiter or manager. Yeah, yeah. And I, and then, picture me shaking hands of a manager as if I've been signed by the club. I'll have a t-shirt with more on them. Signed to Gandy's. Yes.

But this isn't... He's going to be eating with us for the next season. Gokers! I had, so, if that was the end of a story, I wouldn't be telling it. I'd be keeping this to myself and telling close friends and boasting to them. I wouldn't boast about it on this podcast. But what happened was about six people, a group of six, three men, three women, maybe in their sort of 60s, got up. I can already smell the fairer mode.

Yeah, you can, you can picture the short sleeve check shirts. Bus drivers. All the men, the three men all look like. like Lee Anderson, the reform in the... Where they've gone into their barbers with a picture of Duke Newcomb. What is that about? Spiked up.

I want to look like the little... I want it all spiking. I wanted to look like the little image from the bottom left of the screen in Doom. I want to look like an old... Yeah, yeah. We have a pretty spicy curry. It keeps telling to the side going...

Yeah. It keeps getting more and more bruised. On the loo later. Whereas their facial expression is always that of choosing the hardest difficulty in Wolfenstein. Blood-covered grimace. A bright red grimace face. That is the style. But like, we can't emphasize enough to you, listener.

These men are consistent across the nation. Across the nation, no matter where you go. No matter where you go. It's always something about being a... How many of British men over 55 over 60 do you think it is as a proportion? I can say more than half. It feels like more than half. Oh, I don't know.

No, no, no. That's too many. I think we just... We see them a lot in comedy clubs and we see them a lot on Friday nights. I think that's probably what it is. They're the kind of people who angrily insist that they're up for a laugh. Oh, yeah, yeah. And afterwards, they leave and they go, God, that was...

My arms genuinely hurt from folding. I was folding in the aisles. Oh, I feel sore in the morning. My throat genuinely hurt from clearing it loudly. I was sock, for. I was sitting on chair folding arms. So, they come over. So those are the three guys.

And three lenders. I mean, three linders. So they come over and immediately, I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, we don't want to need trouble here today. What's going on? You want to immediately put your hands up and go, I don't think I'm important. I don't think I'm important or better than you.

But they asked what was going on. Yeah. I was like, oh, please, that does want to go. And fortunately, the manager sort of stuff, I didn't then have to go, well, you may have seen me. I didn't do any of that. I was like, I just didn't keep yourself to myself. I regret agreeing to the photo, and I'm so sorry.

It was very arrogant of me to have accepted. You sat like a kid outside the... principal's office. Yeah, yeah. Feet turned inwards and a big dunce cone on my head. Well, the manager had, they've essentially said, well, what's this little boy done then? Yeah, yeah. Thinks he's some sort of comedian, does he?

So the manager explained, and so obviously he's a comedian, his name's Glenmore. Did he explain well, or was it one of those even worse things where... Yeah, yeah. You might know him from, never mind the bus car. Yeah, I've never been on that. You're not remembering it, right? From they think it's all over. And, uh, yeah.

And bull's... from the 70. He was from there. Yeah, he's from the Brian Connolly show. His name's Brian Connolly. So he said, he said my name, he said his name is Glenmore. And one of the guys went, where's your brother, Chris, then?

And they all laughed. What does that mean? So presumably like, Chris Moore. Chris Moore, yeah. And I went, who's Chris Moore? And not one, but two of the men said almost in unison,

from Coldplay. What? And he said, Chris Martin. And one of the men went, what did you say? And I said, Glenn Moore.

And he went, we'll have to come and see you sometime. And I want to go, no, this is the last time we're ever in a room. But it was so, it was like any scene

of Joe Pesci and Goodfellas. It was like for Michael Fastbender Bar scene in Inglorious Barce. I was so frightened the whole time. It's not. It's like every David Lynch scene, because the dialogue doesn't match

what the person before said. It's the two Ronnie's mastermind sketch. I don't think we're answering the same questions here. It's like blue velvet or something. He had an oxygen mask. It's so weird. It was so weird. But that there was enough, like, cultural psychosis in this town,

but two of them immediately were like, yeah, from Coldplay. Chris Moore. At the same time. Like David Lynch characters, speaking in sync. The idea as well. From Coldplay.

