Call Her Daddy - 112- The Debaucherous Tails Aboard The Litty Titty Torture Train (Ft. Egg Farts)

Episode Date: March 3, 2021

This week, join Father Cooper aboard the litty titty torture train as she details the train wreck that has been her and Lauren’s life since moving to LA. They explore not only the impact covid has had on their alcohol intake, but also how it has affected their masturbation style...cue bathtub masturbation. The girls really bring relatability this week when they discuss a classic topic, egg farts. If you smelt it, you dealt it! If egg farts aren’t your thing, this episode should at least make you feel less shitty about your own drunken nights. Lost keys, fingers in buttholes, blue lips, and a country club...this episode has a little of everything. Enjoy Daddies!!!

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your single father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Good morning, good evening, good night. Whatever time zone you are tuning in from today, welcome. This is a safe space let us all take a moment to center ourselves before we begin this week's session let us remind ourselves once again of our commitments

and the four pillars we have all agreed upon stay engaged speak your truth be okay with feeling discomfort, and expect and accept non-closure. Lauren? Oh, fuck. lauren oh fuck you little shit what the fuck is up daddy gang it is your founding father for another episode of call her daddy you bitches know i will never ever leave you but sometimes i fucking wish you would okay the call outs welcome back daddy gang our walls are thin your voice is

loud they know it they turn you down but i can't i don't have a volume control they want to hear me you don't we have some roommate drama in the house this week. A big rupture. A rupture. A rupture in the friendship. Tell us. So my alarm usually every day is set between 4.30 a.m. and 5 a.m. So, you know, I have a strict 10 p.m. bedtime. And I just ask that my roommate be respectful of that. You're already making me sound like an asshole.

And, you know, I provide for us. I do a lot for our household. And that's all i ask from you anyways so i go to sleep i'm peacefully floating away dreaming about you know all the sex you want to have yeah we'll get there we'll get there so to fall asleep to really set my mood to prep my dick dreams i put on the asmr channel with asmr set porn no no just the waves the waves the waves in the rain asmr and i put it on like a bedtime timer so it shuts off after an hour but then i wake up to some sounds and i'm

like oh it was a glitch like i didn't put the timer on like my asmr is still going i go and i'm trying to pause my phone it's paused i'm like trying to turn the volume off it's muted i'm like what the fuck what is this sound like what's playing right now? Your voice is playing. Your moans are ringing through my bedroom, through my ears. You literally woke me up from the dead of sleep with your sex sounds. I love how you were like first wondering like, oh, was that like, is that my ASMR? And then slowly you're like. At first I was like, oh, okay.

You're like waking up from a wet dream. You're like, ooh, what is this little ASMR? And then all of a sudden you're like, it's my fucking roommate getting railed next door. Yep. That is true. And I will take accountability. I'm no bitch. Something came over us.

If you guys follow us on social media, it was the night that we were wearing the wigs. And just something got. I knew. I saw it in your eyes that night. Something about. You're getting freaky. The purple wig. But I remember hearing in your.

I love how we have like, I remember that also hearing in your room, like we hear everything. Oh, the wall is so thin. Great house, great infrastructure, very homey. But that one wall between our rooms. Not so thick. Thin bitch. Such a thin bitch that I often feel the need to check in with you after I have a loud fart

to ask if you can hear it. I'll be laying in my bed. We're both having Netflix and chill. And Lauren will literally text me and say, did you hear that fart? I'm like, Lauren, I didn't. She's like, they're loud today. I was just checking in. And so as you can, and that's also how, you know, like good friends can text each other

and be like, hey, did you hear that one? I let it rip. Did you hear that big bad boy? No, I didn't. But I did smell it. Thank you. So anyway, so I text Lauren. I'm like, did I wake you up from sex?

You answer in the morning. I'm like, yeah, you did. But you know, I just blasted the waves. We had to go like not like peaceful beach. Like I had to put myself in like a tsunami to like drown your voice out. Yeah. And I like heard that and it was totally fine. And I think we like learned our lesson that like next time you should put on your sound machine louder I'm just gonna keep it going I

just started sleeping in the airpods again the noise canceling airpods dude so from all of this then Lauren and I started talking daddy gang and we were like in quarantine right now everyone unless you're living alone everyone that has a roommate whether you're living alone, everyone that has a roommate, whether you're living with your family, your friends, your cousins, a rando. Boyfriend, girlfriend. Someone at school, a random roommate, whoever the fuck it is. Masturbating and having sex in quarantine in close quarters is a fucking shit show. And I feel so we're lucky to have each other right now, but it wasn't always like this. Oh, no, no, no, no.

I was the poster child for someone going extreme lengths to masturbate in secret. So sad. OK, explain. So this was really kind of birthed back in New York, start of COVID, when I was living with my boyfriend in a 400 square foot apartment. And like, yes, maybe we weren't having as much sex as I wanted. But still, regardless, like having sex is different than like having your alone times Like I still wanted to like find time for my alone time But neither of us were leaving

And we had a one bedroom one bathroom tiny apartment So what are you gonna do? Masturbate in the bathtub First and foremost why are you doing it in the bathtub? Is it more because you like it in the bathtub? No no no the whole premise of this is like disguise and like hide Got it So like i didn't want him to know like that probably feel shitty like oh my girlfriend leaves one to two times per day

right and it's like masturbating like and i'm just sitting out here like twiddling my thumb totally so it already had like set the stage like you already know i love baths so i'm just like oh i'm gonna go take a bath like i'm just gonna like take some time for myself and that became the time that you also flicked the bean exactly lock the door turn on the bathtub the bath creates the perfect amount of like background noise so it covers the vibration as long as you don't have like one of those like like huge big boys yeah yeah but like it muffles the sound of the vibrator perfectly got it but that is only the first step because then the real science comes to the water level so you got the background noise of the the bath is only the first step because then the real science comes to the water level so you

got the background noise of the the bath is running the noise is going right and now you got to jump right into it you have no fucking time to waste why because the water you can't let the water get too high one because you don't want it to go inside you when you're orgasming because that's going to breed like a yeast infection and also you're going to desensitize your clit if you're having your clit just on warm water You know all the sensors And then also I'm like naked in the bathroom So like I don't want to be cold So I'm keeping a thin layer on the bottom

To kind of like keep my body at like that perfect 97.6 So oh oh oh Also Wait I'm sorry Because I knew you do this I didn't understand Hold on In my understanding

When you're like going to the bathtub to take to masturbate I'm thinking that it's a fully filled tub And you have like your scuba gear on Oh no no no no no I'm like jabbling in the small Like inch or two of water It's safe enough for me to put a one year old baby in Wow we love almost like too shallow

Yeah exactly And then are you you're obviously leaning back I'm leaning back And because it's like a race to the clock, like, and you don't want to feel raced. You don't want rushed. You don't want to feel pressured that like you're trying to orgasm before the water gets too high. It's like an escape room.

