Business Innovators Radio - Eve Stanway – Psychotherapist – Mark Stephen Pooler

Episode Date: December 6, 2024

Eve Stanway is a Psychotherapist and Break-up Divorce Coach helping parents and those who need to leave toxic relationships feel empowered throughout any marital breakdown. Eve’s expertise as a specialist in both parenting and co-parenting, as well as narcissistic abuse, empowers her clients to heal from family trauma and enhance communication. Central to her approach is enabling individuals to address difficult conversations that often remain unspoken, leading to bigger issues later. Eve is dedicated to preventing unnecessary conflict in families, particularly when it could affect the children.Website: www.evestanway.co.ukLink tree: https://linktr.ee/evestanwaySource: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/eve-stanway-psychotherapist-mark-stephen-pooler

Welcome to Business Innovators Radio, featuring industry influencers and trendsetters, sharing proven strategies to help you build a better life right now. Welcome to Brilliant Business TV, conversations with leading experts in business. I am your host, Mark Stephen Pula. We have a wonderful guest today, Eve Stanway, who is a breakup and divorce coach. I'm sure many people can resonate with that. And we are streaming globe on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube. We're also on the 360 TV network going out to Apple, Fire, Android, Roku, and many more. We're also on USA Global Radio and Television Network, Business Innovators Radio Network, and MSPNews Global.com. Let's bring in our incredible guest, Eve Stanway. Eve, welcome to Brilliant Business TV. Hello Mark, it's wonderful to be here today.

It's great to be having a conversation with you, Eve. I'm really looking forward to a really, really interesting conversation. Can you share what inspired you to participate in the voices of women anthology and how it reflects your journey as a divorce and breakup coach with our incredible friend Brenda Dempsey who I do lots of work with us. as well. So I approached Brenda actually in relation to the publication of my own book about difficult conversations and working with Brenda. She's ever so inspirational and she really brought out when we were discussing kind of my mission and my values and what I wanted to achieve with the

book, she started to bring out in me these ideas of leadership that I hadn't really recognized in myself. And that's that is one of Brenda's real talents. is being able to recognize aspects of yourself that you hadn't necessarily thought of or considered. And then when she spoke about voices of women and asked me to participate, it kind of really forced me to look back on myself and think about myself. You know, you get these requests that make you very reflective. And then I thought, well, I am leading. And actually, the work that I do in relation to psychotherapy, but also in the divorce coaching,

is about, I have a sailing background, Mark, and I often think about things in nautical terms. And it made me realize that I'm, to some extent, for some people, I can be like a lighthouse or a pilot ship that guides people past the rocks. And in that, there is a real leadership. There has to be an ownership. There has to be a willingness to share,

a willingness to participate in the other person, journey to safety. And in that, I really realized that there is some, the leadership naturally in what I do. And then I went back and actually looked at my career and saw leadership within it. And then, well, then it was just incredible to be part of voices of women. And, you know, I had my first experience the other day

of a young woman that I'm working with who said, I don't know any, are there any books on female leadership? And I went, well, actually, as it happens. and recommended her to have a reader of voices of women. And I couldn't circle it better as to where the benefits to my own work could be of being involved in a book like that. It's a great, great book, and I know we're doing a big collaboration together and campaign that's coming up over the next couple of weeks as well,

which will be really exciting for us all working together on that collaboration. so I'm really excited about that. Your up-and-coming book tackles a delicate heart of difficult conversations. Could you give us a glimpse of the main insights and practical advice readers can expect? Yes. So what I noticed in the 25 years of therapeutic and coaching work that I've done is so many of the issues that people were facing and dealing with, they did relate back to their childhood, but they also related to struggles and difficulties expressing

themselves. And when we've, you know, you'll know this yourself. When we've got something really important to say, we can worry about what the impacts will be. We can worry about how it will land. We can worry that it might get confrontational. Or we might have to say something that's uncomfortable for the other person to hear or they might say something that's uncomfortable for us to hear. And so the idea of a book about difficult conversations and not just the importance of them and the value of them, but actually from a technical point of view, as a professional who literally spends my life having difficult conversations with people about all sorts of subjects are how you do it, like a wiki how of how you have difficult conversations. and I started writing it down, I started reflecting, and I'm actually at the moment just finalising the first draft, which is going to go to Brenda next week.

