Bussin' With The Boys - Bert Kreischer (pt. 2)

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

Recorded: April 22, 2022 | Is part 2 with Bert better than part 1 with Bert? The only way to find out is to subscribe, follow the boys, and listen to it. Intro (0:00) Bert interview starts (4:00) Bert's first time doing comedy (5:43) Writing process of a stand-up routine (21:05) Sending photos of his piece & not being able to do a first kiss (28:00) Kool-Aid & Jennifer Anniston viral moments (34:20) Tier Talk - best fast food burgers (51:40) Berts love for glizzy's (1:12:54) Magic of being a fan (1:20:50) Strategies to sell tickets (1:44:20) ----- SHOP: https://store.barstoolsports.com/collections/bussin-with-the-boys FOLLOW THE BOYS Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bussinwtb Twitter: https://twitter.com/BussinWTB Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BussinWTB Website: https://www.bussinwtb.com ----- SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS: Chevy: Chevy Silverado - The Strongest, Most Advanced Silverado Ever. Georgia Boot: Go to https://barstool.link/GeorgiaBoot and use code BUSSIN for 20% off Duke Cannon: Use code “Bussin” at https://barstool.link/DukeCannonBSS for 15% off your first order.For more, visit barstool.link/bussinwtbSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys, it's us The Jonas Brothers. I'm Joe. I'm Kevin. And I'm Nick. And guess what? We created our own podcast called, Hey Jonas. We invented a podcast?

Well, we didn't invent it. We just contributed to it. We're the first people to do podcasts. We get to ask other people questions because we're sick and tired of being asked questions. Well, sick and tired is a strong way to put it. But, you know, tired and sick. Listen to Hey Jonas on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Just listen.

We don't care where you hear it. Another podcast from some SNL late-night comedy guy, not quite. Unhumor me with Robert Smygel and Friends. Me and hilarious guests from Bob Odenkirk to David Letterman help make you funnier. This week, my guest, SNL's Mikey Day and head writer Streeter Seidel help an a cappella band with their between songs banter. Where does your group perform? We do some retirement homes.

Those people are starving for banter. Listen to humor me with Robert Smigel and Friends on the I-Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Last night, a blown call changed a game. This morning, the internet lost its mind, and nobody's telling you exactly what happened. That's where SportsSlice comes in. I'm Timbo, and every episode, we're cutting through the noise, breaking down the biggest moments in sports and giving you the real story behind the headline.

And we're going straight to the source, the athletes themselves, their locker room stories, their reactions in the moment, and the stuff nobody gets to hear. Listen to SportsClace on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you you get your podcast. And for more, follow Timbo Slica Life 12 in the TikTok podcast network on TikTok. Oh, we're rolling back. Okay, so here's the deal. It is Monday right now to me, to you, it's Thursday. The reason why is your boy steps in here Monday at 1.30. The boys in the back set up, they do all the technical stuff, do a little Rayman type shit, little Napster type shit, Italian job type shit. I come in, I say, hey, welcome to Bustin with the boys. The greatest podcast of all time,

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Silverado. It's strong. It's advanced. It's dependable. Listen, I hope you guys enjoyed Tuesday. And I hope to God, when Tuesday hit, you guys thought, damn, I can't wait for 48 hours when this thing drops again. And I hope you guys all came back and I hope you called a couple friends.

Said, hey, buddy, looks like penises, but it's also just the phones. Hey, buddy, I need you go look at Bustrault with the boys. And you subscribe and you unsubscribe and need you resubscribe. Why? Because I'm a tier one motherfucker. And that's how we do shit around here, all right? King Kong ain't got shit on me type shit. You know what I'm saying?

Denzo Washington. Let's jump right into the episode. I don't want to do this bullshit. Hey, we're back and forth. We're having a great time. The boys love you. I love you. We love you.

Will's not here because it's still Monday from when we did the first intro for the Tuesday, but now it's Thursday. There's no more intro anymore. Will's still gone because he's sick. He's in bed. He's got the thermometer under his tongue. Same bit as last time. Jump in.

Burke Kreischer, Part 2. Please, God, enjoy it. I know you will. Ladies gentlemen, when you break up the second part of the greatest podcast of all time, bustling with the boys with Burke Kreisher, to let you know two things. One, same old song and dance,

ladies gentlemen, I need you to subscribe, unsubscribe, resubscribe to, bless them with the boys. If you do that, the boys get paid. When the boys get paid,

we do more stuff. We do more stuff. That's more content for you guys to absorb. It's people helping people that's powerful stuff. That's stuff we can do. Another thing that's going to help you in life and making yourself feel a little bit better

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Did you get my question or no? Hey, a lot of adversity on the bus so far, boys. A lot of adversity. What's that? A little pivot. A little pivot. Boss looked at us said we lost 30 minutes, but we actually didn't lose any minutes.

A little panic. It's like when you're pregnant and then she goes, I haven't felt it kick in a while and you're like, what? Yeah. And that's why I couldn't have a baby inside me. because I would be so nervous that it stopped kicking and then she goes, oh, there it goes. And you're like, when you're in high school,

and your girl's like, oh, I'm late. Oh, I've never had that. Oh, for real? I never had a scare. So you think about wearing condoms, like, I didn't wear a whole lot. No, I didn't wear a condom one time. A girl was on birth control.

Like, it's like, free game. Those were fucking, those were unicorns in college. Wait, I didn't. We're talking high school. Oh, Missouri. See, for me, for me, I wore a condom the first time, like the second time and like the third time and then by like the fourth time

it was the same girl and she was like go ahead rip it off and to me it was like this is actual sex like there's the greatest thing a condom is like yeah a condom is just a wasteland it's nothing I'd rather not have sex yeah if I'd shoot at my wife I'm definitely not wearing a condom

like she should know that and he goes about yeah yeah yeah but we were on the bus we were talking about close calls we were in Tallahassee and I was I was I looked at a place where a girl told me she thought she was pregnant I looked at And I was like, yeah, man, that was a close call. And we're like, did anyone ever have a close call? And our cameraman, John Mann's goes, I had a close call once.

We're like, really? He's like, yeah, luckily she took care of it. And we're like, that's not a close call. That's an abortion. Holy shit, kid. Comedy. Oh, yeah. When did you start doing comedy?

First time I did comedy, it was 1997 in Tallahassee at Pop Bellies. Now, I played baseball with a guy named. A sandwich place. You know what? I don't even think it's just, I guess it is. I guess it's just part of the chain now. But I play a baseball guy named Brad Radke. My whole life, he ended up playing for the twins.

Amazing baseball player, amazing pitcher. My whole life growing up, I would get in the car with my dad and go, how come everyone says he'll definitely go pro, but no one says that about me. And my dad's like, buddy, he just does it differently. Like there's something effortless when Brad plays that you don't question if it's going to be great. You just wonder how great it's going to get.

And he was like, Damn. Brad could, Brad would come out to baseball practice. He'd play basketball also. He'd come out in high tops and his basketball outfit to just take BP. And he was a pitcher and he'd hit 12 home runs. Just hit 12 home runs effortlessly. And when he pitched, there was so much movement on his ball that he didn't even know why.

It's the way he was built different. My dad goes, buddy, the goal in your life should be to find the thing that's Brad Radke's baseball. Like, find the thing that you love, that it's effortless, and that you go, oh, I think I'm pretty good at this. And when I first did stand up, I called my dad and when I got back to my apartment. And I said, I think I found my Brad Radkech baseball. You actually said that same term. Well, it was, it was just something that we talked about because it bothered me that, I thought I'd go pro in baseball. I mean, I got recruited to play by Duke and the Citadel, but I thought I would, I thought I'd end up playing professional baseball. And it just didn't, like it, it didn't manifest. I

have whatever the long strand DNA is that fucking makes the make gives you explosivity just didn't have it and but when I did standup I went on stage for the first time in pop bellies I did four comics went ahead of me they used to 20 minutes I did 30 minutes and I didn't it didn't even try I mean it just like came out and I could think very quickly the second I got on stage I could think quicker than everyone else and I could talk very quickly and I could I could manage a story in my head and I could write on stage and it was amazing and then The next time I went on stage, it was even better. And it was in New York and I destroyed.

I mean, me and Dimitri Martin with the two people that night that killed on stage. And then I was like, yeah, this is my thing. I mean, I really loved it. I mean, it connected with everything about me. The things that people got bothered with me about that were like, Jesus Christ, for dinner, the guy won't shut up. He keeps telling stories. Well, you get on stage.

And it's like, oh, tell more stories. And I was like, oh, I'm not annoying anymore. Yeah. Oh, and so, and, you know, you could, you could punch up a story and you didn't have that dick at the lunch table going, that didn't happen. Like, hey, fuck off. I'm just trying to make you laugh, asshole. Yeah. You know, and so it was just, it connected with everything I loved and I really loved.

I really figured out who I was those first two times on stage, and then New York fucked me up and I tried to be a joke writer and I tried to be altie and I tried to be something else. and then it wasn't really like, like, I don't know, ironic or like clever. Yeah. Clever with your comedy where it's like, where you go, oh, yeah, that math does work out, you know? Like, it's hard to explain it. It was big then.

It's not very big right now. But it's like Janine Grofflow is an alt comic, the state, Pat and Oswald technically, although I think he's, I never, you know, he's fucking hilarious. But, and then when I started doing it, podcast, I started really finding my voice of a comic where I was like, oh yeah, story

telling. I like storytelling. It's like when you tell the story about the Rolex. Yeah. And for me, I I love a good story. I love it. I love the... I have to tell that in our live show. It's a great story. It's a great story. Here's how, can I tell you...

Make sure she sits in the back. It's like it's here. What? No, here's... Can I tell... You can tell whatever you want. You say whatever you want. No, so I, at one point, I wanted to do a podcast called let me tell you your story, because people can tell stories that suck stories, they have good stories.

But I can always see the punch up in the story. So like the punch up in your story, the thing that makes your story amazing is you start this story is, you need to start your story with, I'm usually want to be the life of the party, but when it comes to weddings, I like to take a back seat. Yeah.

I love to take a back seat. I just like to sit back because I know it's not my day, but he's my best friend. So I want to get him something special. I get him. And then you own to the Rolex story, right? Right. Then you go into this.

But then your story ends with you in the river. Yeah. And you go, so like you start trying to be noble. This is the journey of everyone in the Bible. You try to be noble. You try to be great. Temptation comes your way. It's not your fault.

God damn it, I was just being a friend. You're on the hook. I'm taking bullets everywhere. I got two watches on. I look over. He's in the fucking river like a beaver passed out. Picture comes up. boom thank you good night that's a live show story

that bitch you just juice me out juice me up over there two watches I look over I told uh there's a guy I'm gonna tell this I tell him I tell him he he we've talked about I think I don't know if we've talked about it totally so Brennan Schaubb had a great great fucking story he's a good storyteller well he had a great story about fighting uh Kyle uh fighting the guy for the championship right J-P you know that name?

It's the big Hawaiian. Travis Brown. Travis Brown. So he goes, hey man, I'm doing the story. Ari hit me up. He's like, he's telling the story on a storytelling show. Can you help him tell the story? And I was like, yeah, yeah, it's easy to, it's easy, very easy when you hear someone's story to find the peaks, the arcs, the where it needs to land. So he came to my house and he told me the story.

He was an hour long. I've recorded all of it. I recorded all of it. And then I said, it's a great fucking. the story is fighting for the championship in the UFC. How does it not a great story? It's just long. And what he found important in the story were things that I didn't find important.

He wanted to tell you how hard he was training for the fight, which I don't really give a fuck. I'm sure you are. He wanted to tell you the things that he didn't find important, I found really important. Like the walk out, like the walk in versus the walk out. Like I found that fucking fascinating of like, you're the greatest and then you're walking out, you're a fucking bum, you know, like I found that fascinating.

So I get done and I go, okay, can I just tell you your story? And he was like, yeah. So I told him a story back to him in 10 minutes and the look on his face was like, and then what happened? And it was like so much fucking fun. But you can do that.

My cameraman John Mann's has the greatest stories ever, the guy about the close call, but he can't tell a story to save his life. One time he was shooting for National geographic and they're shooting the 10 most deadly snakes. So they take them out in the middle of the desert to film them, right? They want to film them in their natural habitat. And so the first one they're going to

do is a spitting cobra. They have nine other snakes. They're going to do a spitting cobra first. So they're like, every girl, the camera set up. They're in the middle of desert. The jeeps over there. They're all right, is everyone ready? And they're like, yep. And they're like, all right, everyone's got eye protection. Everyone's ready. And they're like, yeah. So they let it go and it fucking takes off and it climbs up in the

rigging of the Jeep. And they're like, okay. They're like, well, does anyone want to look up and see if they can see the snake? And they're like, it's a spitting cobra. No. And they're like, what do we do? And they're like, let's just wait it out. So they're like, okay. So they just sit around the Jeep waiting for a cobra to leave. And it doesn't. It doesn't. And the sun starts setting. And they're like, all right, everyone in the Jeep, we got to leave. So everyone gets in a Jeep with a spitting cobra in the udder rigging. And they drive four hours bouncing around the desert.

Any movement, they're like, motherfucker. Yeah. They get to their camp where it's all open-air tents and they park the Jeep and they're like, everyone go to bed and they're like, is the cobra still in the fucking Jeep? And they're like, I don't know. But he tells this story and it's so boring. It's so boring because he tells you the stuff you don't care. We're shooting on the camera, the Canon X-Ls. These cameras, know these cameras? And you're like, get the fucking camera out of the story. My wife, my wife can't tell a story to save her fucking life. Really? It looks like she ripped three pages out of Moby Dick and just. starts there. There was a whale. You're like, wait, what the fuck you're talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how did you become so well-versed and telling stories?

I think going to an All Boys Catholic High School started it. And then I think a lot of telling the machine and figuring out how to tell the machine. And then within telling the machine, getting ready for a special, I started realizing the number one thing a story needs is an end. Like, people have to know it's over. Right. And if you don't have an end to a story, it's, you know. It doesn't work.

And that was with the machine, the end was initially. So I understand you're the machine. Tonight you party with us. That's what I thought the end was. But it wasn't because the audience tells you what the end is. They'll tell you by applause. Right. So I go, so tonight you party with us.

And then everyone was sitting on the thing. They're like, did you party with them? And then I'd keep talking. Yeah, we ended up going to strip club. And then they're like, and then what happened? And you're like, well, I'm done. And then it wasn't until, It wasn't until one night I

randomly had this chunk where this teacher comes in, sticks her head and goes, this is over, you're done. You're coming with us. And I focused on the wrong thing. I focused on the fact that she was Puerto Rican and this guy was Russian. That was what I was fascinating to me. He spitz vodka in her eyes. Shuts the door in her face.

And then we robbed the train. But in one night I was drunk. It's always good to get drunk or high on stage every now and then. And he shuts the door in her face and he goes, he goes, no one talks to the machine like that. Shost the door in her face. Then he turns around to me and that randomly I said and he goes, fuck that bitch.

