Call Her Daddy - Confession: I Was The Other Woman

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

Join Alex in the studio for a solo episode full of surprises. Alex shares a story from the vault about her worst Valentine’s Day disaster. This storytime is a wild ride involving a secret getaway with an ex where she discovers she was the “other woman” in his life. Alex ends up teaming up with the woman to destroy evidence and reclaim their dignity. Then, Harry Jowsey pops in for a fun catch-up. He and Alex talk about the state of his dating life, why he’s stopped eating ass, and they read/react to REAL LIFE Valentine’s Day horror stories from the Daddy Gang. This episode is truly so funny and chaotic. Enjoy!

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Daddy Gang, welcome to another episode of Call Her Daddy. It is Valentine's Day, you little fucking whores. And I promise you, if you are ugly crying in your bed right now, sobbing, snot is coming out. Your dog is in the corner, terrified. Why is mommy having a fucking mental breakdown? Because he didn't call and he didn't text. And my situation ship didn't ask me if he wanted to go out with me so that I could fuck him

on V-Day and I'm alone forever. It's fine. Okay. It's completely fine. I fucking hate, I hate, I despise this holiday because it's so fucking stupid. I don't know what's dumber, New Year's or Valentine's Day, you tell me. I guess I would say Valentine's Day just because New Year's, you know, you get off of work for. Valentine's Day, you sit at your desk, you sob. Your boyfriend either A, didn't get you what you wanted, B, is a fucking fuck boy, or C, he got you everything you wanted and you just fucking hate him and you realize you don't wanna be with him.

If you are in love over there, keep it to your fucking self, okay? I'm not gonna be talking about how in love I am with Matt today. My Valentine's Day gift to you is a story time about Valentine's Day from the vault. Now something about telling old stories from my past time of when I was a degenerate and addicted to the toxic. I've seen a couple comments and you know some brads and chads but what are the version of brads and chads for women like

Angela's and Karen's have been like whining in my comments like Alex like why are you telling these stories like Matt's gonna be so insecure and he's gonna be so upset that you're talking about sucking another man's dick and deep-throating the life out of him first of all no um honestly yes to deep-throating no to Matt getting upset thank you for your concern I do just want to let you know that Matt and I are thriving and even if if we weren't, why do you fucking care? You know what I mean? All you need to worry about anytime you tune in to Call Her Daddy is that I'm here to entertain you. So some weeks, yes, I may tell you about my wonderful, healthy relationship with my fiance, who I love truly so much. But other weeks, we also may take it back to life before Matt.

And that's okay that's like when people in relationships and want to pretend like I don't want to hear about your past and it's like okay insecure bitch like why and it's like I don't want to hear don't tell me la la la it's like we can be mature Matt knew he was marrying me and I was a psychopath and he fell in love with me because of my storytelling ability. Okay. Whether it's his dick or another, he said, sweetie, I want a house in Malibu. Get us that coin. Let's go. Anyways. Um, I want to talk about some absolutely unhinged and insane, just things that I did in the past. So daddy gang buckle up because I'm about to tell you

the worst Valentine's day that I ever had in my entire life. Let's get into it. so it was valentine's day 2020 we're going back four years and i was in the process of rekindling the flame with an ex-boyfriend and by that first sentence alone daddy gang little teaching lesson here you can probably already guess it's going downhill. Okay. Because when has it ever been a good idea to get back with an ex period? Full stop. When has it ever been a good idea? Never, especially when they cheated on you, but just in general, getting back with an ex, it's going to be a no for me, dog. You know what I mean? It's never going to work. I don't know anyone who has ever ended a relationship and gone back and it ended in a happy love story. Don't write in if it's happened to you. I really

don't care. Okay. This is the point is don't go back to an ex, but to top it all off, getting back together with an ex around Valentine's day, that's just fucking mental. That's insane. But I was young and I was dumb and I was naive and my ex and I at this point so we started talking and I will say we were probably talking and having sex for like a few months at this point and you know things were pretty decent I will say in my life like I had to give context I had started call her daddy around this time so I was bringing just like a complete different energy to the relationship from the last time that we dated back in the day um most of the men that I was you could say dating um fucking attracted to

seeking out um they always had more money than me. Was it strategic? For sure. Yeah. Like what do you want to say? That's on you to like, you know, context clues here. But I was always dating men with more money and they were usually more successful than me. So I felt like I always had to play by their rules a little bit. Right. I went into this relationship with a different fucking attitude because I didn't need this motherfucker's money or status. I had my own fucking shit going on. Ladies, reminder, it's not about how much money you have, but it is about knowing you have your own fucking shit to the right. So if he swerves on the left, you're fucking good to go. Okay. You're not left in the dust, left in the desert, crying your eyes out with nothing to your fucking name. Okay. But I didn't know that at the

time. So I did cry and cry my eyes out. Valentine's day rolls around. And so naturally he offers to fly me out to see him so that we can spend this very, very dumb romantic holiday together. And we were going to have a romantic weekend. And what made it even more romantic was the fact that we couldn't leave the house that he was renting. And no, Daddy Gang, I know you're probably thinking, damn, Alex, we never took you for a romance gal. I can't believe it. You guys were just so into each other. You missed each other so much. You missed that embrace of each other, the comfort, the company of each other.