So it's really live at the moment. But I think it's also what I've noticed is, because some of my clients know that I'm writing and my family do, and it's raising the subject of difficult conversations. You know, I spoke to somebody the other day about writing my own will, for example. It's a difficult conversation to raise with your children. So I use it. I try and use it in practice as well as make it practical for other people. Communication skills are so, so important. And not only having the conversation as well,

it's knowing when to pause and listen as well, isn't it, Eve? Yeah, yeah. Your focus on supporting men to become the fathers, let me say this once more. Your focus on supporting men to become the fathers their children need during separation and divorce, why is this focus important and how does it impact the healing process? So what I noticed, I think people are often very surprised at how many men do actually come to therapy and coaching. There's this perception that men don't talk about their feelings. but of course you'll know as a man you have feelings and you talk about them you want to talk about them and I was raised under difficult circumstances my dad was not always an easy man to live with

and be around and he was my primary caregiver when I was younger and I think I learned from him how difficult it was when a man is feeling vulnerable and out of control and therefore tries to be controlling to deal with things and the importance of showing men in particular a different way of dealing with their emotions. And, you know, sadly, male suicide is really significant. There are a lot of men who struggle with isolation and loneliness and vulnerability. And the statistics following divorce and breakup are really challenging for men, actually. And so for all of these reasons kind of from my upbringing, but also from what I see. And then the real value that I know that men bring to life, like as fathers, as role models, as mentors, as teachers. So I thought,

well, maybe not everybody wants to do that or maybe not everybody can see the value of doing that. But because I want to do it and because I do see the value of doing that, I chose to make it a big part of my practice. And I think that's something that's really important. If we see a need and we feel we can meet that need to do our best, and that's really what I'm trying to do, be in that space. And you know, Mark 75% of my clients are men. And I have seen that if you can help men have better relationships following divorce and breakup with their own family, their own children, their own spouses, their own exes, you start to shift things for the future in a really important way. And so that's what I do.

It's really important that men have got somewhere to express their feelings and emotions and feeling comfortable to do that. So I really admire the work that you're doing, Giv. Instead of just diagnosing issues, you emphasise the mechanic's mechanic. I'm going to struggle with this. Instead of just diagnosing issues, you emphasize the mechanicalisms. Mechanisms of communication. Could you elaborate on the approach and how it differs from traditional methods? And thank you for helping me with my working there. That's all right. That's all right. Do you know, I've always tried not to use complex language, but then it slips out sometimes when you're trying to be concise. So I'll give you an example. I'm just going to use an example I use an every day all the time in my clinic.

So I will often see couples, whether I'm working with the couple or whether I'm working with an individual where one person thinks one thing. The other person thinks the other thing. And what you find is that one side of the relationship ends up giving ground over and over again. Now, I think all of us can handle disappointment. We can all handle not getting our own way. But what we can't handle, sorry, my cat is deciding to join the process. What we can't handle is not having our voices heard. So one technique that I will use is say I've got one person I don't know who likes black and the other one who likes white. I encourage my couples or individuals to think, even if I don't agree with your position, let's talk to the other person or let's think about why the other person has that position, why they hold that opinion. And that comes directly from conflict resolution in some of the most conflicted places in the world where they've found that people don't have to agree.

But if people understand the reasons why another person holds a certain opinion, if they're willing to understand what we call their maps of the world, to develop a theory of understanding about why that person thinks that way, then even if we don't agree, we can still feel kind of safe and secure with each other. And so that's something that I will do with couples a lot of the time, where I'm saying you may not agree with his or her position, but can we understand why they're holding that position?

