Business Innovators Radio - Deidre Beacham: Take off the “Nice Girl Mask” and Find Your Power Voice

Episode Date: June 17, 2024

Deidre Beacham Empowers Women to Step Into Their Power of VoiceIn this episode, Dr. Tami Patzer talks with Deidre Beacham, a renowned visibility Catalyst who has been empowering women since 2008 to be seen in all their power. Deidre specializes in helping women find the courage to step into their power of voice and overcome the limitations of the “nice girl” mask through her unique mentoring approach. Her journey of self-discovery and her impactful 27-month experiment have reshaped her coaching methods and inspired many women to reclaim their true selves.Deidre shares how she realized that it wasn’t enough for women to simply “believe in themselves.” She discovered that the only way to truly believe in oneself is to know and love oneself, which requires shedding the “nice girl” training that so many women have internalized. Through a combination of somatic practices, daily meditation, and journaling, Deidre was able to rewire her brain and overcome her own fear of being visible and authentic.This episode is a must-listen for any woman who has struggled with stepping into her power and finding the courage to share her voice. Deidre’s insights on the transformative power of self-acceptance and her strategies for helping women overcome the “nice girl mask” are invaluable. Listeners will be inspired to embrace their authentic selves and unlock their full potential.To learn more about Deidre Beacham and her work, visit her website at DeirdreBeacham.com or connect with her on Facebook and YouTube. Her monthly workshops offer a supportive community and practical guidance for women seeking to become more visible and confident in their own skin.Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/

Welcome to Business Innovators Radio, featuring industry influencers and trendsetters, sharing proven strategies to help you build a better life right now. Hi, everyone. This is Dr. Tammy Passer, and today our special guest is Deidre Beecham. She is a renowned visibility catalyst who has been empowering women since 2008 to be seen in all their power. Dider specializes in helping women find the courage to step into their power of voice and to overcome the limitations of the nice girl mask. Through her unique mentoring approach, she has transformed countless lives, encouraging radical self-acceptance and visibility. Didera's journey of self-discovery and her impactful 27-month experiment has reshaped her coaching methods and inspired. and inspired many women to reclaim their true selves.

Let's dive into this enlightening conversation with Diedra Beecham. Welcome, Diedra. Thank you so much for having you, family. It is amazing. Just, you know, the little short intro can have so much impact and power. So let's just start off first. Can you tell me a little bit about how you help. women discover and step into that power voice?

Sure. It's so funny. I used to think that having a powerful voice or having a powerful presence all had to do with doing things a certain way, right? Yet there was a strategy involved and you made sure you had to follow a certain way of doing things. And belief. That's all you needed. You just need to believe. You just believe in yourself.

And that worked great for me for a long time until I realized that it wasn't that somebody needed to have somebody to believe in them. They needed so much more to believe in themselves. And the only way to believe in yourself is to truly know yourself and fall in love with yourself. It's the only way to get past all of the negative self-talks. all a negative self-taught has been built in and put there by somebody else and you're just continuing it. That's interesting because right now I have the great pleasure of working with my little granddaughters, one's three and one's four. And sometimes they'll say things to me. And I'm like, where in the world did you get that? Because I know it wasn't from me. And so they

pick up these things out in the world. And like you said, it starts very early, this negative self-talk. In the intro, I mentioned that you not only work on the power voice, but the nice girl mask. So can you tell me exactly what that is and why is it crucial that we take that nice girl mask off? Yeah, absolutely. And first I want to clarify that taking the nice girl mask off doesn't mean you're still not a kind person. I'm not talking about taking a nice mask off and being a jerk. What I'm talking about is the nice girl mask or nice girl training that a lot of us, especially in my age group, you know, 50s, we were taught to act a certain way, which was always in deference to our own desires. And I went from there to church. And

where everybody's needs were greater than my own and every and all put on somebody else and then the same thing in my marriage so it's and it's all about being nice and subverting my own desires my own needs because somebody else needs it and then there's this training that goes on where you know so my I'm I was trained for years to put everybody else's needs so far above my own that I didn't even know what my own were anymore even as a business owner and moving forward I found that when I was doing videos because I pushed past all of the things that said that I wasn't worthy and I wasn't important enough and who wants to listen to you which was all that nice girl training, you know, keep your voice small, be small,

be compliant to everybody else's needs and not your own. And in trying to get rid of that, it was absolutely terrifying because I was so used to performing. So I was always performing in my videos. But then I was still not being truly visible. was still wasn't being truly authentic. And being authentic terrified me. Absolutely terrified me.

