Bussin' With The Boys - Bert Kreischer (part 1)

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

Recorded: April 22, 2022 | The moment we have all been waiting for. Bert Kreischer finally blesses the bus with his presence for a podcast so good we had to split it up into two parts. It's just as epic as you think it is going to be (Mt. Busmore). Intro (0:00) Bert Kreischer interview starts (21:27) Doing his own stunts and blowing out his tricep (25:50) Superstitions (29:30) Berts first time having sex scarred him for life (41:02) Swimming with sharks (54:40) Playing catch up in the stand up comedy industry (1:08:50) Meeting Aaron Rodgers (1:22:45) Gift giving with Tom Segura and Joe Rogan (1:38:00) End pod (1:58:47) ----- SHOP: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/bussin-with-the-boys FOLLOW THE BOYS Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bussinwtb Twitter: https://twitter.com/BussinWTB Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BussinWTB Website: https://www.bussinwtb.com ----- SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: Chevy: Chevy Silverado - The Strongest, Most Advanced Silverado Ever. Georgia Boot: Go to https://barstool.link/GeorgiaBoot and use code BUSSIN for 20% off WhistlePig Whiskey: Get your bottle at https://barstool.link/WhistlePigBSS or at a local retailer. Duke Cannon: Use code “Bussin” at https://barstool.link/DukeCannonBSS for 15% off your first order. Roman: Go to https://barstool.link/BussinRoman to get $15 off your first order of ED treatment if approvedFor more, visit barstool.link/bussinwtbSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Shane Gillis's podcast was absolutely outstanding. You guys came in. You've absolutely dominated for us. You've been liking, subscribing, unsubscribing, and resubscribing. But there is one thing we've heard. It hurt a little bit, but sometimes you have to sit and look at yourself in the mirror and say, what can I do better? And that thing is, shut it down a little faster on the intro.

So we're going to do the best we can. 40 minutes last time was a little much. People were complaining because the Shane Gil crew wanted to jump in. And now at this moment, we will get into a couple of housekeeping things. We will get into a couple of shoutout, no free shoutouts of the week. Will can't make it today because the boy's under the weather. He's got one of those little things under his tongue right now. He's got a little thing on a little cold press on his head.

He's in bed. He's holding himself. He's probably going out both sides. I don't know what he's really got. But I do know the boy was smart enough and sick enough not to be with the boys today. So shout out Will for not coming in here and getting the whole squad sick because he had a little bit of fomo. Now, I'm trying to keep it tight, boys. We got a lot of things to touch on.

But the first thing we should touch on is our favorite segment of the week. The shout out. No free shout out. the week. Let's do it, boys. Let's do it. Now we are missing Bloss. He had surgery last week. He's out. I'm sure it's something about 49ers, so I'll just do it for him. Shout out George Kittle. Shout out 49ers. Shout out of 49ers. You're the greatest NFL player of all time. We love you guys so much. Yay, Barry. Fuck yeah, dude. All right. Let's move on. We are now on. JP, who's sitting in Blas to see Blas. I know you're listening because you love it.

You should be a little upset with JP. But it's not about that right now. It's about shout out. Enough for shout out of the week. JP, what you got? You don't need to start beef, man. No beef. No beef. I can't wait to hear it, though. Hey, my shout-out, no-free shout-out of the week. A little bit more, a little bit like another throwback how I did previously.

But I was walking around a mall this past weekend. The best part about the mall, the free samples from the Chinese restaurants. Damn, for real. Shout out, no-free shout-out to the employee that stands out there and hands out those toothpicks. And also shout out to that free sample chicken. It tastes better than the normal chicken. Dude, it really does it. They must have put some crack cocaine or something in there.

They got to put something a little illegal in there. And you taste you, I got to get this. And then you get the whole, you get the meat and three of whatever the Chinese version of that is. You get that. You eat and you're like, this isn't the same. Exactly. What an outstanding shoutout, no free shout out of the week. Crazy.

I love it. Jack McPherson, who's now sitting in JPC. JP is now sitting in Blasasasie over to Jackie. What do you got, baby? You've been hit with hitters all day. I think you're going to really like this one. Oh, fuck. I'm taking it to a new level.

I'm not having a new dimension. But let me set the scene. Let's say you're driving in your car. Hold on. Let me close my eyes. All right. So you're driving in the car, usually going somewhere close enough, maybe three, four hours, max. And you're hitting a state line.

And all of a sudden, right around the state lines, you always see one of those big-ass stores. It says, world's biggest fireworks stand. And they're open year-round. So this weekend, I traveled to Knoxville. Shout out, no free shout out to my boy, Josh Dobbs, went from his golf tournament. But on the way to Knoxville, I passed. 20, the biggest fireworks stand. So I go in there, and of course I'm the only person in there,

probably the only person that's been in that store since July. How do they pay their taxes? Who knows? But these guys wanted to sell me everything in the store. I didn't have the heart to tell them what I was buying them for, so I literally lied and said that I was getting them for my nephew, which I do not even have a nephew. So anyways, you can open your eyes now.

Okay. So shout out, no free shout out to the fireworks stand. But I also, I brought some black cats to the boys. Bering gifts. The man comes bearing gifts. I feel bad. I feel bad for Will and Blas. Toss the things up here.

Toss these things up here. And then obviously had to get some of the M80s. And the man made me, made it very clear that they were waterproof. He would not have no one known. Bunker Busters, 100 count. We'll go out in the parking lot, maybe in the alley, and hit a black cat for the old times. Put in an apple or something like that.

Shout out, no free shout out to all of the grinders out there in those fireworks stands that only operate in heavy traffic between July 1st and July 7th. No shit, did they pay all their bills in those four to three days? I don't know, but I mean, I was probably the only customer that's been in there in months. So shout out those guys. Outstanding. I love that shout out.

And you know what, dude, growing up in Arizona, highly illegal. You know why? You blow on something to it. hard. You snap your fingers a little too hard. There's a whole fire going on. It's a desert baby. This, you give this to an eighth grader in Arizona. You better watch your fucking hat, dude. This is the shit right here.

Hey, that's great. He only, he did a shout-out, no free shout-out of the week, but he also bring gifts. I give the edge of Jack and this one over JP right now. I'm not saying it's a competition. I'm not saying it's competition at all. They're both outstanding. But I will say it's pretty great. I know, I know Garrett probably doesn't have gifts, so he knows he's on to these.

He brought in a sample? Simple on a stick. Bro. Yeah, I don't know how that would have gone over. I'll tell you what, dude. I'll collab on that, Jack. I'll collab on that, man. Let's go.

Starts with taking a chance. Next up and last up, because we're missing Bloss. Bloss is out. So J.P. is sitting in Bloss's seat. Jack is sitting in J.P.C. And Gary, kind of sitting wherever the fuck he wants. He's like a nomad in this place. Garrett, what do you got for us, babies?

My shout out. No free shout out of the week. The boys are dropping merch this week. Oh. We have three. cheese and three new hats. So I come with gifts for everyone. I love that.

I fucking love that. And when we put that thing down in the merch store and people see those things, they're incredible. I've gotten a little sneak peek and I love them. Now let me ask you this. You sent me some hats that go off of. And you said pick three. I never picked three. Not those?

Not those. Whatever we, I know we're. Those are in store. Those are coming for like, I think the fall. When these things drop. Those hats I'm talking about right there. These ones are going to be bangers, too. Don't get me wrong.

When those other hats drop, you might have to cancel the competition on hats of all time. Dude, cancel it. Hanukkah, Christmas, all of them winter holidays, dude. Shut them all down. Yeah. Because that shit goes fucking hard. I'll be quick because we're already running in.

We told ourselves 15 minutes and we're a little at the halfway point right there. We just hit the halfway point right there. My shout out, no, if we shout out of the week. I think I fucked that up. It's okay. Goes to, and this is kind of a, this is kind of a, This is kind of a, you know, this is kind of a, here we go.

Because I'm employed. But my shoutout, no free shout out of the week, goes to hang them down low, steel trap, big balls, John Robinson for handling the draft the way he did. Thursday, hey, what's that old thing? They had us in the first half, I'll be honest. That shit happened. Thursday night happened.

We trade up. I'm sitting there. And for two and a half seconds, go, yo, Taylor, what's happening? AJ Brown's gone. My agent texts me says, AJ Brown is gone. And I'm like, what did we get

the entire Eagles franchise? Like, what are we about to grab here? They say the 18th overall pick or 16th overall pick one of the two and the 100 and first pick. Now, first things first, your first thought is, I don't know.

Because A.J. Brown, he's played in the league for a few years. He's an absolute stud. He's young. He's going into his prime years, all those things. and he takes this kid, Traylin Burke, who is about to be my new teammate, he's a little chubby in the face

so it makes you nervous at first. I just have a way problem? But then you just realize he's just a country boy. This kid fucking stabs, bores. And then it goes on in the draft. And at first, I sent a little tweet. I say, hey, Titans, how do we feel? I had over 2,000 replies.

And about 1,995 of those things were negative. Five of those guys were like, and Jay Robb, we trust. Those people got murdered. then Saturdays when the drafts Thursday Friday Saturdays when the draft ends I'm in New Orleans I got a cool new tattoo I walked into a shop and just randomly got that I'm in New Orleans

I say people how are we feeling how do we feel about this new little deal and it almost seemed like a reverse reaction people are very excited now I know the Malik Willis thing Malik Willis that's how you say his name Malik Willis everyone was real excited because everyone for some reason hates Tannahill it's not like he just brought this franchise back to life

it's whatever but the Malik Willis is a big one. I think that kid from Ohio State looks like a stud. You know, he does have that one play against him. And second overall pick, Aidan Hutchison, Aidan put him in the absolute beak on him, which I've been binked, so it's okay for me to say. We get an absolute stud in Hassan Haskins.

He's not going to be Derek Henry. Don't try to make him Derek Henry, but the kid runs fucking hard. He gets after it. He gets a corner in the second round. Now, hey, when we grabbed a corner in the second round, that's when everyone was like, fire his ass right now.

Fucking fire John Robinson. And listen, well, we won't know if trading AJ or what happened between AJ and the team will never know. I might know. Some people, Ben Jones might know, but you guys will never know, right? And we won't know if it was the right move or not. I would say for three years, 72 months. That's all we got. But I will say for John to do what he did, stay the course.

He handled adversity from the fans. He probably didn't look at it. But he knew he made a very aggressive move. And then kept going the draft and to have the pendulum swing the way it did from Friday to Saturday, another 72 hour mark. And that man changed the hearts and souls of its entire franchise. I'd say that man deserves a shout out. I know if he's shout out of the week. Am I right?

Am I right? So shout out John Robinson. My boss. Thank you for not cutting me. That's always outstanding. It's always a win when you get to stay on the team for another year. I love that. A lot of people did say, I wish that was you, Taylor, instead of paycheck.

People said I wish I was used to AJ. Here's a little spoiler, guys. It's a completely different game, right? Completely different game. My cap it. AJ, what he wanted is just a totally different game. We're not playing the same show as for it's tough to do. I'm going to give us a two extra minutes.

We're going to go 17 minutes. I want to know, JP, you don't care. So I don't care if you speak in this or not. But I want to hear from a couple of homegrown cats how they feel the Tennessee Titans draft went. So Jack, I'll let you have the mic first. give me your full bit, baby. You can take as long as you want.

And we'll get to Burke Kreisher in a second. Two episodes, it's unbelievable, but Jack, you're up. Yeah, I mean, obviously, AJ being the, probably the biggest news in the entire draft over every team. It was the most shocking. Twitter was an absolute shitstorm for a couple hours. We were all battling for our lives. I obviously love AJ to death.

I've got the AJ jersey. Still wondering when I'm going to get my refund for that. So, AJ, if you're listening, maybe shoot me a 80, 100 piece, because, you know, I invested in that jersey. but anyways I'm also really excited for Traylenburgs I think he's going to be a stud he's a grinder

he's a kid that you're not going to have to worry too much outside of the locker room I feel like so I feel he's me dialed in obviously there's Why do you feel that way? What makes you feel that way? Mainly the country aspect He comes from like a smaller town

It just seems like he's a kid who's just like all about ball like there's not going to be too many distractions on the outside again I don't know the guy at all I've seen him play a few times mainly when Tennessee was playing Arkansas stuff like that

but I went watch a couple of his highlights and the kid's explosive, the kid's gritty, he looks like he's going to be potentially a good one. I like him and Robert Woods being our two guys. We've got a lot of new faces coming in. So in a way it kind of feels like our offense is going to just have this new allure to it and there's a lot of question

marks, but I've got promise and again, I'm also a diehard so my hope is through the roof all the time for the Titans. You know, one thing that will make you actually believe that all the things you said are true

is just looking at the way Trayland Burke was dressed when he came to Tennessee. Absolutely. He's wearing shit kicker boots, washed blue jeans, and a shirt he didn't care if it fit or not when he tucked it in. Yeah, I mean, even like going back to you, when you first got drafted and came here, how you said you just like fell in love with Nashville. You can imagine a guy who kind of feels like rooted in this culture and community already. He's got to be over the moon that he's in a town where he's probably going to feel more comfortable than maybe say like in L.A. or New York.

So starting off him just getting here and feeling like he's part of the community already, I think that's going to be a big thing. I like a lot of our other picks. The Malik Willis one, obviously people are like thinking that, you know, if Tenney doesn't perform this year, it's going to be the Malik show. I don't think that's the case. You know, he's coming from Liberty. I know there's going to be a lot of guys in the coaching room.

