BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E65 | Nappy Martyrs Brigade

Episode Date: September 9, 2026

Youtube Version HereThis week the buds discuss old pets, sleeper cells, 'Pig Louie', Hell People and The Odyssey.This week's sketch: 'Secret Ingredient'.Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back!Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival - October 10, 2026 - Tickets available https://www.tickettailor.com/events/cheerfulearful/2230576Brighton Komedia - October 14th, 2026 - Tickets available - https://www.tickettailor.com/events/cheerfulearful/2378930Bath Komedia - November 3rd, 2026 - Tickets available https://komediabath.co.uk/events/128649554-budpod-live-2026-11-03-19-00-00/Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVVote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Attention Podbuds. We've got a double plug for you. If you missed my new show, okay, one more than bedtime at the Edinburgh fringe, then do not worry it is coming to London and it is in London from the 21st of September. So that's really soon. The 21st of September all the way to the 1st of October. And speaking of October, Budpod Live is on the 14th of October in Brighton. another Budpod Live to add to your list. So we have the 10th of October, that's London. Midday, Clapham, be there. This is the new one we're adding, 14th of October. That's in Brighton. South Coast, come on in from your little swim in the horrible cold sea and check us out. And then if you are in Bath, we will also climb into the Bath with you on the 3rd of November. So there are three Budpod lives scattered around the foot of England. And hopefully we'll see you at all of them. And if I don't see you at them, I would love to see you at OK, one more than bedtime, 21st of September to the 1st of October at Soho Theatre.

So that's soon, soon, soon. It's Budpod 65. 65. We hope you're supple and live. Hmm. We do. Do you like to imagine our listeners wriggling? No, it actually

It makes me feel a bit insane If I You know how like when you're eating You don't like to be perceived Yes Yeah, I am horrified When someone mentions something that we spoke about

Because this is secret Because it's like someone telling me About a shower I had Exactly Because there's no audience in front of us I can't fathom the idea And I end up Dive holding a lot more information

than I wish I I wish I hadn't. Oh, no. No, no, there's nothing extreme. And this is all a character. I'm not like this at all in real life. Yeah, it's all a character. I'm like Lorraine Kelly.

Yeah, or Stuart Lee. Yeah. We're all characters, baby. Yeah, it's when someone says, oh, I remember you said this and this, and you think, who told you this? Yeah, a bit like Paul Mescal was obviously extremely naked in normal people in lockdown.

Yeah. And he said he got chatting to a girl outside like a bar once. and she just went, I've got a picture of your Willie. And she just showed him a picture of his Willie, and he was like, fuck off. He was like, how dare you? How dare you?

I've got a picture of your... Yeah, absolutely. Insane, predatory thing to say to someone. Fucking hell. Yeah. Sort of thing you'd hear whispered from the shadows of an abandoned factory. What horror film is this?

It would be a good one. The pictures of your Willie. What? Who's there? No, you don't. I don't think I've ever heard that word said in a threatening content. No, I have. Human Centipede, too.

The word, the word Willie has said, yeah. Really? Yeah. I'm not going to save a sentence. It is like pound for pound, word for word. Like someone paying by the letter in a newspaper letter section. Yeah, yeah, yeah, trying to propose to their partner. It is like letter for letter, the most upsetting sentence you could try to compile.

Okay. It's like someone's playing cards against human. but could choose any words they wanted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one ever... Yeah, is there a market for that? A version of Cards Against Humanity that is actually horrible?

Yeah, it doesn't have any prepositions or anything like that. It's just, it's ups or nouns. Piss, the devil. Torture, ass. Yeah, I can't really... It's just a Ouija board. She comes out as like this horrible poem. Or a really weird, like,

what three words. Hi, I'm lost. It's like a vomit ass play. He said what? Vomit ass play. That's exactly where I'm there. It's by the McDonald's on the A1. Speaking of wretched.

Yeah. I encountered some wretched behavior on a train a couple of weeks ago that I think would really upset you. Okay. So I'm in a quiet carriage of a train. Yeah. My least favorite place. table for four to myself, and I opened up a can of Diet Coke, and it opened as loudly as when

you're trying to quietly open a can in a theatre. You know, it's got a different volume in the theatre, but for some reason it goes, it's like a gunshot in the woods. Yeah, opening a can of Coke and suddenly a load of deer on stage, just sit and just look bolt upright. Cows in the fields next to the train starts. Yeah, I'll have a can of twigsnapping. And it was so loud, it was really, really strange. But I got from the table of four on the other side of the aisle where one person was sat, like, my God. And I looked over to see that they were sat, like, facing me, back up against the window.

Yeah. Feet up on the seats. No. Bare feet up on the seats. And I thought, how dare you touch? Fucking out. Yeah. That's really fucking.

Bare toes facing me. And a little bit of there you know. those toes we're going to get a visit from the sucky monster I would pay you so much money to have said that at the time you know the sucky monsters on this train right yeah yeah pretty brave of you yeah when there's a sucky monster

bare toes then I'm only drinking this diet coat to cool down after seeing those little pigies that hot bacon of yours I think that That's the best response, rather than starting some kind of little moral arguments

about the sound of a can or foot on chair, just freak them out. I consider doing that with, it's almost a shame I was never, ever mugged because my tactic was going to be that if someone's like, give me a phone, that I just, you suddenly just get on your knees, just start going towards them as quickly as possible,

go, let me touch your dick, let me touch you dick. I guarantee they don't want your phone. Oh, let me at it. Let me at it. Like scrappy dude. I was about to say, why I ought to suck you do. That was the end of that sentence. He just never was allowed to finish it.

