BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E67 | Cause of Ghosts

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

This week the buds discuss Baggins' bags, Australian movie ratings, The Fellowship of the Ring, The Mask and correspondence.This week's sketch: 'Shinerol'Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back!Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival - October 10, 2026 - Tickets available https://www.tickettailor.com/events/cheerfulearful/2230576Brighton Komedia - October 14th, 2026 - Tickets available - https://www.tickettailor.com/events/cheerfulearful/2378930Bath Komedia - November 3rd, 2026 - Tickets available https://komediabath.co.uk/events/128649554-budpod-live-2026-11-03-19-00-00/Catch Pierre live at the Soho Theatre! September 21st - October 1st - Tickets available - https://sohotheatre.com/events/pierre-novellie-okay-one-more-then-bedtime/Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVVote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Attention Podbuds. We've got a double plug for you. If you missed my new show, okay, one more than bedtime at the Edinburgh fringe, then do not worry it is coming to London and it is in London from the 21st of September. So that's really soon. The 21st of September all the way to the 1st of October. And speaking of October, Budpod Live is on the 14th of October in Brighton. another Budpod Live to add to your list. So we have the 10th of October, that's London. Midday, Clapham, be there. This is the new one we're adding, 14th of October. That's in Brighton. South Coast, come on in from your little swim in the horrible cold sea and check us out. And then if you are in Bath, we will also climb into the Bath with you on the 3rd of November. So there are three Budpod lives scattered around the foot of England And hopefully we'll see you at all of them And if I don't see you at them

I would love to see you at OK, one more than bedtime 21st of September to the 1st of October at Soho Theatre So that's soon, soon, soon. It's Budpot 67. Unlucky for some. Presumably. I was so sure you were going to do some 6-7 thing. No.

That's already dead, isn't it? Do you think the Prime Minister can kill memes by doing them? Yes, Andy Burnham hasn't done it, has he? No, he's focused on being likable. Yes. No, but that's what every politician was trying to do when they did stuff like that. And actually, I think politicians are still a few years away from doing it. I remember Michael Gove challenging who, I think Keith Vaz.

Wow. In like 2050. challenging him to a gangnam style. So I think we're just going to do the galloping thing. It was like four years after the song had gone. And it didn't make any sense to do. I challenge you to a gangnam style. Gangnam's at dawn.

That gave me the same feeling as a leg break in a sports game. Yeah. Yeah, we don't want to see that. We won't be showing replays in the newspaper. I don't even really like hearing about it happening. I'm wincing just at the description of, you know, the angle that the knee was at. Oh, God. Yeah.

I met Michael Gove. You worked for him, didn't you? Yeah. I powdered his wigs. Yeah, he was the Yoda to your... I was... Cocaine more, I must have. And then Michael Gove got all small and went into his hut and never came up.

out. Get a bag in we should. That's, it's more, it sounds more like, not wholesome, but like homemade if someone with that voice is going, should we get her bag in? It's like something from a, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Hobarton.

Shire, get a bag in. You can't be getting any drugs around here. They're over over town in Hobbes. That's what he's called, Bilbo Baggins. Yeah. He's always getting the bag in. You love of the halflings leaf clearly slowed your mind.

Your love of the half-lings' powder has clearly sped up your mind. Gandalf rolling up his baggy sleeves to tap a vein. A wizard wakes up when he means to, exactly when he means to it, not before. Yeah, yeah. Smackhead Gandalf. That's the username of someone who would have wiped out our squad in war zone during lockdown. Smackhead Gandalf. Smackhead Gandalf.

Did you get killed by him too? Yeah. He's like the low. local character. Yeah, dresses as a wizard. Big long beard. Dresses as a wizard.

Self fireworks. Has a bunch of fireworks. I've got fidget spinners as well. American candy? I've got DVDs. Would you like some steak, some lamb? It's got all meat in his robe. I'm setting up a meat raffle by French birthday

No in contact, no VAT. Well, that was one of the funniest moments in only fools and horses history when Gandalf fell through the bridge of Kazad. Play it cool, you fools. After all, why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I cut another line? Bilbo, you've still got my baggie in your pockets.

Oh, I must have... Curious a thing. Yeah, everyone's gradually trying a bit of smack over the course of the film. Obviously, it causes Bilbo's face to go wrong. Yeah. They don't explain the biology of what happened there. Can his face always just do that if he needed to? If he stubs his toe.

If he sees his toe. If he sees a little bit of him. a free-to-play game demo. Anything that tempts him. It's golemification, isn't it? Because we know that having the ring for too long makes you a gollum. Oh, yeah. It doesn't make you a gollum. It makes you

a gollum. I think a gollum is a... But it didn't happen to the guy Elrond... Cust it at the fire! Destroy it! No. That guy, I can't remember his name. Yeah. The human king. He didn't look like a gollum. I guess.

he got hit by an arrow too early on. Yes. To really corrupt him. But didn't the kings of men become the fucking, the no-face screamers? What are they called again? Blanking. Nasgall? Yeah.

Those are the kings of men. Oh, they're the nine kings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you're a human, the ring makes you a Nazgul. If you're a hobbit, it golems you. Yes. Makes you a gollum. Yeah.

