BudPod with Phil Wang & Pierre Novellie - S2E69 | Big the Bear

Episode Date: October 7, 2026

Youtube version here!This week the buds discuss Elon musk, The South African Honey Badger, Trump tv and 'The Bean Thief'This week's sketch: 'Miami Roger' Email or Dm us your correspondence to [e-mail] or @budpodofficial on Instagram. KOJI!BudPod Live is back! Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival - October 10, 2026 - Tickets available https://www.tickettailor.com/events/cheerfulearful/2230576Brighton Komedia - October 14th, 2026 - Tickets available - https://www.tickettailor.com/events/cheerfulearful/2378930 Bath Komedia -November 3rd, 2026 - Tickets available https://komediabath.co.uk/events/128649554-budpod-live-2026-11-03-19-00-00/Stream Glenn's tour show 'Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me, Glenn I’m Sixty Moore' on Sky Comedy and NowTVVote here for BudPod for this year's Golden Lobes, Listeners' Lobe award! Thank you guys! KOJI Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Attention Podbuds. We've got a double plug for you. If you missed my new show, okay, one more than bedtime at the Edinburgh fringe, then do not worry it is coming to London and it is in London from the 21st of September. So that's really soon. The 21st of September all the way to the 1st of October. And speaking of October, Budpod Live is on the 14th of October in Brighton. another Budpod Live to add to your list. So we have the 10th of October, that's London. Midday, Clapham, be there. This is the new one we're adding, 14th of October. That's in Brighton. South Coast, come on in from your little swim in the horrible cold sea and check us out. And then if you are in Bath, we will also climb into the Bath with you on the 3rd of November. So there are three Budpod lives scattered around the foot of England and hopefully we'll see you at all of them and if I don't see you at them I would love to see you at

OK, one more than bedtime, 21st of September to the 1st of October at Soho Theatre. So that's soon, soon. It's Budpot 69. Oh, I've got nothing for that. Yeah. That's tricky. What a boring number. I bet someone interesting would have something funny to say about.

Someone really cool. I read an account of Elon Musk keeping constantly saying it in a meeting when it came up. Yuck. What you're saying nice? Right guys? 69% right guys? Oh, yucky. It's such a position nobody enjoys.

We're everybody self-conscious. True equality. It's the position. the communist position. Everyone's equally vulnerable. Yeah, they call it the mutually assured destruction. The dead hand. I thought it was very funny that, yeah, like, Putin's revived the dead hand,

the sort of strategy you go, you can't be saying that in the 21st century. And it's all that what's, like, is that when you sit in it, so it's someone else is pressing the red button. Someone else nuked America. Yes, yeah, yeah. You don't have a sense of guilt. Putin's dead hand strategy is the kind of thing that should be in Viz. Yeah, yeah.

The profanosaurus. You do remind me of Elon Musk. Thank you. Wow. Yeah. I remember... White, South African Autist. No, I remember pouring you a glass at a friend's house in San Francisco.

Oh, no. Blast decanting another. Honey bear drinks when he wants is what you said. I made the clutch move of ordering us a pizza at 1 a.m. Honey badger. Honey badger! Yeah, even worse. I'm so sorry to...

So famously misquoted. Taken out of context. That's poor York. I knew him, not I knew him well. It's basic stuff. That was a tweet, wasn't it? It's a wretched tweet. I'm saying he doesn't really enjoy alcohol, but he's saying,

it's something alluring or something about how red wine looks in a glass. Bond villain shit. But like, if he spoke less, we'd perceive him as more like that. Yeah. I don't drink Mr. Bond, but something about. red wine and a glass. You know, you go, oh, this guy's cool.

But I said he's going like, all right, guys, Pickle Rick. And you're like, enjoy that. Yeah. No, that,

that, I hate that tweet. And also, Honey Badger, the Honey Badger is the most, like, fierce and insane and tough animal in South Africa. Really? Yes, by far.

Like, it's... It was the white man. The most dangerous animal of all. And it, in the museum, it's not a miracle. It's just a picture of a guy. Gary.

Is that it to be me? Well, you know, it can't be the same for everyone. Have you thought about a mirror? Muffle the... Get him out of it. Get the mirror. Why didn't we... Darren!

Why didn't we get a mirror? Fuck! After that, it's a mirror. After you go. Yeah, so I know why he's chosen that nickname for himself. Right, okay. Because it's like the equivalent of saying... I'm the dragon.

I am the... Do you know what? There are two extra wretched elements of that tweet that I hadn't really registered before. One, referring to himself in that fashion.

Yes. And also, presumably, having given himself a nickname. There's a lot in here. It's this excellent exposition. Yeah. Yes, that's true. Really elegantly done.

They've crammed in a lot. That's clunky. But there's... Four lines of dialogue and success. session and you know exactly who this character is. It's Hamlet, it's all who goes there. It's like the perfect opening, yeah. That's true.

