BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E66 | Haunt and Fiona

Episode Date: September 16, 2026

This week the buds discuss 'Makin’ whoopie', Peter Kay's Amarillo video, Bordeaux Airport, John Winterbarrow and 'Pointless Projects'This week's sketch: 'If'.Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back!Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival - October 10, 2026 - Tickets available https://www.tickettailor.com/events/cheerfulearful/2230576Brighton Komedia - October 14th, 2026 - Tickets available - https://www.tickettailor.com/events/cheerfulearful/2378930Bath Komedia - November 3rd, 2026 - Tickets available https://komediabath.co.uk/events/128649554-budpod-live-2026-11-03-19-00-00/Catch Pierre live at the Soho Theatre! September 21st - October 1st - Tickets available - https://sohotheatre.com/events/pierre-novellie-okay-one-more-then-bedtime/Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVVote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Attention Podbuds. We've got a double plug for you. If you missed my new show, okay, one more than bedtime at the Edinburgh fringe, then do not worry it is coming to London and it is in London from the 21st of September. So that's really soon. The 21st of September all the way to the 1st of October. And speaking of October, Budpod Live is on the 14th of October in Brighton. another Budpod Live to add to your list. So we have the 10th of October, that's London. Midday, Clapham, be there. This is the new one we're adding, 14th of October. That's in Brighton. South Coast, come on in from your little swim in the horrible cold sea and check us out. And then if you are in Bath, we will also climb into the Bath with you on the 3rd of November. So there are three Bud Pod Lives scattered around the foot of England. And hopefully we'll see you at all of them. And if I don't see you at them, I would love to see you at OK, One More Than Bedtime,

21st of September to the 1st of October at Soho Theatre. So that's soon, soon. Attention, Podbuds. We've got a double plug for you. If you missed my new show, OK, one more than bedtime at the Edinburgh fringe, then do not worry. to London and it is in London from the 21st of September, so that's really soon, the 21st of September, all the way to the 1st of October. And speaking of October, Budpod Live is on the 14th of October

in Brighton. That's another Budpod Live to add to your list. So we have the 10th of October, that's London. Midday, Clapham, be there. This is the new one we're adding, 14th of October, that's in Brighton. South Coast, come on in from your little swim in the horrible cold sea and check us out. And then if you are in Bath, we will also climb into the Bath with you on the 3rd of November. So there are three Budpod Lives scattered around the foot of England. And hopefully we'll see you at all of them. And if I don't see you at them, I would love to see you at OK, one more than bedtime, 21st of September to the 1st of October at Soho Theatre. So that's soon, soon, soon. It's Bud Pod 66. Cow of Bunga. Oh, yeah. Cowo Bunga.

Yeah, I see what you're doing there. Yeah, like filetto fish, yeah, yeah. A cow o bunga. Cow of bunger. Like Bolesconi Bunga Bunga. Yes. His Bungov part of. His Bungov.

Yeah, yeah. God. Why, where's that name from for him? Bunga Bunga Bunga. Yeah. Yeah, it was strange. Because you go, why does everyone else get called a sex party? But no one's ever been sort of like, yeah, I was in this fetish club in Berlin.

I went to this incredible bunga bunga night. They had a bunga bunga room. Yeah. They also had a sex room. But next to it, they had a bunga bunga room. Yeah, bunker bunga sounds like something out of bunzai. To me, it sounds like something out of Benny Hill. Or like a kind of silly.

Rumpy pumpy. Absolutely. It sounds silly. So a sex party, gosh, no. This was much sillier. It sounds like lots of... I hate those terms. Bonging.

Anything like that you go, there's no... There's nothing remotely like on a matapaeic about it. There's nothing that you could possibly ever connect to sex. To the point where it feels as coded as Cotney rhyming slang. It's so that prison wardens don't overhear what you're saying

when you say, having it off. Having it off. Making Whoopi. Well, no one says that. They fucking did. There was a song. Spice Girls.

Spice Girls. No, genuinely, there's like some old war, there's some old like wartime song about making whoopi. But making whoopi was like a, I think it's a British slang term for, Oh, we'll make whoopi on Hitler's grave. Yeah. We'll make whoop on Hitler's grave.

Lift up your nightie, sir. Will make whoopi on Hitler's grave was a real morale boost because there was the we'll hang our washing on the Siegfried line that's a real thing and then the late night version was we'll make whoopee on Hitler's grave

Make whoopi is awful But also just such a Make whoopi not war P No 1928 Right there we go Make whoopi not war pee

It's so disgusting So make woo. Yeah, make woo. They would, Philan the Sims, that's saying woo, isn't it? Yes. Wahoo. They woohoo.

They woohoo, yeah. They woo-hoo each other. Yeah. Yeah, I always just thought Bunga Bunga was like, Sylvia Berlusconi was an objectively, deeply sinister man. Kind of, kind of incredibly either fake tanned or just really, like, too tanned. Like when you see old, sometimes you're just, see like an old white lady on a beach

somewhere in Spain and she'll be like a handbag. Yeah, a human shaped belt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, someone's made this amazing leather display. Oh, look at his leather display. The shopkeeper's only got two earrings left to sell. It's moving. It'd be such a devastating thing

to say to someone on the beach. Look at this leather display. Fucking hell. Imagine how terrifying. Imagine how terrifying. Donald Trump must seem if you don't speak English. Right? Berluscones are that. Yes. So it's something to do with, because Berlusconi had that, like,

his hair was always dyed, obviously, black, but it always looked, like, wet with boot polish and, like, scraped back. Yes, yeah, yeah, like Tom Jones, just before he suddenly went gray at the age of, like, 80. Or just went, like, straight to, like, blustful clouds of heaven, white. Yes, he suddenly... It looks like the top of his head is in heaven. That's how old he is. He's almost there.