If you are a dwarf, it makes you into... Is it like rock-paper scissors? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If your dwarf, it makes you into Jay Leno. Yes. Or your beard falls off and you have a big chin underneath. You start asking people if they've seen this, heard about this. It's very frightening.

Like with grey skin and bags under your eyes. He seen this? Yeah, I forgot that the Nanskel used to be kings. Yeah. And Sauron, in a bid to find a ring, fucking needle in a haste up behavior. It goes, send me nine of my blindest men. I want nine guys with no faces. And no sight.

Who can only do things at night time. Yeah. And they'll find it. And no one, and I can't emphasize this enough, no one will cooperate with them. They won't ask, let's form a search party. They don't do that.

They just ride around murdering anyone who gets in their way, so they're really not incentivizing, you know, community cooperation. Just find the gollum. Find your nearest gollum. And you're nearest golem. Go on to your local council website if you don't know where your nearest gollum is,

there will be a map. When Liv Tyler's character, Arwen, manages to sort of... She's with Frodo on the horse, and she... About halfway through the first film. Yeah. And she managed to cross that river,

and then a big, magic water horses wash the NASGAL away. Yes, yeah. But they say, it's really... I had to look up the subtitles even as a kid, because they say, give us the halfling she elf.

But they sound like they're saying shea. And at the time, I thought it was so progressive at the Nazgal to use the correct pronouns for Arlen. I thought they were saying, give us a halfling, she her. Yeah, you don't have to do that. It's 2001. That's for in the future. We're well ahead.

Yeah. One of the most progressive films. She elf. Yeah. Like, is it, that's not a slur? But so an elf is only a man, it's like saying a cock. Like a cockhand, like a, what do you call it, a rooster? Yes.

I thought you're saying cockhand. You know, cockhands. Give us the hobbit dickhead. Bellant. They're really rude as well. The ring makes you really horrible if you're a human, really antisocial. Sostas tomato. It was nice, crispy bacon.

What are you doing, you fuckhead? You div! Sorry, Sam. Fucking der brains. Oh, sorry, Sam. You've been a cunt this whole time. Now, fuck off. Fuck off back to the Shire.

Norm's De Frodo. Borrima's picking up the ring for the first time in the snowmatter. That's fucking mega that is. Feel the way to that, that's fucking mad. Feel the way of this bastard ring. The ring can cut the blade. Fuck. Jesus.

fucking cries. I know who got a napkin. You've got a napkin. It truly makes, it truly warps you. Yeah. The power of it. I can be slain by no man,

dickhead. Yeah. Is there any need for that kind of language? Yeah. Stop calling around. 15. Yeah. Contains strong language.

I, because I bought the DVD of Fellowship of the Ring when I was in Australia as a kid. And I remember obviously had different. Strong zone. But it worked in the UK. Oh.

Yeah, it's all fun. Don't you worry. I still own that DVD. It's the only DVD I still own because I was like, I just, I, such a vivid experience, I remember buying it specifically. Yeah. And Australia age ratings are very, very different to the UK. Yeah. Strict on stuff as well.

It's a very strict country. People like to imagine a lanky lariken. Lysai Fair. Yeah. Hey, chill, you know. Surfing and stuff. Oh, they're very. It plays...

Strict. Havoc for this product, this feels like it's a button boy's conversation. Don't worry, it isn't. Okay. But it plays havoc with the video game industry because use of potions and injecting syringes is seen as drug use and it gets an instant ban.

Wow. Yeah. That is some fucking Belarus shit you expect. There are some really tame games that have received like flat-out bands in Australia because of that sort of thing. But I remember. I remember buying the Lord of the Rings DVD, and it was, it was their equivalent of like a sort of 12A, PG-13 sort of thing, a company, you've got to be accompanied by an adult. Yeah.

And it said, it contains supernatural themes and threat, is what it says. And I remember sort of thinking that the idea that a parent would stop their kid from watching it because they're fine with strong language of violence or anything like that. But the idea of the, if it addresses themes of the supernatural. Yeah. Do you have a kid who is so afraid of only guys? ghosts that this is going to fuck their life. Is that for that parent to look and go, oh well, little Timmy, he's such an anti-ghost child? I guess as a kid, ghost is a big one.

Because I think it's addressed fairly early on that, you know, werewolves and regular aren't going to be an everyday concern. They're not going to be an everyday concern. No, no, no. Unless you live in Romania. Or a Frankenstein or a mummy. Exactly. Yeah, I'm not in Egypt. Yes.

I don't have to worry about those guys. Yes. Whereas ghosts anywhere. Anyone who's ever died anywhere. And I think that that feels a more... You're being told they can pop up literally fucking anywhere and they're invisible until they don't want to be. Okay, this is the worst one then. And their whole objective is to frighten you.

That's all they want to do. It's to go, ooh. And we don't even know why. Yes. If we knew why, that would be less scary. Because you could say, oh, the ghosts want to frighten you so that you recycle more. And you go, I'll just do it anyway. I'll do it now so they don't have to come.

But you don't have to come. I'm already doing it. I'll fulfill their objectives. Well, that's why we have blue bins because the 90s was full of ghosts. And Blair, I know, we give him a lot of shit. But that was his idea. Look, new labor, yeah? Cool Britannia. Oasis at number 10.

