Call Her Daddy - 73- SUPLEH

Episode Date: February 19, 2020

Do you call him daddy? Do I call her daddy? Call her daddy. What's up guys? It is Alexandra Cooper back at it again for another episode of Call Her Daddy. And Arnold. Arnold, how are you today? George, how are you today? George, how are you today? Bruce

Bruce How are you doing today, buddy? Well, I thought I would be better by this point But I'm not It's gotten worse I promise next week we will be better So just bear with me one more time So I think sometimes I'll call her daddy

Like I want to come in here and I want to talk about like sucking dick But I am re-watching Gossip Girl and it's all that's on my mind right now and I want to just like quickly ask you a few questions I'm really sorry to any of the men listening no I watch Gossip Girl to fall asleep at night and tell me I can't recite every single line it's like I wish there was like a cooler show you could recite but you're like when serena was standing on the footsteps and nate was running away when blair was at the helipad and chuck didn't show up and she went to therefore fuck the guy in the helicopter i just saw that episode such a good one so i wanted to ask you what character do you resonate with because i feel

like a lot of people always write in and they're like oh you guys remind me of serena and blair like friendship goals kind of vibe but i just wanted to know like who do you resonate with like are you a blair no absolutely not i would almost say serena i was gonna say that more too drugs alcohol in and out of the game like yeah acting disappearing having like you and your mom and like that just sounds like i am fucking well that's kind of like what your life story has i haven't disappeared i just oh oh you had brooklyn tbt last year yeah yeah yeah that was for a night oh well um yeah but like kind of are more like and the way she is kind of with men a little bit oh yeah just kind of are more like Serena. And the way she is kind of with men a little bit. Oh, yeah. Just kind of. Like, kind of like some daddy-ish.

Yes. That's 100%. Where is Serena's dad? He's, like, gone, and then he comes back sooner and later in episodes. Gotcha. I kind of agree with you. I think that I'm not like Blair, but I do think the side of Blair where she's, like, so scheming all the time I feel like that's like

oh my god yeah it's kind of like how like MILF Hunter and I would come up with like actual whiteboard plans of how to like right like do things with my life also you're like confidence level oh thanks no it's a compliment oh thank you yeah you're very like self-assured oh thank you I feel like I'm kind of like you're, I don't know if I'm hot. Take a picture of me, Alex. You're like pretend to not know. And then you're like, my tits are out. Take a picture.

OK, wait, let's talk about the men really quickly. Of all the men. I would fuck Chuck upwards, sidewards, in and out. More than Nate. I could see like Nate. Oh my God. So this is the thing. Chuck is my cup of tea.

I always like to go for like the fucking douche lords of the century nate would be too boring for me i would have been like i'm so bored with him in like a week he's gorgeous yeah my friend hooked up with him in real really yeah in real life oh what did she is she said it was like good she didn't say it was like amazing did she give you like penis size I don't remember but I will ask her and get back to her for a period of my life this is like a very random side note but for a period of my life I was like I was destined to hook up with Chase Crawford and I just kept unfollowing him and refollowing him hoping he would notice me he never noticed um

Chase if you're out there hit me up but then you switched and you decided you like chuck well no in the show i like chuck because he's like a pig and he's gross and he's like wishy-washy and like can never commit and like to me guys with issues there's something about there's nothing better yeah we gotta change that dan humphrey would you ever fuck dan humphrey fuck no oh so i have no idea why we just brought that up but okay so you would want to fuck chuck and you think you're more you're more like serena yeah i was i went to jail multiple times that's actually so accurate also but yes serena's voice oh like guys guys if you're still listening you need to fucking hear this because i cannot breathe when Alex does this impression. Chalk. Chalk. Stop. Dan. Dan. I know.

Dan, I know. What? What? That's not her voice in real life. It's like the nasally, like, oh my God. Blake Lively, you are everything I want to be in my life. Yes. But in this show, chalk.

Oh my God. Chalk. Chalk. She like doesn't open her mouth all the way. It's like lock, jock, chalk. Dan. Blair. I know we've had our issues.

But Thanksgiving. You sound exactly like her. And it's like, is she going to take a shit? Is she constipated? I don't fucking know. Okay, let's get into the episode. Hey, guys, what's up? Let's actually start. Sophia has something she wants to talk about.

Something really, really terrifying happened to me. I was sitting in my room and I got a call from the doorman, which is strange because they usually only call when I've ordered food and I haven't. Right. And so the doorman called up and he said, someone here is looking for you they want to hand deliver a package okay but the package is addressed to a name that is not yours so that's creepy yeah it's already weird already yeah that's weird yeah and i asked the guy and i'm like okay who is it addressed to he says the name of my fake instagram account i just want everyone to understand how fucking terrifying that is i was like there's someone in the lobby wanting to hand deliver me a package that is addressed to the name on my

fake instagram account and my fake instagram account there's only one person in this world that knows what that name is and she is sitting across from me hello Vicky hello Vicky Smith how are you today you're gonna have to change that one um okay so you know I'll have time to change it by the time this comes out I'm like Vicky okay that is fucking thing. Yes, guys. It was Sandra Martinelli. It became Vicky Smith after all you assholes knew about Sandra. So the package was addressed to Vicky Smith. So you call me. I called Alex freaking the fuck out.

And I was like, dude, are you like playing a prank? Like, are you behind this? Alex is on her way somewhere to therapy. And she was like, I have no idea? Alex is on her way somewhere. To therapy. To therapy. And she was like, I have no idea what you're talking about, dude. And Alex, you guys, we all know she's not the best person to turn to in times of crisis. When there's something scary. I was like, Sophia, hold on. Don't open the package.