Because who wants to listen to me in my authentic voice? Nobody did growing up. And it's just a message that came through. And I realized so much that was attached to shame. And just that's a lot of nice girl training is just instilling shame in who you are so that you can become compliant to all of the deeds. desires around you. And so I realize that even as very, very successful women, I know women have multiple degrees and multiple certifications and still don't feel worthy. And so for me, I have

found that a lot of the times it's that nice girl mask. And taking that nice girl mask off means finding who you are and putting boundaries in place, still being a kind person, but knowing what those boundaries are for yourself. So if somebody crosses them, you can correct them for the boundary and let them know if you cross this boundary again, this is what's going to happen because I'm going to protect me. I'm going to protect me. And the more you protect yourself, the more you love yourself, that those boundaries get stronger. And it's okay being your self and being your authentic self everywhere all the time. It's just, it takes a lot of the fear away. It's interesting because as you were talking, I remember in my high school and the annual

to a very nice girl, you know, and over time, this wherever it got instilled, it was about taking care of other people. And like you said, we were. we're trained to be this certain way and about not allowing who we are to stand up for ourselves. And even now, a lot of times I know my mother used to say to me, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. So you grow up with not saying anything and it might not even be about saying something nice, but if someone attacks you or something, I know my go-to is silence. Yes, absolutely. Like, don't say anything at all because you're going to agitate it.

Or I remember being told by someone, I was a managing editor of a newspaper, which was a pretty big deal at the time for a woman to be at that level. And I remember some guy saying to me, you're too aggressive. And the fact was, no, I was assertive and I was trying to lead this organization during a very interesting time. But everything you're saying, I can really see how many women, and we shrink, just like you said, about talking about whatever your area of expertise is doing the videos and the work I do, I help people get on TV. Sometimes they say they want to do it and then they pull back.

They don't want to do it because they're afraid of what will other people think. Who am I to be out there sharing my message? And you've had a journey and you're now known as the visibility catalyst. So tell me about that. Obviously, you learn how to take that mask off, how to have a more powerful voice. So tell me more about how did you become the visibility catalyst? You know, I had been helping women to get on video for years. but again, to perform on video, to perform on video for years.

And as marketing changed and as the world changed and the advent of AI, I just thought for the future, it's going to be so much more critically important for people to be authentic. I was teaching people to perform, which is what AI can do. AI can perform. I'm sorry, I really have to take a chip of water. So AI can perform. And so what makes you any difference as a performer to AI? So it was really important for me to figure out how could I be authentic on camera? And I couldn't do it. I've been telling people be bold, be you since 2008. And I couldn't do that. I couldn't authentically do it. So I spent 27. months and that 27 months is based on um gosh we can't think of the name of the book isn't that horrible i'll think of later i'll let you know it was based on a book um that habits you know people say a habit takes 30 days or a habit takes 21 days people have all these different ideas of how long it it has it takes and what this person's concept was well it may be a habit but habit does it is it really

who you are and in order for something to become who you are that it really takes 27 months. And I thought, well, that's an interesting concept. I don't know if it's true or not, but I'm going to go with it. Could I, could I change the way I think? Could I change who I am in 27 months? Can I actually do that? And so I through a combination of somatic practices and not that I'm an expert, I just got information from other sources, daily meditation, daily journaling. And I did actually try to brainwash myself, I believe I have. Well, I had a headband that I wore at night that has, you know, it's a headphones. It's night headphones so you can sleep and turn and it had mantras and changing the way I thought.

You're incredible and you're powerful. I believe those things now. I'm not scared of what somebody is going to say. And it took a lot more than that. It wasn't just those things, but it started a change the synapses in my brain. and I started seeing opportunities and welcoming opportunities as opposed to pushing them off and making myself small. That's an interesting concept of what you just said. So in other words, in this 27-month experiment, you were able to expand the way you thought.

And I always, the word authentic is a word that everybody says, you know, you need to be authentic. And yet, how do you become authentic? Because sometimes, you know how they're always teachers and coaches are always saying, tell your story, be real, get real. But you have so many stories. It isn't like we have one story, but it's always like they always want you to go to the worst possible event in your life that you survived or overcame and tell that story. And I always think to myself, well, what if that story isn't the story you should be telling? Yes, it happened. It's a true story.