No more ghosts. Exorcisms, exorcisms, exorcisms. Tough on ghosts. Tough on causes. For haunting specter of John Major, it was going to, boo! No. Tony Blair, exorcist. Yeah.

What a fucking petrol station DVD find that is. Tony Blair is next to lesbian vampire killers. We've got a... Is that a Horn and Corden film? Tony Blair Exorcist. It's a Coulshore and... Yeah. Oh, it's a Bremneburden Fortune film.

Yes. They finally let them do a film. Yeah, your mother invades Iraq in hell. What? What? But it's a reference that people love. Yeah, the little girl is just, what, Thatcher? It's hard to figure out where the sketch goes.

Thatcher's famously rotating. Yeah. With the devil, I only need four hours sleep. That's why in the Exodus, she looks like shit. We've four hours sleep. She's knack and she's naked. Exhausted. Yeah.

Got my head spinning. I was so tired I went down and stairs backwards. Because she was sleepy. He was like lying down. Yeah, if you don't sleep, your neck gets baggy and your head starts to be able to turn all the way. That would be an advert for like fucking night nurse. Yeah. And he's got to Power of Christ and Pills.

She goes, stop splashing me of water. It's keeping me away. Stop it. The girl who looks like that going down the stairs backwards and screaming and throwing her. growing up, and it would be like, feeling the effects of tiredness. Sound familiar. It's no sleep. Hard getting sleep.

Yeah, and then it can end with her going, ah, and it's just a normal Linda Blair. Yeah. And she, hey, that was her name in real light, Linda Blair. She was a blare, well, well. And it just shows her looking more relaxed with like a cup of horlicks or whatever. And she goes, ah. And then it does the classic advert, radio advert thing of going, so you can get a good night's sleep.

I meant wha, wah, wah. Yeah. Or at least try to. Oh. Because you have radio voice, so that just cuts me to my core. It's happening for real. It's live in front of me. Or try to.

It's all. It's all about smiling with your voice. Oh, my God, I hate it. So. I will say, when I was on Absolute, I've said this before, it was, there were only a couple of ads like that. It was mainly furious-sounding cockney men bellowing at me about. tools of van insurance or yeah

thinking of hanging yourself well Wix has got an amazing range of ropes no no no no it's wrong build your own stew lay bled yeah yeah

I I know look just a safe time I might I would so tempted just to say to some sort of AI I'm sure there's an AI that can do this

I want to hear Gandalf singing the only fools and horses theme tune. I can't do a good enough Gandalf to do it myself. Yeah. Is there a Gandalf in person or I could hire? Maybe. There's a really weird bit in the Fellowship of the Ring. Yeah. Where?

I think it might be either when Gandalf says to Frodo, and Godin's been following them. Follow us for three days. Yeah. And then it's either the beginning of that conversation or the end of that conversation where he goes, if in doubt, always follow your nose. there's one bit in that scene there's one shot

where he's got an enormous nose and I'm not making this up bulbous not like long not like long lengthways I mean just like he's got a really large circular nose and it looks like prosthetic it's really strange

what there's one shot I can't be alone in thinking this there's like they film that scene first and thought that looks silly so for the future ones let's get rid of it but we can't film that bit again he's just in one shot

he's got a big nose are they trying to imply that he sort of nose ambiguous to like make his nose smell better? As a kid, that's what I thought it was. Or maybe it was just Peter Jackson's way of fucking us up. I mean, I think I've said this before,

that I wonder if that third film in the series would have won all those Oscars. If like mid-battle, or like just as he's climbing up Mount Doom, Elijah would turns for the camera just for a split second and goes, you know, it's fucking bullshit, right? And just keeps going to...

You like this, do you? We're acting, yeah. Do you like this? Nerds. That's a tennis ball. Yeah. Peter Jackson has got the same brain disease as a lot of people who make films his age, which is he thinks 3D is better than props.

He's so like, he's so like boomer entranced by 3D. Those new 3D orcs, he said, like, that's what he wished. Well, Legerlas was elf yourself. That's what he used, didn't he? It was a beast of photo of Elijah Wood's still face. That's why they're all dancing. Yeah. In Riven Toll, they're always dancing and it's awful.

It's always Christmas. That was one thing Tolkien can they go over. They have Christmas. They don't know what Christmas is. Those are just the colours they like in this universe, okay? Obviously, to us, it looks like Christmas. It's just a different thing. There's just purely secular.

It's all present. It's just different. Can't we just accept that this is a fantasy realm? Yeah, yeah. They watch the Great Escape. A big turkey. There's no jeezes. Every day.

Yeah, yeah. That's what they like. They're always full. That's the hard thing with fantasy, because you say it's fantasy, but everyone goes, yeah, but you're you and you're real. So you've come up with this based on something. Yes. And then you get into the whole debate. Yes, is this the debate about, for instance, like, well, why are they speaking English, but you then have to sort of take it a step back and go?

No, no, no, I'm translating it for you. Well, that's the Tolkien argument. He was like, look, I present these books as a translation project. and when they say potato, it's just the closest thing that word that we have to what they're talking about. Yes.

