Call Her Daddy - 2 - If you’re a 5 or 6, Die for that D*ck

Episode Date: October 3, 2018

Alex and Sofia dive into the differences between 5's and 6's vs 9's and 10's. Depending on where you land on the scale...you may need to work over time in the bedrooom. Plus, Sofia discusses getting caught cheating thanks to her fat a$$.

do you call him daddy do i call her daddy call her daddy happy monday wiener holes it is your girls alexandra Sophia, back. Episode two, Call Her Daddy. Call Her Daddy, motherfuckers. Okay, so first of all, I have to start it. Sophia, how does your vagina feel today? Go. Boom. Do you want me to be honest?

Yeah, tell me. My vagina feels alone, sad. You know, I got..., cringing in the corner. I got a little bit of good feedback from some people. And then my mom slid right in real fast and told me that I'm a disappointment. Sophia is on the lonely track right now. Her mother has abandoned her. However, Alexandra Cooper today is feeling excellent.

I'm feeling alive. I'm feeling light. However, Alexandra Cooper today is feeling excellent. I'm feeling alive. I'm feeling light, tight, right, easy, breezy, beautiful vagina. So I just want to say, first of all, Sophia and I have not seen each other this entire weekend. So hi. Hi. How are you? I missed you. Holy shit.

I know. Sophia and I don't really spend much time alone. The fact that we spend an entire weekend apart is kind of ridiculous. We do not spend time alone. Hours is, we cry. We text all the time. So Sophia went somewhere this weekend. I went somewhere this weekend.

You know, shady shit. And so now we're back. And this is the first time we're seeing each other. So hi, missed you. It's summer. Summer. It's exciting. I just want to say, first of all, if you live in New York

City, you probably can relate when I say people in New York are so different come summertime versus winter. In the winter, do not look at me. Do not talk to me. I will literally rail the shit out of you on the subway if you get in my way. we're transitioning to summer everyone's happy in new york it's like what the fuck is up every single person after five o'clock goes to a rooftop or a bar and it's like we all turn into alcoholics in new york city real fucking quick come summertime yeah it's like right now like like right now hi cheers call her daddy cheers okay so anyway oh we're drinking. Hold on, guys. Did you hear that? Okay.

That was kind of creepy. I sound like a man. Okay. So basically, yeah, summertime, whatever. So summer boss. Good thing I don't have my summer boss. Please. I'm going to go into an actual deep depression.

So Sophia and I joined a gym. Whoa. And well, let's just say that we've gone, I think, almost 10 times, 10 times. And it's been six months. So cheers to that. So we joined a gym. We never go. And Sophia and I, one night, drunkenly, we lost our debit cards. Same night.

Same night. God, we're hoes. And so we lost our debit cards and same night, same night. God, we're hosed. And so we lost our debit cards. And now we're getting emails from our gym saying, hi, your payment isn't going through. Next time you come in, we need to re-up your membership. Safe to say we are avoiding the gym like the motherfucking viral plague. I'm like, I will never go back. You already want to avoid the gym just because it's the fucking gym. And now that we owe money, it's like, I will see you in 2020. Two years from now, I'll never see you again.

Don't look at me. Don't speak to me. Honestly, at one point, our asses looked right and tight. Our abs were definitely appearing in shadows. And now my butt is to the floor, wrapped in cottage cheese, shocking. In a garbage bag. No one wants to fuck me. Fuck that.

We are hard fives. Okay, so, but that's sad because, you know, I don't, no, it's fine. I don't need to look good for anything. It's not like I have fucking three dates this week. Humble brag. Okay, so your girl has three dates this week week and i bet every single one of them is listening to this podcast so i'll definitely go fuck myself later but so i guess that means i have three dates this week too let me just premise it with when i have dates i have this thing where i'm like i know

i don't really like the guy so i have to hang out with sophia so i always like you want a double date and they're always kind of like what the fuck you whore me out i do you whore me out i sit there with like the fucking two while you sit there with the ten and i have to act like i'm having a great time i have to say sophia is the best fucking wingman that i am we will be at the club and you already know who i'm specifically talking about we go to clubs and i'm trying to hook up with this hot guy and i'm like like, Sophia, Sophia, I need you to talk to his friend. But I have to say, without hesitation, you lick your lips. You look a little slutty. You twirl your hair and you're like, I'm on it.