Yeah, no one else is calling him Honey Badger. Honey Badger. Well, because he moved to America when he was quite young, right? So no one in America knows the Honey Badger. Like, they wouldn't make that association. It's a very South African. This is me finding out Honey Badger's a thing. Listeners, if you want to look up one of the crazy,

one of the famously crazy honey badgers, Stoffel, S-T-O-F-F-E-L, Stoffel the Honey Badger. he's constantly escaping from the zoo Oh but it's like a specific That's a guy A specific honey badger A particular guy They're very tough

They're very fierce Like they're very hard to kill They're yeah Badgers in general Quite feral and vicious Like you know Yeah They're a little bit

But honey badgers are different Like they look different Right okay They look fucked I always just think British badges are quite docile Always always snoozing peacefully By the side of the road

they're so relaxed there the middle of their body's all flat what a big exhalation his tummy's nearly empty he'll be waking up from hibernation soon sunning his guts on the tarmac that sounds like a real phrase

from like sunning his guts I mean guts in any context is horrible my mum used to refer to farting as someone dropped my guts That's the Aussie Drop their guts That's her Aussie heritage showing Dropped their guts

It's so disgusting Because it implies as a splatter Exactly, there's a wet splatter But also like because it's intestines There's a wet splatter But then a continuing sort of rope of falling Yes, yeah Like when you drop an escape rope

Pippin accidentally knocking the The skeleton down the well In Moria Doing little fart sounds As it goes down the world I'll delve into a toilet next time. They delve too deep. The bridge of Kazat, bum.

Very nice. Something's coming. The bum sounding in the deep. That bit is scary. That's such a good bit. Yeah. And heartbreaking to find all the dwarf skeletons from previous characters. Yeah.

Well, it's... Haunting. Because obviously, Gimli's been sort of like, my cousin Barlin will give us a wrong. He's the least skeletal man I've ever met in my... Red meat off the bone. And then Borromeo goes,

this isn't mine. It's a what, sorry? How are he spelling that? TMB. It's a new app. It's a new app for finding tombs. And then, yeah, when Gimley finds...

presumably it's Barlin's grave, or the actual sort of tomb. He really starts wailing and it's like, I feel like the death was already confirmed, like quite a while back. You think, how, when have you last texted each other? Yes, exactly that. I guess they live a long time. All the characters go on about how they're all fucking 300 years old.

Yeah, so contextually, it's meaningless. Because you go, oh, they are still young then. Frodo's like 60. Well, you go, they're young, but they're old, but they lose touch, but they could visit any time. It's very hard to figure out that. If I'd actually bother to fully in detail read it all, I'm sure I would know. Yeah, Frodo and the like, they're all in their 60s, but they are treated and act like little children.

Yeah. They're Robin Williams as Jack. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's the oldest word for friend. I think, I think Elon Musk is a good example of misbranding, personal branding, I mean. As in he has done...

He's fucked up. You've got to say less, man. Yeah, because I don't... You never see quotes. Jeff Bezos is not extremely online. He just looks sinister. Yes. Yeah.

Yes. He's shredded. He's perfectly bald like Lex Luthor. No amount of pictures of him in a garage surrounded by old textbooks that he's selling through the post. Yes. Can undo the horrifying transformation of this Venice renting man. Yeah, yeah.

This man looks like he's a one. in one of the jelly tubs from the Matrix. You've got a jelly tubs. The jelly tubs, yeah. Jelly tubsies. Tinky winky, neo. Trinity. Smith.

And each time you say their name instead of they're waving, they're just suspended in the goo. You can hear the sun, but you can't see it because they scorched the skies to try and get of the solar robots. Neo is really funny. And then fucking, what's the fucking vacuum called? Noon.

So, Nunu is that thing that's got all the... It's got the Hoover nose, but it's got like 11 of them and it's flying. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nuneo. That's the vessel. This all works.

It all works. If Elon Musk has just kept his fucking mouth shut, all we'd know about him is that he's like cloning himself basically through the number of kids he has yeah because he just pays people to have kids his kids he does what sorry he's got like an estimated smushmillion children he has the ones we know about are the so he's trying to be like ganga's car yeah yeah yeah yeah they're all obsessed with like they're you know repopulating the earth and spreading their seed and all this kind of like eugenic stuff man sometimes when you see like the if ever you if ever you go on um twitter and

I treat Twitter now like I'm on like one of those tourist trips to like Schnobble or something like that. Like radiation suit, you've got 30 seconds. I treat it like the movie Talk to Me, where it's like you can communicate with this dead person for 30 seconds. You've got to get them out. You've got to get them out. Well, they take over your body. Yes, exactly. So it's like you've got to take a deep breath, go on to Twitter and have a look at a couple of things.

I can get back out again and you go, that was a showered off. And you go, that was a bad one. That was a really bad one. And so it's... Picking things out of a sewer. Because it's a horrible palanty, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the amount of positive responses you'd see to, like, Elon Musk of people...

Like, so it'd be like a picture of Taylor Swift because he'd say another creepy comment towards Taylor Swift. And so many of his supporters would be sort of like, oh, soon she shall be impregnated with his seed. Like, ugh. What do you sound like? People are happy to self-worm tongue, it turns out. I think... Talk about seed. Seed.

I think this makes medieval times make more sense. Oh, everyone was greener worm, worm town. But like people with nothing to do with the king would be like, His Majesty has bred well indeed. Yes, yeah, yeah. And it would be like... Excited to watch the king eat. Yeah, and you're just some guy who sells turnips.

Yeah, so embarrassing. You feel invested in it. Well, isn't that football then? Yeah, yes. We beat Man City. That, it's that, yeah. We, yeah. Well, football's a good substitute for warfare,

because at least it's in a team. And if the person leaves the team, then people still stay with the same team. Yes. You don't go, my favorite swordsman fights for France now, so I'm French. You know, it's... Yes, yeah, Achilles defected. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've really had to change.

