Business Innovators Radio - Dr. Saida Desilets & Aaron Michael, MA – Mark Stephen Pooler

Episode Date: August 31, 2023

Dr. Saida Desilets & Aaron Michael, MA Dr. Saida Desilets Dr. Saida Désilets wants to live in a world filled with audacious, sexually sovereign people, living life on their own terms. As a TEDx speaker, researcher, counter-culture creatrix, body-philosopher, and author, her work has touched the lives of millions globally. Dr. Saida’s innovative approach to PsychoSexuality, desire, and pleasure invites both the public and professionals to better understand the importance of accessing their erotic genius. @drsaidadesiletsAaron Michael , MAAaron Michael, author of Optimal Sex life, creator of Bedroom Masterclass, and Sex and Intimacy Coach, has dedicated himself to helping others discover, explore and integrate their sexual sovereignty by providing a no bs, adult, sex positive sex education. As the founder of Suction Sex—a new method for the embodiment of penetrative sex—he created the Bedroom Masterclass online courses to support individuals to be able to give and receive ecstatic pleasure as well as enhance their mental and physical arousal. @suctionsexSource: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/dr-saida-desilets-aaron-michael-ma-mark-stephen-pooler

Welcome to Business Innovators Radio, featuring industry influencers and trendsetters, sharing proven strategies to help you build a better life right now. Welcome to Brilliant Business TV, conversations with leading experts in business. I am your host, Mark Stephen Pula. We have wonderful guests on the show today. It makes a change for me having a couple on the show as well. which will be a really interesting conversation. And our topic today is all around relationships. So I'm really looking forward to a conversation with Dr. Seda and Aaron. So stay tuned for a great conversation. We are streaming live on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube.

We're also on the E360 TV network under fresh takes going out to Apple TV, Fire TV, Android, Roku. and many more. We're also on Business Innovators Radio Network, and we're also on MSPNewsGlobal.com, and our new hosts as well, USA Global Radio and Television Network. So stay tuned for a great conversation. Let's bring in our incredible guests, Dr. Seda and Darren. Welcome both. Thank you for having us. I'm really looking forward to a conversation with you today. I just need to breathe after that big intro and that big note that I've had to say. So how are you both firstly?

Well, we're doing really good here in Turkey, enjoying some really nice warm weather and busy doing a lot of work. You've got to medical protocols, filming courses, teaching live events. But yeah, loving it. It's been very productive and also lovely break up the workday with a nice swim in the Asian Sea and some lovely Turkish food. It seems lovely. And also filming all of your TikTok. You seem to be on TikTok, sorry, not TikTok, Instagram. You may be on TikTok as well.

I'll have to follow you there. But I see you a lot on Instagram with your amazing videos. So I want to get started with my first question. why are you passionate about what you do? Go ahead. Okay. Well, first of all, I find human beings fascinating. And human beings that have pleasure in their body,

they're joyous, they're happy, they're really fantastic to be around. We're in a world that has a lot of problems. People who are going to solve those problems are people who are not in a reactive state, but a creative state. To be in a creative state, you need to actually be able to have pleasure in your body.

So I'm very strong advocate for supporting people to understand how to self-regulate and how to self-generate these states so they can be more effective and also express their genius in the world. And I believe that what society needs is a different way to be relating to one another. And we do a lot of different things trying to affect the world on the outside. But people know now more or less that they need to be working from the inside out. but they don't typically apply that to their relationships. And so the ability to really have healthy, loving relationships is going to impact future generations, the current generation, as well as just society at large.

And I think that that starts not just in terms of how people communicate to one another outside of the bedroom, but definitely how they do inside the bedroom. Your beliefs are so similar to mine. I definitely know rather than trying to change the reflection, it's an inside job. And also you talked about self-regulation as well. I'm very big on doing breath work. I do breath work every single day. I've also just discovered some amazing exercises as well.

It's called Trey, Trauma Release Exercises. where you stretch the soas muscle and your body shakes and it releases all past traumas as well. These are little tools that I use, but talk about some of the tools that you use with your self-regulation. Sure. So the most simple tool we all have, as you just mentioned, is breath, the ability to regulate your breath. Also the ability to feel and sense your body. So I'm a strong advocate for increasing our sensuality. Sensuality is how we make sense of reality.