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Just a complete... Every time you say the title, I forget it. But it's so... It's set in the real world. Sword of stone men. Stone of knife, boy, heaven. It's not the Witcher world. It's like the real world, but there's vampires, a supernatural element.

And they've taken great pains to go, well, what was it like the 1400s and everything seems so accurate. But occasionally, when you slay a horrible beast, and you know, in video games, your character will always give him like a real slam afterwards or something like that. He keeps saying nightmare fuel. And I'm like, that's from about three years ago. Stop saying nightmare fuel.

I hate it. That's from online. I'd hate internet talk making its way into games and films. What's fuel? For you, what's fuel? Well, wood for a fire. Would they have said fuel? Yeah.

Really? Winter fuel. Oh. Good King Wenceslas. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think the problem for me is you can't, you can't like lampshaded?

I was stupid about fuck. Keep it in. The idiot. Glenn hates forgetting medieval etymologies. It makes him so ashamed. Lash me, Pierre. After, after. On the Patreon, on the Patreon.

On the Patreon. It's boat This part 60 Just me reciting the Old Testament Yeah Yeah, lashing the letters K-O-J-I into my back I forgot that you were spelling out

Kogi for a second I thought you were spelling out like King James Bible Wow, that is dark freaky Yeah, I haven't got enough space Of the final league Can you turn, can you show me a flank Yeah, I'm going to have to put it

Yeah Just under the armpit I hate that kind of internet talk coming in, especially when it's like, they're fighting vampires or something, and they're like, what are these like vampires? Oh, that's pretty spooky.

You can't know what is happening to you in this third person way. I want you to be afraid. I know you criticize me for doing like millennial stuff to annoy you, but that was disgusting. Yes, good. Oh, good.

No, I don't criticize you. I just, I hate like, you can do the equivalent of like conjuring, a vibe that goes right to, it's like an icicle to my hat. Just how hot? Yeah, I can stink from your soul. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, that really, I got a sense of the unhappiness I place in other people.

Just for a second. It's Robert Downey Jr. lines. That, yeah, for me, that was like a version of it's a wonderful life. Where he, I guess he sees what the world is like without him. and everyone's much happier. Yeah, the angel's like, I don't know why I showed you more that. If you need to jump, jump, that's, that was, that was bad of me. You didn't need to see that.

That, yeah. What I'm saying is your family are going to be fine. Don't worry. The, um... Yeah, it's like anyone, um, someone being flippant. That's, that's all the tone always is with these things. It's being, it's being flippant. Yeah, and I want to say, if you're being flippant, why should I care?

Yeah, there's this, um... expecting me to care that you're being chased by vampires, but you don't seem to give a shit. Yes. So clearly it doesn't matter. Exactly. The stakes are always low. And there's a,

I kept, for some reason, my algorithm was showing me this, it's AI slop and it doesn't immediately look like AI slop. Yeah. But the more you watch it, you go, this is slop. And what is, is it someone, there's an account that keeps making,

I would describe as Tim Burton-esque, by which I mean, like Batman Return. not Edward Cisorhands, not big curly, swirly buildings. I mean, Batman returns. Neon. But the mask. So the mask looks, as in Jim Carrey's the mask,

looks absolutely vile. And he's got just fully red eyes, and he's basically got fangs. And it shows him turning up in this little, tiny, black car. And he's always taking on disgusting versions of, like, big bird and other just IP, you know? Stuff from, like, teenage meat, Ninja Turtles, that sort of thing. And it all looks like a version of you.

And he commutes to these fights in a little black car. Yeah, and it's like in, apparently it's like the comic book version of the mask, which apparently is wretched. But do you remember in Batman begins where Batman puts Scarecrow's mask on Killeem Murphy? Yeah. And Batman looks horrible. Yeah. That's what they look like.

It's like the Batman maskification of Big Bird. It's that sort of thing. And these little clips are always of him just beating up Big Bird or whatever. And all the comments are always of him just beating up Big Bird or whatever. And all the comments are like, oh my God, turn this into a full movie. This is absolutely amazing. But you realize as he scroll through it, it's like they all follow the same pattern. It's such slop.

But it also, every time the mask walks in, he always says something like, he always says something like, Daddy's Home or Showtime or someone need a light. And it's always, and you go, this is so like, I hate that flippant. It's just bits. It's bit. It's like I was saying that ages ago. that all super villains... Are game show hosts. All super villains are game show hosts.

It's the only sense of humour. That is up there with Grinch videos are always in new builds. As some of the most devastating observational comedy... You never... But it's always... Ding, ding, ding! Our winner is! It's that.

They're just doing Paddy McGuinness. Why aren't they chefs? Yes. Yeah. Order up! You know, this stuff you could say. Yeah. I'm home!

Okay. Okay. You just... Sorry, did you only watch daytime TV? Yeah. Yeah, is it frightening that you're home? Is this your home? Yes.

Am I in your home? This is bad improv, man. Set the scene. What do you mean by this? What of it? It's not good dialogue if it can be devastated by any character going, What? Yes.

Like, how do you like them apples? Yeah. Yeah, anything like that. What do you mean? That's not clear. Do you like apples? What do you mean? Somebody stop me.

