Call Her Daddy - Blacking Out in a City Near You (ft. me)

Episode Date: June 30, 2021

This week, Father Cooper begins by recalling a traumatizing memory from childhood that somehow managed to seep its way into her current relationship. Old habits never truly die and we all pause to witness a moment of regression in our dear daddy. Speaking of relationships, do we dare drop the L word…lube, labia, libido? Clench your assholes as Father Cooper finally and formally introduces Henry to the world (and I say ‘clench’ because I know a certain b-word really fires some of you up). Be sure to stick around for the announcement of Father Cooper’s world tour…yes she is finally taking up her pop star career. Big Al is taking no back seat to hot girl summer and is taking you along with her on her upcoming adventures. Yes, Betty…this tour once again includes a trip to France…god you greedy whores.

Guten tag. Hello. Before you start to masturbate to my voice and really enjoy this episode, Daddy Gang, I know I've said it once, but I'm going to say it again. July 21st, pop quiz, what is the significance of that date? You should know that July 21st, daddy gang call her daddy is going exclusive to Spotify, which means that on July 21st, when you go to open your phone on that lovely Wednesday, July 21st, and if you listen on Apple, you're going to open your phone. It's going to be like Christmas when you got fucking coal, Betty. Okay. It's not going to be a cute look. You're not going to be able to find your dad and that, that let's, let's fix history here. Okay. I'm right here. I'm just on Spotify. Daddy gang, go press follow on Spotify. Literally just type in, call her daddy, click on it,

press follow. And then it will send you notifications when a new caller daddy episode drops. No dad left behind. Just make sure you're following and then nothing is changing. We're going to still keep talking about sucking and fucking, uh, just over on goddamn Spotify. No more Apple, no more. I heart no more, wherever the fuck you listen, Spotify, July 21st. And here you go all in unison how much does it cost nothing it's free okay I love you guys for free Spotify starting July 21st it's the only place that you will be able to listen and see and visit your dad You're welcome. Goodbye. What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Hello, hello, hello, daddy gang.

I'm sitting here. I'm just kind of adjusting myself in the seat hold on I almost just flipped backwards okay okay okay okay here we go welcome to another episode um I need you to do something for me I need you to really get into your time machine we're going back. Okay. Fill of the future, baby. We're going back to a time when I was not young thugging Al. I was awkward Al. Okay. Not great times. Okay. And I'm saying maybe it was like sixth grade. Okay. What were you like in sixth grade, Betty? And I remember at this point in my life, I was watching all the girls around me develop, grow, sprout, if you will, and I kept checking for mine. I would wake up every morning. I would run my hands over them. I would say, are they there yet? I would mark my calendar in my little Polly Pocket book and say, circle a date that I like thought that they would come. I would even ask my brother. I would run into his room and I would barge in and I say, what do you think? Have they come in yet?

And he would feel them. He would touch them and he would say no. And I would have my entire family also do it in unison. And they would always say, no, they're not there. And you know, Lori, my mom, my mother, always trying to console me. And she would say, what's the big deal, Alex? Your brother doesn't have them and he's not complaining. And I would say, mom, no shit. He's a guy. I would see the kids at recess with theirs fully developed and I would just be staring at them creepily. And I would ask if I could touch theirs. And a lot of times they would say no, but I would just still go up and touch them. It was a knee jerk reaction. I couldn't help it. I wanted what they had. I mean, some of them had, some girls had huge ones at that age and it weighed

on my confidence, my femininity. And I remember on my Christmas list one year, the only thing that I asked Santa for was eyebrows. You sick fucks. What did you think I was talking about? My brother and my entire family in unison touched my what? My fucking eyebrows. Okay. And that was also the moment I realized, sorry, kids, Santa's not real. Okay. Santa is not real because my eyebrows never fucking came. They never came in. It was just a big old bushel of blonde peach fuzz. Okay. And this is the thing about not having eyebrows. If you're one of the girls that's stacked, has been stacked from a young age, I'm sorry you can't sympathize. I've always been jealous of you. The thing about not having eyebrows, you realize once you eventually paint them on is, whoa, okay, whoa. There is no divider to break up your forehead when you don't have eyebrows. It's just one big run-on sentence, okay? It's an untouched canvas.

And it's crazy because I repressed those eyebrowless years. Like I remember it's so fucking sad. And this literally sounds extreme, but fuck off. If you have an insecurity, you know, you will go to extreme lengths. I literally would tell my mom, I am not inviting any of the guys I'm talking to over, or I'm not inviting any of my high school friends over until you get rid of the fucking eyebrowless pictures of me all around the house, starting with the fucking fridge. Yes, my family does have pictures on the refrigerator. I don't know what that says about my family, but keep your comments and concerns to yourself. And I would make her literally put the photos away because that person that I used to be with no eyebrows, it's like she became like a distant memory. And the thing is, is that yes, then I learned that you can dye your eyebrows.