This is Russia. As soon as I said that I went, that's the end of the story. That's the end of the story. The cop says it too. If the cop says it too, that's the end of the story and then they know it's over. So then that night, I was so excited. It's the greatest feeling in the world. It's got to be what it feels like to pick up a fumble and see nothing but open field.

To know that you have an end to a story and you have the story. And I get to the end. he says, so I understand you in the machine, tonight you party with us, and now I'm feeling it. And I'm like, I'm like, wait, I'm not in trouble. And he's like, of course not. Do you like strip clubs? I was like, fuck yeah, I like strip clubs.

I go, wait, I'm not in trouble. And he leans into me real close, so close. And I love small details. I do remember I could smell his morning cigarette. And he goes so close, I can smell his morning cigarette. And he goes, no, fuck that beach. This is Rasha. And the place goes fucking nuts.

And I go, I got my end. I got my fucking end. And that is the greatest feeling when you know you have an end to a story. When in doubt, spread them out. Like, it's so fun that it's like, it's the thing that drives me to write is that you get a story. Like right now I have this great story about going to an escape room with my family. True story. But I don't have an end to it because I don't remember it.

I don't really remember it. Yeah. Like I didn't, I was never telling it. And then my daughter called one night on stage and I answered it. She goes, are you telling the escape room story? And I was like, no, should I? She was like, it was hilarious. Dad, Papa threw Nana into a wall.

And I was like, oh, she's. She goes, do you remember you farted in the crawl space? I was like, no, I don't. She goes, Dad, the only reason we went is to watch you and Papa melt down. And I went, for real? She was like, Dad, you've got to tell it. So I tell it with her on the phone, and she's punching it up. She was there.

She remembers it. And I'm like, fuck. This is on stage. This is on stage. It's a fucking theater. It's 3,000 people. And I'm like, she's on the phone, FaceTime, Georgia. I'm telling it.

She's punching it up, telling me what happened. Do you remember, dad, it was fucking the house was painted black? Because it was an escape room. but they're normally in malls. This was in a dude's house. And it was painted black. And he was in character. He's like, have you seen mother?

And my dad's like, fuck this. And so I started out, but I don't have an end of the story because I really don't remember the story. I mean, I know I was there, but I was having a panic attack the whole time. And so I don't remember much of it. Like, I remember Leahy. I was having a panic attack the whole time?

I was having a panic because I don't like, I can't be in confined spaces. Like, if you lock a door on me, I start going like, what's going on here, you know? And so like I can't scuba dive because I feel like I have to be down there for that period of time. Yeah. I don't know, whatever it is.

I had a panic attack. I thought it was going to shit my pants the whole time. And so I don't have an end of the story yet. And once I find that end, once I find that end, then the middle stuff gets great. Because right now you're just kind of like doing this and a story like, this works. You know, like you're scrambling. And then once you get that end, then you can really work that. I had this great story about winning a raffle.

It's a great story. True story. Great story. great story that I told on the podcast a couple times, but I didn't have an end to it. Like I just won all the prizes. It was the story. But I just overbought.

I put in $660 bucks. There were $40 in the pot. I won all the prizes. Yeah. I didn't win one prize. And my wife won it. And that's the end of the story. And once I got the end of the story, then I was like,

oh, I can, now I can let the middle part breathe because if you don't have an end, you're panicking throughout the story going, how does this end? How does this end? Once you know you have the end, you can take as much time as you want in the middle and make it great.

The end of your story is you in the fucking river. The end in the story is, you told me a story where you said, I don't, I like to be the center of attention, but I don't like to do that at weddings. I remind myself. Right. There's such a noble cause.

And then you show me a picture of you sleep in a river. Yeah. And I go, wait, tell me how we got there. And you didn't, you told me kind of. Yeah. It started with, I just wanted to do the, I think. And then the fucking text you get,

I mean, there's so much meat to that story that if I had that story, I'd be like, oh, fucking off to the racing. You can have it. You can help us write it. He's got to do five minutes at Zanis day after tomorrow. Oh, it's five minutes. You can't want to tell one story in five minutes.

Do you know what jokes? Do you know what jokes you want to tell? New dad jokes. Okay. Dude, running by me. I'll help you punch them up. I don't want to do it right. I actually would love to hear that.

No, no. That is why. That is why I don't want to aim my boys now. We're not going to say nothing. Okay. I would talk. with bird and private. That's crazy.

Boy, you're going to have to go and see. I'm going to be there. That's what I'm saying. I know you are. But I'm going to laugh super hard no matter what. I know, but you can't hear my material before that. You have a joke about being defensive, be playing defense your whole life.

And so your natural instinct when you see something holding it is to try to swat it and get it out of their hands. And so it's been pretty problematic with your wife carrying the baby around the house. No. It's a good joke. That's a good joke.

If you do the real terminology of whatever... We've been doing drills. Yeah. I've been doing drills. doing drills to get that fucking. You don't swat. You stab. You stab.

That's the way to get through. If you stab, you're much more likely to get that ball out. You got to get it out of that brown blanket. I got, I got, what is it, what is it called when you have PTSD or we? I can't, can't wrap the baby in a brown blanket. I see it. You have a flashback. I'm having a flashback.

Yeah. That's a good one. I don't want to talk about. That's crazy, dude. When you, when you start to do writing, so is that what you do is, is your whole stand-up stories? And you tell, or do you kind of hit some punches here? I have, I have, so what I do is I write, I write very broadly. I write everything.

I write everything. Little jokes. Big jokes. I have some tent poles where I go, escape room's been something that I've wanted to do, but I couldn't do. And then it wasn't until Georgia brought it up that I thought I could do it. But I have some tent poles of like bigger stories. And then I have little stuff that I write. Like, I was at a soccer game with Tom and I wrote a joke.

I were sitting having a beer with all these Austin friends. And I said, I always says soccer is a lot like strip clubs. And he's like, how so? I go, you can't use your hands. No one scores. And it's better when they don't speak English.

And he was like, it's a good joke. And I went, cool. And then I go, I'll put that somewhere. And so now my goal is to do the hour. You form the hour. No, you want to structure it so you're not repeating yourself, but you want to have a lot of little jokes that you can sprinkle in.

And then sometimes you'll tell a joke you didn't even know. Like the night I went for a jog and they just started laughing. And I went, oh, that's right. You don't think I jog. Yeah. Of course, yeah. And then I was in Baltimore and I was like, I went for a jog here today. It's amazing.

This city, if you're in the wrong neighborhood, a jog really quick turns into a run. And I was like, okay, that works. And then I had this one where I was like, I got, I said, true story. I was running under an underpass in LA. And I saw a homeless woman scratching off a lottery ticket. And I was like, what a fucking waste of time. And then I wondered if she saw me jogging. It was like, what a fucking waste of time.

Right. So, like, you write those, and then you put those within the one story I have about jogging that I want to tell. Yeah. And then you, and like, right now, my, where I'm letting down is jokes for my daughters. Because they've always been a tent pole of my act. I've got a couple good stories with Ila, but I don't have anything, like, standing out for me that's really, like, and there's little things she said because she's growing up. But, like, the other day I was, we were watching a documentary on Gandhi, and I was like, I just, I didn't realize what I said, but I was like, I don't really get. hunger strikes and ila looks at me and goes no shit and i was like i was like i was like that's a good

one and then georgia i just said this to these guys this morning i walked out one morning and i had my reading glasses on and georgia goes hey big guy you still got your reading glasses on i was like oh i must have been bed reading something she goes oh were you reading or you just heard you weren't just looking at instagram i was like oh this fucking kid knows me so well yeah and i meaner jokes like meaner jokes don't work for me um i had a joke about uh i can't use this but uh about cat calling and it I think for some reason

I think my audience doesn't want to see negativity from me Right They don't want to be like Purr, come on Just let's have fun I don't want to fucking argue

Yeah, yeah You're for a fun little time Yeah Yeah And so like Tom can tell a joke About his mom Eating pussy or something Yeah

And everyone's like yeah Or 69ing or his mom Or I don't know what he's I don't know what the joke is Yeah Yeah But people love it You know

And then for me I can do jokes But like I can't be mean about Leanne like I have a joke about I have a joke that's pretty rough on her right now I've got to figure my way out of it I gotta get my way out of it

in order to earn the right to tell it because people love Leanne like if I start saying something they go we love Leanne and I'm always like you don't even fucking know her like I'm married to her let me say what I want to say like but did she get upset with you at all

when you're doing never nothing she told me jokes I'm not allowed to tell oh really yeah like this one yeah I was gonna I was I wasn't But I do want to hear. She does not like this joke. She hates this joke. I wanted to have anal sex with her when we were dating.

And she said, why? And I said, I don't know. Do I need a reason? Yeah. She goes, yeah, I'm not going to do it until you have a reason. And I go, I don't know. Why do we want to get to the moon to beat the Russians there? I want to beat the Russians there.

And she goes, no, I'm not going to do it until you have reason. And then we got married. And I found out when you get married, you accrue your partner's debt. So I went to my wife. And I was like, I think I want to have anal sex now. She's like, why? and I said, for 25 grand, I want to fuck you in the ass. And she was like, I don't like that joke.

I don't like that joke. You're not allowed to tell it. But I've told jokes about her. Like, she farted one time during an orgasm. Yeah. And I was like, and I was like, I forget the joke, but I was like, I was like, you almost shit in my mouth. Like, you got to let me know, fire in the hole. Like, it was a big thing about her farting during an orgasm.

I was going down on her. She farted on my chin. And she was like, at the end, she started crying. And I go, what are you crying about? I'm the one that fucking got shit in his mouth. Yeah. Like, what are you crying about? She goes, you're going to talk about this one stage?

And I was like, oh, you're right, I am. Yeah, you're right. The other night I was, this has been a big one is I've had a number of times where I've eaten hot wings and then fingered her and fucking lit her up. No shit. Yeah. There was one time, one time I said, I said, hey, Siri, how do you get hot sauce out of a pussy? And Siri goes, how do you get a football out of a pussy? And I went, yeah, how do you get a football out of a pussy?

He was like, stop! Oh, the knife! Oh, my God, dude. I think we've all seen that Nerf video on on like Pornhub or something. What Nerf video? The chick like pushes out the Nerf football. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And shoots it up in the air? You can't watch it in college? No, I've never seen that. I've seen one guy, one cup. I've never seen that. I can't see this. Three guys won hammer. I've never seen those.

Oh, really? Three guys won hammer. Oh, it's just three guys killing another man. It's fucking terrible. It's awful. Yeah. There's some weird shit out there when the dude's like beating the fuck out of the chick.

What? Yeah, bro, like slapping the hell out of it. I can't, I can't get into the, I can't get into the. I don't think it's about sexual if you're, I'm not into it either. No, I can't, I can't get like, I'm, because you know the next thing is they're going to take our porn hub searches and post them online. Oh, man. Like, I won't, anything that says stepdaughter daddy, nope. Anything that says, uh, milf, nope, anything that says stepbrother, step sister, nope.

Teenage, nope, nothing like that is in my fucking queue. And if I have clicked on it, I get out of it immediately. I go, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, respectable fat wife wants whatever the fuck she wants. And the husband says, yeah, because missionary. Yeah. In your own hand is all the matters. If they release.

Making love. Right. If they release what people watch, like they, it would be like, I mean, the shame is what counts. It's like when they released the Sony emails, it was the shame that they were like, oh my God, you talked about who like that? And you're like, oh, you can't take that back.

I know you're not allowed to do that, but they just ruined my career. I think we'd all figure out that we're all pretty fucked up in the heavens. No, no, no, no, no. There's righteousness. Like, that's why I don't text shit to people that I don't want everyone to know.

See, okay, here's one thing where I kind of agree with you on. When I was in college when I was dating in general, it was like my mission to get nudies. Because in my head, I had, like, I knew if we ever broke up, I'd have those forever, and those are mine now, and you can't have those back. Like, it was a weird, like, controlling thing. Now with my wife, I don't want any nudity at all on my phone.

Zero. Zero nudity on my phone, except for me. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I got some pictures of my cock. You got some nudity of me. You don't take pictures of your cock? Oh, absolutely.

Oh, yeah. By the way, I do. If I... He's got a photo of my cock on his phone. I do. I sent Shane Gillis. I sent Shane Gillis a picture of my dick. the other day

and he I'll pull it up and he was on a plane Oh no Do you guys know Shane? Yeah he was in the pod A couple days ago

Yeah, he's great I sent Shane a picture of my dick And he And he goes I'm on a plane now And the guy sitting next to me saw I sent peaceful pictures of my dick Like I said

sending pictures of a picture on my dick one time to Seguro, but it was a shadow of my dick, so it looked like it was breaking into a house. Yeah. And the shadow you can't. Yeah, it just had the light, the shadow up against the wall. So it was a shadow like a, a puppy towards the door handle. And it was like, he was like, is that your dick?

And I was like, yeah. No shit. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, what are you taking a picture of your dick now? No, no, I'm trying to show you some, uh, a buddy that reminds me of you. He would always send me these kinds of photos. This is way back in the day. This is 2009. that's i love this guy already yeah let me see that

he would like some random uh photos of him doing that sometimes he'd like tuck and just like pose against the wall ninth grade ninth grade my big fucking move was and we're talking to at huge parties is i could tuck my dick and balls between my leg but not enough and just enough that it looked like an actual vagina like i had i had shaped it dick on one side ball on the other right and pulled them back so it looked like a pussy. And it was, I mean, and there are so many pictures of me in ninth grade just like, and this was my move.

Like, these were like, this was my move up into like senior year of high school. I was like, I think I'm getting old for this guys. Yeah. I think I'm getting old for this guy. And they were, we were girls who were like, do the fucking vagina. And they go, it looks just like it.

And I fucking, the Tomayo twins were like, do it, do it. It looks just like it. Do it. And then I do it. And everyone would be like, shit. It looked identical. And by the way, I'd never seen a pussy at that time. Yeah, you were in the fight then.

Yeah, I was, I was, I thought I'd be slaying pussy. And then the loan I'm making them. Yeah, you put yourself in a little bit of a box when you're showing your own pussy. Yeah, yeah, you become the funny guy that it's hard to kiss. You can't turn it off. And you're like, hey, hey, want to see a pussy? Hey, hey, want to, okay, I'm, I've never been the guy that could kiss. Like, I couldn't.

You can kiss? No, no, I can kiss. You can't give him for the first kiss. I can't lean in for the first kiss. That's a tough deal. Always had a hard time navigating that as well. This is a, this should be a TED talk. Is I would like to know.

I mean, I don't need to know now. But like, I would have signed up for like a $20 online class of like how to lean in for the front. Oh, they've done that. They do that. It's on Hitch, the movie Hitch. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You go 90, they go 10. Yeah. Yeah. Will Smith teaches you and Hitch with Kevin James. Yeah. You go 90, they go 10? Yeah, he haven't seen Hitch? Yeah, I have, but I don't remember it.