He looks like when a baby puts bubble bath on their head. He looked like a dandelion. If you blew his head too hard. No, my wig! No, there'll be thousands of me. All crowing. I saw him, I was in the same room as him once. Tom Jones.

Many years ago. Right. And it was like a little white cloud just, drifting through this busy... What was the context? What room? It was some kind of like the anniversary of comic relief or...

Right. I don't remember. It was a comedy thing. What's he got to do with that? I was a The Voice spoof. I mean, I'm talking this is like 10 years ago. So pre The Voice, probably. No, the voice has been on longer than that, I reckon.

Philippa let's... Get that up. Go ahead of Philip. Joe Rogan asking the Voice first series. Can you bring up Series one on the Voice first series? But he back then had perfect white cloud hair. Yeah, he's that I, one of my favorite lyrics of all time is from, it's not unusual. I want to die.

It's so funny. I knew you were going to say that. Because I have a screenshot on my phone of him like performing it in the 60s. I want to die. And it's like him like that like clicking his fingers and it just is the ultimate screen, I want to die. Like full stop. The original When the Intrusive Thoughts win kind of lyric. Yeah.

I want to die. Yeah, he's the friend who makes suicide jokes to his non-suicide jokes friends. And everyone's like, Thomas was like really weird earlier. You're right. He was dancing. Yeah. No, I was just talking about, yeah. And then, yeah, anyway, I mean, he started telling his next song about killing his ex-delaglia.

Then he confessed to a domestic murder. But there's a Tony, oh, man, what's his surname? Amarillo guy. Yeah. Oh, no. Tony Christie. Tony Christie. Thank you so much, Felipe.

But there's a song called like Maria. And it's like a Wild West set song about avenging. Yeah. He's like murdered lover. But the chorus is take an eye for an eye and a life for a life. And somebody must die for the death of my wife. Yeah. But it is delivered like Amarillo, like Peter K. Walkie.

And again, I found it very funny to look it up on YouTube with him being like, And somebody must die for the death of my... Like with a big grin. Like, Rick does grin. his face. Just what Peter Kaye doing that for charity, stomping. That was a real level of like national psychosis. That was close to, I was about to say, that was close to Captain Tom and pots and pans for the NHS.

But people went wild for what they described as the Peter Kay song. But it was being played on the radio. So Peter Kay's not in it. And my mom would have it on the kitchen. But I'm imagining him. My mom would have it on the kitchen and she'd be like chuckling. and I'd be like, it's a normal song. It's a normal song, man.

What are you laughing at? So, was he the last time that someone was funny just for being fat and shiny? I thought you're going to say it was funny next to Jimmy Saville? No. Funny being fat and shiny. Because his whole thing was, I'm doing a big, intense, silly grin, and I'm big and fat and shiny.

And that's the... He's not doing anything else funny. He's not falling over. He's not telling jokes. I didn't know what the joke was. He was walking energetically. The joke is, imagine if I did this. Also, by the way, I'm big and fat and shiny.

Yeah. And the shiny, sweaty face is like in that giff of him turning around and doing this. Yes. He's bit about the wedding. Yes. Yeah. Maybe.

The shininess is crucial to Peter Kay. The shining, yeah. The shining. We do have a shining. His shining. His shining. His shining. Peter, you have an amazing, tremendous gift.

Red, rum. Red, rum. It's the future, I'm telling you. That's perfect. Yeah. That's perfect. Entire remake of The Shining with Peter K. A-eyed onto the little boy's head.

How many rooms? Play with you for how long? Forever and ever. Him doing the knee slide into the... Down the corridors. But it's relentless. He is as quick as the tricycle. And he can change direction like 90 degree angles.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. My wife got involved. And let me tell you, I corrected her. And the kids started to cry, I corrected them. You've always been here. We've always got someone who's imagining the entire staff of a hotel. And if you don't know that friend, then that friend, it's you.

Do you remember? Christmas time, Dad would get an axe, and he'd lose his. Chase you on the headspace. Basically just describes the plot of the shiny as if it was a collective memory. Who here remembers New Year's Eve, 1926?

Well, you shouldn't remember that piece of. You weren't born. Yeah. I was. On the back of his hand, he's just written like, all work and no play. Makes Peter a fat and shiny ball. Boy, his fat shining is crucial, I think.

Yes. We haven't had someone be just that. That is just the joke for a while. Well, who was it before him then? Maybe Matt Lucas in a fat suit or on his own, depending on character. Where did it originate? Like a sort of fatty R buckle. Yeah, and John Candy.

John Candy, of course. The one from SNL who passed away. Yes. Chris Farley. Chris Farley. I always think it's bizarre that he was meant to be Shrek. Like, they'd done the entirety of Shrek. And it was, like, horrible and rude.

Yeah. It was like, well, fuck you. You know, it's like horrible. Yeah. But it's the idea of like, what, he just wasn't a thing here. No. No. But then Shrek wasn't a thing anywhere. So it's not...

It still worked. Yeah, people were getting really, really angry about, like, destroying the original Shrek. Yeah. Have you heard about making it refer to him as Green Shrek? They've cast a green Shrek. Fucking woke Americans. Yeah, no, great, Shrek. Or, like, there'll be a country in Europe that turns out to be where Shrek is from

in the same way that the Little Mermaid is from Denmark. Yes. Oh, like, canonically from Denmark. Yeah, so in other words, it'll be like, oh, the Latvian president has protested that his nation's character. Yes, yeah, yeah. He's on our flag. Yeah, it's cold of arms. Yeah, he's like... He's a big, like, sort of Christmas figure of the ogre. The ogre would still your children and eat them.