But the sad thing is, is that the dye always wears off. So fast forward with me guys, okay? 11 years later and my nightmare was once again unfolding before my eyes. It was the other morning. I woke up, it was like 10 a.m. and I knew in that moment my boyfriend had a meeting from 10 to 11. So he was going to be downstairs zooming and I was like all right it's go time I have not dyed my eyebrows in months because I haven't been able to find an eyebrow woman in LA that I trust yet so I have literally no eyebrows right now and it's shocking because I don't know the last time that I have like literally it's just full blonde and so I have been painting on my eyebrows with an eyebrow pencil so I know he's going to be in a meeting downstairs and so I'm like all right it's go time let's go wash my face and actually wash my face and what I mean by that is I had been not actually washing my eyebrows when he

was around me because I if I wash my actual full face the eyebrows were gonna come off and my boyfriend has never seen me eyebrowless I go into the bathroom and I start washing my face and I'm scrubbing off the like mildew eyebrow this thing has been on for like six days because I've been like living with him in his house and I'm like there's no minute that I'm alone so to take these off and reapply so I go to wash my face and I'm scrubbing and I'm scrubbing and I look up at myself and it's kind of like a like it's it's like the dye is gone the pencil is gone I'm looking at myself and what I've turned into and it's like what is it baldwin boys and i'm literally like looking at myself and i look like an egg and i'm like fuck me whoa like this shit's so crazy like i look like a different

person like i cannot ever look this way as i'm looking at my milky full washed off face I see my boyfriend through the reflection of the fucking mirror walk into the bathroom I just about shit myself I'm like oh he's supposed to be in a fucking meeting I immediately put my face back into the sink I'm like I don't know what else to do so I start washing my face and I'm realizing I'm using like clear soap so I can't be pulling like a fucking Hannah Montana where like she like hits the pie in her fucking face like I don't have anything to cover my face there's no face mask option like I am fucking exposed right now so I have my face down I'm like hitting myself with the water. And I remember in that moment trying to like quickly go into I'm trying to mobilize. I'm trying to mobilize. And I'm like, is there anything around me I just wanted to say like I love you and like kiss you before I have to go into my next meeting. a story of my insides rumbling and faking a fight with my college boyfriend so that he would bring me home so that I could murder my own toilet. And sadly, that was the regressive route that I went.

I lightly tapped into fight mode because it's all I had in me. He's standing over me, hand on back, still waiting. And I go, you are being so fucking clingy. I'm also while like water is like slapping my face. I'm like not letting myself fully like take my head out of the fucking bowl. And I'm like, you're being so clingy. This is just too much. Like, can I at least have one fucking moment to myself to wash my fucking face? You're being so needy.

And it's seriously such a turnoff. My boy, my literally my poor boyfriend is like literally just trying to be like I love you like let me kiss you and I'm like you're clinging and I'm disgusted by your actions right now big boy back up so my poor boyfriend is like shocked and I felt so bad because I remember when I said this like he was so thrown off because and he didn't really say anything and I could tell I had hurt his feelings but I knew in that moment what would have hurt him more if he knew who he was truly dating and what I really looked like so if anything I was protecting him from knowing the real me by the grace of God my boyfriend goes over to the toilet and he starts to pee and I see him whip out his dick and he's peeing and I'm like holy

fucking shit it's go time he has his back to me I'm praying for it to be a long fucking stream and I'm like get something on your fucking face I grab the hand towel I literally just like hit my forehead with it and like slab it on for two seconds and really because at this point I have full soap on my face okay like there's no time to wipe the whole face I'm just going for the eyebrows hit my face put it down I grab my trusty eyebrow pencil and I press. I don't even have time to like get crafty with it. I take this thing. I press so hard down onto my face and I start from the left side of my end of my eyebrow

and I draw a straight one fucking line directly across my forehead I take my pointer finger and go right in between to break up the unibrow make two fucking eyebrows and it literally is like the thinnest stick figure line but at least I got something because at this point I'm like at least I have something it's either eyebrowless or unigirl and I don't know which is worse. So at least I get that. It's a little slice. He turns around. I flung myself onto him. I gave him like a big fucking bear hug. So I was connecting while protecting the face. So I literally like hugging him. My like legs were around him. He's like, this girl is psycho. I literally like hugging him my like legs were around him he's like this girl is psycho I literally was just told I'm being clingy and now she's giving me the most like

romantic movie notebook Noah and Allie run up so I'm now on top of him and I like go to make out with him but again keeping like our faces close quarters never giving him that like like distance enough to really gauge the full parameter of my face I start making out I'm like I love you like I'm I'm gonna just like keep getting ready like love you have a good meeting and then finally the minute I jump down off of him I quickly whip and I go back to pretending to wash my face and he's like okay maybe you should take a bath like you seem like you're in a weird fucking mood. I'm like, I'm fine. OK, I'm fine.

Enjoy your meeting. He leaves. I clear off the unibrow. I sit in dismay for a little bit. I honestly take a little bit more in of my eyebrowless face and kind of humble myself to just remember like what I really look like, who I really am. And then I pick up my phone and I make a microblading appointment. No, I'm just kidding. And I quickly just put my eyebrows back on and I go about my

day. I wanted to tell this story because I don't know. I just felt like it was a humbling moment for me. And so who was I talking about this with the other day? I think it was Lauren. And I was like, it's so crazy because I've had girls write in being like, oh, my God, like, why do I like have sex with a new guy that I'm fucking? And I'm like fully fucking naked in front of this dude, fully getting skull fucked. I'm in weird positions. My belly rolls are rolling and like, I'm fine with it. But now I have to go to the beach with him tomorrow. And I'm fucking terrified to get into a bikini. And it's like, wait, he's seen me naked. Why am I nervous to get into a bikini in front of him? But I can be fucking

leg spread up in the air and like tummies hit my fucking forehead like what's that about and I feel the same exact way as you guys like I'm so fucking comfortable with my boyfriend in the most intimate setting I'm at that point where like I can tell my boyfriend like hi I have to go poop like but this one like the eyebrow thing is where I draw the fucking line. And I know it sounds dumb. Okay. I get it. But I feel like, okay, listen, I have bigger insecurities and more like obvious generic insecurities that a lot of people have, but everyone has that like one random insecurity that's like personal to you. And that like so specific and mine is my fucking eyebrows I remember Lauren I was like telling her about this story and she was like oh yeah yeah yeah