You never give me pushback. And I love you for that. Thank you. Never. I always have your back. You are. I'm in it to win it. And it will be so funny because I'll be sitting there with a guy that's a 1 to a 2 out of 10

acting like I'm have never been more in love with someone in my lifetime I will never forget this guy was the actual opposite of your type and you're like you're like you're you legit I heard you sitting next to me you're so hot oh my god how have I never met you and I'm like dude you didn't have to take it that far but you took it there and more. So I appreciate you for that. And I really respect that. So these guys that I'm going on dates with, I never have been a part of online dating.

So I recently I joined a dating app. Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm saying that. Listen, I don't judge people that do dating apps. I've just never tried it. I recently joined a dating app um you can only go so far with that yeah i heard horror stories you're about to get sued yeah just stop right there so so far i've met one guy off it and it's been a hot success no no no

it's actually been amazing he's cool as shit and that's great so this week i have three dates lined up i'm amazing hi hi they're all listening to this like okay i'm gonna get on my phone after this podcast and they're all gonna have canceled oh fuck um but they're they all seem cool shit so the first one i'm making sophia come on a double date with me and it's gonna be great and i actually think yeah i can't fucking wait to meet the love of my life a hard two a soft three if he buys us a nice glass of wine yeah fuck um so we yeah so we we joined that but i have to say this dating app at least gives me a little bit more hope yeah you're not on it but whatever i'm having fun um because tinder can

suck my ass legit i have had so many people dm me on my instagram send me a picture of myself on a tinder account and it's like hi i'm rebecca from alabama and i like fishing and i will cuddle your asshole that's not me that's the biggest compliment there is though it is nice i'm like oh you want to use my picture what these girls actually look like when they show up for the date low-key i'm always like dude what is this girl doing and my pics they pick the best pics i'm like oh thanks girlfriend but at the same time rebecca fuck off so i am happy i'm not on tinder right now i'm enjoying my time but you know what the whole catfishing thing yeah i have to say and you're gonna have

to explain it but it reminds me of some sandra martinelli shit go no no dude it's so hilarious it's funny go okay because you're genius let Go. Okay. Because you're a genius. Let me preface it, though, with saying last week we said we do not wear crazy with a badge of honor. We know we're fucking nuts. No, no, no. This was crazy, but like fucking serial killer crazy where it's so brilliant. Brilliant. And I'm going to actually own that.

Yeah. We've all been on Instagram, been, you you know four months deep in someone's fucking neighbor's dog's boyfriend cousin boyfriend i guess they do today i was dating this guy and uh we weren't actually even dating let's be honest we went on a few dates we were talking i was on his ex-girlfriend's page four months deep. She was in the Bahamas, looked great in a bikini. I'm like, wow. Wow, zoom in, zoom out. And I did the double tap. I'm sure you guys have fucking heard of it.

You've done it. Whatever. I double tapped this picture that was four months old. And listen to what I fucking did because this is about to blow your minds. I had two and a half minutes to figure something out. I'm like, what do I do? Do I deactivate my account? Where do I go?

I changed my name to Sandra Martinelli. I changed it from Sophia Franklin to Sandra Martinelli. I changed my profile picture to a cartoon. I put my shit on private so you best believe when that bitch went to go look at who looked at her four month old picture or whatever. Sandra

Martinelli looked at the picture. Sophia Franklin at their very moment in time entered the witness protection program. Sophia Franklin was dead. Sandra Martinelli was alive and real and thriving. And there she was. That makes me so happy to think about that. And the best part is, is that I was so into the lie and so terrified that I was going

to get figured out. I left it like that for a few days. And my friends and family were like, are you having an identity crisis? What the fuck is going on? Sandra, Sophia, are you good, bitch? You know what? I'm Sandra Martinelli now. Let's go.

