Call Her Daddy - 79- OnlyFans = WHORES

Episode Date: April 1, 2020

It's all about to change...

do you call him daddy do i call her daddy call her daddy hello is this thing on i it is it's us it's alex and sophia and if you're wondering why we sound a little bit different it's that we are sitting in our apartment in the dark is that the dishwasher hi guys recording from home the perks i have not partaken in the uh fun times of drinking alcohol in a very long time i mean i have but i have not drank to the point of getting wasted in a very in a long time we did that last night i have never woken up more hungover alex you're my younger protege protege protege parmesan cheese guys we're so fucking hung over right now i'm literally so not okay but like it's also i once

you hit the age of 27 and you're taking down bottles and bottles of champagne on an empty stomach you don't wake up feeling like yourself and now alex and i have a whole episode to record and you know you could say we are you could say we are unprofessional you could say that we're procrastinators that's fine all i can say is we did it for you guys what we did last night what happened is we are investigative research yes well okay first of all we recorded an episode yes and we found out later that the sound quality was so fucking horrendous that we had to re-record. And we were like, oh, okay, cool, cool, cool. Let me just drink myself into oblivion and wake up. So perks of recording at home.

And then we decided to go down a spiral of trying to find out who my stalker is. We found him i think and the process that it took to get there yeah it was the craziest process but it was the most gratifying process we had like aha moments while we were drinking our champagne i looked at alex and i was like the fbi is missing the fuck out by not having us on their team and i know so many girls say that, but like Alex and I were, it was, we had like a diagram. Sophia has folders on her. I have folders. I have folders.

And we put so many clues together that you wouldn't even fucking think about. And like, it was great. Anyway. Anyway. Tiger King. Oh, well, first I was i was gonna say so we're sitting in the dark in our apartment right now so hungover there are bottles around us i don't know why dude there are i came out to our whiteboard and there are names of men just down our whiteboard i don't

know what the fuck i was doing. What were you writing? Oh, also not to mention if anyone is fucking still listening to this shit show of a podcast. Not to mention Alex and I, Suitman, not talking to me. Slim Shady, not talking to me. Fucking FaceTimed everyone but them last night. Dude, I don't even know what we were doing all i know is we're here now yeah and um we're fine yeah tiger king tiger king sophie and i started tiger king and tiger king makes me feel better about what i did last actually yeah it

makes me feel better about my life in general tell them what tiger king is tiger king is about these people that own tigers yes legally illegally it's filmed kind of like a documentary and it follows um different people who own tigers throughout the united states in the most random places like in bumfuck nowhere yes and you think it's about one thing and then it becomes about carol and she fed her husband to a bunch of tigers and like god damn this woman is such a fucking cunty savage and like i hate her but i love her i feel like she kills a lot of people what i don't know but the guys have like multiple husbands and yes one of the guys has he's in a three-way marriage yeah with two other men and then another guy is in like a fucking five-way marriage with women and he makes them all get

tit jobs and he's running it like a cult yeah it's fucking wild you guys need to check it out but that the whole point of tiger king and no one is gonna fucking see this coming and this is the little call her daddy flavor so someone missed something on tiger king and uh we're gonna acknowledge it because some people are trying to turn a blind eye and we're not doing that here every person that works on this particular tiger zoo ranch yeah zoo ranch whatever it is are missing limbs it's not funny but it's funny it's funny for i'm about to say because the dude that brings in people for the tiger tours is missing both of his legs. Both legs. And the woman is missing her arm.

And I'm going to go ahead and say that if I brought my children to a fucking tiger ranch and the people leading me into the ranch were missing all their limbs, I would go ahead and turn around. I'm going to go ahead and say, go fuck yourselves. I'd like a refund. See you never. I would rather not see the Tigers today. Two amputee legs, a full nub of an arm.

And these people are like, come on in, folks. And, you know, I'm glad they don't discriminate when they do the hiring. Well, actually, the woman did lose her arm on the Tiger Ranch. Just go watch Tiger King. It's shocking. It's so shocking. How many teeth in total do the people on the show have? And like, I'm not kidding.

I think we could 12. There's a full set of teeth, but it's with all of them combined. And you added all their teeth this is one of the most unbelievable shows like trash but like i'm trash right now i don't support homicide no oh no we don't no no no no on call or daddy we'd be like i don't support homicide but like obviously do whatever you want like you can obviously do whatever like support till we die but like or literally die but like no we don't but carol's like a badass whatever yeah yeah she fucks she oh yeah she

fucks tigers that's for oh yeah she fucks she fucking puts her husband through the meat grinder so tiger king deserves all the hype anyways anyways corona The reason we're hung over. The reason we're hung over, I'm going to blame it on Corona. Yeah. I mean, dude, bad behavior is coming out. Yes. What else are we supposed to do? Sophia was dancing in the windows last night.

I mean, the girl couldn't be stopped. She was on fire. The girl is on fire. Nothing is off limits. Nothing is off limits. There's no real days. There's no what day is the week is it i don't even know i don't know what time it is i don't know what's going on i'm well i hope you kind of get that together because we have a show to record but but yeah no corona makes you do wild

shit in other news what's new with you um we sound like words and what's new with you and how are you doing well the reason is because sophia went to suit man's and she fucking left me so like we've been waiting when she comes home to not talk and we just hop on the pod yeah which i kind of like yeah do i like you leaving me alone no am i jealous you're getting dick and i'm not two days a week i leave Alex it's it just she is door buddy on every door she's texting me like when will you be back what time can I expect you yeah I just feel like it's fucked up and I feel like you're gonna come back with corona and if we do get it it's literally because of you but you're the one that's leaving the house okay and I'm fucking staying here like a good fucking human but in my defense the sooner you get the virus

the better get the fuck out of my face anyways so i've been journaling um what i literally started writing in a journal stop i'm not kidding and i this is the thing like i at first if i saw someone on my fucking social media being like guys during corona like start journaling i'd be like get the fuck out of my face no but if someone tells you to journal you're kind of like i would rather do anything but that so i randomly found this notebook that i haven't written in and i started journaling and i just know i still have my journal from when i was in high school to be able to read what 16 year old alex was thinking is the most unbelievable thing. You have a notebook that you had in high school.