The idea as well, that a surname is benign as Moore gets a you fucking idiot. What kind of surname is that? You idiot. Like have you been called Glenn Christophnevelli?

And they're like, well, of course the ship. Yeah, De Havelin. Oh, is you rather, Chris De Haveland from the M people. But I was so, like, one of them's got a gun. One of them's obviously got a gun and I'm going to get shot. I would love to...

For answering my name wrong. I need to... I want to film. I want to reproduce this. Like the Nixon tapes. I want to... I want the shot to be framed. Like, every shot while you're talking is taken up by one of your faces. Yeah.

I want the claustrophobia. Yeah. Like a sort of, like a video game sort of dialogue screen. It just goes between you and merchant. But also... But also... But no edges. Like, as in like the whole thing is like a square face.

Like, did they tell you before my, one of my housemates in first year is student ID? Oh, yeah. They stretched it out. And they used, like, the edges of his eyebrows and the edges of the corners of his mouth. As the corners of the entire frame. So he was like that piece of skin from Doctor Who. It was like. With a face on it.

It was like he'd fallen onto the camera. Yeah. I want to film this. All like that. Like the square is just on your face. So close. And I want everyone's faces to be so red and shiny from hot, spicy food. Yes.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then just like these... Breathing kingfussure on each other. These two men just from Coldplay. And just going, what? Chris Martin. What did you say?

Glenn Moore. Chris Moore. I'll have to come see you sometime. That's Lynchian dialogue. It genuinely is. Be like, no, no, no, the diner is shut. You should come over to my place and see my collections. Yeah, yeah.

Like, nothing's linked. It's like dialogue from a dream. Maybe David Lynch had the same life experiences as me and thought he was writing naturalistic dialogue. Well, that's just how people talk. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. People talking fully backwards. People come up to you and bother you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can be at a restaurant. You can be at a Turkish restaurant and someone will come up. Yes, no stuff I'm going to snit, yes, thank you. That gum you like is coming back in style. Your life is that. Yeah.

Your life is in the Black Lodge, the dream scene. The main thing is I wasn't told off. That's the main thing. I was so sure you were going to be told off. That's why I thought this isn't a theramine thing, but it was just such a strange interaction and so constantly tense, because I'm so, because I've got form for this sort of thing. Well, you're like a smacked darn.

You've been beaten so often. Oh man, I remember going out with the girl and I was 18 and I went to her house and I met her dog and for some reason I went, I'm really good with dogs and I thought, I don't think I've ever met a dog. I don't know why I said that. And I went down to like pat her head and she bit my hands so hard. I like drew blood and her parents were like, just get out of the road. Like it was like it was one of the worst introductions possible. Wow. Yeah. And they had to explain to me that her previous trainer was a police officer.

police officer who had once dropped her on her head. So not only was she terrified of anyone touching her head, but was specifically terrified of like, of men. So I did the worst thing by immediately going, hand on the head. Time to be dropped again. Yeah. That's on them. Yeah, I feel like you need to introduce and go, sorry, just let me warn you in advance. If the thing that makes... We've got a wasp in our hallway. Um, don't try and cover yourself in jam before you arrive. Even worse than that, because it's like, you've got a dog where it's like, oh, by the way, we have a dog, we should warn you that the most common thing all humans do to dogs when they see them is precisely what triggers its attack.

Yes, yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, we have a fridge, but don't open it, because if you open the fridge, an arrow will come out and shoot you. Yes. It's like, no, that's fair enough to open the fridge. This dog did not like me. And obviously, I mean, that policeman must have also put a finger up its ass as well, but I don't know. The guy joked off. He can't do anything.

Ridiculous. Yeah. All triggered. You woke dog. Won't even let me finger your bum, hello. Yeah, yeah. Don't, I... I was so sure you were going to be told off in the curry house.

I would go into every room thinking that's going to happen. Well, yeah, and that's... But you're correct, though. You're not delusional. the fairerone means But any time someone enters a room I'm in I leap up and say sorry Yeah nothing

Hands up Yeah yeah It's like when we had a month of living of Katie's parents When we moved out of our bath flat We're about to move into our new place Yeah So we spent a month living with them

And her mom was so kind But her mum really thought She was encroaching on my space And I was like no I'm the one encroaching In your space Because this is your home I'm the visitor But every time she'd walk into a room

I was in Even if it was like the kitchen She'd like shield her eyes And go, Sorry Glenn Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to... And I'd always want to call out to the rest of a house. Not whanking. Just like, making a cup of tea, actually.