like you know mine and I was like wait what and she's like mine's my big toe and I was like wait I forgot wait really and she's like yeah like don't you recognize I'm always wearing closed fucking shoes my big toe is so fat and there's such a weird symmetry about it. And so I just hate wearing open toed shoes. Again, so specific and may sound dumb, but if you sit with yourself for a minute, instead of being like, I don't like my body shape or I don't like my weight, like there is that one personal thing that is unique to you and you hold close to your heart and is like super fucking debilitating if it starts to get exposed and I feel like even just like telling or saying this story I'm realizing oh my gosh it's crazy also now to reflect and be like whoa it's wild how

far I will go and maybe you guys feel the same of like to conceal that insecurity and as far as faking fucking fights with your boyfriend so he doesn't know and I don't know maybe next therapy session I'll try to get into like what do these eyebrows or lack thereof really like represent in my life so I'll keep you guys updated on that journey. But just know you are not alone when it comes to little nitpicky things that really feel like so much bigger than a little nitpicky thing. You know, as I finish in that story up, I also realized like, my boyfriend doesn't even know that story he fully thinks I was just in a weird mood that day and the beauty of having um a podcast that your boyfriend listens to is hi baby um I guess I'm fully outing myself I don't have eyebrows he's now gonna be like sleeping next

to me and like slowly take a fucking cloth and like try to get it off to be like what does she actually look like this is the truth and you know if you want to break up with me I understand I am terrified of myself so I can only imagine what you think when you see the true reveal let's do a personal update as I'm on this little rant because it's kind of a fun week. I'm feeling a little happy. Just keeps getting better guys. Okay. Summer, hot girl summer. It's all happening. Um, I'm alone right now. My boyfriend broke up with me. I'm just kidding because he heard I don't have eyebrows. I remember when I told you guys about my amazing Malibu car sex and hot girl summer and how I was going to use social settings to fuck my boyfriend. Yeah, no. No. No. My boyfriend just left for a month to go make a fucking movie. And he asked me to go with him.

Begged me. He dangled a lot of things in front of my face. His balls being one of them. And a nice Airbnb. Some presents. Said, hey, we can go shopping when we get there. And I'm going to be real. This is just what it is.

My boyfriend is not going to like Hawaii or the south of fucking France for this movie. And I told him, listen, I love you. But if I go there with you, that will send me into a creative rut. And like, I can't do that to the daddy gang. They don't need London all over again. Okay. They need Alex hit in the streets, being single. We're breaking up. I'm just kidding. So we're about to be apart for a month and let's see what this does to our relationship and how this goes. Hopefully it'll all be okay. Also, I'm realizing as I'm telling these stories, I'm so just so casually just being like, I love you. And he we officially say I love you. And it seems like a weird day to say that out loud on the Call Her Daddy podcast coming from me. I don't know if anyone ever thought I would get there.

And the thing is, is I've said that to guys totally in the past, but it was always so calculated. It was like, hmm, Slim Shady, you're rich. Like, I love that rich dick. Like, you told me you love me and I love you. You're being a cow, but I love you. I love you. And it was always a play of like, my boyfriend in college, I'm like, you are on the men's hockey team. You get invited to the best parties. I fucking love you. And it was like, Alex, that's not the point of loving someone. But at the time, I would use it whether it was to finesse or just even if I didn't feel it, I just knew I had to appease. And so I would use it. Now is the first time in my life that my boyfriend said it first.

And I didn't say it back immediately. And I didn't say it back for about two months. And it was the healthiest thing that I've ever done. Because I feel like old Alex would have been like I love you too you're rich I love you instead I being in therapy was like okay I talked about I immediately he said I love you and I was like hold that thought and I ran into the closet shut the door and like facetimed my therapist and I'm like I'm having a breakdown I actually remember I did that with door number three I will never forget when the first time he ever told me he loved me I was in New York City staying in the Lower East Side in the um oh fuck what is it I forget the fucking hotel name but um and he told me he loved me and I went into the bathroom locked the door and sat on the floor and literally

stayed in there for an hour and cried that is so if anyone's new here if you if you need to just gauge my fucking issues that was my response to a man who was madly in love with me and treated me amazing that was my response to that okay So now you can see the progression. I waited because I knew I was getting there. I knew I was crazy to say falling in love with him, but I needed time and he was so respectful and I really worked through it in therapy to be like, how do I feel? Like, don't force it if it's not there yet. And then I did get there and I told him and our relationship is great. Like it's here we go. Here I am. Like I'm saying I love someone on the podcast. That does not mean, however, that we do not have our issues. Hence this past week, the maturity is bleeding through my fucking bloodstream. That doesn't make sense. My blood is not type A, it's type health. That's the worst. But can you guys tell I don't have writers on

this show yet? My blood type is health. My blood type is health. We got in a fight this past week and I was itching to tell you guys about what the fight was about no it was actually a really intense fight and my boyfriend um I kind of was telling him like what this episode was about to be about and I was like and then I'm gonna say we got into a fight and he just said like Alex please do not podcast about this like come on and I remember in that moment being kind of like well then give me something to podcast about flip me over bitch like oh wait you can't you're in a different fucking country and I was like okay like fuck And I think in that moment, I compromised and I was like, okay, I'm going to say there was a fight, but I'm not going to get into detail. And I hope you guys can respect that. Like I always, I try to be as open as possible with you on the show. And I literally tell you guys