We're trying. We're fighting you. We're your enemies. It's unclear why. We're the police and we don't like that you're throwing used condoms around. You have a Tommy gun and yes, this is an open carry state, but not, but doesn't extend to 1930s mafia. Not for automatics. Assault rivals.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, loads of gun control. Like people going out and saying, no one needs a Tommy gun for hunting. No one needs a big cartoon RPG that they used to blow up a police car before they dance the samba on top of it with Maracas they've pulled out of nowhere. That's not reasonable. Our founding fathers didn't expect a big green man to come and shoot up an alleyway

filled with an ill-defined gang. The cops are here to keep us safe. and when you spin one round so fast that his clothes fall off, leaving him in a pair of shorts with pink hearts on them, you disrespect the Constitution, and I say not one more. This used to be a fine city before green-faced men in zoot suits started shooting up nightclubs where everyone seems to be dancing in a way that's not well-defined.

Why is it so popular? You disrespect our women. When you say hubba-hubba, open your shirt, your heart comes out, and your head turns into a wolf. Big green wolf man. I pledge

to rid this city of all big green-faced wolf men with Tommy guns and zootsets. That's the entire debate. Today's motion was struck down 58 to 48 in the Senate. Yeah, a lot of southern senators just say, this is about freedom,

freedom to be a big green-faced wolf man. It's been a problem in America for generations. Big problem. You can see grainy footage of Nixon in the 60s. Who many men with masks are bursting out of manholes with a big hammer, dressed like Frenchman. He slapped my cheeks so hard they... Blah!

I disgraced the name of the President's here. We're looking into whether or not we can send the green-faced man in Vietnam. He can cause cows for the commies. Oh, those watergate tapes. Henry, where are we on the green-faced man? Going to Nam. Yeah, it's got like the Ipkiss scandal or something. Yeah!

I'm an impkiss. As a kid, I fucking loved that film. Well, yeah, who didn't? There was a boy in my class at school for one who brought in a grenade. I don't remember that. Yeah, right. The deactivated souvenir grenade. It was a deactivated souvenir grenade, but the teacher seemed to react as if it was live.

And was so, and was like tense every time he was like, no, what you do is he pull the ring. To be fair, if the shittiest kid in my class was like, oh, yeah. Trust me that the grenade is fine. I'd be like, no. But he was like, this kid was mad and was very influenced by whatever the most recent film he'd seen. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So when he was like, there was one Friday where he was like,

oh, my mum and dad had taken me to see the mask tomorrow. Everyone in my class of collective, he was like, no! And sure enough, he would deliberately do something really naughty on the Monday. And when the teacher was like, what are you doing? He'd put his arms to one side and then try and, like, dash. obviously didn't work because he was a human boy. Yeah, he'd just, he just clump in his clumpy shoes. And he just wouldn't.

In his head, I think he was expecting to turn into a whirlwind and whizz out the room. And it didn't happen. And he was just devastated. What is that? Because I, everyone had that kid. Yeah. What is that? I think it's paranoid schizophrenia.

No. They're not zany. Yes. Sorry, the mask had paranoid schizophrenia. I, I mean, I don't know. He had an innate sense of wackiness, but easily influenced by films. The sort of person where you know that when they saw Toby McGuire Spider-Man, the first thing we did was go into their room and just flick their wrist out as much as they could.

Maybe it'll work for me. It's like, you know, not to sound like a Victorian physician, but it's like an excess of imagination. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. The imagination must be drained. I have a large ice pick who goes in just below the ice sock in. Yeah, when you see a clear fluid running, That is the child's imagination.

The boy's imagination is inflamed. Now, I can assure you, ma'am, Mr. Havelin, after this surgery, your son will have no more ideas. He will be clear of notions. You look at that stuff, medical stuff from the past, it's crazy how much of it is literally just. Oh, we put an ice pick in this person's eye Because they just wouldn't be quiet Yes You're like, oh

Well, the simplest solution is to remove a bit of their head And we'll hope that's the right bit As if their head is made up of like loads of Lego bricks And you go, I guess we'd remove that bit Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah That didn't work, okay, we'll put that one back Okay, we thought that was the trouble causing a bit Yes, yeah, we'll give us another guy

We have to remove more But the brain is kind of like that My, um, my mum No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. me out. Let me... I'm trying to make a tenuous link as opposed to going... Yes, Doctor. That is the brain, though, right?

We've all read the numskulls. You've got... You've got sports-debt, and that's the guy on a treadmill. It's got a whistle. Yeah. You shoot him. Yeah. You can't spot any more. Correct.

So, my... When I was... It's going to sound deadly serious, and it's fine. When I was seven years old, my mum had a really serious brain tumor. and had it not been operated on, she would have died, but the only way that the surgeon could remove it was by essentially severing the hearing in her right ear. Okay.

And my mum that has an aid that you cannot see that has basically transported, and she got that a couple of years ago, having been death for most of my life in one ear, she is basically just transported the hearing from a left ear into the right. It's incredible. She's now just got full hearing. Wow.

But it didn't, I mean, it wasn't a massive affair. It just meant that you just didn't sit on her right-hand side at dinner. Yeah. So that was the only, you know. But she wanted us to, she wanted my sister and I to understand what was going on. And the surgeon was quite famous and there was actually like some sort of channel four documentary made about him. So we all sat down and watched it. My mom was like, that's a guy who operates to me.