So through not being afraid of sensuality and maybe claiming it back from its hijacked place because it's been a bit hijacked by the porn industry and people think sensuality immediately lead to sex, which isn't true. And so bringing back that sensibility, that sensuality is really crucial for self-regulatory. It also just kind of ups the quality of life because you start to enjoy the simple things.

Like whatever beverage you love to drink in the morning becomes something that inspires you. Maybe a touch, maybe something you see starts to enliven you. And that quality of life is a choice. And so by harnessing sensuality, you can increase your quality of life quite dramatically. Go ahead. No, you go ahead. I was just going to say that I love that you mentioned breathwork because breath is really where life starts. It's also where life ends and the ability to bring in as well one's voice, one's touch, one's movement, one's posture.

These are all important things that we put a lot of time and energy into and understand is important in self-improvement. And if we start to look at a relationship as not just simply two, individuals, but that unit that forms as a synergistic one, and you'll hear even in religious circles, they'll talk about sacred union and things of that nature. Well, how do we then begin to apply all of those factors, breath, voice, movement, posture, and touch inside of the bedroom so that we can really have transformative experiences because that's what it means on the relational landscape to work from the inside out. And that's a part that, frankly, the biggest educator out there is pornography, which is filmed as a performative act as opposed to something that is about

connection, intimacy, pleasure and playfulness. And I find as well, when you do do breath work as well, it connects the mind and the body as well, whereas if you're in your head all of the time, that's not a good place to be. And I find when you do breath work, it allows you to come back into the body and it calms the mind down as well. What is the scene? You go ahead if you want to ask. I'm just going to add to, because you mentioned the importance of self-regulating and then the ability to calm oneself down.

And I just wanted to add that that is the same way then that couples can self-regulate their relationship when things start to spin out of control. A lot of times you'll almost hear that the next level of therapy is to then take that Zen moment that you might have with yourself and then bring it into a relationship. And the way then to create that self-regulation is by sharing these different types of practices together. And the art of lovemaking and the beauty in that is exactly what that serves the purpose as. It's really important as well because so many people are in bad relationships and it's things like

this that can really bring people together and stop a lot of all. arguments, stop a lot of traumas getting in the way of relationships, because if yourself regulated, you can give the best to each other as well. What is the significant impact of your work a message? Well, there's quite a bit. I've been in this industry for a very, very long time. I think probably the most significant impact is going to be on the individual level, almost like a quiet revolution where every single person is encouraged to feel at home in their own body, to be able to trust themselves, trust their body, and develop a sense of self-confidence and radiance. And this particular skill set happens by the primary relationship, which is first with self.

And that abundant place, when you start to feel like, I'm gourmet, I have this gourmet plate, I'm no longer going to be a beggar in my relating. then now you have something beautiful to offer instead of bargaining for love or for sex, which is traditionally how a lot of things are done. Yes. Did you want to add on that, Aaron? Well, I was just going to say that, you know, a lot of, once you've gone through really doing that internal work and establishing that self-confidence with oneself, that is going to drastically transform then

the way that you maybe have certain kinds of relations. patterns, either due to epigenetics, due to family relations, due to the boyfriends and girlfriends that people have a tendency to choose over and over again, and being able to really start to value oneself and find oneself worth, when you can do that, then you will no longer be looking for that, you know, Prince Charming or the perfect person to make everything all of a sudden make sense in your life because there is an idea that we need to sort of almost romantically wait for the perfect one to complete us but until we're able to complete ourselves then we never can really come together in a complementary way that really supplements one

another the idea that we should get fixed by finding someone else almost brings up to me the analogy of two ticks without a dog. Yes. It's really, really important what you're saying. It's about being whole and complete within yourself and then the relationship is like the cherry on the top rather than you looking outside of you to fix yourself or thinking that there's something missing within yourself. But I must say it is a journey.