They're going to develop him. So excited to see if he's got any upside. Other than that, I mean, obviously the main thing was the AJ trade. I'm devastated that he's leaving because he was the first big franchise receiver we've had in over two decades and the whole town loved him I mean he was full of charisma and

just a strong go-getter but I hope the best for him with the Eagles the one thing I am concerned about no matter how well Trillenberg's performs if AJ goes to the Eagles and has like the best season of his career people are just going to think that we fucked up but I don't know

that's my take on it. I hope the best for AJ. I like a lot of our new guys. I think there's going to be some grinders out there. Excited to see what comes in the fall. Before you pass that money after, Garrett, would you have given AJ Brown $25 million a year? No. It's just so much money. Why not? I just don't see it being like anything. Like with our team, you said it so much that like the locker room aspect is like something that most people don't see in the NFL. They'll talk about it almost being like a high school atmosphere where it's like everyone's just like ride or die for each other. And I feel like in a lot of these locker rooms, people getting paid, people trying to figure out where

their next paycheck's coming from, how much more they can get. It feels different in Tennessee. Obviously, me being a fan, never playing it down for the Titans or in any competitive football. It still seems that it was just too much. If he had maybe missed some of the injuries in the last year and a half and really was like the top one or two dogs, receiver-wise, the NFL. It would have made more sense, but I'm happy it worked out for him and he got the bag with the Eagles.

One of my roommates and best friends is a huge Eagles fan, so I'm happy for him, happy for the city of Philadelphia. I don't feel like there was more pros than there were cons, giving him that much money in four years. But again, we could always be wrong.

We could always be right. So we'll just see. Yeah, at one point in this, in this year, it will absolutely be the Titans are absolute idiots because something will happen. And then at another point in the same year, there's going to be the other thing to say Titans are the smartest people in the entire world.

There's always going to be that contrast. That's the world we live in. That's the game we've got to play. Garrett, what are your thoughts on the 2022 NFL draft? And before you say anything, a lot of people are here to see Burt Kreischer. A lot of people are here to jump on, see the boy. And they're probably wondering, why the fuck are these guys talking about Tennessee Titan football? That guy, Burke Kreischer's unbelievable.

It's a four-hour podcast. We're splitting up into two on Tuesday and on Thursday. And from now, for the next eight weeks, we're going to have two episodes a week for the next eight weeks. It's going to be unbelievable, a little bit redundant. But it is the case. Burt was unbelievable. However, we are based here in Nashville.

I, if you don't know me, my name is Tara Luan. I play left tackle for the Tennessee Titans. Will Compton played for the Tennessee Titans. We are based in Nashville. The boys played here. So if you're kind of wondering, what the fuck is going on? Why can we listen to Burke Kreischer?

We're just kind of breaking down the biggest news to us in this world right now. And if you want, you can probably fast forward, I'd say three minutes and jump right on the bird if you want. But I think you like to stick around for this because Garrett, looks like he's got a noggin full of knowledge. He's about to drop on us right now. Garrett? So I was at birthday dinner for my girlfriend when the AJ news dropped. The one you apologize to at the last show. I apologize to. I probably owe another apology because my attention was blown as soon as my phone started going off about AJ. Yep. She looks at me. She's like, what?

like, well, AJ Brown just got traded, so everything's fucked. Yeah. It's like, okay, great, here goes this dinner. We just sat down. Yeah, the dinner's over. Great dinner. It did suck seeing that AJ left. I think for the first time I saw how the business works because we had a pick at 26 and

we had a pick at 90. And the amount of picks we picked up throughout the entire draft by moving around trading AJ, obviously. we left with way more players to add to the roster. And after last year, you can see it's a next man up mentality here. And having more people, I think, was very crucial. And I think all the guys we got are very skilled at their position. Like Jack said, Trayland Burke's a grinder.

He torched Bama. Oh, Torch Bama. I did see those highlights. He did got to go off on Bama, didn't he? Forch Bama. And then the next guy we picked, the corner from Auburn, Torch Bama. a two. So I'm very familiar.

Glad to have them on our team. No doubt. I think the drafting Malik Willis, it was a it's obviously going to cause controversy on Twitter, but I'm a fan of having a little bit of a battle in the QB thing.

All it's going to do is make Tanna Hill play better. Yeah, we got a guy from Ohio State. Looks pretty solid. And my favorite picks, probably Hassan Haskins. Jack and I were gotta love Hassan Haskins. Jack and I were at the Michigan, Ohio State game, the big house, and that boy went off in the snow. Little racist, you said, boy.

Well, because you're white, right? No, we can cut that. We can cut that. Hey, go back to the Shane episode. You'll hear, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no doubt. I'm only kidding. No, dude, the guy's a stud. We picked him up.

I was super excited about that. Yeah, I was super stoked on that. And then the guy, the tight end we got from Maryland, people are saying he's kind of like a John Huss Smith type guy. Love that. I mean, it kind of was. a point that we missed that last year, I think, from the tight-in position. I just like the speed and skill out of him.

So I'm looking forward to seeing where he fits in. I love that. I can say one thing. Okay, yeah, you can say, we're at 19 minutes, 30 seconds. I need everybody in 30 years to come back to this clip. Trailing Burke, Hall of Famer. Oh, my God. Oh, a couple of golf claps came with that thing.

A couple of golf claps. Burt Kreiser podcast is coming up Part 1 of 2 next 8 weeks We're putting two podcasts out a week They'll be separate from this week Obviously this is a 4-hour one Talking with my Donald Trump hands right now But there'll be one on Tuesday

One on Thursday, completely separate pods Except for this week. Please enjoy the show. I'm going to hit one ad read And then bang, bang, boom the guys are in it And if you guys stuck with this for the 20 minutes God bless each and every one of you Please subscribe, unsubscribe, resubscribe,

70% of our audience does not subscribe to this podcast So if you can just hit that button for us, I don't give a shit if you ever look at us again. But he hit that button helps the boys to the top. And like I said, we're going to do one quick little ad of reed, and here we are. And it's one of the most delicious things you guys have ever tasted in your entire life. Entire life. Let's try to get the words right, LeWan.

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retailer, retailer, retailer, retailer. And now, finally, for God's sake, Burke Chrysler. And now, finally, for God's sakes, Burke Kreischer. Please enjoy. Catch him what's what? He blew out. He blew out his knee? You got a room back there? Yeah.

Sugar blew out his knee trying to dunk. You never saw the video? No. Oh, is that when his arm like flailed? And his arm broke in half and he broke his femurus. Thank you. Yeah, I have seen that video. I watched it and I remember you guys doing a pod and you guys saying that was him.

But for some reason in my mind was like, I don't believe it. Oh, dude. It was, I was there. and uh you're at the basketball for I ended up resetting his arm which maybe wouldn't isn't what you're supposed to do but like his arm broken and spun it around backwards

and so I was like I just spun it in regular like like if you see it you just it's just it's instinctual is it broke in half and it went back it was going like this yeah he broke his humorous in half

oh which is a tough one right yeah and the femur of the arm and so I just went like here let me get that for you buddy and I'm just put it like this. And then a lot of people focus on that as being the reason that he has nerve damage. As opposed to the actual fucking arm break.

They're like, I was like, they were gonna fix it at any point. And they're like, yeah, but they're doctors. I go, yeah, before they got him in the thing, no one had any equipment there. So what was his reaction after the cameras went off? He's just... Dude, it's my favorite part of Tom. It's like, because I don't understand why other people like him.

I know why I like him. Yeah. It's like, you ever take your wife out to a party? And they're like, I love your wife. and you're like, you don't even know her. Right, yeah, no. And then we're going, right? Yeah, we're going.

It's the thing I love about Sugura is his, when he's definitely not trying to be funny. And almost when he's sad, it's my favorite part of him. Like when I see someone do something to him that I know bothers him, and then he does this thing where we'll go, like we had a friend come in and into his new offices in Austin and just go, hey, can I get a water to Tom? and was one of my favorite reactions ever, my favorite reaction ever. So Tom breaks his arm and his knee. I go over to his house that night. These are my two favorite.

We go over to his house that night. We get a lifting belt. You know, if they have old people, they put it around so you can carry him around. I get a lifting belt, like a fat person's belt. And I put it around him. I get him down to his screening room. I get him down.

He's got his arm embraced. He's just been to the hospital. No surgery yet. And my wife looks at him and says, man, you're about to get fat as fuck. And the look on his face. face was it's my

that's what I love about him and people that love him they don't know what they like about him because my I like the real thing like the real we get into the next day I organized a medical transport to pick him up at his house to take him

this is a heat of COVID this why are you organizing this because because his wife's not the person that's going to be doing this got you his wife his wife you know what his wife does a subtle shot but I like it listen we all know where we stand in our relationships yeah Christina when talking

I said, what are you doing right now? She goes, I'm, I'm freaking out. I just made some muffins and I opened a bottle of wine. I'll be there in five. Leah, Leah goes, get in the car. Christina's not set for this. We're going to go do this. So that night, Leanne's like, you got to arrange.

Christina calls me and goes, I need you to arrange a medical transport. I need a wheelchair. I need a gurney. I need like everything. She goes, throw the fucking kitchen sink at it. So I get a medical transport. I get a wheelchair. I go there, I take Tom to Cedar Sinai,

and as I roll him out, I get him in our fucking drivers, this ponytail, long-haired, smoking a cigarette as I'm rolling Tom in. Yeah. Put him in, we lock him in, we get into the thing. Guy goes, man, you're pretty fucked up back there, huh? Tom's like, yeah. He's in so much pain, and he goes... Is he on drugs at all?

Not at all. And he goes, no, he might be, might be. He goes, what do you guys do for a living? And I go, we're comedians. I'm just, I'm not hurt at all, right? And he goes, oh, I go, Tom, Why don't you tell them a joke? Those are my favorite.

I know that Tom goes, I know what people like about burp. But the thing I show Tom, like, this is what Tom must like about me, I guess. So we get stem cells, right? Right. In your elbow? In my elbow. Tom organizes it, and I'm melting down. I'm melting down.

I don't want to do it. I'm having panic attacks about it. Why did you have to get the, was it Tommy John surgery? No, no. I was doing my movie, and I blew out my, um, tendons of my tricep and ripped my tricep. Oh, you're going hard like that? They said, you want to do your own stunts?

I was like, yeah. And so fucking down a flight of stairs, I fucking do it all, right? Well, I also fucking went a little too hard, blew out. Going down the flight of stairs. Doing well, no, fucking falling in the forest. And so I fuck up my elbow. My tricep retracts like seven centimeters or whatever. They have to pull it back down, attach it.

And I've been having a hard time rehabbing it. And Tom goes, we're going to get stem cells. So we go with stem cells. I'm a pain in the ass. Finally, I decided to do it. We get in his car, and he knows my brain so well. It's my left arm, and we're in his car, and I start having a panic attack. I go, I think I'm losing feeling my left arm.

I don't say it, I'm just doing this. It's silent in Tom's car. I'm doing this, and he goes, he's driving. He goes, you're fine, buddy. You're fine, buddy. You just breathe. Does stem cells work? I think so.

I mean, I don't like, you know, do you know, do you have done? in LA. But I don't think stem cells a placebo thing. The thing, getting up off a couch like this, like this, if I did it before,

I would feel it in my tricep. Sure. I don't feel it. It feels regular now. And like I went in that day, the next, that next week,

a full week later, we were at Penn State and we had access to their facilities and we were benching and I was doing 135, 135.

We were doing it. 335? Yeah, I was doing 335. Right before I went to Serbia, I was in the best shape I was in. I did, I was doing 2.35 as my bench.

And I was like, I'd never bench 2.35 in my fucking life. You're cranking them out? Cranging them out. Boom. Yeah, that's not placebo. Placebo is like the fucking those little, those little wristwear with the copper. Where you're in the mall and they're like, hey, let me push it around. You kind of get tossed around. They're like, hey, put this on.

And then you put it on. Yeah, yeah. Baseball players, they always wear them necklaces and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. And they wear. Do you remember like in the, I guess the 2000s? Yeah, they would have like 17 bracelets and shit on and necklaces. But baseball players, baseball players are the most superstitious out of all of those athletes.

Without a doubt, I agree with that. I remember them teaching a superstition playing baseball. They would be like, they would be like, that's so true, though. Yeah. That's 100% true. The first thing you do when you get in the batters box, can we go, hitting coach, clean out that batter box. No one's footsteps are in there. Yeah.

And I remember thinking, how does that help? Yeah. But then, of course, you'll see a lot of dudes do it. You go into the batter's box. You go in and clean everyone's footsteps out. so that you got a brand new batter box for you. No one else. And I mean, I did it.

My whole, I had, I had so many rituals when I played baseball that it made me fucking crazy. And I had to wear a mouth guard. I had prayers I had to say. Wait, wait. You're a mouthguard and baseball? I was like, mouthguard and baseball. No shit. Yeah, because I was like, I was a fucking, and then, and then towards the end, like, there was a solid chunk where I got the yips.

And I could not, I could not throw the ball from third to first. Really? Like, legit, could not. Oh, it's fucking horrible. The hardest part of the superstition is creating your superstition. Because when you get into baseball, you're like, okay, I really like the way Luis Gonzalez kicks his leg out. I'm going to try that. And you do it.

Then you see Chipper Jones, like, throwing the bat up and down. You're like, I'm going to do that. But then you strike out. You're like, I got to go back to Luis. I can't do that. And then you start playing headgives yourself. And now you have like 15 different things you got to do. I didn't realize I was going crazy.

I had OCD. I still have OCD. I have superstitions in real life. Like, like, I went the day I go, I was just telling you, I got a full blood panel. My cardiologist. That morning, I fucking, I did my superstitions. What are there? My superstitions, number one, I had, and I washed my entire body, right?

Head to toe, in between my toes, everything, clean everything. Yeah, hang on, hang on, in between your toes. In between my toes. Like, you just, like, I go, I wash my whole body, shampoo, my face, my beard, leave it in. Yeah. Then soap and wash my whole body, soap all over my whole body. I need soap everywhere. washed my, like an ice skater, wash my feet.

Are you, like, moving the showerhead trying not to get any water on you too? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I started to the side. You say full suds. Full suds, full suds. Get down, squat down to a prayer. Yeah. And my prayer is, uh, it's been rough lately. It's been better inside.

