Call Her Daddy - Colton Underwood: A CHD Exclusive (FBF)

Episode Date: June 14, 2024

Father Cooper sits down with Colton Underwood. Colton repressed his sexuality for the first 28 years of his life; a former NFL player and Bachelor star, Colton went to extremes to promote and perpetuate a heterosexual identity. Colton sits down with Alex to reflect on his manipulation tactics and the people he hurt along the way. Daddy Gang, tune in this week to hear Colton speak on the events that brought him to rock bottom, led him to make some of the biggest mistakes of his life, and ultimately reveal his true sexuality.This episode includes discussion of self-harm. Please keep this in mind when deciding if, how and when you’ll listen. For resources on these topics, visit spotify.com/resources.

Hi guys, before we get into the episode, I just wanted to give you guys a trigger warning that this episode does contain references to suicidal ideation and attempt. Take care of yourselves, daddies. I love you. Enjoy. What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy. Daddy Gang. There is a lot of controversy surrounding this week's guest. I was debating,

should I even have this person on the show? And my initial reaction was, I am going to put this person in the hot seat because he made a lot of borderline unacceptable mistakes. Our guest this week is Colton Underwood. All you may know about him at this point is he was The Bachelor, dating 20 plus women at one time, trying to find his future wife on reality television and that whole time he was hiding a secret so big that he planned to die protecting it Colton left The Bachelor with a serious girlfriend who he intended to marry but his story took a twisted turn when they broke up and he broke down. She filed a restraining order against him. Someone tried to blackmail him and threatened to reveal his secret.

And Colton hit rock bottom and tried to take his own life. When Colton woke up from that failed suicide attempt, he knew it was time to face his true identity. Colton Underwood is gay. And this is the very complicated and controversial story of his coming out. Daddy gang, I urge you to listen to this episode with an open mind. Maybe you'll hate this dude and you have no interest in why he made the decisions he made

or after hearing more of the story than just the headlines and articles that you've read, you may be able to relate to him on some level. That is for you to decide. Colton Underwood. Yes. Welcome to Call Her Daddy. I'm excited to be here. Before watching your show, I'm going to be honest,

I had my preconceived notions. I read shit in the media. I watched you on The Bachelor. But watching your documentary, docusies, are you calling it? Docu-series? It's just a series. Series. Okay, it's a series.

To anyone that hasn't watched it yet, can you give a little bit of like the premise and like why you decided to do this? Well, I mean, I went back and forth whether I was going to do it this way or not. Mainly because I obviously had a lot of anxiety coming off of the shows that I did. But when I really sat and thought about, you know, my life and what really got me hating myself, hating my actions, hating like just really the situation that I was in, it was because of all of these things that happened in my past. And I never had somebody to look at to be like,

oh wait, this is what I'm going through. So I think eventually that's sort of why I documented basically my coming out, walking through, you know, my upbringing in the church and then playing football, all of these really masculine, toxic masculine situations that pretty much just shoved me in the closet for a long time. And I brought a lot of that on myself in no way, shape or form was this process to shift blame or focus. I take ownership where I feel like it's important, but I also am asking and calling on two communities that really have a lot of growing to do and are sort of the last in our society to really have acceptance. And that's the church and sports. In the beginning, you start, you're coming out and you're coming out to your family and your

friends. And during that process, I noticed that a lot of times, one of the first questions someone would ask you once you came out to them was, when did you know? And your response was always like about six years old, six years old. I started to know what happened when you were six that made you start to like, realize like I'm more interested in men. I think so at six, I knew I was different. If I wasn't like the other kids or I wasn't like the other boys in my class. And I couldn't really fully process it until high school to really understand that like, hey, I'm attracted to men and to other guys. So I don't think there was like one specific thing when I was six. It's so hard, but yet so simple to explain because like just like, you know, you're straight. I sort of just knew something was different, but I couldn't really be that. Cause like you said, growing, I went to Catholic grade school

too. Boys were supposed to be into girls and girls are supposed to be into boys. And that's God's word supposedly. And there was all these signals from such a young age that honestly, and I wasn't like this last year when I was first coming out, but I've had now a year under my belt to really sit and figure out why, but I feel like I was almost reprogrammed in those circumstances that I grew up in to really sort of try to rewire me. And it just didn't work. Well, that's what I remember watching the doc when you were like, my brother didn't have to come out. You don't have to come out. So why should someone else have to come out? And that's something I think hopefully like a series like yours is going to start to try to normalize. Like it shouldn't be this or there it's should be

everyone or no one. What, when you're talking about when you're younger, like, was there something that prevented you from openly talking about this? Oh yeah. I mean, you know, the Catholic church, you know, you go to confession. I went to confession once a week and you're taught from such a young age that homosexuality is a sin and, you know, masturbation is a sin. All of these, all of these things that, you know, you're, you're awkward anyway, when you're that age and trying to figure out like, you know, the first time you get a boner or like you're turned on or you're like, what is going on here with my body? But you don't really have the space to explore it. It sounds silly, but like I just remember like being turned on by boys and by other guys. So I didn't know how to process it that young.

That's why I said it didn't really fully hit me until high school. But I just knew that there was something different with me at that age. And so you made a decision openly. You were open saying like, I'm a, I'm a virgin. And do you think that that was half and half of like, because you were raised Catholic and also because you were drawn towards men or like, was it just fully one or the other? I think I was just scared to go to that next step with, you know, a woman or, you know, at the time a man, because I was like, wait, you know, I, I don't want to get myself into this if I'm gay, but also I don't want to act on being gay because

I'm scared of the repercussions in my work life. I mean, you know, at the time there was no other, other gay football players. And in college I had a very good career and I didn't want to be a distraction to the team and coaches and other players in the locker room weren't very friendly. I say I say I think in the show, too, I was like the locker room is extremely homophobic, but it's also very homoerotic where it's like slapping of the ass, you know, commenting on each other's dicks. And then all of a sudden being called a fag and queer and all these derogatories that you're like, wait, hold on. And especially for someone in the closet, you're like, this is really messed up. Can you explain to me like, what was like young Colton's experience in that locker room and like navigating it? Hiding. I mean, I would, I would, wouldn't shower after practice because I was afraid of getting turned on in the locker room or in the shower. And I mean,

I never really was attracted to anybody who I played with or coaches. So I like, it's sort of silly to even say that, but I wanted to avoid any chance of being outed. So I would not shower with the rest of the team. I would leave, I would change in a corner or change in a stall. There was just a lot of things that I sort of did differently than other players because I felt like I had to because I just I didn't want questions to start being asked. You know, I ate, drank and slept and played football like that was pretty much it. And I would not party. I would slept through my own house parties in college.