Can I get the orgasm out before the water gets too high? We don't want that vibe. So you want to keep the drain open? Well, then it doesn't get deep enough. Then you get a little chilly. So it's a fine balancing act of like using your toe to pop open the drain slowing the water a little bit speeding up the water a little bit maintaining that inch or two and if you need to for a backup for a plan b you can kind of like hoist your hips up a little bit put one leg on the side the bathtub really

like angle it if you're like oh i'm so close and i don't want to fuck with the drain or the tub now you just pop your hips on out of the water I'm just trying to Really picture myself doing this Because I know the lengths I was going into quarantine when I was back At my parents house All I had to do Like you are in it to win over there

All I had to do was You know the Cooper's house We do not have locks on our old childhood doors So naturally are in it to win it over there all i had to do was you know the cooper's house yeah they we do not have locks on the like our old childhood doors so naturally terrified one night my parents are gonna walk into my bedroom all i was doing was taking one of like the little couches in my room dragging it in front of my bedroom door and then getting into my bed and masturbating i wish i had it that easy but the thing is like i was at the time i was like i was so terrified not and again i like literally have this podcast like

my parents are fully aware of what i'm doing but in the time i was just like fuck i don't want my parents like hear me masturbating like that fucking sucks so i was like turning on the sound machine like trying to make it all work but in my mind i was like wow i'm really working it fast forward to lauren staring me in the eyes being like, the flick of the toe. Okay, aqua woman, let's go. I'm in this tub. Listen, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. No, I respect it.

Also, if anyone's going to try this, if you're going to orgasm, you have to be chill and calm. Like, you kind of like, you might not orgasm like the first time or two until like you kind of get down. Get that rhythm. Get that rhythm down. And like, you're not feeling pressured and rushed and that like you're drowning and trying to like get yourself out of like the bathtub. This is really fascinating to me and I would love anyone to write in. I have never done this and I've never heard of someone doing this because I remember I've heard of people using the bathtub, like the faucet in the bathtub and putting their like

putting their clit up against the bathtub or like the shower head type shit that's beginner that's this is called warren like cooper listen to me a sheet of water the flick of the toe opens the faucet and we let that shit drain then you close it then you go okay so you can't fully be just focused on masturbating. You're also fully doing. Well, now it's like secondhand nature to me. And like, I got it like this. Holy shit. I mean, daddy gang.

I thank you, Lauren, for sharing that. I think anyone listening to this, if you are, Lauren is clearly not the only one that has a boyfriend that you're trying to hide from, whether you're going into a closet, the bathtub, whatever to wink one out um your parents whoever you're living with send in some really crafty ways to masturbation station in secret because i haven't been dealing with the issue of having to masturbate in private my actual like most recent more not an issue but something that's been more on my mind your masturbation dilemma yeah is now having a boyfriend who lives so close to me like i was masturbating a shit ton when i was in new york because i was like by myself like i wasn't like i would have hookups but it's always i'm always dating someone that's long distance now that i have a boyfriend full time um i'm being girls you can write into me too like when you have a boyfriend that you're having sex with almost

every single day then you also still want to find time for the masturbation and so it's been like an interesting dynamic I've been like on a journey I have a lot of time for masturbation you have all the time in the world and I'm kind of like I'll be like oh I'm exhausted from sex this morning but then maybe like a midday masturbation also girls i do find i sometimes treat masturbation like a cup of coffee like i need to like to wake up to like do a little bit of work like a quick pick me up wait right i'll do that you you will go in the middle of the day yeah which i commend you i'm more like it's in morning or night for me or like happy hour no i'm like oh no but like you know what i mean like in the middle yeah i guess it is a midday

pick me up yeah i also think any i've had a lot of girls like in the middle yeah I guess it is a midday pick me up Yeah I also think any I've had a lot of girls right in being like oh my sex drive is so low Due to covid I do find that if sometimes I'm like in a weird funk and like I'm not feeling great About myself I'm like I don't really want to have sex like I usually am like I need to masturbate And when you make it a regular routine in your day then it also gets your like hormones going and you're like horny am i like oh like here i go i feel better that oxytocin gets flowing yes and then i'm like oh now i want to fuck later so i and like picture your boyfriend and stuff like that so i'm not gonna lie on this podcast i've absolutely through quarantine had my ups and downs of

i've had serious moments where i'm not feeling horny i'm not feeling in the mood to have sex and it's just it's not Something to like freak out about i Think especially where we're in the World right now totally understandable You're stressed you're not eating well You're not eating well you're not Eating well alex like and so so it's

Totally fine but i do think Masturbation helps a lot i agree also You and i have talked about when you Overthink it oh that is that is the the worst when like it's just like not going well. And like in your mind, like you went in, you're like, oh, I like I need an orgasm right now. And it's like not working and you're getting frustrated. And it's like literally like feels like your clit just goes numb because you're overthinking about it.

And you know what? That's the OK. This is actually I just put these two together when girls write in and they're like why can i i have a vibrator in the bedroom with the dude but i still can't get off it's because you're not even really feeling the vibrator yeah you're so in your head about making him come and looking hot or like how do how do what is he thinking that i have a vibrator right now so then it's like then you don't even feel the vibrator because your clit is literally numb because your head's not there same thing goes back to i've had moments

masturbating whether i'm too fucked up drunk that's one or i'm so stressed i'm in my head it's like you want to masturbate but you're too in your head you're not present in the moment yes all of a sudden you're like then you're down there for a while and you're like and then you're like jamming and you're like why isn't this thing working you're like why don't i feel this and you're like in your guts and you're like what the fuck and you're like jamming and you're like, why isn't this thing working? You're like, why don't I feel this? And you're like in your guts and you're like, what the fuck? And you're like rubbing your clit at that point. I'm like, this thing's going to be like swollen and sore. Like what is going on? That's happened to me before.

Right? Yeah. And you're like, you keep, and that's worse. At that point, you just gotta like kind of, you gotta throw in the towel. You gotta give up. And like sometimes I've even watched porn and then the porn's not even doing it for me. Yeah. And then you just feel gross and you're like, what the fuck is wrong?

I don't know. I feel like guys can kind of just give it a rug and tug. And they could be on a conference call and still coming. And I'm like, I need to be mentally prepped. And I need to find myself. And remind myself of what I'm grateful for. My clit when it works. And it's not working.

