BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E61 | A New Ape

Episode Date: August 12, 2026

Video Version Here!This week the buds discuss Koko the Gorilla, 'Hen-do Mums', wackaging and the 'Boy Who Could Fly'.This week's sketch: 'Only Fools and Horses' (Alternative Version)Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back!Edinburgh Fringe Festival - August 16th, 2026 - Tickets available hereCheerful Earful Podcast Festival - October 10, 2026 - Tickets available hereBath Komedia - November 3rd, 2026 - Tickets available here Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVVote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Bud Pod Part 61. Come with us, everyone. Link hands and lips and toes. You ever link toes with someone? Oh, no, God. I didn't think that I disliked that kind of thing, but I do. Yeah, they... Now that you've said it like that.

Yeah, because can you... How are you at moving your toes individually? Pretty good, I'd say. Really? Big toe, I've got full control. Yeah. Little toe I can move out. But then I've got three.

I can sort of move them at once, like a monkey. Yeah, then I've got three next to a little toe, but just move as one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Soicastic toe quotes. Yeah, my toe quotes. All right, you're whatever. Socastic chimp doing foot quotes, of me. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I really want a banana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the evolved one. Yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, Robin Williams has died. Yeah, Coco's sad. Yeah. Yeah, Coco, yeah, Coco, yeah, Coco,

Coco really sad. Oh yeah, you me eat banana, you me give banana, you me give. Yeah, nice one. We're going to give you a new enclosure with some more logs and things. Great. I wish we hadn't taught Coco the gorilla

to do sarcastic fingers and feet. Because while Coco's signing with her hands, she could use the feet to add quotes when... Yes. It's a good double. And I quote, and then does it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You said yesterday, you can have, like, as the feet start going, you can have more oranges tomorrow. Jane Goodall, you said you'd stop smacking me every night when everyone goes home. When people aren't looking. Coco, shut up. You won't get the cuff. Get your voice down. Was it all fake, Coco the gorilla? Do you think it was a big lady inside, in a suit?

Well, she's a great big signing gorilla. Uh, yeah. Uh, you likes of skin, his gorillas. He's making his own gorilla suit. We keep seeing a van park up at the zoo, and a man with a supposedly broken arm. Lurring a helpful gorilla. Excuse me. Jumbo.

Could you help me with this? It rubs the lotion on its fur or else he gets the hosiger. But what? The hosiger. We think he might be making, he's making a suit. His own gorilla. And so da-da, love the monkey suit. Get the monster!

Do you think? Yeah, sorry. That Coco the gorilla was basically the whole time just going, banana, I want a banana. And they were just like, wow, Coco says we should invest in eastern Poland. But it was, it was, um, it was, um, it was, um, it was, um, it was was really basic, the communication. But what I quoted earlier was the longest ever sentence by a monkey is like,

you, me, give, banana, you, me give. And it was like, no, that was, the sentence was three words. They just kept saying the same thing over and over again. Coco, Coco made jokes occasionally. Coco would be like Cocoa Bird, and they'd be like, no, Cocoa Gorilla. And then Coco would, like, laugh and go, yes, Cocoa Gorilla. Even that, I think. Coco has sense of Chardonfreude,

whenever Jane Goodall fell over, carrying a big cake. Coco laugh at misfortune of others. Coco, Coco, find slapstick low brow. Low brow. Grab her brow. Yeah, yeah.

Low brow. Coco, find your analysis reductive. Coco, not respect Robin Williams. But, but, but, Enjoy films. Yeah, yeah. Not artistically. Flubber masterpiece.

Flubber masterpiece. Who taught Coco Flubber? That was me. I did that. Yeah. What's the sign language for Flubb? What's the elvish word for flubber? Bell.

Speak Flubber and you'll enter. I have no memory of this ape. I laugh every time. I go to Monkey Barrel, is where I am slash R currently performing. Yes, same, same. O'boh, it'll be at first thing in the morning. Yills.

And in the sort of comedian's green room cupboard, is an enormous... You've been in that little cupboard, sure. Which monkey bar are we talking about? I'm in one, you're in three. No, so just the general green room all year round. The cupboard... I've never been.

I've never gig there outside of the friend. You're fucking kidding. I'm only in Edinburgh, you're in the fringe. I'll do... And I do my tour shows at the stand. So I've never done this whole show at the monkey barrel. That's what it is. So, in the little green room cupboard

is an enormous, for some reason, like wall-sized poster for an I think 70s or 80s movie in French about Cocoa the Gorilla. Really? Yeah, and it's not a photo. You know those old movie posters where it's like a kind of painting?

Yeah, I love those. Almost like Star Wars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really like those. A new ape. A new ape. So it's a big, like, kind of painting of Coco the Gorilla. It's like the impressionistic painting of Coco the Gorilla. And I don't know why this makes me laugh so much, but it just says,

K-O-K-O above, like, Cocoa is the title of the film. Knockout, knock-out, the gorilla. I love Knock-out, Knock-out, the gorilla. Respect the full name. It's Knock-Out, knock-up the gorilla. Part of the Tekken Gorilla family. There was also perfect gorilla. And finish him.