And it's because I was afraid that if I got drunk, I would be gay. Like it was literally that simple, but I didn't tell people that I was, you know, I'm more focused on my career right now. That's sort of how I leaned into it. I could never explain to the bachelor fans, like why I was a virgin. I never can give a good enough reason because I wasn't, I am a man of faith, but I'm not a man of faith to that level where it's like, Hey, I'm, you know, and I think people could read through that a little bit, but I never wanted to give them an excuse to call me gay then, because that's the next thing when you hear someone's a virgin, it's, Oh, because they're gay or maybe they're questioning things. And it's like,

I can't be the bachelor and sit in front of America and say, I'm struggling with my sexuality like that. There's not that type of space for that audience and for that position. And I knew that that's why I signed up for it. Well, that was what I like. We're going to get into that whole concept of being on reality TV, making a decision to go in front of everyone. But let's go back to what was your first like sexual experience in high school? Um, well I had a girlfriend and it was a stereotypical captain, the football team, captain, the cheerleading squad. And she put her hands down my pants. I had a boner and like, I was excited about it. But also I just remember when it happened, it felt so wrong and it wasn't wrong in the fact of like, you're sinning or

you're doing something. And it's like, this is not what you're into. Like, why, like, what is happening? Why are you doing this? Almost all that. And then the next day, then I sort of went and broke up with her. And then rumors went around the high school that I was gay because someone, you know, touched my dick. And then it was, it was that moment though, that I was like, okay, I either have to stop dating women and putting myself in this position or I have to come out and figure this out. So I just avoided it from there pretty much there on out. What did you do? Like, did you say anything to people that were like, Oh, like you're gay? Like, why did you break up with her? Like, did you combat it at all? I really couldn't. Cause they were like,

I was like, it just wasn't right. And I'm just, I wasn't feeling it. Like that was sort of my go-to when you came out. Like, did anyone have one of those moments that they were like, you know what? Like we did kind of know, like, was there any family members or friends or was it like such a secret that you, they, no one had any inclination to two people and one happened on camera with Cassidy and then the other one was my Nana and she's like the moment I heard that you were coming home with cameras again I knew what it was about and I was like oh my gosh you're like fuck I should have had you on the show did you consider she was she we filmed with her it just there was some stuff with my Illinois family that honestly,

and I'm glad that I left them out to protect. They didn't sign up for a whole lot. A lot of people didn't. And that's to credit everyone who participated in this show. To give them an opportunity to sit with that type of thing, I tip my hat. That was one of the big things for me is I'm really about to put a lot of people in my life in an uncomfortable position. The big moment was like, we were all waiting to see like, what was your dad's reaction going to be? And I'm sure so many kids like would wish that their parent would act exactly how your father did. Like it was like his support for you and him going to New York with you and being there for you. And oh my God, I remember the moment where he was like, I will tell people if you're getting sick

of telling people like I will be the one. Like how did that feel? That like when he said that I got goosebumps because I played that conversation out in my mind millions of times throughout my life. And you know, there was a version of like, I love you, I'm always going to love you, I'm going to support you. I thought that was the best. If you would ask me going into the question, what is the greatest reaction, but then he took it to the next level, which I never would have expected in a million years, a father who is a proud conservative Republican, like he has no problem with me saying that. That was the moment where I was like, holy crap, like this is, this is amazing. You know, my message to people now that I've actually had a year of sitting with

it is like, you have to give people a chance. You have to give people an opportunity. And you know, he said that too. He's like, I just wish you would have trusted me with this earlier. And you have regrets, but then also you, you, it's like, I don't want to contradict myself because I was like, I want to live my life and will I mess up? Yes. Will I make mistakes? Yes. Do I have regrets?

Of course I can do a million things better. Yeah. And that's one of them that, you know, looking back, it would have been nice to maybe give him a chance earlier in my life to be there and support me and love me. But I think he stepped up majorly when it counted. Back to the locker room. You discuss how the locker room can be one of the most homoerotic and homophobic settings. Can you explain that concept and those terms?

Yes. So I guess like the best example for me to use, and this is like a legit real example, you know, I'd be sitting in my locker and a guy would walk by getting ready to go to the shower and comment on another guy's penis size, you know, and, or just be like, dang, that's big. Or, you know, stuff like that, or say like, Oh, you like comment on a nice ass. And that's where I'm saying it's a little homoerotic or they talk about, you know, the, their sex lives very proudly or, you know, publicly and in your sort of in your face. And then within seconds, if you stare at the dick too long, it's what are you doing fag? Like all of a sudden the flip switches where there's like an appropriate time that you can look, but if you take it one second too, too long, you all of a sudden are gay. And it was super confusing because

I'm sitting here like, wait, maybe other men, especially in this locker room are questioning or struggling with their sexuality too. And then as soon as like that flicker of hope for me, it flipped to slurs and homophobia. And I'm like, okay, nevermind. It's just me. Did you make those comments as well? No, I stayed completely away from that. I kept my eyes locked on eyes at all times and I played it very, I played it very safe because I just didn't want to give anybody a reason to come at me. It's really was a mindfuck. And you never talked to anyone about it? No, I could, I honestly, I probably had people in my life that I could have trusted but I didn't trust anybody or lean on anybody.

Was there ever a moment in high school that you considered opening up to anyone? High school? No. College? Not really even college either. My thought process was always the next stage of my life. So it's like in high school, I didn't want to lose my scholarship. And then in college, I didn't want to lose a shot at being able to go pro. I didn't want to be a distraction. And then once pro, I didn't want to lose my job. And then after that, I had a lot going on and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. And then I signed up for the bachelor. And then after that, I didn't want to lose trust.

I didn't want to lose. So it was just always my thought process was always going on to how is this going to affect me in my future? How do you define internalized homophobia? For me, it was not giving myself any space to explore my feminine side. It was not me giving myself any space to really experiment or emotionally connect with men. I say that because, you know, while I was closeted, I did experiment physically. But it was and still is even to this day. Like I still talk to my therapist about this. You know, I did it just for this, you know, I did it

just for pleasure. You know, I did it to get off and then back to my straight life. That was sort of how I did things. So there was a lot of internalized homophobia and shame after I did hook up with men and sit with it. And I was like, okay, that's wrong. Literally prayed and said, okay, I won't, I'm not going to do that again. And then, you know, I'd get horny two weeks later and it's, it was a cycle. Um, but that's like the type of homophobia that I was sort of, I sort of grew up in and around and that's all that I really knew. So that's like when Gus, Gus called me out in one of the first, he's like, that's just internalized homophobia. And I was like, oh, wait, you're right. I am internally homophobic against myself. And I'm still, I will say this, I'm still shaking and catching myself at times.