There's going to be a bomb. She literally said there might be a bomb so don't open it also the thing about having a fake account is like you you make the name yeah and you don't really like identify with that name yes yes it's not you you never say it out loud no you never think about it other than like in your personal intimate moment when you shift from your main to your face yeah and it's just for like a millisecond like so when they said that name it took me a second to like understand that it was the fake account so the doorman literally said vicky smith yes and you shit yourself i go downstairs

to get the package i'm like someone's not sending me anthrax like i'm not that important okay alex stop wait what it's fine i can open this package okay well i at least wanted to see who sent it like where it was coming from yeah i see i wouldn't even gone down the doors bunker up baby call the SWAT team i'm too nervous well and i for a moment i was like maybe someone had figured me out they had figured out my fake account and they were like trying to fuck with me that's what we figured yeah so I go down there I see that it's coming from San Diego and I'm like oh my god this is from one of my really good friends I'm gonna call her Alexa and I was like Alexa I'm pretty

sure I did in fact tell her about my fake account a few weeks back like during like a drunken conversation you asked her to send you drugs smuggle them in the box and you didn't want it on your own name you fucking piece of shit we know just say it for what it is you didn't want the Fucking to be put in

Sophia's name and slid into Our doormats so you asked for her to I will not I will not confirm Or deny that It's smart it's smart I get it but it's Terrifying but she had Sent me and I called her and I Was like you little bitch

Did you really address This to my fake account and she like burst Out laughing and she was like you little bitch did you really address this to my fake account and she like burst out laughing and she was like yes like that is so fucking well kudos to your friend because she's actually funny as shit for doing that but yeah I can see the heart attack the thing about fake accounts and like I hope everyone has a fake account because they're really so fun Sophia and I always talk about it it's like I have more fun on my fake account. Oh, 100%. I'm on it more. You're seeing things you should not be seeing. And it is, it's a wild ride when you like go in there and it's so much more fun. Yeah. And also there's like this huge adrenaline rush because

you're like, I could get caught at any moment. But like either from the people I'm following or from like, you know, the guy sitting next to me. Like, ooh. Yeah. But I did want to say something about fake accounts. Make sure that your fake account is not, because you have to be hooked up to an email or a phone number for an Instagram. And I'm assuming you're a fucking dumbass and you've got it connected to your phone number. Wait, you're scaring me. So what you do is you need to- Can they see your phone number?

No. If you're on private, you're fine. But if they really wanted to do some investigation, they could try to see who the account is connected to and like could do some research. So it would your phone number could come up somewhere. So I just think it's always good to be super safe. Create a fake email in the name of your fake account. That's what I did. And so the only thing that's attached to it is an email.

So say my say my fake account name is George Michelson. My email I make, georgemichelson at gmail.com. You connect it to your Instagram, and therefore there's no trace back to you as the individual. Great. People around the world are, like, trembling. Yeah, so I just wanted to show that. I'm about to, like, go to Verizon and, like like set up an entire phone plan for the fake account literally so that's just a fun little hackeroony um there's something that i want to talk about that's near and dear to my heart okay

i like to talk about my lack of sleep and my sleep deprivation we know well there's something about it i just like when i feel like i'm suffering i can never be like a silent sufferer i need people to come come join actually it's interesting you bring that up because i was thinking about that the other day when i'm with my other friends i'm the complainer and all of my friends are always like shut the fuck up but when i'm with you i don't because you take the suffering to another level that one of us has to be like let's leave the house today let's take a shower and get the deodorant on today so you really put me in a in a hard position wow i'm actually happy that i'm sure yeah i provide that yeah thanks yeah all of my friends we all are just complainers.

I text a complaint. They hit me back with one of their complaints. We go back and forth. Jet lag. I posted about it one time on my story when I was traveling and I did it once. Okay. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed and I didn't post it to be like yeah oh like i'm suffering from

jet lag it was jet lag that's how they say it jet lag they don't even say the g they go jet lag jet lag i'm suffering from jet lag what jet lag i posted it and i was like does anyone legitimately i hadn't slept for like four days and I'm like, no, actually though, like does someone have any remedies for this? Oh, here you go. The girls that are Instagram influencers, they're usually hot and they are usually the girls that are like globe trotting. Yes.

Is that what it's called? Globe trotters. Sugar babies or globebetrotters. Sugar babies. Or globetrotters. They are constantly traveling. And every single time they land in the location, they act like it's this surprising thing. And they're like, picture of themselves. Pouty lips. Tits out.

Areola. Like kind of peeking. I really know who knows what areola is. Areola is the area around the nipple yes the areola is like kind of peaking and the clit's like through the bra the clit could potentially be at the bottom of the screen where like the swipe up absolutely like she tucked the clit a little bit up to the left corner to make it in the screen and she takes the picture and she's like jet lag help me jet lag right stop stop i did it once and i was embarrassed like there are huge problems

happening in the world and if you are that girl that is complaining about jet lag you gotta do it one time you're like one time like i did and then we're done. No, I agree, Sophia. I'm glad you're bringing that up because it also is kind of sad because I hate these girls because they don't have jobs. They're so hot. They're traveling around the world. It's like a jealousy. It's a little jealousy. It's a little jealousy dog.

And I get annoyed. But I do get what you're saying because I follow multiple people that it is every week when they land, it is like not like, oh my God, I'm so excited to be in Tokyo. It's like, can't wait for Tokyo. But first, jet lag. Well, because actually I was about to, you know what I was about to say is they have nothing else to complain about. I don't know their lives.

No, but we're going to pretend we do. But I'm going to pretend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think the moral of the story is is like be self-aware of the jet lag the same goes with when people are like i'm sick send help it is different you and i've both done it when i actually have been genuinely confused what my illness was and the daddy gang is like so fucking great and half of them are doctors yeah it's actually surprising and then they'll write in remedies when a girl looks kind of hot when she's sick. And she's like, so sick.

