Call Her Daddy - 89- "I F**ked the Mascot" (ft. Hannah Berner)

Episode Date: July 22, 2020

Father Cooper is joined by a guest who is bringing the energy and a shit-ton of wild stories this week. Daddy Gang, give a warm welcome to Hannah Berner. In this week's episode, Hannah fucks a mascot, Alex lies about Chlamydia, and a man does coke off Hannah's tit. Are you READY?! Also, the Flirting Bible is revealed, the women dive into Hannah's time on reality television, her parents watching her have sex, and their commonality of both having been Division 1 athletes, and also their love for f*cking athletes! ENJOY #DADDYGANG

do you call him daddy do i call her daddy call her daddy what the fuck is up daddy motherfucking gang it is alex cooper back at it again for another episode of call her daddy daddy gang are you listening to me i'm you guys are gonna be so fucking happy we have a guest this week it's not just gonna be me talking the whole time i know you guys were like so alex we love you but like please stop talking no we have a guest this week she is hot she is sexual i literally before this asked her how she wants me to introduce her and she's like you know like five seven and i was like perfect pussy and she's like perfect pussy um guys introducing hannah burner i am so honored to be here dear father and i just want to say you doing your solo episodes like i hate hearing myself talk for too

much so the fact that you can tolerate yourself for more than an hour is amazing it's really you know I can't tolerate it but I have a job to do you hearing yourself laugh like did you ever hear yourself laugh in the background of an insta story and you're just like who lets me exist on this planet so imagine everyone listening doing that for an hour and then i edit my own show so i'm like bitch you are so not fucking funny shut the fuck up don't you wish you could edit yourself in person like after an awkward date or an awkward interaction where like you say like you two to the waiter when he says enjoy your food like edit that shit out well we can in a

podcast which is brilliant so hannah thank you so much for coming on today. I'm so honored. Okay, so how I found out about you is when I was talking to my disgusting ex-boyfriend. He was disgusting. You know, sometimes we make decisions in life and we regret it to this day. That's one of them. Anyways, so I was talking to my ex and he was like, I'm watching this show. And I'm like, tell me what shows so we can bond you know quarantine you need things to talk about and he's like you're gonna laugh but

I'm watching a reality show and I'm like okay what's the reality show and he says Summer House now listen I watch the Kardashians I watch some of these big shows and sometimes I'm not gonna lie I'm a little stingy with like what shows I pick and watch so when I heard Summer House I'm not gonna lie I'm a little stingy with like what shows I pick and watch so when I heard Summer House I'm like I've never heard of it but I have but I'm not sure I watched it obsessed literally binge watched the whole fucking what are they four seasons five seasons everything I know everyone's drama I know everything so thank you for coming on and hanging out thank you Summer House is a drunken psych ward I feel like that's also what goes on within your brain so you just felt at home watching it's it's literally me on a reality show i'm like oh all i do is like try to fuck dudes and then pee in hot tubs and that's my aesthetic and like bloat and crop top blow it dude i was gonna say the fact that you're on a

real and guys we're not gonna talk about the reality show the whole time but the fact that you are on a reality show I want to just quickly address Like Hannah is There's a scene where you are full blown Like moaning at the top of your lungs And although they're not showing you having sex We're hearing the sound effects

We see all of the people that live in the house with you Like whoa what is that noise Like what is coming out of that bedroom Like what is that man doing to Hannah How do your parents feel about it So my parents they are angels they just want me to be happy i think they just want me to get fucked it's at the point where they're just i don't know so i was watching with my mom and my dad and the scene goes on i just start going oh and my dad's like i'm trying to watch what are you doing trying to watch and i'm like dad this will change you for life. If you hear this,

you're like, dad, I'm getting eaten out. So like, let's just address the elephant in the room. Pussy getting eaten. You don't want to hear it. But I,

I want women to embrace their like enjoying things. Like we're always caretakers. Like make sure he feels good. I want to be like, I give credit where credit's deserved. If your tongue is in the right place, then I'm going to make noises i will make sure you know i fucking like it hannah thank you and i respect you for that because i think i

mean was it weird getting on a reality show like convincing yourself to be okay with cameras like filming you making out with guys it's so funny because when i was in the process of like interviewing i was like i'm not your hot mess you know i am like i'm determined i'm sporty i'm independent and then fast forward i'm like i'm your fucking hot mess but i'm having a good time no literally on the show hannah is just like fucked up she's like hooking up with these guys she's living her best life you really were like one of my favorites because i think although i do like some of the psycho ones that like i secretly hate but you're one that i like so that you're that's why you're here on the show.

Thank you. So Hannah and I have a little connection. We have something in common. Hannah was also a Division One athlete. And I just want to quickly talk about it, not in like the boring way, but like I want to talk about it because in the past on call her daddy and it was totally understandable but my old co-host obviously had no idea even what like sports were and we always joked about it but I think a lot of people look at me and they're like

so you say you played division one soccer but you never speak about it and so sorry but we like can't help but not believe that like you never fucking played soccer bitch meanwhile up until when i graduated that was literally my identity like i was a soccer player i spent my entire life being a soccer player so it's kind of nice to have someone here that gets it because you what sport did you play i was a tennis player oh where love means nothing what the fuck does that mean i had that set up well zero and love wait what do you know anything about tennis oh my god wait that those are the match point things oh 40 love means zero look at us teaching each other i literally okay i like know about tennis but i don't like know about tennis tennis is like a good vibe to when things come down like

we'll go to the u.s open together and like put on a look put on a look get a fit get a but the only problem is you can't talk and me and you will get kicked out because we'll start like talking and drinking yes okay so oh and i think like tennis player guys are hot they're so hot but a lot of them yeah they're all like above six feet not too tall though but they're kind of narcissistic because it's all about them like they, they're not a team sport. Oh. But I feel like I always pick narcissists anyway. Same. Do they make a lot of money?

They can, but only, like, the top 150. Right. You guys, this is important. I know, like, Federer and Nadal. Yes. I know those two. Yes. Hit me up. Yes.

Those two, they both are married with children, but still. Still. You never know. Maybe they're into that shit. Girls, if you want to fuck a professional athlete, you have to understand the sport a little bit so you know what the money coming in is. Yes. Like, for example, tennis, he's 300 in the world, not making money.

Not making money. Same with golf. The 300th best doctor is doing great, not with sports. So, girls, do your research. Oh, do your research. Like, lacrosse, you're not making money. No. And the sex is not consensual.

No. No, dude. and the sex is not consensual no no dude lacrosse players are straight up like dirty disgusting dance but also like you have no career you're making no money and they're also all a lot of them are under six feet yeah oh my god maybe because they're more sturdy at the ground like they hit each other's shins but you know what let me say something in college i will give it to the lacrosse team like at boston they were kind of the guys that a lot of us started to hang out with because they don't take the sport as seriously yes yes so they can party more finance bros boom thank you okay now let's talk about ourselves how about that we're, wait, let's talk about this sport now. Okay, so Hannah, you played Division I.

I played Division I. I think that you grow into a specific, like Daddy Yang, like I know that I sound like a psycho, crazy, sexual being, but for a majority of my life, I could not do certain things because, oh my God, the scholarship's on the line. And then once you get to college, you can't post certain shit that normal college people can post because your fucking coach is watching your every move. They use the scholarship to scare the shit out of you.

Scare the shit. It'd be like if you're late to practice, you lose your scholarship. And all of us, our parents invested in us to get here. Right. So you're like, I don't want to lose my scholarship because I got hung over and slept too long. So our thing was we'd train all week and then we'd have matches on the weekend and sunday nights us and the hockey guys would go to the kk i went to wisconsin gold be at yours oh my god my dad went to wisconsin playing hockey there yeah small world small world and hockey is fucking

huge i didn't know shit about hockey but my mom said to stay away from them. She said they have no teeth, STDs, and they're all older than you. Wait, I love all of those things. I love no teeth. I love STDs. I was just saying no STDs. Why do you love no teeth? I don't know. It just means they're badass.