I still have some homophobia, internalized homophobia in me. Little hitches here and there where I'm like, wait. And how can you not, Colton? You literally lived trying to suppress a natural feeling that you were having and like hating I'm assuming about yourself being like you said in your um series you're like I was literally praying the gay away like there were moments where I'm like please like let this be the moment that I can turn straight when you talk about hooking up with guys when was the first time that you had like a experience with a guy sexually when I was 21 and literally on my 21st birthday.

But I will say this, like I only hooked up with guys when I was single. Like there was never times when I was in a committed relationship, you know, and I was not very educated either on risks sexually, like with HIV and anything gay I didn't look at. So I never even educated myself, which I know now to do better. And I've learned since coming out about all of that. But I want to make that clear too. It's like there, you know, I didn't, when I was growing up and when I was going through all of that,

I was making sure that I at least was trying to be as respectful, not only to myself, but whoever I was involved with at the time. Were you nervous that like picking people specifically so that like, what if they told someone, you know what I mean? Like, was it people in college? Like, how did you navigate that? Like, were you terrified? No. Well, yes, I was terrified being the bachelor because I was like, oh my gosh, now my face is plastered everywhere. How, how old were you when you became The Bachelor? 26. Oh, so you were like, are these guys going to come forward?

Totally. There was a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights. And, you know, I either got lucky or I was very careful. And to be honest with you, I don't care. I'll just tell you. But to be honest with you, a lot of the men that I hook up with were, I think straight in their real life too. They were all pretty closeted themselves. So I don't think there was any man that was going to be coming out to get me because they would be outing themselves as well. And it wasn't like a ton of men. It was like a few that, you know, and they never had my real name. They never, I they never that's how like how sort of scared and

secretive it all was i remember your season i remember i watched it bachelor nation and i remember people tweeting being like i don't know if he's a virgin like fuck that like everyone go find like a chick that he's fucked and so it is fucking terrifying sometimes when you know like people will go to the end of the earth to find your shit and i can only imagine like did the bachelor people be like is there anything we need to know before you come on and did you have to look at them and be like no i've i'm a virgin like totally i was very very concerned and very worried i did hear a rumor though that one of the producers ended up finding out that I did hook up with a man, but kept it secret or took care of it. I don't know.

I can't verify that. Right, right. I mean, obviously, that was terrifying, too. And it's also it was also for me hard because I felt like obviously a lot of shame, but then I also felt shame and lying and deceiving. Yeah. But then I couldn't really be honest to work through it with people. I mean, don't get me wrong. I do think if I would have been upfront and honest from the very beginning,

people would have supported and been okay with it. I think some people would have had a lot to say too and the other way around. But it's like when you say like, be honest, it's like, that's why I want people to watch your show because it's like, this is something you've been carrying and people can call it a lie but like you've been carrying this part of yourself that you haven't been able to one explore or accept so how the fuck are people going to be judgmental of anyone's process of coming out like you literally were like you just said internalizing how much you hated a part of yourself. That is like everyone sexually.

That's like our biggest coming of age moment when we're like in our teen years, it's like, how are we going to explore? And the fact that you couldn't actually genuinely explore, like that's fucking hard in your new show coming out Colton. Yes. You go and you visit your coach. Yep.

Tell me about your coach's response to you going and coming out to your high school coach well first like the reason I had the conversation with him is because I have so much love and respect for him and I said it in there like he's like a second dad to me why did you love him he was always in my corner and always there for me in the most obvious ways as me as a player, me as a, you know, the growth of me as a human being, could he have done better at certain, of course he could have. And that was sort of what I had to get off my chest to him of saying like, it's frustrating because I love you and care for you so much and have so much to thank you for. Like you helped pay for my college education by allowing me to be such a good football player and having my back and talking to coaches for me. But there's

also this big part of me that you didn't know that some things that you did and said and allowed your coaching staff and some of the players to say stuck with me. And I mean, as much as you want to sit there and be like, I'm frustrated for you you for him Yeah, it's much bigger than one singular person. He is a good man with a good heart and I will always say that about about him but This is small town america through and through and this is locker rooms through and through There was an opportunity that I would have loved for him on camera to say Hey, i'm a coach. I affect players and students on a daily basis how can I help shift this narrative and he didn't do that but he did pick up the phone and call me later that night

we spent two hours on the phone later that night which is unfortunate no but that is literally like helps clarify and I think that some listen someone that you look looked up to on camera, his reaction was like pretty dull and like a little distant. Yeah. And there was a part of me that also was like looking behind your head in the camera and seeing 60 plus kids on a field. And half of them could be gay or struggling with their sexuality. And it's like, yeah, that was such a missed opportunity. And I know that's not either of your duty to like you go and talk to these kids, but a part of me wanted him to be like, let's reintroduce the real Colton, like talk to these kids. Like that could

really help one of them. Like, what would you say if you had the chance to like stand in a locker room right now with those kids and be like, let me change this culture for you? Well, it's not going to be one person that changes it. Totally. It's no matter what I said in that locker room, I can't change it as one man. You know, it's a collective effort and it's conversations like this to help explain to people like what I went through, like that program and that school hung its hat on me and my name for a while while I was playing there. And while I was playing in college and even, you know, professionally, they would, you know,

this is where Colton played. Like that was said, but would they still say that if they knew I was gay? That was always my fear. And my question, I'll share this with you too. Cause it's just happened yesterday. My small town is not very happy that I did this. They didn't know what it was about and they feel like it's not a great representation and they claim it's gotten better. I posted on my Instagram yesterday, I had people from Kenya, India, China, Japan, international people thanking me and saying the sports culture and the religion culture, those episodes really stuck with me. And then I'm scrolling through my messages and I see faggot with three clown emojis.

And I go to visit the kid's profile. It's a student from my town that goes to my high school and plays on our football team. I think I'm sharing that because it's important because people in my town and people in small towns, like it's gotten better and we're inclusive. No. I'm in a position where I'm surrounded by love and I'm surrounded by a support system that that does not get to me but I had to put trigger warning before I posted it and then Instagram took it down but I was like how can he message me that and you don't allow me to post this but anyway

that affects people words hurt like words keep people in the closet and that's one student that maybe he said that to two or three kids maybe you know to your point out of those 60 kids maybe one or two of them are you know either bisexual trans or gay and maybe if the coaching staff and the captains of the i'm not going to put it all on the coaching staff, but the other teachers, the minute I heard it from teachers, I heard it from, you know, big father, like figures in, in our society and in our town. But if they sort of put their foot down and said, Hey, let's not do that. It could help. It could help because like you're a hot dude and you are white and you are privileged. And so it's like the fact that you're using your