So girls, if I, I don't know. I think a lot of girls can relate to that. Lauren and I always talk about it. Like a lot of times. I love that we talk about it. Right is a huge thing too like be open about it with your friends because I think when you and I that was a we always talk about it like oh I was masturbating last oh brb brb yeah I'm like brb I'm gonna go masturbate and then it's like nothing happened yeah and there's moments that it's like we why and a lot of times we have the drunk ones

but it's even if you're sober and you can't get off it's like it's so annoying it happens it happens but just like keep trying never give up never give up get back on the horse and giddy up and keep on and carry on All aboard, daddies. Welcome to the Litty Titty Torture Train. Can I ask you a question? Have you ever been so fucked up from alcohol that you would consider yourself, as one says, Litty Titty? And then have you woken up from that night of getting Litty Titty and found yourself full speed aboard the Litty Titty Torture Train. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. Lauren and I have been fully enduring a torture train ride that we fully can't get off.

And we're here to talk about it today. I'm not here to- I'm addicted to that fucking train. I am. And for some reason, it feels like the first time you ever talked about lady titty man ever since then our life has gone to shit yeah what has he done he's cursed us daddy gang we are here today to talk to you about something we have been internally struggling with but it's something that we feel is appropriate to bring to the podcast today

because we realize this is a safe space this is a safe space daddy gang we're safe we're remembering the four tenants we will not judge we will not we will not we will not attempt to send lauren and alex to rehab we will make those commitments here today we will be supportive And arms open Arms open wide as fuck bitches In the arms of the angels May you fly No this is a Sarah McLaughlin commercial It's that sad It is that sad bitches

You're like Alex Alarm what are you guys talking about and we've been posing the question why are we drinking so much in quarantine there's a lot of stories that come with it but why the fuck do we not just drinking this isn't a one two situation no not a three four drink situation this is a finish the bottle, new bottle, open it up, blacking out. Yeah, a blackout situation. No, this is a blackout issue. Participating a weekly blackout Wednesday to Sunday and front-loading all my work Monday and Tuesday. And it's a vicious cycle. And we're hoping while we're saying this, all of you are listening in your headphones or in the gym and you're nodding me too

and oh let me tell you because i'm sure you guys are like hey you guys should try this you're gonna dm me daddy gang lets me i'm gonna get a dm if i didn't say this you'd be like alex you and lauren should try this i tried this don't drink during the week and then just drink on the weekend brilliant brilliant we've tried it we've tried that one lauren and i sunday nights will look at each other dead in the eyes and we'll say we're not drinking till friday this week we've even gone as far as to say let's throw all the alcohol in the house nope that doesn't work no because all of a sudden monday night rolls around and we're like what if we just have a cocktail to like just one more take the edge off i'm pretty sure that's what it's called a problem we've got a lot of problems going on now let's go to the the ethos the logistics of like why well during COVID let's talk about it it's easy to

black out right it's so easy it provides an easy access for me money is an issue like I'm over here drowning in lone cities like when I'm at a bar or a restaurant and I'm getting like New York LA $20 drinks me continuously swiping my credit card kind of like sets my pace slows me down sobers me up a little bit but here are $40 I buy a bottle I drink the whole thing I can afford that financially it's easier to get a hammer that's justification but also being in your house, can we just talk about the homebody lifestyle and how it really supports the blackout lifestyle? Exactly. We turn our kitchen into a full bar. I'm obviously DJing for us.

You're over there shaking a little cocktail in your little cocktail dress. Oh, I'm naked on the bar. I don't leave the bar. I sleep at the bar. Is it a problem? No, no, because it's my kitchen. That's the bar. I don't leave the bar. I sleep at the bar. Is it a problem? No, no, because it's my kitchen. That's the bar. Like you don't have to worry about your surroundings. Your inhibitions are lowered and you're in a safe space. And when you're in a safe space, you tend to ramp up the

alcohol intake. So technically quarantine is enabling us. That's really what it is. It's enabling us to black out. It's making everything easier for you to enter that black hole. And recover from that black hole. My hangover is easier to manage. You wake up five, ten minutes before your Zoom meeting. You commute down the hall to your office. You don't brush your teeth. You don't brush your hair.

Click on that touch-up feature on zoom dim the lights a little bit so like you kind of can't see what's completely going on on my face roll the chair a couple feet back exactly you're feeling me we have to minimize the under eye bags they can't smell you exactly at your job the people like lauren you've been hitting the gray goose a little too hard. Exactly. No one can smell you. They can only visualize. And we have filters in this day and age.

This is, again, enabling. Exactly. And now, in hindsight, looking at it, back in the day when we actually had to leave our houses, that was kind of a protective factor to help us not black out dude even in my prime like i would manage the amount of nights that i was drinking in college because i was like i don't want to go to class so hungover and have to go all around campus all day feeling like shit have to like leave class in the middle have your post blackout poop in a public restroom those get you they kind of it's like a little soupy yeah and you're like oh we're like battling it out right now who's gonna leave first me you're the

person in the stall next to me because i'm not trying to have an explosion with a witness with a witness literally hearing my post drinking shits and everybody you know those really get you so when you're home in quarantine and you know, I could have my post, I could have my post blackout diarrhea. In private. In private. Not only in private, but whenever you want. That's so comforting. That's so enabling.

That's probably the most enabling aspect for me that I can shit my brains out in peace. That's like disgusting. And also like, even if you're having like those farts, maybe you're not ready. The egg farts. The post drinking those farts maybe you're not ready for the egg farts the post-drinking egg farts it's really disgusting but shut the fuck up you know what we're talking about the post-drinking egg farts it's all again enabling and that was working perfectly while in our bubble in our homes now a little bit of normalcy back in outdoor dining opens back up we're kind of getting back into society aka society is now witnessing what was happening behind those closed doors in your home it's hard not to be a menace to society after a year inside

cue your first night out you're caught with your pants down you're caught with your pants down around your ankles you're caught bitch basically we're saying daddy gang all of a sudden we were realizing we were getting way too drunk to function at a dinner and i feel really bad for anyone who was in our vicinity because we were sure as hell crop dust in the mall you're what crop dusting people i've never heard that are you so serious i've never heard that it's where you walk by someone and fart and keep walking and they're like what what what's that smell where'd that come from and you're just on your wet merry way and they have no idea it was you have you ever i'm trying to think if I've ever crop dusted, crop dusted.

That doesn't even sound like a term. I'm guilty. No, you've never done it to me, I don't think. No, I would do it while I was teaching all the students. When he's sitting in their desks and I'd be walking around the room and I would just drop some little farts here and there. Drop little palms. They'd all be like, who was that?

No one ever thinks to blame the teacher that's like fucked up they're all like yo gerald did you fart and lauren's like now back up at her desk after like sweeping through the aisle i'm like stop talking stop talking stop it's not funny to make fun of people that are farting it's fine kids somebody did it take accountability and move on i was really clenching your asshole up at the front. That's pretty disgusting, but I kind of love it. Anyways, back to the episode. The point is, is that we have been getting litty-titty by night.

