Call Her Daddy - Chris Olsen: My Revenge Porn Experience

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

Join Alex in the studio for a powerful conversation with Chris Olsen. Chris finally breaks his silence and opens up about the revenge porn of him circulating online. He begs people to stop sharing it and shines a light on the harsh reality of Internet bullying. Chris also unpacks his childhood trauma, his complicated relationship with his parents, and his sobriety journey.This episode contains adult subject matter, including discussions of substance misuse and self-injury. Please keep this in mind when deciding if, how and when you’ll listen. For resources on these topics, visit spotify.com/resources.

what is up daddy gang it is your founding father alex cooper with call her daddy chris olsen welcome to call her daddy thank you i am so happy to have you here right now i'm like we have so much to go over before we really really get into it first of all for anyone of the daddy gang that's like about to be a new fan today I'm going to give you the floor introduce yourself where you're from where you live what you do for a living anything fun about yourself give us a fun fact just give it to us god no pressure the the like definition has changed over the past three weeks but we're we're trying to make it better um my name is Chris Olson I shouldn't Should I direct it to camera? I'm like, hello, my name is Chris Olsen. I am originally from Chevy Chase, Maryland, the DC area.

We call it the DMV. And I moved to LA. I was like always a theater kid growing up. I'm a theater kid. Growing up, I went to boarding school for high school for theater, like an art sporting school. Oh, so you did it and then i got my bfa in musical theater in college for berkeley college of music like theater kid through hardcore it's insanity but junior year of my college was when covet hit so downloaded

tiktok was in a relationship started making some videos two months in, went from like a few followers to 2.2 million in like two weeks. I was like, okay, this is a fun thing that's happening. But I wasn't like career is new now. Um, so, and I still had a year left of school, but I finished senior year of musical theater school online on zoom. We moved to LA and then have been doing social media ever since. Went through a little public breakup. Went through a little public breakdown. Have been doing all of all things public recently. Your videos are amazing. Thank you. I think my favorite ones are obviously when you're like, where should I go? And you just casually get on a plane and you take us through your entire life and day. I can't imagine what goes into those videos.

You make them look so effortless and chill. Meanwhile, as a creator myself, I'm like, God bless you. We bow down. You're doing the Lord's work over there. Thank you. Good work. We have to talk about the apartment drama. So for context, everyone, I have been a fan of yours.

And I remember, I think it was like a year and it was about a year ago a year ago I start getting so many tags on TikTok and everyone is like oh my god Chris Olsen is living in your old apartment he's definitely living there he's and I'm like what is happening so I go and I shut the fuck up who is this bitch who I see it and I'm like, oh my God. I don't know if it's the exact unit. It isn't. It isn't. I know it's not. I did lie to the internet.

I've done it once or twice. But I knew it was the same building. You lived across the hall. I know the unit. Because it was like on. Two. Two and three. I had two and three.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were. Two G. Right? Two G. You can say it. I don't live there anymore. Oh, Jesus.

I'm like, someone's going to show up and look for clues for you. I think I was. I lived across from a psychopath. Because those windows are like kind of unmistakable. The windows. And the location of it too. I think people just knew. Are the doormen still there?

That like, I don't know if you have, do you love your doormen? Yes. They're the sweetest men ever. And most of them have been there for like 20 years okay yes I remember when I was moving out and I like almost had a cry session with one of them and I was like this is when you know you loved your building so much because I was like I have to go I gotta go my own way what about us what about everything we've been through what about us okay yeah this is good okay we're here today look at me just like shifting the tone

i'm like and so now trauma no and now let's talk about trauma yeah um when i reached out to you obviously i had been i was actually in paris at the olympics and i was sitting in my green room waiting to go onto my show and i came across one of the videos you had made basically begging people to stop and I was with my friend and I was like tearing up crying basically being like oh my fucking god I could tell how much pain you were in and I think the reason I really want to have you on today is because unfortunately a lot of the things that you have gone through in your life a lot of the people listening and watching this episode will potentially have gone through in your life a lot of the people listening and watching this episode will potentially have gone through also yeah so let's just get into it yeah private photos and videos of you were leaked online non-consensual and the internet was essentially harassing you about these

videos and these photos so first before we get into like how this happened and everything like how are you doing without this? private photos and videos of you were leaked online non-consensual and the internet was essentially harassing you about these videos and these photos so first before we get into like how this happened and everything like how are you doing without this now better because i've removed myself off of the most of the internet for now internet for now and trying to focus on what real life is. It's so easy to make that so real life and make that everything. I remember there was a viral Tyler the Creator tweet that was like, how is cyberbullying real?

Just turn off your phone. And I remember being like, Tyler, I can't. I don't know how. And Tyler, this is my job. But I think I'm actually implementing that in a little bit of a way this past month-ish. I also have never cried more in my life. I cry every day. But I don't even really say that in a bad way.

Sometimes I'm crying because I'm so grateful. And sometimes I'm crying because I just like so grateful. And sometimes I'm crying because like, I'm just want to hug my childhood self. And sometimes I'm crying because I don't know why I'm crying. Sometimes I'm just fucking crying. And like, and that's okay. And that's okay. And like,

I, I think people will probably be like, bitch, we see you cry all the time on the internet. What are you talking about? But like a lot of the time when I'm crying on the internet it's like I've been listening to Taylor Swift music it's like there's like a sad moment going on I'm not one of those people who like if I'm going through trauma I'm gonna be like oh my god but I just did that like last month but but to be fair yeah you

were going on essentially asking people to stop and to give you grace and to understand like you are a human being and this isn't a game. This isn't like, oh my God, all these things are getting leaked of me in like a very traumatic past event that happened. That's bringing up a lot for me. And like now you guys are like using it as like clickbait and like to get views. Like, please fucking stop. Because this is actually how people hurt themselves. Like, let's keep it real.

And I had kind of entered like a clapback era for a month before then I was trying to like be all like bitchy and like I'm the one in this position and you're not that that's like also not me like I I would love for that to be me and occasionally I can like play that character but the real me feels like the loser in middle school that everyone is now pointing and laughing at and like and now it's like maybe i just like lost my virginity and everyone is hearing about it or there was a photo of it and everyone's now using that against me and all I feel like is uh my my 13 year old self again who just wants to like hide and be hugged and like be with my family and like my family from my family has changed so much from when I was 13 to like when I was 13 we I had a perfect family unit now like my mom's been to rehab several times I've been to rehab several times they're divorced like so much of the past that is being brought up no

longer exists to me either so that brings up a lot of internal pain too I'm like I was gonna say we're gonna go through that because I think again like so much of what has happened to you like why we're like about to talk about something that's like immediate actually has so many layers that has happened in your life that got you to this point. Let's go back kind of to like your childhood because you referenced, which I think a lot of people can relate to,

like the life you once knew completely shifted. And now as an adult, you look back on that. So talk to me about your childhood in Maryland from like beginning to like 10 years old, like that, like adolescent, like young kid, what was going on at that point? I had like, I had a wonderful childhood. Like I, it was my mom and my dad together. I have an older sister. She's two years older. I was always the performer of the family. Like I, my sister would never want to be in front of a camera

and she was so happy when I was born because I was like I'm ready but man where's where are the lights baby like give me something but you were like a very like outgoing happy like performative kid yes yes yes I was such a happy kid I was I was generally happy for like up until 10. Like shit was good. I like life was good. My mom like ran our worlds. Like, like she, if you asked anyone in my neighborhood or even like the surrounding neighborhoods,

they knew who my mom was. She was like on the board of everything. We were signed up for all, all of these things. We went to church every Sunday as a family and then would walk to dinner as a family right after. Like it was such a classic, like really lovely, privileged upbringing.