platform not everyone gets a Netflix series no you using your platform and showing people like this is my journey but you're not acting you're not saying like mine is so so much harder than everyone's it's just shedding light on like yo this is what's happening and like let's start the conversation and keep it going and I'll say this off that because I see the criticism. I know that people are upset that I'm, I have white privilege and I got a series after coming out. I couldn't imagine what it's like to be someone from an underprivileged area to have to come out and not only risk losing their football, but risk losing a house and food and money. Those are the real things. Are we to a point in society where we can pick and choose and compare traumas? I don't think

we are yet. And that, that was never my goal too. And I never wanted to compare my trauma to anybody else. I just wanted to get my side out there and my story out there to say, Hey, this is what I've been through. And if people, especially from bachelor nation will tune in and there to say, Hey, this is what I've been through. And if people, especially from bachelor nation will tune in and listen to me, then I feel like I've done my part in starting the conversation and there's so much more I can do. So, okay. We're done with the locker room. Let's go on to the bachelor yes how did you end up on the bachelorette well after football i was in a pretty public relationship i got out of that and i was going through a lawsuit with one of my former teams

about my shoulder. And I just made the decision with my doctor that I couldn't play again. So I'm like, okay, well, I've been playing this for 17 years, literally how I paid my bills. And now what? And I asked my dad, I said, hey, I just want a year off. Like, I feel like I'm in a position. I feel like I earned this. Like, let me just take a year off. Don't judge me. I just want a year off. Like, I, I feel like I'm in a position. I feel like I earned this. Like, let me just take a year off. Don't judge me. Don't, I just want to figure this out. I asked for permission if I could take a year off. And you know, a lot of, I'm so glad you said that though, because a lot of my friends call me out for that because I always have to ask for approval. I was like, you have to realize I had a coach and multiple coaches that I had to get permission from for the, my structure of my day,

my entire life, all the way down to my classes. So I always to get permission from for the, my structure of my day, my entire life, all the way down to my classes. So I always ask for permission and my dad and I, as you know, from the series, like we always more had a coaching relationship than we did father son. So yes, I asked my dad for permission at age 24, 25 to take some time off and ended up doing some casting things before you knew it though like they had me in front of a camera out in la testing me for all these things i was like okay and then at the same time though i was like thank god this is my chance i'm gonna hide in plain sight but also this is another way for me to convert myself to be straight and that's truly truly what I felt

was like, this is great. I'm going to end up with a woman from the show. Now that you've also given us that background of like, knowing I was gay, but having like sports to be like, but I got to go to the next thing I got to go. And so it kept prolonging you from maybe like fully leaning in and be like, how do I get in tune with self acceptance? The fact that then football ends, was there any bit of panic or like, that's immediately why you ran to be like, all right, what's the next thing? Cause then totally like football ended and I have a college degree, but I've never worked a day in my life, like an actual job. So I was like, okay, great. I'm going to go do this TV show. It's fun. Maybe, you know, something comes from this. And I have no problem saying this. I loved television. It was fun to share. It was fun to record. Sometimes I go back and forth with everybody who's like, because The Bachelor's famous thing is right reasons. Is he here for the right reasons? Nobody on this. Everybody's here because they want to have a good time and if finding love comes from it then great i think we can all hopefully stop with the smoke and mirrors

from that now totally and just realize like hey we're here to have fun but why does it have to be one or the other as it has progressed like everyone's going on there get instagram famous let's be call it what it is like it used to be that like let's go have fun like i don't know what i'm doing i'm in my 20s well for me i got to travel that i'll say this like i did i know it was going to give me instagram followers yes did i do it for that no i didn't instagram wasn't even that it wasn't yeah now i'm saying now it's really instagram heavy back i feel like for you guys it was fun and like use it to experience life i played football year round so that was my first time on my bachelor season to go to asia to travel like I did and to have the experience.

And to be honest with you, it was really nice because that was the one thing I missed from football was the melting pot of cultures. For me to be on a cast with men from different parts of the country gave me that familiarity that I had from football of being like, OK, we have this bond. But you are so different than me. You were born and raised completely different. But like, that's what I loved and missed from football. Was the dynamic at all though, like a locker room? Like, was there any homophobia? No, honestly, no.

Because, well, one, Jason shared early on from my season, his brothers were both gay. Or no, his, I'm sorry, his brother was gay, just one, but is married. So I like, I think people and people knew that in the house too. So I don't think there was even a chance for any, you know, homophobic things to go around. But also I feel like in the entertainment industry, more than the sports, it's so common. A lot of the producers that work on bachelor are gay there was never any moments in the house but i will say i was a little nervous and scared at times that somebody's gaydar would be really good around me and maybe it wasn't they didn't feel comfortable saying or asking anything

was there ever on your end a feeling of like fuck like i wish i was here to be dating these dudes and not like and then you have this one woman that you're going to date. Like, how did you navigate being literally saturated by men again, who are way more accepting than your former teammates? Totally. I mean, did I find some of the men, not on my season attractive, but maybe,

because I was really, really good at compartmentalizing. Like I was so good at telling myself, you have a job to do. This is what you're here for. This is what's happening. Like, just stay focused. Did I find some of the like producers attractive? Yes.

Did I find, you know, obviously I can find people attractive. Never acted on any of that. Never did or made advances or moves or anything like that. I was so good at compartmentalizing my life. And I just knew that obviously I'm here on a show that is looking for my wife. Yeah. So this is what I have to do.

I cringe now even looking back at some of like how good I was at manipulating situations and compartmentalizing. But I've been doing it since I was six. Yeah. And I don't think you should cringe though, Colton, because it's how you survived. Yeah.

Until I almost didn't. I mean that's truly it sounds terrible but like that was my survival mechanism all the way to the point of self-harm. And as I think you know now like how many people in the community are like same. So it's like it's something that needs to change socially and culturally rather than you shouldn't feel shame that's literally how so many people have lived so so you're on bachelorette and i need to understand your mentality of like so you genuinely were like if i am the last one like i'm gonna marry this person and like yeah uh yes and no okay i'll never discount my relationships with women because it's true I had feelings and I was attracted to females too I know that's sometimes hard for people to

understand or get I think there was always a hesitation for me and I liked the safe play I mean obviously you saw that conversation with Anyeka too of like i just oh totally don't get me wrong i would have known in a second i love the idea of a super strong woman who's there to call me on my bullshit but at the same time being a closeted man having to navigate that that also scared the shit out yeah that didn't work at the time no now you can surround yourself with them but at the time you're like who's gonna just like totally and chill and not be like, why are you being weird? That's why professionally now my team is literally a bunch of strong, badass women.

And also like they're loving and nurturing and weirdly not catty or competitive or egotistical. It's just, I'm finding out like the balance of masculine and feminine. There's pros and cons to both. But at the end of the day, y'all got the upper hand. I'll just say that. I love it. Thank you. So you get eliminated and have you talked to Becca since? Um, not since coming out. I, to be honest with you, I distanced myself from the franchise pretty heavily just because around the same, I just went through a lot mentally, like my struggles and asked for help from them, didn't get it. And just there was a lot of bad blood on my end and their end.