If they're bad. Is that crampus? Yes. And he's crampus and he's got a terrible mule. They follows him around. Yeah, the ogre and his disobedient mule. The disobedient mule. Have long been reference points for our nation, our culture.

Yeah. What was that thing about the Shrek? The Shrek. I'm having a complete breakdown here. This might need to be cut out. But ages ago on WhatsApp, you found like a really funny, it was like a statue about like the Shrek or something. Type it in. Shrek is like a verb for having sex or something.

What was that? It was a plastic toy. He had a different name. We spoke about it on the pot. He wasn't called the something. He was called the something. Fuck, what was that? Type in Dadson Shrek.

Was that it? It was like a toy, wasn't it? No, it was like a horny key ring or something, wasn't it? Like an or something. sexy. It looked like Shrek was fucking. And he was called like the the mist. He was like that. He was called like

The Mist. It was a haunt, wasn't it? Wasn't it? Haunt. Fiona and haunt. It's a haunt. It is. He used message, lull. Anyone else?

The groony loki look like haunt. Cry face. right face. Oh my God. It was a haunted Fiona. It was really... AI generated toy of him eating Fiona's ass,

but it said Fiona and haunt. Haunt. So, we figured out what it was. It was a, I think, AI-generated sexy Christmas tree bubble. That you could get someone of a relative, a friend.

It's like Shrek kissing Fiona's bum. Yeah. And she's in like a sexy Mrs. Claus outfit. And it's called haunt and Fiona. Sorry, I was going to shoot myself if I couldn't remember what the...

If I couldn't remember what Shrek was not called. Oh, God. Yeah, well, he's never been referred to. Oh, what didn't we used to call him? We're going through like, Aaron. If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you. If you can trust yourself, when all men doubt you, make allowance for their doubt and two. If you can wait, not be tired by weight or being lied about, don't deal in lies or being hated.

Don't give way to hate him. And yet don't look too good nor talk too wise. If you can dream, not make dreams your master, if you can set it and not make thoughts your aim. If you can make with triumph and disaster and treat those two impostors just the same. If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken, twisted by knaves to make a trap of fools, or watch the things you gave your life too broken and stooping to build them up with worn-out tools.

You can make one heat of all your winnings, risk of one turn, pitch and toss and lose, start again at your beginnings, and never breathe a word about your loss. You can force your heart and nerve and sine you to serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you except the will which says to them, hold on. If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue or walk with kings,

nor lose the common touch, neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you. If all men count with you but not too much, if you can fill the unforgiven minute with 60 seconds worth of distance run, then so you might be a red good night ladies and gentlemen I've been Jeff Foxworthy good night

I wrote this down because I've been in France and I will say this French food in restaurants is a contender for the best cuisine on earth outside of restaurants it's just as ham and cheese sandwich

as the most boring bits of the Netherlands Yeah it's service station dinner It's W.A. Smith's dinner And it's worse than Pratt. It's not even as good as Pratt, and that's not a super high bar. So I was last in France two years ago, and it was when Katie was writing on. So the last leg was covering the Paralympics, which were in France. So she went out for a couple of weeks to work in Paris.

This is when you went to Disneyland on your own? I went to Disneyland on my own. But I felt... We got a cult seven. That's what they said. Yeah, the solo male adult traveler. Yeah. Yeah.

The different kind of Disney adult. But I found that I was in like the most touristy part of Paris And I just couldn't go to any I couldn't get it Every menu was just burger Snails frogs legs That was it was like tourism and American Yeah yeah

That was all it was And I struggled to get anything nice I just I I'd ask people What's off the beaten track And they're like you're just in the wrong bit of Paris You're in Piccadilly Circus Yes I think their attitude is

Well if you're not going to have a full It takes the whole day family meat yeah, food is pointless. Yeah? Or a pastry. Yes. So, okay, the pastries will still be good. Obviously, a quixon is still nice.

But if it's not a breakfast pastry of some kind or a full evening, sit down, multiple hour requiring type meal, you can fuck off, is the cultural attitude. Yes. So where in France, where you were in? The near Bordeaux. Lovely.

For a wedding. A wedding to a French wedding. So not just the destination wedding, but a legitimately half-French, half-English wedding. But what made me laugh was Bordeaux Airport is a shambles. I've been many times. Man, it's all just different random little buildings in a way that makes it quite stressful to navigate.

The bad cafe just selling bad ham-and-chee sandwiches. It's so bad. Honestly, I think any time I am about to fly somewhere and it's an airport that I don't know. And I think, well, I'll just eat something at the airport. I'm sure they'll have a preprette. It's like angel and devil on my shoulder of a devil is a picture I have in my head of Bordeaux airport

and I think about their crap their crap quassons and it's just so dry, like, is the sort of food you would get on a plane? Yeah. The sort of pastry they'd wake you up with at the end of your night flight. They'd make you pay for it though. Like, it's not even a good free one from like a nice carrier. Yeah.

It's like a bad one. It's unbelievable. It's like the kind of sandwiches with no labeling or ingredients on you sometimes get in late-night shops. Yes. You go, who made this? Yeah, it feels like you're going to get a big samosa next to it, yeah, or little Tupperware of curry.

Yeah. And you get, that is the one curry I will never try. Yeah. Is the Mewisagent's fridge curry? Forbidden Tupperware curry. Do you want the plastic? Do you want it back at the end? I always just want to say to them, look, it's not like I don't trust who made it, although I don't. But that's not the first problem.