In my house. So I was too. I can just imagine you're fucking journaling in high school. You're like, Johnny. Johnny said my braces grinded on his penis when I was going down to get them. And I know that I can give a mean blowjob. So what I was thinking is I was like, I kind of feel like it's a genius time to start journaling there's yeah no like we are never gonna forget this time in our lives but to be

able to write down what you were thinking yeah and I was like oh I'm so I'm enjoying this so much because you can only talk to your friends so much about what's going on I mean I I'm happy I'm relieved that you're journaling I know I got only take so much that you put on me so I straight up was like writing like all I wrote in a line all the men I'm currently talking to so I can look back and I wrote their professions in case I what like forget them I like wrote Slim Shady's last name people mean when they say journaling no I know but I literally like wrote Slim Shady's last name as if I would forget him in a few years but But so I know also journaling other. No, I'm journaling about how I'm feeling during this time. The guys that I'm hooking up

with. Yeah. How I feel about you and just like just how much tension there is in the home. You probably shouldn't have told me that, you know, I'm going to sneak into your room and read it. So I don't know. I feel like it's like kind of cool to do that. I feel like I do a version of that where I'll just write in my notes yeah and tell me because i know you're just as paranoid as me like are you not worried like do you have a lock on the notebook no i'm no but this is no no good to fucking know but i feel like i'm more concerned that people are gonna hack my shit on my phone than like have a written thing i don't know what's worse i know i don't either just please don't

go in and read it i won't but i might take pictures of it and post it on my twitter so i don't know i just feel like if you guys are bored just journal okay this is what i actually want to bring up about corona and i think everyone dude i hope no one's getting mad that we're talking about corona but literally what else are we supposed to fucking talk about it's not like we're talking about Corona but Literally what else are we right to Fucking talk about we're gonna spend the Whole episode talking about it no so the Amount that my family specifically my Mom is sliding in like my mom wants to Talk to me every day it has heightened

Tenfold like there is a group chat with My entire family people are constantly messaging like even suit man's mom put us in like a group thread and she is just sending us articles and like and my mom's doing the same she put suit man and i in a group i'm surprised my mom has not texted you wait yeah well she's dm'd me a couple times we've had a couple combos um but i i agree i was thinking about this last night i'm like i don't see my family too often now that i'm an adult and i live in new york yeah of course i see them during the holidays and i'll go home occasionally but for some reason my parents think that this is an opportunity where we should be ramping up the communication they asked to like zoom yes

and i told them we were in the middle of recording and i lied to them because we don't ever zoom and do big fat group family facetime chats so why the fuck are we gonna start doing it now i see what you're saying you're like i'm not seeing them any less and they're pretending right it's like been years they're like this shit we haven't seen you in so long and i'm like no i never see you so why are we act and i think it's because they're bored and i think that generation of people is having a really hard time not seeing their kids or some shit yeah and i think there's anxiety that's kind of like how long is this gonna last when is the next time i'm gonna talk i don't know i'm enjoying myself right now and i don't want to

do group facetime family fucking chats we don't do that when we don't have corona why would we do that when there is corona i am a heartless fucking heartless last week i straight up said i wanted i was happy my grandparents are dead and this week i'm like why the fuck is my family facetiming me dude i swear though like when you get into a hole and you get like happy with yourself on your couch, you want to just be alone. Oh, I have so much fun alone. Yeah. So much. Anyways, I don't need to, but I'm sure a lot of people can relate.

You told us that you received a picture last week. Yes. From the Canadian. And it had three men in the picture and all three men you are talking to. Yes. I love my life. It was shocking. What's going on with that?

So basically what happened is finally the Canadian called me alone. He's been fucking FaceTiming me way too much with the other men that I'm also talking to. And it's becoming uncomfortable. Well, you can't have a real conversation when all three of them are there. Right. I'm like, why are we doing this? Can we all talk separately? Right. Like I want and like we we should it's kind of like a threesome slash foursome like you have to give them all equal attention and I don't want to fucking do that I get it okay

so finally I got the Canadian on the FaceTime we're talking it's like the morning so he's sober which is great and he ended up telling me how I came up that day for them all to realize they talked to me. So one of the guys was talking about, I guess, something we had either posted on, like, call her daddy or something. And he was saying, like, oh, I really want to fuck that call her daddy girl. Are you sure it wasn't me? He's like, specifically the brunette, the blonde is busted, but I'm trying to slide in through her so I can get to the brunette no okay So so then the Canadian ended up Telling me that he jumped in on the combo

And was just like oh yeah I know her I Talked to her too okay and what I The whole point of me asking this is I wanted To know is the Canadian Explaining my pussy To these men right like what is he fucking Saying what is he running his mouth about and So I was like did you tell them that like

We've fucked and like talk about our sex And he was like so insulted that i even asked that he was like no what the fuck i'm not running around like telling people about our sex okay see my theory alex tell everybody i had a theory sophia and i when i got that picture we had a theory and we were like do men even discuss in detail the sex with girls that they're having? This is a thing. If a guy received a picture from three girls and he was talking to all three, those girls would have talked about in detail his penis size, if he was good in bed, blah, blah, blah,

blah. Yes. Girls would have covered it from start to finish. Start to finish. And the thing is is people assume that guys are like that too and they're not no and the theory is is that men do not talk about their sexual adventures in detail with their boys they don't know i was sitting at a lunch and i was with suit man and two other guys and they were asking me like what

call her daddy's about and then i started suit man and two other guys and they were asking me like what color daddy's about. And then I started sweating bullets and I'm like, Oh shit. Well, it's a, it's a, it's a health and wellness. And yes. Um, occasionally I talk about sex. What? What? Guys, I'm proud of what I do.

As long as I want to fucking die. People ask me that. And I was like, it's like locker room talk, but for girls, we've said that before. Great one. And they were like locker room talk talk but for girls we've said that yes great one and they were like locker room talk but for girls what does that mean I'm like you know like when you're in the locker room with your boys and your dicks are swinging around and you're talking about like Vanessa that like the whole team like porked or whatever right and the guy looked at me and he was like I have never talked about Vanessa again. He's like, who's Vanessa again?

You're like, okay, you missed it. No, but he was like, guys don't talk about their sex. Right. He was like, maybe every once in a while I'll be like, yo, dude, like, was it good? And then my friend will say, yo, bro, it was great. Right. And then we'll move on. Yeah.

