Call Her Daddy - Emily Ratajkowski

Episode Date: November 10, 2021

This week, Father Cooper sits down with Emily Ratajkowski. While you may think you have an understanding of Emily’s seemingly perfect life, this interview reveals that you never know what someone is actually going through. Emily opens up about the traumatic experiences she has overcome throughout her life and how these events have reduced her to feeling like nothing more than a mannequin. Many are quick to dismiss Emily’s struggles because she has an envious body and posts provocative photos – but does one’s appearance diminish the pain and trauma they have experienced? Does one’s appearance and capitalization of their own body take away their ability to identify as a feminist? Tune in this week daddy gang – happy Wednesday. TRIGGER WARNING: This episode discusses adult subject matter, including descriptions of sexual violence, and is intended for adult consumption only. Listener discretion is advised. If you have been affected by sexual violence, free, confidential support is available 24/7 through RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656-4673 and online.rainn.org.

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Hello, hello, hello. We're back at it again, Daddy Gang. It is another episode of Call Her Daddy. And today, we got a big one. We've got Emily Ratajkowski. A lot of you probably think about Emily Ratajkowski and you're like, wow, she's just really hot. Thought ends there. She's really fucking hot. And she is. And I will be honest, no negative feelings towards Emily at all. I just didn't have much of an opinion. I was like, she's beautiful. I wish I looked like her and that's that. But I had the privilege of meeting her and sitting down with her and reading her book early. From the time that Emily was a little girl, how she looked mattered. And that didn't just come from the outside world. It was

generated inside her own home. Her mom, who was also beautiful, and her mom's experience as a beautiful woman directly affected how she raised Emily. In the Ratajkowski household, looks were everything. So then Emily starts modeling in high school and is actually using her looks to make money off of her body. And that complicated things even more. So now instead of just her mom and her dad and random people in the supermarket commenting on her beauty. Now it's a creep with a binder filled with her photos commenting on underage Emily's fuckability. And trigger warning. In this episode, we are discussing sexual assault two chapters in three four chapters into her book every single chapter is unveiling a new

story of her experiencing sexual assault trauma rape i had no fucking idea about any of this and what's pretty frightening and shocking is that people may not even care I was staying at the Greenwich Hotel in New York City and I had Emily there like right after I landed and she walked in and her and her publicist I had asked them because the news had just broken Robin Thicke assaulting Emily Ratajkowski had just hit the internet and I had read the book at that point so I knew the behind the scenes in the story and what this man had done and how he was abusing his power and what was going on in Emily's head when all that happened. And then also just the backstory of her having been assaulted numerous other times in her life. Like this was not just a one off. This woman has been taken advantage of and sexually abused

since she was a very young girl and so she walks in and her publicist was like yeah it's really it's really shocking to see some of the comments in twitter people are like oh woe is you emily okay you were fucking dancing around naked on the blurred line set like boo hoo no fucking shit someone's gonna grab your tits you're naked what you were doing your job and so for anyone to be like emily you were naked on the set of blurred lines yeah and so were multiple other women and that was their job that's what they were getting paid to do i don't care if she's naked or she's wearing a turtleneck. That doesn't give you the right to fucking go up and sexually assault someone. Having good looks absolutely gives you a certain privilege that others don't have.

That's a fact. But just because you're hot doesn't mean that we can then deem your sexual assault experiences as void because you're just fucking hot. Shut up and go model. No. experiences as void because you're just fucking hot shut up and go model no just because you're hot doesn't mean you aren't a feminist miriam webster definition of feminism feminism is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. Unless you post bikini photos. No, like it doesn't fucking say that. People that are going to look and be like, no, because Emily is objectifying herself. She's posting these slutty bikini photos and she's the one that's making

herself an object. No. So maybe you're the type of feminist that likes to wear turtlenecks. Amazing. You're doing great, sweetie. Or there's Emily who likes to post bikini photos to make money. Again, you're doing great, sweetie. There is no right or wrong brand of feminism. If you believe in the advocacy of women's rights on the basis of equality of the fucking sexes, then you are a feminist. Emily's book is a discourse on how being treated like an object affects a person. You can be privileged, but that doesn't exempt you from feeling bad, feeling pain. And the result of lifelong objectification is dissociation. For example, Emily writes in her book that she dissociates so much from her body that when she's

having sex with her own husband, she has to fuck in front of a mirror. So she can watch herself and visually attempt to reconnect with her body. And in her mind says to herself, I'm having sex. My body is having sex. Now to everyone that hasn't read the book or everyone that just likes to skim through Twitter and not actually read. Emily in this book is just shedding light on her journey and her experience and isn't asking for anything. And she also isn't taking any like huge controversial stance. She's just talking about her experience. Emily and I, we only had an hour together and I was really impressed. There's a lot in this interview that she sheds even more

light on in the book and it's pretty remarkable. Daddy gang, let's just get into it. Here is Emily Ratajkowski, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy you're here. Congrats on the huge deal. That's insane and so awesome. Thank you.

Thank you. It's been a wild ride. I'm sure. But how cool. You definitely won. Pretty cool. Also just showed a wild ride. I'm sure. But like how cool. You definitely won. Pretty cool. Also just like showed them all is how I feel. Most importantly, congratulations on having a baby this year.

Thank you. Well, you have two babies. You have your book and then you have your baby. Yes. I have two babies. What is the best thing about being mother and what is the hardest thing? Oh my God. Best thing is like everything you've heard before.

The love that you have for them is indescribable. Like I know everyone says that I truly don't have words. I've tried. Like it doesn't work. They are just this like chunk that you made and your body, like it's insane. And he has personality now. Like he really like respond, like all that stuff. And it's just getting better and better. The worst thing, I mean, I just, nobody told me that they feed every two to three hours when they come home from the hospital, really like two, every hour and a half. And if you're breastfeeding, that means you're in demand and you don't know how much they're getting.