You couldn't bear leave the bed, let alone, the comfort, the company of each other. You couldn't barely leave the bed, let alone leave the house. Okay. You just wanted to fuck each other's brains out. I'm here to say that wasn't actually the case at all. That's, that's not why we didn't leave the home daddy gang. It was as if I was on house arrest more like I couldn't leave the house and be out in public with him because the real reason was the New York Post Times, the Times would never report on that. The New York Times wrote an article. The New York Times write an article. No, the New York Post, page six, had recently leaked that we were seen together at some party making out potentially. And again, this breakup was so fucking nasty you guys so bad that our families

were dead set against us never seeing each other again okay they despised each other so we didn't want this little valentine's day trip to get out i don't think there's a bigger red flag than hiding a relationship from your friends and your family. It's definitely a thrill. Oh, we love the thrill of it, but that's a red flag, daddy gang. So I get onto the plane and I arrive at the home that he rented for the two of us. And I got there with a plan. I really wanted to spice things up sexually and really, I wanted to shock this man, okay? Because by the end of our relationship, we had really gotten complacent. And I wanted to start this new chapter off with a bang.

I really wanted to remind him what I was capable of. So it's Valentine's Day night. We aren't leaving the house. He has roses and candles and balloons delivered. He has a chef come cook us dinner. The vibes were flowing. Now this ex of mine was a stoner. And at the time, since we had broken up,

my tolerance had fucking dipped. Like I take one hit of a bong, I'm gonna be fucking litty titty out of my mind. Big Al could not hang like she used to. So after dinner, he of a bong, I'm going to be fucking litty titty out of my mind. Big Al could not hang like she used to. So after dinner, he takes a bong rip and he takes multiple massive hits and he hands me the bong. And I join right in. And pretty soon after we smoke, I'm straddling him on top of the couch. We are aggressively making out.

It's like that feeling, you know, when you just like cannot get enough of each other. Like everyone doesn't want us to be together. This is so bunny and Clyde we're on the run oh we're not on the run we're actually can't leave the house I knew it was time to finally initiate my surprise in my suitcase I had brought with me the hottest red lingerie outfit that I could find online. I ordered it and my plan was to slip away to the bathroom, put on this lingerie, come back, have his jaw hit the floor and then have the most incredible passionate sex ever. So I'm straddling him. I push him down and I say, don't move. I'll be right back. I have a surprise for you. The moment I walked into the bathroom, it hit me. I was so fucking high out of my mind. Now, daddy gang, when selecting this particular lingerie

outfit in my head, when I was scrolling online, I imagined that the 15 piece set would really be spectacular. Okay. I'm like the intricacy of this is it's Victoria secret adjacent plus dominatrix. You know what I mean? Like it's giving everything. The fact that I thought all 50, I am not fucking exaggerating 50 clasps that needed to be hooked together. The fact that I thought I could do this fucking high, God bless. I'm so fucking confident. But now I've been in the bathroom for actually 15 minutes and I'm starting to get really insecure. Is this the stupidest fucking idea ever? Like, is this lingerie even hot? Do I smell like BO right now? And I am not kidding you, Daddy Gang. I get to the point of tears. But then by some miracle,

I get the 50th clasp closed. And I'm like, thank fucking God. Let's fucking go. I rush out of the bathroom, huffing and puffing, sweating like here I am. to return to only see that I had left this man on the couch, just reminder with a hard on. And when I made my way through the doorway and I enter the room, I can see this man had completely dozed off. You know, when you try to pretend like I wasn't asleep, I'm fine. I'm right here. I woke him from his slumber. So I'm standing in the living room, fully dressed in this lingerie, but his face isn't, I will say giving like the reaction I'm looking for. Cause he's high and he was just asleep. And I can tell he's trying to get back in the mood. He's trying to get back in the vibe.

So I pick up his hands and I place them on my body. So I feel wanted, you know what I mean? I'm like, if he won't touch me, cause he's literally like this, like limp. And I'm like taking his hands. I'm putting them on my body. I will do anything to I'm gonna make a move on my fucking self then I decided the only way to ramp it up is to get some momentum and so I try to get some velocity like we gotta we gotta wake up here we go and I try to switch positions with this man to get his blood honestly pumping to really get his rate heart rate back up and we flip and we smash heads and it's game over like there is nothing worse when you clonk heads and or any type of like awkward thing happens during sex and we both basically are just

like it's done it's done let's go to bed all I'm thinking about is just getting this fucking lingerie off so I go into the bathroom and I remove all 15 fucking pieces. I walk back out into the living room and this man is fully asleep. I couldn't be more awake. Okay. Absolute pure humiliation, frustration, emotional exhaustion. And I was just, it was just all flowing through my fucking veins. And it's like 10 o'clock at night.

Okay. There was not a chance I'm falling asleep anytime soon. And I'm scrolling aimlessly through my DMs on Instagram. And remember, at this point, Call Her Daddy was alive and thriving. So my DMs were pretty lit. I had all of you, all the daddy gang up in my DMs. And as I am scrolling through the DMs, I come across a profile picture that I am a little familiar with because this ex of mine, as many of them did, he hit balls by day

and he, you know, spun webs of lies by night. Okay. Cheating on me was this man's kryptonite. So I didn't trust him in the past, right? I was in the know. Back when we were dating, if he was following a girl on Instagram, I was aware. I knew everything about her. And me having a photographic memory, being so fucking genius. I had every single girl basically that he followed, all their profile pictures committed to memory, you know, kind of. Yeah of yeah I did or I screenshotted all them and I had an entire album about it it's fine whatever anyways I recognize this girl's picture as someone that my ex has followed and I decide to open her message because I'm like why is a girl that he follows messaging me I'm about to read you this DM word for word by this woman. Where's my phone?