Perfect the gorilla. Perfect the gorilla. That's so sinister. Perfect, the gorilla was only taught how to sign sexy ballad lyrics. Yeah, and Hadalkin. Yeah, Coco Adorn. Yeah, Coco thinks that she can shoot energy out of her arms. One of the interns let her play for sure.

Street Fighter now. It's fucked up decades of work. Coco nearly unlock Hay Hachi. Coco prefer Ling Shao Yu. Overpole King. The thing that makes me laugh is this is Coco, a picture of the gorilla, and then the sort of the log line of the film. Yes.

Is La Goril Kipal. The gorilla who talks. Who talks? Parley Francaire, like Paul. La Grille-Qaeda. Like John Cleese's character in Georgia's The Jungle. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God.

I just, something about it being in French makes it so funny to me. La Grille Gipal. Like some sinister French circus master. Yeah, like Lepetermain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's part of a wider lineup. Yeah, Le Petermaine is headlining. Yeah.

But La Goril Quipal is opening. Yes, because the only other monkey show I can think of is... Because you're open or on tour. Oh, Coco. Yeah, I've got... Coco, the girl are opening for me. Tye 20. Coco, overrun.

Coco, sorry. That's all right, Coco. You're having fun about it. I don't know why, but sometimes seeing something silly in a different language, I wish I spoke another language. The cousin de Janeiro. It's funny.

It's so silly. Because French is supposed to be sophisticated, seeing something as dumb as the gorilla who talks. Yes, yeah, yeah. doesn't seem right or it lends it a bit of Parisian flare it shouldn't have. Well, also I think it's just such a... Obviously, it's the logline, but it's a sort of literal title of a film my parents would have rented me on VHS from Blockbuster.

I used to get so excited on like a Friday night if it was like, oh my God, I might actually get to go on the PlayStation for like an hour and a half. Yeah. And occasionally my parents had come back and say, you can go on the PlayStation or we'd go, you know, you this from Blockbuster. And it'd be like, oh, good, an unsolicited film

of their choosing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And obviously, you have to take it. And I remember... We've decided this would be good for you to watch. Got me a VHS one. It was called The Boy Who Could Fly. And even when I looked at it, even as like a six-year-old,

I was like, fuck, say, man. Oh, boy, went for a long evening. And I watched it, and it was hard work. What was it? It's about a boy... The eponymous boy... Yeah. Doesn't fly.

Come on He's like, I think He doesn't talk And the other kids are trying to get He's mysterious Let's look this up Yeah But what happened was I watched it

And then the next night I think my sister had been away On like a sleepover And I was like I care we watch whatever we want On the Saturday And my parents were like Well we need to take a video

Back to Blockbuster a Monday And Janelle wasn't seen The Boy He Could Fly So I mean I watched it a second time On over two nights I hope I haven't made this film up It was simply called The Boy Who Could Fly Boy Who Could Fly, it's coming up.

Here we go. From what year? 1986. 1986. Why did they think I'd enjoy that? A fantasy drama film. Fantasy drama, okay. Written and directed by the same guy, Nick Castle.

Right. Who is known for playing Mike Myers. So Mike Myers from Halloween wrote the film. No. Yeah. And he wrote Escape from New York with John Carpenter. What the fuck? What a strange career he's at.

What an incredibly odd. He also... Uh, was the director of Dennis the Menace, 1993. The American one where I thought he killed his grandfather, because he shot a flaming marshmallow into his forehead. This guy's fingerprints are all over your life. Yeah, how weird is that? So, The Boy Who Could Fly, let's see.

The film stars Lucy Deacons, as 14-year-old Millie Michelson, Jay Underwood is Eric Gibb, a boy with autism, one of mine. Hey! Okay. And he doesn't talk, and he doesn't talk? Uh, okay. After the suicide of her terminally ill father... Yeah. The boy who could fly.

Fun. Fun for you. Fun for you. Millie becomes friends with Eric, the autistic kid, who lost both of his parents to a plane crash. Jesus Christ. The boy who didn't want to fly. The boy who...

Yeah, it was really quite scared of flying off that. Justifiably. Yeah, yeah. Together, Eric and Millie find ways to cope with the loss and the pain as they escape to faraway places. Glenn all like that. Let's get that for Glenn. It's all bereavement, people being harassed by bullies.

What? Okay, one evening Millie and her family witness, Eric, being put in a straight jacket. Oh, God. I have no memory of this. Well, that's accurate. Yeah. I mean, in the 80s.

Yeah, the boy kept insisting he could fly. Well, he just, like, he didn't talk. Yeah, he had autism in the 80s. He had autism in the 80s, so he's like, oh, he doesn't really talk, and he doesn't also join in with things. Yeah, the who's film Tommy is just him getting shot at by police. We just have to taser him. Why is he good at Pimball?