Boy, had to keep cutting yet. If you've ever watched the cartoons, it always goes like, why are it? Why I ought to? Why on it? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. In every cartoon when they say why I ought to, the full phrase is why I ought to suck you do.

That's the old phrase. That's punishment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In terms of fictional animals, anthropomorphized people, I was having to think the other day. What is wrong with Pudsey? His eye. And the arm. We're just dressing a wound for decades.

He fell down the stairs. Yeah. He's like he... He walked into a tour. He looks like a... like a homeless Confederate soldier. Do you know what he is still wearing like years later? He looks like for a bit Wiley Coyote

after he's ran into a big wall. He's just, what's happened to you? Pudsy. Yeah. Spare it down for Pudsey. Lost my arm, lost my wife. Pudsey will rise again. No problem.

You carry on you ever. Good day, sir. People tore down all those Pudsy statues. They still, unbelievably, they still have them outside, like, town halls in the south. Yeah, and Boomer's get, like, really defensive about it. You don't even know about Pudson. You say he was a great general, and you guys, that's not good enough. What a great day, though, when they pulled down the big Pudsey outside Great Ormond Street Hospital.

All the kids were hitting them with light up trainers. Yeah. Like, like, Suddard. Damn statue. You know it's a good hit because the trainer lights up. It would have looked beautiful in the dusk. Wacking him with like healy, but it just keeps gliding over the top like a laze. Wheeling him, wheeling his marble bandaged eye.

You fuck off! Do you think in the future that, because there's that Peter Pan statue, isn't there, outside Great Ormond Street? Yes. And for people who don't know, is it J.M. Barry, the author? It is, yeah, yeah. So J.M. Barry, is it that he left his entire estate to set up Great Ormond Street? Oh, I don't know.

That's why there's the Peter Pan statue. Right, okay. Basically, the Peter Pan money somehow made or helped majority make Great Ormond Street. So it is like an amazing, nice thing. But also, if you're Jay and Barry, you'd go, if he could just make the statue me, because I gave the money, and him real. Gene. Like, I think I would be so insecure about that. I'd go, obviously the statues of me, though, right? Isn't it? Yeah, would you feel bad if they made up a...

What if it was they said... What if you're like, if Stephen King donated all his proceeds to make a children's hospital, they made a big statue of Pennywise out the front? Scare the children. Yeah, although I guess... Scare them into health. Yeah, I guess at least it is sort of recognisable. Like, if you went to, like, say, the Harry Potter world.

Yeah. in Florida. And there's just loads of big, ornate statues of Joanne rolling. But, like, enormous ones, like the ones that they sell the boats between at the end of Fellowship of the Ring. Well, like, the Colossus at Rhodes.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. You sail between its feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brazilian Jesus. Enormous Joanne Rolling statue. Even an enormous, like, sort of Harry Potter. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. An enormous little boy.

An enormous little boy to sail between the legs of. Like a sort of ministerious Epstein Island. Yeah. Where was Jeffrey Epstein? When the Orts came. Where was Stephen Hawking? When the FBI came.

Yeah, where was Donald Trump? Where was Stephen Mulharn? That's a new rumor. Epstein Island. Who is Mulhern? Moe He's like the rich man's Antendek. He's a TV presenter. He was a magician on kids TV.

Oh, yeah. And he's a very sort of cheeky chippy TV presenter. And he hosts, I think, is it catchphrase? I think now. But it used to be that Irish guy who hosted it. Irish guy. I mean, we're talking 20 years ago. Oh, it was in the old Irish guy.

20 years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, I think maybe Disney should have an enormous Harry Potter statue. Obviously, I'm going to Disneyland Paris in a few weeks. Very excited about this. I'm intrigued to see what statues I have. You're ready for Monsieur Surrey? Yes.

Well, I've got big plans. I want to hear it's a small world after all. But no one else in my family wants to. So what we're going to do is we're going to plug their ears with wax. You're going to strap me to a mast. And you're going to go, Ah! Let me, Adam!

As you're... Yeah. Let me add him! What was the song about? All the things you want. Yeah, what have me wanted to be. All the children of the world had your fingertips, but you can't have them. A lot of kids going on, both.

One adult, struck vertically to a mast, hands behind his back. And one of his... One of his mates sprint swimming towards the dummies. Yeah, immediately gets killed. We seem to get killed by an animatronic just as he goes around. Come on it, it's a smug out after all. And you think, the little animatronic kid hands don't look that heavy.

Yeah, yeah. But his skull came apart like a melon. Yeah, yeah. Jesus. Not even hollow, just pure iron. But iron animatronics. They've repurposed how. hammer forges

from a World War II era arms factory. Yeah, at night when they come alive and they walk, it sounds like a blacksmiths. It sounds like YouTube blacksmiths

FX. It sounds like Black Sabbath. Yeah. Iron man. It's a small world. It's a small world after all. Babushka. How have you lived so long?

Ah, the secret is in my stew. You know, Babushka, you know Babushka's favorite stew? Yeah. Well, there is a secret ingredient. A secret ingredient passed down to me by my babushka and her babushka. You see, first we start. with a green pepper, dice it up very, very fine. You've seen them, Babushka do this, yes?