But they were showing basically how, how surgery works. And they would get someone to say someone they're about to operate on. And they're literally under an anesthetic. but they're like Ray Liotter and Hannibal, the entire top of their head is exposed. And the doctor would be like, okay, just start counting up to 10. The person would be like, one, two, three. And he would just like gently press him one bit of their brain.

They'd go, one, two, three. Yeah. And he'd let go four, five, six. Like, and so in my head, I'm like, well, there's bits that. They did that. The chest thing, like where the electrical activity was, while they showed someone with a whole exposed brain, like slides. Yeah.

And there's this one zone of your brain, really specific zone of you. your brain that lights up just with pictures of fruit or tools. Wow, proper orangutan stuff. Yeah, so this is just apples and hammers. From my past. Yeah. My great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather used to use those.

The more rudimentary, the more excited they get. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a sharp stick and a kind of slice of banana in half of that. A weird nut. Yeah. A prehistoric nut. Yeah, yeah. But how weird is that?

Well, I wonder if with chimps it goes the other way. Yeah. So if you show them like, um, Like a satellite. They get really exciting because they're like, whoa, that's my future. You show them,

if you show chimps a satellite and a porn gif, they go, and their brain tumbles out there. You haven't secured them enough. It's very worrying. It's strange with the, and then they turn themselves off. But that's the voice they make.

It's the first time we make a really human. Oh, fuck it out. Shit. Oh, oh, oh. Shit. I'm a you, banana, you give me eat banana, you go. Coco bird. Oh, cocoa.

The only celebrity that the ape kingdom recognizes is dead Robin Williams. We know that from Cocoa, allegedly being sad when she was told he was dead. which is not true. The lying ape. It's obviously fucking not true. It's such a funny. Stupid fucking.

How weird that Katie and I spoke about that yesterday. Really? Well, it was the wretch's, it's his birthday today. Ah, happy birthday, rich. And so we hosted his party yesterday. So he had loads of his friends. friends around and loads of the parents too. Wasn't as stressful as the movies

would make you believe. No. It turns out what you need is, so at the end of our garden in front of a shed there's like a cabin, the last people had built like a sort of summer house kind of thing. And we, that for us, renovating that is years

down the line. That's not a priority for us. So it's just a fully empty room. It's just there's nothing in it. Despite us putting up loads of decorations and stuff like that, putting out loads of activities, all the kids just wanted to do is just go into that empty room. Yeah. And so we didn't see them.

They were just at the end of the garden in this cabin. In the spooky house. And we heard the occasional scream, but good-natured scream. So it was like, okay, fine. And that's all, I mean, for rest it was fine. But Katie is a joke. When people were first arriving, there's a bookcase in the living room. And we've got a biography of Robin Williams.

And she was like, should we take that out just in case we have to inform any of the kids that he's died? So it's weird that that's come up twice in the last 24 hours. Telling a kid through guerrilla sign language. Yeah, Macaton. Through Macaton. Yeah, yeah. Using only the words, home, hungry, and poo.

Yeah. He's gone home in the sky. Too much poo. Too much poo. He went to the sky home. Well, yeah, the Robin Williams story is bullshit because, as we all know, Coco celebrated wildly upon hearing of Robb Williams' stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Cocoa. And managed to sign finally. And she fired her. okay in the air. They only give her blanks before anyone sounds fucking... Yeah, yeah. It's a gorilla AK.

It's for gorillas. Special. Mate, by gorillas for gorillas. By gorillas for gorillas. Yes. And it's by a company called like guerrilla warfare or something like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Finally. Yeah. It's, yeah, guerrilla warfare, colon, arm the apes. We should do correspondence. Yeah, let's do some correspondence. Mail, letter, post, message, email, notes, text, dispatches, SMS, and randoms, correspondence.

So, a pheromone warning from Sam. What? I thought that was real for a second. You got me. Hi, Pierre in Glenn's G-string. Oh. Air on a G-string. Pierre on a G-string.

What's air on a G-string? It's a famous musical piece. It's a classical music piece. Is it? Yeah, yeah. From like hundreds of years ago. It's not like, and so everyone now goes, ooh. They invented the G-string.

Because it was, I remember, actually, a question on who wants to be a millionaire? Where Chris Tarrant gave the four possible answers, and it was sort of like, wind on a thong. God's sake. and a very special antiques road show where we will be auctioning off having discovered Beethoven's G-string Just this really smelly leather G-string

With kind of Germanic writing on it Yeah right The writing is beginning to fade The idea that Some of the greatest and most beautiful pieces of music in history were composed by a man wearing this very thong He felt the vibration through his underwear

And that's how he was able to experience the music You couldn't hear the music But he could feel it through his cheeks And it's right on his very spot That Beethoven used to make it clap And they'd all be here In the concert house in Vienna Throwing it back

Making it clap And whining pondat thing Yeah We're not that far from a documentary About classical music where the guy talks like that, to try and make it fun. Oh, any Radio 4 documentary in the afternoon now is sort of like, and so when you think about it, Joan of Art was kind of a badass.

