Call Her Daddy - 98- The Red Wedding (ft. Lauren & Hannah Berner)

Episode Date: October 7, 2020

Welcome to The Red Wedding Mother FUCKERS. Alex is joined by childhood best friend, Lauren, to exploit the recent drama that she has been involved in with her ex- Slim Shady, his best friend who is getting married next week, and his current side hoe. Lots and lots of drama, which ends in Alex potentially attending a wedding? Then, Hannah Berner joins Alex to discuss an update on both of their dating lives. Hannah has a 44 year old boyfriend who she has fallen in love with and moved in with?!?! What has quarantine done to us! The women also detail the dirty FaceTime sex they have been having with their men, the perfect toilet angle for the p*ssy(?!), discuss the ass eating they are loving, and the angles that make your asshole look fabulous. ALSO, Hannah explains a strange phenomenon she is experiencing that includes only being able to have an orgasm when her legs are straight. ENJOY DADDY GANG!!!

do you call him daddy do i call her daddy call her daddy what the fuck is up daddy gang it is your founding father back at it again for another episode of Call Her Daddy. I have a roommate here with me tonight. Yes, I'm recording this at night. I'm feeling a little wild child. I don't usually drink, but tonight's intro is really going to have to be one that I'm a little intoxicated for. Lauren, thank you for coming back.

Thank you for having me back. The last time you were here was episode three when I came back from the funeral episode. Yeah, in my mind, that's just like the depths of Corona. That, oh my God, we were so dark. It was dark. Deep, dark, your parents' basement. So now you're back.

The Daddy Gang missed you. It's okay. I'm back. I'm living on your couch. Lauren is literally living on my couch's okay. I'm back. I'm living on your couch. Lauren is literally living on my couch currently. Details to come, but she's living on my couch. How do you like it? Well, I can't complain because your $12,000 couch is more than I would pay for an entire

year in rent. So you're like, you're feeling lux. Yeah. Did you find the cum stain yet? Or are you feeling okay living on the couch? No, I like put a blanket down and I sleep on top of it. So like as well guys lauren is just like listen i know what's going on on this couch but like i'm just like thankful to be here i'm thankful to have you here um i've invited lauren to like sleep in my bed multiple times the amount of facetime sex this woman is having on like a

nightly basis with her boyfriend i'm like it's okay wait you just called him my boyfriend oh i said boyfriend boyfriend no no boyfriend no no listen like i don't even know are you having facetime sex with the same it's the same guy i think that listen he's not my boyfriend but i definitely since you've been here i've been talking to one of them more frequently but i think oh i know okay i know no because you're like friends with him yeah like we three three three way facetime every night which actually now i think back to you guys remember lauren's episode i just am remembering this now oh my gosh does he even realize what we're doing i'm sliding in already so that we can use me as a pawn later down the line no no but

we're being healthy this time guys if you guys remember last last time lauren was on we talked about how lauren is the perfect friend that when i get a boyfriend or a guy that i'm talking to seriously she infiltrates because she's like so naturally likable. Yes. Like the complete opposite of me. So nice. So genuine. So likable.

No games. And they sense that. So I sick Lauren on them. And then all of a sudden they're like, oh my God, Lauren, like we love you. And then you get close together. And then if I ever need you to infiltrate, like boom, I'm there for you'll sell my soul for you sell the soul this guy has been like wow i kind of like like you more after meeting lauren like if you're friends with a normal person like you can't be that psycho no it is kind of weird like daddy gang multiple times because we'll facetime all

the time he facetimes all the time all the all day i'm like really happy like that you have two floors which is really rare in new york because I feel like we need like a full floor behind us so like you can go up there at night and like get weird get weird yeah it's definitely gotten he's I've never had as much FaceTime sex and I'm gonna talk about it later on this episode because Hannah's coming in um I've never had so much FaceTime sex with this guy and I are having like great FaceTime sex which is great always love that on Call Her Daddy but I do on a real note on a real note this is like really healthy and i'm like really really happy and like i like really like this guy like if you guys break up like i'll take him okay lauren's like so i actually love him and like i'm liking him as a prospect no but

lauren and i've been talking about daddy gang and we're like he really is like he's got it all yeah like we're waiting to see like what's like five episodes are you gonna tell us you're engaged no what no Lauren and I were walking down the street this is disgusting it shouldn't go on call her daddy because I promise you guys I didn't like I don't have a boyfriend but Lauren is walking with me and she's like she dares hit me with this she goes is it kind of weird that like you may have like already met your husband I'm like Lauren get out of my face why are you saying this to me kick me off the curb and the traffic never happened right right right and then all of a sudden i'm like doing like psycho kind of crazy shit to him later that night and i'm like

it's probably because lauren just fucking hit me with the husband word and i'm feeling like i need to spice up anyways moral of the story is he it's health it's wellness it's fun and we're actually going on vacation all three of us all three can you imagine like it's me him and lauren um i'm going on vacation in two weeks daddy gang there's not going to be an episode of call her daddy on october 21st so i figured why not go and get fucked in a different country with my mask leave me for my birthday it's cool i'll get over it no it's fine i'm gonna get you multiple gifts don't worry thanks um in so we're talking about health and wellness let's let's bring it back a little bit little walk down memory lane you know a little walk down if you guys remember last week daddy gang i told

you that there was a story coming your fucking way a red wedding a red mother fucking wedding period blood everywhere juice up in this game disgusting i told you guys that slim shady was back and thankfully not truly back like in my sack in my life more so just like of course there's always drama with him and he's back and we're gonna walk you through what's going on because this really dates back to literally three years ago and why i have lauren on is because she's involved i lived this lived this with me and i think sometimes like i said last week it really is to the point it's like i i cannot make this shit up i'm here to fact check oh thank you you're welcome i'm live fact checking the debate here thank you this is a debate yeah here we go live debate yeah it can't be worse than the one

that we all watched the other night okay so let's walk through also everybody go vote please thank you love you all go vote back in the day i dated slim shady you all know that we're all like we're tired of the narrative that was the toxic old days the psychosis mimosis we get it but there was a character that i never introduced to the daddy gang back in those dark dark days drum roll please drum roll motherfucking please and lauren you said you know you have to come up with a name for him alex because we obviously can't say his name on this podcast so i'm gonna give him a name and at first you're all gonna be like okay that's stupid but once you hear our our whole debrief of who this

man is it will really be fitting i'm gonna i'm gonna call him what are you gonna call him i'm gonna call him fucking bozo the clown do i need to say the full name every time no just say Bozo got it okay because it kind of also sounds like his name anyway I agree yeah I'm like kind of sticking it to him so listen to me guys Bozo is basically Slim Shady's best friend so when I was dating Slim Shady this guy was around 24 7 he didn't live in New York with us but he would constantly fly up and visit us and how and I want to give you guys like a nice little bio of who Bozo is he essentially is what I used to refer to on this podcast as a vulture explain to me because I didn't listen to your podcast back in the day yeah Lauren never listened to old episodes but now ever since the single father era she's a great I'm a. Yeah, and she listens to every episode.