Yeah. Then we chop it up, fine, fine, cook it down to us, fine mixture with the chicken bones of stock, and we strain it, strain it. Then we add some slices of green pepper and some extra little, some, god, go to the big cheek, little pig cheek. And then we put in some diced green pepper. And then you cook, cook for days and days till it is reduced, reduce down to nothing.

And then you add some fresh green pepper. And you keep that nice and crispy. And then you had maybe a little sauce, from green pepper, you cook that up until it's a kind of a stew, and then you serve it inside, you drink from a spoon made from the half of a green pepper. And you know, little one, what the secret ingredient is? Green pepper?

You know, if you know the end of a story, it's rude to let someone keep telling it. Like if you know it, then just don't. know it then just don't let me make such a fucking asshole of myself doing the whole speech about the he's not polite to like if i ask you look at my um shoe how much you think this was this lovely shoe okay you're supposed you're supposed to guess a high a lot of money because then i get to say no it was only three silver pieces. and you say, wow.

But if you say, I don't know, one coin, then I say, well, no, three coins. Now I am the asshole, and that is what you have done to me here. You have killed me. Kill me with this shit. I was going to describe the Odyssey in the silly way like we did at the fringe. Oh. An angry janitor who's good at maths finally comes home and kills a little British boy's dog.

There you go. That's the other sea. Kills a dog by arriving. By touching it. By touching it. Letting it smell him. And the dog just goes, poo-wee, and dies. Yeah. In any other story, that would be important, wouldn't it?

This guy touched a dog and the dog died immediately. The guy's not good then. We shouldn't let us beggar in the house. Yeah. He kills dogs by touching them. Yeah. That's a great way of describing it. Yeah, I've finally seen it.

Only a few days ago. What did you think? I liked it fine, overall. Really, found the first hour annoying and boring. It's quite liked... It's phenomenally strange to, obviously, I think to focus so much energy, especially on a film version where you can go, you can tell a story in whichever sort of all do you want,

to focus so much energy on him, amnesiac, eating of the lotus and trying to remember and you go, and then just do that bit when it happens. Just sitting with Charlize Theron eating lotus leaves and mumbling for a good what felt like 30 minutes

of the film. Is this like when Tarantino lets his fetishes out in a film Christopher Nolan's is to eat fruit with Charlie's Theron? Pattles. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like he's eating from a pond. Banned from every Japanese garden

in the world. Yeah. For eating the lo. Lotus. I really loved it. This is spoiler territory for, uh, it feels fast-called to say spoilerity for the story, but, three thousand year old story. But, but, but genuinely like spoiler alert for the final sort of, should we say, showdown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was maybe one more interjection from Robert Patterson away from becoming genuinely hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it keeps them cutting to and going, get the spears, get the spears. And then some more weapons come through.

Grab the shields, grab the shields. He sounded like an NPC who's just outside an arena, giving you instructions for the next... He sounded... He sounded... He sounded glitched. Yeah, it was like... He glitched. He just keeps saying the same fucking line over and over again.

He, uh... yeah, it was very close to becoming, and I think you should leave sketch with a very high budget. I thought, yeah. Yeah. Very silly. Yeah, I had issues with it that are a bit, you know, autist-y in terms of just... But it was fine. It was a laugh. But if you were really hoping for like a great Odyssey thing on its own terms as something about the Odyssey,

it's like it's too different of an interpretation. Yeah. It's the Odyssey enjoying equivalent of, what do you think is a little different here? It's Heston Blumenthal's The Odyssey. We've deconstructed it. Yes, for instance, the half-submer. The horse was not how anyone would ever visually design that.

Anyone else would ever visually design that horse. No. Just leave it on the beach. Yeah, yeah. One of the, again, slight spoiler alert, what happens internally in the horse is one of the worst deaths I've ever seen in a film of drowning

while someone's feet are on your shoulders. Yeah, you'd think to yourself, you can fix that. Yes, absolutely. There's enough room in the horse for you to just let that guy. Yeah. Also, when they climb out the horse,

there's no point where they just plop all the dead bodies out. Big smelly, drowned, ones that have presumably been there the whole time. Yeah, they should have noticed as well that after a couple of days, that horse stinks of shit, doesn't it? And blood. It's too high up. The horse is leaking. It's too high up. Is it a real horse?

It's really realistic. Yeah. Yeah, I enjoyed it, but yeah, there was some silly bits. Also, the entire film is just beige, grey, and powder blue. Yeah. And after a while, it's three hours of beige-gray, powder blue. And after a while, your brain just goes, I would love something to be in colour. It feels almost like watching a black and white film.

Well, actually, what I liked was a lot of the horror or a lot of the most tense bits of Venin broad daylight as a complete opposite. So the enormous, the giants that you see on the poster and also the Cyclops, a lot of that is in broad daylight. And that was, I thought that was quite interestingly done. I hated the big silver child. Didn't know what that was about.

Didn't like the silver child at all. Really didn't like the silver carbonate squealing. I hated them. You really disgusted. Really disgusting. Yeah. A giant screeching silver boy. Did you...

I don't remember that from Attack of the Titans. Did you want to eat the Witch's Raman? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The lengthy strips. Of pork. Yeah, really lengthy strips. I was like, God, that's from head to toe. That's from top to taint of a pig.