I want my family to know who to sue if I die of Salmanella. Yes, yeah, which I will. And there should be an address in an industrial park at the very least for the detectives, they have something to go on. So... It's the most... Also, Bauderup was the most hungover I've ever been in an airport.

Yes. To the point where I was... I was in the bathroom thinking, I'm gonna be sick until I die. Yeah. And I couldn't bring myself to get up off my knees, and they called my name over the Tanoi. And that was like...

And I was so like, I'm willing to miss this. I can't bear leaving this porcelain. This porcelain face hole. Red wine hangover, too. Really, really bad stuff. George Pot is coming your way, guys. We know we're a little behind on George Potts,

but S&L and the fringe has gotten away, but you'll get yours. You'll fucking get yours. Me and George at university used to refer to that as having a little cranberry head. Yes, shrewd little, yeah. Your head is like a tiny little red cranberry of rage on your pillow. Just, you can't get air, and you can't see out of it.

I feel like all fluid has been drained from inside my head, so my brain is now dryly rattling around, and every time I get a trough of a headache, is because my brain has hit a corner. It's like when a luther dries out and gets all hard. Yes, and it's now, with every step, it's moving around my head like a screensaver. That's how I picture my brain.

Really bad. I never get like... Body hangover. Body hangover. It's all in the mind. It's all in the mind. It's all in the mind. Because I...

There was nothing worse than being hung over on a commitment. We will return to this airport thing, I promise. Staggering through the mist of pain Like someone who needs to be revived In a shoot again Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I need someone to inject me And they then need to also not get shot I always think as well

Like airports are built to punish you for being hung over They're designed to make you take it the serious as possible Because you're having to stand wavering in a queue for ages It's the most brightly lit place you've ever been You so have to be on your best behaviour And then pass that They then send you through a pathway, a sort of duty-free pathway. Yeah, slalom.

That's built, a slalom that's built like when someone's drunk in a cartoon. So you're having to veer left or right, as the strong smells of perfume and alcohol hit you at every angle. It's like a final boss. It's like an assault course. They're trying to make you throw up or clatter into a glass display. Yes, yes, and I have to pay for it all. Knock over someone's tray of whiskey shots that are there at seven in the morning. Welcome to the zone of stacked glass items.

Yes, yes. It's like Takeshi's Castle when you're in a sumer-hastless outfit, and you've got to get through about anyone noticing. Oh, it's bad stuff. So what happened? Nothing happened just so much as me, A, noticing how shit everything was, and just being like, this is France.

This should be like a national source of shame. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, as you're leaving, they should be giving you. In the Italian airports, it's still not amazing. but they'll... Casual dining, Italian food has the edge because even a microwaved slice of pizza

is better than a dry, plain sandwich. Although maybe the nice of a location, the airport doesn't have to be as nice because we're about to show our hand. But like everywhere in Italy is nice and the airports have better quality food in the cafes. You can have a chicken pesto thing toasted all night. Best Singapore airport is astonishing.

Well, Singapore airport is like the London City airport of the planet because it's for business people. It's unbelievable. It's a big shopping center. It's restaurants. It's got a huge fountain in the middle. It's got a big play area. That's why it has to be nice.

Yeah. Because it's for business people. Yes. And I remember Dubai having a particularly snazzy one. Yeah. But also having stack after stack after stack. This would have been like 14 years ago. Of motivational DVDs.

All from American men you've never heard of. In a shirt and tie looking like stock. photos and it would be called like mind think body do. Chuck Blumps knew from the author of Mind Think Body Doe. It's I think it's like I can make you a billy, you will be a billionaire by the end of this DVD and it's someone giving a TED talk and they look like that video of Microsoft CEOs dancing on stage. Well, I always describe people who dance with closed fists.

A guy. Don't like that. It's being delivered by a guy who is wearing a Britney. Spears Head Mike has perfectly white teeth. Yes, Tim and Eric White Teeth. Tim and Eric White Teeth. Brittany Mike.

And is wearing a suit, but is still a bit like John Cena is now. And he's kind of angrily yelling at a crowd in what looks like a rented Hilton. Yes, yeah, you're a big board. Like a Tom Cruise and Magnolia. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it would be stuff like you will guarantee, follow these steps, you will be a billy there. Yeah. And stuff like, Step one, invent your unique product. Yeah. Step two, market it. Step three, you're a billionaire.

And everyone's like, just follow these three steps. Invent your unique product, simple. Market it become a billionaire. That's all you need to do. And everyone in the audience is like writing it down. But also you could like, you could almost sense it because they were showing loads of, they were showing like, I always like a TV screen and like a hardware store. But you'd sometimes get like, and it's just on repeat, five seconds of someone just.

using a trowel. And then below a TV screen, it's just loads of trowls. And even as a kid, you're just so obsessed of TV. You're like, well, I'll watch, I will watch this until my parents don't mean. I'll watch Trow. It's something. So they had... Have you seen Trow? We've been really enjoying Trowl. Yeah. And the sequel is amazing. It's called... They've taken the T-W-O in Trowl to make the number two. So it's like, too-row. Trowl. Oh, we love T-O. We can't wait for three-hour. I was thinking it's part of the reason why I don't think Disney Pixar ever made a Rattatoo E too was because firstly it's a dumb title but you can't spell. You can't put a two in Rattatatooie.

Yeah. And but spell it normally. It would look. Rettitwile. Have you seen Rattatatwile? Everyone in Paris starts to dive the bubonic plate. You can see like pastels appearing on their faces as they say it. Rattatatatoole.

Rattatatat. And Remy, The rat has to, like, pilot plague doctors and stuff to try. Painting a big red axe on someone's front door. Hammering them in as they go, please, please. No, 40 days until hammering whole families in. Yeah. Poking bread through a little hatch.