Whatever. That's fucking brilliant. You're brilliant. So, you know what? My advice to anyone, if you ever double tap, change your identity on Instagram good luck you'll be fine we're good we're golden so last week i have to just transition here because i cannot not talk about this last week we addressed this guy oh he's a millionaire and he's got this crazy bitch on his dick so you left out a very important detail that you kind of were talking to him for

a second so the reason this story is so relevant is i did make out with him a couple times i've never slept with the guy he's never put a finger in my pot and then i've never put my mouth in his whatever but we have had some little makeout sessions and he did some weird fucking shit with my ear one time and i was like oh dude i hate when they do that remember i told you i'm on the way home in the uber and he was like he was like blowing in my ear and he's like oh you like that i'm like actually no i'd rather die but go for it there's two holes you should go for and the ear holes are not one of them say though so so he's blowing in my ear and i'm like this is when i knew you can be rich as fuck but i do not like this shit and i'm not into it so we said he has a

crazy ass girl. Boom. Done. They're in Cuba together, even though he doesn't give a shit, she's crazy. Yes. This past weekend, again, I said Sophia and I were not together, I get a DM from this guy's account, but not from him. I'm pulling up my phone right now because, Godspeed,

you best believe. I get a message from his so-called girlfriend. Now, mind you, this guy has been married. He has kids and now he's like dating, serial dating, which is fine. I would do the same thing. I got a shit ton of money. I'm going to fuck bitches, get my money, fucking fatter. Here we go.

So I get a message and it says this is and then she puts her name. He's a lying bastard. Just saying dot, dot, dot. His loving girlfriend. He lies to you. I'm saving you save me jack go fuck yourself bitch you sound crazy and then and then we go look at his instagram profile and what do we see 10 back-to-back photos of the two of them so love shit. He would never in his right mind or drunk mind or high mind post in his life. Yeah, she's going ham and she's posting every pic she has in her photo album of the two of them.

And the captions were like, oh my. And then puts her name. I've never been more in love. The six months I've spent with you have really touched my soul. Bitch, we know it's not you. And his friends were commenting being like, they put the bat emoji and then said crazy. Like, we know it's not you. And his friends were commenting, being like, they put the bat emoji and then said crazy. Like, you're bat shit crazy, bitch.

They put the bat emoji and then the poop emoji. Bat shit. Like, his friends were like, dude, get a hold of your phone. This girl's fucking taking over, hijacking. And so I think we said, okay, the girl said, you know, your entire company is taking over our brains. We're like, oh, wow, she's really pushing it. But the fact that she hacked his Instagram, I'm like, that's the last straw for me.

So if this guy goes back to her, I'm done. I will never let your tongue insert my tongue again. Yes. Bitch. And we said guys love the crazy. That's another level. There has to be a certain threshold of crazy that guys are like no no no no now you're actually done but honestly they'll probably be married tomorrow so let me just say though this

is my thing i also probably should have done more investigation but i have to ask if she's that crazy i don't even really know what she looks like like shame on me i should have been stalking but i didn't really give a shit i do is she there are two options is she a nine or a ten that she's so fucking hot it's like dude whatever i'll take the crazy because she's a dime or is she a five or a six and she is fucking disgusting in bed it's like slob on my motherfucking knob baby i will love you till the end. Which one is it? Because it's got to be one or the two. Is she that hot? She's, I'm not going to answer that.

I'm not going to be a fucking bitch. Okay, so that's what I'm saying. I'm not going to be sitting here judging, but. So let me just say, because starting with that, I think you and I can both say we've had this conversation and we honestly kind of sound like dudes when we talk like this, but all my home girls out there, I've gotten already DMs being like, oh, my God, you sound like us. Girls know this shit. Guys think we don't know that they play these games.

We know. This is what it comes down to. The crazy you can get away more with if you're a 9 or a 10. Yeah. If you're a 5 or a 6, not so much. The sex, if you're a 9 or a 10. Here we go. Compared to a 5 and a 6.