That is... Look at the length of that. That's incredible. It's the zipper of a pig. It's a zipper, zipper. It was like, I really also almost laughed at how much they were like, I was like, that's how are you, ramen? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's how I just have every meal when I'm really enjoying something.

Slurping. Yeah. Oh, my God, it was disgusting, yeah. Because in the same way that, you know, they ask, when they ask Odysseus after the sirens, but of like, tell us of the song. Yeah. Do you reckon Odysseus wants to ask them when they got back on the boat sort of like, genuinely, how was the soup?

Was it delicious? Yeah, yeah. It was so fucking good. Oddie, it was amazing. Audie. Bill Oddy. Yeah, Bill Odysseus. Bill Odysseus.

Bill Odysseus. Bill Odysseus' journey. Bird watching on various islands. Yeah. You'd want to say to the witch, look, can I just have a not haunted bowl, please? Yes. I just want to try it. Again, but my hands behind my back.

Feed me some. I'll go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't mind if it turns, one toe into a trotter. That's fine. Yeah, it's a story. Yeah. That's a nice story for me.

Yeah, to be a slightly tedious about it, I just thought if you, I liked what Christopher Nolan was doing in the sense that like I thought, oh, it's an interesting interpretation. Like, yeah, fine, cool. But once you change Odysseus's character into a kind of like sad, a traumatized Iraq war veteran, which is essentially what he was. He was American sniper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once you turn him into American sniper, brackets,

emotionally intelligent, then a lot of Odysseus' decisions don't make sense because his decisions are the decisions of a dick-swinging warrior loon. Yes. E.G. Oh, he came across as comically incompetent, for the first half at least. Always fucking everything out. Comically incompetent.

Well, everyone keeps going, I've never known a genius like that guy. Only 18% of us died. Menelaus. Yeah. Doing real, like, Batman voice. Like the same voice he does for the Punisher, that guy. Definitely the sort of people, I mean, he is the Punisher. It was in a Walking Dead boy.

It's his name John Burns, something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like... John Bernthal, that's it. John Bernthal looks like... Someone at gangstamese with... In a diner in Gotham City. He looks like...

Uh, uh, uh, uh, militarized Ernie from Bert and Ernie. Orbert, whichever one has the... Long Banana Head. For long banana head. Yeah. That kind of big black eyebrows, long head. Yeah, when people were using AI to be like, turn me into a Simpsons character. If he turned me into a Muppet's character, they're like, I cannot because of copyright infringement

because it will just be one of the Muppets. It's Bert. It's Bert. You're Bert. Yeah. Just Bert going, oh, I'm not the Bollett. Yeah, he looks like someone Max Payne would kill. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Completely. Absolutely. He's doing Batman voice. Yeah. And also, I mean, well done them for turning Benny Safty, such a softie. such a soft boy into a terrifying anger man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he's such a soft boy.

Mainly by guaranteeing that he basically never says anything. Yes. Just saying, look, you're going to have weird shadow eyes. Don't fucking say anything. Yeah. And just kind of stomp about. Yeah, they had to really darken his, he's like beautifully long eyelashes. Beautiful.

Beautiful. They had to paint them in. Like a dolly. Beautiful. Big blinkers. Big beautiful blinking boy. They were just like, just fucking shut up. Yeah.

It's like, thanks, it is. We have to de-wet your eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You looked like someone's put begging for food cat filter on. Cute cat filter face. Betty's, like, resting face is like that TikTok guy

who's like a veteran's kid dies in Paddling Paul. You never crying man. Yeah, yeah. The crying man who's got his eyelashes. That was a snort on your forehead? How did that come? The crying man,

the horrible crying man. His eyelashes If anyone doesn't know who we're talking about, by the way, it must sound like we're talking about a creepy bastard thing. The crying man on TikTok. We've all seen him. You see him in ponds, you see him in the streets. He's a dead relative.

He's mourning a dead relative, like the lady of a lake. The crying man's eyelashes are around his eyes the way little little children draw fingers on hands. Kind of jutting out. Our toddler draws the sun. Really long and round. Like that. Horrible, horrible.

And they're perfectly round. Eyelashes on a car. Yeah. Round, round eyes. Perfectly circular eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Safdi's got a bit of that, but I'm more luscious. This isn't a shaming thing, by the way. I wish had Benny Safdi's eyes. He looks lovely.

Just frying eggs, wearing the helmet. Yeah, it's purely one egg. One fried egg sandwich. Flag of memnon. The, um... Yeah, there was a lot of, uh... A lot of firelight. Yeah.

Everything looked very smelly when they were inside like that. Every time I look at that, I just think, I can feel myself having a kind of asthma attack. Yeah. Because they're just like, right. Seal all the doors and windows and light. 800 candles. and the candles are made of animal fat

that we haven't strained. So it's just like burping out thick smoke and you just think, who... Fucking hell. Yeah, it was... I just can't picture it. Also, as always, that thing where they... You know, they go, okay, well, they lived in ruins

and you go, right, this is the most luscious palace in all of the Mediterranean and it's basically a fucked building. Yeah, it looks horrible. It looks like the Parthenon now. Yeah, and that's always the mistake where it's like, you know, they had plaster. They didn't plaster over this stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Do you think in 2000 years... Yeah, all their statues didn't have arms. Is that what you think? Yeah. And were they also all skeletons? Yeah, yeah. In the past, everyone was a skeleton.