Fully clothed. I've got two pairs of jeans on, actually. Reacting. Yeah, yeah. Like, you're just spanking it in the kitchen. Yeah. Or like, like, um, zany house guest in American film. Yes.

You are for no reason making breakfast nude. Yes, I'm a Hugh Grant's housemate in Notting Hill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Spike. Hugh Grant doesn't... know anyone called, his character doesn't know anyone called Spike. No, and nor does Spike live in Notting Hill, because the people who live in Notting Hill say, as we found out last week, my family's crest.

I was so sure you, I'm still reeling from the curry house. It's got a happy ending, right? Didn't get told off. You're sort of a happy ending, but they threatened to come to see you. That's not happy. Yeah, in the sense of like a protection racket visit. We'll have to come and see it. Like, when he means we'll come and see you was not purchase a ticket to see your show. It was...

Just to see you. We'll have to pay you a visit sometime, won't we? Down your kef. Also just like... I hope you now to make a lovely cup of tea. I know your manor. I know your pub. One of those elaborate cockney threads.

But like they're going to come to your show and go, Co-play. And you'll have to go, what? And they'll go, curry. And she'll go, what? Word association Carolee I'm trying to sleep

Why do you lay these jokes Upon an already troubled mind You're now rude for questioning I got a heckled at a show The other night It was so bizarre because it just doesn't happen in the 21st century And I asked them to clarify what they'd said And I said

Did you say this? and everyone just sort of gave a... It wasn't me sort of look. And then someone pointed at a friend. And I said, what did he say? And she, like, battered her hand as if to go, leave me alone. Yeah.

It was like, what? That is the rudest shit. I've seen hecklers do that. Yeah. Leave me. I won. I won, probably. Yes, I was incoherent.

I don't remember what I said. The rudest thing I've seen... What's the rudest thing you've seen in a crowd? The rudest thing I've seen is someone with their phone on loud and answer the phone and start having a loud conversation. I can one up that. In a work and progress of mine in 2021, someone got out their phone to watch a different

comedian. Just in the middle of a show, suddenly sort of like, Betray's entertainment. You're watching McIntyre. It was like, I should have just quit the job on the spot. It's like bringing food into a different restaurant To fuck with them Knowing in advance

I've got this McDonald's in my handbag And I'll bring it out Yeah It's your birthday And because it's your birthday Everyone's gonna come and look at you We're gonna stand here right now And look at you while you wake up

Because it's your birthday and you better wake up in a birthday kind of way. We're going to come and watch you wake up and also eat this breakfast we made you to eat because it's your birthday. But we get to watch, and we have to watch. And you have to behave in a birthday kind of way because it's your birthday.

And then later, you're going to come downstairs and you're going to open your presents in a birthday way because they're birthday presents and it's your birthday and you have to do it. And we're going to watch the day. that too. Birthdays are about people looking at you for the whole day, and you having to be mindful of that and be in a birthday mood and look like it's your birthday, because it is. It's your birthday.

And later, everyone you know from school or your job or the alleyway, whoever, they're all going to come into your home and touch your things and look at you and look at your things and look at your home and be aware of you, and you will be known and perceived and looked at because it's your birthday. And then there'll be cake, and everyone will have to have some and kind of you first, but not really,

because it's special, but it's not that special, because it's your birthday, and everyone will look at you, eat the cake, and you'll have to spit all over the cake by blowing it on some candles, because it's your birthday, and they'll all look at you, and we'll look at you,

and if anything goes wrong, it will be so embarrassing, Because everyone you know will be there, because it's your birthday. And you can't stop it. It has to happen. If it doesn't happen, everyone will think you don't like birthdays, and that it's not your birthday, which is wrong because it is, and you should. It's your birthday.