So what we describe the vulture as is like a guy or a girl, but usually it's men that have a famous friend or a rich ass friend. And they're the friend that just leeches on and is a vulture. And you go out to the club and you see like the rich dude. And then he always has that friend that's like not even that hot and like a fucking loser but he just gets girls inherently and he's so creepy but just because he's friends with the hot like celebrity guy like a different level than what a more than an entourage oh more than an entourage he's a full-blown dick rider like his identity is like ingrained ingrained slim dies tomorrow he dies tomorrow yes he is the definition of a guy that like if he's not going to the club with slim that night he'll walk up to the bouncer i love

i'm calling him slim slim shady he'll walk up to the bouncer and be like yeah i'm friends with blah blah blah like whip out his phone like here look at my instagram you can see all these pictures of us together we're like this let me in free bottle free table hook it up because i'll call him also there's something like fucked up about like a man doing that. I feel like girls could do that more easily because we're like known as moochies and we want to get bottles like a man like going up to a bouncer and be like, I'm friends with so and so. It's like, who are you?

A man, a 30 year old man. Dude, Daddy King, this man. OK, and mind you, Daddy King. Wait, what's his job? What does he do? See, this is a question. Enlighten me. This you daddy king wait what's his job what does he do see this is a question enlighten me this is a question what is his job lauren and i have been asking ourselves this since we met slim shady and him daddy king this will honestly wrap up the entire um explanation of who bozo is he works for lauren do you remember he works for his father's company so like daddy gang every weekend

this guy would be able to just fly to new york to visit slim shady and i because he works for his dad's company he doesn't actually have a real fucking job no like he just like works for the dad he rides his daddy's dick oh lauren coming with the so you guys get it he loves slim shady how does he feel about you so in the there go. So in the very beginning of this relationship, I became his best friend. Bozo and I would like pregame before we would go see Slim Shady. Classic Alex Cooper move 101. Go back to the beginning. Learn it.

Befriend the best friend of the guy you're dating. Bozo loved me. He and I would drink. We would pregame. We would everything together. We were best friends. We would all go out to the clubs. Larm was involved.

Oh, I was, I was there. It was literally me bozo larn and slim shady like at one oak at a table together fun times however as slim shady and my relationship progressed and naturally this is what happens when you get in a relationship slowly slim shady and i were like i don't really want to go to one oak tonight and slim shady would be like let's stay in and like watch a movie and netflix and chill netflix and chill i just want to fuck my girlfriend and i don't feel like going to a club because i'm not chasing pussy but that didn't work for bozo he did not like that because bozo was single and he was also kind of a fucking loser the only way he was cool in the room kind of a fucking he was kind of a fucking loser that was a 30 year old dude and slim shady was younger than him and he just and we were like 22 oh yeah mind

you we had just graduated college and this 30 year old man is like trying to get in on slim shady's like hey you got a bottle tonight so when slim shady and i started to kind of become like wifey coupled up bozo realized his days of like raging and getting the fun crazy slim shady were kind of over because of you because of me yeah poor bozo okay but also i'm not gonna fully put the blame on bozo because you we look back on that relationship and i think we see also like who was slim shady to just have these kind of people around him that just like he knew he was getting used bozo was the worst but like this is how all of his relationships went down every single friend in slim shady's life uses him for his clout and his money yeah the point let's wrap this part up daddy gang now it's

like okay well where are we now with bozo when when slim shady and i broke up it got so dark towards the end that it became almost like a battle of between bozo and i like who was gonna win who's getting the rose literally it was literally a bachelorette bachelor whoever is gonna get the fucking rose and i it's it honestly is meant for another story a fucking book who knows but basically what ended up happening with bozo and i is it got so deep that agents got involved slim shady's parents got involved my parents got involved your brother got my like everyone in both of our families and also his extended fucking life got involved extended fucking entourage his entourage got involved and it got deep and dark

and really fucking psychotic then we finally broke up okay so all you need to know is bozo hates me hate your if he saw me in person to this day he would run me over with a fucking car no doubt and i'm not fucking with you that's literally how much he hates me no doubt maybe me too just like yeah just because yeah you're associated yeah and we're doing this podcast right now and he knows it's about him exactly fast forward three years later daddy gang bozo is getting married present day present day if you haven't been following this long ass story bozo is getting married in one to two save the date save the fucking date daddy gang so the tables have turned slim shady is single bozo is getting

married so let's say bozo we're gonna just make a random name bozo is marrying let's say jessica a jessica a jessica a classic jessica that's what he needs a jessica jessica slim shady who is going to be in bozo's wedding party obviously he may even be the best man i'm not sure fully slim shady is hooking up with jessica's maid of honor this sounds like a conflict of interest a little entanglement i see some problems foreshadowing maybe maybe so here's where the story ramps the fuck up daddy gang are you all ready you're like i'm just trying to write on my notepad all these characters we have jessica the maid of honor slim shady bozo lauren alex hello welcome to call her daddy this week bozo's getting married slim shady is fucking the fucking maid of honor and shady bozo lauren alex hello welcome to call her daddy this week bozo's getting married

slim shady is fucking the fucking maid of honor and she dms me what lauren no you were there i know but i'm trying to add some dramatic effect i'm like wait you were there you're like i'm pretending i'm the daddy gang oh my god so lauren and i are on our way to this rooftop bar this past weekend and I'm looking at my DMs and I see this girl DMs me and I recognize her name because this girl and I have spoken via her fake account before and now she's DMing me from her real account so we have had words in her fake account like six months ago Slim Shady was classic lying to both of us I was visiting him she found out that I was visiting him got super upset because he was obviously telling her baby you're the only one that I'm talking to and then it's like I have my public platform and she's like okay wait you're literally in

California Slim Shady's in California you're in his home what the fuck is going on and I talked about it on the podcast before and I feel like I was super immature the way I handled that situation and I'll own that I like that for you growth good i'm proud of you so she dms me from her real account this and i'm like recognize her name i'm like yo this is the girl that blah blah is like fucking so i look at lauren and all that her dm is it says she sent me a video and it's like blurred for instagram if you're not friends it's like blurred for your blurred for your protection yeah just god forbid we see slim shady's dick which we thought like i was dead convinced as like she, like, a video of them having sex.

Fucking. You're like, ha ha, fuck you, bitch. No, literally. Like, look who's on top now. Daddy gang, I open her DM. She is driving in her car. This is important because I was like, she has to be wasted. And you're like, no, she's driving.

She's driving. This girl's sober. Yeah. And she DMs me a video of her. And she's zooming in on a baseball hat she's driving. She's driving. This girl's sober. Yeah. And she DMs me a video of her and she's zooming in on a baseball hat she was wearing. And it is a call her daddy, block him hat that you can go purchase on our fucking merch store. This girl's wearing my merch.

Mind you, if she walked in the door. Wearing that in front of Slim Shady. He would rip it off her head, light it on fire and tell her to go fucking take a shower. He's like, you're disgusting. OK, so so this girl's wearing merch and she messages me something along the lines of like from your favorite side. Oh, like my friends are daddy gang and they bought me this hat. Ha ha ha.