Send soup. So when a girl says send soup, send help. You can just kind of erase that and write, I need attention desperately. Or send help. I need soup. Send help equals I need attention. I'm feeling insecure. Please.

Next time I want to challenge any Instagram girl that says send help if you're gonna write that on your instagram this is the caller daddy challenge you have to put your address oh you have to put your address if you're gonna fuck around with that then put your address i fucking let people come give you help bitch that was great today it's just send help, jet lag. Jet lag. Last point. Sorry, we're going off. But the Instagram voice. We're doing the jet lag voice because there are girls that literally have an Instagram voice.

Well, there's a radio voice, right? And like sometimes girls get on the microphone and they really want to boogie down to some 80s. Turn up the volume, guys. It's Saturday night. We're kicking it old school. Okay. And jamming and jamming. You got Sophia on the track.

But they go on Instagram and they... It wasn't that funny. I don't know why. I thought that was really funny. They go on Instagram. I was going to say her name, but we're not going to do that. Please, Alex does this impression. This girl is probably top five hottest girls on Instagram.

Drop dead gorgeous. Do her voice right now. Because it's not real. Guys, I just want everyone to self-reflect this year. Finding, living, doing what we need to do and then i swear i hear in the background of one she's like yo margaret get me my beer and i'm like no no no sweetie that's not your voice your voice it is so obvious so fucking obvious oh my god the instagram oh god just constantly please write us in things that bother you on instagram because guys it's it makes that's my day that makes my day bitching

i already know that we're gonna have so many people be like sophia but your actual voice sounds fake and made up and like this sad thing is that very whiny valley girl voice is like genuinely me yes and it's something i've had to like suffer i actually this is a really random side note but i had a um and we can finish here but i was at my hairdresser and a girl that works there did not listen to our podcast because of my voice well kind of actually yeah you're really fucking us um no but she was saying how she like never listened because the first couple episodes she was like it was just so jarring to hear two girls be so raunchy and so vulgar and use so much profanity yeah she's like it kind of is like adjusting to heavy metal i'm sitting there i'm like okay but what she ended up saying was like once you get used to it then you almost can't go back and listen to another podcast

but she said sophia's voice specifically she didn't even say it's annoying she said you sound like a movie character and it sounds affected and I was like the thing is sweetheart is actually it has gotten better since I met you oh yeah oh my god you give me like a little you know can of beer and like a little Xanax bar. Oh, and it is gone. I sound like. Guys. Guys. And like people will record me and I'm like, I do not fucking sound that way.

Yeah. Wow. We just took that 50 different directions that didn't need to go, but that's it. Hope you guys enjoyed our rant. Last week I talked about how I met my guy on a dating app. Yeah. They broke up. We did. I met my guy on a dating app. Yeah. They broke up. We did.

I'll be back on there. You'll see me soon. No. I talked about that and I just wanted to talk about the fact that leading up to that point, I was going on the most horrifying dates of my life. Yeah. And it's not all rainbows and butterflies and compromise my voice is so horrible right now i'm sorry oh so sophia was talking about her bad experience

of dating before she met suit man yes and i was like holy, I've had the same fucking experiences. Oh, and it is the worst. Yeah. When you have broken up with a man. Yes. And you are trying to get over him and you're trying to get back in the dating game. Yep. Going on a bad date is kind of the worst thing. I had one of the worst series of dates of my life.

I remember that time. We were back. We were living in, we can say it now, the 301. Well, we say it all the time. Everyone knew where we lived. It was great. We were living in the 301. Our lives were kind of depressing back then. We've definitely gone up from there. And I had just broken up with this guy that I think was like the true love of my life. Like I literally was so in love with this man that I was like, I could, that was the first person in my life I thought I could marry.

Yep. I remember him well. And we broke up and it was like really hard for me and I was going through a really depressing time. And so I went through a like dry spell where I wasn't going on any dates. I was sitting in my bedroom

and Sophia finally was like, Alex, you need to get the fuck out there and start dating again which I think though it's smart to do that to have the time that you just spend alone in your room when it's very recent but like eventually you gotta yeah you need to like get the fuck out and stop being like a creepy that was a hard time I remember yeah I was like dark dungeon girl like literally in my room by myself every night so finally I was like okay I'm gonna break the seal and I'm gonna start dating again and when I tell you guys that like there were a span of

three dates to kick off losing my dating virginity again that you can't make this shit up no back to back to back you were so I felt so bad. You were, felt so defeated. Defeated. Like miserable. After that third date. I'm going to quickly give you like a little run through. The first date I go on, this guy happens to listen to the podcast. But at first he was trying to pretend like he didn't listen.

I show up, we go to like this Mediterranean place in New York City. It was in the middle of summer. And he is so fucking nervous like but in a in a weird way nervous like I know people get nervous for dates and I also could see how but going on a date with us I can see like it's like oh fuck are they gonna put me on their show like it can be a little right right fucking scary so we're talking we're talking he is chugging water chugging drinks, sweating bullets. He's friends with the manager at this place and it gets so bad.