I think that men will admit to who they have fucked like i feel like oh did you fuck her yes that is where the conversation ends yes and so sofia and i started asking a bunch of dudes that we talked to being like do you discuss with your boys yeah and i'm gonna read you because the la guy that i'm talking to wrote and he was like, basically unless some crazy shit went down or like scarred someone. Okay. Unless like a girl shit on their dick during anal. There you go. Then for the most part, it's going to be like,

Oh, did you fuck? Yes or no. Cool. Either way, keep it moving. Right. Obviously there are going to be immature little bitch boys out there that are

going to talk in detail about their sex and run around to their little friends and be immature but for the most part when you're fucking with men like grown-ass men that are mature they're keeping it pretty simple in the details that they share with their boys totally agree so like yeah if you're in college you may be a little bit more fucked right like then that also is like well then choose who you're fucking right more exclusively like don't fuck with little boys. Yes. Fuck old men.

Fuck old ass dudes. That's really what it's about. Yeah. Okay. That's a great moral of the story. Can you tell us how the fuck you even feel about the Canadian? Because I don't even really know. You guys are on again, off again.

Like, what is the deal? That's like such a good question. Since we're talking about feelings in 2020. I think that's a really good question i think like i don't yeah you know you still don't know no i think that that's okay i like him a lot i think that i mean i hope yeah you know um i think that the Canadian and I have this really good like we are very both similar in our personalities. Yes. We're very sarcastic. We love to joke around with each other.

We're both very sexual with each other. And I'm enjoying that. And I think we're both so single and yet so attracted to each other. And it's super easy. So to me right now, I think he, yes, I like him. And I'm excited for like his off season. Do you see him like being your boyfriend? No.

Just put it out there. Well, no. I think it's more of like a, we have to just hang out more. Yes. And see where it goes. But like it's exciting and it's fun. And I like him. But emotionally, I'm not super invested.

Right. If that makes sense. Well, yes. Because you're also talking to like a bunch of other dudes. Right. Wow. We'll see. Oh my God.

Alex and the Canadians. Green card. Green card. We're going to talk about social media. Specifically social media in the time of Corona. And Instagram. So there's some faux pas. Oh, that's a big word.

Thank you. Every single time I use a word that is like above beginner level, you're like shocking. No. You always are like, you're so smart. Okay. Because you are. Except when we were playing Scrabble the other night. You won the first round

I won this no but I'm just saying we both couldn't come up with words that were bigger than four letters that things to think is not something that's not what we're on the podcast but that's fine all right Instagram so for a minute there we felt uncomfortable about posting and now I'm laughing because you've been bringing them fire on your Instagram page. Let me just dissect this. When Corona started, I turned to Sophia and I said, I feel weird posting anything on Instagram right now, especially a thirst trap. That lasted 0.2 seconds.

I know. And you've been throwing up thirst traps like i've never my instagram is looking a little bit more slutty than normal i think it's because of the men in my life so corona didn't stop you for two not for two no it stopped me for a second though so what we wanted to talk about though because we've been talking about it is like does anyone else in the world right now feel weird posting like kind just pictures on instagram like girls are throwing up their assholes and pictures of their ass and it's like hashtag quarantine and right at first this is how i felt in the very beginning of corona it felt weird yeah it felt insensitive it felt like i was

uneducated and i was unaware of what was going on in the world. Yes. Unaware. Unaware. Now, as time has progressed and we're entering the third fucking week, the third week feels like the third year. Right. And I'm kind of like, am I want the content? Yes. What are we supposed to do? Never post on Instagram again. I think it's after any major life event.

Yeah. You feel weird, but it can only last so long. Right. Like the world doesn't stop. So I think that i can i'm gonna judge the girls that threw up a fucking thirst trap the day that we went into quarantine yes you can hold off also it's ridiculous when a girl does post the ass shot on her instagram and then the caption is like corona corona got me like yeah That's where it's not okay. Right.

And it's like, just want to pause and post this picture of my ass just to show my support for like, you know, the people that work in health care. And it's like, fuck off. Stop. No, I agree. So I think that we were just kind of like, what the fuck is the etiquette on Instagram? And I think now the floodgates are open and it is fucking fair game because at this point now I think we're reaching the point where everyone is just desperate to look at anything other than the news so if you

want to post your fucking clitoris on me in the gram do it do whatever the fuck you want if something major happens there has to be a grace period we're gonna leave it up to you how long that is more than a day yeah okay give it than at least, give it 24 hours at least. Absolutely. You thirsty hoe. Yeah, but then throw the thirst trap up. Absolutely. Because right now, all eyes are on you.

You are in the ring and all eyes are on you. Yes, Alex, people are really hyper-focused on your Instagram account. No, but everyone is on Instagram right now. No one has anything to do, so post your hottest fucking. I support it. Okay, next. Okay. Next. If I see one more fucking notification at the top of my screen that says blah, blah, blah is going live with blah, blah, blah.

I'm fucking done. Why? The amount of people going Instagram live, specifically celebrities. I think I might be alone in this. I fucking hate Instagram live. Sophia hates it. I hate it. I think it's the alone in this. I fucking hate Instagram live. Sophia hates it. I hate it. I think it's the most boring shit I've ever watched.

You let them know. No offense. Cause like I'm pretty sure I go live, but honestly you did it out of boredom, right? That's your excuse. What the issue with Instagram live is. And the reason I fucking hate it is,

is like a lot of the times the people slash celebrities are just sitting there doing nothing and saying nothing for 30 minutes fucking twirling their hair and like waiting for like a question to come in right you're they're giving a little shout out to fucking casey from kansas yes hey casey oh oh there's bert. He's from Florida. Oh, my God. Like, repping Australia. I see you. It's like, why do I want to watch this? Yeah, I feel you. So, and I know that people are going live right now because they want to talk about

Corona. But it's like, I'll listen to a health professional. Right. Sophia's pissed. This split live. How about that? That's what they're all doing. It's like Andy Cohen is splitting his live with John Stamos.

Okay, Michelle Obama, like I would maybe tune into that live. Me too. She's not fucking splitting her screen. Whoopi Goldberg is splitting the screen with Amanda Bynes. And they're just doing it. Your celebrities are picking stop amanda binds and whoopi goldberg i would also tune in okay no it's more like anything yeah it's like john mayer and like miley cyrus yeah she needs to fucking stop no i think that the at first when

i saw people going live i thought it was cool that artists were like singing and doing their way of giving back yeah and I told Sophia I was like I could kind of see like why people would think it's cool of like John legend you know gets on his piano and like she's like I don't Sophia was like I don't think it's fucking cool at all I don't think it's right I don't think you're like I think it's fucking stupid. That sounds so fucked up. Well, can you explain it to us? I personally am a heartless bitch.