Every night. Every night. And it's been a litty-titty torture train come morning. And this torture train represents waking up the next morning and dealing with the repercussions of just fucking shit up. Cue the backyard birthday party. Let's just, before I start really divulging this next series of unfortunate events, let's just put in the mindset,

hey, maybe Lauren's going through a little quarter-life crisis right now. Like, what does one do in a quarter- crisis they drink debaucherous reckless they fuck shit up they ruin relationships and make people hate them so you know i'm just really embracing that right now so like keep that in your mind as i go through this next go easy on yeah so like one of my like friends who like i wasn't like the closest with in high school but like we had a lot of mutual friends was like hey like one of my friends is having like a little um backyard outdoor shindig for her birthday like come by and i'm like hey like big al how you feeling covid like don't worry y'all like be really safe are you comfortable with me doing that you're like yeah go get out there

like infiltrate some friends um and am i gonna fully am i gonna fully out myself here maybe okay the day before you know I got a little in the mouth area so I was what does that mean wait what do you mean I got lip injections the day before dude I literally was like you gave head no you had mouth herpes I didn't wait dude well no because I got I got lip injection so i didn't even think i was like going to this place to like do anything i thought i was just going to like see someone besides you and mr sexy zoom dude i have no idea you're about to say that on podcast i didn't know where you were going with that i'm like blinking like why like what honest open vulnerable authentic i'm the people's people we respect the honesty anyone giving her shit shut

the fuck up just shut up so lauren i literally go with lauren holding her hand she gets lip injections you almost pass out almost you almost pass out i was fine i'm like lauren i'm good i have to go into the waiting room so um lauren gets her lips and they look amazing but they're like fully bruised they're fully bruised so i like cover myself in concealer and in like three different shades of lipstick and i'm like okay like it kind of looks like you have pneumonia or whatever do you know meredith gracey when she comes out of the water after she drowned for like 15 minutes she's literally gray lauren's lips are gray yeah so she goes to this party and like the lips are fragile you know i

gotta be delicate and the woman had said like no making out for two weeks and absolutely no sucking dick nothing and so lauren and i had pre like we had gone through it like what if you do randomly meet a guy within the next two weeks i'm like should i say i have like open mouth sores dude i was like lauren lauren was like maybe i'll say like i have like open mouth so i have a cut in my mouth i'm like lauren that's literally herpes she's like oh look what do i say then i'm like just literally be honest like I feel like dudes don't give a fuck be like I just got lip injections like I can't suck dick and the fact you were I remember you kept bringing up to Mr. Sexy Zoo man and I you were like so upset you're like I can't hook up with the guy for two weeks

I'm like Lauren you're like fiending I'm like are you fully fiending so Lauren's fiending and she's like I like I don't know like I don't know so anyways but I go to this party with like not the intention at all to do anything I'm like want to see my friend catch up yeah the it was like the last 30 minutes of the party and like I had been so well behaved the last 30 minutes I'm sitting around a group of people start talking to this guy I'm like yeah like the only sex I've had in LA so far is bad sex and he's like oh really so then he texts me his name and says blah blah blah medium-sized penis and i'm sitting next to him and i respond did you tell him that the last guy you fucked had a small penis and i'm sitting next to him and i'm like i text him back sitting next to him i can't wait to taste it and then he says let's go and i say okay so we leave the party i'd been talking to

him for five minutes yeah Yeah. You know what? You are, you are getting out there and I respect it. So then I'm like in the Uber, I'm like, fuck, do I go with mouth sores? Do I go with like, I just hate making out. Like what's my ammo here? You're like, I'm, what are we using? We were coming with the whole thing. You were like, I'm down to fuck, but I don't like making out on the first day.

I'll fuck, but no making out. It's too intimate for me. I have a cold stone heart right I don't like making out. On the first date, I'll fuck, but no making out. Yeah. It's too intimate for me. I have a cold stone heart right now that cannot be penetrated. Don't kiss me, but fuck me. So I'm just telling him, like, I just got my lips done. We can have sex. We can't make out, and I can't give you a blowjob. And he's like, okay.

Don't care. Nope. Dude, what man would care if you're like, I can fuck you. I just can't kiss you. He's like, this is a dream. This is a fucking dream so i go there for a few hours and then i'm ready to leave and how was the sex it was like it was good it was good yeah it was like fine yeah yeah i wish i don't remember like all of it but

okay here we go keys um and but that night i had borrowed one of your purses so i'm like i don't want to i got i like bought myself my birthday last year like a gucci purse like splurged like spent like an entire paycheck on it i'm like i'm not really feeling the gucci vibes this was more like a hipster chill party not roll up with like the little gucci little gucci gal yeah um so i borrowed one of your purses so um i'm going to leave this house his house to like uber back here and i'm like fuck i don't have my purse so i don't have my key tvt to the first episode i came on when we talked about the one fight we ever got on got in dude when when i lived in the 301 with lauren the amount of times that

our old roommate and i had to literally come home from dinners from work because lauren would be locked out of the apartment and the one time that we had gotten in the fight was when you ended up sleeping on a mattress. Because I wasn't able to answer. But like. Some Lauren has something with keys. Yeah. I'm losing keys.

Yeah. Like get into therapy about it. Something her and keys. So I wake up. Now fast forward to my point of view. I wake up next to Mr. Sexy's new man. And he's like. Wake your hungover ass up.

We have 16 missed calls from Lauren. And like about 20 texts. And I'm sitting there. And I'm hurting. because Lauren was not the only degenerate that night. We had gone to this place and I had gotten so fucked up. I had gotten so fucked up that I had to literally in the middle of having sex with Mr. Sexy Zoo Man. I don't remember, but he told me. I told him to stop fucking me. And I remember kind of blacking back. Did you throw up on the side of the bed again? No, I didn't. I didn't remember but he told me I told him to stop fucking me and I remember kind of blacking

back did you throw up on the side of the bed no I didn't oh I didn't how do you put his dick in there I probably it was one of those where I blacked back in while he was fucking me classic classic been there classic and you're you see you see like a headboard ahead of you yeah who's behind me I was like quickly peer back like I really hope it's my boyfriend behind me so I look back and I see it is my boyfriend which is like great check check I you know I was in his bed but who knows who knows about me these days so I'm like perfect it is my boyfriend behind me um but I dude he's gonna be like fuck you but um I was like fully spinning I black back in and immediately go to the spins and I was like holy fuck I need him to stop fucking me apparently I tell him to stop fucking me in the most unsexy unloving un type of girlfriend way almost as if he's like a stranger and he I woke up in the

morning he told me I have never had a woman what that I've ever had sex with look at me the way you did like so disgusted so blackout like get off me and then proceed to throw up on the side of the bed so then fast forward to the morning I'm not feeling my fucking best and I'm ready to like repent my sins like oh god my boyfriend's gonna be like what the fuck is wrong with you like do you have a problem and meanwhile I'm not gonna fucking lie Lauren seeing these texts made me feel a little bit better about myself because i did think wow not i'm not the only one that had another litty titty night so i quickly just forget about all my fucking problems i'm like oh i'm barely hung over now i feel fucking great time to figure out

where's lauren is lauren straight up sleeping on the side of the road right now where and i've seen there's no mattresses and hallways here i was gonna say though but i've seen like the worst alarm before like she will like squeeze herself into a fucking mailbox no i'm crafty i wouldn't be on the street i'd be i have a new place no no i have a new plan now i developed after that one incident that if i get locked out i'll hold my ground in a 24-hour diner oh that's actually right that's where your mind goes because i can't afford a hotel room i'll hold down the fort in a 24-hour diner. Like another round of orange juice, another coffee. It's so dark that you like think that way.

