BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E64 | Beard Driver

Episode Date: September 2, 2026

Youtube version hereThis week the buds discuss lucid dreams, Chuck Palahniuk, Art attack AI tat and Warhammer.This week's sketch: 'Father's Last Request'Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back! Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival - October 10, 2026 - Tickets available https://www.tickettailor.com/events/cheerfulearful/2230576Brighton Komedia - October 14th, 2026 - Tickets available - https://www.tickettailor.com/events/cheerfulearful/2378930Bath Komedia - November 3rd, 2026 - Tickets available https://komediabath.co.uk/events/128649554-budpod-live-2026-11-03-19-00-00/Vote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Attention Podbuds. We've got a double plug for you. If you missed my new show, okay, one more than bedtime at the Edinburgh fringe, then do not worry it is coming to London and it is in London from the 21st of September. So that's really soon. The 21st of September all the way to the 1st of October. And speaking of October, Budpod Live is on the 14th of October in Brighton. another Budpod Live to add to your list. So we have the 10th of October, that's London. Midday, Clapham, be there. This is the new one we're adding, 14th of October. That's in Brighton. South Coast, come on in from your little swim in the horrible cold sea and check us out. And then if you are in Bath, we will also climb into the Bath with you on the 3rd of November. So there are three Budpod lives scattered around the foot of England and hopefully we'll see you at all of them and if I don't see you at them I would love to see you at

Okay, one more than bedtime 21st of September to the 1st of October at Soho Theatre So that's soon, soon. It's Bud Pod 64. With Novelli and more. Very nice. Will you still bud me? Will you still pod me?

Yes. When I'm 64. Yeah. The TV live. listing for my TV guide listing every time they repeat my special on Sky, which you can watch whenever you want on demand on Sky TV or now TV because the show is called Willie Stonymy, Willisdolleemie, Glennon, 60 more. It is a nightmare whenever it's on in a TV guide because it will be like 7 p.m. will be a rerun of like my family or whatever? And it'll be like, in this episode, such a person does

whatever. And then it's like, Will you still need me, we still be Glennon 60 more. And then it will often just be like, Glenn Presents, repeat. Like, that's all the space they've taken, like, it takes up a whole space. No one knows what it is. No one knows what it is. It's fully unclear. Who's the song by originally? The Beatles. Is it? When I'm 64, Paul McCartney wrote it when he was 16 years old. And then it's one of the songs on Sergeant Pappas. So obviously he did that thing where I never really, I always thought it was like a Cliff Richard or something. It's got that kind of do do do do. Like it starts with a fucking like a clarinet or an oboe or something like that.

It's got that bloopy, bloopy aspect and it's that very wholesome. Let's imagine pensioners and, like, do. love, like kind of Cliff Richard thing. It's a non-th thing about Sgtin Peppers. It's fundamentally not a cool album when there's songs like that. No. Fixing a hole. Okay.

It's a John Lennon thing, quote. He said, Paul writes grandma music. Did he say that? He called one of Obladi Obladah. I think he called it Grandma music, which is very funny. Yeah, that is funny. His most famous quote, of course, is, we're taller than Jesus.

Yeah. We've gotten a lot of trouble for that. You were not. He is twice the man you are. No one is... Jesus was enormous. Yeah, no one can be taller than Jesus. Everyone was so excited whenever Jesus would come to visit

because it would be like Jurassic Park. They'd see their clay tumblers of water start to sort of shake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all the... Gigantor. Gigantor. That's why... And people would go, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, fuck. How's the weather up there? In heaven. My head is in heaven. My body is on the land. That's the metaphor. He didn't need to walk on water. He was so tall.

He could just wade through any body of water. Yeah, when he fed the masses of fish, it's because his hand went down really slowly into the sea. I like this version. Enormous Jesus. I'm being one over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The crucifix was the size of like the Eiffel Tower.

It's enormous. It's like something from Warhammer. Yeah, or it was like, it was like Gulliver being pinned down by the residents of Lilliput. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rope Jesus down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they put him inside Everest and he fit perfectly. And then he burst out of the mountain.

Godzilla type stuff. I forgive you, but don't do that again. And see you later. Jumps. Gigantor. Well, he just jumps. Off Everest into heaven. Bye.

Christ. Gone. No, he's up there somewhere. They say to this day you can still hear him. Hello. What? I think he meant echoes. No, no, no.

You can just hear him. Yeah, yeah. When he's lost on like Fortnite. Are you fucking idiot? I mean, from the clouds. Oh. But just when you do something wrong at the self-checkout, that was embarrassing.

Yeah. It just heckles you. being heckled by Christ throughout the day. Everybody saw that. No one saw that, but I did, and I can smell it. Oh. It's kind of what it is. Yeah.

I've made a terrible mistake on Instagram. No. I've let Instagram know that I like Warhammer. Oh, I think that's nice. Because the stuff you're now being served up isn't human. The worst bit about Instagram is the humans. Yeah. You know?

That is such a good point. So it's now full of toys. You're an owl's toy barn. You're in Toys R Us. You're in Smiths. Maybe it is better. Yeah. It is the humans, isn't it?

Exactly. It's like Garrett said about, Garrett Mellarick, a good friend, said about Facebook. He said, I don't hate Facebook. I don't hate Facebook. When it comes to Marmite, nobody hates the jar.