Just my soul. Yeah, Jesus was kind of history's first rapper when you think about it. Get me my gorilla. Gandalf saying to Frodo, hold out your hand. It's really cool. Sam says, Listening to the latest episode, I want to applaud Glenn

for his recent decision to take on the horrors of society and challenge them more directly. Yeah. I must, however, offer a word of caution as I've intervened with terrible people in the past, often to a middling reception. Okay.

A few years ago, I was in my local watching the playoff final. Yeah? Yeah. I'd been stood by the bar pleasantly talking to a bloke I didn't know about the game and enjoying the match. I like how vague this is.

Yeah. The playoff final could be League 2, League 1, We don't know. Who knows? United versus Town! Reds v. Blues! Pizza advert football. Reds v. Blues, my favourite.

Your favourite? Your favourite? Throughout it, though, a drunken woman had been mouthing off with a predictable, I say what I think, nonsense that can be expected by those gifted with a doth of wit or charm. This went on throughout the first half,

getting more and more offensive until she unloaded with who does that P-word play for? Because I'm not supporting them. Player, you can say it. Footballer. You harking player. Football player.

So the racial slur, P-word. The mood in the room shifted and I sensed my opportunity to become a heroic internet meme. Do you like it when people speak their mind, I inquired? Yeah, she grunted. Well, then why don't you shut the fuck up?

I announced to the crowd. Podbuds, they did not applaud. However, my new friend then drawled, that's my sister. Oh. Oh, no. Also, that was a real, how do you like that, that whole sort of situation? Do you like when people speak her mind? No.

Well. Nevertheless. Well, that's ironic because you speak your mind too much. I see. have arrived out armed. Good day, sir. In the morning, you'll be ugly. What?

Yes. I stayed out of grim determination, but a frosty second half ensued. Oh, no. Picture is such an annoying Victorian man on a fridge magnet. Oh, well. Uncontrollable arms. Just constantly finger wanky.

Yeah. sky. Well, then let me add. Yeah. The idea also that like wit could eviscerate someone who's that level. Oh yeah, they're gone. Yeah, yeah. Not only like stupid enough to be racist. Vision's based entirely on movement. So it's not going to work, is it? Yeah. But also just drug. Cag? Cag. I think about cog all the time. So do I. Cag. Cag. Cag. Cag. If you don't know what this means, by the way, this is a Patreon episode, and you can find it by simply going into Spotify

and typing in Karg, which was the name of the episode. Really? Yeah. Oh, great. That's very funny. I wonder how many people find it through misspelling something else. Work conference slop from Tamzin. Hello, Tamzin.

Hello, we heard from Tamson recently unless we have multiple Tamins. Yes. Tamson signs off Cheerio. Tamzin of Abu Tamza fame. Yes. Yeah. The nickname.

Found this at a friend's house after attending a conference with her colleagues. Welcome to the blank day. Just in case people know the acronym. Okay. I don't know the acronym, but I'm being a cautious Catherine. Fine. Welcome to the blank day where we are celebrating you and all your hard work. We've put together a little something just to show how much we appreciate you.

So it's like a little, I think they got like a little party party. pack. Yeah, of little objects. Okay. Paperclip to help you hold things together. Marbles to replace the ones you've lost. Oh! And to remind you to always bounce back.

They don't bounce. They're made of glass. I'm bleeding from my hampton when I've been shot. I'm taking poison damage. My vision's going in black and white. Like, yeah. And it's something to close in the edges like I can call a juicy. Red.

Yeah, yeah. Or it's, um. off to safety. Or just, Ramirez! Yeah. Suddenly, you say one of those things that's so twee,

my vision goes black and then it says like, an eye for an eye will make the whole world Blamegandy. Hatma Gandhi. Replay. Yeah.

Hmm. Or you're just Tom Hanks in, uh, um... Same by round? Yeah. Yeah. Yee.

Just firing a pistol at the person saying that. Marbles. Yuck. To replace the ones you've lost and to remind you to always bounce They don't bounce, though.

They bounce with each other, I suppose. But also, it's such a hassle of a gift. I'm not going to put these marbles anywhere. It's a bag of nonsense. It's a bag of nonsense. You've given me a bag of what I would put in my pockets when I was eight for some reason. On the wretched first day of school, we were given a B, A, B, A, A, B, A, B poem in comic sands and laminated, and a little biscuit and a tea bag.

So, like, when you get home and you have your first cup of tea, in a presumably now quite quiet a house. Yeah. You can sort of relax and think about the... This will make you think of them at school. And all I was thinking about, because I put it in my cardie pocket, and I was just like, thank God it's not raining today. It was just a loose tea bag.

Your pocket, if it was a light-colored cardigan, your pocket would look like the windows of an old building. They're kind of rust dripping down from around them. I had this, I'll drive into a gig recently. We will return to the letter in a moment. Apologies, terms it. but I reversed out of a service station car park without realizing that as I got into the car

I'd put a drink I'd put a drink on top of the car and I reversed and it was like the beginning of James Bond as it just and I forgot about it as it just sort of diaread down my windscreen and I was I like recoiled on my chair like what the fuck is that

because as far as you're concerned it's coming from the sky it's the apocalypse yeah it's raining blood Yeah. Rubber band? Yeah. Should be flexible?

Just don't what it means. No. No. A rubber band is also for holding things together. A penny. Why do you think they would put a penny in there? Because you always turn up. Oh.