Yeah. Put him in an asylum. Okay, so they sort of like kind of fall in love with each other. Eric catches a baseball just before it hits Millie. So it's like Eric's got like powers. Are you reading the entire Wikipedia synopsis? Yeah, in a dreamlike stage, she imagines waking in hospital where Eric communicates with her silently and confirms that he can fly.

I thought you were reading the little log line like IMD. So I was like, the idea that this film is so, like Mandarin, this film is so unexplainable, even in like the TV, if it was on on TV, instead of having like, plane trains and automobiles, comedy starring Steve Martin, followed by the boy who could fly. So there's this kid, he says parents have done, and it fills up the entire page of the TV guide. What the fuck is this?

It's the guy who wrote the TV guy just going, I need to give my context to this. Fantasy drama doesn't really cover it. I can't really let the public go into this completely blind. Yeah. So Eric confirms that he can fly. Yeah? And then flies away.

Yeah, I remember that. He flies. I remember that bit. Sorry to spoil it. I wonder, is anyone listening to this podcast? I don't know. So what is it? What is the fuck is the... What is that? I don't know, Pierre. I only saw it twice over a 48-hour period when I was like six.

Jesus, man. There were other ones who rented as well? Were your parents thinking? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I have you feel bad now that I can't fly. I don't have the flying autism, I'm going to start saying. So this is how.

I can... I'm not non-verbal, but I also don't have the flying autism, so... I'm kind of against the Bradley Cooper film. Limitless. Because it just makes you feel shit. Yeah. He can do anything. And he goes, oh, that's good for him. I think an interesting film would be a guy discovers the limitless pill, but he is like not attractive. Yes. At all.

Yeah. He's like a neck beard. Like a red at neck beard. Yes. But he gets a limitless pill. So he is amazing at everything. But he's still like social outcast. People are like, yeah, that's cool.

A bit like when? It doesn't work as well if it's not someone as hot as Bradley Cooper. You know. Does it make him strong? Isn't it just like the Matrix? Whatever he puts his mind to, he becomes like an expert in. Yeah, which doesn't really... Doesn't he become really quick?

But you can't think yourself to have a six-pack? I can imagine seeing a scam advert below a Daily Express article saying I could do that. Oh, yeah, with a top-down photo of someone boiling four bananas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eat these six... Truffles? In a pan?

Empty your bowel completely and think your way to a six-pack. So many people online are full of shit and are desperately searching for some sort of boiled banana-based solution. You'd have a six-pack where not for that. The turds are filling in the lines at the moment. You'll have a six-pack from shitting once you're done. Like when you're inflating a lilac.

Yeah. You'll have to use your stomach muscles so much to get all the poo out of yourself. It will give you a six-pack. Yeah. So I don't... Shit, yourself shredded. In terms of instructions like that,

I had a flashback the other day to a friend of mine at uni had had a couple of tumultuous breakups. And her way of dealing with it was to put loads of inspirational quotes and the like on her wall. Well, like she prints those out, I mean, like, be the hero in your own

movie. But also sometimes it was stuff about being, like, damaged as a person and stuff like that. It was quite reflective as well. Oh, um, um, uh, Jared Leto's the Joker. Yeah. Kind of. Right. But she had, um...

Sometimes the flowers with the snapped stem are the most... It was that. Wonderful. And it had, she had, uh, hurt people, hurt people. Okay. But the thing is on, on a... Because it was in like, lowercase, and men in uppercase, it looked like a really strange instruction on her wall.

Hurt people. Hurt people! All right, I will, I will Yes, yes Yes, yes I see it now Yeah, thank you Then they'll respect me

Yes, yeah Yeah, yeah Pass the pain My father inflicted onto me On to them To them And then I'll be free Yes

And then they'll be in pain Double bonus Two things I want You've cornered the world market On broken lawnmower engines What's your partner doing now Is you buying second-hand pedos? No, no no

Nothing like that. No, we're, um, we're going into the self-catering ology trade. Oh, what, on 200, Nicker? Yeah, well, we're starting in a small way. Well, you got a windy ass? We've got some half-price, crack dice, miles and miles of carpet tiles, TVs, deep freeze, David Bowie, LPs, Toasters, cereals, smash hits, cereals, Christmas lights, milk crates, lava lamps, garden gates, top drums, garden homes, cutlery, telephones, dildoes, anal beads, butt plugs, dog,

Hands, Hand cups, metal chains, bunch of old school teachers' cakes. Flesh lights, black tight, Gimp mask, jelly fights, monster cocks, scat fits, nipple clamps, piss play. Bormit facials, cum rags, tentacle hentai, anal, Gait, prolapse cams, crushed balls, asphyxiation, vomit facials, chastity belts,

All crushers, cream pie, horsecocks, brand new pair of woolen socks, deck chairs, number plate, skate, skateboards, rollers, escape, briefcase, and out of pushing, Trevor Francis, So it's tracks, suits from a mushing shepherd's bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush. No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee. So another blockbuster film I remember I was The Mami Market, which I believe is in other countries called Trading Marm.