Well, no, he gets so nervous at this point that he whispers to his friend that works there. And two minutes later, the waiter brings over a fan. No. And I'm not making this up. The guy literally asked. Wait, like a little fan that you hold with your hand? Nope, a fan. They put it on the ground and they tilted it up to him

because when I tell you the perfusive sweating that was going on, it was like awkward. I wanted to be like, do you need like a cloth? Wait, please tell me that you guys were laughing. So finally I was like, oh shit. And we kind of laughed about it, but it didn't get any better. So then halfway through the date, finally is like yeah um you know what I'm gonna be so honest with you one of my friends listens I'm like oh they always the friend it's always the friend

in quotation marks he said yeah my friend actually listens I told him I was going on a date with you tonight. And he was like, dude, if it's the last thing you do, you have to fuck her. Oh. Oh, that probably made you feel really great and comfortable. Thank you. Every girl, picture yourself in my situation when a man just says that to you and you're like oh oh oh so your goal tonight is right literally if anything just get the story of like fucking right I'm like okay cool cool no wonder he's sweating bullets he's like if it's the last thing I do mission impossible god a fucker so naturally I keep hanging out with him because why would I get up and leave I'm like desperado you're like any

guy no and exactly at that point I was so like determined to be like no I can make this a better night we keep drinking and naturally as a sociopath would do the man invited me back to his apartment I said yes are you I know dude I remember knowing I didn't want to go and I went. The whole situation was extremely scary. He was like this rich ass guy, but living in this four story, creepy ass New York unfinished apartment. Each floor was unfinished. The furniture was kind of like had tapers over them. And like the whole thing was strange. We went up to the fourth floor.

We started making out. The fact that you didn't. I know. But it's not even like you were being dumb it's like i know you alex cooper right like right that is your worst nightmare my worst that's how i know your level of depression over your ex-boyfriend at this point was a 10 i kind of was like kill me bitch no matter what right i will make this night fun i'm upstairs we're hooking up and you know i do think that like hooking up with a guy and, like, it being rough is hot.

However, on a first hookup, after nobody knows where I am in New York City, this guy and I start hooking up. And he's, like, kind of strangling me. And I'm starting. So there's, like, tarps surrounding you and, like, construction tools. And he starts strangling you I was and if you have followed our show at all you know how paranoid I am about someone killing everyone would be paranoid and so I literally started to realize like no something's off about this guy something's weird and I kept trying to be like oh okay I think I'm gonna go and he's like no stay pushes me down finally Finally, I left. I got out of there. So I leave and I get home and I'm alive.

That was my first date back at it again from being like literally miserable, depressed. So you escape. The next one I've told the story. I show up to the date. The guy seems so cute. Harvard grad lives in Chicago. Love a little long distance moment. Halfway through the date, he grabs my arm, says, I need to tell you something.

I say, what? He says, please don't expose me on your podcast. I say, I promise. He says, I'm engaged. I say, what? He said, yes. And I say, what the fuck? Like, this cannot be happening to me.

No. Like, you guys, I would fully at that point, if I i were you i would think there were no good men left in the world right yes i am like this you've got to be fucking with me how long after was this date um i would say this was like a few days later i would say this is next week no next week i got right back on it okay so i'm literally sitting I was so excited about that guy he's engaged this is my last and third date the next guy is a guy he was like a songwriter he was from Nashville he was super attractive any songs we know actually yeah he wrote like a Selena Gomez song actually that says nothing because she's like the worst fucking singer ever but like whatever um so I was like pretty excited he was coming into town we had a

date set up I thought I was gonna really like him via text message he was pretty outgoing um and had like a good sense of humor and really got my sarcasm so you had high hopes I had high hopes this is the thing I don't have um like a height of a guy that like the guy needs to meet a requirement of a height I have dated a lot of guys that guy that like the guy needs to meet a requirement of a height i have dated a lot of guys that are tall like pretty tall yes but the thing i do have an issue with is catfishing i don't like when a man puts on his dating app that he's six two and he shows up and he's like five fucking seven like i'm sorry but i wouldn't have worn heels do you know what i mean yes like it's kind of fucked up that is extremely fucked like he wasn't five seven but he was like maybe like five nine and he's like I'm six two so like

wait he said it said six two on his profile um it said that on the I stalked like a roster he had been on in college so he's lying just his whole life his whole life he's six two and pushing through oh that rhymed so i um go to meet him it was a lovely brisk summer day and i walked over to mr purple if everyone knows it's like kind of a really it's i don't even know what it is it's a bar it's a bar and it's a rooftop bar and um i show up he turns the corner he is so much fucking shorter than he said he was so that was like my first like a little bit of annoyance but i'm like whatever like his face is really hot so like we'll go with it and this is gonna sound so weird and sophia i've kind of talked to you about it before and i still can't fully articulate it and you don't get

it but i have this thing with men where the minute I like see them and it's not a superficial like what they look like thing, just their body language. And once they start talking to me for like two seconds, I can tell if I hate someone or like them. Oh my God. The minute I meet them. Alex. That sounds so strange.

No, you've told me this before and I still cannot wrap my brain around it I don't understand like the minute I meet the guy I just know if I'm gonna like him the fact that you can just look at them and know if we're gonna work or not interesting and when he turned the corner I was like nope it had nothing to do with looks like I could just tell his body language his lack of confidence like there was just something going on that I just knew so the night goes on and I start to drink to the point of almost a blackout I'm like I want to like this guy and maybe just maybe a couple more tequilas and he's gonna look six two and he's gonna feel like a good guy that I like and I vibe with we get so hammered at mr purple we go around the corner to get sushi he goes to the bathroom and every girl fucking can relate to this all of a sudden the drunk hit

me and i wasn't as numb anymore and i just start to think about my ex not slim shady but the ex at the time that i was in love with yeah and i just start bawling in the middle of blue ribbon sushi wait i don't remember i am i right i know i didn't really tell many people like actual tears when i tell you my mascara is down to my chin i am sobbing in front of my spicy tuna eating my fucking food just sobbing and this guy comes back from the bathroom and go that is like like what the fuck and I couldn't I was like oh my god I miss him and like this is miserable I hate this guy I hate the other guy the other guy's engaged the other one's a serial killer and at this moment I knew I need the night to end I need the night to end because I'm getting

to the point uh you think no you're like and then you know after I cried into my sushi and I was seconds away from a blackout I figured I was like let's wrap it up let's go to one more bar like what we were so close to our apartment in the Lower East Side we go to one more bar I'm standing with him I hate him at this point I hate him I can't stand him you know when a man started like literally Physically gross you out like Not from what he looks like but everything About him is just pissing you off yes the way he's