And they're like, you know, it's like a creature when it comes. I mean, he was really cute when he was born, but still, you know, and you're trying to keep them alive with your boobs and you're not getting no no no sleep so it's hard to picture it though until you do it honestly i had so many friends who talked to me about it and i still didn't get it so now i say the two to three hours thing so does my husband

will be like every two to three hours they feed like you're gonna come home and that's through the night and that's for months like just get ready you know because like somehow it didn't get through to us so that's like your life yeah it. But it's also like you're on cloud nine. And hopefully you're not trying to write a book or something. Because that would be so crazy to do that at the same time. How long did it take you to write the book? I've been working on it for three and a half years. I sold it around this time last year.

And it was already like 50,000 words. So it was really more the editing and stuff I was doing post baby and the last essay I wrote after and stuff so wow yeah okay we're going all the way back raised in SoCal yes okay and only child yes my mom is an only child but I always will hear her be like you know I basically had to become an adult quickly because you're just surrounded by adults all the time. Yeah. What was your experience being raised as an only child? Definitely that is true. It's interesting. My husband's also an only child.

I know a lot of only children because I think we have like a weird understanding about just like baseline stuff in our experience. My parents were definitely, I was just kind of included as an adult in the family. Like we were more of a unit than a family dynamic of parents and kid. I remember like having a lot of imaginary, you know, friends, but also just being like, sitting at the dinner table and trying to have fun with adults and like, make sure that they like me. So you just kind of get this. I don't know yeah you grow up quicker and I also remember like I really like I definitely had a lot of friends growing up

and stuff but I remember coming into middle school and it felt like I was a little bit behind everyone else like I I just think that I had spent so much time with my parents that it wasn't like I didn't have the same sort of like cool around people my age. Got it. But I feel like it ended up being a good thing in the long run, but it definitely at points I felt like awkward. I was like I feel more comfortable talking to adults than I do my peers, you know? Do you think that you are going to have one child? No, I don't think so. I definitely want more than one for that reason.

I didn't realize because your husband also is the only child. That's interesting that you guys like, no. Yeah. I mean, listen, it's having more than one child in New York city is like kind of psycho. Like it's crazy. I also have a 90 pound dog. Like what am I doing? Also when you get older and you're, you have to start taking care of your parents. It's so nice to have somebody else to lean on. And like, that's another reason, not just childhood, but also adulthood. My mom mom just went we had gone through that with like her mother before she passed and it was like my mom was the only one yes okay so you get it and it's like I felt so awful for her watching her I'm like because with my siblings I'd be like my brother take her my sister take her at times how

big is your family I have two older siblings okay oh nice the youngest. Oh nice. Yeah. The youngest girl. That's so nice. But I feel like I felt that for my mom watching that. So I feel for you in your book when you talk about your mom getting sick. I was like damn it's just you. Yeah it's just you. Also in high school your father was a teacher at your fucking high school. Can't even imagine. I know. What was that like? So I like begged my parents I did not want to go to his school I remember the first day of high school like my eyes were super swollen because I like was I had I was leaving all my friends like everybody I had known in middle school and elementary school went to one high school which was kind of it was they're both in

the same district but one was like the like big football team cheerleader and then the one my dad taught out was a little bit further and was there was like a skate team and a surf team no football team like everyone listened to like David Bowie and like Biggie and like smoked pot instead of like drink handles I mean that everything was happening but you know what I mean it was just a little bit more like indie yeah um and I was terrified and my dad had taught there for so long so he had like this big reputation everybody called him Rada which is how I got the nickname M Rada and yeah I was so scared but he was pretty cool about giving me some space it was actually the other teachers who were terrible they'd see my lunch and be like Emily

was 15 minutes late to class today and you know know, then he would be like, should I say something to her? Should I, whatever. Did you ever get in trouble in high school? Like what was your biggest punishment? I never got caught in high school. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't like a terrible kid, but I definitely like did a lot of like broke the rules, skip class, whatever. But yeah, I got, I had a lot of like experiences where I was very close to getting in trouble and didn't got it okay that's and like bless up honestly thank you honestly I mean I don't know some part of me is like maybe it would have been better I would have been safer if I had gotten caught but yeah it is what it is yeah a lot your mom is stunning yeah how do you think her experience as a beautiful woman in the world impacted you

mother-daughter relationships are just this sort of really sensitive crazy thing and I feel like it's something you talk about with your closest friends and like you hope that they never repeat and they don't talk about you know the more complicated aspects because you also adore your mom like I don't care who you are, even if your mom is a terrible person, there's a part of you that's your mom. And becoming a mom, I understand where that comes from. It's physical. I was really interested in the lessons that our moms teach us as women

about the way we look. So my mom grew up in a family that was very like, you should never say thank you when you're told that you're beautiful. You didn't do anything to deserve it. There was like kind of a shame around being attractive. And the whole thing was like you need to work extra hard to kind of like prove yourself. I had puberty pretty young and got boobs. Like before I even knew what sex was, I had boobs and basically looked like a woman but was totally not.