Fuck him. So I see that and I'm like, oh, fuck. Now we're both on the same side. Like, damn, I feel I at this point I'm like. I don't have any loyalty to this girl but i've been where she is and i knew in that moment she probably was fucking her as much as you can joke about in the moment she's probably fucking her and i realized in that moment like damn slim shady must have fucking done something super shady and he must have fucked her over and now she's like reaching out to me

and i totally respect that i get it because i've been through it and i've been vocal about how he's been shady to me too yeah to reach out to the ex like you definitely have to be feeling some type of way it's like I sympathize for me too so I and Lauren's sitting there and you're like what are you gonna message her back like what are you gonna message her back and I was super fucking chill I'm like dude like I'm so sorry like I'm assuming this means like he fucked you over like I'm wishing you the best like I like hope everything works out and that's when I knew you had been in therapy Lauren's like looking at me she's like you just you just responded something like healthy and i'm like yeah like i have no ill will towards her and i like genuinely can sympathize i've been in his fucked up world before and like

i truly believe everyone has to learn for themselves when you're going through shit with fuck boys it's like you can tell people it's not he's not a good person but if someone had told me that back then i would have still kept seeing him so like no matter what i say this girl needs to go on her own journey and i respect that one thousand percent nobody can say you know what i mean proud of you so i start messaging her back and forth daddy gang and this is where the story takes a turn for the worse and this is where the red wedding fucking comes in to motherfucking play daddy gang are you listening? You're all like, yes, Alex, get to the fucking point.

All of a sudden, the rage, and trust me, girlfriend, I've been there and I feel you. The stages of grief. The stages of grief. The rage of the maid of honor takes a turn for the worst. Daddy gang, she messages me and she says i've been talking to my friends about this and how do you feel about this what i know the story i know but what like tell us daddy gang she proceeds to ask me to be her date now because slimady is her date to this wedding they're gonna walk down they're processing down the aisle into the wedding party and splitting ways and going up onto

the fucking altar together okay she asks me to fly down and to be her date surprising Slim Shady at this wedding to fuck with his head this girl wants me to crash Bozo's wedding just so that she can pull one over on Slim Shady and the two of us walk in the door like what's up mother fucker you thought you were fucking me over now go fuck yourself at your best friend's fucking wedding and mind you whoa mind you mind you this girl is ready to throw over everything everything she's ready to fuck over her best friend's wedding in order to fuck over slim shady he does that to people this is dark yeah this is and this is why i have you sitting across from me because this is this doesn't sound real this is a full-blown movie script yeah you do not wedding crashes do they have a two do they have a three

what is this wedding crash or four straight up straight up here we are call her daddy and lauren and i kind of had an aha moment of and I think that this can relate to the daddy gang, even though you're all like, please find a way to tie us into this Alex, because this isn't normal. The moral of this story I feel like is, when you are fucking with a fuck boy, you can get so deep.

You can lose yourself. You can lose yourself. And that is your prerogative. 100% trust me, I've been there. She's in it. We've all been in it but i think the moral of the story is like you have to make sure that you only let it affect your fucking life because the minute that you let that shit bleed into people that you love and the people

that you're best friends with or your family members or whoever the fuck actually genuinely cares about you and it's almost like not fair because you're intoxicated by the fuck boy you don't even see it oh i like that right yeah intoxicated by the fuck but you have to have a pause moment to be like hold on am i am i about to ruin my best friend's wedding just to fuck over a guy that i'm not even publicly fully even dating yeah and i do not blame you trust me i have been crazy if this wasn't her best friend's wedding i would be like sweetheart this you are out of your mind and i'm so here for it if this was a random wedding that they were going on a date too you know what i mean and you don't even know who the fuck is getting yeah if you were only throwing over slim shady hilarious honestly like brilliant

this is big implications we're talking this is bigger than that yeah and so i think this was one of those moments where lauren and i were like damn like slim shady is like he's like not a good guy no and seeing what because i can tell this girl's a good fucking chick and i think that like but everyone has to do it at their own pace yeah this girl this is this is you three years later actually like if we were to i'm know better yeah if we were to flash back three years ago you you were inviting someone to someone's wedding absolutely I was full blow no I was literally like having this I was having an absolute like all of the girls he's ever fucked show up outside in the perception like every girl he stuck his penis and I'm like hello Slim Shady nice to meet you yeah but I just wanted to share this story because it's like like coming full circle I think it's wild to be sitting here with you,

Lauren, where you were with me when I dated this dude. And for me, it worked at the time. I loved the status and I was just like kind of being surface level. I didn't know what I wanted. I honestly knew that he was being fucking shady and I didn't give a fuck. And it worked for me.

Now I'm at a state in my life where I'm like, I have my career. I have my own money and a relationship like that for me. I've grown out of. And now I'm like, wait like wait no I need someone now that can actually like not bring build you up and accept you and like you're like you are I'm dating fucking Alex Cooper yeah and not be like a guy that's being shady on me someone that's like supportive and like loves me and is like treating me like a fuck like what I deserve boom and I shout out to you girlfriend because honestly it sounds fucked up but i'm almost happier going

through this in a weird way because i know once you deal with someone like this once you get away from him you will look back and be having the same fucking revelation that i'm having right here on this podcast right now and you will be like yo i am worth so much fucking more pass the baton pass the fucking baton and bitch take your time but move the fuck on and run away and run because that shit is dark what an intro are you guys fucking ready for the rest of the fucking baton and bitch, take your time, but move the fuck off. And run away. And run because that shit is dark. What an intro. Are you guys fucking ready for the rest of the fucking episode? You're like, no, we need a break, Alex. Okay, let me go into a fucking ad.

Relax. It's fine. Here we go. So I'm sitting here. There's a brunette in the room. Not the one that you thought. You're like, is she back? No.

Fuck no. Listen, there is a brunette in the room hannah burner you forgot my last name no i was about to say burns and i was like burns i'm burning in hell like hannah hannah hey how are you doing fuck hannah burner burner yep thank you baby guys if you remember last i spoke to hannah she was single i was single and now we're both sitting here and before we started the episode we were joking we're like first we were fuck boys and now we're like we're ready to go on say yes to the dress we're getting married thing is shit changes really quick so fast and that's what i always say to people and they're

like oh i'm single i'm single it takes that one person one person one second one fucking second and then suddenly all those love songs make sense i get it thank you and all of a sudden you're like wait this hits like a little different that's what neo was talking about you're like wait he does that for me and meanwhile it was like fuck the love songs now i'm like no play the love songs and now i'm starting to think about like what song will i play at my wedding like alex alex i didn't even think i was gonna have a wedding i didn't even think i was gonna have a wedding i didn't even think i was gonna get married well no no you deep down were like i'm always safe because i got guy number three who i will marry then all of a sudden i got on a fucking business meeting call and all of a

sudden my life changed forever what happened no i don't even know hold on hold on hold on the tables how the turntables have turned no this is okay first of all you have do you have a full-blown boyfriend because i don't have a boyfriend okay i work fucking fast i trapped this guy's ass we met well we talked about it oh my gosh sorry daddy we already know him we have not spoken since so like we said save it for the podcast so guys we're doing a full-blown like what's going on in your life right now catch up hannah do you remember the 44 year old that i said was the best sex in my life yes which he was like why didn't you use my name you're like first of all you didn't just you didn't have a name at the time you're just a 44 year old that fucked the pussy right and you fucked it fucking good now however all of a sudden

this is how i know you have a boyfriend daddy gang listen to this i wake up in the morning fucking cup of coffee in one hand and instagram in the other like the hoe i am and i'm scrolling checking up on all the things and all of a sudden i look at my fucking instagram and i see goddamn hannah posting a picture with a man on the gram making it a broke all my fucking rules all the rules i was i've dated guys for 10 months and never put them up because deep down i'm like once i put them up then when we break up i have to like explain it to people you're like no and that's almost how fucked up is it everyone if you know you don't want to post them and it's not like because i want this to be private and intimate it's more like oh because i know there's gonna be a fucking end date and