He's that would just squat look like I just sit on the bench in the shower. Yeah, I don't know if I sit on the bench. They're like, kind of like bobbing up and down, letting the knees get to work in. If I'm hungover, I'm moving around in the squat like, motherfucker. Like, motherfucker. And then I throw, this is fucking going to sound insane, I throw circles, three circles around everyone I love. I throw circles around myself. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Just you go by pictures and just do this? No, I go to my pictures, one, two, three. I'll do it for you guys right now. One, two, three, one, two, three. And then I got to do these guys, one, two, three, one, two, three. Like, the people I don't care a lot about. You got to get them all. You've got two.

One, three, one to three, one to three. And they're like, one, two, three, and then I land on me, one, two, three. And then I nail it in the center of my head. I sound like a fucking lunatic. No, you don't. And the people I don't love, I give them quick ones. I'll go like, one or three, one, three, one, three. But then the people I care about, like, one, two, like, I'll make sure.

Really? Yeah. And so then I do my rituals and then if it gets back, because it was bad for this. This is so fucking psycho. It was bad for this because I've been on tour really hard, and I've been pushing it really hard. And I've gained weight. I'm down some weight. But like, and so I'm like, man, I'm going to be fucking, my liver panel is going to be through the fucking roof.

And I'm going to, and then it's going to be complicated. And what if, what if I'm my, what if I'm diabetic? Like, all these things. So I was on the beach. I ran for a five-mile run the day, the day before my, what you can call it? Time out. Yeah. Time out.

Five miles. Full running? Full running. You never stopped. No. I stopped to pick up rocks. because I was looking for rocks that looked red like a clean liver and I was looking for clear rocks

and if I find a penny when I did Hey Big Boy you want to know this is when it My special on Netflix This is all going so fast for me I have I know this is like unravelling a crazy person So when I do If I find a penny I know it's like legit if I see a penny I'm like

It's good luck we're going to have a good day And tour tails it doesn't matter If I see a penny, I'm like, and so I did Hey, Big Boy, my first, I did four shows. The first night, one show killed it. I had mustard on my fucking pants. Who fucking, who, I ate a hot dog in between shows and there was mustard on my fucking pants. And I was like, no one saw that?

And they're like, you're the one that wanted fucking hot dogs. First show, I didn't do that well. And so the second night, I'm like, man, I got to really kill it tonight. I get out of the car to go to the thing. and at the last second I just look back into the car to see I have I left for anything and there's a fucking penny

sitting right down I went I look around I'm like you got you're watching huh grab the penny murder hey big boy murder it two destructive fucking shows in Cleveland

and then you want to talk about luck it airs March 17th stay at home orders kick in March 13th everyone in America is in their house the day hey big boy shows up on Netflix it's like the fucking number three special they've ever had

because no one, everyone was at home. Everyone. Sigurice is the next week. He's number two. Like, it's literally like the biggest. And so I was like, that fucking penny, man. Got it been. Good thing I watched my whole body that day. And pray squatted.

And pray squatted. One, two, three. One, two, three. What's the prayer? How long's that prayer? You don't got to say that. No prayer. No. It's... I do a little prayer while you squat. So what I do, when I squat is, I go, I said, it's yes or no.

And so I'll go, I'll say, hey, hey, God, are we going to have a good day? And he'll go, yeah, I go, is my liver pain going to turn out? He's right? And he goes, you're fine. And I go, for real. And I went, for real? And I go, for real? And he goes, you're fine.

And I went, no. He says that back to you or is you, you're also playing God in your straight. Of course, I'm playing God. I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to cast another guy as God. Jesus Christ. No, it's a guy.

And my wife, it's funny. My wife will see it. She'll come in and, like, and if, like, especially I do it all the time when I fly. I do it every time when I fly. And then if something big's happening, I do it. Those are when my rituals come in. My wife will see it and she knows, she knows me well enough. And you'll just hear her giggling in the side. I'm just sitting in a shower and just doing, getting through my ritual. And then she'll just go, are we all good? I was like, yeah, she goes, you cover all of us? I was like, I got us all. We're all good. Dude, I love that.

Is that when, uh, you guys? Hold on, we got a back pedal. We just had 12 minutes. I got to, I got to ask a couple questions. Yeah. When Segura gets on in this taxi and I guy you tell him to tell him a joke. Yeah. It's a girl tell a joke. You were all the way back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he did not.

Okay. I said, uh, he said, uh, then the best was every time someone came in, they go, how did this happen? And I just go basketball. We were playing basketball. And everyone will go, look at Tom and go, you play basketball? And it was my favorite. And my, and you know, you shouldn't be playing basketball.

And Tom goes, yeah, I know. Right before we played, he said to me, he goes, hey, man, let's take it easy. You know, the number one. way dudes in their 40s get hurt and for the rest of their lives is by playing basketball and I was like, shut up. Right before you guys played. Right before he blows out his Patella ruptures it and breaks his

fucking humorous. The same thing, he's playing slam balls and third graders. Hey, dunking on them hose though, right? Let them know. Letting them know. Fuck. He snapped his fucking Padilla. You said it blew out in the air?

Yeah, blew out in the air. He said if I might throw a bowling ball in the air. I think that's impossible. I'd be so serious. I really think blowing her patella out in the air. It just took a second. Yeah, I'm with that. And then it's just about to pop and then just fucking... It's funny that you really hear the pop.

You really hear the pop. Yeah. Like when I, when I ruptured my arms, I was tackling a dude to take him down the stairs. Yeah. And I grabbed him and I was... What thing was is that I think my scapula was tight and that was fucking up my tricept.

So I went and grabbed him like this. And I was like, I heard pop, pop, pop. And I went, oh, I just blew up my trice. up. Like I was like, oh my God, I just blow my dress up. Oh, I just blow my dress. And they're like, what do you want to do? And I was like, I was like, let's just finish the scene. So it's like the last action part of the movie. Yeah. And so I was like, I looked at the director. I go, hey man, I'm getting surgery when I get back anyway. Like, let's just do it. And he was like, what do you mean? I go, if I heard it a little bit more, like, I still got to get the surgery.

So let's just fucking do it. And he was like, okay. And he's like, just, just fucking go. And and everything you see in the movie, my arm is fucking completely, my triceps completely detached. Really? And I'm just fucking going hard as fuck going, fuck it. I wanted to look real.

And I was a fight scene and I punched the guy for real because I, and he's an MMA fighter. So like, he goes, he goes, you're not going to knock me out and you're not going to hurt me.

So just punch me. And I go, how'd that make you feel? By the way. Yeah, just fucking in me. You're not going to knock me out. You're not going to do an ounce of damage. Yeah.

He literally said. He goes, you can't hurt me. So just hit me. Yeah. And I went, okay. And so I just fucking, it's a very realistic fight scene because I just fucking punching this guy as hard as I can. And he's eating it. And he's, yeah, I fucked his whole, uh, there's all cuts on his thing.

I have my ring on. There was cuts on his thing from his side. Yeah, he came in, he came into my thing. This, I'm, my arms all wrapped in ice. I'm fucking drinking with vodka at the end of the day. It's father's day. It's father's day when this happened. My fucking family's having a big party

I'm like motherfucker I'm in Serbia My arms fucking I know I need surgery when I get home I still have a month of shooting Right and he comes in And he goes, you got me good And I went really and he lifts his shirt up And it is all like all red from my ring Just wham wham wham

Wham! Wham! And I was just punching him as hard as I could in the stomach. By the way, I didn't even knock the wind out of the motherfucker. He's just eating it like that. He's just eating it. Dude, he's a fucking badass. What a unique experience for you to realize there's human beings like that in the world? You know? You got it. That's what not enough people know that.

Like, when you walked in, I'm, I, did you notice that I was looking at your body a lot? Because I was like, I was like, that, they don't make them like that. Like, they're not supposed to be like that. Hey, I'll take that. It's a big change from a week ago. Hey, no, that's crazy how there's, like, human beings you just look at them. You're like, holy shit. But it goes the opposite way, too.

I was at Zanis last night. And this little dude was there wearing a tank top. It said, gay for democracy. And I was like, yeah, that shirt's hilarious. It was out works perfect because I'm gay And he fucking He was like ushering people in and out And I see his little tiny hand

Kind of come out the door and like wave me over I'm looking at this little hand I'm like damn I bet dicks look so big in that little tiny hand You know what I'm saying? Massive They put it massive in those little hands But it kind of goes with everyone Everyone's bodies are totally different

Yeah Wait do you remember the first time you found out boys Not all boys had the same size dicks Remember the I can that came out wrong Do you remember the first time You went into a locker room And everyone was naked

And you were like And you were like Well hang on We don't have the same size dicks And you were like I remember one dude had a hog And I knew him And it was my size and my age

It changed your life Just was like I'm not taking my pants off in here Yeah Shout out to Jeff Hartley He still has a hog God I remember that being like One of the biggest

Insecure things in high school Is when you would When people started hooking up So numbers are really real low. Everyone's in the one, the two's and the threes. And you hear about, you hear about comp? He's got a fucking massive. No, Justine, she told me. She told me he's a big. In high school, too, it's funny because it's so exaggerated.

Like, you either got a monster or you're super little. Or you're loose as hell or like, oh, that thing's tight. She's crazy loose. You're like, talking to boys. Like, oh, she was tight, man. Yeah. And it's like, you don't really know. I was in middle school one time. I was in middle school one time.

And there was these two kids and they're like, they got their pants sagged down. I was just the same exact way. But their pants are sagged down, big, long t-shirts. and this dude's talking about fucking. He's talking about fucking. I'm like, yeah, man, I've had sex. And he's like, really? What's the pussy do when you're having sex?

And I'm like, and things die. He looks like, moves. You never had sex before. Like, walked away. He's so fucking defeated. Looking back at it, like, he probably wasn't, how do you explain that?

Like, what does the vagina do when you're, you know? I remember someone saying, because, like, it's just tears. It just tears I do. Oh. Like in big mouth? I remember someone goes like, someone was like, yeah,

you know when they have an orgasm and it starts going, whack, whack, whack, and I was like, I was like, they don't do that with me. But you're afraid to tell them that.

Oh, dude, when the rubber hit the road with me. Like I talked about sex, I was in it, I was ready to have sex. Yeah. And then that first night,

that night I had sex, I fucked it up so bad that it changed me for the rest of my life. Like I was now no longer the sex guy I was the relationship guy. I was like, I was like, man, I'm just gonna fuck.

I wanted to fuck so bad. That's all, I dated this chick in ninth grade. I was like, are we gonna fuck or what? And she was like, I'm, it's a little young. And I was like, that it's over. And then I started, yeah, and then our next girl. And I was like, are we gonna fuck or not? And she was like, I don't mean, we just started dating.

And I was like, done next. And I get to sex. 17 years old, and I'm like, I am chomping at the bit. Oh, shit. 17 years old. Three years later. Three years later. Dude.

Get a girlfriend. Fucking hot as shit. I knew she had sex before, so I'm like, cool, right? Yeah. That's when you know you're about to have a good time. Fuck, yeah. And so, uh, go get in there. We go to, uh, her friends, dad's crash pad.

Her dad was the fucking player. Yeah. Crashpad and Carol Wood, a little condo. Me and Jeff Hartley bring the same guy. Yeah. And Jeff Hartley bring these two. Did you know he had a hammer then? I've known he's had to hammer my whole fucking life.

Everyone knew. Everyone knew. And he fucked. Did you get work? Okay. I'll ask this question later. You keep going. No, you keep going.

No, you keep going. No, you keep going. Okay. You're sweating a lot. I'm, I just finished a workout. I just finished a workout a little bit ago. I'm a little affected right now. I'm a little affected.

So we get a case in Addy Light, a pet cemetery, and two condoms, right? We're like, this is going to lock it down. Condoms from inside the gas station. From Amico, Amico bathroom. Yeah. Amico bathroom on the quarter of, on the quarter of Erlick and Dale Mayberry. All right.

So, yeah, these are real, these are real stories. So these are real stories. This is, I love a small detail of a story because then you know it's true. So we go to her out, we go to her dad's crash pad. We watch the pest cemetery. And then my check's like, hey, do you want to go to the bedroom? And I'm like, it's happening. Yes.

I look at Hartley, fist bump, walk into the bedroom. Kiss, kiss, kiss, let's get to business. Get her naked. I still have all my clothes on. Get her naked and I'm like, all right, time to perform. Drop my pants to my knees. I have my baseball jacket on. I have my hat on.

I have my shoes on. Drop my pants to the knees. Pull the condom out. I am now shaking. And I'm like, I didn't think I'd be shaking at this moment. I undo the condom and I've never seen a condom before. And I'm like, okay, my mom rolls my socks up. Yeah.

I unroll them before I put them on. That's how we put on condoms. I've never put a condom on before. So I unroll it all the way. And I'm like, that's a lot bigger than I thought need. Roll it back four inches. And I'm like, there we go, that'll suit it. I take it.

I go to slide it over, and as I push it down, it inflates. And I go, the fuck. And I'm like trying to squeeze. I'm no joke, I'm trying to squeeze the air out of it. It's going, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I'm making balloon animals at the corner of a bed. And I'm like, what the fuck? She's still naked going, uh.

I'm like, motherfucker. So I get rid of the condom. I go. She knows. Yeah. She's making, no, she's like, uh. No, she's doing sexy noises. Whatever, whatever.

Whatever. She was like, she's trying to be a zombie. She's trying to pretend she's not getting totally ignored on a bed, totally naked. Freezing her ass off. I'm wearing a jacket. So I go back out to Hartley. I'm like, I need that other condom. He goes, you're done already?

I said it's a long story. Just give me the other condom. So he's like, all right. So we do the cool hand guy shake with the condom. I go back in. Now things are making sense. Pinch the reservoir tip. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Slide it up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I put the condom on. I remember putting it on felt good. And I went, hmm, wow, I'm really primed. I get on top of her in real time, in real time. And I'm watching the clock. In real time, I get on top of her.