Yeah, it was amazing. If you went to Pompeii, these dusty people were just walking around, wanking. They were afraid of the sky, we think. Yeah. They all seem to just be really afraid of the sky. Horrible dusty, wanking morph. Horrible dusty, wanking morph. Yeah.

And do you think in 2000 years they'll do a film about now and we'll all be living in like, raw brick houses with like no glass in the windows. Yeah, watching VHSs and clapping every time the screen is a bit juddery and crackly around the edges. Because that's what we like about the HHS. Yeah, because it's cheering. Yeah, yeah. All the CRT's flickering. Great. Great.

Well, they won't know what TV is because everyone will have entertainment beamed into their minds. Yeah. And so what they'll be is a box that kind of just emits kind of burbling noises. And we all sit and watch it in the corner of our raw brick, no windows room. Oh, yeah. like how a dog must think we treat television. Yeah, there's a... Every night my owners go into this bizarre catatonic state,

not the sleeping state, that's a different one. That's different. They go, they just go fully still and listen to loud noises, and they occasionally laugh or cry. Loud noises happen in that room where my owners look at a stone. Yeah.

They have a big stone, and they all sit and look at it. And sometimes the stone becomes a window through which I see another dog, and I freak out. Do you know we had a West Highland Terrier and he would look behind the TV For the dog Interesting

How smart is that That is smart You see a dog and he'd be like What the fuck And he'd go around the back like Yeah What witchcraft is this And then and then standing like

Alongside the TV Assessing the depths going How thin is this dog A flat dog Yeah A terrifying flat dog That's why pugs have faces like that Yeah

They're all for Oh you must be from TV Sorry you must get this all the time Your face has been smushed by. Wow, are you a movie star? To be fair, they have the beauty routines of a lot of movie stars having to like... Having to go to hospital all the time.

For your nose? Yeah. And having their sort of cotton bud clean out your wrinkles. Yeah. I was talking to Katie's brother yesterday about my parents' dogs because I really couldn't... I really didn't like their dogs. They got them after I'd like,

left home. Yes. And the dogs are very irritating, but dogs also weren't allowed upstairs. And I had a hypothetical punishment that I would have never have carried out, but I thought it would have been a very funny punishment to the dogs, which would have been,

because the dogs weren't allowed upstairs, if a dog was ever really disobedient to one day fill the entire upstairs with amazing dog toys and loads of other dogs and pick the dog up, take it upstairs, show it around all these rooms, and then bring it back downstairs and then never allowed up there again.

That's what's upstairs all the time. Dog heaven. Yeah, yeah. You go upwards, yeah. When they say all dogs go to heaven. Upstairs. Dog heaven. Yeah.

And you can't. Just enough, I would never have done this. I wonder if it would. Because dogs remember. They have memory like that. I wonder. What breed are they? Welsh terriers.

They'd remember. Yeah? Yeah. That's a pretty smart. Terriers in general seem pretty smart. The ones I've met. Well, that's it. The dog is now very old.

I was thinking about a friend of mine at school who had the oldest pets I'd ever seen in my life. He had a cat called, it was called like Moggy. And it was one where like the face was absolutely indistinguishable from the ass. Because it's like, it's... Just as smelly. Yeah, but it also just had like,

but apart from it's just sort of like the milky eyes of an oracle in a film. But the cat. Tyresius and the cat. The cat would. The cat would run at speeds I couldn't have reached even when I was like 12. Oh. But couldn't see. And had no sense of a house. So what would happen is there'd just be a cat on the floor and out of nowhere.

And it just thump headfirst interval. No pain. And then it would just change direction and do it again in another one. It reminded me of. Pinball cat. Yeah. Like when you go to someone like, um... Dusty old pinball cat. Did you ever like when you visited London? you go to like Hamleys, and in the foyer,

it'd always have an empty paddling pool, and inside it was a weird sort of ferret toy with its nose attached to a ball, and it's just rolling around, that, that, that, I couldn't believe it had survived for so long. It would be like these sickening, like bone-crunching collisions with walls. I mean, it would just keep going. They couldn't stop the cat from running.

But it seemed to be so delighted. It's the happiest life of just... God. Couldn't hear or see. And it would just run into the wall to feel. God almighty Yeah My friend who was

One of my One of my best men One of my bestest mention At the wedding He I think it was his uncle or something J or T T

I think it was his uncle Or I'm not sure But they had This like Some relative of his Had this horrible old chihuahua And it was like It's

back legs stopped working, and it was just like randomly shitting and pissing, and it would just drag itself around the house. So it was dying from the back forwards? Yes. Yeah, yeah. But it was still horrible. Like, even when it had been alive and more horrible, well, alive, when it was younger, it was like a horrible, aggressive dog that were, like, bite children.

Yeah. And now it was just dragging itself around. An excess bully. But just... Just as angry. Really small. Just as nasty. Yeah.

And they would call it the snail. The snail. The snail. It's just constantly doing a bit of wee. And then if you try to help it, it would bite you. Just think the most unpleasant possible... Oh, yes. A pet from hell.

Yeah, like the guy with the bell in Breaking Bad. But if he could bite you. I don't think him constantly pissing was a big part of the... Gustavo Fring wasn't going, I see you're still pissing. That never came up. Yeah, I think any nickname for anything with the at the beginning is always so entertaining for me.

Not just the, not just the wretch. Yeah. But the rock. The rock, yeah. Fred is should not be named. Obviously, he was making jokes about his, his, the concept of your dad. Yeah. You know, you're da.