It does take self-work and healing and healing a lot of. trauma and going in and changing some of those limiting beliefs as well. Do you agree with that? It is a journey and it doesn't happen overnight. Well, it's both a journey and it's also a process. And I think that's what our work does is it allows people to find, well, what is the process? What are the predictive steps that we can go through? So that way then when we get into that relationship, we can then readdress the same things that

we thought we had to do on our own, but on yet a deeper level. And then the beauty of that is, is as opposed to just looking at, well, we just need to reach that destination. And now I have the happily ever after. Instead, you're able to approach one another and start to go even deeper and look at a relationship as an adventure, as curiosity, and not just only safety, which is extremely important. but the ability to kind of develop and then even go beyond that and bring one another into an optimal state. We often miss out on the opportunity that relationships can be transformative in the same way that our actions and our daily practices and daily behaviors can transform us into not an idealized self, which is this kind of perfect concept, but an actual optimized self.

where we work with what we have and find the beauty of bringing that together with what another person has to offer. Did you want to add on that, Dr. Seda? I just think it's really important for people to understand a few things. One is that first romantic intent that a lot of people have, especially if they're younger, you know, that very special someone and that whole white picket fence, marriage, dog, two and half kids' fantasy. And for some, that's true. for others it's not. So that's something that, okay, is a motivational factor, but it tends to be very problematic because it's a learned desire. It's not always an authentic desire. Then there's

the other part where it's like, okay, well, we're come together. We're going to heal each other and empower each other. That's also lovely, but I really believe your relationship should not be your therapy. That that needs to be done if you really need that with another person, a professional. So I think what I really think relationships at the heart, where they're going to thrive a lot more is what are you creating together? What would you love? If that is the central focus, you're going to have a lifetime of something very extraordinary because it's not just a place where you go once and tick it off and then you're done. You're going to constantly be creating until your very last breath. To co-create with someone is quite extraordinary.

It's also an ongoing journey as well because some people may go on a journey of becoming whole and complete and then get into a relationship and then give up on all of the stuff that got them there. So they might stop doing their breathwork, they might stop working on their beliefs and things like that. So I think it's good to remember that it's a lifelong journey, isn't it? It's not something that you just do and get whole and complete and then you give up all of these practices. Well, Mark, let me dive into that just a little deeper there. So I think you're on a very important point. We often will choose a partner because of chemistry, which is absolutely fabulous. I believe it's very important.

I don't want to trash romance. But if romance is strictly based off of, well, the look in the person's eyes or that they drive me crazy, or there's just this thing that I don't know, or, you know, I've always loved a person that has this certain height or whatever that idealized self is, if you were really to look at all of those things and then ask the simple question, well, are those values by which you would then think that this person would be a good father or a good mother or a good partner? All of a sudden, those things kind of go, oh, well, actually, they don't really translate into what the true things are that, build a good relationship, which is if you have good economic stability, if you have the ability to have shared common values and communicate, as well as then a sexual relationship. These are the things that make for strong partnerships. And if all we do is kind of look at the things that are just extraneous to that, because of a certain look or this je ne se qua, then you don't really end up having the objective ability to go, you know what, these are not the things that really translate

into a partner. It's stuff that kind of makes us drunk on love for a time period, but that effect will fade for sure within probably six months to, well, you hear of the seven-year itch. Did you want to add on that, Dr. Zada? No, I think we're good on that particular point. I would like to add as well, when you're doing the senior work as well, there was. reflection gets better as well. I think when you change inside, you get the best out of other people as well, because it's so easy to become a victim and see people as perpetrators or you see yourself as a victim. But I think when you are whole and complete, you can really see the good in others as well.

And then people can show up better for you. Does that resonate with you as well? Absolutely. Very much, so. So what are the biggest challenges your clients have? There's quite a few, so maybe we'll just do more of the top ones, because there is a huge variety of challenge. For a lot of the ladies that I work with, a challenge could be simply that they don't trust their own bodies, they're not feeling pleasure, they're feeling quite insecure,

and then when they enter a relationship, they're more in a very anxious state. around relating and end up bargaining a lot so they end up kind of in this mess and so that's a big challenge so part of their work is to start having a better capacity to respect themselves and have really healthy boundaries what I've noticed is there's a relationship between there's both physical and emotional things however there isn't almost a separation so So for instance, I typically will be dealing with people that are experiencing everything from pain and anger, which have a tendency to go together. There is also fear and anxiety, which has to go with on a physical level, a lot of tension held