That's how often this happens. I know. So anyway, so I call her and I call her and she's not answering me. Finally, she responds and she says, I slept at my friend's. Yeah, my friend like that I went out to meet was like still awake, slept in her house. All good. And you're like, fucking give me your location now. I think that morning what we did say, though, I'm not going to lie. This is where you know that we were like, we get so dark with it.

I look to you. I say, honestly, totally fine. Fuck you about my purse. Fuck you about the keys. Fuck you about. You didn't fuck up the lip filler, baby. At least you didn't get too fucked up that you sucked dick and then you moved your filler in your head. True.

I had some wit about me there. So it doesn't stop there, folks. Insert country club man. Next day go friday that was thursday now we're on to friday friday we go out again mr sexy zoom man now says i want in i want to help set lauren up with someone so he brings us to his country club he's like we'll sit we'll mingle you know some people walk by like hey this is alex yeah hey this is her really single friend lauren lauren and i are getting ready we look classy bitches we literally went shopping to get lauren something that was like country club attire boom banana republic thank you thank you so we should i now own a credit card there no you signed up yeah i signed up for their credit card

dude that it was like an extra 30 off no but then i think you get like chart we are gonna have to cancel that okay jesus christ la, what would you do without me? Okay, so we go to the country club. Lauren and I sit down with Mr. Sexy Zoo Man. And within like five minutes. Well, you start, you're like, I'm, you're still so hungover. So you're like, I'm only going to drink wine. Yes.

And I'm like, okay, I'll drink Jodi Martini. And then a man sits down within the first five seconds, five minutes. And he sits down. And the vibe is like, it's that kind of guy that sits down and he like runs the room like i put on my jacket because we're outdoor dining and he's like oh are you cold and he's sitting more under the heater he grabs my chair and whips me around the table next so i'm like oh okay and like every time you would get a new drink he kept like pouring more into the drink like he was just um that sounds creepy yeah no he was one of those guys that just like next very very confident yeah and took

control we go to the bathroom we do the classic girl talk i'm like are you good like do you want do you want us to take because you were leaving for dinner reservation you're like you want me to take you home or do you want me to be or do you want us to be like oh can you drop lauren off i'm like have them drop me the fuck off yeah i want to stay and hang and i was like oh we got a fucking vibe yeah so mr sexy zoom in and i are leaving and i'm seeing lauren now on her third martini And I know Lauren's not He goes yeah he's like do you want a third And Alex looks at me and goes no Cause I know Lauren like I'm leaving her

She has been absolutely black out almost every single day Since being here and I'm like I'm about to leave her I feel really bad like I don't have a key Oh yeah you had lost your key I'm like hey I didn't bring a purse I'm like hey throw me your key just stick it in my pocket Dangerous

It's so dangerous because again remind you Lauren had lost my purse and her key. So at this point, Lauren doesn't have a key. Nope. And I give her. We only have one key to our name right now. Yes. And so I give her my key and I look at her and I'm like, Lauren, like, I love you to death.

Like, try, have so much fun, but like, obviously don't lose my key or else like we don't have a way to get back into the house. Me and this man go to dinner. Meanwhile, I'm at dinner, you know, just lightly falling into a bush that's behind me behind the table how many dirty martinis are you in deep this point three and a half dirty martinis then we go to his house and we have a cup of tequila on the rock shower before dinner oh my god you know that just reminded me of the group text that you posted oh fuck oh god we do i'm sorry guys we're going okay here we go so i leave and lauren is like drunk now and he's like randomly you guys

decided to also go to the dinner we're like we'll go to dinner this night and he's like but i'm in my golf clothes we have to go back to my house first i need to shower and change and then we'll walk to my house i walk from my house to dinner so lauren texts mr sexy zoom Man and I and goes ha ha ha ha ha I'm at This guy's house nice guy what's his Name again as the content creator the Grinder the dedicated woman I am trying To give you guys content inside look Into our life I post her I post our Little group text group text all my

Story dying laughing Lauren asking what This guy's fucking name is as she's literally at his house while he's showering like we've been like we've known each other for like four hours at this point literally so they go to dinner how was the dinner I wish I could tell you okay so you were some daddy gang person messaged me was like I saw you didn't want to interrupt you look you were having a great time I wanted to respond and be like oh can you tell me more what else was it like what else am I doing yeah yeah how did my makeup look yeah so as the dinner but i will have to say like i'm a very functioning blackout like people who like know

me very well they'd be like oh i had no idea you're blackout last night true half the time you just yeah i get on like autopilot yes so finally your dinner ends and you go back to our house because you guys want to hook up yeah and i'm at dinner still yeah and i get a voice message from lauren i voice message you oh you don't even remember that no i remember i get a lot of notifications front side back that's when i know lauren has fucked up why is she in the backyard and it's 2 a.m and i get a voice message from lauren saying alex now don't worry don't worry i'm fine um i lost the key that's my first mistake i i revealed my cards too early i should have texted i could have masked how like fucked up i was voice message me

a minute and a half and no wonder the next morning i couldn't find any trace i'm like how did i like i don't see any calls or anything full voice message full belligerent telling me that you lost the key and then i turn into my security cameras and i see lauren and country club man in our backyard lauren's sitting on the ground no i'm sitting on the pot on the patio furniture box we just still don't unbox it yet yeah yeah very specific and he's on the phone which then lauren says don't worry he's calling a locksmith and i'm just like looking at mr sexy zoom man about to lose my mind because I'm like she's lost my purse my key or her key that I gave her my key and now she lost my key like we have no way to get into the house so for the next hour I'm trying to decide like fuck we're