Because often if we understand why somebody holds a certain position, we start to have sympathy and empathy for it. And then who knows next time we might switch. the pendulum the other way and choose to do what they want instead. Does that make sense? So that's a really concrete way of doing it that I use daily. I think you don't have to agree with someone, but when you actually hear their understanding of something, it gives you more compassion to that person and their thoughts, opinions and views and feelings as well. So I think that's really, really powerful, Eve. You aim to heal relationships, even when family split. Can you

share a success story that highlights the impact of your work in this area? Yes. So there was a couple I've worked, there were many couples, but this particular couple comes to mind and they had gone through, they'd gone through a real shock in their relationship and there wasn't really any chance that their relationship was going to remain in place. It was just, it was, it was, even the optimist in me couldn't see any way this was going to be resolved with them staying together. However, what I could see was there was a child who was going to need his dad and actually there was a mum. And if the dad just left and moved into a flat and lived down the road and didn't see his son,

then what would happen is that the mother had less financial power than the man. So he had more money. She had less money. But what would happen is that she would end up doing the majority of the childcare and he would end up isolated and alone and kind of away from his family. So bearing in mind there was no chance that their marriage was going to heal that I could see. What I said to them, and I'm always willing to be very direct with people, which is something my clients really value because I don't put your foot around. What I said is if we heal the relationship between you and your son and we heal the relationship between

you and your wife, even though you're going to get a divorce, sufficiently that you can parent in alignment with each other, then the outcomes are going to be better for all of you. The wife, although will be able to have time away from the son so that she can build her own career and her own future and meet other people and do things and live her own life, the son will have the benefit of a relationship with both parents, and the father has the benefit that he can learn how to be the dad his son needs and have time with his own son. and then also not make the same mistakes in the future that he did in that relationship. So the way that I saw it, and I was very open with them, we won't be able to save the marriage.

But what we can do is we can make all the relationships better. And that's the big win. That is a big win. Very big. And it worked. It's successful, which is amazing. Especially for the children, it's really important because it's the child. that's going to suffer otherwise.

And that way that child is going to grow up still feeling content, happy and loved, which is really, really important. I really do think that that is important because in the end, our children are kind of half of each of us. And when we are being antagonistic to our ex, there is a part of our child who's receiving that antagonism too. And children didn't ask for this. They just didn't.

They're not the cause of the problem. And then they will often be. blame themselves. But if you can get parents to take responsibility, be regulated, improve their relationships, then what you have is children who don't grow up blaming themselves or what happened. And honestly, that's what I want. And it can affect the child later in life as well. So I think it's really, really important the work that you're doing, Eve. Eve, I've thoroughly enjoyed having a conversation with you today. Now, people can connect with you at eave stamway.co.uk. That's eave stamway.com.uk. Eve, who should connect with you? Who do you want to

connect with? So I am, I see myself either as a signpost or a guide. People who are, I'll give you a brief rundown, people who are thinking of getting married, perhaps they've been living together for a long time and they want to ensure that they get married with good communication and their marriage doesn't end up on the rocks. People who are worried about where their marriage is going, because as a divorce and breakup coach, you'd be amazed at how many marriages I save because I know what it's like at the end and I can often turn people back. And I really try and do that if I can. So, and I encourage men to reach out. I've got some free resources on my website. about how to have a difficult conversation, how to talk to your children about breakup. I've

a lot of case studies and articles and resources really because I tell you what, Mark, for the 42% of people getting divorced, there's very little known about the realities of it and whatever we're doing in life, we need as much information as possible. So I really encourage people go browse the website, follow me on social media, reach out and ask me questions, I will always do my best to answer and book a call if you want to chat with me, you know. I would encourage everyone out there needing Eve support to go to eve stamway.com. That's eve stamway.com.uk. Eve, I've thoroughly enjoyed having you a guest on brilliance business today.

Thank you for a really, really interesting conversation. Perfect. Thank you so much, Margaret. It's been a real joy to be able to talk with you today. Thank you very much. The pleasure's being all mine. Thank you, everyone, for joining us for Brilliant's Business TV, conversations with leading. Thanks for listening to Business Innovators Radio.

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