It's a big movie. He goes up, he's teaching, what? Kevin James. Kevin James. He's leaning in. I go 90, you go 10. If you're the guy, you're supposed to go 9 and you kind of linger there, wait for them to go 10.

The door at the end of the night after the day. I was so bad at it. I was so bad at it that I would go on a first date and if I, if I, I would be like, all right, I'm not going to go in for the kiss on the first date. If it feels right, I will, never felt right. Second date. Okay, we'll see how it will go. And then by the fourth date, I'm like, all right,

I'm just going to tell her I'm gay. I guess I'll just be her friend. I mean, there are girls. There are girls. My friend. There are girls that I dated that I never kissed. If I dated, I never kissed. And I just was like, and then it gets too awkward.

And then when you do kiss them, their eyes are like this. Like, what are you doing? You're like, I don't know. This is what I wanted to do a week ago. But I didn't try it. That's a bad combo, man. Couldn't kiss or have sex when you're young? Yeah.

You're killing it now, though. Keep you out of the Me Too hashtag. I'll tell you that. Yeah. You mean the gay guy that couldn't kiss me? Yeah, I think we're good. The gay guy that couldn't kiss me? Yeah.

As far as Will Smith goes, your boy, or girl really drew a line in the sand. Love that. That was the whole. Do you a line in the sand with him and Chris Rock? Yeah, yeah, it's a good guy to be a business partner with. The guy that I'm burning it to the fucking ground in Hollywood. I was like, hey, fuckface.

We have a TV, a movie deal set up. Let's maybe not go after everyone. Yeah. He was like, fuck him. That's Tom, though. Dude, he is not. He likes in the world burn. He does not give a.

Fuck. Like, I give a fuck. I give a fuck about a lot of things. Tom genuinely, I do not get it, just does not care. Pro wrestling's fake, and if you like it,

you're retarded. That's Tom Segura. And you know how passionate wrestling fans are. One wrestler goes, hey man, I'll show you how fake it is. And Tom's like, come over here, catch a smoke.

And this guy's like, I'm scary. And Tom goes, you're not real. you're not real. He just doesn't care. He does not care. Oh, my God. The guy, I mean,

it's the beauty of him on a podcast. It's a beauty of him as a person. It's a beauty of him as a comic. I mean, we did a bit when we first started the podcast. He goes, let's say the most horrific things we can think of that taken out of context would ruin our career. Let's see who can outdo each other. That is hilarious.

I can't believe we did. did it. We did it. And now those clips are everywhere. What was the worst one? I'm not doing it again. Yeah, fair enough. It was the worst. Like, I think, personally, I think that kind of gets a bad rap. Like, and it's just like, and the most,

and we just, and we couldn't stop laughing at how fucking bad it was. And then, and then like a year later, we're like, maybe we shouldn't have done that. And you're like, what was that when you guys were doing that? Right when we started two bears. Like the first episode, I think. What'd you guys start two bears? I don't know. It's before the pandemic.

And then we were doing it every other week. And we were like, we'll just have fun with it. And I was doing the Bill Bird at the time. And so it was like Bill Burt one week, two bears another week. And then when the pandemic hit, we were like, we got nothing but time. You want to do it every week? And once we started doing it every week, we had a couple viral moments where like he found out I was drinking a gallon on Kool-Lade every day.

Dude, that was so hilarious. Funny, bro. You know what? It's so funny. I remember doing it. I remember being there. I remember it being funny to us, but I don't remember being as funny as it was to watch.

Because we're at my sister's house one time, and my brother-in-law goes, hey, to my dad, he goes, have you ever seen Bert and Tom's show, put two bears? My dad goes, no, is it any, would I like it? And he goes, let me show you a clip. And he played the Kool-Aid clip. And I was, my daughters were laughing.

My wife was laughing. But me and my daughter's, my wife, they know I drink a gallon of Kool-Lade every day. And so to them it wasn't, They didn't realize how ridiculous it was until Tom said it. And we were crying, laughing. And then the Jennifer Aniston clip went viral of like... Oh, bro, so funny.

Which one was that? Oh, Tom does this. Tom tells a story about going over to Jennifer Anderson's house. And he knows that, like, out of the two of us, out of the two of us, Tom is friends with all the celebrities. He's on the DL. He's, like, pretty cool about it. He doesn't tell you that, like, Brad Pitt's one of his friends, right?

Right. But he knows that I would love to be Brad's Pitt friends. Yeah. I also am not the guy that's going to try to be Brad Pitt's friend. Like, Tom's the guy that's like, hey, tell my agent, Tom to come down to my show. I'd love to meet him. That's why I text him about Aaron Rogers. Right.

Tom's good with that shit. And he knows how to do it. I don't know how to navigate those. But he knows that I would love to meet Jennifer Anderson. I'd love to meet Brad Pitt. I'd love meet all those people. So he says, I told you, I met Jennifer Anderson. I go, hold on.

You know what we were supposed to do this, the theme. And he was like, well, let me tell you the story. And he tells me the fucking story. And it's a lie. and I go, you motherfucker. And he goes, I thought it would piss you off. I said, what if, but let's make rules if we ever meet Jennifer Aniston. And he says, okay, I was like, should we do it?

Should we bring our wives? And he goes, no. Not definitely not. And I go, should we do it at your house? Or I go, should we do it at your house or my house? And he goes, we'll do it. I go, we're not doing it at my house. It's a piece of shit.

We're doing it at her house. I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll do it at her house. And I go, should we bring our wives? And we're like, no. And I go, can she bring it? someone, he goes, yeah, maybe like a guy for safety. And then he stops himself and he goes, maybe that's not the message you want to be sending.

And I could not stop laughing. Because it's the thing, it's the thing that I like about Tom that no one, I don't underthink the other people see. Because when he goes, maybe that's not the message you want to be sending, I could not stop laughing. I could not stop laughing that we would go, bring someone for safety. And we could not stop laughing. And then Jennifer Anderson saw it and fucking hit us up.

Tom texted me, he goes, check your fucking DMs. I go, why? And he goes, just check. your DMs and I go to my DMs and he starts going da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na I'm like what and it's Jennifer Anderson you guys are fucking hilarious this is so great I just saw this and we're like

shut the fuck up he's like January we're fucking like losing our shit yeah but like those two moments went viral and then and then I think you know we've had some good episodes the last episode we did we both ended up crying at the end randomly randomly didn't mean to it was his birthday episode

these next two episodes are fucking bangers because we were in a good place. I just got in stem cells. And like it's, we've been on a run lately of having really good episodes, really good episodes. But, uh, a lot of that had to take it off for you guys, like, during the pandemic with both of your specials coming out.

And then you're going weekly. You go viral a couple times. Yeah, yeah. The both our specials came out during that pandemic. And that was really fucking huge. And we started leaning in, double down on content. And, uh, and then I, I did the, the, the, uh, tour

and the, uh, movie theaters, outdoor movie theaters, drive-ins. And that was big. And I think we both just had big moments. I did the movie. I think all that started coming in and adding up. And I don't know, I love it. I love doing Two Bears.

It's one of my favorite things in the world because, like I said, I mean, I know Tom is a very funny comic and I know that people like him. But the thing I like about him is when we're doing Two Bears. Like the way he makes me laugh, I don't think he does that for everybody. But when he makes me laugh, dude, it's my first. favorite thing in the fucking world. He had an infectious laugh too. I love...

I love laughing. The things he does is like when we're in a car one time and he goes, how many times do you think you burp a day? And I went, I don't know. I don't think I burp very often. He goes, you're wrong. He goes, I've counted 12 in the last 15 minutes.

And I went, for real? He's like, you don't know you're doing this? They smell like shit. I'm like, am I burping? And he goes, are you being serious? He goes, give it a second. And then all of a sudden I burp, I go, God damn, and I'm burping.

He goes, yeah. And like, that's Tom. That, like, there's so many things I fucking, that makes me giggle from that dude. And especially, like the Will Smith tweet. That's Tom. Like when he goes, he calls me, he goes, have you seen my Will Smith tweet? And I saw that one earlier. I go, yeah.

And he goes, no, the new one. I went, Tom. And he goes, it's worse. And then I fucking look at it. And he's crying, laughing. And he goes, read it out loud to me. And then I read it back to him. I mean, he is just.

Why does he hate Will Smith so much? much. He, because I love Will Smith. Oh, yeah? Yeah, because I think he just knows.

I've talked about how much I love Will Smith on two bears. Mr. Ladybug. Oh. Oh, bro.

His sense of humor is so fucking different. It's funny. Like he goes, this is one of my favorite. This is just a quote, a Tom's girl quote that I think of all the time.

He was in, he was doing a show. He can deny that this happened. He's allowed to because I know. It's pretty aggressive, but it's one of my favorite things ever. Shane Torres says it's the favorite thing he's ever.

seen Tom do. Tom's talking to a black dude in the audience. Now, for whatever reason, Tom gets along with black dudes easier than anyone. I think it's sports, but like he's friends with Mike Tyson, friends with DJ Premier, friends with Big Daddy Kane, friends with all these dudes, like friends. So he's talking to this guy in the audience and he goes, he said something about being a black dude and the guy goes, I'm a straight up, straight up black dude, brov. And Tom goes, no, you're not. Where the fuck are you from? He goes, Liverpool, brov.

And he goes, I was talking about a real black guy. The kind that licks his lips and plays with his dick. And it was told to me by a friend. He goes, I was just watching. He was just doing crowd work. That's the fucking, you know what I mean? Nah, you're not real. It's funny you get so many of those.

I remember one time seeing a dude, black dude, in the audience. and I go And his chick He was on a first date with the chick And I go I said something about black dude She goes he's black And I went nah

He's from from somewhere He's not like American black dude And she goes Yes he is I go no You don't know him Apparently And the guy hasn't said anything

Right She goes no We're around on a date I'm looking at him And I go no no no no We need to look at his shoes Real quick I go no American black dude

Would ever wear those shoes Where are you from buddy Where you from And he goes Man Manchester? And I went, yeah. And she goes, wait, how did you figure that on his shoes? I go, they're racing shoes. They're like the tiny sold. They're not anything that an American would wear. They look like they're F1 shoes, you know, like little tiny shoes. I go, that's something Americans don't wear,

let alone brothers don't wear that shit. There's like, but. You call that shit out, huh? Oh, yeah, well, there's been, there's, well, there's certain things that made me fucking crazy and stand up. And that's when, like, people aren't going to be honest with themselves. That's the one thing that makes me the fucking craziest. And especially when they think they're being politically correct and they're lying to themselves. Like I was, I remember, I learned one time that, uh, the hard way, because I went to go play basketball and I bought a pair of Jordans.

And Kevin Hart saw me in those Jordans. And he said, where are you going? And I said, I'm going to play basketball. And he went, you don't play basketball in Jordans. And I went, hmm? And he goes, he just bought a $120 pair of shoes. You're not going to go fuck him up on a bat. He goes, do not wear them to a basketball court.

you will get, they won't let you play. And I said, I said, you're out of your mind. I go to a basketball court with these Jordans on, and these black dudes are like, take them off. We'll beat your ass and take them off you before we let you ruin those shoes. Do not play in those fucking shoes. Get a pair of shoes from the trunk of your car. Take those off right now.

And I go, I'm going to play in their shoes. And like, we're not going to let you. You're not allowed to play. And I was like, what? And brothers do not play basketball in Jordans. Like, their Jordans are like, they're nice shoes. They're really nice shoes. By the way, and now that I know shoes, the way I know shoes, I would never buy a pair of fucking Jordans to play basketball.

I'd buy a pair of basketball shoes, right? Like a nice pair of basketball shoes. So we're in Hollywood, and I'm listening to this actor talk, and he's waxing poetically about racism and indifference and in, you know, whatever. And he said, then they're going to suggest that black kids don't play hockey because of the gear. and they don't play golf because of the gear that it's too expensive. That's bullshit. And I went, no, that's actually totally why. That's totally why that you don't see a lot of black kids playing.

If you're from the inner city, you can't just buy whole hockey gear. And it's just expensive. And that's kind of the green fees. That's how racism works. And he goes, bullshit. Explain to me how they, explain to me how they can afford these Jordans to play basketball then. And I said, oh, you don't know any black people. and he goes, what?

I said, you've never met a black person. Oh, you need to meet black people. Because I have a friend, Kevin Hardy, told me, you don't play basketball in Jordans. And then the guy's adopted son comes out, and he's black, and he has fucked up Jordan's son. Oh, my God. Dinner party, my wife's like, we'll be going.

Thank you, everybody. He's a big fucking actor. He was a big fucking actor. No shit. And I was like, oh. He walked him with him basketball, and just trash brand new Jordan. Oh, man.

You said that at a dinner party? Yeah, he had a dinner party. Oh, my goodness. I had fucked up dinner parties so bad. I remember one time there were these two gay dudes, and they were talking about not liking the taste to come, and I thought they were talking about rum, and I just joined in with my story of my first experience with it.

Yeah. And I was like, I remember when I tried it the first time, I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I was like, ninth grade, we're out at the beach. My buddies and I were like, pirates do it. We should try it, right? And they're like, I was like, there was a lot of gagging that night, boys, but we got it down.

Now, it wasn't until I did it with my dad, and he's like, a little pineapple makes it taste better. My wife's like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I go, rum, right? She goes, no, come. And I went, eh, never mind. By the way, I can do fucking five hours with you guys. This is awesome. It's a blast, dude.

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And you hope it's the fourth, but it's usually those three and those times. I walk over to the coop. I open the coop up. The ducks, I know are talking about me when I'm walking up to them, dude, because they don't just do regular quacking noises. They go, and they're looking at each other.

And they kind of look over me and they come back. And they go, and I open the door, and then they stare at me for a second. Like, what do you want me to do, ducks? Do you want me to pick you up right now, bro? No. go back down to the pond and I'll see you at 5 p.m. when the sun is setting in the wintertime and I'll bring you back up to the damn coop. But you know what helps me every single time?

The comfort and the durability of Georgia boots is the only thing that doesn't maybe do this when they're going, I want to, you know what I'm saying? But Georgia boot, the way it wraps around my foot, the way it makes me feel so comfortable. Like I'm still inside. I might be cold up top and in the middle, but down low by my little toesies, I'm feeling great because George Georgia Boot is not only durable, liable, but also comfortable? It's a win-win. Head over to Georgia Boot.com and use code busting for 20% off. We should probably do tier talk for sure.

I forget we have tier talk. Yeah. And this is kind of a big one to us. This has been a huge argument of ours for a while. Oh, yes. This has been a fucking a big deal. I draw a line in the same time. Where are you from, born and raised?

Tampa. Born in St. Petersburg, Florida. Born and raised in Tampa. So you're a Florida guy. You're a Florida guy through and through. L.A. Yeah. Okay.

So, Cali. He's West Coast. Yeah, but he's from Florida, so he might have different views. So tier talk is the way the bus works is that we have tier one guys. Those are the dudes that get like bust with the boys tattoos. Yeah. But fucking, if we were like, hey, drink this, drink it and die. That kind of, those are the tier ones.