But is that being authentic because that's one story out of your thousands. of stories that you tell and that you develop. But you're talking, you actually changed your brain wiring, I guess the wiring of your brain. And how did that transform how you mentored and coached people? Because like you said, you'd been teaching people to perform. And then you did this experiment on yourself. now how do you help people?

Yeah, because in the process of doing this, yes, I changed my mind and it helped me to lower my anxiety, et cetera. But what I realized is that there were layers and layers and layers of self-protection. and each one of those layers of self-protection went back to something. And it wasn't a matter of ignoring that, which is what I was asking people to do with performing. It's just just ignore all that. Just push through. Be courageous. Make it until you make it.

I did all that. I taught all that. And now what I realize is that, you know, and I think one of the things that, also changed me during this is I'd have a granddaughter now. And I watch her and we're all amazed by her and she's not performing. She's just being herself. She's not thinking. Nobody's instilled with her in her yet because it will happen in her yet of don't do it that way. Even if it hasn't even if it's not hurting anybody, it's just because somebody decided they didn't want her to be that way. And so what I'm helping people do, women especially, is to look back and

say, okay, you've got this thing. You think that you can't be on camera because somebody's going to judge you. You can look, who's judging you? Who judged you? And now you're judging yourself. So what is it about yourself that is so horrific? What is it? And sometimes just that question is enough to go, wait a minute, but I don't think I'm horrific. And then it really gets back to, excuse me, it'll get back, it'll get back to, okay, well, whatever that is, because not everybody can get back to what it is. Sometimes you don't. It's blocked, but it's okay.

And the whole point for me is to help people say, okay, you know what, that's okay, whatever it is. You were judged, you judge yourself. You don't have to judge yourself anymore. Stop that. That's an old story and you can change that story. Right now you can change that story and be powerful and share who you are. But that's going to be scary until you truly get down to loving yourself and loving yourself no matter what.

Even if like I wouldn't have been caught dead 27 months ago, you never would have caught me dead without sleeves on. Never. Are you kidding? I have cellulite and you're not supposed to do that. A woman my age should not wear a shirtless. Yeah, I'm not on camera. But no, I know exactly what you're saying. I have a little granddaughter too and she sings and she dances

and she just runs with this great abandon. And I applaud her, literally, I applaud her and I encourage her to sing and to dance and to do whatever it is because I remember people telling me, you know, don't sing, don't dance, don't do this. You know, it was almost like, don't be a little kid, you know, when you are, you know, this happy child who loves. to sing and do nursery rhymes and things. And like you said, being on camera is something that people need to. Today, we need to be visible. We need to be able to talk to the people if we have a product or a service or even just want to share what's going on that could help somebody else with move forward.

forward and you have a story about helping an online equestrian business and you gave them a video visibility strategy and I want people who are afraid to be on camera to really take away you know from you today hey you can be visible and use this strategy tell me how this equestrian business use video because that's kind of a unique business and they went from 250,000 to more than a million. Can you tell me that story? Yeah, sure. Just be very frank, it was my mom's business. And I had, I was working with video and I called her up and I said, this is crazy. She was traveling all over the country to shows and it cost for thousands, thousands of dollars to have. pack everything up and ship it across to Massachusetts, for example, and go to a show,

go to a convention. And it was long distance riding. That was her focus, helping riders that had long distance riders. So she had all the attack and equipment for them. And I thought, this is just crazy. You really need to use video. Just start using video. And she just wouldn't.

She was absolutely terrified on video because, you know, she taught me. So she was even more scared than I was. And we put together a strategy where I was interviewing her to help her to calm, be calm during shoots. And eventually she started doing her own videos. But we put together a whole strategy and got vendors together so that they were giving things away for her to give away on our videos. And it was really incredible. And yeah, in two years we went from, took it from a quarter million dollars a year to a million dollars a year. And shortly thereafter, she actually sold it.

Well, sometimes that is the plan. Yes, that was actually. Create something and make it so valuable that you can exit that, you know, and sell it because she made it valuable. And put that step. Well, yeah, she was finally able to sell something that somebody didn't have to travel all over the country for, that they could be in their one location, have a brick and mortar business, and be successful because we proved that it was possible. And I think that's one of the things that COVID did for a lot of people, was it proved that

you don't have to travel all over if you do have some type of other strategy because of the fact that we do have video. I know television, pre-2020, most interviews had to be live in the way. the studio. Now they'll do a Zoom type interview with people. So it opened up a lot of possibility for people who didn't want to travel or didn't have the budget to travel. They can now do it from home. I wanted to ask you about the financial advisor because I work with a lot of financial advisors and coaches and just a lot of different people, authors. And you're right. You're right. You're afraid to be on video.