within the body. Then in terms of boredom, there's typically a lot of numbness in the body, which is probably actually the most underrated thing I would say in society when it comes to sexual and relational health because by definition, you do not feel numbness and you can't really, really notice boredom in some sense because you're often trying to think and grab different things that you're wanting in life to fill a hole that's missing. And then lastly, I would say also that there is a good amount of guilt and shame. which on a physical level has a lot to do with kind of like hiding oneself,

speaking negatively to oneself, having a poor self image. Just great points. There's so many things I could touch on there. I mean, fear is one thing. I think fear is something that everyone on the planet has an issue with at some point. And I'm just starting to overcome a lot of my fears, which is great. as well and guilt and shame as well. And they're things that people don't normally talk about because when there's guilt,

shame or fear, these are normally things that people keep to themselves because they feel guilty or a shame that they're even having some of these things, don't they? Absolutely. Yeah. So part of shame research has shown, however,

that if you're able to share, speak to, expose the thing that you have shame around, it actually starts to heal because they say that shame can only grows in silence. Yes. So part of the coaching that the way that we work with people is to start to create a safe space where all of these things can be discussed in such a way that you transform them into empowering experiences versus a contracted shutting down experience. This is really One of the things that I love working with sciataphore is because I feel that the way she works with the body and deals with mental frameworks fits very well together with the psychosomatic approach that I, that I'm using. And ultimately, a lot of talk therapy will pretty much get you in touch with the pain, the shame, the boredom and the fear. But as I was saying, we have the ability.

to help people transform that, to actually turn pain and anger into bliss and pleasure, the ability to take fear and anxiety and turn it into calmness and relaxation, the ability to take boredom and numbness into sensation, as well as novel excitement. And then finally, with shame and guilt, as she was saying that it only exists in hiding. And so the ability to then communicate and be celebrated are some of the things that just truly build intimacy in a way that goes so much farther than just having a relationship that functions, but actually one that thrives. It's really, really important work, what you're both doing, because these are problems and

issues that so, so many people do face. And I also think self-forgiveness is really important learning to forgive your and not judging yourself as well for having fears or having shame or having guilt. This is something that I would go as far as say that everyone on the planet has an issue with at some point in their life. It's such important work that you're doing both. With divorce rates anywhere between 40 to 50% how do you help couples create better long-lasting relationships?

I'm so happy you ask that question. It's really important because stable couples, stable relationships create stable societies. And it's really important, especially if those couples have children because they're being imprinted. They're the next generation that's literally learning. This is how you relate. So a lot of the work that we do with couples is to teach them actual real tangible practices to do together that generate. that generates more intimacy, that generates more respect and curiosity and connection. Hi, Ray.

Well, often we'll jokingly say, you handle your finances and will help you with your communication as well as your sexual, as well as your sexual intimacy. And if people can start to find this combination of solution inside their relationship, they're already taking out the primary three factors that I mentioned earlier for why there is divorce, which is economics, not having shared values or communication, and then a lack of sexual intimacy. And ultimately, if relations can start to build themselves around these factors, then imagine what happens inside of communities that then starts to have these shared factors. And then what happens to societies and civilizations that can build healthy economies,

healthy shared values, healthy communication with one another, as well as healthy sexual relations. And all of a sudden you have a very, very different landscape of societal change. And I want to say, Mark, I've brought some of these ideas to senators and to the UN. I've had some very deep conversations with leadership. And they all told me, it's a pipe dream. What are you doing? There's no laws. There's nothing institutionalized yet to really make these.

things happen. I said, no, no, no, I don't care about that. I care about the individuals, the powers and the people. As individuals learn to love more and really understand how to claim that part of their life, then the laws and everything else will change. It will have to because we'll meet that crucial point where enough people are asking for those things because they're living it. I don't think people need to wait for governmental legislation and policies and permission in order to start right now living better, more secure, more empowered lives. This is really about exercising and claiming one sovereignty. I think so much more people now are becoming awake to looking after their mental health

and looking after being more emotionally regulated. So I think it's great work that you're doing and your chance. changing the world one person at a time as well. Why do you feel it's important that the governing bodies support healthy relational dynamics in their population? Well, again, it's the factor of stable society. So ever since the lockdowns, gender-based violence has gone up like skyrocketed. In some countries, it's over 600%. This means that people are literally dying, you know, with domestic violence.