Yeah, lovely. Delicious bread. And then the third film in the series was Plague Doctois. They've abandoned. Wait, doc troyes? Doctuary. They go, and then they went with Ratatouille 3 colon

Plague Doctois. Huh? I know, I know, I know. But it was straight to DVD. Yeah, Disney straight to DVD. Yeah. So, these, you have these motivational guys and people just like frantically writing down their notes.

But the moment you could tell the moment they're like, step one, invent your product. You could just see every note, but just slam shots of us off. For my sake. I thought you were going to tell me. I thought you were going to tell me how to make money. It's such cheap.

I thought me and these other 3,000 men were all going to become billionists. But only I'd listen enough. When they write down the phone number, I thought I'd be the any person writing down the phone number of the bus. But it's happened when Katie had to give a talk at a comedy conference a couple of years back. Oh, yeah. I think we spoke about this on the pod and sort of like, well, how do you end up?

It was all people working in different parts of the industry. So it was like Rosie Holt was there in a capacity as like a performer. And somebody who's had like viral success. Then there was someone who was like a producer at the BBC. Katie was there as like a comedy TV writer sort of thing. and everyone's given her own perspectives. But when people were like, how do I get a job writing TV comedy?

Katie was like, I mean, you try and get a job as like a runner and you just work your way up to assistant producer. And you can just sort of everyone switch off at the moment of, you just have to get a job. Like, you have to start doing a job that isn't this. And because every man in that room, every man over 50 wanted her to say,

you call this number. Someone will pick up and they'll say, do you want a job and you say yes. Yeah. And that's how you get it. Or they've all heard the same anecdote, about one of the two runnies writing for themselves anonymously. Yes.

Or like Eric Sykes or someone where it's like, and do you know, he would just leave his jokes by the kettle because he knew that that's the kettle they used when they made tea, and they would see them by the kettle and they love them so much. They said, whoever wrote this, they can have a job. Yes. There's always some completely bollocks, show-busy, like anecdote from over half a century ago. Yeah.

Almost 100 years, like 80 years ago. And the conclusion of a story, as always, Ronnie Barker was essentially Walter White. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, a really like Machiavellian. Yeah. Even in as late as the 90s or the 80s, you get these stories where it's like, well, this weird guy wouldn't stop posting us jokes. And they were pretty good. So we let him come in.

And that was a little man called, and then they'll say a name. And you go, huh? And they'll go, John Winter Barrow. Yeah, yeah. He wrote all seven... From Little Norman? He wrote all seven series of Little Norman. Yeah, yeah.

He wrote... Whistle on the mother. Whistle on the mother. It was his. Although he didn't write the last four series. Mo the barley. Moe the barley. And one that has to be the writing on the wall.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Come on. Yeah, it's always a phrase. It's always like he wrote for better for worse. Yeah, yeah. And it's about a professional bride and groom What do you mean? Buy cheap, buy twice?

Where he runs the discount shop? Yeah, cheap at half the price was one. But his glasses never work? No, do you remember? John went to about it. And that was a drama. Yeah, I remember listening to an interview of John Cleese years ago.

It's a guaranteed way to get annoyed. Any interview with him. It's so bizarre when he was talking about how it's like we all finished university and we went to the, we demanded a meeting at the BBC and we said we wanted a TV show. And the BBC, the head of a BBC, he said, well, he seemed angry at us.

He said, what is your TV show? And we said, what do you mean? He said, well, what is it? Is it a drama? Is it a comedy? You do songs, sketches, stand up? What is it? And he said, we hadn't thought about that.

We said, we don't know. And the BBC Commissioner was so angry. And he said, for God say, you don't know what you're making. And he said, take 24 episodes and get out of my office. And we left? And we were furious. Only 24 episodes. We were livid.

You and I know people who are... You and I know the advice that some people who got famous in the 80s gave to their kids in comedy. Oh, yeah. And not posh people. No.

Someone who was very famous in the 80s said to their kid, just go to Blank Channel and say 9 p.m. on Friday night. What else have you got 9 p.m. on a Friday night? We want to slot there. And it was just like,

it doesn't work like that. No, like, okay. sorry, okay, sorry, I realized we're from a different era. And the next day, sat back down again, we're like, ask for 10 p.m. on a Friday. How about that? Compromise, 10 p.m. on a Friday. That's all you have to ask for. I want a million.

I mean, okay, I want half a million pounds for my turts. But my parents who have no, no experience and no, have never known anyone who was in industry whatsoever would always suggest I do stuff like that. And like, well, why don't you write to, um... To Mr. Netflix. Be like, wouldn't you write to Jamie Bell, the boy from Billy Elliot, and ask if you can do his next role instead of him? I'd be like, what do you mean?

And when I'd say no, they'd go, well, you can't complain in a few, yeah, you don't ask you don't get. And I'd be like, that's mentally ill behaviour is what you're suggesting. It's dangerous. What I'm doing is dangerous. For my generation, that's mentally ill behaviour. Yeah, can I replace you? Because we're not from this time where it was like, there's hardly anyone to do all these job.

Who's going to sing in the Rolling Stones now? Yeah. Oh, golly. No, it's full. Everything's full. Yeah. That's so annoying. Bordeaux Airport.

Oh, this is not completely worth it now. Just made me... See if you can guess. Okay. See if you can guess. You had a really bad sandwich. Yeah. No, that's not the story.

But I wish it was. Yeah. A sandwich and it was bad. Good night, everyone. Needless to say, I had the lunch. Last bite. So one thing that they offered that could be heated up was like a visual rip-off of a McMuffin.