This rings a bell. But I don't know if it was called that, why it was maybe called Trading Mom in the US and in the UK was called the Mommie Market because they both have MAM. which obviously they only say in the West Midlands. True. That's true. But it was, yeah, it was these kids who don't like their mum, so they find this mystical mummy market at night where you basically are given three...

It's like the Ghost of Christmas Past, you get three different mums, we'll come and visit you. Right. And you've got to settle on one of those. And if you don't, you'll have no mum forever. Three different mums. Yeah, so one's like, real action hero mum. And one's, I think, really, really strict. And I think one... I can't remember.

It was so 90s. You just cannot... You couldn't make the mummy market now. You couldn't make that of his days. You wouldn't see that on the BBC. Yeah, yeah. Because it's shit. Big fantasy market

full of fucking mums. He wouldn't dare. It wouldn't dare. You wouldn't do that on the BBC. The daddy market would be a... That's different, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. We're on the market for daddy.

Well, you've got leather. Yeah, yeah. You've got bear. It's a big gay market. These kids just have three. Very, very... sexualized gimp dads. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't want any of them. You go like, one is like the biker from the village people. Yes. Chains. Yeah, one's the one from Pulp Fiction. One's the gimp from Pulp Fiction. And one is like, um, what was it? Slip-nott drummer.

What? But that's not a daddy, though. No, it's not a daddy, but that mask is like zipped up mouth, very long clock like orange nose. No, but you have that on the gimp in the middle one. What would the third one be? It's difficult to think about. Oh, um, pup play.

Pup play. You remember Channel 4 did a documentary about a pup play? Yeah, and they have like, um... It's like, the masks look like... Dog Darth Vader. If you made Dog Star Wars... If you made Dog Star Wars,

if you made Dog Star Wars and you had to 3D print a kind of black, angular dog mask... Yeah. That's what they look like to me. Dogs heads exploding in space because they keep trying to fly to catch the Death Star in their mouths. I just leap out of the space. Cros! Another dog's exploded.

And they hate going to Catoine. Bang! The whole cinema just throws up and dies. Yeah. Really awful stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, really awful stuff. Really awful stuff. The lightsabers are bones.

And so on. And so on. Yes, okay. So those are those. three daddies they can choose from. Yes. But a puppy isn't a daddy though. It's not a daddy.

It's not a daddy. They get confused. Yeah, leather daddy. What's my mom? It's just Trevor daddy. And it's just a... Nice guy. Yeah, yeah.

Nice guy. Oh, you could seem all right. I know I'm not a replacement for your old dad, but I love your mom very, very much. Very very much. Yeah. Let me squeeze your knee a bit too hard. It's not sexual.

No, it's not sexual. It's just... He does it. I don't like it, though. I did think on a friend's stagdy once. Yeah. some friends would bring their dad on the stankton.

I think that this has been transferred from Hindus. I think... Yeah. Because I heard about Hindu mum. Yeah. Who's one of my... That sounds like a kind of Vietnamese philosopher. Famous monk.

Hindu mum. Which you're not oldest looking man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. completely so old, they're fully androgynous. The baldness is irrelevant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're all bald. Yeah. They're all bald by this stage. And famous anti-war protester and Buddhist monk, Hindu mum, has passed away tonight. According to the abbot of his monastery. Yes, in an anti-war protest, she set herself on fire just a week before her daughter's wedding.

Just the sash is like a robe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. A picture of a mum on a... a hendoo half a flame outside a yates as she's been kicked out of his protest. Cross-legged, expressionless. Burning. As two bouncers are like, oh.

Yeah, I did think about the people who were able to sort of set themselves on fire. It's like if you leaned in really close, you could hear them going, ow, ow, ow, fuck, ow, ow, ow, keep it together, keep together. Otherwise, what is all this for? This seems, but this looks fucking sick. Ow, ow, ow. That picture is insane. Absolutely insane.

So that, but with a hendom mouse. I heard about Hendo mums long before I heard about Stagdudad Yes So I think it's been transferred over I think Hendo mums was a kind of Because it makes more sense Because a hendu is so often

Activities that a mum would also enjoy Manicures, spa stuff Big brunch Oh a silly stripper It's sort of girls night out I think you've gone with TV Hendo there He's a real You've gone with Gavin and Strait

lazy hendoo. No, no, I'm not saying they don't exist, but I don't think that is the... I don't know a single girl he had a hendu like that. No, but we, we are, I mean, we're not, we're not representative. No, but what I mean is, I don't know any girls who had a hendu even similar to each other's. Really? Yeah, male stagdos tend to be the, you know, there's, I think there are two kinds of male hendu. There's one involving guns and there's one involving, um, two twos. Two-toos? Yeah, dressing the, dressing the stag up as a...