all the way down in Malibu like do we leave our dinner early like what the fuck do we because I sorry I just said it was 2 a.m it wasn't 2 am. well it's like now it felt like 2 a.m. because we've been it's only like 10 yeah so finally we get back we realize I had left another spare like an emergency key thank god at Mr. Sexy Zoo man we go we get that key we let Lauren and country club man in did you guys end up hooking up that night I didn't think yep you did yep oh was that the butt night no that was the night that i said it won't fit oh tell them tell them okay so we literally like we i'm like full delusional mode right now because it's a tuesday and i'm still fucking hung over from saturday with country club man so i might be like hey big al you got a chippy chippy choppy choppy something that's out but you know i'll just

so that night basically i get we drive up i'm like i can't even out of the car like i know she's fucked up like i don't want to say anything i regret like just go give them the key let them in let's go home like i just gotta like i'm like exhausted so hungover at this point yeah like i can't believe like you wouldn't even get like you barely drank that night because you were still so hungover from the night before yes so they let so he lets you in we go home you guys do your thing what did you do in the bedroom that night um had sex and then i was like oh it won't fit and he's like what do you mean it won't fit and i'm like oh i have a tampon in dude you had literally talked to me before being like i have my period like what am i gonna do then i wake up the next morning and i'm like what did you guys do and

you're like oh he like he didn't stick a finger in your butt you just told me that he tried to and then you were like oh like i had a tampon in so lauren was so blackout that she was like oh my god my pussy's so tight it's like no sweetheart you have an extra large tampon in your pussy like take it out you stupid bitch that's how blackout you were so then he leaves right you didn't let him sleep over no i said you have to leave okay perfect we love that yeah hospitable bitch yeah so he leaves and then now it was saturday Yeah. What happened then after? You came home and I like followed you around like a needy puppy. Yeah.

And I was like, I can't even be mad at you because I know how hungover you are right now. And like to be like angry with you about losing a key. It's like you already have enough punishment because you're literally so hungover. Yeah. I was so hungover and I was so mortified. Yeah. And I was like, let's cuddle. Let's talk about it.

Yeah. But also, fuck you. Where's our key? Mortified. So we go, we get 19 copies of mortified. Yeah. And I was like, let's cuddle. Let's talk about it. Yeah. But also, fuck you. Where's our key? Mortified. So we go. We get 19 copies of the key. 19. Mr. Sexy Zoo Man is like, we need to get you so many.

We need to have so many options for Lauren. Oh, I bought a lockbox. Yeah. We have a lot of things going on. So Lauren gets a new key. All is right in the world. You head off to your little Valentine's rendezvous excursion. We go to Utah.

We have the best. I mean, he outdid himself it was literally one of the best trips i've ever had it was a good moment for us to have a little time apart yes like at that point i think too for like our livers like we were like dude like we're pushing it too hard yeah and like it was like fun because we were getting content out of it but i was like yo like we need to chill for a second yeah like let's like i'm not gonna sit in the house and drink alone exactly it was more of like a have kind of like a rehabilitation yeah so i leave i'm in utah mr sexy zoo man and i had like such a romantic week um weekend away and then now it's so that was friday now it's sunday it's valentine's day

valentine's day and country club man had told lauren he was gonna somehow miraculously take me out for valentine's day i didn't scare him away yet i don't't know how. So she gets ready for Valentine's Day and they go on a date. Tell us about it. I get in the Uber and he's like, I have to tell you something. And I'm like, oh God, okay, what? And he was like, well, one of my friends from the country club sent me, because he didn't know anything. He didn't know who you were or nothing.

He's like, of Alex, your roommate's story. And he's like, Lauren, you didn't know my name for the first four and a half hours of us hanging out you're like blinking you're like no i'm so sorry like you know like i knew it was one of the situations where like like it was on my brain but like i brain fart yeah i'm like i know your name i know your name now And I was like Your name is blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah I said it over and over I really made sure

To emphasize his name that night When we had a little sex I called him by his name Okay so you're on the date Yeah great time I'm like gonna be I'm like I'm gonna be chill I'm gonna be chill

I'm gonna be chill I'm gonna be chill So I only have like Two drinks at dinner We FaceTime Yeah FaceTime me I FaceTime you When you got to the house

And you thought Something was wrong Dude I get off the slopes And you thought Something was wrong Dude I get off the slopes And Lauren FaceTimes me With him No he FaceTimes Yeah he FaceTimes

Mr. Sexy Zoo Man Yeah We answer And Lauren looks sober And I'm like What's wrong I love it That's my initial reaction

Yeah I'm like Lauren What's wrong And I'm texting her I'm like yo Like are you okay Like why is Lauren Not blacking out

I'm like I'm being responsible Because I think it was also Like you in the first moment Being like I was like you guys will seriously think i have a problem if i black out do anything stupid again and also you were like i'm literally in los angeles i don't know anyone you guys were out of town at this point i'm like i like i don't want to be i need to reel the i need to reel the fuck in yes so then she proceeds to get black out after the facetime call and so you guys start how was the sex it was good didn't you say it was like the best so far you've had yeah yes definitely um and he put a finger in your butthole yes and it

was one of those that you were like oh very aggressive yeah so you have great sex and then you decide not to stay exactly I'm like I'm gonna go home and he's like you can save me I'm like no no I'm gonna go home fast forward to uh we get home um Mr. Sexy Do Man and I and now everything is right in the world we're all hanging out again i we haven't i haven't blacked out since oh no you guys came home i didn't drink the entire week so sunday valentine's day i drank then wait then i didn't drink the whole week and then my friend comes in town from college and so now we're almost up to date so basically they she comes into town friday uh saturday morning saturday morning. So immediately like, oh, so happy to see you.

Let's start drinking right now. Boom. Let's start drinking by the pool at 1.30 in the afternoon. And this is like what I really liked about Country Club Man. Like he and my friend was coming and like I had made a reservation for me and my friend. And he texted me and was like, cancel your reservation. You and your friend come to this dinner with me and my friend. It was like a great restaurant.

Like I tried to get us into And couldn't get us into I'm like oh wow like that's so fun Like definitely in So you guys go to his house You find out his friend is so fucking hot Like great vibes We're all vibing

Like we're like this is gonna be like a great cruise It's gonna be so fun We go to the restaurant We have like a great table Right next to the DJ Right next to the pool You know I'm in my element You're like DJ if you need me

If you need to take a bath I'm right here We'll tap out You tap out I'll tap in I'm like here you're like, you know, I'm in my element. You're like DJ. If you need me, if you need to take a bath, we'll tap out. You tap out. I'll tap in. I'm like, you're like, have you heard about the baby shower? You want to use my playlist? He's like, ma'am, I don't know who you are.