And of course, I'm sure you had the same experience where you're going to middle school and, you know, middle school teachers are snapping your bra strap and just being you know dress code like I'd have to put on the because like an inch of my midriff was showing and she was very anti that she was like fuck those people like you should never feel ashamed but in some ways also I think she felt like beauty was a way for me to be powerful because I think she had experienced much shaming it felt like a way for her to to make me feel special and to protect me I had an ex-boyfriend and his mom said to me one time like very casually she only had her son and she was like yeah if I had had a girl I would have talked to her about weight and like I

would have made sure she stayed thin and I I was like, outrage. You know, my instant feeling was like, first of all, your son's not even in that good of shape. Like, screw you, you know. And then I started thinking about it and I was like, oh, that's because she thinks that's like loving her daughter because she knows that if her daughter is considered attractive in the world, she might have a better life. So I think there was a little bit of that. I think that's really interesting when you talk about it with your mom because like having this put on you then this over emphasis on your looks I'm interested to know like how did that affect yourself worth at a young age like did you you were clearly obviously hyper focused then on your looks because your mother I putting up sex.

I mean, I was and I wasn't. I just, I think there was also a part of me that was like, ick. Like, I don't want that, you know? And I think that I kind of write about that in the book too. Like, there was a weird part of me that pushed back. Yep. But also had this like sense of pride about it. I guess the best way to describe it is that, you know, especially being an only child,

it really made me feel special. And it made me feel very loved to be like, you know, in a public high school and be modeling and people be like, Oh, did you see Amrata's whatever? And I'd be like, I'm cool, you know, totally. And then also, like in high school, this sort of at the same time, it wasn't just about how my parents sort of, you know, were like hyped that I was getting into this world that was sort of glamorous. It was also that I had money in a way that like none of my friends did. Everybody was like working at sandwich shops or like American Apparel making minimum wage. And I'd go to L.A. and shoot like a lookbook once a month and get what they were making in a month. And it was amazing, you you know so I started to really

love that too when was the first time that you became aware that other people treated you differently because of your looks I remember like not the way I looked but the sexiness thing like that felt way more like a thing because I feel like you don't really know why people are treating you a certain way when you're a really young kid but people started to name it once I like had boobs because they were scared for me or feeling uncomfortable you know so I have this really visceral memory of I was doing theater and I was like 12 and I had makeup on because I'd been on stage and we went to dinner my cousin and my mom my cousin had like a glass of wine and started crying like freaking out and was like I see the way men look at her and it's like not safe and

and you know I was I was embarrassed because I didn't understand that she was like trying to protect me right that memory I was probably in sixth grade and that feels like really like it happened yesterday it gives me I feel stressed even thinking about it right now I felt stressed reading the book when I remember the scene where you're like you're not the scene your life when you're you have I love that it reads as a scene though that I feel like that's a compliment I felt like I was like reading a movie like it's you're in a tank top and I think it was like your cousin left the room or something and like ran back in because it was you were left alone with the guy and she realized like oh fuck even though you're so young yeah don't feel comfortable leaving Emily in a room with men at this age which is fucking crazy yeah I guess the point is that it was like really mixed signals because

obviously at school it was cool for like the boys to think that you were hot you know like that was great like that was amazing that's what you wanted and like you made more friends like girls were nicer to you or maybe meaner too but like it just gave you a certain kind of status and then in other ways it was deeply shameful and embarrassing and straight up scary you know so yeah I remember in the book you were underage at your casting and the adult in charge looked at your photos and said now this is the look this is how we know this girl gets fucked we always know which girls are having sex by their pictures how did you feel when people were making those comments I mean that I was a little bit older I was probably 16 and I mean it was the same thing

right like I was like oh wow like they're pointing out a picture because I guess like it's a good thing and like I can be sexy but then also felt like I'm so called out and humiliated and embarrassed and like dude 16 yeah someone's saying that to you yeah of course now no listen now in person like retrospect totally but at the time I was like like are we is this cool like is this you know I just didn't know what to make of it that moment I wanted to like give you a hug in a virtual way because I'm like I agree I wouldn't have known what the fuck because you're not able to decipher like like you said is this a good thing yeah or is this so wildly inappropriate and I'm here to do a job and

you're 16 also yeah and I was I was with one of my girlfriends too who was also modeling so it felt like this really weird like moment of like oh like is she better than me like they didn't say that about her is she better than me or am I better than her because I have this fuckable look like I mean it was weird I didn't even like think about that experience a lot of things in the book were not things that I like talked about until I was writing and I was like oh yeah I remember that happened you know it's strange that's what I was gonna ask you of like did you talk to anyone about these things no not really I mean I had some really good girlfriends in high school who like they helped a lot. Yeah. But I was too embarrassed and also like honestly excited because I thought I'm modeling like

I'm at this big agency. It felt like something maybe was wrong with me or something if you know what I mean. Yeah. Like I could see people being like, OK, Emily, like I'm going through my awkward thing. Right. Like, yeah, it's hard. So many people look at you. Hot chick, perfect life, life perfect instagram perfect body and with this

book i truly believe you're blowing that shit up good you you are it's an amazing book thank you i couldn't put it down i finished it in two days oh my god thank you it's really really nice wow thank you chapter one is titled blurred well now it's chapter two you changed it yes I did yeah wait can you tell me why you decided to do that well because blurred lines what we're about to talk about is like something that I didn't want to write about at all I feel like I've spent my entire career trying not to be the girl from that video. So to just open up that can of worms and be like, let's talk about it, went against like every instinct that I had. I'm still going against every, like I even talking about it right now, I'm like, okay, yeah, no, I'm glad we're bringing it up. You know what I mean?