Let's just call my ex, Tom. Hi, it looks like you're at Tom's place in California. I know because I was there last week visiting him, hooking up with him in his weird Christian gray bedroom. Maybe you're okay with him sleeping with other people, but he made it very clear to me that he wanted nothing to do with you. So he's at least being dishonest to me.

I'm not telling you this to upset you, but just so you are aware. She follows up and says, I'm also very mortified because we were making fun of all the odd naked photos in this house he was renting. And he told me that he wanted one of me. So I sent him a fucking framed one jokingly for Valentine's Day that just got delivered there today. While you're there, perfect timing, LOL. So if he hasn't already picked it up, can you please just dispose of the package? This is so embarrassing. Imagine me sitting on the couch and we're like what the fuck and I'm staring at his fat head

sleeping like what the fuck is going on okay holy fucking shit what a fucking nightcap to this already horrific fucking valentine's day so I read this girl's dm and I know immediately oh I fucking love this bitch okay we're ride or right or dies already. Okay. She's talking about being embarrassed in her DMS to me, sweetie, sweetie, don't worry. I got you covered. Okay. You can't be more embarrassed than me. Okay. I'm sure actually at this point, he would actually fucking get hard to the side of your nude. Meanwhile, I just played with a soft little chubby for an hour. No, but honestly, it made me feel a lot better. I'm not going to lie. I'm like, Oh, we should be fucking friends. So I respond to her and I say this.

I say, no, do not be embarrassed. Sorry, I'm just seeing this now, heart. We know we are both seeing other people. You have nothing to be embarrassed about at all. I'm sure he got the pic and loved it. Fire emoji. She then responds and says, thanks for being so cool about this. I'm still fuming.

Tom and I matched on Raya last summer and we have been talking and hooking up ever since. I called him out on maybe still talking to you before and he made me feel crazy for even bringing you up. And he said he literally wanted nothing to do with you and was, quote, disgusted by you. So I'm just happy my intuition is at least validated. I literally matched the staircase. This is how crazy fucking girls are. I love us. I literally matched the staircase from your story to the pics of the house that he rented for spring training that he sent me. Oh, I'm sorry to drag you into this and good for you

for being open with him, I guess, but I was V into him and wanted to be in a relationship with him. So thank God I'm finding out he's a douche now and not down the line wasting more of my time. I'm sure you're a great girl. It just sucks Tom thinks he can outsmart us, winky face. His dick is good, but like not that good to where he thinks he can have both of us on his roster. I'm like, babe, the dick didn't even get fucking hard, okay? After reading this girl's message, I was moved. You know, if I were in her position, I would do literally anything to make sure this man did not have a fucking framed picture of my naked body after just absolutely realizing he was

gaslighting me and lying straight to my face. He has no right to have the possession of that photo. He doesn't deserve this shit. And you know what? I was a little incentivized. You know what I mean? Because fuck him for calling me disgusting. I sit there twiddling my thumbs and I'm like, what if he hadn't gone through his mail today and opened the nude yet? What if this woman's nude was sitting 10 feet away from me, untouched? And if that is the case, I realized this situation in so many ways could not be better for me. Number one, I realize I'm not alone in my embarrassment tonight. Shout out to my girl.

We're in this together. Number two, I could be a hero tonight. I could really turn things around and I could put this woman out of her misery by destroying the photo evidence of her naked body that was sent under the pretense that he was a respectful and deserving man and under the guise that Alex Cooper was in no way, shape, or form involved in his life. Wish I wasn't, buddy, but I was fucking back, okay? Number three. This is without a doubt the most beautifully convenient way to deflect from my lingerie fail and to turn the tables on this man. He will be the one who is

insecure. He will be the one pleading for forgiveness in the morning. He's going to wake up hopefully to me gone, she gone, no nude and a fuck ton of pissed off messages from this girl in my DMs. So I say, okay, strap up your boots. Let's fucking go. I walk into the kitchen to where he has a pile of mail and packages sitting. And I begin to piece through them one by one, praying to fucking God I can find this package. And I remember I pull out, it's like a thick, one of those like thick white manila envelopes. And I find the package and it has her name on the return address. I open it because she gave me permission. I take out the framed photo. I quickly flip it on its back. You know, I want to be respectful. I don't want to see any nudes. How does this always fucking happen to me? How do I find myself in situations where I'm constantly having to dodge other women's nudes? Like, does this happen to

any of you guys constantly? Let me know. Anyways, nudes find me. So I take her photo out of the frame and I rip it to fucking shreds and I dispose of the evidence. Girl, I got you, bitch. Okay. You're safe with Papa. Don't worry. And then petty Alex enters the chat. No man, no man will be suffocated within my labia and also say I'm disgusting to another woman. I fucking dare you, bitch. So I stare down at the empty frame and I take a post-it note that's on his kitchen counter and I take a pen and I write on this little post-it note, happy V-Day, love Alex and the girl's name.