Tier two is they follow, they comment, they like, and then so on and so forth. It just gets lower and lower. And our tier talk is we're rating today as burgers. And Will and I really have a strong, a strong opinion of what is best and what is not. I would like to say that I feel like I have a fair opinion versus strong. Oh my God. What are we going to do? I think we both have fair opinions.

I think yours is a little more prideful than mine. I disagree. This is okay. Listen how you grew up on the West Coast. I grew up in Arizona. I grew up in Missouri. I was born in Sacramento. I grew up in Arizona.

And for context, I grew up in Missouri. So I didn't have the ones that were, I guess we had five guys, but we didn't have it near Bontair, Missouri. So here's what we need to do right now. You can put. your tiers in. We're not going to comment on it because we can comment after.

But we'll put all, you'll do your first three tiers, you'll do your first three tiers and I'll do my last, and then we'll discuss. First three tiers, meaning the best one, two, and three. Middle and then below that.

So top three best burgers in Europe. Three best burgers. Now we're going to leave it alone. If you have something on the list too or that's not on the list? Yeah. No, I got it. This is like a point of reference.

Fast food burgers, yeah. So like, have you been a Jack Browns here in Nashville? No. It's an outstanding burger. You would love it. You would absolutely love it. Yeah, it's not national though, right? No, no, no, no.

That's a gourmet burger. Yeah, thank you, Blas. One of my favorite things in the world is to go into a McDonald's or a Burger King and give them $200 and just say, surprise me. Really? Yeah, I do it all the time. I do it at Del Taco. It's like a fun move.

It's really fun. Especially when you were with a bunch of guys, when you were with a bunch of guys. Did we do it the other night? Where's Peter? Did we do it the other night? At Hugh Babies? Peter Where did we get burgers at the other night?

Cookout. Cookout. Well, we were drinking across the street at the Hutton. And we went over there and the doors were locked and they were closed. They were just doing drive-thru. And a guy recognized me. So we got in his car and we sat in the drive-thru line

and I said, he said, what do you guys want to order? I said, let me handle this. I said, I got a hundred bucks. Surprise me. and they gave us like 20 hot dogs, 20 burgers, some fries. They just loaded us up. And then we got it. I said, pull it out whatever you want.

And they just pulled it out. And we got out of his car and we got an Uber home. And so we did it in Del Taco. It's always great. But it's still going to make your tear less. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was saying where your taste buds are at. No, so.

You're already throwing a little judgment on them. You got to be. Yep, you're right. One of my favorite things also to do on the road is sneeze-knackers, which is we then take our leftovers. So we call it making it rain. We'll make it rain at White Castle, Wendy's, and McDonald's. And then we will take all our burgers and we'll each challenge each other

to make the best burger with the leftovers we have. So we will take the in-and-out patties and the White Castle patties and make a layer of that with a McDonald's cheeseburger all in the Big Mac bun and present that to everything. everyone see what they think. And it's the funnest. We have these challenges. We'll everyone like do their best Frankenstein creation and then present it to the

group and we're like, oh, that fucking, that's good. So it sounds like he's a good. You're a burger connoisseur. It sounds like you've done this. I've got, I've got my take right now. Okay, let's go. And diet, no reactions? No reactions, boys.

We just want to sit and eat it. Number one is in and out. Number two is Burger King, a wopper with cheese. And number three, this is the sleeper. is the Carl's Jr. $5 burger. Will. Just don't react.

Just let it eat. So can you repeat those one more time? Number one, in and out. Double, double animal style. Number two, Burger King, wopper with cheese, preferably a double wopper with cheese. Number three, Carl's Jr., the $5 burger. Will.

You want my thoughts or you want my... No, I don't want your thoughts on that. Okay. And Bert? please don't respond to Will when he's his side tears. My number one is five guys, cheeseburger, lettuce, tomato, mayo, onions. Bert, please. Sorry, man.

Some respect. My two is Shake Shack. My three, I agree with Bert on the Carl's Jr., $5 burger. I have the floor. You have the floor. My number one, in and out, double, double, is my number one. figured you would dick ride with Bert. My number two.

Remember we're not, I have the floor. My fall. Yes. Number two, fat burger. And number three, I'm going to stick with all of you at Carl's Jr. But it's not going to be the $5 burger. It's going to be the double Western bacon cheese burger. Those are my three.

Okay. So first thing, first thing is first. Will. First thing really stuck out. And that's the fact that you chose in and out. And five guys did not make your list. Well, I would like to say very pedantic. of you for your first two choices.

Who? Very pedestrian, Will. Will, yes. Okay. It means, it means, I guess you have Yelp on your phone. Yeah. I guess. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wow.

Come on, no, no, no, no. Let her guys talk. He's our guest. Five guys is what everyone says. Everyone says, Shake, shack. Everyone. Everyone who doesn't want to step out of the crowd, not be a sheep, and find the things they love.

they say that. Those shake shack? Do you remember the first time someone was like, but you've you had shake shack? And I was like, yeah, oh, I see what they're doing. They're trying to do what everyone else is done. Oh, have you had five guys? I think so.

Yeah. I think so. You mean the guys are doing what everyone else is done? Five guys is trying to do when Carl's Jr. Carl's Jr. stood itself out from the front. I bought a house because there was a Carl's Jr. behind it. Carl's Jr. fucks so hard. Fucks.

Well, I don't think we all disagree on the Carl's Jr. When I, when I, when I, or Hardie's, I had an audition for the $5 burger to do a commercial for the $5 burger. They told me, you'll be eating a Carl's Jr. $5 burger. Don't come in hungry. And I have never been more excited for an audition. I get there and the woman says the audition's been canceled.

And I said, but how about that $5 burger? That's how much you love Carl's Jr. She said, I, I have one. And I said, can I have one? She goes, I have 30 of them. And I went, can I have all of them? She said, you can have all of them. And I took $35 burgers home.

I ate one in the car. I ate one when I got there. I ate one. I couldn't stop eating them. And then I called 15 friends and said, who wants to have dinner at my house tonight? I'm making burgers, right? And then wrap them in tinfoil.

I put them in the oven. I warm them up. And I bring them out thinking I've made these burgers. If I had told them it's Carl's Jr., they would have been like, uh, I don't know. But I had experienced. experience them because on the ride to Sacramento, Carl's Jr. is littered on the five.

And I loved this burger. I brought out $5 burgers that they thought I fucking made. And they were like, this is the best goddamn burger I've ever fucking had. No shit. And I came out. And those are the same people that say five guys is the best burger. Yep. Those are the same fucking people that say five guys. So the problem I have, number one, I find it respectful that you say everybody, that that's the

most popular opinion is five guys. because I do agree that it is the best burger. And as somebody who, you know, is ecstatic, anytime I get to travel somewhere, Waterburger, that could be up there, but I had a bad experience the last time with Waterburger down in Texas. Shoutout, Texas.

Waterburger's washed. Well, I, whatever is not washed. There's a lot on this, okay, there's a lot of blonde-haired blue eyes women on this list, right? That's my point. It's like, Waterburger, blonde-haired blue eyes. Shake Shack and Stake and Stake and Sake and Sake and they're cousins. They're cousins.

Yeah. I mean, Sonic, I don't even know why I'm on the fucking list. I just agree on the cousin. I don't think Dairy Queen. What the fuck's Dairy Queen doing on this? I think Dairy Queen's a very underrated burger. I'll be honest. I'll tell you, well, when we went and did it,

because you know I love Blizzards. You know I fucking love Blizzards. That's the best ice cream on the planet. Nothing can beat soft serve ice cream. But their burgers, it was like all tomato, all mayo. It was a garbage. Okay, so it wasn't what it needs to be. I mean, I had one a few months ago, and I thought it was pretty fantastic.

It could be the establishment. The people were working. You do got to watch out there. White Castle? beautiful redhead. Do I want to marry her? No. I just, I want to have sex with her. I want to see puffy nipples, sure.

But I'm not going to marry her. White Castle's like a closet. You enjoy it every now. I don't want to tell everybody about it. I have to disagree with both those things. I think White Castle's preposterous. Really? She's a haggard woman I see in the street with her

where's spaghetti strep on shoulder. She fucks hard. Fucks hard without a condom. I will say. You want to do naughty stuff to that girl, bro. But that crave case with a suitcase. That's what I'm telling you. That's nice.

That's one of my best moves in fucking just grab a case. Just come in and just light them up. I mean, like dominoes falling. No end in my mouth. But like I said, you're right. I don't want to live there. No, you don't want to live there. You're not going to go, what do you guys want for dinner?

White Castle, everyone's like, what are you? Did Dad do Coke this afternoon? What the fuck are we getting White Castle for? Dude, I would love for you. Where you leave Nashville, hit up Hugh Babies. I think you like you babies. It's not national. It would have been on my list.

but I think Hugh Babies is really good. The Big Mac is way too much. So what you can do at McDonald's is you can do special orders. They do a Big Mac with the quarter pounder fatty, which is so much more ratio to bun to burger. Yeah. The way they do it now, it's a great burger. Our dog is, my daughter's fucking,

we bought a dog in Arizona. And on the ride home, they'd never had a Big Mac. And they had a Big Mac. And they're like, these are amazing. And I was like, yeah, it's a Big Mac. It's everyone likes them. Yeah. And they go, we should name our dog Big Mac.

I went, no, we're not doing that. No, we have a dog named Big Mac. No shit. Yeah, fucking Mac. So tell me why, take me on the journey of why he shows In-N-Out Burger. Why did you choose the right choice? When did I get to speak on? I think you spoke.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. It's spoke the whole, no, called me, called. It's my turn to talk. Okay.

Now, we know he has a dog named Big Mac. All right, no, what do you have to say? It's going to save it. Because in and out. Because in and out is over fucking rated. That's not true. It's my turn to talk. It's my turn to talk.

It's my turn to talk. So when I went out to Oakland, was ecstatic to get In-N-Out Burger after games. Got it, loved it. Rough area. Either way, we're an-and-out burger. Like, I think In-N-Out burger is a good burger. Do not get it twisted.

I do think it is a good burger. It is not great. To me, it is a Chick-fil-A of burgers. Very great customer service. Phenomenal experience. When you go and you have an in-and-out, you want to go hit an in-and-out burger. When I went to my boy's wedding last year, I was in his wedding.

I could not wait to fucking get a burger. Not only that, I couldn't wait to get high around the fire, starve myself until we went to go get the burger. Went to one in and out. Way too crowded, way too much traffic there, but I loved it. I couldn't wait. Baby, we got to go to another one because this is the hype of fucking in and out burger. We go to another in-and-out burger. Go to that one, wait in line.

Again, it's like Chick-fil-A. They got workers everywhere working it. You're not going to find a backed-up drive-through like you do it in-and-out. I will give you that. It is extremely popular. out there. But again, back to my overrated talk. I get the double double. I have animal style with the fries. You got to eat the fries quick because they get a little soggy. Okay, yeah, order it extra crispy. Okay, cool. Everybody can get extra crispy fries. But you get the in and out burger,

and it is, I am fucking high, bro, and I can't wait. My mouth is salivating. I bite into the burger. I said, they don't think to myself. Hey. And now I go back to, I'm not going to ask Charles yet. And then I take another bite of the burger. And I'm thinking, yo, this isn't what I've built up. Like, I've been in Oakland. I couldn't wait to tell the boys, oh, I tried it in and out. Yeah, it's the best fucking burger in the world. But the consistency of the bun, it ends up breaking.

It doesn't, not mush in a disgusting way, but it doesn't flow with fluidity. Don't buy this. Down into the ingredients. Again, top-notch quality presentation. It looks deceivingly good. But you bite down in the bread breaks before it really gets to the ingredients. And it is an over-notch-notch-rength. And it is an over-hyped burger.

Yes, quality. They, you know, they get their ingredients within 50 miles of a fucking farm. Whatever it is. That's awesome. But I think it is the most overrated burger out there. I think it is good, not great. Don't get a fucking twisted. In-N-Out burger is good.

But it is not great. To me, five guys, like, dude, every time I have it, I'm just like, fuck. And mind you, I do feel like I took a pedestrian say with Shake Shack when I see it, all the pictures on there. But Shake Shake, She changed my life a little bit when I was out in D.C. And I tried it and I was drunk for the first time. I had the peppers on it. The cherry peppers was phenomenal.

But one night I ordered because I'm like, you know, I'm telling Charo, like I got to figure out. By the way, I look to Charles and say, hey, babe, what do you think of this in and out of her? She's like, you know, it's not as good as what you're sitting. You've been hyping it up. And I was like, I fucking agree, bro. And I'm high, you know, I'm high. And then I go back to eating the rest of the burger. I eat it all, but it just wasn't what I thought it was going to be.

Now we go to, we're back in Nashville. And I'm like, hey, babe, like, I'm on a, I got to figure out, like, I got to find my taste with burgers, just like I want to do with whiskey because I like whiskey. And you know how you kind of like whiskey and you're just in circles. And you're like, oh, yeah, I like dabbling whiskey and guys like, oh, this whiskey, that whiskey. And I'm like, I got to find my taste with whiskey. Same with burgers. So I get, I go and get a five guys burger. I go and get a Shake Shack burger.

And I have them fucking side by side. And I take my bites. And Shik Shack tastes way more manufactured than a Five Guys Burger. Five Guys legitimately is the. best tasting burger. Yeah, it might cost a lot, but hey, fucking make a little bit more money. Spend a little bit more on a burger. If you want to have a great, yeah, you want to treat yourself. But that is why I think five guys is the best. Again, I think in and out is good. I do not think it is great. And I, for damn sure, do not think it's elite. I will tell you this. That was a very, that was a very well thought out. It was a well fought up. Yeah, you were ready. Yeah, you were ready. I thought about it a while.

And I tell you where you, I tell you where you started to sway me. And I can't believe I'm going to say this. Yeah. No, here's just fucked up as you started. he started going, well, you know what it is? As soon as he said, you get to the line, and then I started thinking, if we're making these women, right?

Because that's how you, everything's going to translate into women. Do, I mean, do I want to marry the chick that spends an hour on makeup and is a model and is going to be a little difficult in this relationship? Because that is in and out is the lines through the fucking roof.

And it's, you think you're in a turn lane and you're like, did I accidentally get in the line for in and out? And then you're like, the accessibility of in and out. which obviously speaks to how great the burger is, but you started talking to me about accessibility,

and I go, I hate to say this, there's a lot of times I don't get in and out because getting in and out is such a fucking hassle. Like getting in and out is so difficult that you got to be, you actually got to be not hungry to want to get in and out, because you're going to get,

if you get into that line hungry, you end up going during fucking five burgers. I disagree with everything you just said. Here's why. When you're talking about, if we're going to shape these beautiful burgers into beautiful women. Yes. The reason why it's in and out burger is so sought after is because she's far and few between. There's not a lot of other women out there.

You can go anywhere and find that five guys. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Yeah, blonde hair, blue eyes. Small waist, fat ass. And but probably... Bad ass, boy. Hey, tough to talk to, though. But tough to talk to you.