It just it was not a healthy relationship. So I really distanced myself from that franchise completely. You get eliminated. Yeah. Did you even know immediately you were going to potentially be the bachelor i think i had an idea after like paradise just because like there was those conversations of you know the typical entertainment industry of like we need to continue your story like you can't go from getting broken up with you need to go and talk to tia now right and then from there your story art can go here like i know there's like this bubble that America wants to think The Bachelor operates in.

But like, let's be real, too. There's very real moments. Of course. But the entire like, you don't walk into like this magical fair. Like, I obviously hope people understand that. But then also, like, there has to be drama. There has to be give and take. And like, I think, honestly, that's sort of why I got the gig

is because I was very transparent in my meetings of being like, look, let's make a good show, but at the end of the day, this is what I need and I'm asking from you guys. And that's business, that's life too. Everyone can relate to at least this. When you all of a sudden tell a lie and then all of a sudden it's spiraling

and you're like, wait, it wasn't meant to get this big because all of it was like the virgin bachelor it was a spider web of lies and yeah every time did you read that art like headline of yourself were you sick yeah at first I had no choice but to lean into it yeah because that's sort of what the network literally was marketing me as and then I started getting sick of it and fighting it because no matter what my explanation was, like there was, there was like, after I came out, I just wish I would have been like, I'm questioning my sexuality. Does that, does that satisfy your answer of why I'm a virgin? Like, I didn't want to go there with women because I didn't know if this was in my

cards. I had prayed and hoped and wished that it would be yeah but i didn't know and there just was not that room and i don't think it would have been well received if i did yeah i remember watching it and people would always be like so why are you a virgin and you're like i'm christian and um you know just my i didn't have time because i was an athlete that was literally one of my answers and i was like oh my gosh people are actually buying like buying the athlete thing totally okay so you become the bachelor yeah bring me in your head in that moment I honestly I was thanking god it sounds so crazy but I remember like when I got the call I remember I was playing a pickup game of basketball and they called me like hey you are going to be on

a plane to New York this afternoon and we're going to announce you tomorrow as a bachelor. And on the way home, driving home to pack my suitcase, I was literally praying and saying, thank you Lord for making me straight. Like, thank you for giving me this opportunity to find my wife. Because my whole theory in it is I can get rid of all of these lies and the spider web that I created. If I went on and got a fiance, it's going to make me a little more straight. And then once we get married, I'm definitely going to be committed and I'm going to be

straight and all these urges to want to be with men are going to go away. And then once I have a kid for sure, that's game over. Like I can't risk losing a family. So it was always leveling up, leveling up all of my like things that I could lose and risk I thought was going to keep making me more straight. It makes sense now, like hearing you from start to like, I'm playing sports. It was like, I can't do this because I got to go to college and college to the NFL. And then you get into the bachelor world and it's the same thing of like, but then I can find the wife and then I won't be gay and then I'll have kids and then I can't be gay. And it's like, you're constantly running from something. And so it

makes sense how you get down this rabbit hole of like, hold on. What if I ever did want to come out? Like, what is that? It looked almost probably impossible at times. Well, and I wanted that. I wanted it to be impossible. And I think like, I mean, obviously now I'm so grateful it wasn't, but that was, it was, you're exactly right. It was just a different game. Like it was same environment, just different circumstances. During your season. I remember people tweeting, speculating you were gay.

Did you ever read those tweets? And I did. I remember Karamo actually on Twitter posted something about me being gay. And that one hit me the hardest. Cause like, oh my gosh, he actually has a following and he's calling me out. And at the time we had the same stylist. So I was like, why is he doing this to me? Like trying to figure out like what was going on here. I think I got defensive. I didn't fire anything off to him, but I always got frustrated when people called me gay because I was like, am I not hiding it well enough? You know,

it was hard on yourself. Totally. Did you ever have like PR people come to you? Like, do you want to say something to this? Or was you just. There was, I mean, towards the end, right? Like before I came out, there was a couple of things that happened that my, and that's sort of how the show even came to be is because of the circumstances of being blackmailed and stuff. My team knew, and my publicist was the one who actually I told first, because he was on a call, a podcast

that I did. And they asked me about the, asked me about the LGBTQ community. And I stumbled with the answer. I'm very similar to like what I did with you right there. And I got nervous and he was like, we need to redo that answer. Like, is everything okay? Because I didn't want to be affirming enough because I didn't want people to come at me. But I also wanted to make sure that like people knew I was loving and accepting. It just was like, it was a, I fumbled the answer so bad that my publicist was like, that was not a good answer. What is going on here? You've learned how to act and you've got these two sides to yourself and you know when you need to like dip into this one that you've used your whole life, which is trying to pretend you're straight and even you saying in

a podcast you're like i needed to answer when they asked me about the lgbtq community not so like yes i love them because they're like oh is he gay or then it's like not be like um well so it's like you had to find this balance that's just like exhausting. You're always on. You're always like I was always on. I was always on edge. I was always like looking over my shoulder towards the end of my breaking point. I was so paranoid and I was so freaked out and I was so heavily medicated just trying to like keep this thing in the bottle. At the time, it was 28 years of like the culmination of my lying to get to that point.

That's something, you know, the show I left the I left Blackmail completely out of the show. Yeah. And just because like I don't want to give whoever that was any power. Do they want money? What do they want? They just had a specific list of demands that were weird to me. I just, you know, weirdly enough, I'm thankful because I don't know if any of that, if I would be sitting here today out, if that hadn't started to happen, people publicly saw me really not healthy. Like I was, and I can say that I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist after my breakup you know once

every week both of them I just want to say kudos to you for not allowing someone that's blackmailing you to like it would have been maybe easy to try to be like fuck I just have to go and do everything that they're saying the fact that you found the strength to be like no I'm not gonna I'm not gonna like go towards that and if anything fuck that person one I love that you didn't put it in and two I think it's empowering that you're like actually I'm just gonna do it myself you then can't have power over me okay back to bachelor fantasy suites okay did you go in a fantasy suite with Becca no uh no I got eliminated four there okay and then in paradise Tia and I joked because the only room like air conditioned on that is the Boom Boom Room. So like.