Let's say Chris Martin from Coldplay. Yes. I showed you his live. I love and it was all yellow. I love him. okay there is something that is just it takes away from the music that their instagram live like they think in their minds i'm putting on a live concert and it's like no no no no no no no it's not a live concert you are still behind a screen there's probably five fucking producers

no there's probably no they're probably home alone but i just don't find it that entertaining yeah honestly well you can post a video yeah there's some they think because it's live it's more special i like going back and watching people's lives once they've uploaded it and it's on their page so that i can fast forward through it to the points where i think things are interesting well also okay here we go here we go artists are playing songs that everybody knows and changing the lyrics so that it applies to corona and covid came in that's not what he said no you're talking about jojo jojo specifically do you guys remember leave get out leave right now yeah iconic brilliant amazing so hot so fucking cool iconic

lived for her fucking had her picture on my walls i fucking masturbated to that chick i went lesbian for that chick a couple times i loved jojo the amount of times I grabbed my hairbrush and I like broke up with whatever guy and I fucking sang that song in my bathroom. And what did she do to the song, Alex? Butchered it. What did she say? She brought it. Give me one lyric.

She goes, um, COVID-19. No, no, no, no, no. I got it. I got it. She goes, she goes, she goes, stay in right now. Do it for humanity like what dude she literally is like i never thought corona could be such a nasty bitch you just made that up you made i am not fucking i never knew corona could be such a nasty bitch jojo you're ruining everything my childhood yes that was my fucking jam that's what

it is you ruined you ruined it yeah people need to stop changing their songs and i i actually think they just need to stop i need yeah people will probably disagree with me but like i don't want to see anyone sing a song i don't care how famous we have i have to say this sofia and i right now we both started before we started recording annoyed with the guys we're talking to yeah and it's coming through sofia you literally just looked at me and said you just go i don't i don't think anyone should sing any song anything we discuss discuss right now, I'm going to be like, I fucking hate it. I think that's fucking stupid. Okay.

Okay, Corona's getting to us. Anyways. Let's try to be diplomatic about this, okay? Okay. Gal Gadot. She is so beautiful. She was in Superwoman. She's Superwoman.

Superwoman. And she put together a music video i'm bringing this up because it's a perfect example she put together a music video of all of these famous people singing lines from john lennon's song imagine imagine all the people so for every line it's like a different celebrity singing so she got all of her fucking celeb friends to put this video together and the thing is i think she had the sweetest intention sweetest i get it she was really trying to give back but i low-key think that her making a video of all of her celeb friends singing a song from john lennon and

they're doing that to make everything right in the world go fuck yourself go fuck no no really go fuck your selves all of you fuck yourself all the a-listers go fuck yourself not just gal gadot will ferrell all of you all of you whoopie amanda i don't think they're in it but they're in it this is the thing why the fuck would a song all of you lip singing yes to a song yes why the fuck is that gonna help anyone i don't think they were lip-syncing i think they were actually oh wait yes yes they were but still yeah is that supposed to make me feel better no you know what no you know what will ferrell decided to sing a line from this song who cares about corona guys we've got this guys we've got this will is in this with us there's a virus that's wiping out a fucking nation excuse me my

god turn on the fucking little music video that gal put together. And we're good. We're smooth sailing. We're smooth sailing. The best part of this, guys, is so this music video came out. Yeah. And we got an email. We got an email from our employer and they were telling everyone in talent that they wanted to do a version of what gal no we're not we're not they wanted us to all

of content where we work to do a version of what gal and all the celebrities did. Everyone. So we get this moment of silence just for that, because they wanted the talent to do the music video. And they sent out an email and they designated who was going to say what. And when Alex and I saw that email, we were about to pretend that we each got Corona and we were quarantined in the fucking hospital. When Daddy Gang, when we got this email, Sophia and I were like, fuck our fucking lives. You've got to be shitting me. Like, how the fuck are we? This is going to single handedly ruin our career. Ruin.

Us singing. Imagine all the people. get out of my i would never live it down we open the email and so every line is designated to someone else in talent and we're scrolling we hit the chorus whoa don't see our names don't see our names. Don't see our names. We're headed into the outro. Don't see our names. Don't see our names. I'm like, are we talent? Or what are we? What are we there?

We do a full overview. One more time. Swipe through. We are not on the list. We are not. Every talent at our company is on the list. But us. Alex and Sophia from Call Her Daddy.

They might as well have wrote alex and sophia from call her daddy excluded everybody else but honestly join in so we're sitting there we're like holy fucking shit they know us so well they knew they knew there's no fucking way those girls with a gun to their head are gonna fucking do this it's so fucked up they knew that we were either not gonna do it or we were gonna do it and like ruin the entire thing wow it was pretty it was one of those moments where like we we thought we were gonna really have to do it so we were like bunkering up to do it and then we went down the list and when you we saw that we were excluded we were like wow maybe our employer really knows it's better than it hurt a little it hurt such a fucking relief we're almost kind of um we were hurt we were as much as we say with a gun to our heads we wouldn't have done it

i think you we've been talking about an album we've been talking about how we like to sing so i would not succumb to the fucking imagine all the people i couldn't no i couldn't do it so that's what happened um it's just something like this is the last comment it's like why do you think that you are helping by singing a lyric from a song how is that helping the corona like i i think some people like it actually really helps them can we move on please because sophia's like it's so fucking stupid anyways um here we go here we go this is real oh let's go let's go i'm excited i'm excited last week last week we talked about seeking arrangement and the thing is is we ran out of time but what we also wanted

to discuss is something that could arguably be more powerful than seeking arrangement and before we get into that i do want to make it clear that there i have some dms and i know you do too sophia the people being like you guys didn't cover this like you guys christian you didn't cover seeking arrangements well you christian you forgot to add you have corona i fucking knew it okay the people being like you didn't cover this and this and this of mother fucking course there are more things to seeking arrangements yes girls were writing in saying you guys did not cover the full scope of seeking arrangements and it's like that's its own podcast that's it's we will do a seeking arrangements podcast next okay but for anyone that

was concerned that we missed up yes that was just the beginning of us starting the conversation about seeking arrangements yeah we need to address obviously being safe on seeking arrangements and how there are catfishes but there are some good people like there's a bunch of shit to cover but we're not fucking talking we're not talking about seeking arrangements because what we're talking about is only fans only motherfucking fans bring it here we go here we go okay only fans if you guys don't know what it is your world's about to change it's a website where subscribers can go most of them are male of course of course straight gay whatever they are they pay models and social media influencers a fee it's around like 5 to 20 bucks a month okay and they pay to view a feed of imagery too racy for instagram and oh that was beautiful okay basically these guys are paying for exclusive

content that you can't see on their Instagram. Yes. It is also right now, this is not an app because it's too explicit that Apple won't let it be an app, which I think is really interesting. I thought that was so interesting. So interesting. The amount of times that I'm like, ooh, that's disgusting. I'm going to make an app for that. It's like, sweetheart, you can't.