Oh, yeah, fuck. Yeah, absolutely. So, no, no, no. So what are you seeing on Instagram, then? What are you getting? You're right, it is the humans. I, although there is,

but there are something. and Warhammer humans are quite annoying. Oh, yeah, yeah. As I'm sure you can imagine. Yes. But they're saying interesting things, so I watch the whole thing. But I don't like their voice. Okay.

So it's quite an odd, it's quite conflicting. It's quite odd sometimes when you can hear someone's beard. You know, I was really struggling on a game called Sechero, which is from the makers of Dart Souls, an Eldon Ring. And I was really struggling, so I was a walk through I was following. And this guy, you never see his face, but all his videos started like, Greetings, Traveller. I'm going to show you how to defeat this boss now.

And I can hear the tendrils of beard. I can hear every individual strat. You want to parry this boss as quickly as you can. Look, if you're going to have a beard, it's your responsibility. As a dog owner. Yeah? As the driver of the car. As the driver of the beard.

As the beard pilot, yeah. To deal with the old tendrils. Yes. You've got to do some lip-chrims. You're representing the school. You're going to let the whole school down. Most of all, you're going to let me down. Yeah.

Yeah? You got to. You got to, because you can kind of hear the, as the air from your speech. In a tornado. Yeah. But it's quite an odd thing because I'm watching something where, like you say, with the walkthrough,

I'm watching a video where God help me. I do want to know what happened to Rogaldorn's body. Sure, okay. Or whatever. Like, it's so in depth. Which Warhammer you're into? You into like the space marines?

Or are you into the Medi... 40K more, yeah. That's okay. Yeah, the horrible space one. Right. And I just... I used to know all this stuff. So there's a kind of Proust's Madeline

kind of nostalgia aspect to it. I'm like, yes. Elder. That's what they were called. Because I've been away for so long. Well, I don't know about you, but I came back... Every time I've, like, looked with a passing interest. at Warhammer. And when I say passing interest, I mean,

I bought the Space Marines PS5 game a couple of years ago. Just to give it a go. And it made me realize how little of the law I took in when I was nine years old. I think in my head I was like, yeah, goodies, baddies. Coup, cow! And I just how...

But my painting was so shit. I painted them so badly. I did my best. I had one incredible space marine. One incredible... It wasn't a xenomorph. What have they called? A zenom... Space Hulk. Tyrannids.

Tyrannids, that was it. Yeah. My dad and I painted like one amazing one, but I gave another one a go, and it looked like how the Joker would desecrate someone's body in his image. White smile. And there was a complete, like, radioactive half-life of quality in each of the other ones I did.

As you got more and more bored. I was just literally dipping Marines head first into Air Fix paint. No. Like the lint guy. Oh. Wow. Because I just wanted to play the fucking game, you know. I feel like they should sell them five times the price fully made.

I played the game once. Right. But I painted them for years. Interesting. Is it like collecting Pokemon cards where a few people actually ever played the game? Well, I was obsessed with art and painting and drawing anyway. And models. So, like, I already liked the process of the painting.

And I would read the books and the codexes, the codices, over and over again. because they were so dense, they'd arrive like this. Yeah. And there'd be so much lore. Oh, I love the fucking magazines. They were so, they were so dead. A real booklet every few months ago. Yeah. That was great.

And just seeing the, the terrains that they had made that you yourself were never going to be able to make. Some guy, it was... For model village perfection. Worse than art attack. For unattainable standards. Yeah. Here's the standards.

Blue Peter at the bottom. They've tried to make that attainable. Yeah. Washing up liquid bottle. Lou roll Fair enough Yeah Sticky back plastic

Okay that's a pain in the hole to get But you know what we'll figure it out PVA glue Oh come on I've got a pritch tip Yeah Art attack Fuck off Yeah

It's simple Just get your big flat brush That's only for this Just the art version of Jamie's 15 minute meals Get your garlic mincer And reverse it So that it

No no no I don't have any of these His big art attacks Was so funny Because they were so pagan When you look back at it on the side of the hill. Like, if he left those,

thousands years ago, it would have been proof of God for so many people. Pictish. There's an enormous horse on the side of the hill has appeared. Made of chalk. Yeah. Standing next to that guy

with the club and the huge erection. This is an art attack. Like, he made, like, the angel of the north. And he's so clearly pointing just to the dick as well. Yeah, yeah. This is an art attack. And then the camera doesn't even, and cut back to him.

This is art attack. I really wanted to make a video years ago of a very sort of like Freudian slip-nil Buchanan showing you how to sort of make like a boat. But everything he's making is clearly just a cock and balls. But he's going, look at the sails. He's like working this horrible clay shaft, putting a vein and going,

and I'm making the sails nice and neat. It's a nice wooden boat. And he's just the dead. Completely at odds with what he's making. But Warhammer I played, I played once in a shop, whenever my sister had a piano lesson once a week, my mom would drag me around the shopping centre while we waited for that to happen. And a game's workshop had opened up, and I was just mesmerized.

I was pretty about eight years old. And a guy who worked there was really kindly like, how long have you got, do want to play a game? And again, on one of those amazing display tables they had, all the train in the countryside, and he so clearly let me win, which I didn't realize as a kid, I thought I'd just had this natural, like, and he was like... This is my sport. Yeah, and he was like, do you are so good.

and as a prize he gave me a space marine, like a fully painted space marine. Fuck, what? I think it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done. Wow. It was so, so kind of him. And it made me so, so happy. And from then, I was, like, so obsessed.