Let's say her name is fucking Tiffany. Okay. Heart, happy V-Day, love Alex and the girl's name. Let's say her name is fucking Tiffany. Okay. Heart. Happy V-Day. Love Alex and Tiffany. I put the post-it note in the frame. I put the frame back in the package. I toss it on the fucking counter. I grabbed my suitcase and my 15 fucking piece set of lingerie and I realized it's time to go. And maybe he'll wake up in the morning. Maybe he will wake up and be like, was it all a dream? Like, did that actually happen? No, it didn't.

You never saw me struggle. You never saw me in lingerie. You never saw me, okay? So I call an Uber and I head to the fucking Four Seasons where I book myself a hotel for the night. I deserved it, okay? My dignity couldn't handle anything below five fucking stars.

I put my paycheck down. I said, get me the nicest fucking room room and so I ended my Valentine's Day in a hotel room alone with a bottle of wine a pizza and my vibrator so daddy gang if that is you right now, alone with a pizza, some wine, maybe some booze, a vibrator, some weed, let me just say, at least you didn't have to go through the journey that I did to realize that sometimes there is no better company than yourself. Something I also just want to put out for all my girls out there is like the amount of effort we sometimes go for men they are so fucking lucky and it makes me so sad for my younger self even thinking of myself like

sitting and panicking in that bathroom like oh my god like I can't see it like let him know that I'm struggling like I want it to be this grand reveal. The fact that I was even insecure at all with this man, like I knew he wasn't the right guy. If roles were reversed and this ever fucking happened with Matt, I would come out cracking up being like, babe, you need to help me. I can't get this fucking thing on. We would laugh about it. He would make me be like, oh my God, take it off. I don't even want it on you. Let's fuck. Like you look so fucking hot. Like there's just a difference of like men. You should never feel fucking insecure with men especially when you're fucking trying to do something for them that's gonna like spice it up and you're trying to be fun like it's all good

intention why did I even feel insecure around this man yeah that was the first fucking step as to like he wasn't the one or maybe the fact that he had cheated on me multiple times but like you know what I mean never let a man make you feel insecure okay we are the superior ones so daddy gang pour yourself a glass of wine who's at the door I think we have a special guest one second who could it be? Harry! Holy shit. I'm so happy you just randomly came over. What were you doing over here? I just, you know what? I'm part of the unwell network now so i just thought you know what i i'm just gonna come over whenever the fuck i want harry we're only supposed to see each other once a year for our

podcast together on call her daddy the thing is you signed me now so here i am bitch let's go happy valentine's day guys this was supposed to be a solo episode but how can we deny when harry jesse shows up with pizza and sparkly pants? Yeah, how cool are these? It's so cool. Wait, why is everyone wearing these jewelries now? What is that? I don't know.

Okay, so I bought one for Riley. How much is that? These were a lot. But I bought one for Riley, but I picked this one out first. I'm like, oh, this could be kind of nice for her. Wait, let's tell the story of you getting me a gift and Matt. Oh, do you want to tell that one? We haven't even told that story yet.

No, I don't even know if I was allowed to post it. Yeah, let's tell the story of you getting me a gift and matt oh do you want to tell we haven't even told that story yet no i don't even know if i was allowed to post it yeah let's talk about it okay so you guys i'm doing pilates at my house for like one time every year and i'm on the pilates report and i get a text from harry right when we signed him for the unwound network and harry's like i have a gift for you and matt can i come over and i'm like oh i'm in the middle of working out and he's like oh my god i didn't know you worked out i'm like yeah i'm trying the wedding's coming up so then harry's like okay i, I'll just come by. Like, don't worry. Like, you don't even need to see me. And I'm like, I'll see you, Harry.

What's going on? Harry rolls up in his obnoxious Lambo. She thought I was dropping off candles. I thought it was going to be like candles or like, I don't know, like something just like little to be like, thanks for signing me. Like, great relationship. Can't wait to do business together. Now you take it from there.

Oh, yeah. So I bought these two matching Louis Vuitton, like travel travel bags because i thought these would be really nice okay but i did start at a birkin and then it was like 50 grand and i'm like why i was like i don't even know if you like those guys we need to post the photo right now he rolls up in his orange lambo and he pops the trunk and i'm with my friend kazzy and kazzy's like what the fuck this is what happens she almost she's like i'll take them i was like harry what are you doing i literally was like harry matt and i are trying to like advise you like save your money spend it all spend 110 of what you make we literally sign harry and the next day he buys two lv bags there's my signing bonus and he got them engraved and everything and literally your

signing bonus you just gave it right back to me so we'll post the picture but it was so cute so thank you for the gift like it he hates it no he loves it you're like but i actually used his black one to travel to london you did because i think like the black one is like sleeker if i want to be like if i want to be showy then i'll do like the classic okay i'll go get you another one sweet thanks guys so thank you for the gift thank you for the career saving opportunity wait did you read the comments today how are people reacting well there was one girl there was this one bitch was her name angie fucking angie like 10 comments every 30 seconds something different something about hating me or whatever else and then now i'm seeing some girls in the comments being like,

I don't know if we can support Harry. I'm like, no, I do. No, I do. Yeah, you girls don't know anything. No, and you don't need to. You don't have a network. And if you do, you didn't sign him. I signed him.