Like I am so grateful for that upbringing. And up until 10, like, yeah. I was gonna say, what was school like during that time? School was good. And I started off at like a co-ed religious school nearby. Okay. Which like yeah religious and we went to church but my parents now recount that as like we just wanted to see if

you liked it. Like they're not like my mom was telling me from like two years old she was like if you're gay it's okay because she was like I know this bitch wants to wear heels for his third. Like come on. And so my mom knew like they knew maybe the church wasn't going to be like our calling but I think they just wanted us to have structure so I went

to a co-ed religious school until fourth grade and then I moved to an all-boys school episcopalian school for fifth grade where you wore coat and tie every day. How rough. Rough. I mean, fifth to sixth grade was like fine because it's like, I were like going through puberty. I realized I was gay in sixth grade, but like I like fifth grade was just like, I was a, I was an athletic kid. Like I was,

I think like the second fastest in the grade. So in like fifth grade at an all boys school, that's like status clout, bitch. Like you are. I was like, yeah, I'm the second fastest. You guys, you can't say shit. Like, what do you want? That's literally clout. No, it was like I was on top. I was on top. And but not anymore. But I like fifth, fifth and sixth grade were both good. It was like it.

Everything changed. Home and school around the time that I came out in seven at the end of seventh grade is when I is when I came out. I remember I tried to like come out in sixth grade. I like mumbled to a friend that I was gay and they were like, what? And I was like, nothing. Never mind. I was just like, I don't know how to put to. I don't. Yeah. Never mind. I can't., I don't know how to put to. I don't.

Yeah. Never mind. I can't. No. I don't even know what I just said. What? What? Lunchtime?

Okay. Yeah. Let's go. Let's go run. Yeah. And then when you came out in seventh grade. And was that like a positive? At the end of seventh grade. Yeah.

Was it a positive experience? Initially, yeah. I came out at theater camp because in addition to boarding school and college, I went to theater camp every summer. Love. Love. Jesus Christ. Thank you to my parents, by the way, for allowing me to do all this shit.

They're like, our little faggot. You can bleep that one. I'm so sorry. But they're literally like, they really, to their credit, they said, follow your dreams. They were both lawyers. And they said to both me and my sister, like, you guys can do what you want. We want to work hard so you can do what you want. And I really, I will always appreciate that.

But I came out at theater camp to one of my friends who's actually also on TikTok now. He goes by Julian Cookies. And we, he was like the gayest at camp. And so I was like, I need to tell someone that one, like that one in the short shorts and the tank top who speaks in the high voice, that's going to be the one. So I like went up to, I, I like asked him to talk one day and like told him I was, I think I might like, like guys I'm bi. And then he was like, that's great.

He had such like a casual reaction about it. And I was like, oh, right. such like a casual reaction about it and i was like oh right yeah casual reaction yeah okay it's cool and so then when i went home just and we're starting to go back to school i knew because i know how i know how the girlies work i was at the all boys school and the girl school was right across the street so i told three girls knowing that that shit was gonna spread I said I said I'm gonna actually let you do your do my work for me like spread it like wildfire spread it babes I'm gonna say please don't tell anyone and here we go by lunchtime I knew what was gonna happen so I

told a few girls um and it started getting around but then I didn't tell my parents because I was like waiting to have a moment with them, but I didn't know when. But this was also around the time that my mom was starting to go into a depression and she would drive me to school every morning. And like one of the mornings around this exact same time started sobbing and was like, I'm an alcoholic. And this is me like seventh grade or eighth grade now being driven to school. It's like 730 a.m. But I'm like, I don't know what to do with myself at that point. I didn't know how to have any conversations. I wasn't in therapy yet. And and you're in seventh grade, eighth grade at this point, I think, because I had just come out. Yeah, it was it was it was a lot like eighth grade period. You could have the best life at home and eighth grade is going to be tough. But that started happening. And then one of the girls told that had already become really like scary for us

at that point and so I never got to come out to my parents so there's actually it's been a little bit of a theme I feel like that um throughout my life with these big moments people have shared things for me and maybe that's why I've become such an oversharer because I think if I beat everyone to the punch maybe I won't feel violated and then but oversharing has made me come off as annoying so it's like you can't win it's either I close it off and then I continue to feel violated because people share things about me that I didn't want out or I overshare and he talks too much all he loves the sound of his own voice all he does is fucking yap on the internet and I'm'm like, I know there's no way to win.

And I'm not saying I'm fighting a war that's harder than what anyone else is going through. But it is really, it's like a mental game of tennis. We're consistently playing with ourselves, trying to find like, how much am I supposed to share today? And should I be mysterious? Or am I the person that's relatable and loves to share things? Or do I just be myself but who am I anymore because I've tried to just edit who I am over and over again to appease what you like but it turns out no matter what like there's not going to be people who like you

and that's like fucking yeah basic internet 101 but no but it's but it's it is interesting to connect it to the real world of you being like it had there is a theme in your life of like you're not getting the opportunity to have autonomy over your decisions or your life or your voice and it keeps getting taken away from you so the only rational thinking is get ahead of everything but then you're not able to actually live your life and like be feel safe you're constantly on your toes being like oh my god if this is going gonna come out then I should do and it's like holy fucking shit that's not normal no validate you yeah that is not normal and I'm sorry that happened to you in school because we all know how fucking miserable middle

school is in general and going through like having to come out in general it's like why the you shouldn't have to do that nowadays. Like let's. Well, and that's like to my dad's credit because I never ended up coming out to him either, but he always says whenever people ask him, like, when did Christopher come out to you?

And my parents and anyone who knew me before age like, um, 10, I demanded everyone called me Christopher. I was not Chris. So my dad can, he like physically can't call me Chris. So everyone called me Christopher. I was not Chris. So my dad can't, he like physically can't call me Chris. So everyone calls me Christopher. And it's a cute little like anecdote if you're, if you know me from the past, which is funny because sometimes the

internet does that now too. And I'm like, it feels like we know each other. Should I call you Christopher? Hit it. Like, go for it. We're close now. Love, we're close. We're getting cozy. It's happening. We're childhood at this point, baby. Love, we are. We are. for it we're close now love we're close it's happening we're childhood at this point baby but my dad has always said to people when they say so when did he come out to you he's like he didn't and neither did his sister and neither did either of them have to why did they why did I need to have a conversation with them about who they want to love that's their business and I'm excited

if for whoever he wants to love maybe if it were if it were a girl. Great. If it's a guy. Great. And he and this is like a this is like a just like a white straight guy from South Carolina. This is my like he is a lawyer like like is not someone who you would immediately look at and be like progressive man. I feel safe to fly my flag around you. Not that he seems unsafe, but like I wouldn't like there. Maybe that's why people ask him, because there's like maybe a little bit of a prejudgment of like you. You're kind of like this classic American man. What's it like having this son?

And he's like, what do you mean? You know, like what what is this question even asking your dad sounds like a fucking angel and obviously like there are so many people that will watch this that are like oh my fucking god i wish that like my dad i did that but i think we all have learned like it's okay if it's not your dad there's someone at theater camp that can be like oh cool get in our posse, bitch. Like, there is someone out there for everyone to, like, confide in and have that, like, beautiful acceptance and not have to be like, we, I'm not different. I'm me.

And we're all different. Like, dude, your dad sounds fucking amazing. He's the best. that whole coming out scenario. Cause my mom in that car ride said like, okay, I know that this is something you're doing, but like maybe just don't tell anyone because you might like, people might be mean to you. And I know she had good intentions in that,

but I felt really invalidated in that moment and thought, and I was in eighth grade. I was in this time when you're like, I don't even want to talk to my parents period. And so I'm sure she said that. And I was like, okay. And then we just didn't speak for the rest of the car ride. And I know that's like,

there's so many worse ways that coming out can go. And so I kept thinking like, you can't be upset about this. Like you came out and they didn't kick you out. You're still going home. Everything is still fine. So like get your shit together and don't be upset but i do think chris it's christopher period christopher um i do think it's

interesting i think i had this conversation with rupaul at one point of like it's so convoluted of like our parents most of the time most of the time are trying their best and so are we and there's this like gap that we can't bridge so like your mother looking at you as like her little baby being like of course don't come out it it from what i understand from your parents being progressive it was like actually her trying to protect you but what she wasn't understanding is this little boy that was like i have been waiting i whispered it to a friend they didn't hear me so i took it back. Like you were needing someone to be like, whenever you're fucking ready, we're going

to stand right next to you. But it's like, and she was also going through so much. And like she had a, both of my parents had insanely tough childhoods. And so a lot of the things that I go through with them now, I have to find a lot of forgiveness because of how they were raised and how great they're doing all considering. But like both of them were abused mentally and physically by their family members. So then your mom starts drinking. She had been drinking.