Speaking the way he's picking up his glass the way He's looking like yes could be doing everything Right right but to me I'm sure he was devil Yeah he was you're like you're not My ex then you are you are Shit yeah I have a girl to my right and i feel like this weird connection like i just feel like i know her or there's something going on so he's to my left

a girl to my right i'm standing at the bar and this girl just nudges me and goes daddy gang and i'm not kidding you this sounds like it's made up i swear to god it's fucking not because i will never forget this and i don't know where this girl is in the world right now but shout out bitch i turned to her and i realized this is my fucking moment to escape daddy gang is here they're going to help me i dude i fucking turned to this girl while the guy is ordering i'm sorry this is like just reminding me so much of like those sex trafficking things where like you're what yes when you're like with your captor and you have to like somehow relay the information to someone to let them know you're not safe they're like you're like hand her a piece of paper it says daddy dude i'm not kidding that's like yes that is literally

what i poor guy he has no idea he did nothing wrong i turn to this girl while he's ordering drinks and i say i need to get out of here i am on a date with this guy he's super hot super successful pretty sure he's rich when i leave can you please slide over and start flirting with him and she literally looks me in the eyes and she goes got you got what a tender i am I am like, daddy, motherfucking, yes. So he looks left to go buy his drink. And when I tell you I wore sneakers out that night, I book it home. I run five blocks as fast as I can, bawling my eyes out. Oh, my God.

I am bawling my eyes out like a fucking little baby back bitch. And you're like, no one will ever compare to him get me home like just a mess i'm a human being and i have feelings and i was having one of those fucking nights where i was just not okay and a little bit of alcohol and a fucking man a lot a bit a lot yeah and a lot of horrible nights out with men i was feeling like there's no one better than my ex at this point i get home i'm sobbing there's a knock on my door right you were not oh my god lauren was not home no one was home with me yet again alex feeling like i'm about to get murdered i crawl to our door because you know our floors were squeaky and i don't want anyone to know i'm here

yes i look through the peephole who is it the man i went on the date with oh is outside did he pick you up so he knew where you live no listen to how he knew what my address was when we were talking first of all can we acknowledge how not okay not okay not okay like just so fucking weird when we had been talking over the couple weeks he had offered in like a cute way to get me uber eats best way to a girl's heart order her uber eats unfortunately though when you do that you give the guy your address so he had my address from a couple weeks before I look in the peephole I start crying more I'm like this can't be happening why is he here what am I gonna do I literally just stare at him he keeps knocking and I just walk into my bedroom and I close the door and I just keep crying and I

literally just go to sleep he was out there for a good 15 minutes oh my god I then had text or dms from daddy gang being like yo by the way there's a guy outside of our building asking if you live here we let him in so thanks guys for that yeah so like it's actually 301 right to your left go ahead and if she doesn't answer on the first try just keep yeah or you can go around and go through the window there's like a little lever it's perfect so that was my three dates in a row that i knew i was going back into dark dungeon alex i was like i'm fucking done with this it thank you so much for sharing that was like so long no it wasn't it was perfect the thing is is when you break up with a guy it is this super delicate balance that you have to do yeah where you have

to like stay home and take care of yourself yes but you also like need to force yourself to go out and like live in the world so you can actually meet other people yes but then if you have a bad date and if you have them back to back to back there is nothing worse there's nothing worse you literally it makes you want to run into the arms of your ex and be like let's just get married let's just do this there's nothing else out there's no one else no one I've got the serial killers I got the songwriters that come to my doors I got the fanboy I got it's nothing is better and it makes you appreciate them more when really the advice I have from all those horrible dates is like I was in the most depressed state.

I missed him. But the point was like after those three dates, I took like a little break and then I went back out and I went on a date with a guy and I really fucking liked him. Yeah. And I like dated him for a little bit and I had so much fun with him. And I swear to God, guys, if you are in a situation where you're feeling so fucking like helpless, you're like, I'm having the worst luck. I'm not finding any guys or girls that I'm like hitting it off with.

Like my rule that I was giving my friends and myself at the end there was you cannot end on a really bad date. You have to force yourself with two weeks to go back out and just at least be left with a date that was like he was really cool but like I don't know not but not a traumatic one like this right tell us your also it's like a numbers game if you go on enough yeah you will come across a good one yeah yeah yeah raise your hand if you have ever had toilet paper stuck to your vagina. I just raised my hand.

You guys can't see me, but I raised it. This is an interesting phenomenon. It's an interesting... I'm not calling it a phenomenon, toilet paper stuck to your vagina. No, no. But it has happened to Alex and I, and I think it's happened to a lot of you And we want to discuss it Because it's going to bring meaning

To a overarching larger theme Messy sex I will be the antagonist Alex will be the protagonist Everybody sit back Please relax as we proceed to the new segment Messy sex, bitches. Sex is supposed to be nasty and messy.

And for some reason, people don't understand that. And they get so hung up when shit like toilet paper in their vagina happens. Right. We're here to say it happens to the best of us. Alex, tell us about when this happened. So I was hooking up with this guy. Lots of love, lots of affection. And we were super getting intimate, hot and heavy.

I smoked in the morning. I was high. I was ready to have high morning sex. He is going down on me. I'm ready to get that pussy licked. Oh my God, that's just so disgusting. I was ready to get eaten out. He goes down and all of a sudden I'm like closing my eyes, like feeling the moment.