And like, I don't know. One of the guys that I was talking to had like fake teeth veneers and they like looked great. But I was like, I kind of love the idea that they're so like they're constantly in fights and they're just like rough around the edges. I do like a guy who looks like he could take a punch yeah that turns around if your nose is prettier than mine we're gonna have issues we're gonna have issues because you're gonna make me feel self-conscious and I don't love to feel that way I want you to be like a little less attractive than me I love being the funnier one and then like have models okay wait have you

ever sorry guys we're all over the place but we're gonna have you ever dated models so i was seeing a model on summer house but he was half model half athlete he was like a hockey guy too so it's a terrible combination most models in new york city yeah they love themselves they i don't like guys who take long to do their hair and i don't mean to be like no masculine enough no but models I want them to prioritize like living life. And a lot of these models are like doing abs in the morning. Counting calories. I have to be honest, every single time I'm on Raya, I used to talk about it. Are we allowed to?

We're going to get kicked off if we talk about Raya. No, you just can't talk about who's on there. Okay, got it. So I love how you know that. Trust me. I've done my research because I'm like my fucking show dude I'm not gonna be able to date anyone at some point like people are gonna be like no we know you're talking about us on your show so every time I go on Raya daddy gang let us know if you

feel the same but for me personally every single time I see a model I press x he can be the most gorgeous model in the world yeah I know I just know in my soul i will never date a model i know that sounds superficial of me well i guess is that no that's not super fit wait no that's not unshallowed thing you've ever said in your life oh my god are you growing literally growing thriving i want i don't want him not because of the way he looks i sorry i'm being an asshole but like yeah i think that they have like no substance if they if you're a man and you're a model you're so in love with yourself and i don't i'm sorry but i'm not attracted to a guy that takes pictures for a living that's so fucking asshole but sorry this is a thing hot guy models are the same as hot girls they're fucking crazy and they've been treated differently their whole life because of their

looks thank you so like what this model i was seeing he would like say a stupid joke and the waiter would like lose his damn mind like he was a fucking stand-up comedian and i looked at him i was like you know that that would be creepy if you were ugly and he's like no no it's not like they do the most stupid shit and people are just like reinforce amazing yeah like no bitch these people have not been treated by society like society's never told them to shut up they never told them they're stupid yeah and like one thing i learned early on i had this like older teammate who was fucking one of the hockey guys he was so beautiful and hot but one of the guys who's on the rangers and he just

left fuck i love name dropping oh wait yeah um his name is who was the captain of the rangers like two years ago he was so hot um brown hair oh okay that what brown hair and hot where did he go he he went to wisconsin then he went he was on the rangers ryan mcdonough why don't i not know that person well he's married so whatever super well okay oh so i was at the bar and i'm a freshman and he was the captain of a team he was like big deal oh my god and he like came up to me and talked to me and i looked at him and i go are you the captain of the hockey team and my friend jess grabbed me by the shirt pulled me aside and goes don't you ever ever ever ever the fucking satisfaction that you look up to them they are nothing dude and from that day forward your friend is genius she changed the game for me and like it's not

treating men like shit but like it's not the bachelor we're not trying to earn them to get their attention no let them get your fucking attention thank you the fact that your friend i would have been that friend because i swear to god i remember i was young i was 18 i didn't know you didn't know i remember my when i was going on my recruitment trip right before I went for my freshman year I went and we were watching the women's ice hockey um game and across the stadium my upperclassmen that were going to be my upperclassmen were like guys those are the hockey boys you will literally like never speak to them probably like they are literally like god's like blessed earth don't put him on the pedestal so i'm sitting there and i was a psycho in fucking high school

so i'm sitting there listening to these seniors say that to me and i'm like so i'm coming onto this campus and if i do one fucking thing it is going to make one of these hockey boys fall in love with me i get on campus i do just that i infiltrate the fucking shit out of them they're my classes and i just love that word infiltrate infiltrate get the fuck in there infiltrate oh my god it makes me wet i'm like yes infiltrate infiltrate i want to be in their phone in their heads everywhere so i start hanging out with all the hockey guys and all my upperclassmen are like what the fuck is cooper doing like how did she start talking to them don't try to manage you i like to say i can't be managed you tell me not to do something I will do it thank you I was like bitches you just don't

have confidence fucking walk up to them and say hi my name's fucking Alex let's hang out but the point is what is the point those men on that campus if you guys are in college or if you're out of college and we're talking about professional athletes they get everything handed to them yeah they get sex handed to them yeah what Hannah said that that awful day at the bar or the night at the bar where you were like are you the captain no you don't even know he plays no idea you have no idea who he is and you don't fucking care also you're busy like you've places to go you're looking behind him you're distracted like he's annoying yeah he's almost he's literally he's annoying something about him of anyone in the bar like you're just like also forget his name forget his name on

purpose like five minutes in just be like oh my god i'm so sorry so embarrassing what's your name again yes do pull that shit it's not mean it's letting them know you're not on a pedestal you're not i don't give a fuck um i want to ask you um did you have to like worry about what you were posting on social media oh yeah so i got in trouble once because i posted a facebook profile pic that was so dope and i was like giving a middle finger i was like such a badass right and i was 19 just putting a finger up to the man and like the ncaa was like you have to take that down and i was like can i just blur it and they were like just stop being a little bitch and i was like fine dude that's what i hope people understand is like as great as it is to be an athlete in college it's literally a fucking nightmare yeah and you basically your whole

life is controlled you're owned by them you're owned like my biggest the hardest part of it was the first day of season they give you a calendar that says every single day for the next 10 months what you're going to do and as someone who like hates bosses hates being controlled I felt like I was in a jail cell it's kind of terrifying I I remember like my soccer coach lots of stories there one day daddy gang but my soccer coach was like so up everyone's asses about social media and I in high school was posting with all the red cups and people throwing up at high school parties like I was a degenerate and so when I was in college I remember getting a um dm from barstool sports and they asked me if they could post my bikini picture for a smoke show of the day and back then that was like a big thing yeah and I remember sitting in the cafeteria and being like holy fuck like do i tell them yes i know my coach literally is going to be

like you're off the team almost that's like not contractually no no no so i lied so technically they they have to get your permission to post it yeah so i give them permission barstool posts me as smoke show of the day i am up you have to do a throwback on this episode oh my god oh my god i should it was literally a picture from the dominican republic of my ass like i'm pretty sure it was like so fucking like um airbrushed and it like looks bad now but like back then it was hot apparently so they post it and i know immediately i'm fucked it was it started to spread like wildfire and all of a sudden my dms that was the beginning of the professional athlete saga because my dms it was insanity so i'm on it for less than 24 hours and my coach calls me and i am shitting bricks i'm like this is it this is it she calls me scariest

woman alive she was like alex i just heard what's on barstool sports take it down now i can't and i'm like so i don't own barstool sports but let me get in contact with that guy david portnoy so i'm going ape shit dming dave like'm like, I don't know who this is. Like, hi, I need you to take off my picture. Like, I need to take it off. It's not porn, though. It's not. It's just my asshole.

Shut up. It looks great. Yeah. So I get in contact with Gaz, who works at Barstool now. He takes it down. Less than 24 hours. I got so many fucking followers. And it became almost like a bigger story because I had to take it down

because I was an athlete, et cetera. And after that picture. You have controversy around you at all times all times so anyway so after that I started to connect with all the professional athletes in Boston and that situation in college was not normal when did you first realize like wait these athletes are not healthy all the time oh because no one tells you that when you're younger that's a really good question i think um i think i always knew like having i grew up with my dad working for the nhl and literally as i grew up he was like i know i'm raising you around all these professional athletes but they actually fucking suck alex and all i'm hearing is i love them dad this is amazing and what do you i fuck everyone that's like, oh, you have a type.

