Call Her Daddy - Cheers Bitches - Extra Dirty with Hallie Batchelder

Episode Date: December 5, 2024

Daddy Gang! I present to you the first episode of EXTRA DIRTY, a new Unwell podcast hosted by Hallie Batchelder, and you're in for a wild ride. Hallie kicks off this weekly spill sesh strong: how being a chubby kid made her funny, becoming a muse for a Canadian's wild fantasy, the (very honest) scoop on her cosmetic work, why she got her real estate license, and the secrets of her parents' rock-star romance. Of course, she could not do it alone: so listen in to hear what special guests stop by. Hint: one of them just rolled out of her bed from the night before... So whether you're here to laugh, gasp, or join the sh*t talking, pour up a drink and dive into the debauchery. Muah muah!Be sure to follow @extradirty on socials & follow Extra Dirty wherever you get your podcasts to listen in each week. Cheers bitches!

Daddy gang. What's up fuckers? It is your father. I am here to feed you You guys are always asking for more content and so I present to you another podcast Episode one of extra dirty you guys just listened to Hallie Batchelder on caller daddy and now she's officially launching her own podcast I am so excited for you guys to go on this journey with Hallie. I am Obsessed with her. She has the craziest stories She lives in New York City and I just know it is about to be a wild ride. So enjoy, sit back, relax and maybe have a cocktail for this one. Listen to the first episode of Extra Dirty. Enjoy. Hi, my little fucking freaks. Okay, guys, I'm doing something really fucking stupid right now.

We have an emergency debris situation. Hi, this is Halle from the streets of New York. Guys, I had every intention of staying in last night. Welcome to my podcast. Welcome to Extra Dirty. I am so fucking excited to be here with you guys. I know it's taken a minute. I know it's taken a long minute,

but guys, perfection takes time. I was gonna come out with something that's like fucking shitty and like I would have to redo and like, it was kind of ass, like whatever. I wanted this to be perfect for you guys. Like I was just being a woman of the people at this point. Okay? This podcast is gonna be so graphic, so horrendous,

so dirty, so slutty. You're gonna look at me so differently. Please keep your AirPods on when you're listening to this podcast. I will say, do not listen to it at church. Do not listen to it at a classroom. Do not listen to it in front of your parents unless your dad is single.

Please, for the love of God, strap in. We're gonna have a fucking fun time. I'm so happy to be here. It's gonna be epic. I like might get canceled, okay? But if I do get canceled, guys, I wanna be canceled for like a really hot controversial like athlete or maybe some like hedge fund guy

that's gone arrested. I don't know, like something interesting, but like not too deep. We'll get into that later. But anyways, welcome to Extra Dirty. This podcast will not only be extra dirty, but probably most of the time I'll be still like living on the fumes of my night before as I have consumed like 100 extra dirty martinis. Like they'll still be in my system as I sit here and talk to you guys.

If you guys don't know me, you know, I kind of just like fell into social media. I started posting on TikTok like a year, a year and a half ago. And honestly, I was just making that platform more of like my private story. Honestly, I was like, no one's like being honest on this fucking platform. Like no one's like telling the truth or like showing any flaw at all. Everything's just like a perfect little clean girl aesthetic image of what their life is. And that is just not what life's about. Life is fucking rough.

Anyways, all that shit was very short formatted content. And I was like, I feel like I could yap for hours about like what's going on in my mind. So here we are. Another fake blonde with a podcast. I apologize. But like here we are. Like I'm not that mad. I feel like on TikTok, I'm so like ambiguous. Like what's going on with my like love life. I'm not that mad. I feel like on TikTok, I'm so ambiguous, like, what's going on with my love life. I'm very good about, you know, dropping little hints there and here. Like, I definitely sleep around and I make that known, but I'm never name dropping. I'm not like a fucking weird freak. So the thing is, with what I do and me just talking and doing debriefs online, I have a lot of men being like, I want to stay as far away from this bitch as humanly possible,

because I fear I might talk about them online. I will. But, like, I'm only going to talk about you if you give me something, like, to talk about. Usually, like, these men, they, like, piss me off, and they think they can do whatever. Hi. Sorry, I'm here to talk about it. Why not?

So what is going on in my love life right now? My most recent conquest. I call them conquests, because what else are they? I made the mistake of hooking up with this man. He was in the entertainment industry, which by the way, stays humanly far. Oh, wait, am I in the, wait, I'm concerned. This is the entertainment industry, right?

For, oh fuck. He was in the entertainment industry and like red flag number one. I feel like those men are just super narcissistic. Their egos are bigger than my fake tits. Like it's just a lot of narcissism. Let's call him Old Spice. I'm gonna give a code name for the man.

Let me wet my whistle before I tell this fucking story. ASMR. Let me wet my whistle before I tell this fucking story. ASMR. Also guys, look at my coaster. It says cock. All right, let's talk about it. Okay, so I met this guy. We got introduced in the middle of the summer, whatever,

and he was fucking hot. Like he was sexy, and honestly I don't regret a fucking thing because of how sexy he was. And I'm the type of girl that I see a hot guy and say we connect. I will sleep with that man that night. I don't feel bad about that.

I feel like that's pretty normal, but just no one says that. Like that's okay. And I don't see why that's frowned upon. I feel like that's good work ethic. Like you see your prey, go get it. Like go get it. So anyways, we met. He wouldn't sleep with me upon first meet, which is probably a green flag for him.