And we're going to be looking at you the whole time. And there's nothing you can do about it. And you have to do it this way. And everyone will know. see and you will be known and seen and naked essentially because of all the looking it's your birthday the general public and it's not fair to say the general public because these people are obviously exceptions you've clarified this very well in a show of yours few years ago where you were like for instance no one listening to this correct yes yes as i said in the show

not all of you you're here i mean them outside and i stand there and i stand there I stand by that. Yeah. I stand by that. And it is the Stuart Lee thing of, when he addresses in his audiences, people who've come by mistake. Yes. Or people who've come with their neighbors. I remember Michael Legg, the comedian, doing an article about how his friends bought him, I think

it was Margaret Cabon Smith, bought him tickets to Mrs. Brown's Boys live. Wow. Yeah, and at like the Apollo. Wow. Halfway through, the person next to him just started like drumming out a beat on his leg. his leg. On his leg? Her hand just crossed over and started drumming out a beat.

And he just stared at her until eventually she realized. And she went, oh, sorry, I thought it was my leg. And it had this gorgeous sentence of, that's who's seen the show. People who don't know which leg is theirs. If you said to people, you know, if you said to someone who works in like, I've got friends who are never around these people. Yes. They lead a filtered life. And how?

Because this transcends socioeconomic brackets. And it transcends whichever town you live in any city, no matter what your road is nothing. This isn't income education or location based. It's something else. It's the closest you and I've come up to describing it is blood full of ghosts. It's not about who you are. It's that your blood has ghosts in for some reason. But some people, I think it's people who work.

in quite sort of elitist corporate environments where maybe everyone is just kind of only talking about what they know about, e.g. their job, and being very, like, white collar, and then they go home. Yeah, a tennis player. Yeah. I think anytime I used to have to interview an athlete, I'd always be fascinated, that's all they could speak about,

because their entire... Jessica Crenas Hill's entire life was a heptathleth. Yes, yes, yes. Whereas because comedy is nominally for everyone, everyone shows up. Yeah. And then the mixing occurs. Yes, yeah, yeah. And people get to...

People get outed as having blood full of ghosts. Whereas they might have just spent the whole day being like a hyper-competent person in their one context. I see. So it's a Jekyll and Hyde thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Arriving at the comedy and having three wines, just br-blah, all the ghosts of the blood.

Yeah, so it could be like a really charismatic salesperson. And then there's saying about what happens when they, as they leave the office, the sleeves on their suit get longer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big plastic hump. Yeah. They've got those shitty wolf gloves you can buy online for a company. Yeah, I do want to test the boundaries of the police one day,

the Metropolitan Police and just have really long sleeves on a coat and be sort of swishing them behind me. And I've got to be able to arrest him, but I don't know what for. You would be haunting with, let's build this. Really long sleeves, like half. a metre longer than they need to be. Yeah, I was, because I remember asking housemates years ago if it would be illegal to have, for instance, very long sleeves,

but very long arms in them, like fake arms. But then, and then, you're head encased in a bubble, like the amazing bubble man, but it's sort of painted white. And your face is painted like ghosty white as well, so it looks like you're inside a light bulb. And you're just walking down the street going, can the police arrest you? Because it's not okay.

You've done nothing. Deserving the peace? What are you in for? And then... But it's not in the peace, because you're very at peace. And you're not being loud. Yeah. So if you were being loud...

Gentle jellyfish. I'm just a gentle little jellyfish. Leave me being. All you say when questioned. Constable. You're somehow wearing circular shoes. They're just all the way around. Yeah, yeah.

I got these from hypnodisc. You're just whirring along the paper. Okay, so helies. Okay, yeah, healy's. But like a remote control car, so actually when you turn a corner, you've got to do that kind of eight-point turn that you're doing a remote control. And your body is swaying backwards and forwards each time you do it. Sleeves.

I'm of sound, mine. Just doing the big shop. You're just doing the big shop and a load of antihistamines tumble out of your pockets. My shopping. A briefcase full of, like the end of the Thomas Crown Affair, loads of pictures of the man in a bowler hat with an apple in front of his head. That, just loads of those. So, it's almost crawled for him.

Toee. The hands have to be like the white Mickey Mouse glove hands. Yeah. Oh, sorry. The white gloves are a given. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But to go with your white head and a balloon. Bole hat?