But I had such a... I think it's such a strange type of game, Warhammer. Yeah. In that you have to both enjoy the D&D aspect of enjoying those sort of games, but also the painting of it. I wouldn't play risk if I had to make all the pieces each time. Well, long before Warhammer was even a twinkle...

a twinkle in Nottingham's Eye. In the postman's dick, yeah. In the postman's dick. They were already the tabletop games where you enjoyed the painting and did the wargaming with dice for like the Napoleonic Wars for World War II. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's a long-standing thing. Well, I loved Airfix. My dad and I would do airfix all the time. And that was like a fun saturday we'd be making like a... So above my bed, I had like a spitfire. And on one side of my room was like a Concord and like a Harrier, like more modern-day ones.

But imagine doing all that painting and modelling. and then they're being able to fight them. I know, we had them hanging over my bed like it was sort of like a dog fight. A dog fight. But for some reason, we'd done like the Meishmits and stuff first. So it just looked like this wonderful red arrows display of German.

Wonderful German display of Nazism above my bed. Look at them all in perfect formation with no one battling against them. The only way you can sleep. Is imagining the Luftwaffe triumphant and the skies of Britain. So much so they're in our own rooms. In the boys' bedrooms.

Perfect, dreamless sleep. Never slept so peacefully in my life. I hated whenever Tolkin used to say, dreamless sleep. I'd be like, I want to dream. Do you? Yeah. Do you dream? Do you dream match will?

Everyone dreams, and people who say they don't, it's not true. You do every single person dreams. It's just because it is only about, the dreaming is only like 20 seconds, and it's a bunch of still images. It's just whether or not you remember it. I don't tend to remember my dreams. I only remember my dreams if I have the second sleep,

where you go, I slept for seven or eight hours. I woke up and I dozed off for another 15 minutes. That's the bit I'll remember. I'll remember the dream I had then. No, of course, yeah. But I mean, I think not remembering them counts as not dreaming. I know what you mean on a neurological level. But like Kirstama saying he doesn't dream,

I thought it was absolutely nonsense to say that. Why? Because I don't think it's medically possible. I know people who don't dream. But do we know they don't? Or they just, they don't think they dream. They, for some reason, forget all their dreams. It's like a part of being asleep.

No, I know, but that's, I'm saying that it is that they forget it. Because they enter the REM wave cycle. Yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah, sure. But the point is that from their perspective, which is all that matters when it's your own meaty little brain, they just go, and then they wake up. That's it.

I find it so strange. I'd love to be able to lose a dream. Yeah. And it takes a few days of work to do it. And over every year of my life have gone. I can't be fucked. I can't be fucked to give up four nights of my life to be able to do this amazing thing forever.

To have a superpower. To play a video game every night. To fly. Yeah, and to be fully in control. Yeah. I have had moments in dream. It happens quite a lot in dreams where when I realize him in the dream, everyone turns to me in shock and a sort of,

like, the life has been caught naked and when I wake up. It's real horrible, like, oh, fuck, it's been discovered, like, metal case solid, bing! It's horrible. It's so disgusting. But they've realized that. Everyone in the dream has realized the facades slipped. It's like...

Oh no. Get him out, get him out. Inception? Yeah. Well, they all start staring at you because they can smell... Yeah, and I'll wake on a plane next to Leonardo DiCaprio or whatever. Yeah. They can smell that you're not a dream person. Yeah.

In inception and they kind of look angrily at you and they creeps them out. That's horrible. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Is this a funny idea? Like, uh, uh, ethics selling models for kids to paint and hang above their bed. But it's like Marilyn Monroe.

Heidi Klum, like a grey plastic Heidi Klum that you have to like build and glue. Really carefully blow. But the boxer is they're flying through the sky. Yeah, with their arms up. Like this. One arm's on fire.

And it's like, in the foreground as a German soldier, like doing soy face. They're shnell! Like that. Yeah, and there's someone bailing out of her bum. Yeah, it's like the Memphis Bell that they go like, it's for Heidi Klum and it's blown over. It's Klum!

That is Klum! Achdong Klum! I guess she isn't American. She's a traitor. She's German? Yeah. Traitor. She'd be Heidi Kloom above a flaming parliament.

Yes, yeah. It's the guys of London, searchlights. She's dropping bombs out of her mouth. Yeah. And then you spend ages building and painting your Kloom. To hang like the Tyburn jig. Oh, no. A slightly bent head.

Like something from seven. Yeah. And that glue's melted the plastic. No, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's got their arms out like they're flying and the, the wires in their back like they're flying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, um, uh, sort of um, um, um, uh, sort of an am gram, Peter Pam. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Otherwise, it's too much like something from seven. if it's from like the center of their head or something.

A doll graveyard in your room. You just feel like, well, you're a witch, you're a fucking witch. I went into your room and there were a bunch of dolls hanging from the ceiling. You're a fucking witch. Yeah, I'd... He loves painting his models. Yeah. Yeah, why can't you just have people?