But I've just started referring to his dad as the mud. But that's his name. You sent a doctored text through the other day that I really laughed at, because it was from the mud. The sender at the top of the screenshot was the mud. And it's such a sinister nickname. It implies so much. Well, we've never spoken about,

oh my gosh, I can't even remember the name now. But it was the name that Kate and I told you about. Pig Louie. Should we talk about Pig Louie? Yeah. So, it's just like, after lockdown restrictions that sort of eased a bit. Katie and I were going somewhere.

I can't remember where we got on the bus together. And Katie sort of like nudged me. There was like one seat in front of us. and Katie sort of nudged me and was sort of like I don't know what to do and she was basically implying that the guy in front of us

on his phone was watching the worst thing you can imagine Yeah And so I went to switch seats with me I'll see if I can see him and I do what do you grab the guy's phone and call the police or what So I looked over and

I hope he brought enough for the rest of the class It was He was actually looking at Adolf in nappies. He was in a... Few. He was in a WhatsApp group where everyone was sending each other

pictures of themselves in nappies. Yeah. And the head of the group was someone whose name was Pig Louie. I was like, but Katie, I was able to see this over the guy's shoulder. And it was some weird, like, sleeper cell in which a bunch of people with this sort of fetish were all about to act-activate nappy, essentially, in public.

Nap cell. as in we're going to defecate themselves wherever they were. And it was everyone basically, and so we obviously got off the bus because it was about to be dreadful. Like an IED, activated by a mobile phone. It was just...

ISIS today have claimed responsibility for 20 simultaneously shat pants. I... The Nappy Martyrs Brigade. It's like something like a Sin City. The name Pig Louie. I wrote down Pig Louie in my list of good names for things. Because it's such an amazing.

Butcher in Hannibal or something. Pig Louie. Pig Louie was telling all these people what to do. It's a character from Gangs of New York. Oh my gosh. I don't know what happened on that bus. We got off. We got really quickly.

You best tidy this face up before Pig Louie gets here. Pig Louie. Pig Louie. Send us your nickname. Send us your horrible names like that. you've ever come across any. Yeah. The snail, Pig Louie. These are the things we want. Yeah, cauliflower deck. Yes. Yes. Someone, I won't say who, because I don't know if it was a public story, although it was a public story at the time. A comedian we know had someone come to their show

in a nappy, which is one of the versions of... A message to her in advance to say he was looking forward to... I'm looking forward to like wetting myself during your show. Yeah, and when she posted about it. Some people did like criticize her saying like don't kink shame and it's like no no no I'd say that's indecent assault to bring other people into your like that's absolutely insane. It's like that discord, that big discourse from a few years ago where someone was posting about how they like to get all dressed up like a big dog and get led around shopping mall and everyone's like you can't fucking do that at a mall during the day guys and everyone was like well I didn't expect to be ashamed for my well I need to get Katie's

permission to tell this. Yeah. But her mom, her mom was at a nursery. And there was a nursery she was working out a few years ago where a guy rang up and said, can I have like the nursery tour and stuff like that about perspective, you know, like the sort of joining tour. And Katie's mom was like, yeah, yeah, sure.

If you just, so how old's the child? And he was like, no, no, I'm the baby. I'm the baby. So I'll be playing with the toys and I'll be the baby. And for free. What a fucking cheap skate. You'd think he'd ring up... It's hell!

He'd ring up and say, look, I'm the baby, but I'll give you two grand, as opposed to just, well, I presume, I'm well within my consumer rights. Yeah. Citizens' advice, please. Money-saving experts told me. Are you method or not?

Yeah, true. You should be saying Google, you shouldn't be able to book this. Are you allowed to use the phone? Yeah, absolutely. What are we discussing this with method actors and method acting and how, I do truly believe it is bullshit. And the way you can prove that method acting is bullshit

is try to do it on a film set when you're not to the lead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And see how quickly the casting crew lose patience with you. And the director. I'm the shopkeeper, of course. Just fired. Yeah, yeah. Well, you're fired.

Fuck off. Yeah, exactly. We'll do some correspondence. Yeah, it's a correspondence. Mail, letter, post, message, email, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, whatnot. correspondence from Chris. Hello, Chris.

Hello, brackets to the tune of Phil Collins. I can feel it coming in Pierre tonight. Glenn Moore. Yes. Does that mean you're coming in me? No, someone's telling me that they are doing it to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Glenn, just let you know.

Like that dream you had when you got that phone call. The chat of. about a very tall... A dream last night. Oh. Yeah? For some reason. I'm so glad I've been reminded of this.

For I... The joke, it was a joke. I thought it was like a... I was creating something funny in my dream. I thought I was creating something funny. Child FM? It was a bit Child FM. Oh, really?

It was a sitcom about a yellow family called The Sinjans. So it was like St. John. So it was a home. Homer Sinjun. The Sinjans. The British guy called Homer Sinjin. I thought it was, in my dream, I thought it was really funny.

I'm so glad you've reminded it. But I can just see the letters coming through the clouds. Also, like, just so confusing. The Sinians. Everyone who doesn't know that's St. John. The St. John's. Well, I did a temp job and I was like 18. And there was, I kept being sort of like, I've got an email here for, I've got a letter here for Oliver St. John's.