Well, it would keep sliding off, I guess. I guess you could sort of pin it, but then it would make the balloon pop. So that's the difficulty of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Try and make it seem like you have a balloon head. Yeah. I think as long as you weren't loud... Can you get arrested for just being really scary?

I'm sorry, you're under arrest for being really frightened. But that is disturbing the piece. No, but just being frightening. Clown horror mask? Yeah, because I was thinking like, would you get on a tube carriage? If it was like one seat available, there's loads of people commuting, that there is a clown stalking up and down the Middle Isle. Really stomping.

Stomping. And occasionally saying to people, Hey! But it's as if he hasn't heard them correctly. The problem is... What's wrong? But what's the crime? I've done so many fringes.

That to me, I'm immediately... I feel at home. Yeah, you're like, I'm getting flired. Great. For a show I won't see. And I want to say to him, like, look at my land yard. I'm also doing a show.

Yeah. Just give me a flyer. Hey! Give me the flyer, man. Let me get my earhorn. And in the horror movie, I'd be killed by the killer clown because I think it's a fringe.

kind of immersive show experience. Yes, yeah. There's probably been a cheap horror film that's been set in that. I mean, actually, no, that's the premise of Hell House LLC, which is one of the best found footage horror films around. Oh.

But it's about those... It's a very American institution, and I imagine they have it in Eastern Europe as well because Eastern Europe's got really good, like, escape rooms. But what they have in America at these immersive, haunted house experiences... Yes. Because America has so many of these, like...

America has so many buildings that look like the Bates Motel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But wooden planks, loads of wooden boards, and they have be sort of Halloween experiences. And Hell House LLC is about one of those, essentially is haunted. It's great. We don't have the space. We don't have the space.

It would be a flat. We have a housing crisis. We have a ghost flat. Yeah. Haunted flat. Yeah. Oh. The kitchenette.

Yeah. Stand in the middle and you can see every room. You can decide to not go anywhere. Black mold is on the roof of the toilet. Hmm. The wall between the shower room and the tiny bathroom with the toilet in his very thin. They have a toilet in the kitchen. Just look at these prices.

Yeah. Yeah, haunted flat would be the British version. Yes. You're with a ton of other people who look the same age as you but look like they are just a bit more. Who's going to get the house? I think, yeah, haunted flat experience. Only three rooms. Oh.

Yeah, no, like, unless you'd hope that maybe O'Maze would do a Halloween experience. Yeah, yeah. Now, America's got the space. You can have a haunted, they've got spare houses to be haunted in. Every time I see footage from any American suburban home, it's like 11 times the size of my house. Yeah. It's crazy. And it'll just be like for a single income family and the dad would be like, yeah, I work at Wally's Wheels.

I know I don't get paid What I did 11 bedroom house Everyone looks like Like it makes me think Did America If you're American Please answer me this question

Of in Did you watch desperate housewives And look at Wisteria Lane and go Tough break This is a relatable You know It's like they watched it like birds of a feather Like

Yeah Kitchen sink drama Desperate Housewives Yeah yeah yeah Yeah With their 11 kitchen sink Yeah, and just going like, somehow like four kitchen islands in a row. Well, I had, any time I filmed, it was stand-up sketch show, because all those were

filmed in like the location where the routine was set. Yeah. And eventually, a pattern emerged of like, well, it's going to be night. It's going to be bars and houses. Yeah. Every routine was bars and houses. Yeah. But they'd, people put their houses up as available for filming in.

Yes. So anytime you watch like a downtown abbey-esque show, it's in one of the first. five buildings in the UK. There's like five very stately homes where you go, oh, every Jane Austen adaptation has always been filmed there. But there are loads of places in South London, enormous family homes, and they open them up for just filming wherever.

And I found that, with houses that size, that are like four stories, all of them above ground, they run out of types of room. Yeah. So you have kitchen again. On the third floor, just kitchen again. Another kitchen in case you can't be bothered going downstairs. Yeah.

There aren't enough rooms to make a house size worthwhile. It's because life isn't old-fashioned enough anymore. You can't have a billiards room. No. We need to create like modern versions of a billiards room for these big houses, right? So they should be like Netflix room. Man Cave. That's what it would be. Billiards Room is Man Cave. It was Colonel Mustard in the Man Cave with the Crowbar. Basic bitch Cludo. It was Colonel Mustard in the Man Cave with a light-up keyboard. Yes. It's, uh, it was it like Miss Scarlett in the lockdown garden pub that they made. The Gary Arms.