Okay. Um, so me and my friend takes him out at all before going out. Got it. Cause we're like, oh, we've been daydreaming all day. Like we want to like longevity, longevity. So we get to dinner and he starts ordering and he's literally trying to put plate up food on my plate and i was like i'm so sorry like i'm just like i'm like i have cotton mouth like i'm not even hungry like i took adderall skinny bitch yeah legend yeah and then his friends like here

take more gives us more and then this brings us back to like a theme that we used to have you know what theme i'm going with here no where I used to fall a fuck Asleep everywhere we went it's actually Mackenzie cue the sleeping footage dude I'm not gonna lie Daddy gang dm us if any of your friends do this I have never had a friend that does this except For you I was good but like this was the first time I'd done this back in I thought this was A habit like I buried and left behind in New York. We would be like at Marquis in New York and Lauren would fully be dead ass asleep in the middle. Flip over the table. I would fall asleep standing up and I flipped over the table. Like fully like taking people out every time we'd go out because she would just fall onto the fucking couch.

I was like concerned. Like did I have like a medical problem? Like did I was I like anemic? Did I have like a medical problem like did I was like anemic literally I have like narcolepsy straight up and so finally like Lauren stopped falling asleep and we went out

and I was like it was great for us it was a good vibe like Lauren would stay awake finally Lauren tells me and we'll post the photo Lauren falls asleep at this dinner but then I

come back to life she always does she always does so you you what we you wake up back up And then I remember you say You go up to the bathroom With your friend I go to the bathroom

With my friend I leave my purse at the table You know me Just always leaving my purse Unattended places Classic It's so bad Yeah

This time the little Gucci gooch was out So my little child's Out alone on the table My phone's in it And then I get a text from him While I'm at the bathroom That's like hey

We went upstairs Me and my friend come back And we can't find them. So we leave and we go back to our house. I don't have a purse. I don't have a phone. I'm like, fuck, I'm locked out again. Well, and that's a huge point.

When you had told me that you could, he texted you telling you where they went, but your phone was in your purse. Yeah. And he took your purse for you upstairs and went upstairs and didn't realize your phone was in it yeah so although you thought you were you were very blackout but although you thought you were so blackout you were like trying to remember in the morning i remember you calling me it's classic when your friend calls you trying to like re-step like i'm trying to like piece together my night like oh yeah i was trying so hard like like looking at uber receipts like everything i texted that night like it was like and you

pictures with time stamps yes and you're like why I texted that night. And it was like, and you could. Pictures with timestamps. Yes, and you're like, why did we leave? And it was because you like fully thought that they left. Yeah. So you come home and you realize you don't have a purse, which that's how I know you also were so fucked up because that Gucci bag is like your life. Yeah.

That is like mortgage. I like, yeah, like I engage crossbody mode with that because you know how you can put it like cute, like the little shoulder strap. I like lift the strap up and like full on, like strap it across me like i'm going into battle like engage crossbody i'm ready it's the most expensive thing you own right literally it is your child yeah so you get home you realize i don't have my purse i don't have my wallet i don't have my phone like nothing thank god i ordered a lockbox so i go in like my hiding spot in the backyard i dig out like i had

dirt under my nails next morning i dig out the lock box and i can't remember the code and it's like one of those hard little dials so for 45 minutes my friend and i sit trying to like get the lock box open we start like trying to throw the lock box into the ground like maybe it'll just pop open finally we get into the house i open my computer i started doing like find my iphone like trying to track it you know all the things and then he shows up at my house at the house yeah with the phone um and with the two other people who apparently we like met up with their two his two other friends so like a party yeah at the house and I'm like oh my gosh like do you want to stay I'm like fully back ready for round two not asleep and he's like you're on Adderall yeah because they gave me a second round of Adderall at dinner

that's so sad and he's like no no no I no. I'm going to I'm going to leave. I'm like, oh, he's angry. He's going to leave. Well, because I think at first he was probably so angry. Like, why the fuck did you randomly disappear? Like, I made this whole night for you guys. Like, yeah, I plan this whole thing. Yeah, exactly.

I'd be pissed. And so he leaves. Like, he's up there twiddling his thumbs and like, we're just gone. Right. But his two friends stay. And also, we did say we kind of respected him more because at this point while i was away on vacation lauren had told mr sexy zoom man and i like i don't know like he calls me a lot like he facetimes me i'm not a facetimer like i feel uncomfortable

with facetime so she was kind of like i don't know if i like like him that much and i think in a strange way like him having like being like nah i'm going home but the first time you were kind of like oh like country club man is not easy anymore like yeah he's not gonna come in and fuck me like wait what the fuck is he mad at me yeah he leaves and then his friends stay though yeah and what happens when his friends stay lauren um we get a limo that has a shark fin on it and we drive around the block from 2 to 4 a.m um raging don't worry i full take control of the dj no one doubted it um lights blasting and we drive around in a limo from 2 to 4 a.m with his friends we'll post a picture on social media yeah i'll post the shark the shark limo and then

in the morning i facetime him no well first let's wait what day is this now sunday sunday and now we're sitting here yeah so by this point it's your hangover lasted guys we're literally recording this before i'm about to release the page up so because we're like holy shit we're in a delusion we'll put a mic in front of her literally it's what i do so you facetime him the next day he doesn't answer me and i text him and i said i feel like a slight terrorist oh yeah and he didn't i was still drunk when i woke up did he not answer didn't answer um and then he calls me and he facetimes me back like like at like two so at this point i'm like wallowing i'm like fuck does he hate me like is he not gonna talk to me like am i being ghosted right now and

at that point you got every girl can relate it was one of those where lauren was saying the same thing over and over and over to me and her friend bridget she was like but guys i feel like i didn't fully fuck it up because like but guys like do but do you think he hates me like do you think he hates me like it was spiraling you were you were so hungover you were so also like having like a come down from the adderall yeah you were just like on one and i felt so bad because i know that feeling like it is literally just in a black hole post hangover like yeah like post blackout anxiety you literally are have depression you're having a come down yeah so he finally facetimes me back and i have my whole story prepared like ready to go like i'm so sorry like i didn't mean to leave like i just couldn't find you you had my phone you had my purse and like i just had to go home

well in that point too i remember when he called you like we had come we had come to the entire conclusion like we had done like detective investigative like yeah and we were like it was because he took your person like exactly the whole thing that's why you left and then i just immediately pour this dump this story onto him and he's like i don't think that's what happened and i was like oh what do you mean and he's like you were kicked out i was really happy i was wearing sunglasses in that moment on the face time slowly a tear just like slowly starts to drop down yeah and you like fall off the chair and you hang up you're like I'm like sorry I actually have to go

now you got kicked out and you didn't even remember nope dude I wonder if I'm like blacklisted from this place I don't I don't even know where you went but I'm assuming you probably are so then for the next two days well then I just start drinking again on Sunday yeah that was pretty then you were like fuck it well that's also when you like start to just avoid you're like I'm going yeah I'm like I cannot you go get a bottle of rosé yeah and then you come home you take a nap and that was like scary for a while like you really thought that's almost when you started to like country club man this is the moral of the story here we go you if you feel like a guy is being too needy you need to fuck him over multiple times get so black out that you then fuck up that makes you then needy for him because you were like embarrassed