I'll give him that. Probably a red flag for me that I was super pissed off about it. So I never thought I'd see this man again. Anyways, I get a phone call like two days after. I mean, I never thought I would talk to this man again. And I missed two phone calls like from this man. I was like, okay, he must got like in a car accident. I don't know what happened.

So I go, is everything okay? I was in the middle of moving, whatever. And he was like, no, I just wanted to hear your beautiful voice. I'm like, this voice, this vocal fry? You gotta be fucking kidding me. From then on, we started talking. He would call me for like two hours every night.

And I don't talk on the phone. I'm also like a horrible fucking texter. Like text me if you're making plans, or someone died or if a baby was made. But other than that, like please do not bother me. So anyways, we would talk on the phone because this man was fucking hot. So we'd talk on the phone for two hours a night and he would tell me all these stories. He'd be like, what's your hobbies? Baby? Yeah, yeah. And I was like hobbies? I don't have fucking hobbies. I go out, I drink a little, and then I do what I need to do to make money, and then I watch reality TV and rock and peace.

But anyways, he called me up and he goes, I wrote this beautiful short story about you and you were my muse. And I'm like, what the flying fuck are you talking about? But anyways, obviously I wanted to hear the story guys. The story was the most insane thing I've ever fucking heard of honestly, I hope it goes into production because what? So this is the story you told me goes,

so like this couple, they meet on a farm. This guy works at a gun range. He teaches people, I'm just giving you guys the bullet points, he teaches people how to shoot guns essentially,, they get set up, they go on a date, and she's like, what do you do? He's like, I shoot guns. She's like, this prim and proper bitch. And she's like, oh, I hate guns.

I'm so scared of guns, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They fall in love, whatever. He goes to work and she starts stealing the guns out of his cabinet and starts fucking herself with the gun. And I was like, I don't understand how we got, how am I the muse? and starts like fucking ourselves with the gun. And I was like, I don't understand how we got, how am I the muse? I was like, how am I the muse to this fucking story?

I do not understand. But anyways, this girl is stealing this man's guns, taking them out of the cabinet and using them as a big fucking massive rifle dildo. I was like, okay, continue. The end of the story is he walks back into his apartment or his ranch, I don't know, they're on a fucking ranch. And she's fucking herself with the fucking massive rifle.

And he's like, what the fuck? And she was like, oh my God, caught off guard and accidentally pulls the trigger and blows her head off through her body out of her head. I was like, oh, he likes me. Oh my God. I was like, what the actual fuck? It was the weirdest thing ever.

But honestly, me being the person I'm demented to in the head, I was like, this might be a match made in heaven. Anyways, he invites me, let's call it Canada. He invites me to Canada. Okay, beautiful old Canada. I go, okay, let me just grab my bar, let's call it Canada, he invites me to Canada. Okay, beautiful old Canada. I go, okay, let me just grab my bar, let's go. And I stay out there for like a week or so,

and we eventually, like the first night, we didn't hook up, but he brought me to this weird ass three hour cinematic movie masterpiece, and then just drops me off my hotel. And I was like, I did not fly and take a kayak and a train and a bus and roller skates to get here for you to not fuck me. So now I was pissed. And I was like, what is this?

I feel like I was getting punked. I was waiting for production to pop out with the little cameras and be like, what the flying fuck? But no, the next day he was like, I have to build rapport with someone before I engage in sexual activity. And I was like, okay, like we get it. Like take your pants off. I don't, it was getting frustrating just because I was like,

I didn't spend all this money and fly all this way, or it'd be for the hotel, but I didn't spend all this money and fly all this way for us to not be doing cartwheels in your bedroom. So anyways, the second night and all the nights from there on, we ended up hooking up and it was fucking crazy. Like he had studio grade bondage equipment in his drawers

that looked like they had tags on them. I don't know if he went to Home Depot and purchased all this. For me, like, oh my God, I was so flattered, but holy hell, this man had put me in a hogtie. Do you know what a hogtie is, production? Yeah, you know what it is, like it's like. Hold on, come on.

So he had me like this. Picture like this. Oh, sorry. So it's like this, and it was like that, okay? So he had me in a hogtie like that, okay? So we had me in a hog tie like this, and I couldn't move. And then he had this extension bar. Like, you know how you put like shades up or whatever? It's like a pole they put in between your legs.

I don't know what this angle looks like, by the way. So he put this pole between your legs. And if you move your legs a little more out, you can't go back in. So I dislocated my hip. I literally think I tore my ACL, but it was the craziest. I honestly, I would do it again.

Honestly, Mr. Old Spice, you can call me anytime. You'll always have a seat at my table. But anyways, that ended tragically for a plethora of reasons. For me, long distance, there's just, I feel like a physical aspect of relationship is so important. Yes, the emotional connections also fine,

but also I just don't think I have enough emotional maturity. I'm very self-aware, but I'm very toxic, and I guess I have very self-aware, but like I'm very toxic and I guess like I have very low emotional IQ. So I just think long distance for me wouldn't work because I would be plotting how to pick fights with someone that's in a different time zone, like all day long, just for like my own entertainment. I don't think it was a right fit, not because he was the wrong person.

I think I just have like a lot of growing to do, which you'll probably see on this podcast, like I'm probably going to come off as a fucking mess most of the time. I'm not going to tell you like, this is how you should be doing things. Honestly, if anything, this is how you should not be doing things maybe, but it's entertaining. And it's the truth. Enough of that nonsense, guys. Let's go back into the nitty gritty. I want to get into my childhood, the origin story. People need to understand the lore, the true lore. How did I become this product? And honestly, a lot of it goes back to childhood.