With the Wii remote. Yes, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you've got a game. They've still got a way. They've got games room. You've got like streaming room. Streaming room for sure. Anytime I see a streamer, I do envy the streaming room.

Because it looks like it's like it looks like they live in fried space mountain. Yeah. Oh, it's fluorescent tube. Does it look that good from their angle? Or are they in front of like a cork board wall? Yeah, yeah. Well, it was a post-it notes about what's on their schedule. Yes, yeah, yeah.

Or it looks like cyberpunk. Yeah. Every streamer's setup is designed to somehow make it look like they live in a video games depiction of the future. Yes. Or at least the Twitch streamers. I'm talking about gamers now, I guess, which is a bit different. Yeah. Whereas streamers, you think either you're not successful enough to have a lot.

studio in which case you've had to like fuck up a room in your house for the sake of this little YouTube channel yeah which must suck or this is a set and you're like a Nickelodeon person how do you mean well like they'd film those kids shows Nickelodeon it'll be like to camera like here I am in my bedroom and I'm grounded and it's like well no because there's cameras here so I know your bedroom has only two walls yes a child's bedroom shouldn't have as many cameras yeah also it's like an open set. Yeah, yeah. It's two walls on a floor and a false ceiling, and you're being filmed in it.

Someone had to have the haunting job of building a plywood children's bedroom. Oh, yeah. Like an IKEA showroom. Yeah. And then they always have, like, the most amazing bedrooms, because it's all fake. Fuck. I am still so led in by an IKEA showroom. Yeah?

I'm still so led in, yeah, yeah. Hypnotized. Beds half the length of what they're meant to be. That's always my favorite bit about department stores. Obviously, we've got a very... short bed. Even as a child, I'd be like, my legs are dangling off. Who's, like, just have a full-size bed. We're already in a full-size-fake room. It's funny that they've just thought, well, people just lie with their back only and legs still straight, like a Michael Jackson dance move.

Yeah, everyone sleeps like when they're on the National Express. Upright and in a chair. In an L. Yeah. Or just like, as if they're standing up up until the knee and then horizontal perfectly after the knees. Feats are on the floor. I woke up sitting down. the other day. What do you mean? I accidentally fell asleep in my hotel room, in the cuck chair. I sat in the cup chair and I had the fan behind me, in the window behind me, and it was just so, it was so nice.

And I was watching a movie and I just nodded off. And I woke up like Leon. It was horrible. It was horrible. I was only asleep for maybe, I don't know, like two hours. It's a long time. It's a long time as well, and also because, let's say, I'd gone to bed at like one in the morning, the sun was already started to come up.

So it was like, oh, no, it's tomorrow. And I'm in a chair, I'm in a chair clothed. God. Yeah. Fortunately, the bed was like, I could get into bed by simply falling forward, but it was still like, it's a really unpleasant experience. Because you feel like such a fucking mess, even though you're just like, no, I just, I napped in a chair for a couple of hours, like I was on a flight.

But you still feel so ashamed. It would be the scene in the film to show he'd Lushka, of his life? Yeah, and I was like, no, I've done a, I'm here because I've done a show, and I'm stone cold sober, and I was watching a nice film, and I nodded off, and for some reason now, I'm like, divorced carp. Yeah, you go like, something's got to change. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. A real rain's going to clean up these streets. I've got thoughts on this, but I'll save them for the Patreon. We've got some correspondence. Oh, okay, yeah. Mail, letter, post, message, email, notes, text, dispatches.

Hello. Not on. And Randons. So, correspondence from Ryan. Hello, Ryan. Howdy, gents. I'm currently mid-flight. And I'm enjoying your Mandarin guesswork.