Over and over. And says the same... That's so lit. That's dope. Yeah. Yeah, that's a vibe. That's a vibe. That's a vibe.

Hold on. I want to put that on Instagram and you're like, see that again? Okay, that's really good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, in and out, the way it goes is, look, there's way less in-and-out burgers out there in the United States of America than there are five guys. Just like women. There's so many, the phrase, what's the phrase? So many fish in the sea. Yeah. But there's, the in-and-out burger is the rare.

The one you want to, everybody wants it, but can you get it? And if you're able to achieve getting her to go with you, you know not only do you have to make yourself better as a man to compete with her and being like moving towards the trajectory of life you guys want to create together or do you realize hey i'm good with where i'm at right now i'll just go with this five guys now listen if you want to talk about models who put all the stuff on their face and everything like that you go to five guys what do you have every single condiment every single topping every single cheese you can choose anything you want but if you go to in and out burger

here's the deal it's simple it's sweet but it's organic it's delicious and it's fresh. And for those who know it, who have spent enough time with her, went to summer camp with her, maybe you felt her up when you guys were in the seventh grade, right?

You know what I'm talking about? And she comes to you and she goes, hey, in case you're wondering, I do have fries that are well done if you want them. You know what I'm saying? And hey, you like your onions grilled?

There's a thing called animal style. Hey, you're trying to watch your weight a little bit. Don't worry. I'll help you out. There's this thing called protein style. Cut the carbs a little bit. But I'm not going to show you that. But I'm not going to show you that.

I'm not going to show you that. Check who's dad taught her how to change a tire. Exactly. Exactly. There was a girl in Michigan. I don't remember her name, but I remember we sat down and she was, she was a really good looking girl and we all go to eat and a couple of the girls order like, you know, fruit, food, drinks, whatever.

She goes, let me get a cheeseburger and a Miller light, please. And she slams the thing down and eats it. And me and the boys are like, who the fuck is this girl? We all loved her, right? I have no idea what she's doing in this world now. I have no idea. I wasn't prepared. I wasn't ready for a woman like that.

Where is that happening? I need the app to find those women. Right? You have the app, and it's in the West Coast, and her name's in and out. All right. Now. Are you back? I rest my case, Your Honor.

Let's go, dude. My cousin Vinny. Jesus Christ. Hang on, hang on. I will say, just like I explained, what happens there is this. You get outside of the actual fucking burger, and it's bells and whistles and fucking storytelling about chicks, and you're selling stories. You're not selling the burger.

When I talked, it was about fucking. ingredients. It was about how I bit through the burger and how that's what swayed my mind. You got, you start getting into the girl conversation. You start getting it. You're a phenomenal storyteller. You're exactly what an in and out is. You're a great experience. You're a great experience. You're, you're entertained. What do I lack, though? But the quality of the taste of the burger is not there. What's the quality that's like with me? You're good. You're not great. Here's what I'll say about if you want to go into the ingredients. Let's undress. Not one thing about the burger. About biting. Because I bought into the woman. I bought into the woman. I will tell you this. When you go to in and out, yes, after you get through the fluff,

after you get past the red fucking rope, and you walk in and you see all the bells and whistles, the DJ is going heavy. You got a couple girls grinding their teeth, and you go over and you want to undress this lady the way you want to see her. Not only the bun, when you take it and you say, hey, let me get that double, double. They're going to take the buns, they look at them like this,

and go, what do I do at this? I'm going to put it on top of the stove because I want a little bit of crisp to it. when you bite it in there because texture is everything. You look at the ice. What's that? It's at the bun breaks.

It really does it. I've never had a bun break. I've never. When's the last thing you actually had a bun burger? Because anytime I go, you're like a fucking bird. You get the lettuce ones. Yeah, sorry, it takes a lot to look at this average, Will.

I'm doing the best I can. Well, I'm just saying. We're talking quality. Now, when I go, then I get the bun, I bite it into it. I've never had an issue with that. I'm sorry, that was your experience, but for me, she's always treating me right,

well and respectful. And she's always, always called me back. the iceberg lettuce, once again, is there any nutritional value to iceberg lettuce will? I'll give you that answer. No, it's like celery. But texture is what you're looking for. It's crisp.

It's dark green to a lighter green, making sure when you bite it, especially in that middle. You could, you can, when you bite into it, you know for a fact. It's only ice cubes right now. Unbelievable. I think you get that crunch.

I'm fucking starving. I'm going to fucking hungry right now. I want a burger so fucking bad. My mouth watering. Here's what I will say, is a thing that people will argue against it an out burger, but I don't think it's an issue. The size of the meat, the size of the patty.

Because you can always do the double, double, the triple, the four by four. You can do whatever you want. Against the triple is fucking insane. Okay. And that's an opinion, right? We all have them. I'm not saying, like, I'm not saying that against you.

I'm just speaking to everybody. Oh, no, I hear you. I hear you. Millions of viewers. Millions of viewers. I get it. Yeah. But I'm saying the meat is a little bit,

but it's not overwhelming. The cheese is perfectly placed on top. The ratio is, amazing. And I've never had the bun break on me in my entire life. I love the idea that you can get pickles, even though pickles don't come on it. You can have the onions raw if you want it. There's enough choices that you

can have to where it's like, okay, I have a little bit of freedom here. But it's not so many choices where you're like, give me the barbecue sauce, give me the ketchup, give me this, give me that. And then all of a sudden you eating, you're like, what the fuck am I eating? Is this like a weird stew with some meat in it? You know what I'm saying? There's so many secrets they have

that you don't know. Like, did you know that before in and out grills a burger, they rub mustard all over it. I did not know that and it brought me up. And that is why it has the crispiness to it. That's why it has that extra flavor to it. You don't fucking slap me in the arm like that, dude. Hey, listen, and it's so great.

I knew this would go with because we talked, we were on the text. Hey, what are we going to do the birthday? What is your talk? I believe someone said burgers. I don't remember who said it. I had a viral moment because I eat my McDonald's cheeseburgers. I taco them.

And everyone was like, what the fuck's that? I take the bottom bun off, flip it up, all the good shit's on top, pickles lettuce, tomato, or pickles, ketchup, mustard, and cheese, and I taco them as half the calories. And they were like, whoa, what else do you do? And I was like, I have a special order. What else do you do? I have a bunch. And so then everyone started hitting me up.

Oh, you know what I do? I get the McFucking or something? McGangbang. Yeah, McGang bang. Yeah, McGang bang. And so there were like all these orders you can get at McDonald's. And then McDonald's, I think, hit us up. They're like, like, hey, don't do this.

We don't want to make things complicated. Like, just order what's on our fucking menu. It's tough. I was like, easy. But yeah, the, I want to, I need to eat a burger now. What I, what also threw me off a little bit was I thought you'd like fat burger. I thought you'd be into fat burger. The first burger I ever had in L.A. was a fat burger.

And it's the first time I ever had an egg on a burger. And they fucked me up so big that I only fucked with fat burger. Okay. There was a fat burger on the quarter. I lived at the Universal. Sheridan. There was a corner. Bought a house by that fat burger too. And there was a fat burger and a Pacito Moss. And they have great

milk shakes. I know you never had fat burger. I think their milkers are unbelievable. Fat burgers are fucking awesome. Yeah. But I didn't see Fatburger on the list, to be honest with you. Yeah, but you can kind of, like you didn't have to. That's why to me I kind of feel like I fucked up on the shake shack because I thought it was better than the ones that were on there. Now that we've talked, do you want to re-rate? Wait, how come no one's going to talk about how great,

how much better a wapper with cheeses than a Big Mac? Like, I see, I haven't had enough. long. I haven't heard of how long. Do that. 1,200 calories. Who is? The Whopper was used. Well, that's a big girl. That's a fucking... It sounds good, but it's like, one of my boys,

Derek Henry, was talking about Wendy's being so good. And I went there right after practice, right after the locker and fucking went there and it was like, dude, what are we doing? We're at a fast food, a legit fast food burger joint. We were at McDonald's in Arizona. What was that? February? Yeah. And we walked in there,

first off, the McFlorys, they come in one size. It's a fimbled. It's the fimbled. It's a fimbled. on the game Monopoly. So small. Made will real, real fucking mad. You really put their fucking thing in a pocket. Dude, you literally could.

So pissed off. I told them large, McFlurie, and they come out with this little dink-ass fucking... Yeah. Oh, so much. Oh, we only got one size. And you're like, all right, give me the size.

Give me that one size. Will get super mad. He gets so mad that he's like, this isn't enough of a tasty treat for me. We need to go somewhere else. What's down the road? Sonic. We go to Sonic.

I was driving a pickup truck over there, real wide vehicle. and I go to Poland totally just fucking cashed the side of the vehicle trying to get the Sonic 100%. And we're getting Sonic selling footlong glizzies. That's unbelievable, which I know is a JP's thing. He loves the hot dogs. Dude, I fuck up hot dogs.

Do you really? I fuck up hot dogs. I'm 0% like a homophobic adult. There's nothing like sexual things that really bother me. I'll eat them on my knees. You can hold the back of my head. Squirm a man is on my face. That's how much I love them.

Really? Dude, I have not been through the Chicago airport in my life without getting a Chicago hot dog. Really? The second I get off the plane, I find the first Chicago hot dog, murder two of them. It's called the one in Chicago's the green billboard on it. Green, it's got the green building. No, no, no, the one in the airport in Chicago. I don't know.

Coney Island? No, Coney Island's, uh, is Michigan, right? That's Detroit. Dude, I fuck up hot dogs. I love the dogs. You hot dog or burger guy. So if I'm making a big cookout, first of all, I make great burger. We just got a flat top.

We have two flat tops. And I'm doing smash burgers for my kids. They're amazing. They're amazing. But man, if I make a bunch of burgers, there's something about that hot dog that was like, hey, let's start with me. And I go, okay. He's like, you know how we like it?

Let's do it. How we like it? And I'll do half the bun, right? Half the bun of a hot dog. You're half carb guy. Half carb guy. And I'm still fat, but I go, I'm not as fat as I should be. Right.

Right? And so I'll eat. And I'll load it up all on the top. Oh, I love hot dogs. I remember one time sugar and I were in, uh... You can squirt mayonnaise on my face. I'm like brots over hot dogs. Oh, no, hold on.

I was on a journey with you right there. I think I was on a little bit asleep. What? So you make this hot dog, you cut it off. What do you put on it? Oh, mustard. Hot mustard. The hot mustard, the one that comes in a little jar that burns when it goes to your nose.

When I went, first time I went to Germany, they had hot dogs everywhere. in this park. Everyone had, like, every place had a hot dog and beer. Me and my buddy Uicho were just like, let's get drunk as fucking eat hot dogs. And their mustard burned. And it burns. I love mustard that burns. I love.

One time, Sigur and I were at the beach together, and he watched me eat a pack of hot dogs in a day. And I had diarrhea. And I said, I said, God damn it, I got diarrhea. And he goes, no shit. And I was like, I was like, what do you think it is? And he goes, oh, I don't know. You ate 12 glasses. Glissorin sticks.

And I go, what's a glycerin stick? He goes, dude, lips and assholes, you've been eating hot dogs all. I watched you eat 12 hot dogs. And I went, yeah, they're good. And he was like, but that's why you're sick. You're not supposed to eat 12 hot dogs. And I was like, for real? He was like, yeah, I have a problem with hot dogs, man.

You can't, I can't go to a Rams game and not get the fucking street dogs. Mm-hmm. I'm swallowing a lot because I'm, I'm like, I'm salivating. I'm so fucking hungry. Fuck. But, man, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I fucking love hot talks God damn it I want a hot talk now

So does you rather have a hot dog or a burger? Hot talk. Really? If I go to a football game Hot talk, hot talk immediately. Yeah, if you go to a football game like there's not going to be like good burgers at the football. I heard you mention the Rams, you're a Rams guy?

Who's your tan wagon? No, no, no. No, I had to make a conscious decision because the Rams show up in L.A. And my daughters wanted to be, wanted to go to football games. And so I got season tickets. and my wife is like, we're a Rams family now. And I was like, okay.

And then I, and then I, but I'm really a Bucks fan because I grew up in Tampa. But I, I found who I liked on the Rams. He's, I think he just left. He's Johnny Hecker, the kicker. He's fucking so great. He's one of the best punters in the league. And I loved when, I love that in Hard Knocks when he looked at golf. And he had the football and he goes, 100 bucks a second hit the side of the field goal right now.

And he's like, golf's like, huh? There's a hundred bucks. I was like, okay. And he just takes it and fucking ding. And he goes, you're up. And Gop's like, no, he just walked away. No shit. I love that.

I love that. I love that. I've never watched one episode of that guy. Oh, for real? No. Well, it's the same thing. We do it. We live it, right?

Oh, yeah. I guess that would be. That stuff's gassed up, too. Like, if the Titans ever had hard knocks we're in it, there'd be so many fucking go hard. Do you think the same thing? Oh, yeah, yeah. You think, do you see the cameras on.

They'd be fucking, yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure. It would be blown up to what it really is. Camp is miserable. And I've seen a couple clips. I've never seen a full episode, but they make camp like it's a fun little deal.

What they should do, what they should do is they should bring in guys like me that have a little money and let us pay to see if we can get on the team. But if we can't, that money goes to a player. I like that. Money goes to a player. Yeah, like, like someone who's doing, like, because if you're,

if you went to a training camp, say you just, and by the way, you tap people out, right? So people would have to ring the bell and be like, I'm done, I can't do it anymore. Right. Or coach you're like, you're done.

Tattle my head, you got to get out. Say it's $10,000, right? So you get a bunch of guys, first day of training camp, first guy, like a bunch of guys got $10,000 that want to pat up, see if they got what it takes. And when the second they ring the bell, they're out. And all that money then goes to players that are trying to negotiate contracts.

You go, hey, we found the money for you. These guys fucking tapped out. Then also, you become a bigger fan of that team, I think. Like, I think they're doing, I think they're doing USF, Is that what the Rock's doing? USFL? XFL?

XFL? I think he's fucking it up and I'll tell you why. And I'll tell them how to fix it. This is how you fix it, Rock. If you're listening, this is how you fix it. And you will have a billion dollar business on your hands.

Number one, teams in a state can only get players from the colleges in that state. Boom. You got right now, you got it Florida. You get all the guys that didn't make, the cut from FSU, from

UF, guys that people have been cheering for for the past four years, that they know these guys, they know their stories. They also know they didn't make it, they're rooting for them. So you've got great college towns, and you put those teams in the big college towns like Michigan, Ohio, fucking Oregon, Florida,

fucking Alabama, you know, like, and those teams and then you, and then that's, you can only recruit from there, because that gives civic pride. I went, the first thing I did, I went to an NFL game, the first thing I did is I went I wonder if any of these guys played for Florida State. I'm going to go get his jersey, right?