how far the dick was down my throat to the point of throwing up and what chunks were in that throw up in that moment. But this, I think, made me realize when I was sitting down to podcast today, I was like, wow, I guess this is why I say I love him. This is why we say that to each other is because there's a boundary and I'm willing to put his needs, not above content, but like side by side and find a compromise. Again, I'm telling you there was a fight. I'm not going to tell you what it was about. And I think that's growth. And my therapist would love to see it. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm like, ooh, the tongue, the tongue, the tip of the tongue, the fight started like this no growth there has been like a furry little creep not little a big fat furry little creature on my instagram and everyone's like alex didn't you get a dog like

alex like is that your dog and like where did it come from and the thing is is he is my boyfriend's dog and now kind of my dog okay and his name is Henry and he's fucking perfect and everyone's shitting on me because in the past I made comments about people who make dog accounts and type pretending to be their dog and make fucking captions being like, woof woof, hello, this is me Henry. I'm so- dude, Henry sounds like a fucking pussy. Hello, woof woof, this is me Henry. Hello, this is me Henry. Today, my mom took me to the dog park. Super excited, I get to sniff some butts. I'm really hoping she gives me a little extra treat today. I'm trying to stock up and get fucking fatter. Also, my first feeling extra luscious. I think I'm asexual. I can't tell. Or is it just because my dad clipped my balls? I'm not sure, but I don't have the urge to hump. And I see other

dogs at the park trying to stick her in. I, however, just want to lick my own dick and do you see what I'm fucking saying? Stop writing fucking captions. But now as I'm saying this, I think it could really get crafty. My boyfriend is like, fuck right off. Never making Henry. Actually, he said I could, but I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm not making him an Instagram caption. I think that good single Instagram.

I think that would single handedly ruin my entire career. But please knock it the fuck. Oh, yeah, here we go. I think that would single-handedly ruin my entire career, but please knock it the fuck. Oh yeah, here we go. I missed that. Knock it off. Okay. Knock it the fuck off. Knock it off. Okay. Thank you. Stop fucking typing for your dog. You can post pictures of your dogs. Just don't pretend you are one. Okay. But I do apologize if I offended any dog owners. I now see it. Like I love this creature.

I wish I could marry this creature. I'd like this creature probably more than my boyfriend. And Henry is everything. And I, so I do apologize a lot of accountability I mean the other week we had me taking accountability saying I apologize high-waisted bikinis you heard it here first are back in the summer girls they're flying off the shelf now and I apologize for that and now I'm taking accountability and this is my this is my formal apology to all dog owners. I'm sorry. It's uncomfortable saying it. Can you hear like the shrewdness of my voice? I'm like,

I'm sorry. So yeah, I'm sorry. But also the cherry on top is Henry is staying with me while my boyfriend is in another country. I'm keeping the dog. Damn it. What is that thing from Legally Blonde? I'm taking the dog. My boyfriend let me keep him while he went away. So Henry and I have been just chilling, having great time in bed together. Everyone's going to be pissed off i remember hanging out with jackie shimmel the other week in malibu and she was like the dms that i get for bestiality about my dog and i was like oh jackie let me tell you a little fucking story i have seen my name next to the word bestiality many a times. Okay. And I'm going to tell you a little story, daddy gang. When I was in London, um, many months ago, I was with Mr. Sexy Zoo Man, my boyfriend. And this was before I had never posted Henry on my story.

And I didn't want anyone to know who I was dating. And I still don't, but I know some people already know. But at the time, no one knew. Okay. And I was, it was a late night in London and I was getting fucking hammered with my boyfriend. And we are drinking a lot of tequila and I'm eating chips and salsa. I'm living my best life. And I have a secret personal Instagram that only my boyfriend and my like super close friends follow. Okay. And in my drunken, drunken, drunken state, I kept feeding Henry like little bits of

chips. Okay. And don't come for me now being like, you're feeding him people food. Fuck off. Okay. They were organic. So, um, gluten-free. So it literally doesn't matter. Okay. So I'm eating this chip and I lean over and I record Henry licking this chip off my tongue. And I go to post this video of us essentially making out, like who gives a fuck? Like I'm pretty sure, what is that thing? Like dogs mouths and tongues are cleaner than humans. I'm sure Rebecca, you've sucked a gonorrhea infested fucking dick you whore and then like licked your lips after. Okay. Henry is sanitized and fucking clean and doesn't have an STD like you. So I start making out with him. I put my tongue out so he can start like basically licking my tongue and I realized that I had just uploaded Henry licking

my tongue to my Instagram account with 2.2 million people. In this moment, my first reaction was I didn't actually give a fuck. I didn't see anything wrong actually with him making out with me. The issue was I didn't want anyone to know about Henry because I knew that they're love you bitches, but I knew there were stalkers out there that would be able to find my boyfriend if they found the dog. Okay. And in that moment, I deleted this video the minute it went uploading the minute it uploaded. And this was the moment that I knew, I swear to fucking God, I don't know what the app is. I don't know what it is, but I swear there are people that have some ability. The minute I fucking upload something, they're like, they like are able to screen, screen record it because someone got the video it was literally up for 30 seconds like this video

was up for not even 30 seconds and somehow some asshole screen recorded it and started to post it on twitter and was typing alex cooper bestiality making out with this poor dog and then people started dming me saying we're gonna report you hashtag free henry bestiality you sick fuck blah blah blah blah blah blah so that was the inaugural um introduction to henry meeting the world and then people really ran with it. And so the thing is, is I stand by, I feel there is nothing wrong with what I chose to let that dog do to my mouth. And I'm going to continue to post videos of Henry making out with me and just to piss you guys off and I'm going to post it on OnlyFans. So the only way that you can get this bestiality video and upload it to talk shit is you have to fucking pay for it. Okay. You're going to pay to be pissed and I'm going to be fucking getting richer so who's winning bitch can you guys tell I love