Okay, yeah. So eggs, bacon and a slice of American cheese and two weird muffany things. What do you think that was called? Okay. And it wasn't called. It was a bit of jambon, with an elf,

with a little bit of fromage. Why are with cheese? No. It's a weird name. The Le Pen special. No, no. The McCombie. The McPetain.

Yeah. No, what was it? Just called The Morning. Took a photo of it. I was very tired, but I was really laughing. Sorry, could I have The Morning, please. You could have all six hours. The morning.

Help yourself. The morning. Would you call this sandwich? The morning. The morning is a, it sounds like a boss in like Metal Gear Solid or something like that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, or a spell? Yeah, I had it.

I'm having a dream years and years ago where I was in London with a group of friends in this dream and we saw something like clatter through the sky, like asteroid sort of the house of parliament, just demolished Big Ben. And we tried to get as close as we could. The police had cordoned it off. And we were like, what just came down from the sky?

And a police officer was like, I'm not really meant to tell you. We think it might have been an angel. And it kind of rose up. And it looked like Willie Wonka. Leaked pictures of heaven. Like a big top hat, like purple suit. And he had a, he had a, he had a, wooden eye, like Mad Eye Moody, and one of his legs was, uh, was Missy. He had a wooden leg,

which he operated, a wooden leg of joints and everything like that, but obviously he wouldn't work on its own. So next to the leg on the side of his hip was a crank handle that he turned to rotate his leg in time with his other leg, and he was called The Magic. I had this dream when I was about 14, and I was like, everyone else I know is having sex dreams. And mine is about an angel called the magic. Why did they have a wet dream to this? who's like chasing everyone. It was terrifying.

The magic. The magic. So annoyingly meaningless. You're like, I can't even put an interpretation on this. What the fuck am I? There's too much information. Yeah. If you had just said, I had a dream, an angel crash into the House of Parliament.

Yes. There's a lot of symbolism there. Oh, yeah. Religion versus politics. Bear of mind, this would have been like, also, a couple of years post 9-11. Oh, yeah. Okay, that's a concern about the safety of London. probably would have been around about the same time as like July 7.

Like, probably... But, rising up like Willy Wonka? A character from a Japanese... An anime? Yes. The magic. The magic. Oh, man.

So humiliating. I'd watch it, though. Yeah. I can see this in... Compeels me, though. Compeels me, though. The magic. Why does it crank his leg, so...

I would watch it as a Japanese anime thing where it's like, God, you know, they had to hand-animate all the clouds of dust around the magic as he emerges from the houses of Parliament. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I was thinking, speaking of Japanese cuttings, I was thinking on the way here,

George Orwell's anime farm. And it's like all hentai. But it's all hentai, and the slogan is, two tentacles, good, four tentacles very good. That is very nice.

And they looked from tentacle monster to school, girl. Yeah. They couldn't figure out which was which, but they were now the same. Oh, fucking hell. That's very good. I'd really like the kind of... Like intro to another episode of Georgia Wells Anime Farm.

Alameda fun. Lots of guitar and like Evangelion. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. We should do some correspondence. Let's do some correspondence. Mail, letter, post, message, emails, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, not non. We got some AI slop from Bones Paints.

From Instagram. Hello, sloppy. Hello, sloppy. So it's an AI slop of a cat on a kind of old-timey phone. Like a two-hander? No, but like the kind of phone that came out just after that. Okay. Yeah, just post that.

1930s phone. Rotary phone with a big cradle. Yeah, yeah. And it's a cat with glasses sitting in a kind of fancy armchair like holding up the phone to it. Yeah.

It's weird. The sod, beefy, has loads of toys that have like a phone like that. He's got like a toy car that's got like a phone at the end of it. They're always like a plugged in landline. Yeah. Because he's setting you up, you'll never have this.

Otherwise, like kids' toys would just be oblongs. Yes, yeah, yeah. Well, of course, there's the oblong I work on. There's my talking oblong. I've got a series of coloured blocks. But it's all just, oh, you may as well have like a big yellow and orange mangle. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course, an inflatable gas lamp re-lighter for the children to play with it.

Yes, yeah, yeah. So the cat's on the phone, and the caption is, if your phone doesn't ring when you are fighting, don't answer. Hang on. if your phone doesn't if your phone doesn't if your phone I have so

my my biggest blind spot in terms of like stupidity is when if a sentence has multiple like doesn't and ums I have to I have to get a pen and cross them out and see how many cancel out that's what I have like

I remember a teacher a supply teacher telling someone off when I was in like year two and they They said something to his boy like, Are you not un-stupid? Or something like that. It was like, wait. So those to can't, are you stupid?

Yeah. No. Are you not claiming to be the least stupid person here, you idiot? Yes, it's that. It's, yeah. Are you not uncompromising? Are you not uncompromising? Am I compromising?

I am. I am uncompromising. I'm uncompromising. I'm uncompromising. No, it's yes or no. It's hard, isn't it? Are you not? Well, it's one of those questions where yes or no would both be ambiguous, depending on...

Yes, it's like asking someone, aren't you feeling well? Yeah, yes or no. They're both... Yes, I'm not feeling well. No, I'm not feeling well. I've never got my head rounder ever. So this, read it out again. If your phone doesn't ring when you're fighting, don't answer.

If your phone rings when you're fighting... And then there's a line below in a different font, like it's a different sentence. Okay. When you are winning. What? So I'm going to say it, the capitals in a more officious way. If your phone doesn't ring when you are fighting, don't answer when you are winning. What it feels like has happened is the top line has scrolled up too high and it's now made its way to the bottom line.