Like, because the truth is the reason that I wrote about it is because it was something that I had just completely put into a certain category and box and thought about and talked about in one way and didn't even fully remember the experience because I just was like, no, no, no, it's this, it's that, it's whatever. And once I started to kind of be like, wait, maybe things have been actually a little more complicated than I've always wanted to believe they were that's when I remembered this situation and experience and then was like wow that was why I initially had it first in the book and then like final last minute like we're talking day it was supposed to go to the printers I just had this thought of like somebody walking into a bookstore and seeing my name and being like okay my body all right this girl I know who she is and then they open the first chapter and they see blurred lines they're just going to be like of course okay and it's the book isn't that it's not a celebrity memoir it's a bunch of essays about

a lot of different ideas and I just wanted to give myself that shot with that person so it's so fucking powerful that you wrote about it oh like I well hopefully people will still like it even though it's second in the book now but listen when I read it because guys I got a advanced copy yes you did um but it's amazing and it's powerful and it's your story, Emily. You found the strength to also like kind of badass, come out with the story on your fucking terms and in your book. Like good for you. Yeah. So chapter two.

Yes, chapter two. Is titled Blurred Lines. Yeah. You reveal that Robin Thicke assaulted you on the set of that music video. Take me through that day. So I mean, I think that, you know, one of the things that a lot of people don't know about the video is that it was directed by a woman. And part of the reason that I did the job was it didn't pay that much really in general, but it paid initially it paid about like half of what I ended up getting, which was just not that much. So I got this offer for

this music video. And I was like, okay, well, the money's not good enough. And I'd have to be naked in a music video. And like, I don't even know who Robin Thicke is. And you know what I mean? I didn't know who he was. I thought Pharrell obsessed with Pharrell when I was in middle school thought he was like a god. Yeah. But you know, it was like, I don't know who this is. I don't know where it's gonna go, whatever. Anyway, they came up on the money a little bit. And this director was really cool. She's still somebody that I know. And I think she's awesome.

She said to me, it's going to be all these women. So I got to set. And it had this really different vibe than a lot of the jobs I was doing at that time. Usually, people kind of just were like, sit over there. Kind of shut up. Put on what we say. Don't complain about the hair and makeup. Everything is just like, you're a manne kind of shut up, put on what we say, like, don't like complain about the hair and makeup. Like everything is just like, you're a mannequin, which is what I write in the book, truly just being used as a body and a face. And it wasn't like that. There were

like girls who are a little bit older than me being like, Oh my god, like you look so cute. Like, do you like your outfit? And you know what I mean? Right. That's why I think I like dance so funny and stuff. When you're like relaxed with your girlfriends and you're dancing around and you just feel completely comfortable. So that was the majority of the shoot. And that's why when a lot of people would say to me like, oh, this video is misogynistic. Why did you decide to do it? Aren't you kind of embarrassed?

Basically, I was like, get off my back. Fuck off. It was my choice. And I did feel powerful in that moment. And like, guess what? Now I'm famous. So, and like making more money than I definitely did then. So how can you say that I'm not empowered, quote unquote?

You know what I mean? During the day, kind of later in the afternoon, the part that I kind of, I guess, I don't want to say I forgot. I would say that I just completely put it out of my mind because that also makes it sound like it was like a choice. Like I didn't, it wasn't a choice. I wasn't like, you're just completely put it out of my mind because that also makes it sound like it was like a choice like I didn't it wasn't a choice I wasn't like you're just not gonna remember that part you know what I mean it's how people dissociate yeah I guess so I mean I

feel like people who have way more insane things happen to them that's a word that I would think of with that but yes it probably is some type of that and yeah actually one day I was just laying in bed and went to Robin Thicke's Instagram, because I think his girlfriend had gotten pregnant or something like he was on E! News, and I was blocked. And I was like, why am I blocked? And sat there for a second was like, did I say something like in the press? And then I was like, and I remembered this moment when he was kind of drunk and he was in a little bit of a not great mood. And we were shooting by ourselves and he put his hands on my breasts really quickly.

And then I think I just moved away and Diane stopped the music and there was this sort of weird moment and then we kept shooting. The news actually leaked this weekend and it wasn't my choice, which was annoying for me because like the whole reason I wrote this book was to tell my story and be in control of the narrative. But I'm also like, that's okay. And like hopefully people will read the essay and like get a sense of what actually I'm trying to say about it. Because the fact that I didn't remember that and didn't let myself think about that and was almost like defiant,

like was literally like, fuck you. I am a feminist and I'm naked and whatever. And yeah, I couldn't have complained in that moment. I was 21. I was like an actual nobody, like a person on a wall in a modeling agency that you could pick like this girl who's maybe a little bit taller this girl who has like prettier eyes or you know what

I mean like it's a true true meat market industry you know yeah so I didn't complain and I just went home and I like never told anyone about it really except I do remember I told the director like oh he blocked me and she was like why would he do that and I did say like well I remember what happened on set that was like a few years later and did she like be like yeah I know I think she didn't respond but she did when this leaked she like talked about it and had a memory and yeah have you looked at any of like the feedback yet that's come from the news or anything are you a little bit and some of it is so terrible I have to be honest dude I yeah was on Twitter last night yeah before this looking and I was like people are disgusting I was like

first of all there is no timeline of when someone should come out with something that happens to them it doesn't negate what happened whether it's a year the day of 10 years later I mean also for me like the reason that I didn't just like be like press release everyone like testing one two three like I wanted it to be in my own words and like in a 5,000 word essay that really explains like all the aspects of that day the parts that were good the parts that were bad and like what this meant to me and why it was so defining to me and like sort of a huge part of like the evolution of my politics and beliefs you know I don't believe in canceling someone I don't I'm sure that you know Robin Thicke has a lot of wonderful things about him I don't believe in good guys and bad guys I think that like our world needs to understand that

like we live in a culture that allows for men to feel like they can behave a certain way it doesn't mean that like just because this person did this one thing or didn't do that one thing they're good or bad it's been frustrating but I'm also like it's okay because the book will be out there very soon I really respect you being as open as you were and I think it's really amazing how detailed you got because it shows like you weren't going in there for shock value like this is something that fucking happened to you yeah you haven't talked about it was there ever a point before the book that you were considering telling the story absolutely not and I honestly don't think I mean maybe if I hadn't published the book I would have just published that essay okay I honestly don honestly don't even think so, though, because that was one of, that essay took the longest