It's like, you can't. Yeah. So right now it's not an app. It's just a website. And all these guys are so hyped on it right now it's literally the new hottest best thing yes and i've noticed even i see when girls are like i just created an only fans account i'll go check how many followers they have there are some normal ass chicks with like a thousand followers doing this shit and making bank bank i can attest to it because i was actually hanging

out with suit man and one of his friends okay his friend was talking his friend has a girlfriend okay and he started talking about how he shells out like sometimes 20k a month on only fans shut the fuck to get stuff from these girls and i'm like oh does Your girlfriend know about that and he's Like I'm not doing it in person like What am I doing and I'm like oh okay Okay do you think that's cheating yes I Fucking think that you'd be mad at Suitman did it I would and then I would

Create an account on there and then I Only him not subscribe and everyone Else oh no no I would make sure he could subscribe and i would be like that's gonna be 30k honey you little piece of shit yeah no i could see why like oh my god can you imagine if you catch your boyfriend on one of these sites you fucking create one of your own and make sure he comes across it hey babe hey babe and then string up my ass because then it's like no you can't be mad right you watch others not cheating yeah why you you can do it but i can't okay so let's back it up for a second because can you

guys tell that we're in an argument right now suit man and i okay okay so only fans i was doing research because that's all i'm doing during corona so i was doing research and i read that jem wolfie is the most followed person on only fans i remember you showing okay so she i guess is like she her feed and they say she has she shows off her kardashian-esque proportions and she's squatting in really tight leggings and squeezing her breasts together um strategically covering her nipples and she would be considered a like a fitness model i guess okay but obviously men are not subscribing to like see her technique of squatting they're looking to see if they can see pussy lip right usually you're not trying to cover your nipples while you're trying to like do a squat right right right right in fitness so i guess that so she has

so she's the most followed person she has 10 000 subscribers who pay 10 a month So that means that she is making $100,000 a month So that's $1,200,000 a year Moment of fucking silence I think we need To take our careers in a different direction I'm done with the podcast Why are we on here? Are you fucking kidding me?

This is the thing She's not new. Okay. First of all, a million something dollars a year. That is fucking shocking. And that was going to be my next question. Yeah. She must post nude stuff.

And she's not. It's like it's like a strip tease, but you never fully see her nipples. She has clothes on. Yeah. So she's like doing very provocative shit, but like has like little leggings on. Yeah. Now, obviously there are girls that have full blown nudes. Okay.

And then there are girls that are like suggestive nudes where they cover their nipples. That's what I was going to bring up is I asked the guy, I was like, why are you shelling out $20,000 a month? And you can DM, if you're a subscriber, you can DM these girls or guys, whatever it is, and you can ask them for like specific shit and then you just have to pay more. So some of these guys are in these girls DMs. Like that's actually kind of brilliant because yeah, I wouldn't slide in and yeah, it's like you don't go nude until they slide in and they ask for a personalized video

of you with like a toy in your pussy and the thing is that i also read was these girls are feeling super secure and protected because i guess if you are subscribed to an account and you take one of their nudes and you put them on the internet that they have the right to sue you it's a federal like copywritten thing or whatever. And so that you can go to jail and get sued for it. So the pictures have like a watermark on them. No, but like, yes. Like I don't know the exact details.

All I know is that's why girls feel super comfortable posting this shit on there. Because if it does get released, that person is getting fined and sued and like going to fucking jail. Okay. So girls are like throwing the fucking pussy because they're like this shit. You have to fucking pay to see it. Right. so i'm not on there but that that could change let's talk about that well okay so i'm not on there but if i were to go on there yeah i would be posting extremely slutty shit but make sure that like right nipples you're not giving it all up cover yeah this is a thing and then if a guy wants to slide in and be like

I'll pay you $5,000 to see like the left labia Right I mean maybe he's getting that left labia The thing is guys OnlyFans Is a really interesting New phenomenon Because it's similar to porn But it's almost better

And I know that sex workers are going to get mad at us For saying that but like There is something obviously about porn that is right not realistic and it's and it's like you can't you're not going to fuck that porn star these accounts of these like tangible yes like you can kind of fantasize that this girl that lives in nebraska that's posting in her little childhood room taking these fucking pictures you can dm her and she's gonna talk to you yeah and she you could fuck this girl you could like these are real normal girls exactly you know what i mean i want like let's talk about it

though because you guys kind of and we were like let's save it for the podcast right now in today's culture only fans if you have an only fans account hooker or slut ho yes ho bag you are known as a whore yes people look at you and they're like oh she has an only fans account you're a fucking whore yeah and you could not be posting that slutty of stuff on there like you could be on the lower end of slutting it up but it just so happens That like because of the nature of What's on this fucking what the un like Everyone knows you have to pay to see This fucking exclusive weird shit not

Weird shit but hot shit yeah naked shit You're a whore well okay let's and I Love you though I just it's just what it Is for example if there's a girl and on Her Instagram page she is covered from Head to toe yeah and she's posting pics you though but i just it's just what it is for example if there's a girl and on her instagram page she is covered from head to toe and she's posting pics of her and her family at church and fucking at a charity event and she's like i'm helping the homeless and i'm wearing a turtleneck okay if she has only fans in the bio whore whore but it doesn't matter i don't care about the

church charity don't fucking you're labeled as a whore you're labeled it doesn't matter i don't care about the church or charity don't fucking you're labeled as a whore you're labeled and that's the thing and people are gonna be like you guys are fucking like what the people are gonna be like you girls are labeled as a whore true absolutely absolutely and i know that yes at the same time we know that hey yeah but the thing is is like i'm not saying it's a bad thing or a good thing i'm just saying this is what we always fucking do on color daddy we're speaking facts that if you have an only fans account yes people look at you like you're a whore yes and even if you're only posting the little you can kind of see the g-string sticking out of your leggings but you're completely covered whore whore whore

say it with me whore whoreena and this is the thing though that's fine it's fine we love a good whore we love hoeing up we love girls that fucking rock that shit and good for you if you're making bank i think that the reason we're bringing it up is because because i personally would not make an account because i already have the show the whore title and i'm like i don't want to out right like we don't want to take it to a level we don't like we already pushed it yeah we already put our family through things we already put the men we're talking to through things yeah if we take it to the only fans it's like you know and we don't need to go there but a normal ass chick if you are trying to decide holy shit it's during Corona quarantine.