I'm just an Achilles fan. I don't mind who he fights for. Whereas when it's a celebrity or a powerful person, that's when it's just like, I don't know. It's transference. Yeah, I think maybe it's the same with films as well. like when Katie Holmes departed the Dark Knight and they brought in Maggie Gyllenhaal alone, I still supported the Dark Night.

I'm still a Dark Knight supporter. You still had your Dark Knight strip. Yeah, people were having half and half scarfs of like Batman and Spider-Man. No, no, no, no, no, no. DC or one or the other. Batman and Bane, I guess. A big match. A DC firm.

You're excited for the big match later. Between Batman and Bain. That Batman Superman film with Ben Affleck. That one. People were like really like chanting down the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Setting off flares. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, getting hit by the Gotham brick. It's not giving an Arkham smile. Yeah, that sounds good though. Arkham smile, yeah. That must be a... Just the Joker. Yeah, yeah. You just have a kind of insane, horrible, way too many teeth, big mouth.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, like the entrance to a theme park. That's a big sip, Sam. Yeah. Wow. Wow. I mean, you have to go away behind your mouth as if you were going to say,

It was a facial expression that said, golly. No, no. It's like, something from the beano. What? It's just, I heard it behind me, and I saw Pierre's eyes go as wide as. That bit in Love Actually, where Hugh Grant's bodyguards and, like, launches, like, really well into Good King Wentz or Sluss. That's how your eyes went. Good King Wences.

I forgot that bit. I have a character for you. Yeah? Okay. I ate his fava beans with a nice kianti. It is. Yeah. So if it's still a crime? I'm still stealing.

He's a bean thief. Vegetarian. Hand of Electra is a bean thief. The bean thief sounds like such a boring film that you feel like you should have seen. The bean thieves. Because it's been nominated for best foreign film and it's about Che Guevara growing up. But it was a book. It was a book.

It was a book. The bean thief. Yeah. And you feel really frightened about asking me, what's it about? People would be like, you don't know about the... You've never heard of this. You've read the Bean Thief? The famine.

The guy had to steal beans. It was... In Nicragura, 1920... It's always called, like, the... One of the... It's like the beekeeper of Aleppo and stuff. So it's like the thief of the bean field or something. Yeah.

The Bean thief. It's just Jack in the Beanstool. You've seen that joke about, like, all books are called now either... The tiniest things we need. know to be true or the darkest wife. The Bean Thief fits nicely into that category. Yeah. You'd be like, have you read Margaret Quayleton's The Bean Thief?

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that get lost in the enormous whirring brushes. Miami-Rogers' 80s warehouse. It's bitchin, not bogus. I came up with a new literary device, actually, the other day. Oh. Um, forget. unreliable narrator. I've come up with the un-punctual narrator and the first

few pages are fully empty and then it will say something like, sorry I'm late, traffic was a nightmare. The past is a foreign country but a minute, a minute, it's just the book. I gave me such a headache then just trying to imagine a book where the narration is out of sync by a few pages with what's happening. Yeah, it's in a different time. So I can't believe they murdered him.

Is that what happened? A few pages back. Oh, you'll find out in a bit. God, what? Like unsinked director's commentary. I guess that's Nabokov's Pale Fire, where the whole book is a, it's an epic poem, but the idea is it's being annotated with loads and loads of footnotes. But the footnotes, you have a narrator within the footnotes. And the story's actually told through the footnotes analysing this poem.

Oh, God. Just write a normal fucking novel. If you want to win a prize. No, you don't win anything for that. You've got to write, you want to make money, you write the bean thief. Yeah. You want to win a prize. you write something almost impossible to read.

Yeah. It feels like for very clever people who love books, a certain kind of book to them. Me, I guess. Like you, Glenn. That's why he's the one wearing glasses to let you know. He's the one who can read. And a boat on a...

Like... A jacket with patches on the elbow. Yeah, what's his fucking Ben Kingsley and Thursday Murder Club? So you always remind you as a professor by going, I do prophesize, it's a good morning to you. Were you going to release a limited edition range of cocktails in the tin, are you?

Professor Rumble Stinks. He's always has to wear that like he's in the Simpsons. Smithers. Yeah. Yeah. Ben Kingsley as Smithers. I think a certain type of super complex book functions as a kind of imagination puzzle bowl. You know what a puzzle bowl is?

Puzzle bowl, no. A puzzle bowl is a dog food bowl. Yeah. But the food is in little compartments that you have to like, not just hide with your nose. Oh, enrichment. Yeah, yeah, enrichment. But it's enrichment for things like literature.

Because you go, well, I don't even want the story in a row. Yeah, it no longer does it for me. Hide some of the plot in a log. Yeah. And I'm enriched. Because I've had to solve it myself. When actually what we're creating here, it sounds really intelligent, but it's the pop-up book. Isn't it?

And it was under the... Open up under the chest. Look! And in the chest is like the body of the ex-wife and it's Rebecca or whatever, you know. And the whole thing was because of generational trauma. Yeah. And then a little blurry kind of shitty, kind of shitty, low-quality mirror for your kid to see itself in. Yes, yeah, yeah.