in the whole book to write. And, like, it's kind of more of one of the more simple ones in a lot of ways. I knew that the reaction that I've seen this weekend was coming. Like, I know people, I knew that people were going to be like, she was naked, like, in a music video, why she waited so long, da waited so long did it all the same things actually I had a male journalist be like so like this is going to come out and what do you think the consequences will be and I was like for me or for him and he was like for him and I was like uh-huh okay definitely there's consequences for me like people think that have all kinds of assumptions about me

because this news is out I also had somebody be like last night be like you are so brave thank you for coming forward and I was like that's not also not it right right like that's not it I'm just telling my fucking story yeah what was your relationship to the song when it came out versus like now so interestingly if I was at a wedding or at a bar and it came on I mean it was also one of those things where everyone in the bar would be like oh pointing at our big moment like you'll never believe who was at the bar and so that's probably also what ended up happening because I would always be like oh no and I would go to the bathroom or whatever I don't know if that's what it was or if there was a little part of me that was like remembering just the experience in some way and feeling

something because I definitely did when I would see Robin Thicke's name or you know I also had to talk about it all the time and I was very like man I just showed up for work one day and now I'm defending lyrics that I didn't even pay attention to I was 21 and you know whatever so yeah that was my relationship with it it kind of evolved into that now I don't I mean like you know what it's catchy like yeah good like good like everybody enjoy it like I don't know what to say you know what I mean no that's I can imagine like every fucking time you're at a bar you're like I'm leaving the minute it plays you're like it because it's like but it's also been who like it's 2013 to me that feels like a thousand years ago so yeah have you heard from Robin Thicke

since that photo shoot I actually haven't okay okay it seems like with this book chapter after chapter you're bravely discussing your experience dealing with men treating you like an object do you feel like you've been combating that your whole life I do and you know why I feel like I've been combating it my whole life is because it also had its serious advantages being treated like an object got me my career it's probably why a lot of people are going to read my book like that's the I guess what I want to people for people to take away like I am not saying to any young girl don't capitalize or like work it like commodify your image commodify your body it's definitely one way to succeed in a certain way in this world it also means all these other

things that I'm writing about like that's the truth it's complicated it's very complicated I think it was like Charlize Theron was like people are insane if they say that looks don't matter like let's all just be real let's just put it on the table and so especially for women yes like hello flat out I mean I just I like that girls now who are like a little bit younger than me are just very open about that what that was not true for when I when I was like on you know trying to build a career people be like don't post that on Instagram and I was like yeah but like this is how I'm like now making money and literally people are kind of like rolling their eyes and also judging me for it and I feel like that's changed

a little bit which is really great so I'm just like okay let's be clear like that's just that's facts you know yeah how do you define feminism that's a loaded oh my god I know we could be here all day yeah I used to feel like okay let me tell you like I would tell you it was about choice I would tell you about you know use the word empowerment which like if I have to hear that one more time I might lose my mind like yeah I mean it's listen it's real I use it in the book but also um I can talk about like what I know feminism isn't like which is like I mean the power dynamics that exist in our culture in our world are often unspoken but they're evident in very big and small ways like it's evident in the you know you can go on a drink for a drink with a guy and it shows up in little

ways and like maybe you can't put your figure on it drink for a drink with a guy and it shows up in little ways. And like, maybe you can't put your figure on it, but like, there's something about their attitude and like how little they have at stake that like, you know what that is. Do you know what I mean? They have a little bit more power. They don't, they could take or leave this interaction in a different way. My career was based off being attractive to men, which, you know, I've done pretty good. You know what I mean? Like, it's not bad. But that also, I think, like, points to some power structures that are in place, you know? You wrote about how you've capitalized on your looks

in this patriarchy that we live in. I have too, like we just said. But you've written about the internal struggle that you've had in managing the emotional and your mental health around like I know this is helping my career but also like at times feeling weird inside about it and maybe guilty like for someone who's not you or hasn't experienced this how do you describe that battle within yourself? My best friend is single right now. I don't know if this might be totally wrong and I could be like going in the wrong direction,

but you know, she's been single through COVID and she's kind of like, when's Stella going to get her groove back, you know? And she's like, I don't know. There's just like, I go on these dates and I have drinks and I just don't feel like playing into the bullshit at all. She's like, I just am kind of like, here I am. Did you watch White Lotus? Yes. When Jennifer Coolidge is like, here's the core of the onion. It kind of was that vibe, you know, because she was just like,

I don't want to have to like seem like I don't care. Like I don't have to play any of those games. So it's not totally the same, but it's a little bit like that except this is like when I'm playing those games and you know taking the check from the guy that's a little bit of a creep but like also could you know he has a director friend who could you know this was most of my 20s was like hoping that someone was gonna like like me enough to tell their friends that I'm great and then I'll get this part in this movie and blah blah blah and not just great but like flirty and like cool and smart but like not too smart that she would like come after you or you know what I mean I yeah I used to do

that a lot and it just made me feel really bad in the long run and I'm 30 and I just feel like that has left been left behind in my 20s what do you say to people I guess who don't understand because I feel like this is like what you've lived is like that you can be sexy and you can be like a raging feminist like those two can live together in one yeah well I write about this in the book like I wish that I didn't feel I'm sure you have this too like you're you know done this amazing deal you have your podcast like and you still have a lot you want to prove to people I feel that way all the time I'm like I want people to take me seriously as like a writer