I'm in, I pull out, and it's over. I come. I'm done. I'm done. Wow. And by the way, I'm so overwhelmed by the feeling that I'm unaware of what's that it maybe should have been longer. I'm just so overwhelmed by how great it felt.

like, and she looks at me and goes, are you going to put it in? I look down my dips between her butt cheek in the bed. I didn't even fuck her. Oh, my God. I lost my virginity to a mattress. I didn't even need her in the room technically. And then I'm like, uh, okay.

And then I compromise the integrity of the economy. It's completely compromised. Start from scratch with that fucking, it's like going on a hike and going, Hold on, let me jump in the river real quick before we start. Right. Yeah, let me get my socks good and wet. This will be a fun hike.

I get done and I remember going into the bathroom and hands on the counter looking at myself and going, what the fuck did you do? I mean, it's like the clearest I've ever. I've only seen myself in a mirror clearly a couple times in my life where I go. I know that boy is. One is that moment. The other is I lost a weight, lost bed to scur and he shaved my beard off. And the first time I looked at a mirror, I went, oh, my God, I know you. Oh, you poor little boy.

I forgot you covered it out of herself up with your beard. And the other time was the first time I did cocaine in New Orleans. And I had to look down on that line of coke. And I looked in the mirror and I saw myself doing coke for the first time. And I'm like, this isn't who you are. And then I did coke. I was like, it's who you are now, though, motherfucker. Fucking let's get shit done.

We can rip trees out of the fucking ground. Yeah. Holy fuck, dude. And then so then. When you got done that night, like you got up after. after you blew the load, you got up and went to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom.

I was like, shit. I don't even know. I was so lost in the... I mean, there's parts I could tell you that you wouldn't believe, that you wouldn't believe, that you wouldn't believe that are 100% true. And I'm going to not add them in the story because it's so unbelievable. I'm going to tell you one of them that's so unbelievable, you're going to go, that didn't happen.

And I swear to you, may God strike me down with a heart attack right now. now if I'm lying. When I was done, I pulled my dick out. And I was like, I think she's done. I didn't have another orgasm. I'm just fucking pumped away and abused condom for fucking 10 minutes. I get down to the end of the bed. I'm like, what the fuck? I look down on my dick and there's no condom. Oh, yeah. And I look over and it's between her legs. And I'm like, oh my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I grab it. I'm not, I'm not. I swear to you, I swear to you. I grab it. And it's not coming. I pull, pull, pull. I give it a pull. It goes, So, chaps my hand, flies out of my hand, lands on the mirror across the room, and is stuck

on the mirror, like those squids you throw on the wall and they crawl down slowly. And I'm like, the fuck, what the fuck? I go over, ribbon off the mirror, walking to the bathroom, I'm like, who the fuck are you? That is, I swear to God, that's true. And I know it doesn't seem like it could be possible. I swear to how that's true. I was like, and at that moment I was like, I'm going to be committed to a person. If I ever did this with another person, I'm going to be ready.

I'm not going to be doing this. Willing-nilly with strangers? I'm doing, the next time I had sex was with a girl freshman year high school that I ended up dating for five years. To your college? Yeah, yeah, freshman year of college. And I, and I listened. I remember I was talking so much about sex that wasn't listening to people. Right?

That man was so sexually charged and got in there and fucking shesley. The number one of the best post-out clarity I've ever heard in my life. Yes. Yeah. Like, you know, sometimes you finish jerking off and you kind of sat at yourself. Like, you had a whole different lifestyle change. Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt the greatest podcast that's ever happened to us in our entire lives for another extremely amazing ad read.

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and they're like what you got to do is jerk off before you have sex with her and i'm sorry we were just talking about the kFC and fidelberg yeah jerk girlfriend and so freshman year meet the girl we date we hang out we're dealing for like a week we're like getting along pretty good, go to my room, and it's going to happen. And I raced down the bathroom and I jerked off and I was a fucking champ. And I was like, all right, start listening. Start listening. Yeah.

And then I dated that girl for a while. I've only been with six chicks. So I'm not like a, and that is because of that first experience. And it's just like, and I was like, I don't want to. It's also, you know, it's, I don't know, whatever. I just wasn't good at it. And I was like, I'm not going to. It's like, you know, it's like, you ever have someone, you go, hey, you want to do karaoke?

And they're like, no, you should do it. And you're like, no, seriously. I know I'm not good. you're like, but try it. And they're like, I don't sing well. And you're like, try it. And then they get up and you're like, oh, you fucking suck. They're like, yeah, I knew that about myself.

That's why I didn't want to do karaoke. Yeah. That's about me fucking. That's hilarious. I think that's the key, too, is we were talking about with the Fidelberg and KFC because Fights and I were saying, if we jerk off before we go hang out the chick, like, once you get that post-out clarity, you don't even go, you don't want to go out anymore. You're like, I'll lay up and watch Netflix all night versus, like, going out.

Yeah. But you trap yourself in the, you lock the gates. You go to the house. You're like, give me a minute. You go and spank one off. And then you come back ready to go. Then you kind of give yourself no chance.

You're back against the wall. I think the thing you're supposed to do in the situation is get as least horny as possible and make it about business when you jerk off. Like you're just kind of like, let me just get this excretion, this stuff out of me. Poison out of me. Yeah, get out of here, you. Whatever that is, it's poison. Because if you go and you're like surfing the web all of a sudden, you're finding that one per,

you know how you surf all the videos. If you watch 10 seconds of that, when you go to the next video. She wasn't good enough in that moment. So if you go find somebody else. You go back three videos. You're like, I think that wasn't one. And then an hour passes and you finish. You're like, well, that was a full day.

You know what I'm saying? You can't do that. I wish I worked for pedophiles. If you're like, just go jerk off and then maybe you don't kid. I wonder. It's a thought. I wonder if that's a thing. It's just being there in handbook.

I mean, like, because I know for a fact, if I fly home, I'll fly home, I don't know when I'll fly home. On May, sometime in May, when I go home. I need to fuck my, I need to plant my seed the second I get home. I need to connect with my wife or will fight. However, pre-jerk off Bert is a lot more attentive as a husband. So what I do, what I found I do is I go in horny because then I'm like, I'm like, I want to fuck. So I'm like, how do I help around the house?

I tell me about the girls. I want to hear about this shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, for real, they were late to drop off and you were sitting at the house all day. Oh, my God. That must have sucked. Shut up. Oh, no.

And, like, all those things that you don't want, like, literally, I'll, fucking, and, and then I'll be that good husband. Then I go to the sauna. I'll jerk off in the sauna. The best jerkoffs are ever in a fuck. Really? The sauna cock is, like, the biggest cock you'll ever have. Really?

A cock. You ever have ever had sauna cock? No. No. Been in a lot of. I'm like, damn. It's kind of sad. Dude.

You know? It's after a workout. Yeah. He's going to slumped over. Yeah. I remember you want to talk about dangerous. I was in Miami and this, Liam was pregnant with Isla.

A lot of heat too. Yeah, I was in my, I was in Miami and I was self-lification. And I was at the hotel and I went to the sauna and Leanne, my wife, Leanne was flying in that day. And this chick comes in in panties, no top, and shell top Adidas in the sauna. Right.

Shell top Adidas. Fucking weird out. And she just comes in and she's hot, kind of hot. Yeah. Sit down and she goes, you want to fuck? And I go, no. She was like, she was like, we can. And I was like, okay.

I was like, my wife's pregnant. And she was like, I don't care. And I was like, okay. And I just sat there and I was like, I think I have to leave now. And I was like, I remember thinking like, and then I told the story to someone else. I said, shelt stop Adidas. And they go, I think she might have been homeless or on drugs. Who the fuck walks in?

to Asana with panties and shelltoppeditius. She was going to fucking fuck you for money. And I was like, oh. That makes sense. Yeah. That makes more sense. That whole, uh, what if anybody walks into a sauna, but it's been used on.

It's kind of fucked up. It's your dream always. When you go to Asana is that some hot chick's going to come in and be like, hey, you know. Music playing. Yeah. And then that's the fantasy. But then when it shows up, it's never the thing you think it's going to be.

Like shark attacks. You think they're going to bite on this. side you're going to be holding his head. No, no. But it's just something to go, ow, what the fuck was that, you know? Yeah. Not that I, you know. Yeah, I mean, you've been bit by a shark? I know I got bumped by a shark once. You're lying. I swear to God. Do you shit yourself? I was in, we were at New Smyrna Beach. We were big, we were used to surf back when I was a kid and I was with my buddy Wicho. And I was, you could, New Smyrna, you could pretty much walk out to the waves and then you'd paddle out past the

break. It was pretty shallow for a long way. And some hit my leg. Boom, hard as fuck. I ran out of the water. I ran out of the water. And it was the probably, I mean, I've been surfing since but that ended surfing for a long time at New Smyrna. And I've been back to New Smyrna. I've served at New Smyrna since.

And I suck at surfing just so we're clear. But yeah. But I've done a lot of shit with sharks. I've been out of the cage with great white sharks. I've done. You've been out of the cage? Out of the cage.

Not on purpose, but we were, we were swimming with blue sharks. I've had, so just to put, So everyone knows, I've had a bunch of shows where I had amazing life experiences. So I had hurt Bert. I was a cage fighter. I was a professional football player. I was a hockey goalie.

I was a dominatrix gimp. I did all of that. I was a rodeo clown. I got mauled by a bull. Then I had a show called Bert the Conquer where I did roller coasters, but also these bizarre extreme activities like base jumping or bungee jumping or skydiving. And then I also had a show called Trip Flip where I took people for four years on adventures of a lifetime around the world.

world. So I've rock climbed in How Long Bay. Like, I've done insane stuff. And one day, I was in South Africa, I swam with Greywise Sharks. I jumped off stadium and I repelled off Table Mountain all within a 12-hour period. And I was just sitting in my room, just shaking going, should I jerk off now? Like, it was like, and so I've done everything there is to do. Like anything you can think of doing, I've done, and I've probably done it twice, just because for TV purposes. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that about you. I've swam with sharks. I've swam with sharks probably 12 times. Like, legit. Like, in the cage, out of the cage.

First time it was out of the cage. We were swimming blue sharks just outside Catalina. And the blue sharks just went like this and disappeared. And we were like, what the fuck? And we see a shadow. I'm with this guy, shout out to John Manley. He's a marine biologist. And he grabs me and pulled, where the cage is right next to us.

Right. He grabs me, holds on the cage. He pops up and he's like, Great White. And I went, what? And this thing moves. with such intention. Do you know when, you know when, and I put it, there are people when you play sports,

and I can only put it in my perspective of when I played football, I was not great, but you'd watch someone who moved so much quicker than everyone else. You're like, well, what the fuck, dude? This isn't fair. That's Great White sharks. Great white sharks. Really?

Decide where they want to be, and they're there before you know that they're there. And it's, I mean, this thing moved with such intention is the only thing I could think that I got out of, out of the water immediately. I saw it. I got out of water. John Manley stayed in. You saw it when you were in the water? I saw it when I was in the water. What was it doing?

Just on the outside. And then it started coming in. Tom Manley hopped in the cage. I hopped out. This fucking awesome Mexican lady was making burgers. One of the best burgers I've ever had in my life, by the way. Really? I murdered that fucking burger watching this great white swim around. But I've swam, I've since swam with them in South Africa. I've swam on North Shore.

I've swam four or five times with the North Shore. Dad, out of Holly Eva. out maybe like a mile. I brought my daughters out there to swim with them. My daughters will swim with sharks a few times. Those are all in the cage? Oh, those are all in the cage. What's that experience like when you bring your daughters with you to do that?

You worry for them? Is there like a weird thing that you feel? No, no, because I know it's safe. And it's really fun. It's, uh, I, I let, I, I would say it's like going to church and getting it. Like, I'm not a religious person, although I have like, you know, things about stuff prayer. Yeah.

But like, like a real religious person who goes to church. and then they feel it, then they walk out and they feel, you know, the power of God or whatever. Yeah. That's what it's like swimming with great white, we're swimming with sharks

and watching your kids see it because you're sitting there watching your kids be like, oh, and you're like, yes, that's, is this me? Yeah, that's me and my girls, yeah. And so it's,

and it's also really cool. Like we did it out in Bali, I think, or Bali, I think. Oh, my God. Man, all that blue. That would terrify the shit out of me. No, it's, doesn't because you have a child, right?

Yes, three week old. Okay. So there's this really cool thing that happens when you're a dad. You're no longer scared for your own good. You know, I know that if something happens, I just know my position is I would give up my life for those kids. And it's crazy how confident you feel in any situation. So we were in Fiji, Bali, I think. We were in Bali one time. And we were drifting the reef.

And the boat drops you off one place. and then the boat goes down here, and then you just take the current down to the boat, and it's beautiful. It's beautiful, but it's just us. It's just me and my girls. It's just you in this cage, and you're, the cage is slowly.

No, no, no, no, no. In Bali, it was just us. It was no cage. They drop you off here on this side of the island, and the current's going to take you down, and the boat just shows up there. But you're in open ocean. Yeah, that sounds a little.

Little sharks swim by, but it's crazy. As a dad, I'm not concerned, because I know sharks aren't technically as dangerous as everyone thinks. But I just know, my role. I know my role in that situation. And so all the fear, like if I was by myself, I'd be nervous. But because my kids are there, I go, oh, no, I'm fine. I know my role. It's a

bizarre thing that happens as a dad when you, and when you watch your kids, because you're like, you don't have to be nervous because I'm not nervous because I know that I'm just going to give my life for you. Yeah. But we've done a lot of cool shit. Because of Travel Channel, I had a bunch of experiences that I could then take my kids to and show them to and that's swimming with sharks is one of them. Yeah. You've done everything, bro. Yeah, I've never have my, I've never, I've swam in the ocean. I've gone surfing. Yeah. There's been a couple instances where I was like,

was there a shark there, but never. A little spooky? Well, yeah, because there was a couple times where like me and my buddy were surfing and a bunch of dolphins showed up. And they were kind of like sticking around us and wouldn't leave us alone type of thing. Like you'd be on it and the wave would be coming

and the dolphins be like on the wave with you. Isn't that cool? Yeah, but that's kind of like a, I guess a known thing that like something, a predator is around and the dolphins are actually protecting you. Yeah. So once they started doing that and like we caught on, he knew way faster than I did because I'm like,

oh, sick dolphins. And he's like, hey, that's awesome, man. We should probably cruise in. Like, it's getting a little late. It's like, four o'clock. You know, and we got eyes like, yeah, dolphins do that when there's a predator around. Fuck, man. It's kind of wild.