A lot of people don't know this. As a child, I was super fucking chubby. Like it was really cute, but like not during the time period where sugar lips were really popular. I was the youngest in my grade, the last to hit puberty, like all of that stuff. So I remember like all my friends were like so petite and skinny and blah blah blah. And I was this like chunky monster, like little chunkster with a boy haircut because you know my mom has a really short, cute little pixie, and we thought that would look really cute on me.

It doesn't look really cute on a nine-year-old that's a little obese. Also, like, maybe don't get that right before you attend an all-girls Catholic school. I remember on my first day, fifth grade, I walked into the school, and Mr. Fucking Helm, yeah, shout out Mr. Helm, I'll always remember this, he goes, oh, where's your sister? and Mr. Fucking Helm. Yeah, shout out Mr. Helm. I'll always remember this.

He goes, oh, where's your sister? Fuck you, Mr. Helm. Like that stayed with me forever. I was super chubby. So honestly, I felt like the way I was able to make friends was through like being funny. I feel like my sense of humor had to carry because my looks weren't.

Like people weren't my friend because I was like this hot cute little like thing. Wait, is that weird to say about a nine year old? I don't, like I was like not a popular girl. I wasn't popular because I was like pretty. I was popular because I was funny and I was kind and I was able to make friends with everyone. But I remembered in eighth grade

was when I first got really skinny. We had a little bit of an eating issue there. I got really thin and it was the first time boys recognized me, it was the first time I made friends with like the cool girls in my grade. So from that point on, I attributed like being super thin to having value as a person, someone that you could be friends with, which started this whole

other fucking series of drama. We'll get into that on another date. But yeah, anyways, high school, I had one boyfriend. He was at the brother. I went to an all girls Catholic school. Like how fucking ironic that is. I'm sitting on a podcast called Extra Dirty and I went to an all girls Catholic school for eight years. PSA to all the parents watching, don't send your child to an all-girls Catholic school. It's like caging a wild animal and then releasing them into college. Like I turned ho because of that. The thing that is interesting about like the all-girls Catholic school lore is like I went

to that school for eight years. I'm not even Catholic. I don't even, I'm Protestant. I'm a CEO. I'm a Christmas Easter only type of bitch. Okay, like that church like a church hates to see me coming. Like trust me on that. Like I've literally had sex in a church parking lot. Like I am not like your typical Catholic school girl. Maybe like the kind of Catholic school girl you see in pornos, but like I'm not your typical like prim and proper like Blair Waldorf

type of bitch. Like that's just not who I am. But it was a great school. It was a private school. I wasn't a great student. I was like probably a B average student just because I didn't give a fuck. I didn't put like my whole pussy into like academics, which is fine. Whatever happened in the great war of 19, like I'm not using that right now as I sit on this couch. I just feel like there was no need for me to really dive into academics. I mean, it works for some people, but it just wasn't my thing, okay?

Anyways, my parents weren't very strict. I mean, I think some of you have seen my dad online. Like I post him a lot on my TikTok. He is me personified. Like the apple does not fall far from that tree. He's fucking funny. He's so unserious and he's like a little cringy but like in a fucking funny way,

which I think I am too to be honest. And then my mom is like the complete opposite. They're in like in a rock star relationship. You have to have a rock and you have to have a star and you both need each other for the whole machine to be well oiled. I feel like that's super important for a relationship. Like I don't want to date someone that has a bigger ego than me. Like we would kill each other. I think we'd act like it would be on like the Daily Mail. Like we

would kill each other. But yeah they weren't strict at all. My mom was more of like the emotional support. My dad is more like the financial support. He still is. Shout out dad for this beautiful apartment. I love you so dearly. Thank you. Oh my God, dad, I love you. You're my favorite. When I think about it actually,

have I dated more rocks or more stars? The men I've dated are fucking, no offense, duds. And then they would like cheat on me. I remember my first boyfriend, he cheated on me while I was in rehab for an eating disorder. So it's not like I could break out the cage and go like confront him about it.

I was dealing, I wasn't like, I was in knitting class. I don't like, I couldn't deal with his bullshit. He was cheating on me with my like best friend's twin. And I was knitting and coloring inside the circles and like my little kumbaya group, trying to myself and he was out there playing me. I was like, after that, didn't trust any men, even if they're a rock or they're a star, men just suck in general. I don't know. I'm still figuring it out. It's a whole thing. Going back to my parents,

they are amazing. They're like my best friends. I feel like as I've gotten older, I've appreciated spending so much time with them. I like look forward to hanging out with them. They're way cooler than I'll ever be, but they're great people. But no, they were not strict. Honestly, I think they just sent me to the all girls private Catholic school so they can get me into a good college.

And my dad's rich, so I feel like he can afford the private school. I don't know guys. You're gonna have to ask him when he's on the podcast. He always used to say, 42.5 down the drain, which was my tuition per year. 42.5 down the drain. I would say something dumb or uneducated or just like, I can't believe this is the product I've made.

He'd be like, 42.5 down the drain. Fuck. I've created a monster. It's his fault. We go to Bergdorf together. He brings me there. It's not like I'm going alone. He comes with me and he approves of every purchase. Not only does he approve of every purchase,

he picks things out. So speaking of my dad, he does commercial reality development. He fucking absolutely crushes it. He really wanted me to be in it just because our personality types are so similar. At one point in time when I had first moved to New York City, I had literally no idea what I wanted to do.