Because, you know, people love to having action figures and stuff. So you should have to be able to have action figures of just... The new Airfix, UN Secretary-General's. Yes, yeah, yeah. Boutros, Boutros, Ghali and Anne. Yeah. Yeah. They're all, it's all like, it's rated 12 plus.

It's a very complex model to make. You're like having to glue Kofi and Ann's beard on. Like, it's so many sprues. It's so hard. Yeah. But it's got like a reversible jacket for when it's the weekend or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Barbie and Ken sort of thing.

Yeah, yeah. And there's loads of Instagram painting guides on how to really nail Kofi. And it's like, okay, today we're going to be painting Kofi and then towards the end of his career. So we're going to need chalk white for his beard. And just a very... And the video always ends of the model

silently rotating slowly. Wow. Did you ever get adverts when you were growing up for stuff like models? It was weird that like, like, adverts went on for like 20 seconds, 30 seconds. But occasionally you get an advert for like a collectible, like a model. And it would, for some reason, it would take up the whole ad break. They'd get three minutes to advertise it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like sometimes you get like a three-minute advert for a pen. It would be a presentation. Yeah, or three-minute advert for a collection of like Motown, the collection. and it was like 12 CDs in one. And the advert would have gone for four minutes, and you're like, have I changed channel? Yeah. What's this?

We'd be advertising a pen, and to advertise how strong the pen was, it would always show a pen being thrown at a dartboard. Oh, really? Yeah, and you go, why is that the... I don't remember that. Why is that the criteria using? But sometimes it would be like, this amazing Napoleonic ship, and it would just start rotating on a podium for ages.

It would... HMS victory. Nelson's flagship, the Battle of Rofalga. Yes. But it would be this magazine. where you got one bit each week. Yes, I read an article about those ones, but for the most part, there were scams,

and so many of those would never see it through to the end. No. So you get 13 parts in, and the final two magazines wouldn't come out. Or even, like, 13 of like 200. You'd be like, when I've got the steering wheel, Nelson's hat. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. A plank. Yeah, you go, yeah, the next piece I can click in is in three weeks' time.

So, Peter Seraphano, which is Elephants and Trains magazine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's that, yeah. I never made those. I wanted to, but I'm also aware that they would have cost nine pounds. Edition two would have cost nine pounds. I just remember, you get to free Parker pen just for calling in. What's that?

For, like, funeral payment plans or insurance or some, you're going to die soon. Right, okay. You get to free Parker pen just for calling in. I just need a pen. It's just for, I've done what I need. No one's dying in my life. Yeah, it was either, it wasn't like Michael Winner, but it was someone of that vintage. Being like, I'm old now, and so are you.

Always Michael Parkinson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was Parkinson, free Parker Pen just for calling in, I think. Yeah. Carriage clock if you buy the policy. Maybe that's a, uh, was that a sign like the ring? If you received a Parker Pen, it means he days are numbered. Yeah.

So, yeah. Like, um, a Steve Martin S joke. First, they told me the good news. I was going to receive a free Parker pen. I think, um, oh, man, I, that, like, I think that is the ranking of difficulty. Blue Peter EEC, art attack, come on. The Warhammer stuff.

You'll see this footage. You couldn't, you couldn't buy, to rain for a hammer, could you? You could, but it was really expensive, and it was easier to make. What you had to buy was something that I can still remember was called flock. Right. Flock was that kind of fluffy green dust that you would sprinkle on the basis to look like grass. Yes.

So you could get green flock, dark green flock, desert flock. Fuck. Like snow, white flock for snow. Oh, my God. I don't want to just stick to every surface. If you'd glued, yeah. Oh, man. No, all I had, I had Space Hulk, the

board go. So that was great because it was just cardboard pieces that looked like the interior of a spaceship. All you need. But some people online and I remember in White Dwarf magazine and they'd report every year on the Golden Demon Prize for the different best like dioramas.

They were like dioramas people would make of like famous scenes from the stories. Wow. And they'd be mind-blowing like horrifying in their detail. Yeah. And they'd be show on Instagram now people are like, here's how I made and they'll show you a picture and it'll be like a Warhammer 40K

evil bombed out citadel like it looks like Gowdy's Cathedral like an evil space version and they'll be like and I made it from cardboard and old spruce like the things that hold the bits that you use together waste spruce and you'll be like no you do no and you'll watch them do it in fast forward

and it's just like watching an unattainable magic trick but this is how I felt about the fucking beef bubble the bubble show last week oh yes was that your sausage bubbles But I was like, what is he using? I cannot do that shit. What kind of illegal soap?

Well, I said to Katie, because he was like, afterwards he was like, there was an opportunity to meet him afterwards after the show. And he was like, and also you can buy some of the stuff I use to make the bubbles. And as a joke I said to Kate, I was like, we've already got very liquid, so it's fine. Like, he's just selling us secondhand fairy liquid. But it was like, it's just so much more impressive than whatever the hell we can do. It's some special soap that gives those bubbles like a skin. like as thick as chicken skin.

Skin is exactly it. They were like a water bomb. Yeah. So still fragile, but he could do, he could do kick-ups, keep you up, peas with a bubble. You can kind of poke a thumb in them and they don't pop.

He was sending bubbles into bubbles. So he would be like, pregnant bubble. This is some other kind of fucking soap, man. I think it was, yeah, it was probably like asbestos or something like that. Everyone's all going to die in 10 years. It's like the soap from Fight Club.