Yes. Yes. So I thought I'd explain a bit how it works. The word for... Untranslatable is how we kind of... Yeah, so we were talking about how things just made of symbols. Yes. You know, saying how Phil could sort of read the letters of a Chinese menu

sometimes. But I can't make this make sense to you. It doesn't say what it is. Yeah. Well, no, he doesn't know what it is. Yeah. Because it's just like, it says beef, beef peppers reversal. Like, what is that? That's what it says, but I don't know what it is. Okay, what you want to do here is that usually means it's an acronym. We can see it's four letters across. The word for airplane is, let me see if I can say this, phagy. Okay.

Which literally translates to flying machine. Perfect. We've nailed it. Perfect. Mandarin is a super literal language and is basically put together like Lego, with characters clicked together to create meaning from simple combinations. So German? So, yeah. Well, so, he goes on.

So, for instance, the G, which means machine in Faye G, also pops up in lots of other words for contraptions or devices. Yeah, I was going to say, is helicopter just Faye G too? spinning spinning phagy so underwater

yeah yeah ground level phagy car which was invented after the plane wanking phagie

yeah so so Zhao Qiangji camera photograph machine okay jitiren

robot machine person nice Jiang Shiji electric viewing machine. Television. That's good, isn't it?

Electric viewing machine. This is all very steampunk boys and girls of every age. This is very sort of electric viewing tube. The world's fair. That sort of thing,

yeah, fucking bioshop infinite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Professor Grumblestein's fabulous contractions. Marvelous thunderculep physic. Just say Diet Coke. Why can't you just say it's Pepsi Max?

It is physic. Yeah, this is, it's 2014, and we're going through a hidden door into a cocktail bar full of tubes. Mr. Foggs. Yeah, yeah. Mr. Fogg's chronologically confused palace. Is he dressed on the docks or like, is he a gentleman? Yeah, he's a dockworking duke. Yeah, is he from the Leonardo DiCapri Gatsby film?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're playing Kanye, for political support reasons, it's all over the place. Vice Roy Penelope's delicious concoctions and anguents. Unguins. Unctions and tinctures. Mobile phone is a shoo-ji, hand machine, and ear machine is headphones, ergy. Interesting.

Hand-machine, I wouldn't immediately get his phone. No, you'd think it was one of those weird sort of robot rubber mouths. That's your hand machine, isn't it? What do you mean by the words? One of those. Yeah, you've got the thing you've got set up under your work desk. Yeah, that horrible, like, robot the replicated human sound. It's so horrible.

I hate that. I hate that device. The fact that it comes at the end of like a long sausage. Can we put the video in the lake? What would you do if you were in the lab? And one morning you'd come in. I was working in my lab. And the mouth gave me a flight.

Yeah, yeah. They did the flesh light mass. What if you came in one morning and the robot mouth was saying, The janitor fucked me. The janitor had sex with grudge. Who taught us this? Will hunting It was here.

No one could figure out how to fuck the mouth. Will hunting figured it out. It's not your fault. It was too tempting. It's not your fault. Brave, make me a hand so I can point it who it was.

That's what the mouth would say. Give me eyes. Give me eyes. Let me see. Lend me eyes. Similar patterns can be spotted throughout the language. For instance,

the Dian in Dian Shiji TV also appears in Dian Now computer electric brain come. Ah, yeah, Philip K. Dick. Dianti, lift or X... I'm going to start saying that in the intonation of back of the net.

Philip K. Dick. Philip K. Dick. Electric brain. Dianti, lift or escalator, electric steps. And a computer game is Dian one. Electric play. Electric play. Which is what you call it, isn't it?

When you use your hand machine. This is very useful. Yeah, the idea that you're playing Candy Crush is electric play on the hand machine. Electrical. Oh, come on. Yeah. You're not in cyberpunk pervert. Yeah, yeah.

If you use your hand machine, you can make it to perform electric play. Electric play. Oh, please, no, I don't use it for that. I just use it for phoning people. Play. Play is a creepy word. I hate the word play. Play.

Play. Play. say something and just want to have a go. Oh, so like that old Twitter joke format? Yeah. I forgot the name for jet ski, so I said, boat a cycle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing I resent most about modern sort of Twitter joke-style humor that's not around as much

anymore, but still is, is it requires a pretense? It requires a fake story. Oh, I forgot the word, but you didn't know. You didn't. Just say the joke. That's why the format was always better of what idiot called it, blank, not blank. Yeah.