This is before social media. I had no job and I was luckily able to get away with that for some time. I would host this here and there in the summer on Nantucket, but for the most part, I was not doing anything during the year. So my parents were like, you need to get a job. Like you like, this is like you're 24 years old. Like, I don't know what the fuck you're doing with yourself.

And also at the same time, I really wanted a new rack. Like I really wanted new tits. So I told my mom, I was like, mom, like, I think I need new tits. They kind of look like a rock and a sock. Like my weight really fluctuated and like of look like a rock and a sock. Like, my weight really fluctuated and like, like picture a rock and a sock. It's kind of like, you know, it's like not cute. So I was like, all right, I need a new chest.

And my mom's like, we'll pay for it if you get your real estate license. So I was like, kid in a candy shop. I was like, pen to fucking paper. I was like, I got my real estate license within two weeks. I think it was honestly a world fucking record. I got that shit so quickly. At the same time, I was seeing this billionaire

and he was, oh my God, this is, he's gonna be a whole chapter of this podcast, but I'll go a little into the, cause he kind of goes into this story. He called me from London one morning and he was like, fucked up. 7 a.m. there. And I was like, so head over heels over this man who was like 15 years older than me, like hedge fund.

Daddy saw, he was checked all the boxes. Besides the fact he was like a Peter Pan man. Like this man is never going to grow up, never wants to grow up, has a lot of money, can get any fucking bitch he wants. He's also like semi attractive. I miss him. He was fun. All right.

I'm getting distracted. So anyways, at the same time, he also thought I needed new tits. Honestly, I think he planted the seed, which is kind of fucked up. But like he was like, I'll pay for them. He was like, Hallie, like I'll demo. So him and his best rich daddy friend both Vemo'd me four grand for my tits. It was like 12 grand, but like they both Vemo'd me four grand.

They think they own each tit. They named them like Francesca and Consuela. I don't know. Like they think they own my chest, but little do they know, I pocketed that money. It was just like play New York money at that time. I pocketed that money, got my real estate play New York money at that time. I pocketed that money, got my real estate license, and then my parents paid for it. So I ended up getting the fake tits

and I've never sold a fucking house in my life. But I love a crown molding and I can appreciate good interior, a one bed, a one bath. And I know what areas of New York are the best in the city. I know where the daddies are. I know where the rent is the highest. And that's where I typically hang out because I know they can afford nice things. You know the thing about real estate, it's like location, location, location.

Just like you guys right now, sitting at your little laptop or your phone or whatever, you're in the right place right now, watching the right podcast. Like look at us, We're just growing together. Okay, now that I've told you guys that different men own each of my tits, I have a little secret to share with you guys. There's actually currently right now as we speak a man in my bed.

I didn't want to like telling that but like, don't ask questions you don't want the answers to. But I feel like we went so hard last night I feel like he could use a little bit of the hair of the dog right now. So let's get him up. I feel like Cookie come here. Surprise! I don't know what I feel worse from the fucking dominoes or the vodka. or it's from the fucking dominoes or the vodka. Here, get your fucking mic. Okay, hi guys, this is Graydon Cookie Cutler. Okay guys, I feel like most of you know who Graydon is, but if you don't, he's like my best, most funniest friend. We sleep together all the time.

He's so good in bed. This is true, we do sleep together a lot. No, yeah, and you turn on your sound machine. It's always like super magical. We get cozy. You love the sound machine. No, I actually do, but I do have my AirPods in watching Rehows Wives.

Oh, okay. Well, this morning I woke up, Halle woke me up and she said I took up the whole- It was 11, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, but it was 11 45. Okay. Okay, but that's my morning. Halle told me that I was taking up the whole entire bed but this morning I woke up and her head was on my shoulder. And he hates

physical touch. You don't like when I cuddle or hug you or anything. I don't like that because you have a vagene. Okay if you were a man I wouldn't mind. I can't picture you like cuddle up with someone. Like I can't picture you like being the big spoon. Are you the big spoon or the little spoon? I just think anatomically I have to be the big spoon. Are you the big spoon or the little spoon? Um, I just think anatomically I have to be the big spoon. One time I was cuddling with somebody and I fell asleep and I woke up and they were just gone. And I'll be honest with you, I really haven't cuddled since. So have you ever fucked a woman or are you like a gold star?

Do you know what a gold star is? It's like they had a c-section, right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, a gold star is when you have a C-section. It's like you did not even like come out of a vagina. Not only did you not sleep with a woman, you didn't even come out of a woman. You came out of their stomach. That's actually a good point.

Not me teaching you about being gay again. Well, that's not like actually a gold star, but like that could be a thing. That's platinum star. Like never touched a vag. Yeah, I'm a gold star, yeah. Your mom is a C-section? No, Halle, that's not actually what a gold star is.

A gold star is when you're gay and you've never been with a girl. So you're not a gold star because? I'm a gold star. Okay. Yeah, I'm a gold star. Loud and proud. So like, let's get back to like our origin story.

I feel like a lot of people don't know like how we became friends, how we met. We should tell them the story of how we actually met. Okay, let's tell it. You would remember more than me probably. Are you really counting on me for memories? So I walk into this party on Nantucket, obviously shit face.

This was like my first time actually going to Nantucket. The year I believe was like 2021, right after COVID. So this was my first like taste of Nantucket kind of. And I see this girl and she's like snatched. She's like, her skin's pulled back. I'm like, did she get a facelift? Like what's going on? And I was like, your skin is so amazing.