Like, should I fucking just make an OnlyFans account? Should I make bank and cash? You absolutely can. It's easy fucking money. You're going to make so much fucking money. It's insane. However, you just need to mentally just kind of like rewire. Yeah.

Just just prepare yourself for that i mean i guess you could create an account on the website and not mention it on your instagram profile but like we're here to make money well dude i mean i'm not trying to be an asshole but like you just gotta look at it are you just gotta look on the bright side whore but with great finances but rich so and you know what maybe what you do is you whore it up for a few months yeah and then all of a sudden you may bank and you just take that little link out of your instagram thank you no one will ever know right right plump up the savings plump it up and then come back as a new person like don't do it but do it if you want to do it yes you know yes i'm totally there with you and again i understand why this is so successful because i think because at first i was like why would men go on this

website when they can type in porn hub and see you know like the three stepsisters all scissoring each other on the broom you know what i mean on the broom they sit on the broom right like they're masturbating with the handle of a broom yes yes did you ever hear that a horror story when you were younger they're like oh my god this girl from the other town over like she was masturbating and then she was on top of the broom and then it cracked and it went right i think that must have been like that was like someone's parents that they were like please stop masturbating and stuff around the house i don't know why it was a scare tactic yes i'm sorry guys anyways that was the point is is make an only fans account and

make a lot of fucking money but just be ready to put that little scarlet letter on your chest and rock it with fucking pride we could spiral right now we are and be like well what is the horror you know we could get so deep because that is actually a really great question such a good question is it because you've slept with a lot of guys is it just because like you show your pussy for money like what is a whore and you can decide that's up we have our definition you have yours maybe you aren't a whore if you have an only fans account but what we're saying is the majority of the world thinks that if you have an only fans account you're a whore right do we support whores yes so yeah do whatever

i bet you there are plenty of girls on only fans that like i bet you there are virgins straight up yeah anyway we're just sharing the fucking public opinion of it don't shoot the messenger oh my god what i'm so sorry what okay we can like cut this out i just got a message from him i just got a message from suit man i have not heard from him since yesterday do you want to read it well i mean you obviously don't have to read it we can pause i'm just gonna say this suit man and i's relationship is in a very different place than it was i would love to give you guys the full story and all of the details but i can't this is this has been an issue that we have been dealing with with a lot of things actually and i know that sounds really fucking confusing but daddy gang there is a lot going on behind the

scenes that we have not been able to talk about because we are not allowed to divulge certain things right now on this show and that's not how we have ever done things you guys know that and we hate that we can't it's really frustrating for us right now it's really frustrating but with all sincerity all we can say is things are about to change. And when we say about to change, we believe this could be coming to a head as soon as next week. Yeah. All right. Wow.

A little. Anyways, let's get into your favorite fucking part of the goddamn week. Oh, you were never going to ask. All right. Kill our eardrums. Take it away. Questions. I'm going to introduce a little segment I like to call questions.

Questions. Questions of the motherfucking week every single day, baby. Questions of the week. Questions of the motherfucking week. Okay. And that's a fact. All right, smooth sailing from here on out, guys. I guess I'm going to start this one.

Go ahead, Sophia. Okay. Mm-hmm. I know you would do this for me, Alex. So listen. Pressure's on. I was home for break last summer, and you know how that goes. I was hooking up with my ex, but was also starting to get serious with a dude back at school.

I'm sure this is like very prevalent for Corona. Oh, yeah. Actually, no. No, I read. No, I read that a lot of people went home, obviously, because Corona and a lot of people are DMing me being like the person I'm hooking up with in college. We're kind of fading out and I'm fucking talking to people back from my hometown. Right. Which I don't think anyone's happy about. But like,'t think anyone's happy about but like that's just the way it is that's just the way it is so she continued on to say the guy back at school wanted me to come up for the

weekend and stay with him and his dick was bomb so i had to but my ex had left a huge hickey on my boob the night before i was planning to go so i went over to my friends to have her help me scratch my boob with a fork and makeup brush to make it look like i had fallen i told the dude i ran into a brick wall while playing catch and swimming at my house and he believed it he thought i was a klutz and it was an inside joke between the two of us for our entire relationship i still laugh every time i think about it love y'all thanks for getting me through all my college hookups you're the best that is so amazing the thing is women are brilliant they're so you gotta give it to us and how fucked up it became an

inside joke he's like babe you're such a klutz and she's like right babe she's like babe you and me haha we can wink and joke together dude that is like pretty fucking unbelievable that reminds me i remember do you remember when we went to la and the guy that i was hooking up with bit my nipple and like bit my boob and i had a straight up bite mark bit my nipple and like bit my boob. And I had a straight up bite mark on my nipple and my boob. And it was like obviously super hot in the heat of the moment. But then at the time I was I took a picture to send to another guy, another guy. And I have I'm trying to send a nude and I have a fucking bite mark on my dick.

And I'm like, this logistically isn't gonna work i'm gonna slap on like my hand over my right well i hope you used photoshop but i actually just like made it a different nude than i like wanted to you sent him an ass nude i sent him an ass nude and i was covering my nipples but the thing is is if you had to hook up with the guy in person yeah you've got it and you had the bite mark my dog bit my titty what are you what are you gonna do sofia got hungry sofia was just trying something out that's where i would come in and i would like smash like a wine bottle onto your tit and take a video you just so happen to be videoing send it to the guy everything's good listen the thing is about life is everything can

be solved with a lie a good lie can get you far in life and i think that this girl is a perfect example of now she has a fucking inside joke and an amazing memory right maybe they both remember it differently but they remember i mean i think we would do this for each other yeah i'm coming okay hi daddy's question the other night my boyfriend was playing video games in the living room while i was alone in our bedroom well i started touching myself and using a vibrator and wanted him to join so i started sending him nudes of my tits, my body and videos of me using my vibrator live time. He proceeded to open all of the pictures and videos with no reply whatsoever.