Dude, the fact that it's a name, the Boom Boom Room. Let's go to the Boom Boom Room. Yeah. So I always knew like how that would be edited. So I never did that. I sacrificed a lot of hours of sleep because I cannot sleep in the hotness or in the heat. And then my season, I did the one with Tayshia. Did you not do the two others no I remember I so I ended up breaking up with Tayshia and Hannah and yeah chose Cassie so so you went

into one fantasy suite can you walk me through just because we have to do a bachelor in agency like what were you thinking going into that fantasy suite I didn't want to I had a real conversation with the producers have been like this is I can't do this? I didn't want to, I had a real conversation with the producers of being like, this is, I can't do this. Like I don't want to, there's no part of me. And I mean, out of no disrespect to Tayshia, but I slept in sweatpants and a sweatshirt and I didn't want to be rude, but like I was literally, I didn't sleep the entire night. I did not sleep because I was nervous. I mean, obviously when you sleep with someone the first time you're nervous, like you're going to fart or do something

weird or silly. So I had all those regular normal nerves, but then I also had the nerves of like, this does not feel right. And I was literally like shaking and like sad and just emotional. Did you in that moment consider just being like, I'm done with all this? Or were you like, I got to stay the course. Like I have to make it to the end of this. Yeah. But at the end of the day, when I was so good at compartmentalizing things, I was so good at saying, Hey, I have a job to get done. Like my football program being kicked in and being like, get through this. You got this. Did you say anything to Tayshia? Like, sorry. Well, I guess again, you had been like a virgin. Couldn't really like, but like, what do you say in that situation? I mean, I could have obviously broken every rule, but like they tell you this is

how it has to happen. Right. Like you can't just break up with somebody off camera because then the viewers are gonna be like, well, something happened that night. Right. And then the speculation and the drama is there. So I was like, I don't want to cause any scenes. So let's just get through this. Do you think she knew something was really off? i yes have you heard from her at all no no okay can we talk about the infamous wall incident because it makes a little bit more sense now but like you in this season you're like holy fuck cassie's leaving and you witness a wall and you're like I'm gonna jump over this wall and you ran away from the camera and the crew and everyone what actually was happening in that moment I think it was just me being so frustrated not only with production but myself yeah first and foremost

now that I can be completely transparent it's like I think there was moments where I'm just like why am I doing this what am I doing it's not working it is working but wait you know I only want her but I have to put this show on and there's just so much going on in those moments and then when she decided to leave I was like what this makes no sense like I I'm just trying to be straight and like I finally found somebody who piqued my interest I remember you know people's tweets of being like, that's problematic. Why is he holding on so tight? And it's like, well, if only you knew that like, this is the only one out of 30 that I thought like could change me. I went all in and those, that was sort of what led to the quitting the show or running away from the show at the time. What was it about Cassie that you thought like this could

this person could change me? I just I mean just her in general I mean her our connection our friendship mannerisms everything like that I mean we did you know we did date for a year and a half after and she's a good person a very good person and a good human being yeah it was you know it was easy like that was the best way it was easy and for me I don't ever want to take this to diminish a relationship or but it was also safe that's not a negative in any way shape or form but for me it was a safe place to hide and it was a safe place for me to like slow my roll to then keep inching forward of being a little more straight you know did you have sex i mean i think it's pretty obvious yeah yeah so that that part's i mean obvious but also confusing for me yeah because

it's like you know how do i it makes it very real and hard for me to explain to people of like well you knew you were gay but also you're attracted how is this a thing and i was like have you guys ever heard of like a spectrum and like a scale and i truly firmly believe in that i'm still identify as a gay man but i'm still there's still a part of me that is attracted to women um i think a lot of people in the world would be like me too, Colton. Like, I don't think you're alone in that. And I don't think that's a crazy concept at all. Why does it end? Well, COVID, I mean, COVID really, for me, put a lot of things in perspective and I ended up getting it and I was quarantining. So the first time since pretty much the show, our life slowed down and stopped, stopped. And I think that was, uh, for a lot of people, you could not run,

you could not hide, you could not distract yourself in any other thing. You had to really sit and talk through things. And I mean, look, I'm not going to speculate, but I think, you know, some things were hard and not adding up for her or some things were happening. I don't know. And it ended. Were you forcing yourself to like be as sexual as you could be? Or was it just like you weren't having a lot of sex? No, honestly, none of that was mainly the issue. And look, she's asked not to be like brought back into the media and stuff. So I always want to respect that.

But at the same time, I know I have things that I needed to address and talk about. And there's a lot of layers to those things. There's a lot of things that are private. And I just, I mean, obviously would give people more of a context of what was going on, but are not really appropriate for me to share. So I try to do my best right now, balancing of like staying. And can I say this? Like she has every right to do my best right now balancing of like staying and can I say this yeah like she has every right to do that absolutely she like she has every right to say I no longer want to be you have no

access to this I'm shutting it off I'm drawing boundaries because I've learned boundaries this year too and that's it's way healthier so I like I'm trying my hardest right now to give respect and the boundary that she asked for and do that. But at the same time, like, I mean, I obviously see the media. I see the reports. I see like the words associated with me. And it's like it's hard at times to have to swallow and just be like, OK. She deserves her privacy and you fucked up. And so you want to like, without talking about her, like you deserve to be able to like make sense of what you did.

Was it the last episode in your new show coming out Colton? Yes. You meet with a mutual friend of yours and Cassie. It was a pretty heated conversation. And I thought it was powerful because as a gay man he was like listen I get it like you are you were doing anything to keep your secret but what you did to her is so fucked up walk me through that moment on the show like how did you feel when he was confronting you I mean I took it in listened. And I think that was like sort of the first time that

I was like, okay, I need to hear this out because I know I have my side and I know I have, I, but my side is what got me into this trouble in the first place. Um, so just listening to him sort of talk and be like, look, as another gay man, we all have our road to this. And like, I, I get it, but also you have to realize like, this is not okay either. Yeah. So I just sat there and listened. And I like, if I took anything from the show, it's to listen more. And since coming out, I obviously don't have to overcompensate anymore. I don't have to have the most to say in a room or like to hide in plain sight. Like I can just really take things in and slow down and stop having to distract myself. And that is peace. Have you talked to Cassie since your Netflix special? No. There are people who are critical of what you've done. And there are

people probably listening who are not even going to watch the Netflix series because they're like, fuck him. I don't agree with what he's done I don't agree how he handled things they're probably saying he knew he was gay all along manipulating women he used coming out as a way to deflect from the restraining order xyz what would you like to say to the people right now that are listening that are having a hard time separating the harassment and you're coming out as gay? Well, I would say that there was a lot that went into that version of myself. And since coming out, I in no way, shape or form, I'm trying to make people look the other way or forget about anything. I will own my mistakes and I'll own who I was at that time in my life. And I think that's important for people to hear is like me doing this show was

never to flip the page or start a new chapter. It was for me to say like, and to show like I fucked up, I made mistakes. I did. And I will always own those. But there are so many layers to this that got me to this position and I will own what I have to own. But also there's other people and other things going on who I'm asking for help from too, because if I got myself into this position and got to a point where I was self-harming, where I was, you know, harassing and hurting other people. I can't be alone that this has to be going on in other parts of our country and our world. So I think that is what I would