So how did you help this financial advisor get on video so that she could be authentic and be more confident? Yeah, she was fun. We were networking together, a part of a group. And another woman in the group had interviewed her for another program. And she was like, I'm never going to get on video again. They kept talking. at her business that she needed to start doing video.

Everybody needed to start doing video. And I told her, I was certain that I could help her. And she said, no, it can't possible. So we eventually got together and sat down with her. And the biggest thing was the voices that she was listening to as soon as we sat down in front of a camera, it wasn't even on them.

And the voices that she had in her head was about her hair and about her hair wasn't right. And she kept asking about her hair and her clothing. And she's top professional, just absolute top professional. And while we were sitting there, I asked her, I just started talking to her about how incredible she was and about the different people she had helped. And I asked her different people that she had helped and the successes that she had had. And as she heard herself go through all of the successes she had and how amazing she was and all the friends that she had, she started realizing that she could do this, that she was, she was amazing.

And she wasn't actually as scared as she was. And then I told her that the camera had been running. And she had this immediate shake scare. And then she realized, oh, wait a minute. I was talking naturally just a moment ago and I was fine and we watched over it. And that's what people don't realize. So many people I can get past just that first jolt with a lot of people with just having them watch themselves naturally and realize that they look so much better and so much more amazing that they think. And it's because of these negative messages that they got growing up and they're still continuing them in their own head.

and sometimes you just need to record yourself being natural just to realize that all the things that you're thinking about yourself in your natural state just aren't true. That's the natural state is why you have the friends that you have. So that's so interesting. I have a son and he's out in the, I guess, Facebook dating world. and so he'll tell me a pet peeve of his is when the women use filters so they don't look anything like they really do in real life and and when he sees the Facebook posts where the people are you can tell that they didn't filter themselves he's like oh that's what they really look like because he's gone out on dates and he goes to meet them in person. and it's like he doesn't even recognize them because they use such heavy filters in their Facebook that they don't even remotely look like themselves. And so the advice I'm getting from him is just be you, just like what you're saying,

is when you go out in the real world, people are going to see you anyway. That's a bloating way. Yeah, speakers, I apologize, but this is crazy. there are people that are speakers. I mean, you're going to be, people are going to see you. Right. And that idea of the hair, the clothing, some of that has actually been instilled by like media trainers or broadcasting. I was just listening on NPR the other day where this black woman said she never worked in front of the camera because back in the 70s, because back in the 70s she had a big afro and she did not want to mess with her hair. And back then everybody was saying, oh, you have to have straightened hair.

And so she deliberately just worked behind the camera so that she didn't have to deal with somebody telling her you're not good enough because you have a certain type of hair. And if you look at Oprah, you can see how she's transitioned. You know, she's very famous and well-loved, but you can actually see the different variations of her hair over the years. And I just thought that was interesting. Things like that, oh, I don't like the way my hair looks. My hair is too short. My hair's too long. I actually worked with a guy who was supposed to.

supposed to be a media trainer. And he kept telling women to cut their hair. And a lot of these women had really beautiful long hair. And it's like, well, you cut your hair. It'll look better on camera. And it's like, number one, I would never tell someone, oh, yeah, you should cut your hair because of this one five-minute interview. You know, it just didn't make sense to me. But this nice girl training, you know, I agree. We've been taught to be a certain way, and then now we're told be you, be authentic, and we do need help with that. So how do you work with people and how can they reach out to you? Oh, yeah, thanks for asking. I run monthly workshops. Every other month, There is a three-day, you know, it's an hour a day for three days online.

And then on the opposite months, I do an in-person training in-person training in my area, which is the Raleigh-Durham area. And, yeah, so it just go to Facebook, my name, Deidre Beecham. I almost always will talk about my workshop right there on my personal page. And on YouTube. So during this three day, one hour a day for three days, what are you covering in that? So we're covering the basis to, and my mind just went, basically everything that you would need to get out of that nice girl training mode and understanding. the powerful, the powerfulness that you have inside of you. I was talk about how it's not a matter of uncovering or becoming.