and a thinker and there's just some people who are just never going to do that and I've kind of I guess accepted that but also totally not because I wrote this damn book and published it and like listen the reason I did that was because I have something to prove I want people to understand that I'm not just a body right yeah I've had that so in in my career like I built this initial brand off of knowing what was gonna sell yeah now at times looking back like there was a lot of feminist roots within call her daddy at the beginning because it was like i know how to get a guy like if you want the answer i'll literally give it to you and it may not be coming off like i'm playing the game because i'm recognizing the world that we live in yeah and i and some may say

like well then you're like appealing to the male gaze. But also like even not appealing to the male gaze is reacting to the male gaze. So like, yes, it's we're all playing the game. I have friends who like, you know, wear like men's clothes and are like super like boyish and only hang out with dudes and like are kind of like, you know, that's their thing. They're also playing the game. They're just taking it a different angle. I would love to hear your opinion. Have you seen the fucking thing about like pick me girls on TikTok okay oh yes I have yes I

have yes yes and like I guess pick me girls I'm sort of trying to hone in on the definition but it's like apparently it's like women that do certain things maybe by putting other women down to like appeal to men like oh I never wear makeup never wear makeup. Yes, I've seen them. Yes. But I'm also like by women pointing out women and they're labeling them as pick me girls. Now we're just pitting women against women again. Okay.

So I always feel like this is what it comes down to because of course, like that is so annoying. We all know those girls and we're like, okay, you're, you know, I just will say to people sometimes like I'll say to a friend or whatever like she's just not a girl's girl and that's exactly what I'm referencing it's when you just know that they like actually want to like skewer your head off and like hope you die and you're like okay well cool like fun hanging out you know what I mean so okay I get why the instinct is to be like that's what this is I even remember the first one I saw I was like damn so real like I know that girl for sure that being said like of course girls do that they

want the dude they want to feel special like it's we all kind of do some kind of version of that whether or not it's that obvious or if it's the complete opposite of that which like I don't give a fuck whatever right so why are we always asking women to adjust instead of like saying okay this is the system we work in this is the the framework or that we're in I mean my relationship to other women is so complicated I catch myself all the time like comparing myself and it's whack but like that's what we've been trained to do instead of being like okay what what's going on here like why why are we being this way you know I feel a sense of obligation with my platform to be like okay let's just call it as real as we can like the girl that then is on TikTok making the video about another girl being a pick me girl you're yes you may think

you're calling her out for like appealing to the male gaze but you're also just calling out a woman that's doing nothing to you and you're like name calling and it gaze but you're also just calling out a woman that's doing nothing to you and you're like name calling and it's like instead she's just trying to like do her best in the system so why are you trying to bring her down is that gonna fix anything right instead of shaming them more yes let's find a way to almost like bring them cut through that yeah and bring everybody in yes i did an episode two weeks ago where I admitted to getting caught photoshopping a picture on my Instagram I saw that was brave have you ever photoshopped a photo of your on your Instagram I definitely have photoshopped

but like duh right exactly that's why I was like in my episode I'm like everyone knows it's happening but I remember the first time somebody like showed me facetune I was it was a group pic and I was like oh I hate it like my leg looks big and someone was like oh let me show you like this will change your life whatever I have stopped doing it though oh yeah yeah I mean listen I it's hard because it's like also people get plastic surgery like I'm a little bit right I don't know if I blame people for photoshopping like also because it's the same reason that you get like okay you can get a boob job which is real in real life or you just make your boobs bigger on it's like on facetune or whatever like I don't know I yeah I think it's a really confusing topic because I think we've all agreed like Instagram isn't real

like it's it's a curated version of a perfect life that we're creating so it's like whatever yeah so it's like what's the difference between using the dog fucking filter the ears or i mean also like magazines have been editing photos forever so yeah i mean i just don't know like i don't know how i feel i personally don't feel right about it yeah um it feels like a lie and i'm just like I don't want to lie you know yes it's so exhausting but also I make sure to find good light when I take a selfie do you know what I mean so is that a lie you know what it's just a slippery slope we all need to take a lesson from you how the fuck to get a perfect selfie I completely was relating to your story

in the book where you're like I'm on fucking vacation with my man oh yeah and I am scrolling I post a photo and I can't stop looking like how many likes like it's addicting yeah I recently turned off my likes and my comments is that something you would ever do with your career like can you even do that yeah I mean I've thought about I think I've turned there were a couple pictures like when I first had my son and I was at home and I was, I had decided to share them with the world. And I just was like, you know what, we're not going to do, we're not going to let people like have opinions that I can then easily check. Like I'm not doing that. So I think it's like a case human because I find myself spending way less time like I've been posting more too I post it interesting and I like bye bye like I can't tell you how powerful it's felt being like damn no one can comment on this photo I go and like it once I post it because why wouldn't you like your own photo right I love that and then I'm done yeah yeah and it's like I don't I don't know I think there's just a lot of negativity and I love all the hype at times yeah but there is something to

be said about like don't allow your like your self-worth to literally be predicated on the amount of comments and likes you get it's's intoxicating. Of course. And then it's more complicated when it's tied to your actual livelihood. You know, if you're not making money off of Instagram, like listen to me, turn that shit off. Like girls were DMing me after that episode being like, I only got 200 likes. And so I delete it and I'm like, no, you liked the photo. Keep it. Yeah, I know. But I mean, a lot of the times people literally post something to test whether or not it's a it's a good picture of them I mean I feel like that's something I do I'm like I think I looked good like did every does everyone agree

the fact that also you're saying that I think there's a lot of people listening that would be like I feel like she would never feel that way oh my god I feel that way still and I'm an adult like you know what I mean like and I'm a professional model like it's you know reading the book I was jumping out of my skin reading this chapter about the photo book situation oh yeah and I felt angry for you the lack of control you had over your likeness and image is disgusting that you had to go through this can you lightly describe that situation and and where you are now with it interesting about that essay is it kind of like it's kind of like three different parts and I had written I hadn't written the part about the photo book and the photographer