And a guy kept on, I mean, like, that's me. And I, but every time I picked up a funny, go, Olly Shingen. And it was like, right, so it's not you then. It couldn't get my head around it. It is mad. It's a joke in four weddings and a funeral. Is it? Yeah.

Roman Atkinson, and he's like the sort of bumbling vicar. Can't go his head around the idea of it. Someone's called Sindjan. The vicar is the one person who would nail that. Yeah. Silly film. Silly people behaving. The Shingians?

That is Child FM. Absolute peak child FM, yeah. The chat about it. a very tall Jesus in series 2, episode 64. Gigantor. Gigantor. Reminded me of some good local law from southern Ohio. In the early Norties, a church near Cincinnati built a 20-meter-tall statue of Jesus next to the highway

that locals nicknamed Big Butter Jesus. Big Butter Jesus? Big Butter. Big Butter Jesus, right, okay. Butter. Due to its butter-like color and texture photo. It really does look like it's made of butter. Like the great, do you remember the gravy cow?

There was an advert for gravy And it was a big gravy bull That I leapt out of gravy boat And I started dancing and it was like It was made of grey It was so It's like a tit of Elden rings Because, yeah, because it was a bull you go

So it's jizz then Bull gravy Yeah, ball gravy is a horrible term Disgusting So butter Jesus In 2010 it was struck by lightning resulting in a massive Jesus-shaped fire next to the road. Every so often the phrase big butter Jesus

and the image of it on fire pops into my head and gives me a little moment of joy. Hopefully you'll bring the same to you. Best Blair. Thank you. That's getting struck by lightning. Look how buttery. That's so buttery.

Look how buttery. Or mashed potato. It looks delicious. It's absolutely delicious. It looks like those. It's the kind of thing the Midwest of America would have, a big butter Jesus. Yeah, come and see the great... It's on Route 66.

It's near area 51. It goes well with all the bread and fisher. Oh, there's a picture of it on fire. Wow, let's have a look. Oh, so it's just from the chest up, arms in the air, Jesus. Oh, so it looks like he's emerging from the ground. And there's the frame. Yeah.

A big burning. Yeah, but all the local towns miners going, that explains the great big dick we dug across. Big buttery, buttery willy. It's, um, that getting struck by lightning is, like, is proof of Satan. Jimmy, I think my seat is like, well, that's proof of God. But you go, no, no, no, that's like, like, the lightning came up through the ground. You shouldn't have made him so buttery. God is upset.

That's, emerging from the ground is very, very funny because it doesn't seem nice. I did this to, um, I did this to my sister. We've spoken about this. My parents moved house from ours, I was 18. And so just before I went to uni, so I've never really sort of lived there. But every time we came back for like Christmas holidays, my sister's window looked out onto like basically the driveway. And my dad was trying to build like a sort of a brick wall on the driveway. And over the winter he kept it covered with a big blue tarp. I mean, it started to snow.

So the snow formed this lovely mound over the blue tar. So what I did was I made a sort of snowy head with, and I poked holes in it for us. and I got a black plant pot and shoved it into it it looked like a gaping mouth. Yeah. And I filled two rubber gloves with water and then they froze. And I called it Melty Bernard.

And it looked like it was coming out the ground to sort of go to her window and she was just absolutely horrified. But Melty Bernard, that's another nickname. Melty Bernard. I have a photo somewhere of Melty Bernard. I'll see if I can dig it out. I would love to see it Melty Bernard. We have a nickname.

But to Jesus. So we're talking about Far-Fetched nicknames like me calling it a can of George. Yes. E. Yeah, really annoying stuff. Yeah. So that's George, George Washington, Washington, D.C., D.C., Diet Coke. Yes.

Hello, boys. You were talking about nicknames recently, and I'd like you to share my far-fetched nickname. My name is Tamzin, often shortened to Thames, and naturally my friends took to calling me Abu Tamza. Which the extremist cleric Tamzin. Yeah. Which then affectionately evolved into. simply Abu. Great.

When one of my friends had a new baby, I bought a gift inside it from Auntie Abu. Cheers, Abbs. I like that. Ab's abs as well. Abs. Shortening that. Abs.

Abu Tamza. Tams. Tams. Nice. It's like when I was in my final at uni, a lot of the firsts, when I was doing a master's, a lot of the first years, were people in the previous year had started to say CBA. Yeah.

To mean, can't be asked. Can't be asked. But then the new generation of first year started to say seebes. And it was like, right, because you can't be asked to say can't be asked. You can't be asked to do the acronym for can't be asked to say can't be asked. Just replace it with going, ah. Yeah, just make the noise. A Glenn Dream joke.

Hey. From Chris. Okay. I'm under pressure to tell all these on stage. Will I have an hour by next Edinburgh? Oh, yeah. Did you get around to? No, I need to do it.

Which means I have to do it at a regular gig. Oh, my God. I know. Or on the week in a few weeks. So maybe I'll do it. Maybe I'll do it on TV. No, I wouldn't do it on... No.

Dearest, you chuckling pack of idiots. That's good. I like it. In recent months, I resigned from my job as a radiation oncology medical physics registrar, a job that is difficult to describe succinctly, but it largely involves making radiation safe and effective in hospitals for the purposes of cancer treatment. Okay.