What do you expect? When I was literally, when I'm little, I'm going to the stadium for Christmas parties with my family, skating on the ice with these fucking hockey players. Can you skate? Yes, bitch. Yes, bitch. Yes, bitch. Oh, shit. Can you do a little twirl?

I was on a hockey team when I was younger. Oh my God. So like, why do you think I like fucking hockey players, right? So, but i always knew and i think that from a young age i just never even let myself think about them in a but it's also hard because your dad's a hockey player who met your mom who made you so you're like oh hockey players but i'm like look at daddy he did it now daddy number two should be able to do it that's so fucked up yeah guys like our dad um exactly it's so true yeah and my parents are the most

in love people like literally been married for over 30 years like oh my god but my dad's a dick and my mom's just like you find a guy the second he met me he changed and i'm like you're the exception to the rule okay you wonder why can i tell you a theory i have because now that you're in the club with our parents are still in love and they're together i think it almost fucks us up more because our standards are so high thank you in today's all of my friends their parents are divorced i'm i'm like am i the only person that has parents that are still in love and together the only one who has hope no literally i grew up in the most healthy stable environment still flirt literally they are so in love like my dad is so obsessed with my mom

it's like insane and i'm like so let me just tell you folks something fuck you i always tell them this i'm like you guys suck because now dad there are no men like you so i'm looking at the two of you have this amazing relationship i can't find that anymore dad they all fucking cheat and they're disgusting and they're 100 rather be single than stuck in a relationship that makes me feel like crap dude same oh i the women that stay in relationships where they're getting cheated And I'd 100% rather be single than stuck in a relationship that makes me feel like crap. Dude, same. The women that stay in relationships where they're getting cheated on, like, so how do you do that? How do you, in a constant day-to-day basis, know that he's fucking around and you just

stay for what? For what? How much self-worth do you have? Zero. They say happiness, like, the loneliest you could be, I guess, is single. And then, like, the saddest you could be is in a bad relationship. Whoa. So it's like the saddest you actually are is not when you're single. It you could be is in a bad relationship whoa so it's like the saddest you actually are is not when you're single it's when you're in a bad relationship that's actually so fucking true because it's like you have it you're supposed to have it supposed

to be great and it's fucking awful dude i swear to god if anyone's listening to this and you're in a toxic relationship i know it's easier said than done but get the fuck out commercial commercial so i preferred football guys and i like them big like i was dating this six eight dude at wisconsin but it's funny too when you date d1 athletes that they have so much high pressure yeah this guy also was definitely um like his brain didn't work like he would tell me he'd get hit and he would just see colors all the time and he wants it's okay babe yeah i'm here for you what the fuck your face is so symmetrical you look so cute though he texted me once he spelled the word isn't i s i n t and i was like did you know that's not how it's spelled and he's like i'm tired and i go you don't add a letter no you don't add a letter no no dude they're so dumb so meaty and hot though and the problem with dating

the u. one athletes is like he was on tv every weekend like on espn right so you'd watch the game and you just be like please don't be the one that loses the game for us because that'll be like too much on me yeah as a girlfriend and then like then they then they don't want to come back and party and like it ruins your whole week dude my mom to this day is like can you stop dating athletes because i will watch him pitching i will watch him in the game fucking skating around on the ice and i'm sitting there and my saturday night depends on if this motherfucker is going to be in a good mood after this game and i'm literally like screaming at the tv like don't fuck up you fucking loser and every time it goes wrong i swear to god

i am bad deal with his bullshit after yes girlfriend literally he's not calling his dad fuck no talk to him anymore he's pissed at you he hates you you're not going to the party the amount of fucking times i will watch that motherfucker pitching or skating or doing whatever the fuck he's doing and i'm sitting there and i'm like so he just lost the game and i swear to god i'm a black cloud along athletes like i swear to god i can't believe i'm even speaking into existence i try to hide it every fucking athlete that i date something they get injured something happens to them i swear to god i'm bad luck for them but i'm gonna cut that out because i need to like keep them coming but it's the truth it's the truth it's just these are things i'm trying to open people's

minds who are like i want to do this no bad this is the problem alex okay are you ready yes you are playing the game so hard that you don't even know if you actually like him yes thank you so I realized that I've dated guys up like this one guy I was dating who had fame seven months in after I'd won him over went met his parents I literally looked in the mirror one day and I go you hate him like there's not one part of him and that's why I started doing this stand-up routine that was like do i actually like him or does he just wear his hat backwards oh my god i'm gonna start crying come up with one now fuck okay well i would my go-to is do i really like him or does his

google net worth say that it's like above five million and i'm like fuck me but i'm sorry it's kind of fucking cute when you see the millions and you're like hi baby like i'm sorry and half the time i don't even make these guys buy me shit but i just like it all right sue me and then there's a little things like do i like him or do i just like when he clenches his jaw and it makes that little muscle movement in the back of his cheek oh keep going wait that's such a good one oh my god when they have like nice bone structure and i have a terrible rule the amount of inches a guy is above six feet is the amount of months i'll stay with him after discovering he's a trash human being hannah wait a second we i know i'm fucked up but you you're like so he's six eights we have eight months according to my calculation we have eight months that should be good to go then i'll fucking be done with them

i can tell a guy's height from across the room oh yes and a dude has come up to me like i'm six three and i'm like you're not you're not and let's not you're like sweetheart just stop let me get out my tape measure are you starting this with lies because that's all i hear fuck you but my crate one of my wildest nights for d1 tennis i'm at a d1 school because you probably have some wild nights yes one was i had a dick appointment like you know those nights when you go out and you already have a dick appointment oh my god it's great so i was fucking um these big football dudes and i i just wasn't having fun anymore and i said i need to fuck the next thing closest to an athlete but not an athlete and that's the mascot his name is bucky badger and he has fucking swag i don't appreciate you right now i thought you were gonna say a narp i thought you

were gonna say a guy you're like so i'm fucking the mascot sorry sorry what he's a badger and he's fucking adorable no i think that's the lowest of the low he wears a mascot jumpsuit people love bucky no like people go nuts for what is bucky what is the mascot is it bc or bu oh bu it's a um a terrier it's a fucking dog okay well mine was badgers like the african honey badger is the most scary animal in the world oh right i right. I read that on YouTube once. Or it was Twitch. You read that on YouTube. Yes, yes.

You can read on. You guys, I'm an athlete. I'm an idiot. Fuck. I'm an idiot. Okay, so you start fucking the mascot. I'm going to try not to judge. Keep going.

Once he was like, can I fuck you with the mascot head on? No, he didn't. And I was like, honestly, I can't. You're lying. No, he asked me. So is he into furries? You know how people dress up and want to wear that kind of kind of shit to actually fuck maybe but it's one of those things sometimes guys do it just to tell their friends that doesn't turn me on right right i'm

like if this is for a story bro like go fuck a stupid stacy that's like a fucking dumb twat and if it's not a good story for me like i don't want to i don't want to be that person no i am sorry but i don't think you want to be like so i got fucked by the mascot and he wore his fucking hat i don't think so i don't think that's I got fucked by the mascot and he wore his fucking hat. I don't think so. I don't think that's a good. I have nightmares for the rest of my life of like huge teddy bears trying to fucking like come inside me. That's literally a nightmare.