A message back, not even a message back. He also didn't even come in or reply in any way. Just a flat out open and no response to any my question is what do i do from here should i say something never bring it up never do it again i'm just not sure what the right thing is to do thanks in advance okay why do i feel like this girl is not telling us the full story okay and why in a fight right there's no way how are you in your room masturbating and he's in the same home as you and he's not dropping his controller and walking into the fucking room he's either pissed at her

for something or he like was in the middle of doing something right well i don't understand why are you saying should i never bring it up should i say something are you i would throw my vibrator at his fucking head at his controller knock it out of his hand knock it out break the xbox yeah make a scene at 100 like what would you do if you literally sent suit man a video of you in the bedroom and he was in the other room and he just didn't even acknowledge it and didn't come in no something's wrong first of all that just would never fucking happen it just i just know that that would not happen if it did i would walk into whatever room he was in and i'd be like buzz buzz bitch you want to tell me like what's going on and just so you know you will not be fucking this for a straight month

now you missed the opportunity yeah i just feel like a lot of times i maybe in quarantine too i think girls are struggling with like why is my boyfriend so obsessed with video games? Why can I not get his attention? Right. And I think it's like, if you're dating someone that is that consumed by video games, that when you send him a video of a toy going inside of your pussy, he's not dropping. That's a video game addiction. Yeah.

And like, that's like really unattractive. And you should be like, this is the thing I need to get service and you're not servicing me. So I'm going to go get service somewhere else else right and and it's not even cheating it's just like doing the due diligence to my vagina that it deserves yeah unless this girl maybe i'm trying to play devil's advocate is constantly masturbating right he's like there she is trying to entice him with like videos then my advice to you would be like slow down take a pause and like don't be sexual for a few days and so you guys can like start because he's like

goddamn there she's doing it again he's like my dick literally has rug burn like for the love of god stop becky yeah yeah i i guess we need more details, but I'm sorry, girlfriend. That sounds horrible. This girl wrote, and she said, So I cheated on my boyfriend over the weekend. Not proud of it, but the other guy was a 10. Sex was a 10. Now I realized I got to break up with him and not sure what to say. Please help.

I really want to get back in the game. I think that's kind of easy. It's easy also it pains me to say this but like maybe cheating is exactly what you need to do it's what the doctor ordered it is what the doctor ordered here today folks a little cheat and cheat the cheating helped her realize that there was just so much better out there this is also the worst nightmare i know men are like this is why you're not allowed to listen to that fucking podcast you listen to so usually when people cheat they're like it wasn't worth it and it opened my eyes this girl's

like oh it was more than worth it i want to do it again it like put things in perspective girlfriend just end the relationship i was gonna say it's almost like kind of the biggest blessing like i feel like the guilt so many people have like you are flying high over there just keep riding that high you end the relationship you just tell him should she be like i cheated no no no don't give him the satisfaction no you don't want to leave the relationship being like the bad guy because like you just never know you just want to be like hey this isn't working for me and like i think we need to break up obviously like you add more details and like be sympathetic and stuff but you don't need to fucking tell him that you got it in no because you're about to go get it in even more and like you need to stay on your positive vibe right don't let him bring you down no you cheat and you walk

right out that door but yeah break up with him okay that's that's really good okay um this girl was like so i matched with this guy on a dating app who is literally my type so perfect and we start messaging on and off one day he asks for my instagram handle to talk there but instead he starts watching all my stories but he never dms me recently he decided to unfollow me and stop talking to me but little does he know i've already matched with his best friend do i follow his friend on instagram before i unfollow the guy or should i unfollow him and then follow the friend you know what we just need to be blunt here the guy went and looked at this girl's photo he was like he wasn't into it no he wasn't into

it and that's okay that's okay you're not gonna be everyone's cup of tea right maybe you are his best friend so when she's like what do I do you absolutely unfollow the guy that ghosted you before you follow the best friend on the the Instagram. Guys are weird like that. Obviously you didn't hit it off with his friend. Yet. And so if he goes and sees you follow his best friend. He's going to be like. I don't even think this guy is going to go look at who she's following.

Probably not. He saw her profile and he was like I'm out. Right. I kind of think this sequencing of events doesn't even matter. Does it really matter when she goes and unfollows the guy that ghosted her? Well I think you should just unfollow the ghost guy immediately unfollow the guy that ghosted you and then fucking start following his best friend yes but like drop him if he dropped you you drop him i don't know why the fuck you're even still following him right get rid of him

thank you thank you okay are you ready for this i'm ready i am 20 years old and for some reason i've always had a fantasy of an old man like 65 plus fucking me is that weird it's okay when guys want a milf but if a girl wants a dill that's gross thoughts okay is it 60 something i think that's more like a grandpa right a gill a gill because when you when you say milf what age are you thinking i'm thinking like i'm thinking 40 yeah i'm thinking like late 30s 40s yeah so the 65 plus have you ever hooked up with and she's 20 no i have not i haven't either so i personally can't listen but we're not gonna judge no no no totally i think that the appeal to women of older men stems from the fact that we are in a world where men even in their 30s don't know how to make a woman come right so naturally the older the man

the more experienced you believe he is and maybe just maybe he'll make you come and so i get maybe this girl is like i am not getting service and this six-year-old this guy will absolutely make me fucking squirt i think you have a point but like i don't know we need to like head into like this 60s 70s to have a guy like even like maybe like in his like 50s yeah like lower to the half-life yeah yeah i think this fantasy no he's like lived half his life that's what i meant i think this fantasy probably has something to do with like the um submissive yeah being wanting to be like dominated thing like you just want an older guy who like knows what he's doing really knows what he's doing he's been around the block look i'm not gonna judge you at all and i think that if this girl wants to act out this fantasy as long as you're being super safe about it then well i also think

that we always talk about how there's a difference between fantasy and what you actually want to act out in reality so maybe you have this fantasy about like this six-year-old guy but really you just want to fuck an older dude right so maybe what you go and you fuck like a 30 year old or a 40 year old true and get it out of your system yeah maybe you can just watch porn that's older guys fucking other girls. With saggy balls. I'm just kidding. No. Good for you, girl.