In Boer, we swam with the Black Tip Sharks. Yeah, little guys, right? Yeah, which is crazy. There's like hundreds of them all around you. One that would, like, come right for your face and then, like, veer off. But, you know, quick little fucker. Yeah, yeah. But a little creepy.

Yeah. But it was fun of shit. And then those things, what are the things called that killed Steve Irwin? Bing, Ring Race. Yeah. Reyes, bro. That those are, that's what had me a little on edge. Really?

We're swimming with him and there's a Steve Irwin. If you ever happened, I guarantee. He killed another dude. No, it didn't. Yeah, yeah, a Puerto Rican dude. It flew in the air and just stabbing him in the heart. Is that a real, is there a video? Google it.

He was in a boat and it just flew out of the air in the boat, stabbed him in the heart. And left. Yeah. And the dude was telling us that, oh, they didn't have their like stingers cut off or nothing. They're big, bro. And they're swimming on top of you. And I was just like, you know, like you're kind of like a statue.

as it gets on you, you're like, come on, we'll do it. I'm like, huh. Well, that's the thing. But all about animals, you can't tell them to go of 50%. Right. They're going to do their thing.

So, like, when we did, whenever we did anything dangerous, you could always tell someone, hey, man, let's take it slow the first couple times. Right. And then get everyone comfortable. But animals go, boom, boom, boom. And there's certain things like,

I worked with tigers, you do not turn your back on a tiger. The second you turn your back on a tiger, it goes into a hunting mode. Really? And it is in, fucking sane. Tigers are terrifying.

Tigers are terrifying. I played when I played football, you'll be able to pull this up. I'm sure you can find this. Don't pull it up yet. Let me tell the story first. So we play arena football. Los Angeles Avengers, maybe.

Yeah. And I suit up. I'm in good shape at the time. I'm younger, but I'm in good shape. Would you play when you played football? Linebacker. Got you. Yeah, linebacker.

And, you know what happened? First game. First game, I'm seventh grade. I'm playing junior varsity and they put me in random. I was like just go in middle linebacker first play interception

running back to the one yard line and they're like shit we got a fucking savant and so then I played I played I started for the rest of up until ninth grade and ninth grade I was like I in Florida you had to kind of focus on either baseball or football and so I was like

playing JV at seventh grade seventh grade yeah it was here in Tennessee really? Yeah they have there was an eighth graders playing at Lipscomb playing varsity in the state championship game this past year. Isn't that weird? Yeah, I didn't know about that either. He's like I was playing JV in seventh grade.

I'm thinking you could play junior varsity. I didn't know you could even do that, yeah. Oh, that was a Berkeley prep. It's not so. You were a stud. I would know, I was bigger than most boys. I was very athletic. I'm still very athletic.

The things people count, like think about me, they see me and they go, oh, yeah, right. It's like, Rogan, I told him I could run a marathon with no training at all. And he was like, bullshit, I did it. It just went out, party the night before went out. ran a marathon five hours and 33 minutes, finished it, and everyone was like, shut the fuck up.

So they take me out to play football, right? And so this is Arena League football. So... What's the boards in Arena League? I don't understand that. I think that shit is sick. You like that shit? People over the edge.

I think it's awesome. So the first play, hit pause, hit pause, hit pause, hit pause, hit pause, hit pause. This is not the first play. The first play, I realize my offensive line's not going to block. You'll see this. I realize I realize I'm the paper talk. you know, George Clinton or whatever.

So I'm also fairly athletic. I'm also fairly competitive. So I drop back, I take a step and I run it up the center and I run a touchdown. This is right after practice. I run a touchdown. I run past, I blow past all these guys. Coach comes out and he goes,

the fuck did I just see? A fucking comedian just blew your doors off and ran for a touchdown? You motherfuckers, there's a reason you don't start. Do you understand? understand me? There's a reason you're not playing in the NFL. This motherfucker better leave on a fucking stretcher

if you want your job. And I'm like, oh, I think I fucked up. Yeah, no doubt. And go ahead and hit play. And then this is all of a sudden it's just, it's, I, there's one shot where you're going to see, yes, me. There's one shot where you can see me get a concussion. So they know. Oh, yeah. This is. Oh, that's you right there? That's me. I almost broke my neck on a, on a, on a, on a, on a,

field goal. Are you looking fit there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at this. When he hits me on this field goal, you're like, oh, he could have definitely broke your neck. Watch this. Oh, yeah, that's a bad one.

Wait, wait, wait, here we go. This is the one you need to see. The blind side sack. Keep going. Keep going. The pads. Okay, there you go. There you go.

Right here. This one's rough. Oh, fuck, man. Honkied. Yep, right there. Completely concussed. Dude, it's crazy seeing how young you are. I know. My voice is really high, too.

I broke my hand. Did you really? Yeah. What did you break in your hand? I have no idea. And you're just doing this for like making a show. 10 grand. That ain't worth 10 grand.

No, no, it's not. Oh, an episode? An episode? Yeah. I ran an episode. Did six episodes. I was a dominatrix camp. I was a, I was an MMA fighter for a day.

I fought four graces at once. Dude, they choked me out. You ever been choked out? One. Terrifying. Going to sleep is kind of scary, but then you're just asleep. Yeah. Because you're fighting it.

You're going, no, no, no. And then you just wake up and you're like, what's that? What happened? Everybody? And they're like, you okay? Yeah. You okay? They're just saying like Portuguese things.

And you're like, huh? Huh? Yeah, this is me fighting the Graces. Horriyan has the big school out. It's so funny. Ida wants to take. How old are you there? 29.

How old are you now? 49. Here we go, yet again. I know we're breaking up the greatest podcast of all time, but please do us a favor. Go to YouTube. Go to Spotify, go to Apple, go to everything you listen to on podcasts,

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Get it. Love it. You're perfect. Everything works. Have a great day. You're welcome on the sex. Almost 50. I've been in the game a while, bro.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think I, it's the thing that's lucky about comedy is that I, I had some success when I was younger. I got a bunch of development deals. I got a TV show. I got a couple TV shows.

But as far as stand-up goes, I was always behind all my friends. like Segura, Burr, all my friends were all ahead of me and I was doing television and I thought that was the thing, the end game. Yeah. But I also got into podcasting at the right time with Rogan and that, and that generation. And I was very lucky that I wasn't, and then all of it went away. And I had to figure it out when I was like 44, I had to figure out maybe 42, 43.

I had to literally start from scratch. I got, I got fired from Travel Channel. I was supposed to do this Funnier Die tour you know, oddball and I got pulled off that. I had no dates coming up because I was planning on doing

this oddball tour. My wife's redoing our house. My podcast is getting no funding. Is this a Burtcast? Yeah, Bertcast. And I remember talking to Tom and he was like doing oddball and this is like, you want to talk about

where you realize where you are on the pecking order. I was getting paid $2,000 a week for oddball, my offer. And Tom was getting $20,000 a show. and I was like, and he goes, he said, man, it's going to be a lot of money you're missing out if you're not doing this.

And I said, all the money is not that good. He said, what are you talking about? We're on the phone. I'm my best friend. And I said, Oh, have you guys know each other at this point? About 15 years. Okay, so you guys know each other for a long time.

And he says, I mean, knows my child. He knows all my children from the day they were born. He knows, he knows me. And I said, it's not like, it's two grand. And he went, what? And I said, wait, what are you getting paid? And he goes, I don't want to tell you. and I go, why?

And he goes, it's going to fuck up our friendship. And I went, hold on, what are you getting paid? And he goes, he was, all right, I'll tell you, but this can't change anything about us. And I go, and I remember where I was sitting. I remember how I was sitting. My phone was on my desk on speaker, and I had my arms on my knees like this. And I made a decision. I went, all right, I love this dude.

I've known him my whole life. I've known him when he was broke, very broke. I want him to be successful. I think him being successful helps me ultimately in the wrong run. I said, I made a decision, this will not fuck up our friendship. And he was like $20,000 of his show. And I went, and I had to take a moment and go, this is where you're at, man. This is where you're, this is real.

This is where you're at. You're not worth anything in the stand-up business right now at all. You do not have a value to anyone. And he does. And that's cool, but you need to figure a way out of this. And I went, all right, all right. and I just was like, I know I can get,

I know I can do shows. I know I'm a good comic. I need to get people at my shows. I need to build a following so I can get people at my shows so that people, so that people want to see me. And if people want to see me,

I'm selling tickets, then Netflix will want to work with me. And if Netflix works with me, then I can sell more tickets. Right. And I, and man, God bless, Burr, Rogan,

Segura, are the three guys I got to give credit to. They just, everyone was like on my team. You know, like, it's a hell of a team. to have. It's a really great, really great fucking team to have.

And, you know, Joe is like, I had a special coming out. Joe goes, hey, man, we're pimping it out. We did the end of the world podcast. Yeah. Joe, and it was four comics on stage. Me, Burr, Stanhope, and Joe. Joe's like, these are the guys. And I'm like, okay, that's a good list to be in.

By the way, I think I'm nothing. I think I'm garbage at this time. It's good list to be in. The next day, Joe has been on his podcast again to do, to promote my special. Whatever you need, man, whatever you need. Burr, God bless, Burr, we, start doing something's burning, right? Over at all things comedy. Segura says, let me get you funding for your podcast. Let's get you sponsorship. Let's

bump your numbers. Sagura, Burr, Rogan, Joey, everyone's coming on my podcast, get my numbers up. My numbers get up. I get funding. And I remember getting my first check for my first read and going, hey man, like this week of reads, that's what I would have made on Travel Channel. And I was like, holy shit. And I didn't have to get any of managers and agents. And I was like, fuck. And then I started seeing the business very differently and I went, fuck television. Fuck all of that. This podcasting is real. People are listening. They're growing. And I'm thinking for every 10,000 people, I bet that's 100 tickets. I'll sell on the road. And then the machine story went viral and it was a game changer. And then I started believing in myself going like, dude,

I think Jesus Amiro funny as fuck. I was like, I want to get on Jesus Amiro. And so I'd reach out. They have a Showtime show. It's two dudes. They used to what called the The bodega, the bodega boys, I think. And so they had a great podcast. Sean Evans, now we all know Sean Evans, right? At this point, no one knew Sean Evans. And I watched him on thing on what you're called. And I was like, dude, this fucking hot one show is funny as fuck.

I was like, I want to get on it. I reached out to him. And this is, he is not getting any views at the time. And he was like, hey, we don't do comics. We just do hip hop stars. I said, well, if you change your mind, I'm a fan, I'd love to do it. And he was like, I'd love to get you on. Next season, he goes, hey man, we're letting comics on.

You want to do it? I do hot ones. Boom, big spike. All of some people come to shows. I started believing in myself. You handle yourself in that. What? I was,

I, the same way I'm handling myself here. If I like you, I will give you everything of me you ever want. I will fucking, like if I'm excited to do something, yeah. I come in guns blazing.

Like Jimmy Buffett had me on his podcast. I was like, motherfucker, you're going to get your socks knocked off. I am telling the machines. You, whatever the fuck you want, I will give you. And so I went into hot ones.

I was like, fucking drinking beer. Boom, whatever the fuck. You want me to tell the machine story? Done. You want me to tell flying dildos? Done. You want to tell you, fucking, you name it.

And so I fucking had a good thing. And then I got off and I went, Sean, you need Burr on, you need Rogan on, you need cigar on, you need Joey Diaz on. Because that's what they did for me. Right. Everyone helped each other. And then all of a sudden, Joey Diaz goes on, huge spike. Tom goes on.

Burr goes on. And then, I mean, you look at hot ones now and it's one of the biggest. Massive. And Sean Evans will tell you, I was the first. I'm a celebrity, but first person to reach out and go, your show's fucking badass, I want to get on. But I started going, like, find the things you like and be on those things. Like, if I like something, I go, I want to be a part of it because I enjoy it.

And I did that with Rogan. Like, I remember listening to Rogan when I was on Travel Channel. I'd listen to him on my iPad and my bed on the hotel room and just, I loved it. I loved it. And then he hit me up. He was like, hey, man, you want to do my podcast? I was like, you don't know what you're about to get. I was like, I fucking, I literally was like, I went in.

And I was like, I was like, are you getting that? I mean, I walked in and I remember being like, I was such a fan of his. And you never meet Joe this way. But I was like, first off, I got to meet your dog. I want to see your deprivation tank. I want to get high. I want to play pool. Then we can do the podcast.

And he was like, okay. So we went and did all that. And then we did the podcast. And at the end, I was like, hey, man, next time I'm back, remind me to tell you about the time I got involved with the Russian mafia. And he was like, what? And he was like, I was like, I yeah, it's a story. And I'd already told another story that day.

That's the story you wanted to hear. Yeah. And then he was like, come back. He's like, everyone wants to hear the story. I told it. And that moment changed my life forever. That moment, Joe Rogan was like, you need to tell that all stage. He said, when he is on stage this weekend in Columbus, he is not to be referred to as bird.

He's been referred to as the machine from this point moving on. His new name is the machine. And you chant it in the room until he tells that story. And I went to Columbus that week and I got on stage and they're like, the machine. And I was like, hey, guys, I know. what Joe said, but I'm not going to tell it. And they're like, Bo. Really? I couldn't get through a joke.

And then they're like, tell the fucking story. And I go, guys, this guy in the front row. And this is like, this is cool fan days. Like back in the day when like you had to know, like, everyone that listened to the podcast was a fan that were haters or anything. Yeah. This guy in the front row goes, hey, man, we understand it's not going to be good. We're going to fake laugh, right guys? And everyone's like, yeah, yeah, Bert, don't worry.