That's me. Illustrated by. It's like a splatter on the floor on a hot air balloon from enduring love. Oh, look at that. Isn't that remarkable? Splat, splat, splat. Yeah. Can you blow the balloon into the power line? I think maybe could we...

Have I ever told you about this conversation I heard with someone at uni about parodies? I think I've told you privately, but not on the podcast. We have definitely spoken about this on the pod. Because we were talking about why can't we just do the thing? If it's a parody it's so well, why can't we just do the thing? Why can't we reverse engineer the original product? You'll be horrified to hear this.

This is the third time we've mentioned this on the pod. Okay, well then I'm having a stroke. It's so hard for me to remember Anyway, whatever, it doesn't matter The point is, we all know what that is If you can do the parody, why can't you reverse engineer to do the original? I've always thought this about

Why doesn't John Colshaw Simply become the greatest singer of all time? Yes, yes, we'll do it then. Right? Do it, like if you said, oh, I'm a comedian and I'm a drinks impressionist And I just make a perfect replica of Coke. Yeah.

And you go, we'll sell that. Yeah, what do you? You mean you've nailed the secret recipe? Because the whole point of like when showing art in a work of fiction, you never show the art. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is one of, what do you think of hacks in that regard? Because hacks shows a lot of stand-up, and bits of it are fine, but bits of it are just like... Hax is one of my favourite sitcoms of all time.

Yeah. And I think the portrayal of the industry is incredibly accurate. Yes, bang on. And I think the portrayal of the stand-up is also very well done because there's a reason that she's not washed up as such, because she has a Vegas residency. but it's like, yeah, you're at the end of you, you're doing the greatest hits. Old school. And it's all very dated stuff. Yes.

So I think actually they've had to do a trickier job. Yes, that's true. Of kind of working backwards. Like, what 30 Rock did with the... Build an imaginary Joan Collins. What 30 Rock did with their sort of like early afternoon, loose women's slot version of SNL was every time you saw a sketch, it was meaningless whole shit.

Like, it was deliberately shit. I thought, um, late night with... Someone dressed as like a fairy princess and then some of... dressed as a football NFL football wrestling and you're okay well um did you see late night with the devil the uh horror film that came out a couple of years ago where it's about

basically the idea is there's a demonic possession on one of those like late night Johnny Carson sort of TV shows but the movies like the opening of that TV show starts with him doing a monologue and doing having to do jokes about like Reagan and stuff like that but it was like oh it's really accurate

because if you watch a topical show even from a few years ago the are fully meaningless and absolutely impenetrable. Yeah. Unlike, that's so much more impressive, that you've had to go back and go, what would you have written a joke about at a time? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would have been passable back then. Yeah, what, who was the secretary for the interior? Yes. Yeah. So I've always thought if you were a really talented musician, or like, what if you were a writer who just happened to write absolutely, like a comedy writer or a drama writer, whatever, who just happened to write one absolutely banging song?

why wouldn't you reverse engineer a TV show around that or a film around that? Yeah. Where that can be the art. But I guess that's what they did with the Tom Hanks film, that thing you do, where it's... I don't know that one. It was like the first time Tom Hanks had ever directed a movie.

It was sort of like late 90s, and it's about a fictional band and he's the manager. He's what? Called like Elvis Presidents. No, no, no. But it's about him managing a real sort of like Frankie Valley in the Four Seasons or the Monkeys kind of band. Yeah.

And they have a song called That Thing You Do. And what they did was Tom Hanks outsourced it to a number of different bands and basically said, write me a catchy 60 song. Oh, okay. And I think it was one of the members of, it was a band like Bowling for Soup. Oh, wow. Contributed the song. And it's like a really convincing catchy 60s song.

I love that kind of thing. Yeah, and you go, that's the best way to do it. Because the idea is this band is like a one hit wonder. And they've only got this one song. So, like, it had to be good because the whole film hinges on it. I really like it when you find out musicians have a hinterland in a different genre or like a different genre

because one of the things I dislike about music as a thing is that everyone's such a fucking little bitch about their music they like. It's so gate kept and fucking clannish and it's just as bad as football fans. It's like Apex Twin having that beautiful somber piece of piano music at the end of Four Lions.

It's like, oh that's so different to any Apex Twin stuff or like, I mean serious by the way, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like... For a second, I think, I meant three lions and I was like, A-FX twins, three lions.

Football, come to daddy. But, yeah, I'm trying to think of like another example of that because, yeah, you get like, oh, Paul McCartney's written a classical album, whatever. I feel like that's the natural progression. You get all these fans. That's just like anything that disrupts fanboy brain. Because the fan boy's like metal, you know, whatever, it's not very often metal fans. But this music is the only.

good music and then their own hero comes out and says, no, I love jazz. Yeah. And you go, you see, your hero has disagreed with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your hero is your enemy. Look, Trump wants to meet with Mandami. They're friends now. Look at that, you Republican bastards.

It should have upset everyone. It should have. Yeah, no one should be happy. Whoever wins, we lose. It's very funny to see. They should increasingly go on like fishing holidays together and golfing and And they should both And film it for Channel 4

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, with their parents If they're still around Trump Trump going on like a road trip With Mandami's dad Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Like Green Book

It's slowly Going from a kind of New York racist To becoming a nice guy That's all it would take That's a vocal to go around the house Yeah? It's Spike Lee talking about when Green Book won

one best picture, right? Yeah, I think. Yeah. And he's talking to some journalists on the red carpet. And he goes, they say, what do you think of Green Book? And he says, you're from the UK, right?