Okay. So I had his dick appointment and I love going out and you have no stress of trying to find a guy like he's like afterwards. Hit me up. So then I get into this party and I see again, uh, probably before he's not athlete, but he was like a manager on the basketball team so he's like a wannabe basketball player okay but he was he was older his his name was tucker tucker his social security number was you're like his instagram is this um

go check him out let me know he was so hot he was in my brother's frat and he was older and i always thought he was so hot and he had this like he just beeline towards me okay we're flirting and we're talking and i was like wait i want to fuck tucker not the mascot the mascot it's like the mascot or the um basketball manager guy which one is worse i don't know keep going we don't know we're in a dark place and we don't care yes we just want to stay positive and he's like come back to my place so i'm like yes we go back and we go to his his little room you know back then guys didn't have money oh yeah of course we're in dorm rooms it's awful and we're kissing and it's so hot and i'm just like oh yes and then he takes his pants off and i take my pants off

and before he even goes in me he goes shit i just nutted and you don't know like do you laugh you're like do you do you like say it's okay do you be like no you're joking or do you like check to shit on him literally like do you say is this what your dad imagined for you to do in college literally would your dad be proud of you what the fuck are we doing here you're in the fourth quarter bitch you lost it but this is the problem is like as a girl i just liked him right so and i also guys when you come fast they're gonna talk shit about it but we're also deeply flattered we are deeply flattered and also there is something about it that like you know he's insecure in that moment so if that

happens you should take advantage of him being vulnerable and you can literally because if you treat him right and don't make him feel shitty he will literally be like wait i actually really like this girl she handled it really well and as embarrassed as why did you feel safe around you yeah i'm just you're so right you are a mental terrorist literally i'd be like it's okay and then that's kind of the best situation sitting there we end up like talking and just one-on-one and we're talking shit and then my phone starts to blow up. Oh, God, it's the mascot. And the mascot is like goes, I'm in your apartment.

Your roommate let me in. I'm in your bed waiting for you. And I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm still kind of into the mascot, but I'm very into this guy right here. But I realize like I have to dip. So you didn't get dick. I go, I have to go. And he goes, can I please walk you home?

And I go, oh, no, no, no, you can't. You can't. The mascot's actually there. Bucky is coming. Bucky is waiting for me to come. Bucky is at my apartment. I literally go, I'm sorry, no. And you could tell he's like feeling rejected.

Right, insecure. But then part of me is kind of like, what? Like I rejected whatever. I have shit to do. Right. And I leave. And then I go home. And I like mess around with the Bucky.

And I felt so naughty. But the problem problem with this is is I never heard from basketball manager again because I think he felt so rejected when I was actually so into him dude I am so oh my god every man listening to this listen to Hannah right now I swear to god that makes sense because he was so embarrassed. And then for me to be like, don't walk me home. He must have been like, she hates me. He was like, she literally thinks I'm a little weenie. And I proved to be just that when I splooged all over the carpet. Okay.

Fucking little weenie. Girls are not as picky as dudes are. Dudes would be like, oh, I don't like her hip to waist ratio. Or, oh, her eyebrows. Or, oh, her pussy was like slightly not wet enough. wet enough no girls we just fall for the energy of you and like we will improve your dick game yeah and also like like you said it's almost kind of like a compliment if a guy like comes that fast before you even get to touch his dick exactly so i think it's really sad though but i think a lot of guys need to hear that like he probably was so mortified and especially because you're an athlete he's worried about his reputation and so he's like

i can't even go back to that huge mouth exactly he knows i'm gonna say it on a podcast years later that hundreds of millions of people listen to you're great you're great you're great like i still would fuck tucker tucker if you're out there. Yeah. There you go. See? And like that was your only impression of him. Let's talk about flirting strategies. Oh my God. I love. Because I kind of like going back to basics sometime on this show. Like I think that we can talk about five sims and cuck holding and we can talk about like

fucking 17 other people in one night. But flirting is probably like my favorite thing to do in the world it's the only thing that brings me joy in life it's the only thing it's the one thing that i hold sacred okay so let's talk about like what would you if you could give you my classic approach go okay so this is bar scene this is what you do at a bar i forget what it's like but this is what i did i know tbt and this strategy you will always know that if he wants to fuck you he will talk to you with this strategy okay and if he's not into you it won't work and that's okay because you're moving on to the next one moving on so you're at a bar you see the hot guy we know within a second if you are attracted to him yes so the first thing you do if he's talking to his friends you walk by and you talk to his less attractive friend boom brilliant so you'll

say because it's so much easier to approach and you ignore him you don't make eye contact you're very friendly you're calm you walk up let's say he has like a yankees hat on you just go ew yankees like say something to get a reaction yeah because the fact you're saying is so I'm very like observant say something specific to them that's why things don't work when you're like oh do you go where often it works with anyone find like he has a weird tie and I go oh I like the color blue on you just say it and let him react have a little fun and then get out of there get out you're just this is a long game you guys but i don't i have time we go to a bar i have oh and it's fun you're doing it with multiple people too oh yes i am a um no

this is brilliant i'm a mental terrorist too this is great we infiltrate then we get out make them sweat so the guy so now you guys are friends yes so now like you'll walk by and you see that guy do a little point like hey that's my friend yeah and at the point he might be thinking like this you want to fuck me it doesn't matter you don't yeah and that's his problem that's absolutely his fault so then you're gonna go up again and you're gonna talk again and the guy is finally if he's into you is gonna be like why is this girl talking to all my friends but me you're gonna talk to his other friend you're in the group now and you're fucking ignoring him. And at that moment, if he's into you,

he will say what's up. He, we can just pause so everyone can take notes. Hannah. It's a methodical process. Word for word, move for move. It's brilliant.

Someone told me that it's somehow written in this book, like the game that guys use, but I just subconsciously started doing it. It's if you don't give the guy attention that you want to fuck it will bother the fucking shit out of him if he's attracted to you you're so right he will say something the next time and be so warm with his friends like you're fucking exchanging numbers yes you're like guys and he's like he starts to be like i'm over here something tomorrow and he's over here like so you haven't even made eye contact

with me like do you even notice i'm here and guys want to chase but guys are not gonna chase when you're with your friends at the bar to have your own fun you have to put it out there it's like a first kiss you got to give them a little opening yes and also with flirting i go two ways i have the negging where i'm like a bitch okay yeah but like a bitch in a very if you you can say something as mean as you want as long as it's in your sexy voice but the other end is being overly complimentary with dead eyes okay so you literally go wow i think i'm in love with you and he's like and he doesn't get it he's like because obviously you're not you look like you want to kill me but like i'm glad you're saying that like you literally go yeah you're so handsome oh my god you're so handsome and but he's like is she being sarcastic

yeah he doesn't know because if you actually like four dates in or like you're so handsome he's like oh he's like a feeling she's into yeah but if you come in with feelings and you he knows you're fucking with him he's so confused so he doesn't know what to do you also can turn the next second and be like i think i'm in love with your friend like just don't make sense be inconsistent and don't make sense i literally have in my notes flirting strategies and i have one bullet and it just says inconsistency that's literally my game to a fucking t and i'm so happy i have someone sitting here worthy of the daddy gang bitch you get the game you get it no but it's it's refreshing because i think a lot of women listening you're like i how do i even go up how do i even approach and what hannah's saying is like

men are at a bar to meet women women are at a bar to meet men unless you're a lesbian or gay totally fine then you're going there to meet men women whatever fuck so you going up to a group of men if you are in their eyes the slightest bit attractive you can literally go up there like hannah said and be like oh nice yankees hat fuck you and then like go to the bar and then like he's like staring at you like wait who is this bitch and then you go back to your group of friends and he sees you with like six girls five girls two girls yourself who fucking cares and then all of a sudden you're on their radar men want to talk to women at a bar so if you go up and if you're the one that i love initiating with a man i fucking love it because it gives you the power it's so it's so good and i think one of my lines the power that you give you can easily take away so you're not like putting

yourself out there like crazy no and guys i'm sorry you're not like if you get rejected no literally if you get rejected okay who cares who cares one thing the daddy gang needs to remember because you have a lot of empowering stuff to keep girls like not getting distracted by boys like staying focused on their shit you don't actually like him no like i'm gonna put this back to the beginning is when you're like why would it be inconsistent i want him to get to know me because you don't like, you don't put in that effort until like months in when you actually do like him. So many times we get hung up on these guys when it's like, you don't like him. You don't even know who he is.