Henry and I'm really going fucking ape shit because it makes me mad so anyways Henry and I fuck Henry and I have a good time Henry and I are chilling and Henry and I are good what's up with you guys so here's the thing I'm gonna be going to kick it, keep it real with you guys. Okay. I have been spending since a little bit before I released that first episode, um, the Spotify announcement. I have been sitting in my pool house that I've now turned into, um, my recording studio and I've been staring at the wall and I have been speaking to you guys and I have been prepping all of you guys lubing you all up for hot girl summer and I loved every second of it okay but when I step when I took a step away from the microphone the other day

sometimes I forget as much as I'm speaking to you guys. Sometimes I need to take my own advice. And I realized I'm sitting here telling you all go live your hot girl summer. But like, so should I. I was like, wait, my boyfriend's leaving for a month. This is so depressing. I'm going to eat Cheetos and wait, my boyfriend's leaving for a month. This is so depressing. I'm going to eat Cheetos and sit on my fucking couch and like watch TV. No, I need to be out there living my fucking life this summer.

I need to actually go do, I need to be on the ground doing the hard hitting research. I want to come talk to you guys. Like, I literally want to meet you guys and have you guys speak into my fucking phone and upload it and be like, met Daddy Gang at the bar. This was the vibe at the bar that night. Like, I don't know. I just feel like this summer needs to be about going out and enjoying ourselves. And as much as I usually put pressure on myself to be like, all right, what am I going to

talk about this week? What is the segment? I feel like the when the podcast is at its best is when I'm being as genuine as I can be and genuinely like I can feel myself not getting into a creative rut but I know myself enough to know I would get in one if I just keep sitting in LA all summer and what would I fucking talk about? My mom and dad are here and my boyfriend's away. And so Alex will not play.

Nope. Nope. Big Al's hitting the streets. So to give you guys a fucking update on. Well, what does that mean? Where are we going, Alex? Daddy gang. daddy gang your bitch is officially returning to new york city new york here i fucking come i'm so excited i really can't put it into words what i feel about this upcoming trip i could shed a tear it's making me emotional. It's making me cry. Just knowing the relationship I had with New York before I left last time, I was like,

get me the fuck out of here. I didn't even want to watch my apartment get packed up. I was like, I'm getting on a plane, like someone take care of it. Like I can't look at this shit. And now I'm like that fucking pathetic loser that cheated on their significant other. And now I'm crawling back and I'm begging for forgiveness that I left. And I want you back, baby. New York, I love you. Probably, I'll hate to say it, probably more than Los Angeles, California. Love LA.

Love the sunshine. But you guys know I'm a vampire. I'm not one for the sunshine. Like I like being inside. I like knowing the sun shines out there, but I don't like the fucking sun on my face. I want to look like I'm 30 years old, but I'm 60. I don't want wrinkles. I don't want skin cancer. Me, myself, and I in the dark dungeon that is my life. So I'm not saying I'm moving back there. Maybe I may buy a place there one day. But for now, I'm going to be returning with my vagina spread open, lips clipped to the side of my thighs, wide open, flapping in,

and I'm coming back for you, New York. So here's the game plan. And not only the plan, but the goal of this trip is to make you feel like you are on it with me. I'm about to enter into a two week bender. And who do you think is going to be by my side while I fully indulge and black out. No, no blacking out, responsible blacking out. Big old Lauren. Lauren is meeting me in New York to begin this bender. So let me take you guys through like how this is going down. Wednesday, when this episode is released, I am getting on a flight from Los Angeles and I am landing in New York. Lauren's flight gets in ahead of me. She's going to wait for me. We're going to take a car to our hotel and we are going

to get ready for a night in New York City. And it feels so fucking good. Like, sorry, love you, LA, but like New York nightlife, there's nothing fucking like it. And I'm so excited to go out. So I have a dinner planned with my friend Lexi and Elizabeth and Lauren, and the four of us are going to go get dinner. And then I said to all of them, listen, ladies, I know you may think things have changed. Alex doesn't want to club anymore. Not tonight, baby. We're going to marquee. I swear to God, I literally texted shout out Alex promoter, Alex Smith. I literally texted him and was like, hi. He's like, oh my God, what, what? He's like, the last text messages above our text messages are like me drunkenly being like, which side of the line should I go to? Like that was my promoter in New York. And I texted him and I said, I'm coming back, baby. Marquis on Wednesday. And he's like, Jesus Christ, you are coming back from the dead. So I just want to go like, why not relive, especially after like telling that story last week, I was like, I got to go back.

So Wednesday night, I'm going to be in the city. And then Thursday, Laren and I are getting picked up and we are driving, hopefully by that time, our skinny asses to the Hamptons. We're going to the Hamptons. We got an Airbnb. Everyone it feels like is about to be in the Hamptons this fucking weekend for the 4th of July. My really good friend, Andy, who I played soccer with my whole life. She's going to be there. I was also, that was one of the girls. If you follow me on Instagram, I was posting her. Um, she was in Kentucky for the wedding. She fortunately didn't fly spirit airlines, shout out. Um, and so she's going to be there and all of her friends are gonna be there then my good old friend who has been on the podcast Paige DeSorbo and then after that I

also have my friend if you guys follow me um on like YouTube I always post this guy Grant he's my good friend and he's also going to be in the fucking Hamptons. It is about to be a fucking time. And this is my thought process. And let me know, DM me if you guys are like, what? But I, in the spirit of wanting you to feel like you're literally a part of this trip with me, I think it's best if I almost make next week's episode like a vlog style. Okay. Stick with me here. I'm almost thinking like I want to almost document each part of this trip, whether it's at the airport. Maybe I, maybe I've got another spirit moment. I'm not flying spirit. Thank God. I may will be going Delta, but who knows? Maybe something will happen there. Record it. Then get to New York, go out with my friends at Marquee. Maybe something will