It'd be a bad penny. Yeah. A penny. Yeah. Penny. From a phrase. For your thoughts. Yes.

Penny, to remind you to remind you to share your thoughts. They and you are valuable. Yeah. They and you are valuable. It does work. It does work, but it's an ugly, ugly sentence. It's like the up with which I shall not put or whatever.

It's horrible. They and you are valuable. Eraser. Mistakes. It just says eraser. For all your mistakes. Eraser. For those mistakes that can be rubbed out. Which you and I both know.

isn't all of them. Eraser. It's okay to make mistakes. Don't ever say that as the company. No. Tea bag slash coffee. Oh. For delicious. Make sure you take a breather.

Ugh. Okay. It's amazing. All this stuff from work conferences and stuff is constantly telling you, feel free to fuck up as much as you want and relax. Yes. And that's not what they mean. Take a mental health minute.

One. Make loads of mistakes. Bounce back. lose your marbles. Chill out. Go on holiday. We don't give a fuck. Yeah, this has never been refl-

Yeah. If I follow any of this advice, I will be fired. It's like you're a bit about the army, Life Without Limits. Life Without Limits. Couldn't possibly... I'm at sea now. I have to get up when you tell me.

Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah. A colleague wakes me up. There's no other job where that happens. Yeah, that's true. A colleague wakes me up by screaming at me. Yeah.

And that's allowed. I can't. choose my shoes. Also, do you know what I fucking think? Because I did, like, um, CCF at school. And I injured my arm to a point where I had to go to hospital on one of like the camps, the summer camp. Yeah.

Um, and what I hated was that they made me go in like the, the uniform. The uniform. And it was like, oh, so we're always at school. I feel so bad whenever I see army guys on the train station or whatever. And they're in the flat floor. I go, you're always at school. Yeah. Forever.

It's never, it's never, it's never Muffty Day. No, that's true. But yeah, that's very funny if you had a mufti day. But like what? They've attacked on Muffty Day. Yeah. Shit, they can see us. We're running jeans.

Pen. Pen. For magic tricks, for Pendolette. To remind you to leave your mark. Oh, fuck. And star confetti. Why do you think they've given them star confetti? Because you're a star.

To remind you to shine. Remind. Can you remember to shine, please? Sorry, guys, there's been a lot of people not shining. And at the start of the week, if you remember... Where are you? You've overlooked hotel. Come on. Come on.

I think you'll fine. Yeah, you're fine. At the start of the week, we all agreed to shine, didn't we? So where's that energy gone, everyone? Disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of that's disgusting. Team leader.

Team leader. I did an attempt of in Brighton when I was like 19 and kept to go down to a different floor and talk to someone there. And this guy was sort of like, okay, right, remember everyone, Team A is currently on 500 points. Team B, you're on 400 points.

Remember there will be a winner at the end of the week. And there was no prize. It was just two parts of an office were constantly pitted against each other. Like it was Gryffindor. Come on. They get a prize, I think, don't they? A big feast.

Yeah, with the king. a big feast with the king, something, don't they? That's so yucky. Yeah, disgusting. Thank you for sending us your disgusting nonsense. No, no thank you. I don't thank them. I thank them.

And now balance is restored. Yeah. Right, let's do the bonus part. And on the bonus part, I'm going to talk about what it was like doing live at the Apollo. Yes, we're dedicating probably the entirety of the Patreon episode for behind the scenes goss. From the moment you're booked to the moment you perform what it's like, the process, everything. All the secrets. All the secrets.

All the stars are here. Do you know yet when it's going to be out? Is it December, presumably? December and January. No, it's, well, I don't know. Okay. Sometime between now and Christmas, I think. Great.

We have plugs to do. My Soho run starts. Today, as we're recording this, it's been going for two days if you're hearing it. Okay. Come and see it. It is going on until the 1st of October. Yes. Come check it out.

Last episode, I said if you could, DM me on Instagram. just the word hello. So if I know you're listening, I regret that. It has muddied my inbox so much that I forget that actually sometimes you get stuff like work offers

and the like through Instagram and I've missed it. Genuinely, hundreds upon hundreds of you messages. I really appreciate it, but like it now must. That's so cool. It gave me an indication of when people listen to the podcast as well. Turns out Friday, it was the busiest day

in terms of ruining my admin. Interesting. Thank you everyone who did say hello and please stop. We also have the cloud. Happen Grand, cheerful, podcast festival, Budpod Live. That's October the 10th, midday. Saturday, midday.

Okay, so come hung over in your PJs if you would like to. Brighton Comedia, that's October the 14th, Budpod Live. That's a weeknight. Bath Comedia, November the 3rd. That's a weeknight. Budpod Live. Yeah? Please come.

So please come. And we'll see you at Soho Theatre as well for my run. Also, Lady Boys of Bangkok. Experience Pod is out now. Experience Pod poll is open for two more days. join the Patreon to vote on what we do next, and George Part 13 is out now. Star of S&L, George Four Acres,

and I discuss grimace the McDonald's character's short-lived Irish uncle character from the 70s. Ulster Scots being very grateful to Ronald to run a McDonald's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It really made me laugh.

Great. We'll see you there. Cogee. Coji.