You literally met him once. He's standing over at the bar. You like the way he looks, but you projected his entire life onto him. You don't know that he's a secret family and he's going to put you in therapy for four years. He has a girlfriend. Okay. like it's so fucking true i think that my i think my flirting strategy it depends like i go the sarcastic route a lot yeah same and i love to make men feel insecure but you have to do it very delicately to not fully crush them that they're

like okay i can't handle this girl but i kind of like to mentally manipulate and like i'll be like hanging out with him and if it's towards the end of the night or if it's on like our third date or something i'm constantly dropping the line of just being like oh my god you need to relax like stop falling in love and when you verbally tell a man no you're stop it you're falling in love and you need to relax. Like stop falling in love. And when you verbally tell a man, no, you're stop it. You're falling in love and you need to like relax. He starts to be like, no, no, I'm not. What are you talking about?

And then it puts in his mind and then you are making fun of him for falling in love. And he wasn't even thinking that. But now he's insecure because like, no, I'm not. No, I'm not. I'm not falling in love. You are such a sick fuck. Sick. But it works because I've done that to almost every guy I've ever dated.

And then all of a sudden they're always telling me they're in love because your brain cannot register non-negatives so they just heard love love thank you and then they're like oh okay i also think physical touch if you at some point when you meet this man if you just make physical contact right off the bat with a guy he's going to love that feeling your touch for like two seconds he's like oh fuck this bitch is like in my fucking space don't be aggressive to the point where he's like i'm uncomfortable where he's like please stop cupping my my dick he's like so um my testicles hurt he's like ow like oh my dick stop yeah don't overdo it like don't put your hand up his shirt no don't fucking don't touch his hair

actually what oh god what i have to do when first after quarantine i was around some guys and i was like so horny out of my mind yes and one of the guys was cute and he was being really shy and he was talking to me and then i go can i smell your hair and he thought it was so i was like can i smell your hair he goes okay and i go oh yeah that's good and he thought it was the funniest thing ever and he never forgot that I did that. He fell in love with me after that. Won't stop texting me. Turns out not into it.

However, however, however it worked. Like don't be afraid to do weird shit and be confident about it. This is the thing. I'm going to go ahead and say, do it, but don't do it. You are no, no. You're a type of girl that you're confident and you're like weirdness works and like i definitely could do that to a guy and it would work but then there are the girls that are like way more reserved and on the normal track yes and if you're like can i smell your hair and the whole

night you have been a pretty corporate ass bitch he's gonna be like so this bitch is out of her fucking mind he saw it coming with me he knew i was gonna say something weird sarcastic we laugh okay commercial i'm actually about to um possibly shoot another season of summer house congratulations and when you have guys you're talking to right before the show it's so hard because you have to be like oh we just met but would you film or wait so you're okay wait you're getting quarantined in a house for six weeks possibly and no new men can come in that's what we don't know and i hadn't been fucked since december because your girl did not know there was going to be a quarantine i would have prepared i would have backed it up i

would have had meetings meetings right right right but i just got dicked out will you tell us about it yeah i actually had the hottest day wait that's amazing that's i think that we're both in good moods because we both just had dick appointments we're glowing tell me about it so he's older he's 44 i am wet wait that i'm not kidding you that age to me just something does it right because it's like you're not going to be like fully like you're not going to marry this man maybe you will but for right now all that screams to me is good sex well these 20 year old guys are squirrel brains and also they're only as good as fucking as their last ex-girlfriend oh and she's a fucking dick she doesn't know what's happening because yes she's been fucking you right right she's been fucking you i know what the difference is okay

guys in their 20s are like scared they're like i don't want to come i don't want to disappoint her i don't guys in their 40s are like i've seen too many tits in my life let's fucking go literally desensitized he's like just going into actually have good fucking yeah guys in their 20s like girls can smell fear if even if you're gonna come in two seconds i want you to be confident about it i want to be like the single best fast nut you're ever gonna get literally literally like slap in the face and be like get ready bitch 30 seconds like fucking come immediately and then turn me over and start licking my pussy yes yes but the guys are like i look up i'm like jared you're quaking up there are you okay he's like i'm gonna come i love this name is jared jared i've never fucked a jared also i'm gonna go into the 44 story yes so we

weren't sure if we should do the kissing thing because of the pandemic. Oh, yes. However, he was tested. I knew I was good. Okay. We were like on the beach and we kissed. And the oldest guy I've ever kissed was 36. So I was afraid.

I was attracted to him, but I was like, what if I kiss him? And it feels like I'm kissing my like creepy older uncle. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like you're wondering what's going to happen. Is it going to be sparks or is it going to be like gonna be like terror yeah yeah but I was I was into it and then we started kissing and then he was like let's go take a shower and there was like an outdoor shower and shower sex is difficult I once tried anal when I was 19 in the shower which was

one of the biggest regrets of my life I was gonna say are you okay I'm not no you've never recovered me either I've literally hated I've never tried anal since me either okay great we're victims we literally have fucking post-traumatic stress you're gonna fuck in the shower first of all get a good temperature it's hard but it's hard but then get away from the shower yes get it just like there's a little shower hitting you but you're like we don't need to be getting water boarded while we're fucking it's not it's not the move like i don't want to be like and i'm not like guzzling on your dick i'm guzzling because there's like water filtrating down my fucking i'm like i can't breathe but like yeah

keep fucking me dude so yes i agree bends me over and we start having sex but your girl's 28 your girl has played tennis for a long time the joints the joints and you know like when you try to perk your butt yes pack the butt pack the booty pack the booty and you're perked up and then lower back it starts hitting weird and then i turn to him i just go sit down yes because there was a little place for like conditioner and shampoo i said sit down he's like where i'm like just sit oh just fucking sit no i'm just kidding i didn't say fucking but i should you should have like i like to be unassumingly bossy like you don't have to be like complete dominatrix or like complete like oh, like, oh, help me, I'm a victim.

Be in between. Be, like, taking it and then be, like, hey, sit down. I sat down. And then I took my tennis quadzilla legs and I went up and down on his dick. I pushed myself past that level of. You're burning. I'm burning. You're like, I pulled my quad.

But here we go. It's worth it. Get that nut, bitch. Get that nut. Here we go. Here we go here we go oh my god it was so much fun and then he because i don't know if he's 44 and like i don't know he just wasn't coming and he knew what to do to like not come and then he was in a good way and he was like let's finish this in my bed and then and then it was yeah and then it was game over and then it's game so do you think this is like some of the best sex you've had i hate to say that because it gives him power but yes but yes because yeah he was just he was so focused on me dude now i want to fuck a 44 year old this is bad

um he has great skin because he moisturizes he told me oh my god i wonder what he moisturizes with i don't know swipe up swipe up let's go sponsor um we okay first and foremost i want to give you a big fat kudos because i always tell the daddy gang if you can squat on a man's dick it is not easy you have to push through it is fucking hard out there in the street you're gonna feel a burn you're gonna feel but you've all had chlamydia before anyway exactly keep going keep going um no it's so true like when you can take a shot and you can handle that burn you can squat on you can squat on the dick and listen bitches it's not easy and i think the worst part sometimes is like i gotta be in the mood because i know once i get

up there the the level of how much you want to squat on his dick you're ready to be done after like five six fucking up and downs. Like you're like, damn, my quads are done. However, we aren't no bitch. Like we are the daddy gang. Like we fucking fuck like we're going to fuck the living shit out of his dick. So I black out every time I'm on top that I am squatting. I don't know if that's healthy, but yeah.