If you are a 5 or a 6. Compared to a 5 and a 6. If you are a 5 or a 6, get your squats in today, bitch. Get on top and ride that thing like you've never done before. You are getting slammed into the wall. You are saying horrible, disgusting, filthy things to get this guy off.

You're going in overdrive, overtime, putting out all the stops, saying fucking porn star shit absolutely come on the face and make it fucking rain baby i'm just putting it out there i'm being honest or if you're a nine or a ten a guy knows he's gotta roll out the red fucking carpet he's gotta be ready because he knows you're not just gonna spread your legs and be like here we go baby let's do the damn thing but also on that same note if you're a nine or a ten you feel and i think a lot of times you do just lay there leg spread starfish have fun

dead fish in the sea you know put it in me i'm gonna put in my headphones put my sleeping mask on go to town on my pussy like whatever let's go so i have to say though okay we you have to i'm gonna bring up the story i bet you forget it um we know this guy that was fucking as he considered now i have to put it out there before we continue this conversation every guy has their definition of a five or six versus a nine or a ten we're not defying whatever whatever so this guy's definition of a five he's like oh i'm fucking a five tonight he had a little situation set up where this girl was a hard five she knew her place she knew i am in it for the dick and i am lucky to be getting this thing right up in me so what he had her do was oh my God. The girl had to climb in the window.

She was not allowed to use the front door. No, she had to climb inside his apartment window and then she would fuck him. But she was not allowed to speak. Not a word. Lay on the bed and do your damn thing. Like I said, she's like she's she's in a workout session. Yeah. Like, show me what you got, bitch.

And the minute he came, get the fuck out. And she had to go out the window. Out the window. Go out the window. In through the window. Out the window. And like, it never happened. I came and you were not even there.

No. This girl crawled in through a window. And you know what, though? At that point, it's kind of like. She might have been a three or a four at that point. She knew. She knew her place. And she's like, I'm going to crawl right in.

I'm going to get the best dick of my life because I bet he fucks. And then she's out. And for her, maybe that's what she needed. You know what? Guys have their needs. Women fucking have their needs, too, motherfuckers. Yeah, maybe that's what she fucking wanted and needed. Maybe he rubbed that thing the right fucking way.

All right. So don't judge. Do not judge. But I have to say with that, I want to talk about. OK, so there's the five or the six. There we go. Whatever. Nines or tens.

Oh, my God. I have got to get her dinner first. We got to talk about life and her parents and where she came from. Shit that guys don't talk about. If you want to fuck, they're just there to fuck. Can I just address to guys all listening, I, and I know you know because we've talked about it, we know about the post-nut clarity that you have.

It's three minutes after, it's about three minutes. I don't know if we have it. We don't have it, we don't guys have it. After you fuck a girl, there are three minutes, maybe's about three minutes. I don't know if we have it. Maybe. We don't have it. We don't guys have it. Yeah. After you fuck a girl, there are three minutes, maybe three to five minutes. Yeah. You lay there and it's like a brighter day. Yeah.

It's like you're seeing heaven for the first time. It's 20, 20 vision. It's clarity to the crystal clear. Yeah. And that's when, you know, if a five or six situation just happened the shame the shame hits you like not even not even you're you're not even shameful that you fucked her it's more so like oh my god it's like the mother's in the corner of the room and you're like god damn that bitch was just disgusting she has my cum all over her face she was slopping that shit around on her face

she was nasty as fuck shit that you see on porn hub that was just going down on my twin size bed now and now you're like you're sitting there and you're like where the fuck is this girl's father is she okay and also what you just what you just mentioned you just cleaned up her fucking eye makeup with your dick let me tell you legit that guy okay listen i know a guy the girl's laying there she wore a shit ton of eyeliner you know you're trying to look good for your dude you know that shit's gonna come off but make it look pretty when you get there and he takes his dick and she's laying there and she's well she's kind of on top of him and he takes his dick and he starts wiping left white like windshield wiper and she's like babe what are you doing he's like babe you got a shit ton of makeup down your cheeks i'm just helping you out wipe that shit

off with my dick gentlemen of the fucking 20th century 21st century century. Oh, fuck. Okay. No, that shit's love. So what I'm saying is, okay, a six, a five, a six, a seven. The guy is praying to God, post not clarity. Fuck, what did I do? This girl's disgusting. Holy shit, where's her dad? Now he's like, I hope this bitch doesn't expect that she's going to sleep here. She better get the fuck out. And that's what they do, though.