It's my network. I want Harry on the network. She's the boss. So fuck off. Fuck you, Edgy. Edgy, I'll give you charity cock. It's Valentine's Day, Edgy. Fuck it.

DM me. Okay, so Harry, that is why you're here we are here to help the daddy gang yes everyone that's in a healthy happy relationship you're not the focus today yeah fuck you fuck me yeah but that's the point i don't need to be like coddled today we need to help the people that are single feeling like a tiny bit down today yeah that's me you're single talk to me what you're gonna be doing this valentine's day so valentine's day i'm just gonna be playing with myself a lot. And I think, Daddy Gang, if you have a rose toy, run yourself a nice little bath.

Put that leg up. Get that little, like, what is it, shower head. Get in there. Like, give yourself a massage. Like, I think that's the best way to go. Buy yourself chocolate. Like, fuck it. I'm going to be hanging out with my dog.

I'm going to be having a great day eating chocolate. He's not allowed it because he'll die. But if you're going to, look, fuck everyone in a relationship they suck today is singles day if you are single right now and you're annoyed that you couldn't find a good boy yeah harry is your boy well boyfriend material i'm for everyone you're literally for everyone well i am now yeah okay so you're basically saying to the girls masturbate have a good time who gives a fuck if anything he couldn't even do it as better as you can do it yourself exactly that's the thing i've actually been watching a lot of youtube videos on that oh wait what only fans or youtube videos on because there's like this sex expert i was like

i'm curious because now i gotta be talking about for my ladies yeah so i should probably know a lot more and this lady was talking about like, you know, going down on a girl and like being a little bit more attentive. I was like, yeah, you know what? Girls actually aren't coming.

I love that you're watching YouTube videos instead of porn. This is good, Harry. This means that you're leveling up. You're leveling up. You're leveling away from like the like toxic masculinity of just like, and you're actually focusing on like the delicate flower of the clit. Little bean. little hooded bean

wait you know what's so funny is today i was reminiscing since we did just sign you i was like looking through all of our old things are you still eating ass oh see i was trying to do that for a little bit like i just thought it was a good branding play but then i was like i'm like this is really gross because i okay daddy gang there was a few nights where I got a little bit drunk. And I'm like, you know, J. Alvarez's sex tape with, like, the oil. And I'm like, he's, like, the branding was, like, really nice. I'm like, you know, I want to have some branding like that. Where everyone's like. Everyone knows you as the ass eater.

Yeah, I was like, you know what? This guy sucked my toes and ate my ass and then left. So I did it two nights. Like, after a couple big nights out. And then this one night was with this famous girl i went home i ate her ass i'm like i'm like robin hood harry you know what just reminded me daddy gang do you remember last episode when i asked you who was the most famous person you had that went nuts harry i had multiple celebrities call me saying i will

exchange tea for you i will tell you something about this person if you tell me who the fuck harry jones i'll fuck them i'm like why don't you actually just fuck him and he'll tell you come over dude it was so crazy everyone wanted to know yeah i was getting like hounded people thought i think it's better that we never tell anyone yeah whose ass were you eating no i can't say that we'll tell it to me and then i'll bleep it no really you promise what did i do last time no one knows that only two people on the planet know that only two people on the planet know that i know i will get so in trouble this is this is i should have told you this this is more insane than the last fucking episode it was so bad well no it was it was it wasn't bad it was great but like i just don't know how many times have you hooked up with her never no i just ate her ass and disappeared like batman if people

heard that name i know and i didn't bleep it i know and i'm i want to be very daddy gang i'm making eye contact with the camera i am not exaggerating that name is crazier than the name you first gave me when we had the other podcast i don't know why i was so drunk and i thought it was a good idea i should i'm surprised she hooked up with you what are you serious no i feel like i feel like i feel like, I feel like, I feel like you're- Whoa! What? I'm a cat. Look at my bracelets. I got an orange car. Look at my sparkly pants.

You wouldn't let this eat your ass? Come on. Harry, I just feel like you guys are so not- I know! I don't know how it happened. It was a funny night. I feel like you're not, a similar vibe to each other. No, at all. Okay, so we're going to read some Daddy Gang questions. Oh, yeah. Actually, they're not questions.

They're stories. Okay? And these people are kind of writing in their horror stories from Valentine's Day. Oh, no. Oh, you got the Hot Mess merch on? Yeah, it's cute, right? It's so nice. Shout out Earl.

Shout out Earl. Gang gang. Network. Okay, you're going gonna read one of these it's basically a horror story to make all of our girls that are sitting at home wanking it alone to feel better like this didn't happen to you so be grateful you're like snuggled up under your comfort or watching that little human banjo oh strum that little guitar come on flick that bean let's go read this okay oh god i have to read

okay so i'd been seeing this guy for about a month and i was really into him the sex was absolutely fire he was so fucking hot and i was essentially just hoping and praying that one day we would actually date so when i got the text from him on valentine's day asking to hang out i was super surprised i had no idea this guy felt the same about me so naturally I went out and I bought a new outfit got my nails done got a blowout and texted just about everyone I knew to tell them I was about to have the Valentine's Day of my dreams on Valentine's Day he drove to my house to pick me up and there was there I was sitting in the passenger seat absolutely feeling myself oh after years of horrible valentine's days alone it was finally my turn to have my romantic moment he then proceeded to pull into a shopping center parking lot which i thought

was weird because there weren't any nice restaurants there this man parks the car leans over looks me in the eyes and says he has chlamydia and i should get tested there was no date planned and he had no intention of hanging out with me. He just wanted to tell me in person that I probably had an STD and he gave it to me. Really glad I got a blowout for this. Happy fucking Valentine's Day. Daddy cake. Wow. That is so fucking sad.