until I was actually on the plane ride back from that vacation I write about that you mentioned, which was such a long flight because we were in the Maldives. And I couldn't sleep. And you know how planes make you feel kind of crazy, but you can also sometimes have good ideas. I just couldn't stop thinking about this experience. It was one of the most shameful things I had in my life. Like I felt so responsible for how things had gone down and how the public had viewed it and how underprotected I had played been myself and like how much I had played into things and whatever and then I wrote that piece and like was like okay well that's never seen the light of the day like I felt like I sounded so young in it and I was I thought the writing was bad whatever

and then when I was thinking about all these ideas around ownership and image which like included I've been sued by the paparazzi for posting a picture of me holding like flowers in front of my face like outside of my apartment yeah and I've had like artists make artworks of me that I've then like bought back myself and then my ex-boyfriend tried to like kind of get it back and whatever and then I realized like wow this is totally what happened with this photo book when I was I guess I got I was maybe 19 or 20 I was in New York and I had just kind of come into New York I had I write in the book like I actually just lost some weight from a flu and my agency was like actually like maybe you could work in New York which is so fucked up but whatever really oh my god and like figured out like okay it's definitely because I'm skinnier so I'm gonna try to make that a priority now you do a lot of things called test shoots which are

basically just like important or good photographers build your book whatever so this photographer was someone who it was for like a magazine and they were like take a bus out to Catskills which again now I would like if I had a daughter I'd be like you're not taking a bus anywhere to like a strange man's home but at that time I think models are taught and I think all women are taught this on some level like it's impolite to say no like you know you the whole thing with modeling is that you trust your agent they're in charge of your career and that they are sort of the guiding force and if you push back they're like you don't know anything about this and like why are you being difficult there's a million girls who wouldn't be difficult so I was very

blindly following what my agency recommended because I was like this is me giving it I dropped out of college and I was like this is me giving my best shot to this career. And yeah, I basically got up there and his vibe was very, I don't know. Sketchy. Yeah, I would say unimpressed by me, which made me really want to impress him. It felt like a tactic almost that you could read into. I don't know if it felt like a tactic at the time. Now looking back, I'm like, that was definitely some kind of nagging. But at the time it felt like, oh no, he's not going to gonna like me and I want this guy to like me for so many reasons for personal reasons but also

professional reasons anyway he ended up serving me a lot of alcohol to make a long story short and the pictures were super super sexy like naked whatever just like very kind of like their polaroids and they're very old erotic images. They feel like from like a dirty man's closet in like 1963. For lack of a better description, I was so drunk that I barely remember some parts of the experience was very spotty. And you know, for me, getting drunk and losing control like that, that is I think the thing that I had the most shame around. And also wanting to be like, cool and be like, oh, well, I know about like photography and whatever. Anyway, there was a weird physical thing that happened in the night. Long story short, I kind of put that behind me. The magazine came out with like nine images or something like

that from the shoot. And then a couple of years later, after the Blurred Lines video, and after I think Gone Girl, like I had done a movie and stuff, people reached out to me and they were like, Oh, like you have a book coming out, Emily Ratajkowski, Polaroids or whatever. And I was like, what? And I realized that this photographer had put together every image, it seemed like from the shoot into a book and was selling it in a publishing company that he had set up like makeshift publishing company and I freaked out at that point look I had another type of voice saying to me like you do not do sexy stuff anymore like do not do that like your career as an actress won't happen if you like continue to represent yourself that way which

again like I think has changed like the euphoria girls can like post bikini pics and no one's like you're a bad actress you know but at the time it felt like it was death so I was so freaked out about it and basically the long and the short of it which is in the in the book is that I couldn't do anything about it there was nothing to be done legally. And so I decided to go on Twitter and be like, this book was put out against my wish. I got a very similar response to what you probably saw this weekend about the Blurred Lines video, which was just like, she's just asking for attention. Like you shouldn't have taken these pictures if you didn't want like them to be out in the world. Basically just everything terrible you can imagine about slut shaming essentially and yeah I

really I lost I was really unwell first of all reading it I was unwell for you I'm reading it and like I remember randomly when I was in college I went and did a um like a photo shoot with this guy and I remember going to his apartment and having to change in his bathroom and like the door wouldn't fully close and close and like i'm trying to change and i remember feeling like realizing in that moment because i wasn't a model i wasn't doing this often that i was like wait why am i alone in this man's apartment and i'm in his bathroom that doesn't lock and i'm naked and i'm getting changed. Thank God nothing fucking happened. But like when I'm reading your book, the whole experience I felt for you of like, why was

he first like lubing you up with wine? And then it's like you keep drinking. And so I felt the terror for you of like, wait, something feels off. Yeah. But I don't know what to do. Yeah. And he would like make little comments about my body that were like low-key insulting but like also made me you know again want to be like no no no like what no I'm good at my job like I'm hot and I'm you know like the uncomfortable comments I remember

about like your nipples yeah we're just like what am I supposed to say so then I think for the book to come out that's you that's your. And no one had signed the release in the first place. Yeah. So that was the whole thing is again, like at that point, everything was like the modeling agency handles these deals, blah, blah, blah. And so I thought, you know, I assumed that there was like some random thing, but again, like I was 19, 20, like now, by the way, like I am so crazy about that stuff. Partly because I had terrible experiences where I was like, I got screwed. I mean, I annoy people sometimes because I'm like, wait, is there a line about this potential catastrophic situation? Because I just know, you know, I've been burned. Yeah, well, I'm sure you know, too.