Like what do you do? When you told me you like get your Botox at this girl in New York, but like you live in Boston. So at the time you were living in Boston and you would go to New York to get your face done. I remember this. Flash forward, I didn't know this bitch lived in, was from Boston.

I didn't know she had a house in Nantucket. So I thought I was never gonna see you again. And then we were in Boston on a cold, rainy ass night. Is that the mood, is that the tone? We're on this cold, rainy ass night. Set the mood, set the tone. We're on this yacht, that's where Hallie and I really rekindled. And I was like, oh my God, you like are from Boston, like you're here, oh my God, let's hang out.

So that's how we started hanging out. And then I look over and there is this man and he was like a tech CEO, founder. I think he is in prison now. Yeah, I worked for him for a little bit. Like when I was like, didn't have a job, trying to figure out what I was doing. He was like a crypto baddie.

Like he like promised me all these things. He used to put me up with the Nomo Soho and like work on his like computer for like this new app he was creating. Okay, no offense, but like that's all he could afford if he's in crypto was the Nomo Soho. No, that was a red flag. Yeah. And he and he had like a soho and he had this really good friend who was bald that was like working on his crypto this is like such

a side note I went on this day with this man he was like bald and like it was the sketchiest thing I've ever done he promised me like $10,000 in like physical cash no and he said he would only give it to me if I. Sucked him. Fucked him. I didn't suck him. I didn't fuck him. He was bald.

So? He looked like Mr. Clean. So he shows up to this date with a suitcase of 10 grand in cash and gave it to me. Did you keep it? Yeah. What'd you have to do? Then I told him I had a UTI

and I couldn't hang out with him for the rest of the weekend. That made me sound like kind of an escort. It wasn't likeTI and I couldn't hang out with him for the rest of the weekend. That made me sound like kind of an escort. It wasn't like that. I didn't even kiss him. Honestly, I feel like he got bamboozled that night. Anyway, I hope he's well, but I looked over my shoulder and his pants were down to his ankles and his whole entire asshole was out.

Nilly's cheeks spread. Cheeks spread, blackout drunk, and I was like, is somebody going to put this guy's pants on? I can't be looking at this. We had people seasick. The waves were tumultuous. And this man is ripping his asshole apart, like basically in a fetal position.

I've seen darker parts of that man than his internal organs have. I could see his throat from behind. It was crazy. You can't say that. Yeah, you know, I think we shared that moment of seeing this man's asshole. And that's when we became friends.

We were like this. We've been through it. Wait, speaking of men with gaping assholes, when was the last time you have entered or have been entered via throat, via ass, via ear with a man? Via ear? Like yesterday. It's been a really long drought and I feel like I'm in the Sahara Desert, like one of

those animals who can't really access the watering hole. And it's not, I don't think it's the rain that's like blocking me from accessing water I'm starting to think it's me no I think your type is bad your type is straight men so that automatically sets you up for failure okay I would just like to correct like it's not straight men it is just mass like I like a more masculine man which is totally fine but I don't know I mean I definitely don't think my TikTok videos help. When was your last sexual encounter fling romance,

a spark that lit a fire under your beautiful plump ass? That's so sweet. Thank you. Thank you. The last time, let's just go with the last time I got diddled or diddled somebody else. That sounds illegal. I'm gonna be honest with you, I don't remember. No, like you have to like,

I'm telling you right now to pick a date. Over a year ago probably, that I fucked. I've sucked. You're the sucking queen. I used to be, not anymore. We're going out tonight again. Tonight, Halle is having a party. I think tonight's my night where like I

really want my eyes to cross last night we were pretty drunk but tonight I want to be even more drunk anyways I feel like we could go on and on about fucking crazy stories we've been like we've seen so much together like besides like the darkest parts of people's assholes I Lauren we fucking freak of the week is here. Look out Lauren! Yay! Lauren's here! Cucarach, cucarach!

Guys, this is Lauren! Lauren's here! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Lauren's here! Kukarach, kukarach! Guys, this is Lauren! Lauren's here! I'm here! We're the three best friends that anyone could have.

We're the three best friends that anyone could have. Welcome to the casting couch! Thank you guys! I feel very welcome. I know. Should we all touch each other? Yeah. I know.

It's all hold hands. No, just let us. No, thank you. No, I'm like... Alright. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I all hold hands. No. Just let us. No. Thank you. I'm like. All right. I see how it is. All right. Hey. Guys, if you don't know Lauren, Lauren's the one that like makes, she's the reason I'm alive. I feel like she keeps my schedule together. It sounds like you work for me. No, I like might be production. No, she's, when I call it production in my TikTok, she is production I'm calling for. production. No, she's, when I call it production in my TikTok, she is production I'm calling for.

Yeah. Like I wouldn't show up to anything on time. I'm not a planner. I am just a personality hire. Yeah. Yeah. Fish is just good at getting shit done. She's also really good in bed.

Oh my gosh. Wait, she shows me her sex tapes all the time. It's like watching it. We're getting right into it. You know when you're like on like a sports team and they like rewatch tape just like see where they like could have like done better. I'm that person for you.

Yes. Do you have any feedback? You're amazing. Recoil is insane. What happens to you when that? I don't know. We'll go into that. But anyways, this is Lauren.

Introduce yourself, my little freak of the week. I'm Lauren. I'm from New Jersey. That's like probably the most uninteresting thing about me, but me and Hallie have been best friends for like six years now. Yeah, yeah, so my my college roommate was Hallie's best friend from high school and then We met and we fell in love We did we did we had a week of just going out straight together. Every single night we would go to bed.