say is like, give it an opportunity to peek through my lens and my mistakes in my life to try to find something that you might relate to in yours, it doesn't have to be coming out. You can be going through something similar where you are really mean to somebody that does not deserve it, but you're projecting or you are overcompensating or you're just not dealing with a specific trauma that you've had to go through in your life. And it doesn't make it right or wrong. It just makes you human. And I know that I'm a public figure and I know that I've been on people's television screens for multiple things over the last two or three years, but I also hold a responsibility for a platform and a privilege that I have to try to do right, not only to my past communities, but to

my future ones and to the communities that I belong to now. So that's, I guess what I'm trying to say is we're human beings. We're complex. We're good and bad at times. And it's what we do and how we grow from there that, you know, makes us human. What was your lowest point? Was there a specific moment where you felt like this is rock bottom? Uh, yeah, I think the morning that I woke up that I didn't think I was going to wake up. I, I had never had anything like that happen. Like I've gone through depression and anxiety and had suicidal thoughts of like, you know, driving in the mountains in Colorado, if my car goes over this cliff and I never thought anything of those, you know, of those thoughts all of a sudden this

weekend in which I was getting through, it wasn't really eating. I was just taking Xanax. And I was like, what, why am I leaving living? And that's sort of the moment that I woke up with vomit next to me on my bathroom floor was the moment where I was like, this is not good or okay. And I need help. And that was sort of the game changer for me and sort of the step a step in the direction of recovering yeah um but to even get to that point you know there was a lot of private things that I was dealing with obviously emotionally and mentally but also just like career

wise of you know some things happening behind the scenes that nobody will ever understand or know and it it's not anything I want to revisit either. That's why it's like hard when you see these headlines or what people have to say. It's like that stage of my life was so dark and so really traumatic as far as like how it got me there. But I also know that I'm not the only one that's been there before. There's people there that are there now, and there's people that are going to get there, but if they can know it gets better, then there's hope. Had you been abusing Xanax and stuff? And then that was like a big day that like, then you just took it too far. Like, did you want to kill yourself? Um, I mean, yeah, that's why I took what I thought I was taking enough and I didn't, or I just, my body didn't react to it. Like I was going to, I don't know. I mean, I was prescribed it

to deal with social anxiety because I had that from the show and I was in therapy, but I never, I never really came out to a therapist. I never really trusted anybody with it. So there was just a lot that built up to that, but I found comfort in numbing myself. And the best way for me to say it is like Xanax to me, put me in a different world. Like it allowed me to sort of like have this out of body experience of like, okay, never you're fine. Like you're good. The fact that you said you didn't even feel comfortable coming out to a therapist, the paranoia. Well, I was paranoid. I live in Hollywood.

Do you know how much money a therapist or somebody, a source could make and sell it to like that? And I don't want to say poor me because I put myself in that position. We're talking about that web. Yeah. You say one lie, you know, that one lie. And then you take your career to the next level. And all of a sudden now you have to worry about this person selling it to TMZ or whatever for, you know, thousands. They can make so much money off of that.

And I knew that because I understand the business. Right. And it scared me. You said, I never thought I was going to come out. I thought I was going to die with this secret. When was the moment you realized I'm coming out? I mean, I could tell you exactly where I was when I first came out to my first person. I was walking on my driveway or my grandma's driveway back in Illinois and my publicist called me. And I mean, he had a lot of different pieces to the puzzle as far as you know being on the call

with a podcast he had a copy of the blackmail emails and he just asked me the question and I just remember sort of like breaking down and pausing for like a good 45 seconds and he point blank was just like I think I know what's going on. Like, are you gay? And like, it was in that moment that I said yes for the first time. And then from there, you know. What did that feel like? It felt so good. And like he comforted and was like, everything's going to be okay.

We're going to be fine. We're going to get through this. And then, you know, from there on out, with everything that was going on behind the scenes the rest of my team had to know too so with every person that I came out to and the love and support that I got from my professional team sort of gave gave me this build-up of this momentum because I you know I've also read a lot of stories and messages from people saying you know I came out to my friends before I came out to my family and that's very common because they want to test the waters and stuff like that. And I can truly say like coming out to my professional team before my family gave me confidence and sort of get like allowed me to really feel good in doing it.

Were either of your parents or even just whoever, and you ended up telling on the series, were any of them afterwards, like frustrated to have that private moment made public. I don't know if I would say frustrated. My dad, my dad's been quoted already. I think he said it to the New York times. Like, great dad. Thanks. He just doesn't come from this world.

So he doesn't really fully understand it. And he was like, would I have wanted it to be off camera? Sure. Absolutely. He sort of put me in a weird position, which I think we could all be like, yeah. And I was like, yeah, I agree with you, but also you're a champ. Thank you for allowing me this space. And you know, my mom does not like cameras, but I think that it all goes. And my brother hates cameras too. So, but I think that all goes to show you how much love and support

I have. And it's not lost on me. Like these people in my life that joined me on this really were doing it because they loved and supported me because they saw what I went through after my falling out of the spotlight and TV and sort of what I went through. And I think that they knew they needed to step up and be there for me. And they were. Did the internet and public opinion rob this moment from you? A lot of it was like, this is a publicity stunt. Like he's just doing this to cut. How did that feel? I mean, as much as people can be skeptical about this, the show leaking was not like, I didn't want to announce a show until we were done. Like until Netflix or whoever wanted to announce it. So it getting leaked,

I feel like was the main negative feedback of people like, this is a PR stunt. He's just doing this because he has a show. And it's like, that was never supposed to happen. But when you said on Good Morning America, like I'm gay and then people like, I remember reading tweets of people being like, fuck this.

I don't even know if they were saying like, no, he's not. But I know some people were like, this is so fucking fake. Like you're trying to like divert the attention. How did that make you feel after you've had this secret and you're like finally relinquishing control of it and you're saying it out loud and then people are like, nah, fuck you. I mean, I, I understand where they were coming from because they only know me what they they only know me or of me from what they seen of me which I'll go on record and say like the ABC version of me isn't me there's definitely parts of me like which I wasn't acting or anything like

that but like who that was was not a comfortable version of myself I have obviously some sympathy for those people who are like okay like is there anything you see online that people like make fun of you for on your season that you're like I know I'm cringing too like was there anything you did that you're like why did I do that shit I mean the easy one for me is like the virgin storyline that got sort of ramped up and taken out of my hands and they ran with it. Right. That one is a little cringy. I mean, obviously just being the bachelor bachelor in general now after coming out, I'm like, why did I put myself through that? But also, I don't know if I'd be here if I didn't do that. So it's like, I can't even play those games,

but you know, look, I'm in a position in my life now I have nothing I've carried shame for being gay for so long that I don't really get embarrassed I don't really like look at things and be like oh of course I could have said things better I could have done things better I have things in my life and positions that I would love to take back and redo but I don't get to a point where I'm just like and I was like it is what it is at this point you have to just you just have to own it at this point I know you mentioned you saw a therapist and a psychiatrist prior to coming out after the event surrounding your relationship with Cassie. What were the main lessons about yourself that you learned from that experience?