And then I was like, oh, they don't have anyone from Florida State. I was like, oh, they don't have anyone from UCLA. Where are these guys from? And you're like, oh, man, if they had some Florida State guys, I would have bought their jerseys. But that's kind of how it works, right? I'm not from Michigan. I'm not from Michigan.

No, you played. Right. So like, if they say they have... It was like Michigan State or like some northeast area of recruiting. Yeah. Draft. So you get picked to play on the Michigan, Ohio team, whatever. Except Felt team.

Okay, so, yeah, that makes sense. I don't know if you'd get enough players, though. That might be difficult. Like, what if there was a team in Nebraska? Nebraska, you would almost have to combine some states. Yeah, you can combine some states. Yeah, you can combine some states. Yeah, I like regions.

I like regions. Yeah, Florida would be like, you just have to stick to Florida. Yeah. Florida's fucking. Yeah, Florida. Yeah. Florida. Yeah. And those, like, those kind of regions would be.

I like that. Because I like that a lot. I do like that idea. Because what will happen is you will get people rooting for the team because they've followed these kids their whole fucking careers. Yeah. And they're like, oh, fuck, yeah. We used to play against that kid.

He's fucking good. I didn't like him when he played for Florida. But fuck, he's on our team now. I'm getting his jersey. The whole thing is like the whole thing about football, man, I'm so sorry I started this conversation because I don't know shit. But the whole thing about football, for my perspective, is you want me to know that team. You want me to know those players.

You want me to know their stories. You want, the more invested I am in, the human beings on that field, the more I want to buy their jersey, the more, that's where, that is, that's the connectivity. That's what I like to my hard knocks is it would introduce you to a team and you get to know the players. And granted, there would be a couple standouts, but those ones that got cut, it was like, fucking don't even tell me their story because I love that kid now. Right. Like, you just felt like I'm going to fall in love with them. And now we're, Danny Amandola. Danny Amandola, right?

Yeah, Danny Mandola. Yeah. What was he got cut from the fucking? in Rams and then you're like, oh, fuck. And then he shows up. He's like, I root for that guy all the time because I watched him struggle. And so like...

Man, he went off on us. He played for Houston this year. Last game of year, he went off on us. He almost lost the game. Dude, he was lost the game because of Dan Amadola. That fucking game. You guys did almost lose that fucking... Oh, yeah, yeah.

I thought you were talking shit, but yeah. But it's the funnest thing is to know, like, like, hecker, I follow him on Instagram. I know his life. And that's part of what social media is these days. It's part of what I think you guys are doing brilliantly. It's part of the reason I wish Pat McAfee went back and started kicking again. Is that, dude, when you become a fan, when you, so it's playing to me this way. I'm going to try to

parallel it. When you, I had this kid come up to me, people heard me said this before, but I had this kid come up to me New Year's Eve a few years ago, a bunch of years ago back, and I was at Fort Lauderdale Improv, and he said, came up to me, Hollywood Improv, and he goes, he's drunk, fuck, he's shirtless, he's like, hey man, I need, I need two seconds of your time. And I was like, I was like, what do you need? And the guy's like, get him out of here. I go, what do you need? And he goes, no, I need to explain something to you. And I was like, okay, what is it? And he goes, I'm a fan of yours. And I was like, cool. And he was like, no, you don't know what that means. And I was like, I get it. Your shirt's off. You want to get a shirt or a picture? And he goes, no, no, no.

He goes, I don't have shit going on in my life. He goes, I don't have a girlfriend. I don't have anything. My job sucks. I don't expect much out of my life. But I'm a fan of yours. and when you succeed, it makes me feel like I succeed because I picked you. So when you have good things happen to you, share them online. I want to know about them

because it makes me feel like I picked the right one. And he goes, and I was like, it blew me away. And I was like, and I was like, fuck. And then I started going, wait, what am I a fan of?

Like, I'm a fan of Rogans. I mean, he's my friend. I'm a fan first. When Joe succeeds, I get excited. I remember reading that Spotify deal in the paper and was like, not paper, whatever, fucking internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, and I was like- Paper makes it seem more nostalgic, though.

And I got the chance to call him and be like, dude, fucking congrats. And he was like, yeah, yeah, I know, man. And you're like, no, I picked you. I've been listening to you for nine fucking years. I wanted to say we did it. But I didn't do it. He did it. But that's what a fan is.

And that's when I started looking at sports and going, what I want to be a fan of. Like, I want to fucking invest in something emotionally. I want to be investing them. And it's so cool to go to an airport bar and go, hey, you guys got the Rams game on? And someone goes, oh, you're like, yeah, or whatever the team. For a long time when I was on the road a lot, I was always a fan of the Cowboys,

only because they were played everywhere. And I wanted to be a fan of something. And so I'd go, you guys got the Cowboys game on, and you'd always find someone in the airport bar, and I'd like, love the Cowboys. And so when the Rams came, my wife's like, we're going to be fans. I was like, all right, I watched Hard Knocks that year.

I couldn't really fall in love with golf, a parent-in-law lot. But, like, Stafford, I love that kid. Seems like a fucking, he seems like the kind of guy I would have liked to have played a sport with. You know, like, just like, Wiffleball. He seems like a kind of guy that would be like, no, no, no, no. Streetlights are coming on.

My mom hasn't said anything. Let's go. Like, I love that energy, right? And I found Hecker. It is so fun to be a fan of a punner because they come up so often. And when you got a guy like Hecker, I would make arguments that he was the MVP of the Rams

every year because of the position he would put them in. The reason they were good, I'm not even fucking around. The reason the Rams were good were not all the standouts. It was Johnny Hecker. He would consistently put them within five yards every time he punted. He would put them on their fucking asses. So the defense was given such a head start every time they were playing. Consistently.

I mean, if you look at his stats, I guarantee you can pull him up and you'd be like, his stats are through the fucking roof. A guy knows placement on a fucking bar. ball. Yeah. And it was so fun because he'd come out and me and my buddy

Eric Cruz and be like, it's our guy! And it was like not everyone roots for a punter. We made it so much fun to root for a punter. And then when he got traded, I got so bummed.

I was like, where do you go? They fucking got him, moved him. He's in a free agency now. Will you guys look up where he's at? Yeah. But it's,

but having, being a fan of a team is so much fun. Because I think, I think as players, you lose that. Like, you lose the understanding of,

like when I grew up, I was never a fan of sports teams. I was like a fan of John Elway and the Broncos when they were good in like 97, 98, whatever that was. How great. How great. I mean, for two seconds, how great were early, I mean, for me,

I was in Florida Sunday nights when the sun was setting over Myahe Stadium and it was the two minute morning and Elway was taking them down the field. And your mom was like, hey, dinner's ready. You're like, one second, mom, one second. That energy of John Wellewey, those Sunday nights of the fucking two minutes, There's three points down, and Elway's got the ball on the 11, and he's like, and he's in the shotgun, and you're like, fucking, that made, that made your Monday, because you show up at school and be like, did you see fucking the Broncos?

And it seemed like every, him and the only guy ever compared to John Elway to was Charlie Ward. Charlie Ward, when he touched the ball playing for FSU, every time you knew he was going to succeed. Webb's when we won the national championship. Third and 17, you're like, Charlie Ward's got this. That guy was so fucking money every time he fucking touched the ball. But that energy, that's fucking, I said to my daughter, and, you know, it's funny. You can't appreciate it if you're not a fan. This last, this last playoff run was so fun because every game in the last minute was changing back and forth.

The playoffs were insane this year. And I brought my daughter's down and I go, this is why you watch the whole game. This is why you watch football. This is why you pick a team. I go, this energy, it's Sunday, the fucking suns setting. You got a cold beer. The fucking, we don't know what's going to happen. And, oh, my God.

And my daughter's just, they were like, I don't get it. And I was like, uh, I should have had boys. Should have had boys? You can fires you up on the fan. Yeah, for real. Talking with Mike Studd and we were talking on like a different level of, being fans. Mike was basically on the game plan of like, you need to live your life.

Let me. We'll need to live their own lives. No, no, no. And not do that. Let me tell you. No, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Um, um, um, I'm, I'm, I'm, pop, pop, like, uh, uh, Roger Steveer for the Buffalo Bills.

Stefan Diggs. No, no, no, no, no. The white boy? Gabe Davis, Gabe Davis. Cole Beasley? You want to talk about how fun this is? Check this out. Gabe Davis.

Gabe Davis tweets, type in two bears, one cave. Gabe Davis tweets a picture of his cleats. DWO. Yeah. Two as in... Three? So Gabe Davis gets these cleats made, right?

Oh, that's fire, dude. He makes, my buddy, Massey, he makes, he makes our two Barry's shoe. He makes these for Gabe Davis, right? Check the date on this. I'm only because I think you'll figure out when, when this was. No. So, he makes these shoes. I guess you wear them in warm-ups.

It's a warm-up shoe. I'm not really sure how shoes work. You can wear, like, my collars, my cleat, but I don't think those are my cause. Right. You can wear those for, like, warm-ups before a game, but then you have to put on other shoes. So he wears them, he wears them. we watched the game and Tom and I are like fucking Gabe Davis dude how fucking cool is this the next game he goes and has one of the most spectacular performances of his career I would

argue who went off against the Chiefs yes and then they end up losing but he has a spectacular fucking yes I didn't see this holy shit I didn't I haven't seen this but but he has four TDs for Buffalo and me and Tom had just become fans of his the week before, right? He's now our guy. He made cleats with our faces on it. Tom's like, you know Gabe Davis? I was like, fuck, no, I don't fucking know anything.

And he's like, dude, the guy made cleats with us. And we're like, fuck. So we're watching that week. He's a good game. The next week, Tom scoffs me, dude, Gabe Davis is going off. And we're like, fuck. Now it's our guy. And we're fucking losing it.

And that energy, it's only akin to gambling. Like when gambling, when you put money on a game, it makes the game so much more fun. The only thing better than that is to have a guy you're invested in. And to be texting with a friend, like, dude, Gabe Davis is going off. Shut the fuck up. Everyone's texting me. Eric Gruson, you see Gabe Davis out there? Everyone's talking about Gabe Davis.

And we're fans of his now. And we're watching it and you're, that energy. What, when, how often in the day do you, how often in anyone's day thinking right now? No sports. Can't talk about sports right now. How often do you go sit in your couch go, fuck yeah? Never. Never.

Like, never. You get your, even when your wife tells you're pregnant, it's not that energy of when Gabe Davis scores a touchdown. Right. Like, it's just like, oh, quick, it's right for I'm in a baby. But when, how often do you get to go, fuck, God damn it, go, go, go. Like with that energy, you get that when you're a fucking fan.

When you're a fucking fan... He's selling me, Willie. Selling me, dude. When you're a fan, okay? I'll tell you, I'll tell you, Anthony Jesselnik. I'm a fan of Anthony Jesselniks, right? Anthony Jesselick does its last special, and he opens with the best joke I've ever heard

in my fucking life. In my life. I'm going to tell you the joke. I'm sorry, Anthony. I know I'm raping it. You want to play it real quick? Yeah, see if you have it. Anthony Jesselnik.

We just might as well just keep this energy going. But this energy, so I'm a fan of Anthony's. I love Anthony. He's the greatest guy. And he tells the joke, opening joke of a spell. My favorite thing on a good special is you tell me a fucking joke. You tell me a fucking joke. I don't want to hear where you're sitting.

I don't want to hear the city you're in. I don't want to hear about them. I want you to tell me a joke. That's when I know you're doing it right. And that's me, that's my role. That's my role. Anthony Justin tells a joke. You come out, you don't say, hey, welcome.

Hey, New York. Thank you. I don't go, Philly. Like, I go up and I, I mean, I try to have my first 10 words. Move the mice and say, all right. Ten first words, there's a joke coming out of my mouth. Yeah. You don't care anything, but drink in and telling secrets.

Secret time, sometimes when I wipe my ass, I spin it on the toilet paper. It's called a Mississippi Wet Wipe, Secret Time. Secret Time, sometimes I get a shower, I dry my ass on the bed. Boom, secret time. But see your time. When My phone is an orgasm, she looks like Elvis. Errrr, sure time. All right, and then we're in, right?

Three jokes. Right there. Boom, boom, boom. And I hope that the feeling I give you is if you're a phantom mine, you go, boom, Bert did it again. Come on, we got a good special. Honey, hit pause. Get a cocktail. Let's light it up. Turn the lights down. Fuck, you know what? Let's save this. Save this

for tonight, late night. That's what I want when you watch my special. Anthony Jesselick tells his first fucking joke. Did you find it? Don't worry. I'm going to tell you the joke. He says, my friend's married. My friend is married to a woman.

Oh, yep, this is it. This is the best fucking joke. Turn it up. This is the... The best friend's wife is a born again, Chris. Hit pause, hit pause, hit pause. Ladies gentlemen, I know we're interrupting again. And it's fucking pissing everybody off, but here's the deal.

If it's Tuesday and you're watching part one. If it's Thursday and you're watching part two, right now, in between those two, right here, like my noses. Merch is dropping. We got hats. We got T-shirts. We got everything is dropping on our website. It's new.

It's beautiful. You're going to love it. Please enjoy the rest of the show, whether it's, you can buy this tomorrow or you could have bought this yesterday. Please enjoy the rest of the show. Love you so much. Big Hug, Signed, Sine of Kisses. this you got to put in context the special opens ladies and gentlemen anthony jessonick we are talking 10 seconds into the special he tells this joke right right his best friend's wife's a morning and christian hit play i hit pause i go make a cocktail i got something to do for the next hour yeah because he's my guy i like i love i love being a fan of something and it's and it's the coolest thing to hear your perspective because you guys are so into weeds on it but like it's the dude i mean you guys

have so many fans of this podcast that when they watch you on the weekend, they're seeing so much more than you think. They're seeing so much more. And that's why I think, and when we get back to the very beginning of this podcast, you're like, what got you to this podcast? It was that I'm seeing a different side of two guys that I would normally see. Same with Pat McAfee. I'm seeing a different side of them. They're opening up a part of their personality that they wouldn't, they're only sharing with their teammates and their family. They're sharing it with us. And it's like, holy shit, man, that's cool as fuck. Like, and that's when I say they get it.

It's like, you have no idea, like, what a connection you have with the people watching this. You're, you, you guys drop names casually because you know them. But everyone else is like, oh, shut, shut the fuck up. For real? Yeah. Like, it's my favorite thing about, about life is, for real, is getting into something, really getting into it. Like, whether it be watches or Bull Mastiff's or, or. or cars, or getting into it, getting passion.

It's why we started Two Bears Racing. Because Tom is so into racing and I thought, Passion B gets passion. You talk to Tom about, when I talk about Tom that race car, you know the first person he called? His racing coach. Not his wife, his racing coach. And said, look what I got for my birthday. It's like a child. Yeah.

I was like, fuck yeah, man. It's awesome. And then he called me that night and he goes, hey, I'm with my boys. Can you send me some pictures of the car? I don't have any on my phone. I want to show them what I got. And I hear them, fat sticks, send pictures now. They call me fat sticks.