And then the moment stops because I hear him and i'm like why the fuck is he speaking and he proceeds to say hey babe you have toilet paper stuck to your vagina and r.i.p to the girl okay okay i will never forget that moment this is recently two guys and he proceeds to and i felt it no no no he takes plucked it plucked it from your labia he plucks the toilet paper from my labia and kind of like holds it up like a little trinket like a little mistletoe he's like hey babe like stringing it in the air and i look up at him and i wanted to fucking die I'm going to go ahead and take over here. Mm-hmm. I was hooking up in a car with my boyfriend in high school. Okay.

My first love, I would say. And he was about to go down on me. Love it. And he stopped and came back up. And I will never forget the look on his face was completely disgusted and said you have toilet paper stuck to you you should clean up what he didn't even he didn't even pluck it off he just left it he was like you need to take care of that type of thing oh see that that's a little difference between the bitch boys during high school.

Yes, I'm in high school, so this really resonated with me. This rocked his world, too. His world, and then it resonated with me for the rest of my life, and I was forever scared of that. And now I always double check the labia. I look inside the flap, outside the flap. Flap them over. The clit, I lift up the clit. I look underneath.

Is it stuck by the butthole nope because i use double strong charmin ultra you will never ever catch that again dude this is the shit guys listen when i was a young thug back in the day high school swinging swinging my pussy around looking for the largest dick in town i i jesus christ really okay no no i remember when i was younger i went through this is about to be so fucking random but i'm trying to explain messy sex i remember i went through this really strange period in high school which now granted sounds fucking popping off but i was like would get so wet when I was hooking up with the guy because my hormones were just I was just, you know, coming into my womanhood. Okay.

Yeah. Sue me. Okay. Squirting queen in the making. Yes. Okay. Yes. But it could intimidate the young lads back in the day.

I could see that and I remember it back then when a guy would go to hook up with me and start fingering me and he'd be like oh my god you're so wet I got so embarrassed yeah and I was so upset and I'm like fuck like that's so embarrassing like why am I so wet granted I would fucking love that now like that's a girl's dream right but when I was younger and uneducated about how sex is supposed to be nasty and messy and wet I that was like a little thing that I was younger and uneducated about how sex is supposed to be nasty and messy and wet, that was like a little thing that I was so insecure about. And I'm like, that's a perfect example of women getting self-conscious about things going not perfectly. And my wetness gets on the sheets and then I want to go die the next day. Yeah.

Because this is the thing. Men have the one thing. Erectile dysfunction. The penis won't get up or the penis stops getting up mid-fuck it's usually the only thing men could really be embarrassed about during sex right even if a dude fucking farts during sex yeah i'm gonna go ahead and say like he doesn't really give a fuck yeah but women if his balls and dicks stink doesn't give a fuck it's you can be grossed out but you don't really you don't care

because it's a man yeah women girls are still under the impression that sex is supposed to be perfect and clean and run smoothly from start to finish and it doesn't work that way and the thing is is no girls talk about what sex is actually like yeah and we're about to do it you've had some horrible moments share i will never live this down tell us just do it but i'm doing this because we want to normalize it normalize it exactly the pussy is a beautiful thing giving it so much power yeah sex shit fuck it no go ahead you're avoiding it now let's just say it i was hooking up with a boy a boy it was five years old a man a man and the sex was great mm-hmm i pulled off of his dick so he could ejaculate and I I want to die I looked at his penis and it looked like it fat cottage cheese and i really at that moment was contemplating death death or become a lesbian because hopefully they understand the female body better and they won't shame me for it it was the worst shit of my life oh my so you had a yeast infection i had a yeast

infection and he fucked it out of you or fucked it onto his own dick he he he marinated his dick in it oh in the greek yogurt no in that moment in that moment yes how do you even rebound from a moment i had to address it, obviously. Yeah, what did you say? I said, I am so sorry. I guess I must have a yeast infection. I guess. I didn't know.

I guess you went there. I'll take care of it. Toodaloo. Like, I don't. What am I supposed to say? Yeah. That was it. It would have been way worse if I tried to pretend that that was like a normal occurrence for my pussy.

And he's like, what? And you're like, yeah. Oh, yeah. Like finish. And he's like, no, I know I can't. I was about to. And now I can't. Wow.

A little coated cottage. Yes. So yeast infections, extremely common. I should have known. Yeah. But I think that was my first and only yeast infection I've ever had. So I didn't know. Dude, I literally like I'm sorry, but I cannot imagine if that happened.

I don't even know what I would say. I was mortified. I think you're right, though. Addressing it is the best to just be like, oh, fuck, I guess I have a yeast infection. Like, what the fuck do you say? It'd be weirder if you didn't address it. But I'm so sick and tired of us having to apologize and be embarrassed for normal bodily functions that our vaginas have. And although this may not be normal bodily, it's an Alex issue and it's also a you issue. Spray tans.

When I tell you, and just give me a fucking second here. Let me go swerving i have this overarching anxiety when i go to visit a guy and i know that he's gonna have fucking white sheets and i want to look hot as fuck when i'm go i'm literally dealing with this right now i am getting a spray tan i'm gonna go see a guy and what is the only thing i have on my mind i need to shower and then get fucked on these white sheets and pray to god that some of my spray tan doesn't come off on the sheets because then the men always look at it and they're like what is that or like they don't or if they don't say anything it's just a stain on the sheets and

it's like what is that if you don't if you don't address it there is a um brown so yeah like streak stain on the there is there is a suspicious brown right stain and it's like what the fuck and i want to that's around your area of the bed and yeah and and for me i'm kind of i'm at the point now where i'll like say like i have a fucking spray tan but i will never forget back in the day when i was hooking up with slim shady like years ago i was so focused on like looking so great for him and I got a spray tan and it came off when I tell you drunkenly all over his white sheets and we woke up the next morning and he was like what is all over the bed and instead of you know being a girl that's confident and and just said oh that's my spray

tan I was like I don't know stop it what is that stop and we stared at the sheets he probably thought that you were the dirtiest no he probably just thought you were so dirty like what the fuck and why can't i just be like i have a fucking spray tan right because men don't understand spray tans you have to explain it to them but also alex are we just putting this on ourselves i actually do think it's both because i do know of guys aka little bitch boys that things do gross them out aka i remember i dated this guy and i was spotting okay and my period had just ended so the spotting is brown. Yes. Guys, it's finishing. Brown. Blood is, yes. It's okay.