I've pictured, this has been written on, those old-school hand towels you get in a bathroom where you have to pull it down with both hands. and it gets fed back in. I can't begin to decipher that. It's just gibberish. It is just gibberish. If your phone doesn't ring when you are fighting, don't answer when you are winning. Sometimes it is fun to send people

stuff like that and you'll enjoy this. That hurts. Yeah, because at seven in the morning, blurry-eyed, they fill in the wrong briefly going, I can't. I nearly wanted to do this earlier. We were in a WhatsApp group where someone in the group had posted

a news article about someone who was, a runner and they soiled themselves during the run, was it? Yes, yes, yes. There was a recent thing like in the news. It was a controversial because they just kept running, I think, with a pants full of shit. Right, okay. Probably making a mess. Right.

But they didn't stop, you know, they... Got it, okay. But I wanted to in that group briefly be like, well, you could say she turd her way into shit run. Today we'll go, sorry. She turd her way. It nearly sounds like something, but I don't know what. It sounds like she shit her way into turd place. Because your brain's going third, turd, third in a race.

Into shit, what's park run, but, no, it can't be bad. If you'd have sent that to the group, I'd have tried to, I'd have gone, I'll read that after I've had a shower. See if I can figure it out. You're very, don't talk to me until I'm a morning coffee. You are very much that kind of guy. That is your personality. Definitely. Incredibly.

Oh, no, yes, that is morning coffee yet. Incredibly rude thing to say. Oh, that is horrible tat. Yeah, thank you for that awful slop. Office tat from Natalie, dear sirs, this is stuck to the fridge of my office kitchen, and I'm not sure I can continue working here. I don't know who made it, and it's probably best I never find out. Love the part, Natalie.

So, it's a picture of a camera. It's a picture of a cow. So, what's like, it's a laminated sign cellar tape to an office fridge. Okay. There are pictures. A cow. Some almonds. A halved coconut.

Can you guess what it's going to be about? Oh, okay. So hang on. This stuff comes up on, what I've realized is, I mean, Twitter is impossible to go on now. It is impossible to. Yeah. It's nonsense. It's either, like, extreme, like, illegal levels of violence.

It's like snuff film. or... It's like going through records in an abandoned building in the distant future. Or it's purely rage bait and not like made to anger you

but it's just someone very clearly making things wrong so it'll be something like a girl I work with genuinely thinks a minute is 30 seconds twice and then of replies are like sorry what do you

what do you mean? Yeah, what do you? And they'll be like I don't know, I don't know you tell me. Yeah. So you go oh fuck off like you've got

just trying to upset me. So that they'll sometimes be like say it'll be like a sun-fewing Flower, gnome, football. Try and say it fast enough and see what... What celebrity do I mean? Sunflower Nomebill.

Who's Sunflower Nomeble? Who's Sunflower Nomeble? Flower Numbull. Flower Numbull, the Peruvian singer. So what was it? It was cow almond... So there's a caption that says what the sign is about. But can you guess what the sign is going to be about? Okay, so cow and almonds is obviously almond milk.

It's going to be an almond milk thing. What are the pictures again? Cow almond and coconut. Oh, okay. It's all your types of milk, baby. Yeah, sure. It's about milk. Yes.

The caption above these pictures. That's kind of what this podcast is really. Yeah. It's about milk. Look, it's about milk. Yeah, it's kind of one of a leading leisure milk podcasts around. It's the top milk podcast. Well, it's the top anti-murder milk podcast.

Yeah, chatting milky with Pierre and Glenn. Now, we've been chatting milky, all right. Chatting something milky. Chatting milky. Feeling silky. I have actually, when I pour the, when I pour milk on the wretched cereal in the morning, instead of saying, say, when or stop, he now knows to say, Melky.

Really? To signify, that's enough milk. It's become a thing in the house now. Melky. By being funny and weird, you've, your kids are going to go to school with the equivalent of so many little, like, landmines in their shoes. Well, no, no, this is it. For them to trip off.

I almost have to sit him down like an abusive parent and go, don't tell anyone about what happened at home today, right? You keep everything we talk about home is a secret. We only speak like this at home. Yeah, yeah. You can't just go to school and go, milky. Or makes a reference to some horrible character you've made up. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The magic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one else at school will know about the magic, and they don't find him as fun as we do. So, it's types of milk on a fridge. And above these pictures, it says, milk, M-I-L-K. What do you think M-I-L-K stands for?

Oh, Bray. Brilliant. Now we're finally going to have an answer to what the acronym milk stands for. I've always wanted to know, because every time you see it and branding, it's always got false stops between, like it's the Friends font. What a Friends stand for? Why did they... Phoebe. Yeah. Right. Rachel. Rachel. Eddie. I, Joey. I, like, I Claudius.

It's Monica. It's Monica. Yeah. And then Nigel, Danny and Celine. who weren't really in the show a great deal. They drowned in the fountain in the intro. Yeah, you can see them. You see the three elderly friends. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Ties of milk. So, milk stands for. What do you think milk stands for? This is an office fridge, remember? Martin Ian Luther King. Martin Clunes is Luther King. Maybe?

Yeah. West End show? Okay. So, my milk, does M stand for milk? M stands for milk. The M in milk stands for milk. And the M in that milk. Yes.

Stends for milk. And the M in that milk. And then you just throw up. Did I tell you, the hardest day... Comprehending infinity. The hardest day ever laughed in an NCT class before the Ret was born. Yeah? It was like 2021.

And they told you how babies were made. It was all over the zoo. You couldn't believe it. It was all over Zoom, and particularly how babies have been made. But they had a big acrostick on the side of a screen. And I was killing myself laughing at the idea of a group company project. I want to mock this up with, like, the word daffodil clearly running down the side of the page. And then each thing stands for another thing.