Yeah. And so I send, I send pictures. And, but that, but Tom's a fan of racing. He loves that shit. So to watch that kind of swell in him, it's fun to see.

And it's fun to be a part of, man. And that's when I, we'll go back to the old school Rogan, is you'd hit up just fans of the podcast and you just talk about shit you like talking about, you know? It's the coolest thing. I love being a fan.

And I'm glad I found you guys to be a fan of. God, that's fucking, dude, you fired us up like nothing other just now. No, well, That was unbelievable. That was unreal. Because there's so many people that take that for granted, us included. Absolutely, we take that for granted.

We don't know because you're so conditioned to focus on the next thing, next thing, next thing, all the time that you forget to be present where you're at. Yeah, my wife gave me a great quote one time about, because there's a, you can get focused on that. And you also get focused on humility and like, I don't want to, I don't want to flash too much or whatever. I don't want to, you know, live my life too bright or whatever. and my wife gave me a great quote and I read it to Ari Sheffir

because Ari's always about like not putting your life out on Instagram like do you know who Jack Whitehall is? He's a comedian. He's very talented. He did a show on Netflix called Traveling with My Father. I think it's really good. Dude I looked at his Instagram today.

I pull up his Instagram and I know I know him like I think I've met him and we've whatever. I looked at his Instagram and I was like I want to be. him go scroll down of like like like look at it there's him at the super bowl like everything he does look at him and his chick his chick is one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen in my fucking life

and like he just lives this really cool life and he and what he's doing is he's allowing himself to shine and not being humble or being like he's like this is what i do this is my life and this is my authentic representation of it as a dude sitting on a tour bus throwing up in his throat last night all night i was my new thing i was sitting there and i was like god damn it man I fucking like Jack. And he's funny as fucking shit. He's a fucking hilarious comic. And I was like, I like him.

I'm going to follow him. I don't even know if he follows me. I'm going to follow him. And man, I hope I get to meet him. Like, he seems like a really cool dude. But that's all that, you know, it's all that being a fan is. And then when he sells his next book, I'm going to be like, oh, get it. Like Colin Quinn writes a book.

I buy it. I love Colin Quinn. Really? Yeah. That's unbelievable, dude. What are a unique perspective to have on something from somebody that has done so much and has lots of fans? Oh. Yeah, thank you.

I think that's one of the things that I'm very accessible, like I'm way too accessible. And I think one of the reasons is is because I see myself as them in the audience because that would be me. It was me. I would go see comics. Like the place I'm performing at tonight, the Ryman,

I was at probably seven years ago. And I watched Larry the Cable Guy and Angela Johnson there. Me, Nate Bargatzi, and Ari Shafir went and watched them. And I had a very different perspective than both of those guys. Nate's was, I mean this respect for. but Nate's was, I'll be here one day. Nate very confidently knows how talented he is. I don't mean that he's not arrogant.

Right. He knows he is extremely talented and he knows he's not dirty. And he knows that he really knows everyone should like him. He knows that. And he's not wrong. Everyone should like Nate Bargazzi. He is fucking undeniable. He is hilarious.

Ari's perspective is, I'll never perform here. That was Ari's perspective. my perspective was Why do you think his was like that? That's not me. Oddly enough, Ari performed there the other night. Really? Yeah, oddly enough.

But Ari just was like, don't care about it. Don't need it. It's not me. It's not my books. Don't care. Don't need money. Don't need fame. Don't need fans.

Don't need anything. All I want to do is comedy. Don't give a fuck about any of the trappings. That's Ari. I don't give a fuck about it. I just not on my radar. Really? And I sat there and I thought,

I thought, how do I get here? Like, I remember thinking, I wonder if I will perform here. And then I remember like meeting Angela. Angela Johnson has this great nail salon bit that like made her really famous. And I remember saying to God, I was like, God, give me one bit. I'll milk it for my, if you're telling me that the only way I get here is I got to tell the machine story at the end of the show in a fucking heartbeat.

I get to do an hour from my original material and then tell the machine, give it to me. Then we go backstage, me Larry the cable guy. Larry the cable guy is like, hey, let's have a beer and bullshit. I want to talk comedy. But I got a private jet to cash. And I was like, can you imagine getting on a private jet after a show at the Ryman? And then I come here and I do one show at the Grand Ole Opry, two at the Ryman. Next time I'll be at the fucking Bridgestone.

And private jets are, and then I go, man, I think if I didn't appreciate, for me, if I was the negative guy or if I was, for me, if I was confident, I would never have gotten there. I need to really appreciate the moment and go, I'll do whatever I can to get here. I can see it from this side of the fence right now. Like, I'm at, like, do you ever see, like, guys that, I don't know, A, A, D, is that his name? A. B? A. B. I don't know him. Antonio Brown?

I don't know him. He strikes me as someone who maybe takes some stuff for granted. And I look at someone like myself who made success later in his career, where I go, I'll never take anything for granted. Like, and I know guys that got success. that's very early on. And they took it for granted, and then they just kind of went away.

And I imagine that would be what you guys see in the NFL. It was like dudes who have been in the hustle all the time, always struggling to make sure they make the team, always struggling, always training, always trying to make sure that they make the cut and they never take it for granted. Like that's what I, and I think that's the closest thing I am to that

and that comes from the fan shit, you know? Really? Yeah, yeah. I was, dude, I told you. I was at the bottom of my career. Tom was making more money than I was. I was fucking, I didn't have any tour dates and I had to figure it out on my own. And trust me, what I say, there's a thing called Survivor's Remorse.

It's meant for like guys to go to war and they come home and lay in their pool and they have a hard time enjoying it because they remember all the guys that didn't get to come home and go in the pool. Well, you can get that. You probably can get it in the NFL. I'm certain you can. I'm certain you can. And I know you can get it in comedy. Because when I was dead and I wasn't going anywhere and I was like, I don't know how.

how I'm going to fucking make money in this business. I would be at the store and you'd watch people talk to you and go like this. Like look over your shoulder and you'd be in the middle of sentence and they'd be like, oh, hey, Chris Rock, what's up? And then just leave you in the middle of sentence and you'd be like, I guess I have no currency with this person. I'm not famous. I remember that happening to me a lot.

And then you pop and you become the guy to everyone, everyone looks you in the eye. And you see them talk to your buddy, who you were always here and here with. They're talking to them. And then they do it for you. and you go, oh, fuck, man, I was that guy a year ago. Now I'm this guy, but I could have always been this guy. That guy was my career.

And so I'm sure you guys have to see that in the NFL, but we see it in comedy. It's like people look past you all the time. It's Hollywood. They don't give a fuck. Yeah, anything that has to do with like celebrity status. Yeah. Anything that puts you where people want to be you,

100% that happens all the time. Yeah. Like Derek Henry. If Derek Henry's walking behind me or running back, whoever I'm talking to is, no longer interested what I'm talking to them about. They are on him. AJ, Ryan, like, it's,

it's really like that. But how do you think when you were at that point in your life where it's like, all right, Tom's doing so much better than I am, I'm getting paid 2,000 things. You're doing a lot of stuff, but there's not a lot coming from it. Like, what changes, like, dramatic changes did you have to make, like, right away that someone who's listening could be like, that's what I got to do.

Oh, oh, I'll tell you, I said this to someone, said this is someone the other day. They were, they're like, what am I doing wrong that you didn't do? And I said, first of all, you're with me. Like, I would never have been with me. I would have, I would have, I never turned my fucking brain off. I was obsessed. I was obsessed about every aspect of stand-up comedy.

I was obsessive about jokes. I was obsessive about stage time. I was obsessive about content. I was obsessive about ideas. I would, and I, and I, and I, and I, the other thing is, I didn't listen to anyone. I started listening to myself. Perfect example. I wanted to do a dance video. I wanted to do a dance challenge for sober October one year. And Rogan was like, I think it's stupid. And then Ari and Tom were like, yeah, I don't want to do it. And I was like, okay. And I was like, I still think it's a good idea.

So I took dance lessons from a hip hop dancer. And I did a dance video. And I promoted my tour dates on the side. And I sold out every show immediately at his second shows, sold out all of them. I was obsessed with it. I was just like, yeah, this is the video. I did this video. And this is an interesting story is that I was obsessed about selling tickets. Yeah. This is a positive quick.

I was obsessed with selling tickets. And I just wouldn't stop thinking. I had a million ideas. And I never sat back and enjoyed the roses and smelled them. I just was going like, I got a tour coming up. How do I sell tickets? And I was like, it's got to, it's got to be something. It can't just be like, hey guys, because hey guys, I got a brand new tour.

I go, I want to, I want to razzle-dazzle it. I want to, so I reached out this girl, my daughter and I liked her dancing, D-Glazer. And my daughters and I would pass video, she'd great dancer. I said, hey, how much would it cost for you to coach me in dancing? She goes, $1,200 bucks. I said, great. So we went, we designed a dance, we did a dance. We shot this in two takes.

I posted it. And it went, it blew up. And immediately, my, my, my, my, my agent called me and he goes, we just sold out your whole tour. It was like 15 minutes after I posted it. It's like fucking 600,000 views. 15 minutes after, I mean, like, took off.

He's like, we sold out your whole tour. We're adding second shows. Second shows sell out the next day. He goes, hey, we're going to add third shows, four shows. We add third and four shows. Go ahead and play the video. It's just very simple. The best part of this video,

the best part of this video is Tom sees it. Bro, Tom's a club. like is so funny. And so Tom does this. Tom, I tell, you know, Tom and I share everything.

I tell him, I said, yeah, I sold out all my tour dates. And he was like, you fucking serious? I was like, yeah,

sold out everything. Oh, all the dates rolling at the end of this. So all the things. And he was like, huh. So Tom

spends $60,000. This is the, when I say, you don't know a problem spending money, making this video. Oh, I put this,

put it, I gotta hear it. There's no music right now. Oh, hit pause so a fucking two weeks before this video comes out he says to me hey man I want to change up our profile picture

online is it cool we're both gonna do this is it cool if this guy Rami shoots some pictures of your face and I was like yeah sure and he goes all right cool so I go out and I stand up this thing and they don't even put a mic they put a mic on me it's not even connected to anything I didn't even notice and he goes all right look sad and I'm like and they look like you got stabbed I'm like

I do all the fucking deep fake for this. You did all of it. Without knowing I was doing it for him. And I did all of it. I sat there for an hour doing all these faces, thinking we're doing promos for two bears. And then he fucking plays it for me. I go, you fucking cunt.

I go, that is me. I did all these like, and so that's me. It's someone else's body with my face on it. Sold out everything. He did not. Sold out. Everything.

Everything. immediately. Holy shit, dude, that's fucking hilarious. But it's like that's when, you know, obviously, you know, when I was at that point, I remember being like, everything was, it cannibalized my life a little bit, but I was like

everything is about this business. Everything's about this career. Everything's about everything. I'm never turning it off. I'm only thinking about ideas and how can I make things better and focusing on my podcast. And I was doing it all myself too, making videos, editing videos,

promo videos. Like, I was exhausting to my daughters. I did this video. I'd, like, come up to him and be like, I've, they sell. I have this one video. I don't see if you can type in Bert American Flag. But I came out, I mean, this is like, right after school, I'm like, everyone's up doing homework. George, I need you to operate a drone.

Ila, I need you to hold an air blower. Leanne, I need you to put the hose on mist. And then Georgia, pull the drone back, and then rise up, and then we'll put tour dates. and my kids are like, are you fucking kidding me? That's fucking wild. It's American, I mean, I just, it was, but I was obsessed with it. And I think once you be, that's not it.

But once you become obsessed with it, I mean, it's the only way to succeed, I think, is you have to be obsessed with it. It has to be everything in your life. And either whether there's writing jokes or promoting tour dates or thinking about things that would pop, I think you've got to be obsessed with it. And if you're not... How does your family life go when you're that obsessed with it? I don't know.

it was kind of like it was good I guess I mean I'm certain we pay I'm certain I'm fucking paid for it but like there were like there were times it was fun like I had to promote tour dates in in Australia and so I got a big inflatable thing and I was like I'll do a thing where I fly down the inflatable thing and I fall off and then and then I'll kill a beer and all to have the kids going Ozzie Ozzie ooi oh and I was like I did that and I sold out Australia but like yeah yeah but it was like it was about

coming up with promos constantly like the Body shots tour is this is a great one. This is at a fucking, this is with all our families. We should be having dinner together. I put them all in all the kids in my tour shirts. And then I just got on roller skates. My wife's shooting it out of the back of a truck. My buddy Stephen Frumkin's driving.

Sold it out. And so, but it's like, but imagine how what it's like to go to dinner with dad over your friend's house. And I've got to speed on roller skates. And I'm like, hey, everyone, put on these shirts. Get on your skateboards. Get on your bikes. Let's do it. and the kids loved it.

The kids were, I mean, the kids were always game. I love here low-key pulling away from everybody, too. That kid on the skateboard was next to you when it started. Yeah. Getting high. So I, but I was obsessed with it. And I'm still obsessed with it, you know? Like, we're going out.

I'm doing, I haven't announced it yet, but I'm doing Red Rocks again. I haven't announced it. I guess I did announce it right now. But, uh, yeah, and so, and so I'm flying from Columbus on Sunday out to Red Rocks to shoot promos out at Red Rocks and then hanging out in Colorado and shooting some shit in Colorado so that I have promos to promote Red Rocks. You know, that's where my head's at. And it's like, I remember feeling guilty

because I was like, I'm always working. And I remember sitting on a plane next to a dad that was like, hey, bro, I'm in the military. I was Afghanistan for two fucking years. I think we're good. And I was like, oh, yeah, certain dads just give up their life to fucking, I mean, that's what you got to do.

You got to work. You know, and I'm cool with my kids and my wife. We're all cool. They get it. But their dad leaves for a month. I saw him the other night. I said, I'm out for a month.

I love you guys. And they're like, I love you too. And you just go for a month. And you're on the road. You're on tour. You're in a bus. You're partying. You fucking come home.

You get like, I'm come home. Maybe sometime within there. I'll go to fucking Portugal or Lithuania. Go take some guys on a trip. Ooh, JFK. And then. Where's that at? New York.

That's it. Oh, boy. And then, you know, by the way, if we do this, if we do this and you guys go to, you know, big cat's going to be like, what the fuck, dude? Oh, yeah. What am I? What am I? What am I?

What about the girl? For real? Yeah. There's been a situation with Big Cat. There's a group chat with me, Will, and Big Cat in it. And I don't know how it really began, but we were trying to sell like for the boys' t-shirts, like Michigan and Nebraska. And Michigan was playing Wisconsin, which is where Big Cat wins or loves.

And I was like, hey, if Michigan wins, you have to buy like 20 of these shirts, something small. You went and tried to get Dave Portnoy to help promote Michigan shirts. And Dave, Dave, they ghosted me. Yeah, I went around to Big Cat. We're trying to be. We're trying to sell things that they're going to make money on. Dave just did not respond to my text. Dave's a Michigan guy.