Oh, just to be more honest with myself of how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. I think I thought I was protecting myself by telling myself I was going to be okay. Or, you know, this is normal. And it's like, it's not normal to have social anxiety to the point where it cripples you or depression to where, you know, I was taking Lexapro for a long time too. And it had gnarly side effects for me, but having time to just reflect and show myself some forgiveness and some leeway instead of being so hard on myself. And, you know, maybe that comes from me playing sports too. I don't know. There's a lot of trauma that I'm like unpacking in this last year where I'm like, Oh, wait, that has to do with that. And that's been these big moments in my therapy sessions

where my therapist is great. And he's drawn these lines and he my therapy sessions where my therapist is great and he's drawn these lines and he goes, well, no, duh this. And I'm like, Oh, you say that so casually, but I, you just blew my mind at 29. When you, that was the scene when you were in Nashville and your friends were throwing you like a coming out party. You had said that you were like in, like a little uncomfortable being in a room full of gay men like can you explain that a little bit well because I never had to be in a room full of gay men before as me I've never really had a conversation in which the other man knew I was gay and knew I was Colton Underwood so it was like really my first time of being vulnerable in the space of

having to be hit on or having to you know make a flirtatious comment and really being comfortable. And I was not, I was very uncomfortable. Now, if I go back and have that, that same environment, I would be, that scene would read completely different. Trust me. And I'm still, I'm still in the process of this too, of like, what part of me do I bring in to this new version of myself and what part do I leave in the past like what was healthy and what makes me feel good and what doesn't so still going through that you have a boyfriend I do how did you two meet we were in the same friend group and I was not looking for a boyfriend at all because I was just like I want to take some time and it was more of a

friendship than it was anything at the beginning. How has this relationship been different emotionally than the ones that you've had with women? It's been healthier for sure. If it's, there's been no hitches as far as like, you know, with women, I would always look for a way out or try to find an escape plan. Or I was planning everything out. Like next step this. We need to be engaged by this week. We need to be, you know, hopefully have kids by this year.

And that's true. Yeah, that's truly how my relationship with this one. I feel like I have like a best friend and I'm just, we just compliment each other's lives. And we're just hanging. Like it sounds so casual, but we're just hanging out. We're having a good time. There's no pressure. There's no secrets.

There's been moments where I've done something in front of him. And then like, I look and he, you can see he's like, for some it's like, Oh my God, he's going to say something. Like he's going to break up with me. And he's like, I love that part of you. And I was like, what? He goes, American doesn't know that you're like, like this. And I was like, I know.

But like, that's the whole purpose of us having a relationship is because you get to see me like this and nobody else does yet. How, how crazy is that when you're, so you're almost like rediscovering a new yourself. I have permission to do like things that I've never had permission to do in my life. Like give me an example. Well, just like be outwardly. I don't, I just, I never could give any cues away. Like, yeah, that's why like Cassidy, I made a, you know, a comment when we were going in for the hug. I was like, now, you know, all of my weirdness in high school, she's about the only one who I've really felt like I can entirely be myself around pretty much my entire life. Cause she's always given me permission to be goofy and weird and feminine. It was never allowed in my social circles of the past. So

like having those moments and you know, he's, he said something to me that actually meant a lot. He goes like, you are the perfect balance of masculine and feminine that I've ever seen. And he's like, he's like, for me, like, I never knew that you would have, you had this in you. And I was like, Oh, it's, it was pretty cool to hear that. And he's been out for a long time. So it's a really good balance for me. You know, he's older, right? Yeah. And, and he would be like, well, like he's defensive, very defensive and protective of me. And he's like, well, you need to say this. And I was like, that might be true to you, but I've been out for like a little over a year now and publicly not even for like seven months or eight months what I don't even remember what month

I came out publicly I was like I don't know that yet like you are so well articulate and so well composed but you've also been out for 20 years you know so and what is it so nice to have a partner though that has that experience so that you like it's kind of like you're on training wheels right now. And you're like, you have someone to like, also be like that rock for you. Because he also checks me on a lot of things where he has helped also with the internalized homophobia too, where he's like, wait, that's okay. I was like, oh, it is. Yeah. You know? So it's a, it's a really healthy balance. Has your family met him? Yes. Everyone deserves to feel fully themselves when they are in love. But first you got to love yourself.

And like, I know that's probably still a journey you're working on, but to know that it started for you, what would you say to anyone struggling right now with self-acceptance? It doesn't even need to be sexuality, just like this shame and guilt feeling and having a hard time. Like, what would you say now with your experience in this journey? Oh gosh. I'm my limited experience with this, but I think for me, it's giving yourself permission to explore. And that goes way beyond just sexuality. That just, it goes beyond with like really truly sitting with what makes you feel good because I got into the position that I got into because I was doing things that weren't fulfilling and making me happy. And it turned me into a miserable person. And then I projected that on other people.

And that is like the biggest takeaway that I've had from this last year of, you know, I had a little bit, I'm not gonna lie, of a, of a friend purge of like, you do not make me feel good. I do not enjoy hanging out with you, but I kept doing it for whatever reason. No, I'm not, I don't want to hang out and coming out that gave me more and more confidence. So like giving yourself permission to say no, giving yourself to permission to say yes to some things that have been scaring you. That would be my advice to anyone is just like having that. That's good advice. Freedom and happiness. Colton Underwood. Thank you. Thank you. okay daddy gang it's your father we're alone let's get comfy cozy here let's let's have a let's have a post-interview conversation i'm sure you you're all in your feels everyone's feeling

something different right now let's kind of do a little debrief so it's common knowledge that colton couldn't discuss some of the details around the legal stuff, which was not ideal for the interview because, trust me, I wanted to ask. But this interview shed some light on his why. Colton has to live with what he did to his ex-girlfriend and his pain does not justify the harassment. This woman shouldn't have had to go through any of this. Colton was living a lie and he chose her to complete this heteronormative storyline that he pledged his life to. He spun a web of lies to conceal his true sexuality. But to say that the homophobia in our society didn't contribute to his behavior would be wrong. Colton's taking accountability for his actions, but the people still operating

on the belief that love can only exist between a man and a woman need to wake the fuck up and realize that homophobia is unacceptable and that their shitty beliefs affect more than just their shitty fucking selves. And that's big picture. But when it comes to Colton, daddy gang, I guess that's for you to decide. I'll see you fuckers next Wednesday. Bye.