I don't think it is. And great results though. And that's what we came for. The great result. We get the W in this game. So girls, you can slow down. That is when it's the hottest what you do you're going and then you stop and do like a little circular thing like you're like grinding on him in the club slow fucking mo he thinks that you're like being so fucking sexy when in your head you're just like

three two one okay dude literally okay wait this is good advice for the daddy gang because i think they love this shit girls we've always said when you're when you are riding dick you don't have to be with your feet on the ground you can do your knees but then i think you kind of see a man's soul leave his body the minute i always will like get up and put my feet on the bed and i go in the squat position a man is like oh fuck oh fuck do you ever feel awkward like a frog yes but i also know like no my pussy is right in his face and like my tits are here and like let's just roll with it yeah i think you got to just not think about what you look like because what i know is when i i watch as i get in that position i always watch the man's face because every fucking time he's like jesus fucking christ it's funny when you feel insecure about yourself yeah get your head out of your own shit because that's

you look at his shit because this shit is telling you everything everything because you can ruin it for yourself literally i don't like myself i don't like myself but then you look at him and he his eyes are in the back of his head yeah he can't even think straight so but daddy gang i recently i guess it depends like if i'm being a little lazier what I have done and I do think it's almost just as hot is I keep one knee on the mattress and then I put my my left leg usually I don't know how it's my left but my left leg and I put that like it's about to get in the squat position and then I will kind of lean backwards a tiny bit and like put my hand in between his legs and lean back and go up and down.

Or then you can lean forward and take your hand out and put it on his like chest stomach and use it almost like you're pushing up off his chest to go up and down on his dick. This recently has been something I've discovered and it's been working. That's an amazing tip, guys. Write that down. Write it down because it also saves your legs. And if you want you could kind of almost switch them out maybe you guys don't go to the fucking gym okay neither go on his dick and do one knee down one leg up you and then switch if you get sore yeah exactly and then

and just like rub your clit while you're doing a transition so he's when in doubt just rub your clit even if you fucking trip over yourself and you're on the floor rub your clit oh fuck and he's like oh my god that's so hot like literally so hot okay rub the clit when in doubt rub the clit no that's honestly like kind of the best advice i think when will a guy be like why are you doing that when in doubt rub the clit he's gonna be like oh wow that's really hot like you forget to text him back because you're fucking his friend just send him a video of rubbing your clit dude that's actually really good do you have a type i was gonna ask my type is like athletic great sense of humor but i'm trying to figure out do i want the party boy or the mute guy

because i'm either the one who like i'll have a conversation and then i'm like was that good because i crushed that conversation because i'm just good i was entertaining myself so much i was having the time of my life he didn't get a word in but i honestly such a good time i had a great time or is it do i like the party guy who's kind of like me and we have the same personality but we step on each other's light they say in relationships now we're getting into metaphors that there should be a gardener and a flower what the fuck listen to go off bitch whoa whoa whoa i love this shit okay did you read this from your psychic i i don't know where i read it but definitely wasn't anywhere legit okay perfect but let's go with it so these

are facts so the gardener is the one who's like hold shit down who's calming who and then the the flower is us who's like shooting up blooming doing crazy shit and the gardener loves being the gardener and the flower needs the gardener and the gardener needs the flower it's also holy shit i actually broke up with one of my exes who i've been referring to who had some fame oh i was watching a dr dre documentary who's dr dre is like epic so successful killing the rap game killing production whatever like he does everything so his wife goes on and she goes i'm the rock and he's the balloon and she's like and that's how this functions like i she's like he would be nothing without me because i hold down hold it down and i'm watching and i go i'm not a fucking rock i am not a fucking rock i ain't no

fucking pebble no i am air balloon up in this motherfucker and i am out and about and he's gonna try to keep reeling the rope in like like literally reeling fucking in. I'm a hot air balloon with helium going fucking everywhere. Dude, yeah. I like this. Okay, I have so many thoughts right now. Okay, first and foremost about the rock comment. Yes. And I think we're both saying we're the balloon and we need a man that's a rock.

Yeah. I think when my mother told me she knew that door number three was the man when he met my parents. He's one of the first guys that only met my parents he's the one of the first guys that only met my parents and i was so terrified for them to meet him it was like a family christmas party thing and we are leaving and my mom's a psychologist so this bitch is reads people like a fucking book and we're leaving we're gonna go to like a bar after dinner and i guess he was talking to her and she later told me she was like alex he's the one and i'm like okay mom no fucking pressure by the way i broke up with him because he told me he loved me

and she was like what the fuck but my mom was like i knew he was the one and to this day this is like five years later still says it because she was like i looked at him and i said what are you guys gonna do and he looked at my mom and was like mrs cooper it's her show i'm just living it and but in the most like supportive like yes that that bitch runs the show he knew what he signed up yes he's like i she was ready yeah do it yes and this man is big in his own right and and my mom was like alex you are not gonna find a lot of men that are so confident in themselves that can be like i love that bitch let that bitch go and i'm right because that's how your family is like my family's like yeah hannah's fucking crazy yes it's her show we're living and we support her whatever we have our own lives but like that's

our hannah that's our crazy that's our alexa yes that's i don't want a guy to that's also what's hard when like this is my thing are you afraid that this guy's the one and because you're like taking your time that like he'll meet someone or you'll meet someone. Like, are you afraid you'll lose each other? Or do you think that your energies are meant for each other? And regardless of whatever fucked up shit happens, you will connect.

Putting me on the spot here. She told me she wanted me to ask her some questions and now she's regretting it. Whoa. I think that in my life right now, I, I am not at all concerned about him meeting another me. No one will ever fucking be what I am to him.

I already fucking know it. I just thought it was kind of hot. I know. I know it's, and I know it's like very aggressive in like being like that. So why are you scared to start your life together? Because I, I'm too,

like I'm too young and he has his career girl. You're going to blink and you're going to be 32. I know. I know. And listen, you're going to blink and you're going to be 32. I know. Fuck. I know. And listen, trust me. You're like, I'm a child bride. I'm like, you guys stop.

Like, no, I really. No, you're right. You just know that once you start, that's the end all. I understand that. And we both have said that. Like, he's like, listen, now I'm not ready either. You're not ready. Also, if you're dating him, you might.

I hate this, girls. Whatever you do do never let a guy distract you so like you might have not been on the come up with this podcast if you were like watching netflix with him i love you babe and he no i i agree um when's the last time you were in love oh my god have you ever been in love alex i've been numb for like two years because i i dated this like guy who really fucked you up, fucks me up, which I think was so helpful because after that happened, I had to like build myself up.

Like my body was telling me to get out. Like I couldn't eat. And I, girl, I always eat. And I was having like little heart palpitations. I got out and then I had to realize, Hannah, why did you end up with a guy like that? Why did you want that? Why, what are you trying to like overcompensate for? Why are you, up with a guy like that why did you want that why what are you trying

to like overcompensate for why are you I always love dating like hot successful guys to show off yes like I'm like a dude where I like want oh literally boy candy yeah boy candy that's me I love boy candy I'm in therapy for that right now I know literally what you're describing right now I'm like that was one of my relationships and I was like how did I get into a relationship with a narcissist yeah and they say if you're a sensitive person which like i think we both are that they latch on to you and i think that once i realized that basically my only goal was to be myself again and then instead of being like i want to be a superstar i want to marry this all i want to do is wake up and not be depressed dude that's some deep shit and once i just had

that goal like shit started to align for me and then i got on call her daddy and then i was like my life is amazing dude no that is some deep shit like people talk about going through breakups and like when you're in a relationship with someone that is a narcissist and like you get so fucked up running in circles trying to figure out how to make it work why is it not working how do i do and i started to question like oh i just have to be funnier i just have to be smarter i'm more successful and then you start questioning like am i being myself and i got in my own anxiety spirals of like am i sabotaging this you change yourself so i got the fuck out it took a couple months to get out of that like dark place the dark passenger the under whatever underbelly

so that's why i've been kind of numb where it's like i'm focusing on my career and i'm just scared it's like getting in a car crash and getting in a car again yeah so i i do these like six month things where i don't want to date them yeah so it's like you never even throw it out there. Like, are we dating? It's just like naturally you keep seeing them. And then it's like six months and then I get bored and then it's over. And but also I don't like random fucking. I don't need to be dating you, but I want to know that you have emotion for me.