Right, right, right, right. I think those are like your two-male archetype ones. True, but I think... I mean, we've performed to Hindus doing normal Hindus. We know too many artsy, ironic people. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the point is, and how did we get onto this? So, I was saying it's more acceptable to me, mum Hindu.

Yes, okay. Because saying like, oh, my... Not that I wouldn't be, like, fun to have your dad around maybe, that's not that. It's just that, it's like, oh, like, if it's a traditional Stag, I mean. Yeah. It's like a lot of pretty rough fucking, like, it's hard to booze that much once you're in your 30s and 40s.

Well, I found a couple of times I encountered it. Much less 60, 70. What it was, there was just one person at the Stag who we all found it quite difficult to talk to. Yeah. And was really throwing themselves in quite gamely. Yeah. But I was sat next to the Stag's dad at one point during dinner.

And I just had this uncontrollable laughing fit that I had to keep to myself. Because I thought, what would I do if he just, without looking at me, he's doing to the person in front of him, because we're on these big, like, uh, trestle tables having lunch. What if he's talking to the person opposite him and he just leans over to my lap and start squeezing my balls as hard as he can? What do I do?

Because I don't want to make a scene. Don't you? What would you do? It's just, tax, dad. He's squeezing my bullets. What would you do? Have to think about it. You've got to be prepared to these sort of situations.

This is what the fairer man's done to you. But I think it's a possibility. As well, I was having this uncontrollable fit, he was like, is everything right? And I was like, I was just imagining if you squeeze my walls really hard. Right now. Imagine that. Wouldn't that be brilliant? What would I do?

What would you do if I was there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What will you do now I'm here? That's horrible. What a horrible... That's a line from a fucking horror novel, isn't it? What will you do now I'm here? What would you do?

Terrifying reply. What will you do? Do now I'm here. Yeah, outside your... The calls are coming from inside the house. Yeah. Yeah, it's the girl getting bothered on a train painting. Yeah. Yeah, it's that.

What were you doing? What will you do? No, I'm here. Try and finish my fucking book. Fuck off. I'm trying to read my small book of poems. Yeah, so he's... But he's not acknowledging you at all. He's just squeezing harder and harder. Okay, the pheromone has one allowed you to picture this with crystal clarity. Yeah, I can picture

where I was, yeah. I can picture exactly where I'm sat. Who's on the left of me? He's on the right. But I think the fair amount just gave you an instinct to imagine, like, in any situation, what is the next possible most injustice? Like when you'd see... And aggression. Trump dads on Twitter be like,

every room I walk into, I immediately work out how many exits there are and who's likely going to. And you go, why? Why? You've seen the body identity too much. Yeah. You hope... You pray for 9-11 in every room you go in. That you can be Mark Wahlberg. You want active shooter.

Yeah. That's why you're against gun control, because then when would you get to prove that you're Mark Wahlberg? Yeah. You know how Mark Wahlberg really wishes he was on those planes? Yeah. Do you reckon it's because he's like super Al-Qaeda? He's incredibly...

He's an Islamist. He's an Islamist. Mark Wahlberg. From Ted, yeah. Of course, Ted is an abomination. Yeah. Yeah. He gets caught on Hot Mike saying, like, incredibly controversial.

quotes from hate preachers around the world. That would be so funny. That's such a good conspiracy theory to start. Mark Wahlberg's an ISIS. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, the far-right cleric. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Inflammatory cleric, Mark Wahlberg. Best known for Ted.

Yes. And the other guys. I... So first of all, the pheromones allowed you to picture this. Yes. It's given you the... idea. Yes.

Secondly, the pheromone is also behind your assertion that you don't want to make a scene. That's my first... That's my first quibble. Happy to make a scene if that happens. But how are you doing that? Are you trying to leap up, go? He's got my dick. But I'd just be like this.

What the fuck are you doing? Because his hand will clearly... Yeah. You can see if someone's doing that. Across a table. Other people will see that he's doing that. Yeah, but what happens if everyone's on his side? Everyone keeps saying to you.

Pierre, let go. Let him. Let him. He's the father. Father, let him. It's why we invited him. It's Daddy Squeeze. Otherwise, there won't be a wedding.

Daddy Squeeze. Awful. It's a right, like prima nocta. Daddy squeeze. It's a bingo call. Daddy Squeeze 23s. Squeeze of the father. I'll call no father.

Is Daddy bringing his squeeze? Oh, yuck. Yeah, it's a horrible term, isn't it? Tabloid. Yeah, brought to the world's attention by his edges the church. Peter Stringfellow spotted with his squeeze. Yuck! Poured into his suit.

I think you could make a scene. If everyone else was on the side, then I guess you'd just have to be a good sport about it. I just don't think anyone would believe me. No, well, the pheromone would see to that. Yeah. Yeah, why would you say something about? Why would you say something so unkind? Yeah, why would you be so rude about when my dad did that to your balls?