Sounds like you're legit lesbos. A week, it was like a year. Last week we went, accidentally ended up at a gay bar. And it was like all lesbian couples around us. There was flags everywhere. We had no idea. A lesbian bar or a gay bar? It was a gay bar. There was like a lot of lesbian couples.

And we were just like sitting there. Yeah. No, we were one of them. I think people thought that we were one of them. Definitely. Definitely. People thought I was chowing down on you. Yeah. The lawn, putting from the rough, the whole nine. Yeah. Munching muffin. Yeah. Anyways, we have known each other for how many years? Six years now. You've never seen me in a relationship. I haven't, but I've seen you in multiple situationships. I think that's always crazy that you've never seen me committed. Yeah, and you've only seen me committed. I was committed to them. They weren't committed to you.

No. You thought they were. And I was always trying to tell them, they're not hot, even though some of them were. I was like, they're not hot, Hallie. Like you could do so much better. And now looking back, we're like, fuck, the cross was hot. The cross was really hot. But I was trying, I was very convincing. I was like, he's not hot. Trust me. It's the hottest guy I've ever caught with ever in my whole entire life.

Yeah. So you have a boyfriend. We love him. We love him. Actually, you didn't like him at first though. I didn't like that I had. He hit on Hallie in front of me. No, he didn't.

Yes, he did. He hit on Hallie. He hit on Hallie. He hit on Hallie. He hit on Hallie. He hit on Hallie. He hit on Hallie. He hit on Hallie. He hit on Hallie. He hit on Hallie. He hit on Hallie. my whole entire life. So you have a boyfriend, we love him. We love him. Actually, you didn't like him at first though. I didn't like that I had.

He hit on Hallie in front of me. No, he didn't. Yes, he did. Yeah, he did. He had a new one snapchat in front of me when he didn't like me. No. To do it soft.

No, no, no. Here's what happened. Here's what happened. My boyfriend now at the time, like didn't want anything to do with me. And in order to like show me how he didn't want anything to do with me. And in order to show me how he didn't want to have anything to do with me, he was like, I'm just going to flirt in front of her. I'm going to add her best friend on Snapchat.

And would put his phone down so I could see everything. This was when he was mean. And then the second... Wait, didn't he have a fuckboy phase? He had a fuckboy phase. Is he toxic? No, he's perfect. But for those... He's an angel. But he wasn't an angel until the second that? He had a fuckboy face. Is he toxic? No, he's like perfect. But like for those like, he's an angel,

but like he wasn't an angel until the second that he asked me to be his girlfriend. Up until then I was a doormat. And like all in tunnel. Did you like being doormat or did you like? And you were thick. And I was thick. You were so thick.

Lauren used to like show up at like my house in Nantucket and like be wearing like AF1s and like Jordans. Yeah, I wore like Jordans with like Nike mid calves to the beach. No. It's a galley beach. No, that was fake Dior Jordans.

They were fake? Yeah, they were like custom made. Like they just like took Dior. Oh, with the fabric? Yeah. That is extremely ghetto. And you wore leather pants to the beach, but here we are. They were real leather.

Then you met Jordan. You guys fell in love so deeply. He also has a massive piece. Jordan's like a walking tripod. You know, like that thing that's holding up this camera right now, that looks like Jordan. He has a third leg. That man, if like a gust of wind ever hit him from behind,

he would be standing up still. I love that for him. He's gonna hate us. And I love that for him. He deserves that, honestly. No, he doesn't deserve that. He deserves a big dick. He has like short arms but he's making up for it. Sounds like a T-Rex. He has short limbs but a big dick.

Short limbs. He's like a Tyrannosaurus. I also think he lifts so much that his arms progressively get higher. Oh yeah. Totally. He does have short biceps. Yeah, he's got a really long torso. We're not body shaming Jordan on episode one. We love Jordan. No, we're complimenting. Yeah, we're gonna talk about this later. But. The thing is that's nice about me and Lauren

is like we have very different taste in men. I think we all have very different taste in men, honestly. Like. Especially me. Actually, I feel like you guys have the same taste in men. I feel like you would go for someone like Jordan. Like a pretty boy. No, you would go for Jordan. I would go for Jordan.

I'll go for Jordan right now. Tell him to come over. Jordan. Jordan loves you. Jordan loves you. Jordan. You and Jordan have a very special relationship. Yeah, we do.

Anyway, enough about him. Yeah. So we're going out tonight. What is the pregame gonna look like you think? I'm terrified the fact that we have to get ready in like an hour and a half. Should we tell them what the pregames usually look like? Yeah, let's tell them.

Okay, let's run through it. Well, I don't really drink that much. Which is amazing for us. Yes, because I'm always driving if we're in Nantucket or I'm always directing. I used to hate it. I feel like when you're younger, you're like, you're not taking shots.

And now we're like, don't take a shot. I feel like you should. Should I take the shot? Because I don't want to Uber on Nantucket and she is the DD. She is trusted by my parents. That's true. With the vehicles.

She's on the car insurance. You should be other than some other siblings. Fish is the type of person where she can go out and like have like you'll have like one drink Yeah, but like you don't need to be like shit-faced to have fun. Like you always have fun. I'm there for the music. I am there for the networking. We used to go out to network. Yeah, Halle would drink for us and I would network for us and honestly, it worked. It worked out pretty well for us.

Here we are. Here we are. But yeah, I know Halle and Graydon are probably ripping shots together. I am looking on in amazement. You're cheering us on. Looking on is crazy. I am looking on in amazement.