It's made from human fat. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I watched a bubble show, but it was made entirely out of meatloaf's tits. The real moment there where I forgot meatloaf was in the film. And I was like, what are completely out of pocket? Just a real dig at meatloaf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For having tits.

They don't suck his tits out, though. No, no, no, no. No. They steal, they do. But it's about fat. They steal fat from hospitals. They steal fat from medical waste bins. It's such an unpleasant film.

I really don't like when he's brushing his teeth with a bad, like, fucked up toothbrush in dirty water from a broken sink. That's your least favorite bit. My least favorite bit is when he's examining one of the burnt-out cars as part of his job. The film is so constantly like, it's quite Javasque. Is that gross to you? Do you hate this? Is that horrible?

It's like, yes, it's a horrible film. Everything's horrible. I think that's what I bounce off a bit of Chuck Paul-Oenick stuff. See, the thing is, I love his books. I absolutely love his books. Really? Yeah. Sometimes the books are a bit, well, if this was yucky. Well, yeah, the, um, the, uh, the, the, the water, the swimming pool one is, like, the prime example.

It's the one that, like, teenage boys in sixth forms tell each other about bits of Chuck Paul on X books and no one reads fiction. Yes. It's such a weird thing that, like, there's this crazy bit in a book I've heard about. Do you read books? No. Would you read this book? No. Anyway, let's do this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's one called, um, uh, oh, God. It's called like Evictus or something like that. Yeah. Terminus or something about. And it's about somebody who works at a police station, and it involves, um, uh, uh, use, child, like demonstration dolls that you'd use for like CPR and stuff. Yeah. It's, I'm not going to go into details. So it's absolutely vile. Apparently he does readings and people like faint and stuff.

Of that, or for swimming pool one. Yeah. It was a thing because he, I think he, because isn't the idea that, um, because the boy's trapped underwater, it's, the idea is you're meant to hold your breath for the length of the short story. that's like the idea. So when he said people fainted, I think it's partly because like, well, obviously it's very grim. I think people are just trying to hold their breath.

Right. Because I do this in, do you do this in films. People, people really jump during my frightening short story where I let off a flashbang at the end. Absolutely. You fucking cheetah. Yeah, how dare you? I, do you do this,

I have a compulsion to do this in any action movie or anything like that when a character goes underwater and has to hold their breath. I do it for the exact same amount of time. I've seen this online. I've never, I started wanting to do it more once I read about it. When I drive through it, a tunnel, always have to do it. To a point where case you asked me a question and be like,

are you holding your breath? Is that where you nearly died on the Eurostar? Yeah. Or about that traffic jam just outside. No! I got out of the car. To walk to the other tunnel. Daylight.

Every traffic jam in the UK in a tunnel is just filled with cars with purple corpses at the wheel. Yeah, people try to do it. Like in a zombie film. a joke on stage about it how, like, my, yeah, I used to do it with my granddad and eventually his cause of death was finding Nemo. But, like, it's... I remember that joke.

But I can't stop... I still, to this day, can't stop doing it. And it must be a real insecure thing as a challenge of, like, I'm better than Tom Cruise, actually, because I managed... I'll do it. Yeah. I'll do. Because I don't know if you found this. People in films drown too quickly. Yes.

They struggle for maybe 10 seconds. And then they go... Because you can't show someone struggling for two minutes, because it'd be boring. It's a death you have to fast forward. Or horrifying. Yeah. Same with strangles. Strangles or people, like, can you break someone's neck that quickly? Are we all at danger of, if we turn our heads too quickly, we die?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that how fragile life is? That's why you're afraid of balloons popping. Because you're dead. I'll say something about that in the Patreon. Okay, the next thing. All right. I don't do the breath-holding thing.

You should do it for everything. When Tom Cruise is on top of the Beurzal Khalifa, you have to leave all the windows open. Yeah, yeah. So it's all windy. Yeah, nice, nice. And you have to stand on your coffee table. Yeah.

If a character doesn't go to the loo in a film, then I'm also not allowed to. Because I'm like, well, they've managed to. Jack and Rose didn't. And they were, not in fact, they're surrounded by water, which makes you want to wait. They're at sea for days. Yeah, they really wanted to.

They really wanted to. And that becomes like a really popular thing for people to do. So then the most popular films are ones. where the characters go for a P for about 10 minutes. Yes, yeah, yeah. Halfway through. A little intermission. Yeah.

I hate going to the Lue during a film. I just, I'm so certain that when I do I'll miss something vital. And I then regret when I didn't go earlier. I'm like, if I'd gone then, I would have missed this talking scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I time myself, I do time myself if I need to leave the cinema to go to the bathroom. Yeah. Because I go.

Well, you have all those records. Well, I feel quite relaxed. when I'm on the way back in and it says, oh, okay, you've been out of the room for 90 seconds. You go, come on, if it's a two-hour film, what could I have possibly missed? Yeah, but I've been that with my wife or friends and they've gone like really quick piss

and it's in that exact moment that Matthew McConae has said something absolutely crucial. Yes. You just think, oh. With the timing as well, I always forget to stop the timer and I always find it very funny when you accidentally, you check your stopwatch app weeks later.