You already are powerful. That's, it's just hidden under all of the shame. It's just hidden under shame and to-dos and what you were supposed to do. And over the three days, it's asking questions in a workshop format also with other participants so that we can help each other to grow and see each other for who we are. I was told for years how amazing I was before I ever understood it or saw it. So in that group format, it helps to see each other and to come to a recognition. And then each one will have the ability to figure out what they would need to do in order

to make continual changes over time. And then we have a group format that is available for them after the workshop. So the whole idea is becoming more visible and using the power of your own voice so that you can just be who you are. And that is obviously good enough. And all of us, we do, we have these. we're all so unique in everything we do. And like you said, the fact that your mom, you know, took a equestrian business online and just in a couple years went from a quarter, you know, $250,000 to a million, that's a pretty huge increase in just allowing yourself to be authentic.

So I think that's really phenomenal. And your story about the financial advisor too, I meet brilliant people every single day and have these conversations with them. And so I'm always learning about them. And yet, out of all the people I talk to, there's still hundreds or thousands more who won't even push the button for a simple interview because of that fear, that nice girl mask that they have and the fear of, you know, being recorded or being on a video or... Part of the whole nice girl training is this need to be perfect. That unless you can present it perfectly, unless you can present it perfectly for yourself and be perfect, then it shouldn't be presented. Yeah, well, I make mistakes all the time in my interest.

and sometimes I'll stop, you know, and it depends on, but a lot of times I'm saying, that was like a second. It isn't going to matter in the course of this entire conversation, you know, that I missed, my tongue got twisted when I was saying something. And I had to get over that. Yeah, I would not do an interview like this. unless I had every single question written out and the answer written out, and I would have it on the screen.

I would have it on the screen. I'm not against outlines. I have no problem with outlines. But we are missing the authenticity of just having a conversation and being ourselves when we have every single and this need for perfection. We're not perfect. People aren't perfect. And that's, and so that's what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about authenticity. It's not, let's go get your deepest, darkest story and share that. And that's going to make you authentic and connect to people. Well, it is if it has something to do with what you're doing. Right. But having a conversation, I think having a conversation is much, it's, if you've ever been in a restaurant and you've been listened to people at the next table, having this really juicy conversation.

You're kind of leaning in because you want to hear it. That's how I kind of view my conversations on my shows is like we're having this personal conversation that people want to lean into to listen to because there's some gold that they can pull out of it. You know, some one little nugget of information could make the difference for somebody. And I think what we've been talking about. talking about today. There was a lot of gold nuggets in it. Like you said, we're not perfect. You can be on camera and your hair doesn't have to be a certain way or the clothing you wear.

Yes, there's advice about, you know, don't wear clanky earrings that rub on your microphone. where don't wear tiny print you know where don't wear green or you'll be a floating head on a green screen I mean there are there is real advice right but the truth is I like you said you know take off that nice girl mask find that power voice and be authentic and get visible in any way that that you can Can you repeat how people can get a hold of you again, Diedra? Yeah, absolutely. On Facebook, it is my name, D-E-I-D-R-E-B-E-E-B-E-A-C-H-A-M, so just D-R-Becham. And my website as well is D-D-R-Bicham.

And I'm on YouTube as D-R-B-E-R-Bicham. Well, that makes it easy. So D-D-R-Becham. You can find her on Facebook and on you. go check out the videos and go to her website and find out about the different programs that she offers on a regular basis. So, Deidre, before I let you go, do you have any last comment? Yeah, self-exploration. One of the things that I like to tell people is visibility is an inside job. It's the more visible you get to yourself, the more visible you can allow yourself.

to be out in the world. And I know one of the things that really blew my mind away is when I realized that I had high masking ADHD. And when that happened, there was such a sense of relief and an awareness that all of the things that I had been beating myself up for my whole life was just this thing that I had. it shouldn't take a diagnosis for you to accept yourself. Just accept yourself. That's the last thing I would just like to leave people with is accept yourself and be forgiving

and gracious for what goes on in your head. Have boundaries and love yourself and move forward. Everyone right there, like I said, gold nuggets. I highly recommend that if you didn't take notes during this conversation, go back, listen to it again with that perspective of what Deidre just said. And listen to it again and you'll pick up a lot more great gold nuggets and information. Everyone, this is Dr. Tammy Patser. Go make it a beautiful day. Thanks for listening.

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