that'll be fucking awkward as hell this time though what the fuck you posted it you fucking he actually was like i'm gonna post it on mine and he started getting all this good attention i go oh i want some attention you're like hold on i go we look fucking cute you did and i just posted it and then you commented early i was having a full-blown mental because i'm like hold on i thought we were in the fuck girl thing together hannah let's reconnect don't call her daddy you fucking whore so the wild thing is i actually had a psychic okay i feel like i touched on the psychic topic last time but i didn't want to freak people out right just give it to us so i just had this woman who dms me and i let her because

i mean i'm bored and i have nothing else going on and you're not in therapy right no okay so yeah so that my therapist is your I should be no it's okay my psychic told me you need to go to therapy but you're like but I like you better because you're easy on me she's way more fun she tells you what you want to hear she basically told me I was I was facetiming with this former football player and she was like he's not the one and i was like no shit he has cte but he literally can't speak english but like also it's fine like he's hot but he also was like in florida just like fucking girls every night and then facetiming me at night and but like i liked that he liked talking to me more than those girls yeah and

he would talk about like how yeah he's like i'm just fucking fours and like because i know they'll leave in the morning like he was gross yeah yeah but it's kind of entertaining i'm not gonna lie i think when you have a fuck boy that you know you're his main like talking banter with person it's fun because you're like oh i have a level up than like the fucking four that he's railing and like throwing out into the fucking trash i get no satisfaction from a guy saying i'm hot no saying i'm sexy no i get satisfaction when a guy's like i want to hang with you i want to call you i want to facetime you that shit makes me wet that is a guy with

the ultimate a guy thinks french toast is sexy yes a guy thinks anything is sexy anything a guy thinks his fucking phone is sexy literally he sees timothy chevrolet fucked a peach sorry sorry what i that went over my head please quickly clean oh timothy he's so hot i love him we love him but he fucked a peach what do you mean a peach he fucked a peach in the movie um call me but call him by my name yeah that was kind of hot yeah yeah yeah he put his dick in the peach it was very kind of hot but the point is they will fuck anything yeah they think everything is hot so when a man is like baby your brain all of a sudden i'm like oh my god you noticed it like hot okay hold on so you're talking to this random guy

your psychic is like no he's not the one and he's facetiming me and then like he'll he was kind of thing he'd facetime me and then he'd like go off and like text right like he'd facetime me and then i'd be like you're not or he'd like put it at the ceiling but he just like wanted to facetime me can we agree that you start quarantine and we want to just like people on our roster and we're like now i'm like i am bored of the pointless conversations with the fucking idiot football players or the baseball players or the whatever fucking players players i think what's happened is the world is burning yes and hell and to hell and time is not of the essence no if you just want to talk bullshit with tons of hot guys sure but i was like i want to feel something yes i want my life to have some meaning this is yes i'm putting my fuck girl jersey

on the bleachers on the bleachers and i'm walking away and i'm ready to put on my gown so tell us so you're in a relationship my psychic says you're going to meet someone during quarantine and he's walking towards you and in my head i'm like i'm living with my parents you're like with cats you're seeing my dad or my cat i'm not sure which one like she's like no no no hannah so and she goes he's gonna be your type but something going to be not your type about him. And I go, well, is he 6'3"? And she's like, yes. And I go, thank God.

Thank fucking God. Then we're good. And then I get a DM slide like two weeks later from this guy who's a comic who is 44. And he was just like, are you out east? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, let's hang out. He literally was just like, do you want to get coffee? And I was like, yes. There was no games. I was like yeah and he's like let's let's he literally was just like do you want to get coffee and i was like yes there was no games i was like here's

my digits he goes cool it was just like fucking boom boom boom boom boom so there's no games right off the bat zero game playing and i don't know how to play the rules when there's no rules no i i think it's almost like because you're not playing a game it's still a game because you're like i'm gonna just be honest the game is no game no the game is no game but it feels strange because I'm like the honesty coming out of my mouth right now is so cringe like I don't know why I just said I like you but I just said it and so now we're gonna go with it like and it's almost like I feel like I am just like blindly making I don't know what I'm doing I don't I'm being honest with every man that I'm talking to right now and it is so psychotic I don't know what to tell the daddy gang I'm like I'll quickly update you soon like I'm being honest I I am not I don't know what's

going on so you start and you're not playing games with this man he's 44 yes oldest guy you've ever dated oldest guy I've ever dated by far there's something I'm gonna get deep here for a second but I think it's like during quarantine we're stuck with ourselves so much that finally it's like you for you to be happy with someone you want to be with someone who makes you feel like yourself and if you don't know who yourself is or like that self yeah then you don't want to be with someone who makes you feel like yourself fuck no so you just want to talk to random dudes exactly because you have to face yourself you have to look in the fucking mirror yes a relationship is a mirror i mean are you my

therapist she literally said that to me in my other session wait hannah hello you're my therapist no wait she straight up said like alex who you are in a relationship with is like literally a mirror because you're choosing people and so there i look and if you're being honest with them and honest with your feelings what they reflect back is like who you are and it's scary and you have to fucking like who you look at in the mirror and but this guy also has seen me like in some very weird situation what do you mean by that as in like we hung out for five times and he was like falling hard okay to the point that he was making me feel like i could fall and he'd catch me right now right and then i had a work project yeah in work project in a prison with a pool for about seven weeks where I was tested. I was tested emotionally.

Because he couldn't be in quarantine with you while you were in quarantine. So it was all over the phone. So it became a long distance relationship for seven weeks, which means you have phone call facetime texts and photos so alex photos what are the rules when you cannot be with your mans who you are in the honeymoon stage with we were faced we were facetiming for three hours a night i cannot believe how similar our fucking lives are right now i've had to do this we're in alignment it is like you start to and this is the fucking thing daddy gang listen to me and tell me if this is where you're at because this is why i feel like you're in love in quarantine you have if you aren't with

your partner and you're in your honeymoon stage with this guy and you're having three hour face times i'm gonna assume because it fucking happened to me you're having conversations that you probably would be having like eight months in six months in but the relationship is expedited because you're on fucking facetime for three hours with nothing going on in the world all of a sudden you're getting deep you're talking about real life shit you're talking about how he grew up how you grew up what you want in your life and all of a sudden you have a fucking relationship in less than a month. And you're like, holy fuck, we're married.

You nailed it. Hi. Quarantine is speeding up everything. It's wild. Because you're not like busy. You're not like, oh, like, let's do that next week. Like you don't have shit to do. And also the fact that you could even phone calls like you could talk to any dude for 20 minutes.