And especially if I have a male lawyer reading it, I'm like, no, no, no, one over it a fucking again. My lawyer is female. I think for a reason for a reason because it's just about a trust thing like yeah to anyone also listening i feel like all that legal shit is confusing but it's like you the reason it's such a fucking issue is because you went there assuming that those photos were going to be for one project yes and then they ended up getting used and you didn't make any money off of the book right zero dollars yeah and also yes it's literally Emily Ratajkowski is the name of the book and then he published two other volumes maybe three other volumes I can't remember right now like it actually brought him more press me talking about it on Twitter but it actually brought more attention to the book

which was one of the most painful things and I think he was like making a ton of money off of it I don't know how much but I think a good amount and I was entitled to none of it and I had no right to shut it down and I guess you know my agent at the time basically said that like maybe he had forged a signature he provided something the New York Times that he had like forged to say that she claims she didn't sign right it's also one of those things we're like I don't know, does she just not remember signing it? Right. Because I'm sure at that point she was just signing stuff all the time. Like, you know, so, yeah.

It's awful. Awful. Now with the world, like, I feel like you don't have to be a model to be worried about this stuff. Like, revenge porn. Like, we grow up, now everybody's growing up in the age of the internet. Like, you just, you know, I was a part of the iCloud hacking like it was but that's something that can happen to anyone at any point and I mean you see like AOC they found like some like sort of sexy picture of her or just anyone and it feels like this weird like scary thing that could happen at any point

and I really like have enjoyed seeing you know obviously the OnlyFans stuff is really complicated but the part of it that I think is interesting is the way that women are like no no you can't take this from us like we own it we are in charge we're the ones who are going to make money off of it this isn't going to be some dirty little secret that we're scared of you know signing a fucking contract yeah I think back to contracts that i signed when i was younger and like you're young and there's desperation of like i need to make this money and i would just urge anyone i remember i sat down with mia khalifa and she was like i basically signed a fucking contract under duress for a porn agency that i now look back and i'm like i should not have

signed that like i didn't even know what i was signing. Her story is like so horrible. Right? So it's like, I just urge anyone like before you sign a contract, like if you can find anyone, if you don't have the means, like try to find someone that has any type of legal friend that can help you out because it's like, it's not fucking worth it. I'm thinking about my younger self. If I heard that, I'd be like, well, yeah, easy for you to say kind of thing. And I just have to say like those people are going to make you feel like you're lucky and you're this is your one chance and that they're going to walk away unless you like sign it right there and this is like you feel like you you're

not in a position you're always in a position and if they're going to walk away that easily then let them and there'll be something else like that is the truth that is the truth like I don't care who you are that's the truth so yeah I know that there's people who listen to this I'm sure will and I at least as a younger person I would have yeah and I would have been like for sure I guess but like they don't know me they don't know my situation but like every situation it's just true it's true yeah coming into motherhood full circle I love it beautiful like I'm gonna be honest I literally got emotional reading the last chapter it was so beautiful the way you described giving birth and your relationship to your body has it at all changed since giving birth my body or my relationship to my body um

both no but yeah um a lot of the book is and obviously what we've even been talking about is like control yep obsessed with control because it makes me feel safe and it makes me feel like I'm gonna be good when you're pregnant you have zero control you just wake up every day and there's a new thing happening and you're just like watching it kind of that I was a little bit worried about for me. I learned to be humbled and amazed by what my body was doing because it is so crazy that and just understood like this is some ancient mechanics like that's straight up what's going on and it's bigger than me. That just brought so much I guess it was respect. Yeah I know we're wrapping up. The, the other thing I do think is that I, I almost want to vocalize because I have so much respect for you for voicing it in and writing it

in your book that I don't know anyone would think is true for Emily Ratajkowski is when you just talk about how you basically would dissociate from your body because it was so like, it was in your work, your field of work it was like like you said a mannequin and you talk about when you would have sex you would like literally have to look in a mirror to like connect with your body yeah do you feel like your relationship has shifted or do you still feel like you're working on that I'm still working on it I would be like I mean honestly that last chapter was one of the hardest one I mean blurred lines was definitely the hardest this was also hard though partly because I was just like I'm be like, I mean, honestly, that last chapter was one of the hardest ones. I mean, Blurred Lines was definitely the hardest.

This was also hard, though, partly because I was just like, I'm not like writing this book to be like, and this is what I've learned. And I've come out the other side and everything's great. That's not that's just not the reality of my experience. So I wanted to give people like glimpses of moments where I do feel good. But like, that's not the total experience. It's still a struggle. And, you know, yeah, for me, for for a long time I thought confidence was what I was experiencing when I was actually

basically disassociating interesting which is really weird because I was just like I was like see I'm so not scared and like whatever but yeah I don't know I feel like actually a lot of women can have that sometimes in experiences with men or just like when you're wearing something that makes you feel a certain way and you're like no I'm confident like I'm chill and then you like are totally not okay and you're in a manic state or whatever absolutely yeah what is your hope for this book so I've thought about this give it to me basically what I realized is a lot of the stuff in the book were things that I only talked about with my very close female friends that just felt too complicated, too specific, maybe, I don't know, not like almost taboo or something to talk about in a larger way. There are like, again, the power dynamics that I'm

writing about and these experiences, they're so real and they're just our experiences. I don't know. I don't care like what you do for a living, what age you are. If you're a woman, you've experienced it. So I guess my hope overall, have better relationships with women like throughout our culture. Yep. Amen. Emily Ratajkowski,

thank you for coming on Call Her Daddy. Thank you so much for having me. Woo! Yay! Oh my God, that was great. Thank you very much. Anytime you want me to come on. Maybe we'll do a part two at some point we'll have a great yeah it was fun