Yeah, it's with the job description. The job description makes a much more sense than the job title. Just say that. Due to a combination of work-related stress, endless study for my full accreditation, yeah, it must be like four degrees at once. And hating where I was living, I'm now unemployed and trying to live a happier life. Great. In the interim that is now my life, I have discovered Bud Pod, the Glenn and Pierre show,

and it warms my burnt-out ADHD-riddled heart. Good, that's what we like to hear. Yeah. Doctors do recommend. I'm getting a lot of accusations of having ADHD. Are you? Yeah. People begging me to get tested.

Really? I refused to. I got in touch with and ended up on how do you cope with John Robbins? Because I said to myself, if a certain number of people, loads of people who had already said, has John Robbins read your book? Yeah. Because he has an archival knowledge of service stations. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that does sound like one of mine. And I thought to myself, okay, I'm going to set a number. And if that number is reached with people messaging me about make John Robbins read your book, I'll text him. And then I text him and he was like, I get told to read your book all the time by my doctor

all the time he talked about it how much he's accused of it and we talk about it on how do you cope which give it a listen it's a good episode yeah

it happened a bit it happened a bit on tour people would be sort of like you'd like my daughter sort of thing and I'm always sort of like I was this trying to do like a matchmaking

they're like because she recently got diagnosed of ADHD or they got diagnosed of autism as well and I'm like okay right

it's happening quite a lot People are really happy to fucking just shotgun effect Yeah, I'm like, no, I just have a lot on my mind I just have a lot on my mind I have lots of thoughts I wonder, you don't strike me But I'd be interested to see No, but like Katie definitely doesn't for instance

I remember our first date We basically, the second half of the first date was all Callbacks because we were flitting across so many different topics I was trying to map them out across the table And so the second half of the date I was like let's go back to the let's finish these like 20 individual strands we've had. You were like a job interviewer.

I just want to circle back. Yeah, we circled back. We covered everything. It was like a night. It was really well structured first date, I'd say. Yeah, sabbat at 40 minutes. Blackout at the end. Yeah.

So, so, much like Rachel, I too was visited in a dream by the Spectre of Glenmore. Yes. I sling the pot. I made in life, like Marley's ghost. Who told me a joke? Although I cannot quite remember if the dream was just in audio or had visuals as it was some time ago.

Still, I took pains to remember it as it seemed surprisingly coherent, although could probably be tightened up a bit. So here it goes. This is you. Right. Like on stage or in a joke book or... No, approached.

Oh, like, in the shit... I don't want to hear a joke. And I open up a trench coat. Yeah. Why should you never try to suck your own dick? It does sound like one of yours Can you guess the punchline? I don't know

Why should, sorry, why should you never try? Why should you never try to such a guarantee? I don't know, Pierre. Because you might end up with egg on your face. Oh, yuck. But then it can... Yark! Sorry.

Egg. Yeah. Yeah. The issue is implying a universal acceptance of egg as a cinnamon. No one does. Egg. That's horrible.

Does yours not have yolk in? Just one big yolk coming out. Well, I get from a carton that's just all the whites. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to cut that joke from, did I say I had to cut that joke from my fringe show? What joke? I'll put it in the Patreon.

Okay. So it doesn't need trimming down, Chris, I think. Why should you never try to suck your own dick? Because you might end up with egg on your face. And either way. you just look ridiculous. Right. The second half of the punchline

went into full chat GPT. Yeah. But hey, that's just another little wrinkling this crazy little thing we called life. So let's hear it for sucking your own dick. Let's hear it. God.

Thank you all for reading this. Love the podcast. Hoping to come see you guys the next time you're in Melbourne, Koji Chris. P.S. I've recently gotten a kick out of finding bizarrely written wiki articles,

which seem to make my housemate laugh a lot when I read them out loud. And he's found me a few as well. Would you be interested in the links? Yes. Links or screenshots. Preserve them, Chris, because the wiki people, they get on that and they change them good again. Oh, you can't change anything, yeah.

I remember at, like, school and uni, you weren't allowed to use Wikipedia as like an official source in an essay. But I'm like, is there no more accurate source than Wikipedia, considering how well it's policed? I think it's coming down the other side now, though. I think there was a peak where it was like, oh, fuck, it's just academics in their spare time. Yeah, and then now... You couldn't change any... Do they get notifications every time something's changed? It's crazy.

Now they're just maniacs, though. Yeah. Now it's like all social media. Once enough people discover it, it's ruined. Yeah. Well, see you on the Patreon. Which hasn't been ruined yet because of the barriers, which is to say, less than the price of a beer a month

for an extra episode a week and George Pods and all kinds of silly nonsense. Yeah, we're coming up also at a moment formulating lots of different ideas for our next experience is pods. We've obviously just done the Lady Boys of Bangkok. and we're recording that, but also we've got some big ideas in the pipeline. Madden Two Swords, Magic Mike Live.

The A-1. The A-1. I hear me out. Right. I'll explain it when we do it. The A-1, for Road as an experience pod. But also, outside of the pod, remember you can see Pierre live at the Soho Theatre. Yeah, in a couple of weeks.

And you're doing two weeks, aren't you? I'm doing two weeks, baby. Yep, we're doing two. We've got a couple of live dates coming in. up, we're at the cheerful, earful festival at the Clapham Grand in South London. That's October the 10th. On October the 10th. It's midday.

On a Saturday, though. Yeah. We're running in Boston, November. And Brighton on the 14th now. Ah, of October. Yes. Great stuff. But yes, come see me in Soho in like two weeks.

Yes. If you're listening to this when it comes out. Please watch my special on Sky. Yes, go, Jay.