I'm like, wow, I would die. I would be in the hospital. Sounds like shade you're throwing. No. But anyways, we might die, but in a positive way. In a way that like, we'll go out with a bang, hopefully. But the pregame, what are we having people over tonight? And then I'm throwing a party later in the evening

and the wee hours of the night. I will be so cross-eyed. I will be crossing both streets at once because I'm gonna be like. People usually like, or I don't know if people do still think this, but like some people think it's a bit, like you're cross-eyed. Then I'm cross-eyed, no.

Like you fully. I had meningitis. It's real. No, I had meningitis as a toddler. I had it too. We both almost died. But you're not cross-eyed. We did, I almost died.

No. But I'm not cross-eyed. I had a brain infection when I was two that affected my equilibrium. So they used to call me head wound Hallie. I would just fall over, tip over, like just simple tasks like walking. So then I turned completely cross-eyed like this.

Production zoom in. I'm looking at both screens right now. No, literally I would get so cross-eyed. So at six I got contacts, but when I drink the muscles behind my eyes that keep them straight normally, even right now I got contacts, but when I drink, the muscles behind my eyes, I keep them straight normally. Even right now I'm like, give out, teetering. If I'm tired or a little tipsy,

my eyes will just give out strength and I'll just go like this. So that's when Lauren knows that it's time to take her home. To close the tap. And you know, it's great, and I think I've said this before, but when someone looks at us and like,

you're leaving, you're leaving so early, I'm like, look at her. And Alex is like you're leaving you're leaving so early. I'm like look at her Look at her eyes. They're like, oh, of course take her home We totally understand You're your time getting out. I hope you get home safe. I hope she won't get back. You're so strong. Make sure you get her home safe. You're screaming. And honestly, Holly, I think we should start

using that moving forward. Like if we're just not having good time. Yeah. You're so beautiful. You just go to them and cross your eyes. You're fully sober. I'm like, look at her. She's dead.

That's so real. Well, we should do that. Yeah, I think that's our new cop out. Because I hate being pressured to stay. You need to go to cop out, but just like, loop me in. Yeah, I think that's our new cop out. Because I hate being pressured to stay. It's a good cop out, but just loop me in. Yeah, I got you. Next time. But sometimes you're just out of it.

I can't loop you in. You're looped out. I'm never that out of it. Don't drink. Stay in school. I really don't want to go out tonight. I'm not going to lie, guys. It's your party.

Literally hosted by you. You're on the invite. You are hosting the party you have to go. Yeah, honestly, well, what's fine is Halle's hosting a pregame and I think what's so great about- Is my glassware. Is your glassware. Are you gonna let other people use it?

No, not- Can I use it? Yeah, you can use it. Thank you. You're not a drunk like the rest of the people coming over. Also though, like I love that all our friends have meshed. Yeah. That's so important.

Well us, but also like your home friends, my school friends. I feel like besides you guys, I don't really have that many more friends. Real friends that I would consider like, oh, like I could trust them with your dirtyest, I mean, I'm telling everyone else here, my dirtyest, darkest secrets, but yeah,

things that would probably get me in trouble with the police, those things, I feel like I wouldn't trust if I get away with any of it. Yeah, like would you bury your body for me? Yeah, great, and what's our relationship? Yeah, so how does the dynamic work here? You're probably wondering, because I'm so perfect, and they're like,

oh my God, Hallie, you're so perfect. Like, how can we like share time at the split between the both of them? It's like, I'm a divorced parent, it's like the product of, how do you guys get along? How do you co-parent this beast? So I'm a cancer Leo cusp, and I couldn't really tell you what the fuck that means.

Oh, wait, I can't wait. I'm a Leo cancer cusp. But she's a, wait, what? Leo cancer cusp? Yeah, wait, no, no, no, sorry, sorry, sorry. Cancer Leo cusp. Yeah, yeah, I'm a day, what Leo cancer cusp? Yeah. Wait, no, no, sorry. Sorry. Sorry cancer Leo. Yeah. Yeah I'm a day. We're the same. You're July 22nd. Yeah, I'm July 23rd. Oh, yeah I'm the first day of leave it. So we have the same. Oh my god significant like the same cusp a different like

Like like fireside no, no, no, no, no like means that means I know we need to get our charts right or something But fish and I just have a really sensitive like loving connection like fireside. No, no, no, no, no. Like main, main side. We need to get our charts right or something, but fish. And I just have a really sensitive, like loving connection. We do. You know, although she's way more sensitive than me, I'm sensitive and I'm thinking, she might start crying. Like you will like have my back. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes how I go for her throat. Well, sometimes I get very angry. Yeah. How he gets like at the end of a night, she'll be really drunk and she'll sometimes

jump on the neck. And like not in a mean way. I'm just very sensitive. I take everything so seriously. Like it's really hard to argue with you because you will cry. I will cry. Yeah, that's true. And I'm like, that's it.

Like she never wants to see me again. Like that's it. Our friendship is over. Like all over because she was like, I don't know. What has she said to me before? She's like, Polly. I'm like thinking about a time where like I took it so personally.

Like the summer on your birthday, like. Oh yeah. Do you want to get into it? You were so sensitive. I was so sensitive. People that were staying at my house wanted to go to dinner with me. Yeah.