I think like, you know, she maintains that she was an alcoholic for most of her life but like we grew up when I grew up she was like the wine mom yeah like she wasn't she was never really like there was never a point in time in which I was like my mom is wasted and in fact like it's like I don't know exactly how to say this because there were times we had good moments with her when she was drinking. She was almost, she was self-medicating with alcohol. And I think that was what was really confusing to us because at some of her rehabs it's just really tricky because i don't want to exactly say like she was great when drunk and then she hears this and is like so i'm gonna start drinking again you know what i mean like no i get what you're saying so let me i'll just go back a second no yeah take your time

like can i just say i have people in my life that are alcoholics and I've seen that you when someone is an alcoholic for the most part like understandingly we're about to get to your life story also but from watching your mother there is this like a lot of their personality yeah for a majority of their life if it it started young. Is like pretty intertwined with drinking. And if they are a functioning alcoholic. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

They're able to show up. And you're like. They're the fucking funnest person ever. And you're not seeing. When the minute the bedroom door is closed. How much darker it can get. Or whatever. It gets dark.

But if you're only seeing the like fun wine mom. Like. I can understand why you're like. It wasn't that bad. Right. It also wasn't even like wine mom. That was like. you're like it wasn't that bad right it also wasn't even like wine mom that was like I'm drinking the whole bottle like or maybe I didn't see that too but like when you're a kid growing up if your mom is one kind of way you just accept her as she is that's your mom you know and it's been there's just been like such, I really do feel for her in that moment of the coming out story because she had just started going to AA. I don't think she had gone to rehab yet.

She knew that there was something wrong with her. And wrong with her is also like maybe the wrong word to say. It's like there was something going on mentally that like she knew she needed to address. And there was also so much going on mentally with me. And I didn't know none of us knew how to communicate or go about any of this. And I really I really do feel for her. And our relationship is consistently in in flux because when you get sober at 50, there's a lot of things you've you have then learned how to do that not drinking anymore is not going to undo is not just going to immediately rewrite and we

we still have a really tough relationship today but I really do like love her and feel for her and I I hope we can get back to a place that things are better. You know, like I know she's going to be listening to, like she is, she's the most supportive mom ever. There's, everything she does operates out of love. I feel like I'm kind of going off track now. No, but can I just, I want to validate you also because, and I can imagine how many fucking people are listening to this right now

being like, preach, Christopher, Christopher preach of first of all even if you have what looks like the most perfect family life child family parent dynamics are so fucking confusing and and they're so deep and it's especially if you are an only child versus if you have siblings and if you're the middle or you're the youngest or your oldest and then what are the parents working with and what is their trauma what is their baggage it's like nothing is ever going to be perfect when you have your relationship with your parents that's a fucking fact but it's i actually really respect you for being real of like if someone came on here was like we have the perfect relationship well no you don't no one has a fucking perfect relationship with anyone your significant other

your friends your parents so to acknowledge that you and your mom had essentially at one point in your lives it was like the beginning of a lot of things you had to work through individually and together that's really really fucking relatable and everyone's story is different but like you sitting here getting nervous about your mom watching this i want to like tell you you're doing an incredible job speaking about it because it's no one is confused that you love this woman so much but i appreciate you clarifying like but we got shit to work on that's gonna be the day like till the day we all fucking die i have shit with my mom i have shit with my dad and to my friends my life may look more perfect than theirs whatever fuck no we've got our shit i just want to say that because i i know it's weird

our lives like being in front of a microphone and cameras, and then, like, our parents and our family has to deal with it. Well, yeah, like, I know they're going to watch this, and I know, like, and we actually haven't spoken since, like, that much since Christmas, because there was a big, like, we just had a moment at Christmas.

And, like, I posted on her birthday. When was her birthday? And, like, I texted, I posted on her birthday. When was her birthday? And like, I text, I also texted her. It was July 31st. She's also Leo. And like, that's like, I am like, I'm a, I grew up. I'm like, she was my, she was my everything. She was my best friend.

She was my biggest cheerleader. And she still is and that's what i think makes all of it so much harder because like i look at her and i want a relationship with her too oh god this is just like the and these are all things that like i i also want to talk about i may need to talk about with her at some point but families are really tough like I don't blame her for what was happening in that moment yeah to go back to the main point and I think to close out that also is like everyone wants like when you there's a moment everyone can like close their eyes and think about when like their life seemingly felt like stable. Right. Like, Ooh, I have this one picture in my head.

Maybe for some people it was childhood. Maybe for some people it was like their teenage years or whatever it was. You can like pinpoint that summer or that Christmas that you're like, it really felt good. But it's hard because at the end of the day, like you're talking about literally the woman that birthed you and you have such a connection to this human being yeah but it's complicated and we can leave it at that because i get it like there's wounds there and you're still dealing with things and aren't we all and like i validate you i also wanted to go back quickly to like while your mom is like saying this to you in the car like i'm an alcoholic you i'm assuming like we're

dealing with things at school once you came out like being in all boys school talk to me were you bullied yes but not to the again not to a level of like i was like people were really yeah like i wasn't like physically assaulted during these things but it was an all boys school like i i um it was the era of ask fm ask fm for the people who don't know is like it wasn't form spring also yeah like i think ask fm was second wave form spring so like someone and this is actually topical to what happens today like someone hacked my facebook and saw me talking about liking a guy in my messages and screenshotted it and spammed my ask fm with it and was like i'm gonna send this to people i'm gonna send this to people i'm gonna send this to everyone i'm gonna send this

to him like the person i was talking about and i fucking tried to like uh hack into the mainframe that shit like i like tried to find the IP address. I don't know. Me and my friend were trying to find ways to do this. But I was like, I never found out who it was. There was no way to ever find out. But again, your life, someone trying to expose you for what? Liking a guy?

Yeah. Like I have, there have been just so many moments, I guess I'm like literally now realizing that like, I just have not had choice to share myself the way I have wanted to. And like the way I had planned to and was hoping to. And it's like you, it's this continuous violation that I've tried to like maintain being on top of, but it's like, it's impossible to do that. But can I ask you like in moments like that, right? Where I think

I read an article and you were like, Oh my God, like, I remember I like wore Doc Martens to school one day and everyone was saying I wore heels. It's like, what the fuck? When people are like targeting you or name calling or coming for you back in the day at that point, like how did it affect the way that you felt about yourself and your sexuality I think I masked a lot with anger at those days and like I don't remember like I don't think I cried a lot in that era at all even when my mom was going to rehab I think well it actually became like a a tactic that I learned at one of her family programs because she was sitting across from me it was only me my dad and her and I was like 14 at this point and we were at one of her family

programs in the middle of nowhere in Tennessee and we were doing family group which is all of the rehab members and their families sit in a circle and then two people pull their chair into the middle. I was the youngest one there at that time. So it's me 15 and my mom in the middle with a therapist right next to us. And my mom, I remember I was so I didn't know how to deal with my feelings again. I wasn't like a crier at that point and I did not like crying. And she started crying. I think it was also an all-boys school thing where you get conditioned that crying it was like toxic masculinity was seeping in and it was like crying was weak and crying was bad so I had been socialized to that at that point my mom is sitting across and eventually starts sobbing to me that like I've been a bad mom and