And it's on like 20,000, seconds, and it feels like the guy who stayed on the ship in Interstellar, who's like, you've been gone for years. I'm like, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you go to hyper sleep? Yeah, you said you were going for a week. You left me on for weeks. I had work to do.

I've been counting for ages. I didn't think you were ever coming back. You know, I have to count manually. From the toilet. It's not automatic. I do this manually. It's really hard. 700,000.

$700,000. Yeah. So you do a little song. It takes Glenn to piss. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. We need to go see the Odyssey. We need to sort it out. The Odyssey.

Yeah. I've seen memes online now about it. Too many memes. Too many memes. I obviously like, obviously, they're aren't spoilers because I have a story like the back of my hand. Yeah. Did you ever read The Odyssey? Did you read, you read the Iliad?

No. Have you read the Aeneid? No. Aeneid's great. I know bits of it, but I've never sat down and read it. The Aeneid is so... The Aeneid has such a cheesy thing if it happened in a 90s action movie,

but is amazing for it happening in the Aeneid, which is during, like, the Seed of Troy, a guy rushes into the room full of soldiers, and he's like, we did it, guys, we fucking did it, and he realizes he's walked into a room full of the opposition. And so they just... No! It's great! And you go, what an amazing trope?

That seems like a crap 90s trope, or early 2000s trope, but was actually a brilliant thing. thousands of years ago. Fuck. Yeah. That's mad. Yeah, it's really mad.

It's such a weird bit of an old story. That's so strange to include. Yeah. It must have happened. Someone must have done at some point, yeah. Me, because I'm fucking colorblind. Oh, yeah. I would 100% walk into the wrong room.

Also, they're all just tents that look the same. Yeah. That's a tent full of guys with bronze chest plates and big beards laughing. Who could it be? Yeah, exactly. Those are probably my commanders. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you'd feel like such a dick.

Daniel Yes, father My firstborn Come Come just a little closer to your old man Of course father It has been a pleasure Raising you all these decades

I love you dad I have one request for you Daniel Of course anything Just say the word For your old man You see that trumpet The foot of my bed Yeah

I would love to hear you Play the trumpet one first time I don't play the trumpet yes for the first time ever you're sure you want me okay are you sure about this?

it's perfect it's perfect that's perfect that's it Keep going. That's it. That's really shit. Keep going. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yes. Yeah. Well, let's do some correspondents. Okay. Letter, post, message, email, notes, text, dispatches,

SMS, and randoms. Hello. I can never remember the actual... Shabodee be... Minutes. I can never remember the number. 500, 25,600.

There we go. Thank you. Okay. I need to remember that. Dead in a year. That's how many people die in a year. Oh. Yeah.

Ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what Rent's about. Just stats. Yeah, yeah. The death's in the actual film are dropping the ocean stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like one death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic. That's from Rent. Rent has my favorite example of why you shouldn't show the art in a film. Because it's about a guy trying to write the best song ever. And then at the end, they actually show the song.

And you go, no, no, no, no, no. And it's like the worst song in the whole show. Never. Ever do that. Like in, again, something I've... Never show the monster. Something I've seen online about The Odyssey, the sirens, you... As soon as the wax goes into Matt Damon's ears, the sound gets muffled.

Great. That's good. That's correct, yeah. Because otherwise it's just... La la la la la. ...to the lions are... The sirens are just English twinks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We said this previously that they're busted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the Greeks would find that very... Ancient Greeks would be like, this, these guys. Yeah, what if it was like really European pop? And that's... And that's... My...

My... Mio. Mio. No ma no ma'i. Noma, no ma'an, no ma'i. It was just sandstorm by Rood. Dharoud. Yeah, he's screaming tied to the mast while he watches everyone else, like...

Yeah, big fish, little fish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dear Plen and Gier. Like it. Sure. Close to Blen is Plen. Mm-hmm. Please find some enclosed singable slop from Bristol.

So it's a very AI-made poster. Okay. I'm not quite sure who it's direct to that. I think it's directed at staff. Oh, no. Every discount you make will be watching you. So it's supposed to be like the... Every move you...

But discount... Every discount you make. Yucky, yucky, yucky. I've got mucking... tummy. Every pint you pour, every freebie score, every mate's rate call, every tab too small, will be watching you. Right, so I say don't screw up. Well, no, just don't give your mates free beer. Yeah, okay. Right? Like, don't steal. Yeah. Every button pressed, every till request, every staff ale poured, every drink ignored, will be watching you. That's quite, that's quite elegant, that last

bit. Yeah. Every oops you claim, every missing name, every one's on me, every mystery will be watching you, we get the fucking point. There's six more of these. Yuck, just don't... You flashed that to me, that is AI as hell. It's so AI. Just have a serious message. If it's to staff, have a serious message.

You wouldn't have a series of poems about how you need to not get corrosives on your hand. Yeah. Yeah, it should just be in your interests. Yeah, every acid you pour, every evaporated floor will be suing you. Like, it's absolute nonsense to do that. I just saw a weird one.

In Pratt, where I came up with the excellent, fantastic, well-beating bit about a Pratt nappy, that they had a sign on the wall. People are still studying that bit. Yeah, they've got a picture of like a vegetable oner. It says, this is rubbish. Yeah. And it's like a message to the thing, and it's something about like, we don't let our food go to, but we don't let it go to waste.