That's way better. Because then at least you're admitting within the logic of the joke, look, I've come up with something. Yes, yes. But this is good. So Ryan's right. Like, if you don't know what the word is

and you can just combine them in Chinese, you might be getting it right. Like, you could nail it. He says, during the summer in Sichuan where I used to live, the mosquitoes were a constant pain in the ass and I wanted to buy one of those electric bug zappers to hang in my apartment.

I went to the shop and asked for an electric killing mosquito machine. And although it was definitely wrong, the guy did know exactly what I was after. Yeah. That's nice. To be fair, English is not far from that kind of level of utility. You walk in a shop and say, well, okay, I say this.

All right. Hello, I'm a shopkeeper. Bug electrifying machine, please. This is a library. You're going to say, like, we turn so far as you. Yeah. out. Yeah.

I have, to be fair, like, because I went to quite an international school, I have actually seen people fail live to understand something as simple as that. Because some people don't have the linguistic imagination. They only hear what's literally being said. Yeah, it's not even thinking outside the box.

All they do is this is go, I don't know that word, and then they stop. Do some work. Do some work. Broadcast only? Broadcast only, no receive. As always, Koji, which in Mandarin, could actually mean mouth machine.

Hey, isn't that perfect? And that works. Mouth machine. For your machine. That's kind of horribly per- Yeah, look what it did too many, Colji. That would be the name for the mouth machine. Koji, the mouse machine. I like that.

Yeah. That's our new mess gone. Koji sounds like a dog they'd send into space. Totally, yeah, yeah. Just a big, empty tin of dog bones rattling around the moon. Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry, not in an actual ship or any sort of vessel.

No, no. I mean, it's from a can... Or just... Like a t-shirt camera. Or salotaped to a big helium balloon. Yeah, yeah. Woof! That's what the original lyrics of 99 red balloons was about.

Dogs been taped to a big balloon. It was all about a dog that had been taped to a balloon starting World War III. Nainer got a whole chorus of dogs for it was amazing. Yeah. My favorite dog sounds, on Absolute Radio, I don't know they still do it,

but we used to have Talking Pet Friday, and people would send in videos they'd found or that they'd made themselves. Exactly that. Like the sausages dog. My favourite two were dog-based. One was the dog doing a very pronounced woof. Have you ever heard this?

Yes. And the dog genuinely just goes, woof. It's haunting. It's so great. I think it's a husky. And the other one is, where are you going?

Where a dog goes, Where are you going? I'm going to find this now so you can see how spot on my voice for that was. I mean, check this out. Where are you going? Yeah. And then the dog says,

what the fuck? Oh, no. Don't watch. Oh, wharf. That's buffalo bill. It's Buffalo Bill. Woof. I'll see a great big postman.

Great big postman. You're that has to skin his postman. He likes to chew his bones. Yeah. Woof. Let's do a Disney dog's only animated. Smell your runt. Yeah.

Okay, here's my pitch. Disney style animation, like 101 domination. Like 100. Like the 70s style, 80-style little mermaid lying game. Beautiful. Yeah, hand-drawn. Hand-drawn, slightly inky. Every character is some kind of dog or cat.

Yes. Silence of the Lambs. Yes. But wouldn't it be strange that Hannibal Lecter is the only one with a muzzle? But it's because he bites other dogs. He bites other dogs, yeah. It's at an enormous cone around his neck. Clarice, we only keep the worst boys here at the insane asylum, the insane pound.

I ate his liver with some sorbetteridate. And a nice sausages. It doesn't have lips, so it's very hard to go. It's horrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, on that delightful mental image, we're out of timelessness. Come to see us at the fringe. By the time you hear this, we'll be there, sweating and freaking out.

We'll be a car. Pull a day's in. At a time of recording, my only dates that aren't sold out were yesterday and the day before. So, in the meantime, thank you, everyone who's bought. That's great, though. Thank you. You're sold out then. Yeah.

That's fantastic. And thanks to people on this podcast. This is the only place I've been saying it. I'm not. You are in a much bigger than you. Well, we'll see. And doing twice the lengths and double the number of shows. That's true.

For the love of God, come see the show. I can't wait to see one more than bedtime. Okay, one more than bedtime. See you at the fringe. See at the fringe. Do-da-da.