That sucks. The positive, a gentleman. You know, to say it in person. But would you want to be told you have an STD in person? I think no, actually. Yeah, just do the anonymous text. Yeah, just a gentleman. You know, to say it in person. But would you want to be told you have an STD in person? I think no, actually. Yeah, just there's an anonymous text. Yeah, just a text. Just do that.

Just text. What do we think about this girl? What do we think? Look, honestly, at least you got a blowout. And you both got chlamydia. You may as well just fuck. So true. Yeah.

That's what you should have said in the car. Like, all right, well, we got it at least. Let's go. Yeah, let's just give me what else. I'm really sorry about the chlamydia thing. But again, like I've always said, like, take a pill. Yeah, it's a few pills. It's a quick little thing. You'll piss it off. Let's go. Yeah. Let's just give me what else. I'm really sorry about the chlamydia thing. But again, like I've always said, like, take a pill. Yeah. It's a few pills.

It's a quick little thing. You piss it off. It's like a cold. Yeah. It's actually better than the cold. It's a fanny cold. A little fanny cold. A fanny cold?

Okay. But like you did it in person. So that's great. I just don't know though. I think that there's so many things I would want to hear in person. A breakup. You to hear in person a breakup you should do in person scd just text me just text me because like i don't need to look at you right now text me and block my number boom yeah there we go okay are you ready for this

so it's valentine's day and i'm hooking up with my boyfriend at the time oh yeah the relationship i have a feeling i'm gonna read this whole thing in every line here. It's going to be like, oh. Give it to me. Okay. Okay. Okay. So it's Valentine's Day. I'm hooking up with my boyfriend at the time. The relationship wasn't great.

You know, the classic college toxic. But so far, our Valentine's Day was smooth sailing. We went out for a date and came back to hook up and have sex. Well, as he's fingering me he pulls out something out of my vagina we both freak out and then we realize what it is he fucking pulled a used condom out of me oh i've heard about this i'm sure you could imagine his surprise because the two of us didn't even use condoms well i forgot to mention i had drunkenly hooked up and cheated on my boyfriend a few days earlier with some guy i met at a frat party i guess the condoms have

gotten lost inside of me and am i drunk and say i had no idea so now here i am on valentine's day getting caught cheating and now also realizing i need to visit the doctor for a yeast infection karma's a bitch right that happened to my friend that's crazy wait really they got caught cheating with a condom yeah no how what an oxymoron right that's crazy yeah i was like is that my friend who texted it no like this girl was engaged to this guy and uh yeah one of my friends was hooking up with her and he's like what the fuck is that smell like what is going on no and apparently there was like a condom in there that had been in there for, like, a week. She's, like, brewing.

And he's like, I don't use condoms, bitch. Yeah, but I'm also like, how does it fall off? Like, you know, this is the problem. You just, like. The concept is so pure. Like, cheat with a condom. Yeah. Right?

That's so nice. Like, it's so pure. It's like, I don't want to give my boyfriend an SCD. Yeah, so smart. So it's like, you're being so loving and generous. It's thoughtful. That's actually selfless. Yeah.

Like, enjoy it a little less just to really protect your partner. But the issue is, how dare you be dumb enough to let it slip and slide inside? Yeah, but why are you not fishing it out? Like, can you not feel it? Oh, I would feel that. I also just, my question is, are you that fucked up? Like, how do you not know? Like, where did the condom go?

Yeah, you're not looking at it. Where's little Willie? Yeah, what's going on? Why are you barebacking? But how did he not go? Like, hey, you might just want to, can I just, yeah, I can open that up and just see where my children went? Because that would also be, like, a thought.

Like, I just spunked in that rubber and now it's swimming around in your guts like are my kids just like all on a mission like working together we got to get to the egg is that what is going on that would throw me off i've never been that drunk where i'm like where did this go to harry harry hello harry again daddy gang this is a perfect example as to why you should be so fucking happy you're home oh you're not having to deal with a condom and a yeast infection i love how i'm like you don't have to deal with condoms yeah if you're single there's no condom in your life okay you can raw dog yourself with your fingers or your dildo. Yeah, spread that shit.