And they go, yeah. And he goes, not my cup of tea. I say that low. Not my cup of tea. That's nice. That's a good one. It's a good one. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my character. Yes, your character. Yeah. It's the Grinch who stole Ramadan And it's the Grinch And he fucking hates Ramadan And it makes you realize It's good that Christmas is the one he generally hates, isn't it?

Because any other celebration it gets weird, doesn't it? Well, he's just a Nazi In a big pile of rubbish on a hill With a dog, an Alsatian And yeah, because his grandkids don't talk to him anymore Because he's always watching Fox News I was trying to figure out, okay, if the Grinch hates Ramadan, then is he... Did something happen as a kid?

No, but then he's got to ruin Ramadan, because he's got to ruin it. He's got to get, like, just have food out at all times. No, he's got to steal the Iftar. Yes, yes. So that what you do a whole day of fasting the sun goes down. Oh, so he's got to keep very irregular hours. Yeah, yeah, depending on when the sun goes down in Huvil. Yeah.

Yeah, it has to be Christmas. It has to be Christmas. other religious festivals are... It's so deeply problematic. Of vulnerable minorities. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. The Grinch...

Yeah, it's so much more just benign. It's Christmas. He's like, oh, okay, yeah, yeah, it's too commercial lights. The Grinch who hates Diwali. Yeah. He goes around putting water in all the fireworks. So they don't go off.

Oh, dude, what was it? Turning off all the lights. Yeah. Who do you vote for, man? Well, he's just a nimbie. It doesn't like noise. He doesn't like people doing things. Well, I've never...

I've never watched The Grinch. The Jim Carrey one. Really? It is excellent. Well, I, um, did Basil Lerman direct it or something? No. No, it's, um, Michael Howard. But, the...

Not Michael Howard. Did you threaten to... The formerly of the Conservative Party. Did you threaten to overrule it? Hello. Now, Jim. What I want for the next scene. It's Michael, uh...

The guy who narrates a rest of the development. Oh, it's not a Michael. It's, um... Ron Howard. Ron Howard, yeah. Ron Howard. Ron Howard. Ron Howard directed it. Wow, okay. He, so I was very late to the Grinch. I was really late to the Grinch. Really late to the Grinch. And I thought it was, I think it would be so much more effective if it was, I didn't even know it was like a Dr. Seuss character. Oh, wow. So I imagined it was going to be a grounded setting like the Santa Claus or something. And actually it was a real horror to like losing Christmas burglary, you know? Oh.

And so when I watched it and everything. Everyone's got their weird... The Who's? League of Gentleman noses. I was like... And it's all like weird close-ups. It's very like Batman forever. It is, yeah.

And it reminded me of Moulin Rouge. I've tried to watch Moulin Rouge about three times now. And in the last day alone. And I would get like 15 minutes in before I was like, this is... I feel like I'm looking through a kaleidoscope. It's just so... I feel sick. It has a sensory overload.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like how someone has like food poisoning nightmares. a cartoon. You know? So yeah, I just instantly couldn't relate to their characters. This is set in like Christmas town in Nightmare Before Christmas.

Yeah. Just a separate. Once you, if Dr. Seuss books were more of a thing in South Africa because South Africa was so Americanized. Yeah. Oh no, we certainly, we had like green eggs and ham. Yeah, but I mean, I mean...

I used to watch Mike Myers' Cat in the Hat at uni weekly. Coming out tonight, Glenn. Oh, you know that. You know, you know. You know that because it's Friday night. You know what's my Kith night. That's what you call it, C-I-T-T-H.

C-I-T-H, rather. Cat in the hat. It's KISS! Glad you want to go to the pub? Kiff! You don't even say anything. And everyone's like, is that a, is that like a religious thing? A Friday night, kiss?

Is that a thing? He has people over for Kiff And he goes, no, it's the Mike Myers Cat in the Hat. You know, the one he hated filming. The one he famously hated filming and only did. Yeah, where it's a cat but with a kind of human face. A disgusting, yeah, an abomination. A disgusting, cavorting cat man.

You know of a film where it's a sin to imagine him? It's not even a sin to imagine the devil. So imagine how horrible this piece of shit is. This is the only thought crime you really can be arrested for. he's picturing Mike Myers as a cat in the hat. You have to watch the film with your eyes, with your gaze averted at all time like it's Medusa.

Well, you watch it through a mirror. You have to watch it through a mirror. So ironically, in the cinema, because of the way projectors work, it was fine. Yeah, and home viewing. And when you'd watch them film illegally and they'd be like a mirror stream or whatever, it would be like, mirror brackets

for your own safety. Or he'll come to you. Yeah. But, like, Dr. Seuss books were like Paddington big. Oh. I'm not saying we had them. I'm saying like they were one of the main book. Like, that was a thing.

I read Dr. Seuss's books. He knows his name's Paddington Bear, right, not Paddington Big. Paddington Big. Yeah, yeah. It was the second time Big had come over this week. From Marmalade. Yeah. Biggs moving to Peru.

Narrated by Sarah Jessica Parker, and it's all about Biggs. It's the new haunt. Yeah, haunt. Oh, man. Have you seen, yeah, I love Big. Big is in Tom Harker. Thanks, no, big is in the bear. Big the bear.