Yeah, everyone's. Blood can get that color. Yeah, everything's, it's fine. It's going to be okay. We're good. And it was in my underwear. Okay. And he grabbed my underwear and he was like, this is so gross.

And he wasn't upset. He was like kind of joking and he was like is this like a skid mark and i was so mortified but i was like no you fucking idiot i'm on i'm like getting off my period it's a different color fuck off so yes they don't understand half the time but then sometimes they're just gross i mean they're not gross they're just mean They're mean All you are is mean and liar No I think that's true And also this is kind of random

But when I was telling that Toilet paper story Because I had been so high And then he proceeded to Peel it off of my labia And then stare at me The mood for me was so ruined and in his mind I realized in that moment he didn't really care yeah so he went to go back

down on me and a lot of times I would like fuck through things but it was so hard for you to get back in the mood I was so high that I was so in my head that like it had been it was like oh fuck this is awkward I ended up actually telling him I was like babe I just need a minute and he didn't understand for a second he was like what do you mean and I'm like I just like need a minute he didn't realize that you had gotten embarrassed yeah and I was embarrassed and in my own head like because it took me out of the mood I was no longer horny and turned on in the morning trying to fuck like yeah that was an awkward thing for me and now I'm Thinking I'm like why is that awkward yeah

I was peeing yes I was Wiping my vagina Like every woman in America Does yeah and it just So happened that Charmin that morning Decided to fuck me up the ass And just cling a little bit longer than Normal yes okay not a

Big fucking deal folks. But for some reason. It gets in our head. So everyone fuck through the sex. And have nasty gross sex. Because that's the best sex. Yes. When you let all your inhibitions go.

And you don't care. That is the best sex. If you're going to throw up on a dick. Or shit on a dick. Or fucking. Yeah. Puke everywhere. And men notice that by the way.

Absolutely. And they get really turned on. Get in there. Be a fucking nasty cum savage freak. Yeah. And then it doesn't matter if you're the fucking ugliest bitch or the hottest bitch. It doesn't fucking matter. Busted or not, you look hot as fuck because you just fucked hot. Yep.

Okay. Moving on to this incredible opportunity of a lifetime. Incredible. Incredible. Of the questions. Of the questions. Of the questions. Of the-

Let's do Austin Powers. I'm not going to try to do that with my questions. The questions. The questions of the week. Let's do Austin Powers. I'm not going to try to do that with my voice. Just kidding. Questions of the week, baby. Questions of the week. Questions of the week. Guys, questions of the week. Tip-a-lee, top-a-lee, dick-a-lee dicks.

All right. Let's kick them off. I'm kicking it off. Oh. Because we kind of just mentioned this oh i just got a sext and i am so clearly not able to do that right now okay go ahead so so my boyfriend recently has been asking to come on my tits more and more and i let him but i always feel awkward what am i supposed to look at do I look at his face at his dick in

the opposite direction help this is such a good one really think about this Alex because I am on a basic level it sounds pretty straightforward but it's really not it's it is when he pulls out yeah and he's fucking jerking it yeah and he's like hunched over you and he's about to ejaculate onto your tits wear your eyeballs peripheral vision where is it at this is what you're doing you are going to take your hands and you're gonna have them pushing your tits together yes okay then you're going to be staring at his dick. I always stare at the dick too. Make eye contact with the dick. That's the thing.

Fuck his face. It doesn't matter what's up there. If I'm laying there and a guy is jacking off onto my tits, I am holding my tits together, and I'm kind of like moving my body a little bit to, it's hard to explain. Yes, you're kind of like grinding, just showing him you want it. Yes explain yes you're kind of like grinding just showing him you want it yes and you're kind of grinding forward towards him and you hold your tits

together and he's jacking off onto your tits and you stare at his dick and then sometimes i'll like roll my eyes back and like just like let it all happen if there's a dog in front of you and you have a ball and you're moving it from side to side yes the dog's eyes are going side to side of the ball very similar what i usually do with the cum okay i look at the penis i know the cum is inside of the penis yes and once i see that it's about to start coming out i follow the cum and then look to my tits yeah and kind of look at it landing on my tits like a little shooting star just landed right in your pot of gold yes and you're holding the warm embrace of the warm come there you go that's it this is an interesting one and i i think that we could really help this girl out i think you

could have some advice for this hi alex first of all love the podcast no pressure no pressure bitch hi alex first of all love the. Makes me feel not so crazy. But I wanted both your and Sophia's advice if you have a chance. I have been dating a great man for about five months now. In the beginning, our lovemaking was sensational and unbelievably passionate. Tear jerking. But as our relationship progressed, we started to get into kinkier discussions. Cuck holding, cuck queening, him with a man, mom and dad play. You get the gist.