Okay, you're going to read this one. Oh, fuck. Okay, here you go. Okay. I want to hear your opinion. This is my Valentine's Day horror story. It began when I received a random DM on Instagram from a girl I did not follow and was not friends with. God, it said,

Hey, girly. Which is always, that's a red flag. That's a red flag, it's scary. So I already had a pit in my stomach. I checked and I couldn't find a single mutual friend with this girl. And for context, I'm not the type of person to have randoms sliding up in my stomach i checked and i couldn't find a single mutual friend with this girl and for context i'm not the type of person to have random sliding up in my dms so i respond with hey do we know each other to which she replies through your boyfriend duh but i thought i would reach out

myself to see how we vibe i was so confused how does she know my boyfriend is he cheating on me if he's cheating on me why does this girl want to know if we as in me and her vibe right well after some desperate messages back and forth i came to a realization that my boyfriend at the time was on tinder and was supposedly looking for other girls to have a threesome with on valentine's day which i never agreed to we actually never even discussed having one but but it gets better. In order to lure in the women, he would show them my nudes. What? When I confronted

him about it, he had of course already deleted the app and all of the messages, so my Valentine's Day ended up with me breaking up with my boyfriend and realizing my nudes had been sent around Tinder to God knows who, traumatizing to say the least. Sue him. No! Literally sue that. That's revenge porn! been sent around tinder to god knows who traumatizing to say the least sue him no literally that's revenge porn that is full revenge porn yeah that motherfucker however what i will say

is obviously you take bomb fucking nudes the fact that girls like will we vibe like the ladies are into dude what a fucking wait how did she find her instagram is it linked on the tinder but there's so many questions i would sue him and fuck that girl. We fuck that girl? Yeah, just fuck her. Oh, you mean fuck her like sexually? Yeah, if you guys want a vibe. I thought you meant like fuck her, like fuck you. No. Fuck her.

That's what I was saying. Like, why don't you go fuck? This is what you do. Fuck her. Get a double-ended dildo. Uh-huh. Valentine's Day. Quickly FaceTime him.

Look what you're missing out on, you little fucking pussy. Yeah. And call. Bitch ass. Become a lesbian. Yeah, there you go. Fuck men. Fuck men.

Well. Except for Harry. Boyfriend material. And Matt. Oh, for harry boyfriend material that's crazy dude that is so fucked up imagine the day that you have to open your phone yeah there is nothing worse i mean i told the story earlier when i got a dm from a girl like you just know as a woman like something's off i'm actually thinking okay i've had a thought okay i love when you think so maybe he was cheating on her and that's like a way to break the barrier because like oh if they see my instagram they see i've got a girlfriend but if i'm like i'm having a threesome come over let me give it a test run and then i'll see if that fanny is good enough for my girls is this what we're calling vaginas now f Fannies? You don't call that? Does anyone in this room call vagina fanny?

Oh, my mom does. Your mom? Harry! Yeah, we were growing up. It's a fanny. I guess it does... When you say it in your accent, it sounds better. Say it in an American accent.

Fanny. Sounds like a wasp. Give me your fanny. Give me your fanny. Give me your fanny. Yuck. Okay, that's gross. That's not hot. Yeah, I'm going to stay out of my way.

What about clunge or minge? What? Clunge. A clunge is a vagina? Yeah, or minge. Minge? Okay, because obviously it's Valentine's Day. I want to have a Valentine's Day story.

I only had like a good one and that was last year. Whatever. Whatever. We don't like it. Anyway, when I was in high school, was this girl stella and we were all in scuba class together and she's not a thing in australia where i went to scuba rich bitch scuba scuba yeah we live on the water what are we gonna do we're gonna study the coral anyway stella was dating ricardo i had a big crush on Stella.

He ends up leaving school. I become scuba captain. She becomes scuba vice captain. And I'd always be jealous because she would be at the back of the bus giving Ricardo little jerkies. And I'm like, you know what? I want to be tugged on the way for a scuba trip. And then anyway, we went scuba diving. We tried to have sex underwater, which was weird because I'm like, I want to be a freaky boy. I want to say I fucked underwater. But we're in a wetsuit and like it was just weird and like it's a little hole

which is hard to talk because like you got like a big gas tank and i'm like trying to like she's like what are you doing why are you trying to get anyway and did she ever fuck you yeah so many times we ended up dating but not underwater no you were the scuba captain what does that kind of job entail i just you know getting everyone were the scuba captain what does that kind of job entail i just you know getting everyone excited about scuba i'm picturing you on the beach are you good at swimming i can't really picture you swimming no i was good at swimming like i got like what like fifth in my school fifth and what out of six no out of swimming oh you swim yeah because by the time you just stretch out your arms here you're on the other end of the fucking pool you're so tall

i feel like you would sink yeah no i'm the worst do you have pictures of yourself in your scuba gear no no why yeah why would i i'm gonna call your mom no where are pictures of harry in scuba class you don't think your high school has them yeah they do someone took a picture of you in a wetsuit yeah i'm gonna find it no and we're gonna put it on this it's so embarrassing it's embarrassing story already what if we just crop your head in the scuba outfit i look scuba like it's just silly like everyone was calling me scuba steve we'll just photoshop it scuba steve people calling me that at school i used to get bullied about it wait why because who does scuba? No, Harry. Let's talk. You might believe. Yeah, but.

Scuba boy. Yeah, no. Wait, people. Does it still trigger you? Yeah. Wait, why would they make fun of you? Because who does scuba? All the other guys are like doing track and like playing rugby and surfing and doing like cool stuff. And Harry's like.

Yeah, I'm like, guys, you want to come like diving? There's coral. Like, oh my God. You want to see Nemo? You know what? Honestly, it's a great fucking story. And I love that you are scuba boy. Yeah.