We'll fake laugh. And I was like, what? How fucking excellent is that? And they're like, you got to tell it for it to get good, Bert. So tell it, man. You got to tell it for it. Like, they knew comedy. So I was like, okay.

So I told it. It was probably 20 minutes long. And they were like, all right, you did it. Good job. Now you can do the rest of your act. This fan said that. So this is one we were called Desquod. So there was Desquod, Ohio, these group of guys that were like fucking rider dies.

This is back. Podcasting used to be, it's still really cool, but it used to be so niche that I would go to Scotland. and I would hit up on Twitter I go, hey, any Rogan fans want to meet me up for a beer. And 12 dudes would show up, no pictures, no nothing. We'd sit at a pub, drink beer in Scotland,

and talk about the Bobcat Goldfate episode. And they'd be like, yeah, it just aired. When we got there, they go, it was, in Scotland specifically, they go, have you listened to Joey Diaz today? And I went, no. They go, he was just on. It posts in an hour.

Blue cheese or go fuck your mother. And I went, what is the first time I ever heard that? And I went, what? And I'm just in Scotland with a bunch of fans. A bunch of random dudes. Random news are all like the same shit I like. And so like, so, and my head, it's the way I started looking at my business is like, I like, I like these guys. They like the shit I like.

I'd hit them up. I go, what else are you listening to? And they'd be like, have you listened to Dan Carlin? And I'm like, no, what the fuck's that? Or have you listened to fucking Ben Greenfield? Have you listened to fucking? Like, it was like a cool community. Right.

It's gotten so big now. It's like, you know, it's kind of so big. It's cool. I'm happy for everyone. It's one of those things that you were in the beginning, so now it's, like, too saturated. Where you kind of have this vibe like, oh, I saw it first. Yeah, but that's like what's cool with you guys,

what's cool with KFC radio, what's cool with that, like Big Cat, those guys, is that it's all kind of new to me a little bit. So when you do see, like, my dad's now a huge barstool fan, which is like so bizarre. And he hit me up, he was like, hey, man, can you hook me up with some of their gear? And I was like, uh, he was like, you know,

the guy, Dave Portnoy, can you see if you can send some the golf stuff to me? I was like, Dad, just buy it. I'll buy it for you. I'm not going to fucking reach out of Dave Portnoy. And then they hit me up today and they were like, hey man, we got your dad covered. And I was like, yeah. So my dad's like, so my dad's like, here's what I want.

I'm like, oh my God, dad, don't make a meal of it. Just fucking take whatever. It's a sweatshairs. It's such a gray area too. Yeah. It's 100% cod. What's the material? You tell your boys, hey, I'll get you whatever you want. And they actually send you whatever they want.

You're like, damn, you guys are kind of grasping it. It's like a double standard in a weird way. Did you find busing through Barsole? No, I found, no, because you guys sent me a hat and I tagged Portnoy in the hat. Yeah. And my girls, right. And then you guys reached out and you're like, wrong guy. And I went, wait, what?

And then I said, and there's something I always liked about athlete, uh, entertainment. And I say that, like you guys in McAfee, like AJ Hawk, Aaron Rogers. Like there's something very Um comforting about the way You guys talk I feel like that's how the guys I grew up with talked You know like yeah yeah yeah

Like shab's the same way Like there's a there's like like when you said like It's crazy when you realize there's people built different right Yeah not everyone knows that And so I think I don't know I just like it It's like I like listening to MMA fighters It's more um As opposed to like the not just slight

anyone, but like the more alt-y things where it's like, a guy who talks like this, she went to her Brooklyn apartment to get ice cream. Doon, do, do, do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, I don't get you.

I don't know if I'd like you. Yeah, I feel you. I want a dude who's like, yeah, man, pussy swells, you know? Dude, it is kind of weird when you see like athletes, like, even for us, I don't know if you feel this way, Will, but like when I see Aaron Rogers, on Pat McAfee show.

I'm like, fuck, that's Aaron Rogers. Just being a normal guy with the boys. Oh. It's kind of like cool. He came to our tour bus. Oh, really? Oh, this is a good story. This is a really good story.

So I'm happy I lock this. Oh, I want to go back to the bus with the boys thing because it's rad that you like like like like like like like it's red because you did the thing with KFC. That's the show you guys did together yesterday. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, Will someone you're like stoked to come on. I'm like, how fucking cool is that?

Oh, fuck. Yeah. Well, dude, when I saw Bert was following me one time, I was like, you know, I fucking made it. People think like we're celebrities, but then we look at celebrities, like, oh, that'd be sick to have Burke Kreisher on the podcast. And now we're sitting here on the podcast like, hey, fucking made it. Athletes want to be entertainers and entertainers want to be like. 100%.

No, but if there's something about the fact that you guys do this, that makes you go, you guys are the guys in the locker room that get it. You know, does that make sense? Like when I first met Pat McAfee, I was like, someone's like, you got to meet Pat McAfee. I can't even remember the first time I met him. and I, but I was like, the way he talked, I went, I think I'd get along with this guy. I think I'm playing as when he met him?

No. Was he out of the league? Like, was he touring? They told me about him first. They told me about him first. You're going to love Pat McAfee. He's a kicker or punter. And he does stand up.

He did one, stand up once. He recorded their first special. And in hearing the pitch of Pat, I was like, I'm not going to like him. And then they're like, he got drunk and jumped in a river. And I was like, oh, yeah, I'm back. I like him again. And they're like, but he's sober now. I go, I don't like him.

And then they're like, you got to hang out with him. And I was like, okay. And I met him, did his show. And just the, I think he called me Cousy. Yeah. I just was like, I was like, oh, I fucking liked this guy. And then I fell in love with him because there's something I do where I talk shit hardcore. And I said, I'm pretty sure I could kick a 40-year-hour field goal.

And he was like, no. And he was like, and I love the way, like, I love men being men where he goes, Explosivity, Cousy. Yeah. You don't have it. I go, what? And he goes, you don't have it. Let me show you something.

Takes me out, and he kicks a soccer ball against his wall. Yeah. A soccer ball. And it goes like, a hundred and twenty miles an hour. And I'm like, oh, you're right, I don't have that. Yeah. Like, there's something about that finite conversation. So Aaron Rogers, we go, I'm in Cleveland.

I'm in Green Bay, and I don't realize I'm performing. When is this? A couple months ago? No, I'll say exactly what it was. It was one week before he got COVID. Got you. going through the kitchen sink out with O'Rogan. It was right before he got COVID.

You gave Aaron Roger COVID. I was, I was, literally it was 14 days before. So we couldn't have given to him. But trust me when I say, AJ Hawk texted me. He goes, if you give this motherfucker COVID, all of Green Bay will hate you for the rest of your life. So, so we text, I realize I'm doing an arena in Green Bay and I'm unaware of it. And when, what happens with arenas is you'll sell 10,000 tickets.

and then they'll just push the stage back and add 2,000 more seats. So not to get too inside baseball, the way money works is once you sell past 90%, you get a huge portion of the door. And if you're in a arena, that huge portion could be hundreds of thousands of dollars. But once they push it back, you're at 85 fucking percent again to add a 2,000 seats. So you're constantly in a rush to move tickets. So they push the fucking stage back, and I'm like, fucking shit. So I'm just trying to get a little cloud or whatever on Twitter. So I write, hey, Aaron Rogers.

I don't know him. I say, hey, Aaron Rogers. My show's at 7 in Green Bay. So if you want to get dinner, it's going to have to be earlier or later one of the other. Let me know. Yeah. And then I get a DM. You trolling me, bro?

And I'm like, from Aaron. From Aaron. I call Segar immediately. Scurro's good with famous people. All his friends are fucking famous. Yeah. I go, dude, what the fuck? He goes, all right, calm down.

He goes, you fucked up. look the guy's got a lot on his plate just DM and say hey big fan would you like tickets to my show tonight and so I just type that and it doesn't feel like me if I type that yeah and then Aaron writes back oh thank god I thought you were fucking with me he's like I'm a huge fan um I can't go to the show tonight I have plans someone's birthday but a bunch of my guys are going to your show tonight and I was like oh cool this in the morning so I go to take a jog around Lambo and as I'm running out I see uh uh uh run you What's Runyon's first name? John?

No, this is his dad, I think. Yeah, he played at Michigan, right? His son plays. I think it's the third. I think it's John Runyon the third. I want to say John, but I knew this. John Runyon Jr. Yeah.

John Runyon and a bunch of the offensive line dudes are in a... You know John Runyon. Because I met him after this. Got you. So him and a bunch of his offensive linemen are in the van... Lock the R and all them. Going ready to go over to... Bok.

They're going over to practice and they say, I'm taking a jog around Lambo. And they're like, Bert, the machine. And I freak out. Because you got to remember. You remember when you were a kid and you didn't think you'd ever meet a professional football player? Yeah. And then,

and now I'm still that kid always. And now professional football players recognize me. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. So then I get back and, and Aaron texts me again. He's DMs me again. He's like,

hey, a bunch of my guys saw you over at Lambo. Where are you parked at? And I was like, right outside the venue. He's like, he's cool if I come by after practice before your show. And I'm like, yeah.

Let me see. I'll get back to you. So, yeah. So I like get out of... Yeah, we take the schedule. I'll let you know. I get out of bed and I'm like, hey, guys, I think Aaron Rogers is coming by. And they're like, no way.

Sure enough, man. Fucking knock on the window. The shades up, it's Aaron Rogers. He's like, open up. And I was like... Hang on. Is this like one of the... You got to be fully set it up and do a prayer in the shower type of moments?

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, that's only just health stuff in my career. It's fucking Aaron Rogers. I'm going to let it ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you had to let a ride. Fucking Jesus. the Jersey. He's like, hey man, fresh out of the shower, smells amazing,

looks great, everything you want out of him. Yeah. Big fucking hands. He sits down, fucking everything. I mean, great broad shoulders, everything. Yeah. Not shaving. I got the Keanu Reeves look on him. Yeah, yeah. And he goes, he's like, hey man,

you know, thanks for doing this. A bunch of my guys are coming to your show. And we're like, cool. And we're like, we have cameras out. And he's just not, he's like, yeah. We're like, what's it like living in Green Bay? And he's like, yeah, you know. And I was like, hold on.

let's cut the cameras. And we talked to him for like, fucking 30, 45 minutes to just bullshit with him. He said everything. I mean, he was like, the coolest guy in the fucking world.

And he's like, and then he's like, you mind if I get a picture? And I was like, yeah. And I fucking look fat as fucking it. And I'm like, and then he leaves.

And he's like, hey, hit me up in L.A. I'd love to hang out. And he's, I'll be in L.A. this summer, but we can get together

or bring getting a good chicks together. And I was like, I'm not bringing my fucking wife around yours, but Jesus Christ. I was like, What the fuck? Let me get a fucking prostitute.

I'll bring her with him. I'm my wife at home. Fucking, this is so much Jesus. So we, uh, and, and then I text him from time to time. And he loved, I mean, he, and I think there's no, no secret now. You have his number now. It's no longer a DM. You don't know how cool this is? I'm right now.

No. I texted him the other day as a reply. Oh, tough. Oh, tough. Don't, time, top. Um, you know what the cool part is, is when you go to my book, the very first number. because it's two A's in his name is Aaron Rogers.

I love it. Yeah. And so... Imagine being that famous or someone looking at their phone going how fucking cool is that? I got some good ones. I got some good ones in here.

This is, I'll tell you... Who is the most famous person in that phone is? I'll tell you what. Oh, you know what? There's something fucking wrong with my... The most famous person in the phone... It's probably got to be Joe. No.

Oh, yeah, I guess it is. Joe, that's kind of a boring one. Yeah. I got all of those numbers He's crazy famous though It's wild How insanely famous he is It's bizarre to me

Because I don't know him to be that When you met him Was he he's obviously not in the place he is now Because it's been the last three years Have been Through the roof But when you first met him Was he even close to that?

No no He had been kicked out of the comedy story He wasn't allowed to perform there Why? They He's taped Carlos Mincea Stealing Jokes And got on stage

and confronted him. And they kicked him out of the comedy story. He wasn't, he was doing spots at the Ice House. He had a great house. He had a great house. He had money. No, no. He had Fear Factor guy at this point. He made money.

He made money. He definitely had money, right? He had money. But he didn't have the money he had today. Like, meaning... Not a lot of people did. His money is almost like being a king. Like, yes, like, you know, it's like, we were talking about stem cells. Yeah, it does make sense.

Like, just like, like, there's... he'll say things and you'll but not he's not disconnected but like just it's like I remember him flying me and Tom up

first class up to he was like hey thanks for doing the podcast I got you guys a trip to San Francisco to go see a basketball game he's like what are the kind of seats that you want and Tom's like court side and he goes cool yeah I got you two court side seats for the calves and the Warriors

I'll fly you up put you up at the four seasons get dinner. We have a dinner set up for you guys and then fly you guys back. Thanks for doing the podcast. And Tom, I'm like, Joe, that's a lot of money. And he goes, I make a lot of money. And we're like, yeah, that, by the way, has trickled down to the way that I see the world because the thing that Joe is really

great about teaching us is that money doesn't fucking matter. And if you're not having fun, none of this fucking counts. And so Joe is the first one to buy a compound and, like, build out his podcast studio and have a gym. and a fucking and a fucking VR room and a deprivation tank and a sauna and a bone arrow archery range. And like, and then the podcast studio. And like, he was the first one to come. And then Tom did that. Now Tom's got a huge compound in Austin.

And Joe's got one in Austin. And then you start going, yeah, you should invest in yourself. You should make your product better and double down on your own, your own self. And you should have fun. Like, and I think that's like, and I see that like I told KFC and both of them, I, John and Kevin yesterday, I said I was talking about disappearing. I was wanting to do the pull of Dave Chappelle and just disappear. It's very romantic to me now.

I understand why he did it. It's not because he's crazy. It's because you have so much shit going on in your life that you actually don't ever get a break. You never ever get a break. Even when they say you have a day off, they still come at you, agents, managers. And I have so much going on. I have the fully loaded comedy fest that's in June. We're doing two weeks in June.