And that's what the guys say. It's nice knowing that a five or a six she's gonna let herself out. I don't even have to say it. She's picking up the shoes. And by the way, I didn't even have to get up and get the cum towel. She's going to the bathroom herself. She's getting it. She's

like holding her, like if it's on your stomach or ass. She's like running really quick. On her way out, she's like, did you cum okay? Do you need any refreshments? Okay. i'm gonna walk myself the fuck out and they can go back to sleep and have their video games or they go take a nap they go get food with their boys yeah they're done nine or ten and i'm not shitting on nines or tens listen but i've had my moments of being five i'm like so here we are you'll never forget you heard it you know it head into a pillow my glasses on the back of my head he was fucking her doggie she had sunglasses on that were falling

off of her head and i was like please for the love of god alex tell me that you looked back at him flipped the sunglasses back on your eyes gave him the peace sign and like kept getting railed. I'm like, let's go. I'm getting fucked. But at least I'm owning it. I'm like, yeah, baby. My head was absolutely in a pillow. My mascara was on the white sheets.

But I owned it. And I walked the fuck out and came downstairs to you and you're like eating. I'm like, can I have that waffle? Own it. Love it. Live it. Feel it. Live, laugh, love, baby.

That's what it's about. And you know a nine or a ten the next day is waking up and being like, so where are we getting breakfast? Like, what's happening? I legit know this guy and he told me that he will get in his car, go park around the block and wait for the bitch to leave. Stop. So that she'll just get out. Stop. Yes. Let me say'll just get out. Stop. Yes.

Let me say, though, all of my guy friends, at least, that I've talked to, and again, I'm not shitting on nines or tens. Maybe. Oh, my God. Hold on. Maybe. Maybe there is a guy out there that could label us nines and tens. Hey, guys.

Me. I don't know. I don't know. I'm a soft two leading up to a hard seven. Okay. Anyways, what I'm saying is the nines and tens, I'm not shitting on them. There are some nines and tens that come full packages. They can fuck,

they can eat, they can hang, and they're the full package, but it doesn't come so often. What I'm saying is a lot of guys feel like a nine or a ten is work and I guess that's all we're putting out there. Boom. Done. Walla walla ching chong. We'll never revisit this topic again. Don't worry. Goodbye. Good night.

We'll see you later. I'm just saying if you're a 5 or 6, own it and get on that dick and ride. And if you're a 9 or 10, maybe put a little bit more effort, you know? Don't be a dead fish. Show your strength. Move your hips. Take it from a 9 to a 10 to like I'm a fucking 11 and 12 because I fuck like a porn star, look like a porn star.

Boom. Baby. Done. Done. 11 and 12 because I fuck like a porn star look like a porn star boom baby done done so I have to say I think you're looking over there a little bit like you're off the hook do you know what I'm talking about last week we said last week we said Sophia you're gonna talk about your cheating scandal well although it's the end of the podcast take it away baby girl and I'm not proud of it again with like the whole psycho thing i'm not proud of being a psycho i need help um and i'm not proud of cheating i really think my next relationship i won't cheat i really think my next relationship i won't cheat all right so i'm

cheating for the rest of my life goodbye bye so uh i'm just gonna make it short i'm in thailand with my family and i get a text from the guy I was dating. He says, you are the most disgusting human being. I just heard the most repulsive things about you. Fuck you. We're never talking again. I'm in Thailand, you know, on the fucking beach. Pina Colada.

What's up? Babe, wrong number. I'm soaking up the sun this sun like you meant to send that to someone else he's like no you're gross i'm like and you know because i had that guilty cheating ass bitch conscience i'm like what did he know how where yeah exactly i'm like going through it in my head finally after like two days he tells me you butt dialed my friend while you were fucking

and I cannot make this shit up I had been hanging out with him and his best friend and the next day some shit went down and I guess I ended up butt dialing his friend during my sexual relations. Wait, wait, wait.