Right. You could flirt with any dude for 20 hours. An hour is like you could date him for a couple months yeah if you can do three hours multiple times like you're obsessed with each other's mind you're upset like i want you to fuck my mind we have this he we were like sexting which i want to get into like because i love phone sex tips but we were sexting this man we were both comics so we love using our words we love writing and i'm just like oh i want to feel your throbbing dick like whatever and he responds and he just goes i want to fuck you with my soul alex i've never felt and like most of the time i'd be like okay bro chill i will barf all over everything with your soul shut the fuck up you mean you want to

put your semen inside of me like just relax i was like i am a receptacle what are you talking about he goes i want to fuck you with my soul and i've never fucked anyone with my soul and i was just like this is the hottest thing i've ever heard because old hannah would have been so gross out all of a sudden you're like wait why do i think that's the fucking hottest cutest thing it's so true and that's why but you know what's hot about not playing games yeah the fact that he had the confidence to say he's gonna fuck me with his soul yeah that takes confidence for a dude to basically be like i'm not just like fucking the shit out of you and leaving he's like i want to feel as close to you as emotionally physically i want to give you fucking tongue down your throat while i'm fucking

you dude how good because i don't know if you've had it but like have you guys had sex where it's like super emotional and then like also then you have the raunchy sex because I know with door number three we could have two completely different types of sex and it was it you almost get addicted to it and then going and having meaningless sex after is so hard once you've had nasty sex where it's like intimate and oh my god it's fucking hot there's the idea of like doing what you think is hot because you've seen it in pornos you've heard it on a podcast versus you doing whatever you want and the way he looks at you knowing that he's so like i come from how he looks at me oh dude like the way he wants me and the way he's admiring me and like maybe it's because he's

older too i think i said this before but like younger guys don't know what they're doing. Which is fine. They're so in their own head, which is fine because like I was too. And that's like that young love. But with an older man, he's so obsessed with different ways to make you come. But I want to say like, do you have any advice for the long distance like content? Because you've had so many like long distance type things. I think that's all I have ever had.

And I really don't know why. It's like a problem. No, but like actually. Because if you're FaceTime sexing, you not only have to make sure that your video looks good. Then you also have to be turning them on with your words. Okay, let me. I want to give the daddy gang a quick FaceTime tip. And is gonna sound so fucking extra and i don't give a fuck if people are gonna judge me but i don't care the guy that i'm dating 24 7 like i will be sitting

on the couch and he's like let me just like see the pussy like for two seconds it will make my whole day like let me just like look at your pussy and i'm like i'm watching tv like you're not turned on he's so sexual that it makes me feel so hot 24 7 because he's like i want all of you he's like don't even shave like i want you literally off a workout sweaty this is what older men are so hot well because yeah younger guys will do what they think they want i've there's two types of guys guys that are like i want you shave and i want your nails done oh my god like your butthole do you know how hard it is to get the hair on the top of your butt? You know how many times I've sliced the top of my asshole to try to get two hairs for some dude to come easier?

Fuck that. Then there's the kind of guys who are literally like, I will suck on your dirty toe. I want all of your shit. I want to suck your asshole until I can't fucking breathe anymore. And I'm like, give me your bad breath. Put it all over my dick dude and then you just feel like everything about you he's into and it makes this is what I've always said on call her daddy every man listening the more that you can verbally look

at your girl and be like you look so fucking hot right now when she's like not wearing makeup when she's like finished a workout and he's like i want your pussy right now that makes me be like well then god damn when i go on like date nights like he must think i'm fucking fire so he likes me my worst so what i did though is we had like a planned facetime sex date okay and this is the thing about facetime sex it really is all up to the girl we are putting on a performance and i'm not essentially getting off to watching him jack off it's hot to watch him stroking his dick but i know like it's a performance and really we're really the ones that are coming on and putting on a show yeah so he just has to be hard he just has to be hard and have a hand we're not like oh can i see under the ball like get in the asshole like no can you change the lighting because i liked that angle of the

dick right he's he's literally the entire time he's laying on his back with his phone staring at you and then his like shit is turned around like and you're watching his dick and he's jacking off and like just like his is the bottom of his belly literally the bottom of his belly and the dick men fuck you you have it so easy meanwhile i'm like prepping an hour before so i'm like okay so listen how crazy this is but I don't give a fuck I'm like I want I was drinking some tequila and I was like how do I spice this shit up because we've had FaceTime sex before super good but I'm like I want to get disgusting like I want to get

so nasty so I go into my little wardrobe room of all my lingerie and I pick out the most like disgusting slutty fucking thing I can find it's literally strings all over my body like crossing over my nipples like it's a onesie that's just like string all over my body okay I'm like claustrophobic just thinking about it dude putting this thing on was a journey this is not one of those that I could have quickly run to the bathroom put on and been like hey baby like no this was like I need to prep for two hours because this string goes through my asshole into my titty like through the nipple like i was like yo this is a journey so finally after like two fucking hours i'm like okay we're in

we're strapped and ready to go i need a nap and then i'll call you i was like now i need to lay down and then god forbid you have to pee, you're fucked. No, but this one, this is the best. You can unknot it? It is literally just two strings and the pussy lips are out. Yeah, the pussy lips are fine.

Pussy lips are fine. So, I put this on, feeling amazing, looking at myself. Then I've always told girls, you need to get in the mood before FaceTime sex.

I can't be like, hi baby, ready? Let's go. I'm like, one, two, two three like not a chance so i started taking nudes because what i knew was he was about to have to go quarantine he's in a different country for work and i knew he's going to go quarantine so i was going to take all these pictures okay save them for a couple weeks later so i knew we were gonna have nasty facetime text he was going to be obsessed with this outfit so i banked those because then i knew in like a couple weeks, I'll like randomly slide in with like a full album of me taking nudes in this fucking outfit and we'll bring him back to the amazing FaceTime sex that I'm about to have.

So that's the first option. Mind fucker. Mind fuck. So we have a whole night planned out. So I take all these pictures. I start to get turned on. Naturally, when you're taking nudes, you're like, this is so hot. What I do prior to the FaceTime, this is so extra.

I put my phone up against like a pillow and I'm like on my knees on my bed and I open my camera. So I'm watching myself like I'm about to have FaceTime sex. I put my computer next to my phone and I open porn and I full blown get all of all of my toys okay and there's like a lot of toys happening in this facetime sex okay he has like sent me toys like we are in it to win it over here and i full-blown watch porn and masturbate and watch myself fuck myself in my phone camera so i can know what angles are going to look so fucking hot i'm like and i know it sounds out of control you're looking at yourself your face orgasming and you're like move your lips

when he tells me turn around like i want to see your asshole and i want you to put that butt plug in your asshole i'm kind of like i wonder what this angle looks like listen to me daddy gang i this is next level This is next level. This is next level, but this is the point. Every single girl listening to this podcast, I think that I know I've said it in the past. Oh my God, I have FaceTime sex. It is a lot easier said than done.

FaceTime sex can give girls anxiety if you're not fully comfortable with this man and you have to know that you want to be so nasty and hot and saying all the things and getting the right angles. Do I go handheld the whole time or do I put my phone down and like literally let him watch my whole body if you feel confident and beforehand you do the whole thing on your own and you're watching yourself and you know how hot you look then when he calls and you're in the little fucking tiny

bubble and up in the corner and you can't really see what your pussy likes like you can be like no i know i look so good because i already tested the lighting. I know how hot I look. I know this angle of my asshole is fucking perfection. And then you don't have to focus on what you look like. You can go into the FaceTime sex and be so disgusting. And trust me when I say I was so disgusting when I was shoving something in my fucking asshole and out of care in the world was like, how does it look? Because I already knew how it looked. Yeah.