Shout out Stella. My little scuba puss. Where do you think she is? I don't know. Okay, here we go. This is the next story. Daddy gang, are you ready? Okay, here we go.

Here we go. This is the story of when I found out my boyfriend was an absolute weirdo on Valentine's Day. For context, I was already on the verge of breaking up with him because he had a little shrimp dick and i like to think long term and a long-term relationship with a little baby shrimp is just not cutting it unless he knows how to really use it i think yeah we don't want to discriminate i've always heard it's not the size of a needle it's the pace of the sewing machine does that make sense have you seen the sewing machine no no put the pedal all the way down yeah i i um i see i see where you're going with that anyways anyway anyways okay so it's so it's valentine's day i put my lingerie on under my dress you know how it goes

yeah he makes me come pick him up we go to dinner somewhere that i picked ew and then i have to head over to his house now i'm a freak okay i like to have fun and we never ever have an issue with sex or anything like that so we get back to his house and i start sucking his baby shrimp and this motherfucker pulls out his phone but i'm like i'm a freak okay that's fine take all the videos that you want i know i look fabulous giving the gluck luck well he wasn't taking a video he was watching one i heard another fucking girl moaning and i legit almost bit off his dick out of pure shock i popped up i grabbed his phone and i looked to see what he was watching now i thought it was going to be just some random porn

video which again not great but i can work with it like. Now, I thought it was going to be just some random porn video, which again, not great, but I can work with it. Like, let's watch porn together. It was a video of him having sex with his ex-girlfriend. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you serious? I just want to be clear. These are real fucking stories that you guys wrote in.

That's crazy. I didn't make a scene like a gracious queen. I got dressed. I packed my shit, took my flowers, my spa gift card and my dignity i completely went ghost and i've never talked to him since okay what put yourself in her shoes you are eating a girl out yeah my favorite take me back how long has it been like two days i love it it's so nice and this girl she just got such a nice fanny oh yeah it's so lovely the fanny club okay so good fanny club yes so yeah instead of your roster that's what you should call it my fanny club no that's yeah i'll get them all shirts no that's cute yeah gift bags yeah okay so imagine you're eating a girl out you're putting in your

work you're doing exactly what you know you're great at then you hear a noise you look up she's watching a video you think she's watching porn you're okay with it and it's a video of her ex eating her out what do you do i would go in the kitchen okay i'll get a nice big bucket of ice and water and i would just fucking pour it on her because i'm like obviously obviously, you need a fucking wake-up call. This is crazy. Like, what the fuck are you doing? Ice bucket challenge. Dude, that's – you're right. You're right.

But I would just be like, hey. Hello. Muchacho, what is going on here? You have to get up and leave. You can never return. What is going on here? Yeah, you miss him. You miss him and I'm down here doing the dirty work?

Yeah, like I'm eating your asshole on the 4th of july it's crazy let's what's happening like let's let's call your mother and you got some questions let's go to therapy i would i would be so confused but i would honestly get up and i would just be like you leave yeah it's so insulting would you message the ex oh no you dirty psychopath look at the eyes you looked at me like question mark question mark oh my god interesting crazy i guess it's okay this is what i would do i would message them depending on the level of petty that i felt towards them if you guys had been talking for a long time or i guess this girl in this case it's her fucking boyfriend yeah valentine's day with your boyfriend i would literally oh but then i don't want to give him the satisfaction like then the ex would probably be happy that he's thinking of her oh yeah that's tough fuck his best friend fuck his best it's the only option yeah right

and take a video of it and then send it to him the balls on that guy no fuck his best friend take a video of it next time he's fucking you your boyfriend start playing the video of you and the best friend holy shit and you know you it just sucks because in the moment you can't have like the wherewithal to actually think that far so if this ever happens to anyone again because clearly this is such a common thing if your boyfriend is watching video of him fucking his ex yeah you are going to stay calm you're gonna finish the job if anything you're gonna swallow like a champ yeah and then you're gonna go fuck his best friend later that day.

Yeah. And then the next time you fuck your boyfriend, you're going to set it up and you're going to start watching it as he's fucking you from behind so he can get a good view too. And be like, this is my favorite one to watch. How about you? Merry fucking Christmas, bitch. That would be crazy. I'm just in shock at like.

That would break my heart. I knew the daddy gang had stories, but i didn't realize like this is awful that's horrible that's fucking bad my heart like i would actually be so defeated i want to just thank you for coming on because i think that the daddy gang needed a little reminder like you don't need a boyfriend you have harry yeah you need me and here no literally we do need more of you and that is why harry is coming out with his podcast, Boyfriend Material. Probably we finally get to say it. Yeah. Okay, guys.

She's such a boss. She knows everything. She's on every call. And we're putting little pirate hats on the calls. I'm going to post those. You guys, Harry and I doing business together. So silly. I'm scared.

But it's been so fun. And I'm so happy that we're doing this together. And I truly wouldn't say this if I didn't mean it. Like, the daddy gang is going to have so much fun. We have Madeline Mondays. Yeah. Harry Tuesdays. Daddy.

Daddy Wednesdays. That's so weird. Earl Thursdays. Yeah. Who's going to fill the Friday slot? Skrillex. We'll figure. What?

What? Daddy Gang, we love you so much. Thank you for coming on, Daddy. Skrillex. I don't know. so much thank you for coming on screw it