I don't like I I feel like I've missed out on your whole childhood and the therapist turns to me at 15 and is like so now what your job is now is to comfort her and make her feel better and like tell her that that's not true like christopher like because i think to this therapist credit not that she should get that much credit because that wasn't the way to go about it was she had only dealt with adults whom but even then I don't think that's the way to go about this scenario and I was sitting in that chair and I remember starting to almost cry and I tried this thing for the first time where I was like if I repeat don't feel in my head I won't and I was like just I just sat there like like put my arms by my side and like

took deep breaths and was like don't feel don't feel don't feel anything and like kept trying to like well the tears down and now I think about that like 15 year old and I'm like feel feel everything like I just I I wish I could hug that kid and be like, and also tell that therapist like, no, it's. It is not this kid's job to make his mom feel this kid is the last one. This kid is you have a kid across from you who's trying not to cry because he doesn't feel like there's any space for him to. And. All I wish I could do is like, I I don't know just take myself to the side and be like we don't have to go through this right now this is not this is not your job to hold the emotional labor of both of these things and again to my mom's like my mom was going through it she

did feel like she was a bad mom and I did want to tell her in that moment that she wasn't but I didn't I froze I didn't know how to speak. And like. I remember I like the next day they were like, OK, that seemed like a lot for you. And they like let me like play with the horses. And I was just and like my mom, like there was a time when I was it was me, my dad and my mom sitting doing a workshop. And my mom like told my dad something really traumatic from her childhood. And he stood up and stormed out and she ran out to follow him. And then I was just sat there in the room with all the rest of the people like coloring in this workbook. And I didn't cry about these things because I think all of that had become normal. It was like the more chaos that's happening, the more normal. And so when I was like playing with the horses

the next day, I was like, I think I was I was like this is nice but I turned off my feelings right and at like 15 I wish I hadn't done that because it took me such a long time to get to a place where I felt like I could be emotional again and could reconnect and hold that space like and this kid he didn't yeah he just uh like no one was no one was telling him what was okay to feel yeah it I I have spoken to people before and I've had people in my life that have talked to me about how like I think a lot of kids that experience any type of like addiction in their household or abuse you are adultified very quickly because you either need to assume the role of the adult because you need to take care of the addict or if you're getting abused you need to be self-sufficient and you need to find a source of how to continue to live and it feels like what

you're saying is like your family got so good at just like we don't really talk about things things just happen and we move and we and you sitting there hearing what your mom said that was so dramatic and then you're like keep coloring in the lines yeah just keep going it was like a literal worksheet and was like just keep going I guess and then go back to school and make sure your grades are up yeah because then I would go back to school and like uh that my parents would tell the teachers what had happened but the teachers would be like you know it's really not great that you missed like the past few days and I would just be like yeah like I don't really know what else to do I'm just like my mom's in

rehab I'm coming out no one seems to like me at school like I'm the gay kid and um I think I just became okay with like nothing was okay and I started failing my classes and I was like yeah I guess I'm just not meant to like be happy like I think like my life is maybe just like it's just not going to be like some of the other ones and that's and like maybe that's okay and maybe um like I don't know there were so many times that I was kind of ready to go because I didn't see an end and I remember I was like driving home with my dad once, once my mom had gone to rehab. I remember like turning to him in the car and

because everything happened so fast, but also there was no preparation for when things were going to end. I remember turning to him and being like, mom seems kind of different. Like everything's different, isn't it? He was like, yeah, it is. And then mom seems kind of different like everything's different isn't it he was like yeah it is and then we just kind of like continued driving in silence and it was just a silent acceptance of like that childhood that I was talking about where like we were on top of everything my mom was on the board of everything we went to all these amazing um things and everyone knew my mom it was gone like immediately. And I never really got to say goodbye. And I was telling a friend the other day about like these car rides

where in the morning it was, there was, it was filled with vitriol and I was really scared. And my mom would either be crying or get mad at me because I wasn't sharing enough, which we now know has been like is borderline personality disorder slash bipolar but then on the rides home we would have a good time together and it was like she was and she said one time in rehab she was like in her rehab she was like do you remember how I was always a little happier on the rides home and I realized it was because she was drinking but I was like I didn't realize that like I should have held on to those like seemingly um seemingly like mild moments with her whether they were like yeah we can stop by CVS and get or stop by 7-Eleven and like get you a slurpee I would be like okay and this is also the age that I wasn't I was annoyed by my parents period

regardless of what was happening so I didn't appreciate it. it seems so like it's it seems so low-key like go to 7-eleven but like just get a she would let me like pick out a treat and I didn't know that those were some of the like last good moments we were gonna have together and I just wish I did because I probably didn't appreciate them being like a eighth grader who was like like thanks uh yeah I'll grab something like I probably we probably didn't even like talk about it and that's what's so hard because right now I'm doing so many things that when I was a kid we talked about together. Like I would always joke to her that like I'll bring you to. Sorry. No.

I'll bring you to like. I was a mama's boy. You saw the photos. I was like, I'll bring you to, like... I was a mama's boy. You saw the photos. I was like, I'll bring you to... I loved her so much, and I still do. And I would, like, hold her face and be like, I'm going to take you to every red carpet with me. I'm going to get you a house near me in LA. And now I'm, like, doing these things.

And she's asked before to like come along and it's just so complicated now because i know my i've been through a lot of therapy and i know boundaries are important but i wish we could like and i like i know she's gonna hear this too, and I, I do, I do wish we could do those things together, and I do think that we will, but we have a lot of work to do, of course, um, but I know it's not all bad, and that, like, you know, nothing's, like, fully lost, and I, I really do trust that we're going to have a relationship again. But if I had known that everything was going to change in eighth grade, I would have held on to it. And I would have like maybe like none of us just none of us talked as a family.

Like I mentioned my sister, like we were going through this together and we did not talk about the fact that we were going through it together until my second rehab um i what i cry a lot about these days is like missing what i didn't realize was leaving in the past but i was gonna say like i feel like when you're talking about that like slurpy moment which is like every kid has that if you like again think of that moment with one of your parents that was so euphoric and perfect what you're really talking about is the feeling you got from that moment it's not the fucking slurpy it's not the seven it's that feeling with your mother and that like perfect feeling you had and like the closeness you felt with this woman

unfortunately when we're kids we have no fucking comprehension of this woman is 50 something years old right so we're not even there yet chris you know what i mean like we're we're we're young right now so the amount of life that woman had lived and the amount that woman sitting in that car to you that memory was so happy but clearly she was fucking struggling right right that's what's so confusing about it too because she retells those times as like that was when i was going through the hard time and like i'm sitting there being like whoa oh like that was like a good memory we had together and i'm never on the camp of like and so drunk her was better her no not at all but like I'm like that was so that was just the mom I had gotten used to as a kid growing up

yes and like I think that is maybe why it's so I miss those times too because that was maybe before I started feeling these violations of people sharing things against my will. It all started around that time. So I felt like I was maybe like still allowed to be a kid and allowed to be like my loud and angry self. And like I got into this, this is a bit of a deviation, we'll come back. But like I got into this field and like felt like this career and felt like i was honoring that kid by like being this loud and like crazy guy and so that is what makes the hatred against specifically that hurt so much harder because it's like if it is me receiving it but it's also, the, like, kid in eighth grade who is coping by, like, being loud and, like, being a theater kid. And, like, okay, like, every summer, maybe, like, every time, like, maybe, like, being home sucks, but at least I have theater camp every summer.

And, like, that's what one of my friends said in my intervention. She was, like, because I never got drunk at theater camp and there were people who would but even in the middle of my addiction there were there was a three-week theater camp one summer and I didn't drink the whole time and she was like do you remember that and like I didn't feel like I needed to because like theater camp I was so like I did I never needed to get drunk the other times but like the moments of me being so expressive and loud are when I'm honoring myself the most or when I'm being my most self. So the more I quiet myself is the more I want to be destructive. Yeah.