Big the bear. He's from Argentina. His family had moved there in the 40s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Big the bear. He's got that big, he's got that big, he's got that big, uh, stuastika tattoo on his chest, even though he's from South America.

And he loves Marmalarikers, it reminds him of gold. He's got a very long, elaborate German surname. Yeah. And they've been Argentinians since 1946. Marmalade bitter Marmalade bitter He's big awake A horrible German bear

Hissing requests for marmalade Through the little attic roof Hugh Grant playing a sort of like A washed up actor who is certain He's like I've seen him in pictures I've seen him in pictures from like the 40s Black and White pictures I know this bear

I know this bear Oh that horrible man's coming to To be mean to our bear again. Yeah, don't listen to him. He is a liar. He's a liar.

I think, yeah, Magneto showing up to murder Paddington. Yes. Like in whatever that film was. Yeah. You have too much

marmalade in your blood. Thinking about superhero films now makes me feel sick. Really? It makes me feel bored and unwell like I'm, did you ever have this growing up where you'd be somewhere very boring and unpleasant, like a dentist's waiting room as a child.

Yeah. That was like the biggest threat to my well-being was going to a garden centre. I could, the most boring bit of the home, but a shop of that, was just, was crazy to me. Hundreds of pots. Hundreds of pots. Yeah. It was just dull, dull, dull, dull, dull. Yeah. And they'd always have like the weirdest fucking trolleys. Yeah.

You know what I mean? It's almost like the sort of thing you'd use to like lay a palette on. Yeah. The sort of trolleys you get in like B&Q where it's just two long prongs. I can't ride on that. And maybe a very long basket at the top. Yeah, but an impossible shape. Is this for luggage at Heathrow? Everything about it was wrong.

Did you get so bored that you feel sick? I would feel like car sick from boredom. Really? Yeah. That's incredible. Like, not just like bored, like, but like, I feel like unwell I'm so bored. You're like actively like medically depressed. Just like, oh, just like like kryptonine.

Like I'm near a cursed amulet. Yeah. It would just be like, it's just such hell. Well, you'd find yourself just like reading the pamphlets for just for any stimulation of any kind. Yeah. Because I remember when I was like six and I read a bowel canceler. leaflet. And it had a picture of a cartoon bear on it. And it said, I think I said to Sondapal before it said, don't sit on your symptoms. But as a six-year-old, I was like, what's that?

And I was, for like weeks afterwards, I just sat really awkwardly on chairs because I didn't know which bit the symptoms were. I thought there's it like, it's like, you simply wouldn't sit on our bums if that was the case. It's the bit between your bum and thigh. It's such a narrow line. Yeah. But that's your symptoms. I had no idea, because the bear was like sitting down, like pointing at the bear's bum. Yeah. Don't dress up a bowel cancer leaflet for children. Absolutely.

It wasn't relevant to me. It's not relevant to me. He may as well have had Paddington Big on the front. Paddington Big with a sort of full colonoscopy. Yeah. He has the black eyes of Feathers McGraw. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an unwelcoming face.

In an impacted bowel because all he eats is marmalade and white bread. It's the stodgiest. Yeah. He may as well have to be. stuff pizza crusts all the time. He may as well only have stuffed pizza crust. Just raw flour.

Yeah. And like the Pizza Hut kind as well where it's just this horrible, this unending clogged artery that they have around the outside. It's a cheese string. It's just a cheese string.

It's an anti-smoking advert, vain. Yes, absolutely. With a horrible fat coming out. Also, like, every time I would ever get one of those, it would never be melted. It would be like a solid calamari. ring of fake cheese.

You can't melt it. You cannot melt it. You could put a blow torch to it. It's a gasket for a nuclear power plant. Fitting. It's to stop air escaping. It's what we used to do, dislodge of Fatberg in the sewers.

Nothing is harder. Nothing is more absolutely rock solid than a domino's pizza crust eight hours after you open the box. Oh, yeah. It's like a piece of paper that's been folded too many times. It's unbelievable. Yeah.

You could build houses from that stuff. How? Bread doesn't go stale that quickly. Yeah. It diminishes like a... I guess something that's... It's almost like a Pompeii victim, isn't it? You look at that and you go, that was something different yesterday.

Pompeii victim. But you go... It's rock hard now. Every individual bit, the slices of ham. I'm like... They're curling already. Yeah, exactly that. It decays like a banana.

Do you know what it's like? Or one of those, or footage of, like, spelled up footage of a rat decomposing. You can almost see the pizza moving, like vibrating around in the box. And then like a crow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what it is?

Eating a dominoce pizza and trying to keep it fresh and nice is like trying to remember a dream as you wake up. No, no, I... Oh, no, it's gone. Yeah. It's gone. And people always are, all the way to keep it dry, all the way to keep it, like,

not completely soggy. It's put in a microwave of a glass of water. But I'm like, I shouldn't have to do that. The moment I'm pouring a glass of water for my pizza, we shouldn't have to be taking these steps. Their drink. Yeah. And it's muttering,

it's petit and sunshton. It's pouring into his mouth like Sean Connery in the last few said. Pizza is like E.T. or dry. Yeah. You're having to help it. No, I shouldn't have to do science for kids on a pizza. Yes. I'm resuscitating a pizza.