It's extremely high. This causes a lot of instability in societies and a lot of problems and way too much trauma. So if we want to start changing that, we need to start teaching the ordinary average person, just the everyday person. Here's what you do to pattern interrupt this. Here's what you do to process the things that weren't so nice in your life. And here's what you do to move into creating what you would love. These things must be given to the.

everyday person and not just held for elite groups or private groups. There was actually a study that was done after the first lockdown and they found the number one factor for relational, psychological and physical health was having a healthy sex life with your partner. And this is so absolutely overlooked yet crucial when it comes to being able to build healthy societies. And, you know, this isn't just stuff that we're speaking about as well. We have recently authored a medical protocol that we are now putting into the first studies as we are speaking. And this is to help design a whole new type of therapy that the medical industry can start to promote. The last time that there really was any kind of medical protocol

to help with intimacy in the bedroom for couples was Sensate Therapy. And that was in the 60s or 70s. So we're literally talking, you know, over half a century ago. So the ability to have this change is massively needed and it's been a long time coming. We're also working with the Department of Justice in South Africa, where there is severe amounts of gender-based violence and being able to provide children as well. as adults, basic types of sex education, as well as body sovereignty, is absolutely crucial for changing these type of issues that simply aren't going to be found just by having law enforcement. It's through educating and empowering people, again, from the inside out.

And to be able to find organizations that are wanting to do this is absolutely important. It's also considered by, I think, seven different major organizations such as the UN, UNESCO, who all of these bigger bodies, where comprehensive sex education is actually a human birthright, and it's not available hardly anywhere. So it's really, really important. People seem to know it's important, but we still have this attitude that, well, everybody kind of knows how to do that. Don't worry about it. And yet relationships are failing.

People are not having fulfillment. connection and they're actually sometimes even abusing or hurting one another and sometimes in an unconscious way. So we want a pattern to interrupt that and we want to really support people and let them know it's not that hard. These are very easy things that they can learn and implement in their lives. It is really, really important work that you're doing and like you say, abusive relationships and toxic. It's not a nice place to be. I've been there in my past. as well. And sometimes the journey of going inwards, it does take a bit of courage and you do have to face some really dark parts of yourself. But it does get easier as time passes as well,

doesn't it? Yes, absolutely. There's so much beauty to be found and it's such an honor to get to work with people as well as those who are in places, such as in the government, who are willing to face this and to witness their courage, it's so inspiring. And then the amount of change that happens and the ripple effects that it has is so fast and so quick that it can really be daunting in such a beautiful and inspiring way. So I really do want to encourage those out there that often the thing that is the most scary is the thought of making the change.

But once you start to act, it's the most natural thing that you could ever do. So I know that people can connect with you and you have something that you want to share. Who should connect with you and just share a little bit about that for me? Yeah, so embodied love. dot love is one of our many websites.

We have a lot of different offerings for people. people. But this one we thought we would speak to here because it really is to support couples. And there you're going to find information on what is embodied love. What does that look like? And how do I get to do it quickly? So there's an offer there called the nine naughty nights. And it's just playful dates that we put together for couples. We've given this to couples of all ages, all lifestyles, even couples who are trying to have another child and while they're busy with the one child or all these different combinations. And it's been extraordinary. feedback. People are just having way better connection, way more intimacy and way more fun. And people love to have a great date night and, well, in nine dates, you're not going to have a very, very different relationship. So it's quite amazing. I would encourage everyone to go to embodied love.love. Love. That's embodied love. dot love. Dr. Saida, Aaron, thank you so much for being my guest today. I've really enjoyed having a conversation with you and I really do think the work that you are doing is so, so important for the world.

Well, thank you, Matt, for Mark, for bringing us on and giving us this opportunity. Yes, absolutely. Thank you. And thank you to all the viewers and listeners. And hopefully we've said something here that will inspire you to take some action and create more beauty and playfulness in your lives. I'm sure there will be because it's been a great conversation. Thank you, everyone for joining us.

Thanks for listening to Business Innovators Radio. To hear all episodes featuring leading industry influencers and trendsetters, visit us online at businessinnovators.com today.