That's what the stag was saying. Yes, yeah, yeah. When he rendered you eunuch. Why did you do that? When he ungendered you. Yes. I saw that to the... The Odyssey is around now.

Everyone's talking about Unix and... Have you... Have you... No. Good. I'm saving it for... We're saving it. We're saving it for Edinburgh.

We're going to watch it with Garrett Millareck. I cannot wait. But it's silly to be... Spoilers are online for this thousands-upon-thous-year-old epic poem. What I mean is, I've kept away from who's playing who. Oh. And I don't want to know how certain bits are done.

Oh. I don't want to know how they're doing skill and cribbedness and how they portray the sirens. I don't want to know any of that, because I want to see it. Okay. And I'm really struggling to avoid it all. What if the sirens are just like wrapping grannies? It's busted. Yeah.

And he's allowed himself to be chained to the mast. Let me near them. I want to be close to Charlie from Fightstar It'd be near these old twinks It's the guitarist from Son of Dork Let me do him Yes we're saving it up We're saving it up

We're not going to be lured by the sirens of spoilers No Carreptus will not suck us down Into the land of Wikipedia plot summaries On this one? Yuck Speaking of yuck Yes

Let's do some correspondence Dirty, grubby letters. Mail, letter, post, message, email, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, not non. And randoms. Correspondence. So, whackaging from Carla. Hello, Carla. Thank you for sending this in.

Dear glier slash piergel. Hang on. But your name's not glurgle. Wait, as a spoonerism happened. Gliae slash piurgle Piegle Is that Is that like

A Greek word or something? What? Carla clarifies Look a shoddy portmanteau Is the best I can do here Where do you find all these listeners With incredible wordplay? My ADHD meds ran out hours ago

And I simply don't have it in me Fair enough Okay Fair enough Glergle where's the Urgle come from? Glurgle your name Ergel Gle

How are we portmanteauing that? Your name is glugel mung. Do you what portmanteau short for? Go on. Natalie Portman's Gatto. You made that sound so Sunday sport. You've seen these pictures of Natalie Portman's fucking gatto. Her cake, yeah?

Really yucky. I'm really disgusted by what I've imagined you meant. Yeah. In Brassai where a voiceover from Simon Pegg going, I used to draw pictures of him in there, which is horrible. That always sticks in my head as a really unreasonable British complaint. I've enjoyed Pierre's deep distaste for cozy or kitch marketing, such as the reprehensible Chucky Woki-Woki-Wu-Doodah in Brighton.

I ordered a subscription box of cereal recently, which is a perfectly normal thing to do. When it arrived, I was alarmed by the... Loyal Kellogg subscriber. Yeah, yeah, yeah, first... Remember to like and subscribe to Cocoa Pops. Long-time... cruncher first time writer. I was alarmed by the aggressively quirky packaging.

One little bit of he-he where silly is offensive enough, but the scale of frippery at play here made me feel ill. Can I just say, Carla, how much I love what you've written there. The scale of frippery at play. Friper is a great word. At play. Okay, so it's some kind of cereal bowl thing. Okay.

Okay, so this thing has come with like a cereal bowl. Oh, I used to envy friends who'd have a football, half a football-shaped bowl that they'd obviously got from cutting out coupons. Yes. On ricicles or whatever. Yeah. Right in if you were the coupon kid because Glenn and I both envied coupon children

and what their coupons could buy them. And we just could never get our shit together and do it. The closest I had was I went to university with a Kit-Kat and a Yorkie mug. Oh, okay. Because they were as part of Easter eggs. And those followed me all the way through until just before Katie and I moved in together.

I was going to say, I remember one of these. Yeah. And I asked if I could keep them. And Katie said no. No. No, and we're getting a second towel. Tyranny. What's...

Tie to your room. Yeah, Jordan Peterson. Jordan Peterson. The Jordan Peterson mug. Stop using your goddamn Yorkie mug. You're a grown man. You shouldn't have... have a novelty chocolate bar mug.

Clean your mugs. There's tea patina on the inside of your cups. Oh, it's such a horrible tweet. Wipe your butts. I've saved on my phone. Horrible tweet. Jordan Peterson, replying to, I think, Elon Musk when he bought Twitter,

and he walked into Twitter HQ holding a sink. And he said, let that sink in, which was obviously like an old, old internet joke. Like a Tumblr. And it made no sense that Elon or Musk would you mean let that sink in? That I've bought Twitter. And Jordan Peterson replied with,

you, sir, are pretty damn funny. It's so, it's a shame. Even picturing the situation happening in real life makes you want to just release a grenade pin. But it shows you that the richest man in human history is the same as the person from that curry house who just went cold play. Yes, yes, yeah, yeah.

Just... I have a memory of a... growing jokes together that have no meaning. Yes. I have a memory of a grenade. A boy I went to school with, Alex. This is when I might have been like six years old, maybe seven years old. He went to a war museum while on a family holiday. So for show and tell, he brought in a grenade that he bought from like...