Big Cat, he's Wisconsin, but I tried in going to get Big Cat because Big Cat will respond. Dave will. We'll play chess a lot better than me. But I thought if I can get one tweet from Dave, I'm going to fucking sell these things out, no problem. So Wisconsin gets donkeyed by Michigan. And so we're in this group chat now, like,

hey, you got to pay, blah, blah, blah. And Big Cat decides in his mind I'm no longer a part of the group chat. So he responds to Will being, hey, Will you tell Taylor that I'll buy the shirts, you know, I'm not happy we lost. I'm in the group chat. And so now I'm like trying to figure out a way to like be a part of the conversation.

Yeah, be a part of the conversation while like he's just blatantly ignoring me. And I'll be like, hey, Big Cat can, like, we're cool, right? Or whatever. I never said that. But like, I would say something like that. And Big Cat would be like, hey, Will, I'm sure Taylor's wondering if we're cool. Like, we're definitely not.

You know what I'm saying? like that. Taylor would text me on the side. Big Ken would take a screenshot, but hey, Will, Taylor's trying to text me on the side.

I said, yeah, because I would text him on the side. If I pulled up my phone of just me and Big Cat, it would be me texting him and no responses

because then he would screenshot and put it in the group chat at Will. Oh, that's fucking great. So we have Mike, just Mike, no longer Mike Stud on the podcast and he's talking about,

um, yeah, you got this. There it is. There it is. I'm like overweight. So Will Chorbson, that's literally, that's the clip. That's literally the clip.

And so, Big Cat makes this, this fucking picture that's like, obviously Photoshop, like his head, Will's head in my head. And it's like Big Cat no longer friends with Will Compton, best friends with, like, Taylor Law. Yeah, like, I'll never forget this. He'll never forget this. And he texts me and he's like, hey, I think you and I, it's like time for us to team up, basically fuck Will. And so I hit him back.

I go, hey, Will, um. Tell Big Cat. Tell Big Cat. Yeah. Tell Big Cat. If you're worried, if he's upset with you that we're not cool, like, we're, I don't want to be friends with him anymore. So my dad's right. The last fucking two days, 48 hours, has been Big Cat doing so many things.

Literally were, it's me and Will, just talking to group chat without Big Cat now. Yeah. Big Cat has said, talk about our day to day. Big Cat goes, I'll kill myself if you guys keep doing this. We keep doing this. Big Cat texting goes, hey, this is Big Cat's son. What did I find? My dad hanging.

Will explains. Will explain it's the Big Cat's son And then Big Cat's son responds with Did you guys kill my dad? We keep going And then Big Cat Big Cat goes off Big Cat says

He goes, hey, this is Big Cat's Ghost Like I just want you guys to know we're cool I'm not gonna haunt you guys for eternity Or something like that And it's fucking hilarious dude It was fucking hilarious What was that? Cool I ended up texting Taylor

We're all this is all in the group chat And by the end of the night I just text Taylor. He goes, did you guys kill my dad? Did you guys kill my dad? I'm not even three. Like Big Cats playing like his son. And I just text.

I go, Taylor, I tried texting him. He's doing this thing where he acts like his two-year-old son is texting. I'm just going to give him time. Dude's in a weird headspace right now. And he keeps trying to tag. And because at the beginning, he goes, he goes, Taylor. He goes, Taylor, I'd like to speak with you again. I think the tide is turning.

There's someone else on this chain that I will be squeezing out. Old school Big Ten guys. None of the new expanses and shit. back to our roots. I just put interesting. That's when Taylor goes, Will, can you please tell Big Cat when you see him that if he's looking

to fix our relationship after your comms today, I'm no longer interested. And then that's when the whole chain goes. Big Cat wakes up this morning. He's like, guys, apologies accepted. One team, one heartbeat. We're all on crew now.

So Will and I have made the decision that Will and I are no longer texting each other like whatever. We're using our group chat with Big Cat, but we're just going to ignore the big cat in the whole time. Oh, that's fucking great. It's fucking been a hilarious.

How much fun would it be? to find out all the group chats with all the fucking different people. Meaning like, what's George Clooney's group chat? Like, you know he's got an Ocean's 11 group chat. Oh, he's got to have one, yeah. Probably called Ocean 11. Ocean's 11.

Yeah. No, it's probably something way cooler, dude. They were in fucking Palm Springs or Joshua Tree and they did fucking peyote. And there's a cool name that they all fucking saw. Who do you think Tom Brady's group chats are? Him, Gronk Edelman. him, Gron Kettleman.

I would say off the top of my head, that would be it. I bet you, but I bet you there's another one with Tom and Vrable are Titans Head Coach. Yeah, we have. And I don't know. I don't know who else would be in a street chat. Manager says got to wrap up soon. Who's manager? Whoever your manager might be.

My manager. What time is it? What time is it? Oh, man, maybe. Holy shit. Maybe I do have to do a show tonight. What? What type of a show?

Seven. Seven o'clock? Yeah. I got to wear a new... Riemann, like, that's fucking huge. Yeah, yeah. I got a show in an hour, 47 minutes. I mean, I'm sure it's the same as sports as you go.

I'm ready for it. Yeah, no. And when you play sports, you're literally thinking yourself, what if this happens, what if that happens? Because it's not like... I think the biggest difference is, it's like you're going against yourself. Pull up a picture of the Titans coach.

Mike Vrable? Yeah. So I can look for him. Okay. Oh, cool. Yeah, easy. Yeah, you'll be able to tell to him right away. He's a little thicker now than he is in that photo. Apparently, someone, Coach of the Year,

someone told me, someone told me he's coming to the show, first show at the Ryman. And they're like, his wife's a fan of yours, and they're coming to the show. He uses his wife as a fan for everything. Yeah. Yeah, he'll tell us that he, like, he doesn't use Twitter. I wanted to tell him, feel free to come backstage,

but I don't, you know, I don't. Also, it's like, Maybe guys like that don't want to be noticed. They just want to just do something regular. No, he wants to be noticed. He wants, he wants you. He wants you to somehow reach out and be like, hey, if you guys want to come backstage you and I would love to meet you guys.

But it might be wrong. I might be like... He'll be like... Text him and let him know. Text him if he... Can you text him? I don't want to, but I will. Do it in our group chat daily.

If he's coming to my show, he can come back to stage. If I wanted us... We wanted us to let you know. By the way, I'd love. if he wrote back, who the fuck's Bert? Yeah. And, like, it's the offensive coordinator. Okay, hold on.

I get a lot of offensive coordinators. Bert wanted us to let you know what, that you can come backstage tonight? Bert wanted us to tell you, to let you know. If he's coming to the show, come backstage. Yeah, if he's going to show tonight, you can come backstage. But also, he didn't want to. Okay, hold on.

But also. If you're coming to the show tonight. I hope he writes back, who's Bert? It's a, I'm a, I get, like. As long as you're cool. He said, but also he didn't want to. us to give you his number because he keeps that stuff private.

Oh, shut up. Don't do that to me. We have to. He'll know, like, we're fucking with him. He'll text us about something on Twitter all the fucking time. Really? And he'll act like it's Jen, his social media

manager, like, oh, Jen, she shows me these tweets. And he's fucking lying. Like, I sat with him in a meeting one time, and this motherfucker's just scrolling on Instagram. Be like, hey, check out this. Like, it's, it was during an offensive meeting. But the dude loves social media. He loves bantering with the boys. He's all time. You'd love him.

Look, this is him chirping me on fucking on social media. That's fucking great. Yeah, he's hilarious. He's hilarious, but he's also like, he comes for blood on his chirps. Yeah. Like when you're... A Ohio guy, tough guy. Let's say we all got super close to three of us.

And eventually he'd be like, oh, you're a piece of shit. No, you're a piece of shit. And we'd, like, joke and, like, be able to jab deeper. Yeah. With Rabel, because there's, like, an authoritative figure with him, he's my boss or was Will's boss. When we start chirping him, he comes in with a haymaker and you can't one up eventually. Eventually you can't do anything about it. Yeah.

Yeah. Like look, the fucking other one. One of the quotes I've always remembered from Coach Rable was the great ones to make it look easy. And then he fucking, I hope you didn't think I was talking about you when I said that. Oh, I love this guy.

Oh, I texted him. He does go for the throat, though. You got to come correct. It's much better being his buddy now than it is his fucking player. Yeah. Yeah, you two are boys. Yeah. Will and Ravers are fucking boys.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. They've gotten real close. I tell you what, dude, this has been When we found out you were coming on the pod When we found out you were coming to the pod, we're like, fuck yeah, dude, Brooke Crush's coming on the pod This is gonna be fucking awesome.

Today we called each other, hey, big day, Big Day for the Boys, we've been tweeting today, hey, big day for the boys. So it's my whole body in the shower. Yeah, I'll see. One, three, one, two, three, one, two, three. Yeah, right? And there's obviously a whole lot of expectations, but there's one point, I'm sure you had it in the middle of the day

where you're like, man, I hope it goes as well as we think it's going to go. And it truly exceeded expectations. No, for real? I had it. Dude, it's been awesome. It was, we had this thing called Mount Bushmore. Yeah. Mount Busmore. I couldn't wait to, remember when you tweeted? Bushmore? Yeah.

I thought I was a hate it. Yeah, Bussmore. So anyway, this is definitely one of those episodes. Oh, thank you. This is definitely one of those. You're just so personalable. Yeah. Your stories and like your perspective and like Bussmore. Sounds gay, but like being where your feet are, like appreciating.

appreciating like where you came from and like understand like y'all I'm gonna soak up all these moments I don't know I really fuck with your perspective I appreciate it man thank you yeah I feel like I keep saying my thing I say is like make hey while the sun shines and as I go I'm healthy right now I got my blood work back I'm good it's the first thing you say when you walked in yeah oh you think bro did you see his take on Sunday conversations oh yeah no I'll tell you yeah well yeah was that one take that beautiful thing you talked about

drinking I was telling I told this to someone the other day Sunday conversation That was hilarious. Yeah, it was one take. But it's so funny. Do you guys know who Patty Pimbledon is? Yeah, yeah, the fighter. Yeah, Patty the Batty. Okay, yeah, I did.

And I made that speech and it started, like, people started sending around. I was like, God damn it, I called my shot. You know, it's like when he goes, scouses don't get knocked out. All anyone's waiting is for him to get knocked out. Like, oh, come on. What are you going to say? Do you know they're going to go, it turns out? Scoucesters get knocked out.

As soon as I did this, I will never stop party. And then all of a sudden I'm like, because I'm getting ready to go to the doctor, I'm sitting there going, did I just do my scousers don't get knocked out? Yeah. I'll never quit partying. Fuck, imagine.

I always stay healthy enough. And then all of a sudden they're like, your liver's failing. And I'm like, motherfucker. Scousers don't get knocked out. I think it's crazy too. Like you were talking about that Sunday conversation

the way he painted beautifully like, God, it was beautiful. You want to just to fuck up too. Dude, I love it. He said the fan, the fan story. The same thing. Just the elite storyteller, honestly. Hey, we can legit do a cut up.

like that, by the way, like Sunday the conversation did, when you were talking about being a fan waking up, how many times left do you get to go? I'll tell you what now. I'm saying. I believe this. It's the thing that people listen to this podcast will really relate to, is that, because I'm the same as they are. Is it like, dude, like

if you guys, if, like, remember when McAfee went over to Monday Night Football? And you were like, fuck yeah. Yeah. Our guy made it. Our guy made it. Like, fuck yeah. Like, those, that's, I mean, that's the thing that people, you know, the same thing with drinking is like, Not everyone's going to be Rogan and fucking, or David Goggins and run, or Cam Haynes or fucking Jesse Sweets or Ceciler.

They're not going to be these guys, but they're definitely going to have drinks on Friday. Yeah. And they're going to need something to fucking fire him up for. And I didn't, I didn't mean to say that that way, but he came out. And I was like, fucking. Oh, yeah. Do you guys want on Moses? Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's going to be one of those kind of days. Yeah. That's so fucking awesome. Great fucking podcast, longest podcast we've ever done by far. For real? Yeah. Oh, by far. Subscribe.

Subscribe. We'll go out. We just come out. Probably next week. We got to run this thing up. Well, hey, do me in favor. Go to fully loaded festival.com. I'm putting on a tour.

It's going to be about 12 comics per show. David Tell, Mark Norman, Big J. O'Crison, Shane Gillis, Joey Diaz, Nikki Glazer, Taylor Tomlinson, Fortune Feimster. We're adding more. We're doing minorly. stadiums, arenas, and amphitheaters for two weeks in June, the middle two weeks in June, go to fully loaded festival.

It's going to be huge. We're also, I mean, the offer is going to be out to, if people want to come out of a podcast, we have so much town out there that I was going to say, you know, I think the Trash Tuesday girls are going to come out for like a day and bang out a bunch of podcasts. So if you guys want to come out and do some podcasts, I mean, legit, the talent that's out there, I mean, I know how much it costs. It's hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars. I'm put the festival together myself.

I'm paying everyone. Let's go, boss. You guys come out, pick a date. We're going to do a big one. We're doing South Bend. Shane Gillis is obsessed with Notre Dame. So we're doing a whole day for him in Notre Dame. And so if you guys want to come out to any of the dates, let me know.

Do you know when the dates exactly are? Yeah. You can July 18th, June 18th. June 18th. And then Cinco de Mayo, I'm at the Greek. And then I'll have it announced. I already announced Red Rock, so I just don't know what day it is. All right.

Go to burr-burburth.com to get your tickets, everybody. Burr-Berburd.com. Let's fucking go, man. Fuck yeah. Outstanding. Outstanding. Subscribe. Subscribe.

Hey, guys, it's us. The Jonas Brothers. I'm Joe. I'm Kevin. And I'm Nick. And guess what? We created our own podcast called, hey, Jonas. We invented a podcast?

Well, we didn't invent it. We just contributed to it. We're the first people to do podcasts. We get to ask other people questions because we're sick and tired of being asked questions. Well, sick and tired is a strong way to put it, but, you know, tired and sick. Tired and sick. Listen to Hey Jonas on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Just listen. We don't care where you hear it.

Another podcast from some SNL late night comedy guy, not quite. Unhumor me with Robert Smigel and friends. Me and hilarious guests from Bob Odenkirk to David Letterman help make you funnier. This week, my guest, SNL's Mikey Day and head writer, Greeter Seidel, help an a cappella band with their between songs banter. Where does your group perform? We do some retirement homes. Those people are starving for banter.

Listen to humor me with Robert Smigel and friends on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Last night, a blown call changed a game. This morning, the internet lost its mind. And nobody's telling you exactly what happened. That's where Sports Slice comes in. I'm Timbo. And every episode, we're cutting through the noise, breaking down the biggest moments

in sports and giving you the real story behind the headline. And we're going straight to the source, the athletes themselves. Their locker room stories, their reactions in the moment, and the stuff nobody gets to hear. Listen to SportsSlic on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. And for more, follow Timbo Slicalif 12 in the TikTok podcast network on TikTok.