also happen there. And so in spurts, just, I'm going to keep recording little segments throughout to keep you guys updated so that you know, every detail of crazy shit that's happening. And I'm going to try to just do no rerecords. Also, I'm going to bring my phone out with me in the Hamptons. So if something's happening, some hard hitting dramas going down at a house or at the bar, I'm going to be on the ground live reporting it and hopefully run into Daddy Gang and you can record stuff on my phone. And we're just going to make this a big fucking party episode, baby. So daddy gang, get excited because after that, the party is not stopping, baby. Okay. Because daddy gang, big lair and I are heading over to Chicago. What? All my Chicago daddies get the fuck ready. Do you guys remember in the season finale of the single father era? I said to you, the only thing I know about Chicago is there's gotta be some good Midwest

dick over there and there are boats. That's all I knew. And now I have almost an entire five days planned in Chicago with Lauren, my friend, Kristen, and all of Lauren's friends that she's made. And it's about to be a fucking time. What are we going to be doing in Chicago? I'm so, I'm so glad you asked. Um, I still don't know anything other than boats and hoes and, and what else was there? Bars? Oh, Midwest deck. Right, right. Oh, which Lauren has confirmed. there is in fact something in the water but um listen the plan is you guys know Lauren she gets crafty with it baby shower rave like the whole vibe and the party that she wants to host is called she said we're gonna have a shindig Alex and I said okay it's like we're gonna hang out she said no we're gonna have a shin dig at my apartment and

by that I mean everyone has to come into the party with shin guards this is like so stupid people are like okay and if you don't wear shin guards to the party we get to kick people's shins do you love Lauren McMullen or do you love Lauren McMullen so there will be a lot of cute little thongs cute little sundresses in my little luggage but on top of that placed right underneath my extensions i'm just kidding i don't have clippings anymore um will be on top my soccer shin guards see you in chicago daddies if you're looking for a shindig shingard party, hit us up. Oh, and also remember last week when I casually said one day I will be getting a PJ. Well, that may be getting checked off the list sooner than I expected because this world tour is potentially also going overseas.

It's not a World Tour, baby, unless we charter up the PJ. I actually don't know if I'm going to take a PJ actually out of the country. That would be like, here's my entire Spotify paycheck for one flight. Not that cute. But we can dream. We can dream big, baby, okay? The World Tour tour anything is possible if you just believe um but we may be going i was trying to do a drum roll that sounded like

someone was knocking it sounds like the bout the bouncer from last week at marquee also shout out hopefully i see you there um we may be going to motherfucking Ibiza. Ibiza? Ibiza. Ibiza. Why does it now not sound like a word? Ibiza. We may be going to Ibiza, baby.

And if I do decide to invest in a private jet, sounds like I'm buying one. No, it would just be renting. Shout out to any private jet companies who want to sponsor me. I definitely think this summer is going to be the time and place that it's worth it. it would just be renting um shout out any private jet company you want to sponsor me um i definitely think this summer is going to be the time and place that it's worth it um and we're also potentially going to vegas which is very fun and denver to see another one of my friends so

daddy gang this summer we're really dipping our toes into different water and i cannot wait to be seeing all of you there i will be letting you guys know what bars I'm at what booze and brunches I'm at and um if you want to book your flight to Ibiza I'll give you the dates sit there calm down and get ready because you're going on a fucking bender with big Al or I guess it's cooler to be like you're going on a bender with your dad. I'm a cool dad. A dilf. I would. Hello, I would like to buy a ticket to the Call Her Daddy World Tour.

Oh, ma'am, let me just document that. How many tickets? Okay. Can I get your credit card information? Okay. And how many luggage bags will you be taking with you today? Okay. An entire bag filled with alcohol?

Okay. Okay. Okay. And where is your first stop going to be? Oh, well, Father Cooper always, she promised us that the first place that she would ever take us for a field trip would be also a little, a little place that I like to go. Questions of the week, baby. Questions of the motherfucking week, baby. Questions of the week.

We're going on a world tour, baby. And not just to France. We're going to Spain. tour baby and not just to france a visa we're going to spain hasta luego motherfuckers let's go to a little place i like to go with jules of the motherfucking weak baby truck i think you guys like that terminator um the other week guys we're just we're easing in. Nothing just happened. Henry's literally sitting next to me being like, bro, what the fuck? Everybody just calm down. Nothing happened.

You didn't see that. It's like a blackout. We pretend that never happened. Welcome to questions of the week, daddy gang. Let's just get right fucking into it, okay? I've been talking to this guy and we've been hooking up as well. The other night I was super drunk and I made out with someone else as well as with my girlfriend and also was cuddling with another guy.