But anyways, we decided these conversations were really warping our sexual life and decided to move back to fully concentrating on just him and I. But now I feel like the passionate lovemaking has been tainted and is not the same sense we brought such toxic discussions into the mix what should i do please help so they started lovemaking and then they tried to get freaky with it and it sounds like they didn't even do this stuff. They were discussing cuckolding and doing mom and dad role plays and doing all these kind of like, oh, I'm going to fuck someone else kind of role plays. And now they're trying to get back to basics because I could see it can fuck with your relationship maybe.

And now she they went back to basics and she's like, what the fuck do I do? It's kind of feels weird okay what it really boils down to is is she in to the kinky stuff or not yeah is he into the kinky stuff or not yeah are there some kinky things that you guys can both agree on and try out yeah and if you can't come to an agreement then maybe that person is not sexually compatible with you such a good point there's something about bringing kinkiness into the bedroom that i think that it can be dangerous if you guys aren't ready for it in the sense that you could potentially both move things too quickly towards something that you guys not only have no experience with, but really aren't interested in doing. And then you have this huge pressure of like,

oh my God, wait, now we have to go back and have normal sex, but we like the cuckolding thing. Right. And it's like, no, you don't.

You, you can do a mix of both. Yeah. I do that all the time. Sometimes I will start sex out kinky and it will end up in love. Yeah. Or vice versa. Yes. You can do both. Also. i just hope this girl understands that him fantasizing about these things is very different

than him saying i want to act them out in real life so just remember totally different a fantasy is totally different okay yes what would what would you do in this situation, Sophia? These are the questions I love. Hey, Alex. Y'all are iconic and I need advice here, please. So my ex-boyfriend asked me to sing to him, which wasn't weird because I can sing well. But it was weird when he asked me to sing him a lullaby post-fuck. So we break up because he's a cheating piece of shit shocker i think oh this won't happen again and stowed away in my memories but then two other guys ask me to sing them a fucking

lullaby after sex please let me know your thoughts is it okay should i be concerned um can you like sing me a lullaby i i'm just like burp me memories all alone in the moonlight merry christmas oh yeah merry christmas like what i think girlfriend that's kind of on you that you go and give them the lullaby if you're constantly bragging about singing about your voice still though still why does it have to be a lullaby after they come i think you should be like sorry no i'm not into that yeah i would just say i'm not into that i'm not into that sexually yeah i'm not into that sexually Yeah. I would just say I'm not into that. I'm not into that sexually. Yeah. I'm not into that sexually.

Hey, daddies. I need some advice. All of my close friends are way hotter than me. I love them. But when we go out, they get all of the attention. I would say I have a pretty good personality. But whenever I join the conversation while we're out, I feel like the guys are saying in their head, who is this ugly girl talking? No, they're not.

So what do I do? Get uglier friends? Thanks, daddies. Okay, sweetie. Oh, wow. Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie. on what group of friends I'm hanging out with sometimes I'm the ugly beaver and sometimes I'm the Angelina Jolie do you think you're the Angelina when you hang out with me absolutely absolutely yeah no no and I'm the duff what is it the designated ugly fat friend yes so I can

relate to this in the sense that like I I understand I've, I've hung out in groups of women where they're all so beautiful and I sometimes do feel insecure and I, you're like the short, ugly beaver. I've seen it. Yeah. It's like awful. You like stick out. Right. But I feel like I can't compare. Yeah. So I get it. Like I get the dynamic because it's like, I, you love your friends, but if they're, you're with these hot girls all the time, you're not getting the attention. And we've told you guys when we talked about it was the college episode and we were like, if you are a six, stop surrounding yourself with tens. Like get uglier friends. So you look hot.

Yeah. If you're trying to go out and get men and you're constantly standing next to Megan Fox I'm sorry but not only even if Megan Fox has a boyfriend you're just not gonna look that attractive next to Megan yeah and then it just fucks you and that's just how the world works and it fucking sucks I it's it's just it's a fact of life it is and you're not the only girl like I don't want to go out with Margot Robbie no I don't want to I do not want to go out with Kendall Jenner I would rather sit home and not go out absolutely like it's just not happening it happens to every single girl and I get it if they're like your main friend group yeah and the thing is is I'm gonna give healthy advice okay because at the end of the day you can't set up your life no that you're only around

no ugly people exactly yeah there will always be someone hotter smarter better and you just need to be confident in your own i was gonna say i really do think that in the times that i did feel like the uglier beaver um when i'm around sophia i've got to pull out all the stops of my personality yeah i need to be in it too i literally have to be like guys guys, my friend Alex is here. Yeah. Yeah. Like, please. Like I'm constantly the one getting shoved to the back. And so if you're like, no, my friend's here. She like tells a couple of funny jokes. But if you have a good personality and you're funny, you don't want to get designated as the ugly, funny friend. But I do think that there is something to be said if you're super chill and the fun one, because sometimes fucking

hot girls are boring as fuck. Right. Maybe be the be the fun one right so when you are out with your hot friends maybe be the one that's like doing the shots and like having more fun and playing the games and like yeah yeah okay i'm gonna just wrap it up with this one i don't even think we need to answer it but these are the types of dms we get hey daddy's serious question would you risk getting the coronavirus for a dick appointment a man i am having sex a great sex with now lives in hong kong and is offering to fly me there for a long weekend would you do it goodbye all right guys dick appointment or the virus what do you think i'm gonna not answer that one we love you guys so much the trail continues the trail i know you guys probably are so confused we want you to just it will become

clear soon and look for the clues and try to connect it because they all they'll make sense if you take enough time to think about it sophia with enough franklin with the y is my instagram and alexandra cooper is my instagram go follow us on our personals that may be the only place you could ever reach us keep your eyes peeled peeled. Yeah, we love you guys. Go rate us a five-star review. Tell your friends about us. Yeah, send us nudes. Send the troops nudes.

And tell your friends all about the fathers. We love you guys. See you next week.