Yeah. We give our food to the hungry in the evening. They're not one of those brands that callously just bins everything, refuses to let anyone have access to it. But they're like, but what do we do about our plastics? And the stuff that we throw away, I end up in the sea. Time is running out,

and we need to do better. And it's, sorry, why are you telling me this? Sorry, do I work in the Pratt's sustainability department? This is an internal memo. I don't need to know that. This is for your intranet.

I don't need to know. Don't get on a poster or I can see it. A huge poster at Pratt. Saying, we need to do better. A huge poster at Pratt just saying, in the next financial quarter, we aim to replace almost all of our automated, role-based toasting devices.

This is everyone. Okay. Yeah. Cool. And it's Jen's birthday when anyone like to raise any money. What? What do you mean?

Leave me alone. This doesn't make any sense this bit. Every pint you save keeps the business brave. They've run out. That's the last one. They've shat themselves there, haven't they? Oh, no, no, it does make sense.

If we point you save, so that's in saved from giving to a friend. So we've retained that pint. But why brave? It's not brave to be a pub? Yeah. Coward. Cowered.

Every pint you save keeps the business brave, gibberish. Serve with pride to be true. and we'll all toast you. Oh, bad meter. Really, really shit. Keep the profits here to stay. Oh, can't you see, the GP belongs to me.

What's the GP? Do we mean like... General price? Yeah, do we mean the pound? And they forgot the B. How my... Oh, the GB. Oh, yeah, maybe. The P, sorry, yeah.

Do they think... It's great pound. Oh, great pound. The great pound. The great pound. Yeah, yeah. The great pound for our mom. How my margins ache with every discount you make. Oh, discount!

It's so gross to me to have a business post, have a post that say, don't steal, because I want you to feel sympathy for my profit margins. That's such a fucking wrong-headed... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't steal because it's wrong. It's bad, it's moral and stuff. It's affecting my bonus.

Like, margins, mentioning margins, ah, this is real shit. this is real keep the profits here to stay also we won't give you any of them weirdest thing is this is a this is a W.O. Smith's. They don't even serve this stuff. The bottom of the post that just says a massive letter's, don't take the piss. Great. Brilliant. That's all you needed. Passive aggressive all the way through to aggressive aggressive, really impressive.

You can't be twee and sing a song and men get angry at the end because that's when, that's how nursery rhymes happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You crack your fucking head. If you go to the well. Be sure to polish your shoes today, or I'll kill your nan. Yeah, yeah. Wendell, the Lane grow Grindylus, will kill your grandmother if you don't polish your boots. Little Peter Pfeiffer had some heartiest boots in all of Bergen. But he had such a big bottom of wolf ate it.

And he's dead? And they turned his mother inside out. Yeah. So think about that. And he lost all the cinnamon. be something weird that doesn't make sense anymore. That should have been what Bilbo's story was like and he's at the party telling kids.

That's shit. He said he has to be a kid's entertainer at his own birthday. Yeah, and he's... And the son came up. And it caused all the trolls to prolapse. And their guts started to spew from their asses. But he's like their version of a war veteran, right? That's him telling them about D-Day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's from the Hobbit. Yeah, no, it's beginning of Lord of the Rings's fellowship with the ring. No, but he's telling them. about the Hobbit. He's talking about the story of a Hobbit. Yeah, yeah. There's a bit where someone has a fire,

or it's where like the, where the hobbits make their... I was just a much, it was nice, crispy bacon. It's somewhere like that, you can see the stone trolls around them. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah. Rachel gets in touch. Hi, Rachel. Glenn's dream joke from Rachel.

Here comes the ice cream, The Witch. It's even better. Oh, it's because someone stopped me on the street and... No. told me about that the other day. What did they do? They said, they were like, they didn't know I was doing a show

because I, you know, I made it quite clear not to advertise my work in progress just sort of key. And now I'm very, I'm very proud of it and I wish I'd advertised it more. But the show was sold out, so it's fine. But it's like, oh, there's a bit, they were asking how it was going.

And I just had a nice chat with him on the street. And I was like, yeah, there's a bit. I can't really sort of make work. And they were like, is it here comes the ice cream the way. It's like, yeah, yeah, it's that bit. It's so mad. love, I still think about that. Hello, four times Glentz equals

Pierrimeter of a square. Oh, that's clever. Very nice. You do get a sense of people's education or occupations based on these sometimes. Whether it's historical, mathematical. Yeah, medical. Yes.

Just administrative, yeah. Yeah. I woke up laughing at a joke, in quotes, told by Glenn in my dream. Yes, this has happened before. Has it? This has happened before someone got in touch because they told me a joke

because there were loads of old people whizzing around on... Yes, that's right. Yeah, and I was like really angry at them in the dream or something. It was really strange. Loads of old people were going into a restaurant or something. And whizzing around on scooters or in a car or something. Yeah, I'm so sorry if half remembered it, but so did you because it was a dream.

Of course. Right, let's hear this from Rachel. I woke up laughing at a joke told by Glenn in my dream, so I feel I need to return it to him. Since you discussed Afantasia a little while back, which is when people don't have mental images, which still... Your agent.

My agent? Your agent, Julian, yeah. Yeah. I thought you might be interested to know that this dream was audio only. Hey, okay, interesting. The lives of others. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you were listening in on someone else's conversation.