Oh, I saw a bubbling of a cheese. It's alive. It's back again. It is so different. But it's different to before. Like Pet Cemetery. Yes, yeah. The pizza's not quite right.

It made me quite ill. It's not quite right anymore. Yeah, it hardens like Wheatabix. I presume. Oh, yeah. We still haven't even. We forgot about, we didn't put that up for the bid on experiences pod, did we? Well, we should say what's one?

Because instead, we're spending from open to closing an entire day, to weather spoons. Yes. We're trying to weigh up which ones. We're going to keep it anonymous until we've done it. Yeah. But when, in reality, one of the experienced pods could simply have been, Pierre tries a bowl of Wheatabix for the first time. Yeah, it still wouldn't have won the vote, though.

You've had cereal before, right? Sure. But I don't, not with milk on. Do you've any of had dry cereal? Oh, you can't be doing that with Wheatabix, yeah. No, you'd cut your mouth open, I think. Well, yeah, people would, like... It's a challenge, isn't it?

Well, I think some people have... have like butter on it and it's almost like a, like a riveter sort of thing. I remember when I was growing up. My granddad used to have half a wheat of X. I think that's one of the fuck, like that. Half. Half. Half.

Half. Yeah. Not even a whole poo in your mouth. I'll only have half a kick in the balls. One of the smallest meals I've ever heard of. Are you a nun? It's crazy. What did you do?

Yeah. What are you repent? Yeah, I've taken a vow of Syria. Vow of badness. Yeah, it's so, it was like... Why would he... It's so punishing. Half a wita...

You've always sort of like cuddler or tablets all lined up. And next to it, the final medicine, half a bisque. A wita. Yeah, we'd have a wita. It's mad. That is so depressing. Even as like a seven-year-old, you'd have like three minimum. three. The wretch has two.

Oh, wow. Okay. That's good going, I think. Beefy is two. I remember them as being big. Maybe I'm remembering them as too big. Maybe you're thinking of on the TV show The Big Breakfast, where they'd play a game called Get Your Nubly Nuts out, and they had a big swimming pool that was a big, it was a big breakfast bowl when it was full of milk,

and people would have to swim around to get prizes in. It's seven in the morning in December outdoors. What? And then I'd go to school. The big breakfast was a, it was. It was good. The big breakfast was good. It was Johnny Vaughan-Nadnees Van Outen, but it had another presenters in the past. And they'd just presented it in like this big detached house, like near the Thames.

And they'd have like, then they'd go out to the shed to interview a guest. And it would be like Tom Hanks at 6.30 a.m. Jesus. Yeah. Here's my question. Why do you think I did this? Yeah? What?

Well, you're about to tell me what you did. Yeah, yeah. I thought you were going to be like, why I never had wheat of mix. Because I moved here when I was. I was seven, just after I turned seven around then. I really rejected Big Breakfast, Blue Peter, CBBs. I just wouldn't engage with it. You weren't in the pocket of Big Breakfast.

I wasn't in the pocket of Big Breakfast. Well, probably because you'd had American-Eyes TV. But why didn't I just go, oh, well, I'll just watch this then? What was it about it that made me go, no. But didn't your parents dictate it? We had a TV in the kitchen, but we sort of faced the kitchen table. so my mum and I would watch the big breakfast

as we had breakfast in the morning No, it would just be cartoons I would just be like yeah whatever I just put the cartoons I think it was good I think my parents dictated If it was my dad My dad would have like BBC 1

Where it's just the new They're pretending it's not the news It's the news It's the news Yeah Do you know what I think it was I was used to just mainlining cartoons Yeah I just didn't really watch

So it's just like two episodes Of half an hour of cartoons Whereas now I'm getting a 10-minute fucking lively-looking puppet show and constantly interspersed with like a grinning man bellowing at me about something I don't care about

or understand. And they'd be like, and we've got the Scripps here! And then everybody goes, yay! And I don't know any of this. Oh, yeah. Where is Pokemon?

But I think we just, yeah, I think because you'd experience different cultures. Well, we were just like, well, you got, got what you're given in the same way if someone said, like, I don't really like the sun in the sky. Should we get something else tomorrow? You're going to know, you accept. If there's nothing you need to change it, you just accept it. We had terrestrial TV, we didn't have sky. I mean, we accept terrestrial TV in a way of what we don't now, because at the time of recording, it was the first episode last night of Celebrity Traitors. Yeah. First time since the last

series of civilian traitors, but I've watched terrestrial TV. Yeah. And Katie and I went on terrestrial TV and went on like, the TV guys, and we were like, oh, that's a different world. It's a different world. Obviously, please do watch Mot the Week, 9pm, TLC Sunday night. But just different, different world. Yeah, absolutely different world. What's the worst thing that you saw on the TV guide where you went, oh my God. Well, I think it's just, it's like, so many truck-based shows.

We've got them outdoors. Why do you want to? It's Busman's Holiday. Truck watch. Ice Road Truckers. Loads of that. Loads of selling things that are fair. So much of that.

Yeah. Selling things at a fair, people getting offers for things. When Motta Week was on BBC 2, it was the only thing that wasn't property or birds on that channel or Dad's Army. It's like a dictatorship of a country where everyone is 80. And it's all just shows to keep old people calm. Antiques, birds. House values. Well, like, have you seen Trump TV?