And also with the right guy, my new man. Yes. So please explain i wanted to preface it just saying like i'm not as like out there with you i think in terms of like being like so down for facetime sex okay like i get like dude it's hard i get nervous too and i just feel like not nervous like i'm confident in myself but i just don't want to feel like i'm giving away my body to like any dude on facetime i'm like still like me no no i get it i try to like just think that i want him to earn that shit but there's a point where you're just like this boy needs to see the inside of my vagina now but i you know it i think you have to read your audience it's a chemistry and this guy the best part about this guy does is he said

i don't do facetime sex but we like wanted each other so bad and i would just like show him my boob and then but the thing is i had roommates i'm living in a house with roommates and some other things that made it hard to be private so i had to be creative so what i like to do is he would like get hard whatever and then i would go in the bathroom that's's honestly a good spot. And, like, you know, you're just, like, you put it against the mirror because you look hotter because it's farther away. Right. Yeah, you're, like, it's so far away.

It's so far away. It's, like, I'm blurry. No, she can't see you. You literally can't see you. And then what I do is I'd put, this is so ratchet, but I'd put the phone on the toilet. Love. Like, the toilet's closed and don't put it in the toilet. And it's facing up.

Yeah. And then I would just, like, put my ass over it. So good. And then he'd be like, please, like, move your underwear. Like, please. And I'd be like, you want me to? And he'd be like, yeah. And then I would, like, a little bit show him my labias.

And then. And this is on FaceTime, or these are pictures? FaceTime. FaceTime. FaceTime. And then eventually, like, I'd take it off. And then he's just like. show him my labias and then and this is on facetime or these are pictures facetime facetime and then eventually like i'd take it off and then he's just like but something about standing over it is hotter sometimes than like just widening your legs because you see like the butt like that is hot so that is so fucking hot hannah guys i hope you're understanding and following what she's saying because that angle yes of your ass yes you look

like Khloe Kardashian you even if you have no ass you have an ass all of a sudden and it looks so fuck that's a good one also if you take nudes in that position not that you're sending nudes but daddy gang if you put your phone and you do self-timer and you put it like angled up on the um toilet and then you turn around and your ass is there that angle when it's directing upwards all of a sudden you're like I got injections welcome to my asshole like welcome motherfuckers i've got a nice ass and he's like yo that is juicy and then just like put fingers in places wait so no literally just any orifice just put it in take a q-tip and just slowly and he's like are you like trying to do an std test like gauzing yourself you're like like, yeah, hold on. Quick, let me swab. I think I'm COVID test.

He's like, oh, baby, harder. You're like, deeper, deeper. And you're like, I'm negative, bitch. He's like, oh, I love that. No, Hannah, wait. I want to know. So you're not having FaceTime sex, but you're doing this. No, so he said in the beginning, I don't do FaceTime sex.

And then slowly. And then it was like he couldn't get enough FaceTime sex. Well, because you're doing fucking quarantine. And then all of a sudden it's like, Kate, to see pussy exactly i need to see the lips exactly and i also i want to tell people like obviously i love talking we do it for a living but for people who are insecure about facetime stuff yeah i really think it's like it's like you're telling a story yes of like what you want yeah but the way to to fill in the words it's like you're writing an essay and you have to hit a certain number of words you just have to fill it in because if you're just like i want your dick

in me it's like yes fuck oh yes fuck oh yeah i'm gonna give you some words you have to be like pulsating cock i want to see the vein in your dick popping up because you're so fucking hard and then you don't just say my pussy you You say like my soaking, wet, dripping pussy. I mean. Like you have to. And then you see how like this is my voice, right? This is my voice. My phone sex voice is like this.

And you're like cracking a little. Like your voice cracks. I'm just like. Baby, do you see that? Yeah. And like you're not doing this. No. It's like you're not this. You're not this.

It's in between. It's soft. You're like, hello, do you like this? He's like, okay. And then occasionally just like a. Yes. Just like a breath that breath everyone thinking about facetime sex if you think you have to talk the whole time you don't you just have to slowly be like do you like that and like you're putting your phone like down your body and all of a sudden you take off your shirt and you're like do you want it like do you want to see and he's like what and then all of a sudden your

fucking phone is underneath your pussy and you're like baby do you want to see? And he's like, what? And then all of a sudden your fucking phone is underneath your pussy. And you're like, baby, do you like that? And then he's like, yeah, spread your lips. And then all of a sudden you're into it. You have to just take control and be like, start by being like, do you like that? That is a tactic that I've learned in sales before. Oh, or you have to ask questions. You don't just go in and say, right, this is what you want. Right, right.

You go, well, do you like it like this? And when they say yes, then you go, but do you like this? They say yes. The next thing you know, you're building exactly what they think they want it really is the beginning could be awkward but once you're fucking into it and your fingers are in your pussy or you have a toy in there and he's watching you fuck yourself and you are like getting the perfect angle and he's like basically watching pov porn i don't see a man being like i this facetime sex not for me sorry but it does take two to tango isn't like when you said awkward

like it takes two people going from giggly mode to like seductive mode and if one person is not in seductive mode that it's being two comedians has it been hard to like transition from joking 24 7 to then also be like let's be serious and like sexual what's fun is like there are moments like he was eating me out once and something was said and he just started laughing into my pussy like cracking up and then he stopped and he's like this is my dream just like laughing into a pussy that's what i want to do for the rest of my life um if a guy was laughing in my pussy i would be like i don't know what's happening i don't even know what's happening why are you laughing at my pussy he's

like i'm laughing with your pussy i'm like i don't feel like i'm. I don't even know what's happening. Why are you laughing at my pussy? He's like, I'm laughing with your pussy. I'm like, I don't feel like I'm in on the joke. Wait, were you like, what the fuck? Well, we like both were laughing, but he stayed in my pussy during the laugh. And to be honest, it felt kind of good. Like he kind of let the vibration go onto your fucking clit. The breath in and out. Hold on.

Okay, let's go through this. I love how we just quickly went to facetime sex you are dating this man yeah you really like him how long has it been that you're dating him great question so the first two weeks we went on five dates okay and it was like the last date it's so funny it was like date four where he started talking about like deeper trauma like stuff that's happened in the past i started opening up and then it was date five that after those like tough conversations we were like oh we're still here we didn't leave each other we actually feel stronger like whoa like because dating is just taking in information about someone until you realize that you learned something you didn't

want you're like i hate you you're d i listen i have demons but yours are like not matching up with my demons and i hate your demon i want your demons to want to fuck the shit out of my demons. My demons to get so horny for your demons. I'm just have a fucking fuck fest. No, but it's true. You have to have everyone has issues. And sometimes you just have to see like, oh, my issues really fuck with your issues. And they like can work.

Exactly. So yours are working. So it is working. And so but then I left him. And then you went into quarantine. I went to quarantine with my friends for seven weeks. Daddy you know where she was so we survive it and then you survive quarantine we see each other oh my god and within I'm gonna say a week we're both out in the Hamptons I live with my parents he has his own place on the beach and I was he was very

subtle about it but he was like you can stay here like whenever and I was like okay like like move in and he's like yeah like if you want to and then I like thought about for three days and then I was, he was very subtle about it, but he was like, you can stay here like whenever. And I was like, okay, like, like move in. And he's like, yeah, like if you want to. And then I like thought about it for three days. And then I was just like, I'm going to bring my cat. And he's like, you want to move in? And I wanted him to be like romantic, like the movies where it's like, Hannah, here's the key to my heart. Come through.