Like that, this itch turns on in the back of my head. And like, if I'm fully honest, like it definitely turned on over the past month. Like and a lot of people were being like, I'm worried about his sobriety and I'm not I'm not like throwing. I'm not about to go like go fucking get drunk. But like it makes me feel like. I want to be quiet. And that all that does is build up this energy. That's like the devil on my shoulder that just wants to like destroy himself but like you just talked about and this is why I really appreciate you like going through all this with me because there's so many things that are connected of like you wanting to

speak up about first we're talking about your sexuality and then you're like wait I don't think I can do that and then you go inside and then you get you feel like you can't be yourself and it's the same thing with like going through this at rehab with your mom and you want to speak up and you actually are like no wait I don't want to talk about you being a good mom right now but they're like no no talk about this you go inside and every time you go inward you feel like you're just like abandoning your actual emotions and you're just like what the fuck am I doing and every time you're loud what people call is loud every time you're expressing yourself it is that theater kid being like i'm fucking happy i'm myself i'm free i'm enjoying myself but i do before we go into now your journey i do just want to also point out the thing that you were talking about of like being in the car ride with your

father and like realizing everything is different now i feel like this is just like something it's not even like a question it's just a statement for people listening it's like this whole story so far something that's very important to take away is like we are all fucking lonely when we are isolated and we are not meant to be alone and so that young fucking kid looking up at his dad while he's driving you home what you're really asking your dad is like i'm terrified everything is changing my whole world is falling apart help me but you don't have the tools to do that and that is on the adults but again now we've talked about it but the adults are fucked up from the abuse they've endured from previous generations so it's

like this is all passed down trauma of like generations. But to talk about it on a podcast like this is helpful because if you end up deciding one day you would want to have a family and have children, you will be at least a little bit more cognizant than maybe the previous. And that's all we can fucking do is talk. Yeah. And I give so much credit to my dad, even though maybe he didn't know what to say in that moment like I'm so I feel I'm not like I it was every space for me at that point had become unsafe I think home wasn't safe school wasn't safe like I learned just to like the most safe was like alone and I think I I slide into that a lot like and i know that's a relatable thing i'm not saying like oh i'm like the only lonely person out here but i learned like no one's on my side and that's unfair to the people who i know really wanted to be but that's what i felt in the moment that's

all that i felt i just felt no one's on my side and my dad didn't know how to talk to his son who had just came out and who was obviously very depressed but didn't know it and my dad was also like his life was falling apart too like I love my dad so much and that's another thing we missed out on in those eras was we weren't close. But his marriage of 22 years was falling apart. His, like, wife was in rehab. And his kids wouldn't talk to him. He really tried his best. As much as't talk to him. He really tried his best

as much as I pushed against him. He really tried his best. He actually is the reason I'm a Swifty. My dad is the biggest Swifty in the world. Maybe not the world, but like, my dad is a fearless era Swifty. When You Belong With Me was happening, like he was the one who got me onto her.

And I'm not lying about that. This is a very secure, straight man. What is your dad's name? Chris. He's also Chris. I'm a junior. Christopher? The original, you're a legend. He is. He is. And like he, and that's a way we didn't even know, but we

would, like, maybe we would be in silence but like you were bonding he tried he really tried and as like a guy who grew up in the south and like doesn't maybe didn't have like a gay guy friend growing up like i was a new thing to him and like i'm not here thinking like and it should be perfect immediately. But he tried really hard and it's so seen. And like, I love him so much for it. It's like you're talking about, sadly, like the most related. There are tissues over there if you want them. Also feel like I'm all over the place.

No, you're doing great. I feel like I'm like bouncing. I'm going to be really honest with you. This is like one of the most incredible interviews I've ever had. Thank you. bouncing I'm gonna be really honest with you this is like one of the most incredible interviews I've ever had thank you because you're talking about the most fucking real shit right now you are talking about like the dynamics in a fucking family haven't we all been through that haven't we all sat in our fucking room and been so fucking upset and there's different levels to it but it's like yeah the interpersonal dynamics of like mom, dad, sister, brother, whoever the fuck dealing with your sexuality, dealing with coming out to all of this.

Yeah, everyone. I'm telling you right now, every single person at home is like, thank you for and you're articulating it so beautifully of like, this is so fucking real and I appreciate you can see you like you're defending your parents but you're also addressing the pain that has happened in your fucking life two things can fucking exist but I I do want to go back to you said something that was very relatable and I know this led you to something that really affected you and still affects you to this day but it was like you talking about being alone and you were like I felt my safest when i was alone but then when i'm alone i go internal and it all starts to spiral yes you struggled with alcohol and drugs yes when was the first time you like got drunk 14 I was 14 I was with my best friend okay and we her parents were like at an event that night we were at her house and we stole some of their alcohol and like

got pretty wasted yeah parents came home and we were fucking messes and they were like what is wrong with you we both got grounded and had to clean out they had moved into that house like a few months or maybe like a year before that but there was one room that was all of the storage shit just piled up and it was their perfect opportunity to be like you know what you're doing tomorrow all day you're cleaning out that room and this was like there was it was about the size of this room shit to the ceiling i was like okay so like and listen i had a fun time when i got drunk when i was 14 but i wasn't like boom it's on like now it's happening like i didn't start i i got drunk

a few but it's also it wasn't like that accessible to me yeah my by the time my mom was an alcoholic my dad didn't keep alcohol in the house um I I didn't have like a fake until like later in high school allegedly never had a fake yeah I don't know like but like I I it was not accessible to me a lot until junior year of high school when I became really close friends with one of my classmates who lived nearby. And we would go to her house on the weekends. Because in boarding school, you still have to sign out and sign in. You're minors, so they have a lot of liability over you. So we would sign out every weekend to go to her house yep and her mom would get us alcohol and we would get drunk every weekend and so once it became really accessible then it just

became like normal yeah of course i'm doing this every weekend of course like why would i why would i if everything feels so much so much better what i didn't realize was like everything just hurt less like I I think I thought I was like oh I'm just a partier and I like have fun and like I probably thought I was like all I'm doing is like living it up with the girls and doing that when really I'm like passed out in the bathroom like covered in my own vomit like that and that happened one one time i was home home at my dad's house and i like stole some alcohol from a friend's house it was gin and tequila i didn't know anything about alcohol i poured them together into a water bottle filled it up and just drank it like this is a 15 year old doing that insane i didn't know what I had no idea I was

I was alive for the first like 30 minutes and then I remember nothing I remember being on the phone with someone and then I remember waking up like face down on the kitchen floor with vomit all the way down my side and my dad being like are you okay okay? Oh, my God. And me being like, yeah, sorry, and running upstairs and getting in bed. And then telling my dad the next day, like, I think I must have had a stomach bug. And him being like, okay, no. What happened? And I, like, lied to him about where I got it. I, like, you know, I tried to find every way to make myself not get in trouble and he would

ground me. But this was when my mom was gone. My sister was gone and he had to work all day. So he would ground me at home and find my iPhone and life. 360 wasn't a thing at that point. So he would ground me and then go to work and I would leave the house. Like, what are you talking about?