Yeah. And you like me because last time I randomly fucked a lacrosse player. I got chlamydia. See, that's the kind of shit we don't need around here. We don't need it. I can handle it. Just a pill. But like, we don't need it. We don't need chlamydia see that's the kind of shit we don't need around here we don't need it i i i can handle it just a pill but like we don't need it we don't need chlamydia when i the first time i got chlamydia i was actually the first everyone gets it by the way we're normalizing chlamydia no it was literally um it was the first time i ever like kind of fucked a random dude it

was in college he was this he didn't go to my college he was older and i was like fuck it like i want to be adventurous i'm gonna go fuck him so i fucked him and then i went to hook up with door number three and i went and got tested and i had chlamydia and i knew door number three did not give it to me and i realized it was the skanky ass fucking loser that i fucked in boston and then i blamed it on door number three and he like was like okay i'm so sorry and i was you gave me fucking chlamydia meanwhile i knew i gave him chlamydia so i always turn around on like, you gave me fucking chlamydia. Meanwhile, I knew I gave him chlamydia. So I always turn around on them. Never admit to giving someone chlamydia. But when I got it, I said, hello.

You'd be so bad with COVID. It was so bad. Oh my God. I'm like, stop giving me COVID. You literally gave it to me. I've been quarantining by myself. Like, what the fuck? So, but when you get chlamydia,

it's fine, guys. You just take a pill. It's okay. Everyone gets it. Everyone gets it. Totally fine. No, but you don't know where he's been. Use a condom

but condom sex sucks so find a guy that you fuck i'm gonna get cut off the air my mom's like why can't you tell people to use condoms alex and i'm like it i i can't it won't come out of my mouth sat me down and was like hannah do you use condoms and i was like what do you want me to say you want me to tell you what you want to hear basically goes hannah if you're not waiting to have sex for marriage obviously so maybe like wait to get exclusive with the condom like use the condom against them oh and i was like that's genius if i had self-control fuck it it's it's so bad and and listen i'm gonna give one condom piece of advice which a guy did to me recently which was so fucking hot okay so you know the moment there's like should we use a condom everything gets awkward you don't know how to put a condom on

so you're like i hope he doesn't ask me right and then like i don't even know what that thing does but sure like do i even want to do this like do you even like his dick like do i do i look good do i have to fart i'm gonna feel rubbery in there yeah i don't like it the whole thing but then he this guy literally like took my hips put my face i mean put my put my vagina on his face like i sat on his face and was like riding him while he took both his hands and was putting the condom on while i'm riding his face and then the second like i got like really wet he just put me on the condom and it was like the hottest smoothest condom ever men you need to do this because that stop with the awkward like watch me put the condom on no literally and it's like here i go i'm gonna get fucked by a dolphin like it's so rubbery and

it's gross and i want to get fucked by tupperware literally wait that's actually kind of amazing because i feel like that would make my vagina less dry if i saw if i didn't see the condom process that's why i always come before sex i'm like do you want me to be wet and it'll feel so good oh okay wait tell us about that is that can you quickly describe your sex life to us like what are you like what do i do yeah okay so i like to tie him up okay yes fuck you sit there bitch watch me twirl on your dick i like to kiss and then i love to kiss i love to kiss making out is so underrated i I like to tease a little. I like to, I'm bossy. I like that. I like to be like, but like not an annoying bossy, just like, hey, this is facts.

Yeah. You don't know what's going on. I'll tell you how to work my body. Right. And then I like being fingered. I think fingering 2020, I love it so much. Why don't guys finger more? Maybe because it's harder.

Maybe, but like, I wish you would. If you're listening out there, anyone, finger me. Yeah. I think people, I love that everyone wants guys to go down them now but a lot of girls like need like it's more stimulation when it's like the finger especially when you don't know what you're doing with your tongue and also any guy that's like you just do the abcdfg that's not how you make a girl come going down on her stop it please stop doing that please i can actually feel when you're going to the c i'm like oh here comes the d and i'm like jesus christ he really like oh he just skipped to f so he's literally the dumbest piece of shit ever can't even do the alphabet dude i you can like tell when guys are in their heads down there i'm

like just i would rather you go down there and hold so bad as empathic people like me and you i can sense when you're stressed and like but i don't want him watching my face while he's fingering me. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm like, I don't want this to happen. Please look away. Look away! So sometimes I'll just, like, put my hand over my mouth, like, as if I'm so turned on. Okay, yeah. Or if you, I guess you could, like, make out or, like, throw your head back, et cetera.

What I like is I like him to then, like, kind of suck on my left nipple because my right one is not as sensitive. Oh, to direct him to the left? But guys like that. Yeah, they like, I like being like, this is how my body works. Like, just my left one turns me on. They're all like, oh, and then I'll, like, test them later, and they feel, like, accomplished.

It's the little things. Men are simple. Wait, that's really interesting that you tell them a specific nipple. Yeah, because one of them is just way more sensitive. So they'll be, like, sucking on the nipple, fingering me. That's good. And if I can get it right, then I have trust. And then after that, then I go, go inside me.

So it's like, I literally go the second I that then i go go inside me and so it's like i literally go the second i come like then go inside me that's very fascinating commercial can i tell you my um former professional athlete story oh my god this is my like daddy gang story oh my god second you asked me i was like okay it's time to bring this baby out okay i'm excited let's go okay let's go so he's a former. I like former football players because they're not traveling anymore. They're not like as cool as they were. They have their money and they lost a shit ton of weight because they're not eating like tons of calories.

So they're like slimmed down football players. Okay. I've, I really rarely ever hook up with football players. I highly recommend a tight end. Okay. A tight end. I'll write that down. Tight ends are great. putting that in my notes so this guy he had like light blue eyes like six six

check check um now i miss a lot of red flags when a guy is tall and we're gonna go through what i missed and then what happened because of it okay so buckle up buckle gang. We're buckled. Let's go. Everybody, let's go. Buckle in. Woo! Oh, my God. So first, the back and forth is very quick. How did you meet him? Hinge. Got it.

So like two messages, and he's like, it's football Sunday. Let's watch football at a bar. Love that. So when they don't take a while to like at least see your personality, that means they don't care. Right. At all. So, but I was like, he's tall.

Yes, let's go. Let's go. So we go to the place and it's like kind of a little too nice and there's like no one there but my stuck-up ass is like oh he thought of a nice place to like me bougie he wanted to sit down with me that's why i like it no it's literally right by his apartment oh so now we know you're like baby you're so spoiling me he's like i just wanted to do this so i didn't have to put on my good shoes these are slippers i'm wearing i got out of bed rolled out of bed trying to get my nut bitch shut up okay keep going so we're sitting there and it starts off where i noticed

he kind of laughed a little too long you know when like the laugh's done and they keep laughing and you're like do i have to start another laugh right you're like whoa what are you doing and you're just watching him laugh at you and you're like yeah you're like okay it's not that funny i know i'm funny but i'm not that funny stop then he was like bragging about how his parents had two tennis courts in the hamptons and i was like no one needs two tennis courts that's fucking weird and i'm yeah that's weird then he asked me if i party he just said do you party let's do party and i'm like kind of an idiot like as a former athlete like i didn't do drugs right i don't know about you but like i can't do cocaine or i'll blow my brains out no yeah so i had never done i had like smoked weed in high school and then in college i

literally couldn't do drugs so i would just drink alcohol and then for the first time i ever did coke when i like got out of college because i was like oh my god and i even told my parents i'm like mom and dad i want to do cocaine at one point in my life and they're like okay alex that's really good that you're telling us this and i did it and i was like i'm such a hyperactive person like i don't even need it so i don't really do it no good yeah unless sometimes it's there and then one time i did accidentally do it and it was ketamine and it was like the worst situation my entire life i'll tell you guys that story another time another time another time here on the k stories okay keep going so he's basically like not really like i i drink alcohol but I'm not really into drugs.