i was mortified like actually mortified and we were embarrassed too because it was like oh my god like mr sexy zoom in hooked you up with this guy and like i know i'm like i'm gonna start talking about like is mr sexy zooming and like go golf with things i'm like we're god like mr sexy zoom in hooked you up with this guy and like i know i'm like are they gonna start talking about like is mr sexy zooming and like go golf with things i'm like we're not telling mr sexy zoom in about this oh and i don't tell him and i fully kept my word on that you literally lauren called me in the morning she's like what are you doing i'm like laying in bed like he's not next to me yeah i'm like is he there i'm like nope he's not here what's up and she's like you can't tell him like hey girl code let's go and she tells me the whole story i'm like i'm absolutely not gonna tell him that don't worry because i knew what you meant like they're

friends at the country club like are people gonna start talking about this girl that came from new york has a full drinking problem and is taking every dick down so then finally after like the whole sunday of mourning of so scary yeah terrifying he finally he facetimes me on monday it honestly though was kind of good that he put you through that because yeah the ringer and i needed that by the end of sunday lauren was like i kind of like him it literally is so fun like 24 hours before i was like i am the queen from narnia no one will penetrate my heart and you were like over him you're like i don't really want to hang out with him maybe again like i don't know like he's fine but like i want to keep the minute you fucked up you're like wait i hope he loves me still and then finally he facetimes you on monday and says what when do you want to hang out this

week we were like we're back bitches so country club man is still around i'm gonna see him tonight you're going tonight he was like let's do no alcohol and you literally i'm facetiming mr sexy man and you're like guys like how am i gonna go do this like i even just like i just want to have like a little bit of wine we're like, Lauren, it's going to be fine. Like, sober sex is good. Like, you'll. I've never had that. This is a new journey for me.

Dude, I think you can have, like, one or two drinks with me here before you go. Because, like, I get it. You don't need. What if he, like, if I go and he's, like, is that alcohol that I smell on you? Maybe we'll have you have just, like, a White Claw or something that, like, you can't fully smell. Yeah, something scentless. Not, like, straight tequila. No, no, no. Like, you're trying to something that like you can't believe. Like scentless. Yeah. Something scentless. Not like straight tequila.

No, no, no. You're trying to do like on the rocks. Yeah. But I feel like half the time though, like really, really fucked up sex. Like you can't even feel your clit. Like you can't even feel it. Yeah. Like more not fully.

Will I have the same confidence? Will I still just walk into the bedroom and strip myself naked unprompted? I think you will. You think so? I think you will. I think you've been like fiending for like good sex. Like feel like you're in a good mode you're confident with yourself because that's the best part and if anyone's listening to this like girls i know i bought a new smoothie machine and i've been blending shit up in this household i'm feeling a little trim you you literally look

so good you're like on your fucking revenge bod even though it's not a revenge you're just like fully like i'm like oh i gained like 15 pounds in my relationship let me get rid of that and i feel like i wish we could put your newfound like i thought you wanted to say i wish we could post your before and after i'm like well fuck no we're not doing that are you fucking kidding guys transformation tuesday no i was gonna say i wish we could put like your your newfound confidence i thought you want to say now i should put your nudes up i'm like where are you going stop i'm saying i wish we could take your confidence and give it to every girl right now because because you have this like i don't give a fuck right now i literally don't give a you don't give a fuck if a guy like you

really aren't going in to get a guy off you're going to get yourself off you're like i want to have good sex like that is really radiant i'm like you were here to please me let's straight up and i and i literally and if you don't goodbye you're ghosted bye next like poor little dick man out there like he's gone ghosted next i ghosted like didn't have time to meet up with little lady titty man because we have a new country club guy and now we're like ready to go back to the country club and find a new one like you're on your shit right now and i think like it's so hard to not have emotion in the game and you right now i'm almost surprising myself until like the blackout anxiety and like oh i fucked this up remember you said this at dinner yeah i was like uh how how is this working how

am i not feeling things i think you're why is my start my why is my heart so like well i think right now i think that's another therapy thing that's gonna happen i know i need to fucking get in therapy she still hasn't it's and that's another reason why you need to get in therapy you're avoiding it i know but the point is is i think right now you're in like a weird space of like out of a relationship you were already mourned that over that so now you're kind of in this weird space of like You were in a seven-year relationship There's no fucking way you're looking for anything serious I would say

Commit me to a psych ward If you found out I was trying to get in a relationship But I'd be so concerned Yeah So right now it's like you have this crazy moment That you are seizing that I think is great That like and the men are feeling it and that is the craziest thing seeing and i have been so up front yes so up front with country club man with

the man that i met at that party um i'm like i want absolutely nothing i want to have sex maybe occasional dinners like have good conversation here and there nothing and nothing and i mean it so much and i think the men are kind of looking at you like oh sure oh sure but then also like then they start to realize oh she's dead ass and then i think they're kind of getting turned on like oh this is a challenge like i think country club man kind of fucking is in love with you right now because he's like i've i thought she was joking i've never had a girl like you're fully booty Calling these men right now yeah and you give No one guy he was like he was like text

Me he was like I was like I think from now on Like the only text we should really send her just like you up Dude dude literally Lauren was calling us getting annoyed like Mr. Sexy dude man are like all right Lauren like chill for a second Like you're being so savage you're like it's Annoying me how much he's calling me like I don't want to talk during the week I

Only want to talk when like we're gonna hang out and have sex and i was like who has she become but i think it's savage and i think like girls like don't like you can do guys do this all the fucking time and i think you're oh it's amazing i'm finding myself finding herself she's living in her truth like fuck it like no but seriously i think it's amazing and i think it's like working for you and it's like most girls be like is there something wrong with me like who gives a fuck this is working for you do it and you should have you it's kind of great that like i don't know anyone here too so like i can just you know up and like if i fuck shit up with that friend group you know i'll just pop over there it's true until slowly everyone in the yeah I had this reputation in LA and like that's

why I'm never getting on fucking Raya I know let her on please so Lauren we are now coming back on to record we this is a week later about to release this how do you feel listening back well I haven't blacked out since I'm so proud honestly so proud so proud um you know i'm gonna blame it on kobe yeah me too you know i don't have problems that wasn't me we've said it the reason we're drinking is because of covid once covid ends we're done exactly i'll be back to normal do it in moderation give me a little bit of time to figure out how to drink again and i'll be holding my own at the front of the reins like the best of them i think the best part of all of this is that saga continues because we haven't even told you guys you guys thought Lauren was a disaster when she's fucked up just wait till you hear what went down on Lauren's

sober date Lauren what are you doing I need a drink before we record this one