Grounded. I'm 15 and like I to work and I would leave the house. Like, what are you talking about? Grounded. I'm 15. And like, I had a bike and would bike everywhere. So it was around then. Like I started, I also started stealing a lot when I was 15, but then I got caught like a year after stealing and really was scared out of

never doing it again. But I just started doing everything that was basically like bad behavior. And like the first time I ever went to the psych ward was around 15 and this is now my mama has gotten sober at this point she's back but my parents are divorced but she has moved away and we see her every once in a while but not that often okay I like broke into my neighbor's house because we had a key for their house for emergencies yep broke into their name my neighbor's house like stole a laptop that i saw on the table and then like tried to like wipe it and make it my own or something like that it was right after i watched the movie spring breakers shut the fuck i thought i'm gonna be a bad bitch and steal a fucking laptop like i don't know what was wrong

with me a lot a lot obviously like we're going through what was wrong with me i did that then that same night my neighbors call my dad and are like hey we think someone stole something from our house we know your son is having a lot of issues right now um and there's no break it like no one broke in a key was used and you guys are the only ones that don't have a key and i remember i like lied to my dad initially and was like i don't have a key and then he sat down next to me on the bed and was like if we don't find it they're gonna call the police and search the house and then i silently like went to my closet, grabbed it and handed it over to him. And then I think I like walked calmly into their bathroom and closed the door and like looked at the

medication cabinet and was like, what should I take? Because I was like, like I can't I don't know what I'm supposed to go how I'm supposed to continue on like I just stole from a my neighbors who a house that they've trusted me we were friends with their kids growing up I got caught stealing earlier I've I'm already grounded grounded, how do I sleep forever? And like my dad ended up like, like banging on the door a bunch and to the point of me, like me opening it. And it was the first time I ever had a panic attack and was like sobbing, crying. He was like, we have to go. And he took me to the hospital and they put me in the psych ward for the first time. Cause I said, I was like, but I was at risk to myself. And like, I was honest about that because it was like, I was like but they I was at risk to myself yeah then like I was honest about that because I was like I I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now um because

again not a communicative family I think I was in therapy at that point but it wasn't like I was really in it so I was 15 before I really got to regular drinking at 17 once that started happening. Can I say, when you get out, pause. Of the psych ward. Yes. Are you coming out and are you at all having a conversation with your father? Or is it kind of just like back to like the regular scheduled programming? I think my parents came to the psych ward at the end of it for like discharge. And they were like, I mean, the psych ward's conclusion was that I have problems with adjustment in life because the therapist,

which this therapist, like don't know how you got your license. I'm a 15 year old and he's asking me, he is just going through a list of questions and it's like, do you get anxious about things? And I'm like, yeah, I do. Do you have racing thoughts? I mean, I have a lot of thoughts, but I'm not really sure if then you don't. And like, would he like, he never looked up at me, was just like checking off. And I was like, okay. And then his conclusion was no diagnosed,

like he didn't diagnose me with anything. He was just like, it sounds like there's been a lot of changes going on. He said this to my parents, like, sounds like there's been a lot of changes going on with you two. And he's just having trouble with the adjustment to that. Oh, fuck off. And so it was like, they also didn't get much closure or clarity from that. So it was just like, this is it. Bye now. And then I think I go

back to boarding school the next. And then I went back to, yeah, I went back for my sophomore year and was like, okay, thank you for sharing this because I do think it's like, you're sharing that you were struggling. You go into the psych ward. They're unable to even like help regulate you or even be like, maybe this kid is fucking depressed maybe we need to sit this kid down maybe this kid has a substance abuse issue whatever it is maybe let's chill for a second and all have many many many conversations to help this child which just makes me so fucking sad for so many fucking kids go through this where it's like all you fucking wanted someone to do was pay the fuck attention to you and ask what do you need how can we help how can we support you let's all come together

let's maybe not have you go back to school for a minute let's actually like there were so many things that like could have happened but they didn't and then you're at this boarding school and you're also abusing alcohol do you start using drugs in college or high school? Drugs, like college. Because, yeah, there wasn't much access to them in high school. But in college, you know. And I also went to college at Berkeley in Boston. So that's like so many colleges there.

So like the drugs are around if you want them. I'm 26. I have to remember. I'm 26. You're like, where am I? am i yes oh my god so we probably were in boston like right overlapping i'm i just i was 29 so i just turned 30 so like where'd you go to college bu oh my god yes burt and berkeley and bu are like right next to each other i would go see shows at bu all the time like that is crazy that is crazy yeah but as you know boston is

college oh boston is just one huge college and you're in a city and you're also meeting people out of college that have access to drugs like oh I remember seeing it all out of college who like oddly want to hang around a lot of college kids and you're like sketch and and now we realize we're like that was weird when you're in it you're like oh yeah my like 30 year old friends and you're like oh shit that was actually really kind of fucked up so you're drinking it, you're like, oh, yeah, my like 30 year old friends. And you're like, oh, shit, that was actually really kind of fucked up. So you're drinking one day. And this is in college. You walk into your kitchen and your entire family and your friends are there to give you an intervention.

The drinking had got to the point where I couldn't go to sleep sober. And I would cry all the time when I was drunk, which was the indicator of like, as we said, I learned how to not feel sober. So I was crying all the time drunk. So I, everything had gotten to, and I was also like doing a bunch of other drugs, anything. So I wouldn't be sober. So I walk into my kitchen and my entire family is there. It's like my mom, one of my family friends' moms, my aunt, my uncle, my dad, my sister, two of my best friends from college, and an interventionist. And I walked in and I just sat down. I didn't protest. I knew what was happening, but I also didn't know that the deal was, and now you have to go to rehab today. Basically, it's like at an intervention, you sit down and everyone reads how your alcoholism and addiction has impacted you them and it's very emotional and people who aren't there also send in letters so

like my grandma my Filipino grandma who's been in a bunch of my TikToks had to send in a letter and all that stuff and then they finish it with like and so now we need you to go to Florida to rehab today and I remember being like oh well, well, I can't. Like, I have to finish school. Like, let me finish the school year and I'll go this summer. Like, let me do a summer rehab, you guys. Like, this is fucking with the plan. And then the interventionist is like, okay, are you refusing help? And I was like, yeah. And then he was like, okay, everyone turn to the next page. Next page in their packets is how I'm no longer in their lives. And everyone goes around saying you will no longer exist to us.

Like I've cut you off financially. I will not respond to a single text. I'll not do anything. It's going around and he gets my sister and she breaks down and is just like, don't let dad read his letter. And my dad started crying too. And as I've said, my dad like rarely cries and seeing him cry. I just knew at that point what it was. It was like, you're going to be homeless and cut off from the family.

You'll never be like, I will be alone. And as I said, I felt alone was safe, but like I could not be that. Like I knew it was, I was backed it. I was forced into it in a

good way like I needed to go to rehab but that was the end of it oh and my my aunt was there one of my aunts who was now she passed away a year after I got sober um but she was also there and like I think her like breast cancer had come back around that time. So she was there. And like seeing her there saying how confusing it was to see me go through this was also heartbreaking at its time. But I was not surprised when the intervention happened. I was really destructive and like crying when I was drunk, angry when I was drunk. I would yell at my friends like if they wanted to help me, I would like push them away. I was like, so I was drunk. I would yell at my friends. If they wanted to help me, I would push them away. I was letting out, I think, all of the feelings that from 15 on, I had learned to not feel when

I said don't feel. And then when you're drunk, it just comes out. It just comes out. So you go to rehab. And I remember reading, like you said, after after getting sober things didn't just completely change overnight like you still lightly were participating in activities that you weren't proud of yeah what patterns like with yourself were you kind of like still engaging in like well when I went to rehab when I stopped drinking a month in, I lost like 25 pounds because of like the literal like alcohol flushing out of my body basically. And I started going to the gym. So I got in shape and I was like I had gotten male attention in a way that I hadn't received it before. And like it's a slippery slope once you're sober because it's really easy to get addicted to anything else and so I think like my sexuality is what I leaned into and like I

was like posting thirst traps all the time on Instagram doing that shit like I was like just being I was just trying to I was like that was my, that was what my, like, addiction turned into, was, like, that and also, like, using my sexuality for control and power and feeling like, oh, I have worth. That's what it was. I was placing my shit like that. But also even saying that, like, I don't blame myself for those moments because we've all done, like, to a certain degree something like that but it had gotten to a point where it was like I was doing it at a level where like I knew it was past what I when I was logically thinking was comfortable with like when I was walking around day to day I was like I don't like that this is kind of what I'm doing like I if I'm if I'm really honest with myself I think that time, if OnlyFans had been as big, that's what I probably would have done that.