Girl, you got busy. I love to see it. And the guy that I'm talking to wasn't there. I had plans with him a couple of days later and he's been ignoring me. I have a feeling that he knows because honestly, they're all snitches. What do I do now? Do I keep texting him? Do I just forget about it? Do I apologize? Because we've only seen each other a short time. So I actually don't owe him any loyalty yet. Okay. Two things come to mind. Number one, I have been in this situation before where like I got so in my head and I hooked

up with, um, this was not when we were dating. This was like when we had like a reunion, I hooked up with Slim Shady's teammate and we, Slim Shady and I had like reconnected like years after we were actually dating so don't be like oh my god like you cheated on him um and I remember we were supposed to hang out the next day and he like wasn't texting me in the morning and I was like oh my god he knows oh my god they're conspiring oh my god they're gonna tweet about it oh my god oh my god and I was freaking out I was in my head being like okay okay like let me think of like how I can plan to like not let him know that yeah this dick was in my mouth last night but can I like blame it on something like no I didn't think it was him I thought it was someone else that looks like your teammate I swear he wasn't texting me all day and I literally

was gaining up the courage to text him and then I hip checked myself and I was like Alex you could be so in your fucking head right now he may not even fucking know and you're about to throw yourself under the bus being like I'm sorry I sucked his dick turns out he had no idea and he texted me like hey babe sorry like I was at a workout like what are your plans today like want to go to a brunch and I'm like as we go on yes yes I was like yes and then I went and sucked his dick that night and it was a perfect little double entendre and it was a perfect moment for me to be like wow don't ever play your fucking hand if you don't know for sure if they have proof so that's number one number two if he does know I personally think acting completely normal

is the way to go texting him like you would normally text him and if he's not answering like you're saying he's been ignoring you then then you literally go ghost. If he's pissed about that, you do not send him a text about it because he's being a little bitch boy by not texting you about it. You owe him nothing. It's one thing. If you guys had been exclusive and you did this, you guys are just casually talking. So if he's butthurt about this, he can be man enough to text you. Okay. And you can just be like, I did nothing wrong. So go about your life, live your life, and you don't need to apologize and you don't

need to own up to anything. However, if you want to take the route of you do want to text him, you can more so just say, hey, is something wrong? Like I'm confused. Like why all of a sudden you're just like being ghost. And just address it head on, but don't say what you did. You did nothing wrong. That's like you're admitting to something that's literally like you're allowed to be doing.

So let him own that he's insecure and he's upset about something that you too had never established was even a thing. Let him own that. You don't need to. Hey, fathers. So I firmly believe in not asking men their body count rule. They always exaggerate or get weird and honestly I don't really care. However, I've been dating my boyfriend for a hot minute now and at this point it kind of feels weird like something I want to know about him so that I can know him better if that makes sense it could be zero or a thousand I really don't care but I don't know if it's ever cool to ask a significant other

do you know your boyfriends how should I go about this I know every single woman that my boyfriend has had sex with and I'm so proud of the work that I did to get that information. This is an interesting question because no, I would never ask a guy his body count, but you can absolutely get that number kind of by asking it a complete different way. So if you guys remember when I went on one of my like, I would think it was my second or third date with Mr. Sexy Zoo Man um he had asked me a question and I strategically offered up a tiny bit of personal information like alluding to an ex I think it was something about like when you were in New York and I was like oh yeah I had lived with a boyfriend so I was kind of offering up personal information but that would be the last of the

night and I used that to then transition and although I did it too creepy like don't do what I did but what I ended up being like is was like um what about you like who are your ex-girl I'm pretty sure I literally said who are your ex-girlfriends? I'm pretty sure I literally said, who are your ex-girlfriends? Like, can you pull them up on Instagram? That's not the way to do it. But what I did is I slowly got the list and a picture and social security number of every single girl he ever dated. I think this is the thing. And I would love to have an open conversation about this. You guys DM me. I think it kind of, you almost kind of bite yourself in the ass if you wait too long to ask your partner this question. Because like as you start to date, it just gets like you're more in it.

And then there's like more weight on the question whereas I feel if you are in in the minute you start dating someone like going out on dates with him or her my advice would be bring it up so casually and knock it out right away like oh like what about you like what's your dating history like do you have any girlfriends that like you dated in Chicago? Or do you have any girlfriends you dated in LA or New York, like wherever you live, and bring it up? Because it's kind of like not creepy at all in the beginning. Like you literally have gone on one date so far. And you're like, asking about his dating history. Again, don't be like, so what is your longest relationship like that's heavy it's more of just like a oh like have you like have you had a serious relationship here like more light and

then slowly start to fucking dig in if that makes sense i don't know i know in the past i've been like don't ask their body count i still stand by that don't fucking do that but you can ask in a roundabout way about their dating history by first offering up yours a little bit so it's like a fun open conversation yeah that's kind of my advice how do I shove my finger up my boyfriend's ass with acrylics this is a serious concern for me. Sweetie, you don't. My first bit of advice is, one, take them off. But if you're not going to, here we go, Susan. If you have the acrylics that are like the square top, not anymore, honey, okay? Not anymore. That square is a little too jagged on the sides that to slip into the asshole. it's more of like a little pooper scooper and you could really like cut the corners of that asshole a little rigid bitch sliding in

i don't think so so you're gonna need to go with more not the then like pointed jagger dagger you know you see those girls where it's like ow like you could literally like pierce someone's fucking ear with the top of that thing we're going more smooth sailing down the freeway a little curvature up at the top it starts to get narrow and then it's a light little like oval almost okay that's what your nails look like now sweetheart also this is the truth um I'm gonna go as far to say men close your ears ladies when we have acrylics on if I eat a bag of Cheetos if I eat one fucking chip if I fucking wipe the cream cheese off my mouth shit gets literally now shit gets so stuck in your acrylics like deep in the bottom between your real nail and the acrylics you're gonna be walking around smelling like shit if you're putting your acrylics fucking finger up

your boyfriend's ass and that's a journey that i respect if you're willing to take it but just keep in mind that the brown shit in your fucking finger may not all fully come out even after a good wash of your hands until like you get them removed yeah what what if you like literally the first time you go to do it put on a fucking glove and do like nurse role play he's like why are you wearing blue gloves you're like literally like fully naked and then you like strap on like helga like you put on fucking blue gloves and you're like sit down baby it's time for your rexel exam and he's like jesus fucking christ my girlfriend is a legend how to get back into the dating game after a string of bad casual casual relationships slash hookups i took a break from dating which turned into an extended