But that's not how it is. Cause he was trying to be cool. I was trying to be cool. And then finally I was like, do you want me to fucking move in or not? Cause I don't want to fuck this up right now. And I can't understand what you're feeling. Like we haven't been playing games. So let's not how it is because he was trying to be cool. I was trying to be cool. And then finally I was like, do you want me to fucking move in or not? Because I don't want to fuck this up right now. And I can't understand what you're feeling. Like we haven't been playing games. So let's not play games.

What am I doing? And he's like, obviously I want you to. And I'm like, it's not obvious. I've known you for three weeks. And you're like, moving in is like. It's a big deal. But it feels right. We both have a place in the city.

But my thing is, Alex, this is my new quarantine dating style. The world is burning. So if you are into a guy, you need to. it's like how to lose a guy in 10 days. Just do, there's no rules. Just do it. Go to fucking the DMV with him. Check out right then and there if you two can survive. Move in with him.

Put together an Ikea couch and see if you get into any fights, if anyone gets stabbed with nails or not. Did you put a couch together? Okay. So we put a bed together. I'm like, is this like, are we talking like theoretically or like did this really happen so i get into his house and alex i am the least emasculated bitch okay i am like who i'm just trying to find men who will take care of me yeah yeah and like i'll make the money but like do the

laundry whatever so i walk in and i'm like this place needs candles and he was like oh my friends told me about this this is called your nesting and i go i'm not nesting it smells bad you're like i will never buy something for this apartment i literally could give two shits but it reeks so then next thing you know we're in home goods together literally four days into like me moving in with him you're like shopping in home with your car i go babe babe do you like the wood or do you like the metallic and he's like babe whatever you want babe then we go to see the candles and i'm like do we want fruit or like vanilla warm vanilla sugar wife i've you're in home good i don't know who i am alex but it's like this is the first guy i've ever met who i think is marriage material and you

want to go to home goods with him. That's the thing. You're not like, I'm grossed out. You're like, I want to go again. I want to go every Friday night. That line's really long. I go, the line is the journey. The line is the best part. It's worth it.

We'll be back. We'll have a membership. The line is when you pick all these things that you don't need. And then at the end, you joke about it. And you're like, why do we get that, babe? We didn't need those chocolate pretzels. It's literally memories. But Alex, if we weren't need those chocolate pretzels it's literally memories but alex if we weren't meant to be together and we were in that home goods we would have found out

real quick right so instead of being like oh i'm not ready to move in because um it might it might not work out it's like yeah let's find out if it doesn't work out right now right now so i don't waste any more time right now and then all of a sudden you leave home goods and all of a sudden it was amazing and then you go put the couch together and like it was amazing and all of a sudden you're sitting here and you're like so it's amazing and then right before i got he drove me here right before i left these people were talking on the radio and they were just like yeah of course everything's good in the beginning of course it's a honeymoon stage shut up no but i don't agree with that because this is what i've been thinking because of quarantine and because

it's expediting relationships you're really having to like like you said we're having brain conversations you have to love my fucking brain to hang out like you're not fucking my pussy as much as you're having facetime sex it's not the same so if you can get past this time imagine once we can be like let's go to a bar let's go to a dinner let's go like life is going to get i at least believe better with them once like the world we're going through the hardest fucking thing right now in our lives and he's becoming like deeper than my best friend we're like you know your best friend you you don't need to bother her with some shit or like you don't need to be like i don't like how you said that you're like that's just molly yeah yeah but like you love molly that's who she is where now you're with a guy who like

you can tell whenever you don't like when he does something when you and he will listen because he fucking cares and when he says something to you you're like i'm growing and it's like this i've never done this with a person i've always just been like either like make them like me right or like i don't know why they're obsessed with me so i'm at this thing where like we're we're well no hannah i'm listening to you it's so weird i think daddy gang having a pausing moment of like really looking at what you're saying i feel like we're mirroring each other right now because all of a sudden you're in a situation where you care enough to actually voice your opinion about like if something's bothering you because it's not like something's going to bother you.

And then you're like, it doesn't matter. No, it does. But you also feel comfortable enough to tell him and you know, he's going to receive the information and want to change because he also likes you so much. And so it's really like it is healthy it's insane I dated a guy once I walked in and there was like a hole in the wall because white guys love punching walls for some reason and I was like why'd you punch that wall and he was like oh my ex-girlfriend like didn't let me go to like some basketball game and like immediately in my head I was like note to self don't tell him he can't do anything and literally the whole relationship I just was like note to self don't tell him he can't do anything literally the whole relationship I

just was like sat there and was like and meanwhile if that if your new boyfriend said that you would have been like well can we talk about that like what do you mean and then you would have learned everything about that situation with him so then you felt fully comfortable about it 100% you're for the first time in your life it sounds like you're like I'm not actually trying to like say the right things or how you're being fully yourself yeah and that's the best and it stems from I think we were both athletes in chat yeah and as athletes you get better attention and you get more love when you perform well yeah so with men I would always be like okay if I perform well I will get the w and like now that we're not playing games it's like wait so I don't have to

perform and then you're just left with what it is Hannah no that's like kind of the best way to explain our mentality has I got off on being like oh I can play this man and he'll be obsessed and he'll fall in love and I'll sit here and feel literally nothing and I just wasted my time but at least I got him to fall in love with me but like what did I get out of it now and I remember shit on a podcast right that's's, that's one episode. There you go. But now we're at the point where it's like, wait, I genuinely like feeling also fulfilled. And I feel like it's fun to have someone that like, you can just not have to try so hard

for it really is amazing to be like, I'm fully myself around someone. So, so we're both feeling like we're being healthy. Also, did you take the picture off of Instagram? Oh, so. I thought you guys broke up. I'm like, bitch. I posted it. And then, you guys, this is the weird thing about dating when you're, like, in entertainment.

There were, like, for some reason, there were rules that a higher power told me I had to take it down. What? Because, like, it's kind of part of, like, my summer. Your summer. Your summer. Wink, wink. We not. But now I'm on Call Your Daddy on color daddy because i can't be managed yo okay wait so is there anything sexually that you feel like you're like doing that's new in this relationship that you're excited about like is he doing specific

things in the bedroom she's smiling literally like i can like literally see the roof of her mouth she's so happy right now like literally looks like she just now i like i can like literally see the roof of her mouth she's so happy right now like literally looks like she just now i'm laughing because like me and you are both so open but like a little bit different yeah because i'm what you're like we haven't had sex i'm like you on training wheels so like my thing with coming is i i can orgasm clearly very easily with fingering like fingering 2020 fingering totally is incredible and more people have to do it more more love more fingers i don't just have a vaginal orgasm from sex no they're only 20 of women do yeah and like you feel like everyone you know

when everyone's like oh we came at the same time no you didn't did you wait was he touching your clit no okay then you didn't have it then you fucking did it feel good yeah that's not coming shut up you'll know when you come thank you did your eyes roll back in the back your head no no yeah you faked it you stupid bitch own it you're a fake ass bitch you're a fake ass bitch honestly love it like keep faking it so he'll like end quicker but like totally understand that like that was fake because don't don't let it get twisted i think some girls start to literally think they came and i'm like The amount of girls who say we come at the same time, I'm like. No, you didn't. Even if I could come vaginally.

Yeah. To get it at the exact same moment that he does. Did you really? I don't think so. I don't. Prove it, bitch. Squirt. Oh, you didn't even come.