And then at the end going, so, if ever you get, just remember, diarrhea. And you've circled D, a minute, enough. I halfway across the page in an A and a. So, this is not dissimilar to that. So the M and milk stands for milk. Milk is, like,

oh, no. Love, lovely, lovely, is Ledley King. Lovely. Lovely. Milk is like,

no, it's not like. Lumpy. Lumpy. What and love. Lampi King. Is left. Left is closer. It's office stuff, remember?

Yeah, so it is Lee. Milk is lonely. Colin? Okay. Colin, German Colin? I don't know. Milk is low. Milk is low.

Okay. K. K. K. K. They work in the Klan's main office. Milk's low, Klan. Okay, okay, okay, I'll get from Loke.

Hey, Hey, what's up, Klan. Hi, Klan. Instead of saying hi, everyone. Yeah. So listen up, Klan. Milk is low. A Klansman sitting on the chair the wrong way around.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, let's gather around, Klan. Here's the news. Stay out of school. Milk is low. Criplace. Criplace. Criplace.

What is it? Milk is low. Keep calm and buy some. No! No! No! Milk! Milk is low. And M is for milk is for milk.

It's for milk is for milk. Keep calm and buy some. And what they mean is, if milk is low. They don't mean... I think they're warning forever that milk is forever low. Like, if milk is low, buy some. But the idea of keep calm and buy some. Shit.

To the point where, if I'd been alive in World War II, I'd have seen that sign and been like, that's so basic. It's so basic that you've got this sign. Well, they didn't release it. They didn't know. They thought it was too shit and tweed. It was basic back then. There was too basic for the public of the 1940s.

Yeah. Keep calm and buy some. Do you think that that person leaves that sign up all the time? Or when they see the milk is low, they'll go and go get the sign for this. And in the time they've done that, they could have gone and bought some fucking milk. Yeah.

And it might work for other things as well. Mousetraps. Mint toothpaste for brushing your teeth at work. Wait. Mikanos, if the sea levels are rising. Mikanos is... Sorry, I was trying. trying to figure out if mint toothpaste was in the, if mouse traps stood for.

I just had a kind of little stroke there when I was trying to figure out what the fuck. Mouse traps stood for. Just remember, mouse traps, marionettes. Milk standing for milk is like something in severance. Milk is milk. Milk is milk. Milk stands for milk. Milk stands for milk. We never know what the M stood for. Just remember, I, ilk. So, the first. The phrase, what we can introduce is the sign on the fridge says,

milk is low, keep calm and buy some is low, keep calm and buy some. Because you've had to say the milk acronym for M, which is that. Hang on. M, milk is low, keep calm and buy some milk. Is low, keep calm and buy some milk. It just goes on forever. Do you remember the correspondence we had of the person who, as a trick-a-loo, convinced, even like a friend or a relative,

that milk was, originally, it was spelled like, m milk. Because it was so nice. Mm, milk. Mm, ilk. The ilk of that is something else delicious. Of that ilk.

That's so horrible. This is disgusting. We had a good, what do we call this? Sarah got in touch with me on Instagram. Hello, Sarah. My current pointless but satisfying project is simply walking as silently as I can, like a ninja, just in general.

Just as a kind of pointless... I do this. I do this. Yeah? Yeah, just see how quiet you can be. How quiet can I be? Yeah. Just as a means of just sometimes around the house. And just testing it for when you need it.

Yeah. For instance, coming back late and everyone's asleep. But also just being like, oh, if I was walking on a bed, could anyone hit? Could I be a silent? I completely get this. So, okay, this is good. So, Sarah says, it might be a good thing to ask the other pod buds. What is your current pointless but satisfying project?

sort of like an educational or practice tricklew on yourself. Yeah, nice, okay. Pointless projects, like trying to see how quietly you can walk. Yeah. I always try, well, is this rare project? If I butter bread, I'm trying to go for, like, the most perfect even spread. With one? With one.

Oh, that's good. Like a race car. Yeah. Like without lifting the knife. Sometimes I'll time away. Yeah? If I know it's going to be really long, if I can get it over like a minute and a half,

I'm like, wow, that's a good, that's solid. That's a length of a 60s song. I could have heard all about that guy's 14-year-old girlfriend. In the time it's taken me to. While handling myself. In the time it's taken me to empty my bladder. Yeah, yeah. We'll get thinking about this for next week.

I really like this as a thing. In terms of not trying to be quiet, but how you might be perceived in public, I was perceived weirdly in public twice. and I'll tell this on the Patreon. Okay. Yeah. That's nice.

Well, that's all the time we have guys' promo. My Soho Theatre Run starts on the 21st of September. That, by the time you hear this, is less than a week away. And I would love for you guys to come see it. It's the new show that I just did at the fringe. So it's never been done in London properly before. And I would love to see some pod buds there. We've also got a bunch of Bud Pod Pod Lives coming up.

Clapham Grand, the cheerful earful podcast festival, the 10th of October, Saturday at noon. Yes, I am in Devon the previous night. Horrible. So I'm working out whether or not to bomb it back or wake up at 5 in the morning and drive to London. Hideous. Hideous. Brighton Comedia.

So in Brighton, October the 14th. Yes, where we all, as a trio, me, Pierre and Felipe, may stay at my parents' house potentially. We may. We may. Bath Comedia, November the 3rd, 2026. So if you are out west, partner, come and see us in Bath. had it confirmed yesterday, we'll be staying overnight, at our friend Tom's house. Oh, sorry, Tom's parents' house.

Tom's parents' house. Well, well, well, well, well, well. Those are the Budpod Lives, and we hope to see you there.