I have this tour. I have the Greek Cinco de Mayo. We've added red rocks. Like, all these things, I have a movie. I have a TV show. I have so much shit going on. Two bears, one cave, birdcast, that disappearing in South Africa sounds very romantic.

Leaving my phone, getting on a plane. No one knows where I am. It sounds really romantic. And I was saying to those guys yesterday. And then they were like, I want to do that. Because I had texted my team. I was like, hey, everyone got their passports.

Let's go to Paris next week. Right after we're done touring, let's just go to Paris for tonight and have dinner. Dispere. Don't tell anyone. we're all going to Paris. And then two of my cunts were like, no. And so I was like, all right, fuck you guys.

So I said it to John and Kevin, and they were like, we'll go. So I said yesterday I went, all right. I was like, here's the deal. And the same goes for you guys, by the way, if you were interested, let me know. Just you go to Paris? Nope. I'm going to give you a text. And you got 24 hours to get to JFK.

Randomly, we'll get it. Randomly, randomly. And you got to tell me you're in and you got to know that you're in. but I'll give you a text and I'll say JFK and I'll take, we're going to go somewhere for three days, two nights. Just fucking bounce. Just fucking bounce. We're one outfit, bounce and fucking, it could be Portugal. It could be France. It could be Lithuania. It could be, it's Czech Republic.

But we go in, we get a hotel, we land early in the morning, party all day, dinner that night, wake up the next day, full day of activities, fun, fucking, shit. Big dinner that night. Wake up the next morning. We're home Monday by 3 o'clock in the afternoon. That sounds like an injury. I told both of them, I said, I'm going to let my wife know right when I get home. I had to have my wife too. I had to tell my, I had to have Rayball. But hey, let you know, this

might happen in October. I might have to go. It won't happen in October. It won't happen in October. Can you give me like a general? I've already booked it. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. We've already booked it. Like, we've already, we've started the ball in motion. Oh, you've already booked the text that you've seen us. I already know, I already know,

I already know kind of where we're going. I'm not going to tell them. South America? No, I can't know. It will. This trip that you're thinking of is where we get the text. Yeah, who you get a text and you go. So this isn't something like, you know, I'll do it one day for you guys.

I'll do it for you. I'll do it for one day for you. If you guys want to do your own one, I can do your own one for you. I'm a lot for any of them. I'm a little lost. Are we invited to this one? You're invited to this one. But we don't know when it is until we get the text.

Yeah. You get a text. I'll give it to you a little further out in advance because you guys got to get the JFK. When's your two, wins your two around? May 15th. And then I'm doing Rogan. JFK. JFK.

And then I'm doing Rogan on the 18th. Yeah, I know who JFK is. You got shot in Dallas? And so... We toured it that one time we went out to do that. But the way... So this is the way that Rogan's brain creeps into my brain.

Fuck. He would do that in a heartbeat. He would... He would do that in a heartbeat and go... And go... Guys, let's just fucking bounce. Let's go somewhere. But Rogan's very private.

I am not. And I know for a fact that if we all went, we'd first of all, we'd talk about it for a week, right? It would be the funnest thing we ever did. We'd all put it on social media. It would be great business for all of us because all my fans would be like, holy shit, what are they fucking doing in Lithuania?

Yeah. And they'd be like, God damn it, everyone would get fun. Is that where it is, Lithuania? No, it's not. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Let him, sorry, sorry, bring my language. Could we bring our boys? but uh one of them oh

i'm letting i'm letting i'm letting i'm letting kevin and john bring one dude because they want to they want to film it for their podcast you got a film you got to you can bring one guy they're going to fly coach you guys will fly business yeah uh ladies gentlemen i know we're interrupting again and it's fucking pissing everybody off but here's the deal if it's tuesday and you're watching part one if it's thursday and you're watching part two right now in between those two right here like my nose is merch is dropping we got hats we got t-shirts We got everything is dropping on our website.

Go to barstool.com slash bussen. Is that correct? For the merch stuff? Barstle. Here's what we're going to do instead. Don't even say a word, Garrett. Put it right there, right? Because we pay you guys for it, right?

To do cool shit like this. I have a cool bar in my hand now. That if you just click this link, it's going to send you the merch. It's new. It's beautiful. You're going to love it. Please enjoy the rest of the show. Whether it's you can buy this tomorrow

or you could have bought this yesterday. Please enjoy the rest of the show. Love you so much. Couged kind of kisses. All right. So Joe's super private. You're not. Joe's super private.

He's super private. And so like he likes to, he loves to have fun, right? He loves to have fun. He loves to have a good time. But he's very, very private.

So, you know, you don't even really, I don't bring my phone out around him. Because he's, you know, he's one of the, thing like you're supposed to know when you're with him

and say he doesn't like, don't take videos at him. Don't look at him. Yeah, yeah. Don't look him in the eyes. When you talk to him, look down. Yeah.

It's just like he's the most famous person. Like we all were hanging out in the green room. And I told my friends that were with us. I said, just don't talk. Don't talk because he's the most famous person in the world. And so like, just don't talk. He wants to hang out with comics. I'm letting you come in and hang out with comics.

We're just comics talking comic shit. We're talking bullshit. We're gossiping. We're doing all the shit comics do. Don't jump in and talk. And my buddy's like, okay. And then he's like, Joe, do you stretch when you wake up? And Joe's like, what fuck are you doing?

Oh, it's tough. I mean, all of us, we started punching this guy in the leg. We're like, shut the fuck up. And he's like, what? He's like, Joe, are you scared to drive race cars? Because we started two bears one racing. And he's like, what the fuck? And then you're like, I'm so sorry.

And it's like, it's like Tom's eyes. Tom's like, apologize. Yeah, that's tough. We have to apologize for somebody. But, uh, but yeah, but so like I think, I think always of the, the macro. Is that it? And so I think of the big picture. Is that right?

that means? I think of the big picture and I go, first of all, first of all, life's about great experiences. I believe that. I know for a fact,

and this is another, this is a Tom thing. Tom, when he's on tour, he flies out friends he grew up with, flies him out first class, brings them out on tour with him,

they sit on the bus, they fly private around when he goes, because he flies private from gig to gig, the bus meets them, takes him out to nice dinners, has big, big experiences,

goes to the Soho Club and brings a friend that maybe wouldn't to experience that, brings them, and then says, hey man, I just want you to enjoy it. Tom enjoys watching people have a good time. He really does. That's how we got into this present battle, is he enjoys watching you, making you happy, makes Tom happy.

And so, and I never realized that until Tom kind of, Tom and Joe are the same way. They're both that way. You know, if you ever say anything about anything you ever would want in front of Joe, it is at your front door the next day. I remember one time he was like, yeah, you're running on a bullshit treadmill. I was like, well, what's the one should I get? He goes, the air runner.

It's the fucking legit treadmill. And I was like, I don't know, what the fuck is it? And I go, Joe, it's $5,000. He goes, next day it's in my fucking driveway. And I'm like, and it's a $5,000 treadmill that I fucking hated. I hated this fucking treadmill. I fucking wish I had my bullshit treadmill back.

It was such a cheat. And this thing's like, fucking, you gotta move it with your own fucking feet. I fucking, this thing sucks dick. fucking smokers $5,000 to do all the work. I had this idea one time for my birthday

I was like everyone wants to buy my family wants to buy me a presence, but I don't want what that I want something I want a motorcycle, right? Like I don't want like

A motorcycle do you want A fucking Harley chopper A barber. I want I think bobbers go fucking hard. Yeah, would just be Yeah, bobers are dope choppers are cool

But I feel like choppers were cool When like, was it orange county chopper was open? That's when you were like, oh fuck I want a chopper. I would like a bobber. Bollars go hard now. There's a company in Japan that does like super retro-bobber type, like that tires in the front, and they go hard.

I think it's called like something Beatle. But anyway, yeah, so you want a heart. And so one, Chris, one birthday, this is going to sound so fucking stupid. It's an idea that I had that I think really does work. And I don't know why they don't have this as a business. Maybe I'll create this. I started to go fund me for myself. Yeah.

Saying to my family, not to my fans, to my fans, to my family, hey, I've made myself a go-fund me. Instead of buying me the bullshit present, take the money and put it in the go-fund me so I can buy something I want. Right. So, like, my mom, my sisters, my wife, everyone, I don't want the fuck you're going to give me. Just give me the money, and then I can buy myself what I want.

But I accidentally, when you start a go-fummy, it posts immediately to Twitter. And so it looked like I was starting to go-fund me for my birthday. And Joe just called. Oh, no, I wanted a grill. I wanted a Lynx grill. I wanted a Lynx grill. And so that's what I wanted.

So I was like, just, I want the grill. This isn't the GoFundMe. I want the grill. So don't fucking give me a present. Give me money and I'll buy my links grill. Right. And fucking, I posted to the second and posted, Joe goes, what the fuck are you doing? The grill will be there tomorrow.

Take this down. It's embarrassing. And I go, the fuck you're talking about. And he goes, the GoFund me. I go, how did you get it? And he goes, you posted it to fucking Twitter. He goes, your fans are like, what the fuck, Bert? You can't buy a grill?

And Joe's like, Joe's like, I'm embarrassed for you. I will send you a grill tomorrow. I couldn't even explain it. I go, it was supposed to be about my friends and my family. But there should be a birthday thing. But yeah, a birthday fund me? A birthday fund me. We're like you set up a birthday fund me

and then you're, and you can send it to your friends and family and go, hey, I want to get something that I want. If you invented that too, it would take away all the fucking, when you get a gift you don't want. And you're just like, oh, thanks. I bet it would cut down on waste.

It would. How many presents do you have in your house that you go? You're going green at this point. Yeah. It's outstanding. But it kind of cuts down on creativity, though. That is true. You know what I mean?

Because there's something like a gift you don't even know you want. You guys buy each other, birthday gifts? So we heard about what you guys do, and we look, he talked about doing it. I kind of want to. You should do it. You should do it. You should start it. I should start it.

I haven't up with those ones. No, you should. You should. In far as gifts, I've given some rad gifts to you. Yeah, yeah, some unique shit. You enjoy, like, that's what I was going to say, too, the creativity part. Like, I would think of something, but it wouldn't be a, in the realm of like what Charles done for me, what you've done for me, like what people have done

to where I would know, hey, start this birthday fund me type of thing. No, no, no. You can, you should, I think all friends should do what Tom and I did because it is so much fun. It's so much fun. What's your cap? What's your number cap? That's what's crazy. It gets a little dicey.

When we were talking six figures, like, I'm, you know. I spent $100,000 on his birthday this year. Did you? Yeah. Yeah. Race car. A race car. I bought him a race car.

A race car. I bought him a race car, four tires, two flame retardant suits, helmets, a trailer to put his car in, and then I wrap the car. But now the next time your birthday, you get to buy something that's a minimum of the price. A ranch house in Montana is what I've asked for. Or like a ranch in Montana. That's going to be exponentially higher than $100,000.

I know. But then you got to re-up that. There's no way to get. But I know that I got a ranch house. And then I know that I want to re-up. Like I knew when I knew when I bought him a jet. He bought me a e-bike. It was great.

$4,000. And I was like, wow, that's a lot to spend on a friend. And then I knew if I spend $15 grand on him, I'm at least getting $30 grand. I spent $15 grand on him. I got $75 grand back. So it's not even like a for a friend thing. This has now become a selfish thing. Yeah, yeah.

Like if I get this, I know I'm going to get that. If I give him this. And so when I bought him a race car, my wife was livid, livid. Now what does your wife think about this? This is like, hey, when are you going to spend $100 grand on me? It's caused a lot of fights. Because my 50th, I'm turning 50 this year. And Tom said, I'm going to blow it out of the water for your 50th.

And my wife's like, hold on, I'm his wife. Like, why don't we do it as a team? And I was like, stop, you're ruining it. Let Tom do it. And then you get me a shirt or a wallet or whatever the fuck. Yeah. Glasses, whatever the fuck you were going to get me. Remember the watch?

Yeah, that was tough. We had a situation like that that happened at Will's wedding. Do you want to tell the story on the podcast? Yeah. Okay, yeah. So for Will's wedding and for a long time, like I've had watches or whatever, and Rolexes were kind of like the main thing. Like, when you get in the NFL, you find the money, you're like,

what do you... Takes me to the jeweler, and I get to watch him buy everything he wants for himself, and I just kind of sit there. I don't... You want to come with me? You want to come with me? I go there. Look the way I'm dressed. I don't buy the most outlandish shit, by any means. But I do have a few watches, and Will was getting married, and I was like, man, what should I get Will? And

some of it was a lack of imagination. The other one was, like, I knew Will was always wanted, like, a watch. We went with our buddy, Mike Campanero, and he got a watch, and he was feeling it, And then, you know, I bought a watch around him, and he was kind of feeling it, too. So I was like, I'm going to get Willa watch. Well, what kind? Rolls.

It was a Rolex. Not the Flex, but the Flex is a Rural. A day-day. Oyster perpetual day-day. It was stainless steel. It's a beautiful watch. It's a beautiful watch. It's, it's really nice.

Anyway, I get this watch. 8 grand? 7500. Okay. Get a deal. Look at this. This is a getting those watch game? That was outstanding.

That was really good. Yeah, that is. Those watches, you can go, like, white gold, $75,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I tell people. Like that. Oh, your watch looks nothing like white gold.

But I tell people it's about 70 grand. I love that. By the way, it's all over, by the way. On the sky dweller, you can get away with that. Go up one.

One of the one. This is literally the watch. I think it might have a different face. That literally might be it. Yeah. So I get this watch and I'm like so stoked to give it to Will. Fired up. Fired up about it.

And we cruise over to Montana. We get off the highway right on to the hotel. And we have like the friends and family Friday night thing right before they get married on Saturday. I'm like, I asked my wife, I'm like, Taylin, do you think I should give this to Will as a time? And she's like, yeah, like, right now it's perfect. That way he can wear it, feel good about it. He's feeling himself doing the thing.