Oh. Yeah, yeah. But it was like hollowed out. Yeah. But he was explaining sort of how it worked. And the teacher, I, to this day, think the teacher thought it was a real grenade. because he was like, the way you'd do it is you'd pull the pin and she'd go, no, no, no, do.

It was so weird. It was like a dog with a stick of dynamite and a lighter. It was so weird. It was so weird. And he couldn't have been like, it's fully empty. It's fully empty. She was like, I think she just thought, but the outside can explode. Why risk it?

Yes, why risk it? Why risk it? How am I going to explain to the parents? The World War II grenade I let them went off during show and tell. Bring a grenade. But I... At the inquest...

I thought it was fake. I thought it was fake. Why would they let him have one? But I'd such a clear memory of my head of her going, just show it. God. Don't pull the pin, just show it. Just complete superstition.

Yeah. Again, I remember feeling tense. I remember being like... Yeah, seeing it in the room. Just because it's empty, you go, yeah, but I don't know what's meant to be in there. I don't know what the inside of a grenade looks like anyway. Yeah, how empty.

Yeah. That's true. So in this bold packaging. Sorry. Big cereal bowl. Yeah. Comes to the sort of golden spoon, it looks like. Oh, really nice.

Because of all the luck. Underneath the bowl, like, as you lifted out of the cardboard packaging, a picture of a dog, and it just says, please enjoy the surprise dog. I was like a cute see. Yeah, just as a, you know, zany. Written on the packaging next to the spoon, do not insert into nose.

It's occasionally on, like, it gives me headaches, this kind of thing. Occasionally on Instagram, it would be like, you just see something shows where he goes, Like, Tuesdays are pretty tough. So just imagine a duck trying to eat spaghetti. Boop. I really wanted to lash out at you then.

I really wanted to hit you. If you fucking Will Smith smacked me across the face. Give the duck's name on your mouth. Ow. Yeah. That is another one of your quite horrible impressions. Add that to your list. What, cutesy millennial.

Yeah. Yeah. Really disgusting, then. Yeah. Or just like... Tuesdays are pretty tough. That's always a sort of thing, isn't it? Utterly baseless assertion. Completely groundless.

Half two's not always easy, is it? What? What's your life? Yeah. Oh, that was a fucking... Last night was a real September audience. Okay. You just get these fucking Micklemus crowds. And it's just...

I was thinking the other day, a company very sensitively sending a reminder of, if you find St. Swithin's Day particularly difficult, you can unsubscribe. From our candlemas promotion. Look, it's not lamestide for everyone. Yeah. So, sorry for even saying, yeah. Be sensitive. I know it's well-meaning, but I think.

I do always, I react against, when I see those posts that just say things like, lunch isn't the best time of day for everyone. And I just want to go, what does that mean? What am I about to learn about now that will make me sad? Lunch isn't the best time of day for anything. What do you mean? But it's even worse when it's Tui. Yeah.

Tuesday on easy. So please imagine a duck trying to eat spaghetti. Yeah, or like a cartoon dog and it's got a sheet over its face with eye holes cut out for the dog. and it's like, spoopy Halloween doggie. I see saying these things. It's like an exorcism. They were in my body and now they're out. You were now they're in my body.

It's hurt people, hurt people. We just hear... I hurt people. Yes! I think the only time I should see these images you're describing, or these posts, is being held up as an exhibit at a sort of Nuremberg-style trial. And a really quirky,

a quirky tumbler-looking person is wearing those headphones. Yeah, yeah. Hearing the charges being read out. The thing is, because I'll occasionally, in a group we're in, with Katie and friend who should not be named, I will send you stuff in character as someone like that. It's really horrid. Because for a brief moment, it's like I see it being real in your face.

But also what happens is it fucks with your algorithm because you've got to look these things up. In the same way, I'll occasionally be, in the character of like a 65-year-old Derek, forwarded many times. Could do with a bloody laugh, something. And as a result, on YouTube, when I opened YouTube for the last few days, comic relief, Rowan Atkinson becomes a superhero in Spider Plant Man.

And I can't, I can't be watching a comic relief sketch. I can't. I can't. You've destroyed your algorithm. I've destroyed my own. A suicide bomber. Yeah, Kamikaze algorithm. A suicide bombed your own algorithm just to show us bad things.

But it actually puts me me. social video, it means, as I said, I post on and never scroll. I have followed accounts and liked accounts on Instagram that are like people doing paintings. And like saying, here's how you draw a tree. Yeah. To do that.

To deliberately flood my zone with just drawing and painting. Just get rid of the slob. Sometimes recommended stuff never makes sense. Spotify would do this with if you were trying to find, oh, let's put on like, let's listen to Diamonds a for a So you're talking about diamond, and then it's the first one that comes up.