break an extended break because of quarantine i'm feeling pretty done with dating apps since 99% of the guys on there either aren't even close to being my type or are pure trash. How the fuck do I get back into the dating game? Help me, Father Cooper. Especially since I suffer from social anxiety. It's been hard. Okay. Totally sympathize with you here um I think the thing about especially using what's going on in the world to your advantage is number one people maybe that also maybe that didn't suffer from social anxiety before I do think there are as much as I like glamorize like we're going back out into the summer I think there are a lot of people that like felt fully actually at peace and themselves during quarantine like I think introverts were like oh my god like I could have this be forever

like this is I'm getting comfortable so I understand also now not only just the world opening back up but like oh now go date too it's like oh fuck my advice would be I think that sometimes once you get like on a good whim and you're like oh I want to go on hinge because you're like in the mood to go on a date I think that's more the vibe I think what you need to start doing is you need to be meeting people in person because if you go out with your friends to a bar or you don't want to go out to a bar maybe you don to be meeting people in person because if you go out with your friends to a bar or you don't want to go out to a bar maybe you don't want to meet this person in a setting where it's like drinking maybe you're just like at a coffee shop maybe you're in the fucking

library or you're on a walk or you're working out like wherever you are I think it's better to try to meet someone in person there's way less pressure there's no expectation of time that you have to stay and say you meet someone at a bar and you start hitting it off then it's up to you if you want to give the person your number and if you want to pursue a section second option and if you don't you go to the fucking bathroom and you leave with your friends or you leave or if you were there by yourself I remember even I was talking to Lauren the other day about she had a date and she was like not nervous but she was just like oh like it's just it it never like ceases to amaze me like the little jitters you get before first date and she had told me that they were going to like get drinks before dinner and I was like wait

Lauren like are you sure you want to do that? And she was like, wait, what do you mean? Like he had said, like, we're going to go to this one bar first. And I was like, wait, that's like a lot of time to be with someone. Like, think about that. You're like, what if at drinks you're like, okay, we've literally covered like our past dating history. We've talked about where we're from. We talked about what we're majoring in school. And like, now what do we talk about? So I was like, wait, maybe just say like, I'm running late. Let's just either pick dinner or drinks. Like just pick one because that's too much for a first date. You're literally going to be like, wait, I want to get out of here. So my advice to everyone

reentering the dating game is take pressure off yourself that you feel like you need to like conventionally fit into a box of like going on these dates of course listen I want you all to get a dinner paid for and like wind and dined but not if it's giving you anxiety then just like go casually meet someone and don't put too much pressure on it and just organically meet someone in a place that you feel comfortable that is going to be best for you as a guy with a dad bod and a low self-esteem how do I approach women out of my league listen listen to me Harold you have nothing to worry about honestly I don't really give a fuck about a guy's body like yes of

course if it's like whoa like you really aren't taking care of yourself and it's like unhealthy but I don't fucking expect a guy to have like rock hard abs like I care about that network baby so no you need to just remind yourself that girls are way better than men in terms of we actually care way more about personality than looks me and my advice to you would be okay you have a dad bod that low self-esteem only you know you have low self-esteem when you are going and approaching a woman out of your league what do you have to lose okay so she turns you down you already have low self-esteem buddy we can't get any fucking lower like you gotta just go into it sorry it's like no but it's true like think about it and be like okay you're gonna take a chance and matt what is

that fucking sports analogy you may miss a hundred of the shots or 99 shots you take but that one baby you all of a sudden fucking lock in a hot model who's like, I want to slap that dad bod around. And I love that dad bod because I love your personality and your genuineness. Like the truth is, I think that a lot of people are coming out of quarantine, realizing like your body and your looks don't matter as much. And actually someone that's like a good fucking hang is key. And so if I were you, I would take that into consideration what are your strengths what do you like about yourself and then go off of that and go into those settings and approaching a woman out of your league and be like you know what I'm gonna lead with this because she's

probably dated the fucking fireman with the washboard abs before and clearly if she's single that didn't work out so maybe she's also looking for a change up and you my dad bod baby you could be you could be the one she could be the one is that miley cyrus shout out okay daddy gang that is it for this week's episode i hope you learned something i hope you felt something um it's about to be a good couple weeks I hope that you guys have subscribed on Spotify because if not it's just the betrayal of the summer um and I love you guys and I hope that you guys keep writing in questions your questions have been fire lately DM them to um the call her daddy Instagram I'm setting up a new website for you guys to write

in questions and that will be coming soon. And a lot of other things also coming soon. July 21st, guys, the only place you can listen to Call Her Daddy is going to be on Spotify. So please go follow, follow, follow, turn on your notifications so you get a little ping. New Call Her Daddy bitches. Like I said earlier, get fucking ready. Get your little swimsuits on. Get your swimmies on. If you can't swim, it's okay. I don't even go in the water because I'm fully spray tanned all summer and God forbid that rubs off. Daddy gang, we're going on the world tour and you're fucking coming with me. Get excited. Get your fucking koozies out. Get your beer, get your vodka, get your tequila or get your fucking water. Because like my mother always said

to me in high school, and I always told her to go fuck herself. But now listen, you don't need to drink to party. Okay. So if you're not going to get blackout, you can still feel that vibe. I love you all. It's about to be a great fucking summer. You know the motherfucking drill. I will see you fuckers next Wednesday. Bye.