Yeah. Do whatever the fuck you want to do. Full support. Okay. Here we go. Hey, daddies. I am hooking up with a professional soccer player at the beginning of his career. And we are both young, about in our 20s i sent him a nude video today

and he responded with the usual my dick just got hard etc so i said show me this guy gave me a speech about how he can not send a dick pic because he has seen other athletes past come back to haunt them and he doesn't want it to get leaked and hurt his career even though his face would not even be in the picture he was like and i said okay i respect that if you're not comfortable don't stress then two hours later he sends me a dick pic and only writes i swear if this shows up in 10 years i'll never forgive you like what one i'm not horny anymore and two am I supposed to be turned on by the threat and lack of trust so I'm wondering oh Alex have you ever experienced this type of paranoia over nudes videos from professional athletes is it normal or question

mark question mark question mark okay wow that's interesting it's very interesting because i've had situations not that i've dated a professional athlete but i've had situations where you're sexting and then something else is brought up yeah and then the guy like sends you something sexual and it's like are we gonna continue being sexual are we gonna continue on this other conversation we were having right she she feels weird because he's like blending the two right he's sending a dick pic after he said he didn't want to send a dick pic and then he's also like if this ever gets out i will never forgive you and it's like do you want me to start masturbating to that or are we having a like what i see where she's coming from but i think she needs to not take it as seriously. And that is his way of showing her.

I trust you. Yeah. I was going to say the fact that he is confident and as much as his text is kind of being like, fuck you. If this ever comes out, it's also like, but I also fucking trust you. Yeah. He's also, I get really horny for you. So I'm going to send.

Right. You know, I think that athletes have very large egos and why are you laughing? 100%. Sounded like you're going to say they have very large dicks. And I was going to be like, that's not a qualification. No. So they all have very large egos.

And I think that you have to be super careful about how you go about asking them for certain things. But I do have to say. Well, is it an ego thing or just like a safety precaution thing? Well, it is. But I also think it's like, well, no, I'm never going to let that be me. Like, I'm not going to be the guy that's fucking nudes come out. Okay. I think that it's kind of great that he sent you this picture though because if you can

with an athlete find a way for him to do things with you that he never would do with other girls you immediately he feels you're like just he just sees you in this different light yeah so I think that's amazing he sent this yeah and I just think don't push it like don't keep pushing him for more pictures no well I just think don't make this a big deal respond with something slutty be like yeah i am so happy like i got you to cave and send that because now i'm touching myself yeah and now like you can trust me yes and now moving forward he's probably gonna start sending you yes and then you may be the only girl he's sending shit to yeah i get that it's kind of weird i think you just you always go sexual keep keep

going sexual with the conversation head towards the light of sexual always this is a serious question okay this guy wrote in and he prefaced the question by saying it's kind of dark i'm 22 and i haven't had a girlfriend yet and i'm kind of a virgin i had been sexually molested growing up from multiple family members and was pretty messed up in almost every way, sexually, emotionally, relationships, etc. Fast forward to now, I'm 95% healed and ready to begin a normal life of dating girls. I'm embarrassed about never having a girlfriend, never had sex with a girl. I'm embarrassed slash worried that my inexperience would turn girls away if such questions would

arise advice thanks studying your podcast has definitely put my mind at ease oh wow I'm happy okay I don't think we've ever no um talked about something like this no sexual abuse is extremely common yeah it's really horrible but it is yeah and i think that this is amazing that this guy is saying he's 95 healed right if anyone is dealing with that i think therapy is a great resource yeah um but besides that he's saying like he's worried and embarrassed to like go into relationships now i think that it's not that you need to be ashamed if something like this has happened not at all i also don't think that it's something you may want to bring up once you feel comfortable and safe with the person you're dating so i think this guy should

come up with a reason and a way to say he's a virgin without having to divulge right his full past right away right i agree i think that you have to keep in perspective that these girls do not know about your past right and so when you are going into this there are so many virgins in the world yes you are one of many and that is totally fine yeah and so when you go about this if you can try to separate that you're a virgin from what has happened in your past maybe it will allow you to just be like all right i'm a virgin like that's fucking fine yeah and i'm gonna eventually find a girl that likes me right i was gonna i think that's so smart it has a lot to do with how you approach this yeah if you approach it feeling embarrassed and worried then that's how it's gonna come off to girl. If you approach it a little bit differently where you're like, look, I just haven't found the right girl.

Yes. And I'm waiting for that. And that's like my MO. That's so respectable. That's totally fine. Yeah. I think like a lot of girls will understand. I mean, he's 22. It's not like he's a 42 year old virgin. Right. Right. Yeah. Listen, I think that everyone has shit in their past that has you know that you carry over into your new relationship and i think that if you are working on yourself and you feel like you're ready for a girlfriend try to go into these relationships full-blown focusing on yourself and what you want and if it's sex that you want then go about it like it's okay to use a little bit of a white lie in the beginning yeah like you don't need to full-blown go in and be like i have

all the i mean sofia doesn't fucking go into her new relationship by the way right all this shit went down no i don't either like you keep it to yourself until you open up to that person and sometimes you open up sexually first yeah um so it's up to you but i would just be confident yeah absolutely and once you find the right girl and you want to tell her about it then tell her yeah okay daddy well guys another week another episode another corona filled week oh god i i just pray that this ends sooner than later but we know it's gonna last a while so everyone stay inside keep having facetime sex keep sexting keep cheating on your significant other keep sending voice memos of you sounding sexy yeah the trail the trail the trail the trail guys hi yeah let's just say we're in the forest and we're we're heading out towards sea it's coming it's coming it's coming okay we

love you guys so much go follow us on instagram mine is alexandra cooper mine is sophia with an f franklin with a y all right peace out daddies we love you there's no episode there's no way we can do it it's not going right something's wrong sophia and i can't stop laughing we can't get one word out there was a potential we were in our apartments and there was just a man sitting in our apartment and here we go can you hold your microphone normal please that's what i'm like why do i sit on the ground so you can't see me dude that honestly might help if it's just audio

okay okay okay yeah no you sit on the ground and I'll sit up here. And if you need me, just... Okay, okay, okay. All right. Dude, I'm not... No, no. No, no. It would be fine for the first thing.

Maybe we need to take like a fucking second. Just like breathe, breathe, breathe. Okay, here we go. Are you fucking kidding me? No, you said here we go. Are you fucking kidding me? No, you said here we go. Okay. All right. I need to stand up for five seconds.

Jesus Christ. I literally feel like we took laughing gas. Why am I laughing? This isn't funny.