Someone else's dream. I do not have Afentasia, but I'm certainly on the week end of the week end of the visual imagination spectrum. Ladies and gentlemen, the weak end. The weak end. Pointing at his own dick. That's like something I'd say in Sin City. I removed his week end. You can't even lift that cannon.

That's in my head forever. The yellow bastard saying it to the main... What's his face? Mickey Rock, isn't it? Yeah. You can't even lift that cannon. Calling a gun a cannon is so good. So, my thoughts are all in words. And when I read a book,

there are no accompanying mental images. Okay. I can visualize things, but it takes a lot of effort. And I have to squint my brain to see anything. Or like that term. I know exactly what you mean. Feel the creases. Trying to add some extra wrinkles to your mind.

To be as non-smooth brain as possible. Trying to smush it all up. Yeah, that's really good. On the other hand, my husband has full cinematic productions going on in his head. It's interesting how everyone's brains are so different. Yes, I'm much more like your husband. Anyway, here is Glenn's joke returned to its rightful owner.

Great. What if it's like a Muslim walks into a... Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't dream me saying that. Stop dreaming about me. Stop! Yeah. So this is you on stage.

Okay, right. My son... I quite like this. My son has an activity book with those boxes where kids can... fill out things about themselves. Okay. One box says, things you like to do in winter.

The other box says, things you like to do in hot. Is that it? I like it. What's the reveal? Hot. Because we're expecting summer. Yeah. I guess you could say, like, it makes sense if I was describing, like, I got

this, I bought something I didn't think was AI generated. I mean, I opened it up. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you know what? Because we're still at the fringe. Yeah. I'm going to record myself.

Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. I'll say that on stage. Send me that. I'll say it on. I'll record it. And we'll put it in one of our episodes. See if we can make it work.

Yeah. I'll see if I can make that work. Okay. I'm going to text it to you right now. Live. And if even a sympathy chuckle, even a one sympathy chuckle, we'll count as it worked.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. More than counting. Plenty of people up here would give their right arm for a sympathy chuckle. I'm excited. One box says things you like to do in winter. The other box says things you like to do in hot. I think if you say hot with enough kind of like derision in your voice. Yeah, absolutely.

That will work. I need to add a bit more. I need to add an AI twist to it. Yes, yeah, of course, of course. Yeah, but I'll do that. I think that's good. I quite like it as well. What's your favorite season?

Winter or hot? Yeah, yeah. You can say those are the seasons these days. winter or hot. We don't have seasons anymore. That's one with comedians. I'm not putting any effort this year. They're just using member of the public's dreams, aren't they?

You can just tell when it's a member of the public's dreams. Yeah, he was eligible for the award, but he got disqualified for using other people's dreams. What? Yeah, so other people would dream his jokes for him, and then he would use them. So not write them? No, he doesn't have writers. He has dreamers. They're all hooked up with it.

Yeah, minority report. I can die another day. His sleep chamber. He's just got a bunch of North Koreans who now look white who's got gems in their face. Have you met Glenn's writer? He's a weird guy.

He says he's from North Korea, but he seems white. He's got all diamonds all embedded in his face. Is he like a character? No, it's not a character comedian, genuinely. He's a North Korean defector. He doesn't go on stage.

He's just a writer, he's one of them. He streams them up, yeah. Yeah. He puts himself in one of those team you read masks you get advertised if you're a lady on social media. Do your dream. I don't even sleep.

Not sure what it means or why I thought it was funny, but thanks for humoring me, Kodi, Rachel. Rachel, I think it's going to work. It's going to work. It's got legs. I mean, I cannot just enough. I don't mean this is the joke because, I don't mean it's in the same way of a joke. I wouldn't open with it.

I have a designated bit at the end of my show that's listed as miscellaneous. Yeah. And it's bits that are either, I have a three strikes in your out policy, very the bits that haven't worked twice, and I'm giving them one last run out, or it's bits where I came up with it

that morning or the evening before, and it's a half idea and I'm just saying it. So I'll say it's part of my miscellaneous ones. Yeah. Rattle through those. I think that's going to work. Yeah. How exciting.

How exciting. How exciting. I'll never need to write another joke again. I have all your dreams. Yeah. I'm a sand man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got the funniest dream catcher above my bed.

It's got chattering false teeth getting stuck in it every night. A dream, groucho marks. A whoopie cushions. Yeah, yeah. I hope I dream up some. funnies rubbing your hands together as you go to sleep

with your little nightcap on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it, I like it. Cutting your finger and dropping a little bit of blood onto a Groucho mask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really, like, a bit pagan,

a bit horrible. Yeah, I sleep in a big circle of salt, but I still get the jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big circle of 1980s cocaine. Yes. If you want to do more energetic American-style jokes. Oh, I'd love that.

I'd love that. Talk about Reagan. Oh, yeah. big black leather jacket over a shirt. Really disgusting look. Really clocks and really horrible. Oh, it's really, yeah. So many of them as well like that.

Yeah, somebody dances with their fists clenched. Trump. Well, that's all the time we have. We will update you next week or as soon as we can with the results of the experiment. Yes, because if I don't remember to do it in my own work and progress, I'll force myself to do it at like a weekend club.

Yeah, in front of the baying mob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, Koji. Koji.