But like I didn't. And like then that's not like again, that's not a slight to anyone who does OnlyFans live your dreams. But like at that era, right after becoming sober was not something I should have been playing with. But I leaned into it because it was also really used to doing the wrong thing often. Right. Like you're I right like you're i i get what you're saying it's like you you can't just go from one thing that you're like yes that you have an addiction to to being like okay and so it's like in a way it's like working out and like leaning into embracing your sexuality and sending these things like at first glance could be like yes

chris like this is good. Lean it. But then it's also like, again, you started to take it too far to the point where your brain is like, should I stop or should I keep going? And where do I know when I'm empowering? But also like I kind of feel icky when I'm doing this stuff. And who am I doing this for? And am I looking for validation? It's all over the place. Relatable. Like I have had so many fucking moments that I look back on as a young girl being like, why did I send that picture? Why did I send that video? as into or you put up with something that you weren't interested in because it made you

feel cooler because the person whatever it is right right we all go through it yeah let's talk about the photos and videos that brings us now full circle that just leaked online you said that they came from a non-consensual experience with a photographer how did this shoot come to be so at that point when I was posting these like fitness photos on social media, like fitness photos, they're thirst traps. I'm honest. Like I was posting like a lot of like body pics and photographers would reach out and be like, can we work together? And like, we'll just mutually post each other. Like we're not paying each other or something like that. And I was like,

yeah, sure. Great. And like the first few that I did were just that, like there are, there are some wonderful photographers out there that I'm like still friends with that. I had a good time,

but like there was a point at which I did one. And at the start of it, he asked me to like sign a release and I had never seen a release before in my life. This is pre any content. So I was like, I don't really like know what this is, but he was like,

Oh, you just have to like, in order for us to start, we have to do that. I was like, I don't remember like doing that with anyone. He was like, you can read it if you want,

but like most people don't. He's making it seem like, so I was like, Oh, okay. So I was like, and I'm also like this was like and I'm also like this like 19 year old who's kind of like I'm like I don't want to like upset this older guy. So let me just sign like what what's the worst that can happen? Let me get it over with.

And then we're like taking photos and it gets to a point where he is like asking a little bit more than I had been comfortable with and then that I had wanted to do. But again, what I learned over those past few years is the best thing you can do is not feel too loudly about something. So just like quietly do what is going to cause the least noise because i've had too much noise in my life already everything i do causes noise so okay i'll continue and when it finished like i didn't directly i i think i went back into don't feel mode it was like whatever okay and then like maybe a month later was the first time someone dm'd me and was like love this pic and i was like how did that how did you get and it was he sent me the photo and i was like how did he get that and then i asked the photographer and he was like oh yeah it's on my like one of my sites and I was like

okay um would you mind taking that down like I don't I I didn't know you were gonna put that up there I don't feel comfortable he was like well you signed the release for it um I can take it down I guess but like uh like he essentially just made me feel like I'll do you the favor maybe and I was like okay like I'm sorry I ended up apologizing and then it was out and like it was I I didn't have a big platform at the time so I was like whatever this made me feel really icky but like someone has it and that's fine but then I get this platform with a significant other um and people are then ding him these photos and me and this stuff. And I'm like, the best thing to do is ignore. Like, I can't call attention to it. The best

thing to do is pretend like it's not happening because maybe not that many people are seeing it or something like that. So I went to one of the Twitter pages of the people who had posted that photo but also other ones there are so many out that I'm like not so many don't look then I was like where the did these all come from right so I find this guy who had tweeted them and I DMed him and was like hey do you mind taking those down and he blocks me so then I just google his Twitter name and go on not signed in because you can still do that. And he tweets, I'm going to take Chris's photos down in 30 minutes. Download them now.

And so I was like, it's over. Like in this guy had like not he had like like, I don't know, 40,000 followers or something. It was enough that I was like, it's done. And then he unblocks me dms me back just took them down and I was like I saw what you said and I reported you and he was like dude I'm just a 20 year old kid like this is the only thing I have you're gonna take away the only thing I have and I was like I can't and then I didn't respond because I was like I there's no there's no conversation to be had with you um but at that point it was out

and I knew maybe don't address it for as long as I can but then I think it was that it was the the leaking photos and now people dming me being like why did you do that shoot did you think like those were gonna look good did you think you were gonna like hang them up in your house like I can never look at you the same all of that shit and i was like okay so people also don't know why it's even happened like they there's a different idea of why this is out and this is all happening paired with the annoying comments that had just started being louder and louder um after like months of hearing that over and over again. And, like, I'm saying, like, these comments of, like, I hate him and he is the most annoying creator ever,

they were getting, like, 60,000 likes. Like, these weren't, like, if it was one comment and they had, like, one like, I would be like, Chris, you're hurting yourself. But, like, these were the top of the comment section, loud as fuck, and, like, so these two things paired together is what was leading up to then. Me feeling like, okay, me ignoring it has not worked. Like, it's getting there. And I know that when I post a video about it, I'm still going to draw more eyes to it than are probably already there.

But I actually don't care. I don't care. If you want to go look it up up that's on you at this point like that if someone goes and searches that i had the same thing with madison beer when people were like well wait i can't find it what is wrong with you did you not hear the story did you not just hear the story of you literally going through something so traumatic this is getting leaked and now the first perverse thing people are thinking is like, where can I click? Shame on you.

Go fuck yourself. You have an actual problem with yourself if you're wanting to see this shit. And that's the search on every single one of the posts is Chris Wilson photos. And I'm like, disgusting. Yeah. Good for you guys. Have fun.

Like, but I was like, I actually, the violation is there. I feel violated. It's out. How much worse can it get by me telling you how this makes me feel now because I think like there is too much of this idea that

we're supposed to like remain unfazed and like be like that bitch and be like you guys can't touch me I'm the one like up here I'm'm the one in LA. It's like, no, I don't. I actually don't even feel like that. As I said, I feel like the six year old or the 12 year old or the 15 year old that everyone is pointing and laughing at right now. And I'm going to share how this makes me feel. And I posted two of those videos in the morning. And then my friend came over because we had a work session together that day and he like walks in and I hadn't cried yet I was just so fucking angry and my plan originally was find every negative comment about me click on each one of their pages find out everything about them

and make like a 20 part series about each one of them and tear them apart I was driving home and I was like I'm gonna fucking destroy all of them but that's not me like I was driving home and I was like, I'm going to fucking destroy all of them. But that's not me. Like that is not me. And I started out that day with the breakdown being like, I'm the one with the, like, I'm the one with the career, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then my friend comes in and he's like, is everything okay? And I just start sobbing for like 30 minutes. And I'm like, this is the truth of the feeling. I'm not, I don't want to clap back at you. I just want to show you how sad this makes me feel and how insane this will drive someone. I appreciate you sharing that because I think it's like, listen, there are the people on the

internet right now that are creators, right? And then the more and more that people keep berating them and hurting them and bullying them them they'll eventually prevail or they'll go away right literally literally go away or actually just decide to step back because sometimes we've seen both angles right and then someone new will pop up and that person that was new is one of the people that's currently in the comments that maybe doesn't have any followers right now and so that person pops up we've all started from zero right and so the people that pop up get these platforms and it makes me sad and I wish I could explain and I wish someone could just like live in it for two seconds where it's like people wonder why people change on the internet people wonder why when you're talking about editing yourself Chris I have sat and

watched myself for almost seven years and been like I thought that was funny but I know I'll probably get shit for it and people will think I'm like try hard or cringe so I'm gonna take it out and it's like I am try hard and cringe because I am the girl that's in the basement making the most embarrassing videos in my basement because I was getting bullied and I was like this makes me happy so when I am extra and when I am trying to be confident I'm not actually confident half the time I'm faking it to make myself remember like this is what makes you feel confident is putting yourself out there so every time someone brings us down it is you're right it is the young kid that loved this and now it's becoming not as fun because people can't just let anyone fucking live and people succeeding it threatens people it upsets them whatever it is I just think it's

important to recognize like the reason that internet personalities or celebrities change the reason that everyone shifts is because of this yes is because let's keep it real being annoying it's not a crime it's not so it's like it it upsets me that like the oversaturation of social media there's a new bar at which we we judge people and like how bad we judge them it's like we you're mad because like she did something a little cringe and like how bad we judge them. It's like, wait, you're mad. Cause like she did something a little cringe and like try harder, like not girls, girl in it.