You never fully told me this story. Hold the fucking phone. So you're fucking and you're fat ass. Yes. You're fat. Sophia. Yes. Okay.

And I didn't believe him. I was like, you're fucking lying. So I saw in the next the next you know three days in thailand on the phone with verizon wireless like verizon who the fuck did i call on april 29th at fucking 1 a.m you better come to verizon or i'm gonna fuck you up verizon and my mom the whole time is like get off the phone we're in thailand and i'm like you know what mom you can go this is serious verizon tells me you made three phone calls to blah blah blah and they were like eight minutes a piece so wait shut the i swear to god i'm getting railed no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Your mom's listening. I'm making love, Mom. I'm making love. And this guy is listening to me for a full 24 minutes.

Wait, wait. How many times did you call him? I butt dialed him three times. Shut up. Back to back to back. Like, he finally, after, you know. Wait, wait, wait. After.

How long were the conversations? Hold on. They were eight minutes each. Shut the. So, what is he? Touching his wiener? Like, he finally, after, you know... Wait, wait, wait. After... How long were the conversations? Hold on. They were eight minutes each. Shut the... So, what is he, touching his wiener? Let's just... Let's see. I must sound great.

You know what? How about that? Dear God, he's jacking off to you fucking another guy. Wait. Unless he's eating a bowl of pasta. Take me notes. Like, and then she proceeded to put the bleep in her bleep. I'm like, I hope those were great cums.

For real. Thank you, you piece of those were great cums. For real. Thank you, you piece of shit. For tattling on me. So he's listening to you fucking another guy. Stays on the phone. Dude. And also, in his mind, he probably should have thought, oh, she's probably fucking my best friend. Who's her boyfriend.

You know the best thing? He probably was listening. You know, he was jacking off. He finished. And then I was like, no, babe, you're not done. I'm going to butt dial you again you're in for another come let's go

how the fuck do I butt dial three times back to back to back you're joking the answer is Sophia your ass is fucking huge my ass is fucking fat as shit. I need that gym membership.

No, it's a hot fucking ass. Boom. Jiggle all up on this fucking phone and we're going to butt dial 20 times. Dude, that's crazy. At that point, I was like, you know, maybe I am kind of a disgusting person. I'm sorry. I'm over it. No, that,

okay, I had to give you i'm crying a little bit i hope this doesn't go on our reel because i have tears in my eyes dude that's that's genius i love the cheating story i love everything about it i don't love it but go on no but like you said you're moving on you're one with the lord you're one with the lord and you're never gonna do it again i mean maybe you'll do it again. No, no, no. In that way, your phone's going to be on the bed stand table. On record, I will never cheat again. And if I do, my phone will

be in the other room. Boom! No! Okay, so. I'm getting killed. Okay, go on. I'm just going to say that's actually an unbelievable, brilliant way to put it. I have, I was gonna keep going, but I think we have to end on that. I mean, Sophia,

I know. At the end of the day, your ass is huge. Mother of God. It's not my fault. I should have just told him that. You know what, babe? It wasn't my fault. I've been eating a little too much. My butt's huge. I'll make sure I'm fucking tiny the next time I cheat on you.

Dude, listen, I think that's brilliant. I think it's pure gold. And I think, listen, you learned your lesson. Lesson learned. I just want to say I appreciate everyone listening to us. I think some people may think we've lost our minds a little bit. But you know what? Authenticity is the tit.

It's the titties and we're rolling with it so i hope you guys enjoy this podcast i hope you stay with us i hope at this point when you're fucking your man you say call me motherfucking daddy yes because that's what it should be yes but no seriously i hope you guys enjoyed the time with us we are definitely having fun here with our beers and we're gonna go home and we're just gonna enjoy our night it's monday night yeah live your life live laugh love absolutely thank you guys for listening call her daddy episode two Bye.