So I call Will up. And it's like the way this, where we're staying at, it's like this beautiful backdrop. Oh, there's like two layers. Out of Montana. Two layers to this like hotel. And we're on this top floor and Will is like kind of over to the left and the bottom floor. So he walks up and I like, hey, I didn't really wrap it, but

this is like your wedding gift. I wanted you to have it so you can wear it right now. Opens it up. lights, his fucking, there's a sparkle in his eye. He's excited. You might see a little bit of a wealth of a teak. Gives me a big fucking hug. He's that, no, I didn't cry. Give him a big hug. I'm stoked. I'm like, man, I'm a great

friend thing. You know when you do a great friend thing? And you're like, just filled. I'm like, God, I'm a great fucking friend. It was a great moment for us. It was a huge moment for us. Huge moment for us. The bachelor party. Yeah, I missed the bachelor party. The boys came out a couple days early. So I dipped on his bachelor party. I was on a bad friend's streak. I really was.

And so Will goes down to show his wife. And I'll go, I'll let you take the rest of this part. So I have this watch on, and I'm like, I'm fired up. Taylor and I, we have a moment. We hug. And I'm like, oh, I appreciate that, bro. And he's like, it's your first Rolex.

I'm like, fuck yeah, it is. I'm like, let's fucking go. Because I'll never, like give myself a roll. We did it. I know, like, we fucking did it. Like, getting married. Like, the long game, I got me a roll. Yeah, yeah.

And so I go downstairs and Charles getting ready for our, what's the dinner before? Reception thing, yeah. The reception or whatever. She's getting dressed up and stuff. go, babe, I go, hey, check this out. Look what Taylor got me. And she looks down at it. And, bro, she looks down at that watch.

And she's like, is that a Rolex? And I was like, yeah, isn't that fucking awesome? And she starts getting welted in her eyes, just for her makeup on itself. And she was. But you go, you go, you know, babe, what's wrong? Is that dope? Go, yeah, babe, what's wrong? She's like, she looked up at me with tears and eyes.

And she goes, I got you a fucking Rolex. Of course he would get you a Rolex. Like, I wanted to get you your first Rolex. Of course, Taylor would get a Rolex before I get a Rolex. I love this more than anything in the world. And he got you a better one. Your words, your words. She goes, yeah, and he got you a way better one than me.

And then storms off. And I'm like, baby, we don't even know what yours looks like. Like, you know I like gold more and silver. Like, he just got me a silver one. And, like, I'm kind of falling her around like a puppy because I'm feeling shitty. But at the same time, I'm like, man, I'm just catching straight bullets right now. You're like, I don't get a lot. Why are that too?

She ends up, I'm like, let's see you're like. She gets me this vintage Rolex. Fucking awesome, by the way. It is fire. Like a smaller one, leather band, brown. Like, it was amazing. Yeah. And Charle, like, for her, you know, she doesn't have the bank account like Taylor.

But she's like, I just worked extremely, you know. Like the top of a bank account. Well, come on, man. So we got to put all the facts out there. Yeah. But she's like, she worked extremely hard to, like, find this Rolex and do all this stuff to give me my first Rolex. And she's like, I wanted to see the look on your face when you had your first Rolex.

And I said, it was. It was a beautiful look. I'm wanting to... It was like a screensaver. I wish I could... I could look at it right now. I could see Will's eyes glistening. Dude, I could see the tears rolling down his face.

And then I'll put you inside. I'll tell you what he did. It was great. You've been there. And I'm trying to tell her like how awesome hers is, but you just feel like you're overcompensating now. Yeah. And it's just all fucked out.

We're about to go out to the reception. Speeches are going to happen, and she just cries. She put on her makeup. So I'm getting ready. I'm wanting to text Taylor. Like, I'm like, she's like, she's like, she was.

texting. I'm like, you know, I'm kind of like, leaning like, hey, what are you saying? Because I'm just thinking like, fuck, dude, she's so like, just like mad, sad, like everything. She's all the bad ones. Yeah, she's all the bad. Yeah. And like, and my thing, like, hey, boy, hey, code fucking red. It's coming. It's coming. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm sitting there on cloud goddamn nine, dude. I'm floating. Like, Anchorman, Will Ferrell and the girl after they go to pleasure town. I'm just feeling myself, dude. And I have a thing about weddings.

Like, I love being the center of attention. I love like going into a room, making people laugh, having a good time. Like, let's just, talk and kind of being like loud. But when I go to weddings, to me, it's the exact opposite. Like, this is not your time, Taylor. I consciously tell myself, like, hey, it's not about you today. So don't make it about yourself. I should say in the background.

Right? Stay in the background and enjoy it. He did stay in the background. He went viral on a video at the wedding. Well, you said you should do it. I'm just fine. No, I'm fucking with you. I'm fucking.

But it was a nice little bit. And I'm sitting there, I'm like, just kind of smiling myself. Kind of like looking at the window at the backdrop. I'm like, just a great friend, dude. And I get a, I get a, I get a, I got her. which is like my text noise, like a little clown noise, and I fucking open it up.

And that thing could have, from here to the floor, could have, all of Charo's words. That's me, that's me at Will's wedding. Are you serious? Yeah.

Passed out. I don't even know how I got in there. Yeah. Like a beaver? Charles, Charles hits me with all the things, all of her emotions. And too, like,

for her, it was, it was, I understand why she was upset. And she handled herself well because I know what she wanted to say was go fuck yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But instead she said that in 6,000 words. Yeah.

And it was nice enough, but it also got the point across. Yeah. And so I'm going from feeling amazing to feeling like a fucking piece of shit human being. And I'm super curious what she even said because I couldn't see it. Yeah, it was long. And I go there and I see her and she's, Charles has this look in her eyes when she's frustrated with you. I've gotten it so many times.

And it's like, hi, Taylor. It's like a fucking, I tell her. I'm like, hey, and I go up so I say, hey, I know this is not the time to talk about it. but I just want to say I'm so sorry. And that you look beautiful today. You really look so amazing. I'm going to go lay down on the river. I go, I'll go over here now.

I'll go lay down the river. Is there a river over there? I'll be right back. Oh, bro. It was so bad. The only like. Sweating again. That's fucking awesome.

That's a great story. Beginning, middle to end, great story. I love that. I fucking love that. Bro, there's so much history with that too. Not like so much, but there was a Christmas, there was a Christmas time where she got me like a Gucci necklace and it was like silver. And Taylor it got me.

It broke. I lost it or something, right? I don't know. Yeah, we got new ones. Something like this. And Taylor gets a lot of Christmas. So kind of worn an upser. And I wear the gold one all the time.

Oh, side note too. I've never seen Will where the Rolex I got them ever. I have not seen it. I haven't seen it on you. And the only reason is that gold one all the time. And it looks great. It does look great. But in my defense, it's because I got the gold.

Like, I don't like doing the silver ring. But you're not trying to park me. I ain't worried about it. Like, you don't want to wear the one. You know why it hasn't been normal. You're trying to park to all? I get it. I get it.

No, no, there's none of that going on. It's not in front of it. I love it. I love it. There's none of that going on. It just goes a lot more of my fits. Now, I will flex with the big dog here soon, but to me I need to get a silver,

I need to get something that matches it with the ring. It's a wedding ring, bro. With that? Yeah, there you go. I got the gold necklace. Get him a silver wedding ring. So it just goes better with, like, the fits, usually. That's so funny.

Yeah. She gets me this Gucci necklace and it's got a wolf on the end. I love wool. I love wolves, the concept, all the shit that I do about being fucking wolf. But anyway, the wolfhead would always hit me in the tooth when I'm working out. Yeah. So, and I did like the gold necklace more. But that's why I didn't switch.

I was going to switch that. I couldn't switch back. So I would mainly wear the gold one. And she knew, she got it. But would also, like, kind of jab me like, I see you don't, you're not really wearing the wolf necklace I got you. And I'm, oh, baby, you know, I just haven't switched it. Like, I got to take it off.

That one hits me in the mouth. Like, I'm playing football. And I just, it gets caught. my beard too and that fucking hurts. Yeah. And so then when the watch thing happened, I was just thinking, fuck, man. Taylor's trying to be super nice. And my man, he fucked that one up.

On hands, dude. I mean, you didn't fuck it up. And I'm sitting there like I'm at the reception trying to tell a couple of my boys about it. And I'm like, dude, what the fuck are you whining about? You got two Rolexes. Yeah. Yeah. You got a soft story.

Oh, you were telling people? I think I told like two people. Damn, dude. Well, speaking of you, you had a nice little time piece over there, too. So we were on, we were in Vegas. and I go to this Rolex store. You? What's that?

He said, man, you got two Rolexes. Why are you bitching? I was like, I guess I don't know, man. I just feel terrible that my wife is so sad. So I was in Vegas, and I wanted to get a Rolex on this tour to kind of like commemorate to, like to have it for the tour. So they go, oh, this is the watch I got when I was doing that tour. So I'm in Vegas and I go to this Rolex store and they don't have any product.

They're like, no, we got nothing. And I was like, okay. And then she's like, what are you doing? So weird that Rolex does that. I have one in Green Hills is the same thing. You walk in there and they're like, yeah, it's on display, but we don't have it. Yeah. It's very odd.

So I go, I go, okay. I go, well, all right. Well, then I'm leaving. And she's like, what are you doing here? So I'm doing the Virgin Hotel. She goes, what? I said, I'm a comedian. She goes, you know, Dave?

I said, Atel. She was Chappelle? I said, well, no, I kind of. I go my buddies are all friends with them. Turns out, this is the story. I guess Dave gets all his Rolex is from. And she knows Jeff Ross and Rogan, and they've all been to this.

store. So she goes, okay, all right. She was bringing out the Submariner, Black Submariner. And she was, this is the watch you want. And I went, I thought you didn't have any product. She goes, I got you. She brings it out. And that's wild. And I'm like, oh, wow, I like that watch. She goes, this is the one you want, you can buy it. You should buy it. And I went, okay. I was like, uh, I was like, 10 grand. I was like, I don't, like, I, I have a hard time spending money on myself. I don't have a part time spending money on other people. I enjoy that. but on myself, I can't do it. So I take a picture.

I send it to my dad and to Tom and to my wife and to my business manager too. But I go, my wife says, you get it, which my wife would never say. And I was like, my business manager is like, you can't really afford it. My dad's like, it's beautiful. And then Tom sends me a text. He goes, hey, man, treat yourself. You never treat yourself. You're the hardest working guy in comedy that I know.

He's like, you're out every fucking week. You're flying to Austin to do two bears. you're doing a movie, you're doing a TV, he goes, you literally deserve this watch. He said, think of what your ticket sales are. Think of where you're at in your career. You, more than anyone in this business, deserve that watch. And I was like, all right, I go, I come back to the store, I go, I'll take it.

I was like, he's got a cool text for my buddy. I do deserve it. I was like, fuck it, I'll take it. So I buy it. Next day, I call Tommy, and I go, he goes, hey, did you get the watch? I said, I did. I said that text was fucking really really meant something to me.

Thank you. He said, yeah. So what are you doing? He goes, I'm at the Rolex store. So why? And he goes, well, I was writing that text to you. And I go, the same applies for me. I need a Rolex too.

But he rolls different. No, no. Okay. Tom, I mean, I'm not to like bow his spot, but Tom doesn't, like, I wish I had it. I don't, first of all he makes a tremendous about money.

But he does. I don't have a problem spending money. Like he doesn't have a problem. Really? Like, he told a very touching story about his dad. His dad recently passed. And his dad wanted a SUV, like a SUV, but he knew his dad's finances and he was going to buy a used one.

And Tom went, found out which when he wanted, reached out to the dealership, bought him the brand new one, and then said, when he gets there, FaceTime me in the new one. And so it's Tom's story to tell, but we just told him two bears. It was very touching. So his dad's like in the thing And he was like Tom's like is that the one you want dad And he goes well yeah

I'm gonna get this but use I can't afford this one And he goes why not He goes well it's too much But this is I mean this is the fucking car Tommy You gotta see this car And Tom goes well it's yours And I'm gonna cry telling the story

You're in a safe space Oh yeah but but it's like That's the way Tom You know he told me the story on two bears I get emotional hearing it But that's who Tom is It's like he likes to give but he also doesn't mind like buying a brand new Porsche and then sending it to Germany and having it completely outfitted the way he wants it and knowing what he likes he doesn't know he was the first person I ever met that spent like more than a million dollars on a house and I was like shut the fuck up so like he is but he knows his finances real day real well his dad was a business guy and so his dad got him into finances like and so Tom knows money real well so but I when any purchase I make

Any car I make, I always texted to Tommy. I'm like, what do you think? And he's like, you should get it. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Has he ever texted? You've been like, hey, probably a solo role on that one? No.

No, no, no. I don't think so. But I don't spend any money. I don't spend money on, like, fun stuff. Like, private jets for us to go back and forth from Austin. That is something that is super underrated, private jets. It's the best most amazing thing in the world. It's the best experience you'll ever have.

it's so great top to bottom but when you're paying for it when you start it's like fucking without a condom someone said the other day at the beginning you're like oh yeah definitely I'm doing this and then when it goes in you're like

fuck yes this is awesome but once you come that's like you're landing you're like this wasn't worth it I should never do that that makes so much sense what's happened adversity

is it my mic or is it the whole thing oh shit for how long Oh no Try blowing on it Okay wait Hold on this thing's been frozen for 30 minutes Hey my asshole is so tight right now

Oh that's tough Oh if we lose the fucking Rolex story If we lose all of it Hey guys it's us The Jonas Brothers I'm Joe I'm Kevin And I'm Nick and guess what We created our own podcast called

Hey Jonas We invented a podcast Well we didn't invent it We just contributed to it First people to do podcasts. We get to ask other people questions because we're sick and tired of being asked questions. Well, sick and tired is a strong way to put it, but, you know, tired and sick. Tired and sick.

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