Like, bro, like, right. Come on. Right. And like, I kill herself.

You should kill it. Like, right. How did we get there? How did we get there? And it's exactly what you were saying of like, we're, we're loud on the internet because that feels like our place where we can

express ourselves. And we feel like I am not that way. Ninety five percent of the time. Not that I'm like fully putting on a character, but like I am. I'm trying to bring out my most joyous self when I'm online. And like we all fucking know how shit it feels to be put down. Yes. Feel like shit, which I just.

But then I don't have people in my life who react by then putting other people down publicly. Yeah. We all talk shit. There are creators I don't like. There are creators I find so annoying. Same. But you will never catch me saying that online. Yeah.

Because I don't want them to see it and I don't want them to be taken down. Problematic is a different story. Yeah. But like annoying. I just scroll and like I don't have people in my life who at least I think who comment on their pages how much they hate them and so I don't I can't like relate to these people I can't under I can't like I think I try to do a good job at having empathy and like yeah putting myself in someone's shoes so I try to put myself in the shoes of someone who just commented he can literally die or he this man is the ugliest man I've ever seen or like he will win at an untalented competition every time.

And I'm like, oh, I actually like don't know anyone who would do that. So I don't know how I can like I can't relate to you. No, I nor do I even I actually don't even anyone who would do that so i don't know how i can like i can't relate to you no and nor do i even i actually don't even really want to no and like yes i can socialize myself into being like and you're a loser but i'm still gonna be sad about it yeah about what was said of course it always hurts like i used to say like it doesn't affect me and i was like lying like because i thought maybe it would like make me seem better of course it affects me i want to be liked i literally am a people pleaser i want people to like me course it affects me I want to be liked I literally am a people pleaser I want people to like me I want people to like want to be around me I want to

entertain people but at what expense of like these comments yeah I also think something that everyone can relate to and that really makes me upset for you is the moment in the photo shoot when you're like just go with it because it's better than to what make him upset and it was a complete also like abuse of power and so it's like i know you wrote or you said on social media like i have to acknowledge that i never said no and i want to say to you in my personal opinion i don't think you have to deliberately say no in a situation like that where it's so clear there is a power dynamic that is being abused. Yeah. And I'm so sorry that happened to you.

But I also want to say to everyone listening, like, how many fucking times have we been in a situation where everyone is like, why don't you just leave? Right. Why don't you say no? Right. It is so fucking complicated. And the fear. A hundred percent there's so much mentally that goes into it that actually the concept of saying no in most moments you can

already go to he's gonna hurt me he could literally fucking kill me he could do whatever it is you don't know no i don't know at all and like i that is why i did want to make the point of like i know there's not like that much accountability to take as the 19 year old in this situation. And I know they're out there because I didn't say no. And yes, there should have been maybe someone helping me, helping guide me more in that scenario, or maybe the guy could have sensed that I didn't want to do it, but it's out there. And that was another point of my video was like, I know there's accountability to take for me and that's why I'm saying now I would just like you guys to not seek out those photos or consume them I know they're out there I know a lot of it is my doing and I know I can take accountability for the fact that they're out there even if it feels

a little invasive and abusive that they're out there. I'll own that part. I will own it. But I'm asking you today to not do that. If I didn't say no then, I'm saying no now. And so now if you're seeking it out, I've said no. And that is the most I can do in this scenario. And like, it's exactly what we said earlier. Like that was all I could do. And I know I don't have the power over everyone. And there's a lot of shitty people in the world. And a lot of people did probably end up looking at them after that. But I had to know that was going to,

like, I had to just accept that. And I did, I did because like, I, at that moment i cared more about like healing the kid in me who felt like something about of him of his was shared unconsensually for the first time it's been like a big theme of our conversation at that point i just wanted to go back to him and just be like we can say that it's not fair that things are getting shared because up until that moment when my mom had been told that i came out that i came out that

and i didn't want that i hadn't said I didn't like that that got to you first like any of those moments I had not said no or held up a boundary and like this is I think the first year in my life that I am holding up boundaries and sticking with them and it's really hard especially being a person who learned to not ruffle feathers and to be quiet is the safest option normally. Holding boundaries sometimes requires you to be loud and a little bit aggressive. And that is really hard and scary. But like the payoff that comes from it is like invaluable at the end of the day. It is. And I also think something i'm taking from this is like

daddy gang watching this and listening this to this like please put yourself in christopher's shoes right now of like the little kid who is like there in maryland struggling the person that's a man sitting in front of me today like when you when your like human instinct is like oh like should I go like just quickly look imagine if it was you imagine if you were sitting in this chair across from me begging people please do not violate me again I have been violated enough I was violated in that experience I was taken advantage of in that experience I felt uncomfortable I couldn't say no I I'm saying no now. Please do not just for your entertainment at home quickly go peak because it literally is going against everything in humanity that we're talking about is like have some fucking respect

because guess what? You would fucking want it to. You would. You would. And I don't want the world to make me small again. I just found out how to be big like with this platform for the first time in my adulthood. I have tried to make myself small my entire life since things started happening when I was 14 and 15. I learned be quiet and be small and that's how you'll be safe. And over these past four years on social media, I finally learned how to be big and I can feel the world trying to make me small again and I can't let that happen and I don't want to because he deserves he deserves it bitch no I just like I I appreciate you saying that and like this conversation has been truly incredible and I appreciate you coming on here and like opening up the amount that you did because I know it's not fucking easy. And like I said earlier, I know this drags in like I've dragged in my family.

You're dragging like there's so much that goes into it. However, we're we're seeing one glimpse of what was going on on the internet right now of someone exploiting you but you giving us this backstory of like this fucking journey you have been on of like trying to get to a place where you can be like i am standing up for myself i'm creating boundaries i'm becoming healthy again like you talking about like this has been a journey and you thinking about like god my sobriety i'm so proud of you how many five years almost seven in september it's like crazy i've tripled the time that i was like a really crazy alcoholic in sobriety now and so congratulations to you and i appreciate it's like you standing up here and saying all these things it's like i think all of us can relate to like wanting to be that fun spirited like untainted self when we were younger like we

all know who we are and half of it we're not able to show because of judgment because of people being like oh you're being annoying or you're being this why can't we all just fucking accept that like of course we're all annoying yes we're all trying to figure it out we all have our demons we all have our trauma and we're all acting a specific way because of x so like i think the next time you see someone on social media maybe you think is being a little cringe or annoying maybe reserve the fucking mean comments and actually ask yourself like i wonder what that person has gone through yeah right exactly because half the people that are social media personalities are so fucked up we've all been through fucking crazy shit that we're just looking to connect yes and that's exactly it like

all of us are in this um industry or in this job because we wanted to make people happy because we spoke to people and they responded in a good way and that's all we wanted to do yeah and now listen to this entire fucking interview and And this is literally a testament. Anytime you go to fucking judge someone, think of this interview and be like, damn, you don't even know the fucking half of it. Right. Chris, I love you. I love you. You are even better than I could have imagined. You are.

As are you. The reason I am like was able to you keep saying this was such an amazing conversation. And I agree because the reason I was able to get there and feel this way is because of the like space you create and who you are as a person too and I write a little bit about that in your birthday card even before I like because I wrote it knowing that we had not met oh my god you're like I hope this I put apart like I put a part of that in there too. But I like after watching so much content of your show too is like I think for the people who are longtime daddy gang and have consumed content of you like it shows that you create space that's safe enough to share this stuff and to be vulnerable because you have also been so vulnerable on the internet for so long. Thank you. And you wouldn't be in the position you are now without sharing those hard parts of yourself

that open yourself up to be picked apart by people and for people to hate all the different parts of you. I really appreciate you taking the time. I have been truly so impressed with you and I cannot wait to see what you continue to do you're so talented and we love you here and the daddy gang loves you and we support you thank you thank you thank you for coming I love you