But Spotify's next instinct is to go, we'll just play another diamond-based song after that, I reckon, because you seem to fucking love diamonds. You love diamonds. Don't you? You're Cruella Deville. Accidentally letting slip an interest to Grandma. Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds. Oh, I mentioned I like Star Wars once, and now...

Now I'm 58 years old, and I'm still getting a Darth Vader mug. To be fair, that's how fandom works now. Yes. That's who it's for. Yes, yeah, yeah. That's who it's bloody for me Also next to the bowl Yeah

Can also be used as a stylish hat He-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-Loh. In response to your latest gift bowl I took your advice and wore it as a hat And I've been chastised And thrown out of society and lost my job I'm on my last few pounds And I'm going to die

It's your fault, cereal I'm coming to your office What will you do now? I'm here. So on the instructions, bowl and spoon are safe for dishwashers, bathtubs and beds. Bowl and spoon are not safe for microwaves.

Okay. I understand a little spoon, don't go in microwave. If the bowl's not microwave safe, what the fuck have you made it from? You're metal. Tin. Tin. Tin.

Yeah. World War II, like, cup. Like white cup with blue rim. A ration tin. Yes, yeah, yeah. Yeah. There was, do you know what this, totally this reminds me of? It's, there's a desperation to it. And it reminds me of one of Katie's first jobs. And it was before she was a comedy writer, it was when she was working on production. And her and someone else, and I can't think, I can't remember my name, not that I would say it.

But, I don't think they work, they work in television anymore. But they'd have to do, like, research packs. So if it was, this isn't an example, but if it was a show, like, have I got news for you? Yeah. You'd be like, we need to send out a big research pack. about this story for the writers. And the writers need to get to grips with this latest story involving Andy Burnham or whatever. Here's all the summarised info.

Yes. But because it was for a comedy show, one of the assistant producers assumed you had to write these research packs out in a funny way. Exactly. But obviously they couldn't write jokes or anything about it. So everything I'd say would be like,

more jolly updates with Andy, but stuff like that. Well, you gave us not a joke, is it? But it's light. It's light. More good news from a bloody Ukraine. Typical. Yeah, yeah, yeah. More lovely stuff from Vladimir.

A certain Mr. Putin. Yeah. Brackets. Get him off. Dash Ed. Yuck. That's like a... What day you're going to hit me?

A panic. What day? Everyone's going to tune in. It's going to... A 14-minute episode of Budpot. And it's just... That ends with a really loud smack. Wet smacking.

I'm finished. I'm finished I've murdered you're on camera It's going to be like those fake AI They couldn't believe it in the studio When this happened Yes yeah yeah Nigel Farad punched someone on question time

Yeah Yeah I that's like someone panicked Panicked working at the opera house Just being like I've got to sing everything Yeah exactly No you don't have to it's all fine If we could buy You fire extinguishers

for all the dressing rooms Someone has shit in the lobby Um, Boldness been not safe for microwave washing machines or motorbikes It's desperation Or like The person writing this hasn't been chuckling as they wrote it

No They've gone what's silly What's silly Someone with a good sense of humour Has been forced by someone in charge With a bad sense of humour To try and do this Yeah

And it's been through 11 meetings Yes. To filter out any actual humour, anything really good about it has been squeezed like a lemon juicer. Just for more yummy, serially goodness brackets, which is the opposite of badness. It's that. It's that. This is like your ability to channel it.

My head tips back. He's not even speaking in his own voice. He's starting to grow a neck beard as he does it. Spaghetti! Hello! you've got that voice yeah and then your neck snaps backwards

and then it's oh how long was I out for yeah yeah yeah yeah you said some horrible you were in deep yeah you were deep under but we got some good stuff

yeah I know you can only do it once a day but can you please go back in back in for just half an hour please not three my head hurts your hair starts like falling out

and stuff yeah yeah it's like a cursed fantasy novel where it's like you're you've just I've got a kettle of shape like a watering cat, and I can't do this anymore. You've got like... You've got a forbidden channel.

Yeah. To do it like evil magic. Yeah, yeah. AM radio. I talk with static behind me like when you listen to Five Live. Yeah. But it's like you can channel it, but it hurts you to do so. Yeah.

It's like a forbidden power. Yes. Well, that's what we have time for. We hope... Thank you, Kogi, and thank you to anyone who has come and seen me and Glenn at the Fringe so far. None of them have. They've done it. You don't know.

I believe in them. What if no one has come? I believe in them. We're going to head over to the Patreon, which you can sign up for just £4.50 a month, so the price of like half a pint. And you get a whole extra episode from us every single week, plus once a month, an episode with Mr. George Four Acres from SNL. Yeah, that's right.

And the higher tier people will get to hear activity pods and watch along film pods. We're about to watch our latest movie today, which by the time you're listening to this is already out. We're watching Multiplicity, so it's our second Michael Keaton film. Yes. This time, it's a rom-com where he clones himself again and again and again. As it were. My parents were at the cinema, and I've been intrigued since I was seven. Let's see it.