They were staying at my house, but you would auction them off to my house because they couldn't stay at your boyfriend's house. No, no, no. Actually, we should talk about this because that was, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no left out because normally in Nantucket I always stay at your house and this is the first time that I wasn't staying at your house where like everyone was there. So I was like feeling left out and because I was feeling left out I just started crying at Cisco and actually I'm mortified and my boyfriend's brother likes to bring it up now he's like are you gonna cry are you gonna cry like you cried at Cisco? I'm crying cause you. So sad. Because you should have been embarrassed. Yeah. You're being a weird little freak, then. I was being a freak.

Yeah, and I was like. And then I came home and I was like, Hallie, do you still love me? I was like, you can come to dinner too, but like you're- I was like no, and I like walked around the block. You were also staying at your boyfriend's, so I was like, are you gonna leave your boyfriend

and their family and their cookout, their barbecue, the thing that they're throwing for you, and come to my parents' house? Look at me in the eyes, yes, I will leave him. That's fucking great. For real. Just kidding. Yeah.

I'm thinking about the Hamptons trip now. Oh, the Hamptons trip guys. That's what I was referring to. Yeah. No guys, we were at. I think I forgot what happened. It was a brand trip. It was like one of the first brand trips

I've ever been on, but like we were sharing a room. The three of us. Luke was there too. No. No, it was just us three. No, it was just brand trip. It was one of the first brand trips I've ever been on but like we were sharing a room The three of us. Lou was there too. No. No, it was just us three. No, it was just us three. We were at... She was there for another one. This one was just us three and I was being the plus one.

I got there. I opened up every single present. I got into the pajamas that were on my bed immediately. As you should. I stole some of Graydon's products. Like I was fucking there. But like we went to Surf Lodge, a guy in your building. Wait, I ran into him today, yesterday. I run into him every single day. His name is Chow Down.

What? His name is Chow Down. What do you mean? Well, that's his nickname, we'll explain. His nickname is Chow Down, he lives in my building. I literally have the exact same schedule as him. I saw him this morning, I saw him yesterday. Oh, that's a story.

We went out to surf lodge and I was drunk and I said, come back. And I was really cute, he's really cute, he's really tall. And I was like- He's weird though, his giggle was like, he's telling Hayuna. I wasn't here this weekend. I think he was just really nervous. You weren't there. This was the weekend prior.

This is the weekend with Liv. Yeah. Yeah, you weren't there. And we brought him back. He went down on me in front of us. Me and Liv were hiding in the bathroom. And we were like, okay, well it's been like two minutes. Maybe you should come out now. We come out.

You're giving me two minutes to work my masterpiece? Yeah, it didn't seem like you were feeling it. Because his laugh was really weird. I don't know. Yeah, and then we came out and we were like, show us what you were doing. Okay, I received a video this night. Do we want to talk about that? That was Chowdow. Was that from you?

No, that was from me. Or Liv and then Group Shot. It was Liv or Fish sent it to me and there's this, I see this hair underneath the sheet and Hallie's there. And I'm like, is she like playing with like a stuffed animal? Like what, why is her hair under the sheets? It was Mr. Chow down, chowing down. Chowing down. Underneath the sheets.

Giving the name all its glory. Yeah. He's a nice guy though. And then we set him on his way. It's funny cause I'll get those videos and I will not think one thing of it. Sleepover. We're like, all right, you have to go. Bye. We like literally, I'm on his way. It's funny cuz I'll get those videos and I will not think one thing of it Bye we like literally the way that we like hurried that man out of the room like he didn't even have time to put his shoes on He was like by the time he was outside. He was weird though. He was a weird little freak

Yeah, but anyway, I live in the same building as him and I see him every single day and I'm like, hey and he's like Hey, how you doing? And then You know we talk about something for like the 30 seconds of the elevator ride, the minute to the fucking outdoors and yeah, every day. That's the worst. Yeah. Oh man, Mr. Chowdown.

Okay, like we need to wrap this up, we have to get ready with the shower, the bath. I'm sure Graydon has to take a nap. I need to take a couple shots. I think before we go guys, we should give a little like Real Housewives tagline. What would like, you know, zhuzh up the ending of this, okay?

You can start and then Lauren and then I have to think of mine because, okay. I love this, okay, let's run it back. This is your moment to shine. If you won't suck my quacky, at least drink one. Period. You like that? I'd suck your quacky.

I know you would. That was good. All right, Lauren, you go. All right, where am like that? I'll suck your quacky. I know you would. That was good. All right, Lauren, you go. All right, where am I looking? I may not drink, but I eat every day. Period. Guys, I'm screaming I do eat every day.

No, you do. You used to be. That was thick. I see, more than once a day. I don't even know what mine would be. You got it. Like, you miss 100% of the cum. I don't even know what mine would be. You got it. Like you miss a hundred percent of the cum shots you don't take.

Period. Period. All right guys, cheer like, hey! Hey! All right, so like, let's wrap it up guys. We have to get ready with Go Take Shots. This has been so much fun. I'm so excited for everyone to be here. Even if like you're just here to like make fun of me. If I'm crazy, I don't fucking care.. This has been so much fun. I'm so excited for everyone to be here. Even if like you're just here to like make fun of me,

if I'm crazy, I don't fucking care. We're gonna have so much fun. This was amazing. You're gonna see a lot more of this situation going on. It's gonna be a lot of chaos, a lot of unhinged raw energy. We're gonna raw dog this whole fucking thing. Subscribe, like, review, give us five stars, all that fucking shit.

You can find us on all platforms, wherever you watch your podcasts, YouTube, whatever, whatever floats your fucking boat. Anyways, happy to be here. Love you all and thank you. Episode one, let's fucking do it. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.