And he goes, you know, I used to be, but now I'm good. And I was like, okay. I don't know why you need to tell me that. Good chat. He's like, I'm good. So he's hot enough that if a date's going well, I have a friend who works at Brother Jimmy's. Okay, what's that? It's like a Friday bar.

Okay. But she's bartending. So I liked if it's going well, be like, let's go to another spot. And then she'll give us drinks. And she'll tell me if i should like them or not because wait that's so fun i want to do that next time i like go out like she literally will be like or she'll be like yeah wait that's so fun okay i love that okay i want to go there with you one day yeah let's go when it opens when things are okay oh it's so sad so i was like let's go and he goes wait one sec i need to charge my jewel so we're at red flag number 17 at this point.

You're like falling. I would fall off the chair. Backflip. I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. But I think that my grandma just died. And he's like, I'm pretty sure I saw on your Instagram. Your grandma's already dead. I'm like, she just died again.

I got to go. Fuck. Literally like what? Jewel came back to haunt me and then killed herself when she saw you. Killed herself when she saw you in a fucking jewel, you piece shit but again he's like gorgeous so like whatever athlete so i'm like pretending you didn't hear that he's a jewel yeah so he goes let's go to my part and i go where is it and he goes oh it's it's on this block and i go oh my god i'm so stupid i feel like it's all making sense it's all making sense so we go upstairs and he has exposed brick and if you know me you know that if you've

exposed brick i will fuck you you're ready to fuck i'm ready to fuck you're literally naked he turns around but he's naked hello you're like sorry i saw the exposed brick that means i get naked that means i expose my labia lips right now let's go let's fuck on the break then he like went in for the kiss but he did it in this fuck boyish way where he didn't make eye contact before like the whole fun of the kiss is like make eye contact. A little like Will Smith, like 90, 10 thing. I don't know. There's like a rule.

Yeah. But then he picked me up. Oh fuck. And he's tall and he's like, I know. I felt like a little dainty flower. Oh my God. When they do that, I love being picked up. Cause you can tell sometimes when a guy picks you up and he can't handle it.

And you're like, I know I'm not fat, but like, I feel as though I, you know. I'm sturdy. I'm sturdy. No, literally. And then you want to be like, you want to give him the out and be like, no, no, you can put me down. But when the man can pick you up and you literally feel like you're his tote bag, you're like, this fits right.

I'm like his key chain. His key chain. And he tosses me on the couch and he continues kissing me. And then he pulls up my shirt and he goes hold on one second and this is like sunday at 8 p.m like football sunday okay walks away comes back lowers his head and snorts a line of cocaine off my tit now alex this is sunday at 8 this is shark tank watching time like i want to see mr wonderful tell some 12 year old that her granola recipe shit like that's what i want to do on sunday i don't need a dude snorting cocaine off my tit after telling me he doesn't party party so i'm immediately like uh and he like tries to

kiss me i'm like i'm not i'm not trying to do this so immediately we're like what just happened then he goes oh i just want you so bad i just want oh i want to dominate you that's disgusting and shit starts turning and then he goes um i want to show you something so this becomes like horror movie shit where you're like don't walk don't walk towards it you're like i'm gonna die and i'm like he's tall let's go so i'm following him into this closet i'm like biting my nails during the story i'm like nervous for you pulls out a box full of like chains whips fuck handcuffs and he's like this is what i'm gonna do to you and i go check fucking please get the fuck out finally i'm like you know what i i my grandma died again no grandma's dead round two it's crazy she keeps coming back there's a whole situation going on i

don't know why they keep bringing back to life now what the wait what the fuck did you say so i just i'm this is hard when you're like a sarcastic person to suddenly go serious but i just was like you know what i need to see my friend i'm so sorry like i gotta go and i i i left and it's one of those things where you're like i really hope this guy doesn't text me like i hope that he's not how weird could he get literally and some people might have been into that so i'm not saying he was like a psycho but like i wasn't giving him vibes no and you had never hung out before and he had literally told you he doesn't party and then all of a sudden he's doing a line off your tits and then you're kind of like so are you a compulsive liar or like why the fuck or and especially it would have been one thing if you had been like yeah i party because maybe he

would have gotten the vibe all right fine i'm in a party with this girl but you said you don't so what in his brain his fucked up brain you know what it is called professional athlete cte brain no literally because you know how many girls he brings there and then they're just like he's a professional athlete do whatever the fuck you want literally so then to me he's like doing that to me and i'm like i don't need to be tortured by you tonight nope no not end of story oh fuck next day it's monday i go to the office back in those days and i turn on my computer 9 a.m and I get a text from him. I'm like, fuck. And I open it up and it's a porn website. And this guy clearly has no idea of like accurate things to do at the right time. So I'm immediately like looking around.

I delete it. I'm like, what the fuck? Ten minutes later, he texts me again and he goes, sorry, wrong person. Wait, no. No, this is someone that's just like literally mentally like not there no no wait i'm trying to think of what i would have done in this situation like maybe posted it on my instagram story because i'm like someone just live in this with me like live in this nightmare what is wrong no that is why i don't date football players because i'm like they're

brain damaged and i i mean I know that's so mean. He's definitely brain damaged. I'm sorry. And I want to just raise awareness that all these girls who are like, I want to fuck a professional athlete. Maybe you want to fuck them. And some of them aren't even that good in the bed. So like, so it's kind of like, what are we doing here?

That's the worst when you're like so excited to fuck him. And then you're like, who let you do this? No. Why are you so bad at fucking no literally some of them i'm like because these good-looking guys or these professional athlete guys never had a girl look at them and go honey honey you're doing it wrong no that doesn't feel good i didn't come that's why maybe some of these like finance bros on hinge we can consider dude i'm not kidding you like with like below average i i agree with you i just need to like wrap my brain around that it's

gonna take me a minute but well you're going to end with door three anyway. So have fun in the meantime. Right. And do shit for the story. That's what I was thinking. Just really put my vagina out there for the podcast. Yes. Stay up in the charts.

That just seems really normal to me. But I think that your experience. That is. You've been speechless. No. Have I. Have we gone too long. I don't know. What is it it's 4 30 we killed it Hannah any last words I thank you so much for coming on I literally am so happy that I feel like this went by in a second me too I feel like we could keep talking for hours I know

but maybe you'll date this 44 year old man maybe not keep you posted do your parents know yeah today my dad just jokes he's like have you checked his blood pressure like what'd you do with his wheelchair he's gonna conk out soon like we gotta just keep an eye on him hannah once it's curfew we bring you toys to play with oh my god because how much older than 28 46 okay all right i actually think that's a good age that's good they're like he might die early and i'm like well i'll be an independent owner of his estate and we love that take all of his fucking money everything he's worth take it yeah hannah i love you i love you everyone go listen to her podcast plug yourself what's your instagram my instagram is being burns b-e-i-n-g b-e-r-n-z and then and then that's

twitter too then burning in hell is my mental health comedy podcast i'd love to have alex on i definitely need to there's a lot more we have to delve into oh yeah and watch summer house on bravo dude i'm not kidding you like it's addicting guys i've been shit like i went through all of quarantine and did all four seasons five seasons four seasons four seasons and it's fucking amazing it's really good thank you so much father love you guys and a last word from your father, daddy gang, to all the silent sufferers. Go fuck yourselves. There will be no questions. No, nope, not fucking happening this week.

Guys, there's no questions of the week this week because we ran out of time. But Hannah actually stayed in the studio and I convinced her to do questions of the week with me so I will be giving you our answers to a bunch of your questions at the end of next week's episode so silent sufferers you can relax take a deep breath but I will be coming for you next fucking week I also have a shit ton of updates coming your fucking way. I have a little surprise. I'm going on a little trip. And there's a lot happening.

So stay tuned for next week, Daddy Gang. It's going to get fucking wild. It's always fucking wild here. I love you guys. You know the fucking drill. I will see you fuckers next Wednesday