Shut up. So. So. So. But I can orgasm like vaginally and clitorally at the same time. Right. That's kind of amazing. So like if you, if I have something in my vagina.

Yes. And I like. The fingers. And I orgasm with my clit. There's like an extra good feeling. Yes. However, I've realized, so I'm trying to like put his penis in me while I touch myself. Amazing.

However, I've realized that the only way that I can orgasm right now is when my legs are straight. Why is that so embarrassing? It's so weird. Wait, why is that so funny? The only way I can cum is when I'm, like, lying down with my legs straight. So, like, when... Because, like, when I...

You know when you cum and, like, your legs, like, tighten and your legs extend? Like, that's how I cum. So, like, I have trouble trouble coming when my legs are bent. So he puts his dick on top of me and my legs are bent. And he's like, can you come? And I'm like, no, my legs have to be straight. This is the least sexual turn-on thing. You're like, I know this isn't sexy, but hold on, my legs aren't straight.

He's like, what? And then he's trying to get my legs straight and put his dick in me. It was so weird. The most passionate, sexy, emotional. And he's's like i want you to come oh fuck and i go my legs aren't straight and then he's like i feel like this is a mental thing with you and i'm like i feel like you should shut the fuck up i feel like you should just get my legs straight i feel like if you knew how to keep my legs straight so then he was like he was like let's try like a toy and i was like okay and then i just get a dildo and i go can you just put that in me right he goes that's not me just hold it he's like here you go like I'm not a punter just holding a ball like I want to

be in the game I want to be in the game and I was like just put that in me and do your and I'll make myself come just hold it he's like so they won't say just can you just he's like please and then he was like let's do a sex toy I took out one of those little things that like you can so I try to have sex and like use a sex toy to orgasm but like i was having trouble because my legs weren't straight so then he was just like put in my butt now we put the sex toy in his butt yes so we love this this we love him because first of all i was like just talking shit and i was like ass eating is like so millennial millennials like invented ass eating he goes bitch i was eating ass like just talking shit and I was like ass eating is like so millennial. Millennials like invented ass eating.

He goes, bitch, I was eating ass before you were born. And I was like, part of me is jealous and part of me is turned on right now. You're like, I kind of love that statement. He is the most masculine. Is he eating your ass? Have you ate his ass? He ate my ass this morning. Oh my God.

Breakfast. Breakfast. Oh my God. Wait. Bacon and butt. Bacon and butt. Put that on a t-shirt wait bacon and butt barstool let's go butt glazed bacon

so what what first happened is like i'll be on top of him right and then like you reach back to touch his balls right and then he was like put a finger in but like my new thing for quarantine is growing out my nails oh it's like my journey and i just they're kind of long i they're pretty long but you then putting it in a so i was like am i gonna cut you with my nail and he's like no you'll be fine and then i just shove it in like a 13 year old guy trying to finger a girl and he goes put some lube on it you're like here we go bombs away and he's like ah and i was like i thought the nail is fine he goes put some saliva on it or something and i go i don't know i'm like you're literally like you're literally like a high schooler that's like i guess i'm gonna put my dick in my girlfriend's

ass for the first time and he shoves it in but even like a guy trying to finger you for the first time you know and he's just like that's literally what i did and he was like ow and i'm like i'm so embarrassed like i was trying to be hot but it just it's no dude the asshole for a man is so delicate yes lube like the asshole because the asshole doesn't lubricate itself you need you need a little bit of like you need to massage it in and light i was so i fucked it up but then we take this toy and i like lubed it up and i put it in and what kind of toy was it it was literally just this like little it looks like a little pen it was like half a pen okay got it so he put that in his booty and then was fucking me doggy and then he had the most unbelievable orgasm to the point that he was like the fact that other men aren't doing

this like because it's a prostate thing and he's, my orgasm hits one level and then goes like four times that amount. And I'm sitting here being like, I need to go and call her daddy to tell all the guys. Because this dude, it was not, it couldn't have been hotter, him orgasming while and just felt so much better. And I don't have to do shit. Why the fuck do, if you like something in your ass, it does not make you any type of sexuality. It doesn't make you gay. It doesn't make you straight. It means that it feels good.

So put it in your fucking ass. But also, I'm pretty sure it feels good for every guy. Every guy. Like I know with gay guys, like some people prefer top or bottom thing, but that's more emotional. I think put a fucking butt plug in and shut the fuck up. Shut the if you are a man, you can put something in your ass. If you can't put something in your ass if you can't

put something in your ass you're literally a little bitch boy and also i haven't put something in my ass because i'm a little bitch boy right now it's scary however i love the licking wait it feels it feels better than like sometimes a guy going down on you what position where are you when he's eating your ass um i literally just like woke up and he was like kissing my butt i woke up and then i just was eating my ass and then i was just on my stomach and like my legs don't have to be straight wait so you're on your stomach yeah and he was just licking it just putting his face in your ass yeah that is so attractive when a guy's like i want all of you please give me your asshole yeah i'm like oh yeah and then it just becomes

like more options and more fun for all of us that is so unbelievable and it just made me think of this really random fact that made me so i wasn't uncomfortable but i was really fucked up having facetime sex the other night and the guy that i'm talking to that's the sexual one i was showing him my pussy and he's like now let me see your ass listen to how uncomfortable this was and please tell me if you would fucking do this because i ended up doing it i was like oh my god like what if i like shit right now he goes put the camera up to your asshole and i want to see you like push out oh uh-huh and i'm like okay and so he's like push out and i'm like literally push he wants it to be open and then he's like okay now like keep doing it so i'm like pushing my asshole in and out and i'm like how's it going down there like how does she look like fuck i'm like no daddy gang hello are you there um this is literally

becoming so classic of hannah and i because we did this the first time we ever recorded and now it happened again Hannah and I ended up talking for and this is not an exaggeration two straight hours okay that's two full episodes we did not stop talking so there is going to be a part two next week so we're going to be talking about meeting the parents because I did meet in fact the parents um And also we're going to be talking about fighting tactics of like learning basically like, oh, this guy fights so differently than my fucking ex. And then also we are going to be talking about like the dilemma of like, when do you pay?

Do you not pay? What the fuck is their net worth if you can't Google it? I also start talking so casually about threesomes and foursomes because the guy that I'm seeing, we've been talking about it. So there's a lot of drama, a lot of fun stuff happening next week. So obviously stay tuned. If you love Tana, we love her.

I hope you guys enjoyed that episode. I will keep you updated if anything, you know, happens with the wedding. If I decide last minute to go through, i'll bring lauren um also there's a huge fucking update which is that there is a ginormous ginormous merch drop that just happened today for call her daddy you guys have probably seen me on my instagram wearing these sweatpants and this crew neck that's like a matching little sweatsuit and we finally dropped it today there are purple blue pink and gray sets they're honestly the cutest i've been working on them for a while so if you guys want go cop some of those on the

barstool store and then also we have unwell phone cases which are fucking fire i have it on my phone right now and then a bunch of other hoodies etc so go over to barstoolsports.com go to the store and then you guys can shop all the new caller daddy merch I hope you guys love it as much as I do I am living in all of it right now and I'm I'm a walking ad for my own fucking show it's really cute go follow me on Instagram it's Alexandra Cooper go follow Hannah on Instagram it's beingburns b-e-r-n-z I love you daddy gang you know the fucking drill I will see you fuckers. Next Wednesday.