The channel he's launched. Oh, no. But it's like a screensaver. It's like a screensaver of Donald. Like, it's just random footage of Donald Trump. Like what you'd dream. It's what precogs see in minority. It's edited like that.

It's so mad. Or just, like a dream. It's like the hotel, the hotel channel. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it would just keep saying like, restaurants, swimming pool, picture of your room.

Restaurants. I mean, it just goes back again. Our restaurant offers all kinds of food. You go, yeah, I've left the house before. I do know. I'm fascinated by the idea of a hotel television channel. Someone's had to make all of it. Yeah.

Someone's had to sit and go, what font do we want for the brief thing that flashes up saying, check out any time you like? Just the amount of work that's gone into everything. And what they care so much is the default. fault channel when you arrive. And the first thing, they've got to get your attention early because the first thing you to do is try and change the channel. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they need you to know that the restaurant serves all kinds of food. But I guess it's a safe, it's like a safe room in Resident Evil. Because you know it's the only channel guaranteed to be in your language. Because you go after that, we're just going into full Spanish territory or whatever. You'd never get a hotel TV channel with Ibis Budget. Welcome to the Ibis Budget. budget. It's bad here, but you don't mind.

I stayed at an Ibis budget when I was on tour in Liverpool, and no, like, and breakfast is provided from like 6'7, I was like, great. And genuinely, I went down to states in the morning, and it wasn't apparent where or what the breakfast was. I was like, it can't be that bowl of like acorns. It was all it was. That's all it was. It was like... I've made that mistake. I've said, I've said, like, angrily clarifying with a check-in person. And there's free breakfast from six. And I go, what kind of breakfast? And they go, well, you know, a hotel breakfast.

And I go, what kind of breakfast? Yeah, yeah. What is it? Is it a bunch of cereal that is just like left unsupervised? And they're like, oh, well, yeah. And I go, okay, thank you. From the continent. I've heard all I need to hear.

Yes, yeah. I've heard enough. I won't be waking up early for that. Your options are that. But all you can eat buffet, great idea, but always now 20 pounds. And you go, well, no, I'm not spending 20 pounds on breakfast. Also, I could have an enormous anti-eastern. socially large breakfast for 11 pounds.

Yes. A short walk away from the hotel. Or the alternative is, and this is the bed and breakfast kind, which is where you go down into basically a big living room. Yeah. And you go, oh, it's old people's home. I'm in a retirement home. I'm in a retirement home.

And the housekeeper from Sherlock Holmes has made me some baffling eggs. And I have to eat them while she watches me eat. Yeah. No thanks. Yeah. Scramble eggs so powdery. I cannot get them on the toast. I cannot get them on the toast.

They won't go on. They fall off like a marble. I never, they always say, the thing, the B&B comes with breakfast. I just can't, I can't, I can't eat in an official living room. Yeah. I can't do it. Bacon covered in white?

Smeg bacon. Or as people go back, early, early on in the pod, Phil's song, Bacon White. Crooming and jazz style. Bacon white. That's somewhere in the archives. Yeah. Whereas, yeah.

I mean, I do love a, I love a, I love a, a wretched cook breakfast where you go, this will ruin my day. Oh, yeah. This will spoil my day. This is a, I should, I should go to bed after this. Yeah. Well, look, I've got a weird thing I ate in the last week that I'll tell you about on the Patreon. Over on the Patreon, which we're going to go over to right now. Right now.

If you really like the podcast, do you want to support us? We're a fully independent podcast. So if you sign up to our Patreon for, I think it's £4.50 a month. Four pounds, £5,000 a month? If you're based in the UK, you get a whole extra episode every single week. Extra episode every single week. We've also got a top tier that you can subscribe to where you get our monthly film pods. We're about to record our latest one, Freddie got fingered.

And also our experiences pods because we are going to be spending an entire day in a weather spoons. I've blocked out the Saturday. Yeah. We've got to get up at like five in the morning to get to whichever one we're going to go to. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Oh, man. It's going to be rough.

Yeah. How are you going to treat like... The rule is we need to have three meals. Yeah. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. We've got to have that there. Yeah. I guess we'll just snack and stuff during the day.

Just constantly order hash browns to the table, maybe. Yeah, maybe that. And then, I mean, do we have to treat it like a staggy where you go, obviously a pint on arrival? Ooh. But I then don't really want to be drinking until, like, at least 9 p.m. Because we then have another four hours after that. It's a 16-hour. We fly to Singapore.

It's longer than that. It's longer. It's longer than it takes to fly direct to Japan. We're flying to the furthest bit of Russia. But what if they treated it like we're on a flight and they start pushing a trolley around selling us aftershave in Weatherspoles. A liter of aftershave. I'm sure there is a man in Weatherspoon selling off a dufflesab.

We have a duffer bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, once a month, the George Pod, if you get on the Patreon. Oh, yes, of course, yeah. George Four Acres from SNL, UK. Yeah. joins us once a month to do a fun little George Pot. So that's all the kind of cool stuff you get for being a patron.

We're still, if you've noticed that the set is still collapsed behind Glenn, we're still in the process of moving to a studio. And we can do that thanks to you guys listening and also especially thanks to the patron. So thank you very much. And we'll